Month: August 2018

Daily Post 119: Future Classes

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God. I don’t even know where to begin.

I had a doctor’s appointment today. I spent most of the morning feeling sick and fighting off feelings of nausea. I wanted to have fasting blood work done during my appointment, so I hadn’t eaten since 9 the night before. When you’re used to eating breakfast at 3 am waking up at six and still not being able to eat sucks. I had a headache from not drinking enough water the night before, which is another story I might come back to.

I wanted to print off my paperwork for school so I could take care of that while I was in town for the appointment. That took forever… FOOOORRRRREEEEEVVVVVER. Not even joking. I had two cigarettes, packed everything I needed to which was another five minutes roughly, went to the gas station to fill up the car, came back and still had to wait for the final pages to finish printing before it was done… It was only 19 pages. Not impressed. Not even remotely.

So… since I waited for that I was late to my appointment and labeled as a no-show. The receptionist said I might have to reschedule.

Me: Please, don’t do this to me Universe. Take whatever karma you need to, just please let me be seen today.

The receptionist made a few calls and after a couple of minutes which felt like an eternity, I was told I could be seen. There were a few cancelations and they could work me into the schedule.

My blood pressure was a little elevated. 150/90, but I’ll take it. It’s better than what it used to be and with how icky I was feeling and the normal anxiety of being at a doctor’s office, I’m not overly worried about it.

I got to talk to the doctor about my coughing. Since the antihistamines I’m taking are working to relieve my symptoms, she doesn’t feel doing blood work to find out what I’m specifically allergic to would be worth my money. Since I’m stressing over how to pay for an LPN program, I’m sort of on board with the whole “not spending money” thing. I’ll just get to have fun saying I’m allergic to Nebraska when anyone asks.

I have another appointment on the 13th to get my birth control replaced. In the meantime, I have to reach out to my previous ob-gyn and have them send over my medical records to see if I need a pap done since I don’t remember the last time that happened. If I’m due then they’ll add it into the appointment on the 13th. If not we’ll have a better time frame for when I need to schedule that, which never would be ok in my book.

I also was prescribed a cream to help with a rash that I’ve had for a while. I don’t think I’ve ever written about it. I mean… it’s sort of gross to talk about medical stuff sometimes, but it’s a fact of life. I’ve had this red, annoying area around my neck. I was prescribed a cream for it before, back when I was dating Warren #2, and it went away. It eventually came back though and nothing that I was prescribed afterward really worked. We’ll see if this prescription does anything or not. I didn’t want to drive back into town today when I got the call that I could pick up the cream. I’ll most likely go in after work tomorrow to get it.

Once I was done talking to the doctor I was shown to the lab area where I got my blood work done. Since I have to go back in a few weeks, I’m picking up the paper I needed for my work insurance premiums then rather than having to make a special trip just for that.

Overall, my new doctor was extremely helpful and concerned about my well being. We touched on the topic of my smoking and the sadness I struggle with due to my grief. She said if I ever needed anything to reach out to her and wanted me to know she was there to help me.

After I was completely done with my appointment I made a beeline to Arby’s and had lunch. Zero fucks given. I had a protein shake in the car with me, and a baggie of grapes and neither of those things were working to quell the nauseous feeling of my stomach. The small sip of the shake I had almost didn’t stay down, and the grapes were too sweet for how empty my stomach was.

The thought of an actual sandwich, mentally, felt better. I was hoping it would help with most of the headache issue, too, since by then I had already had two litters of water.

Lunch seemed to work. I started feeling better the more I ate. I made sure to eat slowly, so it took me a while to eat the whole sandwich, but that was ok. I started filling out my paperwork for school while I was eating. Ox also called me while he was on his lunch break so we got to chat for a bit.

When I was done eating I went over to the Southeast Community College campus and signed up for their CNA classes. More on that later. The big takeaway at the moment is that the class I originally wanted to take down in Beatrice is going to be canceled because there are not enough people signed up. So instead I’m going to be doing a different one which will be offered in Lincoln and have me completing the course December 4th. It’s paid for already, thanks to my credit card that I’ll never be able to get rid of, but it’s a step down the road I have finally made a decision to travel down.

Those two things, the doctor’s appointment and class registration, where the main things I wanted to get done, and I did them. With that taken care of, I came back home, took headache meds, ate my breakfast container of roast which I had to forgo earlier, then crawled back into bed to sleep, hoping I would feel more like myself when I woke up.

When I did wake up I was disoriented at first. I thought I had overslept for work, which was confusing because Ox wasn’t next to me and I didn’t think he would leave for work without making sure I was up as well, especially because I would have already been ridiculously late at the point. The more I struggled to understand what the hell was going on, the more I remembered that I had taken a nap and that it was still my day off and it was cloudy outside which is why it didn’t look as late in the day as it was.

I remembered I had felt like crap the whole morning and took a few minutes to figure out my status post-nap. I felt better. Sort of groggy, but the headache seemed to be gone and I didn’t feel sick anymore. Woo!

I had a cheese stick as my snack then got to work in the kitchen. I prepped a lot of the stuff I needed for dinner since I had said the night before I would cook dinner. I made Ox’s lunch for tomorrow. I made sure my water filter was full and that the dishwasher was unloaded and the sink was empty of dirty dishes. It was pretty relaxing to mindlessly do things. Cleaning and prepping food is easy for me at this point and not having to do hardcore problem solving after such a crummy morning was nice.

Ox called when he was on his way home. He agreed to pick up the broccoli I needed for dinner along with some of the groceries I originally was going to add to the weekend shopping list. It felt very homey and domestic. I don’t remember ever having someone able or willing to get groceries for me. Warren #1 was always either broke or didn’t remember when I asked. Zane never had a car so I was the only one able to do the shopping. Warren #2 didn’t shop unless it was with me… I usually went with Mother Earth and Josh when we shopped for the house…

Yeah… I don’t remember a point of time where it was something stable and consistent within the relationship. It’s a foreign feeling, but one I like. I’m not the only one doing things. I have a partner who helps. We help each other.

I cooked stir fry again using crab this time. I liked it, though Papa Ox said he liked the chicken I used last time better. The kitchen is already clean and everything is ready for tomorrow morning, so there’s nothing chore wise left for me to do, and that pretty much brings me to the end of the day today.

Yesterday, Wednesday, ended up being way different than normal. Tuesday evening around 5:30 pm I got a text message from my FA asking if I would cover a shift in South Omaha Wednesday morning. Roughly 4 am to 4 pm.

I didn’t know how to answer at first. I mean… who’s going to cover my shift in Beatrice? Am I going to be able to get a hotel room Tuesday night or do I have to drive up Wednesday morning, meaning I would have to wake up at 2 am? Am I closing the water room?

I got answers to all my questions. Someone from Cap City would cover my clinic and I would go up to Omaha and help them out. No closing the water room. I would most likely leave before 4, but it would depend on census. They would cover a hotel if I got one, it would depend on if any of the hotels had rooms.

I agreed to work the shift. If I couldn’t get a hotel I would wake up early and drive. My main concern was making sure my own clinic wasn’t screwed by me taking the shift.

So yeah… Tuesday night I drove up to Omaha and spent the night in a hotel room by myself where I had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. Even though I liked the solitude, I didn’t like that I wasn’t near Ox on such short notice.

The shift wasn’t bad, though. I got to see one of my favorite RNs and I got to see two of the techs that I really like. I got to meet a lot of new patients while seeing some that I already knew. I got a lot of compliments.

Patient: You did really well. Thank you.

Me: Thank you so much. And you are most welcome. : )

I don’t get a lot of compliments or words of encouragement from the patients at my clinic anymore. I’ve seen them three times a week for the past six months or so now. It’s pretty routine. They feel safe with me. I know their accesses. There is one who always says, “Very good,” once I have him started on his treatment. He’s the one I infiltrated. Still my only infiltration. I still get to spread his blanket out for him every time, and he’s even asked for me specifically when other RNs are working the floor so my FA can do FA stuff.

It’s a warm fuzzy feeling any time I receive praise. And it’s another moment where the Universe makes me pause and realize how far I’ve come in such a short amount of time.

Me: Good morning. I’m Jen. I’m a tech down at the Beatrice clinic but I was told that your clinic needed some extra help today, so I came to hang out with you guys. Is it ok if we go ahead and get your standing blood pressure and temperature?

Everyone was super nice and from the comments I received, everyone was comfortable with me and satisfied with the care I provided.

I got out around 3ish, which put me home around 4. I got to game for a bit before Ox got home, but I was pretty dead and tired. I was running around in circles farming flax for my weaver since that was about all I had in me to give mentally.

When Ox got home we went to the gym. I wasn’t all that jazzed about going. I’m glad we went, though. I rowed for a bit and stretched afterward. When we got home I cooked burger for my dinner and gamed a bit more before going to sleep. It was hard falling asleep next to him which might have contributed to the ickiness of this morning. Two nights of not sleeping well. Lame. : /

While we were in bed I realized I had taken off my mom’s ring at the gym since I didn’t want it to get messed up while I was rowing. I hadn’t put it back on before we left and it wasn’t until we were holding hands in bed that I realized I had forgotten it.

Me: Oh my god. I forgot my ring.

Without even questioning, Ox got up and started getting dressed. He drove us back to the gym where I hurriedly walked inside, resisting the urge to run frantically to where I had been, imagining all sorts of horrible scenarios where I would never get my ring back ever again.

It was right where I had taken it off, sitting next to the seat of the rowing machine, untouched.

Ox didn’t have to go with me. He didn’t, and doesn’t, have to be the amazing and supportive person he is, but he is and the more we’re together the more I appreciate him and am grateful that he’s in my life.

So that was Wednesday leading into Thursday.

Tuesday was pretty awesome and where most of the headway in my life took place.

It started with Ox and I having our morning cigarette together. I had breakfast. I had a fairly slow morning before I got ready to go to the gym at 10 am. I had a decent workout with my trainer. I’m down another pound, which puts me at 15 total since I’ve started working with him. He said once I reach the 20-pound mark I get a free t-shirt. I don’t know why that gives me more motivation than what I’ve had in the past, but it does.

