goals

Daily Post 118: Finding Myself

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I’m at work early because I’m supposed to do grading but I have the urge to write so I’m going to do that first.

 

It’s nice to feel like this. To have the urge to actually type things out and to process through things. It’s nice to not feel a pain inside my chest at the thought of figuring things out. I think a lot of that has to do with my therapy session yesterday. I think a lot of it has to do with recent events and how I’m starting to find things to look forward to. It’s not just a day to day existence anymore.

 

I may not have life goals yet. I haven’t gotten that far in my recovery, but I find myself genuinely smiling at the thought of the future. Things seem to be going well, and even though mom isn’t here to enjoy the forward progress with me, I know that she would be happy for me. She would smile with me and be glad.

 

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be signed off the lease for the apartment. That will be the last massive, ginormous step I have to take as far as the personal side of my life goes. It’s the last step that really requires other people. Past that it will be making sure Zane’s cool with me switching the phone plan over into his name so I can ditch Verizon for MetroPCS again.

 

I’m nervous about it. I don’t think he’s going to be a jerk tomorrow. I think he’s going to be overly sweet and try to get me to hang out. He’s going to try for the “friends” thing, and while I normally do try to maintain a friendship with my exs, this is one instance where I would rather move on. I’m not going to want to hang out. I’m not going to want to chitchat and let him know what’s been going on in my life. I didn’t invite him to my super awesome laser tag going away party for a reason. I want to finalize what I need to and be done with it.

 

I booked a room at an extended stay for the next 28 days. I check in at 3pm today. There’s a mini kitchen and a full sized fridge. I haven’t been there but the pictures look nice. There’s a bed. I seriously cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to having a bed to sleep on. I’m hoping the window lets in a nice amount of light. I’m thinking about taking my computer out of storage and setting it up in the room, space permitting. I’ve already chatted with a few friends. They’re going to let me borrow some of their extra kitchen stuff so I don’t have to go out and buy much of anything. That will be nice. I plan to return it before I leave for Vegas.

 

I want to make stuffed tomatoes for dinner tomorrow. With everything going on today I doubt I’ll be up for cooking or doing much by the time I’m actually able to spend any amount of time at the room.

 

I want to go to the gym after checking in. I need to run by Best Buy first though. The other day I bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones. With all of the kickboxing things I’ve been doing, having wired headphones gets annoying. The wire gets flung into my face or fucks with the motion of my punches. It’s distracting and throws off my groove. So I thought I would give Bluetooth a try.

 

The ones I have are alright… They stay on fine… But they feel sort of weird, and they’re not noise canceling so the sound is different. More airy. And that in itself is distracting. My brain keeps focusing on how it “doesn’t sound right,” even though it’s fine.

 

$100 is a lot to spend to only be “aright” with something. I want to see if any of the other styles / brands work better for me. So yeah, if I get to the gym today Best Buy will most likely happen first.

 

I need to go grocery shopping since I don’t have any coffee creamer. I used the last of it this morning. I’m looking forward to having my morning routine back. Cooking eggs and sitting with my coffee at the table pondering over my day and how to map things out so I’m most efficient. It’s going to be the weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll go to the storage unit and pull out things like my water filter, the computer, maybe go through my clothes again and pull out a few of my nicer tops since V and I want to meet again.

 

I think my date, because that’s what I’m going to call it, went really well the other night. I enjoyed myself. I laughed. I cried. I felt nervous. I felt acceptance. I was asked about the last time I had sex and was able to tell someone that story and begin letting go of those emotions.

 

I explained how I had felt really alone one of the mornings I had to take Zane to work. How we had cuddled in bed for a little bit. Things turned sexual and it was fine until the end.

 

I don’t know what it’s like for other people, but sometimes, when it’s over, I feel empty. Like… my partner has taken something from me, some energy, but hasn’t replaced it with anything else. Nothing has been given back. There wasn’t an exchange or a connection. It leaves me feeling cold, and… well… empty. Something is missing. I don’t feel connected and blissful, and warm, even if I am able to orgasm. There’s something about the interaction that is unfulfilling on an extremely deep and emotional level and it usually leaves me feeling alienated and alone.

 

That’s what it was like after Zane and I had sex the last time. The loneliness I had already been feeling intensified and it took a lot to hold it together. He knew that I wasn’t ok and asked what was wrong. I answered saying that it had felt good, but that I didn’t feel connected to him, I felt used, and I didn’t understand why and that I was sorry for feeling the way I did. Maybe it was just my grief messing up the experiences.

 

His reply was that he had been horny and “basically just needed a cumrag.” He said he knew I had wanted attention and that he took advantage of that.

 

I had been willing to try for friendship even with all of the shit that went down while mom was in the hospital and after her death. I was willing to let go of the betrayal of having another girl in what was supposed to be “our” bed, and accepting the fact that the sheets most likely weren’t washed when we tried cuddling the Saturday night that I got back to Orlando.

 

I was willing to let go of a lot of things because he “wanted to be friends”.

 

My friends don’t treat me like that. That wasn’t friendship. Taking advantage of my need for human interaction and closeness isn’t loving or caring. It’s manipulative. It’s fucked up, and I’m done with it. Point blank, end of story, I’m done.

 

I got to tell V about that experience and how it had made me feel. He didn’t say much about it. He let me cry. He hugged me while I did. He didn’t try to make it better because it’s not like anyone can go back and undo the past.

 

I’m still moving to Vegas. I’m still going to focus on myself. None of my plans have changed, but I’m grateful to V for making me feel like a human. For making me feel like I’m worth respect.

 

So there’s that. It was good to work through those emotions. It makes me feel like Zane doesn’t have power over me. The only way he can make me feel bad is if I let him. He isn’t going to change and I’m tired of being hurt. So it’s done. And as soon as the lease is taken care of I know I’ll feel that much freer from him, with the final cut being the phone plan.

 

Therapy was a lot of about my younger brother. He’s trying to come to Full Sail. Since I’m an alumnus and a staff member (for the moment at least) I can nominate him for a scholarship worth up to $40k. I’m looking into that. Currently waiting on an email from his admissions representative so we can see what needs to happen since Jon is currently over in Germany.

 

I feel stronger today than I have in a while. Still sort of tired and low energy. But strong. Stable. Solid.

 

In therapy the conversation turned to how I am doing so much better than when I first started my sessions. I said that it feels like I’m finding myself again, and for some reason that statement hurt and I started crying. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears running down my face and I didn’t know why. The statement hurt, but finding myself should be a good thing, right? So why was I crying?

 

I said that moving forward moves me further away from mom’s physical form. To me, the more “ok” I am, the further away from the moment of her death I become. The knee-jerk jump in my thoughts is, the further away I am from that moment, the further away I am from her.

 

I know that’s not true. The further away from that moment I become, the closer to her spiritual presence I become. Our relationship isn’t over, it’s just different. But there is some part of me, some section of my brain that cries out in anguish whenever I think about moving forward. I think about every new accomplishment I want to achieve. Belt testing for taekwondo. Becoming a CNA. Running another Warrior Dash.

 

I think of all of these things and what it would be like to accomplish them and part of me screams in pain because those thoughts are almost instantly followed with the thought of “Mom won’t be there.”

 

That thought feels like having something punched through my chest. It’s not a cut. It’s not a sharp pain. It’s a gaping hole of agony and normally the only thing I can do is vocalize that pain. I scream as loud as I can in my car. I cry. I grip the steering wheel so hard my hands hurt because there’s nothing for me to tear apart or punch or thrash. I scream over and over and over until the pain is finally bearable and my voice is so raw I can’t talk. I scream until it’s finally something I can simply cry over, and then I cry and whimper and sound like a beaten animal because that’s what I feel like. And then… eventually… I’m quiet and exhausted and spent and there’s a stillness inside me. A peace. An acceptance. And normally I go home and sleep. I have nothing left in me to give to anything else after those moments.

 

My mom won’t be there, physically, for any of the achievements in my life. She won’t be there to wrap her arms around me. She won’t be there to do the “I told you so” dance when I do fantastic. She won’t be there to wink at me, or smile, or for her eyes to dance and glitter with happiness for me.

 

Mom will never physically be here ever again.

 

But she’s not gone and I have so many instances to prove that. The one that comes to mind the strongest is the night I slept curled around her urn. I know she was there. I know she was holding me, and even now I can feel her presence behind me like a slight weight on my shoulders.

 

I know that my knee jerk thought of “Mom isn’t here,” isn’t the thought I truly believe. It’s a reactive thought. And for me, it’s an unhealthy thought.

 

So yeah… that’s where I’m at today. I’m finding myself again. In the landscape of my mind I’ve started for find pieces of myself and I’ve started to put them back where they belong. I’m looking at things and questioning if I want to keep them or not. Change them, maybe?

 

What do I want?

 

I still don’t know, but I’m figuring it out and that gives me some sort of resolve I guess. I’ve started doing it, so I know it can be done. It makes me feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’m on my feet again, and knowing that I’m making progress, that my journey isn’t over, makes me feel secure in myself.

 

I’ll make it through this and I’m finally starting to believe those words.

Letters to Mom 005: Month 2

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Hey mom.

 

Those words still make me cry. I think they will for a while.

 

I’m in a hotel room again. They don’t make me feel better. I don’t know if it really does any good to get them. It’s quiet. I’m alone. Maybe that counts for something. Maybe it gives me the time I need to rest so I can make it through the week. I spend most of these days, the “hotel days” in bed. Not really sleeping. Sometimes I do. It’s still hard to sleep in general.

 

I slept curled around your urn the other night. It felt like you were with me. It felt like the one afternoon I can remember in Georgia. I don’t remember how old I was. Young. You told me that we were going to take a nap. We laid down together and I couldn’t sleep so I stayed awake, on my side with your arm wrapped around me, staring out the window listening to the wind blowing through the leaves of the tree outside. I listened to your breathing. I felt your warmth. And as a child I waited for the magic hour where you would let me get up and go do something because I was so bored just laying there.

