aikido

Daily Post 120: A Mostly Normal Post

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I rewrote my about section the other day. Not sure why I find that important now, but I do. I guess my brain is trying to play catch-up with life.

 

I’ve cooked breakfast, cup of coffee included. I wish I had a toaster oven. I might see if someone has an extra they can let me borrow for the few weeks I’ll still be here. It’s scary. In two weeks I’ll be leaving.

 

I have an appointment with a locksmith today to unlock my storage unit. Through all of the moving around I’ve done since being back in Orlando I managed to lose my storage unit keys. Much lame. I already bought a new lock. I did that while I was reserving the UBox for my stuff. That’s on the 8th… Again, so close… so many mixed emotions.

 

Because the end is coming so soon I’ve been trying to find closure with some of the people in my life. I’ve reached out to Jarrett twice to see if I could say goodbye to him in person. He hasn’t responded to my messages so I’m guessing that’s not going to happen. I did what I could so I have not regrets or residual feelings. It would have been nice to wish him well in life and to not have animosity between us for the break up. He’s another ex who owes me roughly $1000.

 

I tried to reach out to Chad as well. I don’t think I ever wrote about him. He was prominent in my life while I was dating Corey. In the timeline of my dating life that was before Warren #2 (the second time), before Jarrett, before Sir, before Zane. Chad and I never dated, but there was undeniable chemistry between us which we both felt. Which I ignored. It’s one of the things I wonder on sometimes. What would have happened if we had dated? There was / is a lot between us and I wanted to reach out to him and let him know even though we haven’t talked in years that he was an important person in my life. I wanted to say goodbye to him in person. I haven’t heard back from him though, so I guess that’s not going to happen either.

 

Again, I tried everything I could to facilitate a meeting. If it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. I can only do my best.

 

I saw Zane yesterday. That led to mixed emotions. He had a few thing I needed to pick up from the apartment; a blanket my mom had bought me while I was a freshmen in high school, Scarlet’s flea comb, and a tablet pen and well that I need to return to the school during my exit interview on Friday.

 

I had stopped by after going to the gym yesterday. He wasn’t home and I was ok with that. I had forgotten to stop by the bank, though. We went over our data usage again because of me listening to Spotify, which I don’t regret or feel bad for. If we go over I pay the overage fee. So I needed to leave money at the apartment for the payment and had forgotten to go to the bank first. It wasn’t on my to-do list.

 

By the time I got back to the apartment Zane was walking in with the groceries he had gotten. I know he saw me pull up. It was frustrating and I feel disrespectful how he kept walking away from me. Looking back on it, he most likely didn’t know I had already been to the apartment and gotten my things. He most likely thought that I still had to come inside. But I didn’t. I wanted to hand him the money and leave and instead I had to “chase” him into the apartment to give it to him.

 

He was extremely nice and friendly to me and the whole time all I could think of was how he yelled and cursed at me on the phone last Saturday. How he had Sara over while I was in Vegas and lied to me about it. How he admitted to taking advantage of my need for human contact. How he had wanted to “be my friend.”

 

I couldn’t be nice back, so instead I was quiet.

 

When he wished me a good day I turned and left, not saying anything in return. I didn’t wish him a good day. I wish him nothing. I’m still too angry and hurt. I don’t wish anything negative anymore but I guess I’m still too low to wish him a happy life because I don’t feel like someone who can be that inconsiderate, that selfish, deserves happiness. I feel like he should feel the pain he put me through, that he put Nic through, that he’s most likely going to put Sara through. I want him to understand what it feels like. And maybe that’s selfishness on my part.

 

I don’t know. That’s where I am with that right now. There shouldn’t be another reason for me to see him again aside from signing paperwork. I’m giving him until Friday to switch his phone over to his own account. If not then I’m going to send a reminder about it, explaining the only options I have available are to disconnect the line which would terminate his service.

 

Anywho…

 

Seeing him led to all sorts of mixed up feelings. I came back to the extended stay and cried a little. I wrote, which helped. Afterwards I went to Sir’s place and watched Batman Bad Blood and last week’s Game of Thrones episode. I was pretty ok with everything that happened. I love the Hound.

 

I don’t think a whole lot is going to happen today. I have the storage unit to take care of. Currently waiting on the guy to call me, but that shouldn’t be until around 10ish. I have work at 1pm. At some point I want to go to the gym. I need to run to the grocery store for a few things, but nothing overly major.

 

I think I’m going to set my computer up and get a controller so I can play Witcher III. I think that will give me something to occupy my time with. Something I actually want to be doing. I’ve kicked the idea of cross stitching around, but I don’t have it in my at the moment.

 

Today is the first official day of summer. It doesn’t feel different in Florida. There isn’t an energy shift. It’s been “summer” for months.

 

Oh. Something else that happened. I got contacts. I’m not going to wear them constantly. Only when I’m at the gym or doing crazy taekwondo / aikido stuff. I figured it would be beneficial to my glasses to not put them in harms way.

 

So I guess this is a public service announcement… foreign objects on your eyeballs feel weird. >.<

 

That’s about it though. Going to go finish my coffee and shower so I can get the day started. Looking forward to killing me some ghouls and bandits.

Letters to Mom 004: Anger and Denial Suck

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Hi mom,

 

It’s been a while and even as I start to type this I can feel myself about to cry and I’m sorry. I guess I’m going to say sorry for a while even though I know you wouldn’t want me to.

 

The check came in the other day. It got sent to Jason because I didn’t know where I would end up. I didn’t want it to get lost in the mail so if it were sent to Jason at least I knew it would end up in good hands. So he got it, told me it came in, and I gave him the address to my PO box. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be there one day when I went to open that stupid little gray door.

 

And it was there. Wednesday afternoon. I opened the door and there was a white USPS envelope in it and I knew it was the check from Jason. I didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to touch it. I didn’t want it to be there.

 

But I did touch it. It was real, and physical, and I took it out and held it in my hands as if it were some precious thing, burning my hands with fire to the point I couldn’t hold onto it but couldn’t put it down either. I walked to the front of the post office. No one was there as I pulled the flap open and pulled out the papers inside. There was the unopened envelope from the insurance company and a photocopy of your obituary.

 

I was so angry with the check. I still am. I want to hate it. I want to have a person that I can turn all of this anger towards. I want it to be someone’s fault so I can yell and scream at them. So I can tell them how they ruined everything. How the money is insulting because all I want is you. All I want is to be able to give it back… No, not give. I want to throw it back at someone. I want to hurl it, fling it, with all of the strength I have at someone and have them cower from my fury. I want my anger and rage to be enough to have the Universe return you to me, to allow you to come home and hug me and tell me that it won’t happen again.

 

I miss you, mom, and while I’m at work or doing laundry or trying to figure out how to move forward with my life I can make it through my days most of the time. I’ve only called out of work twice. I went to the second meeting for the woman’s leadership initiative. I mailed off the papers for the ticket “I” got since Zane ran a red light back in February. I’ve been eating at least one meal every day. I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve been doing all of these things and even on the days that sort of suck and I’m low energy and I want to do nothing at all I still end up doing things because I’m me and I don’t know how to not do things.

 

But it sucks, mom. It sucks so much sometimes and I really wish you were here to do I don’t know what… Make it better. Be there for me to talk to and escape from my life. I miss our hour long conversations about nothing. I miss hearing your voice. I miss you and it’s only when I stop that I am able to process through this emptiness but I so rarely let myself stop. I don’t want to stop because stopping means figuring things out emotionally and that hurts and I’m so tired of hurting. I’m so tired of feeling alone and like I’ve lost something, something that will never, can never, be replaced.

 

I talk about how the inside of my self is empty and white. Barren. There isn’t wreckage or debris. I don’t know what there is. I don’t want to be a new person. I don’t want to change. I’m not using bits of broken pieces to make something new. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m picking up or touching or finding that causes this pain when I’m alone and talking to you.

 

I know you left the money to help. I know that you wanted me to have it. I talked about it a lot in therapy this week. I got the check Wednesday and had therapy Thursday, so at least I wasn’t able to stew about it in my head for a super long time. Just long enough to know that I’m angry. Just long enough to figure out logically that my anger is misplaced and the most immediate thing I need to figure out a way to cope with said anger.

 

Yay logic. Who said you can’t have a to-do list while grieving?

 

In therapy I said it felt wrong for me to benefit from the money. It would mean I was benefitting from your death because the only reason the money is there is because you died. I don’t want your death to be a good thing, mom. I don’t want it to help me be a better person. I don’t want it to destroy me because I know you want me to keep living. I don’t want it to be a neutral event, one causing no emotional reaction within me, because that would mean your death meant nothing to me. Being neutral would mean you meant nothing, and that’s not true. You meant the world to me. You were my sun, my light, my mentor and best friend. You were my mother.

 

You meant everything to me.

 

So your death isn’t good. But it isn’t soul crushingly, life-endingly bad. But it’s not neutral, either… So what is it?

 

I don’t want to hate myself for progressing in life but if I use this money as a stepping-stone to do it, to move forward to where I want to be, then I think I would have a hard time not hating myself. In my head it’s fucked up for me to, in any way, “gain” from the loss of you.

 

I hate all of this, mom. I hate the confusion and the hurt. I hate the tears that are always there when I drive to work because the thought of obligations makes me realize how trivial everything is. I hate the tiredness that I wake up with because it’s not tiredness from not sleeping well. It’s tiredness from being mentally and spiritually injured and exhausted. I hate using the word hate because I don’t really “hate” anything, I just dislike it to the point of feeling a physical aversion.

 

Hate is too strong a word for most of the things I feel, but it’s an easy word to use so I use it. At this point it really is more of a laziness issue because “dislike” isn’t all that hard to type, but hate is easier so that’s the word I use… It’s also more dramatic and who doesn’t enjoy drama from time to time, especially during a pity party?

 

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, dammit!

 

I don’t want to hate the money because I know it’s a gift from you. And so there’s confliction over that. I want to love it. Accept it. Cherish it, forever and for always, just like the USPS box that you sent my Christmas stuff in. But the money isn’t what I want. I want you, and having the money reminds me that you’re not here. You’ll never physically be here again, and that reminder sucks.

 

I remember we had a conversation one time. I can’t remember if it was before I moved out or if it was one of the times I was visiting home, but I remember we were at home, in the living room, on the couch. Somehow we were talking about death and you said you knew it was going to be really hard for me when you died. You said something about how you raised me to be strong and that meant not doing stupid shit like hurting or killing myself.

 

Ok… so you didn’t say “stupid shit”. I can’t honestly remember your exact words but that was the gist of it. “You’re strong and I want you to keep going, even after I die.”

 

I know the money is your way of trying to help me through this.

 

I don’t want to go through this though, mom. And I want to say sorry for that, for not wanting to go through this experience, but I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry that I don’t want you to be dead and that I want you to be here, and I’m not sorry for wanting something selfish and unrealistic and childish. I’m not sorry for loving you and missing you and for feeling sad.

 

Well… actually, I am sorry for feeling sad, because I know you don’t want me to be sad. Which is sort of weird, because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want me to be angry either but I’m not sorry for the angry side of things… Maybe that’s something to meditate on and look further into… why do I think some emotions are ok to feel, but other emotions, like sadness, aren’t ok and make me feel guilty…

 

Blah… So I guess this is where I’m back in the denial stage and resisting reality. I don’t want this. I didn’t ask for it. I want to give the money back because that’s how refunds work. If you give something back you get the original thing returned to you.

