medication

Evening Reflection 012: Queue Discontinuation

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Daily Summary:
I woke up today after sleeping decently. Not awesome, but decent. I’ll take decent. 

I’ve sold the twin bed frame that I had along with two storage things I bought from Walmart a while ago. I haven’t been using those things and with moving on the horizon and finances not being the best I figured I would get rid of some stuff and try to make a buck. It’s been helpful. 

Work has been alright. Got a 95 on a call. Mildly frustrating. I’ve also messed up my adherence at work a few times this week. Sort of ready for the month of February to be over and for March to start. 

Still no news about the application for the house. That’s annoying. 

I got my state and federal tax returns, so there’s that. 

I’ve also done a lot of digging into my credit and have game planed, sort of, with Ox about what things we’re going to try to tackle financially. 

I’m going on day four with no Zoloft, which will be the main focus for my ramble. Right now I’m trying to breathe through the not ok-ness. I think I’m succeeding. Tonight is also really hard and I’m trying to embrace the hard. If not embrace it, then at least acknowledge that it’s not permanent. This feeling inside my head, inside my skin, will pass and I’ll be back to normal soon.

I wish now was soon. 

Random Ramblings:
I feel like I’m experiencing discontinuation symptoms. I have a weird sense of balance. My skin feels weird. My mind is sort of foggy. It’s hard to focus. It’s been progressively harder to want to write which is why I haven’t for a few days. I get headaches off and on and there’s nausea at times. 

It… I don’t know. Sucks seems too harsh. I have definitely been through worse. But it’s not “fine” either. 

I feel my emotions more intensely. I feel like crying with some of the information I gathered today. I feel trapped by my debt. I feel like I’m playing at being an adult and I’m never actually going to be one. 

I did consolidate my student loans and filled out the application for a repayment plan. At least I’ve been proactive with that. The covid forbearance is going to end soon. At least there’s an affordable game plan for that one area in my financial world. 

I want to cry. Maybe I will. Maybe I just need a really good cry after figuring out so much today. After talking to so many people today. 

I have my dentist appointment tomorrow. Next week starts my Eqip camp that I found out… Tuesday? That means my workdays will start at 8am instead of 12:30. It means I’ll get done with work at 4:30pm. So I can go to the house and spend the evenings with Ox. There are silver linings to the things in my life which are causing friction. 

I’m doubting myself. What if I can’t be off of the Zoloft? What if my brain can’t function the way it used to before I started taking the medication? What if these sensations don’t go away, or last for months like some people report? What if I’m a failure at life and I’ll never be able to recover from stupid choices? What if my whole life is a mistake? 

I know it’s not. God fucking damnit you evil son of a bitch of a voice inside my head. I know my life isn’t a mistake. I know I am not a mistake. I know things aren’t falling apart and I know I’ll most likely feel better after I sleep. So why? Why am I feeling like this? 

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to write. I don’t think it’s helped me feel better. At least the emotions and feelings are out there. Everything is fine and yet I’m not ok. And it’s ok to not be ok. I’ll get through it. I have before. I can today; tonight. I can tomorrow, too. 

I can do this. I’m just going to throw a fit and have a cry-fest while I do it. #INFJ

Evening Reflection 011: Meds…

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Daily Summary:
Another night of decent sleep. That’s two in a row! Life goals are being reached!

I woke up to Ox calling me. I “Mhmmm”ed and “yeah”ed my way through the conversation, still clinging to the wonderful sleep I had been having until he got the unspoken message that I wasn’t going to wake up yet. After about another hour of sleep, I finally slugged my way out of bed. Called Ox back for an actual morning chat. I was feeling pretty good. I felt like I had energy to do some things before work, so I did.

I got my threads up away. I cleaned up all the fabric that I had gone through while I was prepping my next projects. I even went through the baggies of thread ends and made sure they were all labeled with the right year. I did a lot of cleaning and organizing in regards to my cross-stitch stuff and it felt good to finally get those things done. 

I cooked one of the frozen meals I bought yesterday with Ox. Ricotta stuffed shells. It was actually surprisingly awesome. 

I paid bills and filled out the application for the house John is leasing. I’m hoping that gets approved without issue. 

I didn’t do much of anything else before work. Ox stopped by after work and hung out with me again. Around that time was when I started feeling extreme fatigue. Thankfully it got better after a few hours. It was nice having Ox around again, doing his own thing on the PS4. It makes part of my brain wonder what it will be like to finally live together again. To not always be aware of the minutes until we go our separate ways. To fall asleep next to each other continuously like we used to unlike the two maybe three times a week we do now. 

I stitched a fair amount today. I didn’t listen to my book more. The next chapter is where Rachel talks about the suicide of her brother. I don’t think it would be a good idea to listen to that while at work or before going to bed. I’m pretty sure it’s going to stir up my own grief for mom. 

While I was on my lunch break I loaded the dishwasher and set it to run. I cut up the chicken quarters so I could put them in the freezer until next week. I swept the kitchen and wiped down the counters. I even bagged up the trash to take it out later. Look at me being productive and efficient. 

I also packed up most of the stuff I wanted to take to the house with me this weekend. After that, I finished out my night at work. 

When I got to the house Ox was apologetic, saying he was tired and going to be going to bed. I was disappointed. That hadn’t been the vision I had of our night together. But it’s ok. After about 5 or 10 minutes I had come to terms with the change and figured out a new plan for my night.

I would heat up the chili I brought with me. I would write since I hadn’t done that yet. I would shower after writing and by then Mama Ox should be asleep which means I can cross-stitch in the living room alone with the cats. 

Tonight is different than what I thought it would be, but it can still be a good night. I’ve already eaten. I’m nearly done writing. Mama Ox is in the process of heading to bed. Everything is going well even if it is different. 

Random Ramblings:
I read last night’s writing to Ox today. It was easier than I thought it would be. He assured me I could tell him anything, always. I believe him. After four years of being together and working through hard or uncomfortable conversations, I have learned that I CAN talk to him and I do not need to fear his reaction or losing his love and support. 

I told him how last night had been insightful. People think I am enlightened or that I have my life together and here is yet another example of how I don’t. How I’m human with flaws and how even after 30 years I’m still figuring things out about my own behavior. 

I do feel I should clarify a bit about the “comply” part of the writing. After rereading it, I realized I didn’t do a good job of explaining the difference between obedience and compliance. 

If dad told me to help rake the yard, it wasn’t enough to say “Yes, Sir.” I had to be ok with doing the chore. I couldn’t sigh or complain. I had to not only do the chore I had to be willing to do it. If I made any indication that I wasn’t “happy” about having to do something it was almost as bad as not doing it at all. 

That’s I guess what I was trying to get at with making the distinction between obedience and compliance. I not only had to do what I was told. I had to be happy about it, or at least be really good at pretending it didn’t bother me even if it did. 

