I’ve been up for a few hours. It’s a lazy Sunday. A rainy Sunday. The Pathfinder game is later tonight, around 6ish, so there’s still hours of downtime to do whatever I want. Which, once again, is nothing. : D

Yesterday was nice. I accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to be super, ridiculously productive two days in a row. I curled back up in bed with Zane for a little bit. He groggily chatted with me as we tried to piece together our day.

We ended up going grocery shopping together at an oriental market, something we’ve been wanting to do for a few months now.

It was a little tense between us and we both agreed it was because we’re both introverted and were in a new place, and we really didn’t know what we were doing. It wasn’t a bad experience, overall I think it was actually really good. We were just on edge a bit more than normal and I think we were picking that up from each other. Sort of like feeding off of it.

It’s interesting being involved with another INFJ. There are some really awesome things about it, like how he knows my emotions better than I know my own. And then there are some really annoying things about it… like how he knows my emotions better than I know my own…

But it works out, because the same can be said for him. Muahahaha. >:3

Anywho, the market was super awesome in my book, and I’m looking forward to going back there again. I couldn’t read half of the things they had, but their prices are amazing, and they had such a variety of things. We got most of our groceries for the week for $50, including several things that weren’t on the list, like squid for calamari, and a package of fresh spring rolls so I could have them for lunch.

We still had to go to Publix for the cat litter, coffee creamer (which I rate above getting gas for the car as far as level of importance goes), body wash, and a few other things. We ended up spending almost as much at Publix for about half the number of items. That sort of puts things into perspective as far as corporate America screwing around with prices.

We’ve been wanting to make more oriental dishes, though, since both Zane and I enjoy that type of cuisine. So maybe there will be a shift in our routine. We’re supposed to research and find things we want to try making. Sushi is on my list.

This week we’re going to be making a shrimp stir-fry and Zane’s amazing sriracha chicken for dinner meals. I really aught to write the recipe down and add it to my Allrecipes account…

The oatmeal is almost gone, so we’ll still be working through that for breakfast, and since we didn’t make the tuna last week we’ll mostly be doing that for lunches.

Right now we’re doing well on the food budget. The past month I have only used half of the gas budget. And with the news about the job, there’s an end to the strain in sight.

I think I’m starting to accept that things will get better. I think I’ve also come to terms with the fact that just because I might not get to my goal with the card right now doesn’t mean that my life is ending.

I read a pretty awesome article which talked about failure. It resonated with me and it helped me with being able to accept my feelings. They’re not all that unfounded. In fact, they’re pretty normal, which always seems to be the hardest thing for me.

I almost always feel like I’m overreacting, blowing things out of proportion. Other people have issues so much worse than mine, so how can I justify feeling so bad about myself and my efforts.

But this article equated the end of a dream to the end of a relationship. If you are truly invested in someone(thing) and pour time and effort into it, envision your future with it, then it is normal to feel bad if it ends. All of that time, all of that energy, all of those dreams, gone. It hurts. It’s normal for it to hurt. And it’s normal to have a period of time to grieve and adjust. To figure out how you’re going to move forward without that future you saw for yourself.

That may seem a bit extreme to some people, but like I said, it resonated with me, and I think it helped me move past the grief stage of my goal.

My brain: Ok. So we won’t be able to do what we want, when we want, how we want. That sucks. A lot. And it’s ok that it sucks. It’s even ok to be depressed about it for a little while.

It’s not ok to sit here for the rest of forever stewing about it. Eventually I need to move on and find other dreams / goals to put my time into.

So. Since I can’t change the money situation right now, I’m going to stop worrying about it. Zane and I are doing good. I’m keeping track of what Zane wants to pay me back for. We’re supporting each other and we’re making it through this. We were ok. We are ok. And we’ll continue to be ok.

So that’s where I’m at. I feel like part of the burden I had been feeling is been removed. Not all of it, but a lot of it. And not because the situation has changed. I feel like the expectations I have for myself have shifted, which is why only part of the stress is gone.

