taekwondo

Daily Post 117: Rough Day

Standard

This is going to be a whiny post.
You have been warned.

 

I don’t want to be here. And by here I mean at work. I have grading I need to do. I don’t want to do it. I have water I should be drinking, so it’s sitting next to me feeling neglected.

 

I had the thought on the way to work that when I get back to Vegas I’ll be able to level through my taekwondo belt tests fairly quickly because I’ve been practicing on my own. And that was quickly followed by the thought that mom would be proud of me for being passionate about something. Which in turn was quickly followed by the thought that mom won’t be here to see me pass my tests, or to tell me that I had nothing to worry about when I have my freak out before the tests.

 

Last night was rough. Yesterday was rough.

 

By all accounts yesterday should have been an awesome day.

 

I woke up. I went to the bank and got things situated so I could pay off my credit card completely. I got a check to pay Clavan back. I went to work. I went to the gym where I had a pretty awesome workout. I went grocery shopping when I got home and even went out and picked up Chinese food before going back home to watch more Sword Art Online.

 

But yesterday felt hollow. All of those awesome things I did were just things. And even though I smiled and had happy moments there was this sadness blanketing everything. Damping everything. And as the night wore on it got worse.

 

It’s still here today. This sadness.

 

I played Witcher III for a bit, and that helped, but the reprieve didn’t last long. Trying to go back to sleep didn’t help.

 

The comment of, “It will be better when you wake up,” was an unintended knife in my chest because my thought, the response I bit back because it was unfair, was that it wouldn’t be ok. Mom will still be dead when I wake up.

 

And she was. She wasn’t magically back, and things are still hollow feeling and I’m still sad and alone, and I wish I knew why some days were like this. I wish there was some trigger that I knew about so I could avoid it.

 

But there isn’t.

 

It’s just another day.

 

It’s another day where I have obligations. I have to go to work. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself and shower and interact with people and every interaction depletes an energy bar that can only be felt. I can feel it draining, draining, draining until it takes all of my effort to simply remain silent. This hurt and anger and pain isn’t anyone’s fault, but that doesn’t make it less real, and it doesn’t take away the need to unleash it somehow. And the lower my tolerance gets the more it takes to not unleash it on those around me.

 

Today was another scream day. It helped a little. Maybe more than I think since I’m able to sit here and type this without crying. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to write without doing that. Maybe part of that has to do with how I feel detached from my emotions right now and how I’m not writing to mom. I’m just writing because writing keeps me busy. Too bad I have another 3 and a half hours to consume with pointless, trivial nonsense before I’m left figuring out what to do with the rest of my day.

 

I want silence. Emptiness. Peace. I want to cry and scream until I’m exhausted and to fall asleep without having to take Nyquil to do it.

 

I’ve been pushing too hard at the gym and I know it. My body reminds me everytime I try to do something.

 

Body: Hey, you used those muscles. A lot. And I’m angry at you for that.

 

Thanks, Body. But I don’t know what else to do. I stopped smoking, which is good. I didn’t like doing it. So now I workout instead for the endorphins.

 

Emotional Brain: Feeling bad? Do an awesome workout. See? You feel better. *a few hours later…* Starting for feel bad again? Go for a mile run. You still have enough in you to do that.

 

But that rush, those endorphines… they never last. I start to feel bad again. It might be hours later. It might not be until the next day… but those feelings always come back. There’s no way to escape them. I can only push them back for so long before they overwhelm me, like today on the way to work. How the sadness refused to be pushed aside anymore. How I screamed over and over again as I cried because there was nothing else I could do. There was no way else to let it out.

 

And so now I’m tired, and I wish I could say I’m empty, but I’m not. I know there’s more there. It’s just not the overflow that it was. I feel like I’m limping along today.

 

I don’t want to be here, but I am. I don’t want to feel anything, but I am.

 

I wish I knew what to do other than survive. I wish surviving felt like it was enough, or that it meant something, but right now, today, in this hour, it doesn’t. It feels pointless and in my apathy I’m not sorry for feeling that way. In my virtual page where I’m allowed to spill everything out so I can try to make sense of it all, I’m not sorry for writing that sometimes it feels pointless, because in the wake of mom’s death a lot of things are pointless.

 

The only thing that I want is to hear my mom’s voice again, and I can’t have that. So the only thing I can do is keep breathing through today, through the pain.

 

I wish it didn’t feel like an impossible never end task.

 

I’m sorry today is hard, mom. I’m sorry yesterday was hard, too. I love you. I miss you. I promise I’ll still test for taekwondo even though you won’t physically be there. I promise I’ll wake up tomorrow. I promise to get the grading done today, and I promise that I’ll eat dinner at some point.

 

I know it’s just another day, and I’m sorry I’m having such a hard time with it. Please help me get through it.

Daily Post 111: Coping

Standard

Mornings are the hardest part of the day it seems. I think that’s because in the morning nothing has started yet. I’m not busy yet. The to-do list hasn’t begun to roll. I’m alone with my thoughts.

 

Everything is heavy in the morning.

 

The past few days I haven’t had any pots or pans for cooking so there’s not breakfast / morning routine. We got rid of all of mom’s things because we thought I would be going back to Orlando. During my trip to LA that changed, though. I’m staying in mom’s apartment, which I’m actually ok with.

 

Today I went out and got a new ceramic pot set since Zane will be keeping the one I just got. I got a knife set finally. I got new dishes from Walmart along with a set of cups. I got a welcome mat for the front door. While I was having dinner at my brother’s house Lio offered to let me have some lamps she was going to get rid of, along with a three-tiered plant holder since she remembered me mentioning wanting to have an herb garden.

 

I’ve rearranged the cabinets in the kitchen three times now, trying to find the flow of things. I bought coat hangers so I’m not living out of my gym bag anymore. Not that I really have much with me. It will be nice to have all of my workout stuff again.

 

I found a dojo that I’m most likely going to be joining. Well… technically it is a dojang, but yeah… it’s a school for taekwondo. I looked for an aikido dojo, but all of the ones I found online were about an hour’s drive from me. Taekwondo isn’t my first choice, but it is an extremely close second.

 

I think this dojang will be what I’m looking for. The grandmaster was extremely nice. I like the fact she’s a girl, and maybe that’s sexist of me, but right now it is appreciated.

 

It’s still hard sometimes, and I know that I haven’t fully allowed myself to grieve. We still don’t have mom back. We haven’t spread her ashes yet. There’s still so many people to talk to, and things to coordinate, and places to go, and stuff to pack, and all of these “things” that need to get done. I haven’t had much time to myself even though I’m in the apartment “alone” most of the time. So much communicating. Sometimes I don’t have it in me and I just let the phone go to voice mail. Whatever it is will still be there later after I’m not burnt out on saying the same things over and over.

 

“Yes, it was sudden for all of us… Thank you for your condolences… No, there’s nothing we need at the moment…”

 

I feel like a broken record sometimes. Most of the time. A side-effect is that I’m sort of numb to the information now. It’s just words. Facts. Logic. They don’t hurt me like they did a week ago. They don’t claw into my chest, dragging out my heart in sliced ribbons. Overly dramatic, but pretty accurate on the pain scale.

 

One of my friends who has also lost his mom said that one positive side, nothing will ever hurt me the way this does, so everything else pretty much just rolls off like water.

