leadership

Daily Post 153: More Leadership and the Walk of Shame

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I’m writing a current post! Hooray for not letting life slip by for another week. : 3

I got a lot taken care of yesterday. We had breakfast which went well. I know I’ve been talking a lot about recipes I’ve been trying. I think eventually I’ll post a few of the links to spread the nifty things I’ve been able to find and that have been enjoyed by the family. I’m pretty sure the ink in the printer got replaced as well so I should be able to start printing out the new successes and adding them to my recipe book. It’s been slightly annoying having to constantly refer to my phone or written instructions in my notebook while I’m in the kitchen.

After breakfast yesterday, I finished with the endeavor of catching up on my writing. The last post I felt was rather lengthy, but I finally made it through the day that was the Thursday before last and all of the events that transpired as the week progressed. I made it through a majority of my “stay-cation” week and wrote about all of the steps forward I had taken in relation to school. I even posted my leadership writing; the first story out of the three I wrote for my chapter two assignment. The second story is going to be longer as well as harder to read. It’s the story about mom and how I reconnected with my dad through that experience.

Once my writing tasks were done I actually had sexy time with Ox. It was most definitely not planned and mind-meltingly amazing. I’ve noticed there seems to be a lot more touching lately, too. Not just sexy stuff, but hugs and hip bumps in the kitchen and silly little random things. It’s nice and a much-appreciated change in our dynamic from only a few months ago where it had felt like I was merely a roommate. It’s something I’ve become more aware of as I’ve realized very seldom do I feel that “alone” feeling any more. Ox still plays his video games most nights and I still do chores or cross-stitch while watching shows or listening to my audiobooks but the physical contact aspect of our relationship is doing better. It makes me feel more connected and fulfilled. It’s nice. It makes me feel warm and noticed and real.

Since there was sexy time, that meant the sheets needed to be washed. Queue the walk to shame to the laundry room that I didn’t want to take with an arm full of dirty sheets. The thought of having to walk by Ox’s parents in the living room with what I felt like was a neon flashing sign of, “I just had sex with your son. I’m a whore,” had me almost in tears.

Right Brain: I’m a good person, damnit! I’m not a whore. I’m not…

Evil Voice: Then why were you a slut having sex knowing people were home? Admit it. You’re a terrible, disrespectful person and those sheets prove it.

Have I mentioned that my brain can be a terrorist sometimes… because my brain is really awesome at totally being a terrorist…

I didn’t feel bad about having sex while it was happening, not that I was really thinking rationally at the time… But owning up to the fact that I had made that choice and non-verbally admitting sex had happened made me feel low; like I had done something shameful.

Ox ended up taking the sheets into the laundry room for me which made me feel worse. He doesn’t ask me to do things very often, and here I am, basically refusing to do a simple task for someone who is so ridiculously kind and understanding and patient with me.

I mean… what kind of person goes out of their way to search for and order the exact waffle maker online for you since you haven’t been able to find the one you want in stores? A really freaking amazingly good person, that’s who. So why can’t I be an adult and take our dirty sheets to the laundry room? We’re both adults. Sex is a natural and healthy part of a relationship. It’s going to happen. I’m not walking around the house in a slutty outfit with a collar around my neck. Washing the bedding is a normal task, not a mark of shame.

Left Brain: Um… Hi… I know you’re having a hard time right now, but could you please be a big girl and take the laundry to the laundry room?

Right Brain: They think I’m a whore! irrational sobbing

Left Brain: You haven’t even left the room yet… They probably don’t even know anything happened.

Right Brain: My life is ruined! I’ll never be able to show my face again. more sobbing

Arg. I don’t think the emotions associated with this situation are fully resolved, but I did actually come out of the room. No one chased me out of the house with torches and pitchforks for being an evil, sinful temptress. And just because I am that type of person… part of my brain is mildly offended over that.

Right Brain: I’m totally an evil, sinful temptress who’s corrupting your son with my evil ways, damnit!

Left Brain: I’m sort of getting mixed signals from you…

I got the wash going so the sheets could be done before bedtime. I also promised Ox that I would do better next time in regards to not freaking out over something that should be a non-issue.

After the small amount of meditation I’ve been able to do on the topic, I don’t think it’s “right” to feel shame over Ox and I physically expressing our affection for each other to each other. At some point, I’ll have to meditate further on the topic.

After I got the sheets in the washer I curled up in the corner of the bed, making a nest out of the pillows and my purple fuzzy blanket. I found where I had left off on chapter three and continued listening to my book. I got through the rest of it. I began writing for the reflection sections not too long after that.

The first section was about core talents. When I was done writing, I didn’t really feel much, which I thought was odd. If I was writing about something that was supposed to be “core” to me, shouldn’t that spark some sort of feeling? I mean, nothing? Seriously? No resonating, no “this is right, this is true”. Just… meh…? Is that my core? I bring “meh” to the table?

I left that section for the time being, moving on to the “core values” section hoping that would provide insight or clarity to what I had done “wrong” for the talents section.

I had to pause before starting that section, though, since it was dinner time. I did the cheesy taco skillet again. Since it’s such a hit with everyone I’m trying to keep it in the rotation. It helps that it’s a super easy meal to make. Liked, easy, quick, and healthy. Fits all of my criteria.

After cleaning the kitchen and dividing up the leftovers into containers to serve as my lunches for the coming week, I got back in front of the computer to tackle my “core values”. When I got to the end of it I felt awesome. Energized. I felt like I had written the essence of myself onto the computer screen. I felt like a badass.

Right Brain: Core Values! Hell yeah! /fist bump

These were the feelings I thought I was supposed to feel with core talents. Conviction. Unshakable certainty. Pride. A “This is me and screw you if you don’t think it’s good enough. I’m a badass,” feeling.

Ox and I stepped outside for a break once I had read my core values reflection to him. I’ve read every reflection to him so far. I told him that I still didn’t know what I had done wrong for the talents reflection, but that the feelings I felt for the values section were what I thought I was supposed to have found during that first writing.

Ox: Why don’t you start by looking up the definition of talent?

So when we got back inside I did. That led to finding a post titled, Skills versus Talents: Do you know the difference, by Marc Miller.

That! That right there! That’s what I had been doing wrong! Communication and time-management, and collaboration… those were all skills I had learned and developed through my life. They weren’t “who I was”. They weren’t “core”. They were just things I happened to be really good at. That’s why they felt so “meh”. They weren’t me. I’m not time-management. Hooray!

It was so… freeing; going back and rereading the last question from the section and knowing how I legitimately wanted to answer it now. I left my original response but created a new section at the bottom to house my new answer; my real answer. When I was done writing, I reread what I wrote.

This. This is what I’m good at. This is what I truly bring to the table when I’m in a group project or working with others. Not “meh”. I knew I wasn’t “meh”.

Right Brain: Core Talents! Hell yeah! /fist bump

I felt so much better and more… real after rewriting that section.

Since I had been a slacker and forgotten to switch my blanket to the dryer before dinner, I ended up cross-stitching while listening to all of chapter 4 once my talents section was rewritten. I’ll be working on the chapter 4 reflection sections once I’m done typing about my life.

Ox and I went to sleep fairly late. It had snowed all day, but by 11 pm, it had stopped and the snow plows had come through, barricading our driveway with a wall of snow and ice we would have to shovel in the morning. Problem for a different time…

We curled up together in bed and slept through the night. When I woke up I began cooking my roast so it could be done before breakfast. Not long after that Mama Ox, Ox, and myself teamed up outside to begin the task of digging out our cars. I got a fair amount done before Ox suggested I go inside and start breakfast, that way they had something warm to look forward to when they came inside. While I would have rather been outside doing hard labor with everyone, I knew that cooking was still helping and a beneficial endeavor.

I made a double batch of the protein waffles with scrambled eggs and bacon. I got the table set with plates and forks and all of the condiments. I poked my head outside and let Mama Ox and Ox know the food was ready and within a few minutes, everyone was sitting at the table.

It was a good breakfast and I’m glad I was a part of it.

Once everyone had eaten I went back to the kitchen to clean up the dishes. My roast was done so I cut it up and put it into containers to have as my breakfasts. I got the laundry switched for Mama Ox so I could wash my load of scrubs. Ox’s clothes were already dry from the night before so I folded them and put them away. Ox took the trash out for me since I cleaned the cats’ litter box.

And so, here we are. It’s a bit later in the day than I expected, but it has been a good day so far. I don’t feel overwhelmed or caged in. I think not having a million people in the kitchen while I was trying to do stuff helped a lot. I was able to play music on my phone and do my own thing without worrying about interfering with someone else’s task. I had everything under control and was able to focus without having to converse with others. It was a quiet, yet productive alone time. And for the most part, I’ve been given the space to write. Lil’ Ox has been in the room for most of the morning, but I’m at my computer with my headphones, typing away, completing something that’s important to me, and about to begin work for my leadership class.