It also makes me realize that I’m close to being close to 60 pounds lighter than when I first started. Five pounds away from that number.

While we were talking, my trainer asked what I had planned for the week. While I had been at home that morning I had started applying for the LPN program only to realize I didn’t know if they wanted me to enroll as an undeclared student since I needed to do the prerequisites for the program first or if there was a special way they wanted me to enroll. I had sent an email to the LPN admissions specialist, but at the time I hadn’t gotten an email back from her.

I told my trainer that since I was in the area I was thinking about going and talking to admissions in person and to get a feel for where the college was located and how the campus was set up. He said he would text his wife and see if she had any free time to meet with me since she’s the chair for the LPN program.

Left Brain: … What…

Right Brain: Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!

I knew his wife worked IN the LPN program… I didn’t know she was IN CHARGE of the LPN program. Pardon me while I have a mild anxiety attack over meeting with the head honcho.

While I was in the middle of stretching out after rowing for about 20 minutes after my workout, trying not to think about this potential impromptu meeting, my trainer came up to me.

Him: I got you an appointment. It’s at 12:30.

Me: Today?

Him: Yep. Today.

Me: *More freaking out internally*

I so did not feel ready for a meeting. None of my questions were written down. What was I going to do? I didn’t want to interrupt her day. I didn’t want to waste her time.

I thanked my trainer multiple times for arranging the appointment. I even had time to kill after I had showered and was done with the gym. I stopped by the Walmart in Beatrice to return some dryer sheets since I had gotten the wrong scent and still made it over to the campus early. I sat and formulated my questions and got an idea for what I wanted to accomplish from the meeting, and with notebook in hand, since I always have a notebook with me, I headed inside for my meeting with the head of the LPN program.

There wasn’t a waiting area. I figured out where the room I needed to be at was and sort of poke my head around the door frame, unsure of what to do. I was super early but the door was open and there wasn’t a receptionist.

Mrs. LPN saw me and welcomed me in warmly. I told her I appreciated her taking time out of her day to meet with me and that I knew I was early. If she needed me to wait until later I could.

Mrs. LPN: No, no. You’re fine. Come on in.

We discussed what I was interested in doing. By then I had gotten a reply from the admissions specialist informing me that courses were changing and that I should check back in with her in September once the transition was figured out. That left me with more questions than answers, and luckily Mrs. LPN knew everything about the transition and gave me all of the information I needed for my next steps.

There’s going to be a full-time program starting in April with a part-time program starting next fall. Regardless of which program I do, I need to be a CNA with a Nebraska license. The prerequisites listed on the website currently are going to be included in the upcoming program, so I don’t have to take them beforehand, though if I do, it would put me ahead of the game. She also said if I know my goal is to eventually go into the RN program, there are other classes I could take which would correlate with that particular path that, again, would put me slightly ahead.

Unlike my brother’s LPN to RN program, there is no waiting period between bridging from LPN to RN. As soon as I obtain my license I could begin taking classes for the RN program.

So my next action step was to register for the CNA classes, which I got accomplished today. Go me. Since the CNA program is listed as continuing education and not an actual degree, I don’t have to be registered with the college to take the courses. No transcripts, to transfer credits… just sign up and pay and your good.

If I go through the process of actually registering before October, I can begin taking official classes in January for the LPN / RN thing I want to do. I’m not sure how to go about the program itself, though. My next hurdle will be figuring out how to financially afford classes. Paying for one or two might be doable. Paying for the whole program is going to be harder, especially if I go down to part-time hours at work and focus on school full time. I’m not sure how I want to go about it yet. I’m not sure how the clinic is going to change in the next few months.

The tech who shadowed is going through training at the moment. Once she’s through in the next couple of months we’ll be able to get a traveling nurse for a contracted length of time, which will allow our clinic to open six days a week again. So, things are going to change, I’m just not sure how, or specifically when, and even if I did, there’s a lot of time between now and when the full-time classes start, so really anything could happen.

While I know this obstacle is on the horizon, I’m going to focus on this first task first. I can’t get into the program at all without completing my CNA. And I guess this is a lesson learned. I’ve already taken a nursing assistant course back when I was in Florida. I never went through and took the test to become certified, though, so I can’t “challenge” the test and prove that I still know what I’m doing because I never proved I knew what I was going to begin with.

Part of not testing was anxiety over taking the test itself. Part of it was struggling with accomplishing things and being “successful” after mom’s death. Part of it was getting the job with DaVita and not needing to become a CNA anymore to increase my employability. My certification in phlebotomy falls into the same boat in that regard.

Looking back at it, it would have saved me $500 to go ahead and get certified. I guess this is a moment where I eat my words. I try to live with a “If you’re going to do something, do it right the first time so you don’t have to redo it later, ” mentality.

Well… here I am, redoing it… because I didn’t fully follow through the first time. I think I did well for where I was at during that point in my life. I’m pretty sure it’s going to make this course easier. I’m not worried about the lecture portions being online. I actually prefer that because it means I don’t have to spend eight hours of my day off in a classroom listening to things I already know. I can go through the work at my own pace and only have to worry about showing up for the clinic portions of the class, which since I know how to do all of the procedures, I might be able to leave class a bit early once I’ve demonstrated I can do them. I’m not sure, but there are options. And being employed in the health field, my instructor might be willing to work with me.

Getting out of class at 9 pm would mean I don’t get home until around 9:30 which means, most likely, not going to bed until 10 or later when I have to be awake at 3 am the following morning. It would only be for two months, but it’s still going to suck if that’s my time frame.

So I have that going on. Officially becoming a CNA so I can start work on LPN.

Work this past Monday was… work. Monday sort of sucked even though it was a smooth day. I was beat up by the time I got home and I don’t really remember much else about it.

The weekend was nice. Ox built the counter for the space to the right of the stove in the kitchen. I got to help draw the lines on the wood so it could be cut. I got to help hold the boards still so he could use the saw. We went to different stores looking at kitchen organization stuff. We got lunch together while we were out.

There wasn’t anything that I 100% liked, though, so at the moment the kitchen is still a bit disorganized. Ideally, we would get rid of the cabinets that are there and get new ones which would allow us to hang the pots and skillets, but that means potentially redoing the drywall, which may lead to having to put in new insulation…

Yeah… It might be a bigger project than any of us realized, but… It seems silly to spend money on a temporary option when all of the work mentioned is going to have to be done down the road. It feels like a waste, not only of time but also of money.

So I’m not sure what’s going to happen in that regard. We have the kids starting tomorrow evening through the holiday. I’ve agreed to play the role of Bookkeeper for Stuffed Fables all weekend if each day we put in two hours of work on the addition. Nothing further has been said about that proposal, but I’m pretty sure it will win out since the kids really enjoyed the game last time they were here.

And with that, I’m pretty sure I’m caught up for the most part. I didn’t mean to go so long in between posts, but that’s how it played out this past week. I’m looking forward to seeing my patients tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it being the weekend, too. And in the not so distant future, towards the end of September, I’ll have classes to look forward to as well.

Daily Post 118: Combat, Work, and No-Tato Success

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Today has been good.

Yesterday was good, too.

And I think Tuesday morning was the last time I wrote, so the rest of Tuesday, you guessed it, was good. And since that’s when I last wrote, that’s where I’ll start, working my way to today.

I didn’t get as much done Tuesday as I wanted. I did, however, go to the gym to row before my rescheduled training at 3:30. I did upper body machines while I was there, figuring my trainer would focus on my lower body so I didn’t need to worry about being sore later. Overhead presses still suck. All of the other machines I was able to up my weight on though, so that was nice. I also figured out the hours for when a staff member would be in the office so Ox could come talk to them about joining my account.

When I showed up for training I realized I was sort of fucked because of all the days my trainer could have picked to completely change everything and do a focused workout on my upper body it’s the one day where I’ve managed to go to the gym and do it myself already. I mean, of course, that’s how life works… >.<;

At one point he asked if I wanted the weight I was at to be lowered. I responded with no, it just hurt. I wasn’t going to let that stop me, though.

We did some stuff with the TRX bands, too. Those were fun in a “my arms are going to hate me so much” sort of way.

I had a bit of time to kill before the SCA combat practice. Ox had messaged me saying that going didn’t mean that I had to fight. We could just go and talk to everyone. We could see if anyone would want to play Stuffed Fables. We could socialize and catch up. I didn’t “have” to fight if I went.

That made it feel more ok to go. I loaded up my gear, you know… just in case. I also packed up the pull out drawers for the cabinets I had bought forever ago. The receipt said I could still return them, so I wanted to try doing that while I was in town.

The return was super painless and they refunded me all of the money to my card. Woo. I got to look at pot lid holders and all sorts of kitchen organization gadgets while I was at the store. Ox called and I talked with him for a bit while he drove to the store since he was off work.

We took his car to combat practice. The marshall showed up with the loaner gear and so began the process of gearing up. I actually did put most of my armor on. It was fun. It felt good. I didn’t fight since there were some new people and the only helm that fits me was being used by one of the new guys, but I was ok with that. It felt good to simply be back. I was ok with not fighting, especially after how intense the day had been on my arms already.

I talked to some of the members and we’re going to be getting measurements next Tuesday so I can have my own helm made. There’s a part of me who’s sort of giddy about that. It will be the first piece of armor that’s mine. Specifically mine. Made for me, mine. I know it won’t be pretty or amazing or fancy and I’m totally ok with it. It will be my first piece of armor and I’ll love it for forever.

Ox and I came home a little early and had dinner. I gamed for a bit. When we laid down for bed I tried sleeping but couldn’t. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep before having to get up to go to work on Wednesday. That sucked and it was the first time I legitimately wanted to call out. I pushed through it and I’m glad I did.

The day wasn’t bad. It was actually fairly smooth considering we had an RN shadowing as well as the social worker and our nephrologist doing rounds with the patients.

