goals

Musing Moment 0074: Days 28 – 30

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Day 28 – List Management

I’m guilty of not following this day. In Chalene’s system the to-do list is supposed to be thought of as scared ground, much like the calendar is with my system. The only things that are added to the calendar and things that have to happen on specific dates at specific times. Doctor’s appointments, work meetings, my lab schedules, due dates for assignments.

Things that if I miss them there will be consequences and bad juju.

The to-do list in Chalene’s system is supposed to be similar to the calendar in that you only add things to your to-do list that MUST be done that very day or else fire and brimstone will rain down upon your world.

My to-do list doesn’t really follow that rule. I use my to-do list as a generalized map of my day. My battle plan as I call it.

Wake up (seriously sometimes that’s on my list), make breakfast, take vitamin, bike to gym, workout, shower… You get the idea. Main events that take any significant amount of time, or things I need to remember to do, or would like to do for that day are what get penciled in on my lists, along with reminders and ad hoc things as they come up. And my lists are always, always, in pencil.

Things change and I want to be able to erase and rewrite if I need to. I’m also not scared of flipping to a new page and starting my list over from scratch if I feel things have changed too much. Old battle plan won’t work? Fine. I’ll make a new one. Screw that old one anyway. It wasn’t that awesome.

Sometimes though I get to the end of my day and there’s tons of stuff left over. Those days suck, and Chalene’s method makes it so you don’t have crummy feelings on those days because you don’t have a billion things on your list. You only have the things that you had to get done, so at the end you have a completed list, always.

The things that I didn’t get to on my list seriously didn’t need to get done specifically on that day. It just would have been really nice if I had gotten around to it. I shouldn’t feel bad about not getting to them, and to be honest I’ve gotten a lot better about it. But sometimes I still find myself feeling like I got nothing accomplished because my battle plan hardly has a scratch on it.

That being said, I’m not going to change my system. I make it work for me, which is the main thing. Chalene mentions a lot of really awesome tips, and I know for some people this is another really good one. Not so much for me, and that’s ok.

Day 29 – Fluff

Day 29 piggybacks on day 28 a little bit by focusing on our to-do list making skills. Chalene reminds us to make sure the things we are adding to our list aren’t “fluff” tasks.

If we want to be lean, mean, task destroying machines we need to make sure the tasks we’re actually completing are meaningful and worthwhile tasks. No checking Facebook or something else we might convince ourselves that needs to get done, but really doesn’t and is only eating away at our time.

She also reminds us today that the only difference between a dream and a goal is hard work. If you ever find yourself asking HOW am I supposed to do this? How is this going to get done? Then you’re already on the right track.

How would you get it done? What steps would you need to take to get to the end goal? What things need to happen? What tasks could be added to your list that would make this impossible task actually something that is manageable. Do-able. Actionable.

Asking how is the first step. Brainstorming it out is the second. Then all that’s left is to actually do the tasks. Poof! Dream to reality, along with a million pot holes and concrete walls we have to bash our heads against. : )

Day 30 – Success!

The last day of the challenge. Huzzah. I made it through it again. I’ll most likely start it up again tomorrow just because it helps me stay on track. XD

If I do I doubt I’ll be making Musing Moment posts for it. I may make small mentions in my daily writing, but over all I think I’ve written enough about the challenge to not write about it for a while.

I feel like I’m on the right track with things, so really starting the challenge over again would just be a way to make sure I stay on top of my goals rather than falling off the wagon again.

One of the things that bothers me about Chalene’s final post is how she mentions surrounding yourself with the “right” people, reading the “right” books, or listening to the “right” audio programs.

That kind of diction makes it seem like there is “wrong” stuff and that you can mess up and fail and downward spiral of doom followed closely by anxiety and panic.

While it’s true there are more helpful and useful things out there when compared to other, less awesome stuff, I don’t think things should be looked at as right and wrong. I think it should be looked at as, “Is it supportive?”

Does that person support you and your goals? Do they encourage you and build you up? Does that book provide some sort of fulfillment for you, even if it is simply pleasure for the sake of reading?

There’s not right or wrong. Do what you want to do. Just make sure that it lines up with what you want otherwise it won’t feel fulfilling, at least not in the long run. This challenge is all about figuring out life and priorities and goals and taking the steps to get to where we want to be. As long as we’re moving forward on the things that really matter to us we’re not doing anything “wrong”.

Keep being a badass.

pawn

Musing Moment 0073: Days 24 – 27

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It has been a while since I did anything with my challenge writing. Guess it’s time to get caught back up.

Day 24 – Time Management

One of my biggest time sinks was Facebook, which is why I was trying to delete the stupid thing. I would waste time scroll through looking at pointless comments from people that I didn’t really consider my friends. I had so many other things I could be doing, but for some reason I was always sucked into sitting there.

It would start out as needing to respond to a message, or reply to a post from a work buddy. Something legit. But all too fast it would dissolve into thirty minutes of wasted time. And most of the time I never got around to doing what I had actually logged into Facebook to do.

I was sick of it. Of all of the social media noise that I had going on in my life. I’ve removed over half of the “friends” that I had. That has reduced the noise considerably on my Facebook feed. I have also gotten rid of several other social media accounts, which has also helped to de-clutter my life.

I’m sure it could be better, but I also feel like I have gained much more of my time back. I like where I’m at currently, so for now I will label this as a success and keep on keeping on.

Day 25 – Celebrating My Success

Day 25 in the challenge has us look back and realize everything we have accomplished and figured out in our lives. Chalene wants us to write about our biggest, proudest moment, and then promise ourselves that we will celebrate it.

