Daily Post 017: Completing Today

I guess now is as good a time as any to keep my word about writing at the end of each night.

I’m at work right now. But really, before I get into that, Let me go back and get through the rest of my day. I spent most of my lab today writing and figuring out what I want to be doing with my time / life. Not surprising a lot of it isn’t work related.

I feel better about catching back up with the challenge. I stayed a little late after work to talk with a co-worker about the Faculty Scholarship Program. I explained what my experience has been so far, what I’ve liked, what I haven’t, why I’m doing it, what I plan to do later. That kind of thing. We both talked about how we are not feeling fulfilled at work. How there’s not vertical movement for either of us, and how we’re sort of tired of being stagnant.

It wasn’t like the bitchfest that I had with Frank shortly before going on vacation. It was a much calmer discussion. I actually really enjoyed it and I think I have a clearer understanding of my own discontent. That kept me at work until around 5:30. I made it home at 5:45, tired from the bike ride.

Zane was home already. He cooked dinner while I showered. Nothing fancy. Just some burger patties with onion and mushrooms. I topped mine off with cheese. No bread. Just a crap ton of protein, which I was craving.

We ended up fighting again, and again, neither of us knows why.

He said all he wants is for me to smile again. I reminded him that I was smiling and laughing during the game on Sunday, which he seemed sort of taken aback by.

Eventually we went grocery shopping. I saw a former student while we were there. He just got hired at EA Sports, so we were talking about that, and a few other former students / friends. I explained what was going on, in brief detail, with my life, work, school, etc. It was an unexpected encounter, but it wasn’t a bad one. Zane gathered up most of the items we needed while I was talking. I was grateful for that.

We came back home afterwards and put the groceries away. There’s coffee creamer for tomorrow, and bacon for my egg sandwiches. Much happiness.

Zane ended up being out of the room for a bit to set up the hookah, not that I was going to smoke. I was running warm from not drinking enough water over the past few days. That gave me time to curl up on the bed in solitude and decompress from the fight earlier.

When he came back into the room we agreed that we wouldn’t watch Arrow. Instead he put headphones in to listen to his own shows while I kept my eyes closed, relaxing. Eventually I moved around so I could be closer to Zane. He put his hand on my head, petting me.

We ended up talking. Really talking, not fight talking. I said that I felt we were both super sensitive to each other. He always expected me to be upset and I always expected him to be angry. Like how he couldn’t remember me smiling, and I can’t remember anything other than his reprimands even though I know he says nice things to me all the time.

Since I hadn’t had my school badge with me while we were at the store I had to go back out to work to drop off my lunches and the case of water, which is why I’m currently not at home. I like that I’m here though. The break room is empty. I’ve been able to think and not worry about anyone else being around me.

Zane wants me to sleep next to him tonight. He wants to wake up next to me. I’m worried. What if I can’t fall asleep? What if we’re broken? What if we can’t survive until the 30^th when he gets paid? Or rather, that’s when he’ll be able to cash his check. What if I’m too tired and jaded to keep fighting for us? What if I give up too easy now?

Blah. I don’t want to play the what if game, but it seems to be what my brain wants to focus on.

Tangenting back to today… I completed my braindump after I got done putting all of my lunch stuff away. I ran out of paper in my notebook. Boooooooo!!!!!! So much lame! Like… words cannot express how uncool it is to not have paper right now.

So I need to get a new notebook from my stash tomorrow morning. I have a to-do list for tomorrow on my Google Drive though. I have a pretty big list for this week, and a decent amount for my “this month” and “soon” categories. I suppose I should add “go through omni focus” to the list so I can get that set back up.

I don’t know. Right now I’m sort of happy with where I’m at. As I start getting stuff taken care of I’ll find more things I want to do. I’ll have more positive feelings of accomplishment and success which will make me want to take on more. I know my list isn’t 100% complete, but it’s fairly complete, and that’s enough for me. That’s enough for tonight.

With my school work on pause I’ll have more time to figure things out, soul search and whatnot, which is the whole point of taking the leave of absence. Cleaning up my life so I can stop tripping and stumbling around in the dark, hoping that I don’t end up breaking my ankle.

And with that I’m going to go so I can stitch for a little bit before going home. And finish the bottles of water sitting in front of me… because I need to stop being a dehydrated slacker in that department.

Musing Moment 0062: Catching Up

I feel sort of lame. I’m already like five days behind on this challenge. Off to a great start… But I’m going to try to keep pushing forward with it.

Day 3 – Goals

Day three is when you pick 10 goals you want to work on. Sadly I think this is the first time where I can’t really think of any. Maybe it’s because I’m still floundering in a lot of the areas of my life. This is what I came up with though.

Create a new rigging demo reel
in the next six months.

I want to create a new reel. One that isn’t full of my student work. I want to find projects that actually inspire me to use my skills and improve my talents instead of freelance projects that are frustrating and unfulfilling. Maybe actually working on projects I’m invested in will help to spark my interest in my field once again and help combat the burnout I’m experiencing.

Get gauntlet and grieve tattoos
in next six months.

I’m tired of not having my tattoos, which is something I’ve complained about on and off since the beginning of this blog. I will not compromise on these any longer. In the next six months I will obtain this marks because I deserve to have them. I have met all of the goals for them and I am doing a disserve to myself by denying my right to have them.

Rebrand professional website
in the next nine months.

Along the same lines as creating a new reel, updating my branding could help revive my passion for my work. Cleaning up my professional website, possibly even creating my own rather than using Wix could help give me purpose and drive, along with a sense of accomplishment for actually creating something.

Run a Warrior Dash
in the next nine months.

I have always thought of doing this. Training for a Warrior Dash would line up with my health goals, and again, give me something to be motivated for. Completing or even attempting a Warrior Dash will show me that I have actually made progress in this area of my life. When I graduated high school there was no way I could have participated in something like this. Even now, I know I wouldn’t fair every well. But with training and dedication there’s no reason I couldn’t. This is something I want for myself.

Reach a size 14
by next December.

Numbers really do not matter to me. My goal is to be healthy, but I feel this is a realistic number that I can reach in my overarching goal for better health. It will be the smallest I can remember being in my adult life.

Become a black belt in Aikido
by next December.

This will be an ambitious goal, especially with how I am currently not practicing. I feel I could reach this goal, however. I want to attempt it. I want to go back to my dojo. I want the peace I found in practicing. I want to prove to myself that I can still learn new skills and grow. I want to reach the first level of Dan so I can push even further.

Become a black belt in Taekwondo
by next December.

This follows the goal for Aikido. I enjoy this style of martial arts. I like the difference I feel compared to Aikido. I want to reach a black belt in this form to prove to myself that I can.

Pay off the car loan and
Bank of America card by next December.

I don’t know how I can do this one. Especially right now, from where I’m at, which feels trapped and tied down. There are so many ways I could though. I could actually do the Fredinator contract so I get revenue from my YouTube channel. I could create scripts to sell. I could take on the Metaverse form moderator position. I have avenues I could pursue to actually accomplish this ambitious, almost outrageous, goal. I could begin taking on freelance projects for my design degree. I need to find the avenue that would give me fulfillment so the time and effort put towards this goal will seem worth it.

Complete quilt for Jace
by next January.

My nephew is growing up so fast. It makes me realize how much I’m not doing with my life currently. How I’m thrashing and struggling, but against myself, and hurting only myself in the process. His birthday is in January. I don’t have the time to start and finish a full quilt by the time his birthday comes around, but I do want to complete a quilt for him by his next birthday. It was something I told my mom I wanted to do for Jace when he was born and I feel if I actually began work on this project AND completed it that I would feel accomplished. I feel I would have given Jace something meaningful, something of myself.

Day 4 – Push Goal

So out of all the things I listed there’s a main goal, a push goal, which will make the other ones easier to accomplish. By working towards it, I’m also working towards other objectives and so there’s a bit of a domino affect.

I believe my push goal, at least at the moment, would be to train for my Warrior Dash. By training for it I would not only be working towards my goal of running the race, but I could incorporate training for my aikido and taekwondo goals into it as well, and all of those goals push me close to my goal of being healthier.

Which, honestly, I think those goals will make me happier than my other ones. I want to focus on my self. I want to be selfish and indulge in my shadow traits and take time for me, to make me better, stronger. Training would give me alone time. It would give me space. It would be working me towards where I’ve wanted to be for a while now.

I want to shut out my career which is full of expectations from other people. Outside voices and noise. I want to shut out school, social, and life in general. I want to lose myself in myself and when I reemerge I will come out transformed. A better me.

