cross stitch

Dragon’s Horde 055: Home

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Photo Apr 16, 8 15 39 PM

The last cross stitch I count as actually being completed was January of last year. It was a pattern I adapted as a gift for my mom.

I have stitched, off and on, since then. I stitched a bit while I was in Vegas during her hospital stay. I tried to maintain my hobby while my life shifted around me.

Shortly after returning back to Orlando, after her death, I threw all of my projects away.

They hurt. They reminded me that things were different. That they would always be different. They were from a different time, a life time ago, a life I would never, could never, go back to.

I couldn’t finish those projects and I placed them into a trash bag without feeling. There was no sense of loss. There was no anger or injustice.

There was nothing.

For a really long time there was nothing aside from existing. Sometimes my days are still like that. My biggest accomplishment is waking up. Breathing. Sometimes I still need those things to count as being successful. I still need those things, those simple, unconscious things, to count towards something because if they don’t then what’s the point in doing them?

I saw this pattern one day while I was in Jo-Ann Fabrics.

I realized, standing in the aisle of a fairly mundane store, what it was that I had truly lost when my mom died. Why I hurt so much. Why I felt so lost. So alone. So vulnerable and exposed.

I no longer had a feeling of “home”.

I bought the pattern, I can’t remember exactly when, but most likely around the end of July.

I’ve had this pattern for almost a year.

It’s fairly simple; only three colors. It’s stitched on 14 count fabric, which for me is huge. I tend to gravitate towards 28 and 32 counts. There’s nothing hard or challenging about this piece. In fact, it’s pretty mindless and uninvolved.

And yet, it has taken me almost a year to complete.

Most of the time it would sit, a reminder that I had a project I “wanted” to complete, a hobby I used to enjoy, and yet it would go unattended.

One thread, a handful of stitches, I was lucky if I could get so much done in a single sitting. I have every cross stitch I ever made for my mother packed away in a “box of memories” in what is now my china hutch. I can remember holding those fabrics, threading those needles. I can remember her smiles when she opened her gifts. I can remember seeing them on the fire mantle when I would visit home.

I would remember all those things, feel all those feelings while holding this new project in my hands, the words reminding me that my home used to be two eyes and a heartbeat. Reminding me that “home” wasn’t here anymore and would never be the same even if I found another.

This is the first project in a very long time that I have completed for myself.

It’s important to me. I know it is even though right now I hurt from its completion. I know I’ll value it later but right now all I can feel is the hole in my chest where I wish so desperately there wasn’t what feels like ruin.

I thought so many times about throwing this project away. Of burning it. Destroying it. I thought so often, seeing it sitting on my table or in the corner of my living room, that it would be easier to give up on it, abandon it, rather than to work through all of the memories and emotions.

Right now it sucks. Right now it hurts. Right now I’m angry and sad and all of these fucking emotions that I’m so tired of feeling everytime my grief feels this uncontrollable need to remind me that it’s still there, that it will always be there, that it will never ebb or fade or ease. I’ll simply, at some point, become better at coping.

I had thought after a year I would be better. I had thought I would cry less. I had thought I would find some inspiration or meaning. I had thought I would find home, or some shattered pieces of happiness. I thought I would find something.

And maybe I have.

I’ve learned how to define myself to myself by myself.

I’ve learned that I’m not defined by my job. I’m not defined by my relationships. I’m not defined by people or by their expectations of me.

I’ve learned to have discipline instead of motivation.

I’ve learned to say, “Go fuck yourself.” I’ve said it to Life and all of its continued petty bullshit. I’ve said it to other people. To society. To myself. To the emotions I feel and rage and struggle against only to accept at the end of an exhausting and futile battle.

I’ve learned to be angry. I’ve learned to be sad. I’ve learned to keep going even when it feels like I’m at the end of myself and have nothing left to give.

27 years cannot be replaced. It cannot be erased or forgotten. It cannot be eased or soothed or medicated.

This project hurt, like so many other things in my life this past year. In a way maybe that’s fitting. Maybe one day it will make me smile. Even if it doesn’t, I’m glad I finished it. There’s something about it that’s solemnly appropriate.

I hurt, but I am content, and right now, that’s enough for me.

Daily Post 132: Lists and Pictures

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It’s morning. I’ve been awake for a few hours which surprises me. I had a hard time falling asleep so I had thought I would be slow and sluggish today, but not so. I can’t say that I’m really heartbroken about it. Even though I had some really good times on my walkabout, there were a lot of really hard times, and I started having bad dreams while I was in Texas which made sleeping hard. I haven’t recapped that part of the journey yet, so I’m sure I’ll write about it eventually. Not right now, though.