With the current situation, paying off the card is unreasonable. Taking another job is going to leave me even more tapped out than I currently am, which won’t solve anything. I don’t think with how burnt out I would feel that paying off the card would be worth it at that point. And to be honest I’m not all that jazzed about the job to begin with. I don’t think having something I’m less than thrilled about eat away at more of my precious time would bode well.

When making a pros / cons list, I don’t think the pros out weigh the cons, so I guess I don’t want my goal as bad as I say I do. Or maybe it’s just realistic that I’m human and at some point there is a breaking point, and on a self preservation level I don’t want to break.

Whatever the case may be, I’m changing my focus instead of trying to reach for a goal that I feel is unattainable right now.

Irrational Self: This was your one goal for the year. You have to get it. Your livelihood depends on this.
Rational Self: But I can’t right now. It’s literally not possible.
Irrational Self: Try harder! Otherwise you’re a failure.

That’s not a healthy mentality, especially if to reach that goal I would have to sacrifice things like time for schoolwork, the gym, and sleep. Priorities and goals need to shift as life shifts, and I was resisting shifting mine. Like, hardcore, “you’re being stupid about this” resisting.

Well, no longer I guess. I will change goals. For real this time. The card will get done when it gets done, and right now I can’t make it happen faster. So lets move on to something else.

… Which brings the next question… What do I move on to?

Not surprising, I haven’t made it that far in my revelations this morning. There’s a “one cup of coffee per epiphany” rule I have to abide by.

So maybe that’s what I’ll do today. Figure out what I can start working on to move me forward a different goal.

…

So that was a really long tangent through my brain… my bad.

Back to talking about shopping and oriental markets. : D

When we got back from shopping we put the food away and finished watching Hot Fuzz. I actually really enjoyed the movie and I’m glad Zane “forced” me to watch it. We took a nap afterwards since I had to stay awake all night for work.

I was alone again for the lab last night, and this time there were tons of questions. By the time my shift was over I was ready to not see another person. Afterwards I stayed in the lab room for an hour decompressing in silence before packing up and going home.

Zane had cooked parmesan chicken for dinner. We were supposed to have the calamari with it, but he forgot that we had gotten it. XD

Maybe I’ll be able to convince him to make it for snacky stuff later today.

It was still a good dinner regarless. Mostly because I didn’t have to make any of it. At 1am pretty much any food put in front of me is awesome in my book.

To make it even better, Zane said that he was going to clean the kitchen before going to sleep since it was literally a disaster, something my brain refused to process when I walked through the door.

My brain: You see no evil. There is no evil. Walk past the evil that isn’t there. >.>;

We watched a few more episodes of Psycho-Pass, then I went to bed.

Zane came in a while later. I don’t know when. But he stole the pillows away from me, and the blanket I was cuddling with… Because he’s a jerk… Grr…

He’s not really. He always teases me because when I’m in bed alone I horde all of the pillows, and most of the sheets / blanket. They’re soft and comfy and not being used. I don’t want them to get lonely or anything… I’m just being considerate. You know… taking one for the team and stuff. No pillow deserves to feel lonely.

So I was all bundled up in my “nest” when he came to bed, which meant he had to wake me up to be able to get his pillow away from me. That led to teasing and mostly fake grumpiness on my part, which ended in amazing cuddles with his chest pressed against my back, his arm across my torso, and his tired voice whispering good night in my ear.

All of the warm fuzzy feelings r belong to me. <3

The kitchen was mostly cleaned when I woke up. Some dishes were left since they didn’t fit into the dishwasher, but the dishwasher had been run, so I unloaded it, reloaded it, and wiped down the counters. I’ve had my coffee, I’ve gone through my email, and I’ve sat and enjoyed the rainy, dreary morning in silence while everyone else sleeps.

Today feels like a day for introspection.

… And homework… Arg. Responsibility, why do you torment me so?