Thinking about these goals, reaching them, makes me feel calmer, motivated. It makes me want to go out and do things. It makes me feel like there’s a reason to get up.

Day 5 – Important Person Promise

I’m supposed to promise important people in my life that I’m going to reach my goals, but you know what? I’m not going to promise anyone this time. This isn’t an obligation. This isn’t for other people so they can have the power to make me feel bad or like I’ve disappointed them.

This is for me, because I want to feel better. This is for me to prove that I can as long as I stop standing in my own way.

Day 6 – The To-Do List

I’ve gotten slack with this. I don’t make my lists in a consistent place or time. I just hope and pray that I am able to get to it before my day goes into chaos.

No longer.

I will write my blog EVERY NIGHT before going to sleep. I will make sure I have time to do it, before I get too tired. I will go back to having a cup of tea every night, and as I drink my tea I will write my blog and before going to sleep I will write my to-do list for the coming day. I will see what time restraints I have, and figure out what I want to get taken care of in the windows of time I have. I will make sure there is always time for my training. I will make sure I provide myself enough time to recharge. I will limit the social obligations I give myself because right now socializing isn’t my priority.

Training and recharging through activities such as cross stitching my nephew’s quilt are both things that will help me improve my emotional health and help me get closer to the goals I am currently focusing on.

Day 7 – The Brain Dump

Currently I’m on day seven, but I don’t feel like I can finish this task before the end of work, and really I would rather be at home when I do this section any way. So I will save it for now and do an additional post for it later.

Aside from figuring out my goals, I feel this is the most important thing to complete. Figuring out my life, the tasks and loose ends that need to be taken care of so I feel like I’m on top of things again rather than drowning in all of my incomplete “obligations”. This is where I clean house and figure out where I am, and give myself a battle plan for getting back in control.

So yeah, I need more than 10 minutes for this. I’m happy with all of the progress I have made so far, though. I’m feeling like I have direction again.

Daily Post 016: Keeping On

So right now I’m back at work. Shading and Lighting with Frank. We’ve already talked about the bike, how it’s holding up, the roads I’m taking to get to and from work, etc. I haven’t told him about the bike adventure of last Thursday, but it didn’t seem relevant in the conversation at the time.

I suppose I should start with the end of Sunday, and then Monday since that happened, and I guess the little bit that I’ve done today…

Sunday’s Game

The game actually ended up being alright. I couldn’t be ok. So I sat in the living room cross stitching while I listened to what everyone was doing.

When our party entered the city there was a celebration going on. We secured rooms at one of the local taverns and then went about our different priorities. My character is not one for drinking and partying, so she went to the stable to be with her mount, which is where she spent most of the night.

The rest of my companions either went to sleep in the rooms in the tavern or went out to gather what information they could from the celebrating citizens.

Around midnight my character was woken by a mole person sticking her with a needle. She struggled but was unable to prevent the syringe from being decompressed, injecting her with some sort of liquid. She lost consciousness shortly afterwards.

When she awoke she was suspended from her wrists, naked, in a fairly small, low lite room. She wasn’t able to hear much of anything, but she did notice that the rope around her ankles was loose.

A mole person came into the room shortly after she came to, carrying a tray of instruments, scalpels, a bone saw, and such.

There was a small exchange between my character and the mole. Essentially he wanted any and all information that I had. When I refused to answer any of his questions he came closer to me, trying to compel me to answer his questions by tracing a scalpel down my torso.

By that time I had freed my feet from their bonds and kicked the mole creature back from me. He huffed indignantly and walked out of the room. Taking advantage of my solitude I used my claw like nails to cut the rope around my wrists. I ran up to the door to see if I could hear anything. Silence. So I went back to the tray and picked up a knife and scalpel, ruffling through the papers that were on the table beside all of the torture utensils. They were just blank pages though, most likely to record anything of importance my character might have said.

My character went back to the door, still not hearing anything from the other side. She opened the door a bit to peer outside. She saw a guard, sleeping against the wall not far from her, down the other side of the hall I saw a few of my companions taking out other mole people, one of them being the mole that was in my room earlier.

Taking the opportunity while it presented itself I killed the sleeping guard, stabbing him in the neck with the knife I had taken from the table.

And that’s where the game ended. Everyone else’s character’s had their own encounters in there own rooms, but that’s player knowledge verses character knowledge. So since my character doesn’t know what was going on I’m not going to write about it.

Uke ended up buying pizza, so for once I didn’t have to buy food for everyone. It was really nice. They even got a BBQ chicken pizza for me.

While we were waiting for the pizza to be delivered we took a break. Everyone started talking about the new Star Wars game coming out. Battle something or other… Totally not interested in it. And it was a pretty loud conversation, so I went back to the room to get some alone time.

While I was there Zane came in to check on me. There was a lot of touching, with the promise of more later. I wanted the contact so much. I wanted the connection and the closeness. It isn’t even about the sex anymore so much as just feeling like he’s still there.

But nothing actually happened. He had said that I had to sleep in the room that night. But at the end of the game he brought my pillows and sheet out to the living room. I said that I thought we were supposed to sleep together, but he replied with that I had said I wanted to sleep in the living room earlier.

I didn’t have it in me to feel anything anymore that night. I just went to sleep. And that was Sunday.

Nothing but miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Monday

Zane and I were supposed to wake up to have breakfast together. Zane ended up waking up a bit late and there wasn’t time to eat. He kissed me goodbye and left. I went back to sleep for a bit, but eventually got up for some reason.

I eventually did laundry even though I didn’t want to do anything. I took the paper for the roommate addition form to the office, too.

I never made it to the store to buy lunches for my week. I didn’t feel up to going to the store though. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to bike to school with how heavy and tired I felt. Emotional tiredness, depression, rather than actual body soreness.

I didn’t want to do anything. But I did. Go me.

I spent a few hours sitting on the couch letting my mind try to work out what I was feeling. Why I hurt as much as I did when nothing had happened that day.

One of the comments that was bothering me was Zane saying that he needed to get socks for work. It wasn’t a request though. It was a statement. That made me angry because it’s not his money and I just bought him pens, and I keep paying for us to go out to places. It’s not something he’s entitled to, and if I’m honest the only reason it’s even bothering me is because I’m angry and hurt. If things were ok between us I wouldn’t care. But things aren’t ok, so I do care, and that was part of my morning being icky.

More expectations from me, when I feel unfulfilled and used. Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I’m going to sit here and dig my heels in and not be compliant. Because that’s the adult thing to do…

I did bike to school. There has been a nice breeze the past few days. I ended up working alone yesterday because David was sick. I was super unprepared for work because I left my laptop at home, trying to reduce the weight in my backpack. Only… I can’t access any of the servers I need to without my laptop, so I couldn’t take attendance. >.<;

Clavan was there, so he was able to take role for me. He wanted to make sure I was feeling better and that I had gotten his email. He said that he knew that I would never willingly speak up for myself, and that I would try to soldier on even if a situation wasn’t working well for me. Like working six days a week for over a year.

He said that even if I’m only working a half shift on some of those days that it still is draining, and he knows that. How it feels like I live at the school. I admitted to not getting the recharge that I need and that was part of the factor to taking the week off.

I need to get him a card to say thank you. I feel like I should apologize for being a less than stellar employee for the past few months. Nothing that has happened has been Clavan’s fault, and I shouldn’t be taking it out on my job. I really need to figure out a few goals for my career since currently I don’t have any. I’ve dropped literally everything in this area of my life and I can feel that directionless within myself.

Anywho, lab was fine. I stitched for the whole time. There were a few questions, but for the most part it was quiet. I listened to music and tried to feel better. I biked back home, ate, and showered. I started stitching again as the bad feelings grew.

Zane came home early due to a management meeting.

We ended up having a super, massive, almost break up fight. I tried to leave the apartment because I wanted to get away from all of it, and he said if I walked out I would be walking away from the relationship. Which I guess I would have been. I would have been saying it wasn’t worth trying to figure it out.

We’re still together. We slept next to each other last night for the first time in a while. I don’t remember when the last time was. We watched a few episodes of Arrow together, cuddling. The closeness helped.

I’m still sort of raw from it.

One of John’s cats ended up peeing on our comforter while everyone was at work. So we had to stay up for the laundry. I was supposed to stay awake with Zane, but wasn’t able to. I ended up falling asleep because I was so tired from the emotional conflict of the past few days. I’m not sure how much sleep he got, but I don’t think it was much. He said he stayed up after the laundry was done to finish watching a few shows, which that’s totally on him.

