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Daily Post 179: Long But Not So Bad

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I’m doing a bit better than yesterday. I think a majority of that has to do with Ox coming over and cuddling with me for a while.

Work was rough. I forgot my energy drink this morning. Much lame. Change over was crazy since we ended up having to do blood cultures on two people. I survived. I transferred acid, so that’s done. I got some Star Learning stuff done, too. I got to talk to my FA about a few things, so there’s clarity on some topics.

I made it through the day with only 4 cigarettes. Not as good as I would have liked. Not as bad as I thought I would do.

Adventure’s League didn’t happen tonight. I haven’t had a chance to make my character sheet. I didn’t have it in me to be around people after work today. I had to explain to my patients how I made a 92 on my test. I had to stand there and smile and listen to them congratulate me and tell me how my mom would be proud.

Irrational Right Brain: I already drank last night because I hurt so much over the fact that my mom is dead. Can you not bring up the fact that she’s dead while I’m here, at work, trying to emotionally hold my shit together? No? Oh… Well… Totally going to go cry in the bathroom on my break now. Thanks.

It wasn’t a bad day. It was just… a day. Long. Busy. Drainging both physically and emotionally. It was harder than it should have been because of who I was working with. Blarg. She even left before all of the stuff was done at the clinic. That always sucks.

Irrational Right Brain: Trust me… I get that you’re the nurse and that you have a degree that I don’t and that you’re in a different tax bracket, but we’re a team. I want to go home, too. At last empty the bleach buckets or something… You see that I’m still working. I helped you all day. I was here at the clinic setting stuff up before you even walked through the door. I picked up your slack all day. How do you think it’s ok to dip out at the end? Why am I the one left alone at the end of the day to finish everything by myself? Because it’s PCT work? It’s “beneath your pay grade” work? Arg. >.<

Anyway, getting off the bitch train because I really don’t feel like being on it… Things got better once I was able to get a hug from Ox. We cuddled for a while with the kittens. We talked a bit. I started my dinner cooking. We did our Darebee workout. We talked a bit more. Eventually, he went back to the house and I stayed here at the apartment to eat and study and do school stuff.

I’m content with the progress I made tonight. I have a lot to tackle over the weekend, but I think I’ll be ok. I’m completely done with the assignments for my LPNS 1010 class, so there’s nothing in that area looming over me. That’s a nice feeling.

I’m glad that I’m writing tonight. I’m glad I don’t feel like drinking again. I’m glad I work with my FA tomorrow and that even if the day sucks at least she’ll be the one with me. It makes it seem less sucky. I’ll be with a really strong worker and that makes everything seem a little bit easier.

Not much else to talk about at the moment and one of the kittens is yelling at me so I guess I should go for now. It’s almost 9 pm anyway. Bed time for me.

MUSING MOMENTS 133: LFTIO – Building Relationships

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 10
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”


Take some time to reflect on the following questions to help develop and build relationships:

Under what conditions do you shut down communication?
I tend to shut down with confronted with negativity. I like getting feedback, but if it’s not constructive I tend to become defensive or closed off. “You did a shitty job,” doesn’t tell me how to do something better. It just leaves me feeling bad. I do my best. I’m sorry if my best wasn’t good enough, but if you’re not going to tell me how to become better, just how I didn’t meet your expectations then fuck you. I didn’t see you doing anything other than standing on the sidelines. Maybe if you helped next time or you gave me an idea of what to do differently I would care about your opinion.

I also shut down when I feel a lack of empathy. If you’re going to act like my emotions, my perspective, and my situations don’t matter then I’m not going to care about your opinion or what you have to say. It’s a two-way street. If you’re not going to care, then neither am I.

Lack of honesty, or authenticity as this book calls it, is probably the number one trigger for me torching bridges without a second thought. If I can’t trust you to be real with me, if I have even the smallest hint of “snake in the grass” in regards to your character then I can guarantee you, while I may hear your words and log your comments away, they’re always going to remain at the bottom of my “care” list.

What beliefs are causing you to shut down under those conditions?
There’s usually the belief that there are ulterior motives to their comments or actions, which tend to be proven true given time.

There’s my belief that criticism is different from critique. Negative comments without avenues for change or recognizing any of the positive or “right” things in a situation leaves people feeling demotivated and that the effort they did put in didn’t matter.

How can you be more open in future situations?
I don’t think I have a problem being open. I feel I could be better about expressing my feelings during the situation. “I know you’re trying to help me be better, but right now I’m only receiving negative feedback and that doesn’t feel very good. How could I have handled this better or what things, if any, did I do right?”

