career

MUSING MOMENT 129: LFTIO – STORY 3

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 6.3
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”




For the 2-3 most impactful and formative experiences and / or relationships, tell the entire story here: 


Story 3 – The Middle of Nowhere

The first few years after my mom’s death were hard for me. I had lost my strongest support structure, I had lost the relationship I had been in, I had lost my home due to losing that relationship, and I had left my career.

Essentially, everything I had been using to identify who I was had been taken away from me. I was no longer a teacher. I was no longer a girlfriend. I was no longer anything, and so I found myself with a vast expanse of nothingness within myself. A never-ending plane of smooth unmarred whiteness where once there had been “me”, or what I had felt was me.

I found myself in a phase I had never been before. Building. Who did I want to be? What did I want to be? What did I stand for? Why was I alive? What was my purpose, my reason for waking up each day knowing that mom was dead?

It took a while, but eventually, slowly, one day at a time, one breath at a time, I found myself. I found the answers to my questions and with each answer, a brick was laid on the plane of whiteness. A foundation, solid and unshakeable. I was going to be me and I was going to live my life and Life couldn’t stop me from doing it. I wouldn’t let it stop me.

During the first year, I obtained an apartment. Though it never felt like home, it was mine and I no longer had to worry about where I would be sleeping at night. I began taking classes as a way to get my foot into the medical field. I took a nursing assistant class though I never became state certified. The thought of succeeding at something while mom wasn’t there to celebrate with me was still too much to face at the time. I took an EKG class as well as a phlebotomy class where I overcame my fear of blood and needles. Eventually, I interviewed with DaVita. When asked if I felt dialysis was something I could do, I replied with, “I honestly don’t know. But I can promise that I’ll try my best and in the end, that’s all I can do; my best.”

I made it through the Star Learning program; two months of training where I was taught about dialysis and the skills I would need as a patient care technician. Once I was through training I began working full time at the downtown Orlando clinic. As time went on I became a stronger member of my team.

On a personal level, I began going to fitness boxing classes as a way to deal with the strong emotions of my grief. That led to joining a dojo where I learned jiujitsu techniques along with Muay Thai. Martial arts gave me a way to connect with myself. It gave me a new circle of people to interact with and a common interest to bond over. I met several key people in my life during this time which helped build me up as a person. They helped me discover things about myself and the type of person I not only wanted to be, but continue being as well. More bricks to add to my foundation.

During this time of growth and discovery, there were also negatives. I began working 12 – 16 hour days since that’s how the clinic was run. My time at the dojo and the gym became less and less. My roommate was consistently unable to pay rent and I found myself donating plasma as a way to keep making ends meet. I had to drive past my old place of employment nearly every day, a reminder of the emotional pain I had experienced and was continuing to go through, along with previous apartments which had harbored abusive relationships.

While there were positive aspects of my life in Florida, there were also negatives and while I felt this need to “get away” and start over, I didn’t know how. Where would I go? What would I do? How would I move all of my stuff? How would I afford the move when I already struggled with rent and personal bills?

It was a situation where there was so much to figure out it was easier to just stay where I was and accept that life just sort of sucked and would suck for the next while.

During the second Christmas without mom, against all financial logic, I rented a room at an extended stay for a week, packed up my computer, took time off from work, and spent a week alone, away from all of the stressors in my life. I renewed my subscription to World of Warcraft and spent a majority of the week inside my room playing the game with my younger brother.

It was the week of my birthday and this was my birthday gift to myself; surviving and getting through one of the hardest times of the year without having to worry about my roommate’s dirty dishes being in the sink or the endless piles of dog fur floating around the apartment. No patients or teammates to explain my sadness to. Just me and an imaginary world where I could run around and blow up bunnies or pick flowers if I wanted to.

During this week there was a guildmate I began talking to. Through the course of our conversation my discontent for Florida came out and how I wanted to move but didn’t know where I would go and all of the other unknowns that went with the concept of moving.

“Well, Lincoln is pretty much the opposite of all of that,” was his reply to my story.

Though I didn’t know it at the time, a seed had been planted. The name of a town led to an InDeed search for job opportunities. Seeing opportunities led to looking for my own company in the area. That led to receiving the blessing from my former FA to reach out to the FA’s in Lincoln. That led to a trip to Nebraska and an interview, which led to moving halfway across the country to start my own life in the middle of nowhere.

There were people who thought moving was a bad idea. There were people who thought it was a good idea. And then there was me. Lost. Confused. Caught somewhere in the middle. Unhappy but not sure if moving was the right choice to make or not.

I would be leaving my brother. My clinic. My patients. My friends. My dojo. The last remnants of my old life. And I would be leaving for what? A possibility of things getting better? A “maybe life won’t suck as bad”? I didn’t even know if I would have a job when I got there. It was just a promising interview and knowing that medical areas usually had a need somewhere. Did I want to leave everything I knew and trade it all for some unknown leap of faith here I hoped I landed on my feet across this giant chasm?

Would I regret not moving and trying to make it work if I were to die tomorrow?

Maybe a little stark and morbid as far as a decision-making process goes, but one of the final things mom taught me was that life is short. I’m not ok with arriving at my death and regretting my choices, so if I were to die, would I regret moving or not moving more?

After sitting and thinking about my answer, I realized my answer. Yes. Yes, I would regret not moving. I would regret not trying. I would regret not knowing if it had been the best decision I could have made for myself, or the worst one where I would have to figure out, once again, how to recover from a mistake.

So I moved.

Because I moved I am in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Because I moved I now have a renewed sense of family and belonging and home. Because I moved I have grown as a PCT. I am now a CCHT and NFACT certified. I am a CNA on the Nebraska registry and about to begin LPN classes with plans to continue to on to RN. I have attended Academy and plans are being laid for me to become a preceptor for my clinic. Because I moved I have floated to six other clinics and met the patients and teammates of my region.

Because I moved I can hear coyotes at night and see the stars filling the sky. I have found a dojo where I feel I belong and can continue to train.

Because I moved I’ve actually have had the time and space to make real peace with my grief.

So many of the positive events which have happened in my life can be traced back to that one week in the extended stay. So much of my life can be attributed to my choice to venture into the scary unknown and I wouldn’t trade any part of it for the world.

Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.

Daily Post 130: Square One

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A lot has happened in the past 24 hours.

I worked at the Dodge clinic today in Fremont. Patient census said I should have left about 10:20. At 10:50, though, five patients were going to end their treatment within 6 minutes of each other. Since the FA was there I asked her what she wanted me to do. I didn’t want to leave and have my remaining teammates be screwed. I also didn’t want to stay and have people getting into trouble for having too many techs on the floor.

The FA was ok with me staying, so I stayed. I got out a little after 11. I called Ox and we decided to meet at home. We’re going to go into Lincoln later tonight to do some shopping (*cough winter pants cough*), and to get dinner together. I’m looking forward to it.

Currently, I’m sitting here eating lunch and writing to catch up on all of the developments in my life since nothing can happen gradually or spread out. Once I’m done eating and writing I’m going to go to the gym here at home to run.

I’ve been wearing compression socks at work for the past two days. I think they make a difference. My legs are less tired and my feet aren’t as sore in the morning. That’s something I’m still going to keep an eye on and be mindful of. Two days isn’t a lot to go off of or make a trend out of.

Tomorrow is a dojo day. I’m looking forward to that. Work should go alright since I’ll be working with my FA on the floor. Friday is going to be a disaster since I’ll be alone with the float RN. All FAs are being voluntold to take Friday off for the holiday. All I have to do is survive and then it will be the weekend. As long as I can make it through those 12 hours Friday, I’ll be alright.

I talked to Jon for a bit on the ride home. It’s becoming a bit of a routine for us to talk on Tuesdays and Thursdays since we both have very little going on in our lives on those days, at least in the mornings. It’s been nice. Normally I’m at home so I can sit outside and drink my coffee while I talk to him. Today it was pleasant having company on my drive home. I got to tell him about everything that’s happened and he’s happy for me.

Which, I guess I should stop being nebulous about events and get into everything that happened yesterday.

