000: An Era of Hope

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Daily writing prompt
What cities do you want to visit?

Across space and time, near and far, fictional worlds and battlefield scars.
The quiet places no one knows. The bleeding hearts and the broken homes.

I want to see the grief, the pain, the broken bone. Shattered buildings and crumbling roads.
Show me the shelters that were heaven within hell. The tears that flowed like invisible blood, unknown.

“That’s morbid.” “That’s fake.” “What’s the cost of compassion these days?”
And to you I say nothing, because my words aren’t for you.

They’re for the ones still struggling.
I know there’s more than a few.

I stand to say, I’m here.
I’m with you.
You’re not crazy, or insane.
Your reality isn’t fake.

I hear you.
Your screams into the void.
You’re late-night cries.
The fear of the monsters lurking within your head.

Show me every inch you had to survive.
Tell me how it cut you and bled you dry like wine.

Tell me your story, every suffering word.
I will stand silent guard, watching as you burn.

And in the ashes, as my soul shatters under the weight of your life,
I’ll gather you in my arms, and hug through the night.

You’re perfect. You’re pure. It was never your fault.
I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I’m sorry you ever felt so small.

I’m here. I know I’m late.
I never knew how much you hurt.
I know how much easier it would be to hate.

I’m proud of you.
There is no higher truth.
Surviving is brutal.
None of this is easy to do.

And yet, you’re here. Still breathing.
Still going. Somehow holding.

You’re fighting the fight. You’re saying this isn’t right.
You sincerely give a fuck, refusing to unsee the plight.

So burn to ash, my darling, baby phoenix. Rest your weary soul.
I’ve got this watch. And when the morning comes…
know you’ll burn like a star, becoming someone’s sun.

Your life matters more than you know.
There’s only one you. No one else has your glow.

Show me the cities hidden in your skin, the Romes no one knows.
The trauma and grief. Each and every shattered window.

Lay out all your pieces so we can make you whole.
From broken to art, stained glass can play a part.

You’re gorgeous. Handsome. Every single word.
Every wonderful thing and every unmarked tomb.

A contradiction. A paradox. A human to be sure. And yet…

At the core…

In the dark, alone, fighting not to give up…
It’s not Courage or Strength… no neither of them show up.

It’s the soft whispered sounds.
It is a gently clasped hand.
It’s the phone call that’s answered.
It’s the note that’s reread.

Hope. Connection. Unity. Having a common thread.
A single thing, a signal in an endless abyss.

Even here, even now, you’ve never been alone in this.

So rest, fierce dragon, brave knight, fair lady.
Mythic fey, epic creature.
Let sleep hold you as Hope softly sings her song.

Know your story matters.
Each chapter a stanza.
Every impact a note.
Pauses are part of the piece.
It -is- ok to take a breath.

You are a piece of art.
All great things take time.
Your story isn’t over.
And I promise you, neither is mine.

Embrace the ash. Sink into the rest.
That’s where your gains come from. When you stop trying to pass a test.

You’re already an achiever.
And it’s ok if you didn’t know.
So…
be fore I let you go…

Here’s a gold star. I made it just for you.
From one survivor to another, because trust me. I see you.

I know the effort. I know the cost.
I know the wounds you still carry,
even if it’s not mentioned in our talks.

This is for breathing.
For existing. Not for what you do.
You’ve earned it, simply by being here.
By being you.

So go on, little snowflake.
Be your special flavor of fun.
The world needs more of you.
Please tell me your story isn’t done.

Tell me about the rebuild.
The stand-up.
The moment you choose to keep going.
Take that step out into the unknown.

Once you wake, and there’s sun, and you see the morning light.
Let the ground greet your feet. Let it support your height.

Stand tall for but a moment.
Let pride fill your chest.
A rainbow of emotions for to be living is to be blessed.

Honor the ones we’ve lost. The versions you had to lay to rest.
Acknowledge where you are, even if it hurts.
And hold hope, ever gently; tenderly so close.

Welcome to Earth, on this wonderful new day.
There may be gray clouds, so let me be the ray.
The one who greets you, who banishes away the night.
The one who says, I’m glad you showed up another day to fight the good fight.

Let us clasp hands, a silent pledge between brethren. Of chosen family and tribal home.
We’re in this to win it. We’re booting up version 2.0.

Now go be a Force of Awesome.
Spread confetti glitter made of cheer.
Make someone disgruntled with your joy.
Take up space.
Raise your voice in song.
Do all of the things we should have been doing all along.