In regards to the ulterior motives, I could try to find time to be self-reflective and to identify why I feel the way I do. Once I understand where my emotions are stemming from I could return to the person for a more in-depth conversation. “I know we were talking about this before, but I was left feeling a bit uncomfortable after we talked and this is why…”

Do you need to strengthen your “I” or your “We” to build even more authentic relationships?
I need to strengthen my “I” without a doubt. There have been several times where I have not spoken up purely because “I’m not a nurse”. I could have helped situations go smoother. I could have helped my teams avoid problems. If I had been more direct on how to handle change over, if I had stepped up and made leadership decisions, regardless of what my title is or was, I could have helped everyone involved.

My voice matters. I shouldn’t be afraid to voice strategies or suggestions. I have experience and perspective which are of value only if I allow myself to share them with others. Speaking up isn’t disrespectful or overstepping boundaries and that’s something I know I need to work on. It might be scary to have everyone looking at you and listening to what you say, but overcoming that moment of fear can lead to the whole team growing or to the clinic running smoother and more efficiently.

How can you more effectively build your relationship bridges?
I can continue to build strong, lasting relationships by not being afraid to speak up; to share my stories and experiences and at times being direct especially as I move into a preceptor role.

How can you bring your team trust and team effectiveness to a new level?
By continuing to be honest and conducting myself with integrity. If I am a person my teammates can trust, then as stressful and trying situations arise they will not distrust or resent my judgments and input.

Musing Moments 123: LFTIO – Conscious Beliefs

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 2
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”.



What do you believe about yourself?

 I believe I am a good person. I believe I create ripples which have larger effects than I’ll ever be able to know or understand. I believe I am living the life and having the experiences I was meant to have. I believe that I will be ok even when it feels like I won’t be.

I believe my mom would be, and is, proud of me and the choices I have made before, during, and after her death. Even the choices she may not have agreed with or had hoped I would avoid making I think made her proud because they were learning experiences which helped turn me into the me I am today.

I believe I am here to help people through their own dark times because the only reason I have made it through my own dark times was because of the support of others. No man is an island and I cannot deny nor discredit the help I have had in making it to where I am in life.

I believe I function better when I am able to have solitude and time away from the chaos and noise of life to reflect on my emotions, reactions, situations and to self-analyze so I understand myself and others more clearly. I believe that introversion and extroversion should not be categorized in terms of strengths or weaknesses. I believe there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and that my need for solitude is not unhealthy and does not require intervention.

I believe I still have a lot of work to do within my inner and outer worlds, but I can and will recognize that I have come a long way throughout my life. I will not deny how far I have come in the three years since mom’s death even if acknowledging that progress is painful to certain areas of my consciousness.

I am, and will continue to live a life I can be proud of; one with honor, intention, and empathy. I will continue to try to understand my grief. I will continue to not let my sadness win. I will continue to tell my evil voice of self-doubt to sit down and shut up while I go off and prove to myself that I can and will do amazing things.

I believe that I will continue to grow as a person, learning, experiencing, adjusting, and evolving. I believe I will continue to be a force of awesome within the universe for the brief moment of time I am here to do so.


What do you believe about other people?

 I believe most people have good intentions. I believe people are driven first and foremost by self-preservation. I believe that everyone has a story with dark sections they do not want to talk about or share or experience a second time. I believe that everyone is human and that when I am hurt by someone in order to truly understand why I hurt I must step outside of myself and strive to understand the other person’s motivation and the backstory leading up to the situation we find ourselves in.

I believe most people will not understand me or my inner world. I believe most people will continue to be intimidated or dismissive of me and my beliefs because of the intensity in which I feel my truths, values, and commitments. I believe I will always feel like an outsider in regards to my place within society and that a large part of this “outsider-ish” feeling has to do with identifying as an INFJ and my personality type making up less than 1% of the world’s population. Much like life, I feel regardless of what others believe, say, or feel, my being an INFJ is a fact and that I am in control of how I view this fact in regards to it being good or bad; positive or negative.

I believe other people will always have their own thoughts and feelings. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean I have to agree with those opinions or accept them as my own truths.

I believe relationships, trust, and openness with others will continue to be the areas of my life requiring the most conscious attention due to my past experiences.

I believe that all people will, at some point, die, because we are all mortal and that is the natural order of things.


What do you believe about your teams?

 I believe my team works well together. I believe we will be ok once the clinic opens to six days a week again. I believe I will make sacrifices in future moments without thinking them through fully which will lead to, in some degree, regret and that this is something I should be aware of and consciously work to avoid for the betterment of the team.

I believe my FA works hard and does her best for our team and our patients. I believe my FA makes personal sacrifices for her team. I believe she genuinely cares about me as a person as well as a worker. I wish I were able to provide more support than what I am currently able and this inability to help more leads to feelings of inadequacy when I begin struggling with feelings of grief or depression; fuel for a self-destructive fire. Being aware of this as a Shadow Belief within myself, that I am inadequate, allows me to combat this and other false beliefs, thus allowing me to stay a strong, healthy, and balanced member of our team. It also allows me to help other members understand and cope with their own Shadow Beliefs which may be similar to my own.

