partner

Evening Reflections 019: Fantasy Land

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Written yesterday.
Posted today.

Daily Summary: 

I made it to the gym again yesterday. I’m happy to report that I wasn’t as sore when I work up this morning. After my first class, I spent some time stretching but didn’t do a lot for my quads. For three days after my quads reminded me of how I neglected them by being ridiculously sore. After class yesterday, I spent time stretching again but made sure to spend some time on my quads specifically. I think that is the biggest factor to being mostly alright today.

Since it was a dreary overcast day, I didn’t have a lot of faith in my motivation to get to the gym. Luckily, I had the discipline and inner guilt to get me at least out to my car. Everything after that was easy. I enjoyed the class and feel I did better than my first one. Hopefully, it’s all progress from here. 

Ox came over after work and we spent the day at the rental. A handful of my teammates and I installed Pokemon Go on our phones so we traded information and such. Other than that, it was a quiet day at work. I listened more to Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I did chores during my breaks. Since I was washing the bedding, we had to hang around a little bit after I clocked out of work so I could switch the final comforter to the dryer. Once that task was completed we packed up the kittens and came to the house.

We had discussed plans for the weekend. The goal was/is to spend the weekend here at the house working on the addition. Sunday night we’ll head back to the rental.

I slept deeply last night. I mildly remember having a dream. I remember there were dead bodies in it. I don’t remember the context. I do know I woke up feeling not ok. Grouchy. Irritable. Emotionally raw…

It was a rough start, but Ox and I got through it. We went to Goodwill to get myself some “work pants”. All I have are shorts or thin yoga pants and he didn’t want me doing construction-type work in “improper” clothing. 

I get it… also not going to drop a bunch of money on pants I’m to trash. I found a pair of decent pants for $7 and called it good. We spend most of the morning organizing and cleaning up the second floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked on the addition and various other projects have been completed in the space. 

We got the area back to a workable condition and even made progress on the rafters for the ductwork. We’re calling it a day for now with the agreement that we finish the rafters tomorrow. That’s our goal for the weekend. Since we won’t have to make impromptu trips into town for clothing tomorrow, we should be able to get it completed. 

I’m looking forward to it. It feels good to be working on something. Even better to be seeing progress for the effort. 

The cats are doing well. They settled in quicker than they did last weekend. 

I did have a message from my brother last night. That was frustrating since it regarded finances. I’m trying not to let him bother me. There are tentative plans for me to see him tomorrow. As petty as it might be, I wouldn’t be heartbroken not to see him for a while. I’m tired of hearing how he’s bought tons of new things for this garden only for him to turn around and say he can’t afford to pay me the amount he agreed to for taking over the lease for him and his partner. 

I’m tired of him telling me how he feels unloved and unsupported while he continually fucks with my financial stability. 

So yeah, I have some feelings to work through and I would rather do it in solitude rather than trying to make him feel better about making shitting choices because I’m not a priority in his life. At the very least, the agreements he has made with me are not a priority. I’m angry over it. Anger is hurt directed outward. I am again having to figure out how to make up for the financial shortcomings of someone else because they felt like other things were more important than keeping their word to me. 

Since I am in the process of living after having cheated on Ox, I guess I really don’t have a right to be angry about someone not keeping their word. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite on top of a cheater. 

Maybe that’s me being self-deprecating. Either way, all of this is food for thought. I’m frustrated with my brother and I’ll work through it.


Random Ramblings: Prompt 7-31
Think about the biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

My number one role was that of partner/companion. I don’t have a vision. At least I don’t think I do. All of that shattered in the aftermath of my honesty. I haven’t figured out a new future or what I would want from it. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure in this particular area of my life. 

But what the heck… I have time to type… let’s pretend for a little bit that in the future my life isn’t on fire, that I am not having to navigate through broken trust, and that I have a secure feeling of self-worth. 

What would I want in a future like that for/with my partners and companions? What would it look like if I were able to be fully myself without taking into account the wants and needs of others? 

My fantasy future dynamics. How would those look?

I would most likely still live alone, or at the very least have my own space. I like the security of separation. I like knowing there is a space, a place, where I can be alone, that can’t be taken away from me, endangered, or violated by others. 

Maybe an in-law suite off the main house… Something. Something away. Something separate. A “dragon den” instead of a man cave or she-shed. 

I would like to be with Ox as a life partner. I would like Bunny to be there, too. In the future I see, they are closer together. It’s not that there is a primary and secondary position. It’s that I want and need more solitude. I want to be alone, in my own space. 

In my future Bunny and Ox would be living together, so naturally, they would gravitate closer to each other. 

I don’t feel threatened by that. I feel like that would allow both of them to feel fulfilled in ways that I don’t think I can provide. I can’t and don’t want to always be there. They both need or at least make it seem like they want consistency in their companionship. If they had each other to turn to maybe it would be ok for me to be introverted the way I want. 

In Fantasy Future Land, I would be allowed to be polyamorous. If I went to visit Warren or Sir or Blacksmith. If I happened to cross paths with someone in my future and it felt right… I would be able to express and experience that connection fully without anyone feeling hurt. People would understand that having an experience with someone else in no way lessens or threatens the connection I have with them. 

There wouldn’t be shame or guilt associated with feeling or expressing love for the people I truly do love. I would be allowed to be whole in my sexuality. 

I would feel whole, accepted, and strong. I would feel secure in that I could be myself and still be loved. I would feel like I truly belonged with the people in my life because that love wouldn’t be centered around conditions placed out of fear and insecurity. 

A future like that feels warm, quiet, and peaceful. There’s no drama or strife or unworthiness in that future. There is understanding and acceptance. There’s space rather than confines and too-small spaces. 

