aikido

Daily Post 0119: First Page, First Day

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It’s the start of a new month. It’s the start of a new notebook, too, since I used all of the pages in my last one. The new one has a red cover. Not that it really matters. I pulled it from my bookshelf randomly. But new notebooks always seem significant to me.

The last month doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past and can’t tarnish this new notebook. All of the to-do lists. All of the things I didn’t get done. All of the reminders. I take care of all of that when I switch to the new notebook. I go through the remaining pages and jot over the few things I need to, and then throw out the old one.

Maybe that’s hateful of me. The notebook served me so well, maybe I should do more than just throw it away. But burying a notebook seems a little extreme. Even for me. Either way, I transition from one pad of paper to a new blank slate. I take a deep breath and I write the first line of the first list on the first page with 69 other pages serving as padding behind it.

I take a moment to forgive myself. To let myself know that it’s ok. Yeah I didn’t get everything done. Yeah I could have done things better in hindsight. I did pretty awesome though. I got through a whole notebook, a whole month. I’m still going. So really there’s nothing to forgive. I give myself an internal hug and acknowledge that I actually get stuff done.

It’s a good feeling.

Today is like that. It’s the first day of a new month. The first day of my new schedule. The first day of being back on track. It’s technically a day off for me from work, though I’ve checked my work email and have responded to a few ‘work’ related questions on Facebook.

I was supposed to wake up at 8:30 to go to the gym. I set my alarm and everything. I forgot to bring the phone with me into the bedroom though, so I didn’t wake up until 9:30, which is when the spin class starts. So much lame.

Instead I went to the gym and ran. I actually did really well. I’m happy with my time. I’m upping my run intervals by running through part of my recovery intervals. I think next time I’m going to change the timing of my run intervals from 1 minute to 1:30. We’ll see how well I survive that.

Before all of that though I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from Joshua. He was done with the vacuum and ready for me to pick it up whenever. I got dressed for the gym, grabbed a breakfast shake, and headed to my old apartment.

Joshua was taking out some of his furniture when I got there. He was going to throw it out at the dumpster, but offered the stuff to me if I wanted it. He had a solid wood night stand, which I took. Even if I wasn’t most likely moving I would have taken it. It’s super good quality and could be sold online if nothing else. It deserves a better home than the dumpster.

So currently that’s in the back of my car along with my vacuum. Reunited at long last. <3 Now I’ll be able to vacuum up all of the cat fur on my mattress. Ick doesn’t even begin to describe it… Sad but true.

So yeah, had an awesome workout. Came home, woke Zane up since he asked me to do that before I left. Cooked breakfast for me since he wanted left over pizza. We watched Archer for a bit.

We’re on season five, which I really am not caring for all that much, but he said to really understand season six we have to sit through it. We’re almost done so I guess it’s not that bad.

After a little while I set up my laptop to poke around with my new online class. It’s Typography and Page Layout. Totally looking forward to it. I’ve gone through all of the course introduction assignments and have my battle plan for the rest of the week.

I’m going to complete all of the reading tomorrow, along with the discussion assignment, and take the quiz. Wednesday I will complete the tutorials and exercises, and most likely also start the brainstorming for the main assignment of the week. Thursday will be replying to the discussion post and continuing to work on the main assignment from that point forward until I feel it is done. I’m hoping to have all homework completed by Friday so I can have the weekend to myself. I feel that is a do-able schedule.

So for today I’m done with school.

I checked my bank account not long ago. Friday I’ll be able to pay off my Care Credit card. Like, completely, poof, gone, no more monthly payment paid off.

I. Cannot. Wait.

Seriously, I am so stoked. This week is going to be hard to sit through because I’ll be itching so bad to make the payment. I want to do it all at once though. So I have to wait. I don’t like waiting. Arg. Why can’t it be now? I’m only $200 short at the moment. So close. So incredibly close. >.<;

That’s my day for the most part though. Zane is napping at the moment which is giving me time to do my own thing. At 6pm I have taekwondo, then 7 to 9 is aikido. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do three hours. I’m worried that my legs are going to be shot. Especially if we focus on kicks in the first class. So far my shin splints are behaving… It’s like a tentative truce though. I’m waiting for them to get pissy with me for running and then doing more stuff.

So the rest of the day is sort of unplanned. I’ll stay at the dojo until I’m done, then come home and enjoy the rest of my evening by relaxing and doing nothing important. Most likely character stuff for Patherfind, which is what I’m going to go do now. And Game of Thrones. That has to happen.

Oh. Tomorrow is my dentist appointment. And possibly laundry… because cloths are a good thing. Even better if they’re clean…

It’s been a few hours, though. Time to go be annoying. Muahahahaha. >:3

Daily Post 0117: Book Recommendation

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I meant to write yesterday but didn’t. Oh well. I’m writing now, so here we go.

When I was out at breakfast with Nik earlier in the week we were talking about D/s dynamics and submission in general. I explained how I didn’t want that type of relationship with Zane, and that I was content with the dynamic we currently have.

I don’t want that at all right now, actually. I’m tired of trying and having it blow up in my face. I like having a friend right now. I like the companionship and affection. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I found, and right now that’s enough.

While Nik and I were talking I went on to say how I didn’t know if I was really submissive any more, or if I had ever been one. I talked about some of my past experiences and why I felt that way, and how it was confusing and conflicting for me and just another thing on the list of endless things to eventually, one day, figure out about myself.

