Month: March 2015

Musing Moments 0017: 30 Day Challenge – Day 8

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Today is a pretty light and easy day. Yaaaaay! Since I have to make up for slacking yesterday… Booooo…

We’re past the first week. We’re past a lot of the hardest, most intense stuff. I mean, for real, how often do people sit down and analyze their life, where they’re going, and what they want to do other than earn a paycheck?

It’s a lot of mental work. There’s a lot of emotions involved, at least for me. It requires honesty with yourself, which can suck if you don’t like where you’re at. It requires being open and vulnerable to other people. It requires a lot of effort and for some people it’s too much, so they drop off on it.

And that’s ok. Like I said in the beginning, it wasn’t until my third time that I actually made it through the whole program. There’s a lot to take in, a lot to absorb, so there’s nothing wrong with backing out. For me it was too much the first time. I took what I could away from the experience and applied small snippets to my life, so the next time I came back it wasn’t as overwhelming or pressuring. I knew I could make it to a certain point, so I knew I could get further.

So there’s not shame in not making it through the first week, or the second. As long as you are bettering yourself then your gaining exactly what you’re supposed to form the challenge.

That being said, because the first week is so intense, Day 8 is pretty chill. Huzzah.

The only things required today are:

Make your do-to list
Comment on your experience / feelings so far

Oh man. I get to write about my feelz. I’m totally all over this.

The Journey So Far

I feel awake right now. I feel strong. I feel aware.

I once again have a clear direction of where I am headed. I have a very real, quantifiable outcome, destination, as an end goal, which I feel is what I was lacking before.

I am not aimlessly wandering, hoping my actions eventually get me somewhere. I am not going through my days over and over only to get to the end of them to wonder, “What am I really working towards? Why am I doing any of this at all?”

I have realigned with myself, with my intentions, and with the things I view as important. I am my focus, my most important project. I want to be a better me so I can keep being a positive influence in the world.

I want to be harder, better, faster, stronger.

I have a better understanding of where I am at right now in life, and what I need to do to get to where I want to be. I am still a work in progress, and to stop now would be to leave the piece of art that is myself incomplete.

It is a very empowering feeling, to know where one is. There is a level of self-assuredness that comes with it. I am no longer lost, looking at unfamiliar sites. I see the milestones that will guide me forward, leading me to my destination. It is simply a matter of continuing to travel, one foot in front of the other, each step moving me forward.

I feel full of potential and drive. I feel like everything I want is possible, attainable. I feel like my goals are within my reach and that gives me a sense of determination, intention.

My goals are there. My fingertips brushing against them. If only I extend a bit more, reach a bit further, I could hold them within my hands.

The only reason I will have for not achieving them is if I do not apply myself. If I stay standing on this path, choosing to not move. To remain where I am, arms at my sides.

So without further ado, I am off to continue onward, conquering my to-do list for the day, reaching towards those soft glowing spheres known as hopes, dreams, and goals.

Musing Moments 0016: 30 Day Challenge – Day 7

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I’m pretty into goal prioritizing and task management. Always have been, really. I feel like life is like math to a certain extent. There are several ways to solve a problem, so there isn’t a true ‘right way’, but all ways require some form of structure, step by step actions to get to that elusive X. And if you do some of the steps out of order bad juju happens and you don’t end up where you want to be.

Because of my interest (obsession) with the subject, I had already been exposed to several of the concepts covered in the 30 Day Challenge, which meant some days I didn’t gain as much as what other people most likely did.

Day 7 is like that for me.

Day 7 is where you’re supposed to write down literally everything in your brain. In the system that I base my life structure on, Getting Things Done by David Allen, this is called a brain dump.

The brain is fantastic. Truly it is.

It is also so frustratingly annoying that I wish it had a face to punch sometimes. A face other than my own because that doesn’t sound like fun or very productive…

I mean really… if the brain was any sort of smart it would remind me that I need to get cheese while I am at the grocery store, not when I’m at home cooking my burgers… which may or may not have happened last night…

Thanks, Brain. That is so not helpful…

So the whole idea for the brain dump is to take the responsibility of ‘remembering’ off of the brain. You don’t need to remember a crap ton of stuff if it’s all written down in a place you can refer back to. Your brain becomes free to problem solve because all of its energy isn’t going into a task that it’s actually pretty terrible at.

A full, complete, honest brain dump can take hours, sometimes a few days depending on your life. A single 26 year old female teacher has different priorities, projects, and obligations than 50 year old male business owner with kids and a wife. At least I hope we would…

Maybe I should add something about nail polish to my list just for good measure…

The GTD brain dump list
may be viewed here.

You’re supposed to go through every single area of your life and write down every possible thing you can think of. Things you are in the middle of doing, things you want to do, things you’re waiting for. All of the things, no prisoners. Writing them down (or using whatever system you want to) is like sending the idea to the executioner’s block.

“You shall no longer be in my head.” Chop.

And with the stroke of my pencil the burden and pressure of having to remember anything is gone. From the trivial reminder of Reply to Vimeo Email to the distant goal of Travel To Japan. It all gets transitioned into the physical form of words on paper for me.

