Daily Post 120: Nice Feelings

Over a week has passed since I wrote.

The two-year five-month mark has come and gone. I talked to my therapist over the phone that day. It was good to hear her voice. I got to talk to her about my concern with my grief; how this year seems to be harder than the past two years and how the sadness seems to last longer when it wells up. I got to talk about work and how that’s going. I got to tell her about signing up for the CNA classes and my plans to enroll in the LPN program once I’m certified. I got to tell her about how Ox and I are finding balance with the kids while they’re here and how I’m adapting and finding ways to still be ok as an introvert while having significantly less solitude than what I’m used to. I got to tell her about my trip to see my brothers, and how that sparked playing Stuffed Fables here and how well that is going.

I feel like not a lot is going on in my life as I sit here and type this. A lot of it has been routine it feels, which is sort of nice. It feels like, for the most part, things have been stable.

Work has been work. One of our patients brought my FA and I a care package with another card. There’s another bag of the beef jerky I like in it along with a giant bag of Starbursts. The days have been going smoothly. Three different RNs have applied for the open positions at my clinic. My FA said if all of them seem like a good fit she’ll hire all three. It will still be several months for them to get through training, but I feel like we’re on our way to being able to open the clinic back up on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The one tech who applied should be working her way through training at the moment, so maybe in the very near future my clinic will actually have a full team once again and my FA can focus on actually being the FA rather than having to cover our need for RNs, too.

Ox and I are doing well. We’ve had some heavy conversations over the past week. At the time they felt unresolved. We had addressed an issue but no “next action steps” were identified so it felt like a void of badness inside my mind I guess. I knew we weren’t not ok, but at the same time, we weren’t fully ok either. It made it hard to eat after our conversations. It made me want to be alone so I could try to figure things out even though I knew there was nothing I could figure out on my own. It was an “us” problem and only the two of us working and talking together would be able to figure out a solution. I’m not sure if anything has really changed, but we did have some extremely connective moments which have made me feel more safe and secure in our relationship.

Those moments feel like a turning point for me. One of them happened after I got home from work on Friday. For the first time in a while, I actually felt like myself. I had energy to give and things didn’t feel pointless. I WANTED to go to the gym after our time together. That’s after working a 12-hour shift. Nuts, I know. I rowed for 20 minutes AND did weight machines. I even did arms because, fuck it, I’m a badass that’s why.

It’s been… nice, and I know that sounds sort of lame but I do think that’s the right word to use to describe it. I feel whole. I feel real. I feel like I’m no longer waking up and moving through the motions. I feel intention and purpose again. There’s myself and my wellbeing and my goals and I have a partner who cares and supports me and I support him and even if things are hard or rough in some areas we’ll figure it out. That’s the type of feelings our interactions foster within me. Yes, things might not be perfect and we might not have exact “next action steps” but we’ll be ok. When we cuddle in bed and he holds me and whispers into my ear, “It’s ok. WE’RE ok,” I believe him.

Because I feel like the relationship is ok I can focus on external things like the gym or the house or whatever tasks need to get done. It frees up and promotes so much more… something… within me. I don’t feel as injured or alone. I don’t feel defeated. I feel like I can take on a task and complete it and actually feel a sense of accomplishment from doing it.

I feel like me and I’ve missed this feeling. So yes. It’s a comforting, reassuring feeling and so the term nice is the one I feel fits best. It’s soft and calm, yet still strong, like the sun warming your skin during one of the first days of summer.

I went to the gym again yesterday, rowing and doing the machines again. I’m not sure if I’ll go today. I’m pretty much done with all of my food prep. I need to do laundry. I need to replace my contacts. I need to print off the medical release form for my doctor. Ox and I are supposed to take the cardboard out since Nebraska passed a law shortly after I moved here where you can’t throw it away in the trash anymore. You have to take it to be recycled. I like the law, but it means the tote we use for cardboard can get pretty full. Right now it’s a bit overflowing with cereal and cracker boxes and I want to fix that, so it’s on the “to-do” list.

I’ve still been playing Final Fantasy and enjoying my time in the game.

I realized this morning that an expense that’s going to be coming up is having to buy winter clothing. I only own one pair of pants, and those are pretty thin yoga pants. Not the ideal winter wear. I don’t own snow boots and I only have three sweaters; no coats.

Jon and I have talked a few times. He’s starting to meal prep and working on losing weight. I’ve been able to share some of the tips and tricks I’ve learned during my own experience. I’m supposed to send him a few recipes. Hopefully, by writing about it I’ll actually remember to do it. It’s nice to hear him talk about how he tried different things and how this didn’t work, but this did and he wants to try this other thing. He’s figuring out what works for him and that’s amazing. I’m happy for him.

I think that’s about it for right now. Like I said, no a whole lot has happened. Mostly just day to day living. I’m sure if I had written as things happened I would remember more.

Oh. I did go to the SCA meeting at the library this past Wednesday. The barony’s marshal was there and he helped me get the padding cut for my helm and took measurements so I could have one made in the future. With CNA classes being held at night, I most likely won’t be able to go to practice for the next two months or so, but I haven’t given up on being part of the society and I still plan to participate as I can. I know that the padding is just two circles of foam, but much like everything else small and silly, they mean a lot to me. They represent someone’s time and effort. It’s a sign of them trying to help me be a better me and I cherish that.

Well… since that’s about it, I think I’m going to go for now. My leatherworker has some levels to gain and there’s a quest line I need to work through with my black mage. I don’t foresee a lot happening today and I’m ok with that. It’s the weekend and I think I’ve finally started to understand how to enjoy downtime and relax. That, too, is a nice feeling.

Daily Post 118: Combat, Work, and No-Tato Success

Today has been good.

Yesterday was good, too.

And I think Tuesday morning was the last time I wrote, so the rest of Tuesday, you guessed it, was good. And since that’s when I last wrote, that’s where I’ll start, working my way to today.

I didn’t get as much done Tuesday as I wanted. I did, however, go to the gym to row before my rescheduled training at 3:30. I did upper body machines while I was there, figuring my trainer would focus on my lower body so I didn’t need to worry about being sore later. Overhead presses still suck. All of the other machines I was able to up my weight on though, so that was nice. I also figured out the hours for when a staff member would be in the office so Ox could come talk to them about joining my account.

When I showed up for training I realized I was sort of fucked because of all the days my trainer could have picked to completely change everything and do a focused workout on my upper body it’s the one day where I’ve managed to go to the gym and do it myself already. I mean, of course, that’s how life works… >.<;

At one point he asked if I wanted the weight I was at to be lowered. I responded with no, it just hurt. I wasn’t going to let that stop me, though.

We did some stuff with the TRX bands, too. Those were fun in a “my arms are going to hate me so much” sort of way.

I had a bit of time to kill before the SCA combat practice. Ox had messaged me saying that going didn’t mean that I had to fight. We could just go and talk to everyone. We could see if anyone would want to play Stuffed Fables. We could socialize and catch up. I didn’t “have” to fight if I went.

That made it feel more ok to go. I loaded up my gear, you know… just in case. I also packed up the pull out drawers for the cabinets I had bought forever ago. The receipt said I could still return them, so I wanted to try doing that while I was in town.

The return was super painless and they refunded me all of the money to my card. Woo. I got to look at pot lid holders and all sorts of kitchen organization gadgets while I was at the store. Ox called and I talked with him for a bit while he drove to the store since he was off work.

We took his car to combat practice. The marshall showed up with the loaner gear and so began the process of gearing up. I actually did put most of my armor on. It was fun. It felt good. I didn’t fight since there were some new people and the only helm that fits me was being used by one of the new guys, but I was ok with that. It felt good to simply be back. I was ok with not fighting, especially after how intense the day had been on my arms already.

I talked to some of the members and we’re going to be getting measurements next Tuesday so I can have my own helm made. There’s a part of me who’s sort of giddy about that. It will be the first piece of armor that’s mine. Specifically mine. Made for me, mine. I know it won’t be pretty or amazing or fancy and I’m totally ok with it. It will be my first piece of armor and I’ll love it for forever.

Ox and I came home a little early and had dinner. I gamed for a bit. When we laid down for bed I tried sleeping but couldn’t. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep before having to get up to go to work on Wednesday. That sucked and it was the first time I legitimately wanted to call out. I pushed through it and I’m glad I did.

The day wasn’t bad. It was actually fairly smooth considering we had an RN shadowing as well as the social worker and our nephrologist doing rounds with the patients.

My FA bought lunch for everyone since so many people were at the clinic. Normally I would give myself shit for eating pizza, but yesterday I didn’t care. I’ve been doing pretty good with my eating since I’ve been back from my vacation and I did pretty well while I was away. So yeah, I had two slices of pizza with a couple of breadsticks. I even had one piece of the cherry strudel dessert pie thing and it was as amazing as it looked.

Since there was a ton of food left over my FA voluntold me to take some home with me. It ended up being dinner for everyone at home. I shamelessly had a second piece of the cherry strudel thing after Ox woke me up since I fell asleep almost as soon as I got home. It was a much-needed nap. Waking up was the best part. Who doesn’t like being woken up with sexy time?

I gamed in the evening. I fell asleep pretty easily once it was bedtime and slept the whole night through. It’s become common for me to wake up between 12 and 2. Not last night though. I slept soundly and almost slept through Ox’s alarm.

We had a cigarette before he left for work. I laid back down for a bit, but today was another day of early training at the gym, so I didn’t get to rest for too much longer. I got up, got dressed, had part of my breakfast, then drove to Beatrice.

It’s been raining a lot recently here, which I think is relevant. This morning and yesterday I’ve been coughing a lot. I used to cough pretty bad when I first moved here, but it’s been tapering off. Normally it’s only really bad when I first wake up, but by the time I’m done with my shower, I’m fine.

Not today. I coughed the whole way down to the gym. I was still coughing as my trainer weighed me in. I’m down one pound of fat, but I also lost a pound of muscle. I’m not too concerned about this weigh in. It wasn’t until Monday-ish that I started feeling my metabolism picking back up so I wasn’t expecting to have lost much. We’ll see how next week’s weigh in goes.

Since I was coughing so much, we didn’t do a lot of cardio. We mainly focused on lifting, which I was ok with. He mentioned that I might be allergic to something in the area since I didn’t have any sort of respiratory distress while I was visiting my brothers. The rain kicks stuff up into the air and can agitate whatever unknown sensitivity I may have. It’s something I plan to ask about during my doctor’s appoint on the 30th. I’m also going to try taking antihistamines again since they helped me a lot when I first moved here.