 

The takeaway from all of that is I slept last night, and slept well, which is something I had started questioning if I’ll ever be able to do again. I guess I can. I just have to almost kill myself with a boxing workout first. Who knew?

 

I did have a really long, really weird dream, but it was a lot of random and disconnected scenes and so this is actually the first dream that I can remember which I’m not putting much stock in.

 

I’ve already showered and cooked breakfast. My coffee is sitting beside me, neglected as always since writing takes up too much of my processing power to remember that I actually need the caffeine. I’ll get to it eventually I’m sure.

 

I have therapy at 11 this morning. That’s way earlier than when I was normally going, but it was the only spot available when I messaged. I don’t mind. I’m happy I get to see my therapist and tell her about the trip. She recently went on vacation, too. It will be nice to share stories with her.

 

I guess I should talk about yesterday a little… You know… since this is a “daily” post…

 

I got a lot taken care of. I went to the storage unit again and started poking through my boxes. Pulled out some stuff to bring back with me like my dish rack. I got a new cross stitch project out of my stash. I actually ordered hand dyed fabric the other day for a pattern I bought while I was in Texas. I can’t wait for it to come in. I would like to finish both of these projects before I move into my apartment.

 

I put air into my tires and got gas for the car. I went to Publix for a few things, including a sushi bowl for lunch. Went to the bank for a cashier’s check. Eventually I went to boxing where I had a pretty intense workout. I’ve gone the past two days after at least a month of almost nothing, and nothing consistent for the past six. I know I need to be kind to myself and not push too hard. The sadness has an easier time taking hold when I push past my limits. Because of that I didn’t go to combat practice yesterday.

 

I’m not sure if I wrote about SCA combat… I’ll get into details in another post, but basically I’m learning how to beat people up with swords. It’s awesome.

 

I was super tired and dehydrated after boxing, so I came back to my room, climbing up three flights of stairs in the process, where I cross stitched and listened to an audiobook for the rest of the night. I also made dinner and tuna so I have lunches. Look at me being a responsible adult, drinking water and eating nourishing things… 

 

I should be getting Scarlet back later tonight. That will be nice but requires a bit of setting up as far as the room goes. Nothing major. Just moving a few things around. Since she can’t jump very well I want to put the mattress on the floor. It seemed to work well with the air mattress. 

 

Oh. Speaking of mattresses… my friend is getting rid of the one he currently has since he’s getting a new bed. He offered for me to have the old one for free, and a couch for cheap. Yay for having furniture for the new apartment. Still need some other things, but I’m glad those two items are off the list.

 

I suppose I should also mention that I’m writing on my older brother’s Surface tablet. I ended up buying it from him, so I now have a laptop of sorts. It’s been amazing so far. I went out I got a messenger bag so I can carry my paper notebook with me along with my Surface, and all the other odds and ends that I normally keep in my backpack.

 

I like the smaller bag. The backpack is sort of overkill now since I’m not having to carry a change of clothes with me to work.

 

My body is sore today, but it still feels like it will be a pretty decent day. If I were using my friend’s scale I would most likely say today is a seven. At least at the moment. For now I’m going to go so I can write up a to-do list for today and start picking away at it.

 

That’s something I’ve been doing since I’ve been back. Sunday I went out and bought a new notebook. I’ve been making a list every day since Monday. Logically my brain goes, “Well, that’s only three days. Do you want a cookie?” Honestly though, making a to-do list used to be a core action for me. Every day, no matter what, I made my to-do list. Either right before bed or in the morning with breakfast. It was like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. It was like breathing. It just happened, no questions asked.

 

I’m trying to get back to there. I’m trying to figure out me in the wake of mom’s death and to-do lists are part of that me. I miss them. I miss the structure, the accountability, the guidance, the reliableness. I wasn’t perfect with them before mom’s death, so I’m not looking to be perfect now, but four days in a row is pretty good in my book, so don’t mind me while I sit over here sipping coffee feeling accomplished.

 

Here’s to trying to have another good day. Cheers.

 

Oh… and a cute picture that a friend sent me, because who doesn’t like cute pictures?

 

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Daily Post 120: A Mostly Normal Post

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I rewrote my about section the other day. Not sure why I find that important now, but I do. I guess my brain is trying to play catch-up with life.