She smiled and recommended a book to me. She said it sounded like I was a Warrior Princess Submissive, and that I might gain a lot from reading the book, deceptively called The Warrior Princess Submissive.

She said I wouldn’t find much information online and that my best bet would be to buy the book.

It was a few days later before I actually started poking around online. True to her word I didn’t find much about Warrior Princess Submissives, but I found the book, and I found quotes from the book. I liked the quotes. They interested me and made me want to read more.

I thought about buying it, then thought about the Buddhist book I still haven’t finished reading. I told myself that before I bought a new book I really should finish reading that one first…

So I didn’t buy it that night.

Instead I waited until the next night because my brain wouldn’t leave it alone. I had to have this book. I really wanted to read it and to see if it really did have anything insightful for me.

It was one of those things where I could either continue resisting and suffer for a few days, struggling with myself, or just admit that I was going to buy the book before finishing my other book regardless and just go ahead and do it, skipping the days of mental abuse I would put myself through…

Pick your battles, right? I prefer to pick ones that I know I’ll win…

So I bought the book at 7pm Thursday night. I started reading it in the middle of my lab, and only stopped reading it long enough to go home to Zane. While he played Tales of Vesperia I read page after page until suddenly it was 3am and the book was done.

I was left thoughtful. There had been a lot of interesting points, some funny passages, some heartfelt stories. There were also sections that I identified with so much that it left me uncomfortable. It showed my weaknesses. It showed things I struggle with. It was like reading my own brain in certain chapters. Like this person had been following me, had been inside my head, and knew how I felt.

It was like he had access to the very center of my personality. My core. Not only did he have access to it, he had just typed it all out into a book and handed it to me like it was a little, mini “Jen Manual” or something.

Unsettling is one of way describing it.

There were a few times that I wanted to stop reading and walk away because I felt so vulnerable, in a way almost violated, just because of how close to home some of the text hit. But I couldn’t stop reading. I had to get to the end. I had to get to the next chapter. I had to know what else this person knew about me.

Of course we’ve never met. Of course this book isn’t about me at all. And there are some things that I’m like… Nope. Not even close… but there are so many thing in it that are me. I love it and hate it at the same time. How could someone, a stranger, know so much about me, be able to explain it so simply, when I myself have never been able to figure it out?

It doesn’t seem fair. And then I think about how INFJs are always better at understanding other people then they are themselves.

Does it matter how this person got the information?

No… I guess not. But I don’t like someone knowing how I work. It’s a weird feeling. A new feeling. I don’t know where it goes in relation to all of my other emotions. I don’t have a spot for it. So I’m flustered with it.

Where do you belong? /glare

But, no. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I have information now. I have new thoughts to chew on and contemplate. I have new reasons to be introspective.

I am going to be re-reading the book and writing my thoughts about each chapter. These posts will go into Musing Moments and I am hoping they will help me in figuring out this part of my personality, which I have always struggled with understanding and explaining to others.

In other news I got my Illustrator Friday Challenge assignment done last night. I like where it is going, but I don’t feel like it is done. I will most likely keep working on this assignment after the class simply because I want to see this image to its full realization.

I will post what I was able to get done with it in my Dragon’s Horde shortly.

I made Dong Po for dinner last night. The apartment smelled amazing from letting the meat simmer for a few hours in the sauce. Over all, I liked how it turned out. We had left over noodles from the shrimp scampi, but I feel rice would have been a better side dish.

I went to sleep around 3am again. Zane stayed up for a bit playing his game more. I’ve been enjoying watching him play. Or in the case of Thursday, doing my own thing on the couch with him while he plays. It’s nice to know we don’t have to be doing the same thing together all the time.

I slept well, but am still tired. It feels like a body tired, though. My muscles are sore from the gym yesterday. Biking, running, and rowing, followed by a bit of stretching. I plan on taking it easy today, which may or may not bite me later. The smart thing to do would be to stretch since the soreness is due to acid build up.

I’ve had an awesome morning so far. I slept as long as I wanted, and didn’t wake up to an alarm. I had eggs with coffee. I’ve had a hot, relaxing shower. Zane and I had some interesting conversation. I got ready for work, and so far work has been laid back. It’s the last lab of the month so most people are finishing up their assignments, which means they can leave lab early.

I was supposed to have lunch with Joshua to get my vacuum back, but he needs to keep using it for a bit, so I’m going to be getting it back tomorrow instead. That also means lunch is canceled. Sad day.

I have dinner plans with Rhonda. I’m trying to get those changed to 6:30. Currently I am supposed to meet her at 5pm. I messaged her on Facebook, but I don’t think she uses it all that often, so I’m not sure if she’ll actually get my message. We really should just exchange phone numbers… I’ll send her another message about that.

Sunday is my day off. Monday is a day off. Tuesday is admin hours and my dentist appointment. My next actual lab is Wednesday at 5am.

I’m hoping Zane and I can finish my characters for the Pathfinder game tomorrow. Monday is Teakwondo and Aikido. I haven’t looked to see what classes are going on at the gym, but that’s on the to-do list for the day. I have my final assignment to work on which will happen later tonight while Zane is at work.

For now that’s it I’m pretty sure. Good, slow day so far.

Daily Post 0112: Trading One for the Other

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I feel like that’s what I keep doing. I fix one imbalance only to have it be replaced with another.

