priorities

Musing Moments 138: Getting Back on Track

Standard

I’m doing the 30-Day Push Challenge again. Unfortunately, it’s no longer a free program on the internet. I spent hours last night trying to find the website I used to go to. I even went back to previous posts from years ago, looking for the hyperlinks I know I created for the site. None of them worked.

Chalene Johnson published her system into a book called Push, and it seemed that was the only way to get what I was looking for. So… at 11 pm last night I ordered the book from Audible for $20. Maybe not the smartest way to spend the limited money I have at the moment, but it’s what I wanted. I know my life isn’t in the best state right now and I know that I don’t really know where to begin to fix it.

This system has helped provide the structured, systematic approach I seem to do do so well with. Now I permanently have the system to refer back to. No need to worry about websites being taken down or anything along those lines.

I worked through the first few days last night and then continued to work through more of the days this morning. I like where I’m going with it so far. I have a notebook where I’ve been writing most of the work out by hand. It’s nice to see the green ink of my ballpoint pen filling the page with my intentions, motivations, time, energy. I’m creating something as I write even if it’s scribbles on a page that my brain has been taught to give significance to.

I want to go through and list out all of the days that I have completed so far. Since these are important pages in my notebook I want them to be important pages on my blog as well. They’re my accountability. My oath.

Day 1 – Priorities
I listed out several things I consider a priority. Things that would be painful if they were taken away from me. Things that give me fulfillment or purpose or pride. The Push system had me identify the top three priorities in my life. They are, in order of importance:

  • Self
  • Tribe
  • Life purpose

I listed my self as my top priority because I can not be there for the people I love and care for or fulfill my purpose of helping others if I myself am injured mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I owe it to myself to take care of myself because no one else can do it as well as I can.

Tribe currently consists of Jason, Jon, and Jerad. They are the people I would give my life for and as such their well being and my involvement in their lives is a priority for me.

Life purpose I have identified as helping others. This is a priority for me because it’s what gives me a sense of fulfillment and brings meaning to my life especially during the times when my grief wells up and makes things feel pointless.

Priority Statement
My number one priority is to my self. Without maintaining balance and structure in my life I cannot be present for my tribe or fully engaged in my life purpose of helping others. I will honor my commitment to self by maintaining awareness of my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I will evaluate all decisions on the self-level first rather than second or third. Anything that harms or disrupts my inner peace and commitment to being a balanced, harmonious individual will ultimately affect my ability to help my loved ones and fulfill my life purpose. These actions, situations, or commitments should be avoided or declined rather than allowing them to undermine the things I value most.

Day 2 – Goals
Each week I will write out ten goals I want to accomplish within the next 12 months. The idea of evaluating them so often is to ensure that as life changes my goals stay current and true to what is really important to me. Rewriting them also helps solidify my commitment to achieving them. Each time you write your goals for the week you must do so WITHOUT looking at the goals of the previous week.

This helps keep the process organic and true with your current priorities and interests. Goals will change. Some will drop off. Others, however, the ones you truly want, will stay.

My goals for week 1 are:

  • I have paid off both the Mazda AND the Dart.
  • I have reduced the credit card balance by $7000.
  • I have increased my wage to $17 an hour.
  • I have reduced my body fat to 20%
  • I have competed in a Muay Thai tournament.
  • I am eligible for the full $800 discount on insurance
  • I have run a Spartan Race.
  • Ox and I do Darebee exercises together every day.
  • I am on the Dean’s list at school.
  • Ox and I have date day once a week.

Day 3 – Push Goal
A Push goal isn’t necessarily the most important goal. It’s the goal that allows all the other goals to domino into place. Below is the Push goal I chose and why.

Ox and I do Darebee exercises together every day.

By setting this as my Push goal, I am making incremental progress on four other goals; run a Spartan race, compete in a Muay Thai tournament, reach 20% body fat, and metrics within range for maximum discount on insurance.

By having a daily routine for working out, my mental and physical health will increase, allowing me to perform better at work. This will help facilitate three additional goals; earn $17 per hour, pay off the Mazda AND Dart, reduce amount on credit card by $7000.

Better mental and physical health will help facilitate my focus in school, increasing my chances of reaching my final goal of being on the Dean’s list. This Push goal also priorities my relationship with Ox as well as my commitment to my health.

Day 4 – Health Goal
While my Push goal is a health goal, I wanted to pick a better SMART (small, measurable, achievable, rewarding, and time-sensitive) goal to be my actual health goal. Below is the goal I chose and why.

Complete 4 gym workouts each week for four weeks.

In addition to the Darebee workouts with Ox, this will give me roughly five hours per week dedicated to my health. These additional workouts will improve my endurance, agility, and strength along with reducing my stress, improving my appetite, and increasing my metabolism. These workouts will allow me to have “me time” and to focus on my own things while improving my community involvement and social circles. It will also help progress me towards my other, larger health goals.

Day 5 and 6 – Reverse Engineering
I have reverse engineered both my Push goal and Health goal. I have completed a brainstorm for the things I need to do, print, buy, organize, schedule, figure out, etc. Essentially, t’s my to-do list towards success with both goals.

This is where I’ll stop for today. I have school stuff I need to do. Chores to run. Breakfast to eat. I’m glad I’ve been taking the time to figure some of this stuff out. It will make figuring out my calendar for the coming week easier to do.

Daily Post 118: Finding Myself

Standard

I’m at work early because I’m supposed to do grading but I have the urge to write so I’m going to do that first.