I kept waking up last night. Around 5am I went back out to the living room so I wouldn’t be annoying with my constant tossing and turning. I didn’t fall back asleep and was awake when Zane came out of the room.

We didn’t do breakfast. He left for work.

I think things are still ok. I know having a hug would make me feel better. More reassured. I know I’m going to feel like this for a little bit. Tentative, unsure, hesitant.

Halfway Through Tuesday

After Zane left I went back to sleep in the bed. I didn’t sleep that much longer. I woke up, cleaned the kitchen, and checked my email. I didn’t have coffee creamer so I tried to use milk and honey. It didn’t work. So we’re going to have to go to the store tonight. I’m not going to go without coffee, and having food and water at school would be fantastic.

I showered and packed everything up, including my laptop, then went to school. And that’s where I currently am.

I emailed my Faculty Adviser and requested a two month Leave of Absence from my classes. It’s basically like pushing the pause button on my classes. I’m still a student, I’m just on hiatus.

I think that would be a good thing. Instead of letting my grades suffer while I try to get everything back into order in the other areas of my life. I need to figure out myself, and my career. School is supposed to be a hobby on the side of everything, not an added stress, which right now it is. I’m not enjoying it, and I’m slacking off on my assignments again because I don’t feel like they’re worth it. They’re not contributing to anything in my life other than my unhappiness.

I need to soul search, and I’m hoping this LOA will give me the time and space I need to do it.

So that’s been my day so far.

I feel like I’ve been chewed up and spit back out by the ocean. But I’m pushing myself back up.

Get knocked down seven times, get back up eight.

Daily Post 015: The End of My Vacation

This is from Sunday. A lot more has happened since writing this, but staying true to myself I’m not going to go back and change anything that I wrote because this is what I felt at the time.

I will, eventually, when I can find time and willpower, write a new post since I didn’t write yesterday.

I haven’t written in days, so I’m pretty sure that means this is going to be obnoxiously long. It doesn’t help that Zane and I had a spat so all of that emotional angst is at the surface, and most likely still will be once I get around to writing about today, so there’s going to be a billion pages worth of that to spew onto the blank document in front of me, because it’s deserving of all of the anger and hurt that I’m tired of carrying round… Also, I don’t believe in using periods in my sentences apparently.

Fantastic Friday

Friday started with me waking up and biking to school. It was an awesome ride. I crossed both major streets without incident and made it round trip in about 30 minutes. Not a bad ride at all.

I had a little bit of anxiety in the beginning, worrying about the huge ordeal with the bike on Thursday, but everything as super smooth. Huzzah.

When I got home I had breakfast and unloaded the dishwasher. I cross stitched on and off through most of the day but was super productive in all of my inbetween intervals.

I got the fridge completely washed out. I went through and looked at every bottle in the blasted thing and threw out anything past expiration. Without mercy. I even cleaned the freezer and organized all the ~~crap~~ stuff in there so it’s stacked and everything is easy to get to.

After all of the cleaning I took a shower. I cooked one of the Hamburger meals we still had in the pantry, and was going to cook a tuna casserole, but realized we didn’t have butter or milk for it. I wasn’t feeling up for going back out, especially at the prospect of having to walk to the grocery store during rush hour… But there is a CVS in the plaza where my ex-gym is at, which isn’t all that far. So I figured if I was up for it in about an hour I would go check it out. I knew they would at least have milk. Hopefully butter, too.

With that decided I went back to cross stitching and actually finished the pattern I was working on. From there I meal planned for the coming week. Zane and I are going to do lunches separately, so really we only need to figure out two or three meals depending on the serving size. We going to be doing green curry and his sriracha chicken rice bowl.

Since I’m going to be biking to school I’m going to get portable tuna lunches with protein bars to stash at work so I don’t have to worry about 1) remembering to pack extra stuff into my book bag and 2) reduce the weight I’ll need to carry in my bag. I also plan to get a case of water for work so I don’t have to worry about that either. I’ll always have water for before and after the bike ride.

After the meal planning I went to the store, taking the bike so I could get a feel for using the lock and chain that Frank gave me. The CVS had everything that I needed, and the lock worked fine. Wooo.

With that mission completed I came back to the apartment and took stock of the fridge and pantry to figure out what needed to be added to the shopping list for the coming week, then because I was done standing for a bit I went back to my computer where I basically deleted all of my files.

That wasn’t my original intention. I was just trying to clean things up a bit, but when I asked myself, “Do I need this information?”, “Is there really a point to hold on to this?” the answer was no more often than not. So to the trashcan it went. I even went through my external hard drive… There was something like 98,000 objects to delete. Needless to say emptying the trashcan on my computer is still an ongoing process….

It’s good though. I like that I’ve gotten rid of a bunch of stuff that I don’t want, or use. I don’t have to hunt and dig around for stuff anymore. I even found a picture that I forgot I had. A cross stitch that I completed for Joe, a friend from high school. I made him a wedding gift which I had completely forgot to post because I was saving it for after their wedding.

So that was a worth-while endeavor.

I went back and fixed up a previous cross stitch because I realized I didn’t know how to spell… That was embarrassing. Glad I caught the mistake before mailing it off.

I ended up cooking the tuna casserole along with writing Saturday’s to-do list. I even made it through my personal email along with setting up a new cross stitch project, because I totally don’t have a needle addiction and can stop whenever I want… >.>;

Before going to bed I put the two most recent projects I had finished into a pitcher of warm water with some Oxyclean to soak overnight.

And that wrapped up my Friday.

Saturday

During Friday evening Zane and I had a spat. He got upset at me because I put a dish he was using into the dishwasher. I guess that’s a sensitive thing for him from an ex who would literally take plates away from him, even if he was still eating.

He actually cursed and said he would like to enjoy a meal without my need to clean interfering.

It hurt. I hadn’t been trying to start a fight. I had been trying to clean the kitchen so we could enjoy the evening together. Everything had been fine until then.

I slept on the couch because I wanted to be alone. I had planned to clean the floor boards and super scrub the floor down towards the end of Saturday afternoon. Instead I woke up at 8 in the morning to do it before anyone woke up. I didn’t want more fighting over the fact that I was cleaning.

I scrubbed down the pantry and kitchen doors, too.

After that I packed up my car with the stuff that has been sitting in the living room, waiting to be taking to donation for months, along with a few things I wanted to add to the storage unit. It took a while to get everything out of the apartment, down the stairs and into my car. Like… 4 trips up and down stairs. After all of the cleaning and scrubbing… yeah… That’s my workout… except, oh yeah… I still have all of the boxes to go through in the storage unit. >.<

FML. Why do I do this to myself?

So with the car packed I headed to the U-Haul storage unit. I went through literally every box I have in there, which actually isn’t all that much. I went through the handful of clothes that I have stored, mostly winter stuff which I don’t need at the moment, but I did filter out some cloths to add to the donation box.

Mostly I was going through the new things my mom had brought down with her the last time she came to visit. Things from high school. Things from my grandparents. All of my tax information from before I moved to Florida. My birth certificate.

It was pretty emotional for me, and left me feeling raw. Exposed. There’s still a white box that I brought back with me to go through. I’m pretty sure it is all of my graduation stuff from high school. I know it’s going to be hard. Mmm, maybe hard isn’t the right word…

It’s going to be intense. I’m not sure what all is in it, and I didn’t want to go through more rough stuff at the moment, so I packed it into the car and brought it home.

Before going home though I put the donation box in the “Reuse” section of the storage unit. If anyone wants anything in that area they can take it, for free. It’s how I got two of my bookcases actually. You can find some pretty awesome stuff.

Once back in the car I headed to school to scan my art homework and my two cross stitchings, which I totally forgot. I ironed them Saturday morning before I started cleaning the kitchen.

All of this happened before noon… Yeah… crazy productive. At least in my eyes.

My crusade in the kitchen is done. The only cleaning I wanted to do further was vacuuming the living room and room. Which I didn’t get to today, so I’ll most likely do it tomorrow after everyone leaves for work.

Anywho, with all that done, I came back home and woke Zane up because he asked me to do that once I was done with my morning battle plan. We ended up going out to lunch for sushi, which was really nice. We got gas for the car and $20 worth of lunch money for Zane while we were out. By the time we were back home I was so done with being out and about.

We set up shop in the living room where we watched Arrow for the rest of the night, even though Zane’s watched several episodes without me. I stitched a fair amount on my new project and was happy with the progress I made.

