aikido

Daily Post 0082: Status Update

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I spent a lot of yesterday sleeping.

The people came over to take the dresser, they also helped me get rid of the mattress and box springs, so that’s two huge things taken care of. I figured out what to do with the coach and table that were left in the new room, so moving wise everything seems to be falling into place.

Sam is going to help clear out the room around 1pm today. After that I’m going to clean the walls, then try to get some painting done. I have an idea for colors, but I want to see the room empty before I settle on anything.

That was my main highlight for yesterday. After the furniture pickup I went to my sports bar where I figured out my budget, did a bunch of random computer stuff and had lunch. I messaged Mother Earth and was told she was being discharged and heading home.

That’s another huge weight gone. So much emotional stressing. Arg.

I came back home and slept after that.

The night before I hadn’t been able to sleep, so I stayed up until around 5ish in the morning watching Wolf of Wall Street. I thought it was a good movie. Crazy long, but worth it.

After my nap I went to school for the PCC Critiques. We had three people from cyber land participate, which was awesome. Two of them were students when I went through the program, so it was good to see / hear them again.

After that was Tre’s “We’ll see you later party,” which consistent of buying pizza and cider from a CVS and watching Honest Movie Trailers at his apartment. There were five of us, and we only hung around until around 10. So nothing crazy.

I made a to-do list yesterday but I didn’t do much with it.

I also missed my 30 Day Challenge exercise so I’ll have to do two of those today.

With all of the stuff that was going on with Mother Earth I had emailed my instructor and Clavan to let them know what was going on. I told both of them that if the situation got worse I would most likely be heading to Texas. I also told my instructor that due to the situation, I wouldn’t be completing my assignments, and that I understood that would most likely fail me for this month.

I don’t mind. I don’t feel bad. I wouldn’t have been happy with my grade anyway. And that means that these past two days, and the two left in my weekend, I don’t have to stress over anything. I don’t have any expectations, or requirements from my work, life, or school. Nothing HAS to happen except going to the bank and getting rent money.

I feel sort of free at the moment. I feel like I was in a rough, stormy sea, swimming and trying with all my strength to stay above water, and now it’s calm. I made it through, but I’m so exhausted all I can do it float and let the water take me where it wishes.

Right now I’m ok with just floating. Recovering.

I feel extremely low key. I don’t really want to be around many people. The idea of painting, headphones playing my music, doing a fairly repetitive, mindless task, sounds nice right now. Therapeutic even.

I should be testing for my aikido belt. That’s today. And if I go to the dojo in the next 30 minutes I could do it. But I’m not going to. Not today. I have no one to be there for me. I haven’t practiced my extra technique, and I know at least Sensei Jan, maybe Sensei Beata, would pick up on the fact that I’m still not fully balanced.

So no, not today. Maybe at the end of April.

That’s about it for an update.

Life is still moving forward, and even though I’m stumbling a little, I’m keeping up with it somehow. Go me.

Daily Post 0077: On the Subject of Homes…

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I’m about half way through Brisingr, which means I have 17 hours level left in the book. x.x

At least it’s a good book.

So I sort of got a jump start with Omnifocus today instead of waiting until tomorrow. Honestly, it was a pretty low key day overall. I woke up around 10 after an extremely deep and restful sleep. I think I was more tired than I realized.

I didn’t go to the gym today. And I don’t feel bad about it. Instead I did most of my weekend chores. No vacuuming, but I planned my meals, did grocery shopping, and completed my assignment (on time for once. I hate how this month most of them have been late). And I even got to stitch for a few hours while listening to my book.

Other things of note were:

Installed AVG on my desktop computer (138 threats found)
Researched ways to whiten my gi without using bleach
Researched now to properly fold my gi
Completed the last update to Rigbox Reborn – Curves Tool

I couldn’t get the desktop to connect to the Internet, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because our Internet is lame. I’ll check tomorrow to see if the scan fixed the spyware issues I was having with the browser. It would be awesome to have it back to its original state.

I talked with Grace. She got a job in the area so she’ll be staying in Orlando rather than in Miami with her family. We have plans for lunch on Sunday.

I did talk to Ashley about moving into the room. I’m going to wait until spring break to do it so I won’t be as rushed. That will give me a week to pack, paint, unpack, and get comfy. I like that idea so much more than trying to get everything done in a weekend along with homework.

So 3 weeks-ish and I’ll be in a new place.

I’m sort of nervous about it now. As far as I can tell, this will sort of be ‘permanent’. It’s going to be the first time in five years where I don’t have a time frame on when I have to leave. It’s not a lease that’s going to end. I don’t have to have a plan for where I’m going to go next. As far as I can tell the next ‘next’ will be when I’m moving to be with Mother Earth and J. Or possibly for a job opportunity I want to explore.

Part of me is unsettled by thinking of this new place as ‘home’.

I may say ‘home’ in my posts, as in, “I went home.” But if I’m honest I don’t think of this apartment as home. I think of it as a place I go to sleep. I think of it as where my food is at. Where Scarlet is.

It’s not really home, though. It never was. I knew I would only be here for roughly six months. Until the lease ended. There wasn’t a reason to get invested in it. And then Susan moved in and even though things are better, I won’t be sad to leave. I won’t feel bad about not being around a couple who are constantly doing coupley things.

Part of me wonders if that makes me heartless. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever be able to live alone again like I did when I first moved to Florida.