 

I wish I could back to then and tell myself to cherish that moment because as I got older we wouldn’t take naps together anymore.

 

I wish I could tell myself to cherish every moment I had with you because one day there wouldn’t be more. One day it would end.

 

I cried all night that night mom. I cried so much it hurt and even then I couldn’t stop. I just wanted you to come back even though I knew you were there with me. I want you to be here the way you used to be. The way where I could hug you for real and have you hug me back and tell me that things really will be ok.

 

It’s bright outside right now. I’m sure if I went out it would be warm. It’s summer. I should be enjoying it. But I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t know where to go. When I’m inside and alone I can cry if I want to. No one is here to be bothered by it to or try to make it better. I’m allowed to just be. Apathetic. Numb. Angry. Sad. Reminiscent. Even happy sometimes. I remember the good times and even though they hurt they make me happy because I was so happy with you.

 

It’s cold in the hotel room. I keep thinking that I should turn the temperature up but it seems like so much effort. It seems pointless. I keep telling myself the sheet I have wrapped around me is warm enough but I look outside and I know that I really don’t feel alive or warm right now. I’m existing, not living. And I don’t know how to change that.

 

I want to sit outside under a tree and cry my eyes out. I want to be outside in the sun and warmth. I want to be around nature. I don’t want to miss another summer like I did when I was depressed because Zane was unemployed. I’m tired of missing my season.

 

I talked to Jason the other day. He was driving home from work and we talked the whole time. I bet it was a lot like when he would call you. I miss him. Even though we don’t really hug or anything I miss being around him. We understand each other’s quiet I guess. We’re so similar. We always were. It doesn’t matter that he’s a half brother. To me he’s the purest family I have next to Jon. He couldn’t be more my brother if he tried.

 

I’m still waiting and I guess that’s another thing that makes it hard to feel motivated about anything. I’m waiting for this last month of work to end. I’m waiting for Zane to let me know about the apartment. I’m waiting for Allison to let me know when I can get a plane ticket to visit her. I’m waiting. I’m waiting. So it feels like there’s nothing to really do other than sit here.

 

I don’t know how to occupy my time other than to go to the gym, and that leaves me so sore sometimes because I push myself. I don’t eat well. I don’t sleep well. I don’t drink enough water. So it’s really no surprise I’m not performing well.

 

There’s a pond across from the hotel. I can see it from my window. I can hear birds. There are trees along the bank covering the grass with shade. There’s a breeze, just like that day we took a nap together. I can see the branches swaying. It looks so nice mom. I wish you were here to go on a walk with me. I wish you were here for me to talk to. I miss your voice so much. I miss your warmth.

 

I want to be able to do something. I want to not be waiting. I’ve never been good at waiting. Waiting on the plane to see if you were still alive when I got to Vegas. Waiting for your ashes to come back from the funeral home. Waiting to go back to Orlando. Waiting to go back to Vegas to be with Jason.

 

Always waiting. I don’t want to wait alone. I don’t want to be trapped in my own head, but alone is the only time I can truly think and process. The only time that I can figure out what MY thoughts are rather than all of the noise around me. And my thoughts hurt. And so I find myself crying, or missing you, writing to you. I find myself sad and staying inside where I leave it too cold rather than going outside and trying to live and heal.

 

My goal today, mom. The one thing I’m going to do today is go outside and sit under that tree. I’m going to do it for you. For me. Because I said I would be strong and that I wouldn’t fall to pieces.

 

Today is two months without you, and maybe that’s why going outside seems like such an impossible task right now. But I’m going to do it. I’m going to sit outside and get sunlight and fresh air even if it’s only for five minutes. I said I wouldn’t waste my days. That I would live life to the fullest. That I wouldn’t stay in bed. I said I would shower and eat at least one meal every day. I said I would take care of myself and that I would keep going.

 

You wanted me to be happy in life and I’m trying so hard, mom. I really am. But right now the best I can do is survive. I can’t be happy yet. Not like I was.

 

So I guess I need to go for now so I can shower and get dressed and go sit under my tree. I’m most likely going to cry and I’m sorry for that, but I promise that I’ll make it through today. I love you, mom. I miss you.

Daily Post 115: Still Around

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I’m supposed to be grading. Well… not really supposed to be. It’s something that needs to get done and I’ve been putting it off, and I had told myself I would do it now, but oh look… I’m writing instead.

 

I haven’t been writing a lot. I haven’t really wanted to. Thinking back on my days, a lot of them have been pretty good. Some of them have had their bad moments, sure, but overall I think things are going. “Going well” might be a bit too much positive for me right now, but they’re going.

 

So why this aversion to writing?

 

I don’t know, but even as I sit here in lab and type this out I can feel discomfort in my chest of doing this action. A sadness, an ache, that I can’t place or really identify yet. This might be a short post because of it.

 

I went running last night. The area I’m staying in isn’t the best, but I didn’t care. I ran anyway. I’m not a dainty little blond who looks like an easy target, not that dainty little blonds look like easy targets… No offense meant to anyone who fits that description…

 

If someone tried to jump me my mentality is, “I don’t have to win, but you’re sure as hell going down with me.” I like to think I project that vibe, and I needed to run last night. Legit need, not want. And I’m glad that I did. It’s the first time that I’ve run off of the treadmill in a while so of course I didn’t pace myself well, but I’m happy with my time and I’m happy that I did it. It was the first time in almost a week that I had done anything really physical since I’m pretty sure sitting on the beach doesn’t count.

 

I went to the gym again today where I ran, on the treadmill this time, and did a core workout from Zen Labs. I had a salad afterwards. Nothing special or fancy. Trying to stick to eating well even though I know I’m not eating or drinking often enough. The more I workout the more that issue will fix itself. So again, glad that I made it to the gym.

 

I know I’m not doing as well as I could, and right now I don’t care. I’m doing. And that’s more than I want to on some days. A couple days ago was the first time I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. The type of “I don’t want to move” that stems from depression. I wasn’t sore from working out. I wasn’t tired from not sleeping. I was just sad. And it sucked. And I didn’t want to move.

 

But I did.

 

I’m still going to therapy, and that’s helping.

 

I’m still dealing with Zane and that’s not helping.

 

I don’t feel like there’s really a lot to write about…

 

I’ve started playing Magic Duel on the Xbox. I can see myself getting lost in the game. I feel like I should be asking myself all sorts of super deep questions like “what is my mission statement?” or “what do I want out of life now?” but I’m not. I’m going day to day for the most part. I get tired easily. After a few errands, even ones as simple as checking my PO box, I get exhausted. Which is weird because I’m normally pumped after the gym…

 

You would think the gym would take the most out of me, but it’s one of the few things that makes me feel actually alive. I sweat, I breath, I try, I push, I strain, and in the end I feel better, more real.

 

I guess all of the little things I do through the day feel so pointless because they don’t really do much for me. Why is it so important to check the mail? Why do I have to call people back, or reply to emails? Why do I have to put in time and effort for all of these “things”?

 

I feel like a lot of things are superficial and pointless right now and that makes them draining rather than restoring. The text message conversations with Zane are emotionally draining and leave me with depressing thoughts of “what did I do that was so wrong” which I know are misplaced thoughts. I did nothing wrong and the only thing I can do is accept how the situation unfolded and move forward in a direction that is healthy for me.

 

And I guess that’s how I should look at it. Even if I do get tired, even if I do have bad days, or bad hours, I keep moving a little bit each day. Some days I move forward more than others. I don’t have a destination right now. I honestly think my biggest focus is not falling back down because I feel like the situation with Zane isn’t over yet. I feel like there’s a lot still lingering under a false, fake surface of calm.

 

I’m going to explore getting out of the phone plan with him, and until I’m off the lease for the apartment there’s always going to be that tether. I don’t think I’ll feel completely ok, completely safe emotionally, financially, until all ties are gone. So, in that regard, there are two left.

 

I don’t feel like writing more, so I guess I’ll end it here. I’m doing alright. I’m still around. Still sort of emo but hanging in there.

 

Have an awesome day and take a moment to smile at someone. I know those small, random moments of kindness have helped me make it through the day on more than one occasion.

Daily Post 099: Bright Eyed, Bushy Tailed

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It’s 6am and I’ve already cooked and eaten breakfast. Currently working on my cup of coffee with another glass to my left… It’s staring at me… I should be drinking it instead of my coffee so I stay on top of my water intake, but… coffee… and caffeine… and all of the things that are bad for me but so good at the same time…

 

Yeah… my water will continue to sit there and guilt trip me for a while until I finally break down and finish it off.

 

Anywho. I would say that I’m up bright and early but I’ve been awake since 3am and there’s nothing bright about three am.

 

I’m not even frustrated or annoyed that I woke up when I did. I went to sleep around 11, exhausted, slept super, crazy deep, and woke up rested and wide awake even though I didn’t want to be up initially.

 

When I finally realized that I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep I got up and finished working on my homework. I would have done more with it, but the Internet is acting screwy. Most of the pages I try to go to won’t load. My email and Facefail being just two of the many sites that give me a load error. Google won’t work, but Bing will. It’s annoying. I would have liked to finish creating my PDF, but whatever. I found other things to keep myself entertained with, like writing. : D

 

Yesterday ended up being a good day. I got to talk to RB for a little bit. That was emotionally charged for me, but in a good way. Healing I think. It felt nice to feel understood and less like I’m an insane, hormonal female who’s super finicky and demanding with high expectations for all life forms on Earth, including piles of rocks… which I am… but feeling human is nice sometimes and that’s what I felt like during our conversation.

 

I fixed the bike seat finally. This bike issue was totally self-inflicted. Seems like forever ago now… Back before December was it? I can’t honestly recall when, but I know at some point I tried switching the bike seats between Zane’s bike and the one I got from Frank. Didn’t really care for the wider seat, so I switched back to Zane’s, which is narrower.

