assignment

Daily Post 205: Breaking Social Norms

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Another day that didn’t go as expected, but once again, in a good way.

I colored for most of last night after writing. I even made a drink eventually. Since I was drinking I ate after my 10 pm cut off time for taking my Synthroid at 2 am. That was fine. I figured I would take it when I woke up the next day.

Ox came over and slept next to me. When my alarm starting going off like normal for me to take my pill, I poked at Ox, telling him to shut it off. In his half-awake state, he kept hitting snooze instead.

My Brain: Not cool, bro. >.>

Eventually, he found the stop button and we both went back to sleep for a while. I woke up at six. I took my pill then went back to sleep for a while. I woke up again around 9. That’s sort of crazy in my world. Usually, I’ve already been awake for 7 hours at that point.

Shortly after waking up I concluded today wouldn’t be an exceedingly productive day. Since I’m a girl and all, I had cramping and general feelings of blah-ness. No plans for the gym unless I started feeling better, which didn’t feel likely. And with how eventful the past days have been, I was ok with social interaction not being very high on my list.

I took care of the kittens then headed over to the house to have breakfast with the family. Ox was amazing and took my trash out for me before he left. Once at the house, I read my previous three or four posts to Ox while the bacon cooked.

After breakfast, I asked Ox to cuddle with me. There had been tentative plans to do grocery shopping, but I still wasn’t feeling well and the tiredness I had woken up with hadn’t lessened even though I had already had over half of my Bang and a cup of coffee.

Ox made the comment of me taking a nap. He said grocery shopping could wait until Tuesday; our normal day. Today could be a recovery day from all of the craziness. As he held me I reluctantly informed him that I had an assignment due for school.

Me: I have to break a folkway for school by Tuesday.

Ox: What?

I explained what my assignment for the class was and that I had no idea what to do as we cuddled. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to be away from Ox. And I really didn’t want to do anything outside my comfort zone. I had been thinking of taking a zero on the assignment, introvert that I am. I couldn’t not tell Ox about the assignment, though. In my mind, not telling him about it would have been a form of lying.

Bringing up the topic led to both of us dinking around on our phones to get ideas of different folkways to break and how. After some brainstorming, I had settled on the idea of going into town. It’s almost Mardi Gras and I was thinking of getting a feather mask from Party City to wear while doing grocery shopping. The mental interaction with Ox had given me a bit of energy so I was more on board with going out. I would be completing something that I needed to get done for school and taking care of a task on my to-do list at the same time. Win-win, right?

As Ox and I were having a cigarette outside before heading into town he mentioned the helmet and mace we had created for my Hawk Girl costume a few years ago.

Holy shit!!! I still have those! I could totally use them! BEST IDEA EVER!!!!

I dashed back inside and got my helmet and mace. I could not wait to do the experiment now. Maybe it was because I got to wear something we had made together, or because it was something I had already worn before and was comfortable with, or because I had some sort of personal investment in the project now. I can’t say specifically what it was about wearing the helmet that made me more ok with doing this project, but I was actually eager to do it now.

Ox took me back to the apartment so I could paint my face. We talked about the mace a bit. He said he wasn’t ok with me taking that with me due to the potential of legal ramifications. It didn’t matter that it was fake. Walking around with a mace on my hip would most likely be crossing a social line that wouldn’t be pretty. I eventually conceded.

Me: Fine… I won’t take the mace… but I’m totally going to paint my face and go the grocery shopping in my badass Hawk Girl helmet. God, this is going to be so good. For science!

I went to the gas station here in Hickman first. Overall, it was a positive experiment. I got a lot of data for my assignment and was emboldened by the support and encouragement I got when I interacted with people one on one.

Deciding to push further, I had Ox drive me to one of the Walmarts in Lincoln. I went in and continued with my social experiment. I even got to meet a sociology teacher who came up to me and asked if I was doing an experiment. It was a wildly successful project and I had so many things to write about. The difference between the reaction of children and adults. The non-verbal aspect of body language. My own internal reactions to doing something outside of the social norm.

My Brain: Soooo many things. Sooooo good.

