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Daily Post 003: Puzzle Memories

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Hello Universe,

I should have known that eventually, I would be back here talking to you and wishing you would give me insight. 

Today has been a good day and yet I am sad. I miss mom. I started working on a puzzle I got for myself; a birthday present. And now I am sad. I miss the times mom and I worked on puzzles together. I miss her getting excited when she got a piece. I miss HER. All of her. The her that can’t be put into words. 

I wish I knew what I was supposed to learn from the pain. I wish I understood.

But I don’t. I’ve had a fairly productive day and I enjoyed my time working on the puzzle and yet I hurt and want to cry. 

I wish you could talk to me. I wish… I don’t know… that I didn’t feel like a failure every time I want to cry over things people think are silly. I wish society was better about embracing emotions rather than forcing people to be happy all the time. 

I wish you were here, Mom. I think you would like this puzzle. It’s pretty. It has lots of weird-shaped pieces so it would be easier for you to find matches. I miss the hours we would spend together listening to music and talking about nothing while we put tiny pieces of colored cardboard together. I love you so much. I’ll get through tonight, but I feel like it’s going to be a hard night and I hope that’s still ok. 

I’ll try to write a more cheerful post tomorrow. 

I love you, Mom. Forever and for always.

Daily Post 180: A Small Catch-Up

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Thursday ended up being a smooth day at work. I was on the floor with my FA. Pretty much all of my tasks were caught up. We’ve agreed to work through some of the supplies in the stock room to free up space. That makes the weird organization-junkie part of my brain happy. I can’t wait to have that space back. /happy dance

We got to talk about how I was doing with school and the work schedule. I said that working three days has been do-able so far, but this coming week I’m working four days and I’m worried about it. I said I would prefer to only do three while I’m in school.

I’m thinking about talking to the other tech and seeing if she would be interested in letting me work on Mondays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Yes. Every Saturday. Last week seemed to work well schedule-wise. I had days off right after class to sit and study and do assignments. I didn’t have to wait so long in between because of work. It would let me do Adventure’s League on Wednesdays without worrying about rushing to get there or having to leave early because of work the next day. Every Thursday I could do the kickboxing class.

There’s a lot of pros to counter the one “always working Saturday” drawback. My FA said to think long and hard about it before offering something like that to the other tech. She said once I give up Saturdays I’m most likely never getting them back.

As sad as it is to say, I don’t remember a whole lot else about Thursday. Ox and I did our Darebee. I took my laundry over and got that going. I ate dinner…

Oh! There was sexy time. Sort of feel like a jerk for forgetting that… -_-;

The main thing I remember about Thursday was the fact that I didn’t have to go back to work on Friday.

I didn’t see Ox Friday morning. It’s the first morning in a while where we haven’t seen each other off to work. I forgot to set my alarm and he was running behind by the time he called and woke me up. When woke back up, I spent pretty much the rest of the morning in a low-grade depression. I was able to get stuff done, but I was tired and sad and everything took more effort than it should have. Everything was borderline painful. I felt emotionally fragile and raw. I knew there would be tears eventually, I just didn’t know when.

Eventually, I drove into town to have lunch with Ox. We put gas in both cars while we were there. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I hurt but that I was still doing things and not letting the hurt win. I said I didn’t know why I felt the way I did but that I was sad and I was trying really hard. We talked about my feelings for a little while.

A lot has happened in a short period of time. I started nursing school. I graduated from DSS. I passed my first nursing test… All of those things poke at my wound and I haven’t been doing a whole lot in the “tending to my grief” department. I think Friday was the first day since my nursing test where I didn’t have obligations spurring me to keep going. I could take the time to let the emotions have their time, to truly feel them, accept them, and let them go.

Ox and I ended up having a pretty awesome lunch at Village Inn. We meal planned out the next week, which is going to suck. I still need to see if someone is interested in taking my C2 shift or splitting it with me. I don’t want to do four in a row. >.<;

After lunch, we went across the parking lot to Super Saver’s to do the grocery shopping then we went home. By then the kids were at the house so I didn’t stay very long. I came back to the apartment to put the food away and to keep studying. Eventually, I went to sleep.