Finishing chapter three put me at the halfway point of the book. It’s downhill from here. Even if the coming sections are harder than the first ones, there’s an end in sight. At least, for this book. I’m almost done with it. I can hold out a bit longer.

I haven’t meal planned for the coming week, but I know what I want to do for Monday and Tuesday. With the roads being so crappy right now, I doubt I would be going into town to do the shopping even if I had a list figured out. So I suppose off I go to keep figuring out this “badass leader” thing.

Core Values! Core Talents! Hell yeah!

Musing Moment 127: LFTIO – Storyline Reflection

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 6.0
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”



List the significant events in your life in chronological order and rate them on a scale of -10 to 10.

What do you notice about your StoryLine? What events stand out? What are the significant patterns of work, relationship, and or change that you see?

I notice that a lot of the events on my timeline happen together. Seldom is there ever one event. Several significant things occur around the same time period. When looking at my events in relation to my age and how I felt those events rated, no one time in my life is ever wholly negative or positive. There is a balance I am able to see with hide-sight and the perspective this exercise offers. A pattern which seems to emerge for me personally is that personal relationships fuel change within my career.


How have the higher ranked experiences shaped you? Your leadership? Your beliefs? Your values?

The higher ranked experiences seem to be centered around schooling, personal projects, or work. They shaped me by honing my trade skills and soft skills such as time management, collaboration, and communication. As a leader, a lot of these experiences put me in a leadership position, each event a bit more so than the last. I suppose in a way I was gradually getting my feet wet. Each event taught me something valuable about myself and others. Each event affirmed something I believed in and was striving for. Each event supported my values and made me feel fulfilled and like I was doing something positive with my life.


How have the lower ranked experiences shaped you? Your leadership? Your beliefs? Your values?

The lower ranked experiences tend to center around relationships. These events I feel had more of an impact on shaping me because I learned how to stand back up after getting knocked down. At each point, I was faced with giving up or being true to myself. In the extreme case of my mother’s death, it was the struggle of actually finding myself; my true self.

While these were undoubtedly negative experiences, they were crucial moments in my life. I had the option to take the easier route of being bitter, judgemental, and jaded, or the harder option of trying to understand and learn from the experiences I was faced with. My negative experiences showed me how I didn’t want to be, in terms of other people’s behaviors, and affirmed why I did want to be the way I chose to be.

Why is listening important? Why is communication important? Why is honesty and trust important?

These negative experiences shaped my values and beliefs more firmly and irrevocably than the positive experiences and while I may not have enjoyed them in any sense of the term, I am grateful for them. Because of these lows in my life, I have a better sense of who I am and why I am that way.


Who has most influenced you and your development?

My mom. Hands down. Without a second thought. Until the day I die my answer will always and forever be my mom.


What does your StoryLine tell you about the leader and person you are? What does it tell you about the leader and person you aspire to be?

I think my StoryLine shows that I am emotionally driven. I am connection driven. I am loyalty driven. I am caring and compassionately driven. As a leader, my efforts are centered around others. Creating events for students. Taking steps to become a trainer within my clinic. Working with younger or newer members at the dojo. I like teaching and showing people new things, cool things, things they didn’t think they could do but can.

I don’t really think I aspire to “be” anything other than myself. Events happen along the way and I make the choices I feel are appropriate and in line with my beliefs. I feel that by centering around the development of others, that my influence could potentially be far-reaching. Several of the key figures in my life have been teachers or instructors themselves. They not only affected my life but the lives of others. As we, the affected students, go about our own lives, we spread that influence to those we interact with; sometimes consciously and at other times subconsciously. We can never truly know how far reaching something as small as the comment, “I believe in you,” can be.

Musing Moment 126: LFTIO – Personal Mastery

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 5
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”




This post is essentially the “chapter review” for chapter one. It’s where I identify areas I want to change, figure out how to change them, and think about potential obstacles which may hinder me.


Areas for building awareness:
Feelings of insecurity and shadow beliefs of abandonment are triggered by stressful situations. It would be beneficial to listen closely to the dialog inside of my head during stressful times and to objectively analyze my thoughts. Are they stemming from personal truths or are they the words of my self-doubt? What emotions do these thoughts envoke and why? Is there any proof to support these thoughts or do they closer resemble irrational, self-preservational fears?

New Commitments to Make:
I need to be more committed to my need for solitude and reflection. Beginning to write again on a more routine basis could help provide structured time for reflection and self-development. Continuing and being more consistent with my efforts at the gym and dojo can provide better work/life balance and stress management. Continuing to take vitamin D gummies will help me cope with the lack of sunlight and the inability to do outdoor activities during the winter months here in Nebraska.

Actively participating in the DSS Leadership course will allow me to continue understanding myself and others. I will actively strive to become a preceptor for my clinic by the end of the year. Committing to the LPN degree in October will provide me with a timeline for career growth personal development.

These things are in line with my values of balance and personal improvement. I cannot be my best self if I am struggling with seasonal depression. I cannot be my best self if I do not take the time to step back and analyze situations and my emotions regarding those situations. I cannot be my best self if I allow opportunities I want and have worked towards to pass me by.

New Practices to Begin:
Research into / Enroll in the LPN program at SCC
Nightly recaps of the day and how I felt during its events
Weekly reflection and self-assessment
Re-committing to a workout routine

Potential Obstacles:
 Work
Weather
Finances
Emotional discord

Timeline and Measures of Sucess:
One week assessment of LPN information gathering and enrollment. Was I able to obtain the information I needed for the part-time LPN program? If not, what information could I not obtain and why?

Four-week assessment of nightly recaps. Are they going well? If not, what are the biggest factors preventing me from reflecting on my day?

Four-week assessment of weekly recpas. Am I able to reflect on my week at some point during the weekend? Am I providing myself with enough time to effectively reflect? If not, what are the biggest factors preventing me from completing a weekly reflection?

Four-week assessment of training. Minimum of two workouts at Anytime Fitness. Minimum of two workouts at dojo. Was I able to uphold my routine? If not, what were the biggest factors preventing me from working out?

Daily Post 149: W is for… Wait a Minute…

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Written last night. Posted today.
There seems to be a pattern with this...

My brain is moosh, and once again I have gone a week without posting. At least, a week without a “daily post”. WordPress informed me tonight that I’ve actually hit a three-day streak… oh how far it seems I’ve fallen from the days of my routine posting… /sigh

Wednesday went smoothly for work. Not much to report.

Thursday…

Thursday I became a wife. There are only three people who know about it. Ox. Me. And my FA. My brothers don’t know. Ox’s parents don’t know. Sir, Mother Earth, Big Bad, my blacksmith…

No one else knows and I’m 100% sure that I’m not ready to talk about it because I myself don’t really know how I feel.

Well… yeah, I do.

Terror. Sitting here, typing out that word… the “w” word… it makes my heart beat faster in fear because I remember being hurt. I remember abusive relationships. I remember mom dying. I remember my parents’ divorce.

I was never supposed to be here in life. I was never supposed to have a stable relationship. A healthy relationship. I was never supposed to have the white picket fence with a happily ever after. This stuff wasn’t supposed to be in my cards, and now I have this hand and I’m having to reevaluate pretty much everything.

I don’t know what to do or how to tell people about it… I made the choice I legitimately wanted to make, yet I feel so insanely vulnerable writing about it that it almost makes me want to not write. If I can’t even write about it, how am I supposed to talk about it?

I’m scared of anger from others. I’m scared of having to justify or defend my choice. I’m scared of repercussions. I’m scared of it falling apart in the not so distant future because Life is a bitch sometimes. I’m scared it’s just some twisted joke and my heartbreak will be the punchline. That’s what I’m having to fight against internally.

In addition to my brain rewiring itself to process being called “wife” I’m still trying to get through this freaking leadership course which I fucking swear is going to be the death of me. This last chapter, chapter 2, was about our “storyline”. You have to map out significant events in your life and plot them on a timeline in chronological order so you can visually see when things happened to you. You then have to rate those events. -10 to 10. It’s not good enough to merely say if the event was good or bad.

Evil Book: Oh no, foolish future leader… How could you possibly think we, the writers of this book who wish only to torment you, would ever allow something to be that simple? No. Tell us how good or bad that event was because we need to know in relation to all other events in your life just how horrific or terrific it was.

*hours of grulling mental work later*

Exxxxcccellent… evil laughter

Now that you have suffered through the first half of this process, let us move on to phase 2 of your mental and emotional demise. Behold your timeline. Doth one see any patterns lurking there? Mayhaps there is a correlation between work events and interpersonal events? Pray tell if you notice some sort of consistent behavior hidden within the events of your life which thou was previously unaware of.

Yeeessss… Most excellent… We can feel your brain melting. Suffer puny mortal. Suffer for your insulence of thinking you could merely read this book and answer our questions simply. Muahahahahahaha!