After training, I came back home and started cleaning. I cleaned the kids toy shelf, reorganizing everything since it was a disaster. I cleaned the corner of the living room by the bookshelf since there were piles there, too. I put up the boxes of mason jars Mama Ox wanted to keep. I cleaned up the kitchen table, which I don’t know if I should have done that…

It’s sort of like Mama Ox’s office. It’s where her laptop is. Papa Ox also has an area on it, which only leaves about half the table for actual use. I wanted to wipe the table down though and the more I moved and shifted things, the more I realized I wouldn’t get it properly cleaned without clearing it off…

So… I moved everything. The only things I threw away were things like old candy wrappers and stuff that was very obviously trash. I did stack the papers that were on the table though. I messed with stuff that wasn’t mine. I know it would have bothered me if someone had messed with my stuff when I wasn’t home. I also feel I would be understanding that the table really did need to be cleaned.

I don’t know. So far no one has said anything to me about it. No hostility. No “don’t do that again”. So I think I’m alright and I shouldn’t have to do it again for a while.

I cleaned up the bedroom, making a pile of clothes that needed to be washed. I washed the new sheets Ox and I bought together. I folded and put away the towels so I could move Mama Ox’s clothes into the dryer. I folded and put my own clothes away since they’ve been in a basket for a while. I loaded the dishwasher with the dishes that were in the sink. I sent a message to Mama Ox asking if it would be ok for me to use the steaks and cook dinner for everyone tonight. She didn’t put up a fight over relinquishing that task.

I gamed a bit again, finishing the quest line to become a black mage. Once that was done, I made a shopping list and packed up to head to the gym for the second time. I was going to row for a bit, maybe lift some, then head to the store to do the shopping I needed to for dinner and the coming week.

That’s where things changed a bit. I had just finished rowing. I decided to stretch instead, then shower and head out. While I was stretching, Ox called me and said he was off work. He was heading to the gym so he could talk to someone. We both agreed it would be easier to figure out what we wanted to do if I was there since it was my account.

I finished stretching after we hung up then went to the shower to rinse off. By the time I was done Ox was there and talking with one of the staff members. It took longer than I thought it would, but Ox is now a member of the gym and can go with me. We’ve agreed that it would be easiest for it to be charged to my card and for him to give me his portion of the membership in cash, sort of like what he’s been doing with groceries.

Since by then it was later than I wanted, I decided to go to the market at the gas station for the things I needed for dinner and to save the rest of the shopping for Saturday since none of it was essential.

Ox paid for the groceries which I’m still getting used to.

When we got home I started cooking. Once everything was at a point where it could cook itself I started prepping the grapes for the snack bags I’ve started making. I made Ox’s lunch. The wash got switched.

I made my no-tato recipe for the family, explaining that if they didn’t like it I had bought a package of the instant potatoes that I knew everyone liked. I could make that instead if the no-tatoes were a total no go.

They didn’t turn out bad, but Ox said they were extremely strong. I use two tablespoons of steak seasoning in them, so next time I’m going to try it with only one and see if it turns out better. Other than that, dinner was a success. I didn’t overcook the steaks. Totally high fiving myself on that one since I only eat my steaks rare.

I’ve already finished cleaning up the kitchen. I’m waiting for the sheets to finish drying so Ox and I can put them on the bed. By then his load of clothes will be ready to switch to the dryer. I might not get them put away tonight, but with everything else that I’ve gotten done today, I think I can be forgiven if that lapses to tomorrow.

And… AND… I’ve written.

I don’t know why today was so productive. I just know that I’m grateful that I can still have days like this.

I haven’t done anything with the LPN paperwork yet, but it’s on my radar and I know that it’s getting pushed back in lieu of other things. Maybe I’ll buckle down and get it done this weekend.

I’m going to leave that for another day, though. Right now I’m going to finish this post and then game for about an hour, then go to sleep so I can finish up my work week on a strong note, and then move on into the weekend where we’re going to figure out the last little bit of the kitchen shelving. My pots and pans will hopefully have a home.

I’m very much looking forward to working on one of the many projects going on around me and possibly getting it finished. :3

Daily Post 091: Another Summery

This is most likely going to jump around a bit. I guess the easiest way to write would be to break life into sections and write about each one since, once again, so much has happened.

Work

Work has been going well. I got my paycheck with my first bit of overtime. That was awesome. I also got the payback for the Concur report. Surprisingly I got all $400 for that. I got my wage increase finally for my CCHT test. I haven’t received the back pay for that, though, so it’s not 100% off my to-do list. Currently, I’m waiting to see if the back pay lands on this paycheck. If it doesn’t then I’ll be contacting my FA to see what needs to happen in that regard.

I need to figure out how to fill out Concur reports for traveling to different clinics since I was told I would be compensated for travel time and gas. I also ended up paying for the hotel room the last time I worked at the South Omaha clinic, which is another thing I can be reimbursed for. So, one of these days when I’m not super busy at work (which is never) I need to figure that out.

I haven’t started on the VAM training. I haven’t forgotten about it. More it just hasn’t worked out since I’ve been doing overtime elsewhere. This coming week seems like it will be a good week to start in on that, though.

I’m still waiting to hear back about finishing off my NFACT training. All I need in that regard is to get checked off on the skills list. Since one of our patients just got orders approved to use his fistula, now-ish would be a good time to get that completed. It’s another thing I’m waiting to hear back on. That task is close to being done, though, so I’m content with where I’m at with it.

The days seem to be going better. The one patient who was unstable for a while seems to be doing better. We switcher her dialyzer and everything is going well now.

Another patient has started having issues. Switching her dialyzer didn’t seem to resolve anything, so I’m not sure where we’re going with that at the moment.

Mr. Non-compliance got a fistula placed last week. Because of that, he was in the hospital for a while, but he was at the clinic on Friday for treatment. It was good to see him after so long. I hope he begins to show up more regularly. He’s an awesome guy. I can’t do much to help him live if he skips treatment, though, and that’s a shitty reality of my job. I can only do so much, and a majority of that depends on the patient actually being there.

Friday was a day from hell. I loved the RN I worked with. I’ve worked with her a few times at the Capital City clinic while I was in “training” after my move to Nebraska. She doesn’t work at the Beatrice clinic often, though. In the past six months, she said she’s been there three times. Because our machines are so different from all of the other clinics that meant it felt like I was on my own for the most part on Friday.

I set up nearly every machine. That meant we were running behind for first shift, which snowballed into second shift. Even though my FA was on the floor helping out we didn’t recover from the slow start.

There were soooooo many people at my clinic on Friday. I guess there was some uber meeting going on in the conference room. I didn’t understand how there could be that many people and yet leave me feeling like I was the only one working the floor.

The new tech who will be working the clinic with me showed up later in the day with her preceptor. I wish I could say I like her, but my first impression is that I won’t. She lives in Beatrice which worries me. I’m scared that she’ll get priority for the clinic even though I’ve been proving myself to be a good worker. I’m worried they’re going to have me cover more shifts elsewhere, especially at Cap City, which I don’t want to do.

I like my clinic. I want to stay there. I would rather go down to part-time than float to different places. Except maybe South Omaha. Or maybe even the North Omaha location, but that’s only because that clinic has the same machines as mine. I haven’t been there, but I could see myself being more ok in that environment because I would have a better idea on how to function there.

I don’t know what’s in the future and stressing over something that’s still two months away is a waste of energy. I’m trying to not let it eat away at the inside of my brain. Since it’s only been two days since I met the new tech I don’t think there’s enough information to say if I’m doing a good job in that regard or not yet.

I do think it’s something I should talk to my FA about. Knowing what their game plan is for the future would be nice. Where do they see me? Where do they see her? Stuff like that.

For the most part, things are going well with work and I believe that’s a majority of what’s been going on.

The new schedule is out. Next week I only work three 12-hour shifts. The week after that I picked up a shift on Saturday for South Omaha. The following two weeks I work five days since I’m covering a morning shift both Tuesdays at Cap City in addition to covering the Saturdays at South Omaha.

Yeah… we’ll see how that plays out…

SCA

In other news, Ox and I have been pretty active with the SCA group. We went to combat practice again this past Tuesday. I’ve purchased McDavid knee and elbow sleeves to wear under the loaner armor I’ve been using. I’ve also ordered groin protection since that’s a thing that’s required. It’s supposed to be delivered Monday so I’m hoping to have it for Tuesday’s practice. If I do I’ll be sure to leave a review.

I’ve also purchased a new backpack specifically for my combat gear since the backpack I’ve been using for everything is getting kind of cramped.

Typically I keep my workout gear along with everything I need for work in my backpack. I’ve recently added the knee and ankle braces due to training at the gym. I already had a bathroom kit for when I need to shower at the gym or travel overnight for work. And though I do have another gym bag, currently it has all of my fighter gear in it. My gloves and hand wraps. My shinguards and gi. My belt with my single stripe.

There wasn’t much extra space in either bag. Add to the equation that I now have stuff specifically for combat… It just wasn’t working for me. I like keeping my things separate, which meant another bag was in the near future anyway.

So now I have a softball/baseball backpack which I think is going to work amazingly well. It has two pouches that run the height of the bag where you can put a bat, theoretically.

Wouldn’t you know they’re the perfect size for two pieces of ratan? : D

So I have a bag for my gear AND I can keep my swords in it. And… AND… it’s purple. : 3

So much happy.

I really like it and as I begin to construct my own armor I’m fairly confident that it will be able to hold everything aside from my helm, which I wouldn’t want to put in there anyway since the helm has to be constructed from steel while the rest of the armor I want to make will ideally be leather.

We went to the meeting on Wednesday with Ox, which I think I would have enjoyed more if I hadn’t been so tired. It was a new social situation with new people on nearly no sleep after a 12-hour shift and no food. There were a bunch of people doing weaving and needle crafts so I plan to bring my own project with me next time, which should help with not feeling so out of place.

We went to dinner afterward, which was nice. I enjoyed the conversations I had and being able to connect with people on a more individual level.

It seems like a bit of a routine that Ox and I are forming. Tuesdays are combat and afterward, we go to my sports bar for dinner. Wednesdays are the meetups and afterward, we go out to eat with the group. I buy Tuesdays. He covers Wednesdays.

