While today has been a fairly lazy and lax day, yesterday was anything but.

It did not start with pancakes like originally imagined. Actually, to be honest, it started with irrational grouchiness. Zane didn’t come to sleep until late, which woke me up. I stayed up for a bit, using the time to write my last blog.

Eventually I was tired again, around 5am. I went back to sleep only to wake up in the middle of a REM cycle because Zane had to call out of work. That meant he had to rummage around to find his notebook where he had written down his supervisor’s number, then flip through all of the pages until he found said number so he could text her after he had gone through all of the other call out procedures. Rummaging is a very noisy process. I could feel the frustration building inside of my skull like hot pressure.

When Zane came back to bed he wanted us to cuddle close and fall back asleep together. Trying to cuddle things that want to kill you usually isn’t good for self-preservation. I couldn’t fall back to sleep, again, and I didn’t want to be held while I was so volatile. I wanted to be left alone.

It didn’t help I was still having anxiety over the thought of date night later in the day.

There was a spat but we worked through it. We agreed that we would go back to sleep, and that the day hadn’t really started yet, so it wasn’t ruined. When we woke up again we would start fresh and have an awesome day.

And the day was pretty awesome once it got started for real.

Instead of pancakes we had burger royals. There was egg and bacon involved, so it counted as breakfast. We spent some time together before Zane and I drove to school so I could get the bike. I went to the gym where I ran around the track, minute intervals again, but that was it. I didn’t have time to do any lifting. We had the appointment at Verizon for the new phones at noon and it was already 11:10 by the time I was leaving the gym. I still had to get home and hopefully shower.

I biked home, rested for a few minutes while I drank a bottle of water, showered, then we were out the door, already running a little behind schedule.

The phone experience was great. The first thing Paul asked was if we wanted to try getting approved for the monthly payment plan again. I asked if there was any negative consequences for trying, to which the answer was no. So what the heck? Why not?

I’m so glad we did because for whatever reason Zane and I were approved this time. That meant we didn’t have to spend $400 up front on our phones. We’re able to roll the cost of the phones into our monthly bill over the course of two years. Huzzah!

We got all of that set up, which took a while, but was very worth it. Zane traded in his phone, but since it had the cracked screen he only got $20 for it. My phone is in much better condition. We will be mailing it in to receive credit towards our monthly bill, which we were told should be around $200. That’s about a month and a half worth of phone bill. Very cool. I got a case to go with my new iPhone 6. It’s a light lavender and white case. I love it. And my phone is the black one, which they didn’t have at the store last weekend.

Since Zane and I do not use our phones all that much we went with 1gig of data for this month. We’ll see how much we use, but I’m pretty sure it will be enough. I’m going to get into the habit of making workout playlists for the week and having them available in offline mode for Spotify, that way I’m not streaming or having to worry about the songs buffering while I’m working out, which is beyond frustrating.

With the phones taken care of we decided to go out for lunch at my sports bar. We haven’t been there for lunch in a while, which means we haven’t seen our server in what feels like ages. Lunch was fantastic. We discussed the rest of the day and potential holiday plans. We also talked about our plans for dinner and why I was still anxious over going to the sushi place. There was a lot of honest communication about both of our perspectives, and I felt way better about the evening plans that I had since our conversation on Wednesday.

After eating we went back to the apartment. I spent some time setting my phone up since I had a backup on my computer. Eventually I headed out again to do my errands, new phone in tow. We were still in the “I don’t know how I feel about you,” phase.

I started at the bank. I had to get money for Zane for my half of the PS4 he got last week. We decided since I was getting flea meds for the cats to take that out of the money I owed him, as well as his portion of the car insurance payment.

I guess I should mention that I paid bills earlier in the morning, you know, since I’m mostly responsible or something lame like that.

Anyway, started at the bank for Zane’s money and a money order for Trevor to cover my share of rent. Hopped across the street to the vet for flea meds, then went to the storage unit to put some books up.

For some reason the card swipe wasn’t reading my card. It kept saying that the area was closed and not deactivating the alarm on my unit. For a moment I thought about just leaving. It’s not like it was a big deal. I could drop the books off a different day. But I didn’t leave.

Instead I walked up to the storefront and asked one of the guys if the hours for the storage unit were different for some reason because normally the units are open until 8pm on Friday.