Well, my proudest moment was towards the beginning when I actually sat down and figured out things that I wanted to start accomplishing with my life again. My biggest moment was not letting depression win.

I’ve already celebrated this triumph this past weekend. I went out and got my new running shoes and a spiffy awesome new biking helmet. It was more money that I thought it would be, so I haven’t gotten the bandanas I wanted, but it was totally worth the extra spending and I absolutely love the new gear that I rewarded myself with.

I’ve wanted the new shoes for so long now, and the helmet, while it wasn’t a “need” gives me warm fuzzy feelings every time I put it on. I’m not going to feel guilty. I’m allowed to have things that make me better and help push me further. I’m worth investing in. My accomplishments are worth celebrating. Guilt free.

Day 26 – Affirmation

Day 26 we take a look at our priorities, goals, and values again and reaffirm to ourselves why we are making changes in our lives.

I’m doing this for my emotional health. I’m doing this because I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be a priority to myself. I am doing this because I’m worth it.

I AM a priority and I will keep working towards the goals that I want, not what other people say I should want.

Day 27 – Fixation

Sometimes we’re our own roadblocks. Sometimes we fixate on a negative thing, a negative outcome, and so we stop moving forward. We can’t move past this “thing” inside our brain, this fixation we have.

What is my fixation?

At the moment I do not think I have one. I’m focusing on my Warrior Dash. I’ve never done this before and so all I feel is the awesome forward movement of kicking it up a notch at the gym. I’m feeling good from biking everyday to work. I just did my first workout on the machines, lifting weights, in I don’t know how long. It’s a good burn, lots of endorphins.

I’m not scared. At least not yet.

I think as the date of the race gets closer I will begin to worry about not being ready enough. Not being good enough. And when that time comes I will have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter.

It honestly, truly doesn’t.

I’m not going this to be the best. I’m not doing this to finish the race and complete every obstacle. I’m doing this to prove that I can. That even if I don’t run the whole thing, or make it over every obstacle, that I have come so far. So incredibly far, and that I should be proud of simply having the balls to participate.

I shouldn’t worry about the outcome or the destination. I should simply enjoy the process, the journey, because that’s what it’s really about.

Musing Moment 0072: Days 21 – 23

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Day 21 – Review

Nothing super specially about today. It’s pretty much just a chance to go back and rewatch a section that you found especially helpful, or maybe confusing. You know, sort of reinforce all of the information that’s been thrown at us over the past 20 days. : )

Day 22 – Help Isn’t Bad

Chanele uses today to try to help cure us of our phobia when it comes to asking for help. I know I’m still guilty of it. I hate, absolutely loath, having to admit that I can’t do something on my own. It makes me feel weak, incompetent, inferior… the list goes on and on.

I feel like it makes me less dependable and that it reflects poorly on me.

But that’s not the case. And in a lot of instances we would be better off if we accepted the help that was freely offered to us. A lot of the time we turn help away. We don’t even have to ask for it. We just find it better to shoot ourselves in the foot then to let someone else feel useful and important.

Like I said, I know this is an area that I need to work on. Having assistance, asking for help, isn’t a bad thing. Let other people be part of the awesome things you’re working on. Let them help you reach your goals.

Day 23 – Environment is Everything

I don’t work well at home.

Actually… I take that back.

I don’t work well at home when other people are home. I just can’t do it for some reason. Knowing that there are other people out in the living room playing games, that Zane might come into the room and destroy my workflow, that Trevor and John are having a super loud conversation right outside my door… it eats away at my concentration so the work that I do get done takes longer to do, and normally isn’t up to par with what I want.

When I’m alone in the apartment working is heaven on Earth. No noise unless I’m playing music. No distractions. It’s great.

The same goes for my actually “work” space at work. If people are being annoying then I can’t get much done.

So for me, environment is a huge factor with it comes to my productivity. I need everything to be where I put it so I know where it’s at when I need it. I need to be left along unless I need information from someone, in which case I want a quick reply so I can keep moving forward with my task. But in general, once I know what I need to do I want to be left alone to do it. My own little bubble of seclusion.

I like for my environment to be on the dim side, and cool. I like having water nearby with a snack that I’ll most likely never touch, but it’s nice to know it’s there. I like having my cross stitch with me so when I get to a mile stone, or a break point, I can stitch a couple of threads while I think over the next phase of the project I’m working on, battle planning it out, or revising the game plan I already had in mind.

I’ve had a lot of experience with figuring out what makes my environment work with me rather than against me. It’s something that is constantly evolving. I’m always trying new things, different things, to see if I like something else better.

What makes your environment work for you? That’s what Chalene wants us to focus on today. Think about things in your space that you can improve that might boost your productivity, or reduce the friction you feel when you do sit down to work.

Musing Moment 0070: Days 18 and 19

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Day 18 – Confidence

This day always reminds me of a quote, supposedly from Aristotle.

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Chalene talks about how sometimes you have to walk the walk before you actually feel comfortable with it. It struck me as sort of humorous that I was actually given the same advice years before doing this challenge by a therapist I was seeing.

She said that doing something new, something different, something outside my comfort zone was going to feel awkward. I was going to be self conscious about it. I was going to worry and think that I was going to mess up and that other people were thinking that I was going to mess up.

She said, point blank, that I wasn’t going to feel confident the first time I did something new. Or maybe even the second, or third.

She also said that I should do it anyway. She said that it didn’t matter what other people thought of me, only what I thought of myself. She said that the more I did whatever action it was, the more sure of myself I would feel, the more confidence in my own ability I would have, the more natural and comfortable I would become.