 

But that’s not how life works and so right now I’m stuck with the choice of hating life or accepting where I’m at, and hating life is so much easier right now, mom. It’s so easy to sit here, alone, and to feel sorry for myself because the rest of the world can somehow keep going, prattling on with their lives, while I sit here, alone, without you in my life to sit across from me. I know you’re with me, you’re around me, you’re inside me, but I wish with every fiber of my being that you were still physical and could hold me right now.

 

I still plan to take time off from life. I still plan to use the money to pay for bills and to pay off the credit card, and to have a membership at the dojang. I opened a Navy Federal account so I can get away from Bank of America. I’m waiting for the check to clear so I can pay off the phone and switch it to MetroPCS because there is coverage in Vegas for it.

 

Everyone keeps telling me the money is a gift. The people who I consider acquaintances make the customary, though annoying insensitive, comment about spending the money wisely.

 

Every time I hear those comments this conversation plays out in my brain. No joke… Every time…

Irrational Grief Brain: Thanks… but I know this is a gift from my mom. A very special gift. And even though I don’t want it, I’m not going to give it away or do something stupid. It’s precious to me and I want to hold it close to my chest because that’s the closest I’ll ever get to being able to hug my mom again.

I’m not going to go set it on fire or spend it on stupid shit. I’m not a child. I don’t need a reminder to be an adult because I AM a fucking adult.

It’s not your place to tell me what to do with a gift, any gift, especially the last gift I’ll ever receive from my mom. Your not my parent, and trying to be “parental” reminds me that the only pesron who ever had a right to be “parental” is my mom, and that she’s gone because she’s dead so welcome to the “I’ve made myself Jen’s target” club.

Go burn in hell you insensitive jerk-face.

 

It’s exhausting thinking such emotionally intense thoughts. It’s a lot like when I had to tell people you had died.

 

“I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything I can do, or anything you need, please let me know.”

 

Irrational Greif Brain: I don’t know what I want other than for mom to come back. Since I’m pretty sure you can’t do that, there’s nothing that you can do other than leave me alone.

I don’t know what I need. I don’t even consider eating to be a need right now. If you want to be helpful then proactively do something for me, rather than making it MY obligation to figure everything out.

Do you even know how many obligations I already have? I’m not going to remember to delegate things to you. If you want to help than “do” something for me. Take a task, any task, away from me, without me asking, because not only do I not like asking for help to begin with, in this situation I most likely wont remember that asking for help is an option.

I’m alone in the world, ok? I don’t care that you actually exist and breathe and have a life that you’re living with goals and ambitions and dreams. Right now there aren’t other people, ok? There is only this emptiness and Jason and Jon and Lio. And if there are other people, they’re obligations that I have to take care of.

That is how my brain is functioning right now. No one is here to help me. I am alone aside from my family. If you want to help, do the laundry for me. Don’t ask. Just say, “I want to do [insert task here] for you. Is it ok if I come over [insert specific time here] to help you out with that?”

Holy fuck, that would have been so much more helpful than making me remember more things when the only way I’m functioning day to day is by scrawling on my arms with a sharpie marker because there isn’t paper near by and if I don’t write it down I’ll forget it and then fire and brimstone will fall from the sky because I’m the worst daughter ever and mom would be disappointed in me for failing at life.

 

Yeah… irrational grief brain isn’t a very fun brain… And those thoughts were there literally every time someone said, “Let me know if you need anything.” Which was every, every, fucking conversation I had to have with anyone. So exhausting. And the only thing I said was, “I appriecate it. I’ll let you know if I think of anything,” because that was so much easier than actually trying to think of or remember things that needed to happen right after I had just had to say those words again, “Mom died.”

 

The best conversations I have had, the ones that make me introspective and not instant Irrational Angry Jen are with my friends. True friends who know how I am.

 

They actually take a step back and say how I’m one of the few people they aren’t worried about spending the money poorly. They know that I’m responsible and they know that I’ll use it wisely and for things that will truly help me or be a good investment.

 

There’s slight guilt in that regard because getting a PS4 so I can play Witcher III in my head isn’t responsible, but I know that I need some sort of escape and “down time” sort of thing. I was thinking about getting back into Guild Wars II once I’m back in Vegas as well, though with both of those outlets I’ll have to be careful. It would be all too easy to allow myself to slip into a gaming addiction where all I do is sit at home gaming, absorbed in another world. There’s just something about running around picking flowers to brew crazy potions, or crafting in general so I can whore the action house that totally does it for some part of my brain…

 

But yeah… to me games don’t really seem all that “responsible”, but if it’s something that’s for mental health then it is responsible… but it’s still a game, so wouldn’t it be more responsible to find a more constructive outlet…

 

You can see where my confliction comes in…

 

I suppose if that’s the biggest, most irresponsible splurge I have then I’m doing pretty good. I know you would want me to do something “fun” related. I’m always work and no play. At least that’s how it feels, especially the past year or so. The past how ever long it’s been since I gave up aikido. I feel like that was the last thing I really did for myself, and I had to give that up when Zane became unemployed. There was the Warrior Dash, which was awesome, but I already had the gym membership, which was a big part of that goal. I don’t know. In my head my race doesn’t count all that much because it was such a finite thing. One day doesn’t make up for the months of having to go without, you know?

 

I guess it’s the way my friends approach the conversation. It’s not a “This is what you should do,” talk. It’s more of a, “You’re going to do whatever it is you feel is right. I have faith in you,” talk. And the, “You’ll do what’s right,” makes me stop and think.

 

It makes me question, the world, myself. What is right? What would I be ok with? What wouldn’t I be ok with? It’s not an obligation or an order. It’s openness and acceptance and it lets me explore and question rather than being forced into a box.

 

I haven’t really spent a bunch of time figuring it out, shocker I know since that’s basically my catch phrase right now, but I do have one rule in regards to your gift. I’m not allowed to spend it on anyone else. Ever. The money has to be spent specifically on me, and only me. If I want to take someone out to eat, I have to have some sort of other revene to do it with because your money isn’t meant to take someone else out. It isn’t meant to help someone else survive. It’s meant to help me survive.

 

So at least there’s that rule. I’m not sure if there will be others. I’m pretty sure they’ll come to me as I find and think of situtations that I wouldn’t be ok with. It’s nice to have at least something to define “right” verses “wrong”. Honerable verses dishonerable.

 

I keep thinking about the feeling I felt when I got to the hospital that day. April 4th. I keep thinking this past week how it’s still been less than two months and how crazy that is. So much has happened in such a short span of time. It can’t have only been a month and a half…

 

But is has. It’s been such a short amount of time, mom.

 

On April 4th I stood in the elevator for the last time as it road up to our floor. I walked down the hall to our room for the last time, sort of surreal like. Almost out of body as I kept telling myself that I would make it through “this”. I would be ok. Somehow. Somehow I would keep breathing, and I would make it to tonight, and I would make it to tomorrow and the world hadn’t ended and, somehow, somehow I would be ok.

 

I remember seeing everyone standing around. The nurses that we had been interacting with, tons of new people as well, most likely from the rapid response team. I didn’t ask. I didn’t care. I kept walking, walking. I could see our room. Your room. I remember how the hall was so crowded but near your room it was so empty. So quiet and still. I remember Jon coming out of the room when I got there like he knew I was there. It was like a scripted TV scene. As soon as I was there, in the right spot, he came out of the room as if to prepare me for what was about to happen. He had his hand out as if to give me something, so I put mine out as well, to receive whatever it was.

 

He gave me your mother’s ring, the one I had made for you for Christmas. I remember how you always wanted one because MawMaw had one and you said yours would be so pretty. Two aquamarines for Jason and Jon and a turquoise in the center for me. You loved your ring so much, mom. I know you did because you showed it off to everyone and bragged about how “amazing” your children were even as I felt like a total fuck up half the time because of the stupid choices I always made with my relationships.

 

They had put tape around your ring so it wouldn’t fall off while you were in the hospital and get lost, and I remember when I got into ICU and held your hand for the first time through this whole experience how I was so grateful that you still had it on. I don’t know why I was grateful, but I was. Maybe because it was normal. Because it was a reminder of life. A reminder of how much we loved you.

 

I will always remember what it felt like for Jon to put your ring into my hand. I will always remember the weight I felt when I saw the little gold band in the center of my palm.

 

That was when I became matriarch. That’s when I knew that I had to grow up and be an adult. I remember how it hurt so much to see that ring, and how my face felt so pained, twisted into an expression I’ll never see as I put your ring on my ring finger before breathing in deep, holding back the tears and sobs as I walked into the room.

 

I saw you there. You were laying in bed. They had taken out all of those stupid tubes that had made it so hard for you to sleep. You looked so peaceful, mom. So beautiful. You weren’t in pain. You weren’t uncomfortable or tired. You didn’t have to worry about anyone coming in and poking you while you tried to sleep anymore.

 

I remember holding your hand and after a minute or so had passed I asked what we needed to do now. I took charge. I talked to the nurses and the case worker. I called the funeral home and asked about your insurance coverage. I made sure you wouldn’t have to go to the morgue in the hospital. Even then, less than ten minutes after getting to the hospital, I was doing things, because that’s what needed to happen. Things needed to be taken care of, so I did them so other people wouldn’t have to.

 

I didn’t want Jon or Jason to have to do that. I didn’t want them to have to call and tell a stranger, “My mom just died and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.” And I think the only reason I was able to do it was because while I said those words I was holding your hand, your ring secure on my finger while I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears that wouldn’t stop, while I squeezed your hand against the pain in my chest that made it so hard to breathe even though my voice was steady.

 

You were there to help me make it through that conversation because that conversation sucked really, really bad, mom. It was so hard to make that phone call and to remember the answers to all of the questions they asked. It was so hard to not just break down and start thinking about how the only thing I wanted was for you to wake up. For you to truly be asleep and to just wake up and for things to be ok. How I wanted to give the ring back to you, to slip it back onto your finger and for it to somehow bring you back to me because it’s your ring and how I needed you to not be gone because I loved you. Because I still love you.

 

I don’t know what matriarch means to me yet. I don’t know what I want it to mean. I haven’t spent much time meditating on it. I really haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about anything to be honest. Small snippets here and there. Small working throughs. Breakthroughts. Therapy helps with taking steps.

 

In regards to the money, instead of thinking of it as benefiting, I’m trying to look at it as your way of helping me survive, because that is my main goal right now. Whenever anyone asks me how I’m doing, which I still hate that question, more so now then ever, I answer with, “I’m surviving. You?”

 

Literally, without even realizing it, that’s the answer I’ve been giving. Yeah, surviving is still benefitting I guess, but it has a different meaning in my head. I’m not ok, and using the word “benefiting” makes it seem like I am ok. It gives this whole situation a positive spin rather than conveying the feeling of it being an agonizing trial that I didn’t ask for.