On to another totally different topic…

I found out why my previous refill of Synthroid cost me twice as much as it did before…

Because my plan is dumb. 

I mean… that’s really what it comes down to. Because I’m taking two 125 mcg daily, I’m considered on a “weird” dosage and my plan doesn’t cover anything other than “normal” so I’m getting charged double what I was paying with my previous insurance. 

What the fuck?

There’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. Honestly, the only way I could maybe change my dosage is to lose weight. Since I’ve been sick the past two weeks or so, that hasn’t been very high on my priority list. I’m hoping to be back at it soon. And maybe, maybe, it can save me $40 a month for the meds I don’t have a choice in taking if I want to keep living. 

Our system is seriously fucked up. 

Daily Post 217: Hello Again

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Hello again, Chromebook.

It’s nice to be sitting in front of you. It’s nice to have my fingertips moving over your keyboard. It’s sunny outside. Warm. A nice day. A decent day. I’m supposed to be painting Jon’s bathroom, but here I am instead, spending some time with you first. I have all day to paint. I only have a few hours of alone time where I can talk to you; with you. With myself, really.

Things are going better. I’m into week two of being on Zoloft again. I think it’s helping. Ox and I had a failed date day on Tuesday. Tuesday was a pretty rough and shitty day. Instead of playing D&D I went to sleep. I think I was better for it.

I woke up to a text message from Jon.

Jon: I can’t help but feel like something is making you super sad. I want to support you but don’t know how. Please let me know.

I didn’t reply to that text message. Instead, I spent most of Wednesday low energy. Not negative like so many days previously. But low. I plucked away at small things. Running the dishwasher. Unloading it. Loading it again once I could. I received an email from someone in London asking for help getting my old scripts to run. I was able to help him and it was an extremely bright spot in my day.

Ox eventually got off work. He helped take the trash and cardboard out. We finished getting Jon’s bathroom ready for painting. We finished the puzzle we were working on. I made lunch for us. Turkey wraps. We cuddled a few times in between chores. Towards the end, we had sexy time and it was more connective than I had thought it would be. I was worried about feeling alone afterward; cold and… alone. I don’t know if that word can really fully describe the soul-crushing, horrifically aching lostness that sometimes hijacks my brain. But that’s the only word I have.

It wasn’t that though. While physically it was amazing, on a spiritual, human level it was exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I’m glad Ox and I worked through the fear I felt to have that type of moment together. I’m grateful that he took time out of his day, his life, to be with me and to help me feel his words, “It will be ok.”

I’m better today. I had another message from the person in London. He shared some parts of his story with me and I in turned shared parts of mine. It was connective and it’s another thing I’m grateful for. He didn’t have to share those details about his life with me, but in doing so it’s allowed both of us to be human; real. We’re not picture-perfect images. There’s a lot of unknown battles and struggles and that’s usually a more significant part of who we are as people than the successes we’ve easily attained.

I don’t know if there’s a lot going on today. Painting for sure. I think Ox and I are going to try to take two of date day now that we’re both in better moods. He has raid today so he won’t be staying with me, but he stayed last night and it was nice having a good morning kiss before he left for work.

I work with my FA tomorrow. It’s the first time in months that we’ll be on the floor together. We’re both looking forward to it. I found out so more information about what’s going on with upper management. I’m more confident in the notion that my FA currently does not have a plan to leave. At least not yet. That makes work feel a smidgin more stable which helps with everything else.

The apartment complex has scheduled a chemical treatment for the bed bugs. Jon and I are responsible for the cost of the treatment. That sucks, but it’s not a heat treatment, so it could be way worse than what it seems like it’s going to be. They’re going to be here after 1pm tomorrow. That gives Jon and Ox enough time to get off work and to take the pets out of the apartment. Since covid is going on, we’re not able to board them anywhere, and with everyone working, we didn’t know what we were going to do.

That seems slightly figured out, though, and more do-able. The pets are taken care of. The bed bug issue is being addressed. I should have a fairly smooth day at work tomorrow. The apartment is coming along and Jon and I have had some pretty deep conversations so we feel more ok than what we were.

Last night after he got home, we sat outside on the balcony and talked. I explained what depression was like for me, why it was affecting me currently the way it is, and that what I needed from him was for him to let me do whatever it is/was I was doing.

If I’m not hungry, don’t pressure me to eat. If I want to be alone and dip out of social obligations, don’t make me feel bad for doing it. If I seem to be sleeping a lot, let me sleep. I don’t need intervention. My “no”s aren’t “yes”s that need convincing. With so much uncertainty going on in multiple areas of my life, I need space and time to figure out not only my emotions regarding those situations but what choices and courses of action I want to take with them. I can’t figure those things out around people, and that inner soul-searching work is usually exhausting and nauseating in some instances.

I will eat when I’m hungry. As I have energy, I’ll get things done. I’m on the road to being better, but some days are still going to be better than others and the best thing he can do on the “down” days is to let me be down.

I think that’s it for today, Chromebook. I feel like I’m on solid ground today. I feel like I can feel accomplished by doing things, so I want to do them. Hopefully, I’ll be able to talk to you again soon.

Daily Post 216: Rambling About Nothing Important

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Hello Chromebook,

It’s been a while…

I started writing a letter to mom, but that got interrupted by an emergent phone call from work. It got me extra hours. I didn’t have to use PTO to meet my 40. That was nice. I got to go to the clinic where Jon is training and see him on the floor. He’s doing well. And that’s not just me being a proud sister. That’s me as an experienced tech evaluating someone who is in training. He’s going to be fine, just like I thought and hoped he would.

So many things have happened, dearest Chromebook. Life has been crazy. Not just with a pandemic and now rioting and such. Personal life has been in flux. Constantly changing, constantly something new to figure out or adjust to… On top of that, the weather has been miserable, cold, rainy, cloudy… It’s made things harder than they normally would or should have been.

For a while, I was off of Zoloft. Things were going well. I felt awesome. It was sunny. I felt like I could handle the few things that were going on. And then it changed and I wasn’t ok again. It was subtle at first. Then worse. Then worse. Then worse until even I had to admit that I wasn’t doing well and maybe going back onto the medication would be beneficial.

I’ve been on it for about five days. I think it’s already started to build up into my system. Things don’t seem as bad or hopeless. Thoughts of self-harm are no longer there. I’m sleeping better. I’m performing well at work again. And finally, it’s sunny and warm outside.

I know it hasn’t been much time. Maybe it’s all in my head and simply a change in my perspective, but regardless of what is or isn’t causing me to be more ok, I’m grateful for it. I’m still low energy today, but it’s not a day where I wake up in the negative and have to struggle and fight to convince myself that it’s worth the effort to accomplish even the most minor of tasks.

I have counseling in an hour. I’m going to have to use you, Chromebook, instead of my desktop. Ox has my beast since his computer is having issues.

