Keeping the Hearth Lit

Today is my birthday, and I’m sharing something personal.

I want to be fully transparent.

I’m not doing great right now.

I have been out of work since July 31st. I have had seizure-like episodes that we’re still trying to resolve. I have been unable to secure SSDI due to our broken systems and long delays. SNAP benefits were also delayed due to the government shutdown.

While I am on stage four of the interview process with an incredible opportunity, hope and momentum don’t pay bills.

Here’s where things stand:
$1,000 past-due credit card payment
$300 past-due for my skin cancer loan payment
$200 past-due car payment
$150 past-due storage unit payment (contains my mom’s China hutch)
$130 upcoming car insurance payment
$45 upcoming phone bill
$20 upcoming for ChatGPT (a tool I use daily to research, plan, and move Hearthlight forward)
$40 for gas to get to therapy and medical appointments
$15 upcoming Spotify (music is how I cope)

Totaling: $1900

For my birthday – and for Christmas – I am asking for help.

No shame. Just honesty.

I can’t donate plasma due to my cancer history. I am actively job hunting and interviewing. I am going as fast as I can with government assistance.

I am doing everything I can with the tools and capacity I have.

If you have even $5 to spare and would like to give me a real, tangible gift this year, I’ve set up a way to help keep my life – and my work – afloat:

Hearthlight Studios
https://gofund.me/5197626a7

If you can’t contribute financially, please know this with absolute sincerity: There is no disappointment. No resentment, no hurt. Life is hard. Sometimes it’s brutal. Birthday wishes and kind words –are– enough.

This isn’t a plea. This isn’t begging.

It’s me telling the truth and offering a way to help – if you want to. No pressure. No obligation. No expectations.

Just one human, speaking truth into the void, and seeing if it echoes kindness back.

I love you.
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you for helping me reach a place where I’m truly grateful to be alive for another birthday.

I wouldn’t be here without you. <3

Daily Post 005: Prescription Refill

Today is the first time in ages where I have woken up and felt awake. I’m not deathly tired. I didn’t go back to sleep after haphazardly stumbling to use the restroom. It’s such a weird feeling… feeling rested… that I don’t really know what to do… so here I am, sitting in front of my computer, trying to figure it out.

I think there’s a lot that factors into this “rested” feeling. The main one, I think, is medication related.

About three weeks ago I ran out of my Zoloft. I didn’t think much of it. I would get around to refilling the prescription “eventually”. I had stopped taking it before when I was on 25mg and I didn’t notice any side effects so I would be alright…

Wrong.

So hardcore wrong. Omg. >.<;

My dose was increased to 50mg towards the end of last year. My doctor increased it due to my suicidal feelings during nursing school. So queue up discontinuation syndrome about three days after being off of said medication. God, it sucked so hardcore. Mood swings, insomnia, fatigue, depersonalization… which I didn’t know actually had a term.

That feeling where you know you’re not yourself… but you are… but you aren’t… None of the thoughts you are having are really yours, but you’re the only one inside your head so they must be your thoughts… your actions… your feelings… That feeling of having your body hijacked but you’re the one doing the hijacking so how do you stop it or change it?

That feeling where dreams seem halfway real and reality seems halfway fake. You know you’re awake but your skin feels different. Everything is sort of soft, cloudy, hazy… You’re detached and you know you are but you can’t find your way back…

I spent over a week feeling like that. Like I would never be myself again. That these feelings were the rest of my life.

I got the prescription refilled. Making that phone call left me exhausted. Picking up the phone, finding the number, talking to someone and explaining that was going on… I wanted to cry I was so tired.

The next day I picked up the prescription. I then had to wait another week before the meds starting to build up in my system again. Each day got progresively better. I started being able to sleep at night. I started having focus at work again. I started feeling like reality was actually real.

Each day I have felt myself become more balanced. I get closer to being the me I remember being… the me I want to be. The me who has drive and disciple to do things. The me who doesn’t get exhausted by putting laundry away or making a phone call.

I do think a major factor of this past month being hard is the whole med issue. I’ve been more diligent with my Synthroid which continues to be something I struggle with. I finally set up an appointment with my endocrinologist. I have a blood draw tomorrow after work. My appointment with the doctor is next Wednesday. We’ll see if the increase that was made towards the end of last year was/is enough for my blood levels.

Yeah… I was supposed to meet with her in January and never did… There’s a lot of things that I haven’t been doing or have been pushing off. It’s been easier to not do them. Easier to stay inside, away from people, sleeping through the hard and the hurt of winter and mom’s death.

Mom’s fifth death day has come and gone. There’s a whole story behind that. I still haven’t gotten mom her flower. I don’t feel as bad about that as I thought I would. I think a lot of that has to do with Jon and I going out together on the day of her death. We went to Red Lobster, on of her favorite places. We drank and ate and shared stories back and forth. Memories. Emotions. Fears. We laughed. We had tears stinging our eyes. We remembered her together, shared in her memory together, and I think that would have made mom happy. Happier than me buying a flower to mark another year I have survived without her.

I will still get her flower. It’s still important to me. But I think where ever mom is, she knows that it’s ok to be a little late because what ended up happening instead was so much better than what I could have hoped for.

I haven’t been to the gym in a while. I have a membership to the YMCA again. The constant tiredness and consistent depression/apathy has kept me from actually going and doing anything. When I think about packing up my stuff, or changing, or driving, or scanning my card… I feel drained. I feel crushed beneath all of the steps it would take to actually get there, let alone actually working out.

I’ve continued to not eat the best because it’s so much easier to have a cookie or chips than it is to make a meal. But all of that is slowly starting to turn around. I feel like I can go to the gym today. I want to go to the gym today. I want to bike and listen to music. I want to push past all of the anxiety of “what if I’m not good enough?” I know I’m good enough. I know in a week, in two weeks, I’ll be so much better endurance-wise than I am in this current moment. I’ll feel better about myself. I’ll have an outlet for the stress and frustration of work.

Going will help me in so many ways, and while I haven’t done it, haven’t wanted to do it… today is different.

Part of me is scared of the difference. I’ve been… “not me” for so long that I don’t really know what to do. How do I function in the now? How do I function today with these weird feelings of productivity and energy?

And a guess a big part of my problem has always been this aching and longing to be “the old me”. The me before mom died. I know I wrote about it before. About how I need to accept the me I am now. That I can’t go back to who I was before mom died. Too much has happened. Too much has changed. The old me can still be valued and cherished, but I can’t keep expecting myself to be something I no longer am.

I’m not 27 any more. And that’s ok.

So I think that’s going to be my internal project going forward. Accepting the me of today. Not the me who went to the dojo six days a week for 1-3 hours each time. No the me who was unemployeed for a year. Not the me who was a teacher. I want to be ok with the me of today. I want to go forward with current me rather than constantly pining for someone who doesn’t exist anymore.

I am worthy. I have value. I can and will do amazing things. Starting with a to-do list. After writing I’m going to open up my Clever Fox notebook and I’m going to figure out a handful of things. And then I’m going to go to the gym and bike in front of the windows where I can see the sunny day while I listen to music. And then Ox and I will have lunch and get some of the things we need to finish up “Project-Remodel the Bedroom”.

Today is my only day off from work this week. I’ve picked up a lot of extra days recently. I’m sure that feeds into the burnout and compassion fatigue. The depression and “anti-people” feelings. After this week I don’t have extra days. After this week I get to spend a week with my dad because he’s coming to visit. I get to have my three days off in a row where I can make progress on projects and the house and myself.

I think after this week it will be nice and I’m going to start with today because finally, for the first time since starting nursing school, I feel like I can.

Daily Post 004: School and Storytime

Wooo! Writing twice in one week! Two in a row actually. That should be an achievement in itself.

Quick recap before getting into more “life” stories since I do have a stash of some pretty good ones… ones without graphic pictures of near-death experiences due to cats…

Not a whole lot to report for yesterday. I did laundry. I meal prepped. That’s another thing that should be listed as an accomplishment. I haven’t been prepping meals or grocery shopping like I used to. I’ve been haphazardly eeking by for so long that anything even halfway resembling my previous routines is celebrated as a win inside my head.

So yeah, there’s that. I put clothes away. Still waiting for the drawer organizers to come via Amazon. Looking forward to those and forcing organization back into my life. I talked to a coworker for a while. I organized the bathroom drawers where I keep all my morning stuff. Still not 100% happy with them, but they’re better than they were.

Mama Ox cleared off a shelf for me in the kitchen last night. That might be factoring into my whole “lack of routine” mood. For the longest time I didn’t have a place to keep anything. Maybe with having a spot where I belong in the kitchen that will change.

I did go through my notebooks yesterday. I haven’t been the best about making to-do lists but out of everything, that’s probably the one thing I’m most consistent with other than meds.

I registered for my summer class. That took some back and forth with my dean since the class I needed wasn’t showing up for me. It was nice to “talk” to her. It’s been almost four months since I’ve had any interaction with the nursing staff. I had another email this morning from her with the contact information for my Nursing Lab 2 instructor. I plan to reach out and introduce myself since she’s one of the few people I haven’t met in person yet.

