homework

Musing Moment 120: The Confusion of Leadership

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Written yesterday. Posted today since
I’m trying to catch back up with life.

 

 

This is going to be a rough and dirty post and I mean dirty as in more of a “word vomit” sort of way. Gross I know, but a lot of stuff has happened work wise and I want to get some of my thoughts at least out of my head and mildly figured out so I have something to think about while I go about the rest of my day.

I went to Academy for work and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually pretty cool and enjoyable for the most part. If given the choice to go back and do it again, I would.

When I got back I had an email saying I had already been picked for the second phase of the leadership course I want to take. That’s the essay part. I have two options to write about. I can explain my passion for leadership or I can write about why I want to move into a leadership role within the company.

Since I don’t really want to move into a leadership role, at least not at the moment, that leaves writing about my passion for leadership.

Queue the reason this is an issue and why I need to write through my thoughts…

I’m not really passionate about leadership…

No. Not leadership. I’m more passionate about leaders and this is why.

I’m passionate about the people who have taken their time and energy to help build me up. The amazing leaders I have interacted with helped me overcome challenges. They’ve inspired me to achieve things I didn’t think I could. They listened to me when I had doubts and brainstormed solutions with me that I wouldn’t have been able to find on my own. They’ve given me information to think about or provided resources for me to look into and then stepped back, giving me the space to find my own way. They watched as I climbed mountains and shared in my feelings of success and victory. They were part of the journey but never demanded credit or recognition for something they clearly had a large part in. They gained happiness out of seeing me succeed.

I feel like I already have several skills that make me a “leader”. I’m good at problem-solving. I’m good at being empathetic. I’m good at seeing not only the big picture but also all of the little steps it takes to get to the end goal. I’m good at organizing and making a roadmap to get to the desired destination. I’m good at seeing the potential in others and helping them see it as well. I’ve already been in “leadership” positions. I’m pretty decent at communicating with others and actually listening when they talk. I’m good at hearing what is said, but also what is not said. I’m good at being open and approachable so people tell me the truth, even the dark, deep, scary stuff they might not normally tell others.

So, if I already halfway sort of think of myself as a “leader” why do I want to do this course?

Because I think it would be fun. I think it would teach me more than I already know. I think I could benefit from it and be exposed to new things that I could use to be an even better person. It could give me new skills that I could use to continue to help build people up because that’s ultimately what I want to do. I want to help make other people succeed in what they’re trying to do.

I want to inspire my team. I want to encourage my coworkers. I want to be someone they trust and willing choose to follow rather than being forced to. It’s one of the reasons I love working with my FA so much. Over the past 10 or so months I have grown to respect her through all of our interactions. From her comment of “I’m not going to let you fail” to simple actions like emptying the bleach containers for me to the wage increase she didn’t have to ask for on my behalf. She does so much to show she cares about me as a worker. I feel safe and secure with her. We’ve talked about me becoming an RN and she’s shared parts of her own journey through the process.

She’s listened to me say, “I feel like I don’t have goals,” and then stated her own observations contradicting my comment. I might not have a specific title or position in mind, but I do have goals. I want to become a preceptor. I want to become a nurse so I can broaden my scope within the clinic and provide a deeper level of care for my patients.

She has encouraged me to step out and apply for things. She covered the floor while I was away at Academy so I could go in the first place. She took a bullet to let me have a win essentially. She didn’t have to go through two days of hell to send me to Dever, but she did because she felt like it was worthwhile to invest in me; that in the long run, it would make our team better, and it has. It will.

I don’t know where I’m going with this…

I guess to me a leader isn’t a leader simply because they are in a higher position in relation to everyone else. I didn’t lord over my students the fact that I knew more than them. I didn’t build myself up and boast that my scripts were used globally. I didn’t brag. I didn’t make myself to seem more than human. In fact, I didn’t really care about my accomplishments. It wasn’t about me. It was about them.

It was about showing them that while yeah, rigging is technical and there’s computer code and super scary shit like that, that it was still learnable and useful and even fun once you got over that fear. Once the fear was gone they went on to make amazing things. They found confidence in themselves and it was fulfilling to be part of that transformation.

Leadership isn’t about a single person. It’s about the team and the potential it has to achieve amazing, unimaginable things. All someone needs sometimes is to know that someone else believes in them, cares about them, is invested in them. Yeah, it’s a really big mountain, but you know what? If you want to climb it I’ll climb it with you, and when it gets hard I’ll be there to help you through it. And when you finally get to the top I’ll be there to give you an epic high five because you did it. You climbed it and that’s awesome. You’re awesome. All of those setbacks and worries and fears didn’t stop you. You got through them and you’re a badass and you proved it to yourself. Not to me because I knew you were a badass. I knew you could do this. You proved it to that evil little voice in your head that whispered or screamed that you couldn’t, that you shouldn’t, that it’s easier to not try than to fail.

That’s what leadership is to me. It’s about caring about others. It’s about having a “we” versus “me” mentality. It’s about caring about the whole more than yourself because together we achieve more.

I don’t know if that really answers anything for me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to cleanly write a rough draft for my essay or not, but I think it’s a good start.