At the end of my Walmart trip, I went into the restroom and washed my face off, returning to my normal, socially acceptable self. Ox and I finished our shopping in peace and quiet.

We stopped by the At Home store that recently opened. He mentioned how I haven’t gotten anything for the apartment in a while and I was supposed to have been getting something for myself each time I did well on a test. At my continued statements of, “I don’t need anything,” he threw in that I really deserved something for doing so outstanding on my cancer test, with that coming back negative and all.

I couldn’t argue his logic. I mean… I had been thinking about getting a colander, but I really didn’t need anything… I was getting by fine without one… But what the heck? We’re out together and I’m feeling better, so let’s enjoy the time we have, even if it ends up being window shopping.

So… I ended up with a new sink strainer, a collapsable colander, a pair of silicone tongs, a silicone oven mitt, and a new lidded trash can for the bathroom so the kittens can stop saving me from evil q-tips… Yeah… totally need nothing for the apartment…

I feel like we got a lot of things and there’s a part of me who still feels uncomfortable that we spent money. The total came out to $40, though, which in my mind isn’t all that bad. I feel like we got our money’s worth.

While we were in the store, we saw a set of collapsible food containers. Mind = blown. I didn’t know anything like that existed. The ones in the store weren’t microwaveable safe, but I was curious if Amazon had anything that was, which, they do. Totally going to be the next thing I buy myself. My minimalist, organizational brain cannot wait. This opens a whole new world to me.

Anywho. Costco was the last place for us to stop. Once we were done there we headed back to the house so I could type my findings for the assignment due Tuesday. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past hours; typing and proofreading and editing.

I didn’t expect to spend my day doing this assignment, but it turned out to be amazingly fun and I’m glad it was such a success. I typed five pages… most likely overkill since only three paragraphs were required, but I don’t regret a single word. I’m sure I went much more in-depth than what most students do for this assignment.

Currently, I’m cooking ribs in my Ninja Foodi for dinner. Since those are almost done, I’m going to go. I work tomorrow, but then I’m back to having some days off. Hopefully, there aren’t emergency surgeries or crazy social experiments that I have to do and I can just chill and be antisocially introverted for a while. That would be nice.

Musing Moments 123: LFTIO – Conscious Beliefs

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 2
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”.



What do you believe about yourself?

 I believe I am a good person. I believe I create ripples which have larger effects than I’ll ever be able to know or understand. I believe I am living the life and having the experiences I was meant to have. I believe that I will be ok even when it feels like I won’t be.

I believe my mom would be, and is, proud of me and the choices I have made before, during, and after her death. Even the choices she may not have agreed with or had hoped I would avoid making I think made her proud because they were learning experiences which helped turn me into the me I am today.

I believe I am here to help people through their own dark times because the only reason I have made it through my own dark times was because of the support of others. No man is an island and I cannot deny nor discredit the help I have had in making it to where I am in life.

I believe I function better when I am able to have solitude and time away from the chaos and noise of life to reflect on my emotions, reactions, situations and to self-analyze so I understand myself and others more clearly. I believe that introversion and extroversion should not be categorized in terms of strengths or weaknesses. I believe there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and that my need for solitude is not unhealthy and does not require intervention.

I believe I still have a lot of work to do within my inner and outer worlds, but I can and will recognize that I have come a long way throughout my life. I will not deny how far I have come in the three years since mom’s death even if acknowledging that progress is painful to certain areas of my consciousness.

I am, and will continue to live a life I can be proud of; one with honor, intention, and empathy. I will continue to try to understand my grief. I will continue to not let my sadness win. I will continue to tell my evil voice of self-doubt to sit down and shut up while I go off and prove to myself that I can and will do amazing things.

I believe that I will continue to grow as a person, learning, experiencing, adjusting, and evolving. I believe I will continue to be a force of awesome within the universe for the brief moment of time I am here to do so.


What do you believe about other people?

 I believe most people have good intentions. I believe people are driven first and foremost by self-preservation. I believe that everyone has a story with dark sections they do not want to talk about or share or experience a second time. I believe that everyone is human and that when I am hurt by someone in order to truly understand why I hurt I must step outside of myself and strive to understand the other person’s motivation and the backstory leading up to the situation we find ourselves in.

