Daily Summary: 

Last night wasn’t awesome. I read my writing to Ox. I was already emotionally raw before I did. I was feeling vulnerable for sharing my “ideal” which I knew didn’t 100% line up with his or Bunny’s “ideal”. 

I felt shame and guilt over wanting something different. I felt trapped in a future that would have constant interaction with people and no solitude and a disastrous kitchen and all these horrific things that as an introvert I didn’t want. 

I don’t cohabitate with others well. I know I don’t. I’ve had almost 15 years’ worth of roommates to attest to not liking shared living environments and the fallout that goes along with it ending badly. 

Looking back at last night, I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t an awful person for wanting things that were different from other people. I wanted to know that the terrible extroverted future I was seeing for myself was fear and inaccurate. 

Instead, I got, “We don’t know what the future will be like.”

That’s fair. It’s an accurate statement. It left me feeling alienated with a nebulous, “The awfulness you’re picturing could happen,” bouncing around inside my head.

I couldn’t sleep for a really long time. I had a cry session while Ox slept next to me. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the night. When Ox woke up to use the restroom he woke me up to give me a hug.

“You’re allowed to come back to the room.”

I don’t know why those words were the words I didn’t know I needed to hear, but it felt like even though I was up in my feels that I had permission to be next to him. Even if my wants were different, things were still ok. 

After that midnight wake up, things were better. I slept deeply after curling up in bed with Ox and the kittens. I didn’t dream about dead bodies and ruined lives. 

Ox and I slept in a little this morning. We were tired from cleaning and working in the addition the day before. We waited until after breakfast to get back to work. We finished putting up the joists in what will become the living area upstairs. We’re saving the insulation work for next weekend when the kids are here. There’s some work that will require the electric stapler which is something the kids might get a kick out of using. They both want to help and to be part of the project. Finding things that are within their ability at the moment is tricky, but this is one of the things they could help with, so we thought it better to call it good for now and wait on the rest of it. 

Ox and I showered after we were doing working. We packed up our things and the kittens and headed back to the rental. I convinced him to swing by a few Pokestops so I could complete one of my tasks in Pokemon Go. Totally not obsessing over the game… >.>;

I paid bills once I got the kittens situated and some other chores done. That sucked. With my brother’s contribution still up in the air, I feel the stress of financial insecurity pressing in around me.

I ended up talking with my dad for a while. The topic came up and I explained how moving with Jon went, about his previous lapse in paying rent, and now the current stress of him backing out of the agreement we had which would leave me screwed.

I’m already looking into things as back. I told my dad I feel like this is the lesson I’m supposed to learn in life; to keep boundaries around finances because no matter who it is, family, partner, friend, they’re going to screw you over. 

It sucks. So much of my life has been trying to figure out life after helping people financially only to be worse off for helping. It’s frustrating to be in this situation because I thought it would be different since Jon is my brother. But here I am, trying to deal with/cope with financial uncertainty because I wanted to help him get a house. 

And yet… he feels unloved and unsupported. 

I was supposed to see him today. He has my ladder which I need to finish painting the detail work in the bathroom. I let him borrow it so he would do work around the house only to be told that it wasn’t tall enough. So I’ve gone without my ladder for over a week now because gas is expensive and it’s too much to bring it back. 

That’s fair. I made plans to go out to his place today. I could load up the last bits of their stuff still lingering around the rental since they still haven’t come to get it. I could get my ladder in the process and knock out social time, too. All of the productiveness in one trip. 

When I messaged him, he didn’t reply. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. 

I’m not driving out of my way without communication. I don’t want to go there for them to not be home because their out shopping for stuff for the garden or something. I don’t have money to waste on gas either, especially when I’m most likely not going to have the support I was depending on when I signed the lease for this house. 

So instead I talked to my dad. It was a good phone call. I think he wasn’t getting the full picture, which isn’t surprising because that’s human nature. We tell the details that are “relevant”. Tell my dad my side of the story changes the situation he was being told. He’s not going to say anything to my brother which I appreciate. I don’t need more drama in that area of my life. I would rather just let Jon do his thing, since that’s what he’s going to do anyway, and figure it out. 

