belief

Musing Moment 127: LFTIO – Storyline Reflection

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 6.0
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”



List the significant events in your life in chronological order and rate them on a scale of -10 to 10.

What do you notice about your StoryLine? What events stand out? What are the significant patterns of work, relationship, and or change that you see?

I notice that a lot of the events on my timeline happen together. Seldom is there ever one event. Several significant things occur around the same time period. When looking at my events in relation to my age and how I felt those events rated, no one time in my life is ever wholly negative or positive. There is a balance I am able to see with hide-sight and the perspective this exercise offers. A pattern which seems to emerge for me personally is that personal relationships fuel change within my career.


How have the higher ranked experiences shaped you? Your leadership? Your beliefs? Your values?

The higher ranked experiences seem to be centered around schooling, personal projects, or work. They shaped me by honing my trade skills and soft skills such as time management, collaboration, and communication. As a leader, a lot of these experiences put me in a leadership position, each event a bit more so than the last. I suppose in a way I was gradually getting my feet wet. Each event taught me something valuable about myself and others. Each event affirmed something I believed in and was striving for. Each event supported my values and made me feel fulfilled and like I was doing something positive with my life.


How have the lower ranked experiences shaped you? Your leadership? Your beliefs? Your values?

The lower ranked experiences tend to center around relationships. These events I feel had more of an impact on shaping me because I learned how to stand back up after getting knocked down. At each point, I was faced with giving up or being true to myself. In the extreme case of my mother’s death, it was the struggle of actually finding myself; my true self.

While these were undoubtedly negative experiences, they were crucial moments in my life. I had the option to take the easier route of being bitter, judgemental, and jaded, or the harder option of trying to understand and learn from the experiences I was faced with. My negative experiences showed me how I didn’t want to be, in terms of other people’s behaviors, and affirmed why I did want to be the way I chose to be.

Why is listening important? Why is communication important? Why is honesty and trust important?

These negative experiences shaped my values and beliefs more firmly and irrevocably than the positive experiences and while I may not have enjoyed them in any sense of the term, I am grateful for them. Because of these lows in my life, I have a better sense of who I am and why I am that way.


Who has most influenced you and your development?

My mom. Hands down. Without a second thought. Until the day I die my answer will always and forever be my mom.


What does your StoryLine tell you about the leader and person you are? What does it tell you about the leader and person you aspire to be?

I think my StoryLine shows that I am emotionally driven. I am connection driven. I am loyalty driven. I am caring and compassionately driven. As a leader, my efforts are centered around others. Creating events for students. Taking steps to become a trainer within my clinic. Working with younger or newer members at the dojo. I like teaching and showing people new things, cool things, things they didn’t think they could do but can.

I don’t really think I aspire to “be” anything other than myself. Events happen along the way and I make the choices I feel are appropriate and in line with my beliefs. I feel that by centering around the development of others, that my influence could potentially be far-reaching. Several of the key figures in my life have been teachers or instructors themselves. They not only affected my life but the lives of others. As we, the affected students, go about our own lives, we spread that influence to those we interact with; sometimes consciously and at other times subconsciously. We can never truly know how far reaching something as small as the comment, “I believe in you,” can be.

Musing Moments 123: LFTIO – Conscious Beliefs

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 2
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”.



What do you believe about yourself?

 I believe I am a good person. I believe I create ripples which have larger effects than I’ll ever be able to know or understand. I believe I am living the life and having the experiences I was meant to have. I believe that I will be ok even when it feels like I won’t be.

I believe my mom would be, and is, proud of me and the choices I have made before, during, and after her death. Even the choices she may not have agreed with or had hoped I would avoid making I think made her proud because they were learning experiences which helped turn me into the me I am today.

I believe I am here to help people through their own dark times because the only reason I have made it through my own dark times was because of the support of others. No man is an island and I cannot deny nor discredit the help I have had in making it to where I am in life.

I believe I function better when I am able to have solitude and time away from the chaos and noise of life to reflect on my emotions, reactions, situations and to self-analyze so I understand myself and others more clearly. I believe that introversion and extroversion should not be categorized in terms of strengths or weaknesses. I believe there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and that my need for solitude is not unhealthy and does not require intervention.

I believe I still have a lot of work to do within my inner and outer worlds, but I can and will recognize that I have come a long way throughout my life. I will not deny how far I have come in the three years since mom’s death even if acknowledging that progress is painful to certain areas of my consciousness.

I am, and will continue to live a life I can be proud of; one with honor, intention, and empathy. I will continue to try to understand my grief. I will continue to not let my sadness win. I will continue to tell my evil voice of self-doubt to sit down and shut up while I go off and prove to myself that I can and will do amazing things.