At the age of 20 it was sort of like hearing the words, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

I could understand them. Yep, those are English words. They make a sentence. But I didn’t really have an appreciation for the phrase until much later in life. Just like I didn’t have an appreciation for the wisdom of my therapist until much later.

Looking back at it, I don’t think I was ready to fully comprehend that wisdom. I hadn’t found myself yet. I didn’t really have a grasp on who I was, and what I wanted to be as far as a person goes, but then who does at 20?

I try to keep Aristotle’s quote in mind whenever I start something new and the shaky feeling of insecurity starts to creep into my thoughts.

Ok. So this is new. It’s scary. And that’s ok. The only way to get better is to do it. The only way to prove to myself that it’s really not that bad is to walk the walk.

There actually doesn’t need to be any talking involved. For me, a lot of my projects and goals are taken on for an internal reason. I feel they are worth it. They do something to fulfill me. I don’t have to talk about that. All I have to do is take a deep breath and start walking from point A to point B.

That being said, success isn’t normally a straight line. And that’s something else I normally have to remind myself about when I realize the leisurely walk I had envisioned has turned into a mud obstacle course. : )

sucess

Day 19 – Skills vs. Goals

Day 19 is where we take a look at some definitions. It’s pretty common to list a skill as a goal, which can make understanding when you have reached a goal sort of confusing.

Goals have clear, usually measurable, outcomes, while skills don’t. How do you know when you’ve become “more organized”? How do you know when you’re “more fit”?

Being more organized is a skill that can be learned and applied to something, but it in itself isn’t actually a goal. It’s a nebulous idea with no solid lines to let you know when you have conquered your Mt. Everest.

So today, Chalene wants us to take a look at our goal list and to see if what we have written down are really goals, or skills we want to achieve. It’s cool if they’re skills. Our list doesn’t have to be perfect, especially when most of the time this is the first time where we’ve really sat down and thought of things we want to achieve. We’re not goal list masters yet. It’s a skill we’re working on. : )

One way to get better is to start consciously thinking about goals verses skills and to only write down goals on a goal list. Goals with clear, definitive markers to let us know when we’ve achieved them.

It’s almost time to rewrite our list, so the question, “Is this a goal?” should be at the front of our brain when next we sit down to figure out where we’re going and what we want.

Musing Moment 0069: Days 16 – 17

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Day 16 – Knowledge

Most of the time we need to have a little bit of extra information to complete our goals, especially if they’re personal improvement goals. Today Chalene encourages us to research. Find a blog, article, book, expert, something, that is related to your goal. Something that could help you get to where you want to go.

I started this a bit yesterday by looking for taekwondo podcasts. I think I’ve found a few that will work well, but I think I’m going to end up buying the book Sensei Mike recommended to me while I was going to the dojo.

I also want to get more information about the Warrior Dash. I think it would be good to keep reading and looking for tips and tricks for preparing for not only the race, but for getting in shape to begin with since I know I need to do more with my upper body and core.

I know I need to do a bit of digging around online and this is a reminder day to add those tasks to your to-do list. They’re just as important as everything else and deserve to be added into your day.

Day 17 – Reverse Engineering

This day has changed a bit. There’s more resources and such to go through than what I’m used to, which isn’t a bad thing, but it does mean that currently I don’t have the time to sit and do it. I didn’t factor this extra time into my morning. But it’s nice to see that the challenge is still updated and improved upon.

Reverse engineering a goal is a fantastic endeavor. A goal is really the summit of the mountain we are trying to climb. You can’t get to the top without taking all of the steps in between the summit and the base, though, and that’s what most people forget. You can’t instantly “poof” up to the top. You have to do all the work in between.

So… what is all of the work? What are the steps you need to take in order to get to the top of your goal?

That’s where reverse engineering comes in. Start from the top, then figure out how you got there. I suppose I really should do my research with the Warrior Dash first before trying to reverse engineer my goal of running one. I have a decent idea of what I ought to be doing, but I’m sure there’s more information out there that would help me along the way, or help me with steps I haven’t even thought of yet.

So I’ll most likely come back to this activity at a later time, but it’s good that I have it simmering in my brain. It’s helping to keep me motivated and excited. I’m actually starting to look forward to the race because I might not completely suck at it. : )

Musing Moment 0064: More Challenge Stuff

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Day 10 – Rethink Your Goals

One thing that I never really do with Chalene’s 30 Day Challenge is recreate my goals. I normally stick with that I first come up with, come hell or high water. This time though I actually sat down and rewrote my goals.

Some of them have actually changed. I am feeling more inspired by work, mostly because I have actually been doing work and I can see where the curriculum can be improved. It also helps that I’m not super depressed and I have the energy to look outside of myself and to care.

So after a little bit of thinking this is what I’ve come up with.

  1. Run the Warrior Dash in February
  2. Complete the SAL course work before December
  3. Create pdfs for the SAL assignments before January
  4. Pay off Bank of America credit card by February
  5. Get gauntlet tattoos by May
  6. Achieve 1st Dan rank in aikido by next December
  7. Achieve 1st Dan rank in taekwondo by next December
  8. Reach size 14 by May
  9. Run a solid mile by January
  10. Create a SAL reel focusing on glass, crystals, and grunge

Half of my goals are in some way health related, and the rest are sort of work related. A lot of the “health” goals deal with personal and spiritual growth though, which heavily factor into my emotional health, which is what I decided my key priority was supposed to be.

I’m feeling so much better than what I was a few sort weeks ago. It’s almost insane how much different, lighter, and just in general emotionally healthier I already feel. I feel like I’m standing back up again, and now I’ll be able to move forward on all of the things I want.