It was a little bit after I got off the phone with my dad that Jon called me. Ox and I were about to run to the store. Jon said he wasn’t going to be going to the birthday party he was originally going to go to. It’s why I had wanted to go to his place earlier in the day. I knew he had plans and was trying to be respectful about them.

That was around 2 in the afternoon. At 5 pm, I really don’t want to drive 30 minutes to hang out with someone I don’t want to see, to drive 30 minutes back to fall into bed so I can get attempt to get a decent amount of sleep before my kickboxing class. 

So I told Jon it wouldn’t work out for me to come this weekend. Could we see about next weekend? 

“I’m too tired to care atm. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Sort of a shitty text to get. I’m not going to waste emotional energy on it. I’m tired of feeling like it’s his world and I’m just a minion in it, obligated to be at his beck and call. 

Fuck that. I will enjoy the rest of my evening. I’ll do my writing. I’ll have dinner with Ox. I’ll spend time with the kittens. I’ll game for a bit and rest before having an awesome class tomorrow. I’ll be mentally ready for work. I’ll get the rest of my chores done. I’ll do all of these things because I didn’t go out of my way to make your life easier like I’ve been doing for so long. 

Instead, I’m going to make my life easier. For once, deal with your own shit and keep your petty comments to yourself. I’m tired of trying to hug a cactus. 

So that’s where I’m at. Intentionally not hugging a cactus and instead, I’m taking a break from gaming to write. It’s a nice evening and I’m not going to let someone else’s real or imagined emotional “not-okness” mess with mine. 

Why does family have to suck sometimes? >.<;


Random Ramblings: Prompt 8-31

Think about the second biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

The irony of this being the next prompt is not lost on me. 

My second biggest role is family member… and on look… one of my family member dynamics is on fire. Fml…

I feel like family is supposed to be the people you turn to when you need help. Not exactly financial help, though mom did that for all of us at one point or another. 

Family is supposed to be there to help you when you fall. Maybe it’s a shitty relationship ending, or work going to shit. Maybe it’s just needing to bitch about something to get it off your chest.

I don’t know. I think about the type of support mom was for me and I feel that’s the type of support family should be for each other. You stay connected. You talk. You visit. You laugh and cry and worry and figure things out. You have connective lunches or cups of morning coffee together. 

I want to be that for my family and I am extremely aware that I am not.

I am out of touch with my cousin. Until today I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while. I hardly ever talk to my older brother and sister-in-law. I am not a figure in my nephew’s life. I wish I wasn’t a figure in my younger brother’s life. I haven’t talked to either of my uncles since my mom’s death…

How can I say I’m a family member at all?

All of my effort has been going to my younger brother, to be told he feels unloved and unsupported while he keeps going back on his word…

In my ideal “family fantasy”, I talk to my dad, cousin, and older brother more. I’m most likely a terrible person, but there are very few people I want to talk to in my family past that. I was never close to my uncles, I wasn’t very close to my dad’s family either. 

I want to focus on those three dynamics more and less on my brother. I want those people to know I care for them; that I truly love them. 

I want to visit my older brother. I want to hang out with my cousin like we did growing up. I want them to know I’m still here. 

Maybe this is all screwed up in my head right now because of the discord between me and Jon. 

I want to feel like I still have family even though mom is dead. I want to know I matter to them even if I don’t sacrifice my financial well-being to prove I love them. 

Maybe that’s what I need in this area. To reconnect with people who aren’t as toxic as my younger brother. 

Maybe I messed this section up. Maybe family member isn’t my second biggest role. If it isn’t, I don’t know what would be. I don’t know what else I am other than partner, family member, and worker. 

In my fantasy land, I am connected with my family because they love me for me, and I love them for them. It’s not from a sense of obligation or requirement. 

Much like my previous writing, I don’t know what I want from this one. I don’t know what I’ve found other than unease, vulnerability, and hurt; not just from my inaction within these dynamics but from the actions of my brother. 

These writings are supposed to help me find myself. Right now they are showing me my pain and that sucks. You can’t heal, grow past, or change something until you acknowledge what is actually going on. 

I’ve been isolating myself from the people I should connect with and connecting with the people I should be distancing myself from. 

That sucks. 

I’ll add it to the list of things to work on.