They poked around for a bit, but couldn’t figure out why the system wasn’t giving me access. I had just paid my bill that morning, too. There was nothing amiss that they could find.

They manually deactivated my alarm and said to stop by the front once I was done with the unit so they could reactivate my alarm. Score. Go go communication and not being a chicken shit.

I walked back, got the books and headed inside to the unit. While I was passing the re-use section I noticed two black TV trays. They seemed to be in good condition. I went ahead and snagged them. We don’t need them for anything, but they’re good collapsible tables that I could put my cross stitching stuff on while I’m stitching in the living room, or in my own room once February rolls around and I get to kick Zane out into the master bedroom leaving me with my very own dragon den once again, muahahahahaha…. I mean… yeah… Totally not looking forward to that or anything… >.>;

In all seriousness I really don’t need the trays. But they were free, and I have the space for them in the unit, so I stashed them in there, and if when February rolls around and no one wants them I can put them back in the re-use area and someone else can snag them.

So that was sort of cool. Free loot is always nice.

Once I was done with the unit I told the guys in the front of the store I was heading out. They turned the alarm back on, and that was that. I stopped by Fedex next, driving through rush hour traffic to get there. That was sort of a bust though. There was a person in front of me who was having some serious issues, so it was going to take a while for me to mail my latest cross stitch gift. I asked how long they would be open, which is 11pm, and figured I could keep doing stuff on my to-do list and stop back by later. Or maybe I would run across a different Fedex and get it taken care of elsewhere. Either was a valid option in my mind.

So that left me with going to the sports store to find a new armband for my phone. Since then new phone is so much larger than the iPhone 4, there’s no way my old armband will work. I stopped at Dick’s Sporting Goods first. They had a surprisingly lame selection for armbands, and none of their armbands would fit my phone while it was in its case.

Sorry for being a lazy human, but I’m not going to take my phone out of its case every time I need to use my armband, because that would be way more hassle than what it’s worth.

I looked around at their clearance stuff again, but didn’t find anything I liked. I did see some Lucy workout tops that are amazing. That’s the brand that my purple one is (the one I love). The down side… they’re hella expensive. Like $40 for one top. Plus your first born child.

They’re so worth I, though. The material is exacty what I like. They have a built in sport bra that actually has enough strapdown power to work, unlike most of the ones I find. And the color selection was pretty awesome. Dark red, a dark purple, and black. Ok, so maybe to normal people that isn’t an awesome color selection. But I loved all of them and stood in front of the display for a while after trying one of the tops on, debating and weighting the pros and cons to getting one or two new tops.

I left the store without buying anything, no tops, no clearance, and no armband which was the whole point of the trip. Instead I went over to Sports Authority, which is literally right across the street. Talk about keeping your enemies close. At least I didn’t have to travel far when the first store let me down.

The Sports Authority that I went to was the store where I got my compression sleeves for my shines and my old armband. Jeez. Realizing that I bought those over a year ago, while I was living with Clavan, really puts things into perspective. Because I had success at the store in the past I was hoping to find something I liked. I didn’t see anything at first. Just more of the same slip-in bands that I really didn’t like, but then I saw what looked like something sort of nifty. Curious, I picked up the box.

It was an armband rather than the sleeve that I currently have. What’s cool is that it’s a magnet. You put a super sticky magnet on the back of your phone / phone case and it hooks into an attachment on the armband. Basically you clip your phone on and go about whatever it is you’re doing. When you want to detach your phone you turn it 90 degrees to the left and it pops right off. No muss no fuss. No need to take the phone out of its case. And what’s cooler? There’s a bike attachment so you can clip the phone onto your bike. Or you can get a mount for the car and use it as gps. There’s a belt clip too, which seems pretty nifty.

I only got the armband, but I’m seriously thinking about the bike mount eventually. The associate was super friendly about it. I asked her if it came with the phone mount or if it was just the arm band because there were mounts being sold in separate boxes. I thought it would be pretty lame if that’s how the device was sold, but I didn’t want to get home and realize I only had half of the equation.

She opened the box for me and we both checked it out. The phone magnet was in there. Huzzah. She even let me test out the armband since I was worried that it wouldn’t feel comfortable or fit properly. It came with three different armband sizes. I threaded the one I wanted through the main piece and secured it around my arm, flexing and moving about to get a feel for what it would be like.