These goals are a little different from the ones last week, but I feel like they are more solid. I actually want to achieve all of them, rather than just writing them down because I feel like those should be the things I want.

Day 11 – Skill Mastery

Day 11 is when you begin focusing on what skills you need to have in order to achieve your push goal. Right now my push goal is the Warrior Dash. I’ve already upgraded my ZenLab apps and plan to begin using them tomorrow. I just got done with an extra bike ride, and there’s yoga later today, so cut me some slack on the number of pushes I’m not going to be doing… >.>

I do want to start moving on my black belt goals though, so I think the first search I’m going to be doing is finding podcasts / videos for practice routines for taekwondo. I want to go back to practicing the punches, kicks and first stance. Maybe doing that for roughly 10 minutes or so each day after my bike rides?

I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out. First thing is first though. Got to find material so I’m not just flailing around hoping I don’t break things.

Day 12 – Blood Type = “Be Positive”

Ahhh, day 12. The day that is always hard for me. This is where we admit that we have evil voices in our head that berate us. All those self deprecating comments… we have to own up to them and realize that we’re not all that nice to ourselves most of the time.

For a while I was doing good with staying on the “Positivity Train”. Until recently, though, I was full of hurtful, hateful comments that I directed only at myself.

  1. You’re a failure.
  2. You’re disappointing everyone.
  3. You’ll never get anywhere in life.
  4. Why don’t you just give up? It’s not like anything matters anyway?
  5. You can’t do this. It’s too hard for you and you know it.

How is that at all ok to say to anyone, much less yourself?

Sticking with the assignment from Chalene here are my five positive, first-person counters to those comments.

I am NOT a failure. I’m actually pretty amazing and a badass.

I’m not disappointing anyone. Not even myself because I’ve kept going through all of this. I’ve survived and I’m getting back on track. There is nothing disappointing in perseverance.

I have gone many places in life, and will continue to do so. The only difference between a dream and reality is hard work.

Maybe some things don’t matter. But I’ll never give up, and just because something doesn’t matter to someone else doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me. I only put effort into things that I think are worth-while, and if something gives me fulfillment then it matters.

I CAN do this. I am doing this. It’s not too hard. It’s hard enough to make it worth it. Nothing that is worth having in life is going to be inside my comfort zone. I’m going to have to stretch for it. Reach. Push myself. And once I get whatever I’m striving for it will be that much sweeter because it wasn’t something handed to me. It was something I worked for and achieved. It made me better in some way because I actually did something.

And with that I am caught back up with the challenge. Off I go to continue my plans of world domination. : D

Daily Post 018: The Thursday That Was Really Wednesday

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I spent most of this morning thinking it was Thursday. So imagine how estatic I was to learn that I had a whole extra 24 hours in my week to do things.

Zane and I spent the morning together, which was a fantastic change from the fighting. I ended up going back to sleep for a few hours after he left for work. I had gotten home around midnight, and was in bed around 12:30, but I wasn’t able to fall asleep easily, and waking up at 6am was rough. I was able to get another hour and a half of sleep, and I was way better off for having the extra REM cycle.

I took the time to sit and enjoy my cup of coffee while I did my challenge writing and responded of a few other emails. I cooked breakfast after that, then went about making my do-to list for the day, starting with getting a new notebook. I went through the braindump from yesterday, picking the tasks that I wanted to do today, tomorrow, this week, and so on. That meant there was a fairly extensive list for today, but amazingly, I actually got through literally everything that I wanted to. Good feelz for that.

After making my list and figuring out my current goals I went through my Omnifocus. I don’t think I’m going to be picking that program back up this month, but it was nice to go through it and see that I actually took care of a lot of the items that I had in there. I cleared out the projects that I’m no longer going to be putting time and effort into. I didn’t add anything new because like I said, I don’t think I’ll be going back to it just yet, but still, it’s nice to know that’s it’s cleaner than what it was.

I emptied the bedroom trashcan since it was full. I messged my brother about the money for the storage unit since he still hasn’t paid me for that. He’s going to be sending me $150 which will catch him up on what he owes.

He said he felt a bit unloved since the only times I seem to message him are to ask about money. Which in his defense is a valid complaint. The only times I have been messaging him are when I add him to my to do list, which isn’t fair and isn’t how I want our relationship to be.

I messaged him back saying that I would really like to go back to having chat times with him where we get on Skype and play Magic the Gathering together and actually feel like we’re part of each others lives. I miss him, and I want him to know that I love him, which requires more than a quick messages which basically amounts to “Hi, bye.”

So that’s in the works to get fixed.

I had brought in the box of “car stuff” that I keep in my truck when I had to take all of the stuff to the storage unit over the weekend. Since that was in the apartment and easily accessible I decided to go through it and make sure everything needed to be kept. Of course there was junk in there that needed to be thrown out or donated. So I went through all of it and cleaned the box up. I even took some of the rain-x and sprayed my glasses with it so when I’m biking the water won’t be as aggravating, hopefully. I sprayed the mirror in the bathroom with it as well. Might a well while I have it handy, right?

I updated one of my cross stitch posts with a new image. One without a stitched typo… Like it never even happened. Muahahaha. I also took a quick second to dig out a new skein of thread from my stash because I ran out of a color I’m currently working with. Glad that I had it handy otherwise I would have been an unhappy camper.

After all that I showered and biked to work, using Runkeeper to track my time.