Rage. Grieve. Bitch and burn to ash.
Then step into a new era. The one you deserved.
The one that’s your birthright.
The one where you belong, because everyone deserves a home.

I believe in you. <3
With respect,
Aven

Mother’s Day – 10 Years Later

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The contradiction constricts my chest,
My ribs trying to cave because I was so blessed.

I loved you past the ticking of time,
Your death didn’t make you any less mine.

Day by day, this truth I want to defy
And yet, here we are, 10 years in the blink of an eye.

All the things I wish I could say…
Your whispered words, convincing me to stay.

“I’m proud of you”, “I love you”
“You’re beautiful, through and through”


Mom, you were the one who colored my sky blue. 
How? How am I supposed to do this, any of this, without you?

And I guess that’s the lesson I’m still trying to learn…
Just because you’re not here doesn’t mean your love doesn’t endure

I ache, I hurt, face down in the dirt.
And even there, you’re with me, never one to desert.

“I believe in you,” written in pen by your own hand,
A message through time, helping me to stand.

I’m still here, still going,
And I know, you’re totally glowing…

I’m doing the thing you taught me to do.
Surviving life because my strength came from you.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you, forever and for always. <3

Evening Reflection 016: On Grieving and Forgiveness

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday felt like a productive day. I wrote, posted, packed up the cats, then came back to the rental house. Which, after going back to some of my previous writings, I never explained the conclusion of the living situation…

I was approved for the rental house where my brother and his partner were staying. They in turn were approved for the house they wanted to buy. We all moved into our new locations and have been doing well. All of my stuff is finally out of storage. I unpacked mom’s china for the first time in over 4 years. I have my “work” corkboard up and decorated with all of my Thank You notes and achievements and little things which hold fond memories for me. I need to decorate my “life” corkboard, but for the most part, everything is unpacked and arranged. The cats love how much space there is for them to run around and there are a billion windows for them to sun bask or lose their shit when they see a bird. It’s adorable. 

Anywho, I came back to the rental, made sure the cats were doing well after making the trip home in the cat carrier, started laundry, showered, and all that fun adulty stuff. Once I felt caught up with tasks at the house, I hopped in the car and made the short drive to a nearby gym. 

I had canceled my membership at the YMCA. Those locations, while not super far away, also are not close and I knew I wouldn’t be invested enough to drive out of my way to go to a place that I already halfway sort of didn’t like. 

This other gym is significantly closer and more in line with the type of goals I want to have for myself. And… AND… they have a sauna. I was sold before we even finished talking. They have a “happy little warm introvert box”. I would give part of my soul for that shit. Instead, all they wanted was part of my paycheck.

I get a discount due to my company. That’s sort of cool. Not going to lie, I wasn’t expecting anything when I name-dropped who I work for. Just felt like part of the conversation for me. 

I am going to be going to my first class today. It’s a spin class at 9:30. I’m hoping I do well. I’m hoping there are not a ton of people. 

Work was decent yesterday. I was able to finish a cross-stitch I was working on and began another. I sent an email to the Director of Global Training to see about setting up a meeting with her. I also got to spend some time chatting with my Team Lead. 

Ox ended up coming back to the rental after his D&D session ended. I was worried he came over out of a feeling of obligation or something equally as “not warm” feeling due to my #1 Concern yesterday. 

He assured me it wasn’t. It helped that he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. Never mind that I had read both my writings to him during the few minutes we had before my workday started… 

Honestly, I’m not upset that he didn’t remember, or that it at the very least, didn’t make it to long-term memory. I’m glad my writing wasn’t a factor in his choice to come over. At the same time, I’m grateful for not spending the night alone in my own head. I think I would have faired better than on previous nights. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to finding out. 

I slept decently, which feels weird. I feel able to handle today and I’m looking forward to it being relatively productive. The highlight will be the sauna. Legit, I cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to finally feeling warm. 

Random Ramblings: Prompt 4-31
What do you think and feel about what your biggest champion thinks of you?


I… don’t really know how to answer this one. Do I write about what I feel about mom as my champion and her thoughts or do I write about myself as my champion and my thoughts?…

I guess I could do both. We’ll start with mom since that’s who I started with in the last writing. Woo structure. 

What do I feel about mom’s opinion of me, her support, faith in my ability, compassion, acceptance, non-judgment, love, and compassion? 

