future

Evening Reflections 019: Fantasy Land

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Written yesterday.
Posted today.

Daily Summary: 

I made it to the gym again yesterday. I’m happy to report that I wasn’t as sore when I work up this morning. After my first class, I spent some time stretching but didn’t do a lot for my quads. For three days after my quads reminded me of how I neglected them by being ridiculously sore. After class yesterday, I spent time stretching again but made sure to spend some time on my quads specifically. I think that is the biggest factor to being mostly alright today.

Since it was a dreary overcast day, I didn’t have a lot of faith in my motivation to get to the gym. Luckily, I had the discipline and inner guilt to get me at least out to my car. Everything after that was easy. I enjoyed the class and feel I did better than my first one. Hopefully, it’s all progress from here. 

Ox came over after work and we spent the day at the rental. A handful of my teammates and I installed Pokemon Go on our phones so we traded information and such. Other than that, it was a quiet day at work. I listened more to Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I did chores during my breaks. Since I was washing the bedding, we had to hang around a little bit after I clocked out of work so I could switch the final comforter to the dryer. Once that task was completed we packed up the kittens and came to the house.

We had discussed plans for the weekend. The goal was/is to spend the weekend here at the house working on the addition. Sunday night we’ll head back to the rental.

I slept deeply last night. I mildly remember having a dream. I remember there were dead bodies in it. I don’t remember the context. I do know I woke up feeling not ok. Grouchy. Irritable. Emotionally raw…

It was a rough start, but Ox and I got through it. We went to Goodwill to get myself some “work pants”. All I have are shorts or thin yoga pants and he didn’t want me doing construction-type work in “improper” clothing. 

I get it… also not going to drop a bunch of money on pants I’m to trash. I found a pair of decent pants for $7 and called it good. We spend most of the morning organizing and cleaning up the second floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked on the addition and various other projects have been completed in the space. 

We got the area back to a workable condition and even made progress on the rafters for the ductwork. We’re calling it a day for now with the agreement that we finish the rafters tomorrow. That’s our goal for the weekend. Since we won’t have to make impromptu trips into town for clothing tomorrow, we should be able to get it completed. 

I’m looking forward to it. It feels good to be working on something. Even better to be seeing progress for the effort. 

The cats are doing well. They settled in quicker than they did last weekend. 

I did have a message from my brother last night. That was frustrating since it regarded finances. I’m trying not to let him bother me. There are tentative plans for me to see him tomorrow. As petty as it might be, I wouldn’t be heartbroken not to see him for a while. I’m tired of hearing how he’s bought tons of new things for this garden only for him to turn around and say he can’t afford to pay me the amount he agreed to for taking over the lease for him and his partner. 

I’m tired of him telling me how he feels unloved and unsupported while he continually fucks with my financial stability. 

So yeah, I have some feelings to work through and I would rather do it in solitude rather than trying to make him feel better about making shitting choices because I’m not a priority in his life. At the very least, the agreements he has made with me are not a priority. I’m angry over it. Anger is hurt directed outward. I am again having to figure out how to make up for the financial shortcomings of someone else because they felt like other things were more important than keeping their word to me. 

Since I am in the process of living after having cheated on Ox, I guess I really don’t have a right to be angry about someone not keeping their word. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite on top of a cheater. 

Maybe that’s me being self-deprecating. Either way, all of this is food for thought. I’m frustrated with my brother and I’ll work through it.


Random Ramblings: Prompt 7-31
Think about the biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

My number one role was that of partner/companion. I don’t have a vision. At least I don’t think I do. All of that shattered in the aftermath of my honesty. I haven’t figured out a new future or what I would want from it. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure in this particular area of my life. 

But what the heck… I have time to type… let’s pretend for a little bit that in the future my life isn’t on fire, that I am not having to navigate through broken trust, and that I have a secure feeling of self-worth. 

What would I want in a future like that for/with my partners and companions? What would it look like if I were able to be fully myself without taking into account the wants and needs of others? 

My fantasy future dynamics. How would those look?

I would most likely still live alone, or at the very least have my own space. I like the security of separation. I like knowing there is a space, a place, where I can be alone, that can’t be taken away from me, endangered, or violated by others. 

Maybe an in-law suite off the main house… Something. Something away. Something separate. A “dragon den” instead of a man cave or she-shed. 

I would like to be with Ox as a life partner. I would like Bunny to be there, too. In the future I see, they are closer together. It’s not that there is a primary and secondary position. It’s that I want and need more solitude. I want to be alone, in my own space. 

In my future Bunny and Ox would be living together, so naturally, they would gravitate closer to each other. 

I don’t feel threatened by that. I feel like that would allow both of them to feel fulfilled in ways that I don’t think I can provide. I can’t and don’t want to always be there. They both need or at least make it seem like they want consistency in their companionship. If they had each other to turn to maybe it would be ok for me to be introverted the way I want. 