There was one instance where I had to undo a section, but it was in an easy location, and I didn’t have to redo anything else around it because of my mishap, so all in all, it wasn’t that bad.

Zane slept on the couch last night, saying that he wanted me to use the bed. Scarlet slept with me for a while, curled up beside my head on my pillow. I slept pretty deep which is a change for how crummy I have been sleeping lately. It was nice.

Sunday So Far

And that brings me to today.

Zane and I had made plans to do a special breakfast. Something different from what we normally do. We were going to wake up and go to the store to get fruit and buttermilk and make pancakes. We didn’t wake up until 10:30 though, so that sort of messed those plans up.

Around 11 I went out to ride the bike again. I did 8 miles today, going over a bike trail bridge, which was pretty intense on my legs. I wanted the ride today to be intense though, that way tomorrow will feel like a cakewalk. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

When I got back home from the bike ride Zane and I revised our game plan. I would shower, we would get lunch again, and then go to a plaza where there’s a craft store, because I ran out of one of the treads my project needs, and because he wanted pens for work, and there’s an office store in the same plaza. I even had the idea to get new highlighters if there were ones I liked.

So that’s what we did. We had lunch at Moe’s and it was a great meal with good, playful conversation. We went to the office store first where Zane got his pens. Because we were at a Bed, Bath, and Beyond I looked at their body pillows. Zane gave me funny looks as I hugged the pillow, so I explained that I had to test it for “squish-y-ness”. He just smiled at me like I was being cute or something instead of conducting a highly important quality assurance test.

I suppose I should mention that the pillow did pass its test and is now awaiting continued testing at the apartment (I’m currently at work).

We dropped the pillow off at the car, then went to the craft store which is where the day blew up for whatever reason. I found the thread I needed without an issue, and got more fabric while I was there since I’ve gone through so much, and because I would have felt silly swiping my card for 40 cents worth of tread.

Before we went into the store I had mentioned possibly stopping for something sweet, like ice cream or a milk shake. While we were in the craft store Zane said something. I honestly don’t remember what. I remember it was a reprimand. I had said something about the ice cream, like not wanting to go to the mall for it because there would most likely be a lot of people. I was getting worn out from being out and from my bike ride. I wanted something quiet.

And then there was this negative energy from Zane, from out of nowhere. And I haven’t recovered from it. I feel bad. I feel like every time I try to have a nice day something happens and it’s all pointless.

We saw a frozen yogurt place one the way home. Zane saw it actually, so I turned so we could go there. I didn’t know how I was going to survive the experience. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to eat anything. I was regretting lunch, which was sitting like iron in my stomach.

I parked the car. Zane asked if I was alright, to which I only nodded. It was a lie. Probably super obvious, too, but I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to make things better. I wanted things to be ok. So I got out of the car. When Zane got out he asked if this would make me feel better. I shook my head no, because it wouldn’t. I was trying to do it for him more than anything.

He said that we should just go home then. So we did, with feeling of failure sinking further into my skin like shards of ice. I’m proud that I didn’t cry in the car. I made it all the way home.

I packed my backpack with all my work stuff, and actually made it into work without breaking down.

Our plans for grocery shopping have been postponed until I don’t know when. Zane said since we didn’t need anything right away that we should save it for later.

Since I have been on vacation all week I had grading that I needed to do before Monday, which is what I’ve been doing. Ignoring the new hurts. Hurts that I don’t even understand.

All of the grading is done. I’ve deactivated my Facebook and deleted a few other media accounts. I’m sure I’ll keep stumbling across ones I want to get ride of.

The game is tonight. At 6:30. I don’t want to play. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to go home, which sucks. Things have been so much better recently to go back to feeling this icky. Over a comment I don’t even remember.

And this is where I’m going to spew all that ickiness out because I need a place to do it.

I feel like Zane and I are slowly become not whatever it is we were. Companions. That’s what we called ourselves. But lately there hasn’t been much warmth. There’s been a lot of fighting. There’s been a lot of distance and hurt and more and more sleeping on the couch because I can’t sleep next to him because things don’t feel right between us.

As shallow as it may sound, there’s hardly ever sex, which has been a point of contention in some of my other relationships. Sex is important to me. And I’m not going to feel ashamed for wanting it. It sucks when my partner doesn’t though. I don’t like going weeks without intimacy. It makes me feel detached. And when fighting is thrown into the mix and I feel wounded I makes me want to pull away when my partner does reach out. They’re a source of pain. Things aren’t ok, so sex wouldn’t be right. And then when I reach out it’s the wrong time, so I feel rejected.

Why can’t it be easy? Why does there have to be all these annoying emotions tied to everything? Why can’t I accept the fact that sex isn’t important to most people and it’s not this deep emotionally connecting action? Why can’t I align inside of my head that it’s a biological function and remove the emotional aspect from it completely?

Or the hugs and handholding and kissing and stupid girly things that I actually do crave and want. Why can’t I be more sensing and less feeling? INSJ verses INFJ. Would that make things easier? Would I feel things less intensely?

I wonder if I would hurt less. If things would bother me less. If it would be more information and else emotion. I wonder if I would feel less rejected, less threatened.

Part of me thinks about the conversation we had a while ago where he said he knew we would break up eventually because my goal is to end up living alone again. How he’s ok with that. And even thinking about that conversation makes it hard to see because my eyes sting with unshed tears. Tears I refuse to cry because I would rather be angry than cry.

What’s the point then? Why should we be together? Why should I keep trying to be open and vulnerable when 1) it only leads to be being hurt and feeling attacked and 2) it’s just going to end anyway. Honestly, why go through any of this then, because right now it’s not worth it. There’s nothing in the future that makes it worth it because it’s just going to end anyway, so I’ll be left with nothing.

Why did today have to get messed up? Why do I have to be part of this stupid pathfinder game where I’m surrounded by people who expect me to have fun and smile when all I want to do is scream, over everything. It’s not just one thing. It’s everything.

It’s the past four months of his unemployment. It’s the money that I’ve spent on dates that get ruined. It’s the lack of affection and feeling like all I ever do is mess things up because all I’m ever told is that he’s upset with something I’ve done. It’s my frustration with work. It’s my frustration with myself. It’s my anger and resentment and hurt over every stupid thing that’s bothered me.

It’s a swell of emotions that I don’t know what to do with, but I’m tired of having to fight through this crashing wave all the time because it never seems to go away. It pulls back, leaving me thinking, like a child, that the water is gone. Forever. And I dance on the wet sand, only to be shocked when the water comes back, pushing against me, covering my feet and legs, making it hard to move.

I’ve had an awesome week. A fantastic vacation, and yet the only thing I can focus on is this one instance where my world feels like it’s trying to shatter again, and I’m sitting here trying to crush the pieces back into place. Sheer force of will preventing things from falling to the floor. I’m tired of having to put so much effort into things not breaking. It’s not supposed to be this hard. It’s not supposed to feel like it’s killing me.

Why does happiness have to be so hard? Why does the opinion of people close to me hurt more than a stranger? Why is it that it feels like the only people who can hurt me at all are the people I care about? It makes me want to shove everyone away. It makes me feel like people shouldn’t be close. They’re dangerous. It’s only going to lead to stress.

And now I feel written out and empty. Hollow. And I have a game to pack up and go to because the time was changed from 6:30 to 6:15 and I’m already late.

Dragon’s Horde 0044: Greatest Treasure

Title: Greatest Treasure
Designed by: Jennifer Aikmen-Smith
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: October 16, 2015

Stitched for Mama Spike

Hey Mama Spike,

I know things have been rough for you. They have been for me, too. Life just can’t seem to take a hint can it?

I finished this piece yesterday but never got a round to posting it for you, and then I read your post just now and I feel if there was ever a time to post, now it is.

I know this can’t make anything better. It can’t help do a load of laundry for you, or cook dinner, or any number of the other 10 billion things that we manage to bend time and space to get accomplished every day. Hopefully, what it can do is let you know that I care about you and that I am so incredibly thankful for your friendship. With every stitch I thought of how happy I am that we stumbled into each other in the vastness of the Internet.

I would love to be able to send this piece to you so you can have it. If you could send me a message at conley.setup@gmail.com I would super appreciate it.

You’re always in my thoughts, and I’m wishing you, Spike, and the girls the best. You’re awesome, and amazing, and even though things aren’t always easy, or graceful, you’re getting stuff taken care of, and you aren’t giving up.

You’re strong. You’ve got this, and I’m cheering for you every step of the way.