I believe I am the most consistent member my team has had so far since the clinic opened. I believe I will continue to provide a sense of consistency, dependability, and organization to my team and I am ok with those being the unspoken roles I fill.


What do you believe about life?

 I believe that life has a purpose even if I feel lost and purposeless sometimes. I believe that I am on the path I am supposed to be on. I believe I have met the people I have and gone through the experiences I have survived for a reason. I believe that unfairness and fairness are subjective and in regards to life, hold no bearing. Life is. Life exists. Much like a fact, life is neither good nor bad. It is neither fair nor unfair. It is our own perceptions and judgments which color our world in the hues we choose to feel and see and accept as true.

Life has been a journey and while there have been moments of sadness and loss, I try extremely hard not to regret the choices I have made or the experiences I have gone through. I try to be content and accepting with where I am at in my journey because being sad or angry or wishing something had gone differently is a waste of energy. Nothing in the past can be changed. Harboring regret dishonors and diminishes the importance of all the good, positive, and beneficial things which were born out of those darker moments.

Since mom’s death, I view happiness as a fickle, fleeting thing, much like a candle flame which can, and will, be disturbed by the slightest of changes in the air. I strive to feel the calmer, more stoic, more foundational feeling of contentment. Happiness, in my opinion, is external; contentment is internal. I would rather my inner world be at peace and content rather than worrying about external displays of joy and happiness. I live life for myself, not for the outward approval of others.


What do you believe is your impact or influence on others?

 I believe I have a positive impact on those around me. I believe I am able to genuinely touch people through sharing my story. I believe I inspire people to realize themselves and to become more self-aware individuals. I believe I help them confront and fight their own evil voices because I have been able to confront and battle my own internal voice. I guess that’s what I really believe when it comes down to it. It’s not so much about being a positive influence. I help people be more aware of themselves.


What do you believe about leadership?

 I believe I have a very different view of leadership than most people.

I believe I have a dislike for the term leadership because it puts an unseen barrier between individuals. It creates a platform from which someone looks down from and others look up to. The term leadership, to me, creates distance and that distance feels like sandpaper beneath my skin.

Leadership isn’t about distance and levels and climbing a hierarchical ladder of BS.

Leadership, to me, is about being a role model. It’s about showing others how to be a decent, intentional, and aware human being. It’s about having made more mistakes than others and sharing how to overcome those mistakes or not make them again.

It’s about having people want to follow you because they believe in your cause just as much as you believe in it, not because you told or forced or paid them into following you. Being a leader means people trust you to not be a self-absorbed jerk and to not throw them under the bus just to save your own skin.

Leadership is about caring about others more than yourself. You care about others more than personal gain. More than personal image. More than personal security. More than a personal paycheck.

As a leader, you care about your co-workers, your team, your family, your community and society more than yourself as an individual or your own personal truths and beliefs. You care about basic human rights. You care about people not feeling used or taken advantage of. You care about people feeling like they matter and that there is a point, a reason, for waking up in the morning.

As a leader, you understand that others do matter. Others do make a difference and they do have the potential to be amazing even if they do not see it or understand it themselves.

As a leader, you are taking on the responsibility to care. As a leader, you see and acknowledge the effort others put in. As a leader, you help someone when you see them struggling. You guide and mentor and support others through their challenges, both internal and external. As a leader, you work just as hard as you ask those around you to, if not harder.

As a leader, as a role model of human decency, you compromise. You listen. You learn. You admit when you’re wrong. You don’t gloat when you’re right. You treat others with kindness and remain humble because no matter how high you climb, no matter how far reaching your influence, no matter how impressive your title becomes, we all will die. You. Me. Kings all the way down to the lowest of serfs. We will all return to dust and the titles and labels and invisible barriers we convince ourselves are there will be nothing once more. In the end, we’re all human. We’re all mortal.

Life is unfair. There’s no reason for us to make it harder on each other and as a leader, we are stepping forward on the battlefield of life and saying to all those around us, “I am here to help you not lose. I am here when your fight gets hard. I am here to battle your foe with you, shoulder to shoulder because I care about your struggles. I care about your life and your goals and your dreams and I’m going to help you reach them because you can reach them; the only person we have to convince of that truth is you.”

To me, that is leadership.

Musing Moment 120: The Confusion of Leadership

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Written yesterday. Posted today since
I’m trying to catch back up with life.

 

 

This is going to be a rough and dirty post and I mean dirty as in more of a “word vomit” sort of way. Gross I know, but a lot of stuff has happened work wise and I want to get some of my thoughts at least out of my head and mildly figured out so I have something to think about while I go about the rest of my day.

I went to Academy for work and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually pretty cool and enjoyable for the most part. If given the choice to go back and do it again, I would.