I don’t mind. You accomplish the things that I need to do at the moment. D&D will be interesting, but I feel like we can accomplish it together.

Counseling hasn’t been very productive the past few times. Mostly because I haven’t been able to self-reflect and so I don’t know what I need or should be talking about; working through. The last session was better. I’m hoping for this one to be productive as well. I’ll be able to continue my counseling sessions even though I’m not taking any classes this summer. That was news I was grateful to receive.

Since my sessions are through a service provided by my school I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to continue having them. Not the case though.

The game plan is still to go back to school in the fall for the LPN program. A lot of that feels sort of nebulous, though. Things are changing at work. Our regional operations director left a few months back. A new person took his place. A lot of my mentors are leaving the company now. My FA said she doesn’t have a new job lined up and can’t leave until June 11th. That doesn’t mean she’s staying. There was no, “I’m not going anywhere.” Sometimes what’s not said is more important that what is said and I feel this is one of those times.

I’ve already talked to Jon.

Me: Would you be super pissed if I left the company?

That led to a pretty extensive conversation yesterday evening after I got home from work. One of the things I said was how most people quit their boss not their job. If my FA leaves and some super bitchy person gets hired into her position I don’t want to feel stuck. That’s why I didn’t use the financial assistance my work offered for school. I don’t want to be trapped in an environment that slowly kills me.

There’s a lot of “What ifs” in regards to work and I won’t know how any of it turns out for a while. Jon is supportive of me making the choices that are best of my own well being. I assured him if I left, I wouldn’t do so without having something else lined up; ideally something better.

So we’ll see how that goes. There’s a part of me that aches at the thought of leaving. What would happen to my patients? Who would take care of them? They’re the ones who are going to suffer the most if management and staff changes and that’s not fair to them.

For the moment I want to leave those issues alone. There’s nothing I can do about the future other than letting it happen. I have no intention of going anywhere at the moment, and though there are management positions open now, I don’t think I will pursue them. Not when everyone I care about is leaving those positions. They’re leaving because the positions no longer align with their core values. That doesn’t seem like something I would want to step into.

Ox and I are doing better. For a while, we weren’t, more because of me then because of anything he was or wasn’t doing. I suffered from a 6.5 kidney stone for three weeks. The average size is typically 4mm or smaller. Anything higher than that, the ER usually hospitalizes you for. Of course, I was stubborn as fuck and didn’t go to the ER… Choosing instead to writhing on my bedroom floor in agony while dry heaving so hard I couldn’t breathe.

That was a Saturday evening. By Tuesday when the stone hasn’t passed I went to my primary care doctor. We decided to give it more time to move on its own. When it hadn’t he referred me to a urologist. They took x-rays. It was close to passing. Hold out just a little longer… A week later and another x-ray… It hasn’t moved. Time for our next option… Fuck my life…

I was being scheduled for surgery when it finally passed. Throughout that time I had waves of pain that typically required hydrocodone to manage. Though I had a doctor’s note saying I should not return to work until my symptoms went away, the clinic was so short-staffed that I had to work multiple times during those three weeks. It was awful. I was miserable and everyone around me knew it.

Luckily, I didn’t have to have surgery. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to pee in my life. The stone was tested. Calcium oxalate. Basically, I need to drink more water. I knew I was doing poorly with eating and drinking. With all of the other crap going on at the time with Jon moving and work being crazy, I didn’t have much of an appetite. I didn’t want to drink water. The thought of foods and liquids made me nauseous. I didn’t want to do anything other than not be around people, but that wasn’t an option so I did the best I could.

Well… my body wasn’t ok with my best and created the spawn of Satan to show me its displeasure. This kidney stone made my first one look like child’s play. I never knew when waves of pain would come, so I was in constant fear and anxiety over going out to do anything. I didn’t want to drive because what if a wave of pain happened while I was behind the wheel? The pain was always worse at night and so most of the time I only had 30 minutes to an hour of sleep before having to go to work.

Thankfully, that phase is over. I’ve been doing better about drinking. Still having a hard time with food. Most of the time I eat a protein bar or something small. Things seem to sit heavier on my stomach lately and I don’t like that feeling.

Since I have been feeling a bit better health-wise, if not emotionally, Ox and I had date night this past Sunday. Things are beginning to open back up again so we were able to have a nice sit-down lunch at a local restaurant. That evening, we worked on a puzzle we’ve had for a while. We’re almost done with it. Ox and I have plans to go out this afternoon once he’s off work. We’ve slept next to each other a few nights this week. It’s been nice to be near him.

Things have been sort of crazy with the kids due to the pandemic. We’ve had them more than normal and that, along with everything else, also throws off the reassurance I get from our “normal” routines. We’re still not really sure what’s going to happen in that regard, but Ox and I are both making a conscious effort to invest a bit more time into “us”.

Jon and I are doing well. My dad received a bonus from work again. The first time he got hazard pay he sent it to me and Jon to help us out with the move and settling into the new apartment. He did the same again last night. Jon is letting me keep most of his share to catch up on the money he owes me. He was unemployed for about a month and then had to wait a while before he started getting paychecks. I covered most of his expenses during that time with the stimulus money Ox and I received.

Jon intends to pay me back, and this is a step towards that. It makes me feel better about covering for him. I wish all the other times I covered for people were like this. Where it was worth it and didn’t fuck me over.

The financial game plan has changed a little. Since the three of us, Ox, Jon, and me, are in this together, it makes sense to look at all of our situations. Jon’s car is just as close to being paid off as mine, yet his car payment is nearly twice as much. Currently, we’re planning on paying off his car first. The amount I help payoff he will then start paying towards my car, and once that is done, we’ll snowball it into Ox’s car. If there’s a second stimulus check we could have all three cars paid off in a year, giving all of us nearly $1000 extra dollars to work with each month.

It could be an amazing situation. That would help out significantly when I go back to school and potentially cut my hours down to part-time. It’s another situation of waiting and seeing how everything lines up.

Financially, other things are going alright. I finally switched my phone over to StraightTalk which saves me $30 a month on my phone bill. Car insurance has been super cheap since my company has reimbursed part of my payments for the past two months. With people staying home and not driving as much, there haven’t been as many accidents and claims filed. My company is passing those savings onto its customers. I think that’s pretty awesome of them.

I received roughly $500 from my old apartment. That’s the security deposit and a bit of rent for the month since someone moved in during May.

While all of this money sounds awesome. I’ve been spending some of it so I don’t have millions of dollars sitting in my account. I’ve bought stuff for the kittens. A litter mat that they can’t chew on, a water fountain, cat dishes so they don’t have to get out of my plastic food containers anymore. I got a new shower curtain since I painted the bathroom; Summer Dragonfly. It’s the same color I had in Orlando. It makes a part of my brain happy seeing it. I am looking forward to painting the bedroom and getting blackout curtains so I can sleep in darkness once again.