 

Jon and I hashed a bit of stuff out. Zane and I did, too. That was most of this morning. Fighting and apologizing. On both sides. It takes two after all. I’m still not going back to live in Orlando. I might be able to get extended leave with work for up to 12 weeks. I’m waiting on the HR person to call me back since we’re playing phone tag.

 

I guess I’m just writing to write at this point. It feels good to sit down and list positive things that have happened. It’s been one week. I’ve gone to the gym three times. I ran a little over a mile today. It’s the first time I’ve run in over a month I’m sure. It burned, but I make it through all of my intervals. Go me.

 

I’m alive. I’m coping. I’m “learning to me” as Mama Spike would say. And I think right now that’s what I need the most. Tomorrow is tentatively a soul search day. I have to figure out who I am now. I’m no longer a teacher. I’m no longer a daughter even though I still have my dad. I only feel mildly guilty for saying he doesn’t count since he hasn’t been a part of my life for so long. I’m no longer a student, at least not as far as earning a second degree goes. I’m not longer a lover to someone since the relationship with Zane is over.

 

My life has changed so much. So who am I now? Who do I want to be?

 

Totally not up for that much brain power right now. Maybe tomorrow. But… for now, it’s shower time and then bed time. There weren’t dreams about spiders last night. Hopefully tonight is another dreamless night.

Musing Moment 0062: Catching Up

Standard

I feel sort of lame. I’m already like five days behind on this challenge. Off to a great start… But I’m going to try to keep pushing forward with it.

Day 3 – Goals

Day three is when you pick 10 goals you want to work on. Sadly I think this is the first time where I can’t really think of any. Maybe it’s because I’m still floundering in a lot of the areas of my life. This is what I came up with though.

Create a new rigging demo reel
in the next six months.

I want to create a new reel. One that isn’t full of my student work. I want to find projects that actually inspire me to use my skills and improve my talents instead of freelance projects that are frustrating and unfulfilling. Maybe actually working on projects I’m invested in will help to spark my interest in my field once again and help combat the burnout I’m experiencing.

Get gauntlet and grieve tattoos
in next six months.

I’m tired of not having my tattoos, which is something I’ve complained about on and off since the beginning of this blog. I will not compromise on these any longer. In the next six months I will obtain this marks because I deserve to have them. I have met all of the goals for them and I am doing a disserve to myself by denying my right to have them.

Rebrand professional website
in the next nine months.

Along the same lines as creating a new reel, updating my branding could help revive my passion for my work. Cleaning up my professional website, possibly even creating my own rather than using Wix could help give me purpose and drive, along with a sense of accomplishment for actually creating something.

Run a Warrior Dash
in the next nine months.

I have always thought of doing this. Training for a Warrior Dash would line up with my health goals, and again, give me something to be motivated for. Completing or even attempting a Warrior Dash will show me that I have actually made progress in this area of my life. When I graduated high school there was no way I could have participated in something like this. Even now, I know I wouldn’t fair every well. But with training and dedication there’s no reason I couldn’t. This is something I want for myself.

Reach a size 14
by next December.

Numbers really do not matter to me. My goal is to be healthy, but I feel this is a realistic number that I can reach in my overarching goal for better health. It will be the smallest I can remember being in my adult life.

Become a black belt in Aikido
by next December.

This will be an ambitious goal, especially with how I am currently not practicing. I feel I could reach this goal, however. I want to attempt it. I want to go back to my dojo. I want the peace I found in practicing. I want to prove to myself that I can still learn new skills and grow. I want to reach the first level of Dan so I can push even further.

Become a black belt in Taekwondo
by next December.

This follows the goal for Aikido. I enjoy this style of martial arts. I like the difference I feel compared to Aikido. I want to reach a black belt in this form to prove to myself that I can.

Pay off the car loan and
Bank of America card by next December.

I don’t know how I can do this one. Especially right now, from where I’m at, which feels trapped and tied down. There are so many ways I could though. I could actually do the Fredinator contract so I get revenue from my YouTube channel. I could create scripts to sell. I could take on the Metaverse form moderator position. I have avenues I could pursue to actually accomplish this ambitious, almost outrageous, goal. I could begin taking on freelance projects for my design degree. I need to find the avenue that would give me fulfillment so the time and effort put towards this goal will seem worth it.

Complete quilt for Jace
by next January.

My nephew is growing up so fast. It makes me realize how much I’m not doing with my life currently. How I’m thrashing and struggling, but against myself, and hurting only myself in the process. His birthday is in January. I don’t have the time to start and finish a full quilt by the time his birthday comes around, but I do want to complete a quilt for him by his next birthday. It was something I told my mom I wanted to do for Jace when he was born and I feel if I actually began work on this project AND completed it that I would feel accomplished. I feel I would have given Jace something meaningful, something of myself.

Day 4 – Push Goal

So out of all the things I listed there’s a main goal, a push goal, which will make the other ones easier to accomplish. By working towards it, I’m also working towards other objectives and so there’s a bit of a domino affect.

I believe my push goal, at least at the moment, would be to train for my Warrior Dash. By training for it I would not only be working towards my goal of running the race, but I could incorporate training for my aikido and taekwondo goals into it as well, and all of those goals push me close to my goal of being healthier.

Which, honestly, I think those goals will make me happier than my other ones. I want to focus on my self. I want to be selfish and indulge in my shadow traits and take time for me, to make me better, stronger. Training would give me alone time. It would give me space. It would be working me towards where I’ve wanted to be for a while now.

I want to shut out my career which is full of expectations from other people. Outside voices and noise. I want to shut out school, social, and life in general. I want to lose myself in myself and when I reemerge I will come out transformed. A better me.

Thinking about these goals, reaching them, makes me feel calmer, motivated. It makes me want to go out and do things. It makes me feel like there’s a reason to get up.

Day 5 – Important Person Promise

I’m supposed to promise important people in my life that I’m going to reach my goals, but you know what? I’m not going to promise anyone this time. This isn’t an obligation. This isn’t for other people so they can have the power to make me feel bad or like I’ve disappointed them.

This is for me, because I want to feel better. This is for me to prove that I can as long as I stop standing in my own way.

Day 6 – The To-Do List

I’ve gotten slack with this. I don’t make my lists in a consistent place or time. I just hope and pray that I am able to get to it before my day goes into chaos.

No longer.

I will write my blog EVERY NIGHT before going to sleep. I will make sure I have time to do it, before I get too tired. I will go back to having a cup of tea every night, and as I drink my tea I will write my blog and before going to sleep I will write my to-do list for the coming day. I will see what time restraints I have, and figure out what I want to get taken care of in the windows of time I have. I will make sure there is always time for my training. I will make sure I provide myself enough time to recharge. I will limit the social obligations I give myself because right now socializing isn’t my priority.

Training and recharging through activities such as cross stitching my nephew’s quilt are both things that will help me improve my emotional health and help me get closer to the goals I am currently focusing on.

Day 7 – The Brain Dump

Currently I’m on day seven, but I don’t feel like I can finish this task before the end of work, and really I would rather be at home when I do this section any way. So I will save it for now and do an additional post for it later.

Aside from figuring out my goals, I feel this is the most important thing to complete. Figuring out my life, the tasks and loose ends that need to be taken care of so I feel like I’m on top of things again rather than drowning in all of my incomplete “obligations”. This is where I clean house and figure out where I am, and give myself a battle plan for getting back in control.

So yeah, I need more than 10 minutes for this. I’m happy with all of the progress I have made so far, though. I’m feeling like I have direction again.