Part of me wonders if the whole concept of ‘home’ bothers me so much because I don’t want anything in Florida to be home. Pretty much my only tie to the area is the dojo. I can remember the posts to my Worpress, the conversations with Mother Earth, where I cried and said how alone I felt, how isolated, because none of my loved ones are near me here.

Why would I want such a lonely place to be home?

On the flip side… I’m supposed to be here for another four or five years. Isn’t that a long enough time to feel attached and rooted to the area your in?

Why do I have to have a confusing yarn ball of emotions inside of me over a four letter word?

Why can’t it be just a word for me? Why do I have to blow it out of proportion and attached super deep meaning to something that I causally type all the time.

“I went home.” But in my heart that’s not what I mean. This isn’t home. And I don’t think the new place will be home either. It’s just easier to type that than, “I went to the place where I sleep.”

And on that mildly depressing note I am going to go sleep. My bed is lonely and needs to cuddle.

Daily Post 0076: Saturday Bootcamp

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Today has been a day. Not overly productive, but there were some really cool things that happened.

I went to the dojo this morning. Woke up at 8, made it there by 10.

Sensei Jan had said the other night that there would be a guest sensei, a 6 Dan, teaching the class, for free, so it would be really awesome if I would be able to show up. To give you an idea of what 6 Dan means… There are essentially 14 levels in aikido, and this guys is level 12.

I’m level zero still. : D

I got to the dojo a little early, so I was actually able to help clean. I got to polish the wood of the shrine (not sure if that’s it legit name) in the dojo. I really liked that I was able to do something which I felt was important, and to help take care of the dojo in general. It really made me feel like I was part of it. Invested in it.

I don’t just show up and do a workout. I help clean and care for the space as well. There’s a part of me there and I like that.

Anyway… training for 3 hours without breakfast was totally not a smart idea. In fact 3 hours at all I’m pretty sure ranks up there with bootcamp. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.

The moves we were doing were pretty crazy. Definitely not beginner stuff. I felt bad that it was taking me a little while to get some of the moves. The hand work was so crazy, and then there was foot work to go with it, and then the pin at the end.

All of these steps that I have to remember, and just when I’m getting it I have to switch from being the attacker (uke) to being the defender (nage). Which means I’m doing a totally different routine, and then I’m back to being uke, so I have to remember the other set of motions.

I’m not going to lie. It was a lot. And in the beginning it was a little overwhelming. I kept thinking that showing up was a bad move. That I wasn’t ready for this. But I stayed, and the longer I was there the better I felt. I got to practice with Paul, and sensei Jan and Beata. They went slow with me and helped walk me through the moves, explaining what the hands were doing and why, how the feet should move and what would happen if they didn’t do the right thing.

It was really awesome.

I ended up learning how to do a ‘standing’ forward roll. I use the quotes because I was super low to the ground, but they were the highest rolls I’ve done so far, so I was totally proud with myself. It was also the first rolls I have done out of a technic and not just for practice.

That being said. Holy cow was I beat afterwards. I was so sweaty, hungry, and thirsty, and the only thing I did when I got home was get back into bed and not move while my muscles yelled at me for a while.

I ended up going back to sleep until 4ish.

I had a Skype meeting at 5pm that I needed to be awake for. So I got up, ate and poked around at a few things on the computer before that happened.

I was actually pretty nervous about the meeting. Ben had commented on one of my blogs in regards to the 30 Day Challenge I am doing, and wanted to talk about goals, swap information, and just in general get to know one another.

As an introvert I was cool with the idea of writing emails, but talking or using the web cam was so outside my comfort zone. I decided to do it though. I’m not sure why, but it felt like I should.

And I’m so glad I did. We talked about our experiences with goal mastery, our outlooks on life, our purpose, how we interact with the world around us, people we pull quotes and inspiration from. All sorts of deep things that most people aren’t interested in talking about.

It was such a fantastic conversation. It made me realize just how much I get done. It made me realize that I really do a lot of things, and I set a lot of goals that I actually achieve.

It was great being able to talk with another person who shares my outlook on life.

Very positive experience, and I’m glad I went out of my comfort zone.

After the conversation ended I had to get ready for work. Which is where I am at currently.

I have completed my sketch for my final assignment. Tomorrow I will be creating the images needed for it. I think I’m pretty done with today though. I’m still tired from the dojo. I’m sort of glad tomorrow is Sunday and that I can’t go there. I don’t know if I would survive.

Not sure if I’m going to do anything with the rest of my night. Enjoy it… I think I could muster up enough energy to do that at least.

Daily Post 0075: I Love My IF Project <3

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I’m still at work. I thought I was supposed to be here for SAL lab, but my calendar was wrong, so I ended up getting an extra four hours to my day. Huzzah! And I’ve spent in upstairs at work, working on my homework, totally alone and undisturbed. Double huzzah!

I didn’t get the project finished, but I love the way it’s coming out. Like, hardcore, zero fucks given about my grade, this is one of the best projects I’ve done level of proud. At least the best Photoshop assignment that I’ve done.

I’ll post it after writing.

Today was pretty alright. My shoulder blades are soooo incredibly sore from practicing my punches the other day. I had to deal with them complaining all day over any and everything I tried to do. Sort of lame, but they’re feeling better since I got to stretch at aikido.

My shin and left ankle have been bothering for the past few days, too… So of course I went running last night, because screw you body.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning. Instead I worked through my 30 Day Challenge stuff, then up graded and restructured OmniFocus. I think that was an ok thing though due to my physical form trying to fall apart on me. I’m actually wondering if two hours a day is a little extreme at the moment. Maybe I should back it down a bit?