It’s a bit thicker and heavier than the sleeve I’m used to, but I like it. I think it will work pretty well. I was all set to check out when the associated asked ifI stillw anted to look around the store. I hadn’t thought about it honestly, but then I figured why not? I hadn’t seen their selection of clearance stuff. I might find something for cheap.

And this is where I’m going to go on a tangent and ramble for another four pages before getting on with typing out the rest of my day because this is where I have some hashing out to do. And of course it’s about finances because why would I worry about anything else in my life?

Zane had mentioned earlier in the morning how he didn’t want to offend me, or say something that could hurt my feelings, but that he really likes the changes he’s seeing in me. I like the changes, too. I like how I feel. I like how I can tell that I’m losing weight and gaining muscle. I like how I feel stronger when I’m walking, or even just sitting. I like how my clothes fit me differently. And I like how I’m doing all of this without the help of weight loss pills for gimmicky shakes and bars. I’m doing this the old fashion way because that’s how I got to the point I’m currently at. I want to change through sweat, maybe some tears, and preferably no blood.

There are a few things that detract from the feeling of awesomeness though. I don’t like is that two of my workout tops I’ve had since I was in college, so over four years now? And I only have two tank tops that I like wearing over my workout tops that I use to bike to school, and those I’ve had for a while, too. The blue one has sweat stains because I’ve worn it so often. One of my workout tops (we’ll refer to them as undertops) is more of a yoga top, so I can’t run in it. There isn’t enough compression to handle something with that much impact. I’ve been using it on the days that I only bike, but those days don’t happen very often any more, so I feel like I only have two undertops.

It’s weird feeling better, dare I say even attractive, and having grungy stuff that doesn’t make me feel all that awesome. Or stuff that I skip over wearing because I don’t think it will get the job done. In addition to that, the undertops are ones that I had when I lived with Warren #2. I remember the pink one (yes it’s pink… don’t judge me, it was on clearance when I bought it, it’s also the yoga top I’m not all that fond of) was the one I was wearing when I came back from a biking workout one night and he was mad at me because I hadn’t been home when he got home. It literally was an instance where he was mad because dinner wasn’t on the table.

There are memories attached to all of my things, good and bad, including the undertops. It would be really nice to move on and let them go. It would be really cool to have things that gave me positive motivation and a feeling of newness and a clean start.

I have the skirts and tops that I got from the Salvation Army, it just sucks because I really don’t get much of a chance to wear them now that I’m biking to school. I honestly don’t feel bad about having bought them because I only spent $20 for the three outfits I got and I still do wear them when I go out with Zane on date nights, or when I’m able to drive to school and feel like dressing a bit nicer.

With all of that in the forefront of my mind, how nice it would be to find fresh clean workout stuff to go with all of the other new things I have been getting, I went back and poked around at the clearance racks. There were several tank tops (overtops) that I liked. And they weren’t just black. They had blues, and greens, even a purplish red one. I didn’t see any shorts I liked, which I was ok with because I have the ones from one of my other shopping adventures that I’ve gone on this past month.

I tried the tops on. There were two styles, three tops in each style, for a total of six tops. I liked them. I liked knowing that they fit better then they would have just a month ago. I liked how they are colorful and new. I like the material they’re made out of because it’s moisture wicking and soft and stretchy. I like how they were marked half price because they were clearance.

I stood in the dressing room, looking at the six tops, wondering if this was impulse shopping and wrong. I knew the longer I stood there the more I would become conflicted. So… I got them, and the armband. And when I got home after having dinner with Zane I went online and got four of the Lucy workout tops like the one I tried on at Dick’s Sporting Goods. All four are black so they will match whatever overtop I wear, no matter what. And it won’t show sweat as much, hopefully.

That’s a lot of money. And I guess this is where I need to write everything out so I can figure out what it is I feel because right now there is tightness in my chest. Like I’m waiting for someone to berate me for my actions, because I feel I deserve to be berated I guess.

I bought new biking shorts, new workout shoes, a new bike helmet, a new headlight for the bike, the bandanas, and now a new phone, new armband, along with new over and under tops.

Lets not forget my half of the PS4. Oh, while I’m at it, lets add in the registration fee for the Warrior Dash as well as the cost for my Maya Certification test.