I ate a tuna lunch with a bottle of water while I sat outside cooling off from my ride. It was a really nice way to get ready for work. I saw Clavan and confirmed that I’m not supposed to work on Friday. I’m not. So much awesome. I can’t even put into words how awesome. Another day where I’ll be alone at the apartment. I have so many plans for those eight hours.

Once lab started I took the time to figure out my schedule for the coming month. Shading and Lighting will have one lab that I need to be there for on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, 9am to 1pm. The Character Rigging 1 labs are going to be Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, 1pm until 9pm. I’ve already emailed my group to let them know which days I will be taking off to prevent working six days a week. I also offered to take both of the CRI1 labs, if we even end up needing both lab times, that way David can go home in the evenings to be with his wife and newborn.

I emailed my instructor to let her know that I was going on a Leave of Absence. I uninstalled several programs from my laptop, and installed Maya 2016, something that I’ve been dragging my feet on.

Since one of my goals, as established back in January, was to focus on Shading and Lighting I went through the online platform that the students have access to and made a battle plan for all of the assignments. I then began working on the first handful of them. My current goal in that department is to essentially go through all of the assignments for the class so I can be familiar with the projects and have hands on experience with them, especially since the projects just changed literally last month.

I’ve already noticed where things could be better, such as the way the information is displayed in the FSO platform. It would be so much easier to work with the information if it was contained inside of a separate pdf, rather than a huge web page of death full of so much information that you can’t figure out what you actually need to be looking at. It’s just an information overload, and it’s formatted poorly with very little in the way of hierarchy to help guide the eye. And look, there’s proof that I’m actually learning something through the Digital Art and Design classes that I’m taking. /flex

So I’m thinking about offering to create the pdfs for the assignments and projects. That would be a fun project. At least fun in my mind. Because I’m weird like that. I would most likely use Illustrator because I like that program more, though InDesign is more meant for text and such.

Anywho, once I got through as much of the Shading and Lighting work as I could with not having a mouse to use I went about working on my cross stitch. I actually didn’t get all that much done in that regard. Roughly 30 minutes worth before work was over.

After work I biked home, forgetting to use Runkeeper because I’m lame.

I started cutting up the veggies that we’re going to be using in the curry, which I realized we didn’t have coconut milk for. But that was ok because we forgot to get cat litter last night, and I had used the last of the shampoo as well, so the store would be a good adventure to undergo.

Once the veggies and chicken were packed away in containers I made a meal of two burger patties with mushroom, onion, and cheese. I used some soy sauce with brown sugar and garlic to cook everything in. It came out super tasty.

Zane came home shortly after I had finished eating. I was getting ready to start going through the “white box”. The box I had brought back from the storage unit with me.

He asked what all I wanted to go tonight and as I started listing off all of the things I still wanted to get through he mentioned that if we didn’t watch Arrow shortly that we most likely wouldn’t be able to tonight because someone else would highjack the living room and TV.

I agreed to wait to do my things, but inside I was cringing. Things were going differently than what I had thought they would. Change bad. Change bad.

I was a little tense at first, but I started stitching while we watched the show, and eventually everything was ok. After a couple episodes I went and showered while Zane cooked our dinner of pancakes…. Don’t judge us…

I had one. He makes his pancakes super thick compared to what I’m used, and I’m not a super big sweets person, so one was more than enough to last me the next four months or so. I might go make a scrambled egg shortly though since I’m a little hungry again.

Anyway, after eating I cleaned up the kitchen and set the dishwasher to run, then we headed out to the store. The shampoo we use was buy three for eight bucks. So both Zane and I got a scent and a matching conditioner bottle for me. I love mine. Like, I’m thinking about taking a shower just to use it type of love mine. It’s lavender and mint. <3

So much win in such a small bottle.

One of the things I did last night was revise my budget to reflect the numbers I will have once Zane starts getting his paychecks. I will be saving $700, roughly, it will actually be a bit more than that, each month. If Zane is able to put any money toward me in December it is very possible that I could actually have the card paid off. Or at least so insanely close that it would be finished off in January.

I. Cannot. Wait.

Seeing those numbers, seeing what my financial future will be in roughly two weeks, it makes things seem ok. Two more weeks and I’ll be back on track. Two more weeks and it will be an even partnership again.

We can do this. I can do this. And I told Zane about it.

He wants to pay for my phone. Not sure if I mentioned that before or not. But in November he wants to get an account with Version, which I totally support him getting a phone with service. Right now he doesn’t have one, but if he’s going to be driving around, especially on a motorcycle, I want him to be able to call someone if he needs help.

He said that he wouldn’t mind if I was on his plan because I get crummy service with MetroPCS. I said that I wouldn’t mind being on the plan as long as I was able to continue paying the $40 that I currently pay for my phone, to which he replied he wouldn’t mind paying all of the phone expense for me.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t like people paying for things for me. There is a part of me who is worried that it would be held over my head or something to that affect, even though I know that he wouldn’t do something like that. I feel like with everything we have been through on an emotional level through these past four months, everything that I’ve written about, and all the things I haven’t, that I know him well enough to know something like that isn’t in Zane’s character.

There’s still that fear though. And that nagging voice that says I should be paying for my own way in life. It’s my phone so I should pay for it.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with that. But it is something that has been brought up, and will be mentioned again once Zane has his first paycheck and bank account set up.

So much stuff is about to happen in the next few weeks. It’s almost a little scary and daunting.

Back to today though. We came back home and put the food stuffs away. I did go through the white box. I did cry and Zane and I talked about it. There were pictures of my dad and I in there. Putting puzzles together on the floor. I remember when that picture was taken. There were pictures of my brothers. My grandparents. There were graduation cards, some of which I threw away, which might sound heartless to some people, but I don’t have emotional attachment to them, so I don’t want to keep them. I kept the ones that mattered to me, and that’s enough.

