priorities

Musing Moment 0062: Catching Up

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I feel sort of lame. I’m already like five days behind on this challenge. Off to a great start… But I’m going to try to keep pushing forward with it.

Day 3 – Goals

Day three is when you pick 10 goals you want to work on. Sadly I think this is the first time where I can’t really think of any. Maybe it’s because I’m still floundering in a lot of the areas of my life. This is what I came up with though.

Create a new rigging demo reel
in the next six months.

I want to create a new reel. One that isn’t full of my student work. I want to find projects that actually inspire me to use my skills and improve my talents instead of freelance projects that are frustrating and unfulfilling. Maybe actually working on projects I’m invested in will help to spark my interest in my field once again and help combat the burnout I’m experiencing.

Get gauntlet and grieve tattoos
in next six months.

I’m tired of not having my tattoos, which is something I’ve complained about on and off since the beginning of this blog. I will not compromise on these any longer. In the next six months I will obtain this marks because I deserve to have them. I have met all of the goals for them and I am doing a disserve to myself by denying my right to have them.

Rebrand professional website
in the next nine months.

Along the same lines as creating a new reel, updating my branding could help revive my passion for my work. Cleaning up my professional website, possibly even creating my own rather than using Wix could help give me purpose and drive, along with a sense of accomplishment for actually creating something.

Run a Warrior Dash
in the next nine months.

I have always thought of doing this. Training for a Warrior Dash would line up with my health goals, and again, give me something to be motivated for. Completing or even attempting a Warrior Dash will show me that I have actually made progress in this area of my life. When I graduated high school there was no way I could have participated in something like this. Even now, I know I wouldn’t fair every well. But with training and dedication there’s no reason I couldn’t. This is something I want for myself.

Reach a size 14
by next December.

Numbers really do not matter to me. My goal is to be healthy, but I feel this is a realistic number that I can reach in my overarching goal for better health. It will be the smallest I can remember being in my adult life.

Become a black belt in Aikido
by next December.

This will be an ambitious goal, especially with how I am currently not practicing. I feel I could reach this goal, however. I want to attempt it. I want to go back to my dojo. I want the peace I found in practicing. I want to prove to myself that I can still learn new skills and grow. I want to reach the first level of Dan so I can push even further.

Become a black belt in Taekwondo
by next December.

This follows the goal for Aikido. I enjoy this style of martial arts. I like the difference I feel compared to Aikido. I want to reach a black belt in this form to prove to myself that I can.

Pay off the car loan and
Bank of America card by next December.

I don’t know how I can do this one. Especially right now, from where I’m at, which feels trapped and tied down. There are so many ways I could though. I could actually do the Fredinator contract so I get revenue from my YouTube channel. I could create scripts to sell. I could take on the Metaverse form moderator position. I have avenues I could pursue to actually accomplish this ambitious, almost outrageous, goal. I could begin taking on freelance projects for my design degree. I need to find the avenue that would give me fulfillment so the time and effort put towards this goal will seem worth it.

Complete quilt for Jace
by next January.

My nephew is growing up so fast. It makes me realize how much I’m not doing with my life currently. How I’m thrashing and struggling, but against myself, and hurting only myself in the process. His birthday is in January. I don’t have the time to start and finish a full quilt by the time his birthday comes around, but I do want to complete a quilt for him by his next birthday. It was something I told my mom I wanted to do for Jace when he was born and I feel if I actually began work on this project AND completed it that I would feel accomplished. I feel I would have given Jace something meaningful, something of myself.

Day 4 – Push Goal

So out of all the things I listed there’s a main goal, a push goal, which will make the other ones easier to accomplish. By working towards it, I’m also working towards other objectives and so there’s a bit of a domino affect.

I believe my push goal, at least at the moment, would be to train for my Warrior Dash. By training for it I would not only be working towards my goal of running the race, but I could incorporate training for my aikido and taekwondo goals into it as well, and all of those goals push me close to my goal of being healthier.

Which, honestly, I think those goals will make me happier than my other ones. I want to focus on my self. I want to be selfish and indulge in my shadow traits and take time for me, to make me better, stronger. Training would give me alone time. It would give me space. It would be working me towards where I’ve wanted to be for a while now.

I want to shut out my career which is full of expectations from other people. Outside voices and noise. I want to shut out school, social, and life in general. I want to lose myself in myself and when I reemerge I will come out transformed. A better me.

Thinking about these goals, reaching them, makes me feel calmer, motivated. It makes me want to go out and do things. It makes me feel like there’s a reason to get up.

Day 5 – Important Person Promise

I’m supposed to promise important people in my life that I’m going to reach my goals, but you know what? I’m not going to promise anyone this time. This isn’t an obligation. This isn’t for other people so they can have the power to make me feel bad or like I’ve disappointed them.

This is for me, because I want to feel better. This is for me to prove that I can as long as I stop standing in my own way.

Day 6 – The To-Do List

I’ve gotten slack with this. I don’t make my lists in a consistent place or time. I just hope and pray that I am able to get to it before my day goes into chaos.

No longer.

I will write my blog EVERY NIGHT before going to sleep. I will make sure I have time to do it, before I get too tired. I will go back to having a cup of tea every night, and as I drink my tea I will write my blog and before going to sleep I will write my to-do list for the coming day. I will see what time restraints I have, and figure out what I want to get taken care of in the windows of time I have. I will make sure there is always time for my training. I will make sure I provide myself enough time to recharge. I will limit the social obligations I give myself because right now socializing isn’t my priority.