 

I’ve cooked breakfast, cup of coffee included. I wish I had a toaster oven. I might see if someone has an extra they can let me borrow for the few weeks I’ll still be here. It’s scary. In two weeks I’ll be leaving.

 

I have an appointment with a locksmith today to unlock my storage unit. Through all of the moving around I’ve done since being back in Orlando I managed to lose my storage unit keys. Much lame. I already bought a new lock. I did that while I was reserving the UBox for my stuff. That’s on the 8th… Again, so close… so many mixed emotions.

 

Because the end is coming so soon I’ve been trying to find closure with some of the people in my life. I’ve reached out to Jarrett twice to see if I could say goodbye to him in person. He hasn’t responded to my messages so I’m guessing that’s not going to happen. I did what I could so I have not regrets or residual feelings. It would have been nice to wish him well in life and to not have animosity between us for the break up. He’s another ex who owes me roughly $1000.

 

I tried to reach out to Chad as well. I don’t think I ever wrote about him. He was prominent in my life while I was dating Corey. In the timeline of my dating life that was before Warren #2 (the second time), before Jarrett, before Sir, before Zane. Chad and I never dated, but there was undeniable chemistry between us which we both felt. Which I ignored. It’s one of the things I wonder on sometimes. What would have happened if we had dated? There was / is a lot between us and I wanted to reach out to him and let him know even though we haven’t talked in years that he was an important person in my life. I wanted to say goodbye to him in person. I haven’t heard back from him though, so I guess that’s not going to happen either.

 

Again, I tried everything I could to facilitate a meeting. If it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. I can only do my best.

 

I saw Zane yesterday. That led to mixed emotions. He had a few thing I needed to pick up from the apartment; a blanket my mom had bought me while I was a freshmen in high school, Scarlet’s flea comb, and a tablet pen and well that I need to return to the school during my exit interview on Friday.

 

I had stopped by after going to the gym yesterday. He wasn’t home and I was ok with that. I had forgotten to stop by the bank, though. We went over our data usage again because of me listening to Spotify, which I don’t regret or feel bad for. If we go over I pay the overage fee. So I needed to leave money at the apartment for the payment and had forgotten to go to the bank first. It wasn’t on my to-do list.

 

By the time I got back to the apartment Zane was walking in with the groceries he had gotten. I know he saw me pull up. It was frustrating and I feel disrespectful how he kept walking away from me. Looking back on it, he most likely didn’t know I had already been to the apartment and gotten my things. He most likely thought that I still had to come inside. But I didn’t. I wanted to hand him the money and leave and instead I had to “chase” him into the apartment to give it to him.

 

He was extremely nice and friendly to me and the whole time all I could think of was how he yelled and cursed at me on the phone last Saturday. How he had Sara over while I was in Vegas and lied to me about it. How he admitted to taking advantage of my need for human contact. How he had wanted to “be my friend.”

 

I couldn’t be nice back, so instead I was quiet.

 

When he wished me a good day I turned and left, not saying anything in return. I didn’t wish him a good day. I wish him nothing. I’m still too angry and hurt. I don’t wish anything negative anymore but I guess I’m still too low to wish him a happy life because I don’t feel like someone who can be that inconsiderate, that selfish, deserves happiness. I feel like he should feel the pain he put me through, that he put Nic through, that he’s most likely going to put Sara through. I want him to understand what it feels like. And maybe that’s selfishness on my part.

 

I don’t know. That’s where I am with that right now. There shouldn’t be another reason for me to see him again aside from signing paperwork. I’m giving him until Friday to switch his phone over to his own account. If not then I’m going to send a reminder about it, explaining the only options I have available are to disconnect the line which would terminate his service.

 

Anywho…

 

Seeing him led to all sorts of mixed up feelings. I came back to the extended stay and cried a little. I wrote, which helped. Afterwards I went to Sir’s place and watched Batman Bad Blood and last week’s Game of Thrones episode. I was pretty ok with everything that happened. I love the Hound.

 

I don’t think a whole lot is going to happen today. I have the storage unit to take care of. Currently waiting on the guy to call me, but that shouldn’t be until around 10ish. I have work at 1pm. At some point I want to go to the gym. I need to run to the grocery store for a few things, but nothing overly major.

 

I think I’m going to set my computer up and get a controller so I can play Witcher III. I think that will give me something to occupy my time with. Something I actually want to be doing. I’ve kicked the idea of cross stitching around, but I don’t have it in my at the moment.

 

Today is the first official day of summer. It doesn’t feel different in Florida. There isn’t an energy shift. It’s been “summer” for months.