 

When I put the seat back on it was tilted up slightly. No biggie. It’s not that bad. Only… after months of riding like that… yeah… it’s that bad. I’ve just been a slacker about fixing it, putting it off because, “I’ll do it before I go into work,” only to realize what time it is and rush through my shower to dash off in order to be on time. Other days I’m just not in the mood to do anything so it goes undone. I guess on the positive side… I’ve never complained about it because I know it was my fault and I wasn’t doing anything about it even though I could have easily fixed it, like I did yesterday.

 

I took the bike down the stairs with my Allen wrenches, took everything apart, rearranged it the way it should have been, even raised the seat a bit since I’ve been getting less extension in my legs recently, rode it around, and labeled my amazing mechanical feat a success.

 

The ride to work was so much nicer. The weather has been amazing recently, and een though it’s been a little windy, it’s been nice and warm. Super sunny. It’s still cool at night. Cool enough to need my sweater, but it’s not the freezing, hard to breath because I’m inhaling ice, type of cold. Just a little on the nippy side.

 

We’ve had the windows open at the apartment all week, airing out the rooms and enjoying the fresh breezes as they blow in.

 

The new room has a window facing East, so in the morning I wake up to warm sunlight lighting the room. Scarlet has a new spot under the computer desk where the light hits. She naps there, basking, for most of the day. It feels a lot like when I lived at home with my mom. The room is much bigger than the one I had, but the feelings are the same for some reason. I wake up in the morning on my own because my schedule is so late that I don’t need an alarm. In a way that makes everyday have a weekend vibe to it.

 

The mornings are slow, lazy, unrushed. I wake up and stay in bed watching Scarlet sleep, thinking about how I feel, what I want to do, what I need to do. Lately I’ve been waking up and having to fight off my evil voice and the sadness that goes along with it. I meditate on that for a while, slowly trying to unravel the tangled mess of a knot, but eventually I get up. I don’t stay in bed, moping, and I don’t let the negativity eat away at me. I’ve still been pretty productive this whole week. And I’m super happy that this is the first week in almost two months that I’ve actually biked the whole week to work, there and back. I’m going to hit close to 50 miles again and that makes me happy and proud of myself.

 

One of the reasons I didn’t write for so long was because I was sucking hard core with the bike. My legs were so sore by the end of my rides and I was on such a low gear. Most of that I think was due to being so sick, added to all of the days that I got rides to and from work. My endurance took a huge hit and I was struggling to get back to where I had been before my race.

 

It sucked feeling like I was doing poorly. It was hard to keep everything in perspective. Any workout is better than no workout, and all I can do is my best, and that fluctuates from day to day. I’m not always going to break my records. Sometimes I’m going to be tired or sore or just not feeling it. It was so much easier to focus on the fact that I was slower, I was breathing harder than I “should have been”, and that I didn’t want to ride because I “wasn’t doing good enough”.

 

That was how Monday started. And each day I rode, and each day I’ve gotten better. Last night I finally made it back to my top gear. I didn’t stay on it the whole time, but just making it there made me swell with pride. I didn’t give up, mostly because I didn’t have much of a choice if I still wanted my paycheck, but because I didn’t quit, because I pushed through it, I got better. And here was my proof that I had gotten better. Something that seemed so impossible only four days ago was totally happening, even if it was making my quads burn more than it used to. That’s fine. Let them burn. I’ll have quads of steel before the summer’s up.

 

I don’t really have much else to say. I came home. Zane and I talked for a bit. Things are still awkward between us, but we were able to sit in the living room together. He slept in the room, I took the couch. Hannah’s couch is actually pretty awesome. Much better than John’s. Zane is going to be heading to work shortly, so I’ll be able to take the bed if I want. Not really sure I will at the moment. I’m awake still so I’ll most likely keep picking away at my to-do list until I feel the urge to nap.

 

Saturday I hope to get a bunch of chores done. I already have a to-do list roughed out for the weekend. Nothing is set in stone, but I have an idea of what should happen when. I’ve even gone through and meal planned what I want for the coming week.

 

I recently tried a new recipe that turned out pretty awesome. Chicken Parmesan Soup. It wasn’t all that soupy for me, but I’m sure if more broth was added it would be wetter. I liked it was only 4 cups though, mostly because I like creamy verses soupy.

 

At some point this month I need to do my taxes. I haven’t done a complete brain dump in a while, going through all the areas of my life and writing out what needs / should / aught to happen or get done, but I’ve got a mini dump for this month. Maybe I’ll go through and do my 30-day challenge thing again. Not this week, but maybe soon, just to make sure I’m on the right track.

 

I’m on course to get everything on my “this week” list done, which is a nice feeling. I hope I can keep with it. So far I’ve been acing my daily to-do lists. And the tasks for the rest of the month don’t seem all that intimidating when I have it broken down into sections the way I do. Small bite sized pieces.

 

I think today will be an alright day. A long one maybe if I’m not able to get back to sleep, but a good one. Finishing off the homework will make me feel good, productive. It will also, hopefully, allow me to work on the project assignment during the Shading and Lighting lab today. The more I can get done with that, the easier Saturday and Sunday will be.

Daily Post 098: So… It’s Been a While…

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I don’t know if I want to write. But I haven’t in a while so I sort of feel obligated to. There’s also this confusing mess where most of the posts I’ve seen recently talk about viewers and followers and building your blog and blah blah blah, and that’s not what mine is about. But since that’s all I’ve been reading it makes me feel like I’m  doing things “wrong”, and so there’s the added pressure of thinking “no one wants to read about my boring, self-inflicted life bs”. But that’s what my blog is for. It’s for me to write, and whine, and cry, and laugh, and ramble, and do whatever the F I want because it’s my blog, for me, my mental health. It’s not for followers and now I feel like I’m going on a tangent and mildly ranting when really I’m not mad at anyone.

 

/sigh

 

Hannah is moved in. John is moved out. Trevor and Danielle have been packing. There is so much more space in the apartment now. It’s so much cleaner, and that aspect of it will only get better in the coming weeks.

 

Hannah is super extroverted, so any time I so much as move I’m guaranteed a conversation. I am worried this is going to wear on me and that I will become resentful and feel trapped any time I’m at home. It doesn’t help that she has a light work / school load so the past days she’s been home the same times I have been. I get very little “alone” time, though right now seems to be ok. She’s in the living room and I’m in my room, typing on my desktop that I have set up.

 

I was able to clear up a crap ton of space on my solid state drive. 68 gigs actually. I reinstalled MS Office though I need to look at buying a license for that. It’s on the to-do list for next pay check actually. Already written down so it’s official.

 

The room Zane and I moved into, John’s old room, is pretty much set up the way I want it. I need to hang the cards from my mom, but that’s the last thing for the room. The rest of it is buying things for the bathroom, or curtains. Little things that would make it better, but aren’t really needed.

 

I’m super tight on money right now. I had to pay an extra 100 for the electricity deposit since we need to change the account over to our names rather than Trevor’s. I have to pay the storage unit for an extra month since we agreed keeping everything where it’s at will make moving easier in the long run.  I was super irresponsible and spent about 50 at Home Depot so I could organize the closet better, along with going out to eat a handful of times with Zane. I’ll survive though. I’ve been in much worse situations. I also paid 500 on the credit card. Which is a whole story…

 

I guess my card was “compromised” so Bank of America wanted to be nice and responsible. They canceled my card to make sure fraudulent activity wouldn’t occur and issued me a new one, which should have arrived in seven to ten business days. No biggie. I didn’t need the card right away. I could make it until the card got here.

 

Guess what never showed up and almost screwed me over? Yeah. My new credit card. I called on Monday asking if it had been sent out. Was told that it had. Responded with, well I don’t have it and I need it to make a payment and to buy groceries. Could my old card be reactivated so I could use it? No it couldn’t. Was there any way I could get money moved over into my debit account so I could do the things I needed to do? No. There wasn’t. They could issue me a new card which would arrive in seven to ten business days.

 

Fuck you, Bank of America. I’m so sick of you guys fucking up my financial life. I’m lucky that I’m resourceful and that I have people who are understanding in my life otherwise I would have been screwed. I got the card so I could have it to use when I needed it, not for you to take it away and make my life harder.

 

Just another reason I want so desperately to pay off the fucking credit card so I can move to a different bank. Nothing but stress and shit service.

 

Anyway. Last night was actually pretty cool, which sort of twists around another story, so I guess I’ll just start with work since that’s really where it begins and why last night happened in the first place.

 

I’m working 5pm to 1am this month. I thought it was for both classes, which would have been fine; at least it’s a consistent schedule. Character Rigging ended up only being one lab though, so part of my days are only 5pm to 9pm. Yay for admin hours which get to be used for homework time.

 

I don’t have to set my alarm to wake up. I get most of the morning to myself, though now that Hannah is here I’m questioning how true that comment is. Overall it’s been alright even if it is sort of crazy hours.

 

Down side. I can’t use the car. At all. I don’t have time to pick Zane up from work and get to the school on time for labs. He doesn’t get home early enough for me to wait for the car. That means I can’t do any errands during the week because he has the car the whole day. Any “doing” that I need to do has wait until I get home from work.

 

Because of that I did laundry at 1 in the morning last night, along with shopping at Walmart because we needed a new water filter and cat litter. And part of me is resentful that I had to go out to the store because what was Zane doing for the eight hours I was at work that he couldn’t go pick it up?

 

Rational side of things. It’s my week to do groceries and I was going out to do laundry anyway so what does it matter? At least it kept me from sitting and being bored for a few hours. If it was such a big deal I could have asked him to do it. It would have been awesome if he was considerate or “adult” enough to realize it needed to be done and to have taken the initiative on his own to do it rather than having me ask like a parent.

 

“Now, honey. Please clean your room. You know how icky it gets when you leave it messy.”

 

If I wanted a kid I would get pregnant. Or try, since I’m polycystic and most likely can’t. Blrag. Premise still stands. I don’t want to micro manage someone since I have a hard enough time keeping up with my own shit. A companion should make life easier not harder.