I hope you enjoy your evening. *cyber hug*

Dragon’s Horde 0043: Wedding Gift

Title: Dragon Love
Designed by: Jennifer Aikmen-Smith
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: November, 2014

I was going through all of the files on my computer, basically cleaning house, when I stumbled upon this little guy. I completely forgot that I had this image. It never made it to my Facebook album or my Dropbox folder, much less my blog.

It’s been almost a year, but I still want to post it. It was stitched for one of my best friends from high school, Joe, and his now wife, Katy. : 3

Daily Post 014: Vaca – Days 2, 3, and 4

So much to write about. Like… three days of craziness. x.x

Tuesday the Triumphant

Tuesday was a day of complete and total kick-assery.

Once Zane left for work the day started with posting my blog for Monday followed by cooking oatmeal so there would be easy breakfast meals for Zane during the rest of the week. I started laundry, then went about cooking dinner so all of the meal stuff would be done.

I called the leasing office to find out about the application fee. It isn’t waived for students, because they’re lame. It has to be a $50 money order, which isn’t bad. Just have to go to the bank for it first. Cool.

The laundry was ready to be switched by then, so I did that. I started working on my yearly review information, which meant reviewing my yearly goals. I wasn’t able to do two of them. The art show was never held this year, so there was no way I could do that one. And the other was to host the 3D Blitz event which I didn’t have in me to do this year.

I found out that all of the classes I have been taking, all 13 of them so far, have to be entered manually into the system we use as work. Shoot me in the face now. ;-;

That’s going to be either my Friday, or one of the first things I take the time to do at work next week, so it’s out of the way or at least started since it’s going to be a bit of a process.

While I was looking at all of those files, which are stored on my Google Drive, I went ahead and did some final management. Mostly deleting garbage off my Drive that I don’t need anymore, though I did move some folders around and restructure a bit.

I printed off the form to change my voting party, filled it out, and got it packed away into a filled out envelope. And that’s are far as I’ll go into it because I actually am not all that big on politics.

I replied to several messages on Facebook and reached out to several people I haven’t “spoken” to in a while.

Cloths were done drying by then so I went to retrieve them AND put them away. /flex

I took time to eat lunch, but only because I added it to my to-do. Otherwise I’m sure I would have kept going, forgetting the fact that, oh yeah, I need food.

I emailed another company about the certification testing I’m trying to accomplish… still no word back from them, so I’m feeling like it was wasted effort.

I worked on my cross stitch project after that since it wasn’t even 1pm yet and I was already feeling like the productive badass that I am.

Around 1:30 I showered then headed outside with my phone and headphones, music playing in my skull. I went to the LA gym and canceled my membership. It was actually a super painless process. No need to talk to a pushy trainer who was going to try to convince me to stay. If I want to renew my membership at the same rate I have until March next year to do so. We’ll see how it works out, but I think I’ll be happy with going back to the Y.

From there I walked over to the Publix near the apartment because there was some stuff that we needed to get, and I didn’t feel like waiting for Zane to get home to do it. It was a decent walk, just under a mile there and back, not including the distance I walked in the store. By the time I got home I was pretty done with moving though. My shines were acting up, most likely from running the day before.

Zane came home and agreed to go out with me to mail my voting registration and to see if we could make it to the bank in time to get a money order. No dice on the bank. We got there at 6:05… They close at 6… So much lame.

We ended up coming home and watching a few episodes of Arrow, and that warped up my day. I didn’t sleep well again, and ended up on the couch. I think if I had put ice on my shine I would have slept better, but it was hard to get to sleep and stay there. Seems to be the story of this week…

Maybe I’m just so amped from being on vacation and away from people that I subconsciously don’t want to miss any of it, and feel that sleeping through any part of it would be a waste… I wouldn’t put it past my brain to do / think something like that…

Wednesday…
Because Everything Needs Balance

Wednesday was the total counter to Tuesday. For all that I got done Tuesday, Wednesday started off rough and didn’t get much better.

I woke up with Zane so we could have some time together in the morning, but I was so tired from not sleeping well that I didn’t eat, hardly drank any water, even skipped out on my coffee, and went back to sleep in the bed pretty much right after Zane left for work. I didn’t get out of bed until around 11, and by then it felt like the day was over.

I worked on my art homework a bit. I poked around at doing a digital painting, but ended up going back to a traditional concept that I had earlier last week. It was nice using pencils, but it was hard to stay focused on it when I still felt so tired. I cut up the onion and mushrooms I had gotten at the store on Tuesday, but never got around to cooking with them. I tried to get Spotify to work on the xBox, but that was a pain in the ass that I ended up giving up on.

Seriously… all I wanted was to listen to music on good speakers… ;-;

John, one of my roommates, was home for most of the day as well, which wasn’t a huge deal. Not as big of a deal if he had been home Monday. I’ve been able to get a decent recharge so far, and he was fairly quiet, so all things considered it wasn’t that bad, just mildly annoying.

Zane and I had a spat in the evening. It happened right before I went to Frank’s house to look at the bike he has for sale, so I sat in the car and cried for a bit, went and did my social thing, then came back home.

I really like the bike, but there’s a whole story involving it for today, which I’ll get to. The main thing is that I was locked out of the apartment when I got back.

Since Zane has been using the car, I took my house key off of my key ring, so if I needed to go somewhere I could still get in and out of the apartment.

I guess Zane went to sleep after I left to see Frank, and Trevor went out, locking the door behind him. With the way our apartment is set up, if you have your door closed you can’t really hear someone knocking on the door. And with Zane being asleep he didn’t hear my messages. It took about 10 minutes before he woke up and let me in.

When he did there was no “hi,” no, “sorry.” There was literally nothing as he walked back to the bedroom and shut the door.

I felt like less than a roommate. And with the way I had left the apartment earlier it super sucked. Hardcore sucked. And the night didn’t recover.

I worked on my abstract piece for a bit, trying to accept the hurt I felt. Eventually Zane woke up. We watched two episodes of Arrow together. I didn’t finish my homework like I should have.

I eventually went to the room to try to sleep while Zane kept watching episodes without me. He came into the room at some point to get his cloths for the morning, saying he wasn’t tired and most likely wouldn’t sleep that night. I asked if I would see him before he left for work. He said yes, he would wake me up, but that was it for the most part.

Part of me felt alone, but a larger part of me was glad for the space. I still hurt a lot, and there really wasn’t a way to fix it other than to let me get over it on my own.

And that was the end of Wednesday. Shitty is the word that comes to mind when I think of it.

Thursday and the Bike Adventure

Today has been an amazing, if momentarily frustrating, day.

Zane did kiss me goodbye this morning, but I stayed in bed, once again having slept poorly. I woke up again on my own around 9:30 feeling more rested. I got to work finishing my abstract piece since I wasn’t hungry at the time.

Once I did actually want to eat I made eggs and had them on a slice of toast with pepper jack cheese accompanied by my cup of coffee. I figured out how to use Pandora through the xBox so I was able to listen to my music the way I wanted to. John and Trevor had both left for work by the time I woke up which left me alone for the whole day. It was fantastic.

After eating I went back to working on my homework. Around 1 I was done with all of my artys stuff and ready to start tackling everything else on my list.

Since I wanted to get a feel for the bike I got from Frank I decided that I was going to bike to the bank for the money order and stop at the post office for stamps since those two places are literally right beside each other.

Queue bike adventure…

Everything started out fine. I had tested the bike at Frank’s place, and again when I had first gotten home since I had to take off the front wheel to get the frame to fit into my tiny little car. Everything worked fine. It still worked fine as I rode down the length of the apartment complex.

As soon as I turned onto the side-walk though it felt like I was dragging 5 billion tons of bricks behind me. Figuring it was something silly I was doing I kept going, playing with the gears and trying to get back to the mild resistance I had had before.

About a half mile down the street I gave up though. I stopped, got off the bike, and looked to see if there was something wrong with either of the wheels. To my surprise there actually was. The back wheel was literally pressing into the frame. There had been so much friction from my trying to ride through it that the frame actually burned me when I touched it because it was so hot.

What the f?

I have no idea how the wheel got off alignment, but I didn’t have any sort of tool with me to adjust it, and there was no way I could go the other 3 miles, much less get back home, with how much resistance the wheel was giving me. I don’t think the wheel itself would have survived and I didn’t want to mess it up.