 

You’re helping me survive in one of the few ways you still can. I know that I personally need time, and I can use the money to give myself that time, that space, to figure out how to keep going on my own. I have to relearn how to walk is what it feels like. Fuck running at the moment. Maybe even screw walking. I have to make sure I can stand first, let alone do anything else. It feels so awkward at times. I feel wobbly, squishy. I feel like I just came out of some sort of cocoon that I didn’t know I was in. I’m not a butterfly, though. I’m not something nearly so pretty and fragile.

 

I don’t think I’m a newborn hatchling dragon either though, because what was I for the past 27 years if I suddenly just now hatched?

 

I don’t have an analogy yet, other than I feel squishy and vulnerable and that doesn’t bode well for other people because I don’t like feeling vulnerable.

 

I need to figure me out. I know I do, and I know that will mostly happen in Vegas, and so I’m not giving myself crap for not having the answers yet, especially with the realization that it’s been less than two months. Well, duh, I don’t have the answers. Who would, right?

 

I’m working on that whole “being kind and realistic with myself” thing… I think I’m getting better at it.

 

I think a big step, the next one I want to take, is figuring out “matriarch”. I keep coming back to that word, to that moment at the hospital where the word infused itself with my being. It means something to me. It means a lot. It’s a heavy word inside my head. I need to understand why it is important to me and what it changes because it changes, a lot. I felt it at the hospital. I feel it now.

 

I always thought that I would die young, and in my head that meant I would die before you. I never told you that, but I’ve written it before, and it’s always been something in my head. To me, young meant you would out live me, and I know writing that, saying that, drives some people crazy.

 

Sir mentioned that despite my “feeling” that biologically, realistically, children are meant to bury their parents. This is the natural order of things, and if you had had to bury me it most likely would have been a much harder situation because that’s not how life is supposed to work.

 

I understand that. I do. After hearing him say those words, I’m grateful for how things worked out. I’m grateful that I didn’t hurt you by dying. I would never have wanted you to feel this type of pain. Or worse pain. I would never have wanted you to have to call and tell someone that I had died and that you needed them to help care for my body.

 

It’s still odd for me. I had thought things would be different. What I had thought isn’t what happened, and so I’m having to adjust to reality. It makes me wonder though… There was such a shift in myself at the hospital when Jon gave me your ring that I wonder if that’s what “my death” was. It was most certainly an ending of something, and the start of something else.

 

Other than that, I don’t know what it was. I’ll most likely never know what it was. A lot of spiritual and emotional things aren’t meant to be understood. They’re not things you can analyze because they’re not analytical. They are things you feel, in your chest, in your being. They are experienced rather than explained. And so I have this experience before me, within me.

 

I am changed. Of that there is no question or doubt. Is it a death? Is it a shift? Is it nothing? Is it everything? I don’t know. I suppose it’s up to me to say what it is, and I guess that’s why figuring out the word matriarch is so important, because it is so entwined with this change, this feeling, this experience.

 

I realized the other day the black widow from my dream was you, rather than me. That actually made the dream make more sense. The widow in my dream ended up disappearing in the end. Sort of like how you were here, and now you’re not, at least not in a physical form. I should have known it was you when it felt “wrong” to think of myself as the widow.

 

I didn’t know what else, who else, it could have been, and looking back at the dream, it seems so silly to have not seen the connection to you. Other people mentioned how it was most likely you because the widow is a symbol of strong female power, but in the dream that wasn’t important. The spider wasn’t you because you were a strong independent woman. We both are. Actually, there are several women in my world who are amazing examples of strength.

 

You were the spider because you were there, and there were so many problems and issues and tasks associated with you. Thousands of baby spiders, and then suddenly you were gone and the baby spiders were still there, getting bigger, taking over everything that was special and sacred, and I had to take care of them all, kill them all, in order to keep what was important to me, to us.

 

I think I’ve gotten most of those spiders for you, mom. It feels like I’ve been at war. I’ve mercilessly killed and slaughtered most of the issues and obstacles in my life. I’ve systematically beaten down anything that has made itself look like a task. If I get too tired to finish something I save it for the next time I have energy. I hack away at it until it’s off of my to-do list because nothing shall survive this war. I will take NO prisoners and I WILL NOT accept “no” as an answer. These things WILL get done, and they WILL get done the way I want them to be done because that’s what I said will happen.

 

It was a warzone, mom. My life. Showering… Actually, even before that, just getting out of bed, was, still is, a battle sometimes. And every day I do it. And every day I count it as a victory in my list of vicotries and accomplishments and conquests. I count all of my tasks as part of the horde of spiders.

 

I still have a few “big” spiders here and there to squish. They’re pretty small, though, when compaired to some of the ones I’ve had to kill in these past two months. They just seem big in relation to all the other small ones, and really, even those spiders are almost gone. Most of the time I want to go to the gym now. Most of the time I want to get out of bed. These normal, daily tasks, aren’t always part of the overwhelming wave from the dream any more.

 

It’s getting better, mom, and I know I’ll be ok. And I know I’ll be ok in large part because you’re still here with me even if I can’t see you in the form you had for so many years of my life.

 

I’m sort of written out. It was good to cry, a lot,  and let so much of this emotional confusion out. I still have a lot I want to say, and while I’m alone in a hotel room again I may write more. Maybe to you, maybe as just a musing moment post. I don’t know. I’ll most likely end up falling asleep for a while again because I’m allowed to do that, right? Be a slacker on the weekend… that’s a socially acceptable thing, and I’ve already done laundry so there’s literally nothing super adulty that I have to do. Go me. I know you would be proud about that. : )

 

I love you, mom. Thanks for being here and for listening to me. You’re helping to keep me sane, even if it’s by making me seem crazy for talking to myself. : D

Daily Post 088: Sushi, Dishes, and the Dream

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I ended up biking to the store after writing my blog. I got a bunch of stuff done around the apartment too, including vacuuming. Woo. I went to work where I continued to work on my homework. Frank and I talked for a while. He asked how my race went. He said I looked stoned in my pictures which makes me more self conscious about taking them. I actually asked Zane about it, if he thought I looked stoned. Blah…

 

Anyway. Zane picked me up from work so we could do sushi with Hannah. She wanted to hang out. After eating she wanted us to come over to her apartment since her roommate moved out over the weekend. I wasn’t up for it though. I was still burnt out from the weekend, all of the biking I had done earlier in the day, which helped my muscles relax actually, and from being at work. I just wanted to go home and shower. So we said out goodbyes and Zane and I came home.

 

Yesterday ended up being my day off, and it was a much-needed day. One that started with a minor blow up about the kitchen, which seems to be a reoccurring thing now. That actually ties in later during the day.

 

But yeah, not an overly fun morning. I had to clean up everything, wiping down the counters which still had dried up spills of alcohol from the party on Sunday. Gross, much? Only then was I able to start making breakfast. I made the tuna after that so I would have food for lunches, while still having to do laundry and homework at some point. Plus actual grocery shopping which didn’t get done the night before…

 

Begin feelings of being overwhelmed and it’s only 9am.

 

Can I have a day off that’s actually a day off?

 

I know that’s not really fair of me, but I didn’t get one this past weekend. I wrote about how the previous week was really rough from the start. So bad week + race day Saturday + Social Sunday + busy week so far means I really would rather the world catch on fire than have to talk to another human or make decisions or take care of shit for other people.

 

Zane and I talked about it. He said I should talk to Trevor specifically about him taking over washing his dishes since it’s really only him and Danielle making a mess in the kitchen and leaving it. After a while I agreed I would talk to him at some point.

 

I also talked about a dream that I had. I don’t remember the beginning of it. I know Warren #2 was there. I remember we talked about something, and then started walking, him following behind me. I don’t remember where we were going. There was another segment or two that I can’t recall, and then the end.

 

We were leaving Ari’s apartment, heading towards the gate at the exit. There’s a tall, wooden fence that separates the apartment complex from the parking lot of a shopping plaza. In the dream the fence was covered with foliage. Thick vines and leaves. All a lush, vibrant green. There were butterflies everywhere. So many colors, all different types.

 

I made a comment as the car drove past them, “You know, butterflies are attracted to dead things.”

 

As I said it the car pulled up to the gate, which opened for us. As we drove past I looked out the window and saw an owl. A barn owl, white with tannish, orange-ish markings, wings spread out on the ground. It looked like road kill. Its head was bloody and butterflies were all over it. I knew, even being far away, that the butterflies were eating the flesh of the owl. I watched as we drove past. Detached.

 

And then the owl lifted its head ever so slightly, eyes shut, but I could see it, I could feel it. The pain and desperation to survive and there was a sickening, icy weight in my stomach. It was alive. It was dying. The butterflies were eating it alive.

 

And then I woke up.

 

Zane and I talked about the dream. I hadn’t realized it had bothered me so much. But it did.

 

Zane had taken the day off because he had felt sick on Tuesday, which meant we actually got to spend the day together, alone. Something we haven’t been able to do for a while. It was a good day.

 

I finished off one of my assignments for school and submitted it. So that leaves only one thing to do. I plan to start work on it today. I wrote but never posted since I didn’t feel like proof reading nine pages. My mom called, but I didn’t really feel like talking, so I said I would call her back. That’s going to happen today. I chatted with my younger brother for a bit on Facebook. He’s helping me out in Dragonvale, which I’m still obsessing over. Zane says I don’t play the game right. It’s not supposed to be a second job, but what did he expect from an MMO gamer? Doesn’t help that I’m a completionist. I have to get everything or else I’ve failed.

 

I’m working on getting some of the rarer dragons that are only available for this month. I may have gotten the Carnival dragon, but it has the same incubation time as the Moss dragon, so I won’t know which one it is for another 12 hours. Lame.

 

The bike had been left at school Tuesday night since Zane picked me up for sushi. I didn’t want to be at work for 12 hours today, so Wednesday afternoon he took me to school so I could bike back home. It was super cold and windy, and the ride wasn’t all that awesome, but I did it and I’m glad I did. While I was out Zane got Chinese for dinner. We watched an episode of The Flash. It was the Christmas episode. I enjoyed it.

 

After the episode Zane told me to talk to Trevor, which made me feel put on the spot, and as an introvert that was a no go. Long story short, instead of letting me talk to Trevor when I was ready, Zane talked to Trevor about stepping up in the kitchen and taking care of his stuff for me.

 

I know Zane had good intentions. He was trying to make the environment less stressful for me, especially since it was affecting how we interact with each other. But it made me feel like less of an adult. I didn’t understand how he could have respect for me if he thought I wasn’t capable of handling my own issues. It hurt and made me angry at the same time.

 

I was going to do it, but I hadn’t been given the chance to is what it felt like.

 

We talked about it.

 

Zane: What do you need me to say to make this right?

Me: That you love me and that you don’t think I’m a bad person.

Zane: Silly girl. That goes without saying. I love you and I don’t think you’re a bad person.

 

Maybe it is silly, but I felt like I lost face with Trevor for not talking to him myself, and there’s no way to go back and change that. I’m pretty sure I’ve let most of it go. It doesn’t feel all that awesome, but it’s not like it was last night either. And the kitchen was mostly clean when I went to make breakfast this morning, which was awesome, so maybe in the end it wasn’t a bad as it felt like in my head.

 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions after all.

 

So that was yesterday. Fairly low key. Still got an alright workout in, and made progress on the homework front. The soreness from race day is pretty much all gone.