I swear if the book could talk that’s the type of shit it would be saying to me. No joke. Who needs an inner Evil Voice when you can just pick up a self-help book?

First off, Book… Do you know how much shit has happened to me in just the past three years? Seriously. Do you know how many events hit my radar as “significant”, both positive and negative, in the mere three years since my mom died which is probably the most significant event in my life aside from my birth? Holy fuck. I’m 30. Could half of my “significant events” not have been spread out over at least a third of my life? Did it all have to happen within a three-year span?

Apparently, it did…

Well… Once you get all of that figured out and answer all of the questions about what “good” event shaped you the most and why, and what “bad” event shaped you the most and why, then… THEN… you have to pick two to three events and write them out as stories.

Fuck.

My.

Life…

Because you know, of course, I had to write about mom, which meant feeling and reliving that all over again and I swear I’m going to trudge into my first class on March 7th looking like a battle-weary warrior dragging a tree worth of papers with me for how much I’m having to write and process through. Stupid book. I’m sure I’ll see you again in Hell if only to torment you on the same level in which you are tormenting my poor, battered brain.

I suppose I should pause for a moment to say, it’s honestly not THAT bad. It is a lot of inner mental and emotional work, but I feel it’s all positive work and that it is giving me a higher level of self-awareness. But this is supposed to be my week off… and yet I feel MORE drained becasue of all of these stupid reflection sections and super deep questions. I have six more chapters to get through. Six… At the moment, I feel like bashing my head against a concrete wall would be the kinder option. >.<;

In other news, I met with the LPN head yesterday, Monday. I got a lot of really good information and advice from her. The total cost of school, including books and fees, will be roughly $5k. Having a number is nice. Now I need to figure out the financial aspect of school. You know, the whole actually paying for it thing… which I’ll tackle at some point. I know it’s not going to be right now. Tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.

I need to get blood work done, which I have plans to do Thursday. My transcripts have already been sent to the school. The school has my application. I’ve written a “success plan” since it’s a requirement for the application. I sent that today along with my resume since that was another required thing. I need to talk to my FA about taking a CPR class since my certification expires in April. Lame.

I’m most likely going to be signing up for Anatomy and Physiology 1 for the coming spring term. That will set me up better for when/if I continue on to RN after this.

And at the moment I’m going to end here because I need to have a conversation with a very important and deeply missed someone; Mother Earth. : x

Musing Moment 125: LFTIO – Strengths and Growth Areas

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 4
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”




Imagine yourself observing a dear friend talking about you with heartfelt love and admiration. What would your friend be saying?

Most likely something about how I am kind or caring. How I’m positive and non-judgemental. How I am accepting and understanding. Even typing those few sentences sitting alone, by myself, in front of a computer screen makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel like I do anything special. I feel like I treat people decently and with empathy. I don’t understand why that seems like such a special thing or why people seem to appreciate it so much. It makes my heart ache to think that we live in a world where basic kindness is such a rare thing that it has become a loved trait worthy of heartfelt admiration.

When you are energized and inspired, what particular personality traits or strengths are you expressing?

Drive. Organization. Maybe slight control, depending on how you view delegation of tasks. Timeliness. Communication. At times, periods of reflection for self and reassessment of a situation goal or process. Determination. Problem-solving. Resourcefulness. Dedication. Passion. Possibly competitiveness.

What are some of your Conscious Beliefs?

I am a good person.

What are some of your Shadow Beliefs?

I am inadequate. I am alone.

When you are leading with Character, what qualities come forth? Do certain situations inhibit or express your character more?

Passion. Empathy. Openness. Positivity. Collaboration and inclusion. Laughter, smiles, and warmth. Fun. A sense of fulfillment and worthwhileness. A sense of purpose.

The more support I or the group receives and the less progress prevention encountered, the easier it is for me to maintain motivation and moral. The more negativity others feed into the situation, the more difficult and frequent the obstacles are to overcome, the harder it is for me to maintain not only the motivation and drive of others but mine as well.

When you are leading by Coping, what qualities come forth? What beliefs or fears are generating a reactive state of mind, emotion, or behavior?

Self-preservation. A loss of security. A need to do damage control by taking control. A need to minimize additional input at all costs because more input would be too much. Larger amounts of alone time to recover from or prevent burnout and a “kill or be killed” mentality in ensuring I get the time I want/need to recharge. A lack of empathy because it feels like no one cares about me or what I want or need to be ok. No one cares about my effort or all the things I’m already doing. What I’m doing obviously isn’t good enough because if it were I wouldn’t be treated like this or feel like this or be in this situation. Depression. Apathy. Losing connection with my inner self, resulting in a disruption of balance, peace and a loss of clarity regarding my priorities and values.

I fear not being good enough. I fear being told that I should have done something better because I feel I always try my best and if my best isn’t good enough then where does that leave me? What more can I offer? I can only be me. What do I do when I am found lacking or unworthy?

I fear making the wrong choices. I fear causing harm to others through my choices. I fear miscommunicating. I fear hurting people’s feelings.

I fear being abandoned. I fear the people I love dying and leaving me alone. I fear the thought of the fragile life I have been working to build for the past three years, crumbling around me to dust and having to find the will to start all over again. Yet, at the same time, I fear not getting the solitude and space I need to hear myself think and to let go of all of the external pressures which honestly don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I fear losing myself in the noise which is our world. I fear being misunderstood. I fear not mattering or making a difference. I fear being forgotten and living a life in which it wouldn’t have matter if I were alive or not.

What do other people consistently tell you that you need to work on or develop? What new behaviors are you committed to practicing?

I honestly don’t know, and maybe that’s because I haven’t truly been listening or processing those pieces of the conversations. I feel like I don’t get constructive feedback from many people, if any. It’s hard to know what you need to work on when you’re the only person providing yourself with feedback.

I want to try to be more self-confident at work. I want to feel like I am a leader, regardless of my title or position, rather than feeling like I’m unworthy of being thought of as a leader because of my shadow belief of inadequacy.

At the end of your life, what do you hope people will thank you for contributing?

If, when I die, a line could be formed and people could thank me for something before I walk through the doors of death, I would want them to thank me for caring. I would want them to thank me for giving a fuck when so much of the world didn’t. I would want to be thanked for taking the time to listen to them and to make them feel like they mattered because we all matter. Every single one of us. We all have a voice. We all sing, and scream, and laugh and cry. We all are born. We all grow older than what we were. We all experience and love and grief. We all learn and make mistakes.

I feel that deep down, at the core of who we are as humans, that all we want is to know that someone heard us and listened to our story. I want to be known as one of the people who listened and truly heard what they said.

If you decided to take a new approach to living or leading, what would this new approach be?

Understanding my own shortcomings and flaws so I can better understand how I positively or negatively affect the people I interact with.

MUSING MOMENTS 124: LFTIO – Character Vs. Coping

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 3
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”





Coping



Particularly in times of stress, which of these qualities of Coping are more prevalent for you?

Fear: In extremely stressful situations there is usually an internal sense of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough, fast enough, smart enough. Fear of people thinking less of me or my character. Fear of damaging my honor. Fear of the people I care about not being there for me. Fear of being alone. Fear of experiencing grief all over again. Fear of loss.

Control: Control is another quality I turn to in order to cope with stress. If I control things I have a better idea of what’s going to happen. I have a better idea of the outcome and the obstacles that will arise and how to handle them. With control, I don’t have to worry about something not getting done, or being done incorrectly, or to a subpar standard. With control, I take most of the unknown out of a situation which gives me a sense of security in an otherwise insecure time.

Safety/Security: Both safety and security become more important to me during stressful situations. I want to know I’ll be ok and I want to know how I’ll be ok. I don’t want just nebulous pretty words and phrases. “Oh, it will turn out fine. You’ll see.” No. No it won’t. How will it turn out fine? I want a solid, detailed to-do list with bullet points and cliff notes ensuring that there are no hidden potholes for me to stumble into on my path towards “ok-ness” or error recovery. I want to know exactly how things will be fine or better or ok.

I want to know I can contact the people I want to contact. I want to know everything will be where I left it. When situations begin to turn stressful or unfamiliar, unclear, unsure, there’s an increased want for things to be the same and familiar. No more unknowns. I’m already dealing with unknowns. I want to know I’ll make it home and everyone will be there and that I can have a hug and that even if it was a horrifically horrible day that everything is alright because I can count on something, anything, being normal and stable; like a light at the end of the tunnel. There needs to be some small measure of consistency that I can count on.

Winning at all costs: My drive to win can come to the surface sometimes. This can come out in the form of speeding if I’m running late which is essentially breaking the law when you get down to it. Staying up late to finish a project before a deadline at the expense of not getting enough sleep and suffering for it the next day. Clocking out at work yet staying to finish highlighting flowsheets because I refuse to let time win or prevent me from starting the morning the way I want to. A lot of the things I can think of for “winning at all costs” involve self-sacrifice. I would never be ok with “winning” by being underhanded to or with someone. That would make it a hollow victory and lower the standards I hold myself to. If you have to cheat someone else to win then it’s not winning. It’s dishonest and wrong.