“We” verse “me” seems like a good point. And the “together we achieve more”. Gah, who knew I would be freaking out over a simple, measly 500 word essay. >.<;

Musing Moment 118: Why are you taking this course?

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My CNA class started and so begins the homework assignments and study sessions. Since part of my course is online there are discussion forums where I need to post and reply to show class involvement.

This is the post I wrote for my introduction and answering the question of “Why?”

 

Greetings my fellow humans,

My name is Jennifer. I am an INFJ personality type on the Myers-Briggs scale and I recently moved to Nebraska; as of February this year. Before that, I lived in Orlando, so ask me in a few weeks if I still like the weather. : )

The question of “why are you taking this course?”, for me, is a bit tricky to answer. I suppose the easy answer is because I want to keep moving forward in my career. I have been employed with DaVita Dialysis for about a year and a half. I am currently working at the Beatrice clinic, but I frequently help cover shifts at the Lincoln, Omaha, and Fremont clinics as well. While I was in Orlando I worked in their downtown clinic.

My role is that of a Patient Care Technician. It’s fulfilling but I am limited in what I can do to help the nurses I work with. Becoming a CNA is a step towards LPN, which would allow me to work in a broader scope and provide more not only for my teammates but also for the patients under my care.

While that answer is real, it’s not the deep, dark, real answer; the one secreted away and hidden because it leaves you vulnerable and exposed on the emotional level.

In truth, this is my second career. I used to teach Computer Animation and Game Art at a college in Florida. I have taught students who have gone on to work at places like Dreamworks, Sony, and Microsoft. I have created computer scripts which are used globally by studios and I have a modest following on YouTube and Vimeo for tutorials I have created. I loved teaching and I still, to this day, receive messages from former students thanking me for my time. Life has its own plans for us, however, and we very often find ourselves facing situations we never thought we would.

Two and a half years ago my mother was hospitalized. We spent two weeks in and out of surgery. The doctors were confident in her recovery and we were scheduled to be discharged to a rehab center before being allowed to go back home. On April 4th, 2016 my mother suffered a pulmonary embolism. She did not recover. At the age of 27, I found myself the matriarch of my family as my youngest brother placed her mother’s ring into the palm of my hand.

Sitting in front of a computer for roughly 8 to 16 hours a day didn’t feel fulfilling anymore. Nothing did. I couldn’t go back to the life I had after all of the experiences I had gone through during those two weeks. The only reason I was able to survive the situation of my mother’s hospitalization and the aftermath of her death was because of the kindness and compassion I was given during that time of my life. I couldn’t keep living and not, in some way, give back.

I wanted to be able to help people survive their own dark times because I knew what it’s like to be faced with them and not know how you’re going to make it to the other side or if there even is an “other side” to make it to in the first place. I helped teach my class through a transition it was going through and then resigned from my position with the school, joining the ranks of the unemployed for roughly a year.

During that year I became EKG certified as well as a certified phlebotomist. I took a Nursing Assistant class, but never tested for state certification. A lot of that has to do with my own grief and struggling with the feelings of accomplishment and success, both of which had become painful experiences since mom was no longer there to call afterward and share the experience with. My mom was an RN and would have been ecstatic and that made it all the harder to do.

I had an extremely hard time getting my foot in the door of the medical field. Companies weren’t interested in me because I had no experience. It didn’t matter what awards I had gotten, what my previous accomplishments were. As far as medical, I was found lacking and often was passed over.

I wanted so badly to help others, and yet, I kept being told no. No. No. No. No. Until, finally, one day, I heard a “maybe”. I received a call from a DaVita recruiter. They wanted to know if I would be interested in shadowing at a clinic to see if dialysis was something I thought I could handle. After shadowing I had an interview where I was honest with the three Facility Administrators sitting across the table from me. I told them I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it, but that I wanted to try and all I could promise was I would do my best because in the end that’s all I can do; my best.

Almost two years later, I’m still with the company. I am an expert level cannulator and working towards becoming a Vascular Assess Manager. I will forever be grateful to DaVita for being the first company willing to give me a chance; for training me and giving me the opportunity to learn new skills and to make a difference in people’s lives.

Securing employment had been my main objective at that point in my life. Since I had accomplished that, obtaining CNA fell to the wayside. Funny how now it is one of the few requirements I need to keep moving forward. I suppose this is a moment of, “live and learn”.

Things are different now. I’ve had time to heal a bit more. I’ve had time to become adjusted to and confident in my new field. I’ve been given the space to meditate and to figure out what I want to do with this new phase of life and so to get to where I want to be I need to become an actual Certified Nursing Assistant.

A potential end goal is the possibility to get back into teaching. That particular direction would see me going back to school to become not only an LPN but also an RN with at least a BSN or even a MSN. I’m sure mom would do the happy dance if I went that far with my schooling. That is still yet to be determined, though, and with how drastically and suddenly life can change, I’m not holding myself to anything at the moment, but rather seeing what happens and what feels right at the time.

I know, for now, this is the direction that feels right and so here I am, and though this may be my second time taking a Nursing Assistant course, I know that this time will be different and I’m looking forward to having it be part of my journey.

Thanks for reading if you did. It was nice to finally be able to share this part of my story.