 

It’s nice to feel like this. To have the urge to actually type things out and to process through things. It’s nice to not feel a pain inside my chest at the thought of figuring things out. I think a lot of that has to do with my therapy session yesterday. I think a lot of it has to do with recent events and how I’m starting to find things to look forward to. It’s not just a day to day existence anymore.

 

I may not have life goals yet. I haven’t gotten that far in my recovery, but I find myself genuinely smiling at the thought of the future. Things seem to be going well, and even though mom isn’t here to enjoy the forward progress with me, I know that she would be happy for me. She would smile with me and be glad.

 

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be signed off the lease for the apartment. That will be the last massive, ginormous step I have to take as far as the personal side of my life goes. It’s the last step that really requires other people. Past that it will be making sure Zane’s cool with me switching the phone plan over into his name so I can ditch Verizon for MetroPCS again.

 

I’m nervous about it. I don’t think he’s going to be a jerk tomorrow. I think he’s going to be overly sweet and try to get me to hang out. He’s going to try for the “friends” thing, and while I normally do try to maintain a friendship with my exs, this is one instance where I would rather move on. I’m not going to want to hang out. I’m not going to want to chitchat and let him know what’s been going on in my life. I didn’t invite him to my super awesome laser tag going away party for a reason. I want to finalize what I need to and be done with it.

 

I booked a room at an extended stay for the next 28 days. I check in at 3pm today. There’s a mini kitchen and a full sized fridge. I haven’t been there but the pictures look nice. There’s a bed. I seriously cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to having a bed to sleep on. I’m hoping the window lets in a nice amount of light. I’m thinking about taking my computer out of storage and setting it up in the room, space permitting. I’ve already chatted with a few friends. They’re going to let me borrow some of their extra kitchen stuff so I don’t have to go out and buy much of anything. That will be nice. I plan to return it before I leave for Vegas.

 

I want to make stuffed tomatoes for dinner tomorrow. With everything going on today I doubt I’ll be up for cooking or doing much by the time I’m actually able to spend any amount of time at the room.

 

I want to go to the gym after checking in. I need to run by Best Buy first though. The other day I bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones. With all of the kickboxing things I’ve been doing, having wired headphones gets annoying. The wire gets flung into my face or fucks with the motion of my punches. It’s distracting and throws off my groove. So I thought I would give Bluetooth a try.

 

The ones I have are alright… They stay on fine… But they feel sort of weird, and they’re not noise canceling so the sound is different. More airy. And that in itself is distracting. My brain keeps focusing on how it “doesn’t sound right,” even though it’s fine.

 

$100 is a lot to spend to only be “aright” with something. I want to see if any of the other styles / brands work better for me. So yeah, if I get to the gym today Best Buy will most likely happen first.

 

I need to go grocery shopping since I don’t have any coffee creamer. I used the last of it this morning. I’m looking forward to having my morning routine back. Cooking eggs and sitting with my coffee at the table pondering over my day and how to map things out so I’m most efficient. It’s going to be the weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll go to the storage unit and pull out things like my water filter, the computer, maybe go through my clothes again and pull out a few of my nicer tops since V and I want to meet again.

 

I think my date, because that’s what I’m going to call it, went really well the other night. I enjoyed myself. I laughed. I cried. I felt nervous. I felt acceptance. I was asked about the last time I had sex and was able to tell someone that story and begin letting go of those emotions.

 

I explained how I had felt really alone one of the mornings I had to take Zane to work. How we had cuddled in bed for a little bit. Things turned sexual and it was fine until the end.

 

I don’t know what it’s like for other people, but sometimes, when it’s over, I feel empty. Like… my partner has taken something from me, some energy, but hasn’t replaced it with anything else. Nothing has been given back. There wasn’t an exchange or a connection. It leaves me feeling cold, and… well… empty. Something is missing. I don’t feel connected and blissful, and warm, even if I am able to orgasm. There’s something about the interaction that is unfulfilling on an extremely deep and emotional level and it usually leaves me feeling alienated and alone.

 

That’s what it was like after Zane and I had sex the last time. The loneliness I had already been feeling intensified and it took a lot to hold it together. He knew that I wasn’t ok and asked what was wrong. I answered saying that it had felt good, but that I didn’t feel connected to him, I felt used, and I didn’t understand why and that I was sorry for feeling the way I did. Maybe it was just my grief messing up the experiences.

 

His reply was that he had been horny and “basically just needed a cumrag.” He said he knew I had wanted attention and that he took advantage of that.

 

I had been willing to try for friendship even with all of the shit that went down while mom was in the hospital and after her death. I was willing to let go of the betrayal of having another girl in what was supposed to be “our” bed, and accepting the fact that the sheets most likely weren’t washed when we tried cuddling the Saturday night that I got back to Orlando.

 

I was willing to let go of a lot of things because he “wanted to be friends”.

 

My friends don’t treat me like that. That wasn’t friendship. Taking advantage of my need for human interaction and closeness isn’t loving or caring. It’s manipulative. It’s fucked up, and I’m done with it. Point blank, end of story, I’m done.

 

I got to tell V about that experience and how it had made me feel. He didn’t say much about it. He let me cry. He hugged me while I did. He didn’t try to make it better because it’s not like anyone can go back and undo the past.

 

I’m still moving to Vegas. I’m still going to focus on myself. None of my plans have changed, but I’m grateful to V for making me feel like a human. For making me feel like I’m worth respect.

