Evening Reflection 008: Maybe Getting Better!

Daily Summary:
I didn’t sleep well last night. Surprise. Surprise.

I kept getting progressively more congested. It wasn’t until midnight that I was able to take more Mucinex. Once I was able to re-up on meds I made it to sleep. With still being symptomatic I rescheduled my dentist appointment for next Friday. Hopefully, by then I’m over whatever this congestion crud is.

I have more hopes of getting over it sooner rather than later. After going back to sleep this morning, I woke up feeling better. I wrote for last night, which I skipped out on in the hopes of actually sleeping, which failed… I also wrote for this morning. Ox and I chatted a little, as did John and I.

I got a text message at 11:40 saying my internet would be down until 2pm. I messaged my supervisor an image of the text. Luckily the internet was restored, at least for my apartment, at 12:30, so I was able to log in for work on time.

As the day progressed I continued to feel better. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. Got to wash my new collapsible containers. I have a bunch of little ones for meal prep. For Christmas, Mama Ox got me bigger ones for storage purposes. Instead of freezing meat in plastic bags, I can use the larger containers. I can also use them for freezing the extras for my larger meals like chili and such. After a few trial runs, I felt like they were safe to get more of. I still have Christmas/Birthday money on my Amazon account. Decided to get more of the containers since I liked them. Since they were delivered to the house I wasn’t able to actually get them until yesterday.

Now I have them at the apartment and I can use them to my heart’s content. Organized dragon is happy. <3

I opened up the windows to air out the apartment of my sickness. Also started washing the bedding so I’ll have nice, fresh sheets to sleep in rather than sick yuck sheets.

I made a tuna cream cheese spread. It turned out pretty good. I think more of the cajun seasoning would help it out, but overall it’s worth keeping the recipe. Also a huge fan of the keto ziti recipe I found. I’ve missed red pasta foods.

I’ve been able to stitch a fair amount today. Hoping to complete the project I’m working on by the end of the week.

Ox went to sleep early today so there’s no evening chat, but I’m ok with that. We said goodnight while I was on my lunch break. I still have one more load of laundry I would like to get done. I’m content with the surprising amount of chores I was able to complete. With how I felt when I first woke up I was resigned for today to be another slack day of sickness fighting.

Random Ramblings:
Not really a whole lot on my mind to ramble about. With how heavy some of my other writings have been, I’m cool with not trying to figure out life for one night.

Daily Post 004: School and Storytime

Wooo! Writing twice in one week! Two in a row actually. That should be an achievement in itself.

Quick recap before getting into more “life” stories since I do have a stash of some pretty good ones… ones without graphic pictures of near-death experiences due to cats…

Not a whole lot to report for yesterday. I did laundry. I meal prepped. That’s another thing that should be listed as an accomplishment. I haven’t been prepping meals or grocery shopping like I used to. I’ve been haphazardly eeking by for so long that anything even halfway resembling my previous routines is celebrated as a win inside my head.

So yeah, there’s that. I put clothes away. Still waiting for the drawer organizers to come via Amazon. Looking forward to those and forcing organization back into my life. I talked to a coworker for a while. I organized the bathroom drawers where I keep all my morning stuff. Still not 100% happy with them, but they’re better than they were.

Mama Ox cleared off a shelf for me in the kitchen last night. That might be factoring into my whole “lack of routine” mood. For the longest time I didn’t have a place to keep anything. Maybe with having a spot where I belong in the kitchen that will change.

I did go through my notebooks yesterday. I haven’t been the best about making to-do lists but out of everything, that’s probably the one thing I’m most consistent with other than meds.

I registered for my summer class. That took some back and forth with my dean since the class I needed wasn’t showing up for me. It was nice to “talk” to her. It’s been almost four months since I’ve had any interaction with the nursing staff. I had another email this morning from her with the contact information for my Nursing Lab 2 instructor. I plan to reach out and introduce myself since she’s one of the few people I haven’t met in person yet.

I also found out I can register for fall classes already so I intend to do that at some point. Maybe today. Today is going better than it was this morning.

There was a lot of sexy time yesterday with Ox. Not going to lie, I was totally ok with all of it. I don’t think it was so much the sex that I needed or wanted. It was the intimacy. The closeness. The touching. The warmth. The moments of life not mattering and to-do lists not existing and levels of productivity not being met.

For a few hours, none of that mattered. It was just me and him and that was really nice. Connective. Stress-relieving.

I did read him my writing. That’s something I like and sometimes dislike about our relationship. He lets me read my writings to him. It’s how he can know what’s going on in my head. What I’m feeling. What I can’t communicate sometimes when we’re trying to have a conversation because I still don’t know what I think or feel yet.

It also means he knows about the times like last week, where he said my name. He sees me cry as I read out loud how I felt and why I felt that way. And so, just like that particular writing, yesterday he heard all about my connective experience with Jon and I realized how it must have made him feel like a third wheel.

Here Ox is, super supportive, stood with me through cancer, let’s me cry, and never once said “no” to anything I wanted to do with the bedroom. Yet here I am, talking Jon up like he’s the only support person I have in my life who understands me or cares… It left me feeling sort of shitty to be honest. It gave me some things to think about at the very least. I’m still thinking through them.

So… that was yesterday. No trip to the gym. No breakfast with my brother since we did lunch on Tuesday. No crazy day of crushing my lists. But it was a good day overall and in the frail emotional state I find myself in most days recently, I take comfort in knowing that I was able to have two good days in a row. I got stuff done and while it might not have been everything, “some things” is more than the “nothing” it could have been.

Today hasn’t been a total wash either which is comforting. I woke up at 8:30 which is late for me. I didn’t do a whole lot. Had part of a protein bar, talked to Ox, curled back up in bed…

It wasn’t until around 10:30 that I started actually “doing” anything. Jon had messaged me asking to take his dog out. I guess he had been running late and didn’t get a chance to do it before he had to go to work. Since I was literally still in bed I didn’t have a reason not to agree to help him out.

Ox called when he was off work. We agreed to meet at the diner I really like for lunch. That forced me to get out of bed finally. I drove to meet him and we had an enjoyable meal together. I don’t know why I love their omelets and hash browns so much. Maybe because it’s the closest thing I can get to Waffle House here in Nebraska.

We went to Costco afterward to get gas. That was the last “work prep” task I had on my list. Making sure I didn’t have to wake up super early in the morning to fill up before driving to work.

Nope. Here I am with clean clothes, food for lunches, and a full tank of gas.

Irrational Right Brain: Bring on the work week!

We stopped at Walmart after filling up. Ox wanted to look at mounting brackets for a hard drive. We also wanted to take a look at some bedding stuff and totes for winter clothing.

The mounting bracket was a bust as was the bedding. But we did get the totes so I can take care of some of the remaining piles in the room. That will feel nice when I get around to it.

I stopped at the apartment to take care of the dog. Since Jon wasn’t home and everyone else was at work, the apartment was extremely quiet. I ended up staying there for a while, napping, soaking in the solitude. I hadn’t realized how much I missed silence and the lack of energy around me until I curled up on my memory foam couch under my weighted blanket and just breathed.

I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to do. I didn’t have to worry or process or any of the stuff I feel like I have to constantly do. It was one of the best naps I’ve had in a while.

After waking up I came back to the house and so here I am. Writing. I feel ready to pack away the winter stuff. I feel able to register for those final classes. It’s odd how a little bit of alone time can completely change my mindset and mood, but there we are.

There’s still a few hours left in the day. It’s sunny outside and the wind it’s horrifically cold. I still have time to write a list and take care of a few things before enjoying an evening of cross-stitching and I’m looking forward to all of it. The productivity and the relaxation. I’m even looking forward to going back to work which is something I forgot I could do.

Alright. Now that “catch-up” is done, on to storytime.

Early on in the renovation process, Ox and I decided that we were going to tear out the ceiling. The room had a drop-down ceiling for whatever reason. Neither of us liked it. So since we were working on the room anyway, we decided we would take the extra time to get rid of it and make the room more like what we wanted it to be.

Well… come to find out while the addition was being built, someone stepped through the ceiling, so there was a giant hole no one knew about in the southeast corner of the ceiling… Well… there was no going back with the drop-down ceiling at that point, so it became an issue of, “How do we want to fix this?”

