I still feel stuck. I’m bored right now, and that doesn’t help.

 

I did a Google search for “Things to do when bored” and even those lists don’t help.

 

Listen to music. Write a story. Do a puzzle. Watch tv. Workout.

 

No, no, no, no, no, no.

 

Scrolling through the lists just makes me realize how much I don’t want to do anything. Which is sad. It’s my vacation. I should be doing lots of stuff. Not feeling lost. That’s what this whole thing is supposed to help me fix. It’s supposed to be giving me direction. But the more I think about how I’m going to be in Florida until the end of my degree the more it feels like time is stretching out in front of me, a never ending path that I’ll always be on. Stuck trudging through the same day after day after day of monotony. Always waiting. Always pushing things back.

 

And no matter what, if I make my degree a “thing”, something I want to do, then I’m here, and I think of here as stuck, so I’m stuck.

 

Arg.

 

I almost don’t want to write because right now all I’m doing is complaining. And I’m sort of tired of doing that, too.

 

I finished the latest cross stitch thing I was working on. I was trying to make a cute top for mason jars. I can’t make it work though. The pattern I have is for a specific jar that a specific company made way back in the day. I suppose I should mention that the design is from a magazine that my grandmother kept. So really I shouldn’t be surprised that the times have changed and that I’m either really bad at Google searching for what I’m trying to find, or that this is dated and that if I really want to do the thing I’m trying to do that I’m going to need to use different dimensions.

 

That’s all well and good, but it means that the work I have currently done was sort of pointless. Unless finding out that it won’t work the way I want it to currently counts, which as long as it’s a learning experience then it’s not a waste, but I really could have done without the hit to my already non-existent motivation.

 

I need to make the frame for Clavan’s gift, and I suppose I could frame this cross stitch as well since I can’t use it as the mason jar topper, but making frames is still something new to me, and at the moment I’m 100% confident that I’ll mess it up somehow and I really just want something to work at the moment.

 

At the moment I have no other projects going on. There aren’t any I really want to start either. Every time I get a stray thought of something I could do I shoot it down. It’s like my brain is stuck on “reject” mode. Nothing seems fun or inspiring. Nothing seems worth it.

 

I suppose the up side is that this isn’t depression. It’s pure apathy. Sluggishness. I don’t think it’s necessarily laziness. I’ve been up and productive all day. I just don’t feel fulfilled. None of the things I have done have moved me forward in life so what was the point?

 

I guess not having goals lined up is a big factor. I don’t know what I should be doing, so I don’t know if I’m using my time well. Sitting on Pinterest for an hour doesn’t seem like the best investment of my time, though… just a guess. I’m pretty sure some poor tree or batch of algae is regretting creating oxygen for me to waste in my directionless state.

 

I don’t think I’m going to find any answers tonight. I’m not sure if tomorrow is going to be any better. I feel caged. Trapped within my own skin. I know it’s only a matter of time before I figure it all out. I know myself well enough to see the cycle as a whole. But I hate this part. I hate the waiting, the not knowing. I hate being still. And yet nothing feels right. No action suggested is the right action, and so I continue to sit, motionless, waiting for the “right” thing to magically show itself.

 

And when it does it will seem so obvious, so “right” that I’ll wonder how I wasn’t able to think of it sooner. How it was staring me in the face the whole time.

 

But I’m not there yet. Where ever “there” is. And that’s frustrating. It makes me feel like I’m wasting time. I should enjoy the present. The here and now. I should enjoy the peace and stillness.

 

Sometimes that’s so much harder than it should be.