I’ve had a lot of imbalance recently which has kept me from writing. I’ve felt unmotivated to do it. I haven’t wanted to look at why I felt bad. I didn’t want to lance my wounds because I knew it would hurt even though I knew in the long run it would be for the best.

I’ve just been sort of ignoring it, which I totally recognize in myself. It’s what I do. I keep going for as long as I can with this emotional injury until it gets to the point where I can’t ignore it. Usually there’s a breakdown involved. Some giant reaction that leaves me drained and spent for days, sometimes weeks. Lots of solitude is needed to recover. I normally hibernate alone, avoiding people because they don’t understand the emotions or their intensity.

They ask what’s wrong, when really what I need is for them to carry on as normal. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want attention drawn to it. I want life to move forward, not to dwell on the fact that I’m not ok.

No. I’m not ok. But life keeps moving. The world still spins. Traffic still sucks at 5pm. The day isn’t going to stop simply because I feel bad. So don’t stop or change either. If I need to talk about it I will. Otherwise just keep going.

Stealing a line from a blog I follow here. Sorry if I bleed on you a little bit. How rude of me to have this hole in my chest that I’m clutching and trying to not make a mess everywhere with my emotions. But it’s a gaping wound, so really I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

I’m going to bleed, and it’s going to be a little messy, and if you don’t want to deal with getting bled on that’s fine. I understand and respect that some people aren’t good at helping others through their pain. I understand it makes others uncomfortable and sometimes people don’t want to deal with it. I get it. Really, I do. Don’t make me feel worse for hurting just because you don’t want to empathize.

I guess that was a tangent. Right now I’m a mix of anger which is external, and hurt which is internal. I keep flipping between the two.

 The Story So Far

I wrote about how Mother Earth broke up with me. I understand why. I don’t blame her for doing it. It hurt through. I felt, and still feel, dirty. As if I were dropped to the ground.

I still feel like I’m sitting in my cave, hugging my knees.

I don’t feel it is right of me to still be a maid of honor. I don’t feel honorable. I don’t feel like I should be in that position when I’m covered in dirt. I feel like things are unresolved between Mother Earth and I and that makes me withdrawal into myself. It makes me want to hide away because that’s easier than confronting the emotions.

She text me asking if I was still planning on coming to the wedding, if I still wanted to be her maid of honor.

I had been thinking about this very thing for days. Since she broke up with me.

How was I supposed to do it? How could it ever be right with the way the situation turned?

I thought about it, and tried to see it from different sides.

I replied back saying that I felt like there was still discord between us. That I was worried if I went to Texas that things would be awkward, and that I was uncomfortable with the idea of being her maid of honor now, and I didn’t know how to change those feelings.

She replied saying that she would not force me to do something that I did not want to do, and to let her know if I wished to step down from being her maid of honor.

I replied back saying I did wish to step down.

She thanked me for letting her know, and said for me to have a good day.

I feel tangled. I feel awful. I feel relieved. I feel like I’m a terrible person and that I ruined Mother Earth’s wedding. I feel worse because I feel like I made the right choice for me. I feel like I’m being selfish. I feel like maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s hard to be with. Maybe it’s my fault my relationships get messed up. It’s my fault they fail.

I’m angry at the Universe because it feels like it never leaves me alone. For once can I not hurt those I care about?

I hurt because a loved one hurts.

I hurt because I want things to be different. I hurt because I know I’m picking myself.

This is how things are. I am in control of my own actions and feelings. I am here, in this moment. I acknowledge my emotions. I respect them, and understand where they came from and why there are here.

I will not look at the past. I will not fret or worry about the future. I will focus here, now, because that is all I have.

Time is neither positive or negative. It simply is. It exists. I choose to exist with it. I have today, and only today. I used to think that every morning when I woke up. Every morning I would remind myself how I only had today, and that every action should reflect that. But I haven’t said that to myself in a while now. I’ve been going day-to-day hoping tomorrow will be better, when I don’t have tomorrow.

Tomorrow isn’t promised to me any more than it’s promised to anyone else.

I have the here and now, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to let it go. I want to live fully in this moment, in every moment, because it is the only moment I have.

I’m proud that I went to the gym today. After the messages with Mother Earth I stayed in bed. I was tired. My body ached. Scarlet was cuddled against me. There were all of these reasons to not move. It would have been so much easier to not go. To just let time slide over me until I had to get up for work.

But I didn’t do that. I got up. I packed my gym bag. I went to the gym, and I had a pretty shitty workout, but at least I had one. I showered and did all of the things to get ready for work that I didn’t want to do.

I went and had lunch even though I didn’t want to eat.

And I made it to work on time even though I thought about calling out.

I’ve checked my email. I’ve replied to messages. I’m on top of all of my school work. Look at me adulting and shit.

I’m doing well today. I’m moving forward one hard, bloody, agonizing step at a time. And at the moment that’s where the story ends. The heroine stumbling along, wounded but not defeated. Another battle of life survived with new scars to tell the tale.

 Next Month

When I got into work Clavan told me he was able to get the schedule changed. CRI1 will be held in a powered lecture hall, just like the Shading and Lighting class is during some months. This means that there will be only one lab group instead of three.

So Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I will be working 5am until 9am. That’s super early in the morning, but it’s one lab. I can go to the gym afterwards, and I can go to aikido at 7pm. I will also have time for admin hours so I can have more time for homework.