We tabled that issue for a bit as we continued removing tiles from the ceiling. When we got to the northeast corner we started finding Reese wrappers… in the ceiling…

Ox looked short of sheepish as he explained when he was younger he and his brothers used to have a bunk bed in that area, and his bed was the top bunk. The wrapper most likely was hidden in the ceiling after he had snuck candy from his parents.

I gave him points for being creative in hiding the evidence. XD

So… with all of the tiles and supportive framing removed, all that was left of the drop-down ceiling was the metal supports lining the walls. They were being held in place with screws.

Irrational Right Brain: I can totally take screws out and be helpful! Woo! Something I’m not terrified of fucking up!
Universe: Hold my beer.

Things were going well. I had taken the east wall supports down, most of the south wall, and was beginning to work on the north wall. I got about three screws in. Everything’s going fine. Got to the fourth screw. Began to take it out… and the power to the house goes out.

Irrational Right Brain: Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!

Ox had been out of the room while this was going on. He came back in calling out, “What did you do?”

Me: I did what you told me to do!

We got the power turned back on by flipping some of the breakers. Ox had me get back on the ladder to show him EXACTLY what I had been doing when the power went out. As I started trying to remove the screw I could see sparks inside the wall.

At that point, Ox took over. We got the screw out and removed the drywall around the area in question. Wouldn’t you know… thirty years ago when Ox’s dad had been building the room, he put a screw directly through the electrical wiring and into a stud…

Yeah… THIRTY YEARS… and the house never caught on fire… So now whenever I have to use a power tool I give Ox shit about knocking the power to the house out or being “set up for failure” from thirty years in the past.

We were able to fix up the ceiling and we corrected the electrical issue. I have way more respect for people in those home improvement/remodeling shows. This endeavor was no joke. It did make for some good stories though, and even though there were moments of frustration between Ox and myself, I think we worked pretty well together as a team.

Daily Post: More Clouds QQ

This might be a sort of whiny post. It’s overcast again. AGAIN. I miss the sun. It came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Tons of people were outside with their kids. Bikes. Strollers. It was as if everyone were soaking up the rays as much as they could.

I know I felt that way. I could feel a difference in my skin. In my bones. Almost instant. I finally was getting sunlight and could feel alive and like I had energy and drive to do things. The Earth was finally awake and able to give energy; radiating it into my being and allowing me to feel like I could do things.

It’s not supposed to be sunny again until Sunday. Friday and Saturday are supposed to be filled with thunderstorms. I like the thought of storms. At least there’s energy with them and a reason for the lack of sun until this perpetual twilight of cloud cover.

These long, dreary, cloudy days of stillness drag on and on and it feels so hard to get anything accomplished. I woke up at 4 am and went back to sleep after taking my Synthroid. I woke up again at 8 am and couldn’t convince myself to do anything, so I stayed in bed until 10 am.

I feel like the day is wasted and it’s not even noon. I wish I knew how to change that. I can’t go to the gym since it’s closed. I could begin packing but I have to get the totes from the house first, which means I have to clean out the car so the totes could fit.

I have to take the kittens in for boarding later. I’m saving the mopping until after their gone. I have my report that needs to be worked on. Clothes still need to be put away. Meal prepping would be beneficial so I have food for the next days before flying to Florida.

There are all these things I’m “shoulding” on myself, which isn’t helping or making me feel better. Ox thinks I should still be taking my Vitamine D supplements. I might talk to my Endocrinologist about it. I stopped taking it pre-surgery per doctor’s orders but was never told if I could resume it, so I didn’t. I never asked.

Things were going so well post-surgery, and now I’m back to feeling unmotivated and low energy. I do think a lot of it has to do with the weather. I think stress is playing into it as well. There are travel bans from certain states going into Florida. So far Nebraska isn’t one of them. So far there aren’t travel bans coming back into Nebraska. But who knows how things will change in the next week? Who knows if I’ll be able to go back to work or not? Who knows what other obstacles Jon and I are going to have to figure out in regards to moving and the apartment? What if all his interviews get canceled because of covid-19? At least we have two months rent-free to figure something out I suppose. That did work well in our favor.

I did have a fairly decent day yesterday. Productive. There are feelings of accomplishment as I look back over my list; another thing which has been hit or miss in the past few weeks.

I got a lot done in the morning. Setting up the electicity and internet. Filling out the move in form and emailing it to Jon so he could fill out his portion. Taking care of my Jury Duty letter and getting my new certification form to my FA. Figuring out what to do with the cats so I don’t get evicted during my last weeks here. I looked at student loan consolication through Navy Federal, but I don’t think I’m going to do anything with it. My interest rate could actually go up rather than down, so I’ll stick with the evil I currently have.

I made a few new contacts in my phone for my pharmacy and the vet clinic. I found out about my Zoloft perscription. I could pick that up later today when I go over to the house. I went through my email. I read a bunch of blog posts that I’ve been slacking on. I wrote. I posted. I made a shopping list and was pleased to see it was so small. I got in touch with my therapist as well. Counseling is canceled for the moment until they figure out how they want to do it remotely.

I showered before heading into town to meet with Ox. We got gas for the cars. We got the money order for my recertification paperwork along with spinach; the only grocery item I needed. We got cat litter and wet food for the kittens. While we were at the pet store we made sure all of the paperwork was in place for the boarding. Since it’s $22 per cat per day, I won’t be able to board them until the 1st of April. Not that I really wanted to do that anyway. I don’t want to be away from them for that long. I can’t swing $300 for boarding though, so even if I was morally ok with doing it, financially I can’t.

When we got back to the house, I hopped on my computer to update my sorcerous character through the Aurora program. While I was messing aroung with her sheet, I got to talk to the DM and brainstorm with him a bit. I did end up taking one level in rogue. Since most of my spells are spectral weapons, I get to use the rogue’s sneak attack to boost their damage as long as I’m stealthed or hidden. Since my character has expertise in stealth I get added bonuses to my stealth rolls. I’m really liking the direction that this character is going. I hide in the shadows then leap out in a blaze of righteous glory. Maybe I should have named her Karma instead of Saber.

Anywho, I got my CCHT paperwork mailed off, so that’s 100% done. I can submit the Concur reports when I go to work tomorrow. I should have that money back within a week or so.

Ox and I did our D&D campaign together at the house. There were another few hours wasted as the DM tried to figure things out, but once we got into the actual game it was better. I don’t feel like it was a waste of time and there was significantly less bickering.

I came back to the apartment after the game and went to sleep, and that’s about all that’s happened so far today.

I’ve started in on my meal prep, more out of necessity then because I actually want to do it. Ox and I have talked a few times. I’ve put music on so that’s been playing in the background. I’ve filled out some more paperwork. I’ve done some dishes.

I’m hoping that I can salvage today despite the rough start.

Daily Post 206: Half Way Done

Alright. So here we are, about halfway through my “off” days.

Monday was alright at work. It was fun being able to tell my patients about my social experiment for school. They seemed genuinely interested in how it went and joked and smiled with me as I told my stories. The day would have gone better had the nephrologist not rounded in the middle of change over. Luckily, my FA helped flip a few stations and even started one patient’s treatment for the RN and me. We would have been significantly behind without her help.

The rest of the day went smoothly. I had some frustration at the end of the day. This was the RN who I’m pretty sure mentioned to my FA how she didn’t like me coloring during my downtime. As I’m sweating bullets trying to get the clinic closed up she’s sitting at the computer. It must be nice…

By the time I got home, I was mostly over my frustration. The drive home in sunlight with music helps a lot in getting over things like that. Is something at work frustrating? Yeah. But you know what? It’s over. Fuck it. I’m going to enjoy my drive in the non-snowy weather. I’m not going to let the frustration take this moment away from me.

Monday was raid night for Ox. We went to the gas station together so he could get a few energy drinks. I even partook of one before going back to the apartment. I unpacked from work. Washed the dishes. Cooked dinner. Finished editing my assignment for school. Printed my assignment out and packed it away for Tuesday. Packed for the gym the next day.

I then proceeded to spend most of the night coloring a new mandala, staying up until 11 pm. Blaming the energy drink on that one since I typically can’t stay up much past 7 pm most nights.