 

And that’s another hawt mess, which I haven’t forgotten about the store story, but tangents…

 

Since I’m back to biking everywhere and upping how often I go to the gym since I’m not deathly ill, it’s warming up, and in general I’m feeling better in a few areas of my life, my sex drive is back up, and guess what’s not getting fulfilled. Yeah. The sex part. Not really much else to say about that other than I’m still frustrated and because of how my schedule and Zane’s schedule line up I only see him as he’s leaving for work in the morning or going to sleep at night. Like not even twenty minutes of face time. So the whole lack of sex thing most likely won’t get fixed anytime in the near future, not that it would have gotten fixed anyway because he’s allergic to sex. Not really, but I’m being self-deprecating at the moment and it’s making some sick, twisted part of my brain happy to be mean and think shit like that.

 

I’m improving myself. Apparently that means I don’t deserve sex anymore. This is the complete opposite result of what I was expecting.

 

There are other things going on. I don’t think I’m cool with the marriage idea anymore. Would it be nice to have Zane travel with me? Sort of. I don’t think it’s worth the stress or fighting. I think what I truly want is to live alone again. I think what I really crave is my own space.  I’m tired of coming home like I have the past three nights and the 10 minutes of time I get to see him before he goes to bed is some  confrontational spat where “I’m upset with him so he’s going to leave me alone.”

 

I’m not upset. I’m not mad. I just got done biking 3.5 miles and I feel like crap because I know you won’t hug me because you think sweat is gross, which means I’m gross. I’m unworthy. That’s what’s going through my brain. And I’ve told you that. All I want is to feel like everything I do means something, earns me something.  But it doesn’t. It feels like a vast pit of pointless nothingness. I’m sweaty and gross so you can have the car to get to and from work. It’s my car. I’m the one paying 300 a month for something I don’t even get to use except for joy rides on the weekends, maybe. It depends on if I have work, or if you want to do something, or if it’s raining and the weather is shitty, or if there are other import life things going on like moving people in / out.

 

Can’t I at least get a hug and a kiss and a “how was your day?” to make it seem like you actually care about my life rather than absently talking about work while you play on your phone and show that I’m not worth your attention.

 

Maybe I’m way more angsty over all of this than I realized. I’m still hurt. I still ache in my chest because for almost four days now I haven’t had a hug. I’ve slept on the couch because it doesn’t feel right to crawl into bed next to Zane when he’s asleep and things feel not ok between us.

 

I’ve gone to the  apartment office and done all of the tasks he’s asked me to do since he can’t make it there to do the things himself. I’ve cooked all of the meals this week. I did the laundry. I’ve taken care of my homework and stayed on top of my new class, Digital Publishing this month, fun stuff.

 

I’m tired of doing. I’m tired of hurting and feeling like it’s never enough to get the things that I want out of a relationship. So yeah, I’ll most likely be going into the military alone, to be alone. To move forward with what I want. And maybe this is all just angry, hurt writing and things will get better and I just need to talk to him and not enough time has passed for changes to occur, but I don’t think that’s what it is.

 

I think this is a pattern that has been there since I moved in. Maybe before I moved in.  While parts of the apartment and living situation are better, there are some things that haven’t changed. The reality I had built up and envisioned inside of my head isn’t the reality I live in, and that disconnect, that difference, is where my pain stems from. I know it’s because of me. I know in a way it’s not fair.

 

Right now, typing on my blank pages, writing my feelings, my thoughts, I don’t care that it’s not fair. I don’t care about letting go and not wanting and being enlightened and taking the higher path. Right now I want to be angry and hurt because until I acknowledge that I feel that way it’s just going to fester and continue to poison me. I feel like I’ve started slipping back into old habits where I put another person before my own happiness and that’s why I feel the way I do.

 

I shouldn’t need Zane to make me happy. I shouldn’t expect him to do things because he cares about me, and then get upset when it doesn’t happen. I’m happier when I take care of things myself because I feel independent, resourceful, and competent. I don’t owe anyone anything when I do it myself. I’m not let down by myself when I take the initiative rather than waiting or asking. I’m an adult. I can do things myself. Including fixing my life, and just because I fix it doesn’t mean other people have the right to ride along for free. Which that’s pretty harsh, even in my head. But that’s what it feels like.

 

I’m still owed two thousand dollars for all of the expenses I covered with Zane was unemployed. I’m still paying crazy interest on the credit card while he saves money to go to California to visit Nik who he’ll most likely have sex with because that’s the type  of relationship they have. I’m not a priority. I knew that from the beginning. I don’t know why it’s taken almost a year for it to finally sink in. I don’t even know if it really has. Maybe it’s starting to and that’s what all of this is. Maybe I needed to be pushed to a certain point where the INFJ “zero fucks given” shadow traits come out and I just stop caring and move forward with or without the other person.

 

I’m going in a “this way” direction, and I’m not going to compromise on it. I’m not going to let depression eat away and steal another summer from me. I’m not going to make plans around another person. I’m going to do what I need to do to get to where I want to be because it’s my life and I’m tired of living it for other people.

 

So back to the story of the shopping trip last night… There are moments where I am shown that the world is still an ok place and that good people, kind people, compassionate people, still exist and that my black and jaded view of the world isn’t the proper view. It’s a focused view, one singling out the negative, blinding me to the positive things around me.

 

After putting the clothes into the wash I went to Walmart for the water filter and the cat litter. As I walked to the aisle with the filters I noticed that several of them were roped off with ‘caution’ tape. I kept walking to see what was going on. Maybe I would be able to still get to the filter I needed. No luck though. They were waxing the floor. Lame… maybe if I go get the litter first and then come back they’ll be done and I can get the filter.

 

So that’s what I did. Picked up a box of cat litter and walked back, but no luck. The aisle I needed was still roped off. I looked around, saw an older woman stocking some shelves and walked up to her asking, “Is it possible to get a water filter? The aisle I need to get to is roped off.”

 

She wasn’t all that helpful, saying nope, no one can go down there, especially if the floor is wet. I was bummed and started to walk away when she said to follow her. So I did. We walked down to the aisle, and, of course, saw the floors were wet.

 

“Nope. Can’t do down there,” was her frank, pretty callous and uncaring reply.

 

There was a man with a mop on a different aisle. He saw us and asked if everything was ok.

 

“I was hoping to get a water filter.” I said.

 

“Which one?” he asked as he waked to the shelves where they were lined up.

 

“A Zero Water filter. The black box. One shelf up.” I said as his hands moved over the boxes looking for the one I could clearly see, so close, yet so far away and out of my reach.

 

He found the box, picked it up, and walked over to me, passing it into my own hands which held the box as if it were the most precious thing I had ever been given.

 

“Oh my gosh. Thank you so incredibly much. You have no idea. You just made my entire night.” I said with the biggest smile. He seemed so shocked at my gratitude, a genuine smile spreading across his own face. The woman scoffed at my reaction, saying something more about how no one was supposed to walk on the floor and how it was better him than her as she walked away, back to be a grouch as she stalked her shelves.

 

That one action, as simple and mundane and totally none lifesaving as it was, seriously was the kindest thing anyone could have done for me. He didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to stop his work to make my life easier. He could have been uncaring, unfeeling like the woman. Instead he took a moment out of his life to do something for me, and even thinking about it makes me want to cry a little in a weird “I’m not sad I’m just feeling super intense feelings right now” sort of way that most people don’t understand because only about 1% of the total population thinks the way I do.

 

I didn’t have to worry about waking up early before Zane left for work to run back to the store for the filter. I didn’t have to wait until the following night to try to go back out again. I was able to scratch something off of my to-do list because one person was kind to me.

 

All of the warm feels.

 

Along the same lines… I got a card in the mail from one of my blogging buddies. I love you so much Mama Spike! Thank you for my card! I sent you an email but I’m not sure if that is a primary email address for you or not, so I’m not sure if you received it. I wanted you to know that your card came through fine and that it totally made my morning when I read it. Again, thank you so incredibly much. You’re amazing!

 

I feel a bit better for writing. I guess it was one of those things that needed to happen even though I didn’t want to do it in the beginning. Lots of other things have happened. Different events that I’m sure were important at the time but I don’t feel like writing about them now, or remembering them in clearer detail. I feel written out and I’m pretty sure I covered the important stuff. I covered my feelings and the events that have been affecting me the most.

 

I’m pretty content with that at the moment.

Daily Post 086: The Weekend and Marriage?

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Dear Grammar Nazis,

Too long, didn’t proof read. : D

Love,
Warrior Freya

 

Yesterday was a lot of playing catch-up from my slacking off during the later portion of last week.

 

I got my last project done for my History of Visual Communications class. Two days late. I also didn’t create the assets I used from scratch, so I don’t even really know if the project will count. But I really don’t care because I loved the project and I like the way it turned out. A rubric doesn’t grade skill, or the learning experience.

 

Even if I get a zero on the project I’ll pass the class with an 80 because I got 100s on pretty much everything else. Except that one discussion post that I got a 95 on because I didn’t specifically mention at least one piece of artwork. Forget all of the amazing points I made. Because I didn’t name drop I can’t get a 100.

 

The perfectionist in me understands, but there is a part of me that looks at the assignment and goes, “This is part of the problem with our system.” It really didn’t measure anything. But I really don’t feel like going on a tangent about that, so I’m not going to.

 

I should have my final grade either today or tomorrow. It will be cool to see the comments from my instructor. She always has interesting ones.

 

It’s been so long since I wrote that I really don’t know where to start. I think the last day I wrote about was Friday. Jeez, almost a week of not writing… so much lame. It’s hard to remember the order of things so this is most likely going to be a long, rambling post.

 

Zane and I did date day on Friday. So the last day I actually wrote about was Thursday then. My day off. The day I sat and watched Boondocks for most of it.