I have done brain dumps several times, but none have ever been as intense as the first one. The preceding brain dumps were more like spring cleaning. Yeah there might have been a lot. But it wasn’t as much of an overhaul as that first time.

So with Day 7, I already have the foundation the brain dump is supposed to help establish. I use it as a chance to ‘spring clean’ and update my OmniFocus to what may be a better structure. Better organization.

All of this was actually supposed to happen yesterday, but with all of the frustration going on, I wasn’t in the headspace to deal with life goals and soul searching. So it’s a day late, and I still need to go through OmniFocus, but I have completed the brain dumping portion of the task.

It’s odd how much lighter and clearer your mind can feel after this process. I’m not even done and already I feel like there is more space in my head. More opportunity. More potential.

I have been meaning to upgrade my OmniFocus from the standard edition to the professional edition. Some of the features I used in OmniFocus 1 are not available in the standard edition of OmniFocus 2, which has led to me being a bit more slack in my use of it. I liked having my different perspectives, and without them the program doesn’t fit into my system as well as I want it to.

Well, if I’m going to be serious about getting back on track and staying on top of myself then I feel like now is as good a time as any to invest in the update.

That will be my main task for today. Getting OmniFocus updated and up to speed with my life so I can go back to being my lean, mean, task destroying machine self.

Away I go. /whoosh

Daily Post 0074: A Little Less POed

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Today wasn’t a complete waste, though my morning / afternoon was for the most part. At least in comparison to what I had envisioned getting done.

After making my post I called my mom. Being nice and diplomatic just wasn’t cutting it for getting all the emotions of frustration, rage, and helplessness out. I told my mom that it sucked, so hardcore, to literally have no action that I could do to fix the issue.

I told her that at this point it would have been faster, and more secure, for Jon to have sent me the money in a non-descript envelop with an “I’m thinking of you” card. We’ve been trying for a solid week to find out information about the transfer from both of our banks. And they both seem to be content to point the finger at the other, as if they are bickering children looking to place the blame.

Will someone just man up and give me a course of action to find a solution? Really any information at all would be nice. Should I wait another couple of weeks? A month? A year? Would it have been that hard to give me a round about time frame?

At least then I would know to wait longer. Instead I told to do an action that has already been done. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result… I’m pretty sure there’s a really famous quote about that from a really smart person…

Could you have given me other options since I told you that one had been tried already, and hadn’t worked?

There were so many things that could have been done. Hell, I would have been ok if you had at least said something like, “I’m sorry for the trouble you are experiencing, however…”

At least then I would feel like you at least had compassion for not being able to help me. Instead I felt like I got the giant middle finger, again. And that’s what really sucks.

I love the tellers at my bank. I talk to one of the guys about Thundercats and Power Rangers because we’re both nerds. One of the ladies is pregnant and is due soon. She’s always so pleasant to me. I still see the guy who originally opened my bank account, all those three years ago.

However, every time, EVERY TIME, I have to go through customer service it is a nightmare. I never get my issue solved on the first call, and there has only been one time where I had a pleasant person on the other end, and that was only after having to go through an extremely rude and inconsiderate woman.

I went with Bank of America because South Carolina Federal isn’t in Florida. I can’t imagine why they’re not here… but it was more than a little annoying not having a bank that I could walk into.

So I thought switching banks would be a good idea. But which bank to choose?

It would be nice to have a bank that I could go to no matter where I was at. At home with mom, in Vegas with Jason, or anywhere else that I might travel to. I felt mildly patriotic that I went with Bank of ‘America’.

“‘Merica. Fuck yeah!”, sort of a thing.The person I talked to about opening an account was so nice to me, and answered all of my questions. At the time I felt this was a good choice. And like I said, I have nothing against my local bank.

I regret switching over though. I have been screwed over with overdraft fees because money wasn’t withdrawn by the automated systems when it was scheduled to. And when I brought up the fact that the $60 if fees I was charged was a bit unfair because the overdrafts resulted from an error in the system I was told that I needed to be more responsible with my money.

Why don’t you be responsible and have a system that does what it is supposed to do? Or own up to when it doesn’t work properly?

Or the three times that I have paid my balance due on my credit card, but it doesn’t clear properly so I am again hit with late fees…

Maybe the Universe is just picking on me in this regard and I shouldn’t take it personally. Maybe it’s just my bad luck to have these experiences consistently from this one particular company. Maybe I would have the same issues somewhere else.

I’m not going to stay to see if things get better though. I’m sad that I will be leaving my local bank. I like the people who work there and I feel like they actually care about me. But the company as a whole disappoints me and I’m not going to stay any longer than I have to.

So I had all of that floating around inside me for most of the day.

The only thing I really did this afternoon, before aikido, was go to Walmart. There were a few things there that I needed to pick up and I was going to be damned if I let BoA screw over my whole day.

The thought of going out wasn’t all that appealing. Knowing my luck I would get a crummy cashier and it would just egg me on with the whole “customer service sucks” mentality I had going on at the time.