I also found out I can register for fall classes already so I intend to do that at some point. Maybe today. Today is going better than it was this morning.

There was a lot of sexy time yesterday with Ox. Not going to lie, I was totally ok with all of it. I don’t think it was so much the sex that I needed or wanted. It was the intimacy. The closeness. The touching. The warmth. The moments of life not mattering and to-do lists not existing and levels of productivity not being met.

For a few hours, none of that mattered. It was just me and him and that was really nice. Connective. Stress-relieving.

I did read him my writing. That’s something I like and sometimes dislike about our relationship. He lets me read my writings to him. It’s how he can know what’s going on in my head. What I’m feeling. What I can’t communicate sometimes when we’re trying to have a conversation because I still don’t know what I think or feel yet.

It also means he knows about the times like last week, where he said my name. He sees me cry as I read out loud how I felt and why I felt that way. And so, just like that particular writing, yesterday he heard all about my connective experience with Jon and I realized how it must have made him feel like a third wheel.

Here Ox is, super supportive, stood with me through cancer, let’s me cry, and never once said “no” to anything I wanted to do with the bedroom. Yet here I am, talking Jon up like he’s the only support person I have in my life who understands me or cares… It left me feeling sort of shitty to be honest. It gave me some things to think about at the very least. I’m still thinking through them.

So… that was yesterday. No trip to the gym. No breakfast with my brother since we did lunch on Tuesday. No crazy day of crushing my lists. But it was a good day overall and in the frail emotional state I find myself in most days recently, I take comfort in knowing that I was able to have two good days in a row. I got stuff done and while it might not have been everything, “some things” is more than the “nothing” it could have been.

Today hasn’t been a total wash either which is comforting. I woke up at 8:30 which is late for me. I didn’t do a whole lot. Had part of a protein bar, talked to Ox, curled back up in bed…

It wasn’t until around 10:30 that I started actually “doing” anything. Jon had messaged me asking to take his dog out. I guess he had been running late and didn’t get a chance to do it before he had to go to work. Since I was literally still in bed I didn’t have a reason not to agree to help him out.

Ox called when he was off work. We agreed to meet at the diner I really like for lunch. That forced me to get out of bed finally. I drove to meet him and we had an enjoyable meal together. I don’t know why I love their omelets and hash browns so much. Maybe because it’s the closest thing I can get to Waffle House here in Nebraska.

We went to Costco afterward to get gas. That was the last “work prep” task I had on my list. Making sure I didn’t have to wake up super early in the morning to fill up before driving to work.

Nope. Here I am with clean clothes, food for lunches, and a full tank of gas.

Irrational Right Brain: Bring on the work week!

We stopped at Walmart after filling up. Ox wanted to look at mounting brackets for a hard drive. We also wanted to take a look at some bedding stuff and totes for winter clothing.

The mounting bracket was a bust as was the bedding. But we did get the totes so I can take care of some of the remaining piles in the room. That will feel nice when I get around to it.

I stopped at the apartment to take care of the dog. Since Jon wasn’t home and everyone else was at work, the apartment was extremely quiet. I ended up staying there for a while, napping, soaking in the solitude. I hadn’t realized how much I missed silence and the lack of energy around me until I curled up on my memory foam couch under my weighted blanket and just breathed.

I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to do. I didn’t have to worry or process or any of the stuff I feel like I have to constantly do. It was one of the best naps I’ve had in a while.

After waking up I came back to the house and so here I am. Writing. I feel ready to pack away the winter stuff. I feel able to register for those final classes. It’s odd how a little bit of alone time can completely change my mindset and mood, but there we are.

There’s still a few hours left in the day. It’s sunny outside and the wind it’s horrifically cold. I still have time to write a list and take care of a few things before enjoying an evening of cross-stitching and I’m looking forward to all of it. The productivity and the relaxation. I’m even looking forward to going back to work which is something I forgot I could do.

Alright. Now that “catch-up” is done, on to storytime.

Early on in the renovation process, Ox and I decided that we were going to tear out the ceiling. The room had a drop-down ceiling for whatever reason. Neither of us liked it. So since we were working on the room anyway, we decided we would take the extra time to get rid of it and make the room more like what we wanted it to be.

Well… come to find out while the addition was being built, someone stepped through the ceiling, so there was a giant hole no one knew about in the southeast corner of the ceiling… Well… there was no going back with the drop-down ceiling at that point, so it became an issue of, “How do we want to fix this?”

We tabled that issue for a bit as we continued removing tiles from the ceiling. When we got to the northeast corner we started finding Reese wrappers… in the ceiling…

Ox looked short of sheepish as he explained when he was younger he and his brothers used to have a bunk bed in that area, and his bed was the top bunk. The wrapper most likely was hidden in the ceiling after he had snuck candy from his parents.

I gave him points for being creative in hiding the evidence. XD

So… with all of the tiles and supportive framing removed, all that was left of the drop-down ceiling was the metal supports lining the walls. They were being held in place with screws.

Irrational Right Brain: I can totally take screws out and be helpful! Woo! Something I’m not terrified of fucking up!
Universe: Hold my beer.

Things were going well. I had taken the east wall supports down, most of the south wall, and was beginning to work on the north wall. I got about three screws in. Everything’s going fine. Got to the fourth screw. Began to take it out… and the power to the house goes out.

Irrational Right Brain: Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!

Ox had been out of the room while this was going on. He came back in calling out, “What did you do?”

Me: I did what you told me to do!

We got the power turned back on by flipping some of the breakers. Ox had me get back on the ladder to show him EXACTLY what I had been doing when the power went out. As I started trying to remove the screw I could see sparks inside the wall.

At that point, Ox took over. We got the screw out and removed the drywall around the area in question. Wouldn’t you know… thirty years ago when Ox’s dad had been building the room, he put a screw directly through the electrical wiring and into a stud…

Yeah… THIRTY YEARS… and the house never caught on fire… So now whenever I have to use a power tool I give Ox shit about knocking the power to the house out or being “set up for failure” from thirty years in the past.

We were able to fix up the ceiling and we corrected the electrical issue. I have way more respect for people in those home improvement/remodeling shows. This endeavor was no joke. It did make for some good stories though, and even though there were moments of frustration between Ox and myself, I think we worked pretty well together as a team.

Daily Post 003: Update with Battle Scars

I’m glad to say that this post “shouldn’t” be super emo or depressing.

Work hasn’t been bad. Monday started off rough. There was an issue with the water room. I had to call the on-call bio-med at 4:30 in the morning. That’s never a fun way to start the day…

We got the issue figured out but we were 30 minutes late starting treatments. The patients were super understanding which helped the day not be a complete disaster.

There was an issue with the thermostat as well… Because why would there only be one issue to deal with on a Monday morning? -_-;

I called my FA later in the morning. I explained the issue with the water room and what I thought was going on with the thermostats. Four of them were reading at -42 and two others weren’t registering anything. I found the number for the technician who had done work at our clinic a few weeks ago. I told him what was going on; how it was 98.1 degrees in the water room and even the patients were complaining about it being uncomfortably warm on the treatment floor.

Long story short… he had to drive 12 hours from Ohio back to our clinic to fix the issue. That was not what I had been hoping when I called him. I had hoped it was a simple, “Try flipping this breaker,” or “Hit this hidden reset button.” But alas, it was not something simple that I could correct on my own.

My teammate reported that the temperatures at the clinic were much better yesterday, so, with luck, there won’t be further issues with anything for a while.

Yesterday I had lunch with my brother and a teammate I haven’t seen in almost a year. It was a fantastic outing. We went to a Mexican restaurant. We all had a drink and chatted about what’s been going on with the region and with our personal lives. It was extremely connective and I’m glad I went even though I had been thinking of ditching due to tiredness.

The house is coming along. I haven’t gotten anything done in regards to the addition, but I’m ok with that. Instead, Ox and I set up my new computer desk. Yesterday I spent the morning setting up my computer and doing cable management. We’re still in the process of sorting things out in the room but it’s coming together nicely.

We got the bed frame set up last week. We got a new mattress, too. It’s a hybrid mattress so there are springs, but there’s a layer of memory foam on top of them. I have my three-inch foam mattress topper on it, too, along with my army of pillows. Muahahahahaha!

The only thing missing is my weighted blanket which is still at the apartment.

I’ve been sleeping better since we got the new mattress. I don’t wake up as often during the night. I don’t have back pain when I get out of bed. My arms aren’t numb either. I feel rested and ready for my day when I wake up. It’s a weird feeling after waking up feeling crappy for so long.

The mini-dresses are working well so far. I ordered drawer organizers which should be here Friday. If they work the way I’m hoping they do then I can fully scratch that part of “project-bedroom” off the list.