I got a new phone case which I love. It’s a bright teal color. I don’t know why that color brings me peace but it does. I love holding the case in my hand and just… holding that color.

I signed up for a Spartan race… or rather… I spent $90 on gear and have a passcode that will allow me to sign up for a race between now and December of next year. I haven’t trained for so long. I know I’m nowhere near where I was. I’ve started doing yoga as a way to try to get back into the swing of things. Stretching has been nice. It took me nearly all of the first session to get my heels to touch the ground during downward dog, but I got there. The second session was better. I could go deeper into the stretches and it didn’t take my muscles as long to loosen up.

I think I’m all done writing for now, Chromebook. I know there’s so much more to work through, talk about, figure out, but I’m sort of done for now. Thanks for letting me talk about nothing important.

Oh! And here’s a picture of Dagger, ruining date night with his cuteness.

Tiny Tiger Demands Attention

Daily Post 213: D&D Issues

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Yesterday ended up being an alright day. It was rainy and yucky. Not cool. : /

I talked to Ox and Jon before creating a to-do list. I messaged L. I wrote and posted. I cleaned the litter box and made sure the cats had food and water. #goodFurMom

I showered, got dressed, took the trash out, then loaded up the car with my laundry and the cardboard I have accumulated over the past few weeks.

I went to counseling. We talked pretty extensively about covid-19. How was I handling the changes in regards to school, work, and personal life? What were some of the possible changes regarding counseling access in the future if stricter measures were put into place? I talked about how I felt I had fallen off the “self-care” train, but that I was getting back on it and seemed to be better for it. It was a good session and I’m glad I went.

I went to the house after leaving campus. I started my laundry. Ox and I had sexy time, but it didn’t go very well. It was short and immediately switched from a D/s situation back to normal everyday life and my brain was having a hard time with that. I ended up going back to the apartment while Ox was in the shower.

I could have handled the situation better. At the time, I felt I needed space because I knew all of the emotions were my own. Ox hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, he had done pretty much everything that I have mentioned wanting at one point or another. Not every fair of me to come back now and be like, “QQ that wasn’t what I wanted”.

Needless to say, he wasn’t expecting me to be gone when he got out of the shower. He called, but my phone was still on silent from counseling. He proceeded to send text messages which caused my phone to vibrate. I was in bed under the covers trying to figure out what was going on inside my brain.

We tried to talk for a little while, but it wasn’t a very productive conversation. I wasn’t at a place mentally and emotionally to really articulate why our encounter was bothering me the way it was. Since our upcoming D&D session was switched to an online platform, we agreed to talk later once I came back over to game.

Despite the unaddressed yuckiness between us, Ox was kind enough to switch my laundry to the dryer for me. I cuddled with the kittens for a while, which helped. Eventually, I got up and started plucking away at more chores. I had to run out to Dollar General for dish scrubs. I had thought I had two under the sink, so I threw out the current one only to discover that, no, I didn’t have dish scrubs and now had no way to clean my dishes…

After completing that unexpected errand, I began cooking the pasta dish I had planned as a meal for this coming week. It’s been so long since I’ve had anything with noodles. While I’ve been fine without them, there are several recipes that I like that I haven’t been making due to a lack of decent noodle replacement.

The other week while Ox and I were at Costco, we found a box of “Healthy Noodles”. They’re a little expensive; $15 for six bags. Ox encouraged me to try them so we got a box.

Last week I used them for the first time in a chicken alfredo recipe. The noodles were different from regular noodles, but they weren’t bad. I was ok with them enough to give them a shot in other recipes.

Enter my decision to try making my spaghetti sauce with them.

Sooooo goooood. Oh man. I can’t wait to make some of my other recipes. We actually got a second box of them on Tuesday while we were at Costco for our weekly shopping trip.

Anywho… It felt good to cut up the veggies and wash the dishes and to cook a meal that I haven’t been able to enjoy in months. At least not the way I want to enjoy it since Lil’ Ox is finicky and doesn’t like mushrooms or onions, or because Mama Ox doesn’t add basil to the sauce…

No. This time it was made right AND I got to have it with noodles. /swoon

Ox and I talked again once I got the sauce to a point where it was simmering. I talked a bit more, explaining that the previous night I had spent literally hours trying to take care of my arousal on my own, only to give up because it wasn’t working. I wanted him and no amount of sexy brain power was going to change the fact that I was on my own and that’s not what I or my body wanted.

During our conversation, I was finally able to explain my experience the previous night and that in my head, I had built up our next encounter into something a bit different than what it had turned out to be and how things had so quickly gone back to normal as if nothing had happened at all. It had hurt and while, yes, Ox and I were fine, I needed time to get over my emotions and that’s why I had left.

I wasn’t feeling up for being around people. Lil’ Ox was still at the house and Mama Ox had just gotten home. Instead of going to the house to game, I stayed at the apartment which let me continue to be productive.

I looked at my online class. Nothing has been posted or changed so there wasn’t anything for me to do… I’m not surprised since the whole school is having to switch their class content to an online format. I’m going to look into it later today. If nothing else, I’ll do the reading so once the assignments are posted I can complete them quickly.

I did get a reply back from an RN who works with my primary care physician. She basically blew off my request for a refill of Zoloft, saying I had two refills left and needed to contact my pharmacy.

Me: Thank you for your reply to my message. I have been taking a single 25mcg tablet of Zoloft daily since January and currently do not have refills left from the original prescription. I still have roughly two weeks of the medication left but was unsure of what actions needed to be completed in regards to obtaining additional refills. If the refill would be for another 90 days, I would need the pharmacy switched due to insurance coverage to [new pharmacy]. Am I able to contact them directly about the refill or does this need to go through processing at your office first? I look forward to your reply with any further actions I can take to help facilitate a prescription renewal at the above location.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell people “fuck you” in a way that they actually feel good about it.

I haven’t received a reply yet. It’s still early in the morning though. They haven’t been open for very long.

Anyway… On to D&D… which will be a majority of this post since it sucked last night. Pretty hardcore actually…

We spent two hours getting on to Roll20 and figuring out audio settings for everyone. The GM kept having lag issues, so he constantly had to disconnect or refresh. After a while of not being able to even type in the chat window because the lag was so bad, I suggested we try Skype instead.

So then we all had to switch over to that and remember our login information and get it sent to Dark so she could create a call for the group…

Once we finally got to a point where we could game, Dark decided to spend nearly an hour and a half going off and doing her own thing without talking to the party about it first. When the party finally was reunited she proceeded to act as if she were the group leader, conveying information to the queen of the lizardfolk, but she was doing such a poor job of it and giving such misinformation that my character called her out.