 

Lets see then… Friday was a day of admin hours, so I didn’t have any requirements on my time. I was supposed to do the grading and work on my project, but I didn’t. Instead Zane and I sort of had a “Come to [insert deity here] meeting”. Through text because he was at work, but it was a pretty honest conversation, and it left me super introspective and shelled up for most of the day, so the gym didn’t happen either.

 

I believe the conversation started off by him asking if I was all right, which I actually really wasn’t and I told him that. I didn’t have a reason to feel sad or lonely, but I did, and I wanted to cry. Some how the subject turned to Nik and how he was feeling about that. More twists and turns in the conversation and the subject of California came up.

 

Zane has plans to move out there to open a business, and there’s a lot of perks for going to California, but the real reason behind it all was because that’s where Nik is, and Zane felt like everything in his future is uncertain now because she is marrying someone.

 

I said that the only reason I would move to California was because of him, so even though California would be an amazing move for me as far as my career goes, it’s not why I would do it. So in that regard I understood. He said he knew if we were to “hypothetically” break up that day, that California would be the one place I wouldn’t go now, because it’s something that is important to us, and if there is no us I wouldn’t want to be there.

 

He’s right. It would hurt to be there. I would think about the “what ifs” that could never happen. It would be hard for me because it wouldn’t be how it was supposed to be, so I would want to avoid it all together. I also made a joke about not breaking up “today”, that we were breaking up “tomorrow”. Leave it to me to add humor into a super for serious conversation. XD

 

The subject of what we wanted to do with our lives followed shortly after. I mentioned how I still wanted to travel, to which Zane replied that he wants to as well but he needs time and money to do that, and currently he has neither.

 

Enter in topic of the military again. Traveling is one of the main reasons I want to join still. That and paying off debt. And a ton of other pros and not a whole lot of cons.

 

Except for the cons that most of the people I have dated haven’t wanted me to join. Which has been my deterrent in the past, and now I don’t want to leave Zane. I know that’s sort of silly. I know I should be making decisions that will make me happy and move me forward to where I want to be. But I’m not ready to leave him for whatever reason.

 

Maybe it’s the fear of being alone again. Maybe it’s actually love, though I don’t think it’s love like “ ’til death do us part”. I haven’t looked all that hard at it at the moment what with making sure life doesn’t crash down around me. Damn you Past Self for being a slacker.

 

Anyway, I told Zane that the military for me would be a smart move, but that I haven’t really moved on it since being with him because I want to actually be with him. He responded with saying that I should do it before I miss out on the opportunity forever, and if he did go with me what would he do?

 

I said he could work on base, or go back to school like he wants. Pretty much whatever he wanted to do other than sit at home playing video games all day, but that’s where a lot of my conflict stems from. The only way he could be with me if I were to join the military is if he was my spouse.

 

Insert references to when we first started dating and he said that he would leave for California with out me, he didn’t want to marry because he loved Nik, and that we would eventually break up anyway.

 

Why on Earth would I have even thought that him going with me was a possibility?

 

I said that talking / typing about the subject bothered me because I didn’t want him to think I had actually been putting thought into this possibility, because I haven’t. It made me feel vulnerable because I didn’t need to hear him reaffirm the fact that it would never happen.

 

His response was that we would talk about the possibility that night. At the time my brain wasn’t able to process that information in a positive way. My fingers high jacked the keyboard and continued to pour out all of the anxiety that was building in my chest.

 

I went on to say how I didn’t want to lose Zane and that I knew that sounded really clingy and weak and how I appreciated him for putting up with me. I told him that I didn’t want to be just some person who is part of his life for a short period of time and then leaves and have our friendship / dynamic fade into the past like it meant nothing. I didn’t want to be “just a person” to him.

 

I said that he means a lot to me and the thought of him not being there isn’t a fun thought. It hurts and I don’ t like it, so I want to avoid things that make it pop up.

 

Zane: Do I need to copy paste?

Me: No. I love you. Just letting my brain rape the keyboard through my fingers. I do feel better. Who doesn’t feel better after keyboard rape?

Zane: I didn’t consent to this rape joke.

Me: Yes you did. Because that’s how consent works.

 

Sorry if that offends anyone. I found it humorous though and it helped ease over the earthquake going on inside my head.

 

We agreed we would talk about it later. I said I was going to the gym. Which I didn’t do.

 

Instead I biked to school. Originally I was only going to bike to the gas station. Roughly two miles. It’s been so long since I’ve biked. At least it feels that way. But I got to the light across the street from the station and was like, “Nope. We’re going all the way.”

 

So I went all the way to school, and I’m happy I did. The weather was awesome. Not a super strong wind, lots of sun, mostly warm, too. I went into the break room and got one of my tuna lunches with a bottle of water and ate outside at one of the tables, letting the sun warm my back and shoulders.

 

I got to let my brain settle down a little. Zane and I had broached a super sensitive subject and the world was still turning. Fire and brimstone didn’t fall from the sky. It was actually a really nice day so far and here I was pumped up with endorphins again. Yeah. Good day.

 

I biked back home after resting for a bit. So no gym, but a good workout non-the less.

 

Zane had written an email listing out hypothetical rules he would want in place if we were to hypothetically get married. I agreed with all of them. I wrote a six page email in response, explaining why I wanted to join the military, because I felt the need to go into that, along with what I would expect / want.

 

Neither of us would want anything fancy. It would be a courthouse thing. We would exchange torcs instead of rings. It would be an open marriage. It would be more a partnership really. I mean… there’s still love, but it’s not the “newly wed, let’s go on a honeymoon” sort of love.

 

I still need to explore this, but we did talk about it more Friday night while we were doing date night. We went to Tibby’s New Orleans Kitchen. It was the first time I had been there. The food was all right, but I honestly can’t say I would go back there again unless someone else super wanted to go. It seemed over priced and I know I can do better at home.

 

It was a really nice night though. I got to dress nice and do my hair. No slacker slackin’ here. Having a face-to-face conversation after all of the emotions had run their course was really nice, too. It was logical, open, non-confrontational or defensive.

 

The end result is that we’re going to re-evaluate where we’re at in November. So currently the subject is tabled, but the military is going to be my main focus now. Getting in shape for it really, which I’ve already been doing by training for my Warrior Dash, which is this weekend. >.<

 

Still sort of weird to think that before too long I might be “married”. Which really just means that when I come home to Netflix and chill, and I mean chill as in sitting on the couch in my pjs with a cup of hot tea in my hands… that I’m officially, legally allowed to get a tax break for doing it. Zane and I don’t want anything to change with our dynamic. We like what we have. I would keep my last name. It was just mean we would be allowed to stay together, if that’s the route we end up going.

 

The thought feels weird, and I know I need to look at it further, but that was a huge thing that went down.

 

Saturday I had work, which was uneventful. I used the car because the morning was productive, and even though it was another beautiful day, I ran out of time to be able to bike to school and get there on time. Lame, but I was ok with how things were working out.

 

I had figured out by then what I wanted to do for my art project so on the way into work I stopped at Publix to pick up a few magazines as well as some free publications to cut up when I found time to do it.

 

I had wanted to start that at work, but other things happened. I also wrote for the blog award I received. That was pretty awesome because I love being able to pass them on to other people.

 

I came home. I don’t really remember anything special happening.

 

Sunday I woke up at 3am wide awake. Fuck you, Body, and your increased metabolism. Since I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep for a while I went and took care of the laundry. While that was going I began cutting out words from the papers I had gotten. That was fun. I continued to do that when I got home. Zane woke up around 10. By then I had gone through everything I wanted to, and was about to move on to the next phase of the project. Gluing stuff down.

 

I knew I needed a break. I wanted to shower, step away from the project. I knew food would be a good idea since I hadn’t eaten since 3:30. A nap sounded pretty awesome, too…

 

So Zane and I cuddled for a bit as he woke up and we talked about what we wanted to do for the day. We went to the sports bar for lunch. I came home and slept for a while. At some point we talked about meals for the week. I think that was before my nap actually. I had agreed to do the grocery shopping while the Pathfinder game was going on.

 

When I got up I began work on my project again. When I was happy with it, or at least done enough to not want to keep working on it, I packed up and headed to school. I wanted to mount my project on black board and actually maybe frame it. I like the way it turned out and I’m proud of it.

 

So that was fun. The art room was completely empty. I got to scan the finished project while I was there and type up my creative brief. I got the file submitted so we’ll see what happens. I took the time to do a few other computer related things while I was in front of one, then left to go do the shopping.

 

That was a fairly painless experience since it was later in the evening on a Sunday. Got everything on the list, so that was nice. By the time I came home the guys had ordered pizza, so there was dinner that I didn’t have to worry about cleaning up after. Yay paper plates.

 

I stayed in the room for the rest of the night, though I wasn’t tired. When Zane came to bed we tried sleeping, but I kept tossing and turning and I didn’t want to keep him awake, so I ended up on the couch. Not sure when I fell asleep. 4am ish I think.

 

Monday morning we got up and got the bagels for the week’s breakfasts. I went back to sleep in the bed when Zane dropped me off back home. That was nice. I woke up around 10 and cooked the Cajun pasta to have for dinner, along with prepping all of the other veggies and meats for the other meals, so that’s done.

 

I showered and biked to school when it was time to. This month there are two labs. I told David I would take the late lab the whole month. That way the schedule is consistent for everyone. I have the light for the bike so biking during the evening should be fine.

 

The back wheel of the bike rubs against the break pad. Not cool. It made biking home way harder than it needed to be, so I’m going to look into that eventually before work today.

 

This month’s group seems really awesome. I’ve already had 3 or 5 people tell me that they’re interested in rigging as their focus. Not that I’m biased or anything… There were so many awesome questions yesterday. Like, smart, they’re thinking about the material and concepts and how to apply them to different areas, type of questions. Not, “Hey, how do I do this even though I just got out of lecture and there are like, 6 different podcasts that walk me through the project,” type questions.

 

I was talking and explaining things the whole lab. Which is awesome, but so draining. I haven’t had a lab like that in a long time. My introvert was exhausted and desperately needed my break by the time it came around.