Training and recharging through activities such as cross stitching my nephew’s quilt are both things that will help me improve my emotional health and help me get closer to the goals I am currently focusing on.

Day 7 – The Brain Dump

Currently I’m on day seven, but I don’t feel like I can finish this task before the end of work, and really I would rather be at home when I do this section any way. So I will save it for now and do an additional post for it later.

Aside from figuring out my goals, I feel this is the most important thing to complete. Figuring out my life, the tasks and loose ends that need to be taken care of so I feel like I’m on top of things again rather than drowning in all of my incomplete “obligations”. This is where I clean house and figure out where I am, and give myself a battle plan for getting back in control.

So yeah, I need more than 10 minutes for this. I’m happy with all of the progress I have made so far, though. I’m feeling like I have direction again.

Musing Moment 0061: The Battle Plan

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Day two of the 30 day challenge. Today is the day where you figure out essentially where you should be focusing your energy. What should be your priority? With out further ado… my thoughts about my life and the battle plan I came up with.

My intrinsic priority, the priority that comes most naturally to me is physical health and my career / purpose, even though both of those areas are sort of sucking right now.

My key priority, the one that I need to be focusing on, is I feel my emotional health.

Much like the last time I did this challenge though, to see changes in my emotional health I need to focus on other areas. I need to find balance, contentment, and peace again, and I can’t do that by focusing on my emotions. My emotional health is greatly impacted by other areas of my life, and so by focusing on those other areas I will be in turn building up my emotional strength.

I will honor this priority, my emotional health, but maintaining a workout routine again. I will clean up my eating habits as well, which have gotten slack due to feelings of depression. I will make time for myself. Quiet, alone time, where I can fully decompress. I will ensure the leisure activities I participate in are legitimately leisure for me and are restoring actives that I am invested in. I will figure out what I want to do with my career relatively soon, so as not to feel stagnant and trapped in that area of my life.

Procrastinating on figuring out my career would not be honoring my commitment to my emotional health, regardless of how icky the situation may be at first. Using depression as an excuse to not workout or to cook proper meals would also be dishonoring my emotional health because I will feel guilty for my choices later. Spending time on actives that I don’t want to be doing will add to my feelings of frustration and stagnation, again, dishonoring my commitment to feeling better.

My emotional health is important. Caring for myself is important. The reason I am in the emotional state I am in right now in large part has to do with the fact that I stopped caring for my wellbeing. I need to go back to treating myself properly, caring for my self as I should, in order to see the changes I want.

Musing Moment 0057: The ‘N’ Word

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Days 14 and 15. The halfway mark. Tomorrow we remake our goal list, which I’m actually looking forward to for once.

But for today it’s about understanding how a to-do list is supposed to function. It’s not enough to just write stuff down. Understanding what the most important, most immediate task is, and then actually doing it, is where the magic really happens.

It’s understanding what actions would have the most payoff.

I’ve gotten pretty good at doing that, and I like to think that’s why I’m able to blow through so many tasks when I actually get a chance to sit down and do things, unlike last night…

The topic of saying the ‘N’ word comes up on day 15. That evil little guy that everyone hates hearing.

No.

Yep. I typed it. No.

No. No. No. No. No.

I’ve gotten good at turning down requests and NOT feeling guilty about it. I’ve learned to respect my time, and my own sense of inner peace and my own goals and priorities.

I can’t say yes to everyone. In fact, most of the time I don’t want to. I know that makes me sound heartless to some. I should be giving and caring and help other people succeed, and all of this other feel good stuff.

But being blatantly honest, I have my own stuff going on. I’m working on making myself better. If your request lines up with something that I want to do, than yeah, sure, maybe. As long as I have the time for everything else I need to do.

I’m done with bending backwards to the point that it feels like I’m breaking for people, because there are so few people who will return the favor for me.

I am a bit kinder than just flat out saying no. I say that I need to look over my schedule and double check that I’ll be able to do such-and-such. That gives me time to actually think it over, because sometimes the person just catches me at a bad time.

Person: “Hey I know you just got done working 12 hours, and that you’ve been bombarded with questions for that entire time, but would you mind putting in even more time helping to this really cool thing that I really have no idea how to do?” : D

Me: Um… no. Go die in a fire. K. Thanks. Bye. /hides under a rock

A very extreme exaggeration. But you get the point. Sometimes I just need a little breathing room to actually think through something before making a decision. Saying that I need to check my schedule first gives me that time. I make a reminder on my to-do list and when I feel up to it, I made a decision.

I’m not obligated to anything, and the other person isn’t left with expectations. It’s still up in the air. This gives me the added advantage of being able to send a text message or an email, rather than having to have the ‘no’ conversation in person, which can be awkward for everyone involved.

Overall, I think I’ve got a handle on my to-do list and my need to make everyone happy. I need to make myself happy first. Then I can look at helping out other people.

Musing Moment 0051: Goals

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Day three and four are about goals.

Day three was supposed to be yesterday, but I already had a full day planned out for me, so I didn’t sweat about not getting to this. Chalene makes you write out 10 goals, and not just ordinary, easy goals. Goals that are going to be a stretch, that excite you but make you a little uncomfortable at the same time.