I’m glad we’re finding a group of people to interact with and that even though we both have our own interests within the group, that we’re able to share something together.

Health

I’ve been doing well with the gym. I actually made it in twice this week to do arm day since that’s something I need to start making more of an effort with. My lower body is definitely outpacing my upper body and I don’t want to be stuck with T-rex arms.

Or do I…

ddb

I’m down roughly four pounds. I’m up a little on muscle. I can feel a difference in myself. I’m doing well with sticking to my macros as far as carbs and protein go. I’m usually under my calorie count, but I really don’t care all that much about it since I’m logging around 6 miles on the days I work.

I can feel how I have more energy during the days I get adequate sleep. I’m coping with stress better. At least, I think I am.

My trainer is out of town this coming week, which means instead of going to training I’m going to try to find classes at the gym to do. it would be nice to make it to Zumba or yoga, or both. There’s a Core and More class that would be nice to make…

More planning is required. But yes. Things are going well in that department.

Life

I finally went to the DMV and got my Nebraska license. It’s more official now than not now. I’m officially a resident. The last thing I need to do regarding my move is switch my car tags over, but that’s a multi-step process with multiple fees and I’m not really all that worried about getting it done during this month’s schedule since I’m going to be working so many extra days.

Part of it, too, is that I don’t know how much it will be financially to switch over. Switching from South Carolina to Florida ran me over $600. Once I have all of the money from working overtime then I’ll look into taking care of that task. If it ends up being cheaper, awesome. Having 1k worth of extra to cover it would make me more comfortable with taking care of that task. Not that I want to spend that much, but I would rather have that much saved and not need it, then need it and not be able to do anything about it.

Finances

On the subject of money, I’m doing well. I was once again able to overpay on all of my bills and still have extra for buying the combat gear and bag. I was able to get the car looked at and tuned up since it felt like it was driving weird.

I like to think that mom would be proud of me. Instead of waiting until there was a problem I was proactive and took the car in to get looked at while it was still a “concern” rather than a “problem”.

I ended up getting an alignment and an oil change since that was something I’ve wanted to do since moving to Nebraska. Go me.

I’ve already bought groceries. The car has gas. This coming Friday is payday which will once again have a decent amount of overtime on it. Next month is when I reach out to Warren to see if he’s in a spot to start paying me back.

My immediate financial goal is to pay off my car. It’s the closest thing to being taken care of and would free up $300 to put towards something else. My rule right now is any overtime I work goes towards the car. I do want to take a bit of the money to put towards buying materials for my armor, but mostly the overtime money is for bills.

My “Me Fund” is back to where it should be. Actually, it’s a little over what it should be, but that’s in preparation for my trip in August. It’s looking more like I’ll be going to Vegas for a bit then flying to Orlando. I want to make sure I have the funds to support the trip. With working overtime, I should have the time available to take off without affecting my pay. I’m still waiting to solidify dates with my brothers, but it’s looking good so far.

I still don’t have much in my savings account, which might be something I address before pouring all of my overtime money into my car. That seems like a responsible thing to do… But since that’s still at least a week away I’ll worry about that when I have numbers to work with.

Let’s see… what else…

Relationship

Ox and I are doing well. We’re going to have the kids for roughly a week. In preparation for that, we’re going to flush out my nest a bit more. I know he did some stuff up there today which I wasn’t allowed to be there for. My tv is upstairs along with a tv stand that I bought today and a beanbag chair so I can set up my PS4. We’re going to try setting up an air mattress as well which, in theory, will let me be able to sleep at home without everyone having to tiptoe around me on the nights I have to go to sleep early for work.

All we can do is try and see if it works. If not then I guess it will go back to getting a hotel room on the nights I need to. I like the way things feel, though. We talked a lot about how we see the addition being set up in the future. We’re most likely not going to be able to do much of work on until the weekend after next, but we have a solid idea of what needs to be done.

He actually went as far as spray painting the lines for where the walls are going to go. I was having a hard time “seeing” the set up for the room because right now it’s all open space. The lines helped me see what he sees. I like it. I want it to be real and not just lines on the plywood floor.

I like the idea of having our computer area and the TV on the wall with a couch and a little work area for chain mail and armor making. I like the idea of having an alcove for the bedroom with windows to let the light in.

I like the way the future feels in that regard.

I’ve been sleeping better next to him. Part of that may be that I’m getting used to sleeping next to another person again. For so long I’ve slept alone. That might have factored into some of my sleepless nights in the beginning. Being sick as long as I was didn’t help anything, but I do wonder if being overwhelmed by so much new didn’t contribute to it at least a little.

I met Ox’s brother and sister-in-law on Saturday along with their two kids. I had slight anxiety on the way to their house, but they’re both nice people.

The thought of having to go back and socialize doesn’t seem heavy or dreadful. I would be ok with seeing them again, and I think I would be welcome in their home. They didn’t instantly hate me for my tattoos or purple hair.

It makes me aware that Ox hasn’t met my family yet, but there’s not really an easy way to fix that. He can’t meet mom. Jon doesn’t want to see him yet. Jason is in Vegas and dad is in Ohio.

I don’t know what else to write in that regard because I guess this is where I get scared and start looking at deep, dark, scary relationship things that I haven’t addressed in a while.

We’re coexisting well. It’s coming up on four months. That’s still really early in the relationship. I still get overwhelmed with the kids because I don’t know how to be a parent and I’m not used to kids being around all the time. I’m not used to not having my own space or quiet time. I still don’t know if I’ll ever want one of my own. I still don’t know where I want to go career-wise or what I want to do with school. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to run all of my Warrior Dash in July, which I need to request off from work.

I don’t think I want to delve into the deep, dark, scary world of “relationship” right now. I’m still not used to having it not fall apart. I’m still not used to things not being arguments.

I want to be happy with the small victory of being able to sleep well next to him. I want to be happy with feeling comfortable cooking in the kitchen. I want to feel happy that I feel like I belong even more than I did in the beginning. I don’t feel awkward coming home and being the only person here when Papa Ox is in the living room.

One other thing Ox and I have started doing is playing Final Fantasy 14 together. I’m enjoying the game so far. It’s allowing us to game together which I think is something that Ox misses. While I was in Orlando we spent a fair amount of time on WoW chatting and questing. Since I’ve been in Nebraska my gaming life has been non-existent, but gaming is something important to Ox.

Since I’ve been so disenchanted with WoW we decided to try a different game and so far I am extremely enjoying it. I’m only level 10, but I like my character and I’ve been enjoying exploring a new world and reading the questline.

I’ve been enjoying it so much so that I think I’m actually going to stop writing for tonight so I can get another hour of gaming in before having to go to sleep for work tomorrow.

In Summary

Overall, things are still going well, even on the hard days, and I’m glad for that.

Daily Post 089: A Mini-Meltdown With Planning

I’m tired. I have training at 3 which means I have about an hour and a half before I need to leave. I have combat practice which I still want to go to that I’m scared of not making due to the tiredness.

I don’t want it to win, yet at the same time, the thought of going out to my car feels heavy. Knowing that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded reminds me that it will then need to be loaded afterwards and that my clothes still aren’t put away and that I’m running low and prepared food and that I work the next three days and won’t have a chance to cook or clean because one of my shifts is in Omaha again and that alone is two hours worth of traveling if traffic isn’t bad.

It feels like a lot even though I know it’s not that much. I know it’s doable with planning and conscious, thoughtful intention, but right now staying in bed and just… not… is so much more appealing in the short term.

I’m finally eating my breakfast even though it’s noon. It’s warm and tasty and I think that’s helping. I know I need to drink more water since I haven’t had any since last night. I know once I’m at the gym and moving around that I’ll be better and that thought is what I’m holding on to. If I just start, if I can just get myself there, everything will work itself out, but that’s the hardest part, isn’t it?

That’s the part that doesn’t get done; the “getting there” part.

Yesterday was a decent day at work but even that had its own issues which kept me from doing things I had been looking forward to.

I worked with my FA for the first time on the floor by ourselves. It went well except for the morning because she didn’t know how to unlock the door properly so the patients could get inside on time. That put all of our patients behind by a few minutes, but once you’re behind there’s no way to really catch up and it dominoed into the rest of the day.

I spent most of the day making needle packs so now I have a proper setup; at least one that I think will work for me. There are two bins of 15 gauge needle packs. When one runs out there’s the second to replace it and the first can be refilled without causing a breakdown in the chain of supplies or the worry of old supplies never getting used and buried under the new stuff. I still want to make another bin worth of standard packs, ones without needles, for the times we need 17, 16, or 14 gauge needles. It’s easier to grab a premade pack and add the needle lines into them since very few of our patients use anything outside of 15s.

And since the clinic is down to three days a week, I’m able to keep all of the packs I need for the week in one of the drawers at my station, so I don’t have to worry about making sure I have the packs out of the stock room for the next day. I can reset on Friday for the coming week and be good to go. So far it’s been working well; the system I’m developing, finding, fine-tuning. It’s making things run easier for me, and because they’re running easier for me that in turn makes it easier for my RN and our patients because I’m able to do more. I can be more present rather than trying to take care of tasks that also need to get done. It’s an efficiency thing, and that’s something I’m good and figuring out, given the time to do it.

So yeah, yesterday I spent a majority of my downtime working with supplies. I also got to talk to our BioMed for a while after lunch which was fantastic. He answered a lot of my questions and I feel I’m more comfortable with the machines. That was another 15 minutes or so where I wasn’t on the floor prepping for the next day, though.

Once all of our patients were off the machines my FA wanted me to walk her through the “closing” tasks, so even though there were two of us doing them, it still took a bit longer because I had to explain what I was doing and why.

I had been hoping to get to the gym for a spin class along with doing the workouts my trainer wants me to be doing on my off days; the days I’m not working with him. The class started at 5:30. I didn’t leave the clinic until six. I had been looking forward to the gym all day. I’ve been eating better. I’ve had more energy. At lunch, I felt like I would have the energy to do it; to do to the class and maybe not crush it, but at least do it which would have been better than the previous week where I didn’t go at all.

After I clocked out from work, though, all I wanted was to go home, which was another thing that changed.

I had been told early in the morning that North Omaha still needed me to cover for them Tuesday morning. I was supposed to be at their clinic at 4:45 and work until around noon. I didn’t find out until 5:30 pm that they no longer needed me.