Dagger: Actually, you can’t promise any of those things because we don’t know what the humans will actually do once we return to them. And really, the humans wanted us to come here to ask two questions specifically, which you haven’t asked, so it’s highly unlikely that they would help at all even if we did return to them. By the way, your majesty, is Saltmarsh safe and what has really been going on for your people with these attacks and stuff?

Seriously, last night was one of those moments where inside my head I’m thinking, “go fuck yourself. I hope your character dies”.

Irrational Right Brain: I get that your the DM’s wife but literally everyone is tired of the time you waste bickering with your husband when he makes a ruling you don’t like or agree with. We’re all tired of you not acting like you’re part of the group and running off to do your own thing and then getting pissy when you trigger a trap or something and no one is there to help save you. For being the person who “needed D&D” in your life, you seem to be doing everything possible to make this a mind-numbingly tedious experience for everyone else involved. The campaign doesn’t revolve around you.

I told Ox that I wasn’t sure if the group would last long enough to finish the campaign with the way it has been going. I can see the other two members getting tired of wasting their time and quitting or trying to find a better group. I wouldn’t blame them since I got more play time then they did and that’s saying something since I barely got to do anything at all.

On the bright side, I did get to sing my first song as a bard. : D

Ok… maybe I didn’t exactly “sing” it since it’s more of a poem than a song… but I wrote it off the top of my head none the less and I’m proud of it so I’m going to post it here to make everyone suffer just like my D&D group. ^^

Dagger’s First Poem:
Oh queen, oh queen do come to thee
Please grace this party with your divine beauty

From distant lands we have traveled far
To speak to you about troubles so large

Though draconic words not all we speak
Help we offer if perchance we meet

Oh queen of queen please come to me
I ask you grace this Tabaxie with your grand company

Totally sang/spoke that while I sat on the throne in the throne room since we were left unattended. Either she would love my song or be pissed that I was in her seat. I was ok with either as long as she showed up and we got to talk to her. XD

I’m thinking about reach out to the DM. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before. If I haven’t, I’ve thought it enough times to feel bad for not having done it yet. I’m also thinking of forcing a bit of role-playing into our next session. Not in a bad way… but our party is pretty disjointed and this recent experience with the lizardfolk queen proves it. We need to sit down as characters and actually start understanding one another and decide how we want to be structured as a party. Do we have a leader? Is it more of a democracy where everyone gets to throw in a vote? We have some downtime before we embark on our quest to take out the traitorous priests and their 1000 teeth monster. Hopefully, our group can figure out what type of party we want to be before we get there.

So yeah, D&D wasn’t awesome, but it had its moments. The miniatures Ox and I ordered came in yesterday, but since we played online we didn’t really get to use them. Much lame. ;-;

Since the online option didn’t seem to work out all that well, I offered to host our next campaign here at the apartment. Everyone seems on board with it, so we’ll see how next Wednesday goes. I’m hoping it will be better.

After D&D, Ox came over since Lil’ Ox had gone back to her mom’s house earlier in the evening. There was mind-melting sexy role play sexy time. When I say this was a level of hawt never yet experienced, I mean it was a level of hawt that had never yet been experienced. Sooooooo insanely good. Hooooooly fuck. I’m still floating on a personal cloud of bliss this morning, and that’s after a six-pound cat decided to wake me up by jumping off the windowsill directly onto one of my ovaries. >.<;

Not how I wanted to start the day, but still not bad enough to fuck with my feelings from last night’s amazingly dirty, depraved, slutty fun time. Not even going to be sorry if language like that causes anyone to blush. Yeah. It was so good I’m not even able to feel embarrassed about it. My stress levels are beyond appreciative.

Today is yet again a dreary, rainy day. At least it’s not snow…? It’s also decently warm rather than freezing. I’m pretty low energy. Most likely because after making two drinks last night during D&D I had total faith in my ability to make a third drink.

My head: I have regrets. Many, many regrets. >.<;

Luckily, I don’t have a lot to do today. I got a message from work last night during D&D asking if I would cover a shift for incentive pay, but it got covered by someone else. Not complaining. I have to get the clothes from the house so I can’t put them away at some point. Not sweating over it.

Really… I wouldn’t mind doing a bunch of nothing. My final meal is cooking at the moment and that’s pretty self-sufficient since all it needs to do is bake for an hour. I’ve written what feels like a massive post… With everything else in my life still mostly stable and quiet I feel like I can actually afford to chill today and enjoy some stillness and peace.

Daily Post 212: The Positives of Yesterday

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I’m starting today off by writing. I’ve already sent a message to L since there were tentative plans on meeting today after my counseling. A lot of places were closed yesterday while Ox and I were out, so I think it might be best to postpone further meetings until the world stops losing its mind.

But, let’s jump into yesterday since a lot of stuff happened. All good stuff, too, I’m happy to report.

First off, yesterday was sunny. So the day already started out with better points than previous days despite all of the “what the fuck” things I had on my to-do list to figure out.

My list was a bit more organic yesterday than normal. Instead of mapping out how I envisioned the day going, I added tasks a handful at a time and tackled the small handful before assessing my energy levels and picking the next tasks to add to the list. It worked fairly well.

I canceled the electricity set up which was a pleasant and quick phone call. I messaged my cousin. I called the pharmacy and got my Synthroid figured out. I called and left a message with the apartment complex since no one answered the phone. I cooked the chicken for part of my meal prep. I sent a message to my primary care physician inquiring about a refill for my Zoloft since I don’t feel my life is in a place to try discontinuing it.

I messaged L. I messaged Nicki and got information about jury duty. There’s a letter the company can send on my behalf explaining that they can’t cover my absence for two weeks or longer. I wrote and posted my writing. I showered. I got dressed. I set up appointments with my Endocrinologist and even created a contact for them on my phone.

By that point, Ox was off work. We agreed to meet in town for lunch. He called shortly after I had left Hickman saying most places were closed, so it didn’t seem like lunch would be an option. Lame. He said he would run over to GNC for the energy drinks. We agreed to meet at Office Depot. I had an empty ink cartridge to turn in and between our DnD sheets and my typed notes for Sociology, I needed more page protectors.

I ended up getting 50 heavy weight, super sexy page protectors for $8 due to the credit I’ve built up from returning ink cartridges. Totally not complaining. We basically got them half off.

Irrational Right Brain: Oh, yeah. Look at me and my bad self being a sexy, thrifty bitch. /struts around

Once that was done Ox and I decided to brave Costco to see if we could get the few remaining items on our shopping list. While we were there I got gas for the car.

Costco wasn’t packed which was nice, and they actually had everything I needed. They also had signs encouraging social distancing, so of course I clung to Ox’s arm for nearly the entire time we were there.

Me: I’m social diiiisssstttttaaaaancing. DIIIIISSSSSTTTTAAAAANCING! You know, so you don’t get my GEEEEERRRRRMMMMMS!

