diary

Evening Reflection 022: Some Ducking Bullshit

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It’s been… rough.

That’s the socially acceptable answer I’ve been telling people when they ask how I’m doing.

“This is some bullshit,” is what I actively think while being socially acceptable.

And not just bullshit… no. Like grade A, first-class level buuuuullllllllshit.

I got laid off from my job. That happened on May 10th. That was after receiving an email Friday, May 6th saying that I was approved to be promoted to Advisor II.

Talk about a kick to the balls. I had exceeded expectations every month on my scorecard according to the metrics used. I was in the mentorship program. I had outstanding customer service reviews from the borrowers I helped. I had been promoted to Team Caption for my group. I was actively working on transitioning to Global Training to start utilizing all of the teaching/training skills I have…

But… with the covid forbearance, Nelnet can’t justify the workforce it hired up. I and 27 other people logged in to work on the 10th to a meeting scheduled for 3pm to “Discuss Opportunities”.

It wasn’t a discussion, though. Nope. Just a bunch of confused and relatively optimistic teammates being told effective immediately all 27 of us, including my brother and the mentor who taught me during my own training period, were all fired. No warning… Just… dropped. All of us…

Our dedication. Our care. Our exceeding expectations. Our recent promotions… None of it mattered.

In Nelnet’s defense, they did have another company come in and speak to us about a position we could apply for. It would be cold calling people to try to sell their software… you know… totally the same thing as taking inbound calls for borrowers who wanted help managing their student loans… Oh, and since we would be “such a good fit” for this other company we would have “higher priority” if we applied to join their team.

Not even a gareentee for employment; which, I found out, the other company highered literally NO ONE from this meeting.

I logged out of the meeting and cried as Ox held me.

“I don’t understand,” was the only thing I could say. I said it over and over again as the realization that I was now unemployed refused to make sense inside my head.

I had done everything right. I had played the corporate game and played it well.

But none of that mattered. I didn’t have a backup plan because I had felt safe in that I didn’t need to worry about employment. I was a great employee and teammate. I didn’t have any corrective action on my record. I was involved with the company. I was engaged and active in all the extra stuff…

Didn’t matter.

Once I was done with my “I don’t understand” phase, I shut down hardcore, entered into over-function mode, and packed up my equipment. It was pointless to leave the computers and such setup. I wasn’t going to be able to log into anything anymore. I was going to have to return everything at some point. Might as well pack it up now.

I went from “I don’t understand” to “get shit done” in less than 20 minutes. I threw out all of the notes I had taken during training and from the online courses I had been taking. I disassembled the binder I had been creating to store all of my mentorship papers and scorecards. Fuck it. What’s the point in keeping this crap? I no longer have a job.

I spent all of that night on Indeed applying to literally anything I felt halfway qualified for. Fuck it. If guys can apply to things they don’t have all of the qualifications for, then so can I. And actually… that’s not 100% true. I had all of the required shit and most of the “preferred” shit.

Not required? Cool. Applied.

That’s pretty much how the next week and a half went. Applying and arranging interviews, having interviews, crying while I was alone and working through the feelings of failure from losing my job, and spending my nights sleepless as I applied to more and more things as a way to avoid the potential nightmares I knew where waiting behind my eyelids.

I’ve had to work through feelings of shame, unworthiness, and failure. I’ve had to reexamine my definition of “successfully adulting”. I have had to grapple with the reality that just because I interview well and feel like I have rapport with my interviewers, doesn’t mean I’m entitled to a callback, not even to let me know I didn’t get the position.

All of this has sucked.

While going through all of the job searching BS, my brother landed a job almost making 26 an hour.

I congratulated him when I found out. I am super happy for him. I also asked if that meant he would be able to pay the $300 like we had agreed to when I took over the lease for the house. He said that if I landed a job and no longer needed his financial support, then no, he wasn’t going to pay it.

He was hurt that I would even bring it up.

He’s making $10 more an hour than he was at Nelnet, and he’s going to not pay me like he agreed.

I’m hurt. I’m angry. And at this point, I don’t give a fuck what he does as long as he keeps his shit to himself and leaves me alone. I’m tired of him crying and saying how he “feels unloved”. I’m tired of trying to hug a catus and being worse off for it. He can figure his own shit out, just like I am having to figure mine out; without his help or support because how dare I think he would keep his word to me.

Anywho, I have accepted a job.

It’s not the one society is going to think I should accept. It’s not as a receptionist, which I’m more than qualified to do, and interviewed for, multiple times with offers. It’s nothing medical. It’s not something with the University of Nebraska, which I also interviewed with…

Nope. I accepted a position as an Auto Glass Technician and I, again, don’t give a fuck. The owner was super down to earth with me.

Him: We don’t get a lot of women applying for this job.

Me: I’m sure you don’t.

I want out of corporate. I want away from business casual bullshit and kissing ass and being punished for not doing it. I want out of the game because I’m tired of playing it and having it rigged for me to fail.

Fuck it. I’m going to go learn a trade, go to work, do my job, then go home and spend time with the cats and Ox.