 

Laundry still needs to get done, but Zane said he would take care of that when he got home if I put money on the laundry card. I don’t go into work until 5pm today, so I might do it myself, using the machines here at the complex instead of going to a Laundromat. I’m not sure yet. I’m going to finish my coffee before making any solid plans.

 

It looks like a nice day outside. Lots of sun. I’m not sure how cold it is, but the wind hasn’t picked up yet, so maybe it will be a fairly warm day. That would be nice. I could use some summer vibes right now.

 

Zane snipped at me this morning but I know it was grouchy-ness and he’s already apologized for it. He feels worse today than he did on Tuesday. I hope he’s not getting sick. I hope it’s from maybe not sleeping well. We haven’t talked much this morning, so I’m not sure. He might stay home tomorrow if he can. Yay sick time. I know a bunch of people at his work have been out due to being sick. Maybe it’s his turn.

 

I haven’t gone back to the dojo yet. I had planned to do that Monday but was still too sore from my race. So that’s been pushed back a week. Or maybe I’ll go Saturday and train with Juan and Beata. It would be fantastic if my first class back was with them. We’ll see.

 

That’s pretty much it though. Nothing super crazy. Just a lax day with an unsettling dream.

 

I think the owl was Athena, which is a very disturbing thought. Athena was dying, suffering. I don’t want that.

Musing Moment 0080: Unstuck?

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So I might be unstuck… I’m not sure yet.

 

I think I need to give myself a break. I think I need to stop beating myself up over not having a major goal right now. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I am not going to be making a career change at the moment, so I think I should stop stressing over not having a career goal.

 

I think I should actually be giving myself credit for continuing to work on my degree. That’s going to take a lot of my time. I don’t think I should worry about having a job, and doing school, and doing a personal project, and possibly free lance, and making sure to have the laundry done and dinner cooked.

 

You know, I think I can take away the personal / career project aspect of my life and still make a pretty good argument for being busy and not wasting my time. Especially when right now I haven’t figured out the direction I want to go after this new degree. I’m still tossing the idea of the Army around inside of my head. Enlisted more than officer since that would be roughly a four year contract rather than six or more. But again, until this next year and a half is over, it’s just speculation and day dreaming, and that’s well and good, but it’s going to make me want things to be different and for the time being they’re not going to be different.

 

I think I would be happier focusing my energy somewhere else rather than worrying about things that aren’t important yet.

 

Ok, so if I’m scratching work off of the list for goals right now, what does that leave me with?

 

I want my Warrior Dash to be a goal still.

 

I realized this last night. I haven’t completed it yet. It’s still important to me, and by not including or counting it as a goal I’m devaluing all of the work I am doing to achieve it.

 

If it doesn’t count as a goal then why am I working so hard for it? If it’s not an achievement then why do it at all?

 

It is an achievement to me. It is something that I’m going to be proud of once I cross the finish line. I’m going to post pictures all over Facebook and I’m going to blog about it. And I’m going to talk about it to anyone who will listen because it’s going to be a big movement for me.

 

I don’t care if it’s inevitable, and that the night of Feburary 5th I know I’m going to sleep like crap because I’m going to be so excited and nervous, because I know I’m not going to back down. It may not be a “crazy impossible” goal anymore, but it’s still a goal, and at the moment, for the next 30 days, it’s my main focus. Really my only focus.

 

And I think that’s how most of this year is going to go. Instead of having several goals going at once like I normally do, it seems that a lot of my goals are going to be linear.

 

First will be my race. Training for it, and then actually completing it. Once that is done I will return to my dojo. That following Monday actually is when I plan to return.

 

By the end of the month I want to complete my Kyu 6 test for aikido and begin working on my belts in ernest. I will try to advance through all of the ranks until by the end of the year I am Dan 1.

 

Through all of that I will be paying down the credit card. I realized that though I will have the card extremely low by the end of February, due to needing to buy things for the apartment once John and Trevor leave, the amount is going to go back up again. So it most likely won’t be paid off completely until about halfway through the year. Which I’m fine with, but since I’m not going to be focusing on career or income related goals, trying to pay both the card off and my car loan is pretty unrealistic and sort of setting myself up for failure, which is unfair.

 

So, realistic goal, pay off the credit card, for real this time.

 

I also want to do a second Warrior Dash some time this year. I believe there is a race in North Carolina in June, which is still fairly close to me, but there are other places like Texas which could have races and would let me, potentially, visit friends I haven’t seen in a while.

 

I could participate in a color run race, or try biking. Not really to win, but just to do it. Because I think they would be fun. I don’t think I want to have any goals with the Lance Orlando fighting. I think I would rather focus on aikido this year. That and school.

 

Those will be my main goals and along the way I will reestablish the habits I have let slip. The reading a book each month. I want to continue to cross stitch for pleasure rather than trying to turn it into a profitable hobby. I know my stress level is going to go up starting next week with the return to school and having homework to worry about again.

 

I’m going to need to care for myself so I don’t get burnt out like I did before.

 

There’s been good news in regards to the apartment situation, and the past few days have been pretty awesome even though I haven’t really written about any of the events that have happened. I’m sure I will later tonight, but I wanted to type all of this out while I had the time to do it and the thoughts in my head.

 

I may be “stuck” in Florida for now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have other things that are important to me. And just because I don’t have nine million things I’m trying to get done doesn’t mean I’m a slacker or letting anyone down.

 

School is going to be intense on its own. I need to give myself more credit than I do for working on my degree. I also need to put more time into my assignments than I normally do.

 

So school, racing / becoming a better, fitter me, Dan 1 in aikido, and annihilate the credit card debt. Pretty linear like I said. One domino after the other. One class at a time, one rank at a time, one payment at a time I’ll move forward on all of these things. Each month a slow progression to a larger, bigger destination.

 

I suppose it helps that it is winter. It’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to regroup. It’s ok to not always be busy or have irons in the fire. It’s ok to sit and not be defined by what project I’m working on.

 

I think realizing that helped. I am more than my goals, and I think for a little bit I forgot that. Goals are important and they give us direction, but they’re not everything and just like with friends, it’s about quality not quantity.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons Winter is hard for me. Maybe I’m not good at sitting still and this is something I should work on. For all that I’m about inner peace and mindfulness maybe I am still missing the big picture. It’s not about being busy. Just like with writing, how it’s ok to not write and how silence is just as important if not more so. Stillness is just as important as action.

 

Stillness is where we prepare.

 

 

Daily Post 052: The Weekend

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This morning is dreary, cloudy. My toes are a little chilled, but not as bad as they could be. At the moment the day matches how I feel, or maybe it’s I who matches the day.

 

Low. Slow. Going back to sleep might be nice but I really don’t have interest in doing that. I don’t feel like I have much interest at all at the moment, and maybe that’s because I’m still working on my cup of coffee. Why does caffeine take so long to kick in sometimes? ;-;

 

It just sucks. I feel like it would be easier to want to do things if there was some sunshine. Something to help me get going. But there’s not so it’s taking a while for my motivation to start up.

 

This is where I’m at currently…

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Saturday was a super busy day. I woke up, had something quick to eat, then loaded the car up with everything I needed for the day. It took two trips on my own to get everything out there. I went to the laundry mat I normally go to, but they were doing work on the parking lot, repaving it. Even though the businesses were still open I decided to go to a different place instead. Tripping over wires and lots of people I didn’t know didn’t seem the best way to start the day.

 

I ended up going to the laundry mat that John goes to instead. I didn’t know it was open 24 hours. That’s kind of cool. The machines are also cheaper than the ones at our apartment now that they’ve raised the rates. I may be going there to do laundry from now on. Especially since some of the machines here still don’t switch to cold water, and I’m not about to risk messing up all of the workout stuff that I just dropped a billion dollars on.

 

Which, I’ve come to a peaceful resolution in regards to having spent all of the money that I have recently.

 

First off, it’s out of my system. I have no urge at all to spend on anything else because I really don’t want anything else. I’m back to being content with what I have, and happy that the things I do have are practical, functional things rather than stuff that’s going to collect dust.

 

Second, I think of all of it as gear, battle armor. I need this to help me train for my race and to get ready for the military, if I actually do finally decide to go that route. I’m not going to let myself feel bad for buying quality armor to help me win the battles I want to fight. I’m not going to feel bad for replacing stuff I should have replaced years ago. I am content with my investment. Should I have used the card? I don’t know. There are different schools of thought for that.

 

My school of thought; it’s helping me move forward on goals I want to achieve. It’s keeping me motivated and feeling good. It helps me feel like it’s worth going to work because there’s a pay off for me, not just my debt. I’m able to have thing I want, not just things I need. I’m not going to allow myself to feel bad about investing in myself and the things I care about. I’m worth it. End of story.

 

I didn’t sacrifice any of my other financial obligations. I still paid all of my bills on time. Even over paid on the card still. The only thing I sacrificed was how quickly I am going to reach the goal for paying the card off. I’m not going to be able to get it done by the end of the year like I wanted anyway, so waiting an extra month or so to be done with it isn’t going to kill me. It’s a choice I made and I’m ok with that choice.

 

Thirdly. December is my birth month. Plus there’s Christmas though Christmas isn’t a big deal for me. I’m not going to be buying anything for myself because I don’t want anything else. All of this stuff, the new pants, the new running shoes, the bike helmet and light… All of the money I’ve recently spent on myself, that was my birthday and Christmas and all of rewards for the certification and everything else that I needed to give myself a pat on the back for.

 

The only other things I might get are new panties. And those are more of a necessity rather than a reward. Maybe… maybe, new headphones. I doubt it though.

 

Anywho… Yeah. I’m ok with the money thing. I love all of my things. The compression pants worked amazing on the cold night I biked home. I love the Lucy tops and the over shirts I got. The new bandanas are great and I’ve gotten compliments about them. I gush over my new running shoes anytime someone mentions them. The thicker sole works great for biking and running. The new armband does fantastic at the gym. Everything has worked out exactly as I wanted it to, and I don’t feel like I have wasted a single penny on any of the purchases.

 

It was a lot. But I’m worth it, and February, when I do amazing in my race, will prove that none of this was a waste.

 

Going back to the recap of my Saturday… I worked on the character sheets while the clothes washed and dried. The laundry mat didn’t seem to have wi-fi so I couldn’t send images to Zane, but I was content with my work and sat for about 10 minutes before the clothes finished drying listening to music.

 

After the laundry was done I went to the gym. They are doing a food drive so I was able to donate all of the nonsense form the pantry that no one is using. Huzzah!

 

I ran, did a round on the machines, and wrapped up with yoga. I showered there, changing into fresh clothes, then headed out to my car.

 

I messaged Nicole before going anywhere to make sure we were still good for lunch. She said yes, but that she might be a bit late. That was fine. I told her if I was early I would cross stitch while waiting for her.

 

With those plans confirmed I drove over to Dick’s Sporting Goods to see about exchanging two of the gray compression pants for black ones. The cashier I had was super nice. She offered for me to see if there were any pants in my size to exchange at the store, otherwise she would refund me the cost. The store only had one set, but I figured I could reorder the second one online when I got home. She refunded me my purchase to a gift card, so I’ll be using that to pay once I actually do it.