I’m still mulling it over in my head.

Anywho, eventually I finished with OmniFocus, so I showered and went to my sports bar. I was a little nervous walking it. Part of me expected them to turn me away or something because of last Friday. My server was super happy to see me though.

She asked how I was feeling and was her pleasant self. I told her I was doing well and I gave her the card I bought from Walmart the other day. I asked if the manager was in because I had a card for him, too.

She said he was, and took the card to him for me. They both came back and were super appreciative. My server said it was the nicest, more genuine act anyone had ever done for her.

I hope random acts of kindness happen to her more often. She deserves them.

After catching up on emails and WordPress I ate then went to school where I worked on my homework until it was time for aikido.

Tonight was open mat, so I got to do my own thing. Sensei Jan and Beata were there. I got more help with my back rolls, which was awesome. I’m starting to really feel them, and how the energy moves through them.

I’m still not super awesome at it, but I can tell I’m getting better. I practiced some dynamic movements with Sensei Beata for a while as well. She was helping me work through the moves for my Kyu 6 test.

I’m eligiable for testing next weekend. I’m nervous about it. I want my mom or someone to be there for me. It’s always easier to do a test or performance when I know that someone is there for me, cheering me on.

I don’t know. And right now I’m sort of too tired to put much thought into it. I’m not all that interested in testing to be honest. I’m not doing it for a belt color.

Something Sensei Jan said tonight has sort of wormed it’s way into my brain, though. Both he and Beata constantly tell me how I’m advancing really fast. Jan said that I still am too gentle, soft. I don’t want to hurt anyone, which isn’t a bad thing, but my moves need to to have intention behind them. There needs to be energy.

He said once I get that, “once I come out of my shell” he said, I will be amazing. He said that once that happens, he will remind me about this conversation so I can remember how far I have come.

The ‘amazing’ comment is what keeps fidgeting and calling my attention.

What if I did become really good? Like, “to the level that I could teach” good?

There’s a part of my brain that is very still, very aware right now. There is something in me that connects with that idea on a very deep, super serious level. It’s not a joking, “ha ha I could teach”. It’s an, “I could teach…” A super soft, quiet realization.

If I practiced and kept at it, there’s no reason why I couldn’t. It’s sort of a mind blowing realization.

For right now I’m going to keep on doing my classes for Digital Arts and Design, and then Web Design most likely. After that Psychology and Sociology. Maybe after all of that schooling I’ll be ready to be a sensei myself.

The Earth Dragon in me is giving me knowing eyes. I think there is something there in that realization. I knew when I walked into the dojo that morning back in January that aikido was going to be a very large part of my life. I think I’m only now grasping just how big it could be.

I left the dojo so I could be at work on time, only to find out that I didn’t have to be here for lab. Which I was totally ok with because that meant I got to put in more time on my homework.

I talked to Ashley earlier. I’m allowed to start painting the room, but they haven’t cleared out any of Warren’s stuff, so I’ll need to do that before I can do anything else. Blah…

I talked to Sam and Tim, and they said they could help me move everything. Which would be great. Not sure when that’s going to happen. I’m going to have to see if I have enough money to get a UHaul for the furniture I want to get rid of. There’s the possibility that Joshua will let me leave the stuff I don’t want in the room until the end of the lease. He and Susan are going to be staying until the end of May. I suppose that’s something I can ask him about. It would be nice if I could do that. It would make it a bit easier.

Right now I’m writing this up before heading home to stitch. I want to get a bit done before calling it a night. But for the most part, today is done.

Daily Post 0074: A Little Less POed

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Today wasn’t a complete waste, though my morning / afternoon was for the most part. At least in comparison to what I had envisioned getting done.

After making my post I called my mom. Being nice and diplomatic just wasn’t cutting it for getting all the emotions of frustration, rage, and helplessness out. I told my mom that it sucked, so hardcore, to literally have no action that I could do to fix the issue.

I told her that at this point it would have been faster, and more secure, for Jon to have sent me the money in a non-descript envelop with an “I’m thinking of you” card. We’ve been trying for a solid week to find out information about the transfer from both of our banks. And they both seem to be content to point the finger at the other, as if they are bickering children looking to place the blame.

Will someone just man up and give me a course of action to find a solution? Really any information at all would be nice. Should I wait another couple of weeks? A month? A year? Would it have been that hard to give me a round about time frame?

At least then I would know to wait longer. Instead I told to do an action that has already been done. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result… I’m pretty sure there’s a really famous quote about that from a really smart person…

Could you have given me other options since I told you that one had been tried already, and hadn’t worked?

There were so many things that could have been done. Hell, I would have been ok if you had at least said something like, “I’m sorry for the trouble you are experiencing, however…”

At least then I would feel like you at least had compassion for not being able to help me. Instead I felt like I got the giant middle finger, again. And that’s what really sucks.

I love the tellers at my bank. I talk to one of the guys about Thundercats and Power Rangers because we’re both nerds. One of the ladies is pregnant and is due soon. She’s always so pleasant to me. I still see the guy who originally opened my bank account, all those three years ago.

However, every time, EVERY TIME, I have to go through customer service it is a nightmare. I never get my issue solved on the first call, and there has only been one time where I had a pleasant person on the other end, and that was only after having to go through an extremely rude and inconsiderate woman.