I was awake when Ox came over so we had a cigarette together then went to bed.

Tuesday morning was crazy productive. I did my morning routine. I packed up the car with my gym bag, school stuff, and my basket of laundry. I ran over to the vet to finish paying my balance with them. The check from Ox finally cleared so I had the money to take care of financial things.

After the vet, I swung by the house to start my laundry. I then headed into town. I went to Walmart and got a money order to pay rent. I went to Costco and got gas for the car. I hopped across the street and got two packs of wet cat food for the kittens. From there I headed to school feeling good about having gotten all of my morning stuff done.

Class was good. I got to talk pretty extensively about my experiment. Not a lot of other people wanted to talk about theirs. I figured that’s how class would go down. Whatever. I had fun and it was super informative and I wrote extensively about it.

After class, I headed to the gym. It didn’t feel like it would be a good workout. I was tired and thought about not going. Instead of giving up, I stopped at a gas station near the gym to eat my protein bar since I was ridiculously hungry. I was able to have more of my energy drink and Ox was actually able to catch up with me so we got to spend some time together.

All of those things helped me to start feeling better. After about 15 minutes, I continued on to the gym. I still didn’t think it would be a good workout, but at least I wasn’t giving up on it. After a 10 minute warmup on the bike, I was feeling more with it. I reached gear 11 a few times. I ended up biking for 35 minutes, reaching just over 6.5 miles. Not bad for thinking I wouldn’t be able to do much.

I stopped at the gas station in Hickman before going to the house. I use lemon and lime juice frequently and I was running low on them. I figured I would pick new bottles up while I was out instead of having to make an emergency trip later.

Once at the house, I switched my laundry and ate again. I went ahead and spent the $20 to get the set of silicone containers I found on Amazon. They should be here Thursday. I logged my workout, noting that I’ve been improving since my return to the gym at the beginning of the month. My first workout was only 20 minutes and I barely made it past 3 miles on that one.

I also took a moment to recognize that while I may not be losing weight, I haven’t gained anything since November and receiving my cancer diagnosis. If I’m able to maintain while not doing a whole lot at the gym, then, theoretically, once I start pushing again, I should start making progress in that area. It made me feel better to realize I haven’t been doing that bad on the health side of things as I had been thinking. I’m going to give it another month before going back to lifting since that was the advice from my Endocrinologist. She wants me to heal a bit more first before doing crazy shit.

Ox and I had sexy time while I was over. Twice even. That left me dead for the rest of the day. In a good way. Totally not complaining that I didn’t get much of anything else done. When I was recovered enough I packed up my laundry and came back to the apartment and slept for a while. Eventually, I woke up to eat, thought about looking at the rest of my to-do list, but opted to go back to sleep instead.

Ox came over at some point and fell asleep next to me. I halfway sort of remember him getting into bed. I do clearly remember his alarm going off this morning. XD

He woke up for work and got ready, kissing me goodbye before he left.

My back was sore when I woke up at 6. I think it was from sleeping weird, or maybe for so long since I’m pretty sure collectively I slept more than 12 hours yesterday. As I moved around doing my morning stuff the pain went away which I’m grateful for.

As far as today goes, I’ve finally started making progress on my report that’s due March 19th. I’ve been going through my reference material and highlighting the information I want to use in my report. I’ve also got the report body outlined and the text formatted properly. Pretty much all that’s left is to put the information where I want it.

I just put the roast in the oven to cook and I’ve written, so all that’s left is to start plucking away at the minor tasks on my list before going into town for counseling.

Ox and I plan to meet for lunch at the diner. From there I need to go check out one of the apartments Jon and I are interested in. There’s D&D tonight. I’ve already made sure my character sheets are in the bag. XD

It’s going to be another busy day, but it should also be a good day. It’s sunny again which is nice. Summer is on its way. I’m looking forward to it.

Report Cat is Helping

Daily Post 201: A Different Type of Day

Yesterday didn’t exactly go down the way I thought it would, but it ended up being a good day so I’m not complaining.

I wrote before heading to school which helped the day feel like it was off to a good start. Before leaving, I loaded up the car with my laundry from the past week as well as the bedding. The kittens are getting old enough to start shedding. While I like soft cuddly things, rolling over into a face full of cat fur isn’t quite what I want…

I even took out the trash before leaving. I gave myself bonus points for that since by then I had already gone out to the car twice. I could have put it off until later, but no. Look at me being proactive and stuff.

Class went well. I got there early. I was able to take the time to begin proofreading my writing before posting it. I made a to-do list for the day. I had to start a new notebook since I finally reached the last page in the one I had been using. My current notebook is a beautiful light blue color. It makes my brain happy to see it and to write things in it.

We began talking about culture in class yesterday. What are the components that go into creating a culture? What are cultural norms? What are cultural icons? All sorts of nifty stuff. I have an assignment I need to complete before class on Thursday, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be alright.

After class, Ox and I met at Hi-Way Diner. I got there early, so I finished proofreading my post and posted it. I began typing up my notes for the day. By then Ox had arrived so I packed up my school stuff and ate with him. We chatted about Jon moving up since that’s official. No specific date yet, but sooner rather than later is the game plan. Since he now has a 10-year-old couch-potato Pitbull, it’s going to be exceedingly hard to find a place to live.

We headed to Costco after eating. I put gas in the car. We picked up a case of water for me along with another bag of dark chocolate covered pretzel chrips. Those things are so ridiculously good… I have no will power to resist them. >.<;

We went to Super Saver across the street so I could pick up the Grill Mate seasoning packets I like to use along with a handful of other odds and ends that Costco doesn’t have.

I had been pretty energetic in the morning. I had plans to go to the gym and my to-do list reflected the energy I had felt earlier. After eating and walking around a bit, I was extremely tired; almost painfully tired. I opted to not get the cat litter and to go home with Ox instead.

Carrying the laundry into the house from the car sucked. I don’t know why I was suddenly so tired. It’s something I plan to mention to my Dr. today during my appointment. It didn’t feel right. It was like out of nowhere I ran facefirst into a brick wall of nope.

I got laundry started then crawled into bed to try to nap. That led to sexy time. No complaints. Ox and I napped together, his arm wrapped around me, pulling my back close to his chest. I dozed surrounded by his warmth and scent and when I woke up, the painful tiredness I had felt earlier was mostly gone.

Ox was still asleep. I used my ninja skills to stealthily get out of bed, letting him sleep longer. I set up my school stuff and continued working on my notes. Jon and I talked again during that time frame. We have an understanding of the living situation. It’s going to be hard, but neither one of us is going to ask the other to give up their fur baby; in my case, babies. We’ll figure it out one way or another.

I ended up doing four loads of laundry yesterday. Two comforters, the sheets, and my clothes. Eventually, I woke Ox up. He gamed for a bit while I cross-stitched. Once I was tired of doing that I began poking around on my computer, cleaning up my Dropbox files. I hadn’t realized how many cross-stitchings I had completed last year until I went to make a post of them. I had to hunt for some of the pictures because I haven’t been diligent in keeping my files organized.

It ended up being a bit more of an endeavor than what it usually is, but I’m glad I took the time to do it. It gave me a better appreciation for how much I did actually craft this past year.

Once the final load of laundry was switched to the dryer, Ox and I came over to the apartment. I put the minor amount of groceries I had bought away while Ox went to the gas station in town to get cigarettes for the morning. I even managed to wash the dishes in the sink before he got to the apartment. I made the bed while he went about his nightly routine and then we fell asleep as he stroked my hair.

I don’t know. Yesterday was so different from the way I had thought it would turn out, but looking back at it, I wouldn’t change any of it. It was a good day.

Daily Post 199: D&D and Developments

Last night’s D&D session went well. It took a bit to get started as we waited for everyone to arrive and get setup. I mentioned how Ox and I would be late to the next session due to my Endrocologist appointment. I didn’t go into details but they were ok with us being late. If I had known I would end up as part of a D&D group, I would have scheduled it for a different day. I’ve waited too long for this appointment to try rescheduling it.