Musing Moments 0040: Things That Should Be Said

Standard

There are a few topics that I need to work through at the moment. They’ll each get their own section, so hopefully I don’t tangent all over the place. That being said, I do expect this to be a bit of a winding, long, TLDR post.

Faith

I feel I have strayed from my journey. The very beginning of my blog, the first post, was the day I shaved my head. It was the start. It was where I dedicated myself to myself, and proclaimed that I would focus on improvement.

I would focus on my health, my faith, my emotional and spiritual well-being. I would work on me and my insecurities. I would solidify the direction I was headed in life.

I gave Freya my word that I would honor her through my actions. Through honoring myself and what I had / have been given I would in turn bring her honor. I decided to explore Buddhism, and to try to reach higher levels of enlightenment.

I feel I have strayed from this path. I feel while it is important to ‘go with the flow’ that at the moment I am in a storm of my own creation. I am being tossed about by angry waves and that I am not on the course I had originally intended for myself.

I have yet to finish Buddhism Plan and Simple, which I started months ago. I have not been diligent with the gym, running, or yoga, which is a form of worship for me. I have let my eating habits slip, which is dishonoring my body, which in turn dishonors my goddess.

Little transgressions, small cuts, which I feel are building to bleed me out. I am wounding this area of my life and it is causing discord. I need to acknowledge my actions and actively work to correct them rather than continuing to do things I know taking me away from where I want to go; away from my goddess.

I am a warrior. I will overcome any foe, including my own mentalities. I will not hold myself back. I will persevere and be victorious. I will reach my goals and I will return to the inner peace I know I am capable of feeling.

Relationships

I feel like John, my younger brother, and I are drifting apart. It’s hard for us to line up our schedules, what with mine always being screwy and him being in Germany. I feel his absence. He may be taking leave to visit soon. The only thing to really do is acknowledge these emotions, accept them within myself. I miss him, and will continue to miss him.

My mom is getting ready to move to Las Vegas to be closer to my older bother, sister in law, and my nephew. She will no longer be a six hour drive from me. I haven’t come to terms with this yet. It’s not real in my head.

I know this is going to be hard for me, for both of us. My mom and I are extremely close. I know I’m going to experience feelings of abandonment. It will be one more reason for me to leave Florida; to be closer with my family. Since this has yet to happen, again, there’s not much else to do other than to acknowledge the feelings and to move on.

I am more settled about the feelings with my dad. Father’s Day was hard, not as hard so it is for some. But knowing that does not diminish or make my own feelings less valid.

He didn’t reach out to me, and I didn’t reach out to him. There’s not much else to say. Things are as they were. Each year it gets easier. Not by much, but I accept that we are different people. We can’t have what we did when I was a child because I am no longer a child. He has two other daughters. He has another wife. He himself is a different person. The past is where it belongs, in the past, and while I miss the relationship we had, some relationships are meant to end. I feel this is one of the ones in my life that I need to truly let go of.

Ex. I dislike this term so much. I dislike thinking of my relationships, any relationship, has ‘failed’. I dislike how some of the relationships in my past are with people whom I can no longer talk to. I dislike that things turned out so badly that something I though was positive, lasting, turned into something corrosive, corrupted. Poisoned to the point that even the friendship I thought was there could no longer be salvaged.

I miss Mother Earth, Sammie, my other half. As her wedding draws closer I feel smaller and more frail in this area. I want to be able to hug her. I want to be able to see her and Josh. I want for us to pile into the truck together to go grocery shopping. I want us to share ice cream, or go to Denny’s. I want to bake zucchini fries using the fry cutter she gave me. I want to make the zucchini brownies she loved so much. I want to say I’m sorry. I want her to hold me while I cry. I want things between us to be ok, because I feel like they aren’t still.

And maybe that’s all inside of my head. I feel no matter what that it is selfish of me. I feel like the lapse in communication was on my part, that though a relationship takes two people, that I was the one in the wrong.

I should have asked or been more up front about meeting people. I should have considered how Mother Earth would feel finding out about Zane through my blog rather than through a phone call, or even a Facebook message. It wasn’t fair to her. She deserved better, and there’s nothing I can do to go back and change how I chose to handle the situation.

The only way to mend this is by reaching out. This is a relationship I do not want to lose. I feel this is a relationship worth fighting for. I will try to mend the trust I broke. I will do my best to try to right the wrong, the hurt, I have caused, and in the end I feel that is all I can do. My best.

RB. I miss him as well. I ache to know he is ok. I hope he is healing. I hope he is moving forward and finding himself. I hope he forgives me for my anger. I hope he understands why all of the situation bothered me so much. I hope he still thinks fondly of me. I hope he finds happiness.

I don’t think we would be able to have a friendship. I don’t think either of us would be able to separate from our past to have a dynamic going forward. Or maybe it is simply I who would have the problem. Maybe that is why I cannot reach out on my own to get the answers to my questions.

I have yet to figure out what to do in this regard. I am not ready to let go completely, and I’m sorry I’m not. I’m sorry we hurt each other and that those wounds haven’t healed fully for me.

Zane. He’s new in the fabric of my life, and yet we mesh so well it seems like he’s always been there. His unbiased and detached nature makes me feel open and safe with him. There are emotions involved, and yet we recognizes that it is for the here and now, however long that may be.

There’s not the pressure of forever. There’s not the pressure of being the one and only. There’s not the burden of being perfect. There are all of these things that aren’t present and it is freeing for me.

I can be myself. I can focus on me. I can go about my day as I please. I choose to be present. Maybe it is reverse psychology, but because I have the choice of what I do, I am more willing to give.

I feel he is helping me heal in ways that I couldn’t on my own, and I am grateful for that. I appreciate his time, I appreciate when he offers to do things for me. I am becoming aware of when I pull away from people and when I shut down. I am learning how to communicate through my fear.

We may not last. Our paths may diverge and I accept that. He gives me a connection to the here and now. To Florida. He gives me the companionship and affection I was withering without. And for that I am grateful. I am happy for what I have with him.

I don’t think there is much more to say for this dynamic. It will continue to grow and evolve and develop, and wherever it goes is where it is meant to be.

Brad. You’re new, too. The newest. Only a handful of days but you’re inside my brain. We are able to connect on a deep spiritual level and I find that fascinating. In so many ways you are like Zane, and yet not.

I have my Earth with Zane. My groundedness, my connection. With you I feel like I have Fire. I do not like comparing companions. Everyone is different, unique. Everyone has their own story, and I am enjoying listening to yours. I’m enjoying sharing mine. I am enjoying conversing with you, and there is a part of me that is glad you live just far enough away that we haven’t met in person yet. I like how even though there is an attraction that it is still just a mental connection so far.

I feel this is at the very least a friendship that will stand the test of time. As silly as it may sound I know you understand. INFJ meet INFP. Our thought processes are so similar, and we both have the NiFe that is so misunderstood by the other 97% of the population. I know I don’t have to worry about sounding crazy when I talk about vibes or energies, or how my intuition has never led me wrong.

You are already a confidant simply because of that intuition. You are part of my clan, my inner circle. Sorry, not sorry. : p

Thank you for your trust and understanding. Thank you for giving me your acceptance so readily. I look forward to where our conversations go, and no matter where that ends up, know that I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish you peace and a full life.