I woke up for work like normal. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. We got the clinic set up. We put our first shift patients on. I was with the float RN and my FA.

My FAs boss was scheduled to come to our clinic. That’s sort of a big deal. He’s stationed in Omaha, so it’s not like we’re nearby for him or anything. My FA came out to help during change over. She got me and the RN get to a pretty good spot before her boss showed up and she had to go have her meeting with him.

The RN and I should have been able to dance through the rest of the day. Most of the first shift patients were gone. Only one was left since he was having low standing blood pressures. He drives himself so it has to be above 100 systolic and 50 diastolic before we legally can let him leave.

Our ISO patient showed up, so the RN went to initiate his treatment. I stayed out on the floor cleaning and setting up for the remaining second shift patients who weren’t there yet. I had already initiated three of the second shift treatments.

Our ISO patient had to be stuck three times before his venous needle would work properly. Three times. Three.

And this is where I’m going to take a second and mildly rant as a dialysis technician.

What the actual hell? He has a super easy access. How can you mess up his venous needle? Like, for real. What. The. Hell.

I ended up having to swap places with the RN to finish initiating his treatment. It’s not like you can hop in and out of ISO. There PPE you have to put on. There’s handwashing you have to do. It’s time. Time is valuable. You don’t waste time. Having to restick anyone is time. Plus all the added stuff of it’s not good for the access and who wants to get stuck with three additional 15 gauge needles? I’m pretty sure no one, that’s who.

The third needle is the one I did and the one that ran smoothly. While I had been in the ISO room the RN got one of our other patients into his chair. He’s blind and requires assistance. The last patient we were set up for also needs assistance since she’s in a wheelchair at the moment. Instead of getting both patients into their chairs and making sure both machines were ready, she only got our blind patient; the one who has orders for only expert cannulators to canulate at the moment. So I was the only person, on the floor since my FA was still in her meeting, who could do his needles.

Fine. That’s ok. I don’t mind doing that. But nothing was ready for me when I got out of ISO. I still had to put all of his information into the machine and computer and clean his access and then do the cannulation. I don’t even know what the RN did while I was in the ISO room because it felt like literally nothing was done.

In the meantime, the machine for the other patient, the wheelchair patient, had failed its tests and had to be retested.

Right Brain: FML. Can nothing just go smoothly? For just a hot second could the RN touch something and have it not turn to ash? No… Oh… Well, fine. Fuck you too, Universe. Bring it.

I got the failed machine retesting while the RN went to the lobby for the patient. Once the machine was doing its thing I went over and got Mr. Blind going. The cannulation went smoothly. I got his headphones plugged in and made sure his TV was on the right channel so he could listen to Gun Smoke once it came on. I got his blanket spread out and his pillows situated.

Cool. I should have been done. There was no reason for the RN to have not been able to initiate our last patient. Only that didn’t go down how it should have either. Of course not. That whole “things turning to ash” thing… I guess the Universe took me up on my challenge.

That patient had a lab that was scheduled. Cool. Not an issue. You cannulate, attached an evac tube to the needle line, place the lab tube into the evac, draw the lab, disconnect the evac, attach the bloodline, initiate treatment. Standard. Routine. Nothing crazy or hard…

Universe: Hold my beer…

The f’ing evac tube wouldn’t come off. No joke. We even tried using pliers to twist it off since her access has such a short range. Having to recannulate would have been a nightmare. We would have had to pull her needle, wait for her to clot, then pray the RN hasn’t stuck her in such a way that we wouldn’t be able to get another needle in.

Well… that’s what we ended up having to do because of whatever she did with the f’ing evac tube.

Right Brain: I’m so sorry, Universe. I take it back. I take it back. Oh, God. Please. Just shoot me now. Please. Just end it. Please. Why, Universe? Why? What did I do to deserve this much suffering? On a Monday of all days… ;-;

I was able to recannulate her access and we got her treatment going. She was an hour late from her scheduled on time, though. It sucked. All of it from the time my FA left the floor went to hell in a handbasket and it wasn’t even a pretty handbasket with a bow on it.

No. It was a grimy, dirty handbasket that had been kicked around a few times and then stepped on just for good measure, and then used to beat me to a pulp. Yeah… It was that kind of a day. Beaten to death by a grimy, dirty beaten up handbasket sort of day.

I was so mentally dead by the time I got everything caught up. I just wanted to go to lunch, smoking through the whole 30 minutes of my break before having to go back onto the floor to end treatments and finish out the last five-ish hours of my day.

That’s about the time when my boss’s boss came out to the floor and wished us a happy Thanksgiving and went on his way.

Right Brain: Yeah. Thanks. Go die in a fire for stealing my FA from me, Jerkface. I mean, not really since I know none of this was your fault. But maybe just a little fire so I can feel better about myself and not be the only one suffering and having a shitty day.

As I was getting ready to step off the floor to go on my lunch break my FA came out and asked if I could talk to her. As we were heading into her office, with me contemplating what I was about to get yelled at talked to about, she asked me how it was going.

Me: Alright.
FA: So how is it really going?

I sat down in the chair across from her desk and sighed, rubbing my temples. I told her about ISO and our other restick. I told her that things really were fine and that I just needed five minutes to regroup since I hadn’t had a chance to decompress yet.

FA: Well that actually leads in perfectly to what I want to tell you. I just got done talking with Mr. Boss. We want to give you a raise for everything that you do.

Me: I love you guys so much.

She said they would be increasing my wage to $15 and that it was purely based on work performance and would not affect my yearly review in April. She said that she appreciates being able to depend on me to keep the clinic going for her and that I help make her job easier.

We ended up stepping outside and having a cigarette together. While we were outside I told her how I didn’t feel like I deserved the award I got. I told her that I, personally, feel like all I do is my job. Doing your job shouldn’t get you special recognition.

FA: Yeeesss… You do your job. But it’s the way you do it. It’s your attitude and how you carry yourself. There’s a difference between just doing your job and the way that YOU do your job.

I told her that I understood that, and that I was and am still grateful for her words at the meeting and even more so for the raise.

So yeah… I survived one of the worst changeovers I’ve had in a while and then got a 50 cent raise at the end of it.

That 50 cents equals out to the cost of my dojo membership. My FA gave me my dojo. That’s how I’m choosing to look at it since I’ve been sort of kicking myself about signing up for yet another financial obligation while I still have so much that I need to pay off.

My FA didn’t have to request an increase in my wage. Her boss didn’t have to approve it. But they did. They both went out of their way to make my life easier. I know it’s just money. It’s numbers. Digits in an excel sheet that affect the bottom line. But it’s more human than that. It’s a very real and tangible thing for me. It’s my recovery. It’s my social time. It’s my stress relief. It’s my coping mechanism for my grief.

I am beyond grateful.

I am now making what I considered my baseline. I started at Full Sail making a little more than 15 an hour, but since I started working for DaVita I have considered $15 my goal. If I could only get back to there. I wouldn’t be backtracked anymore. I would be back at my start at least.

And here I am, financially back to my starting line. I feel like I’ve accomplished something. I actually feel like I’m doing things right. Switching careers wasn’t a fuck up. I can, and am, making it.

I went to lunch while my FA went to the floor and took over. The float RN went home. I called Ox while I was on break and told him about the meeting with my FA.

When I went back to the floor there was an email from another FA talking about how our region was going to be hosting a leadership class. It’s very selective and only a few people were going to be chosen to participate, but they were accepting applications until December 7th. I poked through all of the attachments, read all the requirements, and sat for a bit thinking about the email.

I asked my FA if she had seen the email. She hadn’t, so she poked around at it for a second. I asked her if it would be ok for me to apply.

She said yes. We talked about it more and how it worked well with me getting ready to become a trainer for the clinic and how it could open doors for me later to become something like the Clinical Coordinator once I’m an RN myself. Leadership doesn’t mean I have to be an FA she said. There are lots of other positions I might be interested in that this class would be applicable to.

Soooo…. we’re going to sit down before the end of the month and discuss it in more detail and fill out the application together.

If my application is selected, I will enter into phase two where I will have to write an essay. If they like my essay, I will get an in-person interview. If they like my interview, I’ll be one of about six people chosen for this leadership course.