That’s a lot of indulging. That a lot of stuff that I didn’t legitimately need, except maybe the headlight.

This is where if I were listening to someone else explain their situation, I would be supportive. I would remind them of all of the things they had gone through, how often they decided not to buy something in the past. How often they actually are financially responsible and diligent, and how all of their financial obligations are still being covered even with the extra spending.

I would tell them they are investing in themselves and that while it might seem like a lot of money, if they have the money to spend, and they’re spending it on being a better them, then it’s money well spent. It’s money that’s going towards another goal that they’re passionate about. It’s something that will lead to feelings of fulfillment and accomplishment, better health, emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. It’s going towards something they legitimately want to do and can have pride in. How is any of that a bad thing?

But what about being responsible and paying off debt? Shouldn’t debt come first before fun, before myself?

As long as you are meeting your payments then I don’t see anything wrong with it. If you can fulfill all of your obligations you should be allowed to get the things you want without feeling guilty for it.

And this is the main issue I have. Because I’m not someone else sitting on the sother side of the table explaining my situation over lunch, I have to feel guilty. I’m me. I’m Jupiter and Saturn mixed together. I’m a Sagittarius Capricorn cusp who happens to be an INFJ HSP. I couldn’t get more conflicted if I tried.

I see both sides. I can see how this was irresponsible and how I could have made due with the things I had. I can remember how I complained and whined and cried and raged over having to buy Zane ice cream two months ago. Or how my body would tense whenever I would think about having to purchase something that wasn’t on the shopping list. How going out to eat was a point of contention because I would be the only person paying and how it felt like I was bleeding out money only to have date night ruined by fighting.

And yet here I am buying a techy arm gadget and dropping over $200 on workout stuff… again…

Um… I’m pretty sure that’s hypocrisy. Just tossing that out there for you to maul over and feel bad about because you don’t deserve to feel good about all of the nifty things you just bought because you didn’t really need to buy them. The helmet Frank gave you might not have been super sporty, or an actual bike helmet, but it was a helmet and it would have worked fine for the rest of forever. You didn’t need to drop $60 on a new one. That’s six trips worth of ice cream, gone, on one item. And you can’t even justify that it was a need, because it wasn’t. It was purely an esthetic want that you indulged in.

I’m conflicted over this. I do feel like it’s an investment. I feel like I’m serious about my race. I think of the days where I only bike 7 miles as my “off” days. I look at my RunKeeper and if my miles are under 30 I feel like I’m slacking off. I beat Zane at arm wrestling last night, which I couldn’t do before. I’m starting to think about going into the Army again, once my second degree is done.

I feel like I’m worth investing in, especially if I’m going to get my money’s worth out of it. Having roughly a week’s work of tops means I won’t have to worry about having laundry done every three days so I have clean stuff to bike in. And I don’t want to half ass it. If I’m going to spend money I want quality stuff that won’t crap out on me. I know and trust the Lucy tops. I’ve had one for over a year and it’s been amazing. It’s my favorite top out of the ones I have. I know that even though they’re expensive, they’re worth the money.

I want to feel confident in my decision, rather than like I have to justify why I did it. I want to not feel like I’m going to be yelled at, or told that I’m selfish, and irresponsible, and impulsive. I want to feel like I didn’t do a bad thing. And there’s a part of me who is confident and secure in my choices and who feels my reasons are legit and that it doesn’t matter what other people think.

But there is another part of me who is insecure and nervous, and worried, and guilty feeling. I don’t deserve new things. I don’t deserve pretty and shiny and new, and I definitely do not deserve the amount that has been spent on me recently.

I don’t regret my choice. I just wish that the thought of explaining my choice to someone didn’t make part of me cringe like a beaten dog.

I don’t think there’s anything I can really do at the moment other than wait. The bandanas aren’t here yet. I had to wait 24 hours for the adhesive on the phone case to set, so I couldn’t go running today, not that I would have since I ran yesterday, but lifting could have happened. The Lucy tops won’t be here until the end of the week-ish. Maybe next week due to the holidays.

I can’t prove that it was an investment because I’m just sitting here doing nothing other than typing on my computer. Yep… totally getting a work out in as I scroll through the Internet…

How do you know when you’re being too harsh with yourself? On the flip side, how do you know when you’re being too lax? How do you know if something is a good choice or not. The right choice?