The session itself was fun. I got to use my “Bag of Tricks” finally. It was a gift to my character from the Cat Lord. I now have a Giant Badger as a friendly ally to help me create all sorts of chaos… like chewing on hobgoblins who won’t answer my questions about where the shiny things are. >.>;

On the way home Ox said maybe next campaign I should play a different character. You know… one where everyone else could play too because they wouldn’t be dying from lack of air due to laughing so hard… I’ll consider it. Currently, I’m having so much fun, though.

DM: You find several barrels of brandy.
Me: Can I set them on fire?
DM: Why would you want to do that?
Me: Why wouldn’t I want to do that?

So much fun. XD

We ended up ordering pizza this time. I greatly appreciated having food since my snacks weren’t cutting it.

In other news, today has been a successful day so far. Morning routine. Check. Get to school early enough to get the parking spot in the middle of nowhere that I want. Check. Attend class. Check.

Have a surprise visit from Ox. Totally not on the list, but fuck it. adds to list Check.

That was sort of cute situation. I was too busy internally bitching about how cold the wind was as I was tossing my stuff into my car to notice that the car across from me was the Trax. Ox got out and greeted me.

Me: Oh! Well, hello!

We shared a cigarette. We talked about how my class went. Today we discussed the importance of love and affection for social and psychological development. We listened to a few podcasts about different studies that have been done to scientifically prove that affection during early development is necessary for proper behavioral development and how disorders such as attachment disorder can from due to neglect and isolation. Interesting stuff.

Ox told me about his day. He let me try a new Bang; Candy Apple Crisp. It tastes like a red delicious apple. Not bad, but I prefer green apples because I’m weird. While we were standing around I checked my finances. My federal tax return was sitting in my bank account making me look all rich and stuff. I added paying Allison back onto my mental list of things to do once I got back to the apartment.

Ox and I chatted about how the rest of the day would go down and then parted ways; him for home and me for the gym.

I biked again. Nothing super crazy like Tuesday, but enough to let me feel productive. 20 minutes, 4 miles, top gear at 9.

I stopped at the gas station to pick up some sour cream and cheddar cheese. Part of my meals this coming week will be leftover chili that I had in the freeze. Can’t have chili without cheese and sour cream. I also picked up a couple of packs of cigarettes. I was going to buy a carten, but they didn’t have any in stock.

While I was headed to the gas station from the gym I called Jon since he had tried to reach me during my class. He’s been contacted by my company and has scheduled a phone interview for Monday at 3 pm. I’m totally stoked. Things are going amazingly well in regards to my evil master plan. At the end of our conversation, Jon said he was going to reach out to the college again to get more information about his credits and what he needed to do to see if they will transfer. I haven’t heard back from him but I imagine he’ll either call later tonight or I’ll talk to him in the next few days.

I’ve been productive since being back at the apartment. Finished washing and putting the dishes away. Finished with meal prepping. Bleached the bathroom since everything was purple from dying my hair yesterday. I finished reading chapter four and took the online test. Got a 100. I went ahead and did the reference assignment that’s due next Tuesday so I don’t have school stuff looming over me. I did pay Allison back. I feel good for having that taken care of.

I also filled out the application to renew my CCHT license. That doesn’t have to be done until May, but I want to do it sooner rather than later. There’s a part that my FA has to fill out. I should be able to see her tomorrow. Hopefully, that’s the case so I can get this mailed out tomorrow evening.

That’s about it at the moment. I’m about to head over to the house to enjoy the rest of my evening cross-stitching next to Ox. We’re both wanting to make it an early night tonight. I’m looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I’ve enjoyed my three days off. I’m ready to see my patients. : 3

Daily Post 177: Back and Forth

I didn’t write yesterday. Totally broke my writing streak which WordPress we so kind enough to inform me about. I wrote for three days in a row. I know… Mind blown, right? It’s been forever, eons, since I’ve carved out time to write for three consecutive days.

I was a little sad that I didn’t write last night but yesterday was a pretty BS day at work. I was still tired from Friday. Last night wasn’t a very good night to write. It would have been doom and gloom so instead, I kept all of that to myself and eventually went to sleep.

Even Ox said I looked tired yesterday morning, which is saying something since he’s seen me at 3 am for over a year and a half now. He’s seen good and he’s seen rough. I guess yesterday was a “rougher” looking sort of day. The kittens have been waking me up during the night which doesn’t help anything.

Today didn’t seem like it was starting out much better, but luckily it did turn into a decent day; another one where I’m able to write.

After giving up on sleeping in due to the kittens being awake and ready to play, I got up and started plucking away at my to-do list. I hadn’t finished meal planning the night before, so that’s where I started once I had made a cup of coffee. I spent a fair amount of time looking up new recipes to try as well. I got the shopping list figured out. I cleaned out my email inbox. I went through my physical “in box”, too. It’s been forever since I’ve done that and I could tell with how much time it took for me to sift through everything.

Ox called to let me know he was on his way over. He brought me a Cotton Candy Bang. Lifesaver. We talked for a while. I explained how I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way. He and I haven’t been able to spend nearly as much time together as what we’ve become accustomed to. Part of that is due to me having the apartment and the kittens and staying over here more. Part of it is having the kids for the past four weekends in a row. There’s the two months previous where I worked a billion hours…

It just seems like we don’t get much “us” time right now and that chips away at my feeling of connectedness. I also felt like there was this crush of things to do. I only have today before going back to work. Only today to plan and prep and do errands all while trying to make time for school and my tests and assignments.

You know… it would be nice to feel like I have a bit of time for myself, too…

Ox and I ended up spending most of the day together. He was supportive of me and asked every so often how I was doing. He encouraged me when I voiced that I was getting tired. “We’re almost done.” “Only one more stop, then no more people for the rest of the day. 🙂 “

It started with both of us sitting and doing our Darebee workout. Yep. Sitting. Today we did reps of flutter kicks. Nothing crazy intense and I think we were both ok with that.

Ox went back to the house while I finished up some chores at the apartment. I showered, gathered up my stuff, and went to the house to have breakfast with the family. After eating, Ox and I went into town. We tried to find a keto-specific cookbook for the Ninja at Barns and Noble but they didn’t have it. I might have to bite the bullet and order it from Amazon without skimming through it. There was a book for the InstantPot which I might go back and get. There were some nifty recipes in it.

We got gas for the car since I’ll be driving back and forth to Beatrice a lot this week. We poked around a few groceries stores, price checking brisket since that’s the recipe I’m going to be trying out on Tuesday. Eventually, we made our way to Walmart to finish up the shopping and then headed home. I was ready to be done being out. I still had what felt like a mildly overwhelming list of things to do; most important being my school assignments.

We went back to the apartment first to finish up chores and to unload the apartment specific items. I set some chicken to marinate so later I could cook my lunches for the week. Ox and I spent some time with the kittens then headed over to the house. I picked up some things from there, including my flashcards for chapter 4 and 5 then came back to the apartment… lots of back and forth today… Glad the apartment and house are only a few blocks apart.

I studied for a bit then took my second test. I’m waiting for the essay question to be graded. At the moment I’m sitting at a 90 for this test. I’m hoping it gets bumped up a little higher. I replied to the discussion post for my other class as well, so all of those assignments are now complete. I cooked some salmon burgers to have as additional meals/snacks for the week then headed over to the house once again, taking my marinated chicken with me.

Tonight I tried cooking a beef stir fry using a seasoning packet from McCormick along with using new noodles I found. Zero Pasta. They’re interesting. I think we’re going to try using them again this weekend for spaghetti. We have the kids again and that’s one of the go-to meals since we know Lil’ Ox will eat it. Sort of sucks for the rest of us though since we’re all on the low carb train. I’m hoping these noodles help with that issue.

The stir fry itself wasn’t bad but both Ox and I agree that it was pretty bland. It was worth trying out but I think I’ll stick to my own stir fry mix. Before starting on dinner for the family, I preheated the oven so my chicken could cook at the same time. Hooray multitasking. I also made a batch of guacamole to go with my burgers since the blender is at the house rather than the apartment. That’s one of the downsides to living in two places; what you need is always at the other place. XD

I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Ran the dishwasher. Put away the leftover then made the decision to stay and stitch for a bit. That was probably one of the best parts of my day. Sitting on the bed with Ox next to me, playing his video game with both of us listening to Black Clover. It’s a super simple thing, but it was so… nice. Quiet. Unrushed.