One thing I don’t think I’ve mentioned… Ox got me an iHome for the apartment. Or rather, he found one and brought it home to see if it still worked. It does. I’ve been using it to play thunderstorm sounds while I sleep or the radio while I’m gone so the kittens have something to listen to other than silence. I like it. You can even dim the display so it’s not blindly bright the whole night.

So yeah, Friday was a good day. A connective day even if it was slow and rough to get started.

Today has been decent but also a little rough.

I woke up fairly early and was able to start in on my to-do list. I typed up recipes. I edited the to-do sheets I’ve been using. I really like them. I’m glad I’ve put them back into my routine. One thing I added was a gratitude line.

It’s something I got the idea for in class on Tuesday. We had to do an evaluation of our strengths and weaknesses. Areas I am weak in include hope, gratitude, and perseverance. Ouch… but at the same time… not wrong. …

With my grief, sometimes things do feel hopeless and pointless and sometimes I don’t have much will to persevere. What’s the point in persevering when everything is pointless? And what is there to be hopeful or grateful about when everyone is going to die?

Yeah… some pretty fucked up mentalities right there…

So I’m working on that. From now on, each day I have to write one thing I am grateful for. One thing that I can think about or look at throughout the day to remind me that there are things that I appreciate about my life. Today’s gratitude was for Ox and his love.

Around 7:20 I pulled myself away from my to-do to shower. The kittens has a vet visit at 8 that I needed to be ready for. They were supposed to get their first round of vaccinations today. Lil’ Ox was up bright and early to go with Ox and me. She’s totally enchanted with how tiny the kittens are.

We found out Dagger is actually a boy.

We also found out Saber has lost weight. I explained how for a little bit it didn’t seem like she was eating well so we switched her back to wet food only. The vet said there were sores in her mouth and that she was concerned about feline leukemia and feline aids. She said the test wouldn’t take very long if I was ok with them drawing a blood sample from Saber.

I said ok. They took her from the room and I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited…

Dagger, Lil’ Ox, and Ox were in the room with me but all I could think about was what if the tests came back positive? What if the kindest choice would be to stop Saber’s suffering now? What about Dagger being alone? What about me and my abandonment issues and all of the fear I feel about forming attachments because living things die?

It sucked. Hardcore. It was not how the morning was supposed to go. They were both supposed to be healthy kittens getting their first shots. I wasn’t supposed to be facing the possibility of one of them being terminally ill and losing her before I even really got to establish a bond with her; before she even really had a chance to live.

The test came back negative but they weren’t able to get much blood for the test since Saber is still so small. We’re switching her to a different type of wet food; one higher in calories to try to help her gain weight. It’s a softer wet food to boot. I’ve already noticed her eating even more than she was before, which was an improvement to what she was doing after the first vet visit. I’m also going to be adding kitten formula to her food at the vet’s recommendation.

She’s nearly half a pound behind Dagger in weight. That doesn’t seem like much until you hold both of them in your hands and you feel how fragile and weak she seems in comparison to Dagger. The vet said there’s nothing we can do about the sores in her mouth other than feeding her soft food, which we’re doing. Hopefully, they’re in the process of healing. The vet said it could have been from their mother sort of disowning them and switching to solid food too soon.

At the moment all I can do is keep an eye on her and take her back if I feel like things aren’t getting better. She seems to be doing ok. Still super cuddly. Still purrs and snuggles up with me and Dagger for nap time. Just sort of a shitty start to the morning.

Once we were done with the vet I took the kittens to the house so Papa Ox could spend some time with them. After a little bit, I took them back to the apartment. I plucked away at chores a bit more before going back to the house for breakfast.

I tried baking a keto blueberry cheesecake recipe I found, but it didn’t go well. That was pretty disappointing. Oh well. You win some you lose some. I cross-stitched for a couple of episodes of Black Clover. I came back to the apartment and napped. I got up and studied for my test tomorrow. I ran to the gas station and got a few Bangs since I’m out. Swung by the house to see Ox one last time tonight and to get my sheet from the dryer because oh yeah, I woke up to cat yak in bed this morning. Very not cool…

It was Ornery Ox’s birthday today along with at least two other family members that I know of. They all went to do birthday stuff. I don’t feel bad about not going. I enjoyed my silent time napping and studying. I cooked chicken fajitas in my Ninja. They turned out alright. Not amazing so I most likely will try a different recipe next time, but I’ll be able to get through this week’s lunches without suffering too much.