So… I turned around and walked / dragged the bike with me. Not cool, or fun, and hell hath no fury if I can’t figure out a way to get to the bank for this f’ing money order…

So I finally made it home. Zane has a bike, though the tires are flat… No big deal. I’ll put air in his tires and use his bike, and hopefully that won’t be a breach of trust or crossing any lines, since I can’t really message him while he’s at work.

I pumped the tires full, tested them out, they seemed fine, went back inside for like 10 seconds before I heard a pop and the sound of a deflating balloon…

I went back out and the front tire was flat…

I was reminded of Robin from Young Justice. “Stay whelmed.”

At that point I had an idea and was like, “Why the hell not? The worst that will happen is it won’t work.”

So I took the front wheel from Frank’s bike, put it on Zane’s bike, and wouldn’t you know, it actually did work. I was able to take Zane’s bike all the way to the bank, got the money order, stopped at the post office for stamps, and made it back to the apartment without further incident. It was actually an amazingly nice bike ride through residential back way streets, with lots of sun and shade, and fresh air. It was roughly 8 miles there and back, so a light workout overall, but totally worth it.

Once I got back home I grabbed my application and went to the leasing office. I had to wait a little bit, but eventually I was seen and got the “add roommate to lease” paper for everyone to sign, and was told that we should know tomorrow afternoon at the latest if I’m approved or not.

Since I’ve never had an issue in the past I can’t imagine that I’ll be denied, but you never know, so I’m mildly freaking out over what I’ll do if I can’t get a parking decal for my car. Which is stupid because if I’m denied I’ll just keep parking in visitor parking until February when I can be added to the new lease anyway… Nothing to freak out over, except that I have to freak out over something and this seems like a perfectly illogical thing to sink my energy into, so currently that’s what I’m doing. : D

With that done I came back to the apartment to enjoy some “not moving for the next foreseeable ever” time. I went through all of the emails which had started backing up in my inbox. I made a post on my Facebook saying that I would be deleting my account on Sunday.

I feel like a lot of my time is wasted on Facebook. I mindlessly scroll through it, and to be honest I’m just tired of having it. If people want to get ahold of me they can text or email. I don’t want the account anymore, and the only reason I was holding on to it was for other people. It feels like noise, clutter, in my life, and I’m sort of done with it. So, yeah. Sunday is D-day and everyone has been warned about it.

Nothing personal, just a choice which I think will be good for me.

I emailed my instructor about my abstract piece since it was due on Tuesday, the day that sucked.

I’m ok if I get a zero on it. I’m happy with the way it turned out, and as soon as I get it scanned I’ll be posting it to my blog. I would still like her feed back on my work, though, which is why I messaged her. I haven’t received a reply yet, so hopefully I hear back from her tomorrow.

I also had several text messages that needed to be replied to, which I went ahead and did. Social obligations done. /flex

I sent an email to my mom asking for advice on how to mail things out of the country since she’s an expert at that, what with having two sons who were stationed overseas. She’s actually in Germany at the moment visiting my younger brother.

On the subject of deleting accounts. I deleted my Pinterest and Twitter accounts as well since both of those were collecting dust more than anything. There may be other accounts I go through and delete, but for now those are the main ones that I can think of that I want to get rid of.

After all of that was taken care of I felt pretty recovered from the bike ride, which meant I was ready to start attacking the apartment. I scrubbed the kitchen walls down and even washed the trash can. I want to scrub the floor boards still and super clean the floors. Past that will be cleaning the fridge / freeze and vacuuming the living room, but that’s all that’s left for the cleaning crusade. So close to being done. It’s awesome.

I also started doing the 30 day challenge again. We’ll see if I actually make it through the whole thing this time since I didn’t make it through my last go at it. I only made it halfway through I think.

Zane came home shortly after that. We decided to go out for dinner. We both seemed pretty recovered from Wednesday, and we wanted to do something out and about. We also needed to run to the store for a few extra things, like cat litter.

So we went to my sports bar. Zane didn’t eat most of his burger, so he has that for lunch tomorrow.

I told him one of the things I wanted to get at the store was a lunch box for him as a “happy employment” gift. He got a lunch box exactly like mine except it’s teal instead of purple.

We got everything else on the list, and now we’re back home. It’s 9:30-ish. I need to shower still, and proof read this because I’m sure there are typos everywhere, and while there are still things on my list that I didn’t get to today, so far I’m happy and proud of everything I was able to get done.

I’m super proud of myself for getting the bike to work. It was one of those situations where I wasn’t going to take no for an answer, and I didn’t, and it worked out after some troubleshooting.

Zane wasn’t upset that I used his bike, and he wasn’t upset that I messed up his tire. We actually got the back tired aligned again on Frank’s bike, but I’ll most likely still use Zane’s for the time being.

Tomorrow I’m going to try biking to school since I’m pretty sure I know a relatively easy way to get there. A way that doesn’t involve being on the main streets which are super busy. So I may not be needing Zane to drive me around. Instead I’ll use biking roughly 10 miles each day as my workout. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow. It will be the test ride.

I’m happy with today. I’m happy with this whole week so far, even Wednesday for as lame as it was. I’m happy with how much water I’ve been drinking. I’m happy with how much exercise I’ve been getting. How much sun and air, and I’m happy with all of the “life” stuff I’ve been getting done along with the recreational things.

I think I’ll be ready for work on Monday.

Musing Moment 0061: The Battle Plan

Day two of the 30 day challenge. Today is the day where you figure out essentially where you should be focusing your energy. What should be your priority? With out further ado… my thoughts about my life and the battle plan I came up with.

My intrinsic priority, the priority that comes most naturally to me is physical health and my career / purpose, even though both of those areas are sort of sucking right now.

My key priority, the one that I need to be focusing on, is I feel my emotional health.

Much like the last time I did this challenge though, to see changes in my emotional health I need to focus on other areas. I need to find balance, contentment, and peace again, and I can’t do that by focusing on my emotions. My emotional health is greatly impacted by other areas of my life, and so by focusing on those other areas I will be in turn building up my emotional strength.

I will honor this priority, my emotional health, but maintaining a workout routine again. I will clean up my eating habits as well, which have gotten slack due to feelings of depression. I will make time for myself. Quiet, alone time, where I can fully decompress. I will ensure the leisure activities I participate in are legitimately leisure for me and are restoring actives that I am invested in. I will figure out what I want to do with my career relatively soon, so as not to feel stagnant and trapped in that area of my life.

Procrastinating on figuring out my career would not be honoring my commitment to my emotional health, regardless of how icky the situation may be at first. Using depression as an excuse to not workout or to cook proper meals would also be dishonoring my emotional health because I will feel guilty for my choices later. Spending time on actives that I don’t want to be doing will add to my feelings of frustration and stagnation, again, dishonoring my commitment to feeling better.

My emotional health is important. Caring for myself is important. The reason I am in the emotional state I am in right now in large part has to do with the fact that I stopped caring for my wellbeing. I need to go back to treating myself properly, caring for my self as I should, in order to see the changes I want.

Musing Moment 0060: Analyzing My Life

Once again I’m doing the 30 Day Challenge by Chalene Johnson. Day one starts with rating 10 areas of your life. 10 being awesome 1 being awful. So here we go… again. : )

Physical Health – 5

I’m slacking here, and I’m letting depression to that to me. I feel like I should have started this challenge on Monday, the beginning of my vacation because I have already started to change things around. But that doesn’t change that fact that for almost four months I was lucky if I made it to the gym three times a week.

Physical health is important to me. It’s a priority, and I haven’t been treating it like one which is compounding the depression. I will work back up to working out 5 times a week. I WILL MAKE TIME FOR THE GYM. Caps because it’s legit.

I will NOT compromise on this time, and I will stand up for myself and my needs in this regard.

Emotional Health – 3

Super low here. For several reasons. My emotional health stems from so many other areas, which are also low. And just like last time when I did this challenge, I don’t think focusing on this area in particular will help improve it. I need to go to the sources of my imbalance to improve my emotional health, so for now, it think the most I can do is acknowledge where I’m at, and where I want to go in this area.

Environment – 8

Once again my environment is fairly stable. I have just put in the application with the fee to be added to the lease and should have that taken care of by tomorrow. I have cleaned the apartment pretty well since I have been off this whole week. I have set up my cork board with all of my mementoes. There are a few changes I would still like to make, but I have the rest of the weekend for it. All in all, I am content with this area.