I’m almost done with the cross stitch I’m working on. That’s another thing that’s been nice; eking out time more often than not to work on it. Even if I only get 30ish minutes in, at least I made a little bit of progress. I took a little bit of time to do something for me, next to Ox, away from textbooks and work and chores and obligations.

This is the first full week of using my new to-do list system. I’m still tweaking it a little, but overall I’m pleased with it. I suppose I can get into that later. For now, I’m going to go. It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.

Daily Post 171: Catching Up

Today is my first day off in a while. And I say that after having both days off this past weekend…

It feels like my life is mostly work right now. I pulled 66 hours not long ago. The previous weeks were most likely in the 40 – 50 range. Some days I only have to worry about a 4-hour meeting, so they’re not 12 hour long days, but I am consistently doing 4 to 6 days each week. It wears on you after a while. It makes me appreciate my time off and it makes me super worried and anxious about having “down” days during that brief time because that’s the only time I have to get stuff done. I don’t have time to be “down”.

Which is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’m basically saying I don’t have time to process through my emotions. I don’t have time to be tired. I don’t have time to recover. I only have time to do the things I need to do to make sure I can keep going on all the days I work since I don’t have time to do chores/errands on those days. I only have enough time to keep up.

What’s even more fucked up is I do this to myself. >.<;

Anyway, today is going well. I’m in the process of trying to get stuff done. I’ve already showered and shaved so I don’t feel like Godzilla. I’ve had a good breakfast. I’ve chatted with a few friends that I haven’t talked with in a while. I even made it to the gym to do a Tabata workout that I survived, if just barely. I didn’t do as well as I would have about a year ago, but I stayed for the whole thing AND was able to walk out, on my own, down the stairs, without falling on my face. Go me. I’m a fucking badass. /flex

I finally stepped on the scale again this morning. I’ve been dreading that. Still where I was. No weight gain. No weight loss. I’m ok with that.

I’m still sitting here at the gym. I’ve been plucking away at my email and paying bills and student loans since I dropped my A&P class. Those are due a few more times before the LPN program starts at the end of August.

There’s a bunch of stuff going on at work but I don’t really feel like getting into it too much. Mostly I’m just wanting to type a quick post to let the Universe know I’m still alive.

The tasks for today, aside from bill paying, will be ordering an L-shaped desk to use as my study center at the apartment and setting up internet so I can access my class and such once it starts. I’ve called and asked about my class books. Since I’m registered at the Beatrice campus I’m not sure if I’m limited to getting my books only from that bookstore or if I could swing by the Lincoln campus and retrieve them. It would be convenient to get them while I’m in town today. Otherwise, I’m not sure when I would be able to pick them up. I’m at work too late to do it while I’m down there and I don’t have any days off in the near future other than Sundays and they’re not open Sundays.

Blarg. So yeah… Not a whole lot going on aside from work. Things have been fairly stable. The apartment is going well. Ox and I are doing well. I’ve been approved for vacation the week before school starts so I’m planning on taking a trip down to Orlando to see John and Mother Earth and a few other people. I think it will be a nice break before school begins and to recover from all of the overtime I’ve been pulling.

I might be moving from a PCT 1 position to a PCT 2 position. Basically, it just means that I’ve been doing this for a while and am a senior member of the team. There’s also a float position being created that I’ve expressed interest in since I feel I’m unofficially filling that role already. I have expressed concerns over it to my FA and she’s looking into it since it would change things in the clinic. I don’t want to lose her as my manager. I like working with her and I like Beatrice being my home.

I feel like I’m rambling with no real direction.

I guess I feel better today because I’ve been able to sleep well the past few nights and I’ve been able to take the time I need for self-care. I’m not all doom and gloom because I feel like I’m able to take some time to breathe and be with myself doing the things I want to do. It’s a nice feeling.

We’ll see how things play out. So far today is a good day and I’m grateful for that.

Daily Post 160: The Week of Vacation and the Week of Being Back

Written Saturday March 30th

I suppose now is as good a time as any to try to catch up with my life…

I wrote about the week before my trip. The week where we had the kids when we weren’t expecting to. The week of finishing the Wall of Fame. The week of recertifying my BLS.

It was an alright week. I got a lot taken care of and off the to-do list. I found out a lot of information about school. That week turned into the week of March 17th to the 24th. The week of my vacation to Orlando.

It didn’t start well. It started Monday night. I came home from work and figured out the last of my social obligations. I got dates and times squared away. I got my boarding passes on my phone. I packed. I was ready for my trip and now came the part that sucked. The realization that I would be leaving and this was my last night with Ox for a while.

I crawled into bed with him. There was a little bit of petting. Mild sexiness with light hair pulling. I hadn’t been expecting anything like that but it was nice. What wasn’t nice was when he rolled over, said he would miss me, then instantly fell asleep.

My brain was sort of thrown off by that. No “goodnight”. No going further. No connection happened and in my head, the only thing I could think was even though I was leaving in the early evening the next day, I might as well have already been gone.

Ox had been tired. He had worked all day. And for my part, I had pretty much ignored him as I ironed out the last of my plans when I had gotten home. I felt horribly alone though as he slept peacefully next to me.

I spent most of the night coughing due to the cold I was still fighting off. I spent all of it unable to sleep and crying off and on from the frustration of being unable to sleep even though I had taken Nyquil and feeling like I should have left that night. It didn’t matter that I was still there. It felt like Ox had already said goodbye to me and I was gone.

Since I didn’t sleep those feelings bled over into the morning. They bled all over everything that day. When Ox got off work, we met in Lincoln. The original idea had been to get lunch together before I headed to the airport. I wasn’t hungry due to the emotional discord. Ox wasn’t hungry either. We ended up having what I termed “a driveby goodbye” in a parking lot near the edge of town.

It sucked. I didn’t feel like a wife or girlfriend. I felt like a roommate or a really good friend where it just happened to be convenient to meet up for a few minutes before going away.

I cried on the way to the airport. I listened to music. I thought through my emotions. When I called Ox after parking my car and getting to the terminal we had a pretty good conversation about what was bothering me and why.

He hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep without giving me a goodnight kiss. He hadn’t realized the distance of not being close and connective would affect me so much. He’s an INTJ. I’m an INFJ. While we are extremely similar, we are still different in significant ways and miscommunication still happens.

I’m glad we were able to talk about the situation and to share our different perspectives. It helped make the trip more doable. When I got on the plan I didn’t feel as alone as I had for the past 12 hours. It didn’t feel like my whole vacation was ruined before it started. I no longer had anxiety at the thought of coming home and still having this unresolved issue between us.

I stitched for a while listening to music while I waited for my flight to begin boarding. The flight itself was uneventful. Take off still sucked, but I made it to Dallas fine. I listened to my new leadership book for most of the trip. There was a Moe’s at the Dallas airport. I bought nachos and ate them while talking to Jon since I had time to kill before getting on my last flight of the day. I told Jon how it was silly things like that, missing mom and wishing she was with me and suddenly being at one of the places that was “our place”, that made it feel like she was and is still with me.

The last leg of the journey was, again, uneventful. I made it into Orlando. I figured out the hassle of getting a rental car. I had realized while I was in Dallas I had never received a confirmation email about my rental car… No beuno…

Once I landed I went to the rental car section in the air port. I ended up being able to get a car… minivan actually, and by minivan, I mean a battle tank of death. x.x

It was huge. So much bigger than my tiny little Mazda 2. It was the only thing that Alamo had for rent though, and all of the other places that were open at 1:30 am had crazy long lines. I didn’t want to “shop around” only to find out that their rates were higher, or they had no cars available. I wasn’t going to be charged mileage for the rental with Alamo and they threw in a tank of gas, so I didn’t have to worry about filling up the car before bringing it back. For thinking that I wasn’t going to have a car at all, I bit the bullet, signed the rental agreement, then continued on my way with the ability to actually get to the places I needed and wanted to go.

I made it to the Waffle House I used to go to and had a 2am breakfast with Warren #1. We chatted for a while. He’s still unemployed. He’s still with his girlfriend. He’s looking at going back to school. It was good to see him and to get a hug from him. I still won’t be seeing any money from him any time soon.

From there, I drove to Mother Earth’s house. We curled up in bed and talked for a while before falling asleep. I had a few coughing fits during the night but luckily was able to eventually sleep more than I had the night before.