I believe that I will continue to grow as a person, learning, experiencing, adjusting, and evolving. I believe I will continue to be a force of awesome within the universe for the brief moment of time I am here to do so.


What do you believe about other people?

 I believe most people have good intentions. I believe people are driven first and foremost by self-preservation. I believe that everyone has a story with dark sections they do not want to talk about or share or experience a second time. I believe that everyone is human and that when I am hurt by someone in order to truly understand why I hurt I must step outside of myself and strive to understand the other person’s motivation and the backstory leading up to the situation we find ourselves in.

I believe most people will not understand me or my inner world. I believe most people will continue to be intimidated or dismissive of me and my beliefs because of the intensity in which I feel my truths, values, and commitments. I believe I will always feel like an outsider in regards to my place within society and that a large part of this “outsider-ish” feeling has to do with identifying as an INFJ and my personality type making up less than 1% of the world’s population. Much like life, I feel regardless of what others believe, say, or feel, my being an INFJ is a fact and that I am in control of how I view this fact in regards to it being good or bad; positive or negative.

I believe other people will always have their own thoughts and feelings. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean I have to agree with those opinions or accept them as my own truths.

I believe relationships, trust, and openness with others will continue to be the areas of my life requiring the most conscious attention due to my past experiences.

I believe that all people will, at some point, die, because we are all mortal and that is the natural order of things.


What do you believe about your teams?

 I believe my team works well together. I believe we will be ok once the clinic opens to six days a week again. I believe I will make sacrifices in future moments without thinking them through fully which will lead to, in some degree, regret and that this is something I should be aware of and consciously work to avoid for the betterment of the team.

I believe my FA works hard and does her best for our team and our patients. I believe my FA makes personal sacrifices for her team. I believe she genuinely cares about me as a person as well as a worker. I wish I were able to provide more support than what I am currently able and this inability to help more leads to feelings of inadequacy when I begin struggling with feelings of grief or depression; fuel for a self-destructive fire. Being aware of this as a Shadow Belief within myself, that I am inadequate, allows me to combat this and other false beliefs, thus allowing me to stay a strong, healthy, and balanced member of our team. It also allows me to help other members understand and cope with their own Shadow Beliefs which may be similar to my own.

I believe I am the most consistent member my team has had so far since the clinic opened. I believe I will continue to provide a sense of consistency, dependability, and organization to my team and I am ok with those being the unspoken roles I fill.


What do you believe about life?

 I believe that life has a purpose even if I feel lost and purposeless sometimes. I believe that I am on the path I am supposed to be on. I believe I have met the people I have and gone through the experiences I have survived for a reason. I believe that unfairness and fairness are subjective and in regards to life, hold no bearing. Life is. Life exists. Much like a fact, life is neither good nor bad. It is neither fair nor unfair. It is our own perceptions and judgments which color our world in the hues we choose to feel and see and accept as true.

Life has been a journey and while there have been moments of sadness and loss, I try extremely hard not to regret the choices I have made or the experiences I have gone through. I try to be content and accepting with where I am at in my journey because being sad or angry or wishing something had gone differently is a waste of energy. Nothing in the past can be changed. Harboring regret dishonors and diminishes the importance of all the good, positive, and beneficial things which were born out of those darker moments.

Since mom’s death, I view happiness as a fickle, fleeting thing, much like a candle flame which can, and will, be disturbed by the slightest of changes in the air. I strive to feel the calmer, more stoic, more foundational feeling of contentment. Happiness, in my opinion, is external; contentment is internal. I would rather my inner world be at peace and content rather than worrying about external displays of joy and happiness. I live life for myself, not for the outward approval of others.


What do you believe is your impact or influence on others?

 I believe I have a positive impact on those around me. I believe I am able to genuinely touch people through sharing my story. I believe I inspire people to realize themselves and to become more self-aware individuals. I believe I help them confront and fight their own evil voices because I have been able to confront and battle my own internal voice. I guess that’s what I really believe when it comes down to it. It’s not so much about being a positive influence. I help people be more aware of themselves.


What do you believe about leadership?

 I believe I have a very different view of leadership than most people.

I believe I have a dislike for the term leadership because it puts an unseen barrier between individuals. It creates a platform from which someone looks down from and others look up to. The term leadership, to me, creates distance and that distance feels like sandpaper beneath my skin.

Leadership isn’t about distance and levels and climbing a hierarchical ladder of BS.

Leadership, to me, is about being a role model. It’s about showing others how to be a decent, intentional, and aware human being. It’s about having made more mistakes than others and sharing how to overcome those mistakes or not make them again.

It’s about having people want to follow you because they believe in your cause just as much as you believe in it, not because you told or forced or paid them into following you. Being a leader means people trust you to not be a self-absorbed jerk and to not throw them under the bus just to save your own skin.