I ordered a few things to utilize my locker at work, too. It will give me more vertical space along with some drawer space so I can keep more things at work. I’m hoping that makes work “feel” better. It’s been nearly three years since I started working at this clinic. I don’t know why I haven’t done this sooner. Maybe I’ll even put pictures on the outside so it’s not so bland and boring. It’s my tiny little section in the clinic. I want it to feel like mine.

I registered for Nursing Lab 2 today. The summer semester starts towards the end of May. I’ll only have to go to campus once a week on Thursdays for roughly three hours. I’m actually looking forward to being back in school and seeing my instructors again. I won’t know any of the students, but I’m ok with that. I know I can make it through the class without them.

I’m not sure if that came out the way I wanted it to…

I’ve been with two other groups of students so far. There’s my original class; the one I started with before I was diagnosed with cancer. Then there’s the group I was with last semester while I was doing the LPNS program full-time. In both instances, I didn’t pass my classes because of the people I was with. While I made “friends” in both groups, I didn’t do study sessions or really hangout with anyone.

The group I’m with won’t make or break me I guess is what I’m getting at. I can adapt and adjust to being in a new group and so I’m not worried about not knowing anyone. I’ll know my instructors and those are the people I truly connect and interact with. They’re the people I’m looking forward to seeing again.

I’m looking forward to it being summer as well. The past two days have been sunny, but super windy and cold. While that’s frustrating, I’m grateful there’s at least sunlight. The grass is started to turn green again and the trees are budding. It won’t be cold for forever. I just have to hold out a little longer.

Let’s see… what else…

Jon’s birthday was this past Saturday. I worked but once I was done with the day I spent the evening with him. I got him a Ninja Foodi for his birthday along with wings and ribs for dinner. I let him keep the leftovers so he didn’t have to worry about food for a few days. We spent the whole time chatting about pretty much everything. We had light conversation about random nerdy stuff along with deep conversation where he asked, “So how are you doing really?”

I answered honestly. I’m not really sure how I’m doing. Mom’s deathday is coming up which sucks. I hurt. I told him about the experience with Ox and him saying my name. I talked about how weird, “random” things trigger my grief and I don’t know what to do other than breathing through the pain and to try being my friend. I try really hard to not give myself shit for hurting or being sad but sometimes that’s hard to do. My logical brain is good at throwing “shoulds” at me. I should be doing this or I shouldn’t be feeling that.

I’m human and some days, some moments, are better than others. My moments with Jon, on his birthday and during lunch were really nice. I can remember what we were doing at the hospital on all of these days. I can remember stringing the letters together for Jon’s birthday and hanging them in mom’s room across from her hospital bed. I can remember screaming in the car as I drove from the hospital every morning because that was the only thing keeping me sane and grounded when I was around other people or talking to the doctors.

This year wasn’t that year. This year was different where I had the money to get Jon a gift he wouldn’t have bought for himself because it was expensive. He and I have worked through so many issues from our past and through the past four years. We’ve worked on our relationship to the point where we can sit together and talk about silly things and D&D jokes along with the hard, painful things like triggers and how the thought of giving up is always at the edge of our consciousness because missing mom sucks.

I don’t mean for that to sound emo or to steer this writing towards depressing topics. I guess, for me, I take comfort in having someone who understands what I feel. I have someone I can talk to about those feelings and because I can talk about them, they don’t sit inside my head eating away at my mind. I have someone who can give me a hug while kissing the top of my head and say, “I feel the suckage with you and we’ll both get through it.”

Having a hug like that, one where the pain is embraced rather than erased or covered up… One where I can hurt and cry and say, “I love you,” as if it’s my last chance to say it and have someone understand that I need to say it that way because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say it again… It helps. It helps to openly acknowledge those things about myself with someone, to someone, and to have it understood and acceptable.

Anywho… Since I haven’t written in forever I want to switch gears and write about some of the stories that have happened in my life. We’ll only do one for right now since this is already a pretty long post compared to the nothing I’ve written for months.

And I suppose we can start with the most random one of all… how Saber tried to kill me.

Before the room renovations, my old computer desk used to be set up in what was the closet of the bedroom. Above my desk, there was shelving which the cats could reach. Both Saber and Dagger had jumped into the space to explore and while I didn’t like them being in that area of the room… they’re cats and there’s no way I was going to be able to keep them from doing cat stuff.

Well… there was one morning where I was sitting at the computer while Ox was at work. I was playing World of Warcraft and totally not paying attention to anything going on around me. I heard some noise like rustling and the next thing I knew I had searing pain down my face and a very stunned cat in my lap.

Of course, I was stunned, too. I mean, what the fuck just happened?!?!?!

I checked Saber to make sure she was ok. Yeah, she seems fine. Not yelling in pain or anything. Just sort of dazed. I then press my shirt sleeve to my forehead. Yep… that’s blood. Fuck.

I pressed the sleeve to some other areas of my face that hurt. They all came back dark red. Super fuck… Of course, this would happen while both Ox’s kids are here, and I work in two days. No way anything is going to be remotely healed. But for the moment fuck that train of thought. I need to make it to the bathroom without freaking anyone out in case I pass out. I can see from both eyes still, so at least there’s that going for me…

I super ninja-like stealthed my way through the living room with blood trickling down my face. It helped that the kids were engrossed in their own computer games. I shut the bathroom door and looked at myself for the first time to see what the damage actually was.

Not going to lie… it was pretty impressive. At that point, I started feeling nauseous. I knew my time was limited. I took a washcloth and got it wet. I cleaned up as much of the scratch going down the center of my forehead as best I could. I could feel my blood pressure dropping. Not wanting to add a concussion to the list of injuries from the cat attack, I laid down on the bathroom floor. When I felt ok enough to try standing again, I did, and that’s how it went for a while. Clean as much as I could, lay down so I didn’t pass out. At some point, I wasn’t quite fast enough and I did pass out, but luckily I was already on the ground for that one.

Once I got the bleeding under control I got anti-bacterial ointment and made sure all of the scratches were covered in it. I had a pretty long and deep cut down the center of my forehead, a pretty nasty cut in the corner of my left eyelid, one on my nose, and a few smaller scratches on my cheek and lip.

All in all, it looked like I had gotten into a knife fight, but nooooo… here I was, Ms. Badass Muay Thai Jujitsu Chick and I was going to have to tell everyone that a cat fell on my face…

Fuuuuuck my life…

Why couldn’t it have been something awesome like a knife fight? ;-;

Once the cuts were clean, I went back to the room to lay down. I was still feeling pretty nauseous. Saber curled up next to me, purring and being super loving. I think she was still spooked from her fall. I took a picture of the two of us cuddling together and I swear, she looks super smug. Like, “Yeah. That’s right. I did that. Try me, bro.”

I sent a picture to my coworkers and brothers along with Ox so they would know the next time they saw me I would have some impressive battle scars. There were a lot of jokes tossed back and forth which helped me feel better about the situation.

Once I finally emerged from the room Ox’s parents were surprised about what happened. They had no idea anything was going on. Score one for me because that’s totally what I was going for.

Irrational Right Brain: Hey, guys! What’s up? Oh? These? Yeah… They’re just some new scratches… that I got on my face… from a cat…

The Friday I went back to work was “cat victim awareness day” as I had to explain repeatedly what had transpired. While my patients were worried about me, we’re able to laugh and joke about it now.

It makes for a funny story, but at the time it sucked. I was legit worried about Saber being injured and my eyesight being screwed. After that, I was worried about scarring. I kept up a regime of cleaning the scratches and applying the anti-bacterial ointment. Sadly I don’t have epic battle scars. All of the scratches have healed amazingly well.

With renovating the room, the selves which Saber fell from are no longer an issue. They came out during the “tear down all the walls” phase of the project.

Sort of graphic but here’s the picture I sent to every one of Saber’s smugness and her pawy-work. Please disregard the messed up hair… also… fur babies… I swear, I can’t make up half the shit that happens in my life. XD

Saber the Smug

Daily Post 001: Hello World, Hello Self

I feel like crap today. I have a headache that’s only now starting to go away. I don’t think I’m sick, though I’ve been congested the last few days… weeks really. It’s come and go. No covid symptoms, so at least there’s that.

It’s winter. It’s past the holiday season. I survived it. I had my cry session a few days ago where Ox held me while I cried into his shoulder about how much I miss mom and how I want her back.

I passed my first semester of nursing school. I did really well it in. I maintained a 4.0 until Thanksgiving break. I think my lowest class was an 85 or something. I don’t feel accomplished about it. I became suicidal twice during those four months. Academically it might have seemed like I was being successful, but internally I wasn’t.

I was able to switch back into the part-time program for the following semesters. Instead of graduating at the beginning of May, I will be graduating in December again; nearly two years later. That knowledge sucks, but it feels better than trying to make it through another four months of full-time work and full-time school.

I currently am not taking any classes for the next four months. No prerequisites. No “this class seems fun”. Nothing except work and trying to find myself again.

Maybe that’s what a lot of this comes down to. I’ve lost myself yet again. I allowed it to happen. I haven’t gone to the gym since the start of my program. Jon and I are having a talk on Sunday about if we want to renew the lease together because the living situation sort of sucks. Ox and I are doing well and I feel that has to do with having winter break from school and actually being able to spend time with him instead of studying 9 million hours a day.