Society: But it’s a step backward. You can do so much more. You’re better than that…

Fuck off and let me live my fucked up life, alright? Just… fuck off, with your judgements and standards and expectations. Live your own fucking perfect life and let me live my own battered and bruised one that’s nothing like what it was supposed to be when I was told to “envision my life” while I was still in fucking high school.

I’m angry. Still. I’m hurt, still. I don’t feel secure in “having a job” because I had one and then out of nowhere, BAM! No income, no preparation for joblessness, btw enjoy paying your rent lowly serf.

Yeah… must be nice being in higher management, not living paycheck to paycheck while the people doing good work get fucked.

Funny part to this whole story… Nelnet actually called me back Monday apologizing and asking me to come back…

Socially Acceptable Me: I have already accepted another position.

Rage-Filled me: No. Fuck you very much.

And if you’ve never heard Fuck You by Lilly Allen, here you go. You’re welcome.

Back to Nelnet asking me to come back… What? I’m going to come back so I can have a panic attack every day for eight hours wondering if THIS is the day I get laid off again?

Fuck that. I don’t buy into your core values anymore. I don’t buy into you “caring” about your employees. I was dropped so fucking fast I didn’t even know how to process it. I’m not going to come back. I CAN’T come back. I don’t trust you. To the point where I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust ANY employer again. At least I know I won’t for a really, really long time.

You TOTALLY fucked up my sense of self-worth.

Why, WHY would anyone go back after how you handled the situation? How could you have had the audacity to call me and think that saying sorry was going to be enough to fix all of the damage and fall out and uncertainty I was left alone to deal with over the past two weeks?

Go fuck yourself.

So yeah… I’m tentatively employed. I’m waiting to sign the papers to make it official. I’m terrified because he was supposed to call today, it’s 4pm and I haven’t heard anything. I fucking hate all of this. I’ve turned down other positions that pay more because he said I was highered and we would get the paperwork squared away.

I want to believe him. I truly do. We talked for an hour and a half in person. That’s not counting the time on the phone we were discussing things. I’ve lifted a windshield with them. I truly do think he is a man of his word who’s busy.

It’s so fucking hard to breath through the fear of being wrong, again. Of having said no to other things, to have fucked up other opportunities because I trusted.

Trust…

You know… this is where trust issues come from. From believing things, people, words, and then finding out you’re wrong and that wrongness fucking with your ability to survive.

“Trust issues” is really “self-preservation”. It depends on what side of the situation you’re on.

I don’t want to trust the Universe right now. But I really don’t have a choice. I’m in this story. I’m in this reality. The only thing I can do is keep breathing and course-correcting as I get new information.

I want to know where I’m going. I want to know where I belong. I want to know HOW everything will be ok. Not just blind faithing the crap out of “Everything WILL be ok.”

No mother-fucker. I want to know HOW. You owe me that much, Universe. And I know you don’t and I know you’re not going to give me answers because that’s not how any of this works. But you’re once again a mother-fucking son of a whore for this shit. I deserve to know HOW you intend for me to be ok. You want me to trust you with all your mystical bullshit of everything working out how it’s supposed to… How does being unemployed fucking help me? How does fucking with my sense of security HELP ME?!

I again, don’t have answers to anything. I’m just holding on, clinging, to something called “faith” and hoping that I don’t drown in the process. Holding my shit together is now a full-time, unpaid job. Fucking thanks for that. I’m my own charity case.

I hate it. I fucking hate it. Once I’m on the other side of this hard, I’ll appreciate the process and see how it helped me grow and all the lessons I learned and all that personal inner growth bullshit.

But right now, in this moment, I fucking hate the process. To my core, in my bones, fucking haaaaate it.

Evening Reflection 021: Work Work

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Daily Summary: 
Yesterday feels like it was a waste. I did dishes before work. I didn’t go to the gym. I woke up tired. Didn’t help that I didn’t sleep well and it was cold and rainy and miserable. 

Super didn’t help that I was still feeling the financial pressure of my situation. 

I stayed at the rental not doing a whole lot. 

Logged into work. Didn’t to a whole lot there until later in the day. I have a lot of “On Demand” courses saved in their online training platform. Started working through a few of those. 

Ox came over after work. He gamed for a bit before taking a nap. Had his DnD session here which was mildly frustrating. 

I was still trying to do some of my coursework. I could hear him chatting with the group. It was hard to focus on what I was trying to do. 

Work ended. I tried going to sleep. I couldn’t. I got up and started looking at Indeed for part-time jobs I might be able to do on the side to bring in extra money.

Ox and I talked this morning. He’s not ok with the things I mentioned. They would cut into our already limited time. He’s offered to help financially. The thought makes me want to cry. I want to be in a spot in life where I can afford my life. I wish I hadn’t over-extended myself on the promise of someone else holding up their end of the agreement. 

If I do accept Ox’s help, each time he helps the amount will get added to his Excel sheet for what I owe him back. I dislike this. I dislike all of it and I know it’s at least one of the factors feeding into my not ok-ness right now. 

I have counseling tomorrow. I really don’t feel like talking about anything. 