 

So there’s that. It was good to work through those emotions. It makes me feel like Zane doesn’t have power over me. The only way he can make me feel bad is if I let him. He isn’t going to change and I’m tired of being hurt. So it’s done. And as soon as the lease is taken care of I know I’ll feel that much freer from him, with the final cut being the phone plan.

 

Therapy was a lot of about my younger brother. He’s trying to come to Full Sail. Since I’m an alumnus and a staff member (for the moment at least) I can nominate him for a scholarship worth up to $40k. I’m looking into that. Currently waiting on an email from his admissions representative so we can see what needs to happen since Jon is currently over in Germany.

 

I feel stronger today than I have in a while. Still sort of tired and low energy. But strong. Stable. Solid.

 

In therapy the conversation turned to how I am doing so much better than when I first started my sessions. I said that it feels like I’m finding myself again, and for some reason that statement hurt and I started crying. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears running down my face and I didn’t know why. The statement hurt, but finding myself should be a good thing, right? So why was I crying?

 

I said that moving forward moves me further away from mom’s physical form. To me, the more “ok” I am, the further away from the moment of her death I become. The knee-jerk jump in my thoughts is, the further away I am from that moment, the further away I am from her.

 

I know that’s not true. The further away from that moment I become, the closer to her spiritual presence I become. Our relationship isn’t over, it’s just different. But there is some part of me, some section of my brain that cries out in anguish whenever I think about moving forward. I think about every new accomplishment I want to achieve. Belt testing for taekwondo. Becoming a CNA. Running another Warrior Dash.

 

I think of all of these things and what it would be like to accomplish them and part of me screams in pain because those thoughts are almost instantly followed with the thought of “Mom won’t be there.”

 

That thought feels like having something punched through my chest. It’s not a cut. It’s not a sharp pain. It’s a gaping hole of agony and normally the only thing I can do is vocalize that pain. I scream as loud as I can in my car. I cry. I grip the steering wheel so hard my hands hurt because there’s nothing for me to tear apart or punch or thrash. I scream over and over and over until the pain is finally bearable and my voice is so raw I can’t talk. I scream until it’s finally something I can simply cry over, and then I cry and whimper and sound like a beaten animal because that’s what I feel like. And then… eventually… I’m quiet and exhausted and spent and there’s a stillness inside me. A peace. An acceptance. And normally I go home and sleep. I have nothing left in me to give to anything else after those moments.

 

My mom won’t be there, physically, for any of the achievements in my life. She won’t be there to wrap her arms around me. She won’t be there to do the “I told you so” dance when I do fantastic. She won’t be there to wink at me, or smile, or for her eyes to dance and glitter with happiness for me.

 

Mom will never physically be here ever again.

 

But she’s not gone and I have so many instances to prove that. The one that comes to mind the strongest is the night I slept curled around her urn. I know she was there. I know she was holding me, and even now I can feel her presence behind me like a slight weight on my shoulders.

 

I know that my knee jerk thought of “Mom isn’t here,” isn’t the thought I truly believe. It’s a reactive thought. And for me, it’s an unhealthy thought.

 

So yeah… that’s where I’m at today. I’m finding myself again. In the landscape of my mind I’ve started for find pieces of myself and I’ve started to put them back where they belong. I’m looking at things and questioning if I want to keep them or not. Change them, maybe?

 

What do I want?

 

I still don’t know, but I’m figuring it out and that gives me some sort of resolve I guess. I’ve started doing it, so I know it can be done. It makes me feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’m on my feet again, and knowing that I’m making progress, that my journey isn’t over, makes me feel secure in myself.

 

I’ll make it through this and I’m finally starting to believe those words.

Musing Moment 0080: Unstuck?

Standard

So I might be unstuck… I’m not sure yet.

 

I think I need to give myself a break. I think I need to stop beating myself up over not having a major goal right now. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I am not going to be making a career change at the moment, so I think I should stop stressing over not having a career goal.

 

I think I should actually be giving myself credit for continuing to work on my degree. That’s going to take a lot of my time. I don’t think I should worry about having a job, and doing school, and doing a personal project, and possibly free lance, and making sure to have the laundry done and dinner cooked.

 

You know, I think I can take away the personal / career project aspect of my life and still make a pretty good argument for being busy and not wasting my time. Especially when right now I haven’t figured out the direction I want to go after this new degree. I’m still tossing the idea of the Army around inside of my head. Enlisted more than officer since that would be roughly a four year contract rather than six or more. But again, until this next year and a half is over, it’s just speculation and day dreaming, and that’s well and good, but it’s going to make me want things to be different and for the time being they’re not going to be different.

 

I think I would be happier focusing my energy somewhere else rather than worrying about things that aren’t important yet.

 

Ok, so if I’m scratching work off of the list for goals right now, what does that leave me with?

 

I want my Warrior Dash to be a goal still.

 

I realized this last night. I haven’t completed it yet. It’s still important to me, and by not including or counting it as a goal I’m devaluing all of the work I am doing to achieve it.

 

If it doesn’t count as a goal then why am I working so hard for it? If it’s not an achievement then why do it at all?

 

It is an achievement to me. It is something that I’m going to be proud of once I cross the finish line. I’m going to post pictures all over Facebook and I’m going to blog about it. And I’m going to talk about it to anyone who will listen because it’s going to be a big movement for me.

 

I don’t care if it’s inevitable, and that the night of Feburary 5th I know I’m going to sleep like crap because I’m going to be so excited and nervous, because I know I’m not going to back down. It may not be a “crazy impossible” goal anymore, but it’s still a goal, and at the moment, for the next 30 days, it’s my main focus. Really my only focus.