I went with Bank of America because South Carolina Federal isn’t in Florida. I can’t imagine why they’re not here… but it was more than a little annoying not having a bank that I could walk into.

So I thought switching banks would be a good idea. But which bank to choose?

It would be nice to have a bank that I could go to no matter where I was at. At home with mom, in Vegas with Jason, or anywhere else that I might travel to. I felt mildly patriotic that I went with Bank of ‘America’.

“‘Merica. Fuck yeah!”, sort of a thing.The person I talked to about opening an account was so nice to me, and answered all of my questions. At the time I felt this was a good choice. And like I said, I have nothing against my local bank.

I regret switching over though. I have been screwed over with overdraft fees because money wasn’t withdrawn by the automated systems when it was scheduled to. And when I brought up the fact that the $60 if fees I was charged was a bit unfair because the overdrafts resulted from an error in the system I was told that I needed to be more responsible with my money.

Why don’t you be responsible and have a system that does what it is supposed to do? Or own up to when it doesn’t work properly?

Or the three times that I have paid my balance due on my credit card, but it doesn’t clear properly so I am again hit with late fees…

Maybe the Universe is just picking on me in this regard and I shouldn’t take it personally. Maybe it’s just my bad luck to have these experiences consistently from this one particular company. Maybe I would have the same issues somewhere else.

I’m not going to stay to see if things get better though. I’m sad that I will be leaving my local bank. I like the people who work there and I feel like they actually care about me. But the company as a whole disappoints me and I’m not going to stay any longer than I have to.

So I had all of that floating around inside me for most of the day.

The only thing I really did this afternoon, before aikido, was go to Walmart. There were a few things there that I needed to pick up and I was going to be damned if I let BoA screw over my whole day.

The thought of going out wasn’t all that appealing. Knowing my luck I would get a crummy cashier and it would just egg me on with the whole “customer service sucks” mentality I had going on at the time.

I went though. And I got the cards for the server and manager at my sports bar. Since tomorrow is Friday, I plan to go there for lunch and wanted to be able to give them the thank you cards for how they handled the situation last week. I hope they’re both working tomorrow. XD

While I was at Walmart I got two new tops. I’m really liking the athletic style, sleeveless tops. So much so that anything with sleeves actually bothers me now. I had thought to ‘just look’ and see if there was anything interesting. Since it’s summer (Florida has no spring) I wanted to see if there was anything new that I might like.

There were two tops that were pretty awesome. One was a leaf green. Not spring green, super bright and vibrant. And not forest green, dark and regal. But a slightly dark, summer green. There was a purple top as well. So now I have a bit of a color selection for my tops. It’s not just black.

I have black, grey, blue, green, and purple. I need to find a red and I’ll be happy. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable in orange or yellow. Maybe a darker orange… As it is, the green will be new for me. Small steps I suppose.

Anywho… I got a pair of clip on sunglasses, too. My eyes thanked me for them when I drove home.

Once I got back to the apartment I still had no motivation for anything so I stitched and listened to my book.

I almost didn’t go to the dojo, but last minute I packed my bag and left the apartment. I’m so glad I did. Sensei Beata was teaching, so there was a lot of dynamic movement. Sensei Jan was my partner for most of the class. I don’t remember the name of the technique we practiced, but it was a very fluid movement. I liked the way it felt.

I went to the gym after the first class. Practicing had helped get pretty much all of the angst out of my system, so I needed some alone time. I got to the gym about 30 minutes before they closed so I was only able to get a .8 mile run it. I stretched a bit afterwards and listened to lots of music. I actually left my headphones in the whole way home.

Even when I got home I left my headphones in, dropped my stuff in the middle of the floor, and fell into bed for a good 30 minutes. Everything was working itself out internally, I just needed more time.

Scarlet jumped up onto the bed with me and we cuddled for a while.

Eventually I needed to eat, so I washed the dishes in the sink and cooked dinner.

Once I got done cooking / eating I started working on the other script I wanted to create. And I’m super pleased to report that I’ve already completed it. That means there’s just one more section that I need to tweak a little bit and I can post my script online.

The last section won’t take long at all since all I’m doing is changing up the interface a little. The overall functionality will be unchanged.

I’m most likely going to listen to more of my book and stitch for the rest of the evening. I’m about halfway done with this project, so I’m feeling pretty good about getting it done on time. That will leave me open to being able to work on the commission piece I have.

Oh, one last thing.

I got a giant bottle of Gatorade yesterday, a 2 quart bottle. I haven’t been staying hydrated like I aught to be, so I got the bottle to help combat that.

New Rule: Drink at least one bottle worth of water every day.

I drank all of the Gatorade yesterday, so this morning I filled it up with water. I’m happy to announce that I have already had one full bottle and am about halfway through my second fill up. Take that dehydration. In your face!

In retrospect, today wasn’t all that bad, and I might have been in the wrong for making my post. Regardless of right and wrong, I’m still leaving BoA, today eventually got better, and life has moved on. Time for some relaxation.

Daily Post 0073: So This is Late…

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I was supposed to make this post this morning, but if you’ve read my previous post, you know that this morning turned into a shit-tastic cluster fuck of frustration.

I still haven’t done my 30 Day Challenge assignment. In fact I have done very little today aside from not destroying stuff, which is a huge accomplishment in my book. I’ll keep holding the course. You know… take one for the team and all.

So here’s the run down of yesterday, and I’ll maybe, eventually, at some point get around to not being pissed off with my day.