My mind is still having a hard time wrapping around everything, but I can say I’m honestly interested in seeing where all of this leads. I’m actually looking forward to seeing my work future and how everything plays out.

Closing the clinic went smoothly, but then it always does when I work with my FA. I was able to make it to my eye appointment on time. I got my eyes dilated which sort of sucked, but since I’m new at this clinic they have no baseline for me. I figured I would do everything while I was already there.

They gave me a trial pair of contacts which I have in right now and I love them so much more than the ones I was using before. It’s not the prescription change. It’s how they feel. I’ve only ever had one brand of contacts. These are a different brand and they’re amazing. I don’t remember the name but I know they’re supposed to be more durable than the last brand I had. I mentioned how the first year I had contacts went fine, but that during this second year four of them had ripped on me and I was a little less than thrilled about the prospect of having to go through that again.

These new, trial ones are a brand the doctor recommended I try and even though it’s only been about 12 hours of me wearing them, I already know that I’m going to stick with them this time around. They just feel… better. If you’ve never worn contacts I don’t really know how else to explain it. The old ones didn’t hurt me or anything, but there is definitely a difference between the two and if given a choice these new ones are the ones I would recommend.

So yeah, once I figure out the name I’m sure I’ll write about it again, but the eye appointment went well and I should have more contacts before too long and so far my eyes are fine. No eye cancer to worry about or anything like that. Aside from needing contacts my eyes are healthy. Woo.

I stopped at the gas station afterward and got gas for my car so I wouldn’t have to worry about it in the morning. I got Subway for dinner again since I was starving. Ox had me tell his parents about my raise. I stitched for a bit after dinner then went to sleep. And that was my day.

It felt like an exceedingly long day and here I am to the real part of it. The emotional part. The tears part. The mom part.

I’m back to square one, mom.

It’s taken me almost three years to do it, but I’m finally here. I don’t know what else to say other than I did it. I finally, really, truly did it. Everything from here will be forward progress.

I wish I could hug you. I wish I could beam a smile of pride and feel victorious while I have tears running down my face WITH you. I want it to be with you so much, mom. I want you to be here. I want you to know that I won and that I didn’t give up and that I’m finally back to where I started.

All those times that I told the Universe to go fuck itself and kept going when I wanted to give up has finally gotten me back to here. All those times I thought I was a fuck up when I first started in dialysis. All those times I questioned if I had picked the wrong career change.

This proves it to me; to us. I’m not a failure, mom. I’m a badass. I’m your badass. I’m your daughter and I will always be your daughter and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for all the days that are hard and that I struggle. I’m sorry for still wanting to quit sometimes. I’m sorry for being angry and sad and hurt. I didn’t quit, though, and I’m not going to quit, and not quitting got me back to here. Not quitting got me the dojo. Not quitting got me an amazing FA who supports me and cares about me not only as an employee but as a person. As a human. You would like her, mom.

I know you’re proud of me and I’m happy that you’re proud. I just wish so desperately that we could be together in person still. It’s always so confusing to be happy and yet so sad at the same time. I’m happy I’m here, mom, but I’m so sad that it’s not the same. I’m sad that you’re not alive and we can’t talk on the phone or go out to eat. I want it to be like old times, mom. I want to hear you. I want to see you. I want to feel your arms around me because you always gave the best hugs. I want your words and warmth.

But at least I know you still know. At least we have whatever it is that we have and that I know you’re proud of me; happy for me. I know you’re still with me and I’m sorry if sometimes it seems like I’m ungrateful and that it isn’t enough. It is, mom. I promise it is and that I still love you, mom. I love you so much. Forever and for always, mom. I promise. It will always be forever and for always.

Musing Moment 0080: Unstuck?

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So I might be unstuck… I’m not sure yet.

 

I think I need to give myself a break. I think I need to stop beating myself up over not having a major goal right now. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I am not going to be making a career change at the moment, so I think I should stop stressing over not having a career goal.

 

I think I should actually be giving myself credit for continuing to work on my degree. That’s going to take a lot of my time. I don’t think I should worry about having a job, and doing school, and doing a personal project, and possibly free lance, and making sure to have the laundry done and dinner cooked.

 

You know, I think I can take away the personal / career project aspect of my life and still make a pretty good argument for being busy and not wasting my time. Especially when right now I haven’t figured out the direction I want to go after this new degree. I’m still tossing the idea of the Army around inside of my head. Enlisted more than officer since that would be roughly a four year contract rather than six or more. But again, until this next year and a half is over, it’s just speculation and day dreaming, and that’s well and good, but it’s going to make me want things to be different and for the time being they’re not going to be different.

 

I think I would be happier focusing my energy somewhere else rather than worrying about things that aren’t important yet.

 

Ok, so if I’m scratching work off of the list for goals right now, what does that leave me with?

 

I want my Warrior Dash to be a goal still.

 

I realized this last night. I haven’t completed it yet. It’s still important to me, and by not including or counting it as a goal I’m devaluing all of the work I am doing to achieve it.

 

If it doesn’t count as a goal then why am I working so hard for it? If it’s not an achievement then why do it at all?

 

It is an achievement to me. It is something that I’m going to be proud of once I cross the finish line. I’m going to post pictures all over Facebook and I’m going to blog about it. And I’m going to talk about it to anyone who will listen because it’s going to be a big movement for me.

 

I don’t care if it’s inevitable, and that the night of Feburary 5th I know I’m going to sleep like crap because I’m going to be so excited and nervous, because I know I’m not going to back down. It may not be a “crazy impossible” goal anymore, but it’s still a goal, and at the moment, for the next 30 days, it’s my main focus. Really my only focus.

 

And I think that’s how most of this year is going to go. Instead of having several goals going at once like I normally do, it seems that a lot of my goals are going to be linear.

 

First will be my race. Training for it, and then actually completing it. Once that is done I will return to my dojo. That following Monday actually is when I plan to return.

 

By the end of the month I want to complete my Kyu 6 test for aikido and begin working on my belts in ernest. I will try to advance through all of the ranks until by the end of the year I am Dan 1.

 

Through all of that I will be paying down the credit card. I realized that though I will have the card extremely low by the end of February, due to needing to buy things for the apartment once John and Trevor leave, the amount is going to go back up again. So it most likely won’t be paid off completely until about halfway through the year. Which I’m fine with, but since I’m not going to be focusing on career or income related goals, trying to pay both the card off and my car loan is pretty unrealistic and sort of setting myself up for failure, which is unfair.

 

So, realistic goal, pay off the credit card, for real this time.

 

I also want to do a second Warrior Dash some time this year. I believe there is a race in North Carolina in June, which is still fairly close to me, but there are other places like Texas which could have races and would let me, potentially, visit friends I haven’t seen in a while.

 

I could participate in a color run race, or try biking. Not really to win, but just to do it. Because I think they would be fun. I don’t think I want to have any goals with the Lance Orlando fighting. I think I would rather focus on aikido this year. That and school.

 

Those will be my main goals and along the way I will reestablish the habits I have let slip. The reading a book each month. I want to continue to cross stitch for pleasure rather than trying to turn it into a profitable hobby. I know my stress level is going to go up starting next week with the return to school and having homework to worry about again.

 

I’m going to need to care for myself so I don’t get burnt out like I did before.

 

There’s been good news in regards to the apartment situation, and the past few days have been pretty awesome even though I haven’t really written about any of the events that have happened. I’m sure I will later tonight, but I wanted to type all of this out while I had the time to do it and the thoughts in my head.

 

I may be “stuck” in Florida for now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have other things that are important to me. And just because I don’t have nine million things I’m trying to get done doesn’t mean I’m a slacker or letting anyone down.

 

School is going to be intense on its own. I need to give myself more credit than I do for working on my degree. I also need to put more time into my assignments than I normally do.

 

So school, racing / becoming a better, fitter me, Dan 1 in aikido, and annihilate the credit card debt. Pretty linear like I said. One domino after the other. One class at a time, one rank at a time, one payment at a time I’ll move forward on all of these things. Each month a slow progression to a larger, bigger destination.