I believe most people will not understand me or my inner world. I believe most people will continue to be intimidated or dismissive of me and my beliefs because of the intensity in which I feel my truths, values, and commitments. I believe I will always feel like an outsider in regards to my place within society and that a large part of this “outsider-ish” feeling has to do with identifying as an INFJ and my personality type making up less than 1% of the world’s population. Much like life, I feel regardless of what others believe, say, or feel, my being an INFJ is a fact and that I am in control of how I view this fact in regards to it being good or bad; positive or negative.

I believe other people will always have their own thoughts and feelings. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean I have to agree with those opinions or accept them as my own truths.

I believe relationships, trust, and openness with others will continue to be the areas of my life requiring the most conscious attention due to my past experiences.

I believe that all people will, at some point, die, because we are all mortal and that is the natural order of things.


What do you believe about your teams?

 I believe my team works well together. I believe we will be ok once the clinic opens to six days a week again. I believe I will make sacrifices in future moments without thinking them through fully which will lead to, in some degree, regret and that this is something I should be aware of and consciously work to avoid for the betterment of the team.

I believe my FA works hard and does her best for our team and our patients. I believe my FA makes personal sacrifices for her team. I believe she genuinely cares about me as a person as well as a worker. I wish I were able to provide more support than what I am currently able and this inability to help more leads to feelings of inadequacy when I begin struggling with feelings of grief or depression; fuel for a self-destructive fire. Being aware of this as a Shadow Belief within myself, that I am inadequate, allows me to combat this and other false beliefs, thus allowing me to stay a strong, healthy, and balanced member of our team. It also allows me to help other members understand and cope with their own Shadow Beliefs which may be similar to my own.

I believe I am the most consistent member my team has had so far since the clinic opened. I believe I will continue to provide a sense of consistency, dependability, and organization to my team and I am ok with those being the unspoken roles I fill.


What do you believe about life?

 I believe that life has a purpose even if I feel lost and purposeless sometimes. I believe that I am on the path I am supposed to be on. I believe I have met the people I have and gone through the experiences I have survived for a reason. I believe that unfairness and fairness are subjective and in regards to life, hold no bearing. Life is. Life exists. Much like a fact, life is neither good nor bad. It is neither fair nor unfair. It is our own perceptions and judgments which color our world in the hues we choose to feel and see and accept as true.

Life has been a journey and while there have been moments of sadness and loss, I try extremely hard not to regret the choices I have made or the experiences I have gone through. I try to be content and accepting with where I am at in my journey because being sad or angry or wishing something had gone differently is a waste of energy. Nothing in the past can be changed. Harboring regret dishonors and diminishes the importance of all the good, positive, and beneficial things which were born out of those darker moments.

Since mom’s death, I view happiness as a fickle, fleeting thing, much like a candle flame which can, and will, be disturbed by the slightest of changes in the air. I strive to feel the calmer, more stoic, more foundational feeling of contentment. Happiness, in my opinion, is external; contentment is internal. I would rather my inner world be at peace and content rather than worrying about external displays of joy and happiness. I live life for myself, not for the outward approval of others.


What do you believe is your impact or influence on others?

 I believe I have a positive impact on those around me. I believe I am able to genuinely touch people through sharing my story. I believe I inspire people to realize themselves and to become more self-aware individuals. I believe I help them confront and fight their own evil voices because I have been able to confront and battle my own internal voice. I guess that’s what I really believe when it comes down to it. It’s not so much about being a positive influence. I help people be more aware of themselves.


What do you believe about leadership?

 I believe I have a very different view of leadership than most people.

I believe I have a dislike for the term leadership because it puts an unseen barrier between individuals. It creates a platform from which someone looks down from and others look up to. The term leadership, to me, creates distance and that distance feels like sandpaper beneath my skin.

Leadership isn’t about distance and levels and climbing a hierarchical ladder of BS.

Leadership, to me, is about being a role model. It’s about showing others how to be a decent, intentional, and aware human being. It’s about having made more mistakes than others and sharing how to overcome those mistakes or not make them again.