 

And I think that’s how most of this year is going to go. Instead of having several goals going at once like I normally do, it seems that a lot of my goals are going to be linear.

 

First will be my race. Training for it, and then actually completing it. Once that is done I will return to my dojo. That following Monday actually is when I plan to return.

 

By the end of the month I want to complete my Kyu 6 test for aikido and begin working on my belts in ernest. I will try to advance through all of the ranks until by the end of the year I am Dan 1.

 

Through all of that I will be paying down the credit card. I realized that though I will have the card extremely low by the end of February, due to needing to buy things for the apartment once John and Trevor leave, the amount is going to go back up again. So it most likely won’t be paid off completely until about halfway through the year. Which I’m fine with, but since I’m not going to be focusing on career or income related goals, trying to pay both the card off and my car loan is pretty unrealistic and sort of setting myself up for failure, which is unfair.

 

So, realistic goal, pay off the credit card, for real this time.

 

I also want to do a second Warrior Dash some time this year. I believe there is a race in North Carolina in June, which is still fairly close to me, but there are other places like Texas which could have races and would let me, potentially, visit friends I haven’t seen in a while.

 

I could participate in a color run race, or try biking. Not really to win, but just to do it. Because I think they would be fun. I don’t think I want to have any goals with the Lance Orlando fighting. I think I would rather focus on aikido this year. That and school.

 

Those will be my main goals and along the way I will reestablish the habits I have let slip. The reading a book each month. I want to continue to cross stitch for pleasure rather than trying to turn it into a profitable hobby. I know my stress level is going to go up starting next week with the return to school and having homework to worry about again.

 

I’m going to need to care for myself so I don’t get burnt out like I did before.

 

There’s been good news in regards to the apartment situation, and the past few days have been pretty awesome even though I haven’t really written about any of the events that have happened. I’m sure I will later tonight, but I wanted to type all of this out while I had the time to do it and the thoughts in my head.

 

I may be “stuck” in Florida for now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have other things that are important to me. And just because I don’t have nine million things I’m trying to get done doesn’t mean I’m a slacker or letting anyone down.

 

School is going to be intense on its own. I need to give myself more credit than I do for working on my degree. I also need to put more time into my assignments than I normally do.

 

So school, racing / becoming a better, fitter me, Dan 1 in aikido, and annihilate the credit card debt. Pretty linear like I said. One domino after the other. One class at a time, one rank at a time, one payment at a time I’ll move forward on all of these things. Each month a slow progression to a larger, bigger destination.

 

I suppose it helps that it is winter. It’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to regroup. It’s ok to not always be busy or have irons in the fire. It’s ok to sit and not be defined by what project I’m working on.

 

I think realizing that helped. I am more than my goals, and I think for a little bit I forgot that. Goals are important and they give us direction, but they’re not everything and just like with friends, it’s about quality not quantity.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons Winter is hard for me. Maybe I’m not good at sitting still and this is something I should work on. For all that I’m about inner peace and mindfulness maybe I am still missing the big picture. It’s not about being busy. Just like with writing, how it’s ok to not write and how silence is just as important if not more so. Stillness is just as important as action.

 

Stillness is where we prepare.

 

 

Musing Moment 0078: The Thing – Round 2

Standard

I’m trying to figure out what’s important to me, what I should be doing, and I think I did a pretty good job of it in my last Musing Moment post. I determined that I’m going to be finishing my degree and that for the time being I need to stay in Florida.

 

I also reaffirmed my dedication to my race. It’s not so much that my resolve was wavering. More that apathy and depression were eating at my motivation. Having figured out the main points of my life helped bring back that motivation.

 

Ok… so maybe motivation is too strong a word to use for where I was at during my last post, but after meeting with Terri this morning, and the few biking trips I’ve had the past days, I can definitely say that I am motivated again.

 

So all of that is well and good, but it still doesn’t really leave me with a lot to do. Nothing move me forward in any real direction. Nothing that will help me feel fulfilled in the short term. All of this stuff is the larger picture, and it’s great to have the overview, but what am I going to be trying to do these next three months let alone this year?

 

I’ve been going through the 30-Day Challenge by Chalene Johnson on fast forward mode. Really the first week is all I’m interested in since that’s where you align yourself with your priorities and then construct goals around them.

 

I’ve gone through the areas of my life and evaluated them on the 1-10 scale. 1 totally sucking and 10 being amazing beyond belief.

Physical Health – 7

I’m doing really well in this area, but by doing well I see how far I still want to go. And maybe this is an unfair score on my part. Maybe an 8 would have been better.

 

Emotional Health – 5

I still feel low here, though not for the same reasons as last time. Zane and I are having issues. There’s still the stress with my mom I need to figure out. I really ought to figure out some life goals as well so I can have a sense of purpose.

 

Environment – 5

To be fair, the apartment is the same as it ever was. I’m just ready for everyone to move out. Now that everything is decided I want for it to happen. I don’t want to wait. I want to rearrange and clean, and not have everyone else’s crap in the way. This honestly isn’t something I can change, and the faster I just accept the fact that the lease doesn’t end until the end of February, the faster this number can go back to being higher.

 

Financial – 8

Originally I had a 7, but I really think this area is much better than it was and deserves an 8. Zane has a job again, I’m making large payments on the card. Zane is going to start paying me back in the New Year. I’m going to be getting a raise at work once I have my review (at least I better if they want me to stay). So things are looking up. I might even have freelance coming in.