My FA bought lunch for everyone since so many people were at the clinic. Normally I would give myself shit for eating pizza, but yesterday I didn’t care. I’ve been doing pretty good with my eating since I’ve been back from my vacation and I did pretty well while I was away. So yeah, I had two slices of pizza with a couple of breadsticks. I even had one piece of the cherry strudel dessert pie thing and it was as amazing as it looked.

Since there was a ton of food left over my FA voluntold me to take some home with me. It ended up being dinner for everyone at home. I shamelessly had a second piece of the cherry strudel thing after Ox woke me up since I fell asleep almost as soon as I got home. It was a much-needed nap. Waking up was the best part. Who doesn’t like being woken up with sexy time?

I gamed in the evening. I fell asleep pretty easily once it was bedtime and slept the whole night through. It’s become common for me to wake up between 12 and 2. Not last night though. I slept soundly and almost slept through Ox’s alarm.

We had a cigarette before he left for work. I laid back down for a bit, but today was another day of early training at the gym, so I didn’t get to rest for too much longer. I got up, got dressed, had part of my breakfast, then drove to Beatrice.

It’s been raining a lot recently here, which I think is relevant. This morning and yesterday I’ve been coughing a lot. I used to cough pretty bad when I first moved here, but it’s been tapering off. Normally it’s only really bad when I first wake up, but by the time I’m done with my shower, I’m fine.

Not today. I coughed the whole way down to the gym. I was still coughing as my trainer weighed me in. I’m down one pound of fat, but I also lost a pound of muscle. I’m not too concerned about this weigh in. It wasn’t until Monday-ish that I started feeling my metabolism picking back up so I wasn’t expecting to have lost much. We’ll see how next week’s weigh in goes.

Since I was coughing so much, we didn’t do a lot of cardio. We mainly focused on lifting, which I was ok with. He mentioned that I might be allergic to something in the area since I didn’t have any sort of respiratory distress while I was visiting my brothers. The rain kicks stuff up into the air and can agitate whatever unknown sensitivity I may have. It’s something I plan to ask about during my doctor’s appoint on the 30th. I’m also going to try taking antihistamines again since they helped me a lot when I first moved here.

After training, I came back home and started cleaning. I cleaned the kids toy shelf, reorganizing everything since it was a disaster. I cleaned the corner of the living room by the bookshelf since there were piles there, too. I put up the boxes of mason jars Mama Ox wanted to keep. I cleaned up the kitchen table, which I don’t know if I should have done that…

It’s sort of like Mama Ox’s office. It’s where her laptop is. Papa Ox also has an area on it, which only leaves about half the table for actual use. I wanted to wipe the table down though and the more I moved and shifted things, the more I realized I wouldn’t get it properly cleaned without clearing it off…

So… I moved everything. The only things I threw away were things like old candy wrappers and stuff that was very obviously trash. I did stack the papers that were on the table though. I messed with stuff that wasn’t mine. I know it would have bothered me if someone had messed with my stuff when I wasn’t home. I also feel I would be understanding that the table really did need to be cleaned.

I don’t know. So far no one has said anything to me about it. No hostility. No “don’t do that again”. So I think I’m alright and I shouldn’t have to do it again for a while.

I cleaned up the bedroom, making a pile of clothes that needed to be washed. I washed the new sheets Ox and I bought together. I folded and put away the towels so I could move Mama Ox’s clothes into the dryer. I folded and put my own clothes away since they’ve been in a basket for a while. I loaded the dishwasher with the dishes that were in the sink. I sent a message to Mama Ox asking if it would be ok for me to use the steaks and cook dinner for everyone tonight. She didn’t put up a fight over relinquishing that task.

I gamed a bit again, finishing the quest line to become a black mage. Once that was done, I made a shopping list and packed up to head to the gym for the second time. I was going to row for a bit, maybe lift some, then head to the store to do the shopping I needed to for dinner and the coming week.

That’s where things changed a bit. I had just finished rowing. I decided to stretch instead, then shower and head out. While I was stretching, Ox called me and said he was off work. He was heading to the gym so he could talk to someone. We both agreed it would be easier to figure out what we wanted to do if I was there since it was my account.

I finished stretching after we hung up then went to the shower to rinse off. By the time I was done Ox was there and talking with one of the staff members. It took longer than I thought it would, but Ox is now a member of the gym and can go with me. We’ve agreed that it would be easiest for it to be charged to my card and for him to give me his portion of the membership in cash, sort of like what he’s been doing with groceries.

Since by then it was later than I wanted, I decided to go to the market at the gas station for the things I needed for dinner and to save the rest of the shopping for Saturday since none of it was essential.

Ox paid for the groceries which I’m still getting used to.

When we got home I started cooking. Once everything was at a point where it could cook itself I started prepping the grapes for the snack bags I’ve started making. I made Ox’s lunch. The wash got switched.

I made my no-tato recipe for the family, explaining that if they didn’t like it I had bought a package of the instant potatoes that I knew everyone liked. I could make that instead if the no-tatoes were a total no go.

They didn’t turn out bad, but Ox said they were extremely strong. I use two tablespoons of steak seasoning in them, so next time I’m going to try it with only one and see if it turns out better. Other than that, dinner was a success. I didn’t overcook the steaks. Totally high fiving myself on that one since I only eat my steaks rare.

I’ve already finished cleaning up the kitchen. I’m waiting for the sheets to finish drying so Ox and I can put them on the bed. By then his load of clothes will be ready to switch to the dryer. I might not get them put away tonight, but with everything else that I’ve gotten done today, I think I can be forgiven if that lapses to tomorrow.

And… AND… I’ve written.

I don’t know why today was so productive. I just know that I’m grateful that I can still have days like this.

I haven’t done anything with the LPN paperwork yet, but it’s on my radar and I know that it’s getting pushed back in lieu of other things. Maybe I’ll buckle down and get it done this weekend.

I’m going to leave that for another day, though. Right now I’m going to finish this post and then game for about an hour, then go to sleep so I can finish up my work week on a strong note, and then move on into the weekend where we’re going to figure out the last little bit of the kitchen shelving. My pots and pans will hopefully have a home.

I’m very much looking forward to working on one of the many projects going on around me and possibly getting it finished. :3

Musing Moments 117: Waking Up Late

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So I thought I had training at 10 am this morning. Turns out it was set for 8:30 and there’s no possible way for me to make it on time. That sort of sucks. I’ve had a good morning so far and now I feel like I’ve dropped the ball. I’ve already messaged my trainer to see if we can reschedule for later today or possibly tomorrow. I’m waiting to hear back from him.

Aside from that, the morning has been going smoothly. I can’t say I’m heartbroken over the mishap. It means I get to write without feeling rushed. I can still enjoy my coffee as I sit and type everything out. I can potentially to go the gym here, which I didn’t do yesterday. I can get the laundry started, which needs to get done, and I can spend a majority of the day gaming, which is something I want to do.

It can be a lazy day for the most part; slowly productive.

Yesterday wasn’t bad. The more I work the more I realize that no matter what I do, it’s most likely always going to suck and leave me tired. 16 hour days were brutal. 12 hours still kick your ass, though. I’m done, mentally, by the time change over gets settled and then I still have to stick around for another four hours after that until all of the patients finish their treatment. And then I have to close down the clinic and drive about 30 minutes home.

By the time everything is said and done I really don’t want to do anything. I have the energy to chill and relax, but going places, doing actual things, being around more people… I really don’t want any of that. I want to change into comfy clothes. I want to be off my feet. I want to be home and know that I’m done being in charge and making things happen.

I feel like I’ve been writing about the same things lately, over and over again. I whine about work. I whine about the gym. I whine about my eating. I don’t like feeling like I’m whining without taking active steps to fix the things I’m whining about. I don’t want to be “that person”. They’re annoying as fuck. Either fix your problems or stop complaining. >.<;

Well, my job isn’t going to change. That’s a fact. I don’t have the option to work an eight-hour shift. So working different hours isn’t a choice.

I could look elsewhere for employment, leaving my patients, my boss, and my pay which while it might make for pretty wonderings inside my head, comes with its own set of hardships and problems and stress to figure out. It’s not an option I really want to entertain. At least, not at the moment with having no other active certifications to ease the transition into a new line of work outside of dialysis.

Ox suggested doubling up my workouts instead of trying to go to the gym after work. He suggested doing my personal training and then a second workout on the same day.

Blarg. It was easier to do things when I was unemployed. There are certain things I miss about that year of my life. It was easier to focus on improving myself.

At the moment, I like the idea of finishing my writing, showering, then going to the gym to row and do yoga. There’s a peacefulness, a sense of smoothness and unrushed completion. I don’t have to drive far which is an added bonus and something that makes everything here in Nebraska a bit harder to do. Everything is at least a 20-minute drive one way.

Maybe it would be better to move training to after work since I would already in the Beatrice. It wouldn’t be extra driving on my days off. More efficient gas wise.

Arg. I don’t know. I do know that even though I’m back from my trip and doing “better” in most areas then I was before I left, I still haven’t done anything extra in regards to working out like I had hoped and I still can’t fight through the burnout I feel after work to really do much of anything.

Today there’s an SCA combat practice scheduled, but the thought of seeing people I haven’t seen in months and explaining my absence makes me not want to go. I don’t know if that’s anxiety and something I should work through or if I should be patient with myself and go when it feels “right”.

I guess part of it is I don’t feel like fighting. I don’t want to put my armor on. I don’t want to go to the dojo and spar. And at the moment I don’t know what those feelings mean.

I’m worried when I weigh in on Thursday that there still won’t be much progress and that thought is demotivating. Maybe that’s a factor to the “not wanting to do anything” feelings. I feel… defeated in a way. I know I’m going to lose so why fight a battle I can’t win?

That’s not a very healthy mentality. If I would get up and do the things I know I should do, I would be making progress. I would see more changes. I would know it’s not a pointless, unachievable task. Hell. I already know it’s not because I’m sitting here in a pair of my new shorts since I had to go buy new clothes because my old stuff wasn’t fitting well anymore.

I can still see the changes in my arms and legs. I still have way more muscle definition than I’ve ever had in my life. I KNOW my body composition has changed because of what I was doing before my vacation, so why is there so much aversion now and the feeling that it’s pointless?

