“Explain why you chose your blog’s title and what it means to you.“

I’ve explained the tag and title of my blog before but after going back and reading it, I never really explained where ‘Warrior’ came from.

It’s complicated and yet simple at the same time. For me there’s a story, an evolution of how I came to think of myself as ‘Warrior Freya’, and that story is part of who I am.

I began exploring Odinism a few years ago, which is how I came to follow Freya; the Nordic goddess of sexuality, fertility, war, and death. Needless to say my choice in deities is a little uncommon, so when it comes up in conversation it tends to lead to a lot of questions.

People are curious. How did I become involved in Odinism, or better yet, what is it exactly? How do I worship? Do I dance naked around fires sacrificing chickens? Ok, maybe nothing that crass, but you get the idea.

I began seeing my most recent ex, RB, about a year ago actually. Around June or July. He, like everyone else, found my choice in faith fascinating and unique. My pet name ended up being ‘His Freya’, and for a while I used that as the title for a previous blog, and for several profile names.

When we broke up it felt wrong to use that phrase to identify myself. I deleted the blog because it felt wrong to continue using it. I deleted a handful of other profiles as well. The ones I didn’t want to delete I had to figure out a new name for.

I didn’t know what to use. I enjoyed being called Freya. It made me feel closer to my goddess. It felt right, and I didn’t feel that section of the title should have to change. I was connected to Freya before the relationship. I shouldn’t have to give up that aspect of myself because the relationship was over.

But I as no longer ‘his’. And really that was where the problem stemmed from.

Our relationship was a D/s dynamic. He was my Sir. And without getting into a 16 page explination of BDSM that dynamic would be a bit hard to explain.

What stuck with me, rung in my ears, since the break up was wondering if I really was a submissive at all. I felt I was, but as the relationship deteriorated I found myself less and less willing to take that role. I didn’t feel it was right. And as much as I hate to type this truth, I didn’t feel he deserved my submission, was worthy of it.

I explained in the beginning of the dynamic that I felt like a warrior more than a submissive. That I wanted choose to kneel before someone because I approved of their character, their choices. I find their character strong, stronger than my own. I wanted to feel as if they could help me grow, in a way be a mentor or a commander to me. I wanted to find them a worthy person to follow. I wanted to believe in the causes they choose to fight for. I wanted those causes to be just and righteous and moral, and because they were ‘good’ I would fight for them as well. I would support them and give them my sword in battle.

I would give them my self, my life, my loyalty.

I am NOT a submissive to everyone. In fact I am submissive to very, very few people. I can stand on my own. I can take care of myself and my responsibilities. In fact it’s harder for me to function around other people because more often than not I feel like they get in the way. I don’t want to be micro managed. If I am given a task I want to be left alone so I can do it. And normally that task will be completed faster than expected, better than expected, and other things will have gotten done along the way.

I’m not a weak-willed person. That isn’t what being submissive is about. I’m not broken, or in need of guidance.

I don’t NEED a dominant. And that is something that a lot of dominants do not understand. I am not a typical submissive. I myself did not understand it until a book I read recently, The Warrior Princess Submissive.

Aptly named…

Anyway, back to the story.

Because I didn’t understand my aversion to being submissive I began to question this aspect of my personality. Was I just trying to pretend or fake it? Was it something that I thought was ‘cool’ so I was trying to fit a mold that wasn’t me? I was accused of being willful, of not submitting, and that hurt for me. I wanted to submit, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it when I felt like the choices being made were irresponsible and immature. I couldn’t stand behind that type of commander.

After soul searching I decided I would no longer identify as a submissive. I wasn’t submissive. I was a warrior. A warrior who at the moment was fighting for herself. I was fighting for my causes, my beliefs.

And so I became Warrior Freya.

There is more to the tale of my BDSM identity. How I learned I really am a submissive, and that there is nothing wrong with my mentality or the type of dynamic I am looking for. But that is a post for another day.