I’m in a mood and I haven’t figured out how to get out of it yet. 


Random Ramblings: Prompt 9-31
Think about the third biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

This is the one role where I feel ok. Like, legit ok and not an “I guess I accept where I’m at in life” type of ok.

I am a worker. A teammate. I excel at work because work is easy. You do what you’re told when you are told to do it and somehow that makes you an amazing employee. It’s sort of sad that doing the bare minimum at your job makes you stand out, let alone going above and beyond. 

My vision for work is to move up the ranks of advisor and then become a trainer. From there I would move into the Training and Development team where I could coach and mentor others. 

That is my goal. It’s not just a vision. It’s what I’m actively working on. That’s what leadership is helping me move towards. 

I was accepted as Team Captain last Friday. 

I want to help others overcome their fears and self-doubt to be amazingly awesome people. It’s what I loved about teaching so much. It’s what I loved about patient education. I love helping people be better, more whole. Maybe that’s my restoration strength shining through. 

By being higher than an entry-level 1 advisor, ideally, I would be making enough to pay off my debt and actually save money for an emergency fund and retirement (lawl, what’s that?). 

Moving up through the ranks and shifting my area of focus to an area more in line with my natural interests feels nice. I don’t want to be a supervisor or a team lead or any sort of management position. I don’t want to be in charge of people. I want to help people. 

That’s where I’ll end up. It’s just a matter of time and effort. For me it’s not a vision; it will be my reality.

I wish the rest of my roles felt this confident and secure. I wish work wasn’t the only thing I felt like I was good at. 

Evening Reflection 020: Isolating vs Connecting

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Daily Summary: 

Last night wasn’t awesome. I read my writing to Ox. I was already emotionally raw before I did. I was feeling vulnerable for sharing my “ideal” which I knew didn’t 100% line up with his or Bunny’s “ideal”. 

I felt shame and guilt over wanting something different. I felt trapped in a future that would have constant interaction with people and no solitude and a disastrous kitchen and all these horrific things that as an introvert I didn’t want. 

I don’t cohabitate with others well. I know I don’t. I’ve had almost 15 years’ worth of roommates to attest to not liking shared living environments and the fallout that goes along with it ending badly. 

Looking back at last night, I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t an awful person for wanting things that were different from other people. I wanted to know that the terrible extroverted future I was seeing for myself was fear and inaccurate. 

Instead, I got, “We don’t know what the future will be like.”

That’s fair. It’s an accurate statement. It left me feeling alienated with a nebulous, “The awfulness you’re picturing could happen,” bouncing around inside my head.

I couldn’t sleep for a really long time. I had a cry session while Ox slept next to me. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the night. When Ox woke up to use the restroom he woke me up to give me a hug.

“You’re allowed to come back to the room.”

I don’t know why those words were the words I didn’t know I needed to hear, but it felt like even though I was up in my feels that I had permission to be next to him. Even if my wants were different, things were still ok. 

After that midnight wake up, things were better. I slept deeply after curling up in bed with Ox and the kittens. I didn’t dream about dead bodies and ruined lives. 

Ox and I slept in a little this morning. We were tired from cleaning and working in the addition the day before. We waited until after breakfast to get back to work. We finished putting up the joists in what will become the living area upstairs. We’re saving the insulation work for next weekend when the kids are here. There’s some work that will require the electric stapler which is something the kids might get a kick out of using. They both want to help and to be part of the project. Finding things that are within their ability at the moment is tricky, but this is one of the things they could help with, so we thought it better to call it good for now and wait on the rest of it. 

Ox and I showered after we were doing working. We packed up our things and the kittens and headed back to the rental. I convinced him to swing by a few Pokestops so I could complete one of my tasks in Pokemon Go. Totally not obsessing over the game… >.>;

I paid bills once I got the kittens situated and some other chores done. That sucked. With my brother’s contribution still up in the air, I feel the stress of financial insecurity pressing in around me.

I ended up talking with my dad for a while. The topic came up and I explained how moving with Jon went, about his previous lapse in paying rent, and now the current stress of him backing out of the agreement we had which would leave me screwed.

I’m already looking into things as back. I told my dad I feel like this is the lesson I’m supposed to learn in life; to keep boundaries around finances because no matter who it is, family, partner, friend, they’re going to screw you over. 

It sucks. So much of my life has been trying to figure out life after helping people financially only to be worse off for helping. It’s frustrating to be in this situation because I thought it would be different since Jon is my brother. But here I am, trying to deal with/cope with financial uncertainty because I wanted to help him get a house. 

And yet… he feels unloved and unsupported. 

I was supposed to see him today. He has my ladder which I need to finish painting the detail work in the bathroom. I let him borrow it so he would do work around the house only to be told that it wasn’t tall enough. So I’ve gone without my ladder for over a week now because gas is expensive and it’s too much to bring it back. 

That’s fair. I made plans to go out to his place today. I could load up the last bits of their stuff still lingering around the rental since they still haven’t come to get it. I could get my ladder in the process and knock out social time, too. All of the productiveness in one trip. 

