I totally had a post already written up. I was so proud that I wrote this morning after I woke up, my coffee next to me as I started my day off “right”.  I honestly thought I had already posted it, so when I closed out of the program and looked at my blog only to realize that all of the writing I had done was lost for forever… I really don’t know what to say other than, that really sucks.

 

I don’t even really remember all that I wrote about because it was pretty free form and just typing stuff out. Well… I guess all I can do is think back over everything and made a whole new post because there’s no real way to get the old one back.

 

I got everything figured out with my class. I don’t know why my paperwork wasn’t processed like it should have been, and it’s pretty frustrating that it wasn’t. I am going to have to wait three months before I can switch over to the new degree. Luckily there are other online classes that I am schedule for, but still. I won’t officially switch until April. And I don’t even have a reason as to why.

 

I’m back in History for Visual Communications. I’ve done most of these assignments already. This is the class I was taken out of for my leave of absence. I’ve already gotten the reading for the first week done. I have an outline for my discussion response, and I have brainstormed my idea for the first project. I plan to go to school tonight to record my responses, which will allow me to edit the video tomorrow before posting it to the discussion board.

 

I found out my graduation date is October of 2017. That brings up all sorts of feels. Zane had mentioned how he wanted to move to California next year, and that if I wasn’t ready to move by then that he would leave without me.

 

I understand that. When I saw my graduation date in the email my heart sort of fell, though. I remembered that conversation. I told Zane about the date and he asked if I could survive 8 months without him.

 

I said that yeah, I could. I would have to. I would find a way to make it work. I would move somewhere else, or get new roommates. Life isn’t going to stop just because he moved away. It would suck and I would hurt, and I would have to keep going just like every other time something in my life changes.

 

It’s one of the reasons I still think about joining the military. By the time I’m done with my degree I’ll most likely be on my own again, so why not? It’s not like I would have much keeping me here. It would finically be smart and I could travel.

 

I was completely unprepared when he responded with maybe he would stick around for me.

 

I don’t know how to feel about it.

 

I want to believe it. I want to feel worthwhile and worth sticking around for. I want him to be supportive of my goals and endeavors so when I move out to California I can be supportive of his. I want to feel secure enough, safe enough, to believe those words.

 

But there’s a part of me who doesn’t want to believe them. It’s easier to not believe them so I don’t feel like a fool when he leaves next February and I find myself alone again. I won’t have to deal with the, “I told you so”s inside of my brain.

 

I feel very vulnerable right now and I know it won’t get better until I talk to him about it.

 

I wonder if it was meant as a joke. I don’t think so. It wasn’t said jokingly. And it’s sort of on the “sensitive topic” list which we’ve agreed to not joke about. More communication will ease this over, and until it happens it’s just another knotted ball inside of my brain to go along with all of the others.

 

That was really the only bit of “ickiness” from yesterday, and even at that, it’s all inside of my head so it’s not really icky.

 

I haven’t been sleeping well the past few days. I keep waking up and feeling unrested. I keep having weird dreams even though I don’t remember them well enough to write. I know one of them was about ice staking, which may sound weird but while I was in middle school I took ice skating lessons and almost started competing.

 

In this dream there’s some sort of fire demon / monster thing, and there’s a group of us trying to keep it from getting to the general public. They, the general public, can’t see the monster, but we can. And I say we because there’s a group of us fighting the thing even though I don’t remember anyone specific. The monster is huge, so much larger than us, towering over us, and it’s coming down from a mountain, even though there isn’t on in the dream. It’s coming down from somewhere high, and that’s all I remember.

 

That’s the only dream I can recall any sort of detail about, and while it didn’t leave me with bad feelings, more caution than anything, I wasn’t rested or ready to get out of bed.

 

I had wanted to start my day early with Zane, but ended up sleeping for a few more hours after he left for work. I got up around 10:30 yesterday. I had breakfast, I checked my personal email and got caught up on the blogs I follow, then my work email. After that I checked out my class which is where I saw I was still scheduled for a campus class and that whole clusterfuck began.

 

I got the ball rolling on the emails to get my course taken care of. I wrote my previous blog post and did a few other minor things before heading out to start my day.

 

I stopped at the office first to put in a work order for the stove. They didn’t know when maintenance would be by, but I had done my part, so I left to go to the gym.

 

I’m trying something new with my workouts. Instead of having days where I focus on cardio or strength, I’m testing something out where I incorporate them into a single workout.

 

Yesterday I ran a lap around the track then stopped to do a rep of free weights or body weight exercises, then ran a lap, did a rep, lap, rep, lap, rep. It was pretty intense, but I really liked it. I can totally feel it today, especially across my shoulders. I used 10 pound weights instead of the six or eights that I’ve been using with Terri.

 

Of course I did all of that in addition to the 10 mile bike ride to get to and from the gym. x.x I’ve been enjoying not doing much today. Zane and I have plans to walk later tonight which will help loosen my legs a bit. I still might do yoga at some point. It would be the kinder option for my body.

 

Once I got back from the gym I boiled eggs for tuna, though I didn’t actually make it until this afternoon. I packed the hookah with honey, guava, and rose since Zane had a rough day at work. We watched two episodes of The Flash last night so we only have two more episodes left in season 1. He cooked dinner last night. Nothing fancy, just burgers, but they were super tasty.

 

We’re supposed to cook Shepard’s Pie again, but until the oven is fixed we can’t bake anything, so that sort of sucks.

 

I cross stitched on and off yesterday. I’m going to have to buy more of the blue thread I’m using.

 

And that was pretty much yesterday.

 

My day today is almost over, but I’m going to wait to write about it until either before bed or when I wake up tomorrow morning. Hopefully whenever the next time actually occurs I don’t delete my writing and have to redo all of it. Because… yeah… that was lame.