This is from Sunday. A lot more has happened since writing this, but staying true to myself I’m not going to go back and change anything that I wrote because this is what I felt at the time.

I will, eventually, when I can find time and willpower, write a new post since I didn’t write yesterday.

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I haven’t written in days, so I’m pretty sure that means this is going to be obnoxiously long. It doesn’t help that Zane and I had a spat so all of that emotional angst is at the surface, and most likely still will be once I get around to writing about today, so there’s going to be a billion pages worth of that to spew onto the blank document in front of me, because it’s deserving of all of the anger and hurt that I’m tired of carrying round… Also, I don’t believe in using periods in my sentences apparently.

Fantastic Friday

Friday started with me waking up and biking to school. It was an awesome ride. I crossed both major streets without incident and made it round trip in about 30 minutes. Not a bad ride at all.

I had a little bit of anxiety in the beginning, worrying about the huge ordeal with the bike on Thursday, but everything as super smooth. Huzzah.

When I got home I had breakfast and unloaded the dishwasher. I cross stitched on and off through most of the day but was super productive in all of my inbetween intervals.

I got the fridge completely washed out. I went through and looked at every bottle in the blasted thing and threw out anything past expiration. Without mercy. I even cleaned the freezer and organized all the crap stuff in there so it’s stacked and everything is easy to get to.

After all of the cleaning I took a shower. I cooked one of the Hamburger meals we still had in the pantry, and was going to cook a tuna casserole, but realized we didn’t have butter or milk for it. I wasn’t feeling up for going back out, especially at the prospect of having to walk to the grocery store during rush hour… But there is a CVS in the plaza where my ex-gym is at, which isn’t all that far. So I figured if I was up for it in about an hour I would go check it out. I knew they would at least have milk. Hopefully butter, too.

With that decided I went back to cross stitching and actually finished the pattern I was working on. From there I meal planned for the coming week. Zane and I are going to do lunches separately, so really we only need to figure out two or three meals depending on the serving size. We going to be doing green curry and his sriracha chicken rice bowl.

Since I’m going to be biking to school I’m going to get portable tuna lunches with protein bars to stash at work so I don’t have to worry about 1) remembering to pack extra stuff into my book bag and 2) reduce the weight I’ll need to carry in my bag. I also plan to get a case of water for work so I don’t have to worry about that either. I’ll always have water for before and after the bike ride.

After the meal planning I went to the store, taking the bike so I could get a feel for using the lock and chain that Frank gave me. The CVS had everything that I needed, and the lock worked fine. Wooo.

With that mission completed I came back to the apartment and took stock of the fridge and pantry to figure out what needed to be added to the shopping list for the coming week, then because I was done standing for a bit I went back to my computer where I basically deleted all of my files.

That wasn’t my original intention. I was just trying to clean things up a bit, but when I asked myself, “Do I need this information?”, “Is there really a point to hold on to this?” the answer was no more often than not. So to the trashcan it went. I even went through my external hard drive… There was something like 98,000 objects to delete. Needless to say emptying the trashcan on my computer is still an ongoing process….

It’s good though. I like that I’ve gotten rid of a bunch of stuff that I don’t want, or use. I don’t have to hunt and dig around for stuff anymore. I even found a picture that I forgot I had. A cross stitch that I completed for Joe, a friend from high school. I made him a wedding gift which I had completely forgot to post because I was saving it for after their wedding.

So that was a worth-while endeavor.

I went back and fixed up a previous cross stitch because I realized I didn’t know how to spell… That was embarrassing. Glad I caught the mistake before mailing it off.

I ended up cooking the tuna casserole along with writing Saturday’s to-do list. I even made it through my personal email along with setting up a new cross stitch project, because I totally don’t have a needle addiction and can stop whenever I want… >.>;

Before going to bed I put the two most recent projects I had finished into a pitcher of warm water with some Oxyclean to soak overnight.

And that wrapped up my Friday.

Saturday

During Friday evening Zane and I had a spat. He got upset at me because I put a dish he was using into the dishwasher. I guess that’s a sensitive thing for him from an ex who would literally take plates away from him, even if he was still eating.

He actually cursed and said he would like to enjoy a meal without my need to clean interfering.

It hurt. I hadn’t been trying to start a fight. I had been trying to clean the kitchen so we could enjoy the evening together. Everything had been fine until then.

I slept on the couch because I wanted to be alone. I had planned to clean the floor boards and super scrub the floor down towards the end of Saturday afternoon. Instead I woke up at 8 in the morning to do it before anyone woke up. I didn’t want more fighting over the fact that I was cleaning.

I scrubbed down the pantry and kitchen doors, too.