Distraction: When my emotional pain and grief are particularly strong, distraction can become a coping mechanism. In those instances taking something like Benadryl or drinking alcohol so I can sleep have happened. Distracting myself, more accurately, removing myself, from the situation provoking my grief is my way of coping. It happens less than it did in the beginning, but that does not excuse the times it still occurs or when the thought to do so enters my mind. Distracting myself from the situation does not address the underlying emotional discord. It doesn’t fix anything, only prolongs the emotional anguish I am trying to avoid. Avoidance is not honorable. While for a majority of the past two years I have chosen to be brave rather than be a coward, I won’t deny the fact that being brave is hard and that sometimes I still feel like a small child on the inside that doesn’t want to face the monsters. Sometimes it feels easier to hide from them, the monsters, the problems, the emotions, and to pretend they aren’t there.

Overwhelmed by Circumstances: Being overwhelmed is something I contend with as an introvert. If change over at work is extremely rough I can feel myself fraying towards the end. Each additional request from a patient takes more and more from my already tapped out resources. I can become short. I can feel myself shutting down and grasping at the thought of “as soon as this person is on I can go to break and it will all be ok”. Or when I am at home and I cannot get the space and solitude I want, I can begin to feel trapped and confined. I need to work on not shutting down when I feel overwhelmed. If I shut down then communication breaks down and there is a greater chance of conflict or additional stressors being created.


What is going on during those times? Inside you? Outside you?

When situations are stressful externally, there is usually a lot of people involved or a lot of input I am having to process through. The trip to Devor for Academy was a stressful situation for me. I have PTSD with flights which I had to contend with. I had to share a room with someone I didn’t know. I had to participate in group activities with people I didn’t know. I had to be in a room with 600 other people I didn’t know for not one, but two days. Distraction was implemented in the form of smoking more than what I normally would have at home. It gave me a reason to go outside and be away from the majority of the people.

There is physical tension in my body. Mostly my shoulders and upper chest. I tend to be more guarded and less open to additional external stimulation. I strive to resolve situations so there’s less input to worry about. I can be controlling because if I’m in control I know what will or will not get done and when. I have an issue asking for help because I don’t want to be seen as weak or deal with others who may have a negative attitude in regards to being asked to do something. This can backfire however and lead to people feeling excluded or thought of as inadequate since I did not request their assistance. They could have made the situation easier but I denied them the chance to help and feel useful and needed.

When a situation is emotionally stressful there is usually pain and feelings of coldness. I feel small and alone even if I’m surrounded by people. Feeling safe and like I belong become extremely important to me. I need to know I matter and that I’ll be ok. Certain dates are stressful for me. Certain topics are stressful for me. Admitting or consciously accepting certain things can be stressful for me. Certain situations can bring emotions to the surface as well. All of these emotional triggers, both known and unknown, and invoke feelings of isolation which as paradoxical as it may sound, cause me to withdraw.

How do you feel? What do you notice in your body? What do you notice in your relationships?

I feel overwhelmed. I feel fear. I feel insecurity. I feel hopelessness. I feel determination and a burning drive to prove Life wrong and that I will win no matter what it throws at me because I refuse to be defeated. I feel injustice and frustration. I feel anger and exasperation and tiredness and burnout.

Physically, I feel muscle fatigue and headaches. I become lethargic and apathetic.

In my relationships, I notice I pull away and close myself off because I do not want my negativity to affect others. I feel I am seen as a person people can turn to. It can be off-putting for them to realize that I don’t always have my shit together. I have learned who to turn to during these stressful times and who not to. I am getting better about admitting when I need help and when something is stressful to me and understanding why it is stressful in the first place.

What fears, limitations, inadequacies, or beliefs arise when you are in a Coping pattern?

I am not good enough. Everything is pointless. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t matter. My struggle doesn’t matter. I should give up. I won’t be able to achieve what I’m trying to do. No one cares. I’m alone. I don’t make a difference. I can’t change things. Nothing will change.


Character

Which of these Character qualities are more prevalent for you?

Serving Others: This is important to me. It permeates through almost every aspect of my life.

At home, I actively do chores before being asked to do them because I know if I do something that needs to be done, someone else doesn’t have to do it or worry about it later.

At work, I take on every task I am able to as a PCT because I know there are things I am unable to do as a PCT. I can’t draw or give meds. I can’t assess patients. I can’t chart. I can’t put in new orders or change existing ones. I can, however, spin and pack labs. I can generate for the coming day. I can test machines and enter the values into the computer. I can clean stations and unpack shipments when they come in. All of these actions are able to be done by anyone, but since they are some of the few things which fall within the narrow scope of practice I am allowed to work in, I strive to make sure I am the one to do them, not others who have other tasks which need to be done which I cannot help with.

At the dojo, I help keep the younger members focused and on task. If sensei is busy training with other students and I am in the back doing bag work, I can help correct improper forms. I can remind students that while roundhouse kicks are fun and cool, sensei wanted them to practice their hooks and it’s disrespectful to stand around chatting or doing other things. We’re at the dojo to be focused and to learn. I am serving not only sensei by allowing him to be elsewhere within the dojo, but I am also serving the younger students by teaching them self-discipline, respect, focus, and accountability.

Purpose: I feel purpose can be synonymous with intention. Everything I do usually has a purpose. Even the act of doing “nothing” serves the purpose of allowing myself to relax and decompress and regroup so I am better able to handle future situations. Everything I do has an intention and I feel that’s important. Why do something, anything, if there is no reason to be doing it?

Inclusion: This is another driving factor for me. I want others to be and feel involved. I want them to feel like they matter, that their effort meant something and was not only noticed but appreciated.

Anything from putting the dishes away or baking muffins to surviving a hellish change over at work. Communication plays a huge roll in a task’s success and progress. Communication helps ensure everyone involved understands what the end goal is and how they make the end goal happen. Taking the time to communicate to my team members “If you are ok with taking care of these things, I can take care of these things,” allows us to have a solid understanding of how to handle individual and collective situations, which moves us closer to the end goal of ensuring we provided caring, safe, and timely treatments for all of our patients.

“If you help me unload the dishwasher and put the clothes away, we’ll be able to play games sooner,” lets the kids know that if they help with chores, there’s a positive outcome for their time and effort. They know what their part in the process will be, and they know what we’re working towards. I give them the option to be part of it and it is up to them to make the conscious decision to be part of that process or not. Inclusion to me, is an option, a compromise, not a demand.

Tolerance/Openness: Tolerance is something I try extremely hard to practice. I try to be understanding and tolerant of others because I know there’s a lot behind the scenes that I may not be aware of. Past experiences, discord in personal relationships, internal struggles with emotions or negative thoughts… We all have our own stories and baggage. Just because I get what I view as crummy service from a server at a restaurant, does not mean I should immediately pass judgment as “they’re a crummy server.” Just because a patient is snippy with me does not mean they are a jerk and intentionally trying to make my day harder. Events and situations merely are. They exist. It is our own perspectives and emotions which have us color these situations in hues of good or bad. Being tolerant, patient, and open to the fact that my perspective and hue may be different or even incorrect I feel is vital to finding harmony and understanding of true intentions.

Wisdom: There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is having facts or ideas through actions such as studying, researching, observing, or experiencing. Wisdom is the ability to use knowledge to understand what is right or applicable to a situation.

Knowledge is passive. Wisdom is active. I try to be wise in my choices. I try to gather as much information about a situation before using my knowledge to make what I feel at the time is the best choice. I willing share that wisdom with others who seek it or who seem like they would benefit from understanding my perspective and experiences.

Humility: I try to remain humble through all of my successes. Firstly, I did not reach success by myself. Even if it is merely the emotionally supportive statement of “I believe in you,” that support played a role in my endeavor. Success does not make me better than any other human. We all struggle. We all strive. We all breathe, and in the end, we all die. Humility is my reminder that we are all mortal and therefore, all the same. I treat others how I want to be treated; with respect, honor, and dignity, regardless of what I have or have not done with my life.

Presence: I enjoy being present. I enjoy experiencing life, and maybe enjoy isn’t quite the right word. While I did and still do enjoy many aspects of my schooling, career and personal life, I did not “enjoy” the abusive relationships I was in. I did not “enjoy” my parents’ divorce. I did not “enjoy” my mother’s hospitalization or her resulting death.

I am, however, grateful for the lessons those situations taught me. By being present and confronting those situations, rather than shying away from and avoiding them, I was able to grow as a person. I was able to transcend the narrow-minded thoughts and perspectives that I had at the time and to truly empathize with what others go through during those situations.

By choosing to be present and to fully experience my own emotions and thoughts rather than distracting myself from the inner and outer work which needed to get done, I was able to find peace within myself, in my relationships, and with my place in the world.

