Daily Post 216: Rambling About Nothing Important

Hello Chromebook,

It’s been a while…

I started writing a letter to mom, but that got interrupted by an emergent phone call from work. It got me extra hours. I didn’t have to use PTO to meet my 40. That was nice. I got to go to the clinic where Jon is training and see him on the floor. He’s doing well. And that’s not just me being a proud sister. That’s me as an experienced tech evaluating someone who is in training. He’s going to be fine, just like I thought and hoped he would.

So many things have happened, dearest Chromebook. Life has been crazy. Not just with a pandemic and now rioting and such. Personal life has been in flux. Constantly changing, constantly something new to figure out or adjust to… On top of that, the weather has been miserable, cold, rainy, cloudy… It’s made things harder than they normally would or should have been.

For a while, I was off of Zoloft. Things were going well. I felt awesome. It was sunny. I felt like I could handle the few things that were going on. And then it changed and I wasn’t ok again. It was subtle at first. Then worse. Then worse. Then worse until even I had to admit that I wasn’t doing well and maybe going back onto the medication would be beneficial.

I’ve been on it for about five days. I think it’s already started to build up into my system. Things don’t seem as bad or hopeless. Thoughts of self-harm are no longer there. I’m sleeping better. I’m performing well at work again. And finally, it’s sunny and warm outside.

I know it hasn’t been much time. Maybe it’s all in my head and simply a change in my perspective, but regardless of what is or isn’t causing me to be more ok, I’m grateful for it. I’m still low energy today, but it’s not a day where I wake up in the negative and have to struggle and fight to convince myself that it’s worth the effort to accomplish even the most minor of tasks.

I have counseling in an hour. I’m going to have to use you, Chromebook, instead of my desktop. Ox has my beast since his computer is having issues.

I don’t mind. You accomplish the things that I need to do at the moment. D&D will be interesting, but I feel like we can accomplish it together.

Counseling hasn’t been very productive the past few times. Mostly because I haven’t been able to self-reflect and so I don’t know what I need or should be talking about; working through. The last session was better. I’m hoping for this one to be productive as well. I’ll be able to continue my counseling sessions even though I’m not taking any classes this summer. That was news I was grateful to receive.

Since my sessions are through a service provided by my school I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to continue having them. Not the case though.

The game plan is still to go back to school in the fall for the LPN program. A lot of that feels sort of nebulous, though. Things are changing at work. Our regional operations director left a few months back. A new person took his place. A lot of my mentors are leaving the company now. My FA said she doesn’t have a new job lined up and can’t leave until June 11th. That doesn’t mean she’s staying. There was no, “I’m not going anywhere.” Sometimes what’s not said is more important that what is said and I feel this is one of those times.

I’ve already talked to Jon.

Me: Would you be super pissed if I left the company?

That led to a pretty extensive conversation yesterday evening after I got home from work. One of the things I said was how most people quit their boss not their job. If my FA leaves and some super bitchy person gets hired into her position I don’t want to feel stuck. That’s why I didn’t use the financial assistance my work offered for school. I don’t want to be trapped in an environment that slowly kills me.

There’s a lot of “What ifs” in regards to work and I won’t know how any of it turns out for a while. Jon is supportive of me making the choices that are best of my own well being. I assured him if I left, I wouldn’t do so without having something else lined up; ideally something better.

So we’ll see how that goes. There’s a part of me that aches at the thought of leaving. What would happen to my patients? Who would take care of them? They’re the ones who are going to suffer the most if management and staff changes and that’s not fair to them.

For the moment I want to leave those issues alone. There’s nothing I can do about the future other than letting it happen. I have no intention of going anywhere at the moment, and though there are management positions open now, I don’t think I will pursue them. Not when everyone I care about is leaving those positions. They’re leaving because the positions no longer align with their core values. That doesn’t seem like something I would want to step into.

Ox and I are doing better. For a while, we weren’t, more because of me then because of anything he was or wasn’t doing. I suffered from a 6.5 kidney stone for three weeks. The average size is typically 4mm or smaller. Anything higher than that, the ER usually hospitalizes you for. Of course, I was stubborn as fuck and didn’t go to the ER… Choosing instead to writhing on my bedroom floor in agony while dry heaving so hard I couldn’t breathe.

That was a Saturday evening. By Tuesday when the stone hasn’t passed I went to my primary care doctor. We decided to give it more time to move on its own. When it hadn’t he referred me to a urologist. They took x-rays. It was close to passing. Hold out just a little longer… A week later and another x-ray… It hasn’t moved. Time for our next option… Fuck my life…

I was being scheduled for surgery when it finally passed. Throughout that time I had waves of pain that typically required hydrocodone to manage. Though I had a doctor’s note saying I should not return to work until my symptoms went away, the clinic was so short-staffed that I had to work multiple times during those three weeks. It was awful. I was miserable and everyone around me knew it.

Luckily, I didn’t have to have surgery. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to pee in my life. The stone was tested. Calcium oxalate. Basically, I need to drink more water. I knew I was doing poorly with eating and drinking. With all of the other crap going on at the time with Jon moving and work being crazy, I didn’t have much of an appetite. I didn’t want to drink water. The thought of foods and liquids made me nauseous. I didn’t want to do anything other than not be around people, but that wasn’t an option so I did the best I could.

Well… my body wasn’t ok with my best and created the spawn of Satan to show me its displeasure. This kidney stone made my first one look like child’s play. I never knew when waves of pain would come, so I was in constant fear and anxiety over going out to do anything. I didn’t want to drive because what if a wave of pain happened while I was behind the wheel? The pain was always worse at night and so most of the time I only had 30 minutes to an hour of sleep before having to go to work.

Thankfully, that phase is over. I’ve been doing better about drinking. Still having a hard time with food. Most of the time I eat a protein bar or something small. Things seem to sit heavier on my stomach lately and I don’t like that feeling.

Since I have been feeling a bit better health-wise, if not emotionally, Ox and I had date night this past Sunday. Things are beginning to open back up again so we were able to have a nice sit-down lunch at a local restaurant. That evening, we worked on a puzzle we’ve had for a while. We’re almost done with it. Ox and I have plans to go out this afternoon once he’s off work. We’ve slept next to each other a few nights this week. It’s been nice to be near him.

Things have been sort of crazy with the kids due to the pandemic. We’ve had them more than normal and that, along with everything else, also throws off the reassurance I get from our “normal” routines. We’re still not really sure what’s going to happen in that regard, but Ox and I are both making a conscious effort to invest a bit more time into “us”.

Jon and I are doing well. My dad received a bonus from work again. The first time he got hazard pay he sent it to me and Jon to help us out with the move and settling into the new apartment. He did the same again last night. Jon is letting me keep most of his share to catch up on the money he owes me. He was unemployed for about a month and then had to wait a while before he started getting paychecks. I covered most of his expenses during that time with the stimulus money Ox and I received.

Jon intends to pay me back, and this is a step towards that. It makes me feel better about covering for him. I wish all the other times I covered for people were like this. Where it was worth it and didn’t fuck me over.

The financial game plan has changed a little. Since the three of us, Ox, Jon, and me, are in this together, it makes sense to look at all of our situations. Jon’s car is just as close to being paid off as mine, yet his car payment is nearly twice as much. Currently, we’re planning on paying off his car first. The amount I help payoff he will then start paying towards my car, and once that is done, we’ll snowball it into Ox’s car. If there’s a second stimulus check we could have all three cars paid off in a year, giving all of us nearly $1000 extra dollars to work with each month.

It could be an amazing situation. That would help out significantly when I go back to school and potentially cut my hours down to part-time. It’s another situation of waiting and seeing how everything lines up.

Financially, other things are going alright. I finally switched my phone over to StraightTalk which saves me $30 a month on my phone bill. Car insurance has been super cheap since my company has reimbursed part of my payments for the past two months. With people staying home and not driving as much, there haven’t been as many accidents and claims filed. My company is passing those savings onto its customers. I think that’s pretty awesome of them.

I received roughly $500 from my old apartment. That’s the security deposit and a bit of rent for the month since someone moved in during May.