 

Leisure – 8

Right now this is pretty high. I count my biking to work as leisure because it helps me unwind. I’m cross stitching fairly often. Taking time off from school has given me time to enjoy down time where I’m not constantly working on something. It’s been nice. It’s going to end soon since classes start up in January. But for now, this is an 8. XD

 

Friends / Family – 7

I think I’m doing alright here. I’m staying in touch with some core people better than I have been. I could always be staying in touch with more people more often, but I think I’m doing alright all things considered. I haven’t completely secluded myself away and ignored people. Just partially. : D

 

Significant Other – 5

Zane and I are having issues. But we know we’re having issues, and we’re in the process of trying to fix that.

 

Career – 5

I’m still disenchanted with work. Part of this whole figuring out my goals and priorities is to help bring back the spark I used to feel, even if it ends up being in a different area.

 

Personal Growth – 5

I had to do a Google search just to make sure I was thinking of this right. Personal Growth is skills and development… I want to be going to the dojo. I want to be participating in the stage fighting. I want to be doing more things, other things. At the same time I’m doing a lot to improve myself… So I don’t know why this rates low in my head, but it does.

 

Spiritual Growth – 5

After all this time I still want to put more focus here.

 

From all of this I was able to figure out that currently my intrinsic priority, the one that comes more naturally to me, is physical health. I got that down to a science.

 

My key priority, where I think I should be focusing my time and effort, is personal growth. Personal growth would factor into my emotional health, it would hopefully impact my relationship with Zane in a positive way, it would help with my career, as well as my spiritual growth. By improving myself, focusing on me, I could, potentially, bring more balance to the other areas of my life.

 

Great. Two really big steps down! Onward to goals!

 

All I need to do is come up with 10 goals that I want to achieve this year. 10 really cool, crazy awesome, almost mildly impossible goals…

 

Goals…

 

And this is where I’m stuck. What do I want to do?

 

Um… nothing. I want to sit here and be an apathetic ball of apathy…

 

Left Brain: Just so you know… that’s not going to help you feel better.

Right Brain: Screw you and the horse you rode in on!

 

Seriously I sat in front of my computer for a good thirty minutes and only came up with three things. How hard is it to figure out things that you want to do? Apparently really hard…

 

I ended up taking a step back. I made a cup of coffee (My second one. Shhhhhh. Don’t tell anyone >.<; ), took out my notebook, and went outside to sit on the porch and brainstorm.

 

Ok, so goals. Goals are normally based around things that we find important. They’re an achievement of sorts. Alright so what do I find important right now? Health, family, happiness, and finical stability were what I came up with.

 

Awesome, lets break that down a little bit more.

 

What falls under health? Activities, food, fulfillment.

 

What activities? Biking, running, yoga, aikido, taekwondo, the Lance Orlando stuff, races. Stuff like that. Stuff I like doing, or things I want to try doing like parkour classes and archery.

 

Food? Eating healthy and fresh stuff. Finding new recipes to try, new restaurants to go to. I like the idea of food nights where people come over for games and eating. I used to do that in college and even though I’m an introvert, it fulfilled me to cook for everyone. I also enjoy eating dinner while watching a show with Zane. Actually with most of my companions. It’s something that helps me feel connected with them.

 

Cool. Good list so far for health.

 

What about happiness? Happiness I think is tied more closely with memories, so I want to make memories I guess. I want to have fun and do things that I feel are worthwhile. I want to travel and try new things. I want to indulge in active hobbies. I want to do more arts and crafts. I want to learn to sew my own cloths.

 

Financial stability is sort of self-explanatory. I want to have less debt and more money. Working less would be great while I’m at it. I have the Bank of America card still. After that is my car loan, then student loans, then the money I owe my mom for helping to cover my student loans. Fun times. Finding goals which bring in additional income would be nice.

 

And last, family. Being near them, visiting them, being involved in their lives. Communicating more frequently would be nice.

 

I’m still not sure if that gives me a whole lot to work with as far as the whole year goes.

 

I don’t want to say, “Work on Digital Arts and Design degree” because that’s lame. I’m already going to be working on that, and there’s no real end for it this year. It’s a lame, nebulous goal, that’s going to happen eventually. There’s nothing daunting or really noteworthy about getting a second degree. It’s just another piece of paper.

 

I don’t want, “Run a Warrior Dash” on my list either because that’s going to happen. It’s not really a challenge. I’m going to go. it’s going to be accomplished. The goals I’m supposed to be coming up with are supposed to be daring. Maybe saying I will run competitively for my June race would be a goal worth listing, but I don’t think I really want my races to be about competing. I want them to be for fun. Inner peace and happiness type of a thing. A goal like “win a race” isn’t in line with my happiness priority.

 

Left Brain: Damnit! Can’t you be less picky and just come up with a random handful of stuff you want to do…

Right Brain: No. Because that would be easy. Also, fuck you.

 

My right brain is so snarky today. : /

 

I have more sort term things, habits I want to create, than goals I want to reach.

 

I want to go back to reading a book each month. I want to go back to completing a career related project each week, and a personal project each month. I want Zane and I to have goals together for improving our relationship.

 

Long term I want to pay off my car loan this year. I want to reach Dan 1 rank in aikido. That’s the first level of black belt. I want to reach Dan 1 in taekwondo as well. And that’s pretty much where I’m at. Those three goals would be pretty intense. And maybe I should be happy with just those three for now. I feel like this year is going to be a lot of waiting. Waiting to finish my degree so I can move on to other things. Family related things.