I feel warm, heard, seen, valued, safe, accepted, supported, loved, and cared for. I feel like I matter. 

It’s like when you’ve been cold and alone, lost outside in the woods in the snow and finally, someone finds you and wraps you in a warm, thick blanket. It has just the right amount of weight to make you feel secure without crushing you under the heaviness. 

Mom always made me feel like I belonged. 

What do I think about all of that…

That’s more complicated. I think that mom is right. I trust in her judgments. I believe in the way she treated people. I truly admire and respect the way she could be supportive of people without compromising her integrity. 

At the same time, my inner self is saying, “I don’t deserve that.”

But… is that truly my voice or is it the voice of my inner critic or another aspect of myself; a growth or tumor of negativity that isn’t my “true” voice? If that’s the case, wouldn’t it be better to think of it more like another person saying “You don’t deserve that?”

If it is, then I think they can shut the fuck up. But what if it is me? True me? 

That thought makes me feel cold and alone again. Like the blanket is being forceable taken from me. Like someone is with mom and saying, “It’s her fault she got lost in the first place. She doesn’t deserve help or support. She deserves to walk the rest of the way back in the cold.”

I don’t like those feelings. They don’t feel compassionate or loving. They don’t feel accepting or foster feelings of belonging. 

I guess, at this point in my journey, I have a choice. Do I walk back with the voice which is mom, safe, loved, and cared for, or do I walk back with the voice of judgment, alienation, and worthlessness? 

I’m not sure if the evil voice is truly me… if it is, then I have a ways to go before I am truly my own champion. Until I am able to fill that role in a healthy way, I choose the voice of warmth and safety. 

What do I feel about myself as my champion?

I feel I could do it eventually. I think it’s something I can learn. I have doubts when it comes to the affirmations and support I give myself. I know it is tentative. I know I can be vicious and cruel and so anything positive or supportive is hesitantly heard, never fully accepted. I know it can be taken away, revoked at the slightest transgression. And since I have committed a very serious, major transgression, I don’t have a lot of faith in the kindness I am showing myself. 

I suppose that would be a lack of trust on my part. A valid lack of trust, which is sort of sad… I don’t trust myself to love myself the way mom does. 

I have more faith in my ability to be cruel to myself rather than supportive. 

What do I think about that…

I think it’s sad. It makes my heart heavy to know that ultimately, I don’t trust myself. 

The one person in the whole world I should be able to turn to and depend on… and I don’t trust her… 

And I suppose it’s more that it’s broken trust… There have been so many times in my life where I have not been there for myself. Where I have let those evil voices of self–doubt, shame, guilt, and insecurity assault my psyche. I have stood by and watched my inner core be beaten and bloodied and I did nothing to stop it…

I know I wasn’t there for myself in the past. How can I trust I will be there for myself now or in the future? 

Rising Strong doesn’t specifically talk about this topic, but it definitely has areas that are making me think about how I handle and cope with intense emotions. 

One of the sections talks about forgiveness and how in order to truly forgive you have to accept the death of something and grieve over its loss. 

I grieve over the death of version 1.0 of the relationship with Ox. I do so knowing that there is version 2.0 we are working on and towards. That is how I am able to forgive my actions regarding the relationship.

I grieve over the death of who I was before my actions. I do this to have forgiveness within myself which is what is allowing me to begin to find who I am. 

Maybe this is tied into that, or a slightly different facet. 

Maybe I need to grieve over the death of who I was as a support structure, too. That inner me that was never there, never helped, only watched me struggle… maybe I need to grieve for her, too. She was a part of me, but it feels like my story no longer has a spot for her. Much like the 8-year-old me isn’t the main focus of the story, or 21-year-old me, or 27-year-old me… I feel this is a split in the road and I am saying goodbye to something in me, a part of me, that I can no longer move forward with. 

It’s sad. It hurts. This is what I grieve. 33-year-old me. 

It’s not that she wasn’t good enough, because she was. She tried her best and her best was all she could do. I no longer fit into the 33-year-old me mold. I can’t go back to it. I can only move forward, and so maybe that’s what I have to do… Hug her goodbye with tears running down both our faces as I take the hand of the me that will become my champion and learn how to build trust with her. 

I know what I should feel in regards to a champion. Mom showed me what that felt like. I need to grieve who I was so I can become who I’m meant to be. Grieving sucks. I’m going to go sit with my emotions for a while. 