Shading and lighting will be Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays 9am to 1pm. Again I will still be able to do the gym and aikido.

I’ll be able to pay off over half of my Care Credit credit card. I should be able to have that paid off by July. I should be able to get new running shoes. I should be able to take my 6 kyu test for aikido. I should be able to go back to taekwondo. I should be able to finish reading Brsinger. I should be able to do a few cross stitchings.

Next month should be a good month.

I’m hoping with every fiber of my body that it is. I’m hoping it stays the way it seems to be inside of my head. I’m hoping that I have survived March, April, and May, and that June will be the calm. The recharge. The solitude. The focus.

I’m hoping I don’t get sick again. I’m hoping I actually finish that podcast that I started I don’t even remember how long ago.

I’m hoping. I have this light at the end of this really long dark tunnel and I want so badly for it to be sunlight. I want it so badly to be warmth and summer. I want it to be the forest surrounding my cave and that when I step outside things will be ok. Things will be better as long as I keep crawling and stumbling. As long as I keep moving to that light things will be ok.

That’s what I’m hoping for the most right now.

I’m hoping things will be ok.

Musing Moment: 0037: Nerding Out Over Aikido

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So one of my blogging buddies, Seven Years in a Drawer, asked me to write about aikido. Since I love nerding out over it I figured I would make a post about my experience so far. : D


How did it start?

It’s actually a pretty funny story, at least to me. Frank, a coworker and I were talking about working out, biking I think. Something to do with the gym. It came up that I wanted to do something more boxing related, but that I really didn’t want to learn how to hurt people. That wasn’t the point of it, I just felt like I should know how to fight and defend myself. Part of my warrior mentality I guess.

Anyway, he mentioned that he had been looking at a form of martial arts that I might be interested in. Aikido Orlando Dojo. We poked around at the website before we left work. At the time it was 1am. I went home and looked further into the website because I was super curious.

One of the things on the website that caught my attention was, “Harming your opponent harms yourself.”

Since I am exploring more into Buddhism this mentality really jived with me. It’s not about beating your opponent into a bloody pulp, or about being a killer death machine with your elbows (even though I joke about that a lot). Aikido is about being able to react to a hostile situation and defuse a threat.

I noticed there was a class at 7am that morning, so I set my alarm and got there towards the end of the class. I spoke with Sensei Ian for a while, and sort of impressed him with how much research I had already done on aikido and the dojo.

The first session was free, so I said I would think about coming back and trying it out at some point. It wasn’t until I got back to my apartment that I realized I had left my wallet at the dojo. I felt it was the Universe’s way of telling me to go back.

I’ve been a member of the dojo since mid-January.

How does it help me?

There are a lot of ways that aikido helps me.

Community

It gives me something to be part of. The members of the dojo are so accepting. Everyone has been the ‘new’ student, so there’s no judgment on not being able to do rolls, or forgetting what hand is suppose to grab where, or what position your feet are suppose to move to. Everyone is learning and growing, and everyone is willing to help foster that growth.

Confidence

It has helped make me more confident in myself. No, I may not be the thinnest person on the planet. And honestly, I’m never going to be, and I’m ok with that. I can still do pretty awesome stuff. I can still have a strong connection with my body and feel its potential. I can still be strong and capable. I can prove to myself that I can overcome fear.

It’s not that I think I’m a badass and want to go walking down dark allies to be a vigilante, beating up muggers or anything. I don’t know how to really explain this side of the feelings. It makes me feel good to be able to preform the moves.

Energy

And this is where I show my INFJ colors and start talking about energy and connections and stuff that people think I’m crazy for. Zero fucks given. I’m going to talk about it anyway. : D

When I do a move correctly, I can feel the energy pass from my partner into myself, and then back to them. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s very much like dancing. You can feel the connection to your partner. It’s more than just physical touch.

It’s sort of like trying to explain color to a blind person. If you’ve never experienced energy before, then none of this will make sense. There’s nothing to base the words off of. Nothing to relate it to. How are you supposed to know what blue looks like if you’ve never seen color?

Once you experience it though, you’ll never forget it. It’s one of the main things that draws me to aikido and taekwondo.

Health

There’s the added health benefits. Aikido isn’t about strength or speed like a lot of other martial arts. In a lot of ways it’s like yoga. You perform the moves to the level you are comfortable with. It still has you moving around though, and it can be a fantastic workout if you make it one.

I also have amazing instructors to help me. They are super encouraging and that means a lot to me. They want me to do well, and there’s never any pressure to be better. They answer any questions I have, even if it’s not really related to what we’re being shown. They indulge my curiosity, and my introversion. Especially sensei Jan and Beata. They’re amazing.

Tradition

I’m pretty big on tradition, and there’s a lot of that with most martial arts. I am able to clean the shrine and help take care of the dojo, which makes me feel like I’m an actual member. I feel invested in my dojo and the heritage and mentalities it represents. I like what aikido stands for, and so it gives me something to have pride in.

Conclusion

Over all aikido has been a fantastic experience for me. I feel like it is helping to build me into a better person and it will be something I continue with.

Daily Post 0106: Just a Day

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This might be a bit of a downer post, but I’m sort of ok with that.

I just got done figuring out my schedule for the next month. I work six days a week, like I have been for the past year now. Only this time Shading and Lighting isn’t going to be a 4 hour, single lab. It’s going to be two labs, so I’ll be working 8 hours on those days.