After that I packed up my car with the stuff that has been sitting in the living room, waiting to be taking to donation for months, along with a few things I wanted to add to the storage unit. It took a while to get everything out of the apartment, down the stairs and into my car. Like… 4 trips up and down stairs. After all of the cleaning and scrubbing… yeah… That’s my workout… except, oh yeah… I still have all of the boxes to go through in the storage unit. >.<

FML. Why do I do this to myself?

So with the car packed I headed to the U-Haul storage unit. I went through literally every box I have in there, which actually isn’t all that much. I went through the handful of clothes that I have stored, mostly winter stuff which I don’t need at the moment, but I did filter out some cloths to add to the donation box.

Mostly I was going through the new things my mom had brought down with her the last time she came to visit. Things from high school. Things from my grandparents. All of my tax information from before I moved to Florida. My birth certificate.

It was pretty emotional for me, and left me feeling raw. Exposed. There’s still a white box that I brought back with me to go through. I’m pretty sure it is all of my graduation stuff from high school. I know it’s going to be hard. Mmm, maybe hard isn’t the right word…

It’s going to be intense. I’m not sure what all is in it, and I didn’t want to go through more rough stuff at the moment, so I packed it into the car and brought it home.

Before going home though I put the donation box in the “Reuse” section of the storage unit. If anyone wants anything in that area they can take it, for free. It’s how I got two of my bookcases actually. You can find some pretty awesome stuff.

Once back in the car I headed to school to scan my art homework and my two cross stitchings, which I totally forgot. I ironed them Saturday morning before I started cleaning the kitchen.

All of this happened before noon… Yeah… crazy productive. At least in my eyes.

My crusade in the kitchen is done. The only cleaning I wanted to do further was vacuuming the living room and room. Which I didn’t get to today, so I’ll most likely do it tomorrow after everyone leaves for work.

Anywho, with all that done, I came back home and woke Zane up because he asked me to do that once I was done with my morning battle plan. We ended up going out to lunch for sushi, which was really nice. We got gas for the car and $20 worth of lunch money for Zane while we were out. By the time we were back home I was so done with being out and about.

We set up shop in the living room where we watched Arrow for the rest of the night, even though Zane’s watched several episodes without me. I stitched a fair amount on my new project and was happy with the progress I made.

There was one instance where I had to undo a section, but it was in an easy location, and I didn’t have to redo anything else around it because of my mishap, so all in all, it wasn’t that bad.

Zane slept on the couch last night, saying that he wanted me to use the bed. Scarlet slept with me for a while, curled up beside my head on my pillow. I slept pretty deep which is a change for how crummy I have been sleeping lately. It was nice.

Sunday So Far

And that brings me to today.

Zane and I had made plans to do a special breakfast. Something different from what we normally do. We were going to wake up and go to the store to get fruit and buttermilk and make pancakes. We didn’t wake up until 10:30 though, so that sort of messed those plans up.

Around 11 I went out to ride the bike again. I did 8 miles today, going over a bike trail bridge, which was pretty intense on my legs. I wanted the ride today to be intense though, that way tomorrow will feel like a cakewalk. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

When I got back home from the bike ride Zane and I revised our game plan. I would shower, we would get lunch again, and then go to a plaza where there’s a craft store, because I ran out of one of the treads my project needs, and because he wanted pens for work, and there’s an office store in the same plaza. I even had the idea to get new highlighters if there were ones I liked.

So that’s what we did. We had lunch at Moe’s and it was a great meal with good, playful conversation. We went to the office store first where Zane got his pens. Because we were at a Bed, Bath, and Beyond I looked at their body pillows. Zane gave me funny looks as I hugged the pillow, so I explained that I had to test it for “squish-y-ness”. He just smiled at me like I was being cute or something instead of conducting a highly important quality assurance test.

I suppose I should mention that the pillow did pass its test and is now awaiting continued testing at the apartment (I’m currently at work).

We dropped the pillow off at the car, then went to the craft store which is where the day blew up for whatever reason. I found the thread I needed without an issue, and got more fabric while I was there since I’ve gone through so much, and because I would have felt silly swiping my card for 40 cents worth of tread.

Before we went into the store I had mentioned possibly stopping for something sweet, like ice cream or a milk shake. While we were in the craft store Zane said something. I honestly don’t remember what. I remember it was a reprimand. I had said something about the ice cream, like not wanting to go to the mall for it because there would most likely be a lot of people. I was getting worn out from being out and from my bike ride. I wanted something quiet.

And then there was this negative energy from Zane, from out of nowhere. And I haven’t recovered from it. I feel bad. I feel like every time I try to have a nice day something happens and it’s all pointless.

We saw a frozen yogurt place one the way home. Zane saw it actually, so I turned so we could go there. I didn’t know how I was going to survive the experience. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to eat anything. I was regretting lunch, which was sitting like iron in my stomach.