 

So looking forward to the rest of the month though. I really think this is going to be a fantastic group.

 

I took a look at my new class. It’s a portfolio class, but I sort of feel written out for the moment, so I think I’m going to stop here and continue on with my day. I go into work for the Shading and Lighting lab at 5pm today. I had wanted to bike to the bank before going to school so I can get rent money for Trevor. I still need to make tuna for my lunches as well.

 

All the while I’m still pimpin’ out my dragons in Dragonvale, but I’ll save that tangent for another time as well.

 

Long weekend, productive, introspective, and done. I’m actually glad to leave it in the past. I’m glad to be moving forward. And I’m so glad that today is another amazingly beautiful day outside. Lets just hope I can figure out the bike so my ride isn’t as annoying as it was yesterday.

Musing Moment 083: St. Jude Warrior

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It is the final week before my first ever Warrior Dash!

 

mellie

It is also my last week to reach
my goal as a St. Jude Warrior.

Please join me in being a warrior against
acute lymphoblastic leukemia by donating to my
St. Jude fund and help me raise
$500 for four-year-old Millie and her family.

 

 

Thank you so much to everyone who has already donated. Your encouragement is more inspiring than you can possibly imagine. It makes training so much easier to know that I have the love and support of the blogging community.

 

You guys are awesome, and I’ll be sure to think about each and every one of you when the going gets tough during my race Saturday! : D

 

I love you all incredible amounts of much,
Warrior Freya

Daily Post 081: Bike Adventures Continue

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Yesterday was interesting. There was a first for me.

 

One of my students had a panic attack. She is fine, and I stayed with her until she was able to leave lab, surrounded by several of her friends who stayed behind for her.

 

Energy wise it was one of the most draining things I have experienced in a while. I sat and held her hand through the hold thing, rubbing my fingers over hers, squeezing every so often, telling her she was safe, that it was ok. Nothing but calm. I got this.

 

My shoulders hurt so much afterwards, and I don’t really know why. It was like claws had dug into me, into my muscles, and I was trying to flex and move around those claws. It hurt.

 

Zane picked me up from school once he was off work. He had messaged me earlier in the day saying he wanted to go to the sports bar or sushi cafe for dinner. He wanted to take me out.

 

We went to sushi. I hadn’t eaten since the morning and with the panic attack I was totally ok with eating out, not having to worry about cleaning / cooking, and going to sleep. The atmosphere was perfect, quiet. Zane and I had light conversation. The food was fantastic and filling. And even though the longer we were out the more tired I got, I really did enjoy the evening.

 

We stopped at Publix on the way home so Zane could get ice cream. I was driving and looking forward to parking the car and not being in charge of a two-ton vehicle, and yes I am pulling that number randomly out of my head because I don’t care enough to actually look up how much my car weighs…

 

And of course since I typed that the next thing I did was go to Google. Apparently a Mazda 2 weighs anywhere from 2,306 to 2,359 pounds. Yeah. I didn’t want to be in charge of all of that. So when Zane first mentioned going to the store my body tensed further. There would be people, and things, and stuff, and can’t we just go home? Please? No more torture? I promise I’ll be good. ;-;

 

When I didn’t answer right away he said to never mind. That it wasn’t a big deal and he could do it later.

 

Me: We always do what I want to do. I feel bad. We’re going to the store.

 

As I changed lanes he said no, to go to the apartment.

 

Me: Nope. Can’t do that now. I’ve already changed lanes. I can’t be “that guy” who changes lanes back and looks like they don’t know what they’re doing.

Zane: Yeah you can. Get in the other lane.

Me: /proceeds to get into the far left lane to turn into the grocery store

Me: I changed lanes. : D

 

Needless to say we went to the store. I got to stay in the car for that adventure though, almost falling asleep in the quiet dark because I was that tired.

 

When we got home everyone was in the kitchen. Trevor and Danielle were cooking. John was pouring a drink of some sort of alcohol. Nope. Too much. Not even going to being processing. I walked straight to the room where I changed into pjs and curled up in bed, Scarlet nestled next to my head.

 

Zane used my laptop to watch stuff on Crunchyroll since John was using the TV and I slept I think. I remember him coming into bed. There was some discord between Zane and me, which ended with me going to wash the cloths at 10pm.

 

I think it was the better option. I was awake and instead of feeling sorry for myself or staying in bed where I wouldn’t be able to sleep I got up and took care of a chore that needed to get done. It was pretty relaxing actually. I got to listen to music on my phone because I remembered to take headphones. I got everything washed and folded which made me feel productive. I got to cross-stitch and made pretty decent progress on it. I got some space and alone time, which I think I still needed from the intensity of work.

 

I got back to the apartment around midnight and slept on the couch, my brain still wrung out and tired.

 

I woke up this morning around 9:30. I hadn’t looked at the kitchen so I was pretty aggravated to see a pile of dishes, but whatever. I can take care of them.

 

I loaded the dishwasher and went to run it so I could unload it later in the day but the latch wouldn’t lock for some reason.

 

This is where I entered what I am now going to refer to as “cement block mode”. I was totally un-phased by the dishwasher not working. I can’t do anything to fix it. We’ll put in a work order and see what happens. Done.

 

Right Brain: Wait… Um… where is the freak out / break down? We skipped a step…

Left Brain: No. We didn’t. Sit down. Be quiet. And keep your hands to yourself.

Right Brain: /sits down sort of dumbfounded without causing a fuss

Left Brain: Good. /goes about tasking

 

I made coffee and breakfast since I was hungry. About that time Zane came out of the room. He asked if I had fed the cats, which I was actually just getting ready to do. The morning continued pretty well. We talked about grocery shopping and how we still have the curry to make, and the ziti to eat, so we’re actually pretty good on food, and that it might be better to hold off until around Wednesday to get meal stuff.

 

We still need things like more cat litter, cat food, Clorox wipes, bacon, and coffee creamer. We actually talked about making homemade creamer. I don’t think we’ll do that this week, but maybe next week I’ll give it a shot.

 

It was a good morning.

 

He had hugged me while I as filling up my coffee cup with water, wrapping his arms around me from behind and resting his head against mine.

 

Zane: Can I ask a huge favor?

Me: *small quiet voice as I begin to worry* Yes.

Zane: Can we please sleep next to each other? I don’t like waking up alone.

 

Ensue emotional conversation where I explain that I want to but that it’s hard to sleep next to him when my skin feels like it’s on fire. I couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down as I said I was sorry. This isn’t want I want. I don’t want him to feel bad and alone, but I don’t want to feel bad and unwanted.

 

He wiped away those stupid, annoying tears and hugged me to him since I had turned around for us to face each other while we talked. He said we would figure it out and that he loved me.

 

That made me smile, and we did have a fantastic morning. We ate together, figured out the grocery or lack there of, we discussed the plans for the day and what needed to happen when. It was a good morning even with the little bit of ickiness.

 

After eating Zane went to the apartment office to put in the work order for the dishwasher. I’ve also been seeing roaches, or maybe it is the same roach, but regardless of how many, there are invaders in the kitchen. Not cool. Pest control is schedule to come on Thursday, so that should be taken care of. The dishwasher is going to get looked at on Monday.

 

Zane also picked up roommate release forms while he was there for Trevor and John. Without those being signed they’re technically still on the lease when it renews, which will makes things crazy complicated. So lots of adulting and taking care of business on Zane’s end.

 

While he was gone I put the clothes away, cleaned up the computer desk, emptied the bedroom trashcan, straightened up the living room a bit, then showered. By the time I was done Zane was back.

 

I got dressed and called the bike shop. They had said the bike would be fixed by Thursday, but I never got a phone call or email about it, and with how tired I was yesterday evening after work I really didn’t care if the bike was done or not. I wasn’t going to go get it regardless.

 

So I called to see what was going on. The bike was done apparently and I could come pick it up. I decided to take Frank’s bike with me and donate it instead of holding onto it for the next forever, waiting to trade it in for credit towards a new bike. Maybe not the smartest move financially, but the bike is going to be in the way while everyone is trying to move their stuff, and I would rather donate it and have it be used then tripping over it for no reason.

 

It had rained all day yesterday morning which meant today it’s super cold and windy. Like, 22 miles per hour cold, winter wind. I got the bike rack on the car with Zane’s help and situated Frank’s bike on it and drove to the bike shop, holding my breath the the whole time and thinking the wind was going to blow the bike off the rack and cause the car behind me to crash and cause an 18 car pileup or something. Not a fun car ride…

 

I made it to the shop without incident though, so that was nice. Thank you, Universe.

 

I took Frank’s bike in. They rolled it to the bike and returned with mine. Yay.

 

I took it out of the shop, got on, and tried biking. Forward felt better. With all the wind I thought it was alright. When I tried to backpedal though the chain went slack… Not yay. I revoke my yay. Nay to yay. Buying a $60 tire was supposed to fix this.

 

Part of me thought about just taking the bike and chalking it up to weirdness that was actually fine. But instead I took a deep breath and went back into the store, after battling the wind to get back there on the bike because of course I was biking against the wind on the way back, and said that I thought there was still an issue.

 

Yep. Still an issue I guess. They took the bike back. I guess there was a bunch of stuff going on with the work order in the system, too, because I had to wait for roughly 10 minutes for them to figure out what was going on with it before they could make a new order for me.

 

I mentioned how I hadn’t been called and how I thought it was odd when they told me the bike was ready for pick up. The gentleman, one that I see often, but not the one I normally interact with, reassured me that they would make this right by me. He was sorry that I hadn’t been called, even more sorry that the bike wasn’t fixed when I did come to pick it up, and that they had me purchase a part that didn’t fix the issue.

 

The mechanic isn’t in today, so the bike won’t be looked at until tomorrow, but with how windy it is outside I wouldn’t be riding the bike even if I had it, so it’s not a big deal. I’m glad that I said something, and I’m super glad that they want to correct the issue rather than doing something lame like saying, “Sucks to be you.”