When I messaged him, he didn’t reply. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. 

I’m not driving out of my way without communication. I don’t want to go there for them to not be home because their out shopping for stuff for the garden or something. I don’t have money to waste on gas either, especially when I’m most likely not going to have the support I was depending on when I signed the lease for this house. 

So instead I talked to my dad. It was a good phone call. I think he wasn’t getting the full picture, which isn’t surprising because that’s human nature. We tell the details that are “relevant”. Tell my dad my side of the story changes the situation he was being told. He’s not going to say anything to my brother which I appreciate. I don’t need more drama in that area of my life. I would rather just let Jon do his thing, since that’s what he’s going to do anyway, and figure it out. 

It was a little bit after I got off the phone with my dad that Jon called me. Ox and I were about to run to the store. Jon said he wasn’t going to be going to the birthday party he was originally going to go to. It’s why I had wanted to go to his place earlier in the day. I knew he had plans and was trying to be respectful about them.

That was around 2 in the afternoon. At 5 pm, I really don’t want to drive 30 minutes to hang out with someone I don’t want to see, to drive 30 minutes back to fall into bed so I can get attempt to get a decent amount of sleep before my kickboxing class. 

So I told Jon it wouldn’t work out for me to come this weekend. Could we see about next weekend? 

“I’m too tired to care atm. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Sort of a shitty text to get. I’m not going to waste emotional energy on it. I’m tired of feeling like it’s his world and I’m just a minion in it, obligated to be at his beck and call. 

Fuck that. I will enjoy the rest of my evening. I’ll do my writing. I’ll have dinner with Ox. I’ll spend time with the kittens. I’ll game for a bit and rest before having an awesome class tomorrow. I’ll be mentally ready for work. I’ll get the rest of my chores done. I’ll do all of these things because I didn’t go out of my way to make your life easier like I’ve been doing for so long. 

Instead, I’m going to make my life easier. For once, deal with your own shit and keep your petty comments to yourself. I’m tired of trying to hug a cactus. 

So that’s where I’m at. Intentionally not hugging a cactus and instead, I’m taking a break from gaming to write. It’s a nice evening and I’m not going to let someone else’s real or imagined emotional “not-okness” mess with mine. 

Why does family have to suck sometimes? >.<;


Random Ramblings: Prompt 8-31

Think about the second biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

The irony of this being the next prompt is not lost on me. 

My second biggest role is family member… and on look… one of my family member dynamics is on fire. Fml…

I feel like family is supposed to be the people you turn to when you need help. Not exactly financial help, though mom did that for all of us at one point or another. 

Family is supposed to be there to help you when you fall. Maybe it’s a shitty relationship ending, or work going to shit. Maybe it’s just needing to bitch about something to get it off your chest.

I don’t know. I think about the type of support mom was for me and I feel that’s the type of support family should be for each other. You stay connected. You talk. You visit. You laugh and cry and worry and figure things out. You have connective lunches or cups of morning coffee together. 

I want to be that for my family and I am extremely aware that I am not.

I am out of touch with my cousin. Until today I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while. I hardly ever talk to my older brother and sister-in-law. I am not a figure in my nephew’s life. I wish I wasn’t a figure in my younger brother’s life. I haven’t talked to either of my uncles since my mom’s death…

How can I say I’m a family member at all?

All of my effort has been going to my younger brother, to be told he feels unloved and unsupported while he keeps going back on his word…

In my ideal “family fantasy”, I talk to my dad, cousin, and older brother more. I’m most likely a terrible person, but there are very few people I want to talk to in my family past that. I was never close to my uncles, I wasn’t very close to my dad’s family either. 

I want to focus on those three dynamics more and less on my brother. I want those people to know I care for them; that I truly love them. 

I want to visit my older brother. I want to hang out with my cousin like we did growing up. I want them to know I’m still here. 

Maybe this is all screwed up in my head right now because of the discord between me and Jon. 

I want to feel like I still have family even though mom is dead. I want to know I matter to them even if I don’t sacrifice my financial well-being to prove I love them. 

Maybe that’s what I need in this area. To reconnect with people who aren’t as toxic as my younger brother. 

Maybe I messed this section up. Maybe family member isn’t my second biggest role. If it isn’t, I don’t know what would be. I don’t know what else I am other than partner, family member, and worker. 

In my fantasy land, I am connected with my family because they love me for me, and I love them for them. It’s not from a sense of obligation or requirement. 

Much like my previous writing, I don’t know what I want from this one. I don’t know what I’ve found other than unease, vulnerability, and hurt; not just from my inaction within these dynamics but from the actions of my brother. 

These writings are supposed to help me find myself. Right now they are showing me my pain and that sucks. You can’t heal, grow past, or change something until you acknowledge what is actually going on. 

I’ve been isolating myself from the people I should connect with and connecting with the people I should be distancing myself from. 

That sucks. 

I’ll add it to the list of things to work on. 

Evening Reflections 019: Fantasy Land

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Written yesterday.
Posted today.