Ari. I hope we can move past where we are. I hope one day I can feel comfortable being alone with you again. I hope one day that I will be able to explain why I am uncomfortable around you right now and why I don’t want to hang out or go on dates and outings. Why I avoid them and always seem to have an excuse.

I feel I am not being fair to you. You say our friendship matters more than your desire for a relationship, but I don’t feel that from our interactions. I don’t feel that from your energy. I still feel as if you need to focus on you rather than external forces.

I feel you are where I used to be. You need to heal. You need to love yourself and until that happens you will always find your interactions lacking. They will always fall short of fulfilling you because true happiness can only come from yourself.

I will always love you and as with everyone else, I will only wish the best for you. I cannot give you want you are seeking. Only you can do that, and until you accept that I feel the need to distance myself from you. You must learn to stand on your own, and when you do you will be a force, a light that will shine so brightly, so radiantly. I look forward to seeing that day.

Health

I have touched on this mildly already with my concerns about faith.

Due to my schedule with work this coming month I have decided to cancel my dojo membership. I am saddened to feel this is the best choice, but I cannot justify $95 when I will never be able to go to the classes; when I cannot train.

I have not given up on aikido or taekwondo. I plan to return. I feel it is something I am meant to do at my core. I still want to teach aikido as my long-term goal, my calling. A peaceful warrior.

Because I budget $95 for my dojo fees I plan to transfer this money into the gym since I will be more readily able to go there. I will look into having a personal trainer for this coming month. I will continue to be diligent in my running and becoming more comfortable in the new gym.

I feel this lines up with my health goals, and would be a good investment of the unused membership money.

If it does not work out that I can afford a trainer I will then instead use the money to continue paying down the Bank of America card so I can be done with that task faster.

Until I talk to a trainer at the gym this is the best I can do. Creating a battle plan and a back up plan. We will see what happens.

As far as food and returning to eating clean, Zane is supportive, which will make it easier. We already have returned to meal planning. The only thing to do further with this is to continue on the path.

We choose healthy meals, we have healthy snacks. With the move over and the return to a ‘normal’ schedule the need / desire to eat out is less. While I am used to cooking all of my meals it is working well to share the task of cooking with the other members of the apartment. It is not a task that I need to worry about. I can cook on days where it is convenient for me to do so, and the other days the task is delegated to someone else who can more easily handle the responsibility.

We’re a family of sorts, and we help each other. It is a feeling that I had when I lived with Mother Earth, and I am glad to have found it again. I am glad that one of my biggest concerns, food, is no longer something that requires so much of my focus.

As I said, I feel I am back on the path I was on in this regard. All that’s left is to keep moving forward.

School, Work, and the Burn Out of Both

Why am I not motivated to do my school work?

Honestly, because I’m burnt out. With school, and with work, and that’s slowly bleeding over into life.

This past month wasn’t fun. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It was hard going to sleep around 3am, when I naturally become tired, only to wake up at 4:30 for work. I am not a morning person. I’m not going to pretend or try to be anymore.

It didn’t work, and it won’t work next time. I spent all month feeling tired and drained, unmotivated to do the things I needed or wanted to do because the need for sleep outweighed everything else.

I’m tired of being placed in labs where I am not competent. Aiding Shading and Lighting was supposed to be temporary. All of us as lab specialist keep being promised that things will get better, but it has been a year, longer I believe, and nothing has changed.

I’m not ok with this.

I do not feel fulfilled with my work and that is bleeding into everything else. I am unsatisfied and instead of doing anything about it I have gone month to month letting this burn out continue.

I constantly write how if people do not like where they are at they should take action to change it.

I used to love my job. I want to love it again. I want to look forward to going to work as I once did. But that doesn’t change the fact that currently I don’t love it. That currently I do feel like I am wasting my life being unhappy. I do not feel my job is worthwhile any more and that bothers me because it has nothing to do with the students.

I feel unvalued as an employee. My complaints go unaddressed, the small things which could make the environment better get denied. Employe appreciation events are canceled.

So far nothing I have done on my own has eased over these negative feelings. Each month I have to compromise or give something up for my job. Each month I sacrifice to something that gives nothing in return. Each month is another month where I care a little less. Give a little less.

No more.

I should follow the advice I give. If life is too short to spend being unhappy, then I should change my situation so that I am living by the values and morals I honor.

I will be talking with Clavan to see if there are changes that can be made. I have a few ideas to discuss with him. If nothing can be done to help me feel more fulfilled then I will give myself three months to find another avenue which might correct this imbalance.

Three months to find a new job.

That is my deal with myself. Try to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, then move on.

The degree, the schooling, isn’t worth being miserable for. If I really wanted to I could teach myself the skills I am learning. In some ways I wonder if that would be easier. I wouldn’t have the stress of a job I don’t like which is where all of my demotivation is coming from.

It’s not that I don’t want to do the assignment, that’s that I’m having to put so much effort into combating my burn out that I have nothing left to give to school. And that’s on top of struggling with feeling like a competent artist.

I can’t build my self esteem when I have no energy to work with. When my reservers are already depleted.

The first step is to talk to Clavan. From there I will know what is possible. But having talked to Zane I see now that my work environment is a negative influence in my life at the moment; one that needs to be addressed and changed, one way or another.

Conclusion

There are a lot of things I am addressing at the moment. Writing about them has helped. I’m done with feeling stagnant. I’m done with feeling trapped and as if I’m in a rut. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing to change the things that bother me.

I will change the things I can, and let go of the things I can’t.

Ever forward.

Daily Post 0122: Care Credit Owned

Standard

I’ve been so tired these past few days.

I’m constantly amped from going to the gym and the dojo, which means the few hours in-between everything where I should be sleeping I can’t. Much lame.

I know in a few more days I’ll even out and be fine, but this transition period sucks. : /

Friday was supposed to have been a super busy day, but I was so tired form not sleeping for 48 hours that I couldn’t pull it off. After lab I went home, skipping out on graduation. I got permission from Clavan to be absent from the department meeting that was schedule for that afternoon, and Monica was awesome and took over the PCC critiques for me this month, too.

So once lab was over I had the rest of the day to myself. I wish I could say that I got tons of sleep but I was only able to eek out a three-hour nap before hunger woke me up.

I had a tuna sandwich with Zane and hung out with him for a bit before going back to sleep for a few more hours. Around 4:30 I ended up getting a phone call, which he woke me up for.

It was the debt collector again. Not sure if I wrote about that and I’m too lazy to go back and re-read my posts to see if I did.

Basically when I dated Warren #2 we signed him onto my Verizon account. When we broke up I signed the account over to him and got a MetroPCS account because it was cheaper for me.

A few years ago I got a phone call about a balance that was due on the account. They didn’t give me any information about the collection agency and were hardcore pushing for me to pay over the phone. I said I would call them back when I had talked to Warren about the account since to my knowledge it was still active.

After talking with him we agreed it was most likely some sort of hoax since there wasn’t a due balance on the account and everything was fine as far as he knew. It also helped solidify that notion that I didn’t hear back from the ‘agency’ at all.

Well, they called me again earlier in the week, and this time gave me all sorts of information for the company. I haven’t looked into it, but I really don’t care that much about it. It’s not my account. I haven’t been on it for at least three years. As far as I’m concerned I signed the account over, it’s not my problem. I’m not going to pay anything that’s due on it because it’s not my debt.