In that future, I have acceptance, and maybe that’s what I want more than love. Maybe acceptance is love. Maybe belonging is love. 

I don’t know if that explains the “why” part of the prompt. I think it does. I want these things because I want to be myself and for that to be ok. I want to be myself and to be accepted. That’s my fantasy future. 

It feels out of reach. It feels unrealistic. It feels dumb and selfish. And all of that makes me want to cry. I’ll never be able to be myself is what it feels like. 

I’ll always fall short because I want too much space; too much alone time. I’ll always cause hurt to the people I am in relationships with because I will love others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or not. I can forgo expressing that love physically, and I have, for years, in multiple relationships. But I’m always left feeling like if I were honest and true to myself then I would be unworthy. The flip side is if I am true to myself then I make the people I care about most feel unworthy and hurt. 

It’s a fucking disaster and my restorative strength isn’t enough to figure it out. At least not yet. 

That’s the rose-tinted glasses of a future I would want though. I would want to be me and for that to be ok. 

Evening Reflections 018: My Roles

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday was alright. Made BLTs for lunch. Got some stuff done during work in regards to my mentorship. Gamed a bit. Had some good conversations with teammates. Not a whole lot happened. Spent most of the day chilling. Other than cooking, doing laundry was probably my biggest “life” accomplishment. 

I messaged back and forth with Sir a bit. It was good to hear from him. My Blacksmith and I have also been talking more. He had messaged me shortly after Ox’s email where he said he never wanted to see me again. My Blacksmith, Sir, and Warren were my biggest support structures during that period of time. All three of them helped me through the initial period of darkness and I am grateful for the conversations they were willing to have with me. 

So minor social time through text with Sir and Blacksmith.

Bunny called during my break and I got to video chat with her for a little bit. I know she wishes we could talk more. It’s hard to do while I’m at work and by the time I’m off it’s pretty late in the evening.  I’m hoping this weekend her and I can get more time to connect. I think it would be good for both of us. 

So that was my day yesterday. Not a whole lot. It was nice. No complaints. Here’s to another decent day.

Random Ramblings: Prompt 6-31
What are the three biggest roles that you play in your life, related to others? How do you feel about each one?

My three biggest roles would most likely be: Partner/companion, family member, and teammate. 

Partner/companion is in relation to the roles I fill in my closest and most important dynamics. I am a partner to Ox and Bunny. I am a companion to Sir, Warren, Blacksmith. I am ok with these roles for the most part. 

With my companion role, it is more about friendship. There is acceptance for who I am, fully. I don’t worry so much about expectations. There aren’t really obligations on either side. It’s a mutual support structure. I feel secure in my role, I understand and am ok with the boundaries. There’s an understanding that we each have our own lives and though our paths may not be in line for marriage or anything, we have worked through the yuck of breakups to maintain a unique friendship. 

The role of partner is… complicated. 

I still feel mildly undeserving. I still feel like in the future this transgression will be brought up and used as ammunition against me. I still worry even with all of the work Ox and I are putting into the dynamic, that my polyamory will never be fully accepted and I will have to spend the rest of my life either being untrue to myself, hurting myself in order to fit into a box small enough to be accepted, or fully be me and hurt those I care deeply about.

I worry being authentic will cause hurt. I worry that since Bunny and I haven’t had a lot of time together that there is resentment or hurt feelings between us that haven’t been addressed. 

I am much less secure in my role as partner. I worry about it. I worry about not being a good one. I worry that I shouldn’t be a partner anymore; that the recent addition to my relationship history makes me unfit for the role for the rest of forever. 

I worry that I really should just be the crazy cat lady and forgo relationships. 

That’s how I feel about that aspect of my life. I am working on it, but right now it is still tentative at best and something fragile. Vulnerable. Uncertain. 

Family member is a role I am ok with as well. I am a sister to my brothers and a daughter to my father. I will always be my mother’s daughter. The relationship with my younger brother is the only one that I have concerns over. He can be unkind at times. He can lash out specifically at me because I’m an easy target. I have learned to distance myself during those moments until his emotions have had their time and he and I can have legitimate discussion. 

This is the one family dynamic that has any sort of strife in it. I manage it the best I can and I understand the limitations of asking for/depending on his support. I am proud of the progress Jon and I have made since we were in high school. At the same time, my heart also aches over the viciousness we are still able to inflict upon each other. 

Overall I will say I am ok with my role as family member. I understand my place within that role for the various people I fill it for. I may wish some of those roles were different. I also understand I cannot change others. I can only change myself. 

The role of teammate is a role that I enjoy filling. I am supportive of my teammates at work. I engage with leadership and am proactive in my growth and development as an employee. Work has always come naturally to me. I understand “the game” and I’m good at playing it. I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do what I’m supposed to do when I’m supposed to do it. I show up on time. If I don’t understand something I ask. I would rather ask and look foolish than fuck something up trying to fake competence. 

Out of my top three roles, even though this one is listed last, it is the one I am most secure with. Part of me thinks that’s sort of sad. I have a more secure foundation with total strangers than I do with the people who are supposed to be closest to me. 

I know part of that is my own doing. At the same time, the issues that lead to my cheating were present for years. There are several deep-rooted issues on all sides. It’s going to take time to address those and heal the hurt from those in addition to the devastation of my actions. 

My #1 Clifton Strength is Restoration. I thrive on fixing things; especially things other people have given up on. 

I can see how to mend the relationships. I worry though. I worry it won’t work. I worry I’ll always have to be less than my full self. I worry I’ll always be misunderstood. 

I guess that’s the biggest thing undermining my sense of security in the “partner” area. I worry. I fear. And there’s really nothing anyone can do to change that. Those things are all inside my own head. They are my perspective, and so it falls to me to work through them.