I try to take that mentality into every situation I enter. If I am with another person, I will not actively play with my phone, texting other people. If I need to make a phone call or receive one during our time together, I ask if they would mind rather than off-handedly saying, “Give me a second. I need to take this.”

If I am taking care of a patient, I will not think of the 8 million chores I need to do once I am home. The chores will remain undone because I have yet to meet the elusive Chore Fairy that my mom constantly mentioned. While I am with my patients, the only thing that matters is making sure they are cared for; that I listen to them and legitimately hear what they are saying. What matters is that I am present with them because this is the only moment I will get with them. I can’t go back and redo the moment later.

The same is true for every interaction with every person in my life. Life isn’t a video game. There’s no saved file to reload. No checkpoint to return to. No undo option to set the situation back to the beginning. Life can’t be redone. There is only ever this moment and I want to experience it, understand it, and be part of it.

What is going on when these Character qualities are present?

When I am at my best self, things are usually going “right”. I typically feel like all areas of my life are figured out and fairly balanced. No one area is receiving more undue attention than the others. Everything is in accordance with how it feels it should be. I feel like my energy is going to the “right” places and that my causes and projects are honorable and worthwhile.

I have a clear understanding of what is supposed to happen in a given situation. I have minimal external and internal conflicts demanding my energy or focus to resolve. I’m not sick. I’m not tired. I’m not overly stressed or burnt-out. I don’t have an endless to-do list looming over me with the thoughts of “how in the world am I supposed to get all of this done?”, yet even if I do, the tasks seem manageable because I understand how it will all get taken care of. Not many things are nebulous. There are solid time frames and quantitative progress is made at a rate which feels fulfilling and rewarding.

How do you feel?

I usually feel good. Energized. Motivated. Upbeat. I want to do things. I want to make progress. I want to get out of bed. I very rarely have to convince myself to do things or that it’s worthwhile. The situation on its own feels worthwhile. I don’t have to use mind games or tricks or reward systems to get things done. The completion of something on its own is reward enough to give me the drive to see something to completion.

How can you continue to lead from Character in more situations?

I suppose now that I am more aware of why situations are stressful and how I tend to respond to that stress, I can try self-correcting more. When I begin to feel overwhelmed or when I begin withdrawing into myself, I can pause for a moment and breathe through the tension. I can make the conscious choice of how I want to continue forward in the situation. Do I want to merely cope through it, or do I want to actively practice what really matters to me?

What is more important, my sense of self-preservation and getting to my break as quickly as possible so I can have a few minutes alone, or being fully present and realizing that even though there might be a lot of stuff going on, there is still a moment to experience and if I shut down I might miss out on something I’ll never be able to get back?

Musing Moments 123: LFTIO – Conscious Beliefs

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 2
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”.



What do you believe about yourself?

 I believe I am a good person. I believe I create ripples which have larger effects than I’ll ever be able to know or understand. I believe I am living the life and having the experiences I was meant to have. I believe that I will be ok even when it feels like I won’t be.

I believe my mom would be, and is, proud of me and the choices I have made before, during, and after her death. Even the choices she may not have agreed with or had hoped I would avoid making I think made her proud because they were learning experiences which helped turn me into the me I am today.

I believe I am here to help people through their own dark times because the only reason I have made it through my own dark times was because of the support of others. No man is an island and I cannot deny nor discredit the help I have had in making it to where I am in life.

I believe I function better when I am able to have solitude and time away from the chaos and noise of life to reflect on my emotions, reactions, situations and to self-analyze so I understand myself and others more clearly. I believe that introversion and extroversion should not be categorized in terms of strengths or weaknesses. I believe there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and that my need for solitude is not unhealthy and does not require intervention.

I believe I still have a lot of work to do within my inner and outer worlds, but I can and will recognize that I have come a long way throughout my life. I will not deny how far I have come in the three years since mom’s death even if acknowledging that progress is painful to certain areas of my consciousness.

I am, and will continue to live a life I can be proud of; one with honor, intention, and empathy. I will continue to try to understand my grief. I will continue to not let my sadness win. I will continue to tell my evil voice of self-doubt to sit down and shut up while I go off and prove to myself that I can and will do amazing things.

I believe that I will continue to grow as a person, learning, experiencing, adjusting, and evolving. I believe I will continue to be a force of awesome within the universe for the brief moment of time I am here to do so.


What do you believe about other people?

 I believe most people have good intentions. I believe people are driven first and foremost by self-preservation. I believe that everyone has a story with dark sections they do not want to talk about or share or experience a second time. I believe that everyone is human and that when I am hurt by someone in order to truly understand why I hurt I must step outside of myself and strive to understand the other person’s motivation and the backstory leading up to the situation we find ourselves in.

I believe most people will not understand me or my inner world. I believe most people will continue to be intimidated or dismissive of me and my beliefs because of the intensity in which I feel my truths, values, and commitments. I believe I will always feel like an outsider in regards to my place within society and that a large part of this “outsider-ish” feeling has to do with identifying as an INFJ and my personality type making up less than 1% of the world’s population. Much like life, I feel regardless of what others believe, say, or feel, my being an INFJ is a fact and that I am in control of how I view this fact in regards to it being good or bad; positive or negative.

I believe other people will always have their own thoughts and feelings. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but that does not mean I have to agree with those opinions or accept them as my own truths.

I believe relationships, trust, and openness with others will continue to be the areas of my life requiring the most conscious attention due to my past experiences.

I believe that all people will, at some point, die, because we are all mortal and that is the natural order of things.


What do you believe about your teams?

 I believe my team works well together. I believe we will be ok once the clinic opens to six days a week again. I believe I will make sacrifices in future moments without thinking them through fully which will lead to, in some degree, regret and that this is something I should be aware of and consciously work to avoid for the betterment of the team.

I believe my FA works hard and does her best for our team and our patients. I believe my FA makes personal sacrifices for her team. I believe she genuinely cares about me as a person as well as a worker. I wish I were able to provide more support than what I am currently able and this inability to help more leads to feelings of inadequacy when I begin struggling with feelings of grief or depression; fuel for a self-destructive fire. Being aware of this as a Shadow Belief within myself, that I am inadequate, allows me to combat this and other false beliefs, thus allowing me to stay a strong, healthy, and balanced member of our team. It also allows me to help other members understand and cope with their own Shadow Beliefs which may be similar to my own.

I believe I am the most consistent member my team has had so far since the clinic opened. I believe I will continue to provide a sense of consistency, dependability, and organization to my team and I am ok with those being the unspoken roles I fill.


What do you believe about life?

 I believe that life has a purpose even if I feel lost and purposeless sometimes. I believe that I am on the path I am supposed to be on. I believe I have met the people I have and gone through the experiences I have survived for a reason. I believe that unfairness and fairness are subjective and in regards to life, hold no bearing. Life is. Life exists. Much like a fact, life is neither good nor bad. It is neither fair nor unfair. It is our own perceptions and judgments which color our world in the hues we choose to feel and see and accept as true.

Life has been a journey and while there have been moments of sadness and loss, I try extremely hard not to regret the choices I have made or the experiences I have gone through. I try to be content and accepting with where I am at in my journey because being sad or angry or wishing something had gone differently is a waste of energy. Nothing in the past can be changed. Harboring regret dishonors and diminishes the importance of all the good, positive, and beneficial things which were born out of those darker moments.

Since mom’s death, I view happiness as a fickle, fleeting thing, much like a candle flame which can, and will, be disturbed by the slightest of changes in the air. I strive to feel the calmer, more stoic, more foundational feeling of contentment. Happiness, in my opinion, is external; contentment is internal. I would rather my inner world be at peace and content rather than worrying about external displays of joy and happiness. I live life for myself, not for the outward approval of others.


What do you believe is your impact or influence on others?

 I believe I have a positive impact on those around me. I believe I am able to genuinely touch people through sharing my story. I believe I inspire people to realize themselves and to become more self-aware individuals. I believe I help them confront and fight their own evil voices because I have been able to confront and battle my own internal voice. I guess that’s what I really believe when it comes down to it. It’s not so much about being a positive influence. I help people be more aware of themselves.


What do you believe about leadership?

 I believe I have a very different view of leadership than most people.

I believe I have a dislike for the term leadership because it puts an unseen barrier between individuals. It creates a platform from which someone looks down from and others look up to. The term leadership, to me, creates distance and that distance feels like sandpaper beneath my skin.

Leadership isn’t about distance and levels and climbing a hierarchical ladder of BS.

Leadership, to me, is about being a role model. It’s about showing others how to be a decent, intentional, and aware human being. It’s about having made more mistakes than others and sharing how to overcome those mistakes or not make them again.

It’s about having people want to follow you because they believe in your cause just as much as you believe in it, not because you told or forced or paid them into following you. Being a leader means people trust you to not be a self-absorbed jerk and to not throw them under the bus just to save your own skin.