Leadership is about caring about others more than yourself. You care about others more than personal gain. More than personal image. More than personal security. More than a personal paycheck.

As a leader, you care about your co-workers, your team, your family, your community and society more than yourself as an individual or your own personal truths and beliefs. You care about basic human rights. You care about people not feeling used or taken advantage of. You care about people feeling like they matter and that there is a point, a reason, for waking up in the morning.

As a leader, you understand that others do matter. Others do make a difference and they do have the potential to be amazing even if they do not see it or understand it themselves.

As a leader, you are taking on the responsibility to care. As a leader, you see and acknowledge the effort others put in. As a leader, you help someone when you see them struggling. You guide and mentor and support others through their challenges, both internal and external. As a leader, you work just as hard as you ask those around you to, if not harder.

As a leader, as a role model of human decency, you compromise. You listen. You learn. You admit when you’re wrong. You don’t gloat when you’re right. You treat others with kindness and remain humble because no matter how high you climb, no matter how far reaching your influence, no matter how impressive your title becomes, we all will die. You. Me. Kings all the way down to the lowest of serfs. We will all return to dust and the titles and labels and invisible barriers we convince ourselves are there will be nothing once more. In the end, we’re all human. We’re all mortal.

Life is unfair. There’s no reason for us to make it harder on each other and as a leader, we are stepping forward on the battlefield of life and saying to all those around us, “I am here to help you not lose. I am here when your fight gets hard. I am here to battle your foe with you, shoulder to shoulder because I care about your struggles. I care about your life and your goals and your dreams and I’m going to help you reach them because you can reach them; the only person we have to convince of that truth is you.”

To me, that is leadership.

Musing Moments 122: LFTIO – Conscious Wake-Up Call

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 1
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”.




What is really important to me?

Making a difference in people’s lives is important to me. I need there to be a reason for me to be alive. I need there to be a reason for me to wake up in the morning otherwise what’s the point in doing it? What’s the point of struggling to understand and breathe through my grief and the pain and loneliness of mom being dead if everything is meaningless? What’s the point in doing anything if what I do doesn’t matter?

I realize this might be a coping mechanism and a dependency, but this is where I am currently at in life and in my grieving process. I need my life, my energy, my effort to matter and to legitimately make a difference so I have legitimate, almost tangible reason to keep living.

Not regretting my choices and wasting life is also important to me. My decision-making process is very different than what it was three years ago. I do more for myself. I am less of a work-o-halic. I am less of a perfectionist. I evaluate my choices through a lens of “If I were to die tomorrow, would I regret doing or not doing this action. I would regret saying or not saying these words?”

I try to ensure I am living the life I want to be living. I try to ensure I have a clear understanding of my values and priorities. I try to ensure that the ripples I make within my sphere of influence are positive and that I make amends when feelings are hurt. I try to resolve conflict as quickly and as mutually beneficial as possible. No one knows when their time will come and I do not want to leave things unspoken or undone, so I suppose in that regard closure is important to me as well. It’s important to me to go to sleep at night with a sense that I lived life the fullest I was able to that day. It’s important to me that nothing in regards to my relationships or personal wants feels like it was withheld, ignored or avoided because I might not have the chance to change or fix things later.


Is this the life I want to live?

Yes… and as much as I wish I could say otherwise, at the same time, no.

I want my mom to be alive. I don’t think those feelings or thoughts will ever change or go away. If I’m completely honest with myself and the Universe, I’m still just a little girl from a divorced family on the inside who wants to make mommy proud and now that mom isn’t here I’m having to adjust to living for myself. I struggle with feelings of not having a safety net; of not having a home to go back to. I most likely struggle more often than I admit to myself, let alone the outside world and there is a strain and weariness that comes with the feeling of having to be strong all the time for everyone always.

I can say, that though life is different than what I had wanted or expected it to be, I am content with where I am. I’m glad I moved to Nebraska even though several important people in my life did not agree with my choice. I am proud of the person I am turning into and I believe my mom would be, and is proud, of me as well. I, for the first time in three years, actually feel excited about different future events in my life and I wake up looking forward to things and with a sense of purpose more often than not.

I cannot and will not deny that there is a part of me who will always wish that things were just a little bit different than what they are, however, I believe I am living life to the best of my ability in this moment. I recognize that I am still emotionally and spiritually injured. I am still in the process of healing and figuring myself out. I understand it may still be years before I fully reconcile all of these new emotions and insecurities within myself. Maybe my best will improve as time goes on. Maybe I’ll eventually stop looking at life with such an acute awareness of death. All I can do is continue living and see where my journey takes me. I have no ultimate destination in mind and I think for the moment that’s ok. I am learning to live again and right now it feels like I’m where I’m meant to be going in the direction I am meant to go.