While all of this money sounds awesome. I’ve been spending some of it so I don’t have millions of dollars sitting in my account. I’ve bought stuff for the kittens. A litter mat that they can’t chew on, a water fountain, cat dishes so they don’t have to get out of my plastic food containers anymore. I got a new shower curtain since I painted the bathroom; Summer Dragonfly. It’s the same color I had in Orlando. It makes a part of my brain happy seeing it. I am looking forward to painting the bedroom and getting blackout curtains so I can sleep in darkness once again.

I got a new phone case which I love. It’s a bright teal color. I don’t know why that color brings me peace but it does. I love holding the case in my hand and just… holding that color.

I signed up for a Spartan race… or rather… I spent $90 on gear and have a passcode that will allow me to sign up for a race between now and December of next year. I haven’t trained for so long. I know I’m nowhere near where I was. I’ve started doing yoga as a way to try to get back into the swing of things. Stretching has been nice. It took me nearly all of the first session to get my heels to touch the ground during downward dog, but I got there. The second session was better. I could go deeper into the stretches and it didn’t take my muscles as long to loosen up.

I think I’m all done writing for now, Chromebook. I know there’s so much more to work through, talk about, figure out, but I’m sort of done for now. Thanks for letting me talk about nothing important.

Oh! And here’s a picture of Dagger, ruining date night with his cuteness.

Tiny Tiger Demands Attention

Letters to Mom 027: Gloves

Mom, I really need to talk to you. Of all of the things I haven’t written to you about, I’m ashamed that I need your insight over gloves.

The thing that pushes me to write and reach out to you isn’t passing my first semester of nursing school. It’s not to let you know that I was diagnosed with cancer, or that I had surgery, or that I’m recovering well enough though I still give myself shit for “not being better”.

No. It’s nothing all that important in the grand scheme of things, but it’s a pivotal point in my life; maybe my career. It might make my life hell for the next forever and though I feel I did the right thing, though I’ve talked to several people who agree I did the right thing, it’s you who I want to say those words.

Fuck my life, mom. Fuck my sense of justice and integrity. I couldn’t just let this go and now I might have ruined everything.

Today as we were leaving work, the RN I was working with took a handful of gloves.

RN: I need to stop for gas on the way home. Have to stay safe out there.

I watched her take the gloves. I didn’t try to stop her. I didn’t say anything about, “You shouldn’t take those.” I did nothing except let it happen.

I was so bothered by it though. We’re in a pandemic and you’re going to take supplies meant to provide care for our patients and use them to pump gas? That’s not right. None of that is right.

I was so conflicted, mom. I still am. I called Ox and I told him what had happened and that I didn’t know what to do. This is the RN who had an issue with me coloring during my downtime at work. Was I bothered simply because I wanted to retaliate?

No… I was bothered because we as employees of our company signed a contract saying we wouldn’t take work supplies for personal use. That’s theft. It doesn’t matter that it was gloves. It could have been anything. A handful of paper towels. Masks. Hand sanitizer. It could have been anything that the company ordered for the clinic.

Our supplies are meant for the clinic, not for you. If you want to use gloves while you pump gas then go buy a box of gloves from the store like every other person who doesn’t work in the health care field has to do. That’s why I go out and buy my own page protectors from Office Depot rather than taking a pack from the stash at work.

Could I? Yes. Do I? No, because I said I wouldn’t.

Ox encouraged me to reach out to my FA. Maybe the RN had spoken to her about taking a few gloves. Maybe there was more to the situation I didn’t know about. That was a valid point. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

So I called. I asked if anyone on our team as asked to use work supplies for personal matters.

FA: What do you mean?

Fuuuuuuuck…

So I explained the situation.

FA: No. No one talked to me about that. This is an issue. We can’t have this happening.

There is going to be a message sent to all of us at the clinic in regards to supplies. The RN is going to know it’s me. My FA said she was going to talk to the RN directly as well. I guess that’s already happened since the RN tried to call me. I didn’t answer… most likely not helping my situation… That’s a problem for future me.

I can already hear Future Me bitching…

Present Me: You’re welcome. : D

I work with her Monday, mom. I’m dreading it and it’s only 7 pm. I’ve been off work for three hours and I’m already so ready to not go to work I’ve thought about quitting so I don’t have to be alone with this person.

I talked to dad, asking for his perspective as a manager. I’ve talked to Allison about it, too, since she was a high-level manager for a while.

They both feel I did the right thing for the right reasons. My FA is paid way more than me to take in information like this and to choose the best course of action. I am not responsible for what my FA does with the information. I am not responsible for how my coworker reacts to my FA’s choices.

But I work with her, mom. I might have just fucked everything up. Over gloves…

But it’s not the gloves that are the issue. The core of this whole thing is that taking something that isn’t yours is wrong. She wouldn’t have taken the gloves if she had been working with my FA instead of me, so why was it ok today? If I would have gotten in trouble for it, why would she think she’s above the same expectations? Is it because I’m just a PCT? Because I never say anything? Because I wouldn’t “snitch”?

Is this snitching? We’re in a pandemic and supplies are back-ordered and we don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and you’re taking the supplies we need for our patients. You’re stealing from our patients. We NEED those supplies to ensure we maintain proper infection control during their procedures. What happens if gloves become an issue?

Should the pandemic thing even matter? At the root of it all, you said you wouldn’t take supplies and you did. You lied. You stole.

As employees of the company, we are mandated reporters for stuff like this. If it had been found out that this happened, and I knew about it, and I didn’t do anything or report it, I’m not exempt from consequences. If someone saw me doing something wrong, they are expected, mandated, to report it.

“It’s just gloves.”

That’s what keeps going on inside my head right now, mom. It’s just gloves. I get it. It can seem dumb when you focus on the object rather than the action. It was theft. Blatant. Intentional. As if I didn’t matter; didn’t exist. As if my words wouldn’t invoke reactions and consequences. As if my own moral character didn’t matter.

My life is going to suck at work for the next forever, mom. She’s going to out for blood. Everything I do is going to be wrong. Every break I take. Every time I step off the floor. Everything I do is going to have a flaw in her eyes.

It was the right choice for my peace of mind. It was the wrong choice if I wanted an easy life.

I guess that’s something… There are all sorts of quotes about the “right thing” being hard.

Right now I don’t feel like I have the inner resolve I need to be ok with my choice. I know it was the right one to make; more for myself than anything. Stealing is wrong. I couldn’t not say something regardless of what the item was and be ok with myself.

But actions of reactions. The reaction to my action of informing is that I have made my coworker’s life harder and she, in turn, is going to be resentful and potentially take it out on me by fostering a negative work environment while we’re together.

That is the consequence of the choice I made.

So I guess that’s where my issue comes in; where my resolve falters. This is where the confusion is and so maybe I don’t have the words I want or need to express it right.

Why am I worried about how she’s going to act? She can act however she wants. Am I going to let her attitude change wanting to be at MY clinic? Am I going to let her mess with my own attitude? Am I going to give her power over my emotions? Does she deserve that power?

No. No one does. My emotions are my own. I may not control them, but I exist with them, alongside them, and if I take the time to understand them, sometimes I can persuade them to change and to see another perspective.

I remained true to myself and to my own standards which happen to be in line with the company’s core values and our code of conduct.

I DID do the right thing.

Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing.

I don’t know, mom. I don’t think I really figured anything out, but I don’t feel as anxious anymore. I’m not as worried about Monday. I’m not as worried about her life or how I may or may not have messed it up.

Stealing is wrong. It doesn’t matter that it was gloves. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t a whole box of gloves. Either you’re allowed to take them or you’re not. There isn’t a gray area. There aren’t situational exceptions here. That’s one of the positive things about policies and procedures. They remove the gray, nebulous, opinion-based judgement calls. They make things black and white, for better or for worse. They give us something to use as a standard for ethical and professional behavior.

I know I did the right thing, mom. Now to fight the good fight; the one in my head. I’m not going to back down from my choice to inform. If I did the morally right thing then I have nothing to be ashamed of or regret.

Daily Post 191: Pre-D&D

Not 100% proof read. My bad.
Didn’t want to be late for D&D <3

The past few days have been eventful and productive.

Monday went well. Work was decent. Nothing overly exciting happened. I used timers on my phone to work in time to color instead of taking as many smoke breaks. It seemed to work well and something I will continue trying to do.