Daily Summary: 

I made it to the gym again yesterday. I’m happy to report that I wasn’t as sore when I work up this morning. After my first class, I spent some time stretching but didn’t do a lot for my quads. For three days after my quads reminded me of how I neglected them by being ridiculously sore. After class yesterday, I spent time stretching again but made sure to spend some time on my quads specifically. I think that is the biggest factor to being mostly alright today.

Since it was a dreary overcast day, I didn’t have a lot of faith in my motivation to get to the gym. Luckily, I had the discipline and inner guilt to get me at least out to my car. Everything after that was easy. I enjoyed the class and feel I did better than my first one. Hopefully, it’s all progress from here. 

Ox came over after work and we spent the day at the rental. A handful of my teammates and I installed Pokemon Go on our phones so we traded information and such. Other than that, it was a quiet day at work. I listened more to Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I did chores during my breaks. Since I was washing the bedding, we had to hang around a little bit after I clocked out of work so I could switch the final comforter to the dryer. Once that task was completed we packed up the kittens and came to the house.

We had discussed plans for the weekend. The goal was/is to spend the weekend here at the house working on the addition. Sunday night we’ll head back to the rental.

I slept deeply last night. I mildly remember having a dream. I remember there were dead bodies in it. I don’t remember the context. I do know I woke up feeling not ok. Grouchy. Irritable. Emotionally raw…

It was a rough start, but Ox and I got through it. We went to Goodwill to get myself some “work pants”. All I have are shorts or thin yoga pants and he didn’t want me doing construction-type work in “improper” clothing. 

I get it… also not going to drop a bunch of money on pants I’m to trash. I found a pair of decent pants for $7 and called it good. We spend most of the morning organizing and cleaning up the second floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked on the addition and various other projects have been completed in the space. 

We got the area back to a workable condition and even made progress on the rafters for the ductwork. We’re calling it a day for now with the agreement that we finish the rafters tomorrow. That’s our goal for the weekend. Since we won’t have to make impromptu trips into town for clothing tomorrow, we should be able to get it completed. 

I’m looking forward to it. It feels good to be working on something. Even better to be seeing progress for the effort. 

The cats are doing well. They settled in quicker than they did last weekend. 

I did have a message from my brother last night. That was frustrating since it regarded finances. I’m trying not to let him bother me. There are tentative plans for me to see him tomorrow. As petty as it might be, I wouldn’t be heartbroken not to see him for a while. I’m tired of hearing how he’s bought tons of new things for this garden only for him to turn around and say he can’t afford to pay me the amount he agreed to for taking over the lease for him and his partner. 

I’m tired of him telling me how he feels unloved and unsupported while he continually fucks with my financial stability. 

So yeah, I have some feelings to work through and I would rather do it in solitude rather than trying to make him feel better about making shitting choices because I’m not a priority in his life. At the very least, the agreements he has made with me are not a priority. I’m angry over it. Anger is hurt directed outward. I am again having to figure out how to make up for the financial shortcomings of someone else because they felt like other things were more important than keeping their word to me. 

Since I am in the process of living after having cheated on Ox, I guess I really don’t have a right to be angry about someone not keeping their word. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite on top of a cheater. 

Maybe that’s me being self-deprecating. Either way, all of this is food for thought. I’m frustrated with my brother and I’ll work through it.


Random Ramblings: Prompt 7-31
Think about the biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

My number one role was that of partner/companion. I don’t have a vision. At least I don’t think I do. All of that shattered in the aftermath of my honesty. I haven’t figured out a new future or what I would want from it. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure in this particular area of my life. 

But what the heck… I have time to type… let’s pretend for a little bit that in the future my life isn’t on fire, that I am not having to navigate through broken trust, and that I have a secure feeling of self-worth. 

What would I want in a future like that for/with my partners and companions? What would it look like if I were able to be fully myself without taking into account the wants and needs of others? 

My fantasy future dynamics. How would those look?

I would most likely still live alone, or at the very least have my own space. I like the security of separation. I like knowing there is a space, a place, where I can be alone, that can’t be taken away from me, endangered, or violated by others. 

Maybe an in-law suite off the main house… Something. Something away. Something separate. A “dragon den” instead of a man cave or she-shed. 

I would like to be with Ox as a life partner. I would like Bunny to be there, too. In the future I see, they are closer together. It’s not that there is a primary and secondary position. It’s that I want and need more solitude. I want to be alone, in my own space. 

In my future Bunny and Ox would be living together, so naturally, they would gravitate closer to each other. 

I don’t feel threatened by that. I feel like that would allow both of them to feel fulfilled in ways that I don’t think I can provide. I can’t and don’t want to always be there. They both need or at least make it seem like they want consistency in their companionship. If they had each other to turn to maybe it would be ok for me to be introverted the way I want. 

In Fantasy Future Land, I would be allowed to be polyamorous. If I went to visit Warren or Sir or Blacksmith. If I happened to cross paths with someone in my future and it felt right… I would be able to express and experience that connection fully without anyone feeling hurt. People would understand that having an experience with someone else in no way lessens or threatens the connection I have with them. 

There wouldn’t be shame or guilt associated with feeling or expressing love for the people I truly do love. I would be allowed to be whole in my sexuality. 