Mother Earth got up and went to work. Sir came in and let me know he had ordered breakfast for me. I ate it when it arrived before finally getting the motivation to shower and start my day.

I went to my old dojo and hung out with my sensies for a while. It was during the middle of the day, but even still, it was weird having literally no one else in the dojo. Come to find out, it was spring break for Florida.

After the dojo, I drove up to Daytona to spend the evening with Jon. We went to a sushi buffet which was pretty awesome. Very good food and good company. After dinner, we went down to the beach. I got to take pictures of the ocean and a few of us together. I got to feel the cool breeze on my skin and smell the salt in the air. It was soothing to my soul. We saw Captain Marvel at a theater down there. Thankfully I had missed bike week the week before. Small mercies.

It was an extremely good movie and it was fantastic being able to spend time with my brother. We went back to his apartment where he let me sleep in his bed while he took the couch. He stayed in the room playing Starcraft for a bit, but I honestly don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember him leaving the room. I don’t remember anything until I was waking up at 8:30 in the moring; 30 minutes after the time we had agreed to wake up at.

I didn’t mind. It was the first night where I had gotten a full night of sleep and it had been amazing. There’s something to be said for falling alseep surrounded by scents that are familiar and register in your brain as “home” or “safe”. Maybe it’s weird, but being in my brother’s room was like being home; a slightly different home than the one associated with mom, but I spent 20 years growing up with my brother. All of the stress and worry about getting to Orlando and being to places on time… none of that really mattered while I was in his apartment. I could finally start letting things go and relaxing and trying to enjoy my vacation from work. I could feel the tension within my slowly melting away as I laid in his bed thinking back over my life and the most recent year of being in Nebraska.

Eventually, both he and I were awake. We drove down to the Waffle House where we had gotten breakfast for the last time before I left to move to Nebraska. We still missed the turn, just like last time, and had to do a u-turn to get into the parking lot. I guess somethings don’t change. XD

It was a good breakfast and I gave zero fucks about all of the carbs I was consuming or had consumed the night before. I wasn’t going to let food mess with my vacation. I was going to eat what I wanted with who I wanted when I wanted and I would deal with the consequences when I got back home and started working out again.

When we were done eating and had finished our coffee, Jon walked back out to the cars. He told me about an interview he was going to have. We chatted for a bit longer about the clinical he was about to go to. In the end, we hugged and parted ways with the promise to see each other again on Saturday.

It was Thursday already with my itinerary having me leave Saturday evening. I had an appointment at 3pm to see my therapist. It was only 10 or 11. I didn’t have anything planned for this gap of time that I found myself with. Thinking over all of my options, I decided to go to Travel Company to look at a new pair of Vibrams since I didn’t like the ones I had gotten last year. I had run the Warrior Dash in them, but compared to the other styles I had in the past, they didn’t live up to my expectations; the woes of ordering online.

Well, not this time. I got to walk around the store while talking to Ox and testing out a new pair. The sales representative was extremely kind and helpful. I walked out with the new pair along with a new Buff bandana. I found a 24-hour fitness center and went and worked out, testing the shoes and making sure they were a good fit. I even got to shower afterwards. Woo. It was an extremely nice facility and it was a nice workout. I felt good about myself for having done it.

I made it to my appointment on time and it was fantastic to see my therapist again. She’s retiring at the end of March, so I’m sure it’s happened by now. We got to talk about my leadership course and all sorts of things during the hour we had together. It was nice being able to tell her that I feel like things in my life are going well. I’ve been out of crisis mode for a while. I’ve adjusted fairly well to Nebraska. I’ve made it through winter. Even with the hiccups Ox and I still experience, we have open communication and we work through our issues. There were a lot of tears, but they were good tears an I’m glad I had them.

Once therapy was over, I met with Nicole for sushi. We talked for a while then walked over to the bar we frequented and had a drink. I got to see my favorite bartender who also happens to be named Jen. Another friend, a former student, met up with us eventually. It took her longer to get there than anticipated and that led to a bit of discord with Mother Earth, but we recovered from it.

Once social time was done, I headed back to Mother Earth’s home. I spent some time with Sir and her before going to sleep. The next day I had breakfast with Mrs. Gwen. She and I went through the Star Learning program together for DaVita together and we’ve stayed in touch since the completion of our training. We got to catch up on the changes in our lives. After about three hours with her, I came back to spend the rest of the day with Mother Earth and one of her close friends. We got lunch at a Mexican resturant. I had two amazing Long Island Ice Teas. From there we went drunk thrift shopping.

I eventually found a dress that I really liked. I tried it on. It fits well. I look nice in it. Queue emotional breakdown where I feel like it’s pointless to buy it or to look pretty because it doesn’t matter if I dress nice or girly or sexy or any of that. Being attractive doesn’t make me more attractive to my partner so why bother or put in the energy to do it.

Drunk me needed a moment I guess.

Mother Earth and I talked about it. Or rather, I cried about it in the changing room while she sat next to me and listened. I did end up buying the dress. I felt empty after crying. I knew all of it wasn’t out of my system yet and so I was sort of more flatlined than anything, waiting for the rest of it to feel like it was the right time to come to the surface. It didn’t seem to ruin the day, though.

We went to my sports bar for dinner even though I had plans to go there for lunch the next day. We were in the area and no one else had objections to going. We eventually ended up back home. More tears. More figuring things out. More letting go and admitting how I still feel alone a lot of the time because mom isn’t here.

I guess my brain thought crying about everything in my life seemed like a pretty good way to spend my vacation…

I felt extremely better after that cry though. Cleaner. Like everything I had been ignoring and bottling up and limping through my days with had finally gotten the time and attention that it needed. I slept well that night.

The next day was the day I left to go back to Nebraska. I spent the morning having breakfast with the house. Sir and I didn’t get much time together, but I enjoyed the little bit we did have. Mother Earth and I said goodbye, though, for me, it was “I’ll see you later”. It’s how I cope with goodbyes. It’s not the end. I can see these people again at some point even if it’s not physically in this world. That’s what I need to believe in order to be ok, so that’s what I believe.

I drove down to Kissimmee to pick up my dad. We had a really good conversation as we drove back to Orlando to meet up with Jon. Once we were all together we had a fantastic lunch after which we proceeded to stand outside and chat for about another hour. We said our fairwells and I headed down to the airport to return the rental car and to make my way through TSA.

The plane ride back home was long, but most of that might have been due to tiredness and wanting to be home. I survived TSA and the PTSD associated with the take-off experience. I made it off the plane and back to the long term parking lot where I found my car without issue. It even started up when I turned the key. Wooo!

The trip home sucked. It was dark outside. It was sort of rainy. There was a ton of traffic even though it was 11pm at night. It got better for a while once I made it out of the Omaha area, but then it started heavily raining.

Right Brain: Fuck my life… can I just please make it home…

I did, in fact, make it home. Ox was awake and let me cry in his arms as he hugged me on the front porch; reassuring me that I was safe and that I was home and that it was ok. I didn’t even bother bringing my bags in from the car.

I was supposed to have Monday off, but that changed. I only had Sunday to regroup and get ready for the coming week. Sunday, while the kids were here… While I’m burnt out from all of my traveling and socializing.

I brought my bags in. I unpacked. I got all of my clothes washed from the trip. I took care of my meal prep. I even finished the cross stitch I have been working on for a while now.

It was a good trip, but I was glad to be home and though Sunday was busy, it was a quiet busy and I got a decent amount of downtime in. At least enough to make Monday not feel like a disaster of an obligation. I think Sunday was the first day where I found a kickboxing app for my phone. I got to try that out. It was a decent workout. I’m also still really liking my new Vibrams.

Monday was busy. The nephrologist rounded, so my FA was with him most of the time. The workday finished up and I came home and did kickboxing again. I’m working through the “beginner” program. They’re only 10-minute workouts, so I do whatever day I’m on twice; once for each side. I also don’t rest very much during the rest intervals, so instead of 30-second rounds, I’m doing closer to 45 to 50-second rounds. It’s been working for me. I wish the app was better about tracking metrics, but for what it is, it’s nice.