It’s about having people want to follow you because they believe in your cause just as much as you believe in it, not because you told or forced or paid them into following you. Being a leader means people trust you to not be a self-absorbed jerk and to not throw them under the bus just to save your own skin.

Leadership is about caring about others more than yourself. You care about others more than personal gain. More than personal image. More than personal security. More than a personal paycheck.

As a leader, you care about your co-workers, your team, your family, your community and society more than yourself as an individual or your own personal truths and beliefs. You care about basic human rights. You care about people not feeling used or taken advantage of. You care about people feeling like they matter and that there is a point, a reason, for waking up in the morning.

As a leader, you understand that others do matter. Others do make a difference and they do have the potential to be amazing even if they do not see it or understand it themselves.

As a leader, you are taking on the responsibility to care. As a leader, you see and acknowledge the effort others put in. As a leader, you help someone when you see them struggling. You guide and mentor and support others through their challenges, both internal and external. As a leader, you work just as hard as you ask those around you to, if not harder.

As a leader, as a role model of human decency, you compromise. You listen. You learn. You admit when you’re wrong. You don’t gloat when you’re right. You treat others with kindness and remain humble because no matter how high you climb, no matter how far reaching your influence, no matter how impressive your title becomes, we all will die. You. Me. Kings all the way down to the lowest of serfs. We will all return to dust and the titles and labels and invisible barriers we convince ourselves are there will be nothing once more. In the end, we’re all human. We’re all mortal.

Life is unfair. There’s no reason for us to make it harder on each other and as a leader, we are stepping forward on the battlefield of life and saying to all those around us, “I am here to help you not lose. I am here when your fight gets hard. I am here to battle your foe with you, shoulder to shoulder because I care about your struggles. I care about your life and your goals and your dreams and I’m going to help you reach them because you can reach them; the only person we have to convince of that truth is you.”

To me, that is leadership.

Musing Moment 120: The Confusion of Leadership

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Written yesterday. Posted today since
I’m trying to catch back up with life.

 

 

This is going to be a rough and dirty post and I mean dirty as in more of a “word vomit” sort of way. Gross I know, but a lot of stuff has happened work wise and I want to get some of my thoughts at least out of my head and mildly figured out so I have something to think about while I go about the rest of my day.

I went to Academy for work and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually pretty cool and enjoyable for the most part. If given the choice to go back and do it again, I would.

When I got back I had an email saying I had already been picked for the second phase of the leadership course I want to take. That’s the essay part. I have two options to write about. I can explain my passion for leadership or I can write about why I want to move into a leadership role within the company.

Since I don’t really want to move into a leadership role, at least not at the moment, that leaves writing about my passion for leadership.

Queue the reason this is an issue and why I need to write through my thoughts…

I’m not really passionate about leadership…

No. Not leadership. I’m more passionate about leaders and this is why.

I’m passionate about the people who have taken their time and energy to help build me up. The amazing leaders I have interacted with helped me overcome challenges. They’ve inspired me to achieve things I didn’t think I could. They listened to me when I had doubts and brainstormed solutions with me that I wouldn’t have been able to find on my own. They’ve given me information to think about or provided resources for me to look into and then stepped back, giving me the space to find my own way. They watched as I climbed mountains and shared in my feelings of success and victory. They were part of the journey but never demanded credit or recognition for something they clearly had a large part in. They gained happiness out of seeing me succeed.

I feel like I already have several skills that make me a “leader”. I’m good at problem-solving. I’m good at being empathetic. I’m good at seeing not only the big picture but also all of the little steps it takes to get to the end goal. I’m good at organizing and making a roadmap to get to the desired destination. I’m good at seeing the potential in others and helping them see it as well. I’ve already been in “leadership” positions. I’m pretty decent at communicating with others and actually listening when they talk. I’m good at hearing what is said, but also what is not said. I’m good at being open and approachable so people tell me the truth, even the dark, deep, scary stuff they might not normally tell others.

So, if I already halfway sort of think of myself as a “leader” why do I want to do this course?