And I guess that helps me a little bit. There isn’t really good or bad. There are simply choices, and I have made the ones I felt lined up with what I want and what my priorities are.

I am serious about my race. I am serious about becoming a better me. And I don’t want something silly like feelings of denial and unworthiness to detract from my motivation.

I keep telling myself “later”. It’s almost like it’s been my mantra. I can have those things later. I can get my tattoos later. I can have new clothes later, after I’ve made “serious” progress. I can have my rewards later. Always later.

Well. It’s later, damnit. And my rewards are pushing me forward to another goal. Another accomplishment I have wanted for years. Another thing I will be able to hold my head slightly higher, stand slightly straighter as I say I achieved it. Scratched it off my bucket list. My first 5k mud obstacle of awesomeness.

We’ll see how long this pep talk lasts. I give it five minutes. XD

And since I’m still rambling… there’s a sensitive, girly, frail part of me that is pleased that Zane mentioned the changes. That he’s noticed. That he likes it. I was never doing this for him. But there are warm feelings with knowing that it pleases him. It does add motivation to my already pretty set determination. And that’s another thing I’m not sure how I feel about. But that’s something to ramble through another time. The main thing is that I acknowledge having those feelings and that they need to be processed at some point.

So yeah, I got pretty much a new wardrobe yesterday. I’m still conflicted over my choices, but less conflicted than I was. I want other people to approve of my choice. I want someone else, someone on the outside, to validate my actions, when really I should only look to myself for acceptance. It’s my money, my choices, my goals, and, ultimately, my consequences. I shouldn’t be concerned about what other people think. I should be concerned with what I think.

Do I like the things I bought?

Yes.

Ok. We’re done here.

Moving on.

If only it were that easy to drop the conflictedness inside myself. XD

I actually didn’t get around to having my hair bleached yesterday. I never made it back to Fedex either. I spent way more time on the armband / shopping adventure than I had originally intended so by the time I was checking out at the store I already had a message from Zane saying he was hungry and a little worried about me. I had been gone for close to four hours.

I had sent him a message earlier, just something cute saying I was messaging him on my spiffy new phone (which I love by the way). But he never replied to it. That’s most likely because I messaged his old number and not his new one… my bad random stranger for messaging your phone…

So there was a bit of miscommunication due to both of our phones still being in the process of being set up. I still need to set up my new voice mail. I’m sure we’ll right into other slight hiccups that we’ll smooth over, but nothing major has happened so far, and nothing happened to tarnish our night. I said I was on my way home and that as soon as I got there we could head out for dinner, which is what we did.

Hannah was our server, and it was actually a pretty enjoyable experience. The three of us chatted as she had time to. Since she was still at work she had other tables to take care of, but she was extremely kind, and as I said, the experience was a positive one.

At the end of dinner I asked Hannah if it would be ok to send her a friend request on Facebook, which she seemed completely fine with. Zane arrange to meet with her Sunday afternoon to get situated for taking care of her cat while she is out of town for the holidays, and that was that.

We came home where we found out one of John’s cats had gotten into our room and marked our comforter… again… Another thing I’m looking forward to with February. Not having territory BS with cats and our room being the battlefield.

Zane was upset when we found out about the blanket, and understandably so, since his blanket was the only thing marked. He directed that frustration towards me since I was the one who had left the door open. That sort of stung, but we ended up being ok and the night still ended well.

I went to sleep before Zane did, waking up when he came to bed, which meant I got to go out to the living room and play on the PS4 for a bit. There is a game called Entwined that I have played through once before, on the PS3 when RB had bought the game for me.

I loved that game. And still do. Zane and I bought it in the morning before going to get the bike and I played through a handful of the levels so he could see what the game was like. He said it looked cool but that he most likely wouldn’t play it. He thinks he would do badly at it since it’s more of a reflex game, but he said he had a great appreciation for the art style and that he was happy I enjoyed it so much.

I played through a bit of the challenge mode after I woke up, getting up to roughly 120 something. I need 180 to unlock the next challenge level. I was never able to get that high when I played the game with RB. I’m not sure what the chances of getting that high now are. I’m ok with playing through the story mode, though. Only three more levels to go before I beat the game.

So that was my Friday. Lots of stuff. Lots of internal things I still need to straighten out with myself, but overall I’m happy with it.