I went though. And I got the cards for the server and manager at my sports bar. Since tomorrow is Friday, I plan to go there for lunch and wanted to be able to give them the thank you cards for how they handled the situation last week. I hope they’re both working tomorrow. XD

While I was at Walmart I got two new tops. I’m really liking the athletic style, sleeveless tops. So much so that anything with sleeves actually bothers me now. I had thought to ‘just look’ and see if there was anything interesting. Since it’s summer (Florida has no spring) I wanted to see if there was anything new that I might like.

There were two tops that were pretty awesome. One was a leaf green. Not spring green, super bright and vibrant. And not forest green, dark and regal. But a slightly dark, summer green. There was a purple top as well. So now I have a bit of a color selection for my tops. It’s not just black.

I have black, grey, blue, green, and purple. I need to find a red and I’ll be happy. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable in orange or yellow. Maybe a darker orange… As it is, the green will be new for me. Small steps I suppose.

Anywho… I got a pair of clip on sunglasses, too. My eyes thanked me for them when I drove home.

Once I got back to the apartment I still had no motivation for anything so I stitched and listened to my book.

I almost didn’t go to the dojo, but last minute I packed my bag and left the apartment. I’m so glad I did. Sensei Beata was teaching, so there was a lot of dynamic movement. Sensei Jan was my partner for most of the class. I don’t remember the name of the technique we practiced, but it was a very fluid movement. I liked the way it felt.

I went to the gym after the first class. Practicing had helped get pretty much all of the angst out of my system, so I needed some alone time. I got to the gym about 30 minutes before they closed so I was only able to get a .8 mile run it. I stretched a bit afterwards and listened to lots of music. I actually left my headphones in the whole way home.

Even when I got home I left my headphones in, dropped my stuff in the middle of the floor, and fell into bed for a good 30 minutes. Everything was working itself out internally, I just needed more time.

Scarlet jumped up onto the bed with me and we cuddled for a while.

Eventually I needed to eat, so I washed the dishes in the sink and cooked dinner.

Once I got done cooking / eating I started working on the other script I wanted to create. And I’m super pleased to report that I’ve already completed it. That means there’s just one more section that I need to tweak a little bit and I can post my script online.

The last section won’t take long at all since all I’m doing is changing up the interface a little. The overall functionality will be unchanged.

I’m most likely going to listen to more of my book and stitch for the rest of the evening. I’m about halfway done with this project, so I’m feeling pretty good about getting it done on time. That will leave me open to being able to work on the commission piece I have.

Oh, one last thing.

I got a giant bottle of Gatorade yesterday, a 2 quart bottle. I haven’t been staying hydrated like I aught to be, so I got the bottle to help combat that.

New Rule: Drink at least one bottle worth of water every day.

I drank all of the Gatorade yesterday, so this morning I filled it up with water. I’m happy to announce that I have already had one full bottle and am about halfway through my second fill up. Take that dehydration. In your face!

In retrospect, today wasn’t all that bad, and I might have been in the wrong for making my post. Regardless of right and wrong, I’m still leaving BoA, today eventually got better, and life has moved on. Time for some relaxation.

Daily Post 0073: So This is Late…

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I was supposed to make this post this morning, but if you’ve read my previous post, you know that this morning turned into a shit-tastic cluster fuck of frustration.

I still haven’t done my 30 Day Challenge assignment. In fact I have done very little today aside from not destroying stuff, which is a huge accomplishment in my book. I’ll keep holding the course. You know… take one for the team and all.

So here’s the run down of yesterday, and I’ll maybe, eventually, at some point get around to not being pissed off with my day.

The Awesomeness of Yesterday

Before I get to my stitching I suppose I should do this. Not like I haven’t been spamming the Internet all day with mindless stuff…

I cooked breakfast this morning and had my coffee while checking emails. I wrote a quick update from last night since I felt that writing wasn’t as complete as it should have been. I’m not sure I really should have posted last night, but alas, there is nothing I can do about it now.

I wrote my 30 Day Challenge post. There actually wasn’t much to do today. There first few days are pretty intense, or at least they can be. There’s a lot of soul searching and figuring yourself out. There’s still going to be a bit of that, so it’s nice to have a ‘breather’.

I won’t really write more about it, since I wrote several pages worth of ranting for what I think about Day 6. After posting I went to the gym where I ran a 17 minute mile. It was an awesome run. I’m super happy with it.

After running I practiced my punches for Taekwondo along with my first form. I think I keep messing it up though. I also practiced my side and round house kicks. There was a bunch of stretching and yoga involved, too.

After showering I went to school where I made a cute little comic about an email with my instructor. It happened a few days ago, but I finally got over my fear to make the comic. I sent it to him, so we’ll see what he thinks. XD

Once the comic was done I ran to Publix since I didn’t really have food on me. I got a summer roll with a sweet tea. Because I had gone grocery shopping so early in the morning on Monday there hadn’t been any sushi trays put out yet. So I made up for that today.

When I came back to school Kalel was sitting on a bunch outside on of the labs. He was eating before going back to work, so I sat with him while I ate as well. We talked about a handful of things, it was an overall pleasant interaction. I’m glad I sat with him.

Eventually we got tired of talking about the work environment and decided we should both get back to what we had been doing. So I went back upstairs to my little corner.