The Awesomeness of Yesterday

Before I get to my stitching I suppose I should do this. Not like I haven’t been spamming the Internet all day with mindless stuff…

I cooked breakfast this morning and had my coffee while checking emails. I wrote a quick update from last night since I felt that writing wasn’t as complete as it should have been. I’m not sure I really should have posted last night, but alas, there is nothing I can do about it now.

I wrote my 30 Day Challenge post. There actually wasn’t much to do today. There first few days are pretty intense, or at least they can be. There’s a lot of soul searching and figuring yourself out. There’s still going to be a bit of that, so it’s nice to have a ‘breather’.

I won’t really write more about it, since I wrote several pages worth of ranting for what I think about Day 6. After posting I went to the gym where I ran a 17 minute mile. It was an awesome run. I’m super happy with it.

After running I practiced my punches for Taekwondo along with my first form. I think I keep messing it up though. I also practiced my side and round house kicks. There was a bunch of stretching and yoga involved, too.

After showering I went to school where I made a cute little comic about an email with my instructor. It happened a few days ago, but I finally got over my fear to make the comic. I sent it to him, so we’ll see what he thinks. XD

Once the comic was done I ran to Publix since I didn’t really have food on me. I got a summer roll with a sweet tea. Because I had gone grocery shopping so early in the morning on Monday there hadn’t been any sushi trays put out yet. So I made up for that today.

When I came back to school Kalel was sitting on a bunch outside on of the labs. He was eating before going back to work, so I sat with him while I ate as well. We talked about a handful of things, it was an overall pleasant interaction. I’m glad I sat with him.

Eventually we got tired of talking about the work environment and decided we should both get back to what we had been doing. So I went back upstairs to my little corner.

I think of it as mine now even though it is a ‘communal’ spot.

No one goes there. I’ve moved things around to make it ‘my’ space. I want to take a power cord in so it’s easier to set up my laptop. I want to pin inspirational sayings to the walls as well. I want to make it mine for real.

So that’s stewing in my brain.

Anyway, I went back to ‘my’ desk, and read all of the stuff for the quiz this week, then took the quiz and got a 90. After that it was time to head out to the dojo for aikido open class.

Sensei Jan was teaching tonight! Yay! It was a really good class. A lot of the moves I had never done before, but everyone was super helpful and I picked them up fairly fast.

When I was leaving Sensei Beata mentioned that if I wanted to meet during the week to practice that she would train with me. She didn’t want me to stop training because my work schedule wouldn’t allow me to get to the dojo next month.

She said that I am mapping the moves extremely well and advancing faster than what they are used to seeing. She said that she couldn’t promise to make it every day, but that to let her know what my schedule was and we could work something out.

I can’t put into words how amazing it was to hear that. Sensei Jan and Beata are so fantastic and accepting of me. When we talk it’s like I’ve known them for years. Like we’re old friends. There’s just something about them that makes me feel safe and understood.

Side note: I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this (int he billions of pages I write…), but Jan and Beata are married.

I can’t believe that they want to go out of their way to make sure I am able to train. It’s more than training for me. In such a short time I have latched onto it, and aikido is one of the things I refuse to compromise on now. I was seriously wondering how I was going to survive next month because I as so angry that I felt like I had to give it up. Even if it’s for such a sort amount of time, I get so much fulfillment and self-satisfaction from it, that I don’t want to go without it.

I know that’s not fair of me. I know my schedule changes every month and that some months I work 5pm, while other months I work 5am. That’s my job. That’s what I agreed to. It’s not fair of me to be angry over it.

But I am. I want to go to the dojo because it makes me a better person. I want to go as often as I am physically able to be there.

I was trying to work it out in my head. I was trying to figure out how I could do both work, and aikido so I could have my paycheck and get fulfillment, too. But I couldn’t find a solution, and I was angry and frustrated. It felt like being stuck in the ‘terrible twos’ phase. I had a plan, I was executing my plan, then the plan got interrupted and my brain couldn’t figure out a way around it, so the only thing I knew how to do was be angry.

Luckily I was able to keep the kicking and screaming contained within my head. I think I would have worried Joshua if I had thrown a legit fit.

But Sensei Beata and Jan have come and saved the day. I now have an answer to my thwarted plan. Even if it is only a couple times a week, it would be amazing. I’m so honored and grateful for Sensei Beata to even think I am worth training. I’m sure she doesn’t do this for everyone.

I feel loved and like maybe next month won’t suck so bad after all. I can have my job and aikido, and I can keep being happy and not feel like I’m giving up a part of myself. It felt like it was coming down to picking between aikido and work, and for a while I was thinking about letting aikido win. I seriously like it that much.

So needless to say, that totally made my whole night, day, week, month. I’m not dreading next month now. A tension as been eased and I can breathe normally again.

Once I left the dojo I went back to work. I was still in my gi pants, workout top, gross and sweating from kicking ass and taking names, but I didn’t care. I wanted to work on my block out for this weeks assignment. So I had left all of my stuff at work so I could finish that off before going home.

There was a group of students in the lobby; Marc, Nicole, Desiree, and a handful of others. They mentioned wanting a lab to work in, but because of the events going on at school, there aren’t going to be any open labs until Friday.

I offered to open one of the labs for them to work in since I was going to be on campus anyway. I actually opened the Finals lab, which was so nostalgic for me. I spend literally 4 months in that room, working on all of the assets on my demo reel, and a few that aren’t. I got to sit at my old computer desk. It was like nothing had changed.