I’ve started playing World of Warcraft again. It’s given me an outlet. It’s given me a community and tasks and focus on something other than the issues in my life. I know I’m using it as avoidance. I know I’m letting myself indulge in an addiction instead of doing laundry or being at the apartment or grocery shopping. There’s a part of me who cares about it; who thinks I should do something other than nothing. And yet, the injured part of me just wants to hide and not hurt.

I’m tired. Still. After nearly a month away from school, I’m still so tired of everything. I had wanted to grocery shop today while Ox was at work. Feeling like death vetoed that though and it sucks. I could have done all of this stuff yesterday, but I didn’t, and now it won’t get done and so I’m a slacker, a failure, and I hate these emotions. These thoughts.

They’re not true, but I have very little to show for myself other than a virtual game that means nothing.

I don’t even know if I can say I’m lost because being lost implies you had a direction you were going, a destination you were trying to reach.

I don’t want to graduate. I don’t want mom to be dead. I want her to be here. I want her to say “I love you”. “I’m proud of you.” “I believe in you.” Anything. I would give so much just to hear her say anything to me one more time. To have one more hug. One more hand squeeze. Anything. Anything to not feel so alone and pointless. Something to hold on to; to let me know it’s not pointless and it’s worth it to keep going day after day, year after year of this hurt and change and difference.

Financially things are going alright for once in my life. It’s nice to have that area fairly stable and not affecting things. Politically I think my government and a clusterfuck of a disastrous dumpster fire. I don’t waste much energy thinking about it or stressing over it. Working an essential job may factor into my mentality of not giving a fuck. Regardless of what happens, my patients are still going to require treatment. I’m still going to have to get up at 2 am on the days I work to set up the clinic. I can’t take time off work like other people to protest or be involved in movements. I voted and that’s all I have the capacity to do.

Work has been going alright. One of my patients died shortly after school started. It was extremely unexpected. I wrote a letter to him which I never posted. Maybe I will at some point. I guess it depends on if I actually post this writing. There was one other I started a while ago which I never finished. I haven’t wanted to write in so long. I haven’t had the time or energy. And even now, I don’t really know if it’s supposed to help with anything since I’m so out of touch with myself.

I guess I could start there. “Hello, Self. It’s been a very long time, hasn’t it? How are you?”

Not good.

Why, not good?

I don’t know. I really don’t know and figuring it out is going to hurt and make me cry and I don’t want to do it. I’ve been cancer-free for a year. This time last year I wasn’t able to lift a laundry basket because I had to trust a stranger to cut my throat open. I had a new scar that I had to get used to. I had a week with my dad where he came out and made sure I was ok. I had a sociology class I was taking as a way to get me out of the house and stay involved in society.

I had a birthday where mom wasn’t able to call me. I had a Christmas where I got a new computer chair and a new desk which I can’t set up because in four months I might be moving again, but I don’t know where yet. Still in Nebraska, but will I be able to afford a house? Do I have to stay in an apartment? Will it be in Lincoln, Hickman, or Beatrice? Am I going to have to pay a pet fee for the kittens? What’s Jon going to do? Is he going to think I abandoned him? Am I bitch of a sister?

There are all these things going on and all I want is for life to not be a fucking disaster.

I’ve made it this far. I’ve made it through five years without mom. I’ve made it a year past cancer. I can figure all of this out. I can. I know I can. I don’t want things to stay the way they are and instead of looking at everything all at once, I know I need to break it down into small things. Small tasks. One task. One chore. A small chore. A doable chore to prove to myself that one thing can get done. If one thing can get done then other things can get done, one small step at a time.

And so I’ve done my first step. I’ve written. I’ve said hello to myself for the first time in months. I’ve acknowledged that I’m not doing well along with some of the areas that need attention, mending, healing. I didn’t think the cancer thing was such a big deal, but I guess it is in the dark corners of my head.

I feel weak and tired and that’s ok. I’m allowed to feel those things. I’m allowed to feel hurt and sad and alone. I’m allowed to miss mom. Holidays are always hard. Winter is always hard. I will get through this hard, and while today maybe another day where I play a video game and merely eek by in life, eeking by, surviving, is the highest level of achievement. It means I can try again tomorrow to do “better” or “more”.

I’m at square one at the moment. Maybe not even there. Maybe it’s more of a “pre-square”. The square where you start brainstorming and making plans and getting organized. It’s a new year and there’s going to be a lot of change in the coming months. I’m allowed to start over. I’m allowed to throw out all of the plans and to-do lists that I’ve had in my notebooks and start a new one; one that’s relevant to what life is now, not what it was four months ago.

I guess that’s what this writing can be. It’s my start. It’s my “hello, world”. My return. To me. To life. To trying. To doing.

We’ll see what happens, I guess. I am glad I wrote. I feel more stable than I did at the beginning of it. I might still be laying face first on the ground, but at least it feels like there’s solid ground beneath me.

Daily Post 211: My Life…

Not proof-read
Also WordPress is being annoying
Sorry for formatting issues

Alright… so let’s delve into all of the shit that’s been happening in my life.

Firstly, I realized that for the past week or so I haven’t been making my to-do lists. That most likely is a contributing factor to the frazzled fire-fighting I feel has been my life recently. Today I am fixing that and it’s already off to a better start than previous days.

Secondly, covid-19. I’m sure everyone is tired of hearing about it. Reading about it. Dealing with it… Since it is impacting my life, sadly I must dedicate time to this topic in order to fully address what has been going on recently for me.

Covid-19 and work:

My company has been sending updates daily to measures, we as staff, need to implement in the care we provide to our patients. I support all of the changes in policy. I also recognize that in larger clinics, these changes are easier to implement. With only ever having two staff members present at our unit, some of these new changes are hard, if not impossible, to do the way the company wants us to do them.

I can’t be on the floor caring for my patients while at the same time, at the lobby door screening every incoming person to see if they have a temperature. Yesterday was a mild disaster of a day at work, and that was while my FA was present to help manage the new changes, post signs, and inform patients of the changes.

I don’t have much faith on Friday being better. I have to be screened before I return to work after my trip to Daytona as a precaution for me not to spread the virus to our patients. This brings me to my next topic…

Covid-19 and Project: Brother Relocation

Due to covid-19 my older brother will no longer be able to fly to Daytona to help Jon move. Not because he doesn’t want to do it. It’s because my sister-in-law is against the idea of my brother traveling and potentially bring the virus back home with him. Jason explained it was a losing battle.

I don’t think it’s fair that my sister-in-law is making him choose between home life and family. I understand her reasoning, but it’s hard to not have strong feelings when she’s keeping my brother from supporting the remaining blood family he has left. Jon and I don’t want his home life to be any more stressful than it is. We understand his choice, but it is another moment where one of us has reached out and asked for help only to be told “no”. This is why we have such a hard time asking for help. We’ve been conditioned from previous experiences that while we are quick to help others, that help is not returned and so it’s better to figure it out yourself than to be at the mercy of others.

The lack of moving help was found out Sunday afternoon. That led to several phone calls on my end to see what I could and could not do in regards to traveling.

I first reached out to Other Tech to see if she would be willing to cover my Monday shift. That would allow me to leave Sunday, giving me more time to help Jon pack as well as get here to Nebraska. She was able and willing as long as our FA approved of the switch.

Cool. I called my FA. We aren’t allowed to change days because several other clinics in our area are experiencing staff shortages. “Unnecessary overtime” would not be approved by the company.

Fuck it. Fine. Since that won’t work, I’ll book a ticket for April 7th, get to Orlando by 1 pm, and we’ll leave as soon as I land for Nebraska. Fuck you, Universe. We’re going to make this happen.

Talked to Jon. Talked to Jerad. Booked a crazy cheap flight; only $100 for what is normally $600. Got a call later from my FA saying, actually, yes, I could switch days with the tech…

Nope. Too, late. Totally not looking into changing anything because I’m sick of things fucking changing. We’re going to stay the course with what we have because it works and we know who’s involved and who is or isn’t doing what.

On the topic of moving… let us jump to yesterday evening where Jon called the apartment complex to confirm that his renter’s insurance was acceptable. It is, so that’s cool.

Jon: So we’ll see you on the 10th to pick up the keys. : )
Assistant: Actually… I have you guys picking up the keys on the 20th…

What the fuck?

So apparently, there was an email sent to both Jon and me saying that the tenants for the unit we were supposed to move into changed their mind and are no longer leaving. Since they are current residents, they get priority on the unit. That’s fine… I get it… But what the fuck? Did you want to call to make sure we got the email that we didn’t get so we could know we didn’t have a unit to move into?

That’s one of the many things on my to-do list to call and figure out today. Originally, Jon was going to call, but I offered to take that off his plate since he has other things he needs to figure out in regards to the move now.