I’m not complaining about having time to myself, but it would have been nice to have had more warning that things were going to change.

Since I no longer had an hour drive ahead of me with a full day of work in my future, all I wanted was to go home and shower and eat and go to bed. So that’s what I did. I didn’t go to the gym and there’s a part of me who’s not happy about that fact. The difference between reasons and excuses are perspective and I can see both sides of my situation and it sucks. I made a smart choice by caring for myself and my introvertedness and getting proper food and rest. I’m also a slacker because I’m sure I really did have enough reserves to make it to the gym and do the things my trainer wants me to be doing.

Flipside… I haven’t stopped or had any length of downtime to myself aside from the two nights where I slept at the hotel and while I know that counts towards something, I don’t really think it counts as much as the time I have had this morning, right now, to myself. It’s the first morning where I’ve woken up and haven’t had to do anything or really plan for the immediate two to four hours after my initial wake-up.

Since I was supposed to be in Omaha, my at the gym training was moved to later in the day, so I had the ability to go back to sleep after Ox left for work, which I don’t know if that was a good call or not with how slow and tired I feel now.

I’ve been asked to cover a few shifts at the downtown Lincoln location in the coming weeks. I’ll be an opener on the TTS shifts so I’ll be one of the first techs to leave. I don’t want this to become habit or routine. I liked the South Omaha clinic so much more than the downtown Lincoln one, and maybe that’s because I was still in “training” while I was at DTL. It would be nice to see some of those techs again and a few of the RNs. It would be nice to see some of the patients I had in Beatrice since they had to move clinics temporarily while my clinic is down to only three days.

I would still get overtime and travel compensation for helping at the clinic, but there’s still, once again, a part of me who isn’t all that happy that I was asked to work there. It’s confusing and I don’t think right now, while I’m tired, is the time to try to figure those feelings out.

Instead, I think what I need to do is to figure out how to be ok in the coming days.

Combat practice doesn’t end until 8:30 which means if I stay for the whole thing I won’t be home until roughly nine, and I’ll need a shower, so I’m looking at a 9:30 bed time at the earliest while still having to wake up at 3 am for work. I think it might be better to only stay until 7:30 and have a larger time frame to prep for tomorrow morning.

I know that I need more burger and chicken. At least the burger patties since those are easy meals that I don’t need anything else for. I can precook them and take them with me if need be. I’ve been doing well with my metrics, even with having two bites of chocolate cream pie last night. I’m fully expecting my trainer to say something about it today but I would rather be honest about logging it than hiding it and I’m not going to regret my choice. Instead of having a whole slice I got to share it with Ox. It was a compromise. A halfway happy. I didn’t deny myself, but I didn’t do a full-on “zero fucks given” free-for-all either.

I will have a very brief window between training and combat practice where I could try to cook something as long as it’s fairly quick. It might be good for me to figure something out now because I won’t have much of a chance tomorrow if I’m driving up to a hotel in Omaha in the evening and that would leave me with no food for Thursday, and I won’t be leaving Omaha until 5 pm, so roughly a 7pm home arrival time with work again in Beatrice at 4:30 so there’s not much time in the evening to do anything that day either.

If I can survive until the weekend I’ll be ok. I just don’t know how to do that at the moment.

I’m going to need to do laundry since I still only have three pairs of scrubs and I work four days a week for the next three weeks it seems. It’s something I mentioned to Ox this morning while we were texting the first time I woke up. Even if I don’t use them, I think it would be smart to get more scrubs so the issue of laundry is no longer an issue. Maybe even another two pairs of socks so I can avoid that being a thing as well. And maybe that’s something I can look at today while we’re in town. I’m sure there’s a scrub store. I can look online to see if anyone carries the ones I want. Maybe even call and see if they have them in stock. I still have time. I can figure all of this out instead of sitting here and feeling like it’s all a disaster waiting to happen. It will only be a disaster if I sit passively and do nothing. I need to be proactive if I’m going to solve the issues that I know are problems.

I’m not going to be a helpless bystander who gets run over by Life. I’m going to be a bawce and take care of this shit because I refuse to let it make my days harder.

So I think that’s what I’m going to do. Instead of having a breakdown, I’m going to plan and take action. I have an hour before I need to leave.

I need to figure out a shopping list for after the gym. I need to figure out my scrub issue. I need to go to training. I need to stop by the store. I need to cook one meal since I still have enough premade breakfast left to get me through the week. I need to potentially pick up scrubs and socks. And then I need to meet with Ox so we can eat before beating each other with sticks at the SCA practice.

I will make this a good day.

It’s my one day off. I won’t let tiredness win. I WILL do the things and it WILL be a good day.

Daily Post 088: Hello Old Friend

Not proofread because sleep is a thing

Hello dearest Microsoft Surface,

It’s been a while since I’ve written on you. It’s been a while since you’ve been charged and updated. I’m sure it’s nice to have the dust brushed off of you. At some point, I’m sure I’ll clean your screen.

I can remember moments with you. Good moments like the ones at my sports bar where I would pay bills while eating lunch after going to kickboxing. I remember you were what I wrote on for my “first birthday”. The first one without mom. I remember that night; how I had been in Vegas for the holiday season. I remember how we all went out to dinner and how other than that it wasn’t a big deal. It was a decent day and yet I still came home and cried as I poured everything out through your keyboard.

I’m grateful for the times you’ve been there for me. I’m grateful for the tasks you’ve helped me complete. I’m grateful for moments like now, where you’re the instrument, the key, to letting me write my thoughts onto a blank page which in turn leads me to understanding myself better.

We’ve been through a lot together even though our times recently have grown more distant.

A lot has happened in the past week. It was the first week of the new schedule at work. It’s been getting better but one of our patients has become pretty unstable and so the days have still been hard. Harder than what I’ve grown used to.

The first day, Monday, tried really, really hard to be on par with the Orlando clinic. It was probably only better because the day was shorter; 12 hours instead of sixteen. I still wanted to cry on the way home with how completely tapped out I was.

Tuesday I met with my trainer again. We went through some of the things he wants me to be doing on my own then did a half work out where he totally destroyed my legs. It was good though. I haven’t had to work that hard in a while and it was a tiredness, an ache, that I’ve missed. The pain of making myself be better than I am.

I mailed my thank you cards to Orlando after stopping by Walmart. The receipt said they should arrive at my old clinic on Thursday. I’m glad I finally got that taken care of. I hope the cards reach my old coworkers well and that my words mean something to them.

After the post office, I went to my clinic where I started on the NFACT training to become an expert cannulator. I made it through all of the video training and printed off all of the P&Ps that I need to read (policy and procedure). I have a print off of everything I need to do to complete the training and I was glad to see so many highlighted lines of things I was able to get done while I was there. Having all of the quiet time to myself made me more ready to face my next workday. It helped me recover from the lameness and overwhelm of Monday.

Wednesday was another crazy day, though not due to A-Level alarms. The morning started off well. Things were going smoothly. Then we had to call EMS for one of our patients. I’m not a doctor. Neither is our RN. We’re only able to handle so much with just the two of us and seven other patients who need our care. It was better for everyone that she agreed to go to the ER.

Mr. Non-compliance showed up, which was good. He needs to be there. He needs his antibiotic since his CVC is infected. He needs to be dialyzed so his blood isn’t full of toxins slowly eroding away at all of the years he still has left to live.

I have never personally been on dialysis, but I know, just like any other disease or hardship, that it doesn’t have to define someone. It’s only the end of it you let it be the end. If Life sucks and starts being a dick tell it to go fuck itself and fight to live the life you want to live. Don’t let it stop you.

Does that mean compromising on a lot of things?

Yes. But better to compromise and have a halfway happy than to give up and have no happy at all.

I guess it’s all about perspective and, for the most part, I try to make mine one of, “I’m going to make this work no matter how hard you try to stop me.”

Another thing that happened Wednesday was my FA reached out to me asking if I would be interested in covering some shifts are other clinics in Omaha. With the rush to get everything squared away from the PCT registry, there are some techs who aren’t able to work and so there are spots that need to be filled until all of the red tape can get figured out.

Normally I wouldn’t be jazzed about working more hours, but there’s incentive pay and it would be overtime if I did work those shifts. I also know what it’s like to work shorthanded. And I guess I was asked for specifically. My FA travels a lot and has mentioned to several other FAs how well I am doing on her team. When the need arose to have someone float to their clinics they wanted to know if I would be willing, thus why my FA reached out to me.

I talked to Ox before making a decision about the first shift. It was for the coming Saturday; a day we would have the kids. Being there two days in a row is hard for me. There’s little downtime where I can recharge and as awful as it might be, the thought of working and being out of the house was better than being constantly bombarded by an eight-year-old. One day I could do. Two was more than I wanted at the time.

Ox said he was ok with me doing whatever I wanted to do; that he supported me, but to make sure I wasn’t biting off more than I could chew.

With Ox’s support, I replied to my FA saying I could cover the upcoming Saturday shift, but that I would need to talk to my trainer about moving my times around before I could say anything about the other days.

I was glad when Wednesday was over. My RN was feeling under the weather and it was her last day which didn’t help make the day any smoother. We had planned a few weeks back to get dinner together and even though both of us were tapped out I’m glad neither of us canceled our plans. I got to meet her daughter. It was a nice evening even though I ended up having to drive home in what felt like a hurricane level downpour in Nebraska.

Thursday I had training again. My legs were still sore from Tuesday so I was worried about how well I would be able to do. We started by looking at my food tracking on MyFitnessPal. I’m doing ridiculously better than I was for the past… we’ll say four months, but I was still over in some areas while being under in others.

I was over in carbs. My limit is 100 or less. The highest I was over was 67, but that’s still 67 that’s taking me away from my goal. I was over in calories by roughly 700 on my worst day, but again, that’s 700 more I have to burn through to make the level of progress I want.

I was drastically under in protein, which I need if I’m going to be working out as hard as I’m going to be.

My trainer and I talked about it. I made mental notes on what I could change and how for the coming week and then proceeded to go to the floor where we had our first full workout.

We started with the machines again, doing the same ones we had done on Tuesday but with slightly lower weight. I was proud that I made it through everything. Maybe it was a psychological thing, but knowing the weight was less made it seem more ok. I had done 200 lbs. on Tuesday. 175 wasn’t necessarily a cakewalk, but it wasn’t 200 so I knew I could do it, and I did.