 

I could work a bit on the stage fighting thing. I have to pass certain tests to be able to do stage play with certain weapons. I have to pass unarmed before I can do staves. I have to do staves before I can do spears or swords. It might be fun to try actually passing to staves, which is basically the jo in aikido, and participating in a performance. I’m not all that set on it though.

 

I can’t move yet, so I can’t do much in the family area. At least it feels like I can’t. I can make long, long term goals, but there’s nothing I can really do right now. I could save up and go out and visit, but then I doubt I could pay off the car. Not unless I started pulling in a lot more money.

 

I could make an Etsy store or something, but do I really want to be doing cross stitch or something similar, a hobby, to make money? Would that take away the fun? Would it be worth at least trying?

 

I could also fill out the Frederator contract that I’ve had since last year so I could pull in money from YouTube. I have no career related goals. I have no goals to help improve my income.

 

So I guess for now, I’m sort of stuck here. I need to do some introspective digging and until I unearth the buried treasure of what it is I want to do with my life I’m going to continue to feel sort of stuck. : /

 

So much lame.

Musing Moment 0074: Days 28 – 30

Standard

Day 28 – List Management

I’m guilty of not following this day. In Chalene’s system the to-do list is supposed to be thought of as scared ground, much like the calendar is with my system. The only things that are added to the calendar and things that have to happen on specific dates at specific times. Doctor’s appointments, work meetings, my lab schedules, due dates for assignments.

Things that if I miss them there will be consequences and bad juju.

The to-do list in Chalene’s system is supposed to be similar to the calendar in that you only add things to your to-do list that MUST be done that very day or else fire and brimstone will rain down upon your world.

My to-do list doesn’t really follow that rule. I use my to-do list as a generalized map of my day. My battle plan as I call it.

Wake up (seriously sometimes that’s on my list), make breakfast, take vitamin, bike to gym, workout, shower… You get the idea. Main events that take any significant amount of time, or things I need to remember to do, or would like to do for that day are what get penciled in on my lists, along with reminders and ad hoc things as they come up. And my lists are always, always, in pencil.

Things change and I want to be able to erase and rewrite if I need to. I’m also not scared of flipping to a new page and starting my list over from scratch if I feel things have changed too much. Old battle plan won’t work? Fine. I’ll make a new one. Screw that old one anyway. It wasn’t that awesome.

Sometimes though I get to the end of my day and there’s tons of stuff left over. Those days suck, and Chalene’s method makes it so you don’t have crummy feelings on those days because you don’t have a billion things on your list. You only have the things that you had to get done, so at the end you have a completed list, always.

The things that I didn’t get to on my list seriously didn’t need to get done specifically on that day. It just would have been really nice if I had gotten around to it. I shouldn’t feel bad about not getting to them, and to be honest I’ve gotten a lot better about it. But sometimes I still find myself feeling like I got nothing accomplished because my battle plan hardly has a scratch on it.

That being said, I’m not going to change my system. I make it work for me, which is the main thing. Chalene mentions a lot of really awesome tips, and I know for some people this is another really good one. Not so much for me, and that’s ok.

Day 29 – Fluff

Day 29 piggybacks on day 28 a little bit by focusing on our to-do list making skills. Chalene reminds us to make sure the things we are adding to our list aren’t “fluff” tasks.

If we want to be lean, mean, task destroying machines we need to make sure the tasks we’re actually completing are meaningful and worthwhile tasks. No checking Facebook or something else we might convince ourselves that needs to get done, but really doesn’t and is only eating away at our time.

She also reminds us today that the only difference between a dream and a goal is hard work. If you ever find yourself asking HOW am I supposed to do this? How is this going to get done? Then you’re already on the right track.

How would you get it done? What steps would you need to take to get to the end goal? What things need to happen? What tasks could be added to your list that would make this impossible task actually something that is manageable. Do-able. Actionable.

Asking how is the first step. Brainstorming it out is the second. Then all that’s left is to actually do the tasks. Poof! Dream to reality, along with a million pot holes and concrete walls we have to bash our heads against. : )

Day 30 – Success!

The last day of the challenge. Huzzah. I made it through it again. I’ll most likely start it up again tomorrow just because it helps me stay on track. XD

If I do I doubt I’ll be making Musing Moment posts for it. I may make small mentions in my daily writing, but over all I think I’ve written enough about the challenge to not write about it for a while.

I feel like I’m on the right track with things, so really starting the challenge over again would just be a way to make sure I stay on top of my goals rather than falling off the wagon again.

One of the things that bothers me about Chalene’s final post is how she mentions surrounding yourself with the “right” people, reading the “right” books, or listening to the “right” audio programs.

That kind of diction makes it seem like there is “wrong” stuff and that you can mess up and fail and downward spiral of doom followed closely by anxiety and panic.

While it’s true there are more helpful and useful things out there when compared to other, less awesome stuff, I don’t think things should be looked at as right and wrong. I think it should be looked at as, “Is it supportive?”

Does that person support you and your goals? Do they encourage you and build you up? Does that book provide some sort of fulfillment for you, even if it is simply pleasure for the sake of reading?

There’s not right or wrong. Do what you want to do. Just make sure that it lines up with what you want otherwise it won’t feel fulfilling, at least not in the long run. This challenge is all about figuring out life and priorities and goals and taking the steps to get to where we want to be. As long as we’re moving forward on the things that really matter to us we’re not doing anything “wrong”.

Keep being a badass.

pawn

Musing Moment 0073: Days 24 – 27

Standard

It has been a while since I did anything with my challenge writing. Guess it’s time to get caught back up.

