Daily Summary:
Yesterday did not go how I thought it was going to. The change in plans was a good thing and I am content with how yesterday went. 

It started with my morning call with Ox. Shortly after getting off the phone, I had a text message from a personal trainer at the gym I recently joined. During my sign-up, I talked extensively with the associate who was helping me about my combat sports history, how I would like to get back into the MMA side of things, and that in regards to personal training I would like someone who understood that aspect of my workout life. 

She had a few ideas regarding people she could reach out to. So that’s where the text message stemmed from. The trainer wanted to know the times/days I would be willing and able to meet. That led to going to the gym yesterday to have an impromptu meeting. 

Before leaving, I had been looking through the Facebook market for a computer desk for Ox. He and I had gone to a handful of stores looking for a decently priced desk for him. The idea is for him to bring his computer over so we can game together like we used to. Stores didn’t have a whole lot and what they did have was stupidly overpriced in our opinion. 

I was able to find a few desks that seemed promising. While I was dashing around the house, getting ready to leave for my “not scheduled” appointment, I sent messages to arrange in-person viewings of the desks. I let Ox know what I had found while I drove to the gym and we game planned to check one of them out together. Since I was going to be out and about, I figured I would, real quick, do some grocery shopping as well, because why would I have done that the previous night while we were already at Walmart? -_-;

The meeting went well. I think I will get along with the trainer once I start working with him. Currently, the idea is for me to spend roughly a month getting back into the habit of working out and focusing on gaining my stamina and endurance back. Next month I plan to do my “trial” month of the boot camp classes, which are a bit more intense than the regular group classes. Mid-July is when I get another installment for my retention bonus. I plan to use that bones to pay for the 3 months of personal training I want. Ideally, by then, I’ll be at a better spot healthwise and can fully leverage the sessions. 

It feels good having a road map for my improvement. 

I was super sore yesterday and didn’t think it would be good to try to do two classes back to back. My body needed a rest day, so aside from the consult, I didn’t do anything at the gym. 

Instead, I headed to the location to view one of the desks. Ox and I met at the seller’s house. Ox liked the desk so we bought it for 20 bucks. It’s a pretty nice desk. No need to always buy something new. 

We loaded up the desk in his Trax. He went to the house to get his computer stuff. I went to the grocery store to shop. 

We had talked on the phone about how grocery shopping could work. Ox wanted to have some specific things at the house for him. We’re also trying to keep finances separate for the most part. I have a Google Excel sheet listing the things I “owe” him for. 

We agreed that I could buy the whole list rather than waiting for a day where we could shop together or forgoing picking things up which would require Ox to go out himself. Instead, I bought everything and figured out what he owed out of what I paid. That’s going to count towards what I owe him rather than money passing back and forth all the time. 

I made it back to the rental with just enough time to put groceries away before logging into work. With the covid forbearance extended and the outbound dialing campaign completed at work, the past few days have been fairly quiet. No outbound calls. Only inbound. 

It’s allowed me time to do personal things during the downtime. Listening to audiobooks, doing more with my Clifton Strengths… installing and playing World of Warcraft: Classic Burning Crusade… 

Yeah…

That’s what Ox and I did yesterday. We both have characters and we are leveling them together. It was fun and connective. 

We went to sleep once I was done with work. Last night was another night of sleeping deeply. I woke up feeling rested though still more sore than I would like. I didn’t go to the class at the gym at 8:30. With yesterday being as busy as it was before work, I really would like a day to relax and not deal with people; gym bunnies included. 

So that’s what I’m going to attempt to let today be. Nice, quiet day at home, not going anywhere. Maybe Ox and I will go for a walk once he’s off work, but ideally nothing hardcore. The past few days have been busy and extremely productive. I would like a day to chill and regroup. 

Random Ramblings: Prompt 4-31
List the pros and cons of caring what others think about you.