Monday night went well. I wrote and posted. I did dishes. Ox came over once he was at a stopping point with WoW. I cooked us dinner before we started plucking away at our D&D characters. Dinner wasn’t anything fancy. Just some burger patties. I added mushrooms and onions with pepper jack cheese to mine. Tasty and filling.

This is the first foray into character creation that Ox and I have done by ourselves. When I’ve made characters before I’ve always had someone more experienced guiding me through the process. From a psychological aspect, I can make a fairly solid personality and backstory for a character, but figuring out stats and proficiencies, and traits, and spells or abilities and items, and alignment, and, and, and, and…

It can get daunting pretty fast when you look at the entire task rather than breaking it down into smaller, manageable pieces. It didn’t help that with the D&D Beyond website, my class isn’t listed because it’s not a “standard” class. Of course, cat people wouldn’t be standard… bastards…

Around 10 pm I was tired enough to call it quits. Ox stayed up significantly later, until close to 1 am, working on both our characters. Not only did he figure his out, he also went into the “homebrew” section and created a race specifically for my character that we could use with the D&D Beyond system.

That’s what I woke up to Tuesday morning. I sat down at my laptop to begin typing up my notes for my sociology class and got distracted by investigating the D&D pages left open on my browser. I can’t put into words how touched I was. He took the time to create something specifically for me. It was something I didn’t have to worry about figuring out anymore. It was already done. At least for the most part. All of the information was in there. I dinked around with it for a bit and was able to fine-tune things so modifiers showed up in the right spots and such. But a majority of the leg work had already been done and that was an amazing gift.

I spend about 30 minutes absorbed in D&D stuff. Eventually, I began working on my notes. I showered and got ready for class. I packed up my things then headed into town. I stopped at Walgreens for a refill of my Zoloft. There wasn’t a copay this time, so that was another nice surprise.

I went to school. I got there early so I kept typing up my notes. The class wasn’t all that awesome. We mostly talked about how to properly cite sources in APA format. We talked about “success in college”. That was mildly interesting since we delved into studies and statistics and research. It wasn’t just “take my word for it” BS, but rather scientifically verified things.

Interestingly enough, standardized testing isn’t a very good indicator of success in college. I liked seeing that, actually. For a while, I’ve felt that tests aren’t a true measure of a person’s ability. They’re only one aspect of a much more complex situation.

Towards the end, we starting talking about critical thinking skills, which again, was interesting, but overall I felt like I didn’t gain a lot of information or insight from this particular class session.

After class, I went to Hi-Way Diner. I finished up with most of my notes; formatting the text and such. That helped fill the time while I waited for Ox to get there from work. We ate. I looked at my finances. I’m pretty tight on money right now but I think we’ll be ok.

We went to Costco for water since I’ve been going through it like crazy. I’ve been running warm recently. I’ve been leaving the heat off and opening the window in the bedroom at night so it feels cool enough to let me sleep. I haven’t had a fever, so I have that going in my favor.

I didn’t have a lot of energy for most of Tuesday. Staying up late was the main reason I think. Eating lunch didn’t help give me energy, so once we were done with Costco I was pretty much done with everything. All I wanted was to go home and take a nap.

Ox stopped at the gas station near home and got me a small carton of heavy cream since I needed that for one of my meals. He carried the water into the apartment for me, too, because he’s awesome like that. Once he left I crawled under my weighted blanket and slept for roughly three hours. I woke up feeling better and able to continue plucking away at the to-do I had created in the morning.

I cooked both my meals. I tried making the creamy chicken pasta again. Instead of zoodles, I used cauliflower rice. It’s good, but still a little on the bland side. I’m not sure what would help spice it up. Maybe a tablespoon of Italian seasoning or something along those lines. The recipe has a very soft, subtle flavor and I like my food to be bolder.

I went over to the house around 5:30. Ox and I kept working on our D&D characters. We had dinner with his parents. Steaks with side-salad. No complaints.

I think it was around 9:30 or 10 that we wrapped things up with the characters. I emailed our sheets to the DM so he could have them for Wednesday evening. Ox and I trekked back to the apartment and went to bed together.

He woke up this morning for work. I stayed in bed, once again foregoing the 5:30 am class I had thought I was interested in.

I started my day around 7:30. I had breakfast then went to sit down at my laptop only to realize I had left my backpack at the house. That had me trudging out into the snow that wasn’t supposed to have been falling, to the car, driving to the house, picking up my backpack as Papa Ox snickered at me, driving back to the apartment, to finally begin the day as I had intended. Sans breakfast though since I had foolishly heated up a container of chicken then left it unattended with the kittens… Yeah… totally didn’t get to eat half of my breakfast because of that.

I went through my “in” pile since that’s been building up. I paid all of the medical bills I’ve received so far using my HSA account. That thing has been a life saver. I don’t know what I would be doing without it since I’ve paid almost 1k in medical expenses so far.

I put the laundry away since I had washed and dried it last night while I was at the house. I cleaned the litter box. I washed dishes. I typed up the last bit of my notes, so I’m caught up in that regard. I printed out the D&D sheets for Ox and I to use tonight. That had me fighting with the printer for a while and I still didn’t get it 100% right. I really do dislike this printer. >.<; It should not have taken half the effort it did to print those sheets.

I eventually showered and got dressed. I packed for the gym so I could bike after I was done at school. I drove into town. The roads weren’t bad, but they weren’t perfect either. The snow was starting to stick and certain spots were slick. There was an accident right where I needed to turn to get into the college. That had me running a little late, but at least it looked like a fender bender rather than anything super bad.

Counseling went well. We talked pretty extensively about my past week and my feelings regarding it. I talked about how I’ve been productive and writing more, using my to-do lists as a way to keep myself on track and to remember everything I was able to get accomplished.

We talked about how I felt like at least part of it was coming from the medications. Part of the productivity might be the Synthroid. Having energy after work is unheard of for me, not that I’m necessarily complaining. Just noting that it’s not “normal” for me. The energy hasn’t been interfering with my sleep. I’m able to go to bed at decent times and sleep deeply enough to feel resting, so there’s that. More energy, but not so much more that it’s fucking with my life.

I mentioned how I think sleeping well is factoring into my new found “ok” feeling. I get restorative deep sleep and I think the weighted blanket has something to do with that. I also think having slower, less crazy days factors into that. Taking time for self-care is also affecting things I believe.

The Zoloft may be keeping my depression in check, which I said was a bit disheartening, however, knowing how hard last winter was for me, I’m not ready to try discontinuing it. Maybe it’s the crutch I need while I rebuild all of the habits that help me be ok on my own.

I mentioned how I was going to wait until the weather started warming up and the days were sunnier; most likely towards the end of March. Spring-ish. That’s when I want to see about backing off of the Zoloft. Right now I would rather keep doing well and feeling well about my days than going back to feeling sad and tired all the time.

We talked about my Wellness Assessment at the gym and my workout on Sunday. We talked about my feelings regarding my new baseline and my plans in regards to the gym. I mentioned how at first I had put on my schedule to go to classes early in the morning, but at the moment that wasn’t working for me. I enjoy my mornings at the apartment too much to want to give them up. I like being about to have a slow start to the morning, enjoying my breakfast, doing chores, making my to-do list, actually sleeping until I’m ready to wake up…

I don’t want to give that up just to take a class at 5:30 in the morning that I’m physically not able to complete. I know I can’t do an hour’s worth of cardio yet. I’m not recovered enough for that. It seems to be working better to go to the gym on my own and to do what I want for as long as I want and to be happy and content with that.

We also talked about the upcoming D&D meet this evening, how Ox and facilitated a lot of it, and how in general, he and I are doing really well. We’ve been doing more things together. Intentionally interacting rather than mutually ignoring each other while we’re in the room together. Not that I mind moments like that. I enjoy cross-stitching next to him on the bed while he plays WoW. Honestly, I do. But if that’s the only interaction we have, it can lead to feeling disconnected.

By doing more things together, I can enjoy the times we’re together in solitude and I can enjoy my actual alone time because I have these other moments of connectedness. It’s all about balance and I think we’re finding a better one for us now that things are settling down.