I also found out yesterday evening that I’ve been summoned for jury duty in May… That has since been resolved. I informed my FA earlier this morning about the summons. There’s a paper she can give me since I’m in the healthcare field which will exempt me due to everything that’s currently going on. The clinic can’t cover my absence for two weeks. We’ll see how that pans out, but at the moment it’s looking like a non-issue, which would be nice since I have other shit I need to focus on.

I finally got back in touch with my Endocrinologist. I was on hold for 30 minutes during my lunch break yesterday since they wanted me to call them back in regards to appointments I was trying to schedule. They answered their phone this morning and I was able to get my lab work scheduled with my follow up appointment. They had also sent my Synthroid prescription to the pharmacy I had requested. Nice, since this is the second day in a row of not having my medication.

Luckily, Synthroid is a long-acting medication. Once I get my prescription I can add my missed dosages to the current day’s pill and be fine. It’s not ideal, but also not the end of the world. This hiccup is also happening significantly before my lab draw, so my levels should balance out to stable, meaning my lab work should be an accurate representation of what the meds are doing for me.

I’ve already called the pharmacy. We’re waiting to hear back from my insurance company. The staff at the pharmacy are exceptional. There’s an issue with my insurance approving the prescription, but they’re looking into it and will keep me posted. Apparently, the card number they have doesn’t match my name? The pharmacy sent me a text message asking for pictures of the front and back of my insurance card. They had this issue last time when our PA wrote a prescription for my bronchitis. I’m not worried about it. I appreciate them looking into the issue for me. I hope to hear something back later today.

I had to cancel the electricity set up I had diligently scheduled since we apparently won’t be moving into the apartment we were told we would be. That was an easy phone call. Another thing off the list…

I sent a message to my cousin earlier this morning since I haven’t replied to her original message a week or so ago. I also reached out to L since I didn’t want him to think I was ghosting him. Things have just been so insanely… insane. By the time I get done beating the rest of my life back into order, I don’t have it in me to write and explain what has been going on. Sunday and Monday night I went to bed so early I needed up with 12 hours of sleep and even that was borderline not enough to get me through the day’s troubleshooting.

I’m currently waiting for the apartment office to open so I can call them about our living arrangements. I won’t know what we can or can’t do until that phone call so I’ve been plucking away at other things in the meantime.

I’ve already cooked the chicken for one of my meals this week. That was something I did last night; grocery shopping. I went to the local gas station and got most of the things I needed from there rather than braving the panicky crowds of bigger stores in Lincoln only to find out they are out of stock of what I need.

Fuck that. I’m here. They have what I want/need. I’ll just get it now and be done with it. So I have that going for me.

My Sociology class is currently an online class for the next three weeks. Pretty ok with that since it freed up my morning to handle everything else that needed my attention. I’ve written, which feels nice. There’s still an email I need to send to my Blacksmith. He was another person who reached out to me a few weeks ago. I never replied and so I woke up to another message this morning saying he “guesses I’m avoiding him”.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGG >.<

Irrational Right Brain: Can you back the fuck up, Universe? Jesus.

I did just get a text message from the pharmacy. My prescription is ready for pick up. Woo. See. They really are awesome. I love those guys.

So the game plan for today is to figure out the apartment. Shower. Meet with Ox for food. Do some minor shopping; energy drinks, page protectors… Since I did the grocery already we shouldn’t have to worry about much of that.

Starting laundry would be nice. Plucking away at school stuff would also be nice. My report due date is changed to the 30th; also nice.

I feel like every time I say I want a relaxing day of recovery the Universe says, “Hold my beer.” So I’m not going to say that today. I’m going to enjoy the first sunny day we’ve had in a while. I’m going to keep adding green marks to my to-do list. I’m going to keep focusing on one problem at a time and see what I’m able to get resolved and figured out.

So far has been working well for me, so we’ll stick with it.

Daily Post 209: Remembering Truths

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Working last Wednesday sort of threw everything off for the rest of the week. So here I am with about a week’s worth of stuff to catch up on.

I’ve decided to go with duel specking my character with the bard class. I reached out to our DM with a clarifying question.

Me: Quick question for God: If I duel spec as a bard would I have to legit sing?
God: It really depends on the style of music. There’s gonna be some genres I simply won’t allow at the table. But for sure you’re gonna be performing for us in some capacity. Mwahahahahahaha!!! >:3
Me: Excellent >:3

I can’t wait for tonight’s session. It’s going to be great.

That was the majority of Thursday. Figuring out what I wanted to do with my character level and spell wise, remaking my character sheet in a new program Ox found, and figuring out what items I wanted to replace while we were in town.

Class was fine. We started talking about statuses and roles and group dynamics along with classical studies pertaining to an individual’s willingness to conform in group settings.

Friday and Saturday I worked. Neither of those days was awful. I got some studying done during my breaks. Not as much as I would have liked, but some was better than none.

Saturday night Ox and I ended up going out to dinner. We haven’t had a legit date night in a while. And I guess that needs some back story…

We were supposed to run an extra treatment for a patient Saturday afternoon. Friday she had assured me she would be there for her Saturday treatment. I had gotten to work early to ensure we could have her chair ready for her in the afternoon. Even if something happened with another patient, we would be able to get her in since she said she would be there.

I flipped the station for her. I set up the machine and it had just finished testing when the phone to the clinic rang. My RN answered it. Our patient wasn’t coming.

I haven’t been that frustrated and angry in a while. I was so frustrated I was almost in tears.

Me: I need five minutes. I’ll be right back.

I had to leave the floor to regain perspective and my composure.

Irrational Right Brain: I trusted you. I did these things FOR YOU. You said you would be here. I didn’t call and check to see if you were coming because you told me not to worry about it with the craziness of change over. I had to throw those supplies away because you didn’t come when you said you would. I wasted them because I trusted you. I set that machine up FOR YOU. It wasn’t just flipping a station. There was intention behind every action I did to ensure we weren’t behind FOR YOU. And while I understand all of this is my own perspective, at the time it felt like you threw everything I had done, all of my effort and trying, onto the ground and stomped on it.

After I got over the feelings of betrayal the rest of the day was alright. Patients staggered off well enough that there wasn’t a crazy rush at the end of the day. We closed the clinic up. I drove home. Ox gave me a hug.

I was still frustrated. I was still missing mom. He offered for us to go out together for food since there weren’t plans for dinner. I agreed. I changed out of my scrubs into one of his shirts and a pair of shorts. I wanted to drink. It doesn’t happen often, but that’s where I was Saturday night. I wanted to throw all of my responsibilities and caring down onto the ground and say “fuck it” for a few hours of my life, so I did. Ox let me. He drove. He listened to me and he didn’t judge me.

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They were busy. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea. Since I don’t drink often and hadn’t eaten since lunch it didn’t take long for my drink to do its job. I didn’t mind the loudness anymore. Ox and I talked and I didn’t mind talking about the painfulness I felt. I didn’t care about the silent tears running down my face as I talked about mom. I didn’t care what people thought as I got a second drink. Everyone else could fuck themselves if they thought I would feel bad about crying in public.

Once we were done eating, we went out to the parking lot. Ox gave me a cigarette while I continued talking.

Me: I know I sound like an eight-year-old when I say “I want my mom.” But I want my mom. I want her back.

Ox brought me back to the apartment. I came inside and crawled into bed, still hurting but not minding the pain. It’s there for a reason and while it sucks I cherish it.

While I was in bed I began thinking about my inner landscape; the way I view my mind and the different areas I’ve created in it.

There’s my ice cave. The place I spent so much time in while I was growing up and dealing with my parents’ divorce. The place I retreated to when mom died. It’s where I go when there’s nothing I can do about the pain and confusion I feel other than breath. It’s where I wait, still and silent, because the cold makes the pain seem less.

There’s my summer forest full of green and sunlight. My ice cave is at the center of this calm and warm place. There’s a brook, feeding the forest with water. There are birds and a deer with giant antlers; old and wise as he slowly bends down to drink from the brook. He’s my friend and unafraid of being present while I’m there. He lets me watch him living life and being part of the balance.

There’s another area; one I don’t think I’ve ever taken the time to understand. I’ve always been scared of it. I’ve always thought of it as a personal hell. Saturday I took the time to acknowledge it as real.

From now on it will be my Forest of Nightmare. It’s dark here. The darkness of a moonless night. The trees are black and barren. Roots tangle along the ground, gnarled and unseen, waiting to trip me, making my knees and palms bloodied and scraped.

Monsters live here in the nightmare. At least I used to think they were monsters, and I guess that’s what I figured out during my drunken Saturday night.

They’re not really monsters. The concept of monsters is just another perspective that I have control over. These things have always existed. The forest, the creatures living in them, the things the “monsters” represent. They have always been a part of me, a part of life. Sometimes I’m unaware of them until I meet them for the first, terrifying time, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t always been there; always lived, always breathed, waiting for our meeting.