Because I think it would be fun. I think it would teach me more than I already know. I think I could benefit from it and be exposed to new things that I could use to be an even better person. It could give me new skills that I could use to continue to help build people up because that’s ultimately what I want to do. I want to help make other people succeed in what they’re trying to do.

I want to inspire my team. I want to encourage my coworkers. I want to be someone they trust and willing choose to follow rather than being forced to. It’s one of the reasons I love working with my FA so much. Over the past 10 or so months I have grown to respect her through all of our interactions. From her comment of “I’m not going to let you fail” to simple actions like emptying the bleach containers for me to the wage increase she didn’t have to ask for on my behalf. She does so much to show she cares about me as a worker. I feel safe and secure with her. We’ve talked about me becoming an RN and she’s shared parts of her own journey through the process.

She’s listened to me say, “I feel like I don’t have goals,” and then stated her own observations contradicting my comment. I might not have a specific title or position in mind, but I do have goals. I want to become a preceptor. I want to become a nurse so I can broaden my scope within the clinic and provide a deeper level of care for my patients.

She has encouraged me to step out and apply for things. She covered the floor while I was away at Academy so I could go in the first place. She took a bullet to let me have a win essentially. She didn’t have to go through two days of hell to send me to Dever, but she did because she felt like it was worthwhile to invest in me; that in the long run, it would make our team better, and it has. It will.

I don’t know where I’m going with this…

I guess to me a leader isn’t a leader simply because they are in a higher position in relation to everyone else. I didn’t lord over my students the fact that I knew more than them. I didn’t build myself up and boast that my scripts were used globally. I didn’t brag. I didn’t make myself to seem more than human. In fact, I didn’t really care about my accomplishments. It wasn’t about me. It was about them.

It was about showing them that while yeah, rigging is technical and there’s computer code and super scary shit like that, that it was still learnable and useful and even fun once you got over that fear. Once the fear was gone they went on to make amazing things. They found confidence in themselves and it was fulfilling to be part of that transformation.

Leadership isn’t about a single person. It’s about the team and the potential it has to achieve amazing, unimaginable things. All someone needs sometimes is to know that someone else believes in them, cares about them, is invested in them. Yeah, it’s a really big mountain, but you know what? If you want to climb it I’ll climb it with you, and when it gets hard I’ll be there to help you through it. And when you finally get to the top I’ll be there to give you an epic high five because you did it. You climbed it and that’s awesome. You’re awesome. All of those setbacks and worries and fears didn’t stop you. You got through them and you’re a badass and you proved it to yourself. Not to me because I knew you were a badass. I knew you could do this. You proved it to that evil little voice in your head that whispered or screamed that you couldn’t, that you shouldn’t, that it’s easier to not try than to fail.

That’s what leadership is to me. It’s about caring about others. It’s about having a “we” versus “me” mentality. It’s about caring about the whole more than yourself because together we achieve more.

I don’t know if that really answers anything for me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to cleanly write a rough draft for my essay or not, but I think it’s a good start.

“We” verse “me” seems like a good point. And the “together we achieve more”. Gah, who knew I would be freaking out over a simple, measly 500 word essay. >.<;

Musing Moment 118: Why are you taking this course?

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My CNA class started and so begins the homework assignments and study sessions. Since part of my course is online there are discussion forums where I need to post and reply to show class involvement.

This is the post I wrote for my introduction and answering the question of “Why?”

 

Greetings my fellow humans,

My name is Jennifer. I am an INFJ personality type on the Myers-Briggs scale and I recently moved to Nebraska; as of February this year. Before that, I lived in Orlando, so ask me in a few weeks if I still like the weather. : )

The question of “why are you taking this course?”, for me, is a bit tricky to answer. I suppose the easy answer is because I want to keep moving forward in my career. I have been employed with DaVita Dialysis for about a year and a half. I am currently working at the Beatrice clinic, but I frequently help cover shifts at the Lincoln, Omaha, and Fremont clinics as well. While I was in Orlando I worked in their downtown clinic.