So here are the 10 goals for the year that I want to accomplish.

I have paid $2000 on my Bank of America card.
I have lost an additional 60 lbs.
I can run an 8 minute mile.
I have completed setting up my Fredenator contract.
I have become a Maya Professional Certified User.

I do have 1000 followers on social media.
I have completed my Rigbox Reborn scripts.
I have created a new demo reel.
I have completed 6 months worth of dance classes.
I have earned $2000 in story commissions.

I have earned $1000 in art commissions.

We’re supposed to write our goals as if we have already accomplished them, so past or present tense.

Out of that list there is a push goal. A goal which will make most if not all of the other goals possible. That’s supposed to be day four. And it’s only now that I realize I didn’t really do much for spiritual growth… Most of this is personal or financial. Oh well. This is what I wanted, and still want. Goals fluctuate, too, so as I go through the challenge these goals may change.

Not going to sweat about it.

Back to the push goal. I’m going to go with the story commissions.

Back before I went to college I used to write fiction on a handful of different websites. I had several inquires about commissions, which, as a 21-year-old, terrified me, so I never did anything with it. I honestly think that I could easily make $2000 if I started writing again.

The same with art commissions. I have done them in the past, so I know if I set up my accounts again I could pull money in that way. There’s also the Fredenator contract that I haven’t completed yet which would allow me to profit from my Youtube channel.

I have options that I can look into, and since right now my biggest stress is my financial situation, taking steps to alleviate it would, I think, be the best move. My most immediate goal has always been to pay off the Bank of America card. I think if I can accomplish that a large financial, mental, and emotional burden will be lifted from me.

Having more money would also make it easier to obtain the certifications I want, since those will require purchasing a few books and the test vouchers. The dance classes will also be an expense even though they factor into physical and spiritual health. That’s also assuming that I like the classes, or that my schedule allows me the convenience of entertaining the notion.

There are a lot of factors, but I have several avenues to look at for bringing in extra income. It always comes back to money. Always.

Arg.

No excuses. Let’s do this.

Musing Moment 0050: Intrinsic vs. Key

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My Intrinsic Priority, the thing that comes most naturally to me, has always been work. Though I can’t say that I have been putting much effort into it lately, when I was I was giving it my all. School, work, it is what I use to define who I am. It is what I use to measure my worthiness.

Did I do a good job? Do people appreciate my time and effort? Did I contribute to the project? Did I do my best? Am I proud of the work I did? Are other people proud? Did I bring those I represent honor?

Those are the questions that go through my head at the end of a project. At the end of almost everything I do, and even though I have scored myself low in this area, I know on the inside that this is my Intrinsic Priority.

My key priority, what I aught to be focusing on… I’m not sure. There are so many areas of my life that I have scored low, and they are all areas that are interconnected. There are not clear lines separating them into nice, neat categories for me.

Working out ties into personal and spiritual growth for me. Career, personal growth, and finances tie into emotional heath. All of them go into emotional health. So I can’t say that Emotional Health is my key priority, because focusing on that isn’t really where I need to focus. Emotional health, or sickness in this case, is the symptom, not the cause, so focusing on it will not solve the underlying issue.

Really, after thinking about it for a bit, I honestly think that I should give most of my energy to Personal and Spiritual growth to correct my imbalance.

Why these Key Priorities

Focusing on personal growth would factor into my career, physical health, and possibly finances, which would in turn factor into emotional health. Spiritual growth would filter into personal growth, possibly career, physical health and ultimately emotional health.

I feel those two areas would have the biggest impact on my overall wellbeing.

How will I honor my choice?

I will finish reading The Eight Fold Path as well as my other Buddhist book. I feel that will help me accept where I am currently at and provide assistance with dealing with the internal conflict I feel. I feel it will open me to new perspectives.

I will work towards my goal of Maya Certification. I will go back to my meal planning, hopefully with the support of Zane. I will begin working out in the morning rather than waiting until later in the evening like I have been, since one of the excuses I use is being tried at night. I miss the way I felt in the morning having already accomplished something major for myself and my own personal gains.

Cutting the Crap

To ensure I honor my key priorities I will limit how much I procrastinate by allowing depression to hold me back. When I feel like making an excuse, when I hear the evil voice in my head whispering its spiteful words, I will counter them. I will refuse to listen and I will ask myself, “Do my actions support my goals?”

I will be proud of my actions from now on. I will stand behind them and not be ashamed. I will hold my head high and proudly say that no, I did not stay on the couch, I didn’t stay in bed. I actually did the things I wanted to do, even if it was hard. Even if I didn’t want to do them. I did.

I’m awesome, and that little voice can shove it. I’ll prove it wrong, just like I have time and time again. I’ll get to where I want to be, even if I have no idea where that is at the moment.

Priority Clarity Statement

So, for clarification… My key priorities are personal and spiritual growth. I will continue exploring Buddhism as a way to find inner peace and connectedness with myself and the world around me. With reality. I will return to focusing on my physical health and improving myself as an artist both in my digital design endeavors and my computer animation skills.

I would be dishonoring my key priority if I continue to make excuses to not do the things I know will move me forward on my goals. I would be dishonoring my priority if I can not look someone in the eye and unashamedly recount my actions when asked what I did during my day.