I fought with the scanner for a while after working out, trying to get a picture scanned since I wanted to color one of the pages in a coloring book Ox got me a while ago. I didn’t have fabric to cross stitch so coloring seemed like the thing to do. That took WAAAAAYYY longer than it should have, but we got it figured out, largely in part thanks to Ox realizing that there are three networks in the house and my computer was on a different network form the printer/scanner. I think it would have been easier / less frustrating if Mama Ox hadn’t been standing behind me the whole time trying to tell me what to do to get things working.

Right Brain: Since you hardly know how to run your laptop, I’m pretty sure I’m more qualified to figure this out without your help than with it. >.<;

Sadly, getting the page scanned was only one issue of many I had to figure out. Once I had the page on my computer, I “found” software for Photoshop. That wasn’t all that hard actually but when you grew up in the era of Kazza and torrent downloading it’s not all that hard to find what you’re looking for.

Once I had software I then had to spend 30 minutes trying to find the cord for my tablet so I could use it for coloring. After finding a cord I to fight with my tablet to get the right drivers installed so it would function properly.

Once all of that was said and done I only got to color for about 30 minutes or so. It was fun though. I enjoyed the feeling of using my tablet again and filling in the lines with color. It was relaxing and a nice way to decompress from the day.

Tuesday was a productive day. I did a lot of mental work. I updated my calendar. I was able to worm my way out of the one day I was scheduled to work at the clinic I don’t like by conveniently having one of my leadership classes scheduled for the same day.

Right Brain: Oh darn. I can’t cover the shift…

I got through the “in” pile on my desk that has been building up. Ox and I met up in Lincoln. I tried going to a Target since I’ve wanted new panties for a while and they’re the only place that I can find that sells the ones I want. The store I went to didn’t have them in stock though. Lame.

From there I went to Micheal’s in the hopes of getting more cross stitch fabric. That was a no go… I wasn’t on a very good streak at that point for scratching stuff off the to-do list.

Ox and I went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch. He’s been wanting to take me there for a while. It was a good lunch. I would go back. After eating we went across the lot to a Hobby Lobby. I bought a rose for mom while we were there. I also picked up some fabric even though it wasn’t the type I wanted. I also found supplies to make the needle kit I’ve been thinking about, so overall it was a good stop. I got a lot more accomplished there then I was expecting to.

We stopped at Walmart before heading home so I could get the items I needed to make the cheesy taco skillet everyone likes. That meant it was a fairly short trip. They happened to have a display of Bang in the center aisle, so we got that taken take of as well while we were out. When we got home we put the groceries away and I began assembling the items we had gotten at Hobby Lobby to make my new cross stitch needle kit.

I love it so far. I’ve been stitching a fair amount this week and have gotten used to the new, larger kit. I can keep my markers and scissors in it comfortably without feeling like I’m cramming things into it. The larger magnate I placed on the top lid has more than enough space for all of the needles I have. There are even leftover compartments to keep the tails of threads I cut off, so I don’t have to worry about keeping a separate baggie somewhere. It’s sturdy and stable and I’m really liking it. I think I can label that project as successful. : 3

So Tuesday ended with me starting a new cross stitch project. It’s another fairy. I’m using pinks this time. No real reason for it I don’t think. I’m liking the colors so far though. They make my brain happy.

Wednesday was an alright day at work. The nurse practitioner rounded along with the dietitian so it was another day of people being on the floor. We made it through it. Nothing super crazy happened. I found out from a patient that New Tech has been accepted to the LPN program. I mentioned that to my FA since that’s something she needs to know. If both of us techs are in school and unable to cover shifts on a specific day due to being at school… that’s sort of an issue with us opening back to six days a week again.

My FA reached out to Net Tech. I’m not sure what the result of that was or is. My FA said she wasn’t going to tell me to not go to school and that if need be they would have someone float in for whatever day couldn’t be covered. She said we would figure it out. I’m appreciative of her support.

I worked out when I got home, though I didn’t do it on Tuesday. Wednesday was the day of 100 modified push-ups… I was and still am proud of myself. Even if they were modified, I did 100 of them. After work even. Go me.

Thursday I started the day by talking to Jon. It was a good conversation. I showered. I battle planned out the day. I continued the quest to find panties. The first Target didn’t have the size I wanted. I drove over the location Ox and I agreed to meet up at. That Target didn’t have them either. Arg…

We drove up to my new sports bar here in Nebraska and had lunch. I enjoyed the wings. They made them more saucey for me. : 3

We went to the mall so I could find a bra to go with the dress I had bought in Orlando. It was the first time Ox had seen the dress. I had to go strapless for the bra style. Not my favorite or preferred style, but even with just a little bit of strap showing, it throws off the whole look of the dress.

That stop took the longest and I had figured it would. It’s one of the reasons I hate “shopping”; clothes shopping specifically. You have to try things on and compare and does it look right and blah blah blah. I really just want to be home curled up with the cats. >.<;

I’m glad I found something that works with the dress, though. Maybe one day soon I’ll actually wear it. XD

With the most nebulous part of the trip taken care of, we went down to a cookie store that was near where we had parked the car. My reward for doing something I didn’t want to do and Ox’s reward for being amazing and sitting on the bench waiting for me while I tried things one. We hopped across the street to send off a package for Papa Ox while we were in town. Ox drove me over to campus so I could pick up my textbooks for the class that starts on Monday. That was pretty expensive.

I had been talking to Finacial Aid a lot that morning. The end result; I found out that I’m most likely paying for this current class out of pocket since I’m technically not accepted into a program of study and therefore not eligible for aid. It’s too late for me to apply as an academic transfer student like they suggested I do. I was prepared to pay for this class on my own, so it’s not a huge huge deal. Just would have been nice to have gotten some sort of help with it.

The campus was the last stop on the list of chores. Ox and I headed home. I cooked the taco skillet for dinner. We tried going to sleep early. At 9:30 I gave up and took a Benadryl.

Work Friday was alright. There were four of us on the floor. Float RN had a two hour PDR after change over. I eventually got to have lunch at 12:30. The end of the day went fine so I don’t know why I felt so overwhelmed and frazzled once the day was done. I had planned to stop by the Beatrice campus to turn in the last bit of paperwork for my program; copies of my certifications and TB test results. I had planned to go to the dojo. None of that happened, though. I came home. Ox and I ate in the kitchen, away from his parents. I didn’t even cross stitch that night.

I took a Benadryl again to make sure I slept and even with that I kept waking up every few hours. I didn’t work out Friday night. I didn’t shower. I tried shutting out the world and was only mildly successful with it and I don’t even think it did much good.

Saturday morning started mildly rough. Maybe frustrating… I’m not sure. It’s been cloudy the past two days and I haven’t been taking my vitamin D like I was before my trip. I think I’m also more “peopled” out that I consciously realized. Add to that, the morning starting with Mama Ox changing how the day was supposed to go down in my head…

Right Brain: I give up. The day is a lost cause… I am defeated before I begin.

Ox was and is still being extremely supportive of me. He let me write this morning. He didn’t pressure me to have breakfast with the family. We took the cats to the vet and he touched me the whole time; softly, gently petting my ankles as I held one of the cats in my lap, my feet resting on top of the container we can carted all three of them to the vet in.

Ox is letting me continue to write and has already said the rest of the day can legitimately be a “rest” day. We don’t have to do anything. We both can stay in the room. I can stitch and watch my new show, cuddled up next to him while he games. We can finish everything tomorrow and just relax today.

I’m totally ok with that thought right now. I’m going to go heat up leftovers for lunch and then sit in my corner with my new fairy cross stitch and my new needle kit. I’m going to chill for today. I might workout. I might do other things, but for the rest of the day there are no obligations and that feels nice.

Daily Post 106: On Track, Maybe

I went to work yesterday after only getting roughly an hour and a half of sleep. It’s just how the night ended up working out. I went to bed after 11:30 and woke up at 2. Going back to sleep seemed pointless since I wouldn’t get a full REM cycle. I stayed in bed resting as much as I could with the cats demanding attention, thoughts of Chinese food for dinner running through my head.

I skipped out on taking a shower which wasn’t as big of a deal as it normally would have been. I had showered before going to bed since I needed to rinse the dye out of my hair.