Ox: I want more than your germs… >.>

Me: /blushes like a school girl

Was totally not prepared for that response to my bratty, smart-assed comments. XD

Since we were near the new apartment and I had yet to receive a phone call back from them, five hours later, I made the choice to stop in personally.

That ended up being an amazing experience.

So… If Jona nd I wanted a 2nd-floor unit, we would have to wait until the 18th of April to move in. That means we would have to figure out a place for him to stay for roughly a week with his dog. That would be pretty hard to do.

If we went with a 3rd-floor unit, we could move in as soon as April 1st. No matter which option we went with, we would be in the same style of unit, we would still receive the original promotion and rate we had signed up for, and all of April would be prorated for free.

Let me type that again…

Jon and I will be getting two months of rent… FREE. Regardless of when we move in.

Me: Why, yes. I would love to move in on April 1st. Thank you.

So that’s set into motion. April 1st is a Wednesday, so I have it off from work. With the month being prorated the way it is, I have all of the money needed to cover the pet deposit and the security deposit. With having the apartment secured before Jon moves up, we won’t have to worry about getting a hotel room on the 9th. He can just move into his new home. I have roughly two weeks to move most of my crap down two flights of stairs then up another three. With still recovering from surgery, I’m thinking that packing lighter boxes and making more trips would be the better option rather than trying to cram everything into as few trips as possible. I’ll last longer if I do things lighter. Especially on my own since Ox works on my off days.

So yes. Lots of positivity from the Universe.

Oh! And my Synthroid didn’t have a co-pay when I picked it up. Even better. : D

So yesterday turned out to be a pretty awesome day. After I got back to the apartment, I put the new groceries away and proceeded to sleep until 9:30 pm. I woke up, ate, then went back to sleep until about 6:30 this morning. I actually feel rested. I feel mentally able to handle my life since so many areas are more stable than they were yesterday morning.

As I said, I have counseling today, but that’s really the only time-sensitive obligation I have. And once again, I feel sorry for my consulder.

Counselor: So, how have you been?

Me: Well…. so all of THIS happened…

I plan for today to be mostly dedicated to catching back up with school and cleaning the apartment in small doses. That’s the next two days actually. School and cleaning. Maybe starting in on packing the non-essentials since I move in two weeks.

In two weeks I’ll have my own washer and dryer. In two weeks I’ll have a dishwasher that works. In two weeks I’ll have a ceiling fan again. In two weeks I’ll have a balcony door that isn’t finicky and actually closes properly.

In two weeks I officially begin a new chapter. I know it’s been a bit since my surgery and all, but moving is a significant change, an actual marker. Moving into the new apartment will be a start. I haven’t figured out what it will be a start of, but a start none the less. I’m looking forward to it.

Daily Post 191: Pre-D&D

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Not 100% proof read. My bad.
Didn’t want to be late for D&D <3

The past few days have been eventful and productive.

Monday went well. Work was decent. Nothing overly exciting happened. I used timers on my phone to work in time to color instead of taking as many smoke breaks. It seemed to work well and something I will continue trying to do.

Monday night went well. I wrote and posted. I did dishes. Ox came over once he was at a stopping point with WoW. I cooked us dinner before we started plucking away at our D&D characters. Dinner wasn’t anything fancy. Just some burger patties. I added mushrooms and onions with pepper jack cheese to mine. Tasty and filling.

This is the first foray into character creation that Ox and I have done by ourselves. When I’ve made characters before I’ve always had someone more experienced guiding me through the process. From a psychological aspect, I can make a fairly solid personality and backstory for a character, but figuring out stats and proficiencies, and traits, and spells or abilities and items, and alignment, and, and, and, and…

It can get daunting pretty fast when you look at the entire task rather than breaking it down into smaller, manageable pieces. It didn’t help that with the D&D Beyond website, my class isn’t listed because it’s not a “standard” class. Of course, cat people wouldn’t be standard… bastards…

Around 10 pm I was tired enough to call it quits. Ox stayed up significantly later, until close to 1 am, working on both our characters. Not only did he figure his out, he also went into the “homebrew” section and created a race specifically for my character that we could use with the D&D Beyond system.

That’s what I woke up to Tuesday morning. I sat down at my laptop to begin typing up my notes for my sociology class and got distracted by investigating the D&D pages left open on my browser. I can’t put into words how touched I was. He took the time to create something specifically for me. It was something I didn’t have to worry about figuring out anymore. It was already done. At least for the most part. All of the information was in there. I dinked around with it for a bit and was able to fine-tune things so modifiers showed up in the right spots and such. But a majority of the leg work had already been done and that was an amazing gift.

I spend about 30 minutes absorbed in D&D stuff. Eventually, I began working on my notes. I showered and got ready for class. I packed up my things then headed into town. I stopped at Walgreens for a refill of my Zoloft. There wasn’t a copay this time, so that was another nice surprise.

I went to school. I got there early so I kept typing up my notes. The class wasn’t all that awesome. We mostly talked about how to properly cite sources in APA format. We talked about “success in college”. That was mildly interesting since we delved into studies and statistics and research. It wasn’t just “take my word for it” BS, but rather scientifically verified things.

Interestingly enough, standardized testing isn’t a very good indicator of success in college. I liked seeing that, actually. For a while, I’ve felt that tests aren’t a true measure of a person’s ability. They’re only one aspect of a much more complex situation.

Towards the end, we starting talking about critical thinking skills, which again, was interesting, but overall I felt like I didn’t gain a lot of information or insight from this particular class session.

After class, I went to Hi-Way Diner. I finished up with most of my notes; formatting the text and such. That helped fill the time while I waited for Ox to get there from work. We ate. I looked at my finances. I’m pretty tight on money right now but I think we’ll be ok.

We went to Costco for water since I’ve been going through it like crazy. I’ve been running warm recently. I’ve been leaving the heat off and opening the window in the bedroom at night so it feels cool enough to let me sleep. I haven’t had a fever, so I have that going in my favor.

I didn’t have a lot of energy for most of Tuesday. Staying up late was the main reason I think. Eating lunch didn’t help give me energy, so once we were done with Costco I was pretty much done with everything. All I wanted was to go home and take a nap.

Ox stopped at the gas station near home and got me a small carton of heavy cream since I needed that for one of my meals. He carried the water into the apartment for me, too, because he’s awesome like that. Once he left I crawled under my weighted blanket and slept for roughly three hours. I woke up feeling better and able to continue plucking away at the to-do I had created in the morning.

I cooked both my meals. I tried making the creamy chicken pasta again. Instead of zoodles, I used cauliflower rice. It’s good, but still a little on the bland side. I’m not sure what would help spice it up. Maybe a tablespoon of Italian seasoning or something along those lines. The recipe has a very soft, subtle flavor and I like my food to be bolder.