It was very comforting. I set up my laptop just like I had when I was a student, only instead of rigging, I had my massive tablet in my lap, sketching and coloring away. It was nice. Familiar, but different. It made me aware of how much I have grown, how much I have traveled over the past three years.

I feel like I’m doing really well with this new assignment. I’m going to use it as a way to study musculature. I think that will give the composition a better connection to the word ‘strong’.

I posted my WIP image to Facebook and WordPress since I’m so pleased with it. Totally shameless about how much I like it at the moment.

I posted my Push Goal Promise to Facebook afterwards, so that’s done and I can stop stressing over it. I’ve gotten some really supportive comments. I replied to all of my emails. I downloaded an app that Jon wants me to get. I showered. I ate…

And I’m back to being tired. It’s 1am. I don’t know if I have it in me to stitch. I actually didn’t stitch at all this morning even though I said I was going to. I think I can not beat myself up over it though.

I got so much done today. I’m going to let myself be happy about that.

Daily Post 0072: I Promise I’m Awake Now

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This morning is better than last night. I feel rested. I’m not sure when I went to sleep. I know I fell asleep with the laptop in my lap. I know I did because I woke up that way. I had been trying to edit my previous post for errors, but after realizing that I, literally, couldn’t keep myself awake I closed the laptop, put it on my desk, and went to sleep for real.

I know I had a dream. I don’t remember what it was about, but I know there was blood it in. A wound of some sort, and I remember being confused about it. I didn’t feel pain, but there was so much blood.

I haven’t been awake for very long, so there’s not much to talk (type) about. Scarlet is next to me being adorable. I’ve already had my breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, salsa, and chedder cheese. I’m working on my cup of coffee, and my vitamin has been vanquished.

I feel like I should go over yesterday again because my post last night was so agitated and, in a way, tainted. I want to set that right before moving forward.

Yesterday was a productive day. I got most of the walk cycle blocked out in the animation. Tre said that it felt sort of ‘toy’ like which I feel has to do with timing and spacing. The arms move too far for the amount of time that I have given the action. This makes the character feel ‘light’ because it is moving in a way that seems to be relatively fast.

If I make the arms move less, and make them move over a greater length of time, it will feel heavier, as if the character has more weight. Heavy things tend to be slower.

It’s fun to think about things like that. I’m playing around with a 3D character. There is no weight. There is no substance. I am creating an illusion through movement. I am creating my own world. I love it. It makes something inside me extremely happy.

I know I mentioned my fear over starting the animation. That fear, that primal urge to run away, was very real and I almost messaged Tre saying that with my work load I wouldn’t be able to do work on the project, just for a reason to back out of it. But I didn’t, and I’m glad I didn’t.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy animation. I had forgotten that if I ever end up working at a studio that I want to be a Technical Animator.

I had forgotten how much fun I had creating my first ever animation when I took 3D Foundations.

I forgot there is a reason Elieen still shows my Juice Box animation. And my lip sync animation. It’s because they came out really well, so she shows them as examples of what previous students were able to accomplish.

I had forgotten how I was going to create a second reel after my graduation, animating all of my characters on my own so I could have a rigging / animation reel.

I had forgotten a lot of things in the face of Fear and Time, and I’m glad I was able to remember all of those things.

So that was a pretty huge step in a positive direction for me. I finished another script, which is super, uber fantastic. I totally gave myself a high five.

Finishing a project would turn the end of the world into a good day for me. I love those feelings of accomplishment.

I got to see Sensei Beata and Jan yesterday, and Richard, Mr. Butterfly. I was only able to stay for one class, but I’m glad I went. I felt a bit lame for having not made it to the gym. I am supposed to be trying to put in two hours each day, one for the dojo and one for the gym. But not sleeping well throws everything off. I’m glad I was able to get through as much as I did with how tired I felt all day.

Those were really the main events of yesterday. I cooked some broccoli. I cut up some chicken to marinate, so I’ll be cooking that later today. I plan to make some chocolate covered almonds.

I need to do my reading for school, and block out the colors for my IF assignment. I didn’t stitch last night, but because today is a low key day, no labs so it’s basically a day off, I am going to stitch before starting the reading.

I’m supposed to run a mile today, which might happen before I do anything else, and then there’s aikido open class at 7 followed by weapons at 8. I’m going to stay for both I think. I would really like working with the bokken more, though I’m not sure if that’s what we’ll actually be learning.

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. Leave it to me to write two pages worth of, “The only thing I did today was wake up.”

I’m off to do things, and stuff, and more things.

*Bows* Domo arigato gozaimashita!

Daily Post 0071: My Eyes Don’t Want to Stay Open

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I suppose I should write. But that means thinking, and that sounds really lame right now.

Today was busy, a little overwhelming at the end. But overall a good day. A productive day.

I woke up at 7am with my alarm. My phone survived the ordeal, so the day was off to a great start. Sadly I was still crazy tired. It was hard for me to fall asleep for some reason. I think I only got around 4 hours of sleep.

I went back to sleep until 8. At least I think it was 8. Maybe it was closer to 9. I don’t remember the morning all that well. Eventually there was coffee and coherent thoughts.

I made my Push Goal promise today. This is the part that’s hard for me. The first time I did this challenge I was literally sick after making the post on Facebook. My anxiety over what people would think was that bad.

It is still hard to post things like that, but I am learning how to handle the confusing yarn ball of emotions generated by actions like that better.