 

With that as done as it could be I went to school where I set up my laptop. I messaged Zane the images of the character sheet so he could approve them. I logged my workouts. I got caught up on my personal email and wrote a lengthy response to a blog I found. By then it was time to meet up with Nicole.

 

We had a fantastic lunch where we chatted for about an hour and a half. I had a southwestern chicken mex bowl thing… it was amazing. So much so that I looked up a recipe for southwestern salads, which is one of the meals I’ll be doing this week.

 

Once Nicole and I parted ways I went back to school. I finished working on the commission for Marcus and sent him over images for approval. He loved it and gave me the green light to move on to phase two, which is making the actual pattern and figuring out the colors. We’ve already talked about the base color pallet so I feel like this part of the process will move fairly quickly once I actually begin work on it. That’s the main goal for today.

 

I was going to donate my old clothes to Salvation Army, and mentioned to Zane I was going to do that before heading home since I was pretty much done for the day. He mentioned going to Goodwill would be the better option since Salvation Army donates to anti-LBTG groups.

 

I don’t mind donating my clothes else where, Goodwill is super out of the way though, so I didn’t want to drive all the way out there unless there was another thing on my to-do list I could cross off while taking care of the clothes. Since there wasn’t the clothes are still sitting in the trunk of my car. At some point I will take care of them. Most likely won’t be this week though. I might put them in the re-use section of the storage unit since I want to go there this weekend for a few things.

 

Zane loved the character sheet. Ok, maybe love is a bit too strong of a word, but he liked it. Pretty sure I forgot to mention that.

 

Hannah came over Saturday evening. I ended up taking a nap when I got home since I was tired from being up so early and out and about for so long. When she came over we went out to the sports bar so we all could eat, then came back to the apartment and watched Spirited Away.

 

We chatted a bit about her possibly moving in once John and Trevor move out. It would lower the rent she is currently paying, she would be in a cat friendly environment, closer to school, and wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of finding a new roommate for six months since she graduates soon.

 

I’m not sure if she will move in, but I would be ok with it if she did. Saturday night helped us mesh a bit more. I think she looks at Zane and I as mentors for adulting… that’s a scary thought…

 

So that was Saturday. Social. Productive. Good.

 

One of the things I saw on Saturday as a post on Facebook from a few friends about a stage fighting group. Like, renaissance sword fighting. Sort of like larping, but not.

 

It looked so cool and fun. And I saw that the group had a meeting scheduled for Sunday. I messaged one of my friends who was listed as “going” to the event to make sure she would actually be there. She said she would, so spur of the moment I made plans to go.

 

That meant Sunday I had to wake up pretty early to get all of the chores done. Zane and I meal planned a bit when I woke up. He was sort of grouchy though, so as soon as we were done I left him alone to sleep. I showered, dressed, then headed out to the produce store since the Internet said they opened at 8.

 

Wrong.

 

On Sunday they open at 9, Google. Thanks for messing up my morning.

 

It actually wasn’t that bad. Instead of starting at the produce store I went across the street to Publix to do the other portion of the grocery shopping. It was pretty expensive compared to what Zane and I have been spending on grocery.

 

I needed to stock some stuff for my stash at school, so that meant a case of water, tuna lunches, shakes, and protein bars. I needed a new bottle of multi-vitamins, along with all of the stuff to make my homemade almond bars. Those have been an amazing snack to have when I get back to work from the gym, so I want to keep a supply of them handy.

 

I was actually pretty happy it was my turn to get groceries since a lot of the stuff was specifically for me. With that done I had enough time to come home and put the food away and sit for a bit. I hate it when you get weird pockets of time like that. Too much time to do nothing, but not enough time to do much of anything… So frustrating.

 

I used it to have coffee, since I was out of creamer when I woke up, and poked around online for a bit.

 

Eventually it was time to get going to make it to the stage fighting meeting on time. I was worried about getting lost, but I found the park easy enough. Now that I’ve been there it’s super easy to find. I got there before my friend did which made me a little added to my nervousness. I didn’t know anyone else. But there weren’t a ton of people at this meet, and all of them were super nice.

 

I had to fill out paper work saying I wouldn’t sue anyone if I died. Yay legal stuff. We did some stretching which my body was totally ok with. They had planned to record during this meet and since some people were missing that meant there wasn’t really anyone to pair off with me and start my training. But that didn’t phase me. I enjoyed being able to sit and watch. I actually helped my friend and another girl write out a new fight.

 

It was so cool. They were using staves, which is a lot like the jo in akido. As they were going through moves and figuring out what they wanted to do I was able to make suggestions and there were two places where they were stuck, not sure where to go from where they were at and I was able to help give them ideas based on what I would have done if I were in their situation.

 

So much fun! I can’t wait to actually be part of it and writing out my own fight sequences. I guess the group does performances at different events. Next weekend they are doing auditions for an event that is coming up, so I most likely won’t be able to start training then either, but I still plan to go and watch for a few hours. Another slow introduction day sort of a thing.

 

My hands physically ached to hold one of the staves and I could feel my body mentally going through Fey’s motions as she was “fighting” with Marissa.

 

One huge plus is that this is free. No membership fee, no sort of charge at all. The provide the props too. The most I would have to buy are a pair of gardening gloves.

 

It’s outside in a gorgeous park, and it’s physical, moving, interacting. I could feel the energy between Marissa and Fey as they were practicing their routine. I can’t wait. I feel like it’s going to be a lot of fun. And since they meet on Saturday / Sunday I ought to be able to go to most of the meetings, even when I start going back to aikido in the new year.

 

They also do “garb day” which is where you dress up in your renaissance gear, if you have it. It’s not required for the practices, but I’m pretty sure some sort of costume is needed for the performances. I’m not sure if those are provide or if you are expected to have your own, but at the moment I don’t care. It just seems super fun and I’m not worried about preforming, just participating at the moment.

 

 

Fey was totally decked out in her gear. Makeup and all. She was a Christmas elf, with red pants, white fur covering her boots, a long sleeve green top with a leather vest over it. She had a staff as her main weapon but also a few daggers. She had white contacts in, with super dark red hair. She looked fantastic.

 

Zane is interested in going with me, but I’m glad he didn’t go this first time. I think it wouldn’t have been a good introduction for him. While I liked sitting and observing, being on the outside and slowly taking everything in, I know he would have gotten bored with not having anything to do. He would have wanted to jump straight in and do things. So he’s not going to be going with me to the second meeting either, the one with the auditions, but he is interested in going with me when the actual training begins.

 

The meetings are scheduled 10am to 2pm, but I only stayed until 12. It felt like a good time to leave. I was already getting hungry at that point. Zane and I chatted when I got home, even cuddling for a bit. I was tired. So much social…

 

We went out for sushi since we hadn’t had a date where it was just us. It was very low key which I liked. Hannah was supposed to work, but I guess her hours got cut so she wasn’t there. I feel like I should mention that going out for sushi was my idea and not Zane’s.

 

When we came back to the apartment I laid on the couch with Zane as he played Fallout. I slept for a bit before moving to the room where I slept longer. I woke up around 5pm which is when I went back out to finish the grocery shopping.

 

We need a few more things, like lunch bags, which I didn’t realize until I got home and wanted to divide up the meat. I may try to go to the Publix for it today before going to the gym. Get a few extra miles into my day. But I’m not sure yet. Still sort of low key.

 

I spend half as much at the produce store as I did at Publix. I’m right at where I wanted to be for the food budget though. So while it’s more than what we have been spending, it’s still within the range we set, so we’re good.

 

I didn’t do much with the food other than put it away. I went back to the room with Scarlet and slept more. Last night was Trevor’s Pathfinder game, which I’ve actually backed out of. I’ll keep playing in Uke’s game, but there was no way I could have make it through last night’s game with how burned out on social time I was. I’m still sort of feeling that burnout today which might be another reason being motivated is hard.

 

I woke up again and came out of the room for water. At that point everyone was ready for food. We ordered pizza, which I paid for with the card and everyone chipped in a bit of money towards the total. It was more than I wanted to spend, but at least there was help in covering the cost, and I didn’t have to worry about the kitchen being a mess or full of dirty dishes later.

 

Zane stayed up pretty late. At the moment we’re not really fighting, but we’re a bit disconnected, another factor into the lack of energy I’m sure. But we’ve been talking since I woke up and things are going better.

 

I feel better for having written even though it wasn’t about anything of any real importance. I don’t think today is going to be all that crazy productive. It’s already noon. I’ll most likely head out around 2 or 3 so I can get to the gym. I’m going to stick with two minute intervals for running today, but I’m going to increase how many of them I do, so I’ll be getting more time and distance in. I think that’s a good compromise. Next week I can increase the interval duration.

 

Anyway. I’m sort of bored with writing. The sun has finally come out. I think I’m going to go outside and finish my coffee in the sunlight and hope that whatever part of me that’s a dragon wakes up enough to actually do stuff today.

 

 

Musing Moment 0062: Catching Up

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I feel sort of lame. I’m already like five days behind on this challenge. Off to a great start… But I’m going to try to keep pushing forward with it.

Day 3 – Goals

Day three is when you pick 10 goals you want to work on. Sadly I think this is the first time where I can’t really think of any. Maybe it’s because I’m still floundering in a lot of the areas of my life. This is what I came up with though.

Create a new rigging demo reel
in the next six months.

I want to create a new reel. One that isn’t full of my student work. I want to find projects that actually inspire me to use my skills and improve my talents instead of freelance projects that are frustrating and unfulfilling. Maybe actually working on projects I’m invested in will help to spark my interest in my field once again and help combat the burnout I’m experiencing.

Get gauntlet and grieve tattoos
in next six months.

I’m tired of not having my tattoos, which is something I’ve complained about on and off since the beginning of this blog. I will not compromise on these any longer. In the next six months I will obtain this marks because I deserve to have them. I have met all of the goals for them and I am doing a disserve to myself by denying my right to have them.

Rebrand professional website
in the next nine months.

Along the same lines as creating a new reel, updating my branding could help revive my passion for my work. Cleaning up my professional website, possibly even creating my own rather than using Wix could help give me purpose and drive, along with a sense of accomplishment for actually creating something.

Run a Warrior Dash
in the next nine months.

I have always thought of doing this. Training for a Warrior Dash would line up with my health goals, and again, give me something to be motivated for. Completing or even attempting a Warrior Dash will show me that I have actually made progress in this area of my life. When I graduated high school there was no way I could have participated in something like this. Even now, I know I wouldn’t fair every well. But with training and dedication there’s no reason I couldn’t. This is something I want for myself.

Reach a size 14
by next December.

Numbers really do not matter to me. My goal is to be healthy, but I feel this is a realistic number that I can reach in my overarching goal for better health. It will be the smallest I can remember being in my adult life.

Become a black belt in Aikido
by next December.

This will be an ambitious goal, especially with how I am currently not practicing. I feel I could reach this goal, however. I want to attempt it. I want to go back to my dojo. I want the peace I found in practicing. I want to prove to myself that I can still learn new skills and grow. I want to reach the first level of Dan so I can push even further.

Become a black belt in Taekwondo
by next December.

