Written last night. Posted today.
There seems to be a pattern with this...

My brain is moosh, and once again I have gone a week without posting. At least, a week without a “daily post”. WordPress informed me tonight that I’ve actually hit a three-day streak… oh how far it seems I’ve fallen from the days of my routine posting… /sigh

Wednesday went smoothly for work. Not much to report.

Thursday…

Thursday I became a wife. There are only three people who know about it. Ox. Me. And my FA. My brothers don’t know. Ox’s parents don’t know. Sir, Mother Earth, Big Bad, my blacksmith…

No one else knows and I’m 100% sure that I’m not ready to talk about it because I myself don’t really know how I feel.

Well… yeah, I do.

Terror. Sitting here, typing out that word… the “w” word… it makes my heart beat faster in fear because I remember being hurt. I remember abusive relationships. I remember mom dying. I remember my parents’ divorce.

I was never supposed to be here in life. I was never supposed to have a stable relationship. A healthy relationship. I was never supposed to have the white picket fence with a happily ever after. This stuff wasn’t supposed to be in my cards, and now I have this hand and I’m having to reevaluate pretty much everything.

I don’t know what to do or how to tell people about it… I made the choice I legitimately wanted to make, yet I feel so insanely vulnerable writing about it that it almost makes me want to not write. If I can’t even write about it, how am I supposed to talk about it?

I’m scared of anger from others. I’m scared of having to justify or defend my choice. I’m scared of repercussions. I’m scared of it falling apart in the not so distant future because Life is a bitch sometimes. I’m scared it’s just some twisted joke and my heartbreak will be the punchline. That’s what I’m having to fight against internally.

In addition to my brain rewiring itself to process being called “wife” I’m still trying to get through this freaking leadership course which I fucking swear is going to be the death of me. This last chapter, chapter 2, was about our “storyline”. You have to map out significant events in your life and plot them on a timeline in chronological order so you can visually see when things happened to you. You then have to rate those events. -10 to 10. It’s not good enough to merely say if the event was good or bad.

Evil Book: Oh no, foolish future leader… How could you possibly think we, the writers of this book who wish only to torment you, would ever allow something to be that simple? No. Tell us how good or bad that event was because we need to know in relation to all other events in your life just how horrific or terrific it was.

*hours of grulling mental work later*

Exxxxcccellent… evil laughter

Now that you have suffered through the first half of this process, let us move on to phase 2 of your mental and emotional demise. Behold your timeline. Doth one see any patterns lurking there? Mayhaps there is a correlation between work events and interpersonal events? Pray tell if you notice some sort of consistent behavior hidden within the events of your life which thou was previously unaware of.

Yeeessss… Most excellent… We can feel your brain melting. Suffer puny mortal. Suffer for your insulence of thinking you could merely read this book and answer our questions simply. Muahahahahahaha!

I swear if the book could talk that’s the type of shit it would be saying to me. No joke. Who needs an inner Evil Voice when you can just pick up a self-help book?

First off, Book… Do you know how much shit has happened to me in just the past three years? Seriously. Do you know how many events hit my radar as “significant”, both positive and negative, in the mere three years since my mom died which is probably the most significant event in my life aside from my birth? Holy fuck. I’m 30. Could half of my “significant events” not have been spread out over at least a third of my life? Did it all have to happen within a three-year span?

Apparently, it did…

Well… Once you get all of that figured out and answer all of the questions about what “good” event shaped you the most and why, and what “bad” event shaped you the most and why, then… THEN… you have to pick two to three events and write them out as stories.

Fuck.

My.

Life…

Because you know, of course, I had to write about mom, which meant feeling and reliving that all over again and I swear I’m going to trudge into my first class on March 7th looking like a battle-weary warrior dragging a tree worth of papers with me for how much I’m having to write and process through. Stupid book. I’m sure I’ll see you again in Hell if only to torment you on the same level in which you are tormenting my poor, battered brain.

I suppose I should pause for a moment to say, it’s honestly not THAT bad. It is a lot of inner mental and emotional work, but I feel it’s all positive work and that it is giving me a higher level of self-awareness. But this is supposed to be my week off… and yet I feel MORE drained becasue of all of these stupid reflection sections and super deep questions. I have six more chapters to get through. Six… At the moment, I feel like bashing my head against a concrete wall would be the kinder option. >.<;

In other news, I met with the LPN head yesterday, Monday. I got a lot of really good information and advice from her. The total cost of school, including books and fees, will be roughly $5k. Having a number is nice. Now I need to figure out the financial aspect of school. You know, the whole actually paying for it thing… which I’ll tackle at some point. I know it’s not going to be right now. Tomorrow doesn’t look too good either.

I need to get blood work done, which I have plans to do Thursday. My transcripts have already been sent to the school. The school has my application. I’ve written a “success plan” since it’s a requirement for the application. I sent that today along with my resume since that was another required thing. I need to talk to my FA about taking a CPR class since my certification expires in April. Lame.

I’m most likely going to be signing up for Anatomy and Physiology 1 for the coming spring term. That will set me up better for when/if I continue on to RN after this.

And at the moment I’m going to end here because I need to have a conversation with a very important and deeply missed someone; Mother Earth. : x