I would feel whole, accepted, and strong. I would feel secure in that I could be myself and still be loved. I would feel like I truly belonged with the people in my life because that love wouldn’t be centered around conditions placed out of fear and insecurity. 

A future like that feels warm, quiet, and peaceful. There’s no drama or strife or unworthiness in that future. There is understanding and acceptance. There’s space rather than confines and too-small spaces. 

In that future, I have acceptance, and maybe that’s what I want more than love. Maybe acceptance is love. Maybe belonging is love. 

I don’t know if that explains the “why” part of the prompt. I think it does. I want these things because I want to be myself and for that to be ok. I want to be myself and to be accepted. That’s my fantasy future. 

It feels out of reach. It feels unrealistic. It feels dumb and selfish. And all of that makes me want to cry. I’ll never be able to be myself is what it feels like. 

I’ll always fall short because I want too much space; too much alone time. I’ll always cause hurt to the people I am in relationships with because I will love others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or not. I can forgo expressing that love physically, and I have, for years, in multiple relationships. But I’m always left feeling like if I were honest and true to myself then I would be unworthy. The flip side is if I am true to myself then I make the people I care about most feel unworthy and hurt. 

It’s a fucking disaster and my restorative strength isn’t enough to figure it out. At least not yet. 

That’s the rose-tinted glasses of a future I would want though. I would want to be me and for that to be ok. 

Evening Reflections 018: My Roles

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday was alright. Made BLTs for lunch. Got some stuff done during work in regards to my mentorship. Gamed a bit. Had some good conversations with teammates. Not a whole lot happened. Spent most of the day chilling. Other than cooking, doing laundry was probably my biggest “life” accomplishment. 

I messaged back and forth with Sir a bit. It was good to hear from him. My Blacksmith and I have also been talking more. He had messaged me shortly after Ox’s email where he said he never wanted to see me again. My Blacksmith, Sir, and Warren were my biggest support structures during that period of time. All three of them helped me through the initial period of darkness and I am grateful for the conversations they were willing to have with me. 

So minor social time through text with Sir and Blacksmith.

Bunny called during my break and I got to video chat with her for a little bit. I know she wishes we could talk more. It’s hard to do while I’m at work and by the time I’m off it’s pretty late in the evening.  I’m hoping this weekend her and I can get more time to connect. I think it would be good for both of us. 

So that was my day yesterday. Not a whole lot. It was nice. No complaints. Here’s to another decent day.

Random Ramblings: Prompt 6-31
What are the three biggest roles that you play in your life, related to others? How do you feel about each one?

My three biggest roles would most likely be: Partner/companion, family member, and teammate. 

Partner/companion is in relation to the roles I fill in my closest and most important dynamics. I am a partner to Ox and Bunny. I am a companion to Sir, Warren, Blacksmith. I am ok with these roles for the most part. 

With my companion role, it is more about friendship. There is acceptance for who I am, fully. I don’t worry so much about expectations. There aren’t really obligations on either side. It’s a mutual support structure. I feel secure in my role, I understand and am ok with the boundaries. There’s an understanding that we each have our own lives and though our paths may not be in line for marriage or anything, we have worked through the yuck of breakups to maintain a unique friendship. 

The role of partner is… complicated. 

I still feel mildly undeserving. I still feel like in the future this transgression will be brought up and used as ammunition against me. I still worry even with all of the work Ox and I are putting into the dynamic, that my polyamory will never be fully accepted and I will have to spend the rest of my life either being untrue to myself, hurting myself in order to fit into a box small enough to be accepted, or fully be me and hurt those I care deeply about.

I worry being authentic will cause hurt. I worry that since Bunny and I haven’t had a lot of time together that there is resentment or hurt feelings between us that haven’t been addressed. 

I am much less secure in my role as partner. I worry about it. I worry about not being a good one. I worry that I shouldn’t be a partner anymore; that the recent addition to my relationship history makes me unfit for the role for the rest of forever. 

I worry that I really should just be the crazy cat lady and forgo relationships. 

That’s how I feel about that aspect of my life. I am working on it, but right now it is still tentative at best and something fragile. Vulnerable. Uncertain. 

Family member is a role I am ok with as well. I am a sister to my brothers and a daughter to my father. I will always be my mother’s daughter. The relationship with my younger brother is the only one that I have concerns over. He can be unkind at times. He can lash out specifically at me because I’m an easy target. I have learned to distance myself during those moments until his emotions have had their time and he and I can have legitimate discussion. 

This is the one family dynamic that has any sort of strife in it. I manage it the best I can and I understand the limitations of asking for/depending on his support. I am proud of the progress Jon and I have made since we were in high school. At the same time, my heart also aches over the viciousness we are still able to inflict upon each other. 

Overall I will say I am ok with my role as family member. I understand my place within that role for the various people I fill it for. I may wish some of those roles were different. I also understand I cannot change others. I can only change myself. 