This follows the goal for Aikido. I enjoy this style of martial arts. I like the difference I feel compared to Aikido. I want to reach a black belt in this form to prove to myself that I can.

Pay off the car loan and
Bank of America card by next December.

I don’t know how I can do this one. Especially right now, from where I’m at, which feels trapped and tied down. There are so many ways I could though. I could actually do the Fredinator contract so I get revenue from my YouTube channel. I could create scripts to sell. I could take on the Metaverse form moderator position. I have avenues I could pursue to actually accomplish this ambitious, almost outrageous, goal. I could begin taking on freelance projects for my design degree. I need to find the avenue that would give me fulfillment so the time and effort put towards this goal will seem worth it.

Complete quilt for Jace
by next January.

My nephew is growing up so fast. It makes me realize how much I’m not doing with my life currently. How I’m thrashing and struggling, but against myself, and hurting only myself in the process. His birthday is in January. I don’t have the time to start and finish a full quilt by the time his birthday comes around, but I do want to complete a quilt for him by his next birthday. It was something I told my mom I wanted to do for Jace when he was born and I feel if I actually began work on this project AND completed it that I would feel accomplished. I feel I would have given Jace something meaningful, something of myself.

Day 4 – Push Goal

So out of all the things I listed there’s a main goal, a push goal, which will make the other ones easier to accomplish. By working towards it, I’m also working towards other objectives and so there’s a bit of a domino affect.

I believe my push goal, at least at the moment, would be to train for my Warrior Dash. By training for it I would not only be working towards my goal of running the race, but I could incorporate training for my aikido and taekwondo goals into it as well, and all of those goals push me close to my goal of being healthier.

Which, honestly, I think those goals will make me happier than my other ones. I want to focus on my self. I want to be selfish and indulge in my shadow traits and take time for me, to make me better, stronger. Training would give me alone time. It would give me space. It would be working me towards where I’ve wanted to be for a while now.

I want to shut out my career which is full of expectations from other people. Outside voices and noise. I want to shut out school, social, and life in general. I want to lose myself in myself and when I reemerge I will come out transformed. A better me.

Thinking about these goals, reaching them, makes me feel calmer, motivated. It makes me want to go out and do things. It makes me feel like there’s a reason to get up.

Day 5 – Important Person Promise

I’m supposed to promise important people in my life that I’m going to reach my goals, but you know what? I’m not going to promise anyone this time. This isn’t an obligation. This isn’t for other people so they can have the power to make me feel bad or like I’ve disappointed them.

This is for me, because I want to feel better. This is for me to prove that I can as long as I stop standing in my own way.

Day 6 – The To-Do List

I’ve gotten slack with this. I don’t make my lists in a consistent place or time. I just hope and pray that I am able to get to it before my day goes into chaos.

No longer.

I will write my blog EVERY NIGHT before going to sleep. I will make sure I have time to do it, before I get too tired. I will go back to having a cup of tea every night, and as I drink my tea I will write my blog and before going to sleep I will write my to-do list for the coming day. I will see what time restraints I have, and figure out what I want to get taken care of in the windows of time I have. I will make sure there is always time for my training. I will make sure I provide myself enough time to recharge. I will limit the social obligations I give myself because right now socializing isn’t my priority.

Training and recharging through activities such as cross stitching my nephew’s quilt are both things that will help me improve my emotional health and help me get closer to the goals I am currently focusing on.

Day 7 – The Brain Dump

Currently I’m on day seven, but I don’t feel like I can finish this task before the end of work, and really I would rather be at home when I do this section any way. So I will save it for now and do an additional post for it later.

Aside from figuring out my goals, I feel this is the most important thing to complete. Figuring out my life, the tasks and loose ends that need to be taken care of so I feel like I’m on top of things again rather than drowning in all of my incomplete “obligations”. This is where I clean house and figure out where I am, and give myself a battle plan for getting back in control.

So yeah, I need more than 10 minutes for this. I’m happy with all of the progress I have made so far, though. I’m feeling like I have direction again.

Musing Moments 0040: Things That Should Be Said

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There are a few topics that I need to work through at the moment. They’ll each get their own section, so hopefully I don’t tangent all over the place. That being said, I do expect this to be a bit of a winding, long, TLDR post.

Faith

I feel I have strayed from my journey. The very beginning of my blog, the first post, was the day I shaved my head. It was the start. It was where I dedicated myself to myself, and proclaimed that I would focus on improvement.

I would focus on my health, my faith, my emotional and spiritual well-being. I would work on me and my insecurities. I would solidify the direction I was headed in life.

I gave Freya my word that I would honor her through my actions. Through honoring myself and what I had / have been given I would in turn bring her honor. I decided to explore Buddhism, and to try to reach higher levels of enlightenment.

I feel I have strayed from this path. I feel while it is important to ‘go with the flow’ that at the moment I am in a storm of my own creation. I am being tossed about by angry waves and that I am not on the course I had originally intended for myself.

I have yet to finish Buddhism Plan and Simple, which I started months ago. I have not been diligent with the gym, running, or yoga, which is a form of worship for me. I have let my eating habits slip, which is dishonoring my body, which in turn dishonors my goddess.

Little transgressions, small cuts, which I feel are building to bleed me out. I am wounding this area of my life and it is causing discord. I need to acknowledge my actions and actively work to correct them rather than continuing to do things I know taking me away from where I want to go; away from my goddess.

I am a warrior. I will overcome any foe, including my own mentalities. I will not hold myself back. I will persevere and be victorious. I will reach my goals and I will return to the inner peace I know I am capable of feeling.

Relationships

I feel like John, my younger brother, and I are drifting apart. It’s hard for us to line up our schedules, what with mine always being screwy and him being in Germany. I feel his absence. He may be taking leave to visit soon. The only thing to really do is acknowledge these emotions, accept them within myself. I miss him, and will continue to miss him.

My mom is getting ready to move to Las Vegas to be closer to my older bother, sister in law, and my nephew. She will no longer be a six hour drive from me. I haven’t come to terms with this yet. It’s not real in my head.

I know this is going to be hard for me, for both of us. My mom and I are extremely close. I know I’m going to experience feelings of abandonment. It will be one more reason for me to leave Florida; to be closer with my family. Since this has yet to happen, again, there’s not much else to do other than to acknowledge the feelings and to move on.

I am more settled about the feelings with my dad. Father’s Day was hard, not as hard so it is for some. But knowing that does not diminish or make my own feelings less valid.

He didn’t reach out to me, and I didn’t reach out to him. There’s not much else to say. Things are as they were. Each year it gets easier. Not by much, but I accept that we are different people. We can’t have what we did when I was a child because I am no longer a child. He has two other daughters. He has another wife. He himself is a different person. The past is where it belongs, in the past, and while I miss the relationship we had, some relationships are meant to end. I feel this is one of the ones in my life that I need to truly let go of.

Ex. I dislike this term so much. I dislike thinking of my relationships, any relationship, has ‘failed’. I dislike how some of the relationships in my past are with people whom I can no longer talk to. I dislike that things turned out so badly that something I though was positive, lasting, turned into something corrosive, corrupted. Poisoned to the point that even the friendship I thought was there could no longer be salvaged.

I miss Mother Earth, Sammie, my other half. As her wedding draws closer I feel smaller and more frail in this area. I want to be able to hug her. I want to be able to see her and Josh. I want for us to pile into the truck together to go grocery shopping. I want us to share ice cream, or go to Denny’s. I want to bake zucchini fries using the fry cutter she gave me. I want to make the zucchini brownies she loved so much. I want to say I’m sorry. I want her to hold me while I cry. I want things between us to be ok, because I feel like they aren’t still.

And maybe that’s all inside of my head. I feel no matter what that it is selfish of me. I feel like the lapse in communication was on my part, that though a relationship takes two people, that I was the one in the wrong.

I should have asked or been more up front about meeting people. I should have considered how Mother Earth would feel finding out about Zane through my blog rather than through a phone call, or even a Facebook message. It wasn’t fair to her. She deserved better, and there’s nothing I can do to go back and change how I chose to handle the situation.

The only way to mend this is by reaching out. This is a relationship I do not want to lose. I feel this is a relationship worth fighting for. I will try to mend the trust I broke. I will do my best to try to right the wrong, the hurt, I have caused, and in the end I feel that is all I can do. My best.

RB. I miss him as well. I ache to know he is ok. I hope he is healing. I hope he is moving forward and finding himself. I hope he forgives me for my anger. I hope he understands why all of the situation bothered me so much. I hope he still thinks fondly of me. I hope he finds happiness.

I don’t think we would be able to have a friendship. I don’t think either of us would be able to separate from our past to have a dynamic going forward. Or maybe it is simply I who would have the problem. Maybe that is why I cannot reach out on my own to get the answers to my questions.

I have yet to figure out what to do in this regard. I am not ready to let go completely, and I’m sorry I’m not. I’m sorry we hurt each other and that those wounds haven’t healed fully for me.

Zane. He’s new in the fabric of my life, and yet we mesh so well it seems like he’s always been there. His unbiased and detached nature makes me feel open and safe with him. There are emotions involved, and yet we recognizes that it is for the here and now, however long that may be.

There’s not the pressure of forever. There’s not the pressure of being the one and only. There’s not the burden of being perfect. There are all of these things that aren’t present and it is freeing for me.

I can be myself. I can focus on me. I can go about my day as I please. I choose to be present. Maybe it is reverse psychology, but because I have the choice of what I do, I am more willing to give.

I feel he is helping me heal in ways that I couldn’t on my own, and I am grateful for that. I appreciate his time, I appreciate when he offers to do things for me. I am becoming aware of when I pull away from people and when I shut down. I am learning how to communicate through my fear.

We may not last. Our paths may diverge and I accept that. He gives me a connection to the here and now. To Florida. He gives me the companionship and affection I was withering without. And for that I am grateful. I am happy for what I have with him.

I don’t think there is much more to say for this dynamic. It will continue to grow and evolve and develop, and wherever it goes is where it is meant to be.

Brad. You’re new, too. The newest. Only a handful of days but you’re inside my brain. We are able to connect on a deep spiritual level and I find that fascinating. In so many ways you are like Zane, and yet not.

I have my Earth with Zane. My groundedness, my connection. With you I feel like I have Fire. I do not like comparing companions. Everyone is different, unique. Everyone has their own story, and I am enjoying listening to yours. I’m enjoying sharing mine. I am enjoying conversing with you, and there is a part of me that is glad you live just far enough away that we haven’t met in person yet. I like how even though there is an attraction that it is still just a mental connection so far.

I feel this is at the very least a friendship that will stand the test of time. As silly as it may sound I know you understand. INFJ meet INFP. Our thought processes are so similar, and we both have the NiFe that is so misunderstood by the other 97% of the population. I know I don’t have to worry about sounding crazy when I talk about vibes or energies, or how my intuition has never led me wrong.

You are already a confidant simply because of that intuition. You are part of my clan, my inner circle. Sorry, not sorry. : p

Thank you for your trust and understanding. Thank you for giving me your acceptance so readily. I look forward to where our conversations go, and no matter where that ends up, know that I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish you peace and a full life.

Ari. I hope we can move past where we are. I hope one day I can feel comfortable being alone with you again. I hope one day that I will be able to explain why I am uncomfortable around you right now and why I don’t want to hang out or go on dates and outings. Why I avoid them and always seem to have an excuse.