 

I suppose it helps that it is winter. It’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to regroup. It’s ok to not always be busy or have irons in the fire. It’s ok to sit and not be defined by what project I’m working on.

 

I think realizing that helped. I am more than my goals, and I think for a little bit I forgot that. Goals are important and they give us direction, but they’re not everything and just like with friends, it’s about quality not quantity.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons Winter is hard for me. Maybe I’m not good at sitting still and this is something I should work on. For all that I’m about inner peace and mindfulness maybe I am still missing the big picture. It’s not about being busy. Just like with writing, how it’s ok to not write and how silence is just as important if not more so. Stillness is just as important as action.

 

Stillness is where we prepare.

 

 

Musing Moment 0077: The Thing – Round 1, Fight!

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I got interrupted while I was writing yesterday. This is what I was able to type out before Zane woke up and the day got started with no opportunity to sneak away and finish my thoughts.

 

Not much has changed in 11 hours. I stayed up a bit longer after my last post. I had begun work on a new cross stitch. The Christmas dragon from Dragon Dreams. Jen always puts out a freebie chart as a thank you gift to the stitching community. If you’re interested in seeing it check it out here. She has requested that it not be posted anywhere other than Facebook and for it to only be “Shared” through the Facebook platform, which is why I’m only linking to it.

 

It’s super adorable though, so check it out if you’re interested in stitching a small, cute Christmas dragon.

 

You would think after doing nothing but stitching for a week straight that I would be so sick of stitching I would rather stab my eyes out with my needles then begin a new project. This one is for me though, so it’s different. It’s the first project in a while that I have stitched purely for the purpose of stitching. It’s not a gift. It’s not a commission. It’s simply because I want to make something cute. So I am.

 

I got most of the way through it, and thought about working on it more after my post. But I was tired. Drained. I think I got something like seven more stitches done, if that, before going back to the room and sleeping next to Zane.

 

He got up shortly after I came to bed since he’s doing cat naps. But eventually he came back and we slept the rest of the night together. He’s still asleep right now. I’ve been up for a little bit. I’ve unloaded the dishwasher, loaded it back up again, and have already had one up of coffee.

 

I’ve been having a lot of coffee lately, mostly so I could stay awake and keep working on Marcus’ project. It felt like I was back in college again, working on my final projects, staying up insane hours so I could get them done to the level of quality I would be happy with. I don’t miss those days all that much, and this reminded me of why.

 

I don’t like being tired. I don’t like that for almost a week the most sunlight I got was the five or ten minutes I would sit on the porch. I don’t regret the choices I made. But I wasn’t taking care of my body and I know that. I know the choices I made are going to make my race goal suffer.

 

It’s over now though. I will hopefully be giving Marcus the framed piece later today. I still need to iron it but I’m letting the fabric drip dry a bit before doing that.

 

Yesterday was actually pretty relaxing, though I guess you wouldn’t have gotten that impression from my last post.

 

Thursday night I ended up going out to Taco Bell for Zane and me. He paid, giving me his card before I left the apartment. Neither of us wanted to cook anything, and not many places were going to be open. But tacos sounded good. Grungy food for my last stint of stitching. My last all nighter.

 

I think that is going to be a new tradition for me. I don’t really have any, other than family gatherings around the holidays. We don’t have a traditional meal we always cook. We don’t have an event like going out to see the Christmas lights, or going ice-skating and drinking hot chocolate. We’re really sort of boring like that I guess. We just hangout and chit-chat. More often than not we play board games and interact with one another.

 

Well, my Christmas traditions are going to be Christmas tacos because tacos, and then cooking a duck for Christmas day.

 

While I was stitching we watched Magical Girl Madoka from beginning to end. All 12 episodes. I enjoyed it. We watched the Christmas special of Doctor Who as well. I thought the episode was amazing, but then anything with River Song in it is good.

 

Zane started playing Final Fantasy Type 0. I watched for a little bit. I took a nap. I messaged several people on my phone and Facebook. I messaged Mother Earth and I had a conversation with RB. It was good to know both of them are doing well, even though I’m not really sure they are doing well. There is so much more that goes into “wellness” then the ability to type on a phone.

 

It eased something inside of me to talk to both of them. It made me feel less alone and lost. Though to be fair I still have no idea what I want, where I’m going, or what I’m doing. Knowing that my pseudo-family is still there, still reachable, made me feel a bit more stable.

 

That was pretty much all of yesterday aside from my post, which I wrote after Zane had gone to sleep. I figured it would be pretty emotional. It felt like that was what I needed. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Much like now. I’ve already started a bit of my soul search, and I really don’t like that phrase because I don’t think it fits, but I’m not sure what else to call it.

 

Healing? Recovery? Mmmm, recovery maybe. Adjustment… Reformation. Reconstruction, actually. Yes. That feels better.

 

I’m having to reconstruct myself around this new information. It changes the blue prints that I had for my life. It changes the composition completely.

 

For the past months my goal as been my spiritual health. I was losing myself. Work was bleeding me out. I was sacrificing the gym and the dojo. The stress with Zane kept me from recovering fully when I came home. There was all this worry and stress and no outlet for it. No way to recharge and purge the negativity that was building in my life and I kept carrying that weight from one day to the next.

 

But I’ve been changing that. I’ve been doing more for myself. I’ve been sticking up for myself at work. I state when something is negative for me and I stick to my guns. I don’t back down just to make it easier or less confrontational. I think about myself, too, and what I am able to handle and what I would be ok with later, not just in the moment. That’s helped a lot.

 

I make time for physical activity. The biking to work helps. It gives me roughly 40 minutes to an hour of alone time each day. It helps me be prepared for work. It gives me a way to burn off some steam after a rough day. It’s improving my health and my connectedness with myself. It’s moving me towards goals that I have always wanted to reach.

 

I feel like I have done a lot to improve my spirit, and I think overall that I am in a much better spot than I was three months ago.

 

But now there is this Thing. I don’t know what to call it other than that. The Thing. In my head it is dark, creepy, drippy and gross. Black and green and brown and rotting, oozing with fangs and claws and horrible red eyes full of hate and evil. The Thing that I can’t fight. The thing that is smoke and dust and vaporous.

 

And of course that’s where I got interrupted… right at the good point. So now that I have reread what I was thinking at the moment I can move forward with the post and hopefully complete the train of thought I was having.

The Thing. The stroke. The invisible enemy that I will never be able to face, or kill, or destroy. In my previous post I mentioned how I wish there was something that I could hate. Some physical form that I could bash my fists bloody against. But there isn’t.

 

And normally I would feel bad about wanting to hate something, someone. How the thought of violence normally makes me ill. But right now I don’t care. I want to hate. I want there to be a focal point that I can focus all of this negativity on like an evil ray of death until it explodes. But there’s nothing. Just facts. Just life.

 

It’s frustrating knowing that logically there is nothing wrong, that I have not been wronged, that things are actually pretty good and that I should be grateful, but feeling everything that is opposite of logical and rational.

 

It leaves me not knowing how to handle myself. I understand that I have the right to feel the way I feel. Everyone, no matter their situation, has a right to feel. At the same time I feel like my mentality is “wrong”. I shouldn’t be looking at my Christmas box as the last gift I will ever receive from my mom. I shouldn’t focus on the fact that she had (past tense) a stroke.

 

I should focus on the fact that she is still alive. That she is getting better. That she is with Jason and Lio. I should focus on the fact that she loves me. That she raised me to be a strong person. There are so many things I should be focusing on, but in the face of The Thing all I can think about is how much I want to destroy it. To make it not exist, to never have happened.

 

I feel all of this rage, and hate, and darkness inside myself. I feel it turn me into a vicious person and I want so much for there to be something to unleash this viciousness on, and there isn’t so instead it turns to sadness and I feel helpless. All of this rage and power, and there is nothing, nothing, deserving of it. And so it sits and festers. Poisoning my here and now.

 

I honestly do feel like parts of my world are falling apart. Shattering because the ideas and futures I had envisioned are different now. The ones I had don’t exist, can’t exist, never existed to begin with. And yet it feels as if they have broken, fallen, shattering into a thousand pieces and now I have to reconstruct those areas. Repair, mend.