Leisure – 5

I’ve scored this one with an “eh” score. While I do have down time and while I do have “leisure” activities, lately it doesn’t seem like what I want to do. Working out is part of leisure for me. Cross stitching, which I had stopped doing until recently, is leisure for me. Aikido is leisure. Being alone is leisure. I feel like to improve this I need to analyze what I’m actually spending my time on and see if I’m doing it for me, or because I feel like I have to. If I’m not enjoying my activities then they’re not fun, and therefore not leisure.

Essentially cleaning house in this area would be beneficial and could aid in mending my emotional health since leisure is where I get most of my recovery / recharge.

Friends / Family – 6

This one is a little above average. I think I have been doing extremely well with communicating my feelings to people, which has mostly been, “I’m depressed and don’t feel like talking.” As my emotional health improves I know I will reach out more to other people, but so far I have done well with lettig people know I will be less communicative, rather than simply falling off the face of the Earth. I think I deserve points for that, which is why even though I am not talking to people very often I still rated this area decently. I’m doing the best I’m able to, and things will get better.

Significant Other – 5

Zane and I are still hanging in there. He’s almost done with his first full week of work after roughly four months of unemployment. I’m doing a bit better since I have been getting alone time this week by taking time for vacation. We enjoy our evenings together. We’re both less depressed.

I would like to see how else we improve as we shift from a survival mindset to a living mindset.

Purpose / Career – 3

I’m starting to resent my work. I feel stagnant. I feel like I’m wasting my time, but I don’t know what else I could / should / aught to be doing. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where I want to go. And I think a lot of that has to do with the depression I’m feeling.

I don’t care right now. It takes too much to care. Figuring out where to go would meaning caring that I’m lost, and right now I can’t. Or maybe I just don’t want to. It’s going to take effort. It’s going to take soul searching. It’s most likely going to involve painful questions with equally painful and honest answers. And right now I’m tired of hurting. Which is sort of a fucked up mindset because if I went through a little bit of pain now, I would most likely save myself tons of pain in the long run.

Regardless of what I actually do, I know what NEEDS to be done at least, so part of the hard part is over in that regard. I have a plan of action, “Figure your shit out.” It’s more a matter of getting the balls to follow through on it. Until I do, I’m going to be stuck in the hole that I’m in for this area of my life. And if I’m doing nothing to change it, then I really have no right to complain about it.

Personal Growth – 4

Originally I had this at a 3 but I changed it to a 4 because I remembered that I actually am trying to better myself in one regard. The Maya Certification that’s still being a pain in the ass. But I’m trying to do it none the less.

Personal growth is a lot like emotional health though. Physical health is part of personal growth. Career is part of personal growth. Spiritual growth is personal growth. There’s so many things that go into making me the personal I am. I have to feed those areas, too, in order to see worth-while change in this area.

Spiritual Growth – 3

Another area which is super low. I don’t feel like I am failing Freya. I don’t know what I feel really. I know I could have done better these past four months. But everything in hindsight. I could have done a lot of things differently. But I’ve made it through, and I’m making plans for the future. I’m not living day-by-day, hour by hour any more.

I am slowly making goals, and plans, and slowly I am reaching them, one step at a time. That being said, I need to go back to caring for myself. I can’t be spiritually ok when I feel like I’m giving up my connection to Freya. I need the gym, I need a purpose, I need to meditate and make time for myself. I need to be involved in actives that I feel are worth my time.

My spiritual growth stopped because I stopped tending to me. So instead of looking outside for help or a fix or a cure, I need to look inward, inside in order to find the balance I need to restore to my life.

There I have it. A verbal picture, a snap shot, of my life. Now to go make a battle plan to make things better. Go go to-do lists.

Daily Post 013: Vaca – Day One

This was supposed to be posted last night, but I ran out of steam once I finished writing and went to sleep instead. : D

Day one of vacation.

It actually didn’t really start until 1ish in the afternoon because I slept like crap last night. Zane had work in the morning and we both couldn’t seem to get to sleep, or stay asleep once either of us was able to get there.

I ended up on the couch again, hoping that if we were apart we wouldn’t keep each other up with our tossing and turning. I don’t think it worked very well. Zane seemed to be fairly alright, though. He left a little early so he could get a donut for breakfast and I went back to the room and made sure the bed didn’t go anywhere for the next six-ish hours.

Once I woke up again I felt like the bed was subdued enough that it didn’t need supervision anymore. I got up, unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it since the kitchen was a mess, which the weekend is a whole story in itself that I might tangent onto at different points but anyway, back to today.

I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do. I have homework that I need to work on, but I didn’t want to spend my first day of alone time bingeing on it. I decided that the best thing to do would be to go through my notebook, figure out what needed to get done, what I wanted to get done, and what recreational things I wanted to indulge in. That way I could start making a game plan for my week.

So I have a pretty decent list to pick away at over the next few days.

Today ended up being productive and relaxing. I started by filling out the application for the apartment so I can get on the lease, and more importantly, get a parking decal for my car. That took a bit of time because I had to get all of the information together, but all in all it was a painless process, and more time consuming than anything.

I need to call the office to see if they waive the fee for students, but other than that the application is ready to hand in. If they don’t waive the fee then I’ll need to get a money order either tomorrow or Wednesday.

I sent an email to my Faculty Affairs rep to figure out how my classes will count towards my Continuing Education hours so I can prove that I actually do deserve my raise in January, even though I’ve been a total slacker at work for the past four-ish months. Clavan wants me to get prepared for my review even though it is still a few months away. That’s ok. I don’t mind being prepared early.

I actually disabled my OkCupid profile because I’m tired of talking to people. I don’t want to meet anyone. I want to go back to focusing on me mainly, so it seemed like the right thing to do. I can’t focus on me if I have to keep having to put energy into convincing people that “looking for friends” really does mean that I’m just looking for friends and not code for “Netfix and chill”, which I guess is code for sex…

Seriously? What does, “I want sex,” mean then? I hate your guts, so stop messaging me or I’ll beat you to death with a dictionary?

Anyway, after taking care of that I spent a bit of time doing some research. I have several cross stitch patterns than I’m going to be sending out to people and I want to make sure that they are in the best condition possible. That means I want to wash them, but I’ve honestly never really washed a cross stitch with anything other than water and some soap, so I wanted to see if there was a “better” way.

I found out that you can use OxiClean. So I set up a gallon pitcher with some warm water, put two scoops for OxiClean in it, then added three of my projects. I have to fix something with the fourth one before I wash it. With that done, I set the pitcher aside so the pieces could soak for most of the day.

I then went back to researching how to clean kitchen walls. The apartment that I’m in right now has been renewed by Trevor and John for three years. That’s three years of dude-bros not cleaning very much. Needless to say the walls around the stove are pretty awful, at least that’s my personal opinion, which is the only opinion that I care about.

The Internet, all knowing as it is, says that using white vinegar can help get ride of grease stains and such. I will write about that undertaking tomorrow, since that’s when I plan to execute that battle plan.

From there I washed the upper cabinets in the kitchen. Ever since I washed the lower cabinets it has been glaringly obvious that the upper ones did not get the same love and attention. No longer. Everything is super white and clean. Huzzah.

I went through my “in” pile. Bunch of junk. I also went through my “box of memories”. It’s the box that I packed all of the stuff that goes on my corkboard, which hangs above my computer monitors. Every letter my mom has sent me since I moved to Florida is in there. Every ID badge from work and school. A few pictures. A Christmas gift that I got from a friend in high school. Fortune cookie papers…

Little random things that I want to hold on to because I think they’re important on an emotional level.

I actually threw some stuff out, no longer needing to hold on to it. I spent a lot of time going through and reading every card though. I cried. A lot. But it was good crying. I really feel like if I had had these cards up on the wall this whole time that I wouldn’t have been as sad as I was. A lot of the messages are just quick notes from my mom saying she love me “big bunches”. But there’s a lot of cards where she tells me that I’m doing well, and she’s proud of me, and that even though things are rough (because college was really rough) that I was doing great and to keep my chin up.

There was so much love and support in every card and going through and rereading them reminded me of just how lucky I am to have my mom. I felt safe and cared for, and it made me really happy to have those cards to look back on. To hold in my hands and remember that, yes, I am loved, and no, I’m not alone. It was a cry that needed to happen and I feel cleaner and lighter for it.

I was just starting to hang the cards around my corkboard when Zane got home. He had a bag of donut holes with him, which he said were for me. I did break down and have a few…

We cuddled for a little while as he told me about his day and I told him about mine. It was awesome being able to talk about things rather than, “I didn’t do much,” which is normally his side. And my side if I give an unbiased answer. Lately I’ve been mostly in a “Wake up, go to work, come home” routine.