Character Rigging 1 is also going to be two labs. Which means on my good weeks I’ll have 40 hours of straight lab time. No administrative hours to do the grading, or tutoring, or the PCC Critiques. Just labs. Anything else I need or want to get done will be ‘over-time’ that I most likely won’t get paid for because I’ve never gotten overtime in the three years I’ve worked at the school.

On the bad weeks, I’ll be working 48 hours, straight labs. Again, no time for anything extra.

That doesn’t include the homework I’m going to have to do for my new class.

That doesn’t count time for the gym or aikido…

Downward spiral of doom.

I’m going to talk to Clavan about it. I’ve gone a month without aikido and I’m not cool with that. I don’t want to do it again.

So that has me down. My job isn’t bad. In fact, most of the time I love it. But it keeps taking and taking, and I really wish that I didn’t get burnt as fast as I do. I wish the good months, the ones where my schedule is perfect and lines up with everything that I want, would stay. I wish my schedule was consistent so I could have a routine. Right now, sitting here, looking at my calendar and brooding over it, I’m tired of having to give up things that are important to me, to a company that feels like it’s sucking the soul out of me.

It’s not my coworkers, it’s not my boss. It’s the mentality of the school as a whole. If they would just hire more people the environment would be so much better, rather than trying to scrap by with below the bare minimum.

That’s why people keep leaving. Which makes things worse for the people who stay, so they end up leaving… another vicious cycle, and it feels like I’m in the middle of it. Blarg.

Other than that things have been going well.

I got my first graphic design freelance. I’m going to be creating the drink menu for the hookah lounge that DM works at. They want to make it more like a café with coffees, teas, boba, and smoothies. I’ve also created a few concepts for the menu for the house blends. It’s been fun. Since they’re super busy tonight I was going to go in tomorrow to show them the concepts I made and try to discuss the designs / layouts with the owners.

They’re both super cool people.

I know other stuff has happened, especially since I haven’t written in a while. But I can’t really think of anything that I want to write about.

I haven’t replied to Mother Earth’s message. I don’t know how to. I still haven’t processed it yet. I know I should. I know it will hurt. And so I’m avoiding it.

I had a good workout at the gym the other day. Finally. I biked, rowed, walked around the track to cool off, and sat in the sauna thinking about nothing.

I did all of my homework, so the Intellectual Property and Law class is done. I made a 95 in it, which I’m cool with. Glad it’s over. I’m scheduled to take Digital Story Telling again. That was the class I failed last month. If next month’s schedule is as crazy as it looks like it’s going to be I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Right now I feel screwed in that department.

DM’s birthday is next month, so I want to try to cross stitch him a gift. Yet more stuff that takes time.

I haven’t done any of my weekend chores in a while. I’m really just sitting here kicking myself by thinking of all the things that I should / ought / need to be doing in my life. All of these things that aren’t going to make me happy or give me a better life, but things I feel compelled to do for some reason.

I’m not being a warrior right now. I know I’m not. I’m still sitting in my cave, hugging my knees, head buried in my arms ignoring the things going on around me. This is one of those moments in time where I’m not ok inside, so the outside doesn’t matter.

I’ll figure it out. Today is not that day though.

Daily Post 0103: Pro – Con List

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Work went well. While I was on break I saw Huston. He wanted to know if I would be able to meet up with him at some point to work on one of his scripts. He has been try to make a class (that’s a programming term) for his script, but it wasn’t working properly and he couldn’t figure out why.

After talking about my schedule, and realizing that we wouldn’t be able to meet up for a few days, I decided to sit down in the lobby with him and help him out while I ate my lunch. The lobby is a social area for students, so I don’t normally hang out there, but if I’m legitimately working with someone then I don’t feel awkward about it.

So yeah, I ate my little tuna lunch while Huston talked through the issue he was having. We ended up getting the script to work which was awesome. It made us both feel good. It was great to be able to see Huston again and to enable him to continue moving forward with his project.

After lab I had about an hour to kill before having to be at the dojo. DM had text me earlier so I texted back asking if I could hangout for a little bit since he lives so close to my dojo. I figured I could finish off my character or we could play Soul Caliber.

He was fine with that. At the moment I have permission to come into the apartment without knocking. That makes me feel like I belong; like I’m part of the group. Their apartment is very social and open. It has a very accepting vibe to it, so it means a lot that I have been adopted into their circle.

We played Soul Caliber for a little while. I left for class around 5:50. We practiced kicks for a while, so my hip flexors are hating on me a bit today. And my calves feel tight, so stretching might be in order later this afternoon. Yoga sounds pretty amazing actually.

I stayed for an hour of aikido after the taekwondo class. I remembered a lot of the stuff, but I felt slow, rusty. It wasn’t a good feeling. The longer the class went on the less I felt it, but it was still not a cool sensation. I’ve only been to the dojo three times this month according to the sheet. So much lame.

Anywho, I got to practice forward rolls a bit, and I did my smoothest back roll ever so far. The few I have done in the past felt bumpy. This one felt super clean and fluid. It made me happy.

After class I went back to DM’s for a little bit. We had already agreed that I would not be staying the night. We played a bit more Soul Calibur and then watched a few episodes of “Is it Wrong to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?” It’s an anime, and it’s super cute. Hestia is so adorable. I absolutely love her character and I’m really interested in seeing where the story goes.