I will limit the attention I give the negative words in my head. In fact, I will cut them down as soon as they are uttered. I am not the negative things I say to myself. I am better than that. I am awesome. I am not a failure. I am not weak. I am not a waste. I am amazing. I am successful. I am a badass and a warrior and I will find my inner peace once again. I will heal these emotional wounds and return to being the strong figure I know I can be.

Musing Moment 0046: Grateful

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I’ve been losing my fight with Depression.

Zane is being denied school due to previous defaulted loans. Good side on that situation is I do not have to worry about cosigning on anything. Bad side is that I am still the only financial support in the Zane / Jen unit.

There has been so much talking and crying and anger and sadness and ups and downs on both sides of this dynamic over the past week and each day I get to the end and I feel I have nothing left.

There is nothing in me except this overwhelming need to sleep. My eyes hurt, my ears refuse to understand sound, and my mind shuts off to everything, because anything, no matter how small, is just too much to handle.

There’s only this need to stop thinking and worrying and stressing, processing, understanding. To just get away from it all, and the only way I can is by crawling under the covers, hiding, letting the tears silently fall as I try to convince myself that I’m not a failure, that things aren’t really as bad as I think they are. That there’s a purpose to all of this strife, and once I come through this I’ll look bad and kick myself for having such a hard time with it.

That’s all in the future though. Right now, in my present, all I can see is the darkness around me. The un-climbable walls that surround me and keep me here, that make me feel trapped and hopeless because every step I try to take I am met with resistance.  I am so tired that it feels easier to collapse and give up and accept that this is my lot in life and that I’ll never get to where I want to be, where I want to go. I’ll never finish the adventures I’m on, I’ll never start the ones I want.

But I know that’s not true. And to prove to myself that things aren’t crumbling, that things aren’t has awful as my Evil Voice wants me to believe I’m going to write about all the things I can think of that I’m grateful for.

I’m grateful for the computer I’m typing this on. I’m grateful for the job that I have which provided me with said laptop. I’m grateful for the car that I have that gets me to and from my job, and the grocery store, and all the other places I want to go. I’m grateful for the paycheck I have that lets me put gas in said car, and buy things from said grocery store.

I’m grateful for the money that gets taken out from my paycheck for things like my medical insurance and eye care. I’m grateful for the Internet that lets me go online to see how much I actually make each month. I grateful for the Internet because it lets me play music on Spotify.

I’m grateful for my phone which I can use while at the gym to keep me motivated to run that extra interval, because it helps me to push myself to be better than I am.

I’m grateful for the people I’m able to call with my phone, like my mom, or my boss. I’m grateful for the apps that I have on it which keep me connected to things like Facebook and my Gmail, because where would I be without all of those notification from Domino’s about the deals they have going on?

I’m grateful for the annoying notifications that I receive from Facebook because it means that I have friends, actual friends, and when they tag me in things it’s because they are thinking of me.

I’m grateful for the apartment that I’m in. I’m grateful that it has air conditioning that works in the middle of summer in the middle of Florida. I’m grateful that it has a fridge that works so I have a place to put the food that I buy and cook. I’m grateful that it has a stove and a microwave. I’m grateful that it has cabinets for me to put my glassware. I’m grateful that it’s a cat friendly environment.

I’m grateful that I have Scarlet with me, and that she has been with me for 15 years. I am grateful for the affection she shows me, and that she puts up with me picking her up and cuddling her.

I’m grateful for Witcher 3, which Frank gave me for free. I’m grateful for the tablet that I bought from Sabrina for super cheap to help with my classes. I’m grateful for the notebooks I’m able to use to write my to-do lists down in. I’m grateful for my red cup that I hold in my hands during the morning, drinking my coffee as I piece together my days.

I’m grateful for the purple backpack that I bought to carry around all of my tech stuff to and from school. I’m grateful for the headset that I have which lets me record my podcasts. I’m grateful for the mouse that lets me rig characters in Maya easier.

I’m grateful for my intelligence. I’m grateful for my sensitivity and intuitiveness. I’m grateful for my compassion towards others.

I’m grateful for the bed I sleep in. I’m grateful for the sheets that I kick off of myself during the night when I get too warm. I’m grateful for the computer chair I’m able to sit in. I’m grateful for my bookcase and all of the books I have been able to afford over the years. I’m grateful for the art supplies that I have, and all of the projects I have been able to complete.

I am grateful for all of the talents I have been able to develop and grow over the years. I’m grateful for my creativity and my ability to see the world and situations differently.

I am grateful for my uniqueness.

I am grateful for the love and support that I have. I am grateful for the people who allow me to be in their lives because I know I am a finicky person.

I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in the past, good and bad, because they made me who I am today. I am grateful for this situation because it is testing me.

I am grateful that Life gives me challenges to remind me to enjoy the good times when that are there, and to remind me to be grateful for the things I do have.

I am grateful for my body which is healthy and whole. I am grateful that I am able to run, bike, walk, skip, and splash in puddles on rainy days. I am grateful for my flexibility. I am grateful that I can breath unassisted. I am grateful for my clothing, my glasses, my bandanas, my headphones.