When I got back I had an email saying I had already been picked for the second phase of the leadership course I want to take. That’s the essay part. I have two options to write about. I can explain my passion for leadership or I can write about why I want to move into a leadership role within the company.

Since I don’t really want to move into a leadership role, at least not at the moment, that leaves writing about my passion for leadership.

Queue the reason this is an issue and why I need to write through my thoughts…

I’m not really passionate about leadership…

No. Not leadership. I’m more passionate about leaders and this is why.

I’m passionate about the people who have taken their time and energy to help build me up. The amazing leaders I have interacted with helped me overcome challenges. They’ve inspired me to achieve things I didn’t think I could. They listened to me when I had doubts and brainstormed solutions with me that I wouldn’t have been able to find on my own. They’ve given me information to think about or provided resources for me to look into and then stepped back, giving me the space to find my own way. They watched as I climbed mountains and shared in my feelings of success and victory. They were part of the journey but never demanded credit or recognition for something they clearly had a large part in. They gained happiness out of seeing me succeed.

I feel like I already have several skills that make me a “leader”. I’m good at problem-solving. I’m good at being empathetic. I’m good at seeing not only the big picture but also all of the little steps it takes to get to the end goal. I’m good at organizing and making a roadmap to get to the desired destination. I’m good at seeing the potential in others and helping them see it as well. I’ve already been in “leadership” positions. I’m pretty decent at communicating with others and actually listening when they talk. I’m good at hearing what is said, but also what is not said. I’m good at being open and approachable so people tell me the truth, even the dark, deep, scary stuff they might not normally tell others.

So, if I already halfway sort of think of myself as a “leader” why do I want to do this course?

Because I think it would be fun. I think it would teach me more than I already know. I think I could benefit from it and be exposed to new things that I could use to be an even better person. It could give me new skills that I could use to continue to help build people up because that’s ultimately what I want to do. I want to help make other people succeed in what they’re trying to do.

I want to inspire my team. I want to encourage my coworkers. I want to be someone they trust and willing choose to follow rather than being forced to. It’s one of the reasons I love working with my FA so much. Over the past 10 or so months I have grown to respect her through all of our interactions. From her comment of “I’m not going to let you fail” to simple actions like emptying the bleach containers for me to the wage increase she didn’t have to ask for on my behalf. She does so much to show she cares about me as a worker. I feel safe and secure with her. We’ve talked about me becoming an RN and she’s shared parts of her own journey through the process.

She’s listened to me say, “I feel like I don’t have goals,” and then stated her own observations contradicting my comment. I might not have a specific title or position in mind, but I do have goals. I want to become a preceptor. I want to become a nurse so I can broaden my scope within the clinic and provide a deeper level of care for my patients.

She has encouraged me to step out and apply for things. She covered the floor while I was away at Academy so I could go in the first place. She took a bullet to let me have a win essentially. She didn’t have to go through two days of hell to send me to Dever, but she did because she felt like it was worthwhile to invest in me; that in the long run, it would make our team better, and it has. It will.

I don’t know where I’m going with this…

I guess to me a leader isn’t a leader simply because they are in a higher position in relation to everyone else. I didn’t lord over my students the fact that I knew more than them. I didn’t build myself up and boast that my scripts were used globally. I didn’t brag. I didn’t make myself to seem more than human. In fact, I didn’t really care about my accomplishments. It wasn’t about me. It was about them.

It was about showing them that while yeah, rigging is technical and there’s computer code and super scary shit like that, that it was still learnable and useful and even fun once you got over that fear. Once the fear was gone they went on to make amazing things. They found confidence in themselves and it was fulfilling to be part of that transformation.

Leadership isn’t about a single person. It’s about the team and the potential it has to achieve amazing, unimaginable things. All someone needs sometimes is to know that someone else believes in them, cares about them, is invested in them. Yeah, it’s a really big mountain, but you know what? If you want to climb it I’ll climb it with you, and when it gets hard I’ll be there to help you through it. And when you finally get to the top I’ll be there to give you an epic high five because you did it. You climbed it and that’s awesome. You’re awesome. All of those setbacks and worries and fears didn’t stop you. You got through them and you’re a badass and you proved it to yourself. Not to me because I knew you were a badass. I knew you could do this. You proved it to that evil little voice in your head that whispered or screamed that you couldn’t, that you shouldn’t, that it’s easier to not try than to fail.

That’s what leadership is to me. It’s about caring about others. It’s about having a “we” versus “me” mentality. It’s about caring about the whole more than yourself because together we achieve more.

I don’t know if that really answers anything for me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to cleanly write a rough draft for my essay or not, but I think it’s a good start.

“We” verse “me” seems like a good point. And the “together we achieve more”. Gah, who knew I would be freaking out over a simple, measly 500 word essay. >.<;