In Fantasy Future Land, I would be allowed to be polyamorous. If I went to visit Warren or Sir or Blacksmith. If I happened to cross paths with someone in my future and it felt right… I would be able to express and experience that connection fully without anyone feeling hurt. People would understand that having an experience with someone else in no way lessens or threatens the connection I have with them. 

There wouldn’t be shame or guilt associated with feeling or expressing love for the people I truly do love. I would be allowed to be whole in my sexuality. 

I would feel whole, accepted, and strong. I would feel secure in that I could be myself and still be loved. I would feel like I truly belonged with the people in my life because that love wouldn’t be centered around conditions placed out of fear and insecurity. 

A future like that feels warm, quiet, and peaceful. There’s no drama or strife or unworthiness in that future. There is understanding and acceptance. There’s space rather than confines and too-small spaces. 

In that future, I have acceptance, and maybe that’s what I want more than love. Maybe acceptance is love. Maybe belonging is love. 

I don’t know if that explains the “why” part of the prompt. I think it does. I want these things because I want to be myself and for that to be ok. I want to be myself and to be accepted. That’s my fantasy future. 

It feels out of reach. It feels unrealistic. It feels dumb and selfish. And all of that makes me want to cry. I’ll never be able to be myself is what it feels like. 

I’ll always fall short because I want too much space; too much alone time. I’ll always cause hurt to the people I am in relationships with because I will love others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or not. I can forgo expressing that love physically, and I have, for years, in multiple relationships. But I’m always left feeling like if I were honest and true to myself then I would be unworthy. The flip side is if I am true to myself then I make the people I care about most feel unworthy and hurt. 

It’s a fucking disaster and my restorative strength isn’t enough to figure it out. At least not yet. 

That’s the rose-tinted glasses of a future I would want though. I would want to be me and for that to be ok. 

MUSING MOMENTS 133: LFTIO – Building Relationships

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 10
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”


Take some time to reflect on the following questions to help develop and build relationships:

Under what conditions do you shut down communication?
I tend to shut down with confronted with negativity. I like getting feedback, but if it’s not constructive I tend to become defensive or closed off. “You did a shitty job,” doesn’t tell me how to do something better. It just leaves me feeling bad. I do my best. I’m sorry if my best wasn’t good enough, but if you’re not going to tell me how to become better, just how I didn’t meet your expectations then fuck you. I didn’t see you doing anything other than standing on the sidelines. Maybe if you helped next time or you gave me an idea of what to do differently I would care about your opinion.

I also shut down when I feel a lack of empathy. If you’re going to act like my emotions, my perspective, and my situations don’t matter then I’m not going to care about your opinion or what you have to say. It’s a two-way street. If you’re not going to care, then neither am I.

Lack of honesty, or authenticity as this book calls it, is probably the number one trigger for me torching bridges without a second thought. If I can’t trust you to be real with me, if I have even the smallest hint of “snake in the grass” in regards to your character then I can guarantee you, while I may hear your words and log your comments away, they’re always going to remain at the bottom of my “care” list.

What beliefs are causing you to shut down under those conditions?
There’s usually the belief that there are ulterior motives to their comments or actions, which tend to be proven true given time.

There’s my belief that criticism is different from critique. Negative comments without avenues for change or recognizing any of the positive or “right” things in a situation leaves people feeling demotivated and that the effort they did put in didn’t matter.

How can you be more open in future situations?
I don’t think I have a problem being open. I feel I could be better about expressing my feelings during the situation. “I know you’re trying to help me be better, but right now I’m only receiving negative feedback and that doesn’t feel very good. How could I have handled this better or what things, if any, did I do right?”

In regards to the ulterior motives, I could try to find time to be self-reflective and to identify why I feel the way I do. Once I understand where my emotions are stemming from I could return to the person for a more in-depth conversation. “I know we were talking about this before, but I was left feeling a bit uncomfortable after we talked and this is why…”

Do you need to strengthen your “I” or your “We” to build even more authentic relationships?
I need to strengthen my “I” without a doubt. There have been several times where I have not spoken up purely because “I’m not a nurse”. I could have helped situations go smoother. I could have helped my teams avoid problems. If I had been more direct on how to handle change over, if I had stepped up and made leadership decisions, regardless of what my title is or was, I could have helped everyone involved.

My voice matters. I shouldn’t be afraid to voice strategies or suggestions. I have experience and perspective which are of value only if I allow myself to share them with others. Speaking up isn’t disrespectful or overstepping boundaries and that’s something I know I need to work on. It might be scary to have everyone looking at you and listening to what you say, but overcoming that moment of fear can lead to the whole team growing or to the clinic running smoother and more efficiently.

How can you more effectively build your relationship bridges?
I can continue to build strong, lasting relationships by not being afraid to speak up; to share my stories and experiences and at times being direct especially as I move into a preceptor role.

How can you bring your team trust and team effectiveness to a new level?
By continuing to be honest and conducting myself with integrity. If I am a person my teammates can trust, then as stressful and trying situations arise they will not distrust or resent my judgments and input.