I am grateful for the Magic cards I have and the friends who play games with me. I am grateful for the time that I have each day. I am grateful that I have the ability to waste time scrolling mindlessly through the Internet.

I’m grateful that I have the luxury of feeling depressed. I’m grateful that I have good times to compare this bad time too. I’m grateful that I have people who understand that I need to feel bad, and that this moment in time is temporary. I’m grateful that I can still get hugs from people. I’m grateful that they let me cry and don’t think less of me for it.

I’m grateful that Zane thinks this situation is unfair. I’m grateful that he understands that it is hard for me. I’m grateful that he is trying. I am grateful that he thinks this is wrong and wants to fix it.

I am grateful that I was able to wake up this morning. I am grateful that I am able to cover all of my expenses. I am grateful that I am still able to make goals and priorities. I am grateful that I can change my direction in life and to forge my own path. I am grateful for the opportunities that I both take and walk away from because it means I have options.

I am grateful that I am strong.

I am grateful that I can start things over. I am grateful that I have the ability to fix and reevaluate things. I am grateful that I can problem solve. I am grateful that I can brainstorm. I am grateful that I have people I can look up to for inspiration.

It is fully within myself to fix my problems, because they’re not really problems. These walls aren’t really obstacles; they’re not really un-scalable. I am an unstoppable force. The only thing that keeps me from moving forward is myself. All I need to do is to find the next step I want to take. The next direction I want to go.

Staying in bed, sleeping 14 hours a day, not doing work, not writing, not eating, not going to the gym, isn’t’ going to move me anywhere. It is going to keep me in a situation, in a mindset, that I do not want.

I don’t enjoy depression, so why is it that I seem to want to wallow in it? Eat terrible food that totally goes against all of your health goals, skip out on the gym because you don’t ‘want to be around people’, and instead mope around and feel sorry for yourself…

That isn’t ok. That is not a helpful mindset. Those are not helpful actions.

I may be in a stressful situation, but there are so many ways that it could be worse, and there are so many things in my life that show that I am accomplished and figuring things our for myself.

There is no reason for this situation to win. It pales in comparison to the other trials and tribulations I have faced in the past. The thing that makes this so much harder is Fear. This irrational, debilitating fear, which leaves me paralyzed and drained.

I’m tired of being scared. I’m tried of getting to the end of the day and feeling like I had a shitty fight. I’m tired of feeling like I’m getting my ass kicked by an opponent that doesn’t exist. In a way it feels like I’m Korra, fighting an imaginary enemy that only I can see. It feels like I’m fighting myself.

The poison is very real, but it is within myself to purge it. I need to figure out my priorities, my actions, and then dedicate myself to them enough to actually follow through.

It might not be easy. It might not be fun. But if I want it bad enough then I’ll actually do it.

I don’t know what my next steps are. I still have to figure it out. But it’s not going to be going back to sleep. It’s not going to be staying in my night cloths. It’s not going to be going out to a drive thru because I don’t have it in me to cook.

I put the cloths away today. I went to the store and bought rice. I wrote for the first time in almost a week. I’ve showered and run the dish washer.

I haven’t been graceful, elegant, or fun to be around, in any form of the word, for the past week. I’m working on changing that, one action at a time.

My next action… Go boil rice so I can have dinner before going to work.

I am grateful for my ability to see other perspectives.

I am an Earth Dragon, and I will not lose, especially not to myself.

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Daily Post 0152: New Direction

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Ok. So Friday sucked. Mostly because the first thing that happened when I got home Thursday evening is Zane and I talked about finances. He hasn’t been able to land a new job yet, and he still hasn’t been called in to work at the lounge. They haven’t outright fired him, which I think is pretty lame, but they’re not giving him hours either.

So… Even though I said I wouldn’t do it, I’m paying his share of rent. He said that Trevor was fine with me not paying my share as long as the storage unit was covered. Which would be fine except that not only do I have to cover roughly $400 (two hundred more than my own rent, so it’s already doubled), but I have to cover the unit completely on my own as well. Another $140.

My rent is over double what I had had agreed to when I moved in. I can’t pay down my credit card the way I want. I can’t look into getting a personal trainer. I can’t in good conscious start getting my tattoos…

Pardon me while I go hate life because things aren’t going the way I want them to, how I was told they would go. This wasn’t what I signed up for. I don’t think it’s fair. And yes. I’m going to spend the night and following day being angry about it because it feels like this always, ALWAYS, happens.

So that was Friday.

My break down at the bank was due to having to withdrawal $20 for the laundry card. Another expense that I am having to cover on my own. Another responsibility on top of all of the others. Another weight. More money that I, solely, am bleeding out and not being able to put towards the things that I want.

I know on a logical level that this situation is different from the ones I have been in before. Zane is actively looking for a new job. He helps with chores around the house. We have open communication. He understands and empathizes where I’m coming from and doesn’t fault me for my emotions.

There’s all these things that make it different.

On an emotional level I don’t feel a difference. It feels the same way it has in my past relationships. And that’s not a good feeling. I’m left wondering why it’s so hard for people to take care of themselves. Why is it that I seem to magically be able to hold a job that not only supports me, but them as well? Why can’t it be equal and fair? Why does that seem like so much to ask for?

Why does it seem to be a trade off? I can either have my paycheck be my own, and be completely miserable because I’m alone, or I can have a significant other where it feels like all of my goals and financial priorities get screwed.