The role of teammate is a role that I enjoy filling. I am supportive of my teammates at work. I engage with leadership and am proactive in my growth and development as an employee. Work has always come naturally to me. I understand “the game” and I’m good at playing it. I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do what I’m supposed to do when I’m supposed to do it. I show up on time. If I don’t understand something I ask. I would rather ask and look foolish than fuck something up trying to fake competence. 

Out of my top three roles, even though this one is listed last, it is the one I am most secure with. Part of me thinks that’s sort of sad. I have a more secure foundation with total strangers than I do with the people who are supposed to be closest to me. 

I know part of that is my own doing. At the same time, the issues that lead to my cheating were present for years. There are several deep-rooted issues on all sides. It’s going to take time to address those and heal the hurt from those in addition to the devastation of my actions. 

My #1 Clifton Strength is Restoration. I thrive on fixing things; especially things other people have given up on. 

I can see how to mend the relationships. I worry though. I worry it won’t work. I worry I’ll always have to be less than my full self. I worry I’ll always be misunderstood. 

I guess that’s the biggest thing undermining my sense of security in the “partner” area. I worry. I fear. And there’s really nothing anyone can do to change that. Those things are all inside my own head. They are my perspective, and so it falls to me to work through them. 

Morning Musing 018: 04.29.22

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Gratitude:
I am grateful for my body and not dying during workouts. 

#1 Goal:
Complete a minor grocery trip since I forgot to buy bread for Ox and run to the apartment office because they’re jerks and won’t let me pay the renter’s insurance fee online. 

#1 Concern:
Being ridiculously sore over the weekend and not getting a whole hell of a lot done.  

#1 Achievement:
Made it to the gym today. /flex

Evening Reflection 017: Criticism and Advice

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Daily Summary:
Yesterday did not go how I thought it was going to. The change in plans was a good thing and I am content with how yesterday went. 

It started with my morning call with Ox. Shortly after getting off the phone, I had a text message from a personal trainer at the gym I recently joined. During my sign-up, I talked extensively with the associate who was helping me about my combat sports history, how I would like to get back into the MMA side of things, and that in regards to personal training I would like someone who understood that aspect of my workout life. 

She had a few ideas regarding people she could reach out to. So that’s where the text message stemmed from. The trainer wanted to know the times/days I would be willing and able to meet. That led to going to the gym yesterday to have an impromptu meeting. 

Before leaving, I had been looking through the Facebook market for a computer desk for Ox. He and I had gone to a handful of stores looking for a decently priced desk for him. The idea is for him to bring his computer over so we can game together like we used to. Stores didn’t have a whole lot and what they did have was stupidly overpriced in our opinion. 

I was able to find a few desks that seemed promising. While I was dashing around the house, getting ready to leave for my “not scheduled” appointment, I sent messages to arrange in-person viewings of the desks. I let Ox know what I had found while I drove to the gym and we game planned to check one of them out together. Since I was going to be out and about, I figured I would, real quick, do some grocery shopping as well, because why would I have done that the previous night while we were already at Walmart? -_-;

The meeting went well. I think I will get along with the trainer once I start working with him. Currently, the idea is for me to spend roughly a month getting back into the habit of working out and focusing on gaining my stamina and endurance back. Next month I plan to do my “trial” month of the boot camp classes, which are a bit more intense than the regular group classes. Mid-July is when I get another installment for my retention bonus. I plan to use that bones to pay for the 3 months of personal training I want. Ideally, by then, I’ll be at a better spot healthwise and can fully leverage the sessions. 

It feels good having a road map for my improvement. 

I was super sore yesterday and didn’t think it would be good to try to do two classes back to back. My body needed a rest day, so aside from the consult, I didn’t do anything at the gym. 

Instead, I headed to the location to view one of the desks. Ox and I met at the seller’s house. Ox liked the desk so we bought it for 20 bucks. It’s a pretty nice desk. No need to always buy something new. 

We loaded up the desk in his Trax. He went to the house to get his computer stuff. I went to the grocery store to shop. 

We had talked on the phone about how grocery shopping could work. Ox wanted to have some specific things at the house for him. We’re also trying to keep finances separate for the most part. I have a Google Excel sheet listing the things I “owe” him for. 

We agreed that I could buy the whole list rather than waiting for a day where we could shop together or forgoing picking things up which would require Ox to go out himself. Instead, I bought everything and figured out what he owed out of what I paid. That’s going to count towards what I owe him rather than money passing back and forth all the time. 

I made it back to the rental with just enough time to put groceries away before logging into work. With the covid forbearance extended and the outbound dialing campaign completed at work, the past few days have been fairly quiet. No outbound calls. Only inbound. 

It’s allowed me time to do personal things during the downtime. Listening to audiobooks, doing more with my Clifton Strengths… installing and playing World of Warcraft: Classic Burning Crusade… 

Yeah…

That’s what Ox and I did yesterday. We both have characters and we are leveling them together. It was fun and connective. 

We went to sleep once I was done with work. Last night was another night of sleeping deeply. I woke up feeling rested though still more sore than I would like. I didn’t go to the class at the gym at 8:30. With yesterday being as busy as it was before work, I really would like a day to relax and not deal with people; gym bunnies included. 