Leadership is about caring about others more than yourself. You care about others more than personal gain. More than personal image. More than personal security. More than a personal paycheck.

As a leader, you care about your co-workers, your team, your family, your community and society more than yourself as an individual or your own personal truths and beliefs. You care about basic human rights. You care about people not feeling used or taken advantage of. You care about people feeling like they matter and that there is a point, a reason, for waking up in the morning.

As a leader, you understand that others do matter. Others do make a difference and they do have the potential to be amazing even if they do not see it or understand it themselves.

As a leader, you are taking on the responsibility to care. As a leader, you see and acknowledge the effort others put in. As a leader, you help someone when you see them struggling. You guide and mentor and support others through their challenges, both internal and external. As a leader, you work just as hard as you ask those around you to, if not harder.

As a leader, as a role model of human decency, you compromise. You listen. You learn. You admit when you’re wrong. You don’t gloat when you’re right. You treat others with kindness and remain humble because no matter how high you climb, no matter how far reaching your influence, no matter how impressive your title becomes, we all will die. You. Me. Kings all the way down to the lowest of serfs. We will all return to dust and the titles and labels and invisible barriers we convince ourselves are there will be nothing once more. In the end, we’re all human. We’re all mortal.

Life is unfair. There’s no reason for us to make it harder on each other and as a leader, we are stepping forward on the battlefield of life and saying to all those around us, “I am here to help you not lose. I am here when your fight gets hard. I am here to battle your foe with you, shoulder to shoulder because I care about your struggles. I care about your life and your goals and your dreams and I’m going to help you reach them because you can reach them; the only person we have to convince of that truth is you.”

To me, that is leadership.

Musing Moments 122: LFTIO – Conscious Wake-Up Call

Standard
DSS Leadership – Assignment 1
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”.




What is really important to me?

Making a difference in people’s lives is important to me. I need there to be a reason for me to be alive. I need there to be a reason for me to wake up in the morning otherwise what’s the point in doing it? What’s the point of struggling to understand and breathe through my grief and the pain and loneliness of mom being dead if everything is meaningless? What’s the point in doing anything if what I do doesn’t matter?

I realize this might be a coping mechanism and a dependency, but this is where I am currently at in life and in my grieving process. I need my life, my energy, my effort to matter and to legitimately make a difference so I have legitimate, almost tangible reason to keep living.

Not regretting my choices and wasting life is also important to me. My decision-making process is very different than what it was three years ago. I do more for myself. I am less of a work-o-halic. I am less of a perfectionist. I evaluate my choices through a lens of “If I were to die tomorrow, would I regret doing or not doing this action. I would regret saying or not saying these words?”

I try to ensure I am living the life I want to be living. I try to ensure I have a clear understanding of my values and priorities. I try to ensure that the ripples I make within my sphere of influence are positive and that I make amends when feelings are hurt. I try to resolve conflict as quickly and as mutually beneficial as possible. No one knows when their time will come and I do not want to leave things unspoken or undone, so I suppose in that regard closure is important to me as well. It’s important to me to go to sleep at night with a sense that I lived life the fullest I was able to that day. It’s important to me that nothing in regards to my relationships or personal wants feels like it was withheld, ignored or avoided because I might not have the chance to change or fix things later.


Is this the life I want to live?

Yes… and as much as I wish I could say otherwise, at the same time, no.

I want my mom to be alive. I don’t think those feelings or thoughts will ever change or go away. If I’m completely honest with myself and the Universe, I’m still just a little girl from a divorced family on the inside who wants to make mommy proud and now that mom isn’t here I’m having to adjust to living for myself. I struggle with feelings of not having a safety net; of not having a home to go back to. I most likely struggle more often than I admit to myself, let alone the outside world and there is a strain and weariness that comes with the feeling of having to be strong all the time for everyone always.

I can say, that though life is different than what I had wanted or expected it to be, I am content with where I am. I’m glad I moved to Nebraska even though several important people in my life did not agree with my choice. I am proud of the person I am turning into and I believe my mom would be, and is proud, of me as well. I, for the first time in three years, actually feel excited about different future events in my life and I wake up looking forward to things and with a sense of purpose more often than not.

I cannot and will not deny that there is a part of me who will always wish that things were just a little bit different than what they are, however, I believe I am living life to the best of my ability in this moment. I recognize that I am still emotionally and spiritually injured. I am still in the process of healing and figuring myself out. I understand it may still be years before I fully reconcile all of these new emotions and insecurities within myself. Maybe my best will improve as time goes on. Maybe I’ll eventually stop looking at life with such an acute awareness of death. All I can do is continue living and see where my journey takes me. I have no ultimate destination in mind and I think for the moment that’s ok. I am learning to live again and right now it feels like I’m where I’m meant to be going in the direction I am meant to go.


What gives passion, meaning, and purpose to my life?

Helping others realize that even when it’s dark and scary and they don’t know how they’re going to make it to the other side or if there is even an “other side” to get to, that they’ll be ok and they’re not alone. I suppose that could be summed up as supporting others; connecting with others. Much like when I played World of Warcraft as a Discipline Priest. I wasn’t the main healer. I wasn’t the main DPS or the tank. I didn’t need the spotlight. More accurately, I didn’t want the spotlight. I wanted to work in the background, supporting the rest of the group and knowing that I helped all of us reach the goal we were working for. I was part of something rather than “being” something. Most of my previous projects in the Computer Animation field and as an instructor were completed in the same mindset. I was part of a group. I was part of an event. I was part of something, which meant I was connected to something larger than myself.


How can I better serve, to make even more of a difference?

I don’t know. I guess that begs the question of do I want to make more of a difference? Maybe I don’t like this question because it makes it feel like what I’m already doing isn’t enough. Or maybe it’s because this question disregards everything I am currently doing.

I know that I want to become a preceptor so I can help train new techs Through training new techs, I would be indirectly helping the patients they interact with, thus increasing my sphere of influence.

I want to be an LPN to broaden my scope within the clinic, allowing me to increase the portion of the workload I am able to take for my team. I want to become an RN for the same reason. I would be better able to “serve” if I were allowed to do more things within the clinic.

Much further into the future, there’s the possibility of becoming an RN instructor; teaching others how to care for and be empathetic to patients. This would be another instance of both directly and indirectly affecting others.

There are so many possibilities and ways that I could do more. Maybe if there had been a question before this one of “What do you currently do to make a difference?” or something along those lines I wouldn’t have such abrasive feelings towards this one.

I do a lot. I want to do more. That doesn’t mean what I do isn’t enough.


How can I live connected to these inner values?

Again, this question is mildly frustrating. It makes it feel as if I’m not currently living connected to these inner values, even though I feel I am. It makes me question if what I am doing is good enough which makes me feel defensive because internally I feel I am doing good enough and I don’t want that inner truth to be questioned or attacked.

In regards to the inner value of purpose: I changed career fields so that every morning I wake up and go to work, I directly affect peoples lives. Without the dialysis treatment I help provide, people’s health and quality of life would be directly impacted. My team will suffer if I don’t show up to work. My patients will suffer if I don’t show up to work. My existence matters. Though I know my existence mattered while I was an instructor, sitting in front of a computer feeling like I was for the most part babysitting, did not give my life the sense of meaning I needed to keep struggling through my own internal battle of “Why? Why wake up? Why show up? The lab could be covered if I wasn’t here.”

On a personal level, I needed things to change and be different because I had changed. I was different. Life was different and could never go back to being the same. I needed my career to reflect that internal change so I changed it. I feel as long as I wake up and continue doing the work I am doing that I am living life in alignment to my value of purpose. My life has meaning and value because I give life, meaning, and value to others.

I’m not sure how to live life more inline to my value of closure more than I already do. I tell the people I love that I love them. I say sorry when I feel I am wrong, or when it is brought to my attention that something I said or did had a negative impact. I try to express my feelings rather than letting things fester under the surface, hidden by my silence. This is something I still need to work on, especially in my personal relationships, but I have come a long way in that regard and I will not be dismissive of my improvement. I try to make sure that things are “right” between me and the people I interact with. I am getting better about asking people the question, “Are we ok?” because I want to take the time and energy to fix it if we’re not.

The last value I feel I wrote about was my sense of purpose in supporting and connecting with others. I feel I do that through my work. I feel I do that at the dojo when I train with the other members. I help them improve and through helping them I help myself. I teach them to try and that their effort is not unnoticed. I teach myself to be patient and to think of something other than myself or my personal gain. I teach myself to care and see the world, the whole world, not just my narrow perspective.

By helping this eight-year-old girl not be timid and shy, I am showing her that it’s ok to be self-confident, to trust herself and that if she does something wrong it’s ok. There is honor in learning. There is honor in trying. I am teaching her that swinging and missing is ok as long as you take the time to regain your stance and try again. I’m teaching her the things I wish I had learned when I was her age because where would I be now if I had? Where would I be, what conflicts could I have avoided or navigated better if I hadn’t struggled so much with self-worth and self-confidence or the fear of failure?