Day 24 – Time Management

One of my biggest time sinks was Facebook, which is why I was trying to delete the stupid thing. I would waste time scroll through looking at pointless comments from people that I didn’t really consider my friends. I had so many other things I could be doing, but for some reason I was always sucked into sitting there.

It would start out as needing to respond to a message, or reply to a post from a work buddy. Something legit. But all too fast it would dissolve into thirty minutes of wasted time. And most of the time I never got around to doing what I had actually logged into Facebook to do.

I was sick of it. Of all of the social media noise that I had going on in my life. I’ve removed over half of the “friends” that I had. That has reduced the noise considerably on my Facebook feed. I have also gotten rid of several other social media accounts, which has also helped to de-clutter my life.

I’m sure it could be better, but I also feel like I have gained much more of my time back. I like where I’m at currently, so for now I will label this as a success and keep on keeping on.

Day 25 – Celebrating My Success

Day 25 in the challenge has us look back and realize everything we have accomplished and figured out in our lives. Chalene wants us to write about our biggest, proudest moment, and then promise ourselves that we will celebrate it.

Well, my proudest moment was towards the beginning when I actually sat down and figured out things that I wanted to start accomplishing with my life again. My biggest moment was not letting depression win.

I’ve already celebrated this triumph this past weekend. I went out and got my new running shoes and a spiffy awesome new biking helmet. It was more money that I thought it would be, so I haven’t gotten the bandanas I wanted, but it was totally worth the extra spending and I absolutely love the new gear that I rewarded myself with.

I’ve wanted the new shoes for so long now, and the helmet, while it wasn’t a “need” gives me warm fuzzy feelings every time I put it on. I’m not going to feel guilty. I’m allowed to have things that make me better and help push me further. I’m worth investing in. My accomplishments are worth celebrating. Guilt free.

Day 26 – Affirmation

Day 26 we take a look at our priorities, goals, and values again and reaffirm to ourselves why we are making changes in our lives.

I’m doing this for my emotional health. I’m doing this because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be a priority to myself. I am doing this because I’m worth it.

I AM a priority and I will keep working towards the goals that I want, not what other people say I should want.

Day 27 – Fixation

Sometimes we’re our own roadblocks. Sometimes we fixate on a negative thing, a negative outcome, and so we stop moving forward. We can’t move past this “thing” inside our brain, this fixation we have.

What is my fixation?

At the moment I do not think I have one. I’m focusing on my Warrior Dash. I’ve never done this before and so all I feel is the awesome forward movement of kicking it up a notch at the gym. I’m feeling good from biking everyday to work. I just did my first workout on the machines, lifting weights, in I don’t know how long. It’s a good burn, lots of endorphins.

I’m not scared. At least not yet.

I think as the date of the race gets closer I will begin to worry about not being ready enough. Not being good enough. And when that time comes I will have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter.

It honestly, truly doesn’t.

I’m not going this to be the best. I’m not doing this to finish the race and complete every obstacle. I’m doing this to prove that I can. That even if I don’t run the whole thing, or make it over every obstacle, that I have come so far. So incredibly far, and that I should be proud of simply having the balls to participate.

I shouldn’t worry about the outcome or the destination. I should simply enjoy the process, the journey, because that’s what it’s really about.

Musing Moment 0067: Day 15

Standard

Day 15 – Thanks for thinking of me

Chalene’s 30 day challenge has really helped me out in the past. I think day 15, when I actually ended up getting to it, helped me out the most.

A lot of the stress I tend to feel comes from biting off more than I can chew. I accept projects that I really shouldn’t. I take on things out of a sense of obligation because I feel bad, or wrong, saying no, even though the extra work doesn’t have a payoff for me, or any sort of benefit.

Day 15 focuses on learning to say “no” without actually saying it. I’ve gotten super good at it, and I don’t feel soul crushing ickiness when I decline something anymore. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard at first, but it got easier, and I feel like I’m in a better place for having learned my own limits and respecting them.

When I feel myself burning out I acknowledge it and take a step back. I delegate tasks to other people when I need to, and I don’t kick myself for weakness anymore. At least I try not to.

Chalene’s tip is to try to change our initial, knee-jerk reaction to always accept things instantly.

Instead, she recommends trying to say, “Oh wow. Thanks so much for thinking of me. Let me check out my schedule first, and I’ll get back to you.”

This gives you a chance to think about whatever is going on, evaluate it, and determine, without pressure, if it’s something you actually want to take on.

I know it’s helped me out over and over again, and it’s one of the many things I’m grateful for having picked up.

Musing Moment 0064: More Challenge Stuff

Standard

Day 10 – Rethink Your Goals

One thing that I never really do with Chalene’s 30 Day Challenge is recreate my goals. I normally stick with that I first come up with, come hell or high water. This time though I actually sat down and rewrote my goals.

Some of them have actually changed. I am feeling more inspired by work, mostly because I have actually been doing work and I can see where the curriculum can be improved. It also helps that I’m not super depressed and I have the energy to look outside of myself and to care.

So after a little bit of thinking this is what I’ve come up with.

  1. Run the Warrior Dash in February
  2. Complete the SAL course work before December
  3. Create pdfs for the SAL assignments before January
  4. Pay off Bank of America credit card by February
  5. Get gauntlet tattoos by May
  6. Achieve 1st Dan rank in aikido by next December
  7. Achieve 1st Dan rank in taekwondo by next December
  8. Reach size 14 by May
  9. Run a solid mile by January
  10. Create a SAL reel focusing on glass, crystals, and grunge

Half of my goals are in some way health related, and the rest are sort of work related. A lot of the “health” goals deal with personal and spiritual growth though, which heavily factor into my emotional health, which is what I decided my key priority was supposed to be.