I feel I am not being fair to you. You say our friendship matters more than your desire for a relationship, but I don’t feel that from our interactions. I don’t feel that from your energy. I still feel as if you need to focus on you rather than external forces.

I feel you are where I used to be. You need to heal. You need to love yourself and until that happens you will always find your interactions lacking. They will always fall short of fulfilling you because true happiness can only come from yourself.

I will always love you and as with everyone else, I will only wish the best for you. I cannot give you want you are seeking. Only you can do that, and until you accept that I feel the need to distance myself from you. You must learn to stand on your own, and when you do you will be a force, a light that will shine so brightly, so radiantly. I look forward to seeing that day.

Health

I have touched on this mildly already with my concerns about faith.

Due to my schedule with work this coming month I have decided to cancel my dojo membership. I am saddened to feel this is the best choice, but I cannot justify $95 when I will never be able to go to the classes; when I cannot train.

I have not given up on aikido or taekwondo. I plan to return. I feel it is something I am meant to do at my core. I still want to teach aikido as my long-term goal, my calling. A peaceful warrior.

Because I budget $95 for my dojo fees I plan to transfer this money into the gym since I will be more readily able to go there. I will look into having a personal trainer for this coming month. I will continue to be diligent in my running and becoming more comfortable in the new gym.

I feel this lines up with my health goals, and would be a good investment of the unused membership money.

If it does not work out that I can afford a trainer I will then instead use the money to continue paying down the Bank of America card so I can be done with that task faster.

Until I talk to a trainer at the gym this is the best I can do. Creating a battle plan and a back up plan. We will see what happens.

As far as food and returning to eating clean, Zane is supportive, which will make it easier. We already have returned to meal planning. The only thing to do further with this is to continue on the path.

We choose healthy meals, we have healthy snacks. With the move over and the return to a ‘normal’ schedule the need / desire to eat out is less. While I am used to cooking all of my meals it is working well to share the task of cooking with the other members of the apartment. It is not a task that I need to worry about. I can cook on days where it is convenient for me to do so, and the other days the task is delegated to someone else who can more easily handle the responsibility.

We’re a family of sorts, and we help each other. It is a feeling that I had when I lived with Mother Earth, and I am glad to have found it again. I am glad that one of my biggest concerns, food, is no longer something that requires so much of my focus.

As I said, I feel I am back on the path I was on in this regard. All that’s left is to keep moving forward.

School, Work, and the Burn Out of Both

Why am I not motivated to do my school work?

Honestly, because I’m burnt out. With school, and with work, and that’s slowly bleeding over into life.

This past month wasn’t fun. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It was hard going to sleep around 3am, when I naturally become tired, only to wake up at 4:30 for work. I am not a morning person. I’m not going to pretend or try to be anymore.

It didn’t work, and it won’t work next time. I spent all month feeling tired and drained, unmotivated to do the things I needed or wanted to do because the need for sleep outweighed everything else.

I’m tired of being placed in labs where I am not competent. Aiding Shading and Lighting was supposed to be temporary. All of us as lab specialist keep being promised that things will get better, but it has been a year, longer I believe, and nothing has changed.

I’m not ok with this.

I do not feel fulfilled with my work and that is bleeding into everything else. I am unsatisfied and instead of doing anything about it I have gone month to month letting this burn out continue.

I constantly write how if people do not like where they are at they should take action to change it.

I used to love my job. I want to love it again. I want to look forward to going to work as I once did. But that doesn’t change the fact that currently I don’t love it. That currently I do feel like I am wasting my life being unhappy. I do not feel my job is worthwhile any more and that bothers me because it has nothing to do with the students.

I feel unvalued as an employee. My complaints go unaddressed, the small things which could make the environment better get denied. Employe appreciation events are canceled.

So far nothing I have done on my own has eased over these negative feelings. Each month I have to compromise or give something up for my job. Each month I sacrifice to something that gives nothing in return. Each month is another month where I care a little less. Give a little less.

No more.

I should follow the advice I give. If life is too short to spend being unhappy, then I should change my situation so that I am living by the values and morals I honor.

I will be talking with Clavan to see if there are changes that can be made. I have a few ideas to discuss with him. If nothing can be done to help me feel more fulfilled then I will give myself three months to find another avenue which might correct this imbalance.

Three months to find a new job.

That is my deal with myself. Try to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, then move on.

The degree, the schooling, isn’t worth being miserable for. If I really wanted to I could teach myself the skills I am learning. In some ways I wonder if that would be easier. I wouldn’t have the stress of a job I don’t like which is where all of my demotivation is coming from.

It’s not that I don’t want to do the assignment, that’s that I’m having to put so much effort into combating my burn out that I have nothing left to give to school. And that’s on top of struggling with feeling like a competent artist.

I can’t build my self esteem when I have no energy to work with. When my reservers are already depleted.

The first step is to talk to Clavan. From there I will know what is possible. But having talked to Zane I see now that my work environment is a negative influence in my life at the moment; one that needs to be addressed and changed, one way or another.

Conclusion

There are a lot of things I am addressing at the moment. Writing about them has helped. I’m done with feeling stagnant. I’m done with feeling trapped and as if I’m in a rut. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing to change the things that bother me.

I will change the things I can, and let go of the things I can’t.

Ever forward.

Daily Post 0125: [Insert Title Here]

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Today has been pretty awesome. I got through two to-do lists. : D

I woke up and turned my alarm off with every intention to actually get up and make breakfast. Of course that meant I fell back asleep. Luckily I actually woke up with enough time to shower and get to school. I had a slightly rushed cup of coffee with heated leftovers rather than eggs, but hey. Food is food.

While I was at school I got around to actually posting my blog from last night. I got caught up on emails and blogs. I wrote a prompt post which I haven’t done in forever. I proof read a letter for Zane. I looked up the cost of a U-haul van verses a truck. I’m going to be moving my furniture on Sunday before the Pathfinder game so I want to be prepared for that.

I looked at classes again for LA Fitiness. With my new goals I’m going to be running Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, along with doing a yoga flow from yogadownload.com for stretching and strength.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are aikido fundamentals. Which leaves Saturday and Sunday open.

Well, on Saturdays the only classes are during times when I’m at work. So Saturdays are my new rest days, and Sundays I will be going to the gym for a yoga class. I think that will be a nice way to ease into the gym classes, and still meets my goal of doing an hour workout everyday with one rest day.

Once the lab was over I came home. Zane was still asleep which was fine. I woke him up to let him know I was back, and to see if he really wanted to sleep more. He did, which left me free to work on schoolwork.

I got through all of the reading and got a 100 on the quiz. I completed the discussion post, and went ahead and took a look at the exercise assignment. We have to make an event ticket this week, along with a book cover. Fun stuff.

Nicole wanted me to critique a rig she has been working on, so that took a bit of time. She’s working on an adorable dragon character, so she had a pretty nifty wing system, along with little head fins, and super expressive eyes.

There were a handful of things I told her to be careful about and to take a look at, long with some suggestions from my stance as an animator. Overall I think she’s on the right track with it.

I boiled eggs for tuna, and had lunch at some point. Zane woke up around 4, which is when I was tired enough to take a nap of my own. XD

I got up around 6:30, just in time to make it to aikido. Sensei Jan was there with Sensei Beata. I enjoyed the class today. I got there a little early so I was able to practice my rolls alone, and we focused mainly on the movements for the 6 kyu test. I may add practicing for my test into my run day routines. I’m not sure yet.

Zane started cooking dinner when I left. We had about two pounds of tripe in the freezer from when Nic was visiting a few weeks ago. We found a recipe online for Ginger Scallion Tripe Dim Sum Style. It was amazing flavor wise, but the tripe has an odd texture to it.

Both Zane and I agreed that more veggies would be awesome. And I think I would like it more if it had chicken or flank steak rather than the tripe. It was a really filling and tasty meal, though.

We served the broth over rice noodles. There’s plenty of leftovers, so we should be good until Friday when I can go grocery shopping. Not that we were going to starve or anything, but I like knowing there is food already made.

I didn’t get around to making the tuna, but that’s super easy to make and something I can do quickly tomorrow for lunch.

I got to cross stitch for a little bit after getting back from the dojo. Zane was watching Kingsmen, and I was sitting listening to it, sort of.

Right now I’m sitting at the kitchen table, alone, while he finishes the movie. The kitchen is cleaned, the dish washer is running. I’m showered and ready for a few hours of sleep before going to work.

I feel accomplished. The apartment is clean, I got most everything done today. I went to the gym, I stitched, I wrote, I worked on school work. I’ve done a little bit of everything that’s important to me, and I feel balanced and fulfilled as a result.

I think that I’m going to change my sleep routine a bit. Instead of trying to get all of my sleep before work it seems to be working better for me to take a nap, wake up for work, then come home and go back to sleep.

So, that’s the game plan right now. I’ll only be getting about 3 to 4 hours of sleep right now, but I’ll be able to survive knowing that when I get home I can sleep more. It will be like a power nap hopefully.

I plan to brainstorm and block out the ticket assignment while in lab, and possibly work on it more after I wake up. Tomorrow is a run / core / yoga day. But other than lab and the gym I don’t have much else planned.

Zane and I are going to watch The Holy Grail tomorrow while we have dinner, and I believe he wants to brainstorm a bit more about the game he and Trevor are making, so I have things to look forward to in my evening.

We’ll see how things go.

Daily Post 0121: The Start of Moving

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I was trying to understand why it felt like it has been so long since I last wrote. After looking at when I completed my last daily post I realized it had been super early on Tuesday morning, which meant it was still Monday in my head since I hadn’t gone to sleep yet.

So really it’s been a few days. And this past day and a half has been pretty busy.

I went to work yesterday morning, 5am, which meant I was awake at 4. The lab is pretty big so there were a lot of questions. All of them were pretty awesome, though, and everyone is pushing ahead on the assignment. It looks like it will be another good month student wise. Huzzah.

The class also opted to take their break at the beginning of class, which means instead of coming in at 5am lab would start at 5:40. Woo. Another score.

While we were on break Tuesday I went to the gas station to fill the car up and to get some Gatorades for the gym. I also picked Clavan up a Red Bull since he asked.

After lab I went to the gym and biked for 16 miles. My legs were pretty sore afterwards. I haven’t really given them a break this week, and I haven’t been stretching as much as I should.

After the gym I went to the storage unit place across from the apartment. I checked out a 5×10 unit, but that seems pretty small. Trevor has a few art desks that he would be putting in there. It also wasn’t climate controlled. Since he’s going to be putting chemical stuff in the unit I wasn’t sure if he had a preference.

I was glad that I went and checked it out though. Seeing the space really helped solidify what we’ll most likely need.

I’m thinking about not taking my futon with me in the move. Zane already has a bed. He actually is going to replace it with a queen size once his bike is up and running. So there’s really no place for my futon. I don’t want to move it again. And in all honesty, if I ever needed another bed I would most likely get a queen sized futon with the fluffier mattress. It would free up more space in the unit too, if I didn’t bring it with me.

I’m going to ask Jeremy if he wants to keep it. If not I will put it up on Craig’s list. I’m sure it would sell for $50 or $100.