 

Reconstruct.

 

I suppose in a way that is good. It brings to mind something that has been demolished. Utterly obliterated. But that means the ground is leveled and I can create whatever I want to now. I could use the shattered pieces, making a mosaic. Or I could come in with a giant broom, sweeping all of the pieces away before carting in new material, making something completely different in defiance of having the old monuments ruined.

 

Me: Fine. Fuck you, Life. I’ll make something even better!

 

I can do whatever I want.

 

The more I hate and loath The Thing, the more it grows. The more its dark form looms over me. The more power I give it. The more it steals away from me. From my now. And I’m tired of giving it that power.

 

And right now, those words sound big and strong, and I might even sort of feel it, but I know it is far from over. I know I’m going to have more days where I cry and feel sad. Like today. Like how this morning I woke up and I knew that it was going to be rough. And it has been. Zane and I fought. He’s going through his own stuff so it’s been hard for both of us to be patient with one another.

 

I’m currently sitting at school alone. Completely alone. The only sound filling the air is that of my fingers tapping way at the keyboard. I love it. There’s no music. Nothing for me to process other than my thoughts.

 

I’m allowed to let go here. No pretending. No worrying about anything. Just silence.

 

I want to build something new for my future. I want to be destructive. I want to throw things, shattering the windows to the buildings. Vandalizing. Annihilating until there is nothing left. I want the world to burn around me as I burn on the inside until everything is ash. I want to fires to roar as I scream out my pain, hearing the cry of the world echo my own.

 

At the same time I want to hide away in my cave, so far away from people, from everything, that nothing hurts any longer. My ice cave. The place where there’s only coldness. Calm. Tired. Slow. So heavy, too heavy to move. Too much effort to do anything other than huddle on the floor, eyes shut and frosted breath passes through blue lips. There’s nothing, no pain. Just the cold as my companion keeping everything numb, functional, alive yet not living.

 

Which is better. The fire of rage, or the ice of sadness? They’re not really opposites. Anger and sadness. But they’re opposite on the emotional spectrum for me. One is cold and internal, while the other is hot and external. They negate each other when I feel them in equal amounts. They leave me lukewarm and neutral. Square one.

 

So if I want to destroy everything. If I want to start over new, where do I want to start? What’s important? What’s the foundation? What am I trying to build?

 

I don’t know.

 

Family is important. I still feel a sense of obligation to my financial goals though. I don’t want to throw them to the way side. I still want them to be important to me. But I think I want them to be important because I feel like they should be important, not because they actually are anymore… if that makes any sense.

 

I still feel like I should focus on my health goals, but again those seem so much lower than what they were just a few weeks ago. So much less important. Honestly I haven’t done anything even close to resembling physical activity for the past week. And I should feel bad about that. I know that the longer I wait the harder it’s going to be to start again. But right now I don’t care. In this moment, I honestly don’t care about my race.

 

What is my number 1 priority? Family. Specifically my mom.

 

Ok… so what do I want to do?

 

I don’t know… I guess be near her? I don’t like how I can’t go visit her for the weekend anymore. I don’t like how I feel left out. My mom is with my nephew, older brother, and sister in law. John is over in Germany. My cousin is still in South Carolina along with a few friends. Most of my close friends are west coast-ish though, and I’m so very far away from them.

 

Zane wants to move to California. Not that it really matters, but I do not want to lose his companionship yet. I still don’t think we’re meant for forever, and I know I’ll never be Nic to him. But right now, with everything else going on, I really would like for that area of my life, my relationship, to stay stable, at least as stable as it has ever been.

 

So everything seems to be pointing me to west coast, but is that where I really want to be?

 

Not really. I actually like the east coast. I like the south. I don’t mind Florida I just hate how so few of the people I cherish are here. I don’t like snow. I don’t like the cold.

 

I guess part of it is worrying that I won’t like whatever place I move to. It will be new. Different. I won’t know the streets. I won’t know where there’s a good Chinese place. The west coast doesn’t have the grocery store chain I like, so I’ll have to figure out a new store.

 

So much new.

 

My mom is worth moving for. There are a handful of people who are worth moving for. But that’s a lot. For me it’s a huge thing. This isn’t moving to a new apartment in the Orlando area. This would be a completely different state, different area, in a way a different world.

 

But yes, there are a few people who are worth that, and there are a few areas that I would be ok with. I think Vegas might be one of them. I like hiking there. I like the archery range that I went to with my older brother. I like the thought of being near my family.

 

I like the thought of feeling included.

 

Ok. So family is a priority, and I want to be near them.

 

I would need a new job. One that paid way better than my current one so I could handle my expenses.

 

What type of job would I want?

 

I really don’t want one. And I know that sounds awful. I want to feel like what I am doing is worth it. Worth my time. Worth the stress. I want to make people better. I want to feel like I make a difference.

 

I could try to find a teaching job out in Vegas. Most likely would not be pulling in the type of money I want. But it would have a higher chance of meeting the marks I have for a job I want.

 

I could try to get a job with a simulations company. Continue to use my Computer Animation degree. That could get me closer to the income I want, but I don’t like working on other people’s stuff. Point blank. I love what I am able to do, I just don’t like it when it’s an obligation. I don’t think I would be happy using my degree unless I was doing freelance work, which comes with its own pile of garbage to deal with.

 

I could continue on my Digital Arts and Design degree and then get more of a design related job in Vegas or California or Texas. That would require me to finish the degree first, so I guess a good question with that is do I want to finish the degree?

 

Yeah, sort of. I think it’s silly to give up on it halfway through. I know when classes start back up in a week that my stress / workload is going to go back up. I guess I really should look at what classes I have left to take so I know what’s coming up. What my lighter months will be so I have breaks to look forward to. There’s a lot I could do to make the next year easier as far as schooling is concerned.

 

There’s also the choice of being able to switch into the Web Design degree which is actually what I’m finding most interesting at the moment. Creating websites and such. It’s fun. I created my own, sort of, through Wix. I’ve gotten more comfortable with HTML5 and CSS. I also love Adobe Illustrator and being able to create custom forms and resumes. That’s going back to design work though.

 

Original question. Do I want to finish the degree? …. Yes. Yes I want to finish my degree. I want to not back down from that challenge.

 

Ok, so the whole moving thing really doesn’t matter right this second because I wouldn’t be able to leave the job for the duration of the degree. I have to be employed here for the degree to be free. And I don’t want it bad enough to pay for it.

 

Do I want to stay longer and get the Web Design degree? Maybe? I don’t really know. I guess it will depend on where I’m at in a year. It might be a bit longer than a year actually because I’ve failed two or three classes, and I know that sounds bad. Almost as bad as saying I don’t want to work. But the first time I failed I was sick for the first week of the month, and the fourth week Mother Earth was put into ICU. The second time I failed on purpose because I felt like I was letting fear consume me. I feared my projects. I feared that they wouldn’t be good enough, I feared the white pages any time I opened my programs to start my work. So I purposely failed so I could try again without fear. I refused to doubt myself. I refused to worry. I would make whatever it was I wanted to make and I would be happy with my effort regardless of the outcome.

 

And this last class. The one I took before my leave of absence. I am fairly certain I failed that one because I was tired of the stress. It was while I was on vacation for mental health. Work and school are two separate things, and while I was on vacation from work, I was not on vacation from school. I tried getting the interruption of training approved in time so I wouldn’t fail the class, but it didn’t work out, and I don’t regret not doing the work because I needed that time to regroup.

 

So, yes. I’m pretty sure I’m three months behind my original graduation date. And I’m ok with that because I’m ok with the three times I’ve stepped away from school. I’ve written about it numerous times. I’m not getting this degree for my career. I’m getting it because it’s fun, a hobby, because while I’m working for the school it’s free, and because it is a nice compliment for my current degree. I’m doing it because I can, honestly. Not because I care about the grades I get. And a few short years ago that would have driven the perfectionist in me insane. Zero fucks given now. I do as well as I want to, and that’s enough for me. If it’s not enough for someone else then they can take the degree themselves. Rawr.