I think of it as mine now even though it is a ‘communal’ spot.

No one goes there. I’ve moved things around to make it ‘my’ space. I want to take a power cord in so it’s easier to set up my laptop. I want to pin inspirational sayings to the walls as well. I want to make it mine for real.

So that’s stewing in my brain.

Anyway, I went back to ‘my’ desk, and read all of the stuff for the quiz this week, then took the quiz and got a 90. After that it was time to head out to the dojo for aikido open class.

Sensei Jan was teaching tonight! Yay! It was a really good class. A lot of the moves I had never done before, but everyone was super helpful and I picked them up fairly fast.

When I was leaving Sensei Beata mentioned that if I wanted to meet during the week to practice that she would train with me. She didn’t want me to stop training because my work schedule wouldn’t allow me to get to the dojo next month.

She said that I am mapping the moves extremely well and advancing faster than what they are used to seeing. She said that she couldn’t promise to make it every day, but that to let her know what my schedule was and we could work something out.

I can’t put into words how amazing it was to hear that. Sensei Jan and Beata are so fantastic and accepting of me. When we talk it’s like I’ve known them for years. Like we’re old friends. There’s just something about them that makes me feel safe and understood.

Side note: I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this (int he billions of pages I write…), but Jan and Beata are married.

I can’t believe that they want to go out of their way to make sure I am able to train. It’s more than training for me. In such a short time I have latched onto it, and aikido is one of the things I refuse to compromise on now. I was seriously wondering how I was going to survive next month because I as so angry that I felt like I had to give it up. Even if it’s for such a sort amount of time, I get so much fulfillment and self-satisfaction from it, that I don’t want to go without it.

I know that’s not fair of me. I know my schedule changes every month and that some months I work 5pm, while other months I work 5am. That’s my job. That’s what I agreed to. It’s not fair of me to be angry over it.

But I am. I want to go to the dojo because it makes me a better person. I want to go as often as I am physically able to be there.

I was trying to work it out in my head. I was trying to figure out how I could do both work, and aikido so I could have my paycheck and get fulfillment, too. But I couldn’t find a solution, and I was angry and frustrated. It felt like being stuck in the ‘terrible twos’ phase. I had a plan, I was executing my plan, then the plan got interrupted and my brain couldn’t figure out a way around it, so the only thing I knew how to do was be angry.

Luckily I was able to keep the kicking and screaming contained within my head. I think I would have worried Joshua if I had thrown a legit fit.

But Sensei Beata and Jan have come and saved the day. I now have an answer to my thwarted plan. Even if it is only a couple times a week, it would be amazing. I’m so honored and grateful for Sensei Beata to even think I am worth training. I’m sure she doesn’t do this for everyone.

I feel loved and like maybe next month won’t suck so bad after all. I can have my job and aikido, and I can keep being happy and not feel like I’m giving up a part of myself. It felt like it was coming down to picking between aikido and work, and for a while I was thinking about letting aikido win. I seriously like it that much.

So needless to say, that totally made my whole night, day, week, month. I’m not dreading next month now. A tension as been eased and I can breathe normally again.

Once I left the dojo I went back to work. I was still in my gi pants, workout top, gross and sweating from kicking ass and taking names, but I didn’t care. I wanted to work on my block out for this weeks assignment. So I had left all of my stuff at work so I could finish that off before going home.

There was a group of students in the lobby; Marc, Nicole, Desiree, and a handful of others. They mentioned wanting a lab to work in, but because of the events going on at school, there aren’t going to be any open labs until Friday.

I offered to open one of the labs for them to work in since I was going to be on campus anyway. I actually opened the Finals lab, which was so nostalgic for me. I spend literally 4 months in that room, working on all of the assets on my demo reel, and a few that aren’t. I got to sit at my old computer desk. It was like nothing had changed.

It was very comforting. I set up my laptop just like I had when I was a student, only instead of rigging, I had my massive tablet in my lap, sketching and coloring away. It was nice. Familiar, but different. It made me aware of how much I have grown, how much I have traveled over the past three years.

I feel like I’m doing really well with this new assignment. I’m going to use it as a way to study musculature. I think that will give the composition a better connection to the word ‘strong’.

I posted my WIP image to Facebook and WordPress since I’m so pleased with it. Totally shameless about how much I like it at the moment.

I posted my Push Goal Promise to Facebook afterwards, so that’s done and I can stop stressing over it. I’ve gotten some really supportive comments. I replied to all of my emails. I downloaded an app that Jon wants me to get. I showered. I ate…

And I’m back to being tired. It’s 1am. I don’t know if I have it in me to stitch. I actually didn’t stitch at all this morning even though I said I was going to. I think I can not beat myself up over it though.

I got so much done today. I’m going to let myself be happy about that.

Musing Moments 0015: On the Subject of Bad Customer Service…

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Dear Bank of America,

I am not normally one to give bad reviews or to slander a company’s service. I understand that we are all human, that mistakes are made, people have bad days, and the ball can get dropped unintentionally.