As much as I dislike this thought, part of it might be my feelings for Ox. I want to come home and see him when I’m done with work. We don’t get much time together. The thought of spending another hour or more away doing my own thing isn’t all that appealing anymore. When I felt more like a roommate I think it was easier. It didn’t feel like it mattered if I was home or not. Who cares if I come home right after work or spend a few hours at the dojo, pulling into the driveway an hour before bedtime?

Well… I care. I want my time with my companion. I want my me time, too, but not as much as I want my hug and comfy clothes I guess.

My trainer just responded. I can meet with him at 3:30 today which means I can still have my lazy morning. I can still go row and warm up, loosen up, and then do some yoga. I can still do the laundry and defrost the chicken. I can still stop by Walmart on the way home and pick up the veggies I want.

The day can still work out nicely even with my unintentional mess up this morning.

I wish there was an easy solution to everything. Or at least a solution I wanted to implement. The whole “push through it and do it anyway” mentality isn’t working for me. Honest answer, I don’t want to go to the gym on my work days. So I guess that leaves finding a different course of action.

I don’t want to wake up at 2 am to go to the gym either, so the option to workout before work gets scratched off the list, too. That leaves working out on my off days or not doing it at all, which I don’t want that option to be on the list either.

So… I guess that leaves trying to pull double duty. That still gives me four days a week to do stuff, theoretically. That’s more than half… so why is there this feeling of not good enough?

Most likely because I WAS unemployed for a year and got the chance to do six days a week, three hours each day. I know what I’m capable of and so I know how much less I’m doing now than I was before.

I also know how much I was doing before I left Orlando, which was only an hour a week. It feels like I’m back there in a way. I do personal training and that’s about it. But I have a personal life in addition to my training, which I didn’t have in Orlando. I sleep fuller nights here, too, since I have more than five hours before I have to turn around and be back to work.

I know that I’m spending $60 a month on a membership I’m not really using, which sucks. It’s wasted money and since it’s a contract there’s no way out of it. I need to start using it to justify not putting that money towards my car or credit card. I know the gym is important to me and I do want to continue on my path to be a healthier me.

Maybe that’s really the whole crux to this area of my life. How do I know when I’m healthier? How do I know when I’ve achieved something I was working towards when I have nothing defined to and for myself or a quantifiable thing to measure?

I’m not consciously, actively working towards something, so all of my actions feel pointless, directionless, and useless.

In addition to the LPN program paperwork, maybe that’s something else I can try to work through today. I need a goal so I know why I’m doing the things I’m doing.

Maybe I should try doing the 30-day challenge again.

I have about six hours before I need to be to training. I guess we’ll see what I can get done and figured out during that time.

Daily Post 107: Lazy Rainy Day

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I’m trying to eek writing in while Lil’ Ox is in the shower.

The day started around 6 am with breakfast and a Cotton Candy Bang. When the kids woke up we continued playing Stuffed Fables. By 9 am Mama, Papa, and Lil Ox headed out. I showered and got dressed so Ox, Oronry Ox, and I could head into town to run errands.

Of course, we forgot that today is Sunday and nearly everything has screwy hours. The game store we wanted to go back to didn’t open until noon. The place we wanted to eat at didn’t open until 10:30. It was a rainy, dreary type of day and even though it seemed like we were hitting brick walls anytime we tried to do something we eventually made it work.

We went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to look at pot sets. I was worried about buying one because I didn’t want Mama Ox to not like it or be angry or hurt because she wasn’t part of the picking process. There was a really good return policy with the store, though. If you didn’t like the set you have a year to return it as long as you keep your receipt. Well… it’s hard not to take something home with a return policy like that.

We ended up getting a set that happened to be on clearance. We got a roughly $200 set for $70. Can’t really beat that. And if Mama Ox totally was against it we could bring it back. I still had to fight off anxiety for most of the rest of our trip. I’m always worried about changing things or getting something new. It’s her space and her stuff and I’m the outsider messing things up. I didn’t want the new pot set to be another thing I’m doing wrong.

By the time we were done at Bed, Bath, and Beyond it was late enough for use to get lunch. We went to a burger place. At first, I was frustrated. Everything was on Texas Toast or fried or very much a “I shouldn’t be eating this if I’m trying to lose weight.” My options were pretty much five salads. Six if you included the side salad as an option.

It made me wonder if this is what people with food sensitives go through. It sucks feeling like I’m keeping people from having what they want or making things more complicated. It mildly sucks to feel like people won’t take a bullet for you and go to a “healthy” place instead of a fast food place. Not that Ox has ever done that. He’s amazingly supportive for the most part. Except for this morning where he tried to foist off a donut on me. >.>

I’m proud to report that I didn’t eat the donut and that it’s wrapped up and sitting on the counter still.

Anyway… yeah. I didn’t think I was going to enjoy lunch and that I was going to be spending money to make everyone else happy but that I would be getting shafted with a shitty salad. I ended up getting a cranberry and bacon blue salad. It turned out to be better than I had hoped for. I would be ok with going back there and getting that particular salad again. That helped.

By the end of lunch I was getting tired. All of the driving around and all of the social interaction from yesterday and this morning, combined with the worry about the pots and stress I put myself through with trying to figure out what to eat… I really just wanted to be done with figuring things out.

We decided for our final stop to be Walmart. Ox and I picked out blackout curtains for the room. I got another roast since I’m going to run out of my breakfasts before the week is done. I couldn’t find the stevia packets I wanted, but I remembered to get a replacement container of basil and dryer sheets for the house.

Ox and I got to have some alone time together since Ornery Ox went back to the computer room and no one else was home yet.

When Mama Ox got home we explained the deal with the new pots and went through the old pots and pans, getting rid of the ones that were peeling and icky. We still have to figure out how to arrange things in the kitchen, but I think the new pot set will work. I cooked my burgers in one of the skillets tonight. I like the weight and feel of it. It feels good. Balanced. I like how easy it was to clean up. The set had good reviews online and so far, through my single use of one of its skillets, I have to agree with everything I read.

While I was in the kitchen cleaning, Ox put up the curtain rod and curtains. I like them but we won’t know how effective they are until it’s a sunny day and I’m trying to fall asleep at 7.

We finished playing through the first story of Stuffed Fables. The kids really wanted to continue playing into the second story but Ox and I both agreed it would be better to wait until we have them again to start a new game since we wouldn’t have been able to get to the end before bedtime. I’m glad they’re both so captivated by something away from the computer. I feel like we’ve spent a lot of quality time together and though it still takes a bit of energy, I don’t resent it. It’s not like the times I tried to play Minecraft. I enjoyed spending my energy the way I did.

It makes me more ok with the thoughts of future weekends. I think we’re all finally figuring out how to coexist together. I was still able to get what I wanted and needed to done.

I got to write. I got to go to the gym. I even got to do a bit of my own gaming. My goldsmith is level 36 or 37. I did a few of the challenges in my challenge log. I earned more credits so I can get promoted within my grand company soon. I want to spend about 30 more minutes farming mithril since my character’s buff lasts that long, but it depends on how long it takes me to finish writing and doing my last few chores.

Oh. Another thing that happened while we were in Lincoln was stopping by Goodwill to donate the clothes I just replaced. It’s nice to have the bag out of the house and not taking up space.

It’s supposed to rain all of tomorrow so I’m not sure if SCA combat will happen on Tuesday. The ground might be too wet still.

I’m mostly prepped for tomorrow. I still need to make my protein shakes, but Ox’s lunch is already done.

I guess there really isn’t much else to report.

Ox and I have been more sexual since I’ve been back from my trip. I like it. I don’t know what else to say. I like the way it makes me feel physically and emotionally. I guess there really isn’t anything else to say on that topic. I’m aware of the change. I’m grateful for the change. It makes it feel more ok to be me.

I started looking into the LPN program this morning. I have until October to register for classes in January. There are some prerequisites that I’ll need to take before I can start the program. I’m hoping I can still worm my way out of English 101. I’ve already done did that class.

I want to get the application process started, so I’ll add that to the to-do list for Tuesday most likely. Since I don’t have to worry too much about meal prep or chores or errands, I should have most of the day to pluck away at the paperwork.

Yeah… not a terribly eventful day unless you count defeating evil nightmare minions eventful.

Seriously, Stuffed Fables is a super cute game and I encourage anyone remotely interested in DnD type tabletop games to give it a shot.

And I guess with that I’m going to go so I can finish up the last bit of my to-do list so I can go run around in circles beating up rocks.

Daily Post 106: On Track, Maybe

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I went to work yesterday after only getting roughly an hour and a half of sleep. It’s just how the night ended up working out. I went to bed after 11:30 and woke up at 2. Going back to sleep seemed pointless since I wouldn’t get a full REM cycle. I stayed in bed resting as much as I could with the cats demanding attention, thoughts of Chinese food for dinner running through my head.

I skipped out on taking a shower which wasn’t as big of a deal as it normally would have been. I had showered before going to bed since I needed to rinse the dye out of my hair.

The drive to work sucked because I was so tired. Once I was at the clinic though, it wasn’t too bad. Moving around and constantly having things to do helps burn the tiredness off or keep it at bay. It sort of shot my plans to go to the gym all to hell though.

I made it through the work day and even got most of my “extra” work tasks done, like making sure my PTO got returned for not taking Friday off like I had originally planned. Overall it was a fairly smooth day. My FA was there to help during turn over so it was smoother than I had anticipated.

By the time the day was done, though, I just wanted to go home. I had my gym bag with me. I knew part of me wanted to go to the gym still, but there was a larger part of me who was starting to get a headache from being up for so long with so little sleep. I was still recovering a bit from the gym the day before and I had an early session scheduled for today.

I’m frustrated that I missed one of my extra days of working out this week. Since I came home and fell asleep almost immediately for an hour and a half I’m hard pressed to be too upset with myself. I woke up to eat dinner. I gamed on Final Fantasy for a short while, then went back to sleep where I, again, fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep until 2:45 this morning.

I woke up to use the restroom, had a small spoon of peanut butter to keep from getting hungry, then went back to sleep. I slept until around 6. I stayed in bed until Ox woke up and asked if I knew what time it was because he was worried I had overslept for my training.

We spent a bit of time together this morning before I got up to have breakfast and change. I went to the gym where I had a decent workout with my trainer. I came home and had a snack which I’m proud of. Skipping snacks is a bad habit I have, but for the days since I’ve been back home I’ve been doing pretty well with my eating. Not perfect, but better. Same with water intake.

Ox and I had made plans to go into town with the kids to look for a tabletop game we could all play together. The store we went to had Zombicide: Green Horde. I’m very interested in getting that at some point, but today we went with Stuffed Fables instead. It’s basically an intro DnD game. You and your group are stuffed animals who much fight the Nightmare Lord, Creepitus, to protect a little girl while she sleeps in her big girl bed for the first time.

It’s actually super cute and so far the kids seem to really enjoy it, especially as we get a better understanding of the rules.

We played for a few hours progressing through the story and killing evil nightmare minions. We stopped since it was time for dinner, after which I… don’t know what happened.

We had BLTs, which were amazing as always. I wrap my tomato and bacon in the lettuce so I don’t have to worry about the carbs from the bread. It’s a meal I can actually eat with the family rather than making my own thing or standing in the kitchen like I sometimes, most of the time, do.

Afterward, I unloaded the dishwasher and began loading it with the new dirty dishes. It’s the second time Mama Ox has come in and mentioned a “pet-peeve” she has with me doing something with the dishes.

I don’t know why it got under my skin so much. I am pretty much the only other person who helps with dishes. It makes me feel like I’m not doing things right or good enough. It most likely didn’t help that it’s the second comment in the three days since I’ve been back. This comes after cornering me during dinner last night about how I haven’t found a new pot set for her.

I was under the impression that she didn’t want one because she wasn’t interested in getting rid of any of the things she has even though the non-stick surfaces are peeling and desperately need to be replaced.

So while I’m standing there, rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher I’m trying to be patient with myself and understanding that it’s not my kitchen and that if she wants things done a certain way, I should be accommodating, new dishes are being pilled into the sink I’m trying to empty since not everyone finished eating at the same time.

It was… frustrating. By the time I got done handwashing the things that wouldn’t fit into the dishwasher, I was a little sweaty, which was uber gross since I hadn’t showered from the morning’s workout.

When Ox and I stepped outside for a cigarette he asked me what was wrong. I did my best to explain it, but at the time I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to go back to the game. I didn’t want to pretend to be ok because for whatever reason, in that moment, I just wasn’t.

His mom had made a comment while I was in the kitchen about Ox and I wearing matching shirts, and that too, crawled under my skin. It’s not a “his and hers” thing. I wanted to wear one of his shirts because it smelled like him. It just so happened he had two of the same color and he put the second one on.

I’m not losing my identity or trying to be cutesy.

Arg.

Wearing black all the time is wrong, but then so is wearing a shirt of color if someone else is wearing that same color.

It’s like I can’t win. I can’t wear the right clothes OR load the dishwasher right.

Ox and I talked through what I was feeling. At least we tried to as best we could with me not wanting to talk about something I didn’t really understand. I knew all of the comments bothered me, but without having the space to process why they bothered me it was hard to articulate the frustration I felt.

We agreed to hold off on the game so I could shower and write since I never got a chance to do it yesterday and I didn’t like the added thought of pushing off writing to tomorrow. I had already pushed off my writing yesterday since I went to sleep instead. Pushing it off further wouldn’t have helped with the feelings of frustration.

The shower I took a little while ago has done wonders for me. Writing, sitting with my headphones on while music plays and taking a break from being the bookkeeper/rule master has been nice as well. Lil’ Ox is going over to Ox’s brother’s house tomorrow for a bit with Mama and Papa Ox. That will give Ox and I a bit of time to do some more errands together. We’re going to see if Ornery Ox wants to go with us.

When everyone gets back home we will most likely try to get through another few pages of the story in Stuffed Fables before dinner, after which I’ll need to go to bed since Monday is a work day.

I still want to pack and plan to go to the gym after work on Monday. I think for the time being I’m going to hold off on the dojo membership. I want to pay off my car more, and if I’m already having a hard time getting to the gym I have a membership to, then adding another, even larger, expense most likely isn’t going to help or fix anything. I want to become more consistent with my “extra” training first. I want to get SCA combat practice to be a habit. I also want to look at the dojo in Beatrice as well since my trainer keeps mentioning it. Maybe it would be easier, more feasible, to go there after work rather than driving close to an hour into Lincoln.

I don’t know what the dojo in Beatrice offers, but since I’m not roped into anything yet I can still look and see if there’s something else out there that might work better for me.

It would be amazing if I could get the car paid off before the end of the year, but without people paying me back I don’t think I’ll be able to. Kyle is still unemployed, so even though we talk, he hasn’t been able to pay me back for the time he stayed with me in Orlando. I reached out to Warren again since he never replied to my message. He actually replied to me, saying today was busy, but he would try really hard to get in touch with me at some point. Sir said he would be able to start paying me back soon, but I haven’t heard from him in a while. Mother Earth and I haven’t spoken in six months…

I don’t have any other corners I can cut financially. If I get a large tax return this coming tax season I could have the car paid off relatively early in the new year. It just sucks looking at my budget and still bleeding in $200 a month in interest into a credit card that I can’t make progress on.

I haven’t looked into the LPN program yet, but that’s more because of the way today has gone. I’m happy with the things I’ve been able to get done. I’ve updated My Fitness Pal with the changes I’ve made to my recipes. I cleaned up my phone, transferring the pictures from our trip the zoo to Dropbox along with other art pictures and inspirational quotes I’ve saved as I’ve browsed through Facebook posts these past months. I messaged several of my friends to stay in touch with them, though there are still people I need to reach out to. I’ve updated my calendar with my new work schedule along with all of the dates I need to keep track of. I’ve paid bills and I’ve allocated my leftover money to the places I want it to go.

Today has been a pretty nice and productive day. I don’t want the spat of frustration I felt early to cloud today with negativity. I think eeking out the time to write helped. I’ve been worried about my writing falling to the wayside again now that I’m back in Nebraska.

You make time for the things that are important.

I spent a large amount of time today with the kids doing something everyone seemed to enjoy. I feel like that’s a victorying in my “non-parent” parenting belt. I also got most of the things I wanted/needed to take care of scratched off of my to-do list. Oh! Which is another thing…

I’ve totally made to-do lists every day since I’ve been back. That’s another thing that’s become a hit or miss, mostly miss, thing for me. I used to religiously write my to-do list as I drank my cup of coffee in the morning. Since mom’s death, I haven’t really worried too much about my lists. If I make one, fine, if not, it doesn’t really matter.

I already have one mostly mapped out for tomorrow, and since Monday is a pretty set day, I have that one fairly ironed out as well.

It’s a good feeling. I feel like I know how to take care of my life because the things I need to get done are figured out already.

I’m hoping my vacation was the break I needed to get my life back on track. I’m hoping it let me get back in touch with myself.

Three days isn’t a whole lot to go on, but so far I think I’m doing alright.

Daily Post 105: First Day Back

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Today has been my first full day back in Nebraska.

The flight back on Wednesday night wasn’t back. I listened to Ready Player One for all of the three-ish hours I was on the plane. The center seat remained empty. The person sitting by the window didn’t bother me at all during the flight. All in all, it was a good flight.

Ox was there to greet me. It was one of the best hugs I’ve ever had. It was good to feel home. I let Jon know I had landed. Since I didn’t have luggage to worry about, Ox and I got on the road to head home. We stopped at Arby’s for dinner, but other than getting mildly lost in Omaha, the trip was uneventful.

Wednesday night, once we were home, was amazing. I’m not sure if our relationship is deeper or changed due to the events that unfolded, but in this moment I feel more secure, more real and less of the nebulous “more than girlfriend, less than wife” that I’ve been stuck in. I may come back on a later day and write about it, but right now I don’t want to. I cherish what we have and there’s now a physical object to represent our connection. Something I can hold and wear and cherish along with all of the amazing intangible things that make me grateful to have him in my life.

I slept well even though I kept waking up. It was different from all of the sleepless nights I’ve had in the past. I would wake up, realize I was in what I now think of as my own bed, next to Ox, and fall back asleep without an issue. Normally if I wake up that’s it. I’m screwed for the next 30 minutes to an hour while I try to desperately convince my brain to shut up. Not so last night.

Unfortunately, even with being able to fall back asleep all of those times I wasn’t really ready to start the day at 6 am like I had hoped. I woke up with Ox, shared a cigarette with him, then went back to sleep for a few hours. I had training at 10, so around eight, I got up to shower, cook breakfast, and begin the process of getting back on track with my life. I made a grocery list, checked to see if there was anything I needed to add or take off of it, packed my gym bag, then headed out.

My trainer asked if I wanted to wait on weighing in. I’m glad he gave me the option rather than having to ask for it. I could tell through the workout that my muscles were stiff from the trip and lack of any sort of workout for over a week. He eased me back into everything, though, so while it was a good workout, it didn’t leave me feeling dead.

I stopped at Walmart and was able to get most of the shopping done. I restocked on my travel stuff so I can have it ready if I need to cover shifts are other clinics, but also because I want to start utilizing the gym more and I know this is weird, but I like showering before I work out. I went ahead and got a couple extra towels while I was at the store to help facilitate that habit. If I go to the gym after work, rather than before, then there won’t be a damp towel sitting in my car molding away in the summer heat. I’ll be able to take it out of my bag once I’m home so it shouldn’t have a chance to get too icky.

It’s a gross feeling to try to change into a different set of clothes when you’ve been sweating all day at work, regardless of what type of clothes they are. I know I would work out better with a shower first. So… instead of coming home to shower and change, I plan to pack my gym bag and use the showers at the facility. I’m not sure if it will work, but I think it has a higher chance that what I’ve been doing.

So tomorrow is the trial run of that. Even if it’s just yoga. That’s the deal. Two extra days at a minimum. That means tomorrow and Sunday have to happen since my training is set for Thursday and Saturday.

I wasn’t able to get everything at Walmart, but I got everything I needed for my meal prep so I was alright with that.

I stopped at the clinic to see what I would be walking into tomorrow morning. My FA was there so I got a chance to talk to her. It was a really good conversation. I feel like something has shifted between us. I don’t feel like she’s as reserved or distant with me. She’s more open, more jokey, more frank and… I don’t know… more… real I guess. More like we’re even-ish.

She’ll always be my boss but it feels like we interact as humans now rather than as employer and employee. Maybe it’s because we’ve had to work the floor together so much. Maybe it’s because she’s seen my work ethic first hand and doesn’t have to worry about me doing my job. Maybe it’s because whenever she asks about something it’s normally already done.

I don’t know. There’s a lot of stuff that could factor into it, but I like the shift.

I was able to talk to her about the incident that happened the Friday before I left where the RN at the time asked me if she should call a code. I was able to talk about wanting to go back to school and the potential of signing up for classes. She said to set my school schedule and work would work around it. We talked a bit about my vacation and all sorts of other topics. It was nice.

Once our conversation had run its course, I headed back home to take care of the groceries. I ended up getting pulled over about a mile from home. Yep… for going 65 in a 60…

Which meant the cop totally found out my tags haven’t been registered properly for the past six months…

Guess who was the proud recipient of a citation… -_-;

He was pretty gruff with me at first. When he came back with my paperwork he was a lot nicer. Maybe it had to do with having a clean record. No speeding tickets. No traffic violations at all actually.

He gave me a warning for the speeding but said he had to give me the citation for the tags. He said if I was able to get it taken care of within 10 days of the ticket being issued there “might” be a chance for the judge to drop the $75 charge.

So instead of researching the LPN program I gathered up everything I needed for the DMV and headed out there once I was done taking care of the food.

The only thing I was able to get done today in that regard was filling out a piece of paper which got faxed to my bank so they can change the car title over to Nebraska instead of Florida. That’s going to take 7 to 10 business days… All of the paperwork states that I started the process today though, so maybe I’ll still show up on my hearing day and see if the charge can still be dropped.

I know I should have changed the tags over a while ago. It was such a process and expense in Orlando though that I’ve been dragging my feet about it. I feel like I should pay the fine since I know I was in the wrong. At the same time, if it does end up being a $600 expense I really don’t think I’m unjustified in taking so long. Who has $600 laying around?

I’ll wait and see. My court date isn’t until next month so I should be able to get the tags completely taken care of by then. At least I started the ball rolling. Another step closer to being completely done with my moving to-do list.

Oddly enough, my FA had printed directions to the DMV I was supposed to go to since changing my tags was one of the things we had talked about while I was at the clinic. The Universe works in funny ways sometimes.

After the DMV trip, I came back home to do a majority of the cooking. Ox and I had made plans to meet in Lincoln to look at new sheets for the bed and curtains for the window since it’s hard for me to fall asleep early in the evening when it’s so bright in the room.

We went to Bed Bath and Beyond. We found sheets we think we’ll like. We decided to check out Walmart for curtains since there wasn’t a very good selection for the blackout curtains. We also got dish scrubs, a dish scrub holder, and… an electric zoodler.

Or rather, Ox bought me an electric zoodler.

I haven’t used it yet, but I already love it. It makes the girly, squishy, wifey-homemaker inside me melt knowing I have a new kitchen gadget that is totally going to speed up my process. I actually might try doing sweet potato zoodle recipes now. There’s a whole new recipe base for me to explore and try and I can’t help the silly irrational feeling of wanting to go out to the kitchen and hug the box because it’s so insanely awesome that I finally have one of my own.

I’ve already made all of my meals for the coming week, but it’s a safe bet to say that pretty much everything I make for the next forever will use my new zoodler.

We went out to dinner at Dave’s Famous BBQ, which is a place we’ve gone to a few times before. Eating dinner is tricky with me trying to be clean-ish and not have carbs and all of that annoying healthy shit. This place has mostly meat, so it’s easier to find a dinner option that I’m ok with. They also have the best broccoli I’ve ever had.

Originally we were going to try going to a Walmart in town after dinner, but with it being a work night and still having things at home to do, we decided that since nothing on the list “needed” to be bought tonight, that going home was the better option instead.

I stopped at the gas station before going home to fill up the car since I had driven way more than I had originally thought I would. Now I don’t have to hold my breath on the way to or from work.

I preheated the over as soon as I got in the door. I mixed my dye for my hair and painted my head. I set a pot of water to boil for my green beans. I washed the dishes that were in the sink with my new dish scrubs. I finished up my meal prep and made sure my lunch box was clean and that my water bottle was ready to go for the morning.

Currently, I’m just waiting for the roast for finish up so I can have breakfast tomorrow morning. Once I’m done with my writing it will be time to shower and rinse the dye out and that will pretty much conclude today.

Minor things like taking out my contacts and brushing my teeth will be mixed in with the other tasks of winding down for the night, but today has been fantastically productive and connecting. I feel more in tune with my life and with the things I want to do.

I’m glad with how all of today has gone.

I’m glad I’m home.

Daily Post 104: Last Day

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Fourth day in a row. It would be nice to think that I could keep this habit when I get home. Writing. Processing. Having time and space to do it. I wasn’t making it a priority while I was in Nebraska though and so I’m worried it will fall to the wayside again when I get back. I can’t deny the fact that I’ve felt better for all of the writing I’ve been able to do while I’m here.

It’s 7:30 am. I’ve been up for a while. Jace is about to leave for school. I’ll be gone before he gets back. I don’t know when I’ll be able to come visit again so it sort of sucks.

We played Geek Out last night. It’s an alright game. I think it would have been more fun to play while having a few drinks, but it wasn’t bad. Zombicide was definitely better.

I wrote out a do-to list for Thursday before I fell asleep. There’s a shopping list too but a lot of the stuff on it I need to check. I don’t know what has been used or gone bad while I’ve been gone.

Ideally, I’ll stay awake when Ox goes to work tomorrow. I’ll do the shopping early, before the gym, and the cooking after. I don’t want to do a weigh in at the gym for two weeks. One week to get back into my routine, and then one week to actually make progress, though I don’t think I’ve done all that horrible eating wise while I’ve been gone.

I might stop in at the clinic on my way home Thursday just to make sure things are set the way I want for Friday morning.

I’ve been thinking about the LPN thing. I might aim for next semester at the earliest, which will let me continue to pick up over time in the meantime, which will let me pay off the car faster. At the moment I’m on track to have it paid off early next year. Sooner would be nicer. It would make funding schooling easier. I still have to factor the dojo membership into my budget, so maybe that’s something else I can add to the to-do list… mess with numbers.

I don’t really have much of anything else to write about. No hiking adventures this visit. No trips to the gun range to see who’s better; Army or Air Force. Just a lot of staying at home and regrouping.

I’m going to miss being here, but I’m also ready to be back home. I want what has become my room. I want my car, my gym, my stores. I want my Ox to hug me and tell me that things are ok and that I’m doing well because hearing his voice matters.

We have the kids this coming weekend. It’s two weeks earlier than we thought we would. All I can think is that I’ll figure it out. I’ve survived all of the times they’ve been over so far. I can keep surviving I hope. The thought of an extended stay is unappealing, especially after being away from home for so long.

I don’t know. But yeah… I’ll figure it out.

For now, I’m going to go shower and pack and format my Surface. This is the last post I’ll be writing on it. This marks another moment of moving on and growing and evolving and changing and for whatever reason, it sucks.

I’ve already said goodbye to Jace while I was writing. I’ll be saying goodbye to my sister in law and my brothers in a few hours. I’m saying goodbye to this object and the moments I shared with it.

I’m going home. I guess it would be easier if it didn’t feel like I was losing everything all over again.

Musing Moment 116: Nebraska Goals

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Twice in one day. Three days in a row… whaaaaaat?

Currently, we’re waiting for the lasagna to finish cooking. My nephew has a friend over and they’re in the living room playing Fortnight so I’m hiding in the guest room. I’ve been doing a bunch of nothing all day other than thinking and mindlessly playing Bejeweled. I’m still trying to get platinum on the Diamond Mine artifact badge. So much annoying. /sigh

Anyway. I’ve been thinking… I want to add talking to my therapist to my list of goals. I want to reach out to her by the end of the week. I think that would be something healthy for me to do.

Ox has suggested it a few times and each time I think about talking to her I’m nearly brought to tears at the feeling of safety and security I feel at the thought of hearing her voice again. At the same time, I feel like I don’t have anything to talk about and a conversation with her would be unproductive; a waste of her time.

What am I going to say? “I miss mom. I’m sad. I don’t get alone time. Work sort of sucks.” I don’t feel like I have anything constructive to say. I don’t have an issue that I can identify other than a lack of purpose to my life and the only one who can find purpose for me is me, so what good would a conversation do?

I’m not sure if that’s really changed, but I do want to tell her that I’m becoming more serious about my school goals. I want to talk to her after I start the research process so I have things to talk about on that front. I want to be able to say, “I’ve identified these obstacles,” or, “I’ve taken these steps and am waiting for this process to complete.”

I’ve also been reading more posts about grief and the importance of setting goals in the grieving process since goal setting is something I’ve been struggling with. I don’t think it’s because I’m stuck or not moving forward. I think everyone, everything, moves at its own pace and this is how long it’s taken me to get to where I’m at.

I’m not sure I ever clearly had a life purpose while mom was alive. I think I was just starting to figure that out for myself when life shattered and shifted and changed irrevocably.

 

I loved teaching. I loved making mom proud. I loved proving that I was worth all of the time and energy she put into raising me. I loved feeling like I brought her honor. And then suddenly she was gone so what was the point of doing anything? What IS the point? Why keep going when everything hurts so much emotionally?

I guess while I’m in the waves of grief it’s hard to remember that I can still do those things. I can still bring her honor. In fact, probably the biggest way I can honor her now that she’s dead is to keep living life in such a way that I DO honor her and her memory. Mom can keep living through me and through my actions.

Doing nothing is sort of a shitty legacy to leave behind. It’s not what I want to be remembered for. I want to keep touching lives because every life I touch is subsequently one that mom also touches. They may not know it or be aware of it, but because I was influenced by mom, they, in turn, are also influenced by her, and thus her ripples continue.

One of the posts I read talks about three phases in the healing process.

Accepting the death of a loved one.

Finding purpose in life after their death.

Learning to continue your bond with your loved one.

I think that I’ve accepted mom’s death. I think being in the hospital with her, having her ashes with me, helps with that acceptance. I don’t deny that she’s dead. I hurt over it. I’m sad over it. I’m angry over it. But I never deny or hide from the fact that my mom is, in fact, dead. It just sucks when it feels like situations in life poke at that wound; the one I want left alone and not fucked with constantly. I’m glaring at you, Universe. >.>

So… phase one I think I can put a check mark by, since I’m a to-do list nut and I need a checklist so I can feel like I’ve done something with my life and time…

I’ve been in this issue with having a purpose, though, and so I think the second part is what I really need to figure out.

I switched over to the medical field to try to help with this issue. I save lives. If I’m not there then my patients suffer. I NEED to get up and go to work in the morning, even if I don’t want to, because my role in life IS important.

My life does have purpose even if I feel like it doesn’t and I’ve set myself up for that fact to be true. It’s not just pretty words. I’m not just some cog that can be replaced or gotten on without. I’m needed and on the hard days that fact gives me whatever it is that I need to get up and to actually take care of my work life rather than to allow myself to sink into the void that is within myself. I can’t call out. I can’t not show. I have to be there, which means I have to get up, which means it doesn’t matter how much I hurt. I’m important. I’m needed. I can’t allow myself to break down and not function.

While I do feel like my life has purpose when it comes to work, these feelings haven’t translated over very well into my personal life. It doesn’t help me feel motivated or determined or strong or needed on my days off.

So, I guess personal purpose is where I really need to focus my attention. And I guess for right now the best I can come up with is I live life to bring mom honor. That statement feels true to me.

My younger brother says he keeps going for me and Jason and Jace. I’m not sure why my other brother does, but I’m sure Jace and Lio are pretty up there on the list.

I keep going for mom.

I can’t bring her honor if I don’t keep going. If I end or give up or stop trying then this is the most I’ll ever be able to do for her and in my head, that’s not right. This isn’t where it’s supposed to end, so I won’t let it. I’m not ready to stop being her champion and singing her praises and telling her stories.

I don’t know how to continue my bond with mom. It’s something that I’m still trying to figure out. Writing I think is and will always be an important aspect of our relationship. I think writing to her is something that would benefit me to foster more. I think becoming a stronger caregiver would be another way to bond with her, which is why I still think the LPN / RN course is the one to take.

I still like the idea of holistic nursing as well as potentially being a nursing instructor. I think both of those avenues could bring me a level of contentment and peace that I would be ok with. I don’t like saying that I would be happy because I know I’ll always feel her absence and that her death has changed the way things feel. I think I could learn to enjoy living life, though. I think I could learn to accept that things are different but they can still be ok.

So as far as what I need to do when I get back to Nebraska…

Figure out the LPN program
Stop being emo and actually take care of myself
Talk with my therapist

I think I can manage those things. At least it feels like I can do them from where I’m sitting right now, on the bed, cross-legged, writing what will most likely be my last post on my Surface before going home tomorrow.

The real test and trial will come with being back in Nebraska. I know and understand what I’m going back to. This is my life. It’s my choice to make it what I want, or not. It’s my effort and time and energy and determination that is needed for things to change for me. It’s up to me to figure out my purpose and it’s up to me to remember it when things get dark and cold and lonely.

It’s up to me to remember that I’m not alone even though mom is dead. She still loves me and I still love her and we’ll figure out and get through this change together even if we’re not physically together.

So… with that inspiring note, I’m off to go do my last night of family time.

Daily Post 103: Day Three In Vegas

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Third day.

We had steaks on the grill for dinner last night with shrimp. We played Zombiecide again with Jon. He finally made it here even though his luggage didn’t. That eventually got figured out but it was one hell of a trip for him to make it here.

He had a nine-hour layover in an airport that wasn’t open 24 hours. They didn’t give him a hotel voucher or any sort of food assistance even though all of the shops at the airport were already closed. He had to hide in a bathroom stall so security wouldn’t escort him off of the premises with nowhere for him to go.

Yeah. It sucked. It’s stories like that that make me not want to fly or go anywhere. And that’s not even touching on the PTSD that I still struggle with during takeoffs. It wasn’t as hard to breathe this time, but there were still the silent tears.

I don’t know what I am today in this moment. Sad, I think. It’s my last full day here. It’s only 11 am but it already feels like I’ve been awake for eternity. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and when I finally did get to sleep I had dreams though I can’t remember much about them.

I remember it was winter outside. There was someone standing in the doorway. A male. I remember having them come inside so the door could be shut and the warmth from the fireplace could stay inside. I remember feeling hesitant about that; about offering hospitality. There was a group of us around the fire, keeping the cold at bay, and now there was this stranger in such close quarters. It didn’t feel wrong, but it felt… awkward. One of those, “I’ve made my choice and now all I can do is see what happens.” Only I woke up so I’ll never know if I made a smart choice or not.

It wasn’t very restful sleep and so maybe that’s part of feeling like I’ve been up for forever.

It’s my last full day here. I leave tomorrow afternoon and get back to Nebraska around 8:30 followed by an hour drive home. Thursday I have training at 10 in the morning. Friday I have a full day of work. Saturday I have training at 9:30 am.

I don’t want to leave. Which is sort of stupid because if I didn’t want to be here then why do I not want to leave? Why does it have to be confusing? Why can’t it be easy?

I miss Ox. I’ll miss my brothers once I’m gone. I’ll miss my nephew and coloring with him and hearing his voice asking me to read him bedtime stories while I struggle with knowing mom’s picture is on his dresser.

It sucks and I wish everything wasn’t a confliction or a contradiction within myself.

I’m sort of tired of not doing anything. I’m sort of tired of not having a car even though there’s nowhere I really want to go. I’m tired of not having my soap and conditioner; my familiar scents. I’m tired of not having a cat to cuddle with. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have a purpose or a goal and the more I thought about this writing the more I wanted to figure something out, something more than what I have since I’ve been here.

It’s the 14th. It’s officially six months since Ox and I started coexisting together. Forever fiancees I think is what we jokingly agreed to not long ago. It’s officially been one month since my Warrior Dash. Five months since I’ve become a CCHT. I don’t know if any of that means anything or has significance.

I want to figure out what it will take to begin classes. I want that figured out by the end of the week. I want to know what paperwork I need to fill out and what the general process will be. I want to know, officially, if I can start classes next semester or if I’ll have to wait until spring. I think that’s something I need to do. I think it’s a realistic goal to set. It’s a goal I feel resistance to, but only because it’s easier to do nothing than something.

I know I’ve wanted to go back to school. I know LPN will give me more options in the immediate future. I know I could get into it faster than the RN program. Hell, I could finish LPN before I could even start RN.

I know LPN could be a stepping stone to other things and that I don’t have to stay as only an LPN if I don’t want to. It gives me options. It opens doorways. I know it can give me a starting point for talking with advisors. I know it’s a step towards something rather than staying where I’m at in life, in my career, in my funk of what feels like purposeless living.

So official “Life/Carrer” goals; research the LPN program in Beatrice. Begin the application process. Set up a meeting with advisors once research has been concluded to a point where a meeting would be productive.

I know the last one is a bit nebulous, but until I do a bit of digging there’s not really a point in meeting with someone, and since I don’t know what information is out there I can’t be sure when I will feel a meeting is appropriate. It’s something I’ll have to have faith with. I’ve done this enough times to know the difference between being ready and not ready. The biggest issue will be not procrastinating on a meeting once I feel I’m prepared.

I want schooling. Schooling would be good for me, on multiple levels. It’s most likely more harmful to myself to not pursue school than to work through the emotional and phycological discomfort of continuing to progress with my life.

I’m not going to worry about the Vascular Access Manager or the Perceptor training at work. If I pick away at it, cool. If I don’t, fine. I work full-time hours. I don’t have to do extra on the side if I don’t want to. If I feel like stopping in at the clinic after the gym, I’ll go for it, but it won’t be, and never was, an obligation. I’ve been proving myself enough by covering all of the different shifts I have been, by holding the clinic together through all of the float nurses who can’t legitimately help on the floor. I don’t need to get another certification or skills checklist added to my teammate file that will only increase my responsibility with no compensation in pay.

It would be better for me to put that energy into schooling. So if I do the extra work stuff, cool. If not, cool. Not an obligation and not something I should let negatively affect my emotional state or sense of self-worth.

That leaves the health area of my life to contend with. Aside from mom’s death and the relationship with Ox in the wake of mom’s death, I think this is the biggest area I’m struggling with.

I don’t have a goal. I don’t have a focus. I’m merely doing and even at that, I don’t think I’m doing much of a good job.

I started the personal training as a way to add structure and routine back into my life after my move. I didn’t have anything making me go to the gym. The meetings with my trainer gave me that. It gave me a level of accountability with what I did at home and what I ate since he tracks my weight much more than any other person has.

In a way it’s good. In another way, it’s annoying.

If you yourself have no goal, then it’s frustrating to feel like you’re letting people down over nothing. I didn’t meet THEIR goal, but I don’t care about their goal. I only care about mine, only I don’t have any, so there’s nothing to care about.

I don’t really know how to fix this because I still don’t have a goal. I don’t want to weigh a certain amount. I don’t want to be a certain size. I think setting my goal to “be more consistent” isn’t solid enough to actually work for me. I also can’t guarantee how work will go so I don’t want to set a quantifiable number for my workouts because what happens on the weeks where shit hits the fan and I can’t make it? Well, then I’m a failure and my goal is fucked.

Not really helping to build me up there, Brain. Thanks.

