It’s Saturday. The weekend. Most people are out doing things and enjoying their time away from work. I am sitting in front of my computer, counting down the hours until I have to go in for my shift.

I’m sitting here thinking that there’s most likely stuff I should be doing. I’m thinking that I want to not work 6 days a week and how accepting an additional job would not help with that. I’m thinking that constantly covering for a class other than my own sucks.

Meh.

I guess I should tag this with a warning that it’s most likely going to be a whiny post because that’s the mood I woke up in.

But first… Yesterday was great.

I finished my test booklet yesterday. I talked to Luis about how I wanted to take the test soon. He’s going to buy the book and try to work through it as well. Hopefully this coming weekend we can do that.

I wonder if I’ll feel any different for getting the certification. I don’t think I will. I don’t think it will really feel like an accomplishment. Maybe it would have if I had done it right after graduation. But having as much experience as I do, this base level certification feels beneath me. Maybe I’ll feel more accomplished when I test for the Professional Certification.

I talked to my mom while I did laundry yesterday. That helped. I wrote out my to-do list at the Laundromat and began picking away at it. Calling her was one of my tasks. We talked for a while. I explained how Wednesday was really, insanely hard. I explained how Thursday was the interview for Zane. We talked about her trip to see my brother, about the house selling, and how her mail wasn’t be forwarded properly. It was a good conversation.

I had lunch at my sports bar. I actually started editing my podcast while I was there. I got all of the bills paid. I got the money order for Trevor from the bank. I cleaned out my notebook and got that organized again.

I went to work where Frank got a call about his son being sick, so I ran both labs by myself. Since Shading and Lighting isn’t my normal class I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to run it on my own. But I did really well. I was able to answer every question for both labs. And the second one only had two out of five people show up.

I got my podcast finished after three hours of fighting with it. Final Cut Pro has an issue where sometimes you’ll get green frames in your video. There’s a way to fix it, but it involves deleting files and waiting for the project to rerender. It’s not hard. It just takes time. So for most of those three hours I was sitting there waiting. Which was frustrating.

But… I did end up getting it done and posted online.

That was when I moved on to finishing the last chapter and a half of my certification booklet. From there I began work on my new digital painting.

I talked to Tre for a little bit. We were going to try to talk on Skype, but something came up for him and we weren’t able to.

I got a message from Zane about an hour into my first lab saying that he heard back from the call center. He got the job.

It still doesn’t feel real. I think I’m happy. At least, if I were feeling anything I know that’s what I would be feeling. Relief. Hopeful. Proud maybe? Right now I’m still walled up inside myself. Bunkered down and waiting for the fallout. It’s too good to be true.

And I feel like a bad person for that. I should be happy. I should be sharing in this sense of accomplishment. We have an end in sight. A real one.

Right brain: Feel like a winner, a survivor damn it. Feel good or I’ll beat you until you do.

Left brain: *computes* … Logically that won’t work…

Right brain: / screams in frustration and goes on an irrational killer rampage

Either way, I offered to get pizza for dinner and to watch movies with him. So that’s what we sort of did. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the car, then stopped at an ABC store to get a bottle of black cherry rum.

Yep… drinking happened. It was fantastic

We went together to pick up the pizza, came back home, then started watching Hot Fuzz. It’s pretty amusing so far. But after a cup of cherry Pepsi with rum I was ready to call it quits for the night.

Me: Woooo! Lets drink and party!
Two minutes later
Me: Ok. Party’s over. Bed time.

And that’s been about it. I gave Trevor the money order, so that’s done with. I’m saving the storage unit until Monday. I have more information from the mod position. It’s less than what I was hoping for, but more than I currently have. I’m not sure about it still.

I don’t feel “here” at the moment. I’ve read of other INFJs experiencing this. How we feel detached and distant from the world around us. I want to feel here. I want to feel solid and not fuzzy. I don’t think this has anything to do with drinking last night because I had so little, and because I’ve felt like this before without drinking. I feel like this is a facet of my depression.

I feel like that annoying infection is flaring up again. Yesterday was a good day. I got a lot done. So now I’m tired and this sickness is taking advantage of that.

Infection: Hey, since you had an awesome day yesterday it’s my turn now. Feel bad. Feel very, very bad. / wavy fingers

Me: Um… no? How’s no for an answer? Oh… Not good? Well… Sucks to be you, then, because I don’t feel like feeling bad today.

I’m tired. I want to stay home. I want to fast forward through today. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to see my boss. I don’t want to pretend or play nicely with others. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t want to watch anything. I don’t want to do anything.

I feel like I don’t want a lot of things. I feel I complain a lot in my current writings.

The cats need litter, so most likely at some point shopping will happen. And in my head it’s this huge task with people, and things, and choices, and noise…

Do not want. >.<;

I haven’t looked at the kitchen, but I’m sure it’s a disaster.

It would be nice if I could envision positive situations rather than misery.

Maybe I’ll sit and cross stitch while listening to my audio book. Maybe that will be my day today.

I have a month and a half left to survive financially, and maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel real yet. He has the job, but things won’t begin to get better until the first paycheck comes in. Benefits start at date of hire, so there’s that.

Getting the mod position could help with that for a bit. I could, in theory, pay off my card. Is that worth the extra stress of an additional 25 hours of my life being taken from me each week?

I need to mediate on that. I need to do a lot of nothing for today though. Yesterday was awesome. Yesterday I kicked ass. You should see all of the scratch marks on my list. Two columns worth on a single page. That’s basically two lists. Yeah… total bad-assery happened yesterday.

I’m allowed to sit and stitch today. I’m allowed to do nothing and not feel bad while doing it.

Maybe I’ll send Zane to the store alone. Or maybe we’ll do it tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll feel up for it later and we’ll go together. Or maybe there’s another maybe that I maybe haven’t figured out yet, maybe.

Ok. I’m done with that word. Promise.

I don’t feel like writing anymore. So now that I’ve figured out everything that I’m not going to be doing… I guess it’s time to go so I can figure out what I am going to be doing, other than blissfully being a slacker.