It makes a conversation hard because there really isn’t much to talk about. Neither of us have done anything worth talking about. We breathed… wooo…

I said that I wanted to go running, either at the Y or on one of the bike trails. He had a list of things he wanted to do, so we agreed we would spend time together once I got back from running, and from going to the store, which was something else I wanted to do.

The final step in the cross stitching endeavor is to iron them, but we don’t have an iron, and even though I’ve owned three I keep getting ride of mine because I move into places that already have one, and I find it silly to have multiple things collecting dust.

Well, since I don’t have an iron at the moment, and no one else in the apartment does, that means I have to go out and get another one… again… Arg. I also wanted to get a small ironing board to go with it. But the trip out wasn’t all that bad of an idea. I needed to get vinegar for tomorrow’s cleaning crusade. I could get burger and cheese slices while I was out so I could do that for lunches this week, along with dish scrubs since there aren’t any more. I could also get ice cream while I was out. Which, yes, that is another story, from this weekend, which I may or may not feel like writing about once I finally get through writing about today… I didn’t really think there was this much inside of my brain but I guess there is.

So yeah, going to the store seemed like a good idea. I even thought about checking out body pillows while I was out because I’ve wanted one since having to throw mine away when I moved out of Joshua’s place. That was back in March. It seems like forever ago.

I changed into running stuff and headed out, deciding on the way that I would run the bike trail. I’m not ready to go back to the Y just yet. I’m not ready for people. I wanted to be outside, on my own, doing my own thing. So that’s what I did. I parked in the parking lot at the baseball fields, locked the car, set up my music and RunKeeper, then set out to lose myself. I did 1 minute intervals at an average 19 minute pace. Not my best, not my worst. I’ll take it.

I came back to the apartment afterwards feeling amped. Zane and I chatted for a bit before I got into the shower then went to the store. That took longer than I wanted it to with about a third of my time being spent standing in line. It wasn’t cool but very typical of Walmart.

I talked to my mom on the way to the store which was great. It was nice having something to talk to her about other than, “I’m depressed. I know life doesn’t suck… but life sucks and woe is me.”

I let her know how things were going, and all of the stuff that I was poking around at. I told her about Zane’s day and reading all of the cards she’s sent me. She wasn’t in that much of a chatty mood, so it was only a 15 minute call, but I feel good that it hadn’t been two weeks since our last conversation. I’m glad that I actually wanted to talk to her, rather than trying to avoid her so she wouldn’t have to worry about me, even though I know by avoiding her I’m causing her to worry….

Some times there really is just no way you can win. /sigh

I didn’t get a body pillow from Walmart. Mostly because they only had two and they both were pretty lame. That’s ok though. Another time, from a better store. I did find an iron that I liked. It’s the same type that Joshua had while I lived with him. There wasn’t a mini ironing board, but there were ironing mats so I got a green one because colors do things to my brain. :3

I hadn’t used an ironing mat before so I wasn’t sure if I would like it or not. I figured it was worth a shot, and in reality I didn’t have much of a choice unless I wanted to get a full sized ironing board, which I didn’t.

I got all of the other items on my list and even looked at highlighters since I use those to mark my patterns while I cross stitch. I put them back though because it would have been an impulse buy, and because, like the body pillows, they weren’t really want I wanted. I’ll go to Staples or Office Max when I actually need to get new ones. Which I don’t “need” new ones right now anyway. I have two that work just fine… even if they’re lame and not the colors I want to be using… I want a green one. I don’t know why I seem to be on a green kick at the moment.

Green is the color of the heart chakra though… so that’s some food for thought.

Once I got back from the store I showed Zane my loot then went about rinsing off the cross stitchings. They looked awesome. I put down the ironing mat on the kitchen table, unpacked the iron, and tested everything out.

Total success. I love the mat and the iron is everything that I remember. For only $10. It’s fantastic.

Slight tangent. Not that I put much stock in zodiac signs and such, but even going a step beyond that into the MBTI personality types, I’m often thought to have “expensive tastes”, when really I don’t think I do. I thrift shop, and I use coupons (even on dates), and I look around for deals. That doesn’t mean I’m ok with spending money on the cheapest option just because it’s cheap. I’ll get something cheap if I know it will do everything that I need it to do, if it will live up to my expectations and be a good investment.

Like the iron. I could have gotten an iron for $40, but why would I spend that much money when I know the one for a forth of the price will be more than enough for what I need? It’s not about expensive; it’s about function and quality. And for $10 I can now take care of something that is actually a fairly large part of my hobby, and Zane can iron his work shirts and slacks rather than having wrinkled stuff.

That being said, I would really be ok with not having to go out and buy a forth f’ing iron any time soon. Like… in the next forever…

After I was done ~~playing with~~ ironing my cross stitchings Zane and I watched an episode of Arrow, which is something we started watching together. More accurately, it’s something that we’ve been binge watching since Saturday. We’re almost through season two already. Another story from the weekend. I really should make a separate post for that, which I think I will.

One of the things Zane and I talked about before I went to the store was transportation for next week. Currently he is using the car since I’m just chilling at home, being a slacker and stuff. But next week I’m going to have to go back to work (booooooo!) and that’s going to make things tricky what with wanting to get to the gym as well.

We figured it would be easier for him to drop me off and pick me up, rather than me driving to his work, back to mine, then back to his through rush hour, just for us to come all the way back home. At least with dropping me off we minimize how much gas we would be using. He’s already agreed to pay for whatever gas we use over my budgeted amount, which makes me feel way better about all of the driving.

The only down side to this plan is I don’t really have a way to get to the gym before work, and after work would be annoying because I would already be home and have to go back out again. First world problems, but it’s annoying, and if there’s resistance than it’s most likely not going to happen. The only sucky thing about being dropped off at the gym first is that it would be about an hour walk to work from there.

So we sat and brainstormed about it. If I had a bike, it wouldn’t be so bad to drop me off at the gym with the bike, let me workout, then do the 15 minute bike ride to school. I could leave my gym bag at the gym so I wouldn’t have to carry so much on the bike, and we could swing by at the end of the day to pick it up on our way home.

Poof. Everyone is happy. Zane gets to work on time, I get a good workout in and extra time at work to take care of school stuff, ideally I get to work on time… It just seems like an awesome plan.

Except…

I don’t have a bike because the one I had was stolen when I lived with Randy, Mother Earth, and Josh. Much lame…

/gives brain hamster an energy drink

Needing the bike got me thinking… Frank keeps mentioning that he’s trying to sell the old bikes he and Natalie have because they want new ones. I sent him a text asking if he still had one for sale, which he does.

Score!

Could I check it out at some point this week?

Yep. Wednesday, around 6:30.

Oh. And btw, I am supposed to consider it an early birthday present.

Damnit, Frank! Not cool, man. Not cool.

I’m pretty sure this is because of the gift card I got him for his birthday. I wouldn’t be comfortable taking the bike for nothing, though. It’s a really, really nice bike from what he was telling me about it a few months ago. Like, I’m sure it’s easily over $200. I’m not a bike person, so I don’t really, honestly know. But it’s worth more than nothing. It’s worth more than the $50 I gave him.

It doesn’t feel right accepting it for free. But then I have a thing with not liking gifts because gifts are normally a bad thing in my experience. Which I know is because I had a lot of not cool people as significant others, and I shouldn’t take that out on other people, but there you go. I’ve gotten emotionally burned, hardcore, due to accepting “gifts”, and so there’s anxiety associated with them, and fear if I’m completely honest with myself. Which sucks to admit because even thinking about getting something from my brothers on Christmas makes my chest tight. How f’ed up is that?

Acknowledging those emotions doesn’t change the fact that I would feel more comfortable accepting the bike if I were allowed to give something, anything, in return for it.

I’m not sure how that’s going to pan out, but it seems like everything is falling into place for that plan of attack. I’ll still be able to get to the gym and work, which are two things I was worried about. In the mornings we’ll pop the seats in my car down, stash my bike in the back, go to the gym, where I’ll get dropped off with all my stuff.

I’ll ride the bike to work, and when Zane picks me up we’ll stash the bike in the back of the car again, then swing by the gym to pick up my gym bag. Since I have to have my backpack and lunch box with me, it seems like would be easier to leave the gym bag.

We’ll see how it works out, but I’m fairly happy with how it feels like it will work out for everyone.

And that’s about it for my day. I want to drink another bottle of water. I might unload the dishwasher again, but honestly I think I’m done. Hopefully I’m able to sleep well tonight. I feel tired enough to.

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