Grief doesn’t have to be a monster. Loneliness doesn’t have to be a monster. Moonless nights in black forests don’t have to be terrifying. It’s my choice to fear these things that have always been a part of who I am. If I want it to change then I need to make different choices.They have just as much of a right to live as anything else. Existing doesn’t make them bad or evil; my perspective does.

So… I’m trying to make different choices and have different perspectives.

Much like in How to Train Your Dragon, where Hiccup finds Toothless. At first, Hiccup thinks Toothless is a vicious killer and something which should be feared. A monster. Over time he comes to understand that’s not what Toothless is. Hiccup is still fearful when he extends his hand out, unsure of what will happen. Toothless pushes his forehead against the outstretched limb, offering friendship, which is really just understanding and acceptance when you boil it down.

So, I’m extending my hand to the monsters I have fought against and run away from. They aren’t monsters. They deserve to exist and to be understood. They deserve to be accepted as they are rather than being feared. This is their home, with me, inside me, and I can either ignore them or take the time to learn to cohabitate with them.

I want to learn to be accepting of myself. I want to learn to not fear my Forest of Nightmare.

That was a pretty heavy psychological endeavor to have Saturday night. As a result, Sunday I spent most of the day sleeping. I woke up and had breakfast at the house. Came back to the apartment and took a nap with the kittens. Woke up and ate. Went back to sleep… No school work like I had been planning. It was sunny outside but also super windy so it was hard to feel like doing anything other than basking in the sunlight. Being away from people was nice. It helped me recover enough for work the next day.

Monday I worked with my FA on the floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked together. The day itself went smoothly. One of the other techs from our sister clinic came down to learn our machines. She’s super awesome and it was good to spend some time with her.

I went to the house after work. Since it was raid night for Ox we had a cigarette before I came to the apartment. I was supposed to do a bunch of schoolwork but didn’t. Instead, I reread most of my Letters to Mom. That was a sad realization. Through all of my cancer stuff I never once wrote to her. I haven’t told her anything about Jon moving. I didn’t tell her about passing my first semester of nursing school or making the Dean’s List. I haven’t reached out to her in so long…

It gave me more to think about Monday night and so instead of pushing through my mental exhaustion, I opted to sleep instead. If I got a zero on my mid-term exam Tuesday morning I would still pass the class, and since I was showing up to take the test I would make higher than a zero. I know a majority of the content. I don’t have to get 100%. I would be ok with whatever I made because that was the effort I put into my schooling.

Ox came over after raid. We fell asleep together. It was nice and comforting. I woke up Tuesday and had a chill morning before going to class. I feel I did well on my test. The grade still isn’t posted. I’m hoping to get the results later today.

I did errands while I waited to meet with Ox and HiWay Diner. We had an enjoyable lunch before finishing the grocery shopping. I went to the house with him. We had sexy time, though that had a bit of a rough start. I tweaked my back at work Monday morning, so while I desperately wanted the interaction with him, my spine had other ideas.

Me: This is happening, Body. Just fucking enjoy it, damnit.

Body: Oh yeah? Well, take this! And this! And how ’bout this!

Me: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’ll never do it again! I swear!

Yeah… hard to feel sexy when your spine feels like it’s trying to break itself in half. Ox was kind and understanding and eventually, we found a position that didn’t cause spikes of searing agony to stab at my nervous system. Once we found that it was back to being a mind-melting experience.

That did lead to some heavy conversation afterward, which, again, needs some backstory…

Ox and I have been talking again about finding another female to have some fun with. I’m going to ignore the cries of “Slut!” and “Whore!” because I am fully aware that some/most people won’t agree with my choices, but they’re my choices and this is my life and something between my partner and myself and his opinion is the only opinion that really matters at this point.

I made a few posts on a BDSM site explaining what we were looking for. Through those posts, there was a person who reached out to me. It was a guy, but instead of being the typical, “I know you’re looking for a female, but how about a mmf three-way?” type of message, it was an offer to join his group. It’s centered around sex positivity and is a local group for our area. Since Nebraska can be pretty conservative, it was nice to see something like that existed locally.

I joined the group and sent a message back thanking him for reaching out to me. That’s led to some pretty extensive emailing back and forth. He seems like an interesting person. He at least seems to not mind my novel-length replies and engages in the conversation in equal measure.

We’re both interested in friendship and would like to meet each other in person. Queue emotional roller coaster of Doooooom…

I don’t have friends here in Nebraska. I want friends. Most of my friends tend to be guys. How is Ox going to feel knowing I’ve been talking to a guy on a kink site and now want to meet him in person?

Only one way to find out… Fuuuuuck… my life… >.<;

We had that conversation Sunday night. Ox has some misgivings. We laid down ground rules for what would be ok and no ok as far as meeting. I relayed the information and L (we’ll call him L) and I arranged to meet at a coffee shop across from campus on Thursday after my class.

So that wasn’t as big of a roller coaster as I had been prepared for, but it did lead to additional conversation about additional play partners; specifically about how I still feel it’s unfair for Ox to play with girls while I am not allowed to play with guys, not that I really want to, but it is an imbalance and I don’t do well with imbalances.

I actually got a reply from one chick asking if we were still looking for someone.

My Brain: Totally not done with that roller coaster, btw. K. Thx. Bye. : D

Me: Fuck you, Brain…

So… there was sexy time yesterday. I don’t remember how, but we got back onto the topic of other people. I’m feeling uncomfortable about it, so it’s obvious that something is bothering me but I don’t want to talk about it so I don’t, but Ox knows somethings up, he just doesn’t know what because I won’t talk so he doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t know what’s going on inside my head…

Arg…

We ended up talking about it.

I’m still insecure about a lot of things regarding my surgery. My new scar. The fact that a stranger cut me open and took part of me away. The fact that I have to be on medication for the rest of forever to be “normal”. The fact that I’m still recovering and not able to do things at the gym I took for granted. The fact that I’m still dojo-less and even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to train as I have in the past.

So, what happens if we find a chick, and for whatever reason, the situation is extremely stimulating for Ox and she’s able to help him finish easier or faster than I am able to? That would mean the issue is really, truly with me right? I’m not doing something right or I’m not enough. It really is me.

What happens if they hit it off and form a friendship where they want to start hanging out, alone because they’re friends? What if she’s prettier than me? What if she doesn’t have cancer? What if she doesn’t have grief because her parents are still alive? What if she catches feelz for Ox and then we have to contend with all of that? What happens if Ox gets the type of dynamic that I’m not allowed to have because “guys are bad”?

Ox and I have only recently been branching out into the BDSM side of things and so while I am enjoying and grateful for it, it’s still new and tentative. I don’t feel secure in it because I don’t understand why the change is there or if it will last, or really what any of it means for him. Is it only bedroom play or is this the real-life dynamic that I’ve wanted that I convinced myself I couldn’t have because believing I couldn’t have it was easier than constantly pining for it?

What’s our relationship goal? Do we even have one? Where are we headed? How are things going to change once Jon and I are roommates? How are things going to be once I go back to nursing school and no longer have a life for eight months?

There’s so much in flux right now. I don’t want to add another person into the mix when so much is still unclear, unsettled, muddled, muddy, nebulous…

Ox: We don’t have to do this. It’s why I’ve left it up to you. If you don’t want it, that’s ok.

Me: But this is something I agreed to before I moved. Won’t you feel betrayed if I don’t do this?

Ox: No. I love you. I’m with you. And I’m here for you.

It was a hard conversation. Admitting to my “not good” feelings was hard. I was worried about rejection and anger, but like so many other times before, I was given love, kindness, and understanding instead.

At the end of the conversation, Ox hugged me and said we were ok. Originally I had plans to cross-stitch at the house on the bed next to him, but with the looming conversation, it felt less ok to do something like that. I should go to the apartment and hide. I should be emo in bed under the covers and leave this unresolved because it’s easier to not confront it than to work through it.

But no. We worked through it. Together. And at the end, I did go inside and cross-stitch, something I haven’t been doing.

That’s something else I’ve noticed. For the past few weeks, all of the self-care I had been doing post-surgery has fallen to the wayside again, and I wonder if that’s not factoring into the general discord I have been feeling. I haven’t colored for weeks. Yesterday was the first time in a while that I’ve stitched. This is the first writing in roughly a week. There are piles on the kitchen table and dishes in the sink… I’m allowing Life to take over again and that’s not ok.

Today is about cleaning up; catching up. I was supposed to go to counseling, but Ox accidentally took my keys with him to work, so I can’t drive anywhere. Instead, I’m going to stay at the apartment today. Writing has helped me reflect. I’m in the process of meal prepping. As my back allows I’ll pluck away at sweeping and moping and going through my piles. Email, phone calls, school notes, condensing to-do lists… all of it.

Today is about getting back on track and tonight will be an awesome night of D&D.

Things will be ok. Things are ok. I’m my mother’s daughter and I’m a warrior. Those are my truths. I think I needed to be reminded of them.

Daily Post 208: Rambling

I need this to be more of a ramble post. Just forewarning that my thoughts might jump around way more then they have in my previous posts.