I also went through most of my “in” pile, putting away different papers that I want to hold on to, the tax information from before I moved to Florida that I found in the storage unit. Miscellaneous things like that. I also figured out how to mail things outside of the US so I’ll be able to send off several of my cross stitch projects soon. By the weekend I’m hoping.

And now I’m wrapping up the night with writing. No tea, but like I said, I’m hungry so I might have an egg instead. Zane’s about to go to sleep as well since he wakes up so early in the morning now. At least he has extra pancakes to look forward to for breakfast.

I still need to write out my to-do list for tomorrow, but I feel like tomorrow is going to be a good day. It’s essentially my Friday. I’ll be able to give my legs a rest from biking so much. I’ll be in the Shading and Lighting lab so I can work on the assignments I want to. I don’t know. It just feels like tomorrow will be nice, like how today was.

I’m really hoping days like today are how most days will be in the future. I would be ok with that.

Musing Moment 0063: Figuring Out My Dash

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Day 8 – Breaking it Down

Today we’re supposed to take our uber push goal and break it down into a battle plan. What’s the next, most immediate step that needs to be accomplished? What research needs to happen? What calls need to be made? What things need to be purchased or obtained? Do other people need to be involved?

Basically you brainstorm out the whole thing so your actions become clear. The goal seems less daunting because it’s not just random ideas floating around inside our heads, it’s clear actionable tasks that can get done. You have your road map so all that needs to happen is to execute it now.

Well… with my goal of completing a Warrior Dash, there’s not really much that needs to happen as far as steps go.

Step 1: Find workout routines
Step 2: Do them
Step 3: Sign up for race
Step 4: Run race
Step 5: Feel like a badass

Seems pretty straightforward to me. The main thing with this goal is that it’s more time oriented. It’s not going to happen over night. It’s not going to be completed in the next month.

I guess I should figure out when I want to run a race, what would be a realistic time frame, and then set my sights on that date. Right now it’s just a nebulous, “I will run the race sometime,” but that doesn’t give me anything to really strive for. I don’t have a deadline to push myself against.

So finding routines to help with training, and then finding the race I want to run. Those are my next steps. Possibly finding high protein meals as well since I’m going to be doing more strength stuff than I have in a while…

Ok, ok… so there’s a lot of things that I can add to my battle plan for this goal… That’s the whole point of this, though. Thinking about what it’s actually going to take so I can set myself up for success.

Workout routines, training time frame, and meals. Off I go to consult the all mighty Google.

Musing Moment 0062: Catching Up

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I feel sort of lame. I’m already like five days behind on this challenge. Off to a great start… But I’m going to try to keep pushing forward with it.

Day 3 – Goals

Day three is when you pick 10 goals you want to work on. Sadly I think this is the first time where I can’t really think of any. Maybe it’s because I’m still floundering in a lot of the areas of my life. This is what I came up with though.

Create a new rigging demo reel
in the next six months.

I want to create a new reel. One that isn’t full of my student work. I want to find projects that actually inspire me to use my skills and improve my talents instead of freelance projects that are frustrating and unfulfilling. Maybe actually working on projects I’m invested in will help to spark my interest in my field once again and help combat the burnout I’m experiencing.

Get gauntlet and grieve tattoos
in next six months.

I’m tired of not having my tattoos, which is something I’ve complained about on and off since the beginning of this blog. I will not compromise on these any longer. In the next six months I will obtain this marks because I deserve to have them. I have met all of the goals for them and I am doing a disserve to myself by denying my right to have them.

Rebrand professional website
in the next nine months.

Along the same lines as creating a new reel, updating my branding could help revive my passion for my work. Cleaning up my professional website, possibly even creating my own rather than using Wix could help give me purpose and drive, along with a sense of accomplishment for actually creating something.

Run a Warrior Dash
in the next nine months.

I have always thought of doing this. Training for a Warrior Dash would line up with my health goals, and again, give me something to be motivated for. Completing or even attempting a Warrior Dash will show me that I have actually made progress in this area of my life. When I graduated high school there was no way I could have participated in something like this. Even now, I know I wouldn’t fair every well. But with training and dedication there’s no reason I couldn’t. This is something I want for myself.

Reach a size 14
by next December.

Numbers really do not matter to me. My goal is to be healthy, but I feel this is a realistic number that I can reach in my overarching goal for better health. It will be the smallest I can remember being in my adult life.

Become a black belt in Aikido
by next December.

This will be an ambitious goal, especially with how I am currently not practicing. I feel I could reach this goal, however. I want to attempt it. I want to go back to my dojo. I want the peace I found in practicing. I want to prove to myself that I can still learn new skills and grow. I want to reach the first level of Dan so I can push even further.

Become a black belt in Taekwondo
by next December.

This follows the goal for Aikido. I enjoy this style of martial arts. I like the difference I feel compared to Aikido. I want to reach a black belt in this form to prove to myself that I can.

Pay off the car loan and
Bank of America card by next December.

I don’t know how I can do this one. Especially right now, from where I’m at, which feels trapped and tied down. There are so many ways I could though. I could actually do the Fredinator contract so I get revenue from my YouTube channel. I could create scripts to sell. I could take on the Metaverse form moderator position. I have avenues I could pursue to actually accomplish this ambitious, almost outrageous, goal. I could begin taking on freelance projects for my design degree. I need to find the avenue that would give me fulfillment so the time and effort put towards this goal will seem worth it.