 

So game plan for now as far as career goes. Move west-ish to be closer to family. Ideally this will happen in a year or so, once I have obtained my second degree. Upon completely my degree I can begin analyzing what direction I want to go with my career. Continuing to teach? If so, what area would I like to teach in since I’ll have more avenues open to me. And if not, what area in the industry I would like to pursue since, again, I will have two degrees to work with.

 

So that area is tidied up a bit. I at least know that for now Florida is where I will stay. So my long term plans in that area are more solid, and I understand how they relate back to my goal of being with family. I’ll need to figure out the short term goals before too long, but I will save that for another day.

 

On ward to personal / health / spiritual stuff, since they’re all interconnected for me.

 

My Warrior Dash is still important to me. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, I know it is. I know I want to run it. I know I won’t do amazing at it. And I know that even if I’m bummed, that I’m ok with that information because this is my starting point. This is something I want to keep doing and getting better at, and so even if I don’t do amazing this first time, I know I’ll only be able to do better from here.

 

I want to keep training. I want to keep improving. I want to keep going to the gym and seeing new lines and contours on my body. I want to watch the muscles flex in my arm as I lift a weight. Watching how the ligaments and skin shifts to preform the action. I enjoy watching, analyzing how the body is functioning, how such a simple action is so insanely complicated and intricate. I love it because I’m weird like that.

 

I love being able to prove to myself that I’m better than I was yesterday. How I can do an extra set of lunges. Bike a bit faster, run a bit farther.

 

I can remember the first time I went running while I was dating Warren #2. How I couldn’t run longer than 30 seconds. How I was so out of breath, how my legs burned. And even then I was proud of myself for doing it because it was further than I had run in I don’t remember how long. How I kept getting better, and better. And here I am running five minutes solid. Here I am about to run my first race.

 

It’s a good feeling. It’s been slow progress. Years worth of trying, and stumbling, and fighting depression, and Life getting in the way, and work being bitchy and needing to be backhanded a bit. But I’ve made it this far. I’ve refused to back down, and when I’ve fallen I’ve gotten back up.

 

Here I am sitting in a t-shirt my mom got me, sized XL and it’s a bit loose on me, when before it would have been tight. I want to keep moving forward in a positive, healthier direction, and the only way to keep doing that, keep moving forward, is to keep making the physical aspect of my life a priority.

 

Feeling better about myself factors into my personal and spiritual well being. If I being to let this area slip I know I will begin to slide back into depression. Those reasons will be different reasons, reasons other than financial stress, but depression is still depression, no matter the reason I am there. I don’t want to go back to that state. So I need to continue to walk away from it, to do things to combat it. And I think I’m ok with having physical activity as a priority, though I want to call it something else. Physical activity sounds lame, weak, hollow. It’s the part of school that was dreaded because you could never take a shower afterwards and had to sit in school feeling icky the rest of the day.

 

I’m not sure what to use in its place though. Hmm, through the powers of Thesaurus.com I think I’ll go with Physical Discipline. That sounds better than activity, exercise, or training.

 

I haven’t done much for Spiritual Growth other than dig myself out of self-pity and depression. But I think I did a pretty good job with that so I’m not going to let myself feel like a slacker. I do want to progress in this area though. I want to actually finish my Buddhist book, which I haven’t done yet. There are several things I want to do.

 

Honestly, I want to stop writing. I’m sort of written out at the moment. But I think I made good progress with myself. I feel less lost when looking at my daily life. I’m where I’m supposed to be, for now. So at least I know I’m not wasting my time. I’m meant to be here, not looking up plane tickets or selling all of my worldly possessions.

 

Here. Now. Florida. Work. School. Race.

 

Those are my priorities at the moment. At least as far as this post is concerned. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, so that will be another few hours of figuring out my life. But right here, right now, I’m on solid ground again, and that’s comforting.

Musing Moment 0060: Analyzing My Life

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Once again I’m doing the 30 Day Challenge by Chalene Johnson. Day one starts with rating 10 areas of your life. 10 being awesome 1 being awful. So here we go… again. : )

Physical Health – 5

I’m slacking here, and I’m letting depression to that to me. I feel like I should have started this challenge on Monday, the beginning of my vacation because I have already started to change things around. But that doesn’t change that fact that for almost four months I was lucky if I made it to the gym three times a week.

Physical health is important to me. It’s a priority, and I haven’t been treating it like one which is compounding the depression. I will work back up to working out 5 times a week. I WILL MAKE TIME FOR THE GYM. Caps because it’s legit.

I will NOT compromise on this time, and I will stand up for myself and my needs in this regard.

Emotional Health – 3

Super low here. For several reasons. My emotional health stems from so many other areas, which are also low. And just like last time when I did this challenge, I don’t think focusing on this area in particular will help improve it. I need to go to the sources of my imbalance to improve my emotional health, so for now, it think the most I can do is acknowledge where I’m at, and where I want to go in this area.

Environment – 8

Once again my environment is fairly stable. I have just put in the application with the fee to be added to the lease and should have that taken care of by tomorrow. I have cleaned the apartment pretty well since I have been off this whole week. I have set up my cork board with all of my mementoes. There are a few changes I would still like to make, but I have the rest of the weekend for it. All in all, I am content with this area.

Leisure – 5

I’ve scored this one with an “eh” score. While I do have down time and while I do have “leisure” activities, lately it doesn’t seem like what I want to do. Working out is part of leisure for me. Cross stitching, which I had stopped doing until recently, is leisure for me. Aikido is leisure. Being alone is leisure. I feel like to improve this I need to analyze what I’m actually spending my time on and see if I’m doing it for me, or because I feel like I have to. If I’m not enjoying my activities then they’re not fun, and therefore not leisure.

Essentially cleaning house in this area would be beneficial and could aid in mending my emotional health since leisure is where I get most of my recovery / recharge.

Friends / Family – 6

This one is a little above average. I think I have been doing extremely well with communicating my feelings to people, which has mostly been, “I’m depressed and don’t feel like talking.” As my emotional health improves I know I will reach out more to other people, but so far I have done well with lettig people know I will be less communicative, rather than simply falling off the face of the Earth. I think I deserve points for that, which is why even though I am not talking to people very often I still rated this area decently. I’m doing the best I’m able to, and things will get better.

Significant Other – 5

Zane and I are still hanging in there. He’s almost done with his first full week of work after roughly four months of unemployment. I’m doing a bit better since I have been getting alone time this week by taking time for vacation. We enjoy our evenings together. We’re both less depressed.

I would like to see how else we improve as we shift from a survival mindset to a living mindset.

Purpose / Career – 3

I’m starting to resent my work. I feel stagnant. I feel like I’m wasting my time, but I don’t know what else I could / should / aught to be doing. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where I want to go. And I think a lot of that has to do with the depression I’m feeling.

I don’t care right now. It takes too much to care. Figuring out where to go would meaning caring that I’m lost, and right now I can’t. Or maybe I just don’t want to. It’s going to take effort. It’s going to take soul searching. It’s most likely going to involve painful questions with equally painful and honest answers. And right now I’m tired of hurting. Which is sort of a fucked up mindset because if I went through a little bit of pain now, I would most likely save myself tons of pain in the long run.

Regardless of what I actually do, I know what NEEDS to be done at least, so part of the hard part is over in that regard. I have a plan of action, “Figure your shit out.” It’s more a matter of getting the balls to follow through on it. Until I do, I’m going to be stuck in the hole that I’m in for this area of my life. And if I’m doing nothing to change it, then I really have no right to complain about it.

Personal Growth – 4

Originally I had this at a 3 but I changed it to a 4 because I remembered that I actually am trying to better myself in one regard. The Maya Certification that’s still being a pain in the ass. But I’m trying to do it none the less.

Personal growth is a lot like emotional health though. Physical health is part of personal growth. Career is part of personal growth. Spiritual growth is personal growth. There’s so many things that go into making me the personal I am. I have to feed those areas, too, in order to see worth-while change in this area.

Spiritual Growth – 3

Another area which is super low. I don’t feel like I am failing Freya. I don’t know what I feel really. I know I could have done better these past four months. But everything in hindsight. I could have done a lot of things differently. But I’ve made it through, and I’m making plans for the future. I’m not living day-by-day, hour by hour any more.