D&D went well last night. I was late because at 7ish yesterday morning I was asked to cover a shift at one of our sister clinics in town. I explained that I had counseling and that I would be able to be to the clinic until 11:30, roughly. That was fine. Their team was grateful for my help.

I got there at the end of change over. Even though it’s a clinic I haven’t been too often, I did well. I was able to rinse the clinic’s loop fine even though I haven’t done that task for at least six months now. Their machines are different, but I was still able to string them and interact with them efficiently. Sort of like riding a bike. I picked it back up like it was yesterday. It brought back memories of when I worked in Orlando since they were the same machines I originally trained on.

It was nice to see the other teammates. The day went smooth, and though I had initially thought yesterday would be more of a “school” day, I was glad I was able to help alleviate the panic of “holy shit, how are we going to find coverage for this person who can’t come in”.

Due to not working on school stuff, I do feel a bit behind in my class now. I have a few chapters I need to read. Tuesday is my mid-term exam. My report is due on the 19th. While none of those tasks are extremely heavy and I feel like I have a good grasp on the content, there is a part of me that feels slightly overwhelmed. Like I’ve allowed myself to procrastinate too much and now I’m not going to do well.

I know all of those feelings are internal. The only things I don’t feel confident in are some of the sociologist’s names. I know all of the studies that have been done, but who did them.

Durkheim studied suicide and was one of the founders of sociology as a social science. Cooly established a model for social development stages. Piaget focused on biological (brain) development which corresponded to Cooly’s social stages. Mead combined Cooly’s and Piaget’s models, creating his own stages of development. Yes, I looked up how to spell Piaget’s name.

There are other sociologists that I’m not so sure about. While there is a part of me who wants to freak out and fall into a pit of despair because how am I supposed to get everything done? There’s another part of me who feels like if I buckle down over the next few days I’ll be fine. I like the feelings of the calm, level-headed side of myself. This is do-able, it’s just going to take a bit of effort and disciple on my part. I would rather surround myself with those feelings and tackle the things I need to do one at a time.

I think Dagger has a matt forming on his side. His fur is sort of rough and calloused feeling. I can’t see anything wrong with the skin and he doesn’t act like he’s in pain when I touch the “weird” spot. I’ve been trying to brush it to see if it is actually a matt but he doesn’t like that very much. I’ve been keeping an eye on it. It hasn’t gotten worse or spread, so there’s that. He’s recovering well from surgery. His fur is starting to grow back on his belly.

The kittens are starting to let me clip their claws by myself. I’ll wait until they’re calm and cuddling with me before trying to clip them. It seems to work. I’ve also made more of an effort to touch their paws without clipping them, so they’re used to them being held and having me extend their claws. It’s not an action associated only with this thing they don’t really care for. It’s part of cuddling and bonding and sometimes I clip them, but not always.

It seems to be helping. It’s easier to clip their claws when they’re not trying to pull away so it goes smoother and faster and this thing they’re not sure about doesn’t take as long to do. Ox helped me a little last night since the kittens were playful, but overall it’s been going better.

Back to D&D… Our characters leveled up. Level 3. Woot woot. I’m thinking about duel specing my character, though I haven’t settled on what class to take in addition to cleric. That’s going to require a bit of research on my part. I also need to look into buying a few items while we’re in town.

I have an assignment that I need to print out for class this morning, but after printing that I think I’ll take the time to figure out a bit of my D&D stuff before going into class today.

I know I just got done writing about how I feel behind and all of that stuff, but I want to take the time to do something for myself, too. I worked yesterday instead of having those six hours to do the things I wanted/needed to do. I want to have my morning so I’m going to give it to myself.

I need to cook my roast still, but that’s warming up to room temperature at the moment before I put it in the oven. It should finish cooking before I need to get ready for class. I can cut it up once I get home. I’m thinking about going to the gym for a little bit.

Several people recently have said it looks like I’m losing weight. I don’t really feel like I am. I’ve been feeling better, yes, but I haven’t noticed a difference in how my clothes are fitting. Maybe that’s me being unobservant. /shrug

Anywho, I didn’t go to the gym on Tuesday. I went to lunch with Ox instead and then did grocery shopping. He also pushed me to the point of crying again, which, yes, I know sounds awful, but it’s not.

This time I cried over it almost being April. April 4th. Four years. Four years since mom died. Four years that I’ve struggled, and fought, and raged, and sobbed, and wondered what’s the point? Why keep going? You’re still not here.

I’ve been thinking more and more about the 4th and how it’s coming and I know it’s going to be another wave of grief that hurts and makes it hard to breathe. I can feel it building inside me. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment. It’s been easy to not consciously acknowledge this day is coming, but subconsciously I know. Every day as I write the date on my to-do list or on forms at work, I know it’s coming, creeping closer and closer and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Just like my birthday. Just like mother’s day. These days always come, will always hurt, will always be hard.

As I cried Ox said it will be ok. That we would get through it.

Me: There’s a part of me who doesn’t want it to be ok. I want everyone to hurt as much as I do. I want the world to stop. I want it to be unable to function without my mom in it. I want her death to still mean something.

Crying on Tuesday helped. I still feel the ache in my chest; my invisible wound, but crying and talking about it helped to release some of the tension that had been building up under the surface.

I guess there isn’t a whole lot else to talk about. Counseling went well. I’m thinking about taking American Sign Language during summer if finances allow it.

We talked pretty extensively about school. I explained how I want to be an LPN. I can see myself in that role. I can visualize my days at work. I can see the additional tasks I would take on and how my workflow would change. I WANT those changes and so LPN seems ok.

I don’t want to be an RN. At least not right now. Since I don’t want it, it’s hard to feel motivation to do things associated with moving me towards RN. Taking the sociology class was due to being interested in sociology. It just helped that it was a pre-req for RN. I don’t want to take microbiology, another pre-req for a program I don’t really want to complete.

Maybe that will change, but for right now I want my focus to be on becoming an LPN, taking over a few of the outcomes at our clinic, and moving into a PCT3 position. I WANT those things and so I’m self-motivated to achieve them. I want to get through this phase of my life first and then see where I want to go. I don’t like the idea of being charge nurse. I don’t like the idea of totally giving up my role as a PCT to be an RN because there’s no way I can cover both positions on my own. That’s why there are at least two people on the floor. One RN and one PCT. One person can’t do everything. But I would try to do that. I know I would.

So yeah… maybe, if I’m able to, taking another class because it’s something I want to take, rather take something I feel pressured into doing. I don’t want that. I don’t want to spend money investing in something simply because I feel it’s what other people want me to do.

So yeah… I think I’ll go for now. I feel better for having written. I feel a little clearer inside my head. I’m going to keep plucking away at my day and see where I end up.

Daily Post 206: Half Way Done

Alright. So here we are, about halfway through my “off” days.

Monday was alright at work. It was fun being able to tell my patients about my social experiment for school. They seemed genuinely interested in how it went and joked and smiled with me as I told my stories. The day would have gone better had the nephrologist not rounded in the middle of change over. Luckily, my FA helped flip a few stations and even started one patient’s treatment for the RN and me. We would have been significantly behind without her help.

The rest of the day went smoothly. I had some frustration at the end of the day. This was the RN who I’m pretty sure mentioned to my FA how she didn’t like me coloring during my downtime. As I’m sweating bullets trying to get the clinic closed up she’s sitting at the computer. It must be nice…

By the time I got home, I was mostly over my frustration. The drive home in sunlight with music helps a lot in getting over things like that. Is something at work frustrating? Yeah. But you know what? It’s over. Fuck it. I’m going to enjoy my drive in the non-snowy weather. I’m not going to let the frustration take this moment away from me.

Monday was raid night for Ox. We went to the gas station together so he could get a few energy drinks. I even partook of one before going back to the apartment. I unpacked from work. Washed the dishes. Cooked dinner. Finished editing my assignment for school. Printed my assignment out and packed it away for Tuesday. Packed for the gym the next day.

I then proceeded to spend most of the night coloring a new mandala, staying up until 11 pm. Blaming the energy drink on that one since I typically can’t stay up much past 7 pm most nights.

I was awake when Ox came over so we had a cigarette together then went to bed.

Tuesday morning was crazy productive. I did my morning routine. I packed up the car with my gym bag, school stuff, and my basket of laundry. I ran over to the vet to finish paying my balance with them. The check from Ox finally cleared so I had the money to take care of financial things.

After the vet, I swung by the house to start my laundry. I then headed into town. I went to Walmart and got a money order to pay rent. I went to Costco and got gas for the car. I hopped across the street and got two packs of wet cat food for the kittens. From there I headed to school feeling good about having gotten all of my morning stuff done.

Class was good. I got to talk pretty extensively about my experiment. Not a lot of other people wanted to talk about theirs. I figured that’s how class would go down. Whatever. I had fun and it was super informative and I wrote extensively about it.

After class, I headed to the gym. It didn’t feel like it would be a good workout. I was tired and thought about not going. Instead of giving up, I stopped at a gas station near the gym to eat my protein bar since I was ridiculously hungry. I was able to have more of my energy drink and Ox was actually able to catch up with me so we got to spend some time together.