We talked about all of that when I got home Friday. It wasn’t a fun conversation, but I felt better for it afterwards, and Zane was fantastic and made comfort food for dinner and let me play my game uninterrupted. It was pretty much me ignoring the world and slowly aligning myself with reality.

Left Brain: Ok, Jen. You’re in this situation, again. Accept it and move forward.

Right Brain: Ok… Let me slaughter this monster first. And then kill that group of bandits. And this pack of rabid dogs… And anything else that moves…

Who said video games aren’t therapeutic?

Saturday I had work. I was recovering from Friday’s emotional discord, which, I’m getting sort of tired of having discord. Because I was recovering I didn’t want to be around people, so I really didn’t want to be at school. I survived, though. It wasn’t a bad day, just a lame day.

Zane made his sriracha chicken for dinner and I made veggies to go with it. Yay kitchen bonding time. Other than that the day was uneventful.

Oh. I went running. Pretty decent, but nothing amazing. No record setting or anything. Just a normal run, which is always better than no run.

Sunday was another low day. I cross-stitched, did laundry, did dishes, in the evening Zane and I meal planned so I have my grocery list for today.

We went to Del Taco for lunch since I had said I wanted us to do something together. We came home and started watching a new anime. I can’t remember the name of it, but we’re only two episodes in and I’m really liking it. It’s supposed to be on the same level as Attack on Titan as for as the feelz go.

Last night sort of sucked. Zane wasn’t able to sleep, so he was up messing around on his laptop for a while, which kept me awake until about 3:30 at which point I went out to the living room and slept on the couch. I came back into the room around 7am and slept until 10ish.

I had wanted to wake up at 8am to go to the gym, but that wasn’t happening with how little sleep I got. Arg. I haven’t figured out how to restructure my day to get the gym in. I was going to go to a spin class, so I could go to the class at 5:30 instead. I haven’t decided yet, but I will shortly.

On a totally unrelated note, something that I have decided to do as of yesterday morning is join the Army. I spent most of yesterday researching.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about it on this blog before. I know I have in the past. I know this is the third time where I’ve kicked the idea around. Before it was more, “I’ll lose the weight and see if I still want to join.”

Now it’s a solid goal. I’m going to join.

I don’t think this has anything to do with Zane, though on a subconscious level it may be. Maybe this is my giving Florida and my job a giant middle finger because I’m tired of feeling trapped here.

I made a list in my head and this is what I came up with:

Help with student loans
Free travel
Lines up with health goals
Help with remaining degrees (psychology / sociology)
Gain additional trade skills
Join as an officer due to degrees
Pads resume

It really has nothing to do with pride for my country, which I know diminishes my actions in some people’s eyes. My reasons not virtuous and selfless. They’re not noble.

No. They’re not noble. They’re realistic. I want to get to certain places in my life, the military can help me get there. I understand how the military works since I was raised in a military family, and I know I do well in structured environments. It would be a mutually beneficial relationship, which would only last a handful of years. I’m not expecting to stay there for the rest of my life.

I wouldn’t be able to get my tattoos for a while longer, but I haven’t started them yet. It’s not like with how things are going right now that I would be able to get them in the while anyway, and maybe that’s just me being jaded.

Either way, I’ve gone 15 years without them. I think I could survive another 4 to 6.

I’m tired of not having something that I’m moving towards. I’m tired of waiting for things to change. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing. Nothing except complaining.

This gives me a direction. This gives me phases to work on. I’ve already started solidifying the road I will be traveling down to get to my goal. All it is now is time and dedication.

I’ve meal planed for the week, though I haven’t gone shopping yet, which sort of sucks. It means I’m a little behind on where I want to be on a Monday morning, but I’ve had a good breakfast, the kitchen is cleaned and the dishes put away. I got to spend an hour or so talking to my younger brother. So far it has been a decent day.

There are still areas that I need to address, but this is that path I am going to be going down because it’s the path I want. It’s a stepping stone that I think will make me better. And it’s a direction that I go do on my own, instead of waiting for other people to fix my problems for me.

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Musing Moment 0043: On Your Mark.. Get Set…

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I’m at an awkward place right now.

I’m at the start of a race. I’m at the starting line. I’m full of adrenaline and anticipation. I’m on the verge of doing something great. I’m antsy. I want to start, but the gun hasn’t sounded. Everyone is still preparing. Waiting. There’s all this tension in the air. So much that I feel it. Feed on it. Use it to pump me up until I’m so full that I have to bounce slightly. I have to move.

I’m thinking. High speed. My thoughts racing as I process everything.

Will it be a good race? Will I make it? Will I be proud of myself? Will I disappoint anyone? What if I can’t? What if it’s too much? What if I lose?

That evil little voice is there. Trying to whisper to me.

Evil Voice: Don’t do it. It’s easier to not try. You can’t fail if you don’t try.

Me: But I want to. I want to try. I don’t care if I fail or not. I don’t care if I win or not. I need to run. I need to do this. I don’t like where I’m at. I want to change. I want to grow. I want to be more than I am, and the only way to do that is to push myself. To try.

Those are the thoughts I’m having right now.

Why? Why all of this build up? Why all of this anticipation?

Because I sat down at my sports bar today and realized something.