Musing Moment 125: LFTIO – Strengths and Growth Areas

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 4
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”





Imagine yourself observing a dear friend talking about you with heartfelt love and admiration. What would your friend be saying?

Most likely something about how I am kind or caring. How I’m positive and non-judgemental. How I am accepting and understanding. Even typing those few sentences sitting alone, by myself, in front of a computer screen makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t feel like I do anything special. I feel like I treat people decently and with empathy. I don’t understand why that seems like such a special thing or why people seem to appreciate it so much. It makes my heart ache to think that we live in a world where basic kindness is such a rare thing that it has become a loved trait worthy of heartfelt admiration.

When you are energized and inspired, what particular personality traits or strengths are you expressing?

Drive. Organization. Maybe slight control, depending on how you view delegation of tasks. Timeliness. Communication. At times, periods of reflection for self and reassessment of a situation goal or process. Determination. Problem-solving. Resourcefulness. Dedication. Passion. Possibly competitiveness.

What are some of your Conscious Beliefs?

I am a good person.

What are some of your Shadow Beliefs?

I am inadequate. I am alone.

When you are leading with Character, what qualities come forth? Do certain situations inhibit or express your character more?

Passion. Empathy. Openness. Positivity. Collaboration and inclusion. Laughter, smiles, and warmth. Fun. A sense of fulfillment and worthwhileness. A sense of purpose.

The more support I or the group receives and the less progress prevention encountered, the easier it is for me to maintain motivation and moral. The more negativity others feed into the situation, the more difficult and frequent the obstacles are to overcome, the harder it is for me to maintain not only the motivation and drive of others but mine as well.

When you are leading by Coping, what qualities come forth? What beliefs or fears are generating a reactive state of mind, emotion, or behavior?

Self-preservation. A loss of security. A need to do damage control by taking control. A need to minimize additional input at all costs because more input would be too much. Larger amounts of alone time to recover from or prevent burnout and a “kill or be killed” mentality in ensuring I get the time I want/need to recharge. A lack of empathy because it feels like no one cares about me or what I want or need to be ok. No one cares about my effort or all the things I’m already doing. What I’m doing obviously isn’t good enough because if it were I wouldn’t be treated like this or feel like this or be in this situation. Depression. Apathy. Losing connection with my inner self, resulting in a disruption of balance, peace and a loss of clarity regarding my priorities and values.

I fear not being good enough. I fear being told that I should have done something better because I feel I always try my best and if my best isn’t good enough then where does that leave me? What more can I offer? I can only be me. What do I do when I am found lacking or unworthy?

I fear making the wrong choices. I fear causing harm to others through my choices. I fear miscommunicating. I fear hurting people’s feelings.

I fear being abandoned. I fear the people I love dying and leaving me alone. I fear the thought of the fragile life I have been working to build for the past three years, crumbling around me to dust and having to find the will to start all over again. Yet, at the same time, I fear not getting the solitude and space I need to hear myself think and to let go of all of the external pressures which honestly don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I fear losing myself in the noise which is our world. I fear being misunderstood. I fear not mattering or making a difference. I fear being forgotten and living a life in which it wouldn’t have matter if I were alive or not.

What do other people consistently tell you that you need to work on or develop? What new behaviors are you committed to practicing?

I honestly don’t know, and maybe that’s because I haven’t truly been listening or processing those pieces of the conversations. I feel like I don’t get constructive feedback from many people, if any. It’s hard to know what you need to work on when you’re the only person providing yourself with feedback.

I want to try to be more self-confident at work. I want to feel like I am a leader, regardless of my title or position, rather than feeling like I’m unworthy of being thought of as a leader because of my shadow belief of inadequacy.

At the end of your life, what do you hope people will thank you for contributing?

If, when I die, a line could be formed and people could thank me for something before I walk through the doors of death, I would want them to thank me for caring. I would want them to thank me for giving a fuck when so much of the world didn’t. I would want to be thanked for taking the time to listen to them and to make them feel like they mattered because we all matter. Every single one of us. We all have a voice. We all sing, and scream, and laugh and cry. We all are born. We all grow older than what we were. We all experience and love and grief. We all learn and make mistakes.

I feel that deep down, at the core of who we are as humans, that all we want is to know that someone heard us and listened to our story. I want to be known as one of the people who listened and truly heard what they said.

If you decided to take a new approach to living or leading, what would this new approach be?

Understanding my own shortcomings and flaws so I can better understand how I positively or negatively affect the people I interact with.