However, I am tired of the poor customer service I receive from you, and I feel after the experience I had this morning that I have to speak out and voice my dissatisfaction publicly, rather than through surveys which seem to do nothing to alter things.

I am sad to say that I will NOT be recommending your company to ANYONE. I do not feel like a “valued customer” right now because the simple question of “When should I worry that there is an issue with my transaction?” Was ignored. Repeatedly. And when I mentioned that the solution that was suggested had already been tried, I was given the same “solution”.

I understand that your online system may in fact just be a computer program going through a complied list of responses. The very least you could do is add an option saying, “I am unable to answer your question.” Instead, it is set up to be frustrating. Infuriating, even.

I am disappointed in you as a company. I have had other issues in the past, and this is the one that finally does it in for me. I will be leaving your service as soon as I am able to. I do not want to continue banking with a company that is unable to answer a question as simple, as important, as “When should I be concerned that there is an issue?” I do not want to stay with a company who does not appear to value my service or concerns.

Your extremely disappointed, frustrated, and unvalued customer,

Jennifer Conley

customerService

Dragon’s Horde 0022: Roll Model Student

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roll_model_student

Photoshop – 20ish minutes

I was exchanging emails with my instructor when this happened

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Me: Thank you for all the wonderful assignments. I know I am not being the roll model student at the moment, but this is a very fun and engaging class. I have loved all of the assignments so far, and am looking forward to the rest of this week and the week after.

Instructor: I am glad you are getting a lot out of it. Role as you say is not two “L”s—I can’t help it, I am a teacher.

Pardon me while I go crawl under a rock and die a agonizing death from humiliation… >.<;

Though I suppose it wasn’t that bad. I got to make a cute comic out of it.

Musing Moments 0014: 30 Day Challenge – Day 6

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Before We Begin…

I suppose I should say that I have yet to post my Push Goal to Facebook.

Why?

Mostly because I’m nervous about it. While I stand behind my warrior like mentality, I am worried about the social ramifications my words may have in my physical world.

I’m worried people will sit and roll their eyes behind their computer screens. I’m worried someone will make an off handed comment in person and that I will be hurt by their insensitive, though innocently meant, words. I’m worried it will change their opinion of me.

I’m worried about not be accepted and understood, and that worry, that fear, is holding me back.

I talked with Mother Earth this morning about it. She said my previous challenge post confused her, since I mentioned Facebook, but she didn’t see a post on the site.

I explained my feelings, and how I was debating rewording my statements to avoid social awkwardness.

I DO NOT want to change my writing. What I wrote was what I felt at the time, and is still an accurate representation of what I feel. It is the purest form of my emotions and if I go back and change them now I will be bastardizing that moment in time. Misrepresenting it and, in a way, undermining the whole point, the whole intention, of this challenge.

Mother Earth said not to change the post. To leave it as is. Specifically she said, “Who gives two fucks if they roll their eyes? If they do, that’s not them. Not you.”

And she’s right. My Facebook is as much mine as this blog is and I should do what makes me happy, not what will please others to keep the status quo.

So eventually, some time today, I will announce to Facebook my Push Goal promise. Most likely after completing this writing.

So enough about Day 5. We’re on Day 6.

Disclaimer

This will most likely be a bit of a rant / tangent on my part, so I want to start off by saying that I do love this challenge, and that though I may have issues with parts of it (like today) that overall I view it as a very positive experience, especially for people new to task management and goal prioritizing.

Here we go…

 If It’s Not Broke Leave it The Fuck Alone and Stop Telling Me to Change 

I actually don’t really care for Day 6. The whole rest of the challenge is about understanding how to prioritize, make to-do lists, and how to break down goals into manageable steps. All of the rest of the days are pretty awesome.

But this day is annoying for me.

Firstly, it talks about creating a “Carefully Crafted and Diligently Maintained” to-do list. CCDM for short…

What the fuck? Could you think of a more complicated thing to say? Just say “to-do” list. Or “list”. Or “task list”. Or “brain eating zombie”…

I mean, seriously, almost anything else in the world would be easier to say than that huge, mouth full of words that actually deters me from wanting to make a list at all.

It’s so formal, it’s so official, so structured. Those words feel so ridged inside of my mind that I want to throw my hands up before I even start.

It’s like that old, angry, bitter teacher glaring down at you, expecting you to underperform and not meet their ridiculous, unachievable expectations. There is so much weight in the words “Carefully Crafted and Diligently Maintained” that it’s a wonder anyone is able to shoulder the task.

Maybe that’s just me. I like my lists to have organization, don’t get me wrong. That is the whole point after all. But I want them to feel flowing and natural. I write things down in no real order on the first round. I write the things that I want to have happen, what would be cool to do, or things that are on my calendar which must be done.

There’s no structure there. It’s free form. It’s brain storming. Once you have ideas, then you can organize and analyze. But without the base information you can’t do much of anything. The hardest part is starting because there’s this expectation of perfection. We’re taught, “It has to be right the first time.” When really it doesn’t. there’s nothing wrong with just getting the thoughts out. Rough, quick little notes that can be refined later.

You’re not expected to write the final copy of an essay on the first go. Why have that pressure with your to-do list? It’s BS and I feel that the CCDM naming enforces that unhealthy mentality.