I’m feeling so much better than what I was a few sort weeks ago. It’s almost insane how much different, lighter, and just in general emotionally healthier I already feel. I feel like I’m standing back up again, and now I’ll be able to move forward on all of the things I want.

These goals are a little different from the ones last week, but I feel like they are more solid. I actually want to achieve all of them, rather than just writing them down because I feel like those should be the things I want.

Day 11 – Skill Mastery

Day 11 is when you begin focusing on what skills you need to have in order to achieve your push goal. Right now my push goal is the Warrior Dash. I’ve already upgraded my ZenLab apps and plan to begin using them tomorrow. I just got done with an extra bike ride, and there’s yoga later today, so cut me some slack on the number of pushes I’m not going to be doing… >.>

I do want to start moving on my black belt goals though, so I think the first search I’m going to be doing is finding podcasts / videos for practice routines for taekwondo. I want to go back to practicing the punches, kicks and first stance. Maybe doing that for roughly 10 minutes or so each day after my bike rides?

I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out. First thing is first though. Got to find material so I’m not just flailing around hoping I don’t break things.

Day 12 – Blood Type = “Be Positive”

Ahhh, day 12. The day that is always hard for me. This is where we admit that we have evil voices in our head that berate us. All those self deprecating comments… we have to own up to them and realize that we’re not all that nice to ourselves most of the time.

For a while I was doing good with staying on the “Positivity Train”. Until recently, though, I was full of hurtful, hateful comments that I directed only at myself.

  1. You’re a failure.
  2. You’re disappointing everyone.
  3. You’ll never get anywhere in life.
  4. Why don’t you just give up? It’s not like anything matters anyway?
  5. You can’t do this. It’s too hard for you and you know it.

How is that at all ok to say to anyone, much less yourself?

Sticking with the assignment from Chalene here are my five positive, first-person counters to those comments.

I am NOT a failure. I’m actually pretty amazing and a badass.

I’m not disappointing anyone. Not even myself because I’ve kept going through all of this. I’ve survived and I’m getting back on track. There is nothing disappointing in perseverance.

I have gone many places in life, and will continue to do so. The only difference between a dream and reality is hard work.

Maybe some things don’t matter. But I’ll never give up, and just because something doesn’t matter to someone else doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me. I only put effort into things that I think are worth-while, and if something gives me fulfillment then it matters.

I CAN do this. I am doing this. It’s not too hard. It’s hard enough to make it worth it. Nothing that is worth having in life is going to be inside my comfort zone. I’m going to have to stretch for it. Reach. Push myself. And once I get whatever I’m striving for it will be that much sweeter because it wasn’t something handed to me. It was something I worked for and achieved. It made me better in some way because I actually did something.

And with that I am caught back up with the challenge. Off I go to continue my plans of world domination. : D

Musing Moment 0064: To-do List Triggers

Standard

Day 9 – Triggers

My triggers haven’t changed. I still check my list at the beginnings and endings of my labs. Any time I get into or out of my car. Any time I change location. Any time I complete a task I assess where I’m at and what needs to change, be added, or removed from my seemingly never ending list.

I have this down to a working science for me. So there’s not much to write about really. I’ve been doing better about making my to-do lists at night before bed, along with writing, but I don’t think two days is really all that much to go on… Further data is required.

So really things are going fairly well. I still need to set up a solid workout routine, other than my biking, but with how much I got done yesterday and how active I’ve been this week what with biking to work, I’m sort of ok if that gets pushed back until the weekend, or tomorrow since I’ll have Friday to myself.

And really at this point I’m just rambling. I have other things I need / want to get taken care of in the next hour and a half, so I guess I should get going.

images

Musing Moment 0063: Figuring Out My Dash

Standard

Day 8 – Breaking it Down

Today we’re supposed to take our uber push goal and break it down into a battle plan. What’s the next, most immediate step that needs to be accomplished? What research needs to happen? What calls need to be made? What things need to be purchased or obtained? Do other people need to be involved?

Basically you brainstorm out the whole thing so your actions become clear. The goal seems less daunting because it’s not just random ideas floating around inside our heads, it’s clear actionable tasks that can get done. You have your road map so all that needs to happen is to execute it now.

Well… with my goal of completing a Warrior Dash, there’s not really much that needs to happen as far as steps go.

Step 1: Find workout routines
Step 2: Do them
Step 3: Sign up for race
Step 4: Run race
Step 5: Feel like a badass

Seems pretty straightforward to me. The main thing with this goal is that it’s more time oriented. It’s not going to happen over night. It’s not going to be completed in the next month.

I guess I should figure out when I want to run a race, what would be a realistic time frame, and then set my sights on that date. Right now it’s just a nebulous, “I will run the race sometime,” but that doesn’t give me anything to really strive for. I don’t have a deadline to push myself against.

So finding routines to help with training, and then finding the race I want to run. Those are my next steps. Possibly finding high protein meals as well since I’m going to be doing more strength stuff than I have in a while…

Ok, ok… so there’s a lot of things that I can add to my battle plan for this goal… That’s the whole point of this, though. Thinking about what it’s actually going to take so I can set myself up for success.

Workout routines, training time frame, and meals. Off I go to consult the all mighty Google.