I went over to the house around 5:30. Ox and I kept working on our D&D characters. We had dinner with his parents. Steaks with side-salad. No complaints.

I think it was around 9:30 or 10 that we wrapped things up with the characters. I emailed our sheets to the DM so he could have them for Wednesday evening. Ox and I trekked back to the apartment and went to bed together.

He woke up this morning for work. I stayed in bed, once again foregoing the 5:30 am class I had thought I was interested in.

I started my day around 7:30. I had breakfast then went to sit down at my laptop only to realize I had left my backpack at the house. That had me trudging out into the snow that wasn’t supposed to have been falling, to the car, driving to the house, picking up my backpack as Papa Ox snickered at me, driving back to the apartment, to finally begin the day as I had intended. Sans breakfast though since I had foolishly heated up a container of chicken then left it unattended with the kittens… Yeah… totally didn’t get to eat half of my breakfast because of that.

I went through my “in” pile since that’s been building up. I paid all of the medical bills I’ve received so far using my HSA account. That thing has been a life saver. I don’t know what I would be doing without it since I’ve paid almost 1k in medical expenses so far.

I put the laundry away since I had washed and dried it last night while I was at the house. I cleaned the litter box. I washed dishes. I typed up the last bit of my notes, so I’m caught up in that regard. I printed out the D&D sheets for Ox and I to use tonight. That had me fighting with the printer for a while and I still didn’t get it 100% right. I really do dislike this printer. >.<; It should not have taken half the effort it did to print those sheets.

I eventually showered and got dressed. I packed for the gym so I could bike after I was done at school. I drove into town. The roads weren’t bad, but they weren’t perfect either. The snow was starting to stick and certain spots were slick. There was an accident right where I needed to turn to get into the college. That had me running a little late, but at least it looked like a fender bender rather than anything super bad.

Counseling went well. We talked pretty extensively about my past week and my feelings regarding it. I talked about how I’ve been productive and writing more, using my to-do lists as a way to keep myself on track and to remember everything I was able to get accomplished.

We talked about how I felt like at least part of it was coming from the medications. Part of the productivity might be the Synthroid. Having energy after work is unheard of for me, not that I’m necessarily complaining. Just noting that it’s not “normal” for me. The energy hasn’t been interfering with my sleep. I’m able to go to bed at decent times and sleep deeply enough to feel resting, so there’s that. More energy, but not so much more that it’s fucking with my life.

I mentioned how I think sleeping well is factoring into my new found “ok” feeling. I get restorative deep sleep and I think the weighted blanket has something to do with that. I also think having slower, less crazy days factors into that. Taking time for self-care is also affecting things I believe.

The Zoloft may be keeping my depression in check, which I said was a bit disheartening, however, knowing how hard last winter was for me, I’m not ready to try discontinuing it. Maybe it’s the crutch I need while I rebuild all of the habits that help me be ok on my own.

I mentioned how I was going to wait until the weather started warming up and the days were sunnier; most likely towards the end of March. Spring-ish. That’s when I want to see about backing off of the Zoloft. Right now I would rather keep doing well and feeling well about my days than going back to feeling sad and tired all the time.

We talked about my Wellness Assessment at the gym and my workout on Sunday. We talked about my feelings regarding my new baseline and my plans in regards to the gym. I mentioned how at first I had put on my schedule to go to classes early in the morning, but at the moment that wasn’t working for me. I enjoy my mornings at the apartment too much to want to give them up. I like being about to have a slow start to the morning, enjoying my breakfast, doing chores, making my to-do list, actually sleeping until I’m ready to wake up…

I don’t want to give that up just to take a class at 5:30 in the morning that I’m physically not able to complete. I know I can’t do an hour’s worth of cardio yet. I’m not recovered enough for that. It seems to be working better to go to the gym on my own and to do what I want for as long as I want and to be happy and content with that.

We also talked about the upcoming D&D meet this evening, how Ox and facilitated a lot of it, and how in general, he and I are doing really well. We’ve been doing more things together. Intentionally interacting rather than mutually ignoring each other while we’re in the room together. Not that I mind moments like that. I enjoy cross-stitching next to him on the bed while he plays WoW. Honestly, I do. But if that’s the only interaction we have, it can lead to feeling disconnected.

By doing more things together, I can enjoy the times we’re together in solitude and I can enjoy my actual alone time because I have these other moments of connectedness. It’s all about balance and I think we’re finding a better one for us now that things are settling down.

So yeah. Counseling was a good session. We’re going to continue to monitor how the coming week goes and check back in, a bit more indepth, about my feelings regarding the medication issues.

After counseling, Ox sent me a picture of my car, showing that he was in the school parking lot. I went out and had a cigarette with him. I still had to figure out my references for the report assignment in my class, so I didn’t want to leave campus yet. I did want to take advantage of his surprise visit though and see him for a few minutes while I could.

It was a nice transition from counseling to school tasks. I got a hug which almost always makes things better.

He drove me back up to the front of the school so I didn’t have to track back through the snow to get there. I set up camp in one of the booths across from the cafeteria and plucked away at finding decent sources for my paper. I found 7 that I’m thinking about using. I only have to turn in four for the assignment tomorrow. Every extra source I use is extra points. I would rather have too many sources and not use all of them then realize I don’t have enough information to answer all of the questions in the paper.

So yeah, that took about two hours to shift through. I filled out the sheet with all of my reference information that’s’ due for class tomorrow. I’m content with the progress I made in the realm of school for today, so I’m done with that area of my life for the moment.

I went to the gym again. I biked for 30 minutes this time. Got to 5.64 miles and made it to gear six, which is one higher than Sunday. I started to feel my incision, which is where I decided to back off, do a bit of a cool down, then call it quits for today.

I did better than last time, so it was a good workout in my book. I actually worked up a sweat this time. It felt good. I’m happy with my effort.

And now I’m back at the apartment, writing, before taking another shower and heading out to D&D like the nerd I am. I’m looking forward to it. I think we’re all going to be chipping in for pizza. I hope it’s a good night. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. : 3

Daily Post 186: Day 2

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I didn’t sleep well last night. I think a lot of that has to do with this cold thing I’m still contending with. I spent the majority of the evening feeling like I needed to sneeze and being unable to. My nose was hypersensitive. The feeling of air moving through my nasal passages was borderline painful. Hard to get rest like that…

I did manage to fall asleep a handful of times. Ox stayed the night with me. It was comforting to be able to be in bed next to him; to reach out and touch his shoulder or rub my foot against his. The night might not have been the most restful, but it was a decent night despite my sleepless, sneezeless misery.

Ox and I shared a cigarette this morning before he left for work. I was able to go back to sleep for about three hours afterward. I feel relatively fine. Not tired and exhausted. Still under the weather. Finally, blessedly, I’m starting to sneeze. The sinus pressure that was making my teeth ache is subsiding. Overall, I feel able to do the few things I have planned for the day.