There’s one more recipe I want to make for the coming week, but I’m most likely going to save it for tomorrow. It’s already getting pretty late and I’m tired again.

Tomorrow should be an alright day. I’m looking forward to breakfast and a cup of coffee and relaxing before taking my test and starting on the next chapter. I’m finding a routine and I think I like it.

Daily Post 179: Long But Not So Bad

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I’m doing a bit better than yesterday. I think a majority of that has to do with Ox coming over and cuddling with me for a while.

Work was rough. I forgot my energy drink this morning. Much lame. Change over was crazy since we ended up having to do blood cultures on two people. I survived. I transferred acid, so that’s done. I got some Star Learning stuff done, too. I got to talk to my FA about a few things, so there’s clarity on some topics.

I made it through the day with only 4 cigarettes. Not as good as I would have liked. Not as bad as I thought I would do.

Adventure’s League didn’t happen tonight. I haven’t had a chance to make my character sheet. I didn’t have it in me to be around people after work today. I had to explain to my patients how I made a 92 on my test. I had to stand there and smile and listen to them congratulate me and tell me how my mom would be proud.

Irrational Right Brain: I already drank last night because I hurt so much over the fact that my mom is dead. Can you not bring up the fact that she’s dead while I’m here, at work, trying to emotionally hold my shit together? No? Oh… Well… Totally going to go cry in the bathroom on my break now. Thanks.

It wasn’t a bad day. It was just… a day. Long. Busy. Drainging both physically and emotionally. It was harder than it should have been because of who I was working with. Blarg. She even left before all of the stuff was done at the clinic. That always sucks.

Irrational Right Brain: Trust me… I get that you’re the nurse and that you have a degree that I don’t and that you’re in a different tax bracket, but we’re a team. I want to go home, too. At last empty the bleach buckets or something… You see that I’m still working. I helped you all day. I was here at the clinic setting stuff up before you even walked through the door. I picked up your slack all day. How do you think it’s ok to dip out at the end? Why am I the one left alone at the end of the day to finish everything by myself? Because it’s PCT work? It’s “beneath your pay grade” work? Arg. >.<

Anyway, getting off the bitch train because I really don’t feel like being on it… Things got better once I was able to get a hug from Ox. We cuddled for a while with the kittens. We talked a bit. I started my dinner cooking. We did our Darebee workout. We talked a bit more. Eventually, he went back to the house and I stayed here at the apartment to eat and study and do school stuff.

I’m content with the progress I made tonight. I have a lot to tackle over the weekend, but I think I’ll be ok. I’m completely done with the assignments for my LPNS 1010 class, so there’s nothing in that area looming over me. That’s a nice feeling.

I’m glad that I’m writing tonight. I’m glad I don’t feel like drinking again. I’m glad I work with my FA tomorrow and that even if the day sucks at least she’ll be the one with me. It makes it seem less sucky. I’ll be with a really strong worker and that makes everything seem a little bit easier.

Not much else to talk about at the moment and one of the kittens is yelling at me so I guess I should go for now. It’s almost 9 pm anyway. Bed time for me.

Daily Post 177: Back and Forth

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I didn’t write yesterday. Totally broke my writing streak which WordPress we so kind enough to inform me about. I wrote for three days in a row. I know… Mind blown, right? It’s been forever, eons, since I’ve carved out time to write for three consecutive days.

I was a little sad that I didn’t write last night but yesterday was a pretty BS day at work. I was still tired from Friday. Last night wasn’t a very good night to write. It would have been doom and gloom so instead, I kept all of that to myself and eventually went to sleep.

Even Ox said I looked tired yesterday morning, which is saying something since he’s seen me at 3 am for over a year and a half now. He’s seen good and he’s seen rough. I guess yesterday was a “rougher” looking sort of day. The kittens have been waking me up during the night which doesn’t help anything.

Today didn’t seem like it was starting out much better, but luckily it did turn into a decent day; another one where I’m able to write.

After giving up on sleeping in due to the kittens being awake and ready to play, I got up and started plucking away at my to-do list. I hadn’t finished meal planning the night before, so that’s where I started once I had made a cup of coffee. I spent a fair amount of time looking up new recipes to try as well. I got the shopping list figured out. I cleaned out my email inbox. I went through my physical “in box”, too. It’s been forever since I’ve done that and I could tell with how much time it took for me to sift through everything.

