Daily Summary: 
Yesterday feels like it was a waste. I did dishes before work. I didn’t go to the gym. I woke up tired. Didn’t help that I didn’t sleep well and it was cold and rainy and miserable. 

Super didn’t help that I was still feeling the financial pressure of my situation. 

I stayed at the rental not doing a whole lot. 

Logged into work. Didn’t to a whole lot there until later in the day. I have a lot of “On Demand” courses saved in their online training platform. Started working through a few of those. 

Ox came over after work. He gamed for a bit before taking a nap. Had his DnD session here which was mildly frustrating. 

I was still trying to do some of my coursework. I could hear him chatting with the group. It was hard to focus on what I was trying to do. 

Work ended. I tried going to sleep. I couldn’t. I got up and started looking at Indeed for part-time jobs I might be able to do on the side to bring in extra money.

Ox and I talked this morning. He’s not ok with the things I mentioned. They would cut into our already limited time. He’s offered to help financially. The thought makes me want to cry. I want to be in a spot in life where I can afford my life. I wish I hadn’t over-extended myself on the promise of someone else holding up their end of the agreement. 

If I do accept Ox’s help, each time he helps the amount will get added to his Excel sheet for what I owe him back. I dislike this. I dislike all of it and I know it’s at least one of the factors feeding into my not ok-ness right now. 

I have counseling tomorrow. I really don’t feel like talking about anything. 

I’m in a mood and I haven’t figured out how to get out of it yet. 

Random Ramblings: Prompt 9-31
Think about the third biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

This is the one role where I feel ok. Like, legit ok and not an “I guess I accept where I’m at in life” type of ok.

I am a worker. A teammate. I excel at work because work is easy. You do what you’re told when you are told to do it and somehow that makes you an amazing employee. It’s sort of sad that doing the bare minimum at your job makes you stand out, let alone going above and beyond. 

My vision for work is to move up the ranks of advisor and then become a trainer. From there I would move into the Training and Development team where I could coach and mentor others. 

That is my goal. It’s not just a vision. It’s what I’m actively working on. That’s what leadership is helping me move towards. 

I was accepted as Team Captain last Friday. 

I want to help others overcome their fears and self-doubt to be amazingly awesome people. It’s what I loved about teaching so much. It’s what I loved about patient education. I love helping people be better, more whole. Maybe that’s my restoration strength shining through. 

By being higher than an entry-level 1 advisor, ideally, I would be making enough to pay off my debt and actually save money for an emergency fund and retirement (lawl, what’s that?). 

Moving up through the ranks and shifting my area of focus to an area more in line with my natural interests feels nice. I don’t want to be a supervisor or a team lead or any sort of management position. I don’t want to be in charge of people. I want to help people. 

That’s where I’ll end up. It’s just a matter of time and effort. For me it’s not a vision; it will be my reality.

I wish the rest of my roles felt this confident and secure. I wish work wasn’t the only thing I felt like I was good at.