I parked the car. Zane asked if I was alright, to which I only nodded. It was a lie. Probably super obvious, too, but I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to make things better. I wanted things to be ok. So I got out of the car. When Zane got out he asked if this would make me feel better. I shook my head no, because it wouldn’t. I was trying to do it for him more than anything.

He said that we should just go home then. So we did, with feeling of failure sinking further into my skin like shards of ice. I’m proud that I didn’t cry in the car. I made it all the way home.

I packed my backpack with all my work stuff, and actually made it into work without breaking down.

Our plans for grocery shopping have been postponed until I don’t know when. Zane said since we didn’t need anything right away that we should save it for later.

Since I have been on vacation all week I had grading that I needed to do before Monday, which is what I’ve been doing. Ignoring the new hurts. Hurts that I don’t even understand.

All of the grading is done. I’ve deactivated my Facebook and deleted a few other media accounts. I’m sure I’ll keep stumbling across ones I want to get ride of.

The game is tonight. At 6:30. I don’t want to play. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to go home, which sucks. Things have been so much better recently to go back to feeling this icky. Over a comment I don’t even remember.

And this is where I’m going to spew all that ickiness out because I need a place to do it.

I feel like Zane and I are slowly become not whatever it is we were. Companions. That’s what we called ourselves. But lately there hasn’t been much warmth. There’s been a lot of fighting. There’s been a lot of distance and hurt and more and more sleeping on the couch because I can’t sleep next to him because things don’t feel right between us.

As shallow as it may sound, there’s hardly ever sex, which has been a point of contention in some of my other relationships. Sex is important to me. And I’m not going to feel ashamed for wanting it. It sucks when my partner doesn’t though. I don’t like going weeks without intimacy. It makes me feel detached. And when fighting is thrown into the mix and I feel wounded I makes me want to pull away when my partner does reach out. They’re a source of pain. Things aren’t ok, so sex wouldn’t be right. And then when I reach out it’s the wrong time, so I feel rejected.

Why can’t it be easy? Why does there have to be all these annoying emotions tied to everything? Why can’t I accept the fact that sex isn’t important to most people and it’s not this deep emotionally connecting action? Why can’t I align inside of my head that it’s a biological function and remove the emotional aspect from it completely?

Or the hugs and handholding and kissing and stupid girly things that I actually do crave and want. Why can’t I be more sensing and less feeling? INSJ verses INFJ. Would that make things easier? Would I feel things less intensely?

I wonder if I would hurt less. If things would bother me less. If it would be more information and else emotion. I wonder if I would feel less rejected, less threatened.

Part of me thinks about the conversation we had a while ago where he said he knew we would break up eventually because my goal is to end up living alone again. How he’s ok with that. And even thinking about that conversation makes it hard to see because my eyes sting with unshed tears. Tears I refuse to cry because I would rather be angry than cry.

What’s the point then? Why should we be together? Why should I keep trying to be open and vulnerable when 1) it only leads to be being hurt and feeling attacked and 2) it’s just going to end anyway. Honestly, why go through any of this then, because right now it’s not worth it. There’s nothing in the future that makes it worth it because it’s just going to end anyway, so I’ll be left with nothing.

Why did today have to get messed up? Why do I have to be part of this stupid pathfinder game where I’m surrounded by people who expect me to have fun and smile when all I want to do is scream, over everything. It’s not just one thing. It’s everything.

It’s the past four months of his unemployment. It’s the money that I’ve spent on dates that get ruined. It’s the lack of affection and feeling like all I ever do is mess things up because all I’m ever told is that he’s upset with something I’ve done. It’s my frustration with work. It’s my frustration with myself. It’s my anger and resentment and hurt over every stupid thing that’s bothered me.

It’s a swell of emotions that I don’t know what to do with, but I’m tired of having to fight through this crashing wave all the time because it never seems to go away. It pulls back, leaving me thinking, like a child, that the water is gone. Forever. And I dance on the wet sand, only to be shocked when the water comes back, pushing against me, covering my feet and legs, making it hard to move.

I’ve had an awesome week. A fantastic vacation, and yet the only thing I can focus on is this one instance where my world feels like it’s trying to shatter again, and I’m sitting here trying to crush the pieces back into place. Sheer force of will preventing things from falling to the floor. I’m tired of having to put so much effort into things not breaking. It’s not supposed to be this hard. It’s not supposed to feel like it’s killing me.

Why does happiness have to be so hard? Why does the opinion of people close to me hurt more than a stranger? Why is it that it feels like the only people who can hurt me at all are the people I care about? It makes me want to shove everyone away. It makes me feel like people shouldn’t be close. They’re dangerous. It’s only going to lead to stress.

And now I feel written out and empty. Hollow. And I have a game to pack up and go to because the time was changed from 6:30 to 6:15 and I’m already late.