I told the agent on the phone that I hadn’t been on the account in years and that I would talk to Warren and see what was going on. Once I knew more I would contact them.

So I messaged Warren about the balance. His reply was to ask who was texting him. I said Jennifer.

Warren: “Don’t message me.”

Furious doesn’t begin to describe it. What the F, dude? I just told you that I was getting calls from a debt collector. Don’t tell me to not message you. If you weren’t screwing up my credit I wouldn’t have a reason to message you.

Warren: “Remember you said I was abusive and you didn’t want to hear from me? I deleted all your contact information. Leave me alone f you think of me that way”

Um? Remember the two years we were together where you were emotionally, spiritually, and in two instances, physically abusive? No? Well… that sucks, but doesn’t change the fact that those things did happen, and that yes you were abusive. I am going to think that because it’s the truth. And no, I’m not going to leave you alone if you’re going to continue to cause disturbances in my life. Get out of it and I’ll leave you alone.

Me: “That’s fine. I understand that. I’m going to give the agency your information and you can figure it out.”

Warren: “I’m not behind on my Verizon account.”

Attached was a screenshot of the account balance.

I believe him. But I also know that I’m not on the account and can’t do anything to fix it, yet I’m the one getting hassled for it, and to be told basically to screw off and deal with what I consider his issue wasn’t cool.

It didn’t faze me for long though. As soon as I got his response about leaving him alone I was basically like, “Fine”.

Be a man-child. You’re pissy that I have a low opinion of you. Your actions spoke for themselves, so you have no one to blame for that beside yourself. Taking it out on me by being unreasonable and immature isn’t helping my opinion of you.

I’ll just toss the sharks your information and you can deal with it. I wash my hands of the situation. I’m not going to pay the balance, and any time they contact me I’m going to reiterate that the account is your responsibility and that they should contact you. Ass-hat.

So the next time I get a call from the agency I have a list with all of the contact information I was able to get for Warren. I didn’t have an address and as far as Jeremy knows Warren is still couch surfing. But I have his number and email address, so hopefully that is enough.

It’s frustrating that I had begrudging respect for Warren. He was the only guy who hadn’t messed with my finances and for all the abusive, manipulative, and hateful things he did while we dated I always respected him for that and defended him solely because of that.

He may have been a jerk, but he was honest and never screwed me over when it came to money.

Guess I’m going to have to revoke that defense. Again, ass-hat.

So that was a bit of frustration yesterday, on top of still being tired.

I didn’t go to the gym or the dojo yesterday. I didn’t have it in me; mentally or physically. But I’ve been able to get to the dojo three times this week which is way more that I was able to last month, so I didn’t feel to awful about that. Sleep seemed more important and I regret nothing.

I ended up going grocery shopping last night after paying bills.

I’m happy to report that I paid off my credit card. I’m unhappy to report that I have no extra money what so ever. That’s mainly due to the fact that I also got a storage unit.

I would have gone with a 7×10 unit for $130 and Public Storage, which didn’t include the insurance I would have had to get, or the admin fee, or the $15 lock they wanted me to buy…

Or I could go with a 10×10 unit at U-Haul for $140 plus an $8 lock…

I now have a 10×10 unit that’s essentially the same size as the room I’m about to move into…. I have no idea what to do with that much space. But yeah, I think it’s going to work amazing for everyone.

So that was $140 I wasn’t expecting to spend. I was hoping to keep the unit to around $70, but we went with a climate-controlled unit, which upped the price, and it’s a pretty large unit on top of that, so yeah…

In the scheme of things I think it was the right move. We can always move into a smaller one if they get a 7×10 open at the U-Haul store.

I have already moved some stuff into the unit. Not much, but I am going to be putting more in there today. The totes with my books and such so they’re out of the room which should make it easier to get to the furniture.

Since the totes can fit into my car I can bring them to the apartment on my own time and at my own convenience.

I’m going to be taking pictures of the futon today when I go check up on Scarlet to see if I can sell it for some money. I’m going to aim for $100. Zane and I are hoping to have me moved in by next Sunday at the latest. It feels like forever and a day away. It feels like I haven’t seen Scarlet in years. I don’t like transition periods, especially when they’re dictated by other people. Zane and I can’t really do anything until Trevor moves his art stuff out of the room. And I have no idea when that is going to be.

Trevor is going to help me pay for the unit so I should be getting $70 back for it. But at the moment I’m still down $140, which after all my other bills leaves me with $180 for food and $30 for gas…

No play money to go out and celebrate paying off the card.

I told Zane that last night while we were chilling at the lounge before leaving to go home. He said that he would have play money this paycheck and that I should figure out what I wanted to do to celebrate.

I said that it was sort of missing the point to pay off my card and then to celebrate on his dime. His response was to point out how many times I’ve gotten food for us. Which he has a point, and I know he does, and there is a small part of me who wouldn’t mind being taken out and treated all girly and stuff. I guess it’s the fact that I can’t pay for it on my own. It’s not a choice to let him pay. It’s the fact that if we went out he has to pay for me. It makes me feel weak, irresponsible, and vulnerable.

I also know this is something that I’m supposed to be working on… letting other people do things for me. Arg. I wish it didn’t make me feel like this. Part of me wishes I hadn’t gone through some of my past experiences. I sort of wish I hadn’t developed this insecurity, this need to always provide for myself because other people will only let me down, or use their act of kindness as leverage later.

Zane wants to do something nice for me. Why do I have to make it into this huge thing? Why can’t I let him have that happiness of being ‘manly’ and taking me out? Why does it have to feel like an attack or that it has some ulterior motive? I know it doesn’t, but I can’t make the feelings go away. I can only stare at them as the wreck havoc in my brain and cause anxiety that shouldn’t be there.

Despite having a minor panic attack for making a decision, we’ll be going to my sports bar together, most likely on Monday for the lunch special.

I made Parmesan chicken for dinner last night, which turned out pretty good. I think if I had used a different flavored sauce it would have been better, but the chicken itself turned out awesome, which was what I was worried about messing up. I served it over noodles with melted cheese on top. I added it to my recipe book and will be making it again in the future.

I had some of the leftovers for breakfast this morning. Just a chicken piece since the chicken to noodle ratio wasn’t even. At some point I want to make a green curry shrimp dish with jasmine rice. That will be amazing. <3

Other than that I’ve been working on homework. I have to create a water bottle label based on a deity from a list I was given by the instructor. I decided to go with Shakti. She seemed like the coolest on the list.

I already have a pretty solid concept, so now it’s execution. The assignment is due at the end of Monday, so I’m going to be blocking it out today and refining it either tomorrow or Monday.

Tomorrow is the DnD game. Not really sure what else is going to be going on. At this point I really don’t care as long as I don’t have to set an alarm.

I looked into the LA Fitness gym. I’ve been thinking about closing my YMCA membership and switching over to the gym since it is literally right in front of the apartment complex I’m moving into. If I wanted to I could go the ‘long’ way to the gym and get a good warm up run out of it.

They have longer hours, so I could go to the gym after work on the days that I work until 9pm. They have tons of classes, including belly dancing, which is something that I’ve wanted to try. They have kickboxing, which could help with my taekwondo. They have a sauna, and spa, along with equipment, pool, personal trainers, and other stuff that I didn’t really care about.

The biggest downsides would be that some of my coworkers go there, and it’s new, so I would feel out of place for a little while.