So that’s what I’m going to attempt to let today be. Nice, quiet day at home, not going anywhere. Maybe Ox and I will go for a walk once he’s off work, but ideally nothing hardcore. The past few days have been busy and extremely productive. I would like a day to chill and regroup. 

Random Ramblings: Prompt 4-31
List the pros and cons of caring what others think about you.

Fuck…

I am not prepared for this prompt. At least I feel like I’m not. I feel like I need to Google “pros and cons” for this prompt because I don’t know… This is delving into stuff I haven’t truly, consciously, put thought into and I have a feeling there’s going to be stuff I trip into that isn’t going to feel super awesome… >.<;

Fml…

-sigh-

Well…

If I didn’t care about what other people thought, I wouldn’t push myself as hard as I do. Victory wouldn’t matter as much. I would most likely give up easier; quicker. It’s not so much I want to impress anyone. It’s more that I want to make the people within my inner circle proud. I want to prove to myself that I can do the things I think I can’t because I know it’s all inside my head. I want to prove to “them” that their faith in me and their support are not wasted efforts. 

The opinion of my circle is where I find validation, connectedness, and belonging I suppose. Maybe its an external validation of my sense of honor and worth. It’s not just shit inside my head that I’m thinking to make myself feel good. Other people hold the same opinion that, yes, I handled something well, or I did the right thing. 

My opinion is consistent with their perspective, so my opinion has merit.

I don’t often care about the opinions of people outside my circle. In regards to my biggest critic… caring about the negative crap I tell myself makes me question my self-worth. With my biggest critic, it’s not so much that my actions are wrong, it’s that I as a person am wrong.

I am worthless. I am a failure. I am a mistake.

My inner critic instills feelings of shame and beats me until I am on the ground. My inner critic lowers me rather than raises me. Those opinions and thoughts become mental and emotional obstacles that make a hard task even harder. It’s not so much that my critic lowers the bar… It’s that it crushes me with the bar, loading it with so much weight that it feels impossible to lift. 

Caring about the opinion of my inner circle can be a negative thing, too… it can make me fear failure. What will they think if I mess up? If I don’t win or succeed? Will they think less of me? Will they sneer or mock or tell me all the ways I could/should have done something better or differently? What if they are able to complete something easier than I am able to do it? What if I struggle while for them it is effortless?

Very rarely has anyone in my inner circle made me feel like crap. Honestly, the only person I can think of who is still in my inner circle who does this is my younger brother. He is on his own journey regarding personal growth and intrapersonal communication. Just because your family doesn’t mean you do not have toxic traits…

I take John’s opinion with a grain of salt most of the time, especially when I feel like my character is being attacked by him. Most of the time it is misplaced anger. It doesn’t make the feelings “easier” to deal with, but it helps prevent me from internalizing his comments and allowing them to foster feelings of shame or worthlessness within myself. 

So, all of these fears I have regarding the perceived negative opinion of my inner circle are really just normal social fears and anxieties. There’s nothing to validate these fears. No previous behavioral action to support, yep, they’re going to think you’re a piece of shit if you fuck up…

We all fear rejection from the group. We fear not belonging. Those are normal fears. I try not to let them hold me back. I try to not let outside standards trump the standards I have for myself, nor push me further than what I am capable of. 

These have been hard lessons that I’ve learned throughout the course of my life. It’s ok to say no to things. I have the right to say no. I have the right to do things differently than someone else would because this is my life and they can make the choices they want to make with their own. 

I can understand and value the thoughts and perspectives of others. I can even consider them when evaluating my life, but ultimately it is my life and my opinion and choice are the things that matter most.

So why do I consider positive things as opinions and negative things as truth?

It reminds me of a meme… why do you take criticism from people you would never take advice from?

Would I take advice from my inner critic? Fuck no. 

So why am I taking her criticism? Why am I allowing her words to replace my truths? 

That’s something to think further on. 

Ultimately, I do think there are inherently pros to knowing and caring about the opinions of others. Their perspectives matter and can help provide clarity. They can even be positively motivating by providing emotional or mental support through challenges. 

At the same time, caring solely about the opinions of others can invalidate my own thoughts and feelings. It can turn into an emotionally or mentally abusive situation depending on what is being said and internalized. It can prevent me from being my full self or striving to reach for things due to the fear of failure and ridicule. 

I think there is a balance. I do think making sure you are surrounded by healthy, supportive people and not by asshats is an important factor regarding how much care to give outside perspective. 

Rising Strong is actually helping me understand that. Is this person in the arena with me? If they aren’t, if they are standing on the sidelines with a bag of popcorn while I struggle, how much should I really care about their opinion? 

Morning Musing 017: 04.28.22

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Gratitude:
I am grateful for good days and the opportunity to learn and grow from not-so-good days.

#1 Goal:
Relax

#1 Concern:
Falling mildly back into gaming addiction. 

#1 Achievement:
Grocery shopping and figuring out financially what I owe Ox for the handful of times he’s paid for things recently. Also going to a consultation with a personal trainer at my gym so I have a game plan through July.