I posted my concept sketch for my assignment this week.

I left the apartment around 10am to do laundry. It was a late start, and it sort of threw off the rest of my day, but I was still so tired. Everything felt heavy, fuzzy. Everything took so much effort.

I got caught up on my WordPress reading while laundry was going. I made a post for the Daily Prompt. I replied to a few blogs. I was supposed to go to the gym, but I didn’t.

I came home and worked on my script. I actually got the second part complete, so there’s only one more section I want to fix up now. Then I can put it online. It would be fantastic if I could do that by this weekend.

I worked on Tre’s animation for a while. I was having hardcore anxiety over that. I know it’s silly. But I was worried about it. I haven’t animated anything in three years. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I had forgotten everything and that I would completely suck at it.

I was slow at first, but I didn’t suck. My workflow is getting faster, and I like how the animation is turning out. I sent Tre and WIP video and we had some good back and forth feedback. So I have a more solid direction to go in. It’s not just me hoping it turns out right.

Despite the rough start, I’m glad that I worked on the animation. I’m glad I didn’t save it as the last thing for my day. Working on it proved that I can overcome fear, because that’s all it was. Silly, irrational Fear, annoyingly whispering in my head.

Fuck you, Fear. I’ll show you who’s boss.

After a few hours I took a break, which turned into an hour nap. I think I seriously needed it. I don’t think I would have been able to make it through my lab without it.

When I woke up I animated more. I went to the dojo at 7. Before I left Joshua said that I had mail. One of the Taekwondo books had been delivered, so I was able to take that with me and give it to Alejandro. I hope mine comes in soon.

Sensei Jan was the instructor tonight. We ran through the 6 Kyu  requirements since I am up for testing this month.

I don’t think I’m going to though. I don’t think I will feel ready. I’m really not interested in testing at the moment to be honest. I would like for my mom to be there, which wouldn’t be possible at the end of this month. So it might be a little while before I actually test. That just means I’ll completely ace it when I do take it.

Anyway, class was pretty awesome. I’m glad I went.

I came back home, showered, then went into work which had me bouncing around non-stop, which is where things got dicey. I was tired. I wanted to be left alone, but not only were there my normal students for lab, but Rhonda, Nicole, and Desiree all came in and had questions, too.

I wanted to be alone because I was tired and everything was draining. I wanted to shift through my thoughts. I wanted to work on my rig, or the other part of the script. I have reading to do for school.

And I know right now it’s just because I’m tired that things are bothering me. Like how Joshua and Susan keep all of there shoes at the front door, which wouldn’t be bad except that the front door opens up to a hallway, not an expansive room, so I have to trip over their shoes every time I come home to get to my room.

Any other night I wouldn’t care, but right now I’m frustrated by it because it would have been nice to have been able to open the door fully instead of having to squeeze into the apartment because the shoes wouldn’t let the door open all the way.

It would have been nice to have my last hour of work in solitude so I could decompress from so much social stimulation, but I didn’t get that hour. Matthew stayed because he was having some issues with his rig.

I totally didn’t mind helping him out, and I enjoyed the conversation, but it wasn’t restorative silence like what I wanted. I didn’t get to do any of my reading.

I’m tired and the only things I can think of are the things I didn’t get to. The things I didn’t solve.

I tried going to the bank this morning, before laundry. Jon said that the money has already been withdrawn from his account and that his bank said it was up to my bank to figure out the issue of the money not showing up.

So I went to my bank and told the lady about the issue. Without any information there wasn’t much she could do. So I messaged Jon to get the confirmation number. Which I still haven’t gotten from him yet.

It’s just frustrating.

Today was a pretty awesome day so I don’t know why right now I’m so frustrated with it. I really aught to just go to sleep and do this again in the morning when I can think clearly instead of in a cloud of pissed off because I’m forcing myself to stay awake.

Daily Post 0065: Quick Update

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I feel like I should make a quick post since the one from last night was so rough. Emotions tend to bleed all over everything when I get that exhausted.

Things are going well this morning. I have had my coffee, and might actually be terri-bad and have another cup. I’ve poked through my emails, though I haven’t checked up on Facefail yet. I know I have some messages there that need to be responded to.

I suppose I should make a disclaimer that Facebook is more of a professional avenue for me, rather than looking at cat pictures. Not saying that doesn’t happen… who can resist adorable cat pictures?

But Facebook is an aspect of my ‘work’ life rather than personal life. At least in many cases it is. I have messages from students needing help or wanting to set up a time for tutoring. So checking Facebook gets added to the list of “Check work email”, “Clock in so you get paid”. It’s one of those types of tasks for me.

So that needs to happen at some point, soonish, so I can see the landscape of the day.

Today is a run day, so I will be doing that shortly. It’s another .5 mile. My shin splints are pretty much gone. It’s fantastic to be walking without pain again.

I get to meet with Tre for the Google Hangouts thing. I meet with Ashley to see the room. I have SAL at 9pm. I need to work on the blockout for my IF (Illustrator Friday) Challenge.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned that too much, so I’ll write about it when I post my image. I want to make some more headway on my Maya scene as well. But overall I don’t think today is going to be super crazy.

The only things school wise I have left for this week are my two art assignments, which literally are just time. I have to do the work in order for them to get done.

I’m not sure if I’ll make it to aikido tonight. I’m starting to realize that the 9pm schedule sucks for the dojo. Last month was so much better in regards to doing both the gym and making it to the dojo classes I wanted to.