DM and I had some more deep conversation. We both agree that we need to take a step back to process what’s going on. It surprises me how we both think the same thing so often.

We both feel like it has quickly (in one week) become more than casual friends. Last night it was sort of funny / cute because while neither one of us wanted to leave the other, we both knew we needed the space, and that it wasn’t anything against the other.

I was thinking about it last night. Nothing that has happened has felt forced. The level of affection that we show to each other feels natural, normal. It feels like I’m supposed to reach out and let my finger tips brush his arm as he walks past. And it feels right that his hand turns slightly so that his own fingers brush against mine. It’s nothing big, it’s not something super intimate, but it makes me feel connected. And I like that.

We talked about titles the other night and I mentioned how I don’t like the terms boyfriend and girlfriend because they felt hallow and superficial. I said how those labels reminded me of immature high school mentalities of on again off again dating, and how I wanted a companion; someone to experience life with.

I’m trying to think about the situation logically without emotions. I’m trying to make a pro/con list, but I cannot think of any cons.

Joshua and I almost got involved after he broke up with Susan, but the pro/con list ended that before it began. He will be moving away in a few months, so anything serious would lead to emotional hurt later since neither of us would enjoy a long distance relationship. Susan was going to be moving back in to stay in the spare bedroom, so it would be awkward to tiptoe around her. And for me there was the added con of knowing some of our core traits would not mesh well, so there was the chance of harming our friendship.

None of that seemed worth it for a few weeks of fun. So we had a conversation about it and we both agreed to not pursue it, even though we are both interested. He still gives me hugs when we see each other, and we’re still friends after the conversation. We know it was nothing personal against the other, it just wasn’t the right time, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

With DM I can’t think of any cons as to why I shouldn’t let things happen as they are.

He is in the area and not planning to move. He has a job, though his motorcycle is out of commission at the moment. That should be up and running within the month, and even though he doesn’t have motor transportation, he is self sufficient and bikes to work or wherever he needs to go. He enjoys cooking. Our interests line up, both in the bedroom and outside of it. He doesn’t mind that I don’t want to share some of my hobbies and actually encouraged me to do so; that having separation would be healthy.

We’re both introverts with an understanding of how precious space and time are to each other, and we respect that. He likes cats. Stupid maybe, but it means a lot to me. He’s accepting of my faith. We make each other laugh. And I feel this is moving into more of the right brained feelz than sticking to logic…

He doesn’t live far away, actually he lives super close to everything that I find important like the dojo, work, and the gym, so it wouldn’t be hard adjust my life to include him in it. He makes me feel more balanced so I actually have the motivation and drive to get things done again.

It’s not me forcing myself to do things, dragging myself through the motions which take more energy than they should. I actually have energy to do things. I want to do them. I looked forward to vacuuming my car, to getting something sort of big done and off of my list finally. That’s the type of energy he gives me.

I think that alone is a good reason to continue with whatever it is that we have. I’m not really even all that interested in putting a label on it or defining it by trying to shove it into a box. I want it to be whatever it is and just go with it. But maybe that isn’t fair. Maybe that’s lazy of me, an excuse to not look further, deeper at it.

He’s not detracting from my schoolwork or actual work. I’m still going to the dojo and the gym. He isn’t a burden financially. He actually took me out for sushi the other day while we talked about my character’s backstory.

He wants us to be equals rather than having a D/s relationship, which I’m ok with. We’re able to pick on each other and banter back and forth without the other person taking offense. I get along with his roommates and friends, even his brother, at least the one I have met.

I don’t know. I don’t see any negatives. In my other relationships I knew they were there. I saw yellow and red flags in the beginning, but I ignored them. Or if I didn’t ignore them, I didn’t voice my concerns as forcefully as I should have, which was a communication error on my part.

The only negative I can really think of is that if it doesn’t work out, or we break it off, that I will emotionally hurt, which sucks and is something I want to avoid. It’s fear really. The only downside I can find at the moment is fear.

I’m going to keep thinking on it. I feel like there is more there than fear that I need to unravel and look at.

For now I’m going to go. I have laundry to fold, a freelance check to hunt down, some cross stitching to do, and eventually a gym to get to. It’s a rainy, lazy day today, but it still has that feeling of contentment.

Daily Post 0092: All of the Things…

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This is the last post for the day. I swear. I don’t think I could write more if I wanted to. Even as it is, I’m tired from having such a full day that I’m barely holding on to consciousness right now.

Ok… maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but seriously, I wouldn’t mind waffle facing on my keyboard. I wouldn’t even be sorry if I drooled a little bit…

I’ve gone through THREE to-do lists today. I wasn’t joking when I said my day was full…

It started with catching up on emails (still), and then procrastinating on my day by writing a post. After that I meal planned then went to Publix. Since I’ve moved I have to go to a different store location. It’s a change in my routine, which for most people isn’t a big deal, but for me it’s new cashiers that I have to get to know, figuring out where the things I want are really located, and figuring out if they even have the things I typically buy. Not all stores are created equal.

So that was a bit of stress, but it actually wasn’t that bad. Traffic wasn’t awful for being 9am on a Monday. The store was pretty much empty, which was fantastic, and I was able to get everything that I wanted. Score!

I was also $40 under budget because I’m awesome like that.

By the time I got home my laundry was done drying so I could hang my cloths. I put my gi (aikido uniform) in the wash with a cup of vinegar to whiten it. I wanted to let it soak for most of the day while I was at work.