Ox called to let me know he was on his way over. He brought me a Cotton Candy Bang. Lifesaver. We talked for a while. I explained how I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way. He and I haven’t been able to spend nearly as much time together as what we’ve become accustomed to. Part of that is due to me having the apartment and the kittens and staying over here more. Part of it is having the kids for the past four weekends in a row. There’s the two months previous where I worked a billion hours…

It just seems like we don’t get much “us” time right now and that chips away at my feeling of connectedness. I also felt like there was this crush of things to do. I only have today before going back to work. Only today to plan and prep and do errands all while trying to make time for school and my tests and assignments.

You know… it would be nice to feel like I have a bit of time for myself, too…

Ox and I ended up spending most of the day together. He was supportive of me and asked every so often how I was doing. He encouraged me when I voiced that I was getting tired. “We’re almost done.” “Only one more stop, then no more people for the rest of the day. 🙂 “

It started with both of us sitting and doing our Darebee workout. Yep. Sitting. Today we did reps of flutter kicks. Nothing crazy intense and I think we were both ok with that.

Ox went back to the house while I finished up some chores at the apartment. I showered, gathered up my stuff, and went to the house to have breakfast with the family. After eating, Ox and I went into town. We tried to find a keto-specific cookbook for the Ninja at Barns and Noble but they didn’t have it. I might have to bite the bullet and order it from Amazon without skimming through it. There was a book for the InstantPot which I might go back and get. There were some nifty recipes in it.

We got gas for the car since I’ll be driving back and forth to Beatrice a lot this week. We poked around a few groceries stores, price checking brisket since that’s the recipe I’m going to be trying out on Tuesday. Eventually, we made our way to Walmart to finish up the shopping and then headed home. I was ready to be done being out. I still had what felt like a mildly overwhelming list of things to do; most important being my school assignments.

We went back to the apartment first to finish up chores and to unload the apartment specific items. I set some chicken to marinate so later I could cook my lunches for the week. Ox and I spent some time with the kittens then headed over to the house. I picked up some things from there, including my flashcards for chapter 4 and 5 then came back to the apartment… lots of back and forth today… Glad the apartment and house are only a few blocks apart.

I studied for a bit then took my second test. I’m waiting for the essay question to be graded. At the moment I’m sitting at a 90 for this test. I’m hoping it gets bumped up a little higher. I replied to the discussion post for my other class as well, so all of those assignments are now complete. I cooked some salmon burgers to have as additional meals/snacks for the week then headed over to the house once again, taking my marinated chicken with me.

Tonight I tried cooking a beef stir fry using a seasoning packet from McCormick along with using new noodles I found. Zero Pasta. They’re interesting. I think we’re going to try using them again this weekend for spaghetti. We have the kids again and that’s one of the go-to meals since we know Lil’ Ox will eat it. Sort of sucks for the rest of us though since we’re all on the low carb train. I’m hoping these noodles help with that issue.

The stir fry itself wasn’t bad but both Ox and I agree that it was pretty bland. It was worth trying out but I think I’ll stick to my own stir fry mix. Before starting on dinner for the family, I preheated the oven so my chicken could cook at the same time. Hooray multitasking. I also made a batch of guacamole to go with my burgers since the blender is at the house rather than the apartment. That’s one of the downsides to living in two places; what you need is always at the other place. XD

I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Ran the dishwasher. Put away the leftover then made the decision to stay and stitch for a bit. That was probably one of the best parts of my day. Sitting on the bed with Ox next to me, playing his video game with both of us listening to Black Clover. It’s a super simple thing, but it was so… nice. Quiet. Unrushed.

I’m almost done with the cross stitch I’m working on. That’s another thing that’s been nice; eking out time more often than not to work on it. Even if I only get 30ish minutes in, at least I made a little bit of progress. I took a little bit of time to do something for me, next to Ox, away from textbooks and work and chores and obligations.

This is the first full week of using my new to-do list system. I’m still tweaking it a little, but overall I’m pleased with it. I suppose I can get into that later. For now, I’m going to go. It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.