I messaged Jeremy about the move, and how I would most likely be out either this weekend or next, depending on how soon the room can get cleared out for my stuff, and how soon we get the unit. I’m hoping for today in that regard.

Jeremy was super cool about it and said he hoped I enjoyed my stay. I replied back saying that I did, that he was awesome, and that he really helped get back on my feet financially.

I got a message from Ashley a little later saying she heard I was leaving, and hoped it wasn’t because of anything she said or did. I can’t lie, part of it is her, but I said it wasn’t because I didn’t want to make her feel bad or cause any issues with moving. I’m not going to stay so there’s not reason to start drama now. We didn’t mesh well, there’s nothing bad about that. It’s just how it worked, or in this case, didn’t work.

I think she knows she was part of my reasons, though.

I ended up not going to the dojo last night. I took a nap once I got back to the apartment for a bit, but was still super sore when I woke up. I worked on my assignments for the week instead, which was a little frustrating. I haven’t used Illustrator in a while, so I am having a hard time navigating around the program. There are things that I know you can do with shortcuts, but I can’t remember what the shortcuts are, so I end up ‘wasting’ time trying to remember them on my own, only to have to look them up online because I can’t get it right.

It would have been so much fast to just bit the bullet and go straight to the Internet. Too bad I’m too stubborn to admit defeat.

I got through one my school assignments fully, and made good progress through the second assignment before getting frustrated to the point of needing to step away from the screen.

I cooked a red chicken curry last night. Overall it was decent. I loved having a ton of veggies, and I loved that I cooked for everyone. There wasn’t a whole lot of rice though, so there wasn’t seconds, and the curry sauce was a little bland in my opinion, which is something the recipe reviews said might happen.

I plan to cook it again but with trying it with a few add-ins. It was a super easy recipe, and has potential. Some minor tweaks and I think it will be great.

I talked to my mom for about an hour yesterday evening as well. I told her about the move. She just laughed at me. I told her I was worried about her worrying about me, and that I hadn’t wanted to tell her, but that I knew I wouldn’t have been able to keep it a secret, nor did I want to lie to her.

She said it was more the fact that I was moving in with people she didn’t know that bothered her, but that I was an adult and had to make my own decisions.

It’s nice to know that she isn’t mad or resentful about me moving. She may not 100% support my choices, but she still loves me, and knowing that means a lot.

We talked about me bringing the rest of my stuff down to the storage unit. She’s been packing up everything for her move to Vegas. The house is about to go on the market, so she wants to be ready to go incase the house sells super fast.

Zane and I got through all of Archer Vice yesterday and started watching season six with Danielle and Trevor last night while we were eating. I love season six so much more. It’s a lot like the first seasons. You know… actually funny. So that was nice.

I ended up going to sleep after the second episode. I was tired and had to be up fairly early in the morning.

I woke up at 4:30, thirty minutes before my alarm. Zane had fallen asleep on the couch, so I woke him up. He asked if I was going to stay awake since I wanted to go to a class at the gym at 6.

I took stock of how I was feeling and said no. My muscles were too sore for strength training, and I needed more sleep still. So we both went back to sleep until I had to wake up at 8 for work.

I had an egg sandwich while I poked around online and drank my coffee. I had a nice, unrushed morning. The trip to work was short, and I feel pretty alright. Still sore and a little tired, but I think I can hold on to the day.

I’ve already finished my second assignment, so the last thing I want to get done with school for today is to do the brainstorming for the main project.

After work I’m going to go back to the house and pack up my bathroom stuffs along with a few other miscellaneous things like my skillets. I need to take measurements of my furniture so Zane and I can figure out how to arrange the room. I’m also going to stop by a different storage place to see their 7×10 units. They’re climate controlled so it will be a bit more expensive, but Trevor and I are ok with that.

Aside from that I’m going to aikido at 7 since it’s a fundamentals class, and will most likely stay for the open class as well since I didn’t go to the gym. I’m not sure what’s going on for dinner. I found a chicken recipe that looks good and already sent the link to Zane. It feeds six so there would be enough for everyone with leftovers.

Pretty sure he’s still asleep though, so we’ll most likely talk about it once I get back to the apartment. He works until 2am tonight, so I have time to figure that out.

Tomorrow is payday and the day I get to pay off my card completely. Totally can’t wait. It’s going to be fantastic. And since it’s Friday I’ll treat myself to my sports bar since I haven’t been there is almost two months.

Friday, in general, is going to be a crazy day. I have lab at 5:40, graduation at 11, a meeting at 3, and critiques at 5. Though I don’t think I’m going to run critiques this month. It would be easier for me to delegate that to Monica again. And I say delegate like running PCC critiques are part of my job description when they’re totally not.

It was nice not having to worry about that place last month, and right now it would be awesome if my Fridays weren’t 12-hour workdays. I would actually prefer to go to the open mat on Fridays at the dojo instead. Or go home to sleep since I know I’ll be tired by then.

I guess in short, it would be nice to not have that obligation for a little while.

Maybe that’s what I need right now; to focus on me a little more, and work a little less. So yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll let Monica keep championing the critiques for this month while I get the recharge I need and maybe next month I’ll take that project back, depending on how the schedule goes.

For now I suppose I should get back to my to-do list. I really don’t have much else to write about yet. I haven’t started re-reading my book, so I don’t have any writing for that yet, but it’s still on the list. Maybe I’ll add that to the list today. I’ll re-evaluate I where I’m at once I get back home. And by home I mean ‘home’ home, and it’s nice that I can say that again after eight months.

Daily Post 0120: Productive Day Was Productive

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It’s 11:50pm. I have to be awake at 4am for work. Blarg. Too bad that I’m not tired enough to sleep. I’m still pretty amped up from the dojo. I can feel my metabolism starting to spike, which means tons of energy, which means sleep is going to be annoying to come by for the next week or so while my body adjusts.

It’s been a pretty awesome day over all.

I woke up at 7:30. An hour before my alarm went off. I had my cup of coffee while checking my email. I looked over Rhonda’s resume and sent her some more feedback on it. It’s actually a pretty sexy resume… I mean… If you’re weird and into nerdy stuff like that… which I’m totally not…

*couch*

Moving on…

I didn’t have a change of workout cloths for the morning spin class, which I didn’t think would be an issue. I was pretty sure the current stuff I had at Zane’s apartment would be at least dry from taekwondo kicking my butt the night before.

But nope. My stuff was still damp, and was so not going back on my body.

So instead of going to the gym I went back to my place and did laundry. I also took care of Scarlet while I was there and did all of my reading for this week. I even took the quiz which I got a 90 on. I’m pretty sure I know which question I missed, too…

Why did I second guess myself? >.<; Arg.

So before noon I was already done with my school assignments that I wanted to get done for the day and laundry.

At 12 I packed up and headed to my dentist appointment. I totally forgot that my health care provider changed. So I got there 15 minutes early and was just sort of chilling, waiting for them to call my name. When they finally did I had to spend another 15 minutes filling out new paper work…

Come on… You couldn’t have had me do that when I first got there? That’s why I was early. >.<

So once I finally got that taken care of (thank the Universe for smart phones being able to look up all my information) I was finally seen.

Nothing has really changed, which is good. I still have three fillings I need to get. So I went ahead and scheduled that appointment. 9:30am on the 22nd I go back. Not looking forward to it… but at least it will be done. I’ve had this on the do-to list for over two years now.

Once I was done at the dentist I came back to the apartment to figure out foodstuff with Zane. I was starting to get super tired. But really in the scheme of things, by that point in the day I had already been pretty productive.

Eventually I got up and went to Publix. While I was out I tried to stop by the storage unit place that is literally across the street from the apartment. There was a sign on the door that said “Be Back at 3:15”. Since it was already 3:20 I, for some reason, did not believe the sign.

I stayed around until 3:30 and then gave up. I was tired, I had food in the car, and I didn’t know how much longer I would have to wait because the sign was a lie.

I have plans to go back there tomorrow after the gym.

But I did try to get the ball rolling with the storage unit. I think that will be the main catalyst for the guys getting their stuff moved around and making a spot for me.

I came back to the apartment and ended up napping for a bit before going to the dojo. I stayed for both classes today, which I’m actually sort of glad I didn’t go to the gym. I don’t think I would have been able to survive three hours of workout yet.

I got to see Sensei Beata and Jan. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I can’t type enough hearts to express how awesome it was to be able to train with them again. I can’t express how awesome it was to train in general. To be back at the dojo. It fulfills a part of me and I love having it back. I’m starting to feel complete again. Totally complete.

I didn’t do as well as I would have liked, but I can feel myself getting back into the swing of things. I can still feel the movements and when I get them wrong verses when I get them right. I know I’ll get better as the month goes on, and I am hoping hardcore to be able to take my 6 kyu test finally.

I called my mom after I left the dojo. I had told her in a text message last night that I wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere and that I would call today. Well… she beat me to it and tried to call me while I was at the dojo, so I called her back. Yay phone tag. : D

I wasn’t able to talk for very long. Zane and his roommates wanted to go to Smokey Bones as a belated birthday celebration for Zane. Since they were already waiting on me I told mom I would talk with her more indepth tomorrow. I’m seriously thinking about not telling her about moving… but I know I can’t hide anything from her, and since that’s the main thing going on with me right now it’s not like I can dance around it… So I’ll most likely have that conversation with her. Arg. I’m worried, but at the same time, it won’t change my course of action, so I really shouldn’t let it bother me.

Back on track for the daily recap, Trevor, Danielle, John, Zane and I all went to Smokey Bones for dinner.

I wish I could say it was a good experience, but the service sucked, and everyone’s order was wrong in some way. We then had to wait 30 minutes to get our check because our server wanted to sit down at a table she was supposed to be cleaning off to chat with another co-worker.

I thought at first it was just me being grouchy and tired, but everyone mentioned how this had been their most terrible experience to date of any restaurant they had been to.

So at least it wasn’t just me thinking the whole thing was bad.

I really wish it had been better, but even still, I enjoyed being out with everyone. For as awful as it was, I’m sure it could have been worse. I can’t think of how, but in some parallel universe somewhere, something else went wrong. Like our cars were towed or something.

Currently I’m at the apartment finishing off my to-do list. Writing my blog is the last thing. And it’s actually helping me unwind from the day, so maybe I’ll be able to get a nice nap in before work.

I have my to-do list already made for tomorrow so I don’t have to take any time in the morning to do it. All I have to do is wake up, shower, enjoy my coffee, and make it into work on time.

I’m working with Clavan tomorrow since David is visiting his wife’s family for the baby shower. Not sure if I ever mentioned that… David is going to be a dad. I’m super happy for him.

It’s pretty crazy to think about. David is my age…

I know people my age who already have two kids, some people already have four. And here I am terrified of having an actual relationship, much less a child. And then that’s when my brain moves to the fact that I might not be able to have kids of my own, and that’s sort of depressing, which is not how I want to end my night.

I’m enjoying life right now. I’m not depressed or lonely. I’m doing well with my finances. I’m doing well with school. I have a battle plan for improving work. I feel like the Universe is showing me a positive direction, and right now that direction doesn’t include kids, and could very well never include them.

I’m ok with enjoying what I have.