The membership would be cheaper than YMCA. There’s an initial fee, but after that it’s $15 in savings, plus no travel, so I would save gas and time. I’m still chewing it over. I want to go talk to someone there first. You know, take a tour and everything. I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it right now since I’m broke. It would most likely be next paycheck if it happens at all.

Really, I could take the tour today so I can at least know what my game plan is going to be. Maybe I’ll do that before going back to the apartment.

One other thing I’m going to get done today is scheduling an appointment with a primary care doctor finally. I tried doing it online, but the place I wanted to get seen at hasn’t responded to me. I even checked my spam folder. Nothing. So much lame.

So I’m going to try a different method and see how that goes. That means I have to call and talk to someone, but if it gets everything taken care of then I’m cool with that. I’m tired of having this looming over my head. My goal is to get an appointment for the last week of this month.

I’ll know later today if that works or not.

In work news, I have to take a training class. A class, may I add, that I’ve already taken and that they didn’t list me as having completed. I took this class when they had the huge push for the Navigator School leadership training. I completed ALL of those training courses except for the HR Toolkit class because it wasn’t being run yet, and because it wasn’t listed as a requirement for completing the training. It was more like an extra. That being said, the Student Success class they are requiring me to take again was a core requirement, and I did take it.

I was told all of my training would be imported into the new training system without an issue… Sadly I’ve pretty much lost all of my faith with the school. It just seems like I’m getting burned more and more often.

I have my to-do list for the day and I’m already halfway through it, but in all honestly I don’t have much drive for getting stuff accomplished since I’m still recovering from not sleeping for so long. Tomorrow will most likely be a low energy day as well. Which I’m cool with.

I might go running later. I haven’t made up my mind about that yet. It would do me good to make a decision one way or the other though so I can be done thinking about it.

I’m going running. There. Decision made.

When lab ends I will make the phone call for the doctor’s visit. After that I’ll go to LA Fitness, take the tour and get information. I’ll go to the apartment and empty out the car. I’ll go to the gym and try out the new playlist I’ve made on Spotify. I’ll go to the house, load the car, cuddle with Scarlet, and take pictures of the futon. Then come back to the apartment where I can post an ad on Craig’s list and work on homework for about an hour. Maybe two.

Productive day will be productive. No more slug-ness.

I really thought I would feel more accomplished for paying it off. It doesn’t really feel real right now though since I’m still broke. So much lame. It was a pretty huge step forward though. Hopefully it was the right step.

Daily Post 0119: First Page, First Day

Standard

It’s the start of a new month. It’s the start of a new notebook, too, since I used all of the pages in my last one. The new one has a red cover. Not that it really matters. I pulled it from my bookshelf randomly. But new notebooks always seem significant to me.

The last month doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past and can’t tarnish this new notebook. All of the to-do lists. All of the things I didn’t get done. All of the reminders. I take care of all of that when I switch to the new notebook. I go through the remaining pages and jot over the few things I need to, and then throw out the old one.

Maybe that’s hateful of me. The notebook served me so well, maybe I should do more than just throw it away. But burying a notebook seems a little extreme. Even for me. Either way, I transition from one pad of paper to a new blank slate. I take a deep breath and I write the first line of the first list on the first page with 69 other pages serving as padding behind it.

I take a moment to forgive myself. To let myself know that it’s ok. Yeah I didn’t get everything done. Yeah I could have done things better in hindsight. I did pretty awesome though. I got through a whole notebook, a whole month. I’m still going. So really there’s nothing to forgive. I give myself an internal hug and acknowledge that I actually get stuff done.

It’s a good feeling.

Today is like that. It’s the first day of a new month. The first day of my new schedule. The first day of being back on track. It’s technically a day off for me from work, though I’ve checked my work email and have responded to a few ‘work’ related questions on Facebook.

I was supposed to wake up at 8:30 to go to the gym. I set my alarm and everything. I forgot to bring the phone with me into the bedroom though, so I didn’t wake up until 9:30, which is when the spin class starts. So much lame.

Instead I went to the gym and ran. I actually did really well. I’m happy with my time. I’m upping my run intervals by running through part of my recovery intervals. I think next time I’m going to change the timing of my run intervals from 1 minute to 1:30. We’ll see how well I survive that.

Before all of that though I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from Joshua. He was done with the vacuum and ready for me to pick it up whenever. I got dressed for the gym, grabbed a breakfast shake, and headed to my old apartment.

Joshua was taking out some of his furniture when I got there. He was going to throw it out at the dumpster, but offered the stuff to me if I wanted it. He had a solid wood night stand, which I took. Even if I wasn’t most likely moving I would have taken it. It’s super good quality and could be sold online if nothing else. It deserves a better home than the dumpster.

So currently that’s in the back of my car along with my vacuum. Reunited at long last. <3 Now I’ll be able to vacuum up all of the cat fur on my mattress. Ick doesn’t even begin to describe it… Sad but true.

So yeah, had an awesome workout. Came home, woke Zane up since he asked me to do that before I left. Cooked breakfast for me since he wanted left over pizza. We watched Archer for a bit.

We’re on season five, which I really am not caring for all that much, but he said to really understand season six we have to sit through it. We’re almost done so I guess it’s not that bad.

After a little while I set up my laptop to poke around with my new online class. It’s Typography and Page Layout. Totally looking forward to it. I’ve gone through all of the course introduction assignments and have my battle plan for the rest of the week.

I’m going to complete all of the reading tomorrow, along with the discussion assignment, and take the quiz. Wednesday I will complete the tutorials and exercises, and most likely also start the brainstorming for the main assignment of the week. Thursday will be replying to the discussion post and continuing to work on the main assignment from that point forward until I feel it is done. I’m hoping to have all homework completed by Friday so I can have the weekend to myself. I feel that is a do-able schedule.

So for today I’m done with school.

I checked my bank account not long ago. Friday I’ll be able to pay off my Care Credit card. Like, completely, poof, gone, no more monthly payment paid off.

I. Cannot. Wait.

Seriously, I am so stoked. This week is going to be hard to sit through because I’ll be itching so bad to make the payment. I want to do it all at once though. So I have to wait. I don’t like waiting. Arg. Why can’t it be now? I’m only $200 short at the moment. So close. So incredibly close. >.<;

That’s my day for the most part though. Zane is napping at the moment which is giving me time to do my own thing. At 6pm I have taekwondo, then 7 to 9 is aikido. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do three hours. I’m worried that my legs are going to be shot. Especially if we focus on kicks in the first class. So far my shin splints are behaving… It’s like a tentative truce though. I’m waiting for them to get pissy with me for running and then doing more stuff.

So the rest of the day is sort of unplanned. I’ll stay at the dojo until I’m done, then come home and enjoy the rest of my evening by relaxing and doing nothing important. Most likely character stuff for Patherfind, which is what I’m going to go do now. And Game of Thrones. That has to happen.

Oh. Tomorrow is my dentist appointment. And possibly laundry… because cloths are a good thing. Even better if they’re clean…

It’s been a few hours, though. Time to go be annoying. Muahahahaha. >:3

Daily Post 0117: Book Recommendation

Standard

I meant to write yesterday but didn’t. Oh well. I’m writing now, so here we go.

When I was out at breakfast with Nik earlier in the week we were talking about D/s dynamics and submission in general. I explained how I didn’t want that type of relationship with Zane, and that I was content with the dynamic we currently have.