All of those things helped me to start feeling better. After about 15 minutes, I continued on to the gym. I still didn’t think it would be a good workout, but at least I wasn’t giving up on it. After a 10 minute warmup on the bike, I was feeling more with it. I reached gear 11 a few times. I ended up biking for 35 minutes, reaching just over 6.5 miles. Not bad for thinking I wouldn’t be able to do much.

I stopped at the gas station in Hickman before going to the house. I use lemon and lime juice frequently and I was running low on them. I figured I would pick new bottles up while I was out instead of having to make an emergency trip later.

Once at the house, I switched my laundry and ate again. I went ahead and spent the $20 to get the set of silicone containers I found on Amazon. They should be here Thursday. I logged my workout, noting that I’ve been improving since my return to the gym at the beginning of the month. My first workout was only 20 minutes and I barely made it past 3 miles on that one.

I also took a moment to recognize that while I may not be losing weight, I haven’t gained anything since November and receiving my cancer diagnosis. If I’m able to maintain while not doing a whole lot at the gym, then, theoretically, once I start pushing again, I should start making progress in that area. It made me feel better to realize I haven’t been doing that bad on the health side of things as I had been thinking. I’m going to give it another month before going back to lifting since that was the advice from my Endocrinologist. She wants me to heal a bit more first before doing crazy shit.

Ox and I had sexy time while I was over. Twice even. That left me dead for the rest of the day. In a good way. Totally not complaining that I didn’t get much of anything else done. When I was recovered enough I packed up my laundry and came back to the apartment and slept for a while. Eventually, I woke up to eat, thought about looking at the rest of my to-do list, but opted to go back to sleep instead.

Ox came over at some point and fell asleep next to me. I halfway sort of remember him getting into bed. I do clearly remember his alarm going off this morning. XD

He woke up for work and got ready, kissing me goodbye before he left.

My back was sore when I woke up at 6. I think it was from sleeping weird, or maybe for so long since I’m pretty sure collectively I slept more than 12 hours yesterday. As I moved around doing my morning stuff the pain went away which I’m grateful for.

As far as today goes, I’ve finally started making progress on my report that’s due March 19th. I’ve been going through my reference material and highlighting the information I want to use in my report. I’ve also got the report body outlined and the text formatted properly. Pretty much all that’s left is to put the information where I want it.

I just put the roast in the oven to cook and I’ve written, so all that’s left is to start plucking away at the minor tasks on my list before going into town for counseling.

Ox and I plan to meet for lunch at the diner. From there I need to go check out one of the apartments Jon and I are interested in. There’s D&D tonight. I’ve already made sure my character sheets are in the bag. XD

It’s going to be another busy day, but it should also be a good day. It’s sunny again which is nice. Summer is on its way. I’m looking forward to it.

Report Cat is Helping

Daily Post 205: Breaking Social Norms

Another day that didn’t go as expected, but once again, in a good way.

I colored for most of last night after writing. I even made a drink eventually. Since I was drinking I ate after my 10 pm cut off time for taking my Synthroid at 2 am. That was fine. I figured I would take it when I woke up the next day.

Ox came over and slept next to me. When my alarm starting going off like normal for me to take my pill, I poked at Ox, telling him to shut it off. In his half-awake state, he kept hitting snooze instead.

My Brain: Not cool, bro. >.>

Eventually, he found the stop button and we both went back to sleep for a while. I woke up at six. I took my pill then went back to sleep for a while. I woke up again around 9. That’s sort of crazy in my world. Usually, I’ve already been awake for 7 hours at that point.

Shortly after waking up I concluded today wouldn’t be an exceedingly productive day. Since I’m a girl and all, I had cramping and general feelings of blah-ness. No plans for the gym unless I started feeling better, which didn’t feel likely. And with how eventful the past days have been, I was ok with social interaction not being very high on my list.

I took care of the kittens then headed over to the house to have breakfast with the family. Ox was amazing and took my trash out for me before he left. Once at the house, I read my previous three or four posts to Ox while the bacon cooked.

After breakfast, I asked Ox to cuddle with me. There had been tentative plans to do grocery shopping, but I still wasn’t feeling well and the tiredness I had woken up with hadn’t lessened even though I had already had over half of my Bang and a cup of coffee.

Ox made the comment of me taking a nap. He said grocery shopping could wait until Tuesday; our normal day. Today could be a recovery day from all of the craziness. As he held me I reluctantly informed him that I had an assignment due for school.

Me: I have to break a folkway for school by Tuesday.

Ox: What?

I explained what my assignment for the class was and that I had no idea what to do as we cuddled. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to be away from Ox. And I really didn’t want to do anything outside my comfort zone. I had been thinking of taking a zero on the assignment, introvert that I am. I couldn’t not tell Ox about the assignment, though. In my mind, not telling him about it would have been a form of lying.

Bringing up the topic led to both of us dinking around on our phones to get ideas of different folkways to break and how. After some brainstorming, I had settled on the idea of going into town. It’s almost Mardi Gras and I was thinking of getting a feather mask from Party City to wear while doing grocery shopping. The mental interaction with Ox had given me a bit of energy so I was more on board with going out. I would be completing something that I needed to get done for school and taking care of a task on my to-do list at the same time. Win-win, right?

As Ox and I were having a cigarette outside before heading into town he mentioned the helmet and mace we had created for my Hawk Girl costume a few years ago.

Holy shit!!! I still have those! I could totally use them! BEST IDEA EVER!!!!

I dashed back inside and got my helmet and mace. I could not wait to do the experiment now. Maybe it was because I got to wear something we had made together, or because it was something I had already worn before and was comfortable with, or because I had some sort of personal investment in the project now. I can’t say specifically what it was about wearing the helmet that made me more ok with doing this project, but I was actually eager to do it now.

Ox took me back to the apartment so I could paint my face. We talked about the mace a bit. He said he wasn’t ok with me taking that with me due to the potential of legal ramifications. It didn’t matter that it was fake. Walking around with a mace on my hip would most likely be crossing a social line that wouldn’t be pretty. I eventually conceded.

Me: Fine… I won’t take the mace… but I’m totally going to paint my face and go the grocery shopping in my badass Hawk Girl helmet. God, this is going to be so good. For science!

I went to the gas station here in Hickman first. Overall, it was a positive experiment. I got a lot of data for my assignment and was emboldened by the support and encouragement I got when I interacted with people one on one.

Deciding to push further, I had Ox drive me to one of the Walmarts in Lincoln. I went in and continued with my social experiment. I even got to meet a sociology teacher who came up to me and asked if I was doing an experiment. It was a wildly successful project and I had so many things to write about. The difference between the reaction of children and adults. The non-verbal aspect of body language. My own internal reactions to doing something outside of the social norm.

My Brain: Soooo many things. Sooooo good.

At the end of my Walmart trip, I went into the restroom and washed my face off, returning to my normal, socially acceptable self. Ox and I finished our shopping in peace and quiet.

We stopped by the At Home store that recently opened. He mentioned how I haven’t gotten anything for the apartment in a while and I was supposed to have been getting something for myself each time I did well on a test. At my continued statements of, “I don’t need anything,” he threw in that I really deserved something for doing so outstanding on my cancer test, with that coming back negative and all.

I couldn’t argue his logic. I mean… I had been thinking about getting a colander, but I really didn’t need anything… I was getting by fine without one… But what the heck? We’re out together and I’m feeling better, so let’s enjoy the time we have, even if it ends up being window shopping.

So… I ended up with a new sink strainer, a collapsable colander, a pair of silicone tongs, a silicone oven mitt, and a new lidded trash can for the bathroom so the kittens can stop saving me from evil q-tips… Yeah… totally need nothing for the apartment…

I feel like we got a lot of things and there’s a part of me who still feels uncomfortable that we spent money. The total came out to $40, though, which in my mind isn’t all that bad. I feel like we got our money’s worth.

While we were in the store, we saw a set of collapsible food containers. Mind = blown. I didn’t know anything like that existed. The ones in the store weren’t microwaveable safe, but I was curious if Amazon had anything that was, which, they do. Totally going to be the next thing I buy myself. My minimalist, organizational brain cannot wait. This opens a whole new world to me.

Anywho. Costco was the last place for us to stop. Once we were done there we headed back to the house so I could type my findings for the assignment due Tuesday. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past hours; typing and proofreading and editing.

I didn’t expect to spend my day doing this assignment, but it turned out to be amazingly fun and I’m glad it was such a success. I typed five pages… most likely overkill since only three paragraphs were required, but I don’t regret a single word. I’m sure I went much more in-depth than what most students do for this assignment.

Currently, I’m cooking ribs in my Ninja Foodi for dinner. Since those are almost done, I’m going to go. I work tomorrow, but then I’m back to having some days off. Hopefully, there aren’t emergency surgeries or crazy social experiments that I have to do and I can just chill and be antisocially introverted for a while. That would be nice.

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