I opened up my ‘Bills’ Google Doc and realized that all of my bills for the first are already paid. I looked at my calendar to see when my next paycheck lands, and it lands before the any of my ‘end of month’ bills need to be paid, and I still get a paycheck on the 31st to cover next months ‘start of month’ bills.

Essentially I have $700 that I didn’t think I would have. My mind is a little broken right now. I seriously sat in my booth for a good five minutes checking the dates of literally every thing I have to make a payment on. All of those expenses are either covered or due so far into the future that my next paycheck will cover them.

$700.

I started thinking again. What should I do? Save it? Give it to my mom since I owe her so much for my student loans? Return it to sender? I mean, this couldn’t be happening, right? Too good to be true? They accidentally gave me an extra paycheck or something? It’s a practical joke and there are really cameras set up around the restaurant to see how I’ll react?

The most responsible choice would be to put it towards the Bank of America card. That’s just under a third of what I owe on it. Part of me really wants to go with that option. I want to get away from that bank as soon as financially possible.

But… there’s another option.

I could finally, finally, start on my tattoos.

The thought came to me out of no where. This option seriously didn’t even enter my mind until hours later. And of course I immediately felt guilty for thinking of it. I have other financial things to take care of. Other things that I should / could / aught to do first. How could I think of something so selfish and irresponsible?

But then I thought about a comment exchange that I had with one of my blogging buddies literally this morning while I was catching up on my blog. Before I realized I had the extra money.

Me: You’re right. Celebrating my accomplishments and victories isn’t something I do often. I was supposed to get tattoos for cutting financial ties with my exs back in February. Still haven’t done that, though. I’ve made myself promises and I haven’t kept them. I wonder if that’s adding to the burnout that I’m fighting. Not only is work being lame to me, but I’m being lame to myself. I’ll have to think on that more. Thanks for sparking that thought.

I feel like at this point if I put the money towards the card I will be willingly refusing to acknowledge that I deserve credit for my accomplishments. I feel like it would be blatant disrespect to myself.

I promised myself I would do things for me. I promised myself that if I was awesome and took care of business that there would be a pay off in the end. A reason to push and persevere. A reason to wade through all of the BS and emotional discord. It would be worth it. Just hang on a little longer.

I’m not going to be a jerk who dangles carrots in front of my own face only to pull them away at the last second.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair to do that to someone else, so why would it be fair to do it to myself?

So. I’m going to be getting my tattoos. At least my gauntlets for right now.

That being said, the reason I’m all antsy and what not is because I went back and looked at the tattoo spread sheet that I made. Yeah, I’m lame like that. Because each tattoo is associated with a goal, I had it all mapped out and color coded.

Well, the last time I looked at my spread sheet was back at the end of February when I went to talk to the tattoo artist I was interested in. That was before his amazing advice of, “It’s too complicated.”

Um… Thanks, bro. You want to help me figure out a design that works then? No… oh… alright. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be over here. All by myself… You know… With my crushed dreams and stuff. /depression

I really haven’t done anything as far as keeping up with the goals that I wanted to reach, and what I needed to actually be doing to achieve them. I sort of lost that drive. And I see that now. I haven’t really been working towards anything, which is part of why I feel like I’m drifting.

The only thing I’ve been really doing aside from going to work is taking classes for my Digital Arts and Design degree, and even that I’m sort of like, “Meh,” about. I don’t have a real direction I’m going with it, so it doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything. It’s not moving me forward. It just ‘is’. It exists. It’s a fact. Neither positive nor negative.

After going back to my goal list I’m sort of surprised. I’ve accomplished more that I thought I had. And the goals I haven’t accomplished really aren’t ones that I want to complete anymore. I’ve also redesigned my overall concept for my tattoos, so I have like… an additional 16 goal slots. I don’t even have goals for the original slots I had, let alone an additional 16.

But I like that. I like that this is going to be a long process. I’m thinking at least four years to complete all of the armor pieces. I like that I have that much time to grow and change. I like that my goals can still be fluid, at least to a certain point.

My life is in the process of changing. It’s only natural that goals and priorities shift as well. All of the tattoos I want are significant to me. The tattoos themselves aren’t going to change. The goal association is more a trick for me. I earned my tattoos so it’s not just me blowing money for no reason. It’s a reward. I’ve earned it. I deserve it.

So really, the goal is just a mind trick. What the goal is doesn’t matter as long as I feel it is a wroth while endeavor. Something worth my time, something that provided a challenge, and something I feel deserves to be acknowledged in some way.

At the moment I’m looking at 51 blank slots that need goals added to them. I know that sounds like a lot, but I’ve erased all of the goals that I hadn’t earned yet. Rather than hunting through the ones that were there to see if I still wanted to work on one of them or not I’m going to start over. From scratch. If it wasn’t already completed it got erased.

So, now I get to sit down and do some heavy thinking.

What do I want out of life at this moment?

I’m not going to go into that right now. Mostly because I’m tired and I’m still all introspective about it and stuff. I’m not ready to write about it. But that’s where I am at.

I’m about to join the battle again. I’m about to take Life head on. I’m about to figure out what direction I really want to be going in and I’m about to sprint into it, giving it everything I am.

It’s the start. The moment before. The moment of breath holding. Waiting. The moment of listening, straining to hear that one sound. The one that will be gunpowder and fire kissing. Action, force, power, drive.