I want to care more. I like that I have more definition in my body. I like seeing the changes that have already been made. I like the way I feel when I drink enough water or eat enough protein. I like not being tired after work and feeling like I can actually go to the gym for a workout even though I’ve already walked six miles within the confines of the clinic. I like the level of stress relief working out gives me.

So why has it been so hard to actually do it?

If I like all of these things, if there are so many pros to going to the gym and eating right, then why do I skip workouts and cave in and eat donuts when they’re on the counter or skip my snacks? I know those actions are self-destructive and won’t make me feel better, so why do I do them?

To that, I honestly have no answer. But I’m aware that I’m making those choices and so on some level at least I can say I know there’s an issue and that in itself is a big step. Knowing there’s a problem means you’re able to look for a solution.

If only I knew how to solve it.

I guess part of it is feeling like I’m on my own, which, in reality, I am. I’m the only one at home trying to eat clean. I’m the only one trying to get to the gym. I need to accept that if I’m going to do it, then to just do it, and stop caring as much about what goes on around me. Just because Mama Ox buys pop tarts and other stuff doesn’t mean I can or should eat them.

Firstly, it’s not my food. Secondly, it goes against what I’m trying to do. I want to be healthy. That type of food is very obviously not healthy. If it’s so easy to pick up a pop tart, then I need to make it even easier to opt for a healthier option instead. I need to not run low on MY food. I need to have the snacks I want and NEED to combat whatever ease or temptation there is in the house.

I don’t live alone. It’s not fair of me to say “don’t buy those things”. If I lived alone it wouldn’t be an issue, but I don’t, so I have to live with it and find a way to work around it. Just because it’s there doesn’t mean it’s setting me up for failure. It means I have to care and be dedicated to myself enough to choose the better option, which lately I haven’t and that’s purely on me. Those are my choices not lining up with my priorities.

So… Quantifiable goal… getting down to 20% body fat in the next… two months. Two extra workouts a week, minimum, in addition to my training sessions. Aside from being sick or bodily harm to me or someone in my circle, there’s no reason good enough to not go to training. Sadness isn’t a good enough reason to not go.

It doesn’t have to be a super crazy workout. It could be yoga. It could be my bike ride. It could be rowing or running. It could be a single class at the dojo or the SCA combat practice. Doesn’t matter, as long as I do something extra, out of the house, away from the computer.

I’ve been writing at the kitchen table, but now everyone is back home from the grocery store and the TV is on and it’s hard to focus on writing, so I guess I’ll end here and let my thoughts and goals simmer for a bit.

Daily Post 102: Day Two in Vegas

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Second day in a row. Go me.

I fell asleep pretty early last night. I fell asleep without saying goodnight to anyone, without taking my contacts out, which thankfully I’m far away in Vegas and cannot be represented by Ox for. At least not yet. Hugs and kisses, Ox. : D

I feel a little guilty for that; for falling asleep without saying goodnight, not for the contacts though I should because I know Ox dislikes it when I fall asleep with them in. Saying goodnight is important to me. What if you never wake up in the morning? What if you never get to say your last “I love you”?

There’s not a way to go back to last night and to make myself get up after my phone call with Ox, though. I can’t replace that missing “goodnight” to my brother and sister in law. All I can do is move forward with today and so far it’s been a nice day.

I wasn’t given shit for falling asleep. All of the guilt I have felt has been purely my own. So that has made the morning easier.

Jason and I went out for hibachi last night. It was a decent meal, though I don’t feel it was worth the expense. I’ve had better for cheaper so I feel bad that he spent that much money. But then I have an issue with people spending money on me regardless of how much it is. It was still nice to get out, just the two of us. There wasn’t super deep or heavy conversation. We haven’t talked about mom at all, not that I was expecting or hoping to. We’ve talked a lot of about Jace and how things have gone for the past year and a half. We talked a bit about Lio and her plans for the next little bit. We’ve talked about my move and how work has gone and what I’ve been up to / would like to do in the near-ish future.

It’s been… nice… though I’m not sure if that’s the right word. It hasn’t been negative. It’s made me realize how much has happened to me, for me, in such a short amount of time. It’s made me realize how well I have been doing on my own, which was part of the point of moving away from Orlando. To prove to myself that I could do it. That I could relocate and stand on my own and figure out the problems I was faced with and etch out a spot for myself in the world.

At at the same time, I realize I didn’t do it on my own. Ox helped researching moving companies and prices. He drove with me to Nebraska so I wouldn’t have to make the trip alone. He and his parents have given me a place to stay and have let me have the freedom to make the choices I’ve wanted to in regards to my work, my hobbies, my time, my money. They’ve been supportive and accepting and helped make the move and transition to this new chapter, this new venture, possible.

Talking about my life with my sister in law and brother makes me realize I’m grateful and humbled and that no man is an island.

I read a bedtime story to Jace last night. He asked to me. I was prepared for my mother’s picture on his dresser this time. I read the whole book without having to fit back tears. I tucked him in and gave him a hug and kiss goodnight. We also played the Zombicide tutorial quest. It was fun and I think as we continue to play it more and get used to the game mechanics that we’ll have more fun with it.

Jon is having a hell of a time getting here. His flight out of Daytona was delayed so he wasn’t able to get to Charlette in time to make his connecting flight. He has had to hang out in the airport for nine hours since that would be the earliest flight for him to get to Vegas. It sucks that he wasn’t able to be here last night, at the same time, because he wasn’t supposed to get in until super late we’re really not missing much time as far as hanging out goes. We would have come home and gone to sleep. No games, no family dinner. The situation sucks, especially for him, but it could be a lot worse.

He should be here in a few hours. I’m going to the airport with Jason. Maybe we’ll get lunch after we pick Jon up.

The morning has been quiet so far. It was Jace’s first day of school. I was awake before anyone else. I started the morning with a can of Bang since Lio was kind enough to get some for me while she was at the store, along with eggs so I could make breakfast for myself. I had an egg sandwich, toasting bread to go with it and not really caring about the whole carb thing. It’s early enough in the day that I’m “allowed” to have them. And I’m aware that figuring out my health / food / training thing is something I should spend a bit of time thinking on, but right now I don’t feel like tackling those topics.

Jace work up shortly after I did. I made him breakfast and sat with him while we both ate. We talked for a little bit, as much as you can with a five and a half-year-old. I asked him if he was looking forward to going to school to which he fearlessly answered yes.

My sister in law woke up not long after. I guess today is sort of hard for her. The whole “first day of school” and “growing up so fast” thing. Those are things that I haven’t, and most likely won’t, experience. I don’t have a child of my own. At the moment I don’t think I ever will. Those emotions and experiences aren’t things I have gone through so I can’t really empathize. I don’t know what it’s like. I can suspect and guess at what the emotions would be like, but I don’t know.

Maybe it’s a little detached of me, but it’s interesting to be on the outside, watching. It makes me wonder what it’s like to be a parent, a mother. It makes me wonder what it was like for my mom. It makes me wonder if I would be good at parenthood. It just sucks that shortly after that thought is the thought that mom wouldn’t be here to help me learn to be a mother. It makes it hard to want to actually go through the experience myself. I have a hard enough time figuring out my own schedule and paying my own bills. These past six months are the first months where I’ve felt financially responsible and like I’m actually making progress on my goals. I’m almost 30. If it’s taken me this long to get my life halfway sort of figured out, am I really responsible enough to be entrusted with raising a child to be a decent, respectable member of society instead of a fuck-up?

It’s interesting, having the time and space to ponder through questions like that. It’s comforting being able to sit and write through the different pros and cons and to actually figure out my thoughts rather than pushing them back due to more pressing matters needing attention first.

Do I want kids? I don’t know. Not really. At least I don’t think so. I think there are things I would enjoy about it. I think on some levels I would be good at it. At the same time, I like my freedom. I like not having that burden and stress in addition to what I already contend with. I also recognize that there are experiences and emotions that I can’t identify with because I haven’t gone through those trials personally. There are things that I will never be able to relate because I’ve never experienced them firsthand.

Ox will always have a different perspective than me in certain areas because he is a parent. He has been married. He’s been divorced. Our lives have been different. I wonder if I ever seem petty to him; closed-minded or small in my views because his experiences give him a sense of a bigger picture that I can’t comprehend.

That came up a little during one of our conversations before I left for my vacation. I asked if he ever got tired of me complaining about work. He does construction outside in the heat all day while I stay inside. Is it ever annoying to hear me whine about my day when his can be so much more physically intense than anything I remotely do?

He said no. Our work is different. He deals with things and stuff. I deal with people and lives. They’re different types of hard, neither better or worse than the other.

Maybe I worry too much about silly things, but I don’t know how to worry. I don’t know if has anything to do with being an INFJ, but I don’t know how to not think about how my actions or choices make another person feel or how they might be perceiving me or how something might affect them. It’s draining. It takes energy. All that thought and awareness of others. It’s why I enjoy the quietness of solitude so much. There’s no worry about others. There’s not additional input to process.

There’s just me, and for the most part, I understand myself, so it’s easy.

I know what I want to eat. I know what I want to wear. I know, mostly, the things I want to do and the things I need to do. I know when things need to get done. I know the scents I like. I know where I want things placed and how I want them organized.

There isn’t the balancing act of accounting for others along with myself and finding compromise for everything.

I feel like I’m rambling with no real direction. It’s the first time I feel I’ve been able to pick a single thread of thought and to let it flow to its completion, untangling it from the rat’s nest of a ball that has become my core. Maybe there wasn’t a real point to the thread other than having a better understanding of why I have craved solitude so much recently. Why it’s important to my sense of stress relief.

I feel like something within myself has been organized and finally put away where it belongs. The inside landscape of my mind slightly less cluttered.

It’s a small step I think, but a step that I’m happy I took. There are other threads, longer threads, more tangled and complicated threads, but I took take of this one single one, so I can eventually, with time, take care of the others, too. I can still figure myself out, and that’s reassuring.

I suppose, for now, I should go. It’s about two hours until Jon lands. I’m showered and fed. There’s not much else to do other than wait but I think I’m done with writing. I’m ok with ending here.