“Carefully Crafted and Diligently Maintained” makes it sound like you have to get it perfect, get it ‘right’, or the world will end. For me it’s too much. It feels like sand paper against my skin. Abrasive and painful and I’m going to be vocal about the discomfort because other people may feel the same way. Other people who may hold the discomfort inside and bear it silently.

I’ll be vocal for them so they know they are not alone, not weird or abnormal, for their aversion to this naming convention. It’s lame. I refuse to use it, and if you don’t want to use that name either it’s ok. Call it brain eating zombie if you want to. Or “Master Plan for World Domination”.

It’s just a name. Make your own if CCDM grates against your skin and makes you want to punch people in the face like it does for me.

I think of it as simply making a list.

I’m not going to make a “Carefully Crafted and Diligently Maintained” to do list. I’m going to make a list inside of my spiral notebook, scribbling with my mechanical pencil and that’s how I’m going to be productive. I’m going to scratch through things I didn’t mean to write, and I’m going to misspell words. I’m going to be extremely natural with my list, writing it in a “I’m sitting I my pjs still, complete with bed head hair” type of style, instead of a, “I need to put on a business suit because I’m meeting with the owners of a Fortune 500 company” type of style.

That’s who I am. Ms. Bed Head. That’s naturally what I gravitate towards. A natural, real, down-to-earth, “I give zero fucks about impressing people (as I avoid posting my push goal promise to Facebook…)” type of mentality, and that’s how I’ll approach my list creation. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be pretty. It has to work and function within my life. It has to help me without being a hindrance, or an added stress.

My system isn’t broken so I’m not going to let someone tell me I need to fix it. Not that Chalene was telling me to fix it… But she wasn’t advocating my system, so she’s against my system, so I have to defend my system. Rawr!

Second Rant Incoming
Because the First One Wasn’t Enough

The video for today’s challenge is 8 minutes long. Which would be fine except that six minutes of it is being told how you really should have a smart phone because it makes things so much easier, and how if you can’t afford one think of it as an investment in yourself and find a way to get one.

I do have a program that I have spent money on for my task management. I use OmniFocus, and it’s an amazing program, and it works for me. I love it. And the whole reason I have an iPhone is so I can have OmniFocus with me where ever I go. So yes, I understand that smart phones are awesome and that they help.

I’m not against technology.

However…

I still use a spiral notebook with a mechanical pencil everyday for my to-do lists.

Yep. I spent all this money and I have this awesome program that is supposed to make me more efficient, and while I use it for the big projects I have, my everyday life is still run by a sheet of paper with coffee stains on it because I’m classy like that.

There’s something to be said for physically writing out your tasks onto a sheet of paper that you can hold in your hands. You’re holding your goals and ambitions. They’re real. They’re tangible. They’re not just data or ideas floating around in your head.

Maybe this is because I am a digital immigrant, rather than a digital native. Maybe it’s because I have an affinity for writing. Maybe there are a lot of factors that go into this being a pet peeve for me. But there’s nothing wrong with pencil and paper (and now I’m thinking of table top DnD… Roll for initiative… ).

It may be old school, but it works for me, and it works extremely well, so it’s frustrating to feel like I’m being lectured for six minutes about why I should be changing my system.

Stop telling me my system is broken, daminit! My system isn’t broken! It works amazingly well! And I’m not going to change it! Moar Rawr!

Moving on to Positive Stuff

I promise that’s the last tangent and criticism for this challenge.

The rest of the information for Day 6 is actually pretty cool. It talks about a few things to keep in mind when starting this new habit, because for a lot of people that’s what this is.

I have always made to-do lists. My mom taught me very early on that writing out your thoughts and intentions helps keep you organized and on track. Lists are like mental road maps. They let you know where you want to go and how to get there.

So making a list was nothing new to me. I did, however, have a problem with consistency. Some weeks I wouldn’t make a list at all, and just jump from fire to fire. Sometimes I lost the motivation to make lists as life got crazy.

This challenge, specifically this day, gave me some advice for combating those issues. This day gave me guiding principles to practice and apply to my life. It helped give me rules and a sort of, “thou shalt honor thy to-do list”, mentality.

So there really isn’t much to ‘do’ for Day 6 other than to start thinking about to-do lists, possibly getting or setting up a smart phone with a task management app, and to read over the rules for creating a to-do list. To know our commandments for this ‘to-do’ list cult we’re about to join.

Commandments of Thy To-Do List

Make thy to-do at the same time each day
Make thy to-do list at the same place each day
Have thy to-do list with thee at all times
Add 1-2 tasks associated with thy Push Goal to thy to-do list each day
Review thy list often

In the beginning I did two of these things already. I always had my list on me (if I had made one), and I looked at it all the time.

However the other three areas were where I was falling short. I was never consistent about when or where I made my list. It just sort of happened, and I realized that though I often made lists, huge lists, and even when I went through multiple lists in a single day, very rarely did I put anything related to my goals on those lists.

Left Side Brain: Hey. Right Brain. So I was thinking… I remembered how you said you really wanted to get from point A to point B. I just got done figuring out how we could get there. It’s actually pretty easy. If we follow these steps we should be there by this time frame.