My role is that of a Patient Care Technician. It’s fulfilling but I am limited in what I can do to help the nurses I work with. Becoming a CNA is a step towards LPN, which would allow me to work in a broader scope and provide more not only for my teammates but also for the patients under my care.

While that answer is real, it’s not the deep, dark, real answer; the one secreted away and hidden because it leaves you vulnerable and exposed on the emotional level.

In truth, this is my second career. I used to teach Computer Animation and Game Art at a college in Florida. I have taught students who have gone on to work at places like Dreamworks, Sony, and Microsoft. I have created computer scripts which are used globally by studios and I have a modest following on YouTube and Vimeo for tutorials I have created. I loved teaching and I still, to this day, receive messages from former students thanking me for my time. Life has its own plans for us, however, and we very often find ourselves facing situations we never thought we would.

Two and a half years ago my mother was hospitalized. We spent two weeks in and out of surgery. The doctors were confident in her recovery and we were scheduled to be discharged to a rehab center before being allowed to go back home. On April 4th, 2016 my mother suffered a pulmonary embolism. She did not recover. At the age of 27, I found myself the matriarch of my family as my youngest brother placed her mother’s ring into the palm of my hand.

Sitting in front of a computer for roughly 8 to 16 hours a day didn’t feel fulfilling anymore. Nothing did. I couldn’t go back to the life I had after all of the experiences I had gone through during those two weeks. The only reason I was able to survive the situation of my mother’s hospitalization and the aftermath of her death was because of the kindness and compassion I was given during that time of my life. I couldn’t keep living and not, in some way, give back.

I wanted to be able to help people survive their own dark times because I knew what it’s like to be faced with them and not know how you’re going to make it to the other side or if there even is an “other side” to make it to in the first place. I helped teach my class through a transition it was going through and then resigned from my position with the school, joining the ranks of the unemployed for roughly a year.

During that year I became EKG certified as well as a certified phlebotomist. I took a Nursing Assistant class, but never tested for state certification. A lot of that has to do with my own grief and struggling with the feelings of accomplishment and success, both of which had become painful experiences since mom was no longer there to call afterward and share the experience with. My mom was an RN and would have been ecstatic and that made it all the harder to do.

I had an extremely hard time getting my foot in the door of the medical field. Companies weren’t interested in me because I had no experience. It didn’t matter what awards I had gotten, what my previous accomplishments were. As far as medical, I was found lacking and often was passed over.

I wanted so badly to help others, and yet, I kept being told no. No. No. No. No. Until, finally, one day, I heard a “maybe”. I received a call from a DaVita recruiter. They wanted to know if I would be interested in shadowing at a clinic to see if dialysis was something I thought I could handle. After shadowing I had an interview where I was honest with the three Facility Administrators sitting across the table from me. I told them I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it, but that I wanted to try and all I could promise was I would do my best because in the end that’s all I can do; my best.

Almost two years later, I’m still with the company. I am an expert level cannulator and working towards becoming a Vascular Assess Manager. I will forever be grateful to DaVita for being the first company willing to give me a chance; for training me and giving me the opportunity to learn new skills and to make a difference in people’s lives.

Securing employment had been my main objective at that point in my life. Since I had accomplished that, obtaining CNA fell to the wayside. Funny how now it is one of the few requirements I need to keep moving forward. I suppose this is a moment of, “live and learn”.

Things are different now. I’ve had time to heal a bit more. I’ve had time to become adjusted to and confident in my new field. I’ve been given the space to meditate and to figure out what I want to do with this new phase of life and so to get to where I want to be I need to become an actual Certified Nursing Assistant.

A potential end goal is the possibility to get back into teaching. That particular direction would see me going back to school to become not only an LPN but also an RN with at least a BSN or even a MSN. I’m sure mom would do the happy dance if I went that far with my schooling. That is still yet to be determined, though, and with how drastically and suddenly life can change, I’m not holding myself to anything at the moment, but rather seeing what happens and what feels right at the time.

I know, for now, this is the direction that feels right and so here I am, and though this may be my second time taking a Nursing Assistant course, I know that this time will be different and I’m looking forward to having it be part of my journey.

Thanks for reading if you did. It was nice to finally be able to share this part of my story.