Fuck…

I am not prepared for this prompt. At least I feel like I’m not. I feel like I need to Google “pros and cons” for this prompt because I don’t know… This is delving into stuff I haven’t truly, consciously, put thought into and I have a feeling there’s going to be stuff I trip into that isn’t going to feel super awesome… >.<;

Fml…

-sigh-

Well…

If I didn’t care about what other people thought, I wouldn’t push myself as hard as I do. Victory wouldn’t matter as much. I would most likely give up easier; quicker. It’s not so much I want to impress anyone. It’s more that I want to make the people within my inner circle proud. I want to prove to myself that I can do the things I think I can’t because I know it’s all inside my head. I want to prove to “them” that their faith in me and their support are not wasted efforts. 

The opinion of my circle is where I find validation, connectedness, and belonging I suppose. Maybe its an external validation of my sense of honor and worth. It’s not just shit inside my head that I’m thinking to make myself feel good. Other people hold the same opinion that, yes, I handled something well, or I did the right thing. 

My opinion is consistent with their perspective, so my opinion has merit.

I don’t often care about the opinions of people outside my circle. In regards to my biggest critic… caring about the negative crap I tell myself makes me question my self-worth. With my biggest critic, it’s not so much that my actions are wrong, it’s that I as a person am wrong.

I am worthless. I am a failure. I am a mistake.

My inner critic instills feelings of shame and beats me until I am on the ground. My inner critic lowers me rather than raises me. Those opinions and thoughts become mental and emotional obstacles that make a hard task even harder. It’s not so much that my critic lowers the bar… It’s that it crushes me with the bar, loading it with so much weight that it feels impossible to lift. 

Caring about the opinion of my inner circle can be a negative thing, too… it can make me fear failure. What will they think if I mess up? If I don’t win or succeed? Will they think less of me? Will they sneer or mock or tell me all the ways I could/should have done something better or differently? What if they are able to complete something easier than I am able to do it? What if I struggle while for them it is effortless?

Very rarely has anyone in my inner circle made me feel like crap. Honestly, the only person I can think of who is still in my inner circle who does this is my younger brother. He is on his own journey regarding personal growth and intrapersonal communication. Just because your family doesn’t mean you do not have toxic traits…

I take John’s opinion with a grain of salt most of the time, especially when I feel like my character is being attacked by him. Most of the time it is misplaced anger. It doesn’t make the feelings “easier” to deal with, but it helps prevent me from internalizing his comments and allowing them to foster feelings of shame or worthlessness within myself. 

So, all of these fears I have regarding the perceived negative opinion of my inner circle are really just normal social fears and anxieties. There’s nothing to validate these fears. No previous behavioral action to support, yep, they’re going to think you’re a piece of shit if you fuck up…

We all fear rejection from the group. We fear not belonging. Those are normal fears. I try not to let them hold me back. I try to not let outside standards trump the standards I have for myself, nor push me further than what I am capable of. 

These have been hard lessons that I’ve learned throughout the course of my life. It’s ok to say no to things. I have the right to say no. I have the right to do things differently than someone else would because this is my life and they can make the choices they want to make with their own. 

I can understand and value the thoughts and perspectives of others. I can even consider them when evaluating my life, but ultimately it is my life and my opinion and choice are the things that matter most.

So why do I consider positive things as opinions and negative things as truth?

It reminds me of a meme… why do you take criticism from people you would never take advice from?

Would I take advice from my inner critic? Fuck no. 

So why am I taking her criticism? Why am I allowing her words to replace my truths? 

That’s something to think further on. 

Ultimately, I do think there are inherently pros to knowing and caring about the opinions of others. Their perspectives matter and can help provide clarity. They can even be positively motivating by providing emotional or mental support through challenges. 

At the same time, caring solely about the opinions of others can invalidate my own thoughts and feelings. It can turn into an emotionally or mentally abusive situation depending on what is being said and internalized. It can prevent me from being my full self or striving to reach for things due to the fear of failure and ridicule. 

I think there is a balance. I do think making sure you are surrounded by healthy, supportive people and not by asshats is an important factor regarding how much care to give outside perspective. 

Rising Strong is actually helping me understand that. Is this person in the arena with me? If they aren’t, if they are standing on the sidelines with a bag of popcorn while I struggle, how much should I really care about their opinion?