After the machines, we went to the back room where we did a lot of plyometric stuff. At the end, he said he was pretty impressed. He said I had more coordination than what he was expecting and that it really was more of an issue with getting the nutrient side under control.

I would rather not be insulted by his comment. I know it could be taken that way. It would be easy to have one of those, “What? Did you think I was a sack of potatoes?” type of response to his comment.

I would rather not think of it that way. I know I may not look like much but I’ve done a lot of things in my life so far. Marching band. Boxing. Kickboxing. Aikido. Jiujitsu. Muay Thai. Running. Yoga. Zumba. Warrior Dashs… All of that goes into what I’m able to do now. Not all of that is apparent on the surface.

I talked to him about the changes to my schedule and we worked out times in the evening, after my shifts at the Omaha clinics where we could meet. I knew the coming week would be brutal but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I was going to cover those shifts and have my workouts too.

Once I had showered I went to Walmart again so I could make the changes I wanted to foodwise. From there I went to the clinic where I clocked in and read through all of the P&P that I needed to. I wasn’t at the clinic as long on Thursday but I was ok with that. I got the remaining things checked off my list and sent an email to my FA letting her know the only thing left, aside from a training module that appeared to no longer be on the site, was to be checked off on my skills list.

I went home. I did laundry. I unloaded, loaded, and ran the dishwasher, later emptying it again to fill with the dishes from dinner. I cooked a new zoodle recipe which I think turned out pretty good. I made sure I was ready for Friday and went to sleep.

Friday was another rough day.

My left leg was seriously hurting me when I woke up and not in a sore muscle sort of way. It was the back of my knee, towards the outside. It hurt to straighten it completely. It felt like the tendon in that area was overly tight; like a rubber band that you’re trying to stretch too far. I knew I had to make it through my day regardless of how my leg felt so after my shower I took the last IcyHot patch that I had gotten for my back forever ago and put it on the back of my knee. Since it was in a place that would move and flex a lot I wrapped it with adherent wrap a few times and hoped the compression would be enough to let me at least hobble through the day.

My leg wasn’t any better by the time I got to the clinic so I was slower in getting things done but I did the best I could and that’s all I could do. The patient we called EMS for on Wednesday started having issues again. We think it might be an allergy to the dialyzer she’s using, so we have orders from her doctor to try a different one. I’m hoping that makes Monday better.

Since I was going to be working in Omaha the next day I tried finding a hotel room to stay in, but I couldn’t find anything for under $150. I guess there was some super big conference meeting going on. With having the kids Friday night there wasn’t really a way for me to get the amount or quality of sleep that I would need if I was going to be waking up super early to drive that far from home to work a full day.

I ended up getting a hotel room in Beatrice instead. It would make the trip a little longer but, ideally, I would be able to get the proper rest I needed to make it through the day.

Ox and I met near home for dinner. I tried making smart choices with my food; ones in line with the metrics I’m trying to stick with. Even with going out to eat I came in under my limits for calories and carbs. Go me.

Neither of us liked the thought of being apart for the night, but we both understood the situation and that it was a smart choice. The incentive pay essentially covered the hotel cost, so that was negated, but I would still be making overtime pay, so even with the extra expense, I was coming out in the positive. I would be helping my sister clinics and making myself a more valuable team member. I would be getting time with the other machine models so I don’t lose those skills, and I would be meeting more team members and seeing how other clinics are run which could give me insight to how my own clinic could become better.

Overall I was looking forward to my Saturday. Ox and I agreed that I would wake up a little earlier than I had to so I could stop by home in the morning on my way to Omaha so we could still see each other.

He fell asleep shortly after he got home which led to unresponded to text messages and missed calls. It wasn’t a warm fuzzy way to end the night, but I figured something must be going on for him to not respond. I was glad that I didn’t freak out or have the knee-jerk reactions I would have in the past. I didn’t instantly think he had died. I thought, “Maybe he didn’t realize his phone died. Or maybe he forgot to pay the bill.”

I stopped at Walmart before going to my hotel room. I picked up more IcyHot patches with ibuprofen and an actual knee brace. I made it through checkout then immediately found a bench to put the brace on. It felt amazing. I wore it the rest of the night until I was about to go to sleep.

I slept deeply and solidly for the whole night, waking up only a few minutes before my alarm went off, which is actually a nice way to start my day. I like waking up on my own, coming out of a REM cycle rather than having it interrupted by an alarm.

I showered and had half an apple before packing up my car and heading home. I started to worry then since he still wasn’t answering his phone. I could feel the icy fingers of dread trying to curl around my stomach. The closer I got to my turn off the stronger those feelings got.

Luckily he ended up calling me and explained that he fell asleep super hard and that he was just now waking up. I explained where I was at on the road and that we would see each other soon.

It was nice getting a hug from him. I liked the physical reassurance that everything was ok. We still had our cigarette together and I was able to have my Bang energy drink, something I had forgotten to pack with me the night before.

The drive up to Omaha was uneventful. It was actually pretty nice to watch the sunrise as I drove since my shift started at 7:30 am. The clinic was also pretty easy to find; another plus to the day. I got there early to make sure I had time in case I got lost along the way. I was able to sync my account with their systems so I could chart. I got to meet the other team members who were working that day and explain what I felt my strengths were verses my weaknesses. One of the RNs walked me through stringing one of the machines since it has been roughly three months since I had worked with the ones they use.

I’m glad that after seeing it done once that I was able to fall back into the swing of things and that the day was smooth and uneventful. All of the patients were pleasant and kind. I was able to jump in and carry my own weight and as the staff started heading home for the day, each of them stopped and thanked me for coming to help out and that they enjoyed working with me.

I enjoyed my time at the clinic and I wouldn’t mind working there again if they need me. It’s a bit of a drive, but they have a very solid team and, in a way, it reminds me of being back in Orlando. It’s a bigger clinic and not many techs can work in that type of environment. A lot of the clinics in the area are small; eight to twelve stations. So when they have to cover something closer to twenty stations they get overwhelmed. Since that’s the type of environment I started in I just go along with it. It’s nothing new and honestly, it was a pretty easy day, but then TTS days usually are since they’re the “lighter” days. Fewer patients and such.

Once I was clocked out I headed home. Once again Ox wasn’t answering his phone which was frustrating but I knew I would have an answer to why eventually.

When I got home he said he had been sleeping for most of the day. He’s been sick not only with whatever has been plaguing his lungs but also with a stomach bug. We had dinner. I showered. I unpacked a bit. But mostly I went to sleep.

And so now we’re here at today. Sunday.

I woke up. I had my egg and chicken breakfast, crushing my protein intake like a bawce.

Shortly after everyone had eaten Lil’ Ox, that’s what I’ll refer to Ox’s daughter as, since I’m going to stick with the Ox theme I have going, and I went for a bike ride. It’s the first time her and I have been alone together and I think it went well. We made it all the way to the park near our house and played for a bit. Eventually, other people showed up and she played with the other kids that were there. That meant I had to interact with the mom’s and keep cool and not freak out over that fact that I have no idea how to be a parent because Lil’ Ox isn’t actually mine even though she was saying how she had to ask her “mom” for permission to go to the other area of the playground.

Omg. I’m so not ready for this. >.<;

It might have been low of me, but shortly after that, I felt it was time to go home. We had been gone for close to an hour. I had done my part of holding my shit together in the face of a totally foreign situation. It was getting warm. I didn’t have sunscreen on…

Yeah… totally time to go home.

I told Ox about the park adventure. He snickered at me. We had plans to go into town for the day so I showered and changed and we all piled into my car to spend the afternoon together.

We stopped at GameStop first so Ornery Ox, his son, could get a few games. He gets allowance money but rarely spends it. He also had a gift card to the store for his birthday, so he was able to get a couple game all on his own.

Lil’ Ox got a few toys while we were there, using her own allowance money even though she was upset that her brother had more money than her. That caused a little bit of friction on the way to the store since Ornery Ox kept making comments about the amount of money he had.

Honestly, it was like listening to me and Jon when we were younger. I don’t understand how my mom didn’t kill us. XD

We stopped at Best Buy for me where I was a totally irresponsible adult and bought my first TV.

Yep. That’s right. I now am the proud owner of a 38-inch Chromecast compatible TV which I plan to hook my PS4 up to and play through the new God of War game and the remastered Spyro games when they come out in September because Spyro is amazing.

It’s a weird feeling. But… I think it’s a good one. I don’t know yet. I’ll keep you posted.

I went across the street to my new sports bar for lunch. After eating I stopped by my storage unit to get the rattan sticks I had gotten forever ago for my SCA swords because that’s something I’m going to be doing again.

It’s something I started looking into shortly before falling asleep Saturday night. There’s a group in Lincoln and their first outdoors fighter practice is going to be Tuesday, the 8th.

I so want to go. I can’t put into words how awesome it would be to make progress in the combative area of my life and to have a group, outside of work, that I belong to.

With working on Wednesdays, there’s not a way for me to make any of the meets for the embroidery guild and I’m not ready to go back to the dojo. I want to wait until after my Warrior Dash to venture back into that area of my life.

But SCA… That’s something that I would totally be ok with being involved in now and it would still be fighting and lining up with my training and… I don’t know.

I’m excited about it. Like… hardcore looking forward to going even though I don’t have any armor or gear that I can use as armor.

We came home after the trip to the storage unit. I hid upstairs for a little bit to decompress from all of the social of the day. I played a little bit of Crash Titans with Lil’ Ox. We’re on a boss level so she got tired of not winning. Booked another hotel room in Beatrice so I could get another good nights sleep without worrying about people having to tiptoe around my early bedtime or me constantly waking up since I’m a light sleeper.

I packed my food for the coming day along with everything I would need for the gym after work since that’s something I would really like to do if I’m able to.

My leg has been way better today but I have the knee brace with me if I feel I need it. I’ve eaten dinner. I’ve set everything out. My alarm is set. I’ve written. I’ve talked to Ox, so really all that’s left is to take my contacts out and go to sleep.

So with that, my dear friend, I guess I’m going to go.

I don’t think I really needed to figure out anything tonight. I think I just needed to write it all out and reflect on the week. It’s had some hard moments, but when compared to everything else, I think I had a really good week and I think there’s a lot of things to look forward to in the coming week.

Thanks for letting me write. Thanks for being there for me, the hard times and good times alike. Get some updates, and hopefully, it’s not another six months before we spend some time together.