Complete quilt for Jace
by next January.

My nephew is growing up so fast. It makes me realize how much I’m not doing with my life currently. How I’m thrashing and struggling, but against myself, and hurting only myself in the process. His birthday is in January. I don’t have the time to start and finish a full quilt by the time his birthday comes around, but I do want to complete a quilt for him by his next birthday. It was something I told my mom I wanted to do for Jace when he was born and I feel if I actually began work on this project AND completed it that I would feel accomplished. I feel I would have given Jace something meaningful, something of myself.

Day 4 – Push Goal

So out of all the things I listed there’s a main goal, a push goal, which will make the other ones easier to accomplish. By working towards it, I’m also working towards other objectives and so there’s a bit of a domino affect.

I believe my push goal, at least at the moment, would be to train for my Warrior Dash. By training for it I would not only be working towards my goal of running the race, but I could incorporate training for my aikido and taekwondo goals into it as well, and all of those goals push me close to my goal of being healthier.

Which, honestly, I think those goals will make me happier than my other ones. I want to focus on my self. I want to be selfish and indulge in my shadow traits and take time for me, to make me better, stronger. Training would give me alone time. It would give me space. It would be working me towards where I’ve wanted to be for a while now.

I want to shut out my career which is full of expectations from other people. Outside voices and noise. I want to shut out school, social, and life in general. I want to lose myself in myself and when I reemerge I will come out transformed. A better me.

Thinking about these goals, reaching them, makes me feel calmer, motivated. It makes me want to go out and do things. It makes me feel like there’s a reason to get up.

Day 5 – Important Person Promise

I’m supposed to promise important people in my life that I’m going to reach my goals, but you know what? I’m not going to promise anyone this time. This isn’t an obligation. This isn’t for other people so they can have the power to make me feel bad or like I’ve disappointed them.

This is for me, because I want to feel better. This is for me to prove that I can as long as I stop standing in my own way.

Day 6 – The To-Do List

I’ve gotten slack with this. I don’t make my lists in a consistent place or time. I just hope and pray that I am able to get to it before my day goes into chaos.

No longer.

I will write my blog EVERY NIGHT before going to sleep. I will make sure I have time to do it, before I get too tired. I will go back to having a cup of tea every night, and as I drink my tea I will write my blog and before going to sleep I will write my to-do list for the coming day. I will see what time restraints I have, and figure out what I want to get taken care of in the windows of time I have. I will make sure there is always time for my training. I will make sure I provide myself enough time to recharge. I will limit the social obligations I give myself because right now socializing isn’t my priority.

Training and recharging through activities such as cross stitching my nephew’s quilt are both things that will help me improve my emotional health and help me get closer to the goals I am currently focusing on.

Day 7 – The Brain Dump

Currently I’m on day seven, but I don’t feel like I can finish this task before the end of work, and really I would rather be at home when I do this section any way. So I will save it for now and do an additional post for it later.

Aside from figuring out my goals, I feel this is the most important thing to complete. Figuring out my life, the tasks and loose ends that need to be taken care of so I feel like I’m on top of things again rather than drowning in all of my incomplete “obligations”. This is where I clean house and figure out where I am, and give myself a battle plan for getting back in control.

So yeah, I need more than 10 minutes for this. I’m happy with all of the progress I have made so far, though. I’m feeling like I have direction again.

Daily Post 0188: Rainy Sunday

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I’ve been up for a few hours. It’s a lazy Sunday. A rainy Sunday. The Pathfinder game is later tonight, around 6ish, so there’s still hours of downtime to do whatever I want. Which, once again, is nothing. : D

Yesterday was nice. I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to be super, ridiculously productive two days in a row. I curled back up in bed with Zane for a little bit. He groggily chatted with me as we tried to piece together our day.

We ended up going grocery shopping together at an oriental market, something we’ve been wanting to do for a few months now.

It was a little tense between us and we both agreed it was because we’re both introverted and were in a new place, and we really didn’t know what we were doing. It wasn’t a bad experience, overall I think it was actually really good. We were just on edge a bit more than normal and I think we were picking that up from each other. Sort of like feeding off of it.

It’s interesting being involved with another INFJ. There are some really awesome things about it, like how he knows my emotions better than I know my own. And then there are some really annoying things about it… like how he knows my emotions better than I know my own…

But it works out, because the same can be said for him. Muahahaha. >:3

Anywho, the market was super awesome in my book, and I’m looking forward to going back there again. I couldn’t read half of the things they had, but their prices are amazing, and they had such a variety of things. We got most of our groceries for the week for $50, including several things that weren’t on the list, like squid for calamari, and a package of fresh spring rolls so I could have them for lunch.

We still had to go to Publix for the cat litter, coffee creamer (which I rate above getting gas for the car as far as level of importance goes), body wash, and a few other things. We ended up spending almost as much at Publix for about half the number of items. That sort of puts things into perspective as far as corporate America screwing around with prices.

We’ve been wanting to make more oriental dishes, though, since both Zane and I enjoy that type of cuisine. So maybe there will be a shift in our routine. We’re supposed to research and find things we want to try making. Sushi is on my list.

This week we’re going to be making a shrimp stir-fry and Zane’s amazing sriracha chicken for dinner meals. I really aught to write the recipe down and add it to my Allrecipes account…

The oatmeal is almost gone, so we’ll still be working through that for breakfast, and since we didn’t make the tuna last week we’ll mostly be doing that for lunches.

Right now we’re doing well on the food budget. The past month I have only used half of the gas budget. And with the news about the job, there’s an end to the strain in sight.