I am slowly making goals, and plans, and slowly I am reaching them, one step at a time. That being said, I need to go back to caring for myself. I can’t be spiritually ok when I feel like I’m giving up my connection to Freya. I need the gym, I need a purpose, I need to meditate and make time for myself. I need to be involved in actives that I feel are worth my time.

My spiritual growth stopped because I stopped tending to me. So instead of looking outside for help or a fix or a cure, I need to look inward, inside in order to find the balance I need to restore to my life.

There I have it. A verbal picture, a snap shot, of my life. Now to go make a battle plan to make things better. Go go to-do lists.

aawesome

Musing Moment 0050: Intrinsic vs. Key

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My Intrinsic Priority, the thing that comes most naturally to me, has always been work. Though I can’t say that I have been putting much effort into it lately, when I was I was giving it my all. School, work, it is what I use to define who I am. It is what I use to measure my worthiness.

Did I do a good job? Do people appreciate my time and effort? Did I contribute to the project? Did I do my best? Am I proud of the work I did? Are other people proud? Did I bring those I represent honor?

Those are the questions that go through my head at the end of a project. At the end of almost everything I do, and even though I have scored myself low in this area, I know on the inside that this is my Intrinsic Priority.

My key priority, what I aught to be focusing on… I’m not sure. There are so many areas of my life that I have scored low, and they are all areas that are interconnected. There are not clear lines separating them into nice, neat categories for me.

Working out ties into personal and spiritual growth for me. Career, personal growth, and finances tie into emotional heath. All of them go into emotional health. So I can’t say that Emotional Health is my key priority, because focusing on that isn’t really where I need to focus. Emotional health, or sickness in this case, is the symptom, not the cause, so focusing on it will not solve the underlying issue.

Really, after thinking about it for a bit, I honestly think that I should give most of my energy to Personal and Spiritual growth to correct my imbalance.

Why these Key Priorities

Focusing on personal growth would factor into my career, physical health, and possibly finances, which would in turn factor into emotional health. Spiritual growth would filter into personal growth, possibly career, physical health and ultimately emotional health.

I feel those two areas would have the biggest impact on my overall wellbeing.

How will I honor my choice?

I will finish reading The Eight Fold Path as well as my other Buddhist book. I feel that will help me accept where I am currently at and provide assistance with dealing with the internal conflict I feel. I feel it will open me to new perspectives.

I will work towards my goal of Maya Certification. I will go back to my meal planning, hopefully with the support of Zane. I will begin working out in the morning rather than waiting until later in the evening like I have been, since one of the excuses I use is being tried at night. I miss the way I felt in the morning having already accomplished something major for myself and my own personal gains.

Cutting the Crap

To ensure I honor my key priorities I will limit how much I procrastinate by allowing depression to hold me back. When I feel like making an excuse, when I hear the evil voice in my head whispering its spiteful words, I will counter them. I will refuse to listen and I will ask myself, “Do my actions support my goals?”

I will be proud of my actions from now on. I will stand behind them and not be ashamed. I will hold my head high and proudly say that no, I did not stay on the couch, I didn’t stay in bed. I actually did the things I wanted to do, even if it was hard. Even if I didn’t want to do them. I did.

I’m awesome, and that little voice can shove it. I’ll prove it wrong, just like I have time and time again. I’ll get to where I want to be, even if I have no idea where that is at the moment.

Priority Clarity Statement

So, for clarification… My key priorities are personal and spiritual growth. I will continue exploring Buddhism as a way to find inner peace and connectedness with myself and the world around me. With reality. I will return to focusing on my physical health and improving myself as an artist both in my digital design endeavors and my computer animation skills.

I would be dishonoring my key priority if I continue to make excuses to not do the things I know will move me forward on my goals. I would be dishonoring my priority if I can not look someone in the eye and unashamedly recount my actions when asked what I did during my day.

I will limit the attention I give the negative words in my head. In fact, I will cut them down as soon as they are uttered. I am not the negative things I say to myself. I am better than that. I am awesome. I am not a failure. I am not weak. I am not a waste. I am amazing. I am successful. I am a badass and a warrior and I will find my inner peace once again. I will heal these emotional wounds and return to being the strong figure I know I can be.

Musing Moment 0049: Taking Stock

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I’m going through and doing the 30 Day Challenge by Chalene Johnson again. Day one is taking stock of the different areas of your life, so here it is. These are the 10 areas Chalene tells you to go through and rate, 1 being awful and 10 being awesome.

Physical Health – 5

I am back tracking here and I know I am. I compare everything back to February where I was working out twice a day and significantly losing weight. I compare back to when I planed out my meals for the week, I ate out once a week as a treat, I drank plenty of water, and I felt amazing and proud of myself and the direction I was going.

Eating out is now a way to cope with the depression I am feeling and the lack of energy I have to put into the effort of making food, which is a poor excuse and is keeping me from reaching the goals I ultimately want, and the goals that would make me feel better about myself.

I have been going to the gym less because I put more time into feeling sorry for myself than into fixing my problems. I haven’t dropped the ball in this area completely, but I need to get a grip on myself. The choices I am making aren’t lining up with my priorities, and they aren’t moving me forward.

I need to consciously ask myself, “Does this line up with what I really want?” before making a decision when it comes to food or the gym.

Emotional Health – 1

I feel this is where most of my strife is coming from. When I am emotionally unbalanced all other areas of my life suffer. Drastically. It’s not a small little wound that can be glanced over or left to heal on its own.

This is a gaping hole in my chest that is bleeding over everything I touch. This is a corrosive sadness that is eating away at all of my efforts and until this is dealt with I do not think there is really a way to ‘fix’ anything.

The main thing for this area would be to find the multiple issues that are causing my emotional discord and to figure out actions to rectify those issues, or ways of dealing with the negative emotions so they are less consuming.

I feel the financial, career, personal growth, and spiritual growth areas of this challenge will play significant roles in correcting the utter despair I feel when looking at the emotional landscape of my spirit.

Environment – 8

For once I actually feel like my environment is pretty decent. I like the apartment I am living in. I like my roommates. Very rarely do I feel anxiety at the thought of coming home. I have a place for my things. Scarlet is no longer confined to a small room.

There are small things that could be done to make the apartment better, but overall I think this area deserves a fairly high score.

Financial – 1

I hate this area. Hate it. Despise it. Loath it. It is my nemesis. And I feel it will for ever and always be this way.

I feel like a failure for not having my Bank of America card paid off yet. I feel like a failure for having to pay the bills for someone else, again. I feel like a failure because financially I’m in the same situation that I always find myself in when I’m in a relationship. The financial support.

And maybe this is unfair of me. Maybe I put myself in this position. RB and Jarrett had a job the whole time I was with them, but it felt like I was the financially responsible one. The one making sure everything was taken care of. Maybe I filled that role because I felt like they weren’t.

Right now it feels like a burden, a weight, that is slowly crushing me into the dirt, breaking my bones to dust. My own financial goals and dreams burned to ashes before my eyes as time and time again I watch money bleed out of my account into areas that have nothing to do with me. Areas that aren’t part of my life, part of the agreement that I had when I moved in.

I can’t help but cry out how it’s not fair, like a child. It’s not fair. When will it be fair? When will I be able to do the things I want with my money that I earned? Me, mine, I. It’s all selfishness, and I know it is, and I’m so tired of trying to see the other side, the other perspective.

When will my perspective be seen and heard? When will I be able to pay off my own irresponsible choices so I can feel like I’m making progress in life, rather than helping people along while I bleed out beside them on the battlefield? Why is it always money that seems to hurt me the most? This intangible thing which causes me the most pain, the deepest wounds?

I don’t know what to do here. The easiest option would be to not cover Zane’s expenses. That would legitimately solve all of my issues. In exchange it would transfer them to Trevor and John. It wouldn’t be getting rid of anything. I would still be down $1000 that I wanted to go towards my card payment. It would most likely make the living situation worse since Trevor and John would most likely hold negative emotions towards me.