Right Side Brain: Wait! I got it! Let’s do all of this other stuff instead and then wonder why we’re not any closer to that point B spot that we wanted to get to and then have emotional breakdowns over feeling unproductive and that we’re wasting our life and potential by accomplishing nothing and feeling unfulfilled! K! Thanks! Bye! : D

/dashes off to chase butterflies

And this is why you’re not in charge, Right Brain. That. That statement right there is why my inner scientist gets migraines when you talk sometimes. >.>

The first two rules are all about making this action, the process of creating a to-do list, a habit. It’s like brushing your teeth. If you are consistent with it, eventually it becomes so ingrained into you that it’s compulsive.

You HAVE to do it, otherwise it eats away at you. It nags at you, bugs you, festers in your thoughts, until you do it, and then you are once again allowed to feel whole and to move on with your day.

And making sure to add just a few tasks related to your Push Goal everyday keeps you moving in a forward direction, rather than stagnating on the things you actually want to accomplish in life.

Over Due Conclusion

So all of the rules are important and Day 6 isn’t a bad day. It’s just that the methods discussed clash with my personal system. I know it’s just a, “My way is the right way! Fuck your way!” aversion, but it’s how I feel and I accept that.

Today, as far as the challenge goes, is a prep day. There’s not a whole lot to do. No deep, inner soul searching. Just getting used to our new commandments which will be guiding our productivity lives.

Really, it’s about finding a system that works for YOU. It’s about finding something that you think will help you keep that “Carefully Crafted and Diligently Maintained” to-do list.

For me, “Carefully Crafted” doesn’t work. Making a list is already a logical and structured task. It’s already left brained. If I have to be left brained then I’m going to do so in such a way that it becomes totally artistic and right brained so both of my halves can be happy.

That’s the compromise I have found to keep inner peace and balance. So that’s what I’m going to stick with.

Daily Post 0072: I Promise I’m Awake Now

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This morning is better than last night. I feel rested. I’m not sure when I went to sleep. I know I fell asleep with the laptop in my lap. I know I did because I woke up that way. I had been trying to edit my previous post for errors, but after realizing that I, literally, couldn’t keep myself awake I closed the laptop, put it on my desk, and went to sleep for real.

I know I had a dream. I don’t remember what it was about, but I know there was blood it in. A wound of some sort, and I remember being confused about it. I didn’t feel pain, but there was so much blood.

I haven’t been awake for very long, so there’s not much to talk (type) about. Scarlet is next to me being adorable. I’ve already had my breakfast of eggs with mushrooms, salsa, and chedder cheese. I’m working on my cup of coffee, and my vitamin has been vanquished.

I feel like I should go over yesterday again because my post last night was so agitated and, in a way, tainted. I want to set that right before moving forward.

Yesterday was a productive day. I got most of the walk cycle blocked out in the animation. Tre said that it felt sort of ‘toy’ like which I feel has to do with timing and spacing. The arms move too far for the amount of time that I have given the action. This makes the character feel ‘light’ because it is moving in a way that seems to be relatively fast.

If I make the arms move less, and make them move over a greater length of time, it will feel heavier, as if the character has more weight. Heavy things tend to be slower.

It’s fun to think about things like that. I’m playing around with a 3D character. There is no weight. There is no substance. I am creating an illusion through movement. I am creating my own world. I love it. It makes something inside me extremely happy.

I know I mentioned my fear over starting the animation. That fear, that primal urge to run away, was very real and I almost messaged Tre saying that with my work load I wouldn’t be able to do work on the project, just for a reason to back out of it. But I didn’t, and I’m glad I didn’t.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy animation. I had forgotten that if I ever end up working at a studio that I want to be a Technical Animator.

I had forgotten how much fun I had creating my first ever animation when I took 3D Foundations.

I forgot there is a reason Elieen still shows my Juice Box animation. And my lip sync animation. It’s because they came out really well, so she shows them as examples of what previous students were able to accomplish.

I had forgotten how I was going to create a second reel after my graduation, animating all of my characters on my own so I could have a rigging / animation reel.

I had forgotten a lot of things in the face of Fear and Time, and I’m glad I was able to remember all of those things.

So that was a pretty huge step in a positive direction for me. I finished another script, which is super, uber fantastic. I totally gave myself a high five.

Finishing a project would turn the end of the world into a good day for me. I love those feelings of accomplishment.

I got to see Sensei Beata and Jan yesterday, and Richard, Mr. Butterfly. I was only able to stay for one class, but I’m glad I went. I felt a bit lame for having not made it to the gym. I am supposed to be trying to put in two hours each day, one for the dojo and one for the gym. But not sleeping well throws everything off. I’m glad I was able to get through as much as I did with how tired I felt all day.

Those were really the main events of yesterday. I cooked some broccoli. I cut up some chicken to marinate, so I’ll be cooking that later today. I plan to make some chocolate covered almonds.

I need to do my reading for school, and block out the colors for my IF assignment. I didn’t stitch last night, but because today is a low key day, no labs so it’s basically a day off, I am going to stitch before starting the reading.