I feel I do a fairly good job of living in accordance to my values. There is always room for improvement, but the defensiveness I felt at the beginning of this question I think stems from being made to question if what I do isn’t enough which may be my own Shadow Beliefs coming to the surface.

Daily Post 147: Recap of the Weekend

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I think Thursday was the last day I wrote. Nothing much really happened I think. It’s hard to remember. My dojo gear didn’t show up, but I was expecting it not to since it was delayed by the weather. I think I cross stitched a bit. I’m pretty sure I finished watching Future Diary.

Oh. I made an OkCupid account since that’s something Ox and I have talked about. I spent a fair amount of time plucking away, answering their questions. I’ve had an account with that particular site before and have invested way more time than should be humanly appropriate answering their questions. I can’t help it. There’s always another question to answer… -_-;

But yeah, overall I think Thursday was relatively uneventful. I made the chicken taco soup recipe I found a while back for the family. It was approved for future dinners. Woo.

I admit that I’m always terrified when I make something new for the family. What if they don’t like it? Then all of that food (read money) is wasted and everyone is still left hungry and faith in my cooking ability comes into question and all of these other horribily horrific consequences that are made up inside of my head.

So far that hasn’t been the case. Most of what I have cooked has either been liked or tolerable enough to make it through at least the one meal.

Friday was a smooth day at work. Four of our patients didn’t show up. I worked with my FA, so that in addition to being short so many treatments meant I was able to do a lot of the more admin-y things like updating the checklists I’ve created and finishing off some online training I had been assigned.

I tried to mix acid… Note the word tried because of course something had to go wrong…

On Monday I opted not to do it since the morning started with a patient crashing due to low blood sugar. Wednesday I couldn’t get the filter container to unscrew so I could replace the filter. Our Biomed said not to worry about it when I text him. He would be there on Thursday and replace it for me since it could be finicky.

So cue the smooth day of Friday. The filter was replaced. Everyone was stable. Got the tank rinsed and ready to go. Added in all the granules. Went to test the specific gravity of the acid only to open up the hydrometer to see it shattered…

Right Brain: What the actual fuck, Universe? Could you just not? Like, for once could you calm your tits and just let me do this without some sort of challenge or hurtle or unexplainable bullshit thing going wrong? ;-;

Since acid can stay in the mixing tank for up to two weeks before transferring my FA and I came up with a game plan. Since I had to go into Lincoln anyway during the weekend, I would swing by our sister clinic and pick up their hydrometer to use on Monday to test our acid. They had just mixed a batch so they wouldn’t need it during the beginning of the week. We will test our acid on Monday. It WILL test ok, or else… >.> OR ELSE, Universe!

I’ll be able to transfer the batch from the mixing tank and everything will be right in the world. My FA will take the hydrometer home with her and take it back to our sister clinic on Tuesday morning before continuing on her way to teach a nursing class in Omaha. A replacement meter for our clinic has already been ordered, so the next time I go to mix a batch of acid I should have the new meter and not have to worry about borrowing one again.

Right Brain: There. Problem solved. Suck it, Universe. /victory dance

I didn’t go to the dojo Friday, but I did get a message from UPS saying my box had been delivered. Ox was fighting off a migraine when I got home so I didn’t have the warm hello I had been anticipating. It put me in a bit of a funk. I didn’t have the joy of opening up my box and sharing the experience with someone.

Instead, I started dinner so he could sleep for a bit. By the time dinner was done Ox was feeling better and the night recovered. He helped me put my headgear on for the first time. I feel like the gloves are too big on my hands, but I want to get the input of my sensei before deciding to return them or not. I also got to mess around with my new gym bag. It’s smaller than my current one. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I might also return it and go to a sports store to see what they have. That’s one of the things I dislike about ordering online. You don’t get to actually see or interact with the item you’re buying. If I had seen the gym bag in person I most likely would have decided against it from the get-go. : /

Anywho, dinner was alright. I’m not a huge fan of pork chops but everyone else seemed to like the meal well enough.

Saturday started fairly well. I went into town early to stop by the clinic. While I was there I camped out in the conference room and figured out the two recipes I wanted to do for dinner over the weekend and the shopping list I needed to go with those meals. I stopped at Walmart on the way home. That was more expensive than I had anticipated, but Mama Ox gave me $60 to cover what I bought. I’m grateful for the financial help.

After eating breakfast with everyone I put my gym bag and the hydrometer in the car and drove the new Trax down to Beatrice so I could go to the dojo for at least one class, maybe two.

Well… that would have worked had it not been for me forgetting that there was a competition going on this weekend and that dojo was actually closed both Friday and Saturday… Yeah… good thing I needed to stop by the clinic to drop off the hydrometer anyway so it wasn’t a wasted trip. Sort of took the wind out of my sails, though. Here I thought I was going to be able to see everyone and get feedback about my new gear, and work up a good sweat.

Oh, well. Hopefully, this coming week works out better in that regard.

I dropped the hydrometer off and sent a text message to my FA, letting her know it was there for us to use on Monday. She thanked me and said I was the best. I hardly feel like the best but I do appreciate her words.

When I got home I headed back to the kitchen. I took time to prep the veggies that were going to be needed dinner later that night and for the meal on Sunday. Mama Ox, Papa Ox, and Lil’ Ox went into town to visit family shortly after I got home. That left Ox, Ornery Ox, and my self at home by ourselves. We played a few games of Munchkin before Ornery Ox parted ways to go back to the computer room. I used the quiet time to listen to the first chapter of my leadership book. I cross stitched while I did so.

Once the chapter was done I set up my Chromebook at the kitchen table and began working through the reflection sections in the chapter. Since those are written and because I feel they are important, I plan to post them here on my blog. I’ll also be printing them out and taking them with me to my first class in March.

I made a spaghetti zoodle dinner Saturday night. I thought it turned out amazing and I was totally ok with there being leftover zoodles for me to have later in the week. I made regular noodles for the kids and they seemed to like it well enough. Not sure how Mama Ox or Papa Ox felt about the zoodles. Ox said they were alright. Not bad, just different from regular noodles.

Sunday, today, started out rough. I didn’t sleep very well last night which might be part of it. A nic-fit might have added to the morning being pretty doom and gloom for me. Ox and I are still working on the whole quitting thing. Luckily the day turned around. Ox and I made breakfast for everyone. I got my roast cooked along with starting a load of laundry. I continued in the kitchen after breakfast by meal prepping my lunches for the coming week.

After I was done in the kitchen, I cleaned up my computer desk and continued working on the reflection sections for chapter 1. That led to all sorts of emotional discord. Ox was supportive through it. I still have a section and a half to go, but I’m done for today and tomorrow. I think taking a step back at the moment is a smart move. The section I had been working on asked me to recall situations that were stressful for me and how I felt during those situations. Bringing up and experiencing all of those emotions all over again was rough.

Ox and I talked about it for a while. I felt better after explaining why it bothered me. I felt better enough to make a nest in my corner of the bed and cross stitch while starting to watch Ergo Proxy. After a couple of episodes I got up to start dinner; a cheesy taco skillet. Papa Ox said it was a Grade-A fantastic dinner. Score. Zero fucks given about what anyone else thought. Papa Ox liked it. I can die happy.

And so far that’s where I’m at. Plucking away at my leadership thing and questioning what I’m doing with my life because of what it’s making me think about and answer all while striving to make sure I don’t screw up dinner bad enough to result in my kitchen rights being revoked.

I’m content with this weekend, failed dojo attempt and all.

Daily Post 142: Tax Forms and Other Things

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Written yesterday. Posted today.

So… I feel like I have a lot to write about.

Yesterday ended up being a decent day even though it started with a rant about how horrible socializing is and how my day was falling apart around me. I felt mildly better after writing. Ox and I made plans to still go into town. I made my shopping list. Mama Ox spent a majority of the rest of the morning in her room so the immediate interaction I had with her when I woke up was pretty much the extent of it. Not having someone in the kitchen talking me to while I planned out the grocery trip helped ease the friction in my brain.

Ox came home to pick me up. As we drove into Lincoln it began snowing. We had a really nice lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings. I haven’t been there in a while since I liked my sports bar in Orlando so much more, but it’s an ok substitute. I got to have wings and a side salad since we were there early enough for the lunch menu.

After we ate we went across the street to do the shopping at Walmart. I got a small stockpile of seasoning packets since I’ve gone through all of the ones I had. I’ve been enjoying the GrillMates marinate packets for when I cook chicken. I also picked up rice to go with the bourbon chicken recipe I’m going to be making tomorrow.

Originally, the game plan was to cook the bourbon chicken for dinner last night, but since it’s a slow cooker recipe and we didn’t get home until close to 3 pm, we opted to save that for Thursday instead of waiting to eat dinner until 7ish.