I think I’m starting to accept that things will get better. I think I’ve also come to terms with the fact that just because I might not get to my goal with the card right now doesn’t mean that my life is ending.

I read a pretty awesome article which talked about failure. It resonated with me and it helped me with being able to accept my feelings. They’re not all that unfounded. In fact, they’re pretty normal, which always seems to be the hardest thing for me.

I almost always feel like I’m overreacting, blowing things out of proportion. Other people have issues so much worse than mine, so how can I justify feeling so bad about myself and my efforts.

But this article equated the end of a dream to the end of a relationship. If you are truly invested in someone(thing) and pour time and effort into it, envision your future with it, then it is normal to feel bad if it ends. All of that time, all of that energy, all of those dreams, gone. It hurts. It’s normal for it to hurt. And it’s normal to have a period of time to grieve and adjust. To figure out how you’re going to move forward without that future you saw for yourself.

That may seem a bit extreme to some people, but like I said, it resonated with me, and I think it helped me move past the grief stage of my goal.

My brain: Ok. So we won’t be able to do what we want, when we want, how we want. That sucks. A lot. And it’s ok that it sucks. It’s even ok to be depressed about it for a little while.

It’s not ok to sit here for the rest of forever stewing about it. Eventually I need to move on and find other dreams / goals to put my time into.

So. Since I can’t change the money situation right now, I’m going to stop worrying about it. Zane and I are doing good. I’m keeping track of what Zane wants to pay me back for. We’re supporting each other and we’re making it through this. We were ok. We are ok. And we’ll continue to be ok.

So that’s where I’m at. I feel like part of the burden I had been feeling is been removed. Not all of it, but a lot of it. And not because the situation has changed. I feel like the expectations I have for myself have shifted, which is why only part of the stress is gone.

With the current situation, paying off the card is unreasonable. Taking another job is going to leave me even more tapped out than I currently am, which won’t solve anything. I don’t think with how burnt out I would feel that paying off the card would be worth it at that point. And to be honest I’m not all that jazzed about the job to begin with. I don’t think having something I’m less than thrilled about eat away at more of my precious time would bode well.

When making a pros / cons list, I don’t think the pros out weigh the cons, so I guess I don’t want my goal as bad as I say I do. Or maybe it’s just realistic that I’m human and at some point there is a breaking point, and on a self preservation level I don’t want to break.

Whatever the case may be, I’m changing my focus instead of trying to reach for a goal that I feel is unattainable right now.

Irrational Self: This was your one goal for the year. You have to get it. Your livelihood depends on this.
Rational Self: But I can’t right now. It’s literally not possible.
Irrational Self: Try harder! Otherwise you’re a failure.

That’s not a healthy mentality, especially if to reach that goal I would have to sacrifice things like time for schoolwork, the gym, and sleep. Priorities and goals need to shift as life shifts, and I was resisting shifting mine. Like, hardcore, “you’re being stupid about this” resisting.

Well, no longer I guess. I will change goals. For real this time. The card will get done when it gets done, and right now I can’t make it happen faster. So lets move on to something else.

… Which brings the next question… What do I move on to?

Not surprising, I haven’t made it that far in my revelations this morning. There’s a “one cup of coffee per epiphany” rule I have to abide by.

So maybe that’s what I’ll do today. Figure out what I can start working on to move me forward a different goal.

…

So that was a really long tangent through my brain… my bad.

Back to talking about shopping and oriental markets. : D

When we got back from shopping we put the food away and finished watching Hot Fuzz. I actually really enjoyed the movie and I’m glad Zane “forced” me to watch it. We took a nap afterwards since I had to stay awake all night for work.

I was alone again for the lab last night, and this time there were tons of questions. By the time my shift was over I was ready to not see another person. Afterwards I stayed in the lab room for an hour decompressing in silence before packing up and going home.

Zane had cooked parmesan chicken for dinner. We were supposed to have the calamari with it, but he forgot that we had gotten it. XD

Maybe I’ll be able to convince him to make it for snacky stuff later today.

It was still a good dinner regarless. Mostly because I didn’t have to make any of it. At 1am pretty much any food put in front of me is awesome in my book.

To make it even better, Zane said that he was going to clean the kitchen before going to sleep since it was literally a disaster, something my brain refused to process when I walked through the door.

My brain: You see no evil. There is no evil. Walk past the evil that isn’t there. >.>;

We watched a few more episodes of Psycho-Pass, then I went to bed.

Zane came in a while later. I don’t know when. But he stole the pillows away from me, and the blanket I was cuddling with… Because he’s a jerk… Grr…

He’s not really. He always teases me because when I’m in bed alone I horde all of the pillows, and most of the sheets / blanket. They’re soft and comfy and not being used. I don’t want them to get lonely or anything… I’m just being considerate. You know… taking one for the team and stuff. No pillow deserves to feel lonely.

So I was all bundled up in my “nest” when he came to bed, which meant he had to wake me up to be able to get his pillow away from me. That led to teasing and mostly fake grumpiness on my part, which ended in amazing cuddles with his chest pressed against my back, his arm across my torso, and his tired voice whispering good night in my ear.

All of the warm fuzzy feelings r belong to me. <3

The kitchen was mostly cleaned when I woke up. Some dishes were left since they didn’t fit into the dishwasher, but the dishwasher had been run, so I unloaded it, reloaded it, and wiped down the counters. I’ve had my coffee, I’ve gone through my email, and I’ve sat and enjoyed the rainy, dreary morning in silence while everyone else sleeps.

Today feels like a day for introspection.

… And homework… Arg. Responsibility, why do you torment me so?