I’m supposed to run a mile today, which might happen before I do anything else, and then there’s aikido open class at 7 followed by weapons at 8. I’m going to stay for both I think. I would really like working with the bokken more, though I’m not sure if that’s what we’ll actually be learning.

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. Leave it to me to write two pages worth of, “The only thing I did today was wake up.”

I’m off to do things, and stuff, and more things.

*Bows* Domo arigato gozaimashita!

Daily Post 0071: My Eyes Don’t Want to Stay Open

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I suppose I should write. But that means thinking, and that sounds really lame right now.

Today was busy, a little overwhelming at the end. But overall a good day. A productive day.

I woke up at 7am with my alarm. My phone survived the ordeal, so the day was off to a great start. Sadly I was still crazy tired. It was hard for me to fall asleep for some reason. I think I only got around 4 hours of sleep.

I went back to sleep until 8. At least I think it was 8. Maybe it was closer to 9. I don’t remember the morning all that well. Eventually there was coffee and coherent thoughts.

I made my Push Goal promise today. This is the part that’s hard for me. The first time I did this challenge I was literally sick after making the post on Facebook. My anxiety over what people would think was that bad.

It is still hard to post things like that, but I am learning how to handle the confusing yarn ball of emotions generated by actions like that better.

I posted my concept sketch for my assignment this week.

I left the apartment around 10am to do laundry. It was a late start, and it sort of threw off the rest of my day, but I was still so tired. Everything felt heavy, fuzzy. Everything took so much effort.

I got caught up on my WordPress reading while laundry was going. I made a post for the Daily Prompt. I replied to a few blogs. I was supposed to go to the gym, but I didn’t.

I came home and worked on my script. I actually got the second part complete, so there’s only one more section I want to fix up now. Then I can put it online. It would be fantastic if I could do that by this weekend.

I worked on Tre’s animation for a while. I was having hardcore anxiety over that. I know it’s silly. But I was worried about it. I haven’t animated anything in three years. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I had forgotten everything and that I would completely suck at it.

I was slow at first, but I didn’t suck. My workflow is getting faster, and I like how the animation is turning out. I sent Tre and WIP video and we had some good back and forth feedback. So I have a more solid direction to go in. It’s not just me hoping it turns out right.

Despite the rough start, I’m glad that I worked on the animation. I’m glad I didn’t save it as the last thing for my day. Working on it proved that I can overcome fear, because that’s all it was. Silly, irrational Fear, annoyingly whispering in my head.

Fuck you, Fear. I’ll show you who’s boss.

After a few hours I took a break, which turned into an hour nap. I think I seriously needed it. I don’t think I would have been able to make it through my lab without it.

When I woke up I animated more. I went to the dojo at 7. Before I left Joshua said that I had mail. One of the Taekwondo books had been delivered, so I was able to take that with me and give it to Alejandro. I hope mine comes in soon.

Sensei Jan was the instructor tonight. We ran through the 6 Kyu  requirements since I am up for testing this month.

I don’t think I’m going to though. I don’t think I will feel ready. I’m really not interested in testing at the moment to be honest. I would like for my mom to be there, which wouldn’t be possible at the end of this month. So it might be a little while before I actually test. That just means I’ll completely ace it when I do take it.

Anyway, class was pretty awesome. I’m glad I went.

I came back home, showered, then went into work which had me bouncing around non-stop, which is where things got dicey. I was tired. I wanted to be left alone, but not only were there my normal students for lab, but Rhonda, Nicole, and Desiree all came in and had questions, too.

I wanted to be alone because I was tired and everything was draining. I wanted to shift through my thoughts. I wanted to work on my rig, or the other part of the script. I have reading to do for school.

And I know right now it’s just because I’m tired that things are bothering me. Like how Joshua and Susan keep all of there shoes at the front door, which wouldn’t be bad except that the front door opens up to a hallway, not an expansive room, so I have to trip over their shoes every time I come home to get to my room.

Any other night I wouldn’t care, but right now I’m frustrated by it because it would have been nice to have been able to open the door fully instead of having to squeeze into the apartment because the shoes wouldn’t let the door open all the way.

It would have been nice to have my last hour of work in solitude so I could decompress from so much social stimulation, but I didn’t get that hour. Matthew stayed because he was having some issues with his rig.

I totally didn’t mind helping him out, and I enjoyed the conversation, but it wasn’t restorative silence like what I wanted. I didn’t get to do any of my reading.

I’m tired and the only things I can think of are the things I didn’t get to. The things I didn’t solve.

I tried going to the bank this morning, before laundry. Jon said that the money has already been withdrawn from his account and that his bank said it was up to my bank to figure out the issue of the money not showing up.

So I went to my bank and told the lady about the issue. Without any information there wasn’t much she could do. So I messaged Jon to get the confirmation number. Which I still haven’t gotten from him yet.

It’s just frustrating.

Today was a pretty awesome day so I don’t know why right now I’m so frustrated with it. I really aught to just go to sleep and do this again in the morning when I can think clearly instead of in a cloud of pissed off because I’m forcing myself to stay awake.