 

Oh. Something else that happened. I got contacts. I’m not going to wear them constantly. Only when I’m at the gym or doing crazy taekwondo / aikido stuff. I figured it would be beneficial to my glasses to not put them in harms way.

 

So I guess this is a public service announcement… foreign objects on your eyeballs feel weird. >.<

 

That’s about it though. Going to go finish my coffee and shower so I can get the day started. Looking forward to killing me some ghouls and bandits.

Dragon’s Horde 0054: Kiss

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kiss.jpg

Title: Kiss
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: January 1, 2016

 

I honestly don’t remember exactly when I completed this cross-stitch. We’ll say that I finished it at the beginning of this month. This is the project I kept complaining writing about. The one I was trying to use as a country keeper topper, only to discover the company who used to sell the jars the size the pattern called for doesn’t make the jars anymore, and standard mason jars are too small to use the 5×5 design…

 

So right now I plan to frame this guy for mom. Hopefully she’s not one of the secret people following my blog under some weird alias. I haven’t had anyone called “crazy cat lady” follow me so I think I’m good. : 3

 

If you are reading this mom, I love you! Act surprised when you get this. And I don’t really think you’re crazy… ok… I don’t really think you’re that crazy… >.>;

 

Overall this design wasn’t too bad. I changed the original color of the kisses to the silver thread. I also changed the backstitched words to the blackish-brown color instead of the blue the pattern wanted to use. The blue didn’t pop enough against the lighter silver in my opinion.

 

I might do this one again just to see the original project to fruition, but if I do it won’t be for a while. This one did nothing but fight me every step of the way so taking a break from it for a while would most likely be for the best. It was cute. It’s done. I’ve already moved on to my Spring cross-stitch. Let’s label this as a success and keep on going.

Dragon’s Horde 0052: December 2015

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holiday

Title: December 2015 Holiday Treat
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Designed by: Jennifer Aikman-Smith
Completed: December 31, 2015

I honestly do not remember the exact day I completed this cross-stitch. I suppose I could go back through my posts, pinning down the day, but I’m fine with the date I picked. I started this Christmas day, right after completing the commissioned piece for Marcus, and I finished it before the New Year.

It was nice to go back to working with bright colors, and working on something small. An instant gratification project really since it took pretty much no time, especially in comparison to the 8 or more hours a day I as putting into The Hobbit.

Dragon’s Horde 0051: Winter

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Winter

Title: Winter
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Designed by: Gancedo.eu
Completed: January 19th, 2016

 

This is my most recent completed cross stitch. I’ve enjoyed working on it. I think it has helped me be reflective and calm through these past few weeks. I feel like it’s helped me with the “downness” I usually experience with winter and being constantly cold.

I’m happy with the way it came out and with my color choice and I’m looking forward to framing it. Onward to Spring and new green things.

Daily Post 079: Feeling Eh on a Day Off is Lame

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I feel like I’ve been spending a lot of time writing recently, what between the prompt pages I have gone back into writing and my daily posts, and part of me feels bad about that. Don’t I have better things to do with my life than sit at the computer writing about nothing all that terribly important? I also feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of time on Facebook again, and I am not sure where that falls into my “I care” spectrum.

 

I knew this week would be rough. And looking back at everything from the start of my winter break until know, there really has only been one week that was “normal”. I’m nowhere near the burnout I was back in what was it, November? Whenever I took the week off for mental health. Yeah, I’m nowhere near that.

 

But I can take a moment to say that this week hasn’t been fun. It’s been helpful to go back and read my post about this past weekend. To remember that I had a lot of really good days in a row.

 

I got a 100 on my abstract piece. I got a 95 on my last discussion post because I didn’t mention a specific artist or piece of artwork. Part of me is like, “Really?” The other part of me doesn’t care. I’m doing well in my class. 5 points isn’t going to break me. It’s just a mark against the perfectionism I used to strive so hard to attain. I’m not as worried about being perfect now. I was happy with my discussion post at the time. Why should 5 points make me feel like it’s not longer good enough?

 

I guess right now I’m sort of in an “I don’t care” mood. It’s my day off. I don’t have the bike so even if I wanted to go somewhere I can’t. Part of me feels like I’m stuck at home. Trevor is here because he’s still sick. John was coughing all last night, too, and the only thought I have in that regard is if I get sick and can’t run my race on the 6th…

 

I’ll leave that statement open ended because I don’t want to be tied down to only one course of action. I want to keep my options open.

 