The drive to work sucked because I was so tired. Once I was at the clinic though, it wasn’t too bad. Moving around and constantly having things to do helps burn the tiredness off or keep it at bay. It sort of shot my plans to go to the gym all to hell though.

I made it through the work day and even got most of my “extra” work tasks done, like making sure my PTO got returned for not taking Friday off like I had originally planned. Overall it was a fairly smooth day. My FA was there to help during turn over so it was smoother than I had anticipated.

By the time the day was done, though, I just wanted to go home. I had my gym bag with me. I knew part of me wanted to go to the gym still, but there was a larger part of me who was starting to get a headache from being up for so long with so little sleep. I was still recovering a bit from the gym the day before and I had an early session scheduled for today.

I’m frustrated that I missed one of my extra days of working out this week. Since I came home and fell asleep almost immediately for an hour and a half I’m hard pressed to be too upset with myself. I woke up to eat dinner. I gamed on Final Fantasy for a short while, then went back to sleep where I, again, fell asleep quickly and stayed asleep until 2:45 this morning.

I woke up to use the restroom, had a small spoon of peanut butter to keep from getting hungry, then went back to sleep. I slept until around 6. I stayed in bed until Ox woke up and asked if I knew what time it was because he was worried I had overslept for my training.

We spent a bit of time together this morning before I got up to have breakfast and change. I went to the gym where I had a decent workout with my trainer. I came home and had a snack which I’m proud of. Skipping snacks is a bad habit I have, but for the days since I’ve been back home I’ve been doing pretty well with my eating. Not perfect, but better. Same with water intake.

Ox and I had made plans to go into town with the kids to look for a tabletop game we could all play together. The store we went to had Zombicide: Green Horde. I’m very interested in getting that at some point, but today we went with Stuffed Fables instead. It’s basically an intro DnD game. You and your group are stuffed animals who much fight the Nightmare Lord, Creepitus, to protect a little girl while she sleeps in her big girl bed for the first time.

It’s actually super cute and so far the kids seem to really enjoy it, especially as we get a better understanding of the rules.

We played for a few hours progressing through the story and killing evil nightmare minions. We stopped since it was time for dinner, after which I… don’t know what happened.

We had BLTs, which were amazing as always. I wrap my tomato and bacon in the lettuce so I don’t have to worry about the carbs from the bread. It’s a meal I can actually eat with the family rather than making my own thing or standing in the kitchen like I sometimes, most of the time, do.

Afterward, I unloaded the dishwasher and began loading it with the new dirty dishes. It’s the second time Mama Ox has come in and mentioned a “pet-peeve” she has with me doing something with the dishes.

I don’t know why it got under my skin so much. I am pretty much the only other person who helps with dishes. It makes me feel like I’m not doing things right or good enough. It most likely didn’t help that it’s the second comment in the three days since I’ve been back. This comes after cornering me during dinner last night about how I haven’t found a new pot set for her.

I was under the impression that she didn’t want one because she wasn’t interested in getting rid of any of the things she has even though the non-stick surfaces are peeling and desperately need to be replaced.

So while I’m standing there, rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher I’m trying to be patient with myself and understanding that it’s not my kitchen and that if she wants things done a certain way, I should be accommodating, new dishes are being pilled into the sink I’m trying to empty since not everyone finished eating at the same time.

It was… frustrating. By the time I got done handwashing the things that wouldn’t fit into the dishwasher, I was a little sweaty, which was uber gross since I hadn’t showered from the morning’s workout.

When Ox and I stepped outside for a cigarette he asked me what was wrong. I did my best to explain it, but at the time I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to go back to the game. I didn’t want to pretend to be ok because for whatever reason, in that moment, I just wasn’t.

His mom had made a comment while I was in the kitchen about Ox and I wearing matching shirts, and that too, crawled under my skin. It’s not a “his and hers” thing. I wanted to wear one of his shirts because it smelled like him. It just so happened he had two of the same color and he put the second one on.

I’m not losing my identity or trying to be cutesy.

Arg.

Wearing black all the time is wrong, but then so is wearing a shirt of color if someone else is wearing that same color.

It’s like I can’t win. I can’t wear the right clothes OR load the dishwasher right.

Ox and I talked through what I was feeling. At least we tried to as best we could with me not wanting to talk about something I didn’t really understand. I knew all of the comments bothered me, but without having the space to process why they bothered me it was hard to articulate the frustration I felt.

We agreed to hold off on the game so I could shower and write since I never got a chance to do it yesterday and I didn’t like the added thought of pushing off writing to tomorrow. I had already pushed off my writing yesterday since I went to sleep instead. Pushing it off further wouldn’t have helped with the feelings of frustration.

The shower I took a little while ago has done wonders for me. Writing, sitting with my headphones on while music plays and taking a break from being the bookkeeper/rule master has been nice as well. Lil’ Ox is going over to Ox’s brother’s house tomorrow for a bit with Mama and Papa Ox. That will give Ox and I a bit of time to do some more errands together. We’re going to see if Ornery Ox wants to go with us.

When everyone gets back home we will most likely try to get through another few pages of the story in Stuffed Fables before dinner, after which I’ll need to go to bed since Monday is a work day.

I still want to pack and plan to go to the gym after work on Monday. I think for the time being I’m going to hold off on the dojo membership. I want to pay off my car more, and if I’m already having a hard time getting to the gym I have a membership to, then adding another, even larger, expense most likely isn’t going to help or fix anything. I want to become more consistent with my “extra” training first. I want to get SCA combat practice to be a habit. I also want to look at the dojo in Beatrice as well since my trainer keeps mentioning it. Maybe it would be easier, more feasible, to go there after work rather than driving close to an hour into Lincoln.

I don’t know what the dojo in Beatrice offers, but since I’m not roped into anything yet I can still look and see if there’s something else out there that might work better for me.

It would be amazing if I could get the car paid off before the end of the year, but without people paying me back I don’t think I’ll be able to. Kyle is still unemployed, so even though we talk, he hasn’t been able to pay me back for the time he stayed with me in Orlando. I reached out to Warren again since he never replied to my message. He actually replied to me, saying today was busy, but he would try really hard to get in touch with me at some point. Sir said he would be able to start paying me back soon, but I haven’t heard from him in a while. Mother Earth and I haven’t spoken in six months…

I don’t have any other corners I can cut financially. If I get a large tax return this coming tax season I could have the car paid off relatively early in the new year. It just sucks looking at my budget and still bleeding in $200 a month in interest into a credit card that I can’t make progress on.

I haven’t looked into the LPN program yet, but that’s more because of the way today has gone. I’m happy with the things I’ve been able to get done. I’ve updated My Fitness Pal with the changes I’ve made to my recipes. I cleaned up my phone, transferring the pictures from our trip the zoo to Dropbox along with other art pictures and inspirational quotes I’ve saved as I’ve browsed through Facebook posts these past months. I messaged several of my friends to stay in touch with them, though there are still people I need to reach out to. I’ve updated my calendar with my new work schedule along with all of the dates I need to keep track of. I’ve paid bills and I’ve allocated my leftover money to the places I want it to go.

Today has been a pretty nice and productive day. I don’t want the spat of frustration I felt early to cloud today with negativity. I think eeking out the time to write helped. I’ve been worried about my writing falling to the wayside again now that I’m back in Nebraska.

You make time for the things that are important.

I spent a large amount of time today with the kids doing something everyone seemed to enjoy. I feel like that’s a victorying in my “non-parent” parenting belt. I also got most of the things I wanted/needed to take care of scratched off of my to-do list. Oh! Which is another thing…

I’ve totally made to-do lists every day since I’ve been back. That’s another thing that’s become a hit or miss, mostly miss, thing for me. I used to religiously write my to-do list as I drank my cup of coffee in the morning. Since mom’s death, I haven’t really worried too much about my lists. If I make one, fine, if not, it doesn’t really matter.

I already have one mostly mapped out for tomorrow, and since Monday is a pretty set day, I have that one fairly ironed out as well.

It’s a good feeling. I feel like I know how to take care of my life because the things I need to get done are figured out already.

I’m hoping my vacation was the break I needed to get my life back on track. I’m hoping it let me get back in touch with myself.

Three days isn’t a whole lot to go on, but so far I think I’m doing alright.

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