I did all of my cooking for the week, so meals are done. Huzzah for not going hungry. I figured out what was going on with my debit card and Metro PCS, so I was able to pay my bill online rather than having to go into a store to do it. Avoiding people is always a plus in my book.

I stopped by the bank and got $20 for Ari since she let me borrow money last week.

I changed my address with USPS and for my voter registration and got some awesome coupons in the process.

I replied to Ray’s email, created an invoice for Tina, and an invoice template for Tre so he could make his own invoice for the project. I was even able to get both of our invoices sent off to Tina today, so hopefully we both get paid shortly.

I talked to Jon today. I guess he got refunded the money he tried to wire to my because my own bank couldn’t find my account, even though they verified that I used the correct account number… Wtf? My mind can’t even wrap around that…

Just another nail in the coffin for why I will be justified in leaving my bank as soon as I am able to.

Jon and I have a Skype date for when I get off work on Saturday. It will be awesome to chat with him for a while. I miss his face so much, which is funny because growing up we hated each other. Sibling love I suppose…

I figured out dates for the PCC critiques and made a post on the Facebook group for them. Monica is going to see about getting a guest speaker for the critique on the first of May.

That’s something new we want to try to do. The last critique of the month we want to try to get alumni to do a Skype conversation where they talk to current students about their experience(s) in the industry and answer questions. So that’s in the works, which is fantastic.

I finally finished getting caught up on emails, work email included.

I sent out my new address to a bunch of people so they could stay in touch with me. I also messaged a few students that I haven’t heard from in a while, just as a way to reconnect now that spring break is over.

I wrote my 30 Day Challenge post because I’m not a slacker. I continued on the productivity train by writing about my trip home, and was an even bigger bawce because I kept on going with a weekly recap.

And on that note I’m wrapping everything up with a daily post.

I needed today. A nice, productive day of kicking ass and taking names. A fantastic day of not being sick and getting life back on the track that it’s supposed to be on.

TLDR
Lab went well, and I got a ton done.
Thank you and good night.

Daily Post 0091: Challenge Accepted – Grocery Shopping

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I didn’t write last night, though I suppose I could have. I  wasn’t all that tired. But scarlet was next to me, and the bed was warm, and it seemed like an awful lot of energy to get out of bed just to  get back in it…

I woke up a little after Jeremy. I heard him moving around in the house, which in a way was comforting. It reminded me of when I lived at home with my mom and brothers. They would always be up before me, trying to be quiet in the kitchen, but I’m normally a super light sleeper, so it didn’t really matter how quiet they were. If they were up I would be shortly, too.

I stayed in bed for a while, petting Scarlet and assessing my energy levels. I was  still super tired. I figured that was from aikido and packing up my car the night before. I didn’t have creamer for coffee, so I knew that was going to be a bust, but I could still have breakfast.

So eventually I got up and went to the kitchen. Jeremy had put some of my stuff away, so I had a hard time finding things, but he showed me where everything was. I even have a shelf in the kitchen now, so I feel a little more at home. Not fully since I still don’t have a spot for my pots and skillets, but closer.

I cooked breakfast and ate. Jeremy and I were supposed to go to  Goodwill to drop stuff off, but neither of us really felt the motivation to do that yesterday, so we agreed to try on a different day. Most likely during the weekend since I work evenings this month.  Basically I’ll be leaving when he is getting home.

Ashely is taking online classes this month so I guess she’s always at the house, but that’s fine.

Lets see… After breakfast and rearranging plans I unpacked my car before I lost all motivation to do it. Seriously I’m surprised I didn’t sleep the whole day with how tired I was. I got everything inside the house, got the computer into the room though not set up and then just sat for a while, regrouping.

Those totes full of books sucked… They’re the heaviest boxes out of all of my stuff.

Eventually I got up and brought one box of books into the room and unpacked it, then got the second one. So my bookshelves are completely back to normal. Even my sketch books are on the shelves. My room, at least, feels like home now.

I took a nap after that. I think it was only for a few hours. It was much needed, though. After I woke up I went about setting up my computer. So currently I’m writing this entry on my desktop. I think it’s the first post  I’ll be making from here. I wonder if it should feel more significant than it does.

I still am not 100% set up. I still need to hang my posters and corkboard. I need to get a little shelf for my keys and wallet, maybe even one for near my desk so I can have a place for my jar of pens and such without losing desk space…

I wouldn’t get those until next payday though. So for now I’m just going to focus on  getting comfy and settled.

I got CrapDonalds for dinner last night since I never made it out to grocery shop. That’s actually what I’m getting ready to do. Writing a blog entry is totally not a way to procrastinate, I promise…

I started a load of laundry last night, so that’s in the dryer right now. It should be done by the time I get back with coffee creamer. I haven’t figured out what I want to cook yet. So I suppose that would be the first, first step. Figuring out what I want so I know what to buy…

This would be so much easier with caffeine. ;-;

Not much else is going on.  I have work at 1pm. Getitng to the gym before that would be nice.

I got in touch with Ray, or rather he emailed Tre and I asking if Tina had paid us yet. I told him about how Tina hasn’t been  responding to either Tre or I and how we were both getting concerned. Ray actually apologized for getting us involved with Tina. I guess she’s turning out to be a real piece of work.