What gives passion, meaning, and purpose to my life?

Helping others realize that even when it’s dark and scary and they don’t know how they’re going to make it to the other side or if there is even an “other side” to get to, that they’ll be ok and they’re not alone. I suppose that could be summed up as supporting others; connecting with others. Much like when I played World of Warcraft as a Discipline Priest. I wasn’t the main healer. I wasn’t the main DPS or the tank. I didn’t need the spotlight. More accurately, I didn’t want the spotlight. I wanted to work in the background, supporting the rest of the group and knowing that I helped all of us reach the goal we were working for. I was part of something rather than “being” something. Most of my previous projects in the Computer Animation field and as an instructor were completed in the same mindset. I was part of a group. I was part of an event. I was part of something, which meant I was connected to something larger than myself.


How can I better serve, to make even more of a difference?

I don’t know. I guess that begs the question of do I want to make more of a difference? Maybe I don’t like this question because it makes it feel like what I’m already doing isn’t enough. Or maybe it’s because this question disregards everything I am currently doing.

I know that I want to become a preceptor so I can help train new techs Through training new techs, I would be indirectly helping the patients they interact with, thus increasing my sphere of influence.

I want to be an LPN to broaden my scope within the clinic, allowing me to increase the portion of the workload I am able to take for my team. I want to become an RN for the same reason. I would be better able to “serve” if I were allowed to do more things within the clinic.

Much further into the future, there’s the possibility of becoming an RN instructor; teaching others how to care for and be empathetic to patients. This would be another instance of both directly and indirectly affecting others.

There are so many possibilities and ways that I could do more. Maybe if there had been a question before this one of “What do you currently do to make a difference?” or something along those lines I wouldn’t have such abrasive feelings towards this one.

I do a lot. I want to do more. That doesn’t mean what I do isn’t enough.


How can I live connected to these inner values?

Again, this question is mildly frustrating. It makes it feel as if I’m not currently living connected to these inner values, even though I feel I am. It makes me question if what I am doing is good enough which makes me feel defensive because internally I feel I am doing good enough and I don’t want that inner truth to be questioned or attacked.

In regards to the inner value of purpose: I changed career fields so that every morning I wake up and go to work, I directly affect peoples lives. Without the dialysis treatment I help provide, people’s health and quality of life would be directly impacted. My team will suffer if I don’t show up to work. My patients will suffer if I don’t show up to work. My existence matters. Though I know my existence mattered while I was an instructor, sitting in front of a computer feeling like I was for the most part babysitting, did not give my life the sense of meaning I needed to keep struggling through my own internal battle of “Why? Why wake up? Why show up? The lab could be covered if I wasn’t here.”

On a personal level, I needed things to change and be different because I had changed. I was different. Life was different and could never go back to being the same. I needed my career to reflect that internal change so I changed it. I feel as long as I wake up and continue doing the work I am doing that I am living life in alignment to my value of purpose. My life has meaning and value because I give life, meaning, and value to others.

I’m not sure how to live life more inline to my value of closure more than I already do. I tell the people I love that I love them. I say sorry when I feel I am wrong, or when it is brought to my attention that something I said or did had a negative impact. I try to express my feelings rather than letting things fester under the surface, hidden by my silence. This is something I still need to work on, especially in my personal relationships, but I have come a long way in that regard and I will not be dismissive of my improvement. I try to make sure that things are “right” between me and the people I interact with. I am getting better about asking people the question, “Are we ok?” because I want to take the time and energy to fix it if we’re not.

The last value I feel I wrote about was my sense of purpose in supporting and connecting with others. I feel I do that through my work. I feel I do that at the dojo when I train with the other members. I help them improve and through helping them I help myself. I teach them to try and that their effort is not unnoticed. I teach myself to be patient and to think of something other than myself or my personal gain. I teach myself to care and see the world, the whole world, not just my narrow perspective.

By helping this eight-year-old girl not be timid and shy, I am showing her that it’s ok to be self-confident, to trust herself and that if she does something wrong it’s ok. There is honor in learning. There is honor in trying. I am teaching her that swinging and missing is ok as long as you take the time to regain your stance and try again. I’m teaching her the things I wish I had learned when I was her age because where would I be now if I had? Where would I be, what conflicts could I have avoided or navigated better if I hadn’t struggled so much with self-worth and self-confidence or the fear of failure?

I feel I do a fairly good job of living in accordance to my values. There is always room for improvement, but the defensiveness I felt at the beginning of this question I think stems from being made to question if what I do isn’t enough which may be my own Shadow Beliefs coming to the surface.