Ox and I moved the insulation out of my dragon’s den together. Though no other work got done I was ok with the small progress we made. We also discussed the setup of the room more. We talked about building a custom bed frame so we can have drawers for our clothes. We also discussed furniture and have a better idea for dimensions and the spacing of things. We talked more about what will be going in the dragon den, which included my own twin sized mattress. I’m very much looking forward to having my own little corner of solitude.

I ended up cooking a dinner of BBQ chicken thighs with mashed potatoes and a side salad. It wasn’t a very complex meal but it was satisfying and filling and it seemed to go over well with everyone but Ox who isn’t a huge fan of chicken. He had a bowl of cereal for dinner instead but was content with it. At least he said that he liked it.

I got to cross stitch a bit last night, too. That, too, wasn’t a lot of progress, but some progress is better than none. I feel like I’ll get more done tomorrow while I’m sitting around waiting to pick up my car.

Anywho, that was about the extent of yesterday. It was a cold, snowy day that didn’t start anything like I thought it should have, but overall it turned out to be an ok day. I even put my clothes away and got Ox’s at least dried.

Today didn’t have a super awesome start. The snow as still coming down at 8 pm when Ox and I went to sleep. When we woke up there were about three or four inches of snow over everything, including my car. I spent time scrapping my windows, letting my car defrost the rest of the way as Ox and I had our morning cigarette together.

The drive to work was far from relaxing, but having my trip back to Lincoln from Fremont two weeks ago as a reference point, I can honestly say I’ve driven through worse. I left an hour early for work and pulled into the parking lot of the clinic on time. I drove 35 mph most of the way down. The roads sucked. There were no track marks from other cars that early in the morning. Most of the time, at least on Hickman Road, I didn’t even know where the center of the road was. Everything was ice and snow and sometimes there were black patches that looked like asphalt. Luckily there wasn’t a lot of oncoming traffic for that road, but it still wasn’t a cool feeling not knowing if I was too far over or not.

Right Brain: Doesn’t matter. I stayed on the road. Go me!

Highway 77 was a little better, but not by much. I was glad to pull into the clinic parking lot at the same time as my FA. The float RN called out due to the roads. She lives significantly further away from the clinic, and further north so she got more snow. With how crappy the drive was for the brief time I was on the road I totally don’t blame her for not coming in.

It was a pretty smooth day today at work. The tech in training is getting better. I know her first few days on her own is going to be overwhelming for her, but the only way for her to find her own flow is for me to not be there. I plan to take a serious step back on Friday. Essentially I’ll be there as a cheerleader. It’s going to be hard to not jump in and help. I’m not good at watching other people work.

We got her checked off on the few skills she needed to be observed performing. So yeah… after this week she’ll be a full-fledged Patient Care Technician. I think if she can get through the overwhelm of the first few weeks on her own that she’ll be fine. She needs to prove to herself that she can do it.

I had a bunch of emails at work today. Tax forms got posted, so I printed those. There were new emails about my leadership course, so I printed that information out. I have dates for all of the class meetings along with what our reading content will be. I plan to see if Audible has the books so I can listen to them while stitching. That would be super cool. I’m really looking forward to Emotional Intelligence 2.0. I want to jump straight to reading that one. Too bad that’s not until May or something like that. It’s one of the last books we’ll be reading for the class. So not cool. ;-;

I got to talk to my FA about taking time off in March to actually travel to Orlando to see my dad and stepsisters and Jon. She’s ok with me going so now I need to iron out the dates that will work for seeing everyone. It would be nice to see Warren #2 while I’m there and my home clinic teammates and my former coworkers at Full Sail. There’s Sir and Big Bad and my Blacksmith. There’s the potential to go to my old dojo and roll with the guys for a night or two. There’s a part of me who wishes I could see Mother Earth but I don’t know how to approach that aspect of my life just yet. I want to see my therapist, too, even if it’s only to give her a hug and to show her how amazingly well I have done since moving.

I know I won’t be able to do everything and see everyone. But at least I know there’s a possibility of it actually happening. The subject wasn’t immediately shot down. In fact, my FA wrote my tentative dates down and said if they changed to let her know. I can’t put into words how grateful, honored, and appreciative I am of her support. I feel like I matter to her as a person. I’m not just an asset. What I want matters and she tries really hard to make sure I’m happy and content both at work and in my personal life.

The new schedule for work came out today as well. That’s a big deal because our clinic will now have two techs, but we’re still only open three days a week. That means there are not enough hours for both of us to meet full-time requirements without covering at other clinics. We were told we would trade off weeks with our sister clinic in Lincoln. One week I would be in Beatrice, covering our three days, and the new tech would be in Lincoln. The next week she would be in Beatrice and I would be in Lincoln.

Neither of us wants to cover anything in Lincoln. XD

Well… with the new schedule, the first week I’m in Beatrice. Score. The second week I cover four days in a row at the Lincoln clinic. Boooooo. But, bright side, I’m either Census 1 or Census 2, which means I don’t have to stay until 9 pm to close the clinic. I’ll be one of the first people, if not the first person, to leave. Not a perfect situation since I still have to go to that particular clinic, but I’ll take it as an acceptable compromise. If I have to be there at least I’ll be out as fast as possible.

My FA also mentioned that she wants me to come to one of the regional FA meets that are held monthly. Sort of like how I sat in on the FHM meeting back in November I think it was. I’m very interested in seeing what those meetings are like. I don’t expect that I’ll contribute a lot, or that anything will really be expected of me. But with the push to have me become a preceptor for our clinic and my participation in the leadership course, our Regional Operations Director wants me to participate in one of these meetings. Like… He specifically spoke to my FA about having me attend.

Right Brain: No pressure or anything… brb while I go hyperventilate by myself in a corner… x.x

Apparently, there was talk about me become a regional float tech for the company since I’m so highly requested whenever there is a staff shortage. My FA told me about that today, too, and how she had vetoed that idea. Part of me is honored that my region as a whole feels like I would do well in a position like that. The other part of me is glad my FA told them no. I like where I’m at. I like knowing my schedule and having a clinic that’s “mine”. I like having “my” patients. I don’t mind picking up overtime every once in a while. I’m getting better at saying no; or at least saying, “I would rather not be the first pick if possible. If I’m the last resort, ok, but I really would like to be able to not have to cover that shift.”

It’s a weird feeling. I never thought I would be here when I started my own training as a dialysis technician. I didn’t even know if it was something I would be able to do. I knew for sure when I was in Orlando that I wouldn’t be able to maintain working 16 hour days. I admit to still having a hard time finding balance with the gym and dojo and school and life while working 12 hour days, but I think I’m more successful with it here in Nebraska then I ever could have hoped to have been in Florida.

I also have had so many more opportunities here to explore and branch out. Being the only tech in my clinic meant I had to step up and learn new things and cover more tasks. I don’t know… I just feel like I’m doing really well and that’s a weird feeling. I never thought about excelling or being a role model/trainer for other technicians. I just wanted to help people and to give my life some feeling of purpose because I didn’t have one when mom died.

I’ve come a long way and I feel good about that, but also sort of solemn and heavy because I wish I could share that with mom physically. I wish we could talk on the phone and I could hear her excitement and pride and happiness for me. Adult me knows she’s proud of me. Adult me knows she’s happy for me. But it would make my inner eight-year-old happy to the point of tears to actually hear it in her voice. To feel it in her hug. To see it in her smile.

Sometimes good things still suck and while I don’t think any of the positive stuff that’s happened for work really falls into the “sucks” category, it’s still tinged with this feeling of sadness because there’s still a part of me who wishes things were different.

So yeah, lots of stuff happened at work.

After work, I drove into Lincoln to drop my car off. Ox and I got dinner at Slim Chickens. They have pretty good salads. I was happy with a healthy dinner since I totally had a donut at work this morning. >.<;

We also stopped at GNC and got two more cases of Bang. Mornings can never be bad when I have that to wake up to. Maybe I should have focused on that yesterday morning rather than how I had to talk to people on my day off… something to keep in mind for next time.

Right Brain: Damnit! I have to talk to people… but at least I have a Cotten Candy Bang. All is still right in the world. : D

When we got home I printed out the other two tax forms I needed. One for the interest I’ve paid on my student loans along with one for my HSA account through work. I don’t know when I’ll actually file my taxes, but at least I have all the forms, that I know of, that I need.

And now I can feel accomplished because I’m at the end of writing. It’s pretty much bedtime, so I don’t think I’ll get to stitch at all, but I’m pretty sure I’m ok with that. I have all day tomorrow to be at home. I don’t have a whole lot of actual chores to do. I need to update my calendar with all of the new dates I have. I want to try to get in touch with my dad. I want to put the rest of the clothes away and cook dinner and other small things like that, but there’s not a whole lot in the way of obligations tomorrow. Really just dinner, which I did to myself, and picking up my car once it’s done.

I think tomorrow will be a good day. I’m looking forward to it.