Tre and I are supposed to be sending our invoices to Ray directly. He said he would get it straightened out and wouldn’t do any animation until both Tre and I were paid. Yay for having awesome freelance people.

Ray actually has a another project, with different people, that he offered to Tre and I. I think we’re both going to jump on it. We don’t have any issues with Ray. In fact, he’s pretty awesome and I think is a great contact to have. I’m going to be emailing him at some point today, most likely when I get back from the store to procrastinate on cooking…

Speaking of… I should go take care of that so I have food to eat today. Not having meals made sucks, as last night proved.

Off and away I go, back to normal life.

Daily Post 0090: Mission Hanging Cloths

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I’m writing this more to say that I wrote then because I want to. And it’s not even that I don’t want to write. I’m tired.

I did three hours of aikido today. The last hour was all weapons which was awesome. I love working with the bokken (wooden sword). It feels right.

After aikido I went to my sports bar since I didn’t get a chance to go Friday. While I was there I poked around on Craigslist for a mini fridge. There were a lot of ads up, but when I massaged the person the fridge had already been sold…

WTF? Take your post down then…

I finally got a reply to one that I thought was ok. It wasn’t my first choice, but it was the first reply that actually still had the f’ing fridge. So we arranged to meet later in the day so I could see it first. The guy said if I picked it up today he would take $50 off the price. So I was already pretty much sold.

After that I poked around the Home Depot website at closet organizers. I needed something so I could hang my cloths. The room I’m in doesn’t have a closet, which is odd, but whatever. I can figure it out.

And I did.

I got a feel for what there was online, then went to the store to see what they actually had, and to get an idea for what it looked like in person. I found one that I super liked, bought it, and brought it home.

By then it was time to check out the fridge. Loved it. Bought it. The guy even helped put it into my car. It’s a two door unit, fridge / freezer. Since I had to put it on its side to get it into my car I’m letting it stand over night before plugging it in. But I can go grocery shopping without worry about where to put my food now. So that’s nice.

Once I got the fridge I came home and put my storage unit together. That was fun. I love assembling things. It makes the left side of my brain happy.

I spent the rest of the day arranging things on my new shelves. I didn’t have any of my hangers with me so I couldn’t do much with my cloths.

I actually had a message from Joshua asking when I was planning on getting the rest of my stuff. I said that I was planning to come by in a little bit. I offered to pick up food for both of us since we really haven’t hung out in a while.

I ended up getting Chick Fil A, and we spent roughly three hours just talking. It was pretty awesome.

Currently my car is packed full with my books and the last little bit of stuff I wanted to bring to the new place. There’s also all of the stuff I want to donate. Really there isn’t that much.

Jeremy might be going with me to Goodwill tomorrow when I drop the stuff off. I guess he has some things he wants to get rid of too. Adventure. : D

Anyway, I’ve hung my cloths since I retrieved all of my hangers. Mission accomplished. The bar hasn’t fallen off yet, so I guess I did alright putting the unit together. Go me.

Right now that’s about it though.

So super tired. Totally going to go pass out.

Surprisingly I’m not all that sore from practice today. I wonder if that means I’m going to be in agony tomorrow…

Daily Post 0089: One More Night

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One last night before once again returning to my routine.

I’m 9 days behind on my 30 Day Challenge. Soon to be 10. I have to schedule an appointment with my piercer to up the gage in my ears. I have to pick up a change of address form. I have to get my computer from my old apartment, along with my books and Magic the Gathering cards. I have to look into getting a mini fridge to avoid territory issues in the kitchen. I need some shelving in my room since I don’t have an actual closet to hang anything. I need to meal plan and go grocery shopping, which means I’ll also need to cook. I need to make a post with pictures from my trip, and a recap about it might be nice as well…

I need to, I have to, I aught to…

All of these things that will still be there tomorrow.

Today I drove for six hours, leaving my mom’s house at 7am. I got back to Orlando shortly before 2pm since I stopped at a Waffle House in Georgia.

I unpacked and arranged most of my things. Scarlet is setup in the new room. She seems to be doing well. Currently she is curled up on my futon, which is where I will be soon.

I napped after unpacking. I woke up around 4:30.

Jeremy came home and offered to grill a potato for me, along with some husked corn, so I have those to go along with my lunches for the coming week. I washed all of the dishes in the sink as a ‘thank you’ for the food. I felt it was the least I could do.

I went to the dojo today. It was open mat, which means I could practice whatever I wanted. I was worried about going back. It’s been almost three weeks since I have practiced.

I had a message from Sensei Beata this morning though, saying that I was missed and that they hoped things were going well for me. So before I left home this morning I made up my mind that no matter what, I was going to to dojo today.

And I did. And It was amazing.

It was absolutely fantastic to see Sensei Jan and Beata again. I got hugs from both of them. We chatted a bit about what was going on in “Jen Land”. Sensei Beata worked with me for the whole hour reviewing my 6 kyu requirements.

I was surprised by how much I remember. We even started looking at the 5 kyu requirements.

I will most likely be testing at the end of this month.

But all of that is for another day.

I’m happy that I went. I’m happy that I did better than I thought I would.

I think I’m happy that I’m ‘home’. It’s still so new that I’m not sure. I’m still a little uneasy, an outsider. But my things are here and I’m glad to be around them again.

The room isn’t set up 100% the way I want, but it’s a work in progress and I like it so far.

I’m tired for now. I feel like I did well today. That’s good enough for me.