I don’t want that at all right now, actually. I’m tired of trying and having it blow up in my face. I like having a friend right now. I like the companionship and affection. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I found, and right now that’s enough.

While Nik and I were talking I went on to say how I didn’t know if I was really submissive any more, or if I had ever been one. I talked about some of my past experiences and why I felt that way, and how it was confusing and conflicting for me and just another thing on the list of endless things to eventually, one day, figure out about myself.

She smiled and recommended a book to me. She said it sounded like I was a Warrior Princess Submissive, and that I might gain a lot from reading the book, deceptively called The Warrior Princess Submissive.

She said I wouldn’t find much information online and that my best bet would be to buy the book.

It was a few days later before I actually started poking around online. True to her word I didn’t find much about Warrior Princess Submissives, but I found the book, and I found quotes from the book. I liked the quotes. They interested me and made me want to read more.

I thought about buying it, then thought about the Buddhist book I still haven’t finished reading. I told myself that before I bought a new book I really should finish reading that one first…

So I didn’t buy it that night.

Instead I waited until the next night because my brain wouldn’t leave it alone. I had to have this book. I really wanted to read it and to see if it really did have anything insightful for me.

It was one of those things where I could either continue resisting and suffer for a few days, struggling with myself, or just admit that I was going to buy the book before finishing my other book regardless and just go ahead and do it, skipping the days of mental abuse I would put myself through…

Pick your battles, right? I prefer to pick ones that I know I’ll win…

So I bought the book at 7pm Thursday night. I started reading it in the middle of my lab, and only stopped reading it long enough to go home to Zane. While he played Tales of Vesperia I read page after page until suddenly it was 3am and the book was done.

I was left thoughtful. There had been a lot of interesting points, some funny passages, some heartfelt stories. There were also sections that I identified with so much that it left me uncomfortable. It showed my weaknesses. It showed things I struggle with. It was like reading my own brain in certain chapters. Like this person had been following me, had been inside my head, and knew how I felt.

It was like he had access to the very center of my personality. My core. Not only did he have access to it, he had just typed it all out into a book and handed it to me like it was a little, mini “Jen Manual” or something.

Unsettling is one of way describing it.

There were a few times that I wanted to stop reading and walk away because I felt so vulnerable, in a way almost violated, just because of how close to home some of the text hit. But I couldn’t stop reading. I had to get to the end. I had to get to the next chapter. I had to know what else this person knew about me.

Of course we’ve never met. Of course this book isn’t about me at all. And there are some things that I’m like… Nope. Not even close… but there are so many thing in it that are me. I love it and hate it at the same time. How could someone, a stranger, know so much about me, be able to explain it so simply, when I myself have never been able to figure it out?

It doesn’t seem fair. And then I think about how INFJs are always better at understanding other people then they are themselves.

Does it matter how this person got the information?

No… I guess not. But I don’t like someone knowing how I work. It’s a weird feeling. A new feeling. I don’t know where it goes in relation to all of my other emotions. I don’t have a spot for it. So I’m flustered with it.

Where do you belong? /glare

But, no. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I have information now. I have new thoughts to chew on and contemplate. I have new reasons to be introspective.

I am going to be re-reading the book and writing my thoughts about each chapter. These posts will go into Musing Moments and I am hoping they will help me in figuring out this part of my personality, which I have always struggled with understanding and explaining to others.

In other news I got my Illustrator Friday Challenge assignment done last night. I like where it is going, but I don’t feel like it is done. I will most likely keep working on this assignment after the class simply because I want to see this image to its full realization.

I will post what I was able to get done with it in my Dragon’s Horde shortly.

I made Dong Po for dinner last night. The apartment smelled amazing from letting the meat simmer for a few hours in the sauce. Over all, I liked how it turned out. We had left over noodles from the shrimp scampi, but I feel rice would have been a better side dish.

I went to sleep around 3am again. Zane stayed up for a bit playing his game more. I’ve been enjoying watching him play. Or in the case of Thursday, doing my own thing on the couch with him while he plays. It’s nice to know we don’t have to be doing the same thing together all the time.

I slept well, but am still tired. It feels like a body tired, though. My muscles are sore from the gym yesterday. Biking, running, and rowing, followed by a bit of stretching. I plan on taking it easy today, which may or may not bite me later. The smart thing to do would be to stretch since the soreness is due to acid build up.

I’ve had an awesome morning so far. I slept as long as I wanted, and didn’t wake up to an alarm. I had eggs with coffee. I’ve had a hot, relaxing shower. Zane and I had some interesting conversation. I got ready for work, and so far work has been laid back. It’s the last lab of the month so most people are finishing up their assignments, which means they can leave lab early.

I was supposed to have lunch with Joshua to get my vacuum back, but he needs to keep using it for a bit, so I’m going to be getting it back tomorrow instead. That also means lunch is canceled. Sad day.

I have dinner plans with Rhonda. I’m trying to get those changed to 6:30. Currently I am supposed to meet her at 5pm. I messaged her on Facebook, but I don’t think she uses it all that often, so I’m not sure if she’ll actually get my message. We really should just exchange phone numbers… I’ll send her another message about that.

Sunday is my day off. Monday is a day off. Tuesday is admin hours and my dentist appointment. My next actual lab is Wednesday at 5am.

I’m hoping Zane and I can finish my characters for the Pathfinder game tomorrow. Monday is Teakwondo and Aikido. I haven’t looked to see what classes are going on at the gym, but that’s on the to-do list for the day. I have my final assignment to work on which will happen later tonight while Zane is at work.

For now that’s it I’m pretty sure. Good, slow day so far.

Daily Post 0103: Pro – Con List

Standard

Work went well. While I was on break I saw Huston. He wanted to know if I would be able to meet up with him at some point to work on one of his scripts. He has been try to make a class (that’s a programming term) for his script, but it wasn’t working properly and he couldn’t figure out why.

After talking about my schedule, and realizing that we wouldn’t be able to meet up for a few days, I decided to sit down in the lobby with him and help him out while I ate my lunch. The lobby is a social area for students, so I don’t normally hang out there, but if I’m legitimately working with someone then I don’t feel awkward about it.

So yeah, I ate my little tuna lunch while Huston talked through the issue he was having. We ended up getting the script to work which was awesome. It made us both feel good. It was great to be able to see Huston again and to enable him to continue moving forward with his project.

After lab I had about an hour to kill before having to be at the dojo. DM had text me earlier so I texted back asking if I could hangout for a little bit since he lives so close to my dojo. I figured I could finish off my character or we could play Soul Caliber.

He was fine with that. At the moment I have permission to come into the apartment without knocking. That makes me feel like I belong; like I’m part of the group. Their apartment is very social and open. It has a very accepting vibe to it, so it means a lot that I have been adopted into their circle.

We played Soul Caliber for a little while. I left for class around 5:50. We practiced kicks for a while, so my hip flexors are hating on me a bit today. And my calves feel tight, so stretching might be in order later this afternoon. Yoga sounds pretty amazing actually.

I stayed for an hour of aikido after the taekwondo class. I remembered a lot of the stuff, but I felt slow, rusty. It wasn’t a good feeling. The longer the class went on the less I felt it, but it was still not a cool sensation. I’ve only been to the dojo three times this month according to the sheet. So much lame.

Anywho, I got to practice forward rolls a bit, and I did my smoothest back roll ever so far. The few I have done in the past felt bumpy. This one felt super clean and fluid. It made me happy.