And when the gun goes off, I’ll feel the sound with every fiber of my being, and there will be no holding back.

I will win.

Musing Moments 0034: 30 Day Challenge – Day 24

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I actually really like day 24. Chalene says some really awesome, eye opening things. When I first heard them they were mind blowing and really made me rethink how I interact with my time.

 The “Being Busy” Mentality

There’s this misconception out there that if you have a to-do list, or if you’re into time management that you’re into ‘being busy’. You’re that weird person who’s always doing something all the time. You never cut loose and have fun. All work and no play.

But that’s not what this challenge is about at all. It’s not about ‘being busy’.

It’s about knowing what task will give you the most bang for your buck. What task should you be focusing on that will be the best investment of your time?

Do that first.

Cool. Just got that task done. Awesome! What’s the next most important thing? Guess I should move on to that then. Done. Like a bawce. Next?

Knowing what you ‘should’ be working on is what turns you into a lean, mean, task destroying machine.

Chalene calls it the ‘Now’ approach.

In ‘Jen Land’ I call it the ‘Nike’ approach. I don’t know… in my head ‘Victory’ just sounds cooler than ‘Now’… Maybe it goes back to that whole ‘task destroying machine’ thing…

The idea is still the same, though. Nike’s slogan is ‘Just do it.’

If you know you have a task that needs to get done, like, bad juju, explosive fires, death and destruction from the skies if this task doesn’t get done type of stuff, then just do it.

Don’t procrastinate. Don’t sit and think about how much you don’t want to do it. Don’t waste energy, and more importantly, time, dreading over it.

Burpees suck… thinking about how much I don’t want to do them isn’t going to get them done any faster.

Just do it.

Get it done and out of the way so you can sit back and feel like a bawce. Heck. Give yourself a high five, even if other people are around. Screw them if they think you’re weird. You deserve a high five for being awesome and taking care of business.

 Quick! The boss is coming! Look busy!

Another super awesome point that is brought up is that just because you’re at your desk doesn’t mean that you’re doing something important or productive. I know I’m guilty of this.

Sometimes I need to reply to a message on Facebook and suddenly it’s 20 minutes later and all I’ve done is look at cat videos. And there’s no way to get those 20 minutes back. I basically set them on fire when I should have been responding to a two minute message, if that.

I don’t procrastinate much or often (at least any more. We won’t talk about those years after high school…). And even when I do it’s normally on science articles or random things that are still informative. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a better time / place to indulge in those tendencies.

Are my actions honoring my key priority? Are my actions reflecting that I view as important?

Sometimes not…

We can’t manage time. It’s only ever going to be 24 hours, 86400 seconds each and every day. No more, no less.

The only thing we can honestly, truly manage is ourselves. Our actions. So make sure you’re ok with the actions you’re doing.

I totally love my time watching cat videos. The only time I have an issue with it is when I KNOW I should be doing something else, but I’m not. Everything has a time and place. If I’m doing something at the wrong time, then there’s normally guilt associated with it later.

It’s one of those “I know I should be doing something else, and I know I’ll pay the price for it later” type of situations.

It’s so much nicer to just avoid that whole icky guilt situation completely and to keep my self doing what I know I should be doing, and saving the more ‘unimportant’ things for a moment when I can fully enjoy them.

So, lots of good stuff today. “Just do it,” and, “Manage your actions not your time”.

The homework is pretty simple but can be a hard truth to face. What activities / habits do you have that are unhealthy investments of your time? What things could / should you cut back on?

 FaceFail – The Black Hole of Time

I know for me it’s scrolling through Facebook. Really if it wasn’t for keeping up with my industry contacts I would forego social media.

I still might…

I’ll keep mulling it over. For now I’ll focus on catching myself when I start falling into the black void of time wasting.

 30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson

Musing Moments 0032: 30 Day Challenge – Day 21

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So I’m over a week behind on my challenge. I actually thought about not finishing it off, but I changed my mind. I will complete it. I have no reason not to. We’ll just chalk the last week or so up to moving, being sick, and spring break (because when it rains it pours…) and continue moving forward now that things are settling back down.

Here we are, day 21. So close to the end.

It’s really a review day, which in the scheme of things is good. A nice refresher from my little hiatus to remind me of everything I ‘should’ be keeping in mind.

Some key things I have gotten out of the challenge over all are:

Figure out your priorities
Set measurable goals
Figure out the Push Goal on your list
It’s ok to change goals

Being reminded that goals are allowed to change was something that really helped me out the first few times I went through the challenge. Life changes, and your goals and priorities are going to change with it. Don’t be afraid to let things go or remove them from your list, especially if they don’t like up with your priorities.

Other helpful things are the commandments for to-do list making.

Commandments of Thy To-Do List

Make thy to-do at the same time each day
Make thy to-do list at the same place each day
Have thy to-do list with thee at all times
Add 1-2 Push Goal tasks to thy to-do list each day
Review thy list often

Still not super consistent on when I make mine. But it’s always either at night or in the morning. One of the two. It really depends on how tired I am at the end of the night.

But yeah. Those guidelines have been helpful and are things I try to be aware of.

So I’m already underway with the day. Taking care of business and what not. Tomorrow is another day, another week. Another chance to do and achieve the things I want.