Daily Post 136: My Very Own Place

I have been a complete and total fucking bawce for the past two weeks. Normally I would feel bad about having a curse word in my first sentence. I mean… that’s kind of a trashy intro… But, this is me not caring because, at least for the moment, I’ve taken Life in hand and beat it into submission and things are finally mostly stable and / or working out.

I made it through the fourth. I did pretty well that day I think. It didn’t start to hurt or feel lonely until the evening. I ended up going to a lake and listening to music while I watched the sun set. It was the same lake I went to on the second month of mom’s death.

On the second fourth I wrote a blog post, crying over my keyboard as I sat in a hotel room that I purposefully left too cold because what was the point of turning it up? Mom was dead. Nothing mattered, not even the cold. The cold didn’t hurt as much, couldn’t even come close to the pain I felt in my chest at having to accept the fact that it was two months.

At the time the most painful thing was the thought of going outside, of having to be around people, of having to actually bare the weight of mom not being here. I wrote through all of the emotions I had. I cried through most of it. By the time I got to the end of my writing I had decided I would get up. I would shower. I would go outside even though it would be painful and I would most likely cry more.

I would do those things because I had promised mom that even though she had died that I wouldn’t stay in bed all day. I would eat at least one meal. I would take care of myself, if only barely because I knew I couldn’t stop. I had to keep going because even though she knew it would be hard for me, mom wanted me to keep going.

That day, the second fourth, I went to the lake. I’m pretty sure I ran. A shitty run, but a run, which was more than I had thought I could do given the day.

This fourth, the sixth fourth, I didn’t run. I didn’t want to. I sat and I cried silent tears as I listened to music and watched the clouds change colors and when I was done I went back to the extended stay. I made it through the day without losing sight of who I am and without feeling like surviving would be the most impossible task in my life. It was a somber day, a gray day, and I’m ok with that. It was a stone in the structure of who I am. A defining moment. One year will be a defining moment. Twenty seven years will be a defining moment. Maybe when I turn mom’s age. I can see that being significant to me as well.

I marked my sixth fourth as somber, yes, but also as positive in my book.

I survived.

Not only had I survived, I had been productive.

On the fourth I applied for a townhome I found online and even got to tour it. The realtor was extremely nice and said he could work with my situation. I didn’t sit inside all day. I worked on moving forward with my life and found an avenue that was exceedingly promising. One which I wouldn’t need a cosigner for.

I found out on the fifth that I was approved.

I feel I need to write that again. Maybe in bold… and a bigger font…

I was approved for my own townhome.

The day after the six-month mark of my mom’s death I was able to, finally, sleep in my own room.

It was extremely symbolic for me. It made me feel like I’m actually doing something right with my life. It felt like a turning point. I’m figuring things out. I’m starting to stand up again, on my own.

I packed up most of the things in the extended stay and began moving into my new place that night. The sixth was a lot of back and forth to my storage unit. I didn’t have anyone to help with the furniture, but I got most of my boxes, which was nice.

The seventh was when Matthew threatened.

Right Brain: Hooray! We have a home!

Left Brain: Hooray… We’re getting hit by a cat 4 hurricane…

My area didn’t get much of anything. No damage, no loss of power. Having been through hurricane Floyd in South Carolina way back in the day I was actually pretty unimpressed with the weather. It wasn’t nearly as scary as that had been. As I said, though, we got really lucky. I know other areas weren’t as fortunate.

Because of the hurricane I wasn’t able to do much over the next few days and I sort of resigned myself to not being able to do much until Monday.

Sunday I did go to combat practice, which was fun. I got to do some sword drills and see everyone again. Since I hadn’t been to a practice in so long there was anxiety over going back. I’m glad I did, though. It was great.

Oh, before I forget… I did hear back about the potential job. That was on the fourth as well. I didn’t get the job since they need someone proficient in 3DS Max and I’m proficient in Maya, but the guy loved my work and I guess my D&D themed resume completely made his day. It’s always nice to know your work is appreciated and to have positive feedback. So even though it didn’t work out, I had good feelings over the experience.

I can still impress people with my skills. I can still play “The Game” if I really wanted to.

So… That leads to this past week…

I suppose I should mention that Warren #1 will be moving in with me. He’s currently still in South Carolina and most likely won’t be here until November 8th-ish. He hasn’t ironed out a few details, but he is moving in, sooner rather than later. I know I’ve mentioned him before. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written out the full story. It seems so long ago, and I guess in the over arcing story of my life so far, it is.

First boyfriend. First true best friend. First one year anniversary. Warren was actually my longest relationship by far. We were together five years. We had actually started talking about engagement.

First breakup…

I’m glad we’re still friends and that we worked through the negativity of our breakup. I’m glad he’s been able to help me cope with mom’s death, and I’m glad I’ve been able to help him with the issues he’s going through. We’re going on 14 years of friendship. That’s literally half of my life.

I’m not worried about sharing space or having him live with me, and I think a lot of that has to do with knowing each other so well. We’ve agreed that the townhome is mine, so if things don’t work out, he’s the one to leave. We have separate rooms and bathrooms. We’re sharing the office space. He’s paying his share of things. He’s interested in letting me beat him up with a sword. He’s ok with me being sad. He’s interested in meal planning with me and biking. He’s interested in this being a home, for both of us. Safe. Quiet. No drama. Both of us being alone with someone who wants to be alone.

Right now I’m enjoying the fact that the townhome is empty and I’m able to adjust to being here. Decompressing. Finding my routines again. Finding me again. Through all of the noise and chaos and tidal waves Life has given me over and over for the past six months, I’m finding me. The me who is starting to stand on my own without the leg braces of mom to hold me up.

I’m looking forward to Warren being here but I’m also enjoying the bit of space I have beforehand. And for now I guess that’s really all there is to say about it.

The landlord is ok with me painting the walls. Even offered to buy the paint since they were going to repaint everything before I moved in. Since I want to do all the painting myself, because I actually like painting which I guess is weird because everyone I’ve mentioned this to always responds with how much they hate painting, my first month is being prorated for my labor.

… Prorated rent to do something that I want to do… Yes, please?

So not only do I get to make the townhome feel like mine because I’m putting time and effort into the space, but I’m able to have the colors I want for free. Currently I’m waiting on Warren to ok the color scheme I want to go with. I don’t think he’s all that concerned, but I want him to see the colors before I talk to the landlord that way on the off chance he doesn’t like something we can figure it out before buying the paint and there’s no turning back.

It would be nice to be able to start painting next week. Do a room a day or something. At least the walls. I would do the trim separately.

Aside from that I’ve bought a bunch of stuff. A bookcase, computer desk, and computer chair are the biggest things. The computer desk was on clearance at Target for 20 bucks. Pardon me while I feel thrifty.

It was nice being able to assemble things and unpack properly. I love putting things together. It helped me feel accomplished. Not only do I actually own things now, but my things are no longer hidden away in boxes in a storage unit. My things are with me, in my space, making it feel like I actually belong somewhere.

I got my computer setup. And I mean 100% set up. Not the little half setup I had at the extended stay on a crappy, tiny table. I mean both monitors, speakers, printer, external hard drive… the works. I love my beast and right now it’s completely dominating in all its unadulterated glory.

I have my art supplies and books out of boxes for the first time in what feels like forever. Once the walls are painted I’ll be able to hang my artwork and corkboard and inspirational things. That will really be the final touch on making the space feel like home. But it’s already so much better than what I’ve had for the past six months, or even what I had with Zane, since most of my things were still in storage even then, that I’m actually super content with where things are at.

It’s a work in progress, and in one week there’s been a massive amount of progress.

There was a bunch of extra coax wire all over the place from the previous tenants, and of course it was secured to the baseboards with screws. It couldn’t have been anything easy like just wrapping up the wire… no… I got to break out my power drill to take care of that mess.

Am I the only own who feels like a sexy badass using power tools for home improvement projects?

I have my bathroom set up. It’s a walk in shower. So much win.

I’m still on an air mattress until I can get the furniture out of the storage unit, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to wait on that until Warren is here. I’m tired of asking people for favors. Since I’ll be driving up to South Carolina to help him pack, then helping him unload once we get back to Florida I’m pretty sure he won’t have an issue moving my china hutch, hope chest, mattresses, and futon. All of which are actually pretty easy to move. Especially if I rent a dolly for the china hutch which is the only thing that’s an actual pain in the ass because it’s so ridiculously heavy.

Let’s see… I got the Internet set up. And the printer, which actually wouldn’t work at first. Had to clean the heads of the cartridges, then everything was right as rain. Still not getting the mbps I should be, but the Internet is doing better than what it was… which was 6.

6 mbps… Even Facebook was lagging. It made me want to punch things in the face.

I installed Guild Wars 2 again. That was my reward for completing my to-do list yesterday. Getting a pizza and gaming, which I did until midnight. Got my ranger to level 12… out of 80…

Corey is going to give me a code for the expansion so we can play together. He’s the reason I went back to the game. He wanted some to game with… I’m not really doing much… Seemed like a good fit.

I’ve been going to boxing more regularly. I actually got new gloves since my knuckles got pretty chewed up with the wraps and gloves I got with my membership. I amused myself that day by messaging most of my guy friends saying how I got sexy new black gloves. All of them wanted to see these “sexy gloves”… so I sent them a picture of my hands in the new boxing gloves. Needless to say that wasn’t what they had been expecting. It was great. Made my day. XD

I went to Wednesday’s night combat practice. I ordered rattan earlier in the week so I could make my own swords. That came in on Friday. Since tomorrow’s practice is going to be held at a different location about two hours away I don’t think I’m going to be able to do much of anything with the rattan for about a week. Maybe I’ll luck out and one of the guys will be free one evening and will be willing to teach me. That would be super cool.

Still waiting to get my test date… That’s frustrating. Not really worried about it though since I have other things to occupy myself with.

That’s about it. That’s a lot of stuff though, and a lot of it is positive, forward moving stuff.

I can feel my metabolism picking back up with all of the boxing and combat. I actually sleep at night because I’m exhausted from being productive. And I feel accomplished at the end of the day because I’ve done meaningful things with my time, even if they are selfish things like fixing the Internet so I can avoid flipping over my new computer desk in blind rage from disconnecting during a boss fight…

Well… I think I’m going to go for now. I’ve grocery shopped today and did all of the prep work so all I need to do tomorrow is cook. This is the first week where I’ve been able to do my “weekend” routine.

