I feel like that’s what I keep doing. I fix one imbalance only to have it be replaced with another.

I’ve had a lot of imbalance recently which has kept me from writing. I’ve felt unmotivated to do it. I haven’t wanted to look at why I felt bad. I didn’t want to lance my wounds because I knew it would hurt even though I knew in the long run it would be for the best.

I’ve just been sort of ignoring it, which I totally recognize in myself. It’s what I do. I keep going for as long as I can with this emotional injury until it gets to the point where I can’t ignore it. Usually there’s a breakdown involved. Some giant reaction that leaves me drained and spent for days, sometimes weeks. Lots of solitude is needed to recover. I normally hibernate alone, avoiding people because they don’t understand the emotions or their intensity.

They ask what’s wrong, when really what I need is for them to carry on as normal. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want attention drawn to it. I want life to move forward, not to dwell on the fact that I’m not ok.

No. I’m not ok. But life keeps moving. The world still spins. Traffic still sucks at 5pm. The day isn’t going to stop simply because I feel bad. So don’t stop or change either. If I need to talk about it I will. Otherwise just keep going.

Stealing a line from a blog I follow here. Sorry if I bleed on you a little bit. How rude of me to have this hole in my chest that I’m clutching and trying to not make a mess everywhere with my emotions. But it’s a gaping wound, so really I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

I’m going to bleed, and it’s going to be a little messy, and if you don’t want to deal with getting bled on that’s fine. I understand and respect that some people aren’t good at helping others through their pain. I understand it makes others uncomfortable and sometimes people don’t want to deal with it. I get it. Really, I do. Don’t make me feel worse for hurting just because you don’t want to empathize.

I guess that was a tangent. Right now I’m a mix of anger which is external, and hurt which is internal. I keep flipping between the two.

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 The Story So Far

I wrote about how Mother Earth broke up with me. I understand why. I don’t blame her for doing it. It hurt through. I felt, and still feel, dirty. As if I were dropped to the ground.

I still feel like I’m sitting in my cave, hugging my knees.

I don’t feel it is right of me to still be a maid of honor. I don’t feel honorable. I don’t feel like I should be in that position when I’m covered in dirt. I feel like things are unresolved between Mother Earth and I and that makes me withdrawal into myself. It makes me want to hide away because that’s easier than confronting the emotions.

She text me asking if I was still planning on coming to the wedding, if I still wanted to be her maid of honor.

I had been thinking about this very thing for days. Since she broke up with me.

How was I supposed to do it? How could it ever be right with the way the situation turned?

I thought about it, and tried to see it from different sides.

I replied back saying that I felt like there was still discord between us. That I was worried if I went to Texas that things would be awkward, and that I was uncomfortable with the idea of being her maid of honor now, and I didn’t know how to change those feelings.

She replied saying that she would not force me to do something that I did not want to do, and to let her know if I wished to step down from being her maid of honor.

I replied back saying I did wish to step down.

She thanked me for letting her know, and said for me to have a good day.

I feel tangled. I feel awful. I feel relieved. I feel like I’m a terrible person and that I ruined Mother Earth’s wedding. I feel worse because I feel like I made the right choice for me. I feel like I’m being selfish. I feel like maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s hard to be with. Maybe it’s my fault my relationships get messed up. It’s my fault they fail.

I’m angry at the Universe because it feels like it never leaves me alone. For once can I not hurt those I care about?

I hurt because a loved one hurts.

I hurt because I want things to be different. I hurt because I know I’m picking myself.

This is how things are. I am in control of my own actions and feelings. I am here, in this moment. I acknowledge my emotions. I respect them, and understand where they came from and why there are here.

I will not look at the past. I will not fret or worry about the future. I will focus here, now, because that is all I have.

Time is neither positive or negative. It simply is. It exists. I choose to exist with it. I have today, and only today. I used to think that every morning when I woke up. Every morning I would remind myself how I only had today, and that every action should reflect that. But I haven’t said that to myself in a while now. I’ve been going day-to-day hoping tomorrow will be better, when I don’t have tomorrow.

Tomorrow isn’t promised to me any more than it’s promised to anyone else.

I have the here and now, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to let it go. I want to live fully in this moment, in every moment, because it is the only moment I have.

I’m proud that I went to the gym today. After the messages with Mother Earth I stayed in bed. I was tired. My body ached. Scarlet was cuddled against me. There were all of these reasons to not move. It would have been so much easier to not go. To just let time slide over me until I had to get up for work.

But I didn’t do that. I got up. I packed my gym bag. I went to the gym, and I had a pretty shitty workout, but at least I had one. I showered and did all of the things to get ready for work that I didn’t want to do.

I went and had lunch even though I didn’t want to eat.

And I made it to work on time even though I thought about calling out.

I’ve checked my email. I’ve replied to messages. I’m on top of all of my school work. Look at me adulting and shit.

I’m doing well today. I’m moving forward one hard, bloody, agonizing step at a time. And at the moment that’s where the story ends. The heroine stumbling along, wounded but not defeated. Another battle of life survived with new scars to tell the tale.

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 Next Month

When I got into work Clavan told me he was able to get the schedule changed. CRI1 will be held in a powered lecture hall, just like the Shading and Lighting class is during some months. This means that there will be only one lab group instead of three.

So Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I will be working 5am until 9am. That’s super early in the morning, but it’s one lab. I can go to the gym afterwards, and I can go to aikido at 7pm. I will also have time for admin hours so I can have more time for homework.

Shading and lighting will be Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays 9am to 1pm. Again I will still be able to do the gym and aikido.

I’ll be able to pay off over half of my Care Credit credit card. I should be able to have that paid off by July. I should be able to get new running shoes. I should be able to take my 6 kyu test for aikido. I should be able to go back to taekwondo. I should be able to finish reading Brsinger. I should be able to do a few cross stitchings.

Next month should be a good month.

I’m hoping with every fiber of my body that it is. I’m hoping it stays the way it seems to be inside of my head. I’m hoping that I have survived March, April, and May, and that June will be the calm. The recharge. The solitude. The focus.

I’m hoping I don’t get sick again. I’m hoping I actually finish that podcast that I started I don’t even remember how long ago.

I’m hoping. I have this light at the end of this really long dark tunnel and I want so badly for it to be sunlight. I want it so badly to be warmth and summer. I want it to be the forest surrounding my cave and that when I step outside things will be ok. Things will be better as long as I keep crawling and stumbling. As long as I keep moving to that light things will be ok.

That’s what I’m hoping for the most right now.

I’m hoping things will be ok.