I’ve already taken my second dose of Zoloft. Taking it in the morning will be easier for me to do rather than in the middle of the day. So far I haven’t noticed any side-effects.

I did talk to one of my coworkers who is on this particular medication. She said that I need to give it at least two weeks. In the beginning, my mood may fluctuate as the Zoloft builds up in my system. She said she would be ok with reaching out to me and checking in with me. Her advice is to give the medication time and to not give up on it too quickly.

With my effort to write and reflect and the amount of people who promise to let me know if they start seeing issues… I’m a bit more ok with extending my one week trial run to two. It doesn’t seem like the eternity it did yesterday afternoon.

I don’t think the medication has had time to really do anything for me or to me. I don’t think I have energy and willpower today because of it. I think a lot of it has to do with all of the conversations I had yesterday and the general feeling that I’m not alone. Ox and I were also able to have sexy time yesterday. I’m sure that is a huge factor to the feeling of connectedness that I feel; the okness.

He still calls me his good girl. He still says I’m his. I told him inside my head my Evil Voice was saying that I’m on medication and have cancer.

Ox: And you’re still mine.

All of the warm fuzzy feelings.

I have a handful of things I want to get done at the apartment before going in for counseling today. I plan to use my to-do list. I like the thought of using it.

I’m ok with today so far. I’m ok with yesterday, too. So far, I’m ok with ok.

Daily Post 185: Post Pre-Op

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I had my pre-op appointment today. I’ve smoked way too many cigarettes between then and writing this. I can tell because my body is pissed at me. Fuck you, body. That’s what you get for having cancer.

I suppose to some people that type of humor isn’t appropriate, but it’s getting me through my day, so there’s that.

My surgery is cleared. I had some blood work done before leaving so they can check for anemia and such. I spent the majority of my forty-five-minute appointment crying. It started with my primary physician coming in and asking how I was doing.

Seriously. Fuck that question. >.<

I mean… I appreciate it. I truly do, but if you want to open the floodgates of my emotional reality, that’s how you do it.

I told her about my diagnosis. I finally got to tell her thank you. Because of her care, we were able to find out about my cancer and to take the needed steps to remove it. I told her how the past month or so has been hard and getting progressively harder as the surgery date gets closer. I told her about the night I looked up overdosing, how I’ve been going to counseling, how Ox and I have had more open communication.

I told her about my nightmares and fatigue and how silly, stupid, “normal” things feel overwhelming. Crushing. I told her how I understood this wasn’t a forever type of situation but how everything post-surgery felt so nebulous and far away and unknown and that post-surgery is where I feel like I will struggle even more.

She asked if I was opposed to taking something for depression and anxiety. My reply was I felt like taking medication would be treating symptoms rather than addressing the root cause of the issues.

She understood my perspective. She also countered with relating mental and emotional health to a viral cold. When you have a cold there really isn’t anything you can take to make things “better”. You have to let the body work itself out. You can take decongestants, or Tylenol to lower a fever, but nothing is going to make the cold go away faster. The meds help you function for those 10 or so days where you feel like crap.

They help you sleep at night. They help you breathe easier. They help keep the sinus pressure bearable so you can still go to work even though you most likely shouldn’t but bills are a thing and so off to work you go to infect all your coworkers…

She thinks it would be a good idea for me to start taking Zoloft. It would be one of the lowest doses. 25mg. One tablet every day. It will take about three weeks for it to build up to a consistent level in my system.

It won’t be a miracle pill. It won’t make me bright and sunny and happy. It won’t make unicorns gallop under colorful rainbows with pots of gold at the end. In theory, it WILL help me think clearer and calmer. It will help keep me from having as many super-low days.

There’s a whole list of side-effects that it could have; one of them being worsening suicidal thoughts not to mention the lowered blood pressure leading to dizziness and falling down. Let me tell you how much it would suck to fall down while I’m trying to cannulate a patient…

So… I now have a choice…

I can keep going as I am, struggling and feeling like I’m not doing well and that I’m constantly falling into a hopeless pit of despair. Or… I could try taking a medication that may or may not make things worse.

I’ve talked to Ox pretty extensively about it. He’s hesitant for me to start taking Zoloft when I’m about to begin taking Synthroid after the surgery. I share those concerns. I feel like it will be hard to tell which medication is doing or not doing what.

I spoke with my FA pretty extensively about the situation, too. She thinks it would be good to try it.

Both Ox and my FA agreed to be a safety net for me. If they begin seeing behavior that “isn’t me” they will let me know. They also agreed to check in with me to see how I’m doing emotionally. A lot of that will hinge of me being honest about how I’m feeling, something I’m not always the best at…

Both Ox and FA agree that beginning to write daily again could help gauge emotional stability and track emotional changes. It would allow me to reflect on myself and to be aware of how the medication may or may not be affecting my thoughts.

I think going back to my daily to-do lists would also be beneficial. I don’t have to make endless pages of tasks, but I could give myself one or two things to start with. That’s it. Just those two things. It could help give some sort of structure and stability to my day and give myself a visual representation of what my day was like. This day I got all of this done. This day was harder but I got these things done. This day was fantastic and I got all of this done. My to-do lists would let me track my energy a bit easier, a bit clearer, than what I might get from purely writing.

I’m scared to try this medication. I’m scared of surgery. I’m scared of the unknown. On the flip side, I do think I have a strong support system full of people who care about me and who will look out for me.

Ox and I agreed we will give it one week; one week to see if things get worse. If they do, I stop. If not, we give it one more week. If it gets worse, I stop. If not, one more week and so on and so on.

The one-week method seems doable. It gives me a clear, defined timeline to track and measure for improvement or decline, not just in mental and emotional status, but general health. Am I having GI issues, drowsiness, insomnia, panic attacks, or any of the other number of potential side-effects, and if I am, do the pros, if there are any, outweigh the cons?

So yeah… One week. I will give it one week.

I will write a quick note each morning about how I feel, emotionally as well as physically. How did I sleep? How do I feel about the coming day? Is my stomach upset? Do I have an appetite or no?

When I get home I’ll write another note. How did the day go? How did I do physically, emotionally? How do I feel about sleeping and waking up for the next day?

So, today, at 2:30 PM, I am taking my first pill, my first dose, of Zoloft. It is one week and 12 hours before my surgery. I have an army of supporting people who love me. I WILL survive this situation.

This begins my one week. I’m nervous yet at the same time desperate enough to try this method. Other’s can only help so much. I know I would benefit from help internally, if just until things settle down and normalize to the new normal that will be my life post-surgery.

This isn’t for forever. This is for right now. We don’t look down on people taking a pain med when they have broken bones. This is my first step towards not looking down on myself for taking a medication for my mental health.

I love you, self. Forever and for always, I’m here for you and we’ll get through this together.