Looking back on it, this past week was as perfect as perfect could be. There were challenges and struggles… and triumphs and rewards… There’s things to look forward to in my future…

I’ve made it six months. I’ve survived, and for a while that was all I was focused on. Survival. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

It finally feels like I’m starting to move past surviving. It feels like I’m starting to live again. It’s a good feeling. A warm feeling. Not a lot of warm, but more than there has been. It’s like a small bud blooming, and even though I know winter is just around the corner and December is going to be whatever it ends up being, for right now, with where I’m at, I think I’m actually able to say I’m happy.

I love you, mom. I miss you. But I’m actually, truly, doing ok. It’s not just a phrase that I’m saying to myself, desperately hoping it isn’t a lie. For the first time since you’ve died I feel like I can actually say that I feel happiness again. It’s not a broken or impossible thing for me to feel. It’s real. It’s there. It’s small and fragile and I’m scared that it’s not going to last, but I feel it, mom. I think about my townhome and I smile and feel warm and safe.

I felt like you should know that. I felt like I should tell you that I’m happy, and that I’m not sorry for being happy because you would be happy for me too if you were here. I know you would be proud of me. I know you would be geeking out over me getting to paint because you loved painting, too. You would be happy for me and that makes me happy, mom. Knowing that I can still make you proud makes me happy.

Thank you for still helping me. Thank you for everything. I love you.

Daily Post 135: SCA and Boxing

I didn’t go to SCA yesterday, and I suppose now is as good a time as any to explain what that actually is.

SCA = Society of Creative Anachronism

Think of it like LARPing, only cooler because it’s real.

“[SCA is an] international organization dedicated to researching and re-creating the arts, skills, and traditions of pre-17th-century Europe.”

So you can have your persona, and that’s cool and everything, but your name has to be an actual name that would have been used in the era you choose from the region your persona is from. If you create your own heraldry, it has to be historically accurate. There are all sorts of guilds for things like glass working, herbalism, cooking, even thread arts which I’m totally stoked to look into. And they all follow historically accurate methods.

And of course, there’s combat!!!!!

I haven’t really settled on a persona yet, but I’ll most likely go with a Norse warrior.

I haven’t been to many of the combat practices, mostly because I started going right before I went on my month long walkabout. And by “not many” I mean I went to two… But they were beyond amazingly fun and I’ve met some really awesome people who I actually miss already. Everyone was super open and friendly and didn’t seem to mind my social awkwardness since everyone is slightly socially awkward. It’s like I’ve found my people finally.

Anywho, I didn’t end up going. I went to boxing instead which turned out to be a fantastic workout. I finally made it through the whole class. The instructor was someone that I’ve never had before, and I didn’t recognize anyone who was there. I’ve never been to a Sunday class before though, so I wasn’t surprised by either of those things. I really liked this instructor. He had us do a lot of elbow strikes, which I love doing.

There’s something completely and totally vicious about slamming your forearm into the punching bag. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because it feels like I’m able to put more force behind it. All of the anger and injustice I feel over mom’s death, over Zane being a jerk, over the Universe making things harder than they need to be… it goes straight from my arm into the bag and I don’t have to worry about it having hurt feelings over it.

The bag doesn’t care. The bag is non-judgemental. The bag takes everything that I have, everything that I give, and still hangs there. It lets me hug it after I’m done so I can hide the tears that are sometimes there. And even though it can’t hug me back I know that I haven’t irrevocably damaged anything by letting go of the hurt and pain inside.

Maybe that’s overly deep. The logic side of my brain says it’s just a stupid bag. But it’s not. For one hour out of the day it’s MY stupid bag and there have been a lot of times where it has helped me and I’m grateful for that help.

So yeah, yesterday was an awesome workout. At the end of it I knew I had to eat some form of protein and drink a crap ton of water since all of me was soaked in sweat.

Corey ended up messaging me asking if I wanted to hang out and watch Deadpool. There have been a few instances where we’ve talked about hanging out, and while we have been spending more time together things can still be sort of awkward between us since we’re exs.

I don’t think I’ve ever written about Corey. He was almost four years ago. It’s sort of sobering to realize it’s been that long. It wasn’t until recently that I revisited the memories of our relationship.

We went to school together. He was in the Game Development program, which is essentially a computer software engineering degree. I was in Computer Animation. There was some thread on Facebook talking about “You know you went to Full Sail if…” and we happened to start talking through that. That led to meeting in person. We were both getting ready to graduate, neither of us knowing where we would end up afterwards, so the goal became trying to find things we disliked about each other because starting a relationship only for it to end sounded like it would suck. Only… we couldn’t find things we didn’t like about each other. We got along so well…

He got a job before he graduated. I interned with Clavan and eventually got hired at the school. So, since we were both staying in the area we started dating. There was no longer the need to stiffle or avoid what we naturally felt towards each other. After a few months we moved in together. The girl I had been rooming with kicked me out because I mentioned how I had an art test for a studio and I didn’t know if I would be moving or not. It depended on if they wanted to hire me.

Turns out they didn’t, but I still was out of a home. Corey let me move in with him. It was a one bedroom apartment. Things were good for a little while. He met mom. I met his family, driving 24 hours in a single day to make it to Maine for Thanksgiving that year. I liked, and still like, his family and I guess they still ask about me.

The good times didn’t last, though. I don’t remember all of the details in that regard. He didn’t like that I always came home later than what I was “supposed” to. All of his previous partners had cheated on him, so my being late would trigger negative emotions and insecurities. I felt like that was unfair because I was at work helping my students or talking with my supervisor or trying to get a project to a good stopping point. I was never more than 30 minutes late, but it was long enough and often enough to be an issue for the relationship.

I became more and more withdrawn which didn’t help anything, and with having a one bedroom apartment I didn’t have a “safe spot” to retreat to. Being more withdrawn made him more angry and insecure which pushed me further away.

It was a cycle that neither of us were able to break. It got to the point where I would cry in my car before going home because I wanted to be anywhere but there. I started self-harming as a way to cope, cutting the bottoms of my feet again.

I told my mom about the situation and she agreed that maybe the healthiest course of action for both of us was for me to move out.

The only person at the time that I could move in with was Warren #2, who I have wrote about. Corey knew he was an ex. A bad one. One that I didn’t like. I didn’t know what else to do at the time. I couldn’t keep coming back to a place where every time I walked through the door it felt like I was being accused of infidelity when all I was doing was my job.

I brought up the possibility of moving in with Warren. A two bedroom apartment where I would have my own space. Corey asked if Warren and I would have sex. I said I didn’t want to, but there was still tension there, and history, so it was a possibility.

We broke up. He felt betrayed. I don’t blame him or begrudge him for those feelings. I would feel that way, too. I couldn’t sit there and lie to him, though. I was already being accused of being unfaithful, so there were the feelings and thoughts of, “What’s the point? I’m doing everything right and it doesn’t matter.” There were feelings of loneliness and isolation. Hurt. I knew even though Warren wouldn’t care for me the way I wanted to be cared for, that he would press for a physical relationship. That’s who he is.

Maybe that was weakness on my part. Small, shallow, unfair. I guess in the end karma worked itself out. I’ve written about the situation with Warren. I’m stronger for the experiences I’ve had, and while I don’t want to repeat them, I’m grateful for them.

But yeah, in the end Corey and I broke up. He didn’t want to talk to me. I accepted that our relationship was over and that he would most likely think of me as a terrible person for the rest of forever.

When mom died I wanted to tell him, but didn’t. I didn’t know how at first. I didn’t know how to get past the hurt and resentment that were most likely still there to tell him what had happened. And then there was everything else life threw at me with Zane that I had to work through… It was always something in the back of my mind, something I “should” do, but never did.

It wasn’t until I thought I was moving to Vegas to live near Jason that I finally reached out to Corey to let him know what was going on. I needed closure before I moved and I needed him to know because mom had liked him. She had been sad we hadn’t worked out.

He was sad when I told him about her death. He thanked me for reaching out. We had lunch a few days later. And I guess the rest of the past few months is sort of history… There have been a handful of times where things become sexually tense, and I’m grateful that we both back away from it. Neither of us wants to go back to a relationship. I’m pretty sure he’s still hurt over the way things ended. In the beginning he would say comments to me which hurt. I eventually said I wasn’t sure where we stood because he would seem fine, like we were friends, and then he would make a comment which cut, deeply, and so I wasn’t sure. If he was still angry I would stay away.

I don’t remember the conclusion of that conversation. I think he apologized. There haven’t been more comments so right now it feels like a fond friendship. He accepts when I’m sad without trying to change it, which I appreciate.

Watching Deadpool had been a plan from a few months ago which had gotten canceled. The offer to watch the movie yesterday seemed nice. I didn’t really have anything else going on other than finding food and showering. I ended up going over for dinner. We had burgers and while the movie was playing I cross stitched. After it was over I helped clean the dishes.

Before I had left for my walkabout I had given Corey all of the food I still had. He didn’t use all of it so he gave me back what was left along with some things he had personally bought but no longer planned on using.

I came home. I processed through my notebook. It’s the first time I’ve had to do that in a while. I made it through a whole week of making to-do lists. I did a good job of completing most of them, too. So it wasn’t a hollow action. I actually did shit with my time. Go me.

I have my weekly list written out. A lot of it is waiting, though. Waiting to find out about the apartment. Waiting to see if I get an interview. Waiting to get the test date for my certification.

Waiting, waiting, waiting…

I’m not good at waiting. I feel like I should be doing something.

I don’t have a lot going on today. Grocery shopping for a few things would be nice. Tomorrow is laundry day since it’s cheaper on Tuesdays, so I “shouldn’t” do it today. Boxing would be good, but I still have three hours before that.

I guess I’ll figure it out.

Tomorrow is the six-month mark of mom’s death. I don’t know what that will be like. I thought I would be scared of that day. I see the wave coming. I know what it’s going to feel like. I know how it’s going to pull me down. But I’m not scared. It’s not unknown anymore.

Maybe this is progress. Maybe this is learning to cope. Tomorrow seems so easy when faced with the reality of December.

I guess I’m going to go for now. Caffeine is needed and punching bags await.

Daily Post 134: Potential Job

Yesterday didn’t go how I thought it would, but I guess that could potentially be a good thing.