Not really sure what else to write. Just felt the need to let the internet know that I really am ok. I made it home in one piece and I’m feeling better now that I have slept.

And just because cat pictures were mentioned. Here’s some cuteness for your day.

cat

Daily Post 0064: So Done

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It’s the end of the day again. 1am.

Tired doesn’t even begin to describe it. My eyes hurt from trying to keep them open. I went to sleep around 4am and woke up at 7:30 to do laundry. I’m glad I did. There weren’t many people there so early. I got to wash my sheets, and gi, and cloths.

I stayed at work late last night, after I got done writing, and finished off most of the grading. I still need to do a weekly recap. I don’t think I have it in me right now.

I’m most likely going to be jumping around on everything floating around in my head, and writing run on sentences of doom. At least worse than I normally do. It’s from the tiredness and how my thoughts are flowing at the moment, and I don’t have it in me to care or the will to endure the guilt of not writing.

So I’m going to write, and it’s most likely going to be a bit of a crazy, wandering, unorganized post, but there you go. At least it’s happening and I’ll be able to actually sleep rather than having my brain poke at me with a stick.

So yeah. I got most of the grading done, which is why I was so late getting home. I finished the grading while I was washing laundry. I replied to some comments on ConceptShare.

When I came home I put the cloths away. I vacuumed my room, which was awesome. I haven’t gotten around to doing it the past few weekends so it was starting to really bother me. I straightened up my desk.

I talked to my mom for about an hour. Nothing important or major. Just chatting.

I made sure I was still supposed to meet with Sabrina at 5pm. I wrote a post for the Daily Prompt, which was nice. I started the reading for my class.

Oh, I also started modeling the scene for my Project 2 assignment last night, before going to sleep. I’ll post that so I can track the progression of the project. It’s going to be fun.

So yeah, I posted a screenshot of that, which resulted in some pretty awesome comments. There was a lot of commenting today. A lot of sitting at the computer and typing.

I ended up trying to nap for about an hour. Didn’t really sleep, just rested. Before napping I had tried to figure out the issue with Rhonda’s rig. I couldn’t get it. I tried creating the system in two different versions of Maya and it just wasn’t working for either of us.

I messaged Ken about it to see if he had any suggestions. He said to send him the file and he would take a look at it.

So after that I was ready for a break from the day. Which I took one with my ‘nap’. I knew that I still had things that needed to get done, but I also knew that if I kept pushing that I would be useless for my lab.

So I rested.

I got up at 4ish and showered. I cut up an apple with some almond butter and honey, along with a shake and protein bar. My dinner for the night. I packed my gym bag too for aikido. There was a fundamentals class at 7pm.

The issue Sabrina was having was super easy to fix, which was awesome. We got to chat for a bit and show off the different projects we’re both working on.

After she left I finished off the reading assignments and took the quiz. 100% this time. /flex

I ended up not going to aikido. Instead I stayed at school and attended a webinar for my class. I got to talk to my professor and it was actually pretty cool. I got to interact with a handful of my classmates who I’ve only ‘spoken’ to through comments. It helped make me feel connected to them.

So that was cool, and honestly with how tired I already was I just wasn’t up for aikido today. I miss Sansei Jan and Beata though. I haven’t seen them in what feels like forever.

After the webinar I worked on my Project 2 more. I have to update my software because it keeps crashing on me. So much lame. I did make some progress though. So I suppose I can post two images. Or maybe I’ll just save that for tomorrow because I honestly don’t feel like thinking that much right now.

Lab was busy as usual. Lots of good stuff though. This class is doing really well. All of the projects were in the A range.

There was a girl from the SAL lab who came in and asked for my help with a few things. That made me feel good. I know the extra help means a lot to her.

I talked to Ashley earlier. I am going to be meeting with her tomorrow to look at the room. That will be nice to do. I also meet with Tre to try to figure out how to incorporate Google Hangouts into the PCC Critiques so the online students can also participate.

He graduates at the end of the month. That is a heavy fact for me, and with the rest of the weight of the day I don’t want to shoulder it. I don’t want it to be real right now.

He has become one of my friends. I talked to him about Jarrett and Sir. He’s a confidant for me. And he will be leaving. It sucks.

I don’t feel like being emo right now so I suppose I should shift my thoughts.

Oh. Ken got back to me about the issue with Rhonda’s rig. It was a super silly issue and I felt terrible for having missed it on my own. Literally all we had to do was change one thing from a 0 to a 1. Sooo much fail. >.<;

I was glad he was able to figure it out though. Rhonda hasn’t responded to me, but I’ll catch her tomorrow and we can get the issue resolved in her file.

There was something else… but I lost the thought…

Ari wants to hang out again. So going to try to find a way to not have to do that.

Sam is having issues at work. She was telling me just the other night how they were going to train her to be a cashier because they love her work ethic and it would give her way more hours.

Today I got a message from her saying that her store was closing, and if I knew of any place that was hiring.

That seems so unfair to me. She’s such an awesome person. I wish I could help her. I told her I would keep my eye out and let her know of any opportunities that I find. I also said she could use me as a reference.

It feels like I did so much more than that, but when looking at it on paper it doesn’t seem like all that much.

I cooked the chicken I bought the other night. But that was really just putting a pan in the oven for an hour while I sat at the computer.

Blah. I’m going to go home. I need to start Tre’s cross stitch soon. I need to do that before he leaves.