Daily Summary:
Another night of decent sleep. That’s two in a row! Life goals are being reached!

I woke up to Ox calling me. I “Mhmmm”ed and “yeah”ed my way through the conversation, still clinging to the wonderful sleep I had been having until he got the unspoken message that I wasn’t going to wake up yet. After about another hour of sleep, I finally slugged my way out of bed. Called Ox back for an actual morning chat. I was feeling pretty good. I felt like I had energy to do some things before work, so I did.

I got my threads up away. I cleaned up all the fabric that I had gone through while I was prepping my next projects. I even went through the baggies of thread ends and made sure they were all labeled with the right year. I did a lot of cleaning and organizing in regards to my cross-stitch stuff and it felt good to finally get those things done. 

I cooked one of the frozen meals I bought yesterday with Ox. Ricotta stuffed shells. It was actually surprisingly awesome. 

I paid bills and filled out the application for the house John is leasing. I’m hoping that gets approved without issue. 

I didn’t do much of anything else before work. Ox stopped by after work and hung out with me again. Around that time was when I started feeling extreme fatigue. Thankfully it got better after a few hours. It was nice having Ox around again, doing his own thing on the PS4. It makes part of my brain wonder what it will be like to finally live together again. To not always be aware of the minutes until we go our separate ways. To fall asleep next to each other continuously like we used to unlike the two maybe three times a week we do now. 

I stitched a fair amount today. I didn’t listen to my book more. The next chapter is where Rachel talks about the suicide of her brother. I don’t think it would be a good idea to listen to that while at work or before going to bed. I’m pretty sure it’s going to stir up my own grief for mom. 

While I was on my lunch break I loaded the dishwasher and set it to run. I cut up the chicken quarters so I could put them in the freezer until next week. I swept the kitchen and wiped down the counters. I even bagged up the trash to take it out later. Look at me being productive and efficient. 

I also packed up most of the stuff I wanted to take to the house with me this weekend. After that, I finished out my night at work. 

When I got to the house Ox was apologetic, saying he was tired and going to be going to bed. I was disappointed. That hadn’t been the vision I had of our night together. But it’s ok. After about 5 or 10 minutes I had come to terms with the change and figured out a new plan for my night.

I would heat up the chili I brought with me. I would write since I hadn’t done that yet. I would shower after writing and by then Mama Ox should be asleep which means I can cross-stitch in the living room alone with the cats. 

Tonight is different than what I thought it would be, but it can still be a good night. I’ve already eaten. I’m nearly done writing. Mama Ox is in the process of heading to bed. Everything is going well even if it is different. 

Random Ramblings:
I read last night’s writing to Ox today. It was easier than I thought it would be. He assured me I could tell him anything, always. I believe him. After four years of being together and working through hard or uncomfortable conversations, I have learned that I CAN talk to him and I do not need to fear his reaction or losing his love and support. 

I told him how last night had been insightful. People think I am enlightened or that I have my life together and here is yet another example of how I don’t. How I’m human with flaws and how even after 30 years I’m still figuring things out about my own behavior. 

I do feel I should clarify a bit about the “comply” part of the writing. After rereading it, I realized I didn’t do a good job of explaining the difference between obedience and compliance. 

If dad told me to help rake the yard, it wasn’t enough to say “Yes, Sir.” I had to be ok with doing the chore. I couldn’t sigh or complain. I had to not only do the chore I had to be willing to do it. If I made any indication that I wasn’t “happy” about having to do something it was almost as bad as not doing it at all. 

That’s I guess what I was trying to get at with making the distinction between obedience and compliance. I not only had to do what I was told. I had to be happy about it, or at least be really good at pretending it didn’t bother me even if it did. 

On to another totally different topic…

I found out why my previous refill of Synthroid cost me twice as much as it did before…

Because my plan is dumb. 

I mean… that’s really what it comes down to. Because I’m taking two 125 mcg daily, I’m considered on a “weird” dosage and my plan doesn’t cover anything other than “normal” so I’m getting charged double what I was paying with my previous insurance. 

What the fuck?

There’s not a whole lot I can do about it right now. Honestly, the only way I could maybe change my dosage is to lose weight. Since I’ve been sick the past two weeks or so, that hasn’t been very high on my priority list. I’m hoping to be back at it soon. And maybe, maybe, it can save me $40 a month for the meds I don’t have a choice in taking if I want to keep living. 

Our system is seriously fucked up.