So yeah. Counseling was a good session. We’re going to continue to monitor how the coming week goes and check back in, a bit more indepth, about my feelings regarding the medication issues.

After counseling, Ox sent me a picture of my car, showing that he was in the school parking lot. I went out and had a cigarette with him. I still had to figure out my references for the report assignment in my class, so I didn’t want to leave campus yet. I did want to take advantage of his surprise visit though and see him for a few minutes while I could.

It was a nice transition from counseling to school tasks. I got a hug which almost always makes things better.

He drove me back up to the front of the school so I didn’t have to track back through the snow to get there. I set up camp in one of the booths across from the cafeteria and plucked away at finding decent sources for my paper. I found 7 that I’m thinking about using. I only have to turn in four for the assignment tomorrow. Every extra source I use is extra points. I would rather have too many sources and not use all of them then realize I don’t have enough information to answer all of the questions in the paper.

So yeah, that took about two hours to shift through. I filled out the sheet with all of my reference information that’s’ due for class tomorrow. I’m content with the progress I made in the realm of school for today, so I’m done with that area of my life for the moment.

I went to the gym again. I biked for 30 minutes this time. Got to 5.64 miles and made it to gear six, which is one higher than Sunday. I started to feel my incision, which is where I decided to back off, do a bit of a cool down, then call it quits for today.

I did better than last time, so it was a good workout in my book. I actually worked up a sweat this time. It felt good. I’m happy with my effort.

And now I’m back at the apartment, writing, before taking another shower and heading out to D&D like the nerd I am. I’m looking forward to it. I think we’re all going to be chipping in for pizza. I hope it’s a good night. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. : 3

Daily Post 189: Post-Op and Work

I still have a ways to go to catch up on everything that’s happened post-surgery.

I left off last with dropping my dad off at the airport. I went to school. I turned in the makeup work for the previous Thursday. I got all of the other information I missed. Nothing overly exciting or special. I still had the dressing over my incision so I was pretty self-conscious about being out in public.

Later in the day, I had my post-op appointment. I got to see the surgeon again. He explained that the pathology had come back. Cancer cells were found in my lymph nodes so he recommended that I receive a radioactive iodine treatment.

That wasn’t the news I was hoping to hear. I wanted to be told that this chapter in my life was over. Cancer had lost the war. I could move on with figuring out my new normal. Surgery was supposed to have prevented me from needing additional things. But no. Now I had to call my brothers and tell them it wasn’t over. I was going to have to go back to work and tell that to my coworkers. To my patients.

I still have cancer.

The PA took the dressing off my incision. She said it looked really good. I don’t have a lot of experience with incisions so I wouldn’t know. When we left the office I stopped at one of the restrooms so I could see it. It was the first time I had seen it. The first time looking at my new reflection.

Ox held me while I cried in front of the elevators. While I verbally vomited all of my anger and frustration. We were supposed to be done. How am I supposed to afford a three-day hospital stay and everything that is going to go along with this next step?

He said we would figure it out and he continued to hold me until I was ok enough to leave, going back out into the world to do things.

We stopped at the hospital while we were there. I got to deliver the thank you cards I had written for the team that took care of me. It felt good. I hope the cards got to everyone.

Wednesday I had counseling. I got to explain how the week with my dad went. I got to talk about my feelings regarding my post-op appointment. I don’t think a lot of anything else happened that day.

Thursday was another school day. The weather was pretty crappy so I left early, getting to school at 8 am for my 9:30 class. Around 9:15 a woman came in and asked me and the other student who was present if we were the Intro to Sociology class. I said yes, we were.

Woman: Due to the weather your instructor won’t be able to be here today. Your class is canceled.

Sort of sucked to have driven all the way into town for nothing, but hey… I didn’t have class. I called Ox and asked him if he wanted me to pick up anything from the store before going home. He said no and told me to drive safely.

I made it back to the apartment. I don’t remember what I did… Maybe I was cross-stitching or doing random odds and ends. Either way… imagine my surprise when I get a notification from my Canvas app telling me that I was marked absent from school…

Fuuuuucccckkk…. my life…

I sent a message to the instructor explaining how I had been told class was canceled. Had there been a miscommunication? I left it at that, mildly contemplating if I should just go ahead and withdraw from the course. I mean… was it really worth all of the stress when I had so many other things still going on in my life?

I decided to wait on making a decision until I heard back from my instructor. If I was penalized for believing a school official’s word then I would peace out in a heartbeat. Fuck that shit. I have better things to do with my time. I stayed pretty aggravated over the issue for a while since I never got a reply to my message.

Friday was my first day back at work. It was pretty brutal even though the day itself was smooth in comparison to most of my “normal” days. I still got tired easily. I had to sit down a lot. I thought about saying that I wasn’t ready to come back to work yet and that we needed to find coverage for my Saturday shift.

I didn’t, though. Not sure if that was smart or not, but I went to work Saturday. It went better. Still a little under the weather, but I made it through and I was proud of myself for it.

Ox and I were supposed to go into town Sunday but we ended up staying at home instead. I was grateful to not go anywhere. I was tired. Most likely from work taking so much out of me. Sunday ended up being a day of recovery since I had work again Monday.

Monday went well. Better than my first two days back. Even my RN mentioned how I was on point and kept jumping from one thing to the next to the next. In my defense, things just happened to be spaced out that once I was pretty much done with one event I was able to move seamlessly to the next thing. It’s not like I was trying to work extra hard or fast or anything. There happened to be a flow and I stayed with it. I didn’t feel overly tired. I didn’t have to take as many breaks to sit down and catch my breath. It was a good day and it made me hopeful that my days would continue getting better as my incision healed.

So that’s another week caught up on. I’m sure I’m leaving out details here and there, but those are the major points from that week. Mostly that I found out the Cancer Saga isn’t over, becoming acquainted with my new self, and going back to work.

Musing Moments 140: Pre-Consultation Writing

At the moment I’m trying to keep up with my life and figure out my emotions so please bear with me. It’s going to take some time and effort to sort through everything, and it begins with these initial writings.

Written Wednesday, November 27th.

The past few weeks/months have been a bit of a ride, medically speaking. And in true “Jen” fashion, I haven’t been keeping up with writing or checking in with myself, so this is going to be a huge “catch up” post in a relatively short amount of time since I have to leave soon for an appointment.

It started with my yearly checkup for work insurance purposes. My primary care physician thought my thyroid was swollen. She ordered lab work to be done and said even if my levels came back fine, because of my family’s history with thyroid issues, she would like for me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid done.

That took me to an endocrinologist who ordered yet more lab work and got me set up for an ultrasound at one of the hospitals here in Lincoln. I went to the ultrasound alone. In hindsight, that most likely wasn’t the smartest option. At the time I wasn’t worried about it. It was a non-invasive procedure. Nothing to worry about, right?

Wrong. Very, very wrong.

Being in a hospital again, laying down on a table and having medical staff doing things to me brought back all sorts of emotions from when mom was in the hospital. It didn’t matter that it was three years later. It didn’t matter that it was me and not her. It didn’t matter that it was a non-invasive procedure or even that the two hospitals were totally different and that it was a billion degrees outside in Vegas all those years ago while here it was borderline snowing.

None of those facts, none of that information, mattered. All of the hurt and loss and loneliness and vulnerability simmered at the edges of my mind as I checked in for my appointment and only grew the longer I was there, the further my procedure went.

I held my emotional shit together long enough to make it back to the car and to call Ox before completely breaking down. I sobbed into the phone for I don’t know how long, terrified. I was terrified of having to go back to the hospital. I was terrified of having to be ok enough to drive home. I was terrified of losing everything that I had fought for in the three years since mom died. And as stupid as it sounds, I was terrified of losing mom again. I was terrified of being alone and facing all of these intangible things by myself because how do you fight things you can’t see or touch or feel?

I was scared and hurt and alone and the only thing I could do was cry alone in my car, clinging to my phone as if Ox were my life support getting me through the overwhelming crush of my emotional tidal wave.

Eventually, after listening to his voice and talking and lots of crying, I was ok enough to drive home. The only thing there was for me to do at the point was wait to be called with the results of the ultrasound.

The results came back early the next week. There was a nodule on the right side of my thyroid. Since we didn’t know what it was they wanted me to schedule a biopsy. You know… because poking at random, unknown things inside your body with needles is a great idea… said no one ever.

I had the biopsy. I still feel like I got punched in the throat. Ox was there with me for that procedure and I faired better emotionally, most likely because he was there to help keep me grounded and outside of my head.

I got a call Monday evening from my endocrinologist herself. She took the time to call me personally, after hours, to deliver the results of said biopsy.

The nodule is positive for cancer.

Yeah…

You read that sentence correctly.

I have thyroid cancer.

I was blindsided by her statement. I wasn’t expecting cancer. Maybe a benign tumor because my T levels kept coming back fine… but cancer? Fucking cancer…?

Do you realize what this means for me?

Do you realize that I now have to call my brothers and tell them I have cancer only three and a half years after mom died? Do you realize how many people I have to inform, personally, because this isn’t something that I can make a post about on Facebook?

Me: “Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know I have cancer. Oh! And here’s a picture of a cat. K. Bye. : D”

I know mom had thyroid cancer before I was born and was able to take daily medication and still live an extremely full life. I know logically that as far as bad news goes, getting thyroid cancer is pretty much the best bad news you can get.

That hasn’t stopped me from having nightmares about it. That hasn’t stopped any of the emotional reactions that I’ve had. That hasn’t changed the fact that I realized, finally, why I can’t fight that evil voice in my head when it starts giving me shit and telling me that I’m a failure.

I know I’m not a failure. I doing well in nursing school. I’m doing well at work. I’m still making ends meet, if just bearly, financially. But when it started saying “You’re a failure,” shortly after having to schedule the biopsy, I couldn’t figure out why it felt true. I know it’s not true, so why does it feel that way?

I realized it’s because unconsciously one of my biggest goals since mom died has been to be healthy enough, stable enough, for my brothers to not have to worry about me. Looking at it objectively, that’s a fairly unrealistic goal. Regardless of it being realistic or not, it was my goal and I failed to achieve it, since now I have cancer and all of this medical shit on the horizon, and so I’m a failure.

Right now, I’m waiting to go into town with Ox to have my consultation with the surgeon. I’m waiting to figure out where and when I will have part of my body removed. I’m waiting to tell everyone in my life what the next steps will be and when.

I’m waiting.

I’m not good at waiting and underneath everything else I have going on in my life is the fact that even though we did everything right with mom, even though we followed all the steps the way we were told, we still lost.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to meet with the surgeon. I don’t want to have surgery. I don’t want to have to figure all of this out and how to pay for it and how to not fuck up shit at work and put more stress on my team.

I don’t want to do this.

Not only do I not want to do this. I don’t want to do it alone. Last night while I was alone for a little bit I started crying as I laid in bed with the kittens. I started talking to mom. I told her I missed her and that I wanted to come home and be with her. I know she went through this exact thing, but I never got to talk to her about it. I don’t know what she felt or experienced. I don’t know what post-surgery was like for her. I never thought of mom as a cancer survivor, but she was. Was she scared when she found out? Did she cry? Did she feel alone? Did she struggle with wondering if she would be less human after the surgery because part of her was missing?

I want her to hold me and to tell me it will be ok.

I know it will be. It will be as ok as it can be, at least. Ox will be there. My dad offered to be there. So many people have been supportive and understanding. Apparently, a lot of people in my life think I’m a badass and that I’ll kick Kevin’s ass. I was told to name my cancer to make it more real, more tangible, then referring to it as “thyroid cancer”.

Sorry for any Kevin’s out there who may take offense to me using your name. It was a random name thrown out there by Mother Earth and so it has stuck.

I don’t feel like a badass. I feel scared and vulnerable and alone all over again and all I can think of is how I’m going to look so much like mom, in a hospital gown, in a hospital bed, completely out of it from the anesthetics… I can’t have my brothers there. I can’t put them through that again. I wasn’t supposed to put them through this. I was supposed to be ok.

I want to say I can’t do this. I want to give up and tell Life that it wins and this joke isn’t funny and I’m ready to go home and not play this shitty game.

I’ve been freaking out over the next semester of nursing school since the third week of this semester. How am I supposed to go through a surgery that’s going to fuck with my hormone levels and leave me tired and still go to school three days a week and work full time and still figure out laundry and dishes and meals and bills… I just want to say fuck it to everything.

I want to hide away under the blankets in my darkened room with the kittens and pretend that the bad things don’t exist and they can’t get me and I’m not hurting the people I love the most.

I don’t want to do this, but I have to. I have to try to be ok because I have too much debt to die now. I have too many people who care about me to not have this surgery. I have too many conversations I want to have with people I love. Too many goals at work that I haven’t reached yet. Too many things Ox and I haven’t done.

I don’t want to do this but I’m going to because fuck Kevin. He doesn’t get to control my life. Fuck you, Kevin. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I’m angry at you for making me drag everyone in my life through this. This isn’t fair. Three years isn’t long enough. We aren’t recovered enough to go through this all over again. Fuck you, you inconsiderate asshole.

At the same time, thank you. Thank you for not being terminal. Thank you for being treatable. Thank you for not spreading or destroying my entire life. You’re an asshole and I’m still angry at you, but thank you for not being worse than what you are.

Please be with me, mom. Please don’t let me go through this without you. I love you. I miss you. I need you. Please help me, mom. Please be here with me so I can do this.

Daily Post 174: Small Steps

I’m going to try to make this a quick writing since it’s already almost 11 pm. I don’t have work tomorrow, but I am trying to stay on a decent sleep schedule, so staying up much later wouldn’t be a good idea.

I’ve been doing pretty alright this week. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve only worked Monday so far. Tuesday was school. Today was a day off. Tomorrow will be a day off as well.

So much time off… it’s almost like I’m unemployed. Only halfway joking… After spending so long working so much my brain can’t wrap around this whole “not being at work” thing. I’m completely soaking it all in, though.

I got a 91 on my first exam. Not super awesome, but not shabby either. I’m waiting to hear back as to what questions I missed. I got a fair amount of studying done this morning. That was a good feeling along with doing chores and feeling like my life is starting to get mildly under control again.

Ox and I met in town for lunch. We went to Costco to put gas in both cars. From there we went to Office Max so I could get printer ink and a hole puncher. I’ve been doing better about making to-do lists. I even went as far as to make my own custom to-do list sheets in Google’s Sheets app.

I like them. There’s color. I have my daily, repeating tasks on there so I don’t have to write them by hand over and over and over. It makes a part of my brain happy. Tonight I finished working on the weekly sheets and monthly sheets. Those are most likely going to need a bit more tweeking, but it’s a good start.

After Office Max we headed back to Costco since most of the things we wanted to get were meats or frozen things. Ox got me a Ninja Foodi while we were there. : x

It’s expensive. At least, to me it’s expensive. I totally didn’t need to have it. I was doing just fine cooking meals without it. But holy fuck does it open up so many more things for me to do. I could cook my very own chicken, without having to get a rotisserie. I can try all of those instant pot recipes I keep seeing. I cannot wait for it to be next week so I can meal plan again.

I feel irresponsible and yet adult-ish at the same time. That was money we could have spent on debt. But I have a toy that can help make my life easier. It’s confusing. I like it. I want to use it. I want to make awesome meals for everyone with it. Awesome healthy meals in line with everyone’s goals.

Speaking of… I tried a new recipe tonight. I found it while I was looking for keto recipes during one of my breaks Tuesday. It seemed promising and it was. Super simple and well liked by everyone. I’ll definitely be making it again.

Other than that… I had to get stabbed three different times today. School is requiring that I get boosters for my vaccinations. Lame. The RN was super nice, though. I’m going to go through my papers and find the immunization forms that I have so those can be added into my medical file since none of them are there for some reason. Glad I have those from mom. Maybe they’ll prevent me from having to get more needles jabbed into my arms.

Ox and I have been doing really well with the Darebee exercises. That was one of the things I wanted to try to do as a goal for my 30-day Push thing. The only downside with that… Ox is his own person and if he wasn’t on board with doing this with me, then I’m sort of set up for failure at the get-go. You can’t control anyone other than yourself, so making a goal that depends or is co-dependant on someone else isn’t a smart move.

He and I talked about it and so far, like I said, we’re doing well. I haven’t been making it to the gym like I was hoping I would. I’ve been really productive and I don’t feel bad about how I’ve spent my time. Maybe I need to reevaluate some of the goals so they’re more realistic. I’m happy that the Darebee goal is going well. That’s still taking steps in the forward direction. It’s 10 minutes, roughly, each day that we’re both doing something together. We don’t have a team name yet. Hopefully we come up with something badass. We also have our “theme song”. At least, that’s what it feels like. We’ve used the same song for the past three workouts. It works though. Good pace, good rhythm. You can’t argue good.

I think I’m going to go for now. It’s getting later and later as I sit and type this. General conclusion, it was a good day. Dinner was awesome. I got to cross stitch afterwards. I started watching Black Clover with Ox. I found the good pair of sunglasses that were missing for forever. I have a new kitchen gadget of amazingness.

Yeah… it was a good day.

Daily Post 168: Work Update

I suppose now is a good time to write about work since I’m sitting at a desk in a very nice, overly nice, hotel room getting ready to go to bed so I can cover a shift at a clinic I’ve never been in before.

I’m working five days a week for the next forever. I did that to myself. I won’t be able to pick up overtime much while I’m in school. At least, I have the feeling that I won’t want to pick it if I don’t have to.

I also have the expense of the apartment I need to recover from. The security deposit was $450. I still would like to get internet over there. I had to buy an air mattress so I could sleep. I bought a set of Pryx glass baking dishes from Goodwill along with some baking sheets since I needed things to cook with. Silverware so I could eat. Things like that.

I still would like to buy a few things for the apartment, which are additional expenses that only money can help facilitate. I know the apartment is a temporary living arrangement. But a year, maybe a year and a half which would be the length of school, is still a decent amount of time. I want it to feel like my space. Safe. Structured. Organized. Clean.

I want it to be mostly how I want it. I doubt I’ll paint the walls or anything super personal like that. But I would like for the pots to have a place to go other than the top of the stove. The kitchen doesn’t have a lot of space so that’s something I need to work on in the coming weeks; making the limited space I do have a bit more usable.

Anywho…

Yeah. I’m looking at 50+ hour work weeks for a while.

Also, State will be at my clinic to do surveys this coming Monday. Originally, our new tech was supposed to work that day while I covered a shift at one of our sister clinics. I offered to trade shifts with her so I would be the one being surveyed since she’s still so new to the world of dialysis. She was on board with the idea. Not that I’m stoked about being scrutinized, but I feel it’s the kind thing to do for the newest member of our team.

So that’s going on.

The TTS shifts are going well. We’re getting two new patients soon, so those days are no longer going to be super short. That’s both good and bad. Good because both New Tech and I will be able to get all of our hours at our home clinic. Bad, because short days are really nice. ;-;

I applied for and was accepted, to be part of a PCT Advisory Committee for our region. The hope is to find solutions for issues with teammate retention, work/life balance, and, in general, making the PCT experience less hellish and more sustainable. Unlike being surveyed… I AM totally stoked for the committee’s first meeting which is in July. This is something I’m super passionate about; making life suck less for my teammates. Totally willing to fight this battle. I WANT to fight that battle. The people I work with are too awesome to not also be able to live their lives and be with their families.

I will also begin training to be the Vascular Access Manager for my clinic. My FA actually called me and talked to me about that. She said she knew I had a lot on my plate. I’m still working through the leadership class. I’m now part of the committee. I’m about to begin school. Not to mention my crazy 50 hour work weeks…

I’ve wanted to be the VAM for our clinic pretty much since I found out it was something within my scope to do. It’s fallen to the wayside in lue of more immediately important things. We didn’t “need” a VAM since my FA was covering everything. Since I didn’t “have” to do the VAM training, I took the CNA course for school instead among other things which I’m sure I could think of if I tried to think back hard enough.

I feel honored that my FA trusts me enough to delegate this role to me. It shows a lot of trust on her part and I’m grateful for it. Since it’s a role I’ve wanted I’m not upset about having another thing added to my plate. I’m looking forward to it. I just don’t know when all of that is going to begin. Sometime soon I’m sure. Most likely after this whole survey/audit thing.

Work went well today. New RN and I work really well together. I was able to deep clean all of the machines and chairs on the floor except for the stuff in ISO. I’ll get that on Thursday when I’m back at my clinic. Well… I mean… I’m there Wednesday, but it will be easier to do it Thursday so that’s the game plan I’m going with. I’ll most likely end up transferring the acid batch that I made last week on Wednesday instead.

The apartment has helped a lot with allowing me the time and space to recover from my days. I actually made it to the gym three times last week. Three. What the fuck, right? It feels like that’s more than what I’ve done in the past six months. I know that’s not true, but that doesn’t change how it feels.

I don’t know if there is a gym here at the hotel. The receptionist wasn’t the most friendly of people. I guess I interrupted her idle phone time. My bad… I’m pretty tired as it is. Driving up here to Florence was rougher than I thought it would be. Since it’s so close to Omaha, traffic sucked. There was also construction.

Much lame + Suckage /= Relaxing Drive

I’ve already driven to the clinic I’m covering at, so I know how to get there in the morning. That makes tomorrow morning seem less stressful.

I did forget to bring a Bang with me. Tomorrow will be the saddest of mornings. ;-;

At least the hotel room has a coffee maker I can use to limp by with.

Regardless of being Bang-less, I’m looking forward to being at a new clinic and getting to meet more of my fellow teammates and new patients. It’s a short day, ending around 10:30 or 11ish. I’ll get to drive home and be there around noon. I’ll be able to go to my own gym and maybe even cross stitch a bit tomorrow. I started a new pattern a few days ago. Which reminds me… I most likely didn’t post any of the ones I’ve completed since the year started…

The new one is a really small, simple pattern. I’m already almost halfway done with it. I think I’m going to do that for a bit; small projects so I can feel accomplished with getting little things done.

And with that, I guess I’ll go for now.

Things are going well. Busy, but well.

Daily Post 165: Moment by Moment

Today was alright. It’s rainy and dreary. I went into work to help with change over. My FA is back from her week-long meeting in DC. I’m glad to have her back. I think it did benefit the team for her to be out of the facility. We learned to trust each other. We learned how to function without her. At the same time, she learned that she can trust in us, too; that the clinic won’t burn to the ground without her here.

Currently, I’m in a bit of a low mood, though, and I know I am. One of our new patients passed away on Saturday. I didn’t know her well, but it still sucks. It still makes my body and heart ache with shared sorrow. She had a family. She had a life outside of the clinic and her absence is going to be felt by many people, just like mom’s was and continues to be.

It leaves me feeling… something which there aren’t words to express. Shared sorrow is the best I can do and like so many times before in my writing, it doesn’t feel like enough. Those words do not express the depth or complexity which are emotions. Maybe nothing ever truly can. Emotions are felt, not explained.

The rest of everything that has happened in my life feels trivial compared to the realness of life and death. Almost like it’s disrespectful to write about how my life continued to go on while her’s ended and yet I couldn’t have stopped my life anymore than the doctors could have kept hers going.

I went to Walmart and got two new skirts and a pair of shorts. I’m in smaller sizes than the last time I bought clothes. I went to the gym and had a good workout.

Sunday I went to my first “family gathering” with Ox. I met his aunts and cousins. For the most part, I spent the three hours sitting on the front porch enjoying the sunlight and breeze while cross stitching which sparked all sorts of comments from the family members. I felt extremely accepted. There was good food and good conversation. It wasn’t the horrific social event I had envisioned in my mind. I wasn’t shamed out of the home for having purple hair or tattoos.

I also had my first run-in with a tornado warning while Ox and I were out shopping after the family get-together. There’s a big difference between practicing a drill and real-life camping out in a Walmart layaway listening to nature rage around you. I made a post on Facebook to let everyone I was fine and that I made it home safe.

Saturday I spent the whole day sick and in bed. I slept about 16 hours and was better for taking it super slow and easy. Ox was amazingly fantastic in caring for me and allowing me to sleep the day and sickness away.

Lil’ Ox and I got to color a bit together Friday night once I got home from work. It’s the first time in a while that we’ve done something together. Ornery Ox even talked to me for a little bit Sunday during the family time. It was nice. I know I haven’t been extremely involved or present with the kids for a while. This weekend was a small step towards correcting that.

The past two weeks have been sort of rough, work-wise. I’ve been working five days. I can only imagine what they would have been like if I were still trying to take the Human Anatomy class. This coming week is most likely going to be more of the same, but next week should be a little lighter.

At the moment I don’t really think there’s much else to say. My heart isn’t in it right now; in writing, I guess. I don’t necessarily hurt, but I ache. One day at a time. One moment at a time. One task at a time. I’m sort of back to that I think.

Friday is my next day off. I think if I can make it to there then I’ll be alright. I know I’ll be ok. I know I’m not not ok right now. I’m just sad and that too is ok. Sometimes life is sad.

Daily Post 136: Post-Test and the Other Three Weeks

I passed my state tests. I passed with flying colors on the skills portion, including manual blood pressure, and with an 88 on the written portion. The 88 sort of eats away at me. I would have liked for it to be in the 90s. But when they ask things like, “Your resident wants to vote. What do you do?” it’s not really fair. The class taught me that residents had the right to vote, not what I am supposed to do as a CNA. Do I request the ballet myself on their behalf or inform the charge nurse? Nothing in the book told me what to do. Nothing in the class told me what to do. So now I have a 50/50 chance of getting the question right. Or wrong. There were several questions like. Nothing about proper temperature or blood pressure ranges. No “What does this abbreviation mean?” It’s frustrating, but for the time being, it’s over. No more classes to stay up late for. No more three hours naps before work the next day. No more discussion posts which aren’t worth the time to read or reply to. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t have to think about school until possibly October.

And no more six-day work weeks. I made it through that stint of the holiday season and all of the emotional roller coaster that goes with overworking myself during one of the hardest times of the year for me.

I made it through my birthday. Lil’ Ox baked a cake for me with Mama Ox. I blew out my candles after everyone sang happy birthday to me. I opened the presents I was given. I didn’t cry at work while people told me happy birthday. I saved it all for home where Ox held me while I cried on the front porch and admitted to being sad and missing mom.

I made it through Christmas and the week of having the kids here while working every day and having no true alone time. Lil’ Ox and I stitched a fair amount. Ornery Ox and I made a trip to the gas station, just the two of us. I stayed home alone while everyone else went into town to spend a few hours with the rest of the family. I talked to my brothers and my dad. I’ve even replied to all of the text messages and Facebook messages I’ve received over the past few weeks.

I passed my annual skills check at work yesterday. Actually, everyone at my clinic passed their skills check on the first try so we’re getting pizza tomorrow for lunch to celebrate.

I also cannulated our patient’s new fistula yesterday morning so I should be NFACT certified now as an expert cannulator.

Our new tech was there yesterday. She’s going to be in training with me for the next month. We get along extremely well together. She’s also super into organization and to-do lists so I think once the clinic opens up to six days a week again that we’ll be able to transition into it fairly well. We have similar mindsets and are both open to creating / editing systems and finding what works and changing what doesn’t. She’s open to trying the systems that I’ve developed over the past 10 or so months of working by myself and I’m open to changing my ways and trying new things. As long as we maintain communication I think we’ll be able to work through any friction or challenges that will pop up in the coming weeks and months.

There’s a new RN who started training this week as well. She’s been an ER nurse for the past however many years, so I think she’ll actually do fairly well. I haven’t interacted with her all that much but my impression is that she’s sharp. She’ll catch on quick and she’s used to a fast-paced, fluctuating environment. She’s used to having to react quickly to critical situations. I think once she becomes comfortable with the machines that she’ll be alright. It would be nicer if she were a little more open and friendly, but she’s not un-friendly so at least there’s that. I can work with distant and maybe as we interact more we’ll warm up to each other.

So, things at work are going well. I’m planning to take the second week of February off for vacation. I’ll be staying at home and not really do a whole lot other than not working. There currently aren’t plans for amazing productiveness or any trips to stress or plan over. Just a week of self-care essentially. Taking a step back and recharging my batteries. The new tech will, ideally, be through training and comfortable doing things on her own and if not I would only a 20-minute drive away to come help if needed.

This is the first week in a while where I’m only working three days and it’s only this morning where I’m beginning to feel more like myself and less on the verge of burnout. The thought of grocery shopping doesn’t feel like sandpaper under my skin. The thought of socializing still feels heavy, but not as much as it did.

I’m planning to take the last week of March off to visit Orlando, as well. It will be Jon’s birthday. My dad will actually be in Florida with my half-sisters visiting Disney. We’re thinking of trying to meet up, all of us, one evening for dinner.

And there’s a Warrior Dash in Kansas this summer. Originally I wanted to try to run the one in Florida scheduled for February, but I like the new plans more. I haven’t been going to the gym or the dojo. I know I won’t be where I want to be within a month. The new game plan gives me more time to ease back into my self and to continue at a pace I can be successful with.

In addition to all of the events I have been a part of and gone through, it’s also a new year. I don’t have resolutions. My goal was to survive and I did. I didn’t get Ox’s Christmas gift done like I wanted, so it’s turned into my “one-year” gift for him. That’s coming up. Hard to believe I’ve been here in Nebraska for as long as I have. Looking back at the past year makes me realize how much I have accomplished for work and my career, but also with my health, and with my relationships, specifically with Ox. I have been far from stagnant in any area of my life.

I also submitted my essay for the leadership course I applied for. I don’t think I’ll be heartbroken if I don’t get chosen. I’ll know tomorrow so we’ll see I suppose. I don’t think it will be as heavy of an obligation as what my CNA class was, but I’m also ok with not adding more to my plate. Whatever happens, happens and I’ll figure it out from there. I do think the essay came out better than I thought it would. It’s definitely better than the first draft I wrote.

Ox and I are doing well. He’s been amazingly supportive and encouraging during this roller coaster of a ride. He was there for me after my state test. He kept the kids entertained on the days I needed alone time. He’s cooked me eggs so I have breakfast while I’m at work. He’s helped with the laundry and making the bed. He’s listened to me talk and cry and helped me feel secure. I don’t think I would have done nearly as well these past weeks if it weren’t for his support and I’m grateful he’s in my life.

We had Tuesday off together since it was a holiday. The morning started with a lot of tears and crying, mostly because it was the first day off where I could begin emotionally processing through nearly a month worth of experiences. It left me feeling fragile and tired for most of the day but it was a very nice, quietly productive, and connecting day in spite of those feelings.

We cleaned the inside of our computers which was something we had talked about a few weeks ago. We ended up going into town for breakfast at Cracker Barrel. It was crowded and busy but we had a pleasant server and though it was six degrees outside, it was nice to be spending time together out of the house. We went to Best Buy and Walmart. I got a peppermint mocha from Star Bucks with a gift card he got from his work. I now have a pair of warm gloves to keep my fingers from freezing; the last piece of winter gear I was missing. We were even able to get a case of Cotton Candy Bang from the gas station since GNC was sold out and not going to get a shipment in for a while. While I could have made do with the Sour Head flavor I still have a few cans of, knowing that I have my favorite flavor to look forward to gave me warm fuzzy feelings about waking up on my workdays.

Ox and I got a USB / outlet wall mount to go above our bedside table. That meant we could get rid of the alarm clock that was taking up space and never being used aside from charging the phones. Not that I have strong feelings about an unused alarm clock taking up my cross-stitching space or anything…

The wall mount also gave me warm fuzzy feelings and actually did a surprising amount of work in regards to battling back the grief/depression of the past few weeks. It gave me a small, little project to look forward to when we got home. It made me want to go home and to do something other than nothing. It was one, small change to make things in the room better. And I keep saying “me” and “our” though, in truth, Ox was the one to set everything up. I didn’t do anything other than spend money and carry a bag into the house. He ran the cord and attached the mount to the wall. He’s the one who got rid of the alarm clock and freed up more space for me and my things.

Still, I can’t deny that the changed helped me. One, small step forward that makes all of the other steps not seem so bad. One step got accomplished so other steps can be made. It doesn’t have to be giant leaps that require energy and motivation and a mass amount of effort that I don’t feel I have. Things can be small and manageable while still being fulfilling.

There was a lot of quietly productive things about Tuesday that helped warm me on the inside and fight back the sadness that I’ve been struggling with.

I know I’ve been… something recently. I don’t know if it’s depression or grief since they feel so similar to me. I know burnout was part of the mixture which always makes me more sensitive to events, but I think Tuesday things started turning around. Our small bedroom project helped. Passing my skills test yesterday marked the last major stressor I had to get through. I’m not going to say it’s smooth sailing from here because I work dialysis. There’s no such thing as “normal”. But things should settle down a bit and I’m grateful for that. I will have more time to focus on myself and my inner world and my homeworld; my relationship world.

I’ve already been fairly productive today, and that too makes me feel better. I’ve gone through my emails, replying to comments on my tutorials and such. I resubmitted the rebate for the contacts I bought with the proper receipts. I’ve already put dye in my hair so I can rinse it out before much longer. I made a to-do list for my car on Tuesday so I have a game plan for that. I’ve taken stock of the bathroom so far, writing down things I need to get while I’m at the store; things I normally forget until I’m taking a shower and remember, “Oh yeah, I’m running low on body wash. I should write that down once I dry off….”

I’ve gone through most of my “inbox” stack of papers. Most of the things that are left are recipes I need to make a decision about. Jon should be calling me before too long so we can chat for a bit and catch up with each other and our lives.

Overall I think I’m on the right track. I still have a long ways to go to get things cleaned up, situated, and back to how they were, but I’m taking the steps I need to and I think I’m being mindful while I do it. I’m going to continue to take this week easy. I may go to the dojo tomorrow night. I may go Saturday, but I’m not holding myself to an obligation of it. I would like to cook dinner for everyone since that’s something I haven’t been doing as much as I was when I first moved here.

This week is about breathing and letting go of all of the stress and anxiety I’ve had to contend with over the past three weeks while getting back in touch with myself and the things I want; the things that make me feel happy, or at least content with myself and connected with my true inner priorities.

And so, with that, I guess I’m going to go so I can keep plucking away at the small to-do list I wrote for myself today. Writing was one of the things on there and I’m glad I took the time to do it. I know there are a lot of details from the past three weeks that will be forgotten about and left unwritten but I feel like I got a majority of the events. I’m glad I wrote about Tuesday because that really was the first step, the first day towards getting back to myself. Maybe I’ll be able to write more regularly in the coming weeks.

Daily Post 135: Pre-Test

I slept roughly 12 hours last night. For the past few days, I keep having dreams though I don’t remember much about them when I wake up. I know last nights had something to do with putting gas in my car and having an issue with being on the wrong side of the gas pumps. It also had something to do with the bicarb cartridges we use at work and the wall boxes where the acid and RO water comes from the hoses into the machines, only we didn’t need the machines for whatever reason. It had more to do with how the wall boxes were all the way on the other end of the wall, far away from where I was and what I was trying to do. There was something about waiting for the bell to ring so we could leave class to get to the buses on time like I was back in high school only I wasn’t that young. I was still me and how we were all crowded around the door waiting to leave, but the clock on the wall was fast so it was past the time for the bell to ring and everyone was frustrated, waiting, waiting, waiting, watching the second hand on the clock tick further and further past the time.

Yeah… weird dreams. I didn’t wake up with bad feelings about them. I guess I remember more about them then I thought. I do feel like I’m waiting and to be fair I really am.

I’m waiting to take my test today.

I don’t think I’m going to study more than I have. I don’t want to stress out and worry. I want to cross-stitch. I want to relax. I want to be lazy and be able to get through my day tomorrow since regardless of what I do on my test I’ll still have to go into work and it will be two full shifts of patients with just the float RN since the medical director is coming to our clinic tomorrow for our FHM meeting with my FA.

It’s going to be a busy and important day and I don’t really want to start it off with burnout from today.

So… no. No more studying. I’m going to do what I do and I’ll figure it out from there. If I don’t know it by now then I’m not going to know it in the next few hours anyway. My instructors felt like I knew the skills enough to check them off. They were confident in my abilities. I need to have some confidence in myself, too.

Ox called not long ago. He’s off work and headed home. I asked if he would be willing to go into town with me this evening. The thought of not going to this test by myself makes me feel better. I know that’s kind of selfish; having someone sit around for two hours doing nothing… but I wouldn’t be alone. I would have someone to look forward to seeing once I’m done. A hug regardless of what the outcome is. He’s agreed to drive us in so I don’t have to do that either. I can sit in the passenger seat and stare out the window and listen to music.

I need to stop at Walmart to get a wristwatch since I need that for the 20 seconds of handwashing I have to do for my test. After the test, I’m going to go return it because I don’t wear watches. We are also going to get food together and stop at GNC so I can have Bang for the coming weeks as well as stopping at the craft store so I can get more of the thread I need to finish his project. There are a few other things I might pick up while I’m there so I can finish the projects I have going on for my patients Christmas gifts.

I’m looking forward to all of that. I don’t care about the test, at least not in the same way.

I guess I really don’t know how I feel about it. What does becoming a CNA get me? The potential to do LPN, but I’m not thinking I’ll be able to start that in April since finances are still a thing. So I’m looking at either part-time in October or fulltime in April 2020. That’s so far away. CNA gets me nothing right now so I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment at the thought of passing my tests today. I get another piece of paper to go along with all of the other pieces of paper that I have.

Right Brain: Woo. I helped kill another tree. Go me…

I like the thought of not having to go back into town on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I like the sense of relief from knowing that the class is done. I like the thought of being able to stay home. I like the thought of being able to go to bed at a decent time again and not simply taking a three-hour nap before having to get up for work. I like the thought of doing nothing.

I know this test is a step towards something I want, but at the moment I don’t feel like I’m invested in it as much as I was in the beginning. I don’t care about the result anymore. I care about the aftermath. I care about recovering. I care about getting me back to where I was emotionally and mentally before taking on this two-month obligation. And in about seven hours I can start that. With Ox. He’s been so supportive through this whole section of our relationship and continues to be into today.

Just the thought of knowing I don’t have to worry about driving there makes everything else seem more manageable; more doable. I don’t have to worry about getting myself there. It’s taken care of. I don’t have to worry about fighting off a headache by driving back home in the dark. It’s taken care of. I don’t have to worry about whatever emotions will be there after my test because there will be someone in the parking lot waiting for me. I won’t be alone. It’s taken care of.

All I have to do is answer 50 multiple choice questions, then an hour later, prove that I know how to wash my hands properly and do five skills that I’ll have a total of five minutes to review. I can do them in any order I want. While I was studying last night I realized that I knew a lot of the “critical” steps for each skill.

I’ll be alright. This test can’t kill me. It can’t take my job away from me. It can’t take my home away from me. Or my car. This test can’t harm me in any way other than emotionally and mentally and that’s only if I let it.

So I’m not going to let it. I’m going to go enjoy cross stitching for a bit while watching more episodes of Bleach once Ox gets home. I’m going to take a really nice, long, hot shower before getting dressed to go get my watch. I might get a little something to eat to hold me over for those two hours. After that, I have a really nice evening to look forward to. I’ll be able to be productive and get in quality time.

It’s almost over and that knowledge, that fact, makes me want to cry a little bit with relief. I keep typing that word, but that’s what I feel. This heaviness that I didn’t really know was there is about to go away. All I have to do is keep going for a few more hours. I can do that. I can make it through this and then all that’s left is work and work is easy.

I know what’s expected of me. I know how to do my job and do it well. There might be a lot of it, but it’s known. It’s not scary or nebulous. It’s almost auto piolet in some regards. I come in. I set up the machines. I test the water room. I make sure the clinic is ready for my patients. I get to say good morning to them and chit chat and be interested in their lives. I get to ask about their plans for the weekend. I get to help them live. And then I get to clean everything up, close everything down, and go home.

Easy. Known. Safe. Routine.

I can do that. I want that.

I’m almost there.

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	Sammi on 002: Fuck Depression
	Warrior Freya on 002: Fuck Depression
	Sammi on 002: Fuck Depression

Not 100% proof read. My bad. Didn’t want to be late for D&D <3

Not 100% proof read. My bad.
Didn’t want to be late for D&D <3