After class I went back to DM’s for a little bit. We had already agreed that I would not be staying the night. We played a bit more Soul Calibur and then watched a few episodes of “Is it Wrong to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?” It’s an anime, and it’s super cute. Hestia is so adorable. I absolutely love her character and I’m really interested in seeing where the story goes.

DM and I had some more deep conversation. We both agree that we need to take a step back to process what’s going on. It surprises me how we both think the same thing so often.

We both feel like it has quickly (in one week) become more than casual friends. Last night it was sort of funny / cute because while neither one of us wanted to leave the other, we both knew we needed the space, and that it wasn’t anything against the other.

I was thinking about it last night. Nothing that has happened has felt forced. The level of affection that we show to each other feels natural, normal. It feels like I’m supposed to reach out and let my finger tips brush his arm as he walks past. And it feels right that his hand turns slightly so that his own fingers brush against mine. It’s nothing big, it’s not something super intimate, but it makes me feel connected. And I like that.

We talked about titles the other night and I mentioned how I don’t like the terms boyfriend and girlfriend because they felt hallow and superficial. I said how those labels reminded me of immature high school mentalities of on again off again dating, and how I wanted a companion; someone to experience life with.

I’m trying to think about the situation logically without emotions. I’m trying to make a pro/con list, but I cannot think of any cons.

Joshua and I almost got involved after he broke up with Susan, but the pro/con list ended that before it began. He will be moving away in a few months, so anything serious would lead to emotional hurt later since neither of us would enjoy a long distance relationship. Susan was going to be moving back in to stay in the spare bedroom, so it would be awkward to tiptoe around her. And for me there was the added con of knowing some of our core traits would not mesh well, so there was the chance of harming our friendship.

None of that seemed worth it for a few weeks of fun. So we had a conversation about it and we both agreed to not pursue it, even though we are both interested. He still gives me hugs when we see each other, and we’re still friends after the conversation. We know it was nothing personal against the other, it just wasn’t the right time, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

With DM I can’t think of any cons as to why I shouldn’t let things happen as they are.

He is in the area and not planning to move. He has a job, though his motorcycle is out of commission at the moment. That should be up and running within the month, and even though he doesn’t have motor transportation, he is self sufficient and bikes to work or wherever he needs to go. He enjoys cooking. Our interests line up, both in the bedroom and outside of it. He doesn’t mind that I don’t want to share some of my hobbies and actually encouraged me to do so; that having separation would be healthy.

We’re both introverts with an understanding of how precious space and time are to each other, and we respect that. He likes cats. Stupid maybe, but it means a lot to me. He’s accepting of my faith. We make each other laugh. And I feel this is moving into more of the right brained feelz than sticking to logic…

He doesn’t live far away, actually he lives super close to everything that I find important like the dojo, work, and the gym, so it wouldn’t be hard adjust my life to include him in it. He makes me feel more balanced so I actually have the motivation and drive to get things done again.

It’s not me forcing myself to do things, dragging myself through the motions which take more energy than they should. I actually have energy to do things. I want to do them. I looked forward to vacuuming my car, to getting something sort of big done and off of my list finally. That’s the type of energy he gives me.

I think that alone is a good reason to continue with whatever it is that we have. I’m not really even all that interested in putting a label on it or defining it by trying to shove it into a box. I want it to be whatever it is and just go with it. But maybe that isn’t fair. Maybe that’s lazy of me, an excuse to not look further, deeper at it.

He’s not detracting from my schoolwork or actual work. I’m still going to the dojo and the gym. He isn’t a burden financially. He actually took me out for sushi the other day while we talked about my character’s backstory.

He wants us to be equals rather than having a D/s relationship, which I’m ok with. We’re able to pick on each other and banter back and forth without the other person taking offense. I get along with his roommates and friends, even his brother, at least the one I have met.

I don’t know. I don’t see any negatives. In my other relationships I knew they were there. I saw yellow and red flags in the beginning, but I ignored them. Or if I didn’t ignore them, I didn’t voice my concerns as forcefully as I should have, which was a communication error on my part.

The only negative I can really think of is that if it doesn’t work out, or we break it off, that I will emotionally hurt, which sucks and is something I want to avoid. It’s fear really. The only downside I can find at the moment is fear.

I’m going to keep thinking on it. I feel like there is more there than fear that I need to unravel and look at.

For now I’m going to go. I have laundry to fold, a freelance check to hunt down, some cross stitching to do, and eventually a gym to get to. It’s a rainy, lazy day today, but it still has that feeling of contentment.

Daily Post 0085: Early to Bed

Standard

Yep. Sickness. : /

Lame.

I woke up around 6 this morning. An hour before I wanted to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep though, so at 7 I went to the store for the few things I needed to pick up. I was super proud of myself for getting soup to help make me feel better.

Of course it wasn’t until I was walking out of the store that I realized I had forgotten the main thing I actually needed…. Toilet paper… F my life…

Went back in, retrieved that. Went home. Had soup, did some writing. Went back to sleep until about 11. Did more writing, showered. Went to work at 1pm.

David is cool with covering for me on Mondays and Fridays. So I’ll still be able to host the PCC Critiques and do taekwondo for most of this month. Huzzah.

He wasn’t able to cover me today, though, which was fine. I didn’t want to go to the dojo with how I was feeling. Didn’t make it to the gym either. So much lame…

I got most of my assignments done for the week. I have reading left to do, which will happen tomorrow with laundry. There’s a quiz to take, and then a case study. I can’t really do the case study until I do the reading, which is why I didn’t do anything with that assignment. That and because my brain is fried.

My headache is threating to go migraine on me.

In the scheme of things today went pretty alright. It could have been a hell of a lot worse that’s for sure.

I’m going to turn in early tonight and hope I feel better when I wake up. Tomorrow is SAL 9pm to 1am. Fun times…

Daily Post 0084: I Swear, If I’m Getting Sick Again…

Standard

Another low key day.

I wrote and got caught up on the blogs I follow. I had lunch with Grace and got to catch up with her. I put a second coat of paint on the walls. Went grocery shopping AND did all of the cooking.

I need to run back to the store tomorrow to get sour cream and shredded cheese, though… Laaaame.

The schedule changed for work. Originally I was supposed to work 5pm to 1am Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. Now I’m working 1pm to 9pm. Which still would suck because all the classes at the dojo are in the 5pm to 9pm block.

But…

The last lab, the 5pm to 9pm lab, most likely will only need one lab specialist there. So there is a chance that David will cover the lab, at least for Mondays, so I can still do taekwondo.

I’ll know for sure tomorrow, but it’s awesome to think that I might still be able to make it to the Monday classes at least.

I’m feeling a little sick… again… which isn’t cool in the slightest. I have a cough and my throat kind of hurts, so I’m drinking green tea with honey and cinnamon right now, and about to take Nyquil.

I shall crush this sickness where it stands.

Tomorrow starts a new class so I’ll have to check up on the assignments for the week. I have plans to go to the gym for a spin class at 9:30am. I haven’t made a to-do list for tomorrow, and I highly doubt I’m going to do one now. I’m actually proud of myself for writing. Still have a weekly recap to do, but I’m cool with waiting on that one.

I’m tired. I have to be up early. And I’ve been productive. I’ve earned some sleep.

Oh, and here’s an awful picture of my room. Lame iPhone sucking at taking pictures. The room is still a WIP, but I love it.

IMG_0019