Friday my writing was interrupted by a phone call from the apartment hunter. There was a place that looked really promising. The units were even on the ground floor. Screened in patios, washer and dryers in the units. Convenient location to everything I want. Pet-friendly…

I decided to go talk to them before they closed, which didn’t leave me with time to finish my writing. I showered and drove the five minutes to the complex. I talked to the guy there. I toured the model floor plan. I explained a bit of my situation and became more frustrated with society than I already was.

Because I’m unemployed I’m essentially the bane of existence to society. Because I’m unemployed it doesn’t matter what I have in my bank account. Because I’m unemployed my brother has to sign some forms saying he’s responsible for rent and that he makes four times the required amount.

I have enough money to pay for the year in full, but that doesn’t matter. I was in the top 10% of my department for work performance, but that doesn’t matter. I have amazing renter’s history and fantastic credit and I’ve always paid my taxes but none of that matters either. It doesn’t matter that I have an outstanding work ethic, or that my mom died, or that I have plans to get a job and that I’m not actually a freeloader.

I’m unemployed. I suck and would be a terrible tenant and I don’t deserve to have a place to live.

I’m still coming to terms with how our society is set up I guess. I’m still left wondering what’s the point of being an amazing employee, or a decent citizen when none of it matters or helps you when you need help. It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating that I don’t even really need help I just need for there to not be all of this BS in the way. What does it matter if I don’t have income when I can guarantee the year up front?

Tangent aside, I filled out an application. It was too late to get to the bank and back in time with the processing fee, but I arranged to be at the office first thing when they opened in the morning. After that, since I had missed boxing to go to the apartment complex, I came back to the room and got ready for dinner since I had promised Corey his IOU.

Dinner was nice. We went to Kobe which is a Japanese steak house. I had leftovers at the end since there’s always so much food. That ended up being breakfast the next day.

I woke up at 9am so I could make it to the bank to get the check for the apartment complex. I also got a check for Corey since I was buying his couch from him along with getting the mattresses. I gave him more money than we agreed to. He’s been supportive of me during this time and he agreed to help me move everything, so I felt like it was the right thing to do.

After the bank I dashed over to the apartment office. Mr. Dude said he would send me an email with the forms my brother needed to fill out. Shocker… the email still hasn’t arrived. Even checked the spam folder. Much lame. It only adds fuel to the fire of my seething annoyance with society.

At least I can send a fucking email on time. /flips middle finger at no one in general

Anywho, once the check was handed over, which secures the apartment until the application process is concluded, I went to pick up the Uhaul truck. Went to Corey’s, loaded it up, then started driving to the storage unit where I proceeded to ~~bitch~~ talk about the apartment situation.

That’s where yesterday started to deviate from what I had expected it to be. Corey mentioned how his company was looking for CG artists, and how they needed someone pretty much ASAP. He brought up the job posting and read off the requirements / desires to me. Some of them I fit, some of them I don’t.

We basically agreed that it didn’t hurt to apply, and that since he knew the art director he would mention me and send my resume to him directly. Once we were done at the storage unit I began seeing what I needed to do to apply for this job.

I needed to update my resume, website, YouTube, Vimeo, and LinkedIn. Cool… so I’m a total slacker and need to update everything… I can do this. First things first… let’s focus on the resume. All I need to do is find the original Illustrator file… but on yeah… my desktop is in the storage unit I just left, you know… 30 minutes away and I guess I never put the Illustrator file on Dropbox… So I guess I need to remake my resume since that would be faster than driving back, setting up my computer, getting the file, then editing whatever it is that I need to… That’s fine. I wanted to change the structure a bit anyway. This gives me a clean slate to do it.

So now all I need is a computer with Illustrator. No worries. I’m sure one of my former coworkers has a lab today. They can badge me into the building and I can use a school computer for a few hours… Oh… except that no one is on campus today…. Fuuuuuuuuu… Come on, Universe… A bone… something… I’m going to make this work, dammit, and you can’t stop me.

I ended up messaging Frank. He said he had Illustrator CS5 on his computer and that I was welcome to use it. Hooray!

I went over and banged out a new resume in a few hours. It was nice to be inside of Illustrator again, though it would have been easier to align all of the text in InDesign. By the time I was done recreating the resume it was six-ish. I was supposed to have card night with Frank and everyone at seven, but I was on a roll and wanted to get everything done as soon as possible.

Frank seemed to understand and wished me luck. I came back to my room where I proceeded to go through my other sites, updating information, correcting typos no one ever told me about, and deleting videos which were no longer relevant. Mostly those videos were things I had to post for school and didn’t want on my professional sites anymore.

So all of my stuff is cleaned up. The only other things I want to do is type up a cover letter and possibly print out some pictures of my traditional artwork since that was a desired skill to have according to the posting. It wouldn’t be a super nice portfolio, but I can make it work given the short notice, and I think as long as it’s clean that having something is better than nothing.

Big Bad came over later in the evening. It was a nice to let go of all of the stress regarding the apartment and this potential job. Getting the job would mean society can go fuck itself. If I get the artist position and not the QA tester I will be making way more than what I ever did at Full Sail and there would be no question about being able to secure an apartment, any apartment.

If I happen to get an interview I’m going to be up front about my situation and how December is going to suck. At the moment it’s back to playing the waiting game I suppose since I won’t know anything today, most likely for the next few days.

As far as how today is supposed to shape out. I have combat practice for SCA in 20 minutes, so I’ll be late showing up but I’m ok with that. It’s a three-hour practice today. I most likely won’t stay for all of it. But it will be good to get out and have some sunshine for a little bit. It will be good to practice something that I can lose myself in.

I started listening to American Gods the other day. It’s good so far, and longer than the young adult books I’ve been listening to, so it should last me a little bit. After combat I’ll most likely come back, shower, and stitch for a bit while listening to the book. Maybe after I write that pesky cover letter… Eventually I need to go grocery shopping since I’m down to not having food again. At least nothing except burger patties, which are good, but doesn’t leave me much else.

So I’m hoping today is a fairly low key day. And with that I’m off to go beat people up with swords.

Daily Post 132: Lists and Pictures

It’s morning. I’ve been awake for a few hours which surprises me. I had a hard time falling asleep so I had thought I would be slow and sluggish today, but not so. I can’t say that I’m really heartbroken about it. Even though I had some really good times on my walkabout, there were a lot of really hard times, and I started having bad dreams while I was in Texas which made sleeping hard. I haven’t recapped that part of the journey yet, so I’m sure I’ll write about it eventually. Not right now, though.

The takeaway from all of that is I slept last night, and slept well, which is something I had started questioning if I’ll ever be able to do again. I guess I can. I just have to almost kill myself with a boxing workout first. Who knew?

I did have a really long, really weird dream, but it was a lot of random and disconnected scenes and so this is actually the first dream that I can remember which I’m not putting much stock in.

I’ve already showered and cooked breakfast. My coffee is sitting beside me, neglected as always since writing takes up too much of my processing power to remember that I actually need the caffeine. I’ll get to it eventually I’m sure.

I have therapy at 11 this morning. That’s way earlier than when I was normally going, but it was the only spot available when I messaged. I don’t mind. I’m happy I get to see my therapist and tell her about the trip. She recently went on vacation, too. It will be nice to share stories with her.

I guess I should talk about yesterday a little… You know… since this is a “daily” post…

I got a lot taken care of. I went to the storage unit again and started poking through my boxes. Pulled out some stuff to bring back with me like my dish rack. I got a new cross stitch project out of my stash. I actually ordered hand dyed fabric the other day for a pattern I bought while I was in Texas. I can’t wait for it to come in. I would like to finish both of these projects before I move into my apartment.

I put air into my tires and got gas for the car. I went to Publix for a few things, including a sushi bowl for lunch. Went to the bank for a cashier’s check. Eventually I went to boxing where I had a pretty intense workout. I’ve gone the past two days after at least a month of almost nothing, and nothing consistent for the past six. I know I need to be kind to myself and not push too hard. The sadness has an easier time taking hold when I push past my limits. Because of that I didn’t go to combat practice yesterday.

I’m not sure if I wrote about SCA combat… I’ll get into details in another post, but basically I’m learning how to beat people up with swords. It’s awesome.

I was super tired and dehydrated after boxing, so I came back to my room, climbing up three flights of stairs in the process, where I cross stitched and listened to an audiobook for the rest of the night. I also made dinner and tuna so I have lunches. Look at me being a responsible adult, drinking water and eating nourishing things…

I should be getting Scarlet back later tonight. That will be nice but requires a bit of setting up as far as the room goes. Nothing major. Just moving a few things around. Since she can’t jump very well I want to put the mattress on the floor. It seemed to work well with the air mattress.

Oh. Speaking of mattresses… my friend is getting rid of the one he currently has since he’s getting a new bed. He offered for me to have the old one for free, and a couch for cheap. Yay for having furniture for the new apartment. Still need some other things, but I’m glad those two items are off the list.

I suppose I should also mention that I’m writing on my older brother’s Surface tablet. I ended up buying it from him, so I now have a laptop of sorts. It’s been amazing so far. I went out I got a messenger bag so I can carry my paper notebook with me along with my Surface, and all the other odds and ends that I normally keep in my backpack.

I like the smaller bag. The backpack is sort of overkill now since I’m not having to carry a change of clothes with me to work.

My body is sore today, but it still feels like it will be a pretty decent day. If I were using my friend’s scale I would most likely say today is a seven. At least at the moment. For now I’m going to go so I can write up a to-do list for today and start picking away at it.

That’s something I’ve been doing since I’ve been back. Sunday I went out and bought a new notebook. I’ve been making a list every day since Monday. Logically my brain goes, “Well, that’s only three days. Do you want a cookie?” Honestly though, making a to-do list used to be a core action for me. Every day, no matter what, I made my to-do list. Either right before bed or in the morning with breakfast. It was like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. It was like breathing. It just happened, no questions asked.

I’m trying to get back to there. I’m trying to figure out me in the wake of mom’s death and to-do lists are part of that me. I miss them. I miss the structure, the accountability, the guidance, the reliableness. I wasn’t perfect with them before mom’s death, so I’m not looking to be perfect now, but four days in a row is pretty good in my book, so don’t mind me while I sit over here sipping coffee feeling accomplished.

Here’s to trying to have another good day. Cheers.

Oh… and a cute picture that a friend sent me, because who doesn’t like cute pictures?

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