I don’t know what to do, personally, to make this ok. I have applied to other jobs, seasonal jobs for Halloween to try to bring in extra money. I could look for freelance work, but with the depression I have been fighting, I don’t think that would be the best option for me. I don’t think I would have the motivation to work my day job, complete my school work, and work an additional job on top of keeping up with laundry and cooking and the gym. I can barely make myself get out of bed some days. How could I do something where people actually depend on me?

I don’t know what to do to fix this, and I feel that is why there is so much hurt and anger. I don’t know what I can do. I know what I want others to do, but I am not in control of others. I’m in control of myself, and right now it feels like the only thing I can do is sit on my hands and wait, and I hate that.

Hate. Searing, scorching, alienating hatred, at myself for getting into this situation again, and at the situation for being what it is. And until I find an action I can do to help my own issue, one that I feel will make the situation better for everyone, I will continue to feel this heat and rage inside, and I will continue to feel guilty for harboring such negativity, and I will continue to spiral downward because of it.

This area requires deep mediation and focused attention because I know this is where a large amount of my emotional discord is coming from.

Leisure / Fun – 7

I think this is actually an ok area in my life. I currently make time for myself, maybe more than I should. I play Witcher 3, I participate in the Pathfinder games with my roommates. Every once in a while Zane and I will watch an anime or show together.

I feel I should feed my hobbies more, but it is something I’m working on. Overall I feel this area is doing well despite how unbalanced the other areas of my life are.

Friends / Family – 7

This is another area I feel is doing well despite my internal conflicts. I have been keeping up with my social obligations. I need to talk to my mom, something I have been avoiding because she’ll know I’m not ok with a single word over the phone.

But all in all I think I am keeping up with friends and family.

Significant Other – 8

Despite everything that is going on, I feel Zane and I are doing ok. The relationship itself is good, we have open communication when I’m not depressed and shut down, and even when I am he’s good about helping me through it.

We spend a fair amount of time nurturing our dynamic, and I fully believe if we are able to survive this situation, that we’ll be able to survive anything.

Purpose / Career – 1

I am aimless. I feel I have no purpose. I feel everything is meaningless, pointless, and a waste of time. I feel like the changes I try to make to improve my work situation and constantly shot down. Over and over.

This is another area where I feel like I am being crushed and that it would be so much easier to just let Life win for once instead of fighting for what I want.

I am so tired of fighting. Of losing. Of small steps backwards. I’m so tired of feeling like a failure.

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to join the Army. While it would be beneficial for several reasons, it’s not what I really want. It would be me running away. It would be me giving in and fixing someone else’s problems. I would be joining the Army as a way to finically support both Zane and I, not because it’s what I really want to do. My heart isn’t in it. Only my brain is.

Because of that I think I would actually hate it. I think I would be resentful about it. I think it would only perpetuate my depression even if I was able to lose the weight I need to. Even with that, I don’t think I would be happy with myself. It would be a hallow victory, one made for someone else, not for myself. And that would cheapen it for me.

Which leaves me with no purpose. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? What do I want to do?

I don’t know. And I hate that, too. I hate feeling useless. I hate feeling like a waste of space. I hate feeling lost and confused and all the other emotions that go with them. Insecure, frail, weak, undeserving, hallow, alone, useless. The list goes on and on, and this voice, this evil voice, sits inside my head twisting all of my thoughts, morphing them into weapons, daggers, swords, needles, which stab at me.

I need to stop this voice. I need to accept myself, where I am at, which is depressed, and from there find what would make me happy. What would give me life, water, air, and growth again. I need to find something that I believe in and can give my life to, because right now I am giving my life to what feels like a lost cause, and that is killing me, literally, day by day, and it can either win, or I can change it.

Personal Growth – 1

This is very strongly connected to purpose and career for me. Maybe a one is a little harsh since I am taking classes, but overall I feel that I am going no where. I have do direction, I have no goal. I have nothing that I am actively working on. Not even getting in shape since I have been so inconsistent with my working out, and so lax on my eating habits.

I am not happy with my lack of direction. This is another area where I need to analyze what I truly want, and figure out the steps needed to make my desired goal(s) a reality.

Spiritual Growth – 1

I have not grown since getting sick in March. I have not felt a true connection to Freya in so long. I have not finished reading my Buddhist book. I have not done so many thing, and I feel this ties into my emotional health because spirituality is a large part of who I am.

I am letting an important aspect of myself wither away, shrivel and die. Working out, and expression of my gratitude for the body I have been given, left undone because of the storm constantly raging inside me. Sometimes there are moments of peace, calm, and I feel as if it’s over, only for it to start again, leaving me ragged and beaten.

I feel that I need to return to my place of sanctuary, the cave within myself. I need to return to who I am, at my core, and align myself again. I need to rest, recover, reconnect. I need to find me, because I’ve lost that trail, that path through everything.

And I think that’s what hurts me most of all. I think that’s why I’m so angry, at everything. That’s why I’m depressed, which is anger turned inward. I’m angry at myself. At my shortcomings, at what I feel are failings.

I’m angry and resentful and I’m lashing out at myself most of all, when I really should be calm and understanding and accepting. Negative reinforcement doesn’t work, but it is the only thing I am giving myself at the moment. Hurtful, hateful words filling my head, echoing over and over until that’s all I hear, all I ever heard.

I need to change my mindset, and from there my actions. And it all starts from inside, from my core, from my spirit.

So there it is. My life in numbers. Half of it is pretty shitty in my book. But at least I know why now. I’ve taken the time to sit and let the emotions rage and spill out onto the screen. I’ve given them their time and voice and now that I know what they wanted to say, now that I’ve listened, I can go about trying to find solutions.

I have clear topics to meditate on. I am on a path once more, and though I can’t see very far in front of me, at least I know that I’m moving forward in some direction.

Musing Moments 0029: 30 Day Challenge – Day 19

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Sometimes when we set goals, we don’t really set ‘goals’.

I want to be more organized. I want to be better at [insert task here]. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier.

Those aren’t really goals. There’s nothing in those statements to let us know when we have, or have not, reached our desired result. They’re just nebulas statements.

A goal is really something that you can measure. It is quantifiable. Someone on the outside should be able to look at your ‘goal statement’ and know if you have reached it or not.

Nebulous Goal: I want my business to do better.

Clear Goal: My business has earned $XXXXX by the end of the year.

Well… by the end of the year we’ll know how close you came to that goal. There is a direct way for us to know if that mark was reached or not. We even have a time frame for when to expect results.

That is a solid, clear goal.

Sometimes when we write down goals we’re actually writing down skills, like with the statement, “I want to be more organized.”

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be more organized, or to do something better. But those are skills. Being organized is a way of behaving, and interacting in the world around you. Same with “I want to be healthier”.

Cool. That’s totally an honorable ambition.

It’s not a goal, though.

Clear Goal: I have gone to the gym X times a week.

Clear Goal: I have de-cluttered one room in my house each week.

Those are actions which can be done, and there are things which will clearly let anyone know if you have reached the end result or not.

Goals can be measured. Skills are things that help you reach your goals.

So if you goal is to de-clutter your house, maybe you need to research into different methods of de-cluttering, or organizational systems for your office space. Things that will help you be ‘more organized’ but move your towards your goal of ‘de-clutter the house’.

It’s a tricky topic, and sometimes it takes a bit of practice to know when you’re listing a skill verses listing an actual goal. That’s what Day 19 is about though.

Today is another day for rewriting our goals. We’ve done this twice already, so we should be a bit more comfortable with this process. Really pay attention to what your writing this time. Are any of those goals actually skills? Are all of your goals measurable? Do any of your goals dishonor your key priority?

Once we have our new goal list we’re supposed to list our ‘Push Goal’ and how it will help get us to our remaining goals.

Since I’m still liking the course I’m on, I will again choose not to rewrite my goals and to keep on keepin’ on.

Push Goals

Complete one personal, career related project each week.
Complete on craft project each month.

Both of these goals will help in generating extra revenue which ultimately will help knock out at least 10 other goals, with the main domino being “Pay off all consumer debt’’.

In-depth explanation here. : D

30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson