Month: June 2015

Prompt Page 0051: Snapshot Stories

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“Open the first photo album you can find — real or virtual, your call — and stop at the first picture of yourself you see there . Tell us the story of that photo.”

I’m not going to pick a random photo because I don’t feel like it. I don’t have a physical photo album, and really the only virtual one I have is on Facebook.

I remembered a specific picture when I read this prompt, so I’m going to write about that one instead. I feel it deserves to have its story written, even if it is sort of short and anti-climatic.

graduation

This is a picture taken by my mom on the day I graduated high school. Jason, my older brother, is on my right, while John, my younger brother, is on my left.

Sadly this is one of the only pictures I have of all three of us together.

I remember being scared that day, because I had to walk across the stage for a class of roughly 300 students. I’m sure you can imagine how many ecstatic family members there were to watch the event.

I remember being bored because my last name starts with C and once my ordeal was over I had to wait for the rest of the alphabet.

I remember being proud because my best friend was the salutatorian and she wrote an amazing speech, part of which she said was inspired by me.

I remember being nervous because my dad was there. I didn’t find him in the stands until after the event, but he was actually there, and it meant so much to me that I had silent tears running down my cheeks as my classmates and I exited.

I remember ridiculous, obscene amounts of happiness. My mom was so proud. So was my older brother. John was happy because everyone else was happy. He still had a year to go before he was free from school.

I remember feeling so loved and cared for. I remember for the first time wanting to take a picture with my family, wanting to have something that would remind me of how close we really are, and how much we care and love each other. Even if I do still feel like John should get hit in the face with a brick every once in a while…

I didn’t really feel all that accomplished, which, I suppose, is in a way sad. I had never questioned if I would graduate or not. I had to. If not my mom would kill me. So graduating in itself didn’t feel all that special. If something is guaranteed to happen, then it does, it’s more like saying, “I told you so.”

I remember feeling as if I had been dropped into a giant, open field that stretched on for forever, the horizon flat and unchanging. Where was I supposed to go from here? Where did I want to go? What was supposed to guide me? There were no landmarks, no points on interest to explore. I had survived and now suddenly there was nothing. No battle to fight, or monster to slay. I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

But at that moment I was surrounded by people who loved me, supported me, and took pride in who I was. And that was enough for me. I had done well. I had brought them honor, and that made me smile.

Musing Moment 0042: TWPS – Chapter 1

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Chapter 1 – A White Knight’s Epiphany

There’s not a whole lot in chapter one to be honest. It’s mostly the story about how the category “Warrior Princess Submissive” came about. It’s a good story, but not a lot in the terms of ‘how does this affect me?’

It’s more an insight into the author than anything, which is cool it its own right, just not something that I really want to write about.

Towards the end he begins listing a few characteristics about this particular type of submissive, which I do what to write about, but before I do I’m going to rant for a second… or several…

<rant>

I am NOT a princess. There’s a part of me who throws a fit every time I have to type that word out when writing the title of the book. Seriously. I’m not Princess Peach being carried away to another castle.

I understand that Warrior Princess is meant to invoke an image of Zena. But the word princess for me conjures up a delicate young girl, blossoming into womanhood, sheltered and tucked away, skin flawless and nails pristine from never having known hard labor.

I’m not that. I have never been that. Nor do I want to be that. Or associated with that.

The warrior in me shrugs it off, thinking of it as “Well that’s annoying, but eh, whatever.”

The dragon in me feels as if her mother has just been called a hamster and told that her father smelt of elder berries. This part of me, this raging dragon, feels as if she has been insulted on the most basic and primal of levels and that the only retribution is incinerating the offender to a crisp because RAWR SCREW YOU I’M NOT WEAK!

</rant>

It would be really nice to have a halfway point inside myself where my two halves could meet. Instead it’s complete apathy and blind irrational rage… All or nothing…

Moving forward, Michael Makai, the author, touches on some key attributes which sets the Warrior Submissive (I’m dropping the princess to avoid invoking the wrath of the dragon) apart from other submissive sub types.

Michael mentions how the Warrior Submissive is seeking an ally more than she is seeking a dominant figure in her life. He notes that she has already given herself tasks and goals. She has already chosen to fight for specific causes which matter deeply to her, and in most cases she is already actively fighting those fights. She can achieve her goals with or with out a dominants help. She doesn’t NEED him. She wants a worthy partner who will fight beside her, or stay out of her way so she can slay the dragon herself.

I empathized strongly with all of the initial points listed in this first chapter. It was an odd feeling to read those paragraphs and have someone list out pretty much everything I have wanted from a partner, everything I have never been able to communicate properly.

How was he able to list everything so clearly, so easily, while I stumble and trip through it and still somehow get it wrong?

Needless to say, I was intrigued. I felt like the more I read, the more I would feel like Michael was in my head, or following me around observing me in my natural habitat. I was curious, yet also hesitant.

I took a deep breath and clicked the arrow key to flip the page to the second chapter. I was committed to seeing where this rabbit hole would lead me.

Daily Post 0137: It’s Alive!

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Not a lot to report today.

Another rainy day in Florida. In retrospect, I guess it was a good thing that RB and I didn’t meet. Getting rained on at the park might not have been the best thing for a super deep, clearing the air, mending bridges sort of meeting.

I’m still working through those emotions within myself.

I naturally woke up at 8:30, unloaded the dishwasher, cut up all the veggies and meat for Bulgogi and set that to marinade for the day, then made breakfast for myself. I cross stitched alone, in sweet, blessed silence for a while and enjoyed every second of my a solitude.

I messaged Clavan to see if he was on campus. He wasn’t, but we did sort of talk about my issue.

He asked what was up, and I said that I wanted to talk about work. That I felt I would be more useful helping in another area of our program rather than Shading and Lighting since I am working on a Digital Arts and Design degree. the change would line up better with the direction I am trying to move my life in.

He said that he would talk to Joe once he got back to the office. At the very least they would see about taking me out of SAL. So there’s not much more to do in this area except wait and see what happens. I hope something can be figured out to help with my burnout. I hope I don’t have to leave the school simply because my job is slowly killing me. I hope things can be fixed and that I can complete my degree. I hope for a lot of things in this area.

Zane put money on the laundry card so I was able to take care of the cloths. Got them washed, dried, AND put away. Because I’m a boss. /flex

Eventually I cooked the veggie / meat mix so it would be done for dinner later. Zane ended up cooking the rice.

I went grocery shopping and came out at $60 give or take some change. Under budget, which is always nice.

Zane poked at my computer today. He vacuumed out the six cats that were living inside of the case. He also took a look at my solid state drive to figure out why it was so full. He did some file management and got me roughly 30 gigs back. He also started playing Witcher 3, which I’m ok with. He knows more about the story than I do now, but I don’t have much drive to play at the moment. Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow could be a game day where I order a pizza and sit at my computer for 16 hours slaughtering monsters and being a badass… That sounds pretty appealing right now since I was supposed to have that day almost two months ago.

It’s nice to have my computer set back up. Maybe if I wasn’t tired I would have more to write about in this area. But right now it’s more fact like rather than the accomplishment of Frankinstein. Not much energy for huzzahs and stuff, but I am glad.

I re-read the first two chapters of Warrior Princess Submissive. I’ve only written an intro post about it so far, but I plan to type up writings for the first and second chapter tonight while the ideas and emotions are still fresh.

Zane and I listened to the prolog for Game of Thrones. The scene is a little different in the book than it is from the show, but I like it so far.

That’s pretty much been my day. Very low key, yet productive.

The only thing I haven’t gotten done that was on my to-do list was hanging up my cork board. It’s supposed to go above my computer monitors. I may or may no do it still. It’s super easy to do, but I’m sort of content to label today as done and curl up with Scarlet.

Tomorrow is another day where I don’t have much planed. It’s summer break for the students. I don’t have labs, and I don’t feel guilty about it. I don’t have this urge where I feel like I ‘should’ be doing something.

In a way it is a mini vacation for me. I’m keeping my to-do lists to the essentials, and whatever else I get done along the way is icing on the cake.

Musing Moments 0041: TWPS – Intro

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So I’ve mentioned a few times that I recently read a book titled The Warrior Princess Submissive. This book was recommended to me by Zane’s love, Nic.

I know for most of society this may seem odd. A relationship ‘should’ be monogamous. A ‘typical’ relationship is between two people dedicating their lives to one another for the rest of eternity, til’ death do they part.

My current relationship is very much not the norm. Zane loves someone else. So… why is he with me? Because we both care for each other, too. Because all three of us, Zane, Nic, and myself believe you can love more than one person, and that there is nothing wrong with showing and expressing that love. We believe love can be non-sexual. We believe a lot of things. And really, what it ultimately comes down to, is that it works for us. End of story.

Our relationship doesn’t have to work or make sense to society. As long as we are safe, sane, and consenting adults, there’s nothing wrong.

The norms for relationships are being redefined even as I type this, what with gay marriage being approved and what not, which I think is totally awesome by the way.

LetsJustCallItMarriage

I’m glad that things seem to be moving forward and that most of society is becoming more open minded about things. Seriously, I saw more posts from my ‘straight’ friends about the marriage approval than from any of my LGBTQIA-can-we-please-save-letters-and-just-abbreviate-it-with-‘human’? friends. I really am ecstatic for this step forward, especially since it affects my family directly with my younger brother being all fabulous and everything.

That being said, I feel like we still have a very long way to go in the ‘acceptance’ department in general as a society as a whole. My relationship dynamic is just one example of that. But there are other areas where I feel we, as a whole, would benefit from being more open minded.

This next ‘series’, not that I really do series or anything, but the next handful of posts are going to be related… so by definition that make them a series… so I guess I do write series… I wonder how many more times I can write the word series… go go left brain logic, series…

Ok, I promise I’m done with that. Back on track… My next musings are going to be based on a topic that is widely misunderstood and more often than not looked down on.

BSDM.

Specifically I will be writing about how I identify myself within the culture.

I’m writing this intro as a fair warning for those who currently read my blog. None of my comments and inner musings are meant to offend anyone. These posts are simply going to be my own introspective conclusions on the different chapters of the Warrior Princess Submissive and how I feel they apply to myself.

During this introspective journey I most likely will be touching on subjects involving sexuality. While I do not mind sharing this information about myself (if I did I wouldn’t be posting to this blog) I understand for some people it might be TMI.

You’ve been warned. And I’ll leave it at that.

I’m not going to edit my thoughts for these posts. I’m going to write what I feel, I’m going to follow those tangents until I feel they have run their course, and I’ll see where I end up. If the content seems un-tasteful, please feel free to stop reading. There is no obligation, and I promise, no feelings will be hurt.

Because most of these topics are going to be personal I want to take another second to encourage comments, questions, and feedback. I do not mind answering questions, explaining my thoughts further, or in general participating in a discussion.

All I ask is that you are respectful in the way you broach a question.

onemorething

Last thing I promise.

I want to take one more second to thank everyone who has followed my blog, or shown support in some way, no matter how big or small. You are all amazing and I am exceedingly grateful for the time you take out of your days to share in this experience known as life.

Prompt Page 0050: Toy Story

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What was your favorite plaything as a child? Do you see any connection between your life now, and your favorite childhood toy?

When I first read this prompt the first thing I thought of was a specific day. My dad was a mechanic for a nuclear submarine, and one of the places he ended being stationed was in Kings Bay, Georgia.

This is where most of my childhood memories come from. I loved that base. There were bike trails everywhere. My mom would volunteer at our school. We would go swimming at the pool all the time. Sometimes the pool was open at night so they would have the underwater lights on. There was a diving board the I loved jumping off of. They would play the Macarena over the speakers, and every time we would dance to it.

I have very fond memories of this time in my life. I think of it as my sheltered time. Everything was perfect. My parents were still together. I was still doing amazing in school. It was before I knew what depression was.

But I digress.

The day that I thought of for this prompt was a day where my mom had taken John and I to the library. We were allowed to get whatever book we wanted. Once we had checked out we came back home.

I guess something was up with the housing unit we were in because a few guys from maintaince showed up. I was too busy with my book to listen to their conversation, but I remember one of the guys asked me what I was reading.

I smiled wide and flipped the book around to show him pictures of whales.

“Are you home schooling them?” The guys asked my mom.

“No. It’s what she wanted to read.” My mom replied.

That pretty sums up most of my life. Yeah I had toys. Barbies, Polly Pockets, Legos, then computer games and card games. Yeah I watched cartoons and did ‘normal’ kid stuff.

But mostly I watched the Discorvery channel, the History channel, the Science channel. Mostly I read about science things. Fictional diaries about princesses and what their lives were actually like.

Play always seemed more fun when my brain was engaged in thinking. I wanted to learn more, about everything. My favorite toy was knowledge.

Daily Post 0136: Wishes of the Weak

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This is my writing from last night.

Have you ever wanted something, or thought you wanted something, and then you get your opportunity, and you realize that you’re not ready for it? It’s too much, too soon. When faced with the choice to “do or do not, there is no try,” you can’t do it?

That happened to me today.

While I was writing my post earlier this morning I received a text message. I honestly don’t know if I should write about it. It’s another one of those things where I feel like since I know certain people read my blog, that I shouldn’t, but I know I need to, for myself, and so I’m faced with should I or shouldn’t I, and I feel if I ‘should’ that I’m being selfish.

And around and around the wheel goes as the hamster runs until I feel like putting my head down on the keyboard and just giving up on all thought. Thinking of nothing takes so much less energy than trying to figure out what is ‘right’.

What I do know is that RB asked to meet for coffee or lunch to ‘clear the air’, face to face. Where didn’t matter. It would be anywhere I wanted. He said he was mobile again. I asked if he wanted to meet because of my blog posts since a few of my recent ones mentioned him.

He said no. That the meeting would be about everything. I thought of our relationship, our dynamic, our breakup, the interations we had after the end through phone calls and messages. It would be about everything.

I asked if we could meet at a park. Somewhere neutral. Somewhere open.

He said yes and asked what time.

10am?

Ok. He would see me then. He said I shouldn’t worry. It was nothing earth shattering, but inside my head it was. This was a lot. Really fast. I was having a hard time breathing, and I honeslty don’t know why. It’s just messages. I was even able to choose where the meeting would be at. Why didn’t that make me feel better?

I had wanted to know he was ok. I wanted to know we were ok, and that he didn’t think horribly of me.

We exchanged more messages, but I was unsettled. I had wanted this, right? I had wanted to have closure.

I finished my writing. I skipped out on yoga like I thought I would. I tried to take my mind off of the feelings inside me, but it didn’t work. I ended up talking to several people to figure out the emotions.

Every person said the same thing. If you’re uncomfortable, don’t do it.

It wasn’t, “this is what you should do.” “How could you think of meeting?”

There wasn’t any sort of guidance in their responses. Just the notion that I knew what was best for me, and to go with what I felt. Not helpful, thanks. Who do I get to pass the buck to now? Who is supposed to take responsibility for my decisions… oh… me… not what I wanted. >.<;

The day was pretty lazy. It rained for most of the morning. Dreary, low energy. The type of day where you sleep for most of it, and then veg out to Netflix for the rest.

That’s not what I did, but I didn’t go to Avalon or the Thai restaurant like I had planned either. I didn’t feel like being adventurous anymore. I wanted something normal and comforting. I wanted something close to home.

So Zane and I went to Tijuana Flats instead. It’s a fresh mex type of place. I got a No-ritto bowl. I ordered it the first time because I thought the name was super cute, it just so happens that it’s also an awesome dish so I keep ordering it when I find myself there.

While we ate we talked about the mechanics for Zane’s game. How would spells be cast and what types of spells would there be? It was fun to brainstorm. When lunch was over we were near the frozen yogurt shop so we stopped there. It seems to be a weekend thing for us. Our own little routine. I’m not sure if I like it simply because it’s a ‘sweet treat’ sort of a thing. Shouldn’t I be eating carrots? Or celery?

I stomped out the guilty feeling today though and just let myself enjoy it. Emotional discord meet dark chocolate mint frozen yogurt with cut up strawberries and kiwis on top. Prepare to be owned.

We came home after that and cuddled for a few hours. Really we were killing time, waiting for Zane’s brother to show up for game night. We talked a bit more about the game mechanics, we talked about roommates, we talked about money.

I didn’t think about what chores there were. I didn’t think about Monday and work and talking with Clavan. I just existed for a few hours and talked about whatever happened to come up.

At 5:30 we got up to clean the apartment a bit. I finally cleaned the bathroom. It wasn’t super bad, but it’s a dude’s bathroom, so it needed some love in the form of bleach. I’m happy to have that off my list finally.

Uke, Zane’s brother, came over with his girlfriend and food from Tacobell. We brainstormed for a while on character enhancements. They actually let me go off on my own to think for a while. They liked my ideas when I came back, so I think they’ll be more willing to let me work solo whenever they need my input on something. I think they understand and respect that I function better that way.

Eventually everyone was done being creative so we played rummy. Since Uke had never played the game before, and I couldn’t remember all of the rules we played in teams.

During this time I made up my mind about the meeting with RB. I wanted to do it. I really did. And I really couldn’t. Not yet. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s just that I’m a chicken shit. But when put up came to shut up, I couldn’t do it. Not and be ok. Emotionally I’m not ready, and I can’t change that.

I ended up leaving the game before it ended. And now I’m writing. And that’s been my day.

I feel lame. I feel like I should be careful what I wish for. In a way I feel like I’ve lied.

“I want this. I mean, wait. That’s not what I really meant.”

Well, then say what you mean or don’t say anything at all. Maybe that’s a bit harsh. I don’t know. I haven’t had time to think through it. All I know is that I had a chance, and I backed out, and this is where I’m at.

Nightbook – Ludovico Einaudi

Daily Post 0135: Card Night

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I feel like I’ve written a lot. I feel like I’m glad next week is summer vacation and that I don’t have classes to teach or homework to worry about. Honestly I’ve been so focused on getting through this week that I haven’t planned anything for next week. I don’t have much motivation for anything at the moment.

The first thing that comes to mind is going to the beach. Sitting in the sand and watching the ocean, the waves rolling over the whiteness stretching before me. Over and over, tireless continueing, creeping ever closer, then retreating further away, only to come close again.

I can imagine the sun glaring down on my shoulders, my toes digging into the wet sand, and the cool breeze kissing my skin.

Maybe I will do that. Or the cold springs. Something out in nature, something that will wash me clean.

I wrote a lot yesterday. I wrote about the conversations I had with Zane. I wrote about a lot of things that have been on my mind lately. That’s what I did for most of the SAL lab yesterday. Think, and write.

I was rested from having slept well. I was fed because Zane had made me breakfast. And I was clear headed because I had mostly worked through the knotted yarn ball that had been rolling around inside me.

I wasn’t done writing when lab ended. I came home and sat on the couch with Zane while I finished. It actually took a while. I didn’t post it right away becasuse I wanted to proof read it a bit. I knew there were tons of typos in it, and most likely there still are. But at least it’s better than it was.

Saturday night I was supposed to hang out with Frank, his wife, and some of their other friends for cards. The original idea was to play Magic the Gathering, which meant I had to go to the storage unit to get my cards. Since I had to go to the storage unit I decided to take a few boxes of stuff the guys wanted to put in storage. Zane’s winter clothing, some wine glasses that Trevor had packed up, and the bit of kitchen stuff that I wasn’t going to be using.

Zane helped me carry the boxes to my car and I made sure to have the card to access the unit. When I got to the unit there were a ton of people there, so I had to wait for a cart, but once I got one the process was pretty painless. Put the stuff away, got my box of cards, then left.

I went to the gym before going home. I wanted to go running before I gave myself a chance to not do it. I ran for a solid 3:30 interval. That’s over double my normal run time. I’m happy with that. It was at a slower pace, which affected my time, but totally proud. I will definitely be upping my interval times for the coming week.

Because Runkeeper can’t track the distance I run on a treadmill I normally text my stats to someone; usually the last person I sent a message to just because it’s convienant.

So I text Zane my numbers. 1.17 miles in 20 minutes.

He replied back asking if was tired. I replied, “Nope. Are you?” I wasn’t really sure what he was getting at, so I was just going with it.

He replied back saying that I had had better times than that.

…

I was empty for a few minutes. And then I was angry. So what if I have had better times that that? Not all of my times are going to be personal records. And I’m pretty sure that time was way better than yesterday’s time where I didn’t go running at all. And I’m pretty sure it’s a hell of a lot better than YOUR time, since you don’t run at all.

/rage

But there was a part of me who was hurt more than angry. I have had better times than that. Maybe I didn’t run as hard or as well as it felt like I did. Maybe I’m letting myself and other people down. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

Having either of those emotions after what I had felt like was a good workout sucked. I didn’t stretch as long as I should have. I didn’t want to be at the gym. I didn’t like this wounded feeling, and I knew I needed to talk to Zane about it. I did’nt feel like it was fair.

I got home, but couldn’t say anything because the anger was still too strong. He offered to get me a glass of water after a few minutes of me sitting. I was still breathing hard, cooling down. I nodded yes.

I knew I hadn’t been drinking enough water. I could feel it in my skin. I felt sunburnt and overly hot, and I guess Zane could tell that I was overheating. He said my skin was extremely red, and that I aught to take a cold shower once I was done drinking.

That really didn’t help the anger in me. On top of feeling insulted, now I was being told what to do. Screw you and your horse. I’m going to sit on the floor and cuddle with Scarlet instead.

After a little bit Zane asked if I was ok. I said that his text message bothered me. But that it bothered me because of pride, and that eventually I would get over it. I thought it was a good run, so it was a good run. If other people didn’t think it was a good run then they could go have their own run.

I looked at Runkeeper to see my previous times. Going backwards from yesterday my times are 17 minute mile, 16:30, 16, 15. So yes, my previous runs are better. I’m still three minutes under that I consider normal for me. For the longest time I averaged a 20 minute mile. I’m happy and proud of 18, and here I am still under even that and going for an interval that is over double what I normally do.

Gah. Rawr. Rage.

Zane said he hadn’t meant anything insulting. That he had been worried that I was too tired to run; which to be fair I was pretty tired before heading out. It most likely didn’t help my case to come home over heated.

But still. I didn’t like having my time commented on. He’s text back a few times in the past saying things like, “Awesome.” He was being positive and supportive and even those bothered me. I don’t want comments. I don’t want outside commentary. I just want a place to put my stats so I can log them online later.

Maybe it would be best to find a new place to store the information to avoid situations like that. I know it wasn’t malicious, but I’m still a little miffed about it.

I did end up taking a cold shower, which is not normal for me. I typically bathe in lava. I felt so warm though, and the water I had drunk wasn’t helping yet. After the shower I sent a text to Frank asking for his address. Cards was supposed to start around 7 and it was 6:50.

I was pretty sure I could find his house again on my own, but I wanted the address to be safe. At 7:05 I decided to go ahead and go, and if got lost I would try calling. I stopped by the CVS near the apartment to get chips, salsa, and Gatorade for myself. I didn’t think drinking alcohol would be a smart move.

I found the house fine. Frank was actually walking outside right when I pulled up. He helped carry the chips and salsa in, but since there were going to be 8 people at the house, we decided to go with Cards Against Humanity rather than Magic the Gathering.

I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to last with that many people, and with me only knowing two of them. But I told myself that my curfew was 11. That was the latest I would be out, no matter what.

Frank had ordered pizza, so I had some of that while we all chatted for a bit. I did end up having one drink, and once the food was done we got to playing cards.

It was fun and I enjoyed myself. I ended up leaving at 10 instead of 11, but I was tired. I hadn’t napped during the day, and I had my amazingly fantastic, take your opinion and shove it, uber run at the gym earlier.

Zane had work at 9pm so he wasn’t home when I got home. I set my alarm for 1:30 before getting into bed so I would be able to pick up Zane if he needed a ride. He had mentioned earlier that Pat had offered to bring him back to the apartment after the lounge had closed, and that he would keep me posted on his ride status.

So at 1:20ish Zane said he didn’t need a ride. I text back saying ok, and that I would see him when he got home, turned off my alarm, and immediately went back to sleep.

When Zane got home we had our routine; wake me up to say hi, talk about our days, offer to smoke hookah or sleep more.

My legs hurt, more than normal. If I had to guess I would say it’s a mix of working on endurance and not stretching properly. Zane said he could feel knots in my calves, and helped work them out. So not fun, but I don’t have pain this morning, so it was worth suffering through.

I actually opted to stay asleep last night. I’m not sure when Zane came to bed, but at some point he did. I’ve been up since around 9am. There’s a yoga class at 11. I’m not sure if I’ll go to it. Even as I type that I’ve already pretty much solidified that I’m not going to in my head. I’m not ready to be out and about with the day.

Yesterday when we were originally figuring out what to do with today, Zane had wanted to stay at home and work on his game. But when he mentioned it to me he saw I wasn’t all that enthused. I didn’t really have plans for my day or anything, but it would have been nice to pick out something for myself rather than being given something. Especially since I wouldn’t want to stay inside all day. I would at least want to break it up with a trip to the grocery store, or the gym. Something to get a little bit of sunlight.

He came back a little later and said that he actually wanted me to pick something for us to do. He wanted me to enjoy my day off. I felt bad at first. I knew he wanted to work on his game and that it’s important to him, but I also knew that I wanted to, as he said, enjoy the time I had off because I get so little of it. I wanted to be selfish and so something that I wanted to do.

He had mentioned a few days ago how we were out of sage. There’s a metaphysical shop near where we live called Avalon. Zane went there with Nic while she was visiting, and told me about the shop. It seemed like an interesting place and I’ve wanted to go there just to poke around for a while.

I asked if we could go there tomorrow. He could get sage I could explore. It was a nice compromise in my book. Zane liked the idea. I said we would be really close to a Thia restaurant that I really like as well. We could get lunch while we’re out, and while we’re eating we could talk about game stuff. He wanted me to help figure out the spells for magic users.

He liked that idea, too.

So that’s our game plan at the moment. Some exploring, some lunch, some brainstorming, grocery either today or tomorrow. Later there’s a new episode of Is It Wrong To Pick Up Chicks In A Dungeon, and later tonight is game night. I’m looking forward to my day.

Prompt Page 0049: All About Me

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“Explain why you chose your blog’s title and what it means to you.“

I’ve explained the tag and title of my blog before but after going back and reading it, I never really explained where ‘Warrior’ came from.

It’s complicated and yet simple at the same time. For me there’s a story, an evolution of how I came to think of myself as ‘Warrior Freya’, and that story is part of who I am.

I began exploring Odinism a few years ago, which is how I came to follow Freya; the Nordic goddess of sexuality, fertility, war, and death. Needless to say my choice in deities is a little uncommon, so when it comes up in conversation it tends to lead to a lot of questions.

People are curious. How did I become involved in Odinism, or better yet, what is it exactly? How do I worship? Do I dance naked around fires sacrificing chickens? Ok, maybe nothing that crass, but you get the idea.

I began seeing my most recent ex, RB, about a year ago actually. Around June or July. He, like everyone else, found my choice in faith fascinating and unique. My pet name ended up being ‘His Freya’, and for a while I used that as the title for a previous blog, and for several profile names.

When we broke up it felt wrong to use that phrase to identify myself. I deleted the blog because it felt wrong to continue using it. I deleted a handful of other profiles as well. The ones I didn’t want to delete I had to figure out a new name for.

I didn’t know what to use. I enjoyed being called Freya. It made me feel closer to my goddess. It felt right, and I didn’t feel that section of the title should have to change. I was connected to Freya before the relationship. I shouldn’t have to give up that aspect of myself because the relationship was over.

But I as no longer ‘his’. And really that was where the problem stemmed from.

Our relationship was a D/s dynamic. He was my Sir. And without getting into a 16 page explination of BDSM that dynamic would be a bit hard to explain.

What stuck with me, rung in my ears, since the break up was wondering if I really was a submissive at all. I felt I was, but as the relationship deteriorated I found myself less and less willing to take that role. I didn’t feel it was right. And as much as I hate to type this truth, I didn’t feel he deserved my submission, was worthy of it.

I explained in the beginning of the dynamic that I felt like a warrior more than a submissive. That I wanted choose to kneel before someone because I approved of their character, their choices. I find their character strong, stronger than my own. I wanted to feel as if they could help me grow, in a way be a mentor or a commander to me. I wanted to find them a worthy person to follow. I wanted to believe in the causes they choose to fight for. I wanted those causes to be just and righteous and moral, and because they were ‘good’ I would fight for them as well. I would support them and give them my sword in battle.

I would give them my self, my life, my loyalty.

I am NOT a submissive to everyone. In fact I am submissive to very, very few people. I can stand on my own. I can take care of myself and my responsibilities. In fact it’s harder for me to function around other people because more often than not I feel like they get in the way. I don’t want to be micro managed. If I am given a task I want to be left alone so I can do it. And normally that task will be completed faster than expected, better than expected, and other things will have gotten done along the way.

I’m not a weak-willed person. That isn’t what being submissive is about. I’m not broken, or in need of guidance.

I don’t NEED a dominant. And that is something that a lot of dominants do not understand. I am not a typical submissive. I myself did not understand it until a book I read recently, The Warrior Princess Submissive.

Aptly named…

Anyway, back to the story.

Because I didn’t understand my aversion to being submissive I began to question this aspect of my personality. Was I just trying to pretend or fake it? Was it something that I thought was ‘cool’ so I was trying to fit a mold that wasn’t me? I was accused of being willful, of not submitting, and that hurt for me. I wanted to submit, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it when I felt like the choices being made were irresponsible and immature. I couldn’t stand behind that type of commander.

After soul searching I decided I would no longer identify as a submissive. I wasn’t submissive. I was a warrior. A warrior who at the moment was fighting for herself. I was fighting for my causes, my beliefs.

And so I became Warrior Freya.

There is more to the tale of my BDSM identity. How I learned I really am a submissive, and that there is nothing wrong with my mentality or the type of dynamic I am looking for. But that is a post for another day.

Musing Moments 0040: Things That Should Be Said

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There are a few topics that I need to work through at the moment. They’ll each get their own section, so hopefully I don’t tangent all over the place. That being said, I do expect this to be a bit of a winding, long, TLDR post.

Faith

I feel I have strayed from my journey. The very beginning of my blog, the first post, was the day I shaved my head. It was the start. It was where I dedicated myself to myself, and proclaimed that I would focus on improvement.

I would focus on my health, my faith, my emotional and spiritual well-being. I would work on me and my insecurities. I would solidify the direction I was headed in life.

I gave Freya my word that I would honor her through my actions. Through honoring myself and what I had / have been given I would in turn bring her honor. I decided to explore Buddhism, and to try to reach higher levels of enlightenment.

I feel I have strayed from this path. I feel while it is important to ‘go with the flow’ that at the moment I am in a storm of my own creation. I am being tossed about by angry waves and that I am not on the course I had originally intended for myself.

I have yet to finish Buddhism Plan and Simple, which I started months ago. I have not been diligent with the gym, running, or yoga, which is a form of worship for me. I have let my eating habits slip, which is dishonoring my body, which in turn dishonors my goddess.

Little transgressions, small cuts, which I feel are building to bleed me out. I am wounding this area of my life and it is causing discord. I need to acknowledge my actions and actively work to correct them rather than continuing to do things I know taking me away from where I want to go; away from my goddess.

I am a warrior. I will overcome any foe, including my own mentalities. I will not hold myself back. I will persevere and be victorious. I will reach my goals and I will return to the inner peace I know I am capable of feeling.

Relationships

I feel like John, my younger brother, and I are drifting apart. It’s hard for us to line up our schedules, what with mine always being screwy and him being in Germany. I feel his absence. He may be taking leave to visit soon. The only thing to really do is acknowledge these emotions, accept them within myself. I miss him, and will continue to miss him.

My mom is getting ready to move to Las Vegas to be closer to my older bother, sister in law, and my nephew. She will no longer be a six hour drive from me. I haven’t come to terms with this yet. It’s not real in my head.

I know this is going to be hard for me, for both of us. My mom and I are extremely close. I know I’m going to experience feelings of abandonment. It will be one more reason for me to leave Florida; to be closer with my family. Since this has yet to happen, again, there’s not much else to do other than to acknowledge the feelings and to move on.

I am more settled about the feelings with my dad. Father’s Day was hard, not as hard so it is for some. But knowing that does not diminish or make my own feelings less valid.

He didn’t reach out to me, and I didn’t reach out to him. There’s not much else to say. Things are as they were. Each year it gets easier. Not by much, but I accept that we are different people. We can’t have what we did when I was a child because I am no longer a child. He has two other daughters. He has another wife. He himself is a different person. The past is where it belongs, in the past, and while I miss the relationship we had, some relationships are meant to end. I feel this is one of the ones in my life that I need to truly let go of.

Ex. I dislike this term so much. I dislike thinking of my relationships, any relationship, has ‘failed’. I dislike how some of the relationships in my past are with people whom I can no longer talk to. I dislike that things turned out so badly that something I though was positive, lasting, turned into something corrosive, corrupted. Poisoned to the point that even the friendship I thought was there could no longer be salvaged.

I miss Mother Earth, Sammie, my other half. As her wedding draws closer I feel smaller and more frail in this area. I want to be able to hug her. I want to be able to see her and Josh. I want for us to pile into the truck together to go grocery shopping. I want us to share ice cream, or go to Denny’s. I want to bake zucchini fries using the fry cutter she gave me. I want to make the zucchini brownies she loved so much. I want to say I’m sorry. I want her to hold me while I cry. I want things between us to be ok, because I feel like they aren’t still.

And maybe that’s all inside of my head. I feel no matter what that it is selfish of me. I feel like the lapse in communication was on my part, that though a relationship takes two people, that I was the one in the wrong.

I should have asked or been more up front about meeting people. I should have considered how Mother Earth would feel finding out about Zane through my blog rather than through a phone call, or even a Facebook message. It wasn’t fair to her. She deserved better, and there’s nothing I can do to go back and change how I chose to handle the situation.

The only way to mend this is by reaching out. This is a relationship I do not want to lose. I feel this is a relationship worth fighting for. I will try to mend the trust I broke. I will do my best to try to right the wrong, the hurt, I have caused, and in the end I feel that is all I can do. My best.

RB. I miss him as well. I ache to know he is ok. I hope he is healing. I hope he is moving forward and finding himself. I hope he forgives me for my anger. I hope he understands why all of the situation bothered me so much. I hope he still thinks fondly of me. I hope he finds happiness.

I don’t think we would be able to have a friendship. I don’t think either of us would be able to separate from our past to have a dynamic going forward. Or maybe it is simply I who would have the problem. Maybe that is why I cannot reach out on my own to get the answers to my questions.

I have yet to figure out what to do in this regard. I am not ready to let go completely, and I’m sorry I’m not. I’m sorry we hurt each other and that those wounds haven’t healed fully for me.

Zane. He’s new in the fabric of my life, and yet we mesh so well it seems like he’s always been there. His unbiased and detached nature makes me feel open and safe with him. There are emotions involved, and yet we recognizes that it is for the here and now, however long that may be.

There’s not the pressure of forever. There’s not the pressure of being the one and only. There’s not the burden of being perfect. There are all of these things that aren’t present and it is freeing for me.

I can be myself. I can focus on me. I can go about my day as I please. I choose to be present. Maybe it is reverse psychology, but because I have the choice of what I do, I am more willing to give.

I feel he is helping me heal in ways that I couldn’t on my own, and I am grateful for that. I appreciate his time, I appreciate when he offers to do things for me. I am becoming aware of when I pull away from people and when I shut down. I am learning how to communicate through my fear.

We may not last. Our paths may diverge and I accept that. He gives me a connection to the here and now. To Florida. He gives me the companionship and affection I was withering without. And for that I am grateful. I am happy for what I have with him.

I don’t think there is much more to say for this dynamic. It will continue to grow and evolve and develop, and wherever it goes is where it is meant to be.

Brad. You’re new, too. The newest. Only a handful of days but you’re inside my brain. We are able to connect on a deep spiritual level and I find that fascinating. In so many ways you are like Zane, and yet not.

I have my Earth with Zane. My groundedness, my connection. With you I feel like I have Fire. I do not like comparing companions. Everyone is different, unique. Everyone has their own story, and I am enjoying listening to yours. I’m enjoying sharing mine. I am enjoying conversing with you, and there is a part of me that is glad you live just far enough away that we haven’t met in person yet. I like how even though there is an attraction that it is still just a mental connection so far.

I feel this is at the very least a friendship that will stand the test of time. As silly as it may sound I know you understand. INFJ meet INFP. Our thought processes are so similar, and we both have the NiFe that is so misunderstood by the other 97% of the population. I know I don’t have to worry about sounding crazy when I talk about vibes or energies, or how my intuition has never led me wrong.

You are already a confidant simply because of that intuition. You are part of my clan, my inner circle. Sorry, not sorry. : p

Thank you for your trust and understanding. Thank you for giving me your acceptance so readily. I look forward to where our conversations go, and no matter where that ends up, know that I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish you peace and a full life.

Ari. I hope we can move past where we are. I hope one day I can feel comfortable being alone with you again. I hope one day that I will be able to explain why I am uncomfortable around you right now and why I don’t want to hang out or go on dates and outings. Why I avoid them and always seem to have an excuse.

I feel I am not being fair to you. You say our friendship matters more than your desire for a relationship, but I don’t feel that from our interactions. I don’t feel that from your energy. I still feel as if you need to focus on you rather than external forces.

I feel you are where I used to be. You need to heal. You need to love yourself and until that happens you will always find your interactions lacking. They will always fall short of fulfilling you because true happiness can only come from yourself.

I will always love you and as with everyone else, I will only wish the best for you. I cannot give you want you are seeking. Only you can do that, and until you accept that I feel the need to distance myself from you. You must learn to stand on your own, and when you do you will be a force, a light that will shine so brightly, so radiantly. I look forward to seeing that day.

Health

I have touched on this mildly already with my concerns about faith.

Due to my schedule with work this coming month I have decided to cancel my dojo membership. I am saddened to feel this is the best choice, but I cannot justify $95 when I will never be able to go to the classes; when I cannot train.

I have not given up on aikido or taekwondo. I plan to return. I feel it is something I am meant to do at my core. I still want to teach aikido as my long-term goal, my calling. A peaceful warrior.

Because I budget $95 for my dojo fees I plan to transfer this money into the gym since I will be more readily able to go there. I will look into having a personal trainer for this coming month. I will continue to be diligent in my running and becoming more comfortable in the new gym.

I feel this lines up with my health goals, and would be a good investment of the unused membership money.

If it does not work out that I can afford a trainer I will then instead use the money to continue paying down the Bank of America card so I can be done with that task faster.

Until I talk to a trainer at the gym this is the best I can do. Creating a battle plan and a back up plan. We will see what happens.

As far as food and returning to eating clean, Zane is supportive, which will make it easier. We already have returned to meal planning. The only thing to do further with this is to continue on the path.

We choose healthy meals, we have healthy snacks. With the move over and the return to a ‘normal’ schedule the need / desire to eat out is less. While I am used to cooking all of my meals it is working well to share the task of cooking with the other members of the apartment. It is not a task that I need to worry about. I can cook on days where it is convenient for me to do so, and the other days the task is delegated to someone else who can more easily handle the responsibility.

We’re a family of sorts, and we help each other. It is a feeling that I had when I lived with Mother Earth, and I am glad to have found it again. I am glad that one of my biggest concerns, food, is no longer something that requires so much of my focus.

As I said, I feel I am back on the path I was on in this regard. All that’s left is to keep moving forward.

School, Work, and the Burn Out of Both

Why am I not motivated to do my school work?

Honestly, because I’m burnt out. With school, and with work, and that’s slowly bleeding over into life.

This past month wasn’t fun. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It was hard going to sleep around 3am, when I naturally become tired, only to wake up at 4:30 for work. I am not a morning person. I’m not going to pretend or try to be anymore.

It didn’t work, and it won’t work next time. I spent all month feeling tired and drained, unmotivated to do the things I needed or wanted to do because the need for sleep outweighed everything else.

I’m tired of being placed in labs where I am not competent. Aiding Shading and Lighting was supposed to be temporary. All of us as lab specialist keep being promised that things will get better, but it has been a year, longer I believe, and nothing has changed.

I’m not ok with this.

I do not feel fulfilled with my work and that is bleeding into everything else. I am unsatisfied and instead of doing anything about it I have gone month to month letting this burn out continue.

I constantly write how if people do not like where they are at they should take action to change it.

I used to love my job. I want to love it again. I want to look forward to going to work as I once did. But that doesn’t change the fact that currently I don’t love it. That currently I do feel like I am wasting my life being unhappy. I do not feel my job is worthwhile any more and that bothers me because it has nothing to do with the students.

I feel unvalued as an employee. My complaints go unaddressed, the small things which could make the environment better get denied. Employe appreciation events are canceled.

So far nothing I have done on my own has eased over these negative feelings. Each month I have to compromise or give something up for my job. Each month I sacrifice to something that gives nothing in return. Each month is another month where I care a little less. Give a little less.

No more.

I should follow the advice I give. If life is too short to spend being unhappy, then I should change my situation so that I am living by the values and morals I honor.

I will be talking with Clavan to see if there are changes that can be made. I have a few ideas to discuss with him. If nothing can be done to help me feel more fulfilled then I will give myself three months to find another avenue which might correct this imbalance.

Three months to find a new job.

That is my deal with myself. Try to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, then move on.

The degree, the schooling, isn’t worth being miserable for. If I really wanted to I could teach myself the skills I am learning. In some ways I wonder if that would be easier. I wouldn’t have the stress of a job I don’t like which is where all of my demotivation is coming from.

It’s not that I don’t want to do the assignment, that’s that I’m having to put so much effort into combating my burn out that I have nothing left to give to school. And that’s on top of struggling with feeling like a competent artist.

I can’t build my self esteem when I have no energy to work with. When my reservers are already depleted.

The first step is to talk to Clavan. From there I will know what is possible. But having talked to Zane I see now that my work environment is a negative influence in my life at the moment; one that needs to be addressed and changed, one way or another.

Conclusion

There are a lot of things I am addressing at the moment. Writing about them has helped. I’m done with feeling stagnant. I’m done with feeling trapped and as if I’m in a rut. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing to change the things that bother me.

I will change the things I can, and let go of the things I can’t.

Ever forward.

Daily Post 0134: It’s Finally, Actually, Saturday

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I want to take a second to finish off Friday before really starting my day. Not that a lot happened, but I feel it needs a bit more closure than what I gave it.

After finishing my last post I spent a bit more time with Zane. We had dinner together, leftovers from lunch that we had brought home, before he went to work. We spent that time watching a bit more of DBZ Abridged.

I suppose I should mention that I’ve never liked Dragonball, or Dragonball Z, or any part of that franchise. It just never appealed to me. So by proxy I never had any motivation to watch the Abridged series.

When Zane made a reference to something in Abridged that I didn’t get yesterday it garnered an, “Oh my god! You’ve seriously never seen it?”

It’s a common reaction from other people in my life. I’m not one for movies or shows, so when references are made to them they typically go over my head. Then there’s the whole having to justify why I don’t watch / haven’t watched / am not going to watch whatever it is being talked about. This instance was no exception.

The only difference here was I made a deal with Zane. The episodes were supposed to be super short; roughly 10 minutes long. The show is also a parody making fun of everything I disliked about the original shows.

We agreed that I would give it 1 to 3 episodes. I would try it out, and if I didn’t like it we wouldn’t have to watch it. We would find something else we both could enjoy.

So I tried it, and yeah… it’s a train wreck that just keeps going.

One of my favorite parts so far is this:

Goku: Hey Piccilo. Mind if I ask you something?
Piccolo: What is it?
Goku: You’re not human either, right?
Piccolo: Yeah…
Guku: And your dad spit you out as an egg, right?
Piccolo: What about it?
Goku: Are… Are you a Yoshi?
Piccolo: …Yes Goku… I’m a green f#cking dinosaur…
Goku: Can… Can I ride you?

I thought I would die. It’s full of stupid stuff like that. XD

I stayed up for a bit after Zane left, but eventually went to sleep, and stayed asleep until roughly 3am. I’m not sure what woke me up. It was one of those, “I woke up for a reason,” wake ups, but both the cats were quiet, no one was awake in the apartment, Zane wasn’t back yet… There was really no reason for me to have woken up. I stayed in bed, listening, and eventually went back to sleep.

I woke up again when Zane came home. We were talking, but I wasn’t fully awake in the beginning, so I don’t remember what it was about. I remember things more clearly as the conversation kept going.

He said he was awake, and going to go watch TV in the living room while smoking a bowl of hookah and asked if I wanted to join. I said I would, and somehow we got to talking about school.

He asked why I was willingly failing a class. What was it that made me not want to do the work?

That brought up a metric fuck ton a lot of icky feelings. I started shutting down. I could feel my walls going up, and I said that I didn’t want to talk about it, at least not yet. Zane didn’t push the subject and said he was going to go out to the living room. We could talk about it later. If I still wanted to join him I was welcome to.

I stayed in the room for a while, trying to figure out why I had such a negative reaction to a pretty harmless question. I wrote about it a few days ago. I’ve been writing a lot about it recently. I shouldn’t be feeling so hurt and vulnerable when asked about my choices. So why am I still so unsettled? Why did being asked about school make be feel cold and like I was a failure?

I didn’t like that I had closed off to Zane. I didn’t like that I had this aversion to talking about something important with him. I ended up going out to the living room and sat for a little bit in silence. I leaned against his shoulder while he watched a Youtube video called Cracked. It was about free choice, and it actually had a pretty good argument against it. Go go nerdy science stuff.

He didn’t press me to talk, and I was still working up inside of my head to say something. I was content to sit next to him with my head leaning against his shoulder until that happened, and I guess he was content to let me sit there thinking.

I eventually got up to make the tuna that was supposed to be made two days ago. The eggs were boiled so the time consuming part was done. We both had half a sandwich. I unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the few dishes in the sink. We talked about what we wanted for meals next week and other items we would need to pick up from the store, like batteries for the xBox controllers, so the grocery list is mostly done.

We did normal things that made me relax and breathe through the worry about bring up uncomfortable subjects. Life still goes on, we’re still ok, and things are still normal.

Zane eventually asked if I was ok. And of course I said yes.

Zane: I’m going to keep asking that until I believe you. You know that, right?

/sigh

I said I knew that. I ended up talking about school, and work, and he let me talk. We were back on the couch. I was sitting near him, but not really cuddling against him like I had been. I was close enough to feel his comfort, but far enough away to have the distance I needed to think.

He didn’t interrupt me, or add any comments until I was talked out. And from there we analyzed what was going on, where things were stemming from, etc. That’s going to be in my Musing Post which I still haven’t gotten around to doing yet.

I’m glad that I hadn’t written it yet, though. I’m glad I talked it out with someone first, actually. I think it made me really be honest rather than glossing over things I didn’t want to address.

Anyway, after all of that we broached the subject of quality time. It’s one of the things that has been nagging at me. My two primary love languages are physical touch and quality time.

Zane counts watching shows together as quality time. We’re on the couch cuddling normally. We talk about the plot line in-between the commercials. For him that’s being engaged together.

And to a certain point it is for me, too, but I don’t get a much from it as he does. I would rather us be doing something. I would rather get lunch together, like we did yesterday, or clean the room together, have deep conversations.

I don’t know. There’s still a part of me who feels that watching TV is a waste of time. There’s so many other things I need / aught / should / could be doing. Productive things. Never ending to-do list things.

Normally, when I watched TV with I lived with Joshua, I would sit and listen to the show while cross stitching, rather than truly ‘watching’ it. But Zane doesn’t feel connected when I do that. For him that’s not quality time. I’m doing my own thing and not really paying attention to what’s going on. So I haven’t been stitching while we’re doing the TV thing.

Lately I’ve felt like while he’s getting the type of quality time he wants, I haven’t been getting the type of quality time I want. And I suppose that isn’t exactly what I want to say since we still do things together. I suppose it’s more that it feels very one sided to me since I feel we watch TV all the time; every day, but because of our schedules we aren’t able to ‘do’ things together very often.

We talked about our different views. I asked if we could start listening to audio books together. Zane said sure, and asked if I had anything specific in mind. I mentioned the Game of Thrones books.

I actually have hardback copies of the novels that I had planned to donate. Both Trevor and Zane thought I was crazy for that since they could be sold for a fair amount of money. That seemed like more effort than it was worth, and Zane wanted to keep the books to read anyway, so I shrugged and basically said whatever. He can keep the books on his shelf and it wouldn’t affect me in any way.

When he asked what book I would be interested in listening to I suggested the first book in the series. He’s already read it, but I haven’t, so I thought we could listen to the first one and then continue the series together.

He was interested in the idea, and said he didn’t mind starting from the beginning with me. So I think we’re going to try to add that into our days. Maybe not everyday, but I’m ok with that. It will give us something to do away from the computer / TV. It will let me cross stitch while we’re still doing something together, hopefully. We haven’t tested it out yet, so it might not work for us. But I feel good that we were able to talk about it and brainstorm different options.

Once all of that was talked about I was exhausted again, in a good way though. I felt lighter and more at peace. I kissed Zane goodnight and went back to bed. By then it was around 5am, with my alarm being set for 7:30.

Zane came to bed around 7. When my alarm went off he offered to get up and cook breakfast for me. I was speechless for a bit as my brain processed this.

I said that he didn’t have to do that, but if he did I would be ridiculously grateful. He said that he was hungry, was awake, and would cook for us while I showered.

<3

I have no words.

When I got out of the shower I was surprised with half an apple, two stripes of bacon, an over easy egg, a piece of toast and a small serving of homemade hash browns.

<3<3<3<3

I made my coffee and stood in the kitchen eating my fabulous breakfast while Zane cooked his food. I had been planning on skipping breakfast in favor of staying in bed. Instead I had an amazing meal while we discussed what the day held for each of us.

Once I was done eating I went into the bedroom to get ready for work. I even had a few minutes to sit and write out my to-do list for the day. When I was ready to leave we hugged and kissed goodbye and I headed off to work, which is where I am currently at.

I feel rested since I got so much sleep. I feel like my day is off to an amazing start because Zane and I were able to have time together rather than a groggy, half slurred, “See you later,” like how most of our mornings have been this month. Most of that is due to our schedules being polar opposites, and not something that either of us can really help, but I think it’s part of why the quality time thing started to bother me.

I feel better because I have a game plan for the few things that were giving me a bit of discord, and because I was open about those issues instead of harboring the negativity away.

I feel good. I still need to take care of some things. There’s still a few battles to fight. But I feel prepared for them.