 

So I don’t really know when I’m getting the bike back, but hopefully before too long, and hopefully it doesn’t cost me more money.

 

I called Zane to let him know what was going on and that I would be home soon. We started having another emotional conversation. I was glad to be having it over the phone. The distance made it easier to think and talk, much the way writing helps me figure out what I’m thinking and feeling. I don’t have to worry about the other person. I’m able to focus on the words and not have to process everything else. It makes it more detached I guess? It’s just information. Maybe part of me feels like it’s safer?

 

I’m not sure why this conversation was easier to have over the phone since I usually hate the phone, but it was, in fact, easier for me to talk to Zane on the ride home, and to continue the conversation once I was inside the apartment.

 

It ended with me wrapping my arms around his shoulders since he was sitting in one of the kitchen table chair and resting my chin on top of his head and saying, “I’m glad you are in my life.”

 

I didn’t have much time before having to go to work. I told Zane to enjoy his afternoon with Hannah as I switched out of my sandals into work shoes and headed out since I had to be on campus a bit early. Today was my review after all, if Clavan remembered about it that is…

 

He did remember. He actually called me to let me know he was running a little late, but that he would be in shortly. No worries. I can keep myself entertained.

 

The review went well. I still need to get better about clocking in and out. No surprise there. He was happy with my performance and he liked the goals I had picked out for myself. We have to wait and see about the Woman’s Initiative thing. I don’t think my application will get denied, but you never know.

 

One of the things he mentioned was that I had to have work related goals, and that all of my goals fell under the personal side of things, aside from the Initiative, which is still iffy at the moment. So we brained stormed a bit.

 

I’m going to be making bumpers for the podcasts he will be creating for the new class structure and doing the video editing for all of them as well. So when Clavan uses a hotkey or some sort of short cut, or talks about the path to get to a specific window, or mentions a term the students really aught to remember or write down little blurbs will pop up in the video with that information. It’s basically like making my own podcasts but not having to do the annoying part of going through the demonstration. You know, keeping the bad and going straight to the good. Yeah, it’s basically being told to do that. Yes, please?

 

I will be streamlining the online activities and information on the webpages so it is consistent over the whole course, which is basically what I’m doing for the Shading and Lighting class, only this would be for my class so it will actually count towards something. Another score in my book.

 

I mentioned how that is one thing I really liked about the Digital Graphic degree, that everything from one class to another was pretty consistent and that I would like to eventually create a template structure which all of the classes used. So we’re going to get everything straight with our class first, then propose it for across the degree.

 

I would love, love, doing that. I would totally head that up and do everything needed. Give me a week of admin hours and it will be done. At least once the template is set, because then all it is is filling in the blanks. Copy and paste really as long as I’m given the information I need.

 

So I’m actually sort of stoked for this. I think I can have fun with it because it’s design related. It’s what I want to be doing.

 

Right now I’m in lab, and things are going well. Zane is doing his thing with Hannah as far as I know.

 

It’s cold, cloudy, and icky outside, at least it was. The dishwasher is broken. The bike is a hot mess. Zane and I still have issues. I’m still in the same position at work. But you know what?

 

I don’t feel bad. I feel like everything will work out. I feel like the concrete block that I mentioned. I’m stable. Solid. The wind can keep blowing and while it might suck to meet it head on, I’m not going to be pushed back or crumble. I’m going to be stubborn and stand my ground.

 

I am the immovable object, dammit. One with cold toes, but one none the less.

 

Daily Post 071: Wherefore Shame?

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Yesterday feels like forever ago and I’m really not sure why. I mean, it was a productive day, but it wasn’t that productive… I don’t get it. But anyway, yesterday started off pretty good.

 

Zane was a ninja and woke up to get our order of bagels from Einstein Brothers. While we were there Sunday we saw a sign that said “13 bagels $6 on Mondays”. It comes with two containers of smear, which I guess is their fancy term for cream cheese spread.

 

Zane and I talked about it while eating breakfast. I’m not super big into bagels, but I said I could use half of one for my egg sandwiches instead of slices of bread. So in a week I would really only need three bagels.

 

Later in the day Zane called the store and placed our order so in the morning all we would have to do is pick it up. No muss no fuss. He got up at some point, I’m guess around 5am, went out and picked up the bagels and came back. Normally I’m a super light sleeper and would have woken up, but I didn’t for some reason.

 

I got up at six and went out to the living room to find Zane asleep. I gently woke him up to ask if we were getting breakfast, to which he replied that the deed was already done.

 

So much win.

 

We went back to sleep for a bit since it was so early in the morning. That led to hitting snooze way more than we should have, and a mildly rushed breakfast for Zane. We did get to spend some time together in the kitchen though, so the morning wasn’t bad.

 

I finally took the time to get caught up on my emails. It took longer than I was hoping, but was extremely worth it. There are still a few tasks I need to do in relation to some of those emails, but a lot of them were up lifting and were what I needed to read / see. Reminders that even in the middle of winter there’s warmth.

 

In no real order I unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it, put the clothes away, packed up a bunch of stuff to take with me to school, went through my Christmas box from mom so I could keep the box. It’s sitting in my closet, empty, because there’s no way I’m getting rid of it at the moment.

 

I made a “paper” box for Zane. He has a bunch of crap stuff that he needs to go through and figure out if it’s garbage or not. So all of that got tossed into a box so it’s at least contained and off of my desk. I went through my own “in” pile and organized the desk so the room feels better in that regard.

 

I ate, showered, then dressed so I could head to work. I clocked in and talked to my brother on Facebook for a little bit. He may, possibly move in with us in June. That’s still up in the air though because he really doesn’t know what he’s doing, which is one of the frustrating things about him. I can’t make plans on ifs and maybes, but he wants to have things lined up and solid on vague information.

 

That’s not going to happen, dude. Sorry not sorry. Get your facts together and then we can have a real conversation.

 

Zane and I talked about the possibility last night. If Hannah moves out, and if John and his friend still need a place to stay, and if we agree that we won’t kill each other, and if this, and if that… arg. It’s so far away that I really don’t care about it right now.

 

Can I focus on transitioning to the new lease first? Like, let me not worry about something six months away for two months? Is that cool? I’m good at stressing over the stuff in my immediate present just fine. I really don’t need to add stuff that I can do literally nothing about because it’s not even my own nebulous idea.

 

I walked over to the Shading and Lighting lab after ending the conversation with my brother. Frank wasn’t there yet so I got the key and unlocked the room. Yay for doing something useful. : D

 

Lab was uneventful. I answered all of the questions I got without incident. That was nice. I got caught up on my work email. I sent out an email about the work schedule and how per Clavan’s instructions I would not be working six days a week. I haven’t check my email this morning, so I don’t know if there’s a reply to it. I’m sure there is.

 

I cleaned my downloads folder on my computer. It was a mess. I posted for my second discussion assignment for my class. A full week early, but it’s done and I don’t have to worry about remembering it. Something new I’m trying is using a separate calendar on my Google Calendar. One specifically for school actives. That way when I check my schedule for work I can see how school assignments line up with it. My first project is due tomorrow. >.<;

 

I completed the reading for this week and revised my school battle plan. I restructured my WIP folder on my desktop and cleaned my Dropbox folders a little. I also responded to Donna’s email about needing the information to verify my Vimeo and Creative Crash accounts. I cross stitched for a bit towards the end of lab. Overall I was happy with what I was able to get done.

 

I talked to my mom for about an hour after work. It was a nice conversation and one I’m glad I had. Before I left work I printed out my new class schedule for my Digital Graphics degree. A lot of the classes I have already taken overlap with the new degree, so I went through and highlighted all of the classes I have already taken. If I keep going with one class a month I have 17 more months left.

 

I printed out a new planner from Chalene Johnson as well. It works with her 30 day challenge thing. I’m mildly working on using it. I didn’t do much with it while I was at work. I wanted to get home before it got dark out. So I packed up and headed home.

 

When I got home I set up the laptop and transferred my backup files to my external hard drive. I had created the backup folders over the holiday break, making copies of my Google Drive, Dropbox, and Laptop. I never transferred them though, so the folders were just sitting taking up hard disk space. No longer though. All of my computer tasks are taken care of. Woohoo. Even the trash can got emptied.

 

I made two new recipes on my AllRecipes.com account. One for the cilantro lime sauce I use for my Southwest salads and shrimp rice bowls, and another for the leek and potato soup Zane and I like so much.

 

I changed the water filter, too.

 

I tried to spend some time figuring out my goals and such for the Push Planner from Chalene which is where things got a little dicey last night. This is also where this post becomes a little adult rated for sexual content.

 

At the moment I’m sexually unsatisfied. Zane and I have talked about it, but it’s not like it’s something you can compromise on. He doesn’t want it as much, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t want him to feel like sex is an obligation, because it’s not. I want him to want it, and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t.

 

On the flip side, I can’t make myself not want it, and the once a week, if that, isn’t enough for me. It’s one of the reasons I get so down, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Should I feel slutty and beat myself up over not being able to overcome my baser instincts or should I accept that some people are wired differently and that having a higher sex drive doesn’t make me a bad person?

 

Embrace the slut shaming culture of our society, or keep moving down the path of self acceptance and understanding… I mean really, when it’s written out like that it’s a little biased, but no less true, and even in those words I feel like I “should” go with the first answer.

 

It’s wrong for girls to want sex. It’s wrong for them to seek it out. It means they’re low in moral standing, impure. They’re not the ones you take home to meet mom. They’re the ones that are ok for right now, but not good in the long run. That’s the impression I feel society gives. It’s wrong to embrace sexually.

 

But I do want to embrace it. It’s one of the reasons Freya calls so strongly to me. Sex isn’t bad. Being sexual isn’t bad.

 

But what happens when it causes strife in an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship? How do you compromise on “I don’t want it,” and “I need more”?

 

I am fitter than I have been in years, and I’m continuing to improve myself, but the lack of sex makes me feel unattractive, and I know that’s a bit shallow of me. I’m not working out and making myself better for sexual reasons. I’m doing it because I want to be healthier. Because I want to be the warrior I know I am.

 

But if a side affect of losing weight is becoming more attractive it would be nice of things happened that made me feel more attractive, wanted. The comments, “You look good,” feel sort of hollow when “looking good” doesn’t change anything.

 

And I’m writing about all of this because it ties into the Push Planner thing.

 

You go through and you rate the areas of your life, like I have multiple times on this blog as I go through and do the challenge from time to time. Well, Significant Other is listed as Romance on the sheet. Sort of puts a different spine on that area in my head. And as I went through and rated all the areas I scored that, Romance, and my Spiritually super crazy low. I don’t feel romanced, and I feel like I’ve given up a lot of my connection with Freya in the process.

 

Ok. Cool. I’ve gone through and identified the areas of my life I want to focus on and bring balance to. Romance and spiritually.

 

Next step… make goals in line with your key priorities.

 

Fuck me. For real? How do I make goals for myself that require another person? That’s not how goals work. I really didn’t know what to do. How to I tell Zane, “Hey, I’m totally unhappy with this area of our relationship and I sort of need it to change, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to change because then that would make it an obligation and you already sort of feel that way, so stay the same because you’re fine the way you are… only your not and I need to you change…”

 

I felt stuck. Trapped. I felt like no matter what I did that it wouldn’t be right and that I was doomed.

 

Zane had been in the living room while I was doing all of this. I prefer to beat myself up mentally while alone anyway. It makes it easier to do.

 

When he came into the room he could tell I wasn’t ok.

 

We talked about it for a bit. Danced around it at first really because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to mess up our night. I didn’t want things to be bad. I wanted to be normal and be satisfied and to not have strife over something so silly, so trivial, only it’s not trivial for me. It’s important and I don’t know how to change that, and what’s worse is I don’t know if I do want to change it. I don’t think it’s wrong. But it’s causing us pain, so how is it good?

 

Nothing was really figured out. He left the room for a bit and I began looking into tantric sex, something that I have been mildly curious about for a while. Lots of interesting reading. And it gave my brain something to focus on. Left-brained tasking. Process information. Oh, you mean avoiding emotions. I can totally do that right now.

 

Zane came back not longer after that. Enough time had passed to allow my “the world is ending” emotions to subside a bit, leaving me tired and worn out feeling. He said for me to come into the kitchen with him. That we were going to cook dinner together.

 

He showed me how to make a rue for the Shepard’s Pie. I got to empty the containers of veggies into the skillet. We got to be playful and warm and close. It helped me. It’s another aspect of the Romance section that I feel is missing. Flirting. Playfulness. We have it sometimes, but not often, and when it is there everything seems ok. Or at least a lot better. It makes me content. There’s affection and love in our own weird unique, companionship sort of way.

 

Or maybe it’s that when we’re playful like that his love is being shown in a language I understand. That’s getting into the whole love language stuff though, and another layer of complexity to go on top of personality types.

 

Why does human interaction have to be so complicated? >.<;

 

So the Shepard’s Pie got made. It turned out fantastic. I ran back to school to drop off my backpack along with a change of warm clothes and my Wacom tablet so I could work on my homework at school the next day.

 

Zane was asleep when I got home so I stayed out in the living so I wouldn’t wake him. I got up around 6am and curled into bed with him. The morning as been pretty good so far. I made both of our bagels and partially packed his lunch box. We got to eat together this morning. I enjoyed my coffee before biking to work.

 

I got to feel like a ninja during my ride. I used one of my bandanas to cover my mouth so my lips wouldn’t get super chapped in the cold. Another way to look at it is a super awesome bank robber on my get away bike, because I’m a bawler like that.

 

Got all the way to work. Clocked in and got the key for lab feeling like a bawce and taking care of business. I text David to let him know I had the key and got a reply shortly after saying that there wasn’t a 9am lab. That there were only 23 students this month so the first lab was removed from the schedule…

 

That makes the rest of my month really awesome, but yeah… it would have been nice to know this morning. I don’t regret it though. I like that I’m awake. That I’m at school, and that I’ve written.

 

I think today is going to be an ok day. Maybe even a good day if I can get this headache to go away.

Daily Post 066: The Curse of Getting Destracted

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I totally had a post already written up. I was so proud that I wrote this morning after I woke up, my coffee next to me as I started my day off “right”.  I honestly thought I had already posted it, so when I closed out of the program and looked at my blog only to realize that all of the writing I had done was lost for forever… I really don’t know what to say other than, that really sucks.

 

I don’t even really remember all that I wrote about because it was pretty free form and just typing stuff out. Well… I guess all I can do is think back over everything and made a whole new post because there’s no real way to get the old one back.

 

I got everything figured out with my class. I don’t know why my paperwork wasn’t processed like it should have been, and it’s pretty frustrating that it wasn’t. I am going to have to wait three months before I can switch over to the new degree. Luckily there are other online classes that I am schedule for, but still. I won’t officially switch until April. And I don’t even have a reason as to why.

 

I’m back in History for Visual Communications. I’ve done most of these assignments already. This is the class I was taken out of for my leave of absence. I’ve already gotten the reading for the first week done. I have an outline for my discussion response, and I have brainstormed my idea for the first project. I plan to go to school tonight to record my responses, which will allow me to edit the video tomorrow before posting it to the discussion board.

 

I found out my graduation date is October of 2017. That brings up all sorts of feels. Zane had mentioned how he wanted to move to California next year, and that if I wasn’t ready to move by then that he would leave without me.

 

I understand that. When I saw my graduation date in the email my heart sort of fell, though. I remembered that conversation. I told Zane about the date and he asked if I could survive 8 months without him.

 

I said that yeah, I could. I would have to. I would find a way to make it work. I would move somewhere else, or get new roommates. Life isn’t going to stop just because he moved away. It would suck and I would hurt, and I would have to keep going just like every other time something in my life changes.

 

It’s one of the reasons I still think about joining the military. By the time I’m done with my degree I’ll most likely be on my own again, so why not? It’s not like I would have much keeping me here. It would finically be smart and I could travel.

 

I was completely unprepared when he responded with maybe he would stick around for me.

 

I don’t know how to feel about it.

 

I want to believe it. I want to feel worthwhile and worth sticking around for. I want him to be supportive of my goals and endeavors so when I move out to California I can be supportive of his. I want to feel secure enough, safe enough, to believe those words.

 

But there’s a part of me who doesn’t want to believe them. It’s easier to not believe them so I don’t feel like a fool when he leaves next February and I find myself alone again. I won’t have to deal with the, “I told you so”s inside of my brain.

 

I feel very vulnerable right now and I know it won’t get better until I talk to him about it.

 

I wonder if it was meant as a joke. I don’t think so. It wasn’t said jokingly. And it’s sort of on the “sensitive topic” list which we’ve agreed to not joke about. More communication will ease this over, and until it happens it’s just another knotted ball inside of my brain to go along with all of the others.

 

That was really the only bit of “ickiness” from yesterday, and even at that, it’s all inside of my head so it’s not really icky.

 

I haven’t been sleeping well the past few days. I keep waking up and feeling unrested. I keep having weird dreams even though I don’t remember them well enough to write. I know one of them was about ice staking, which may sound weird but while I was in middle school I took ice skating lessons and almost started competing.

 

In this dream there’s some sort of fire demon / monster thing, and there’s a group of us trying to keep it from getting to the general public. They, the general public, can’t see the monster, but we can. And I say we because there’s a group of us fighting the thing even though I don’t remember anyone specific. The monster is huge, so much larger than us, towering over us, and it’s coming down from a mountain, even though there isn’t on in the dream. It’s coming down from somewhere high, and that’s all I remember.

 

That’s the only dream I can recall any sort of detail about, and while it didn’t leave me with bad feelings, more caution than anything, I wasn’t rested or ready to get out of bed.

 

I had wanted to start my day early with Zane, but ended up sleeping for a few more hours after he left for work. I got up around 10:30 yesterday. I had breakfast, I checked my personal email and got caught up on the blogs I follow, then my work email. After that I checked out my class which is where I saw I was still scheduled for a campus class and that whole clusterfuck began.

 

I got the ball rolling on the emails to get my course taken care of. I wrote my previous blog post and did a few other minor things before heading out to start my day.

 

I stopped at the office first to put in a work order for the stove. They didn’t know when maintenance would be by, but I had done my part, so I left to go to the gym.

 

I’m trying something new with my workouts. Instead of having days where I focus on cardio or strength, I’m testing something out where I incorporate them into a single workout.

 

Yesterday I ran a lap around the track then stopped to do a rep of free weights or body weight exercises, then ran a lap, did a rep, lap, rep, lap, rep. It was pretty intense, but I really liked it. I can totally feel it today, especially across my shoulders. I used 10 pound weights instead of the six or eights that I’ve been using with Terri.

 

Of course I did all of that in addition to the 10 mile bike ride to get to and from the gym. x.x I’ve been enjoying not doing much today. Zane and I have plans to walk later tonight which will help loosen my legs a bit. I still might do yoga at some point. It would be the kinder option for my body.

 

Once I got back from the gym I boiled eggs for tuna, though I didn’t actually make it until this afternoon. I packed the hookah with honey, guava, and rose since Zane had a rough day at work. We watched two episodes of The Flash last night so we only have two more episodes left in season 1. He cooked dinner last night. Nothing fancy, just burgers, but they were super tasty.

 

We’re supposed to cook Shepard’s Pie again, but until the oven is fixed we can’t bake anything, so that sort of sucks.

 

I cross stitched on and off yesterday. I’m going to have to buy more of the blue thread I’m using.

 

And that was pretty much yesterday.

 

My day today is almost over, but I’m going to wait to write about it until either before bed or when I wake up tomorrow morning. Hopefully whenever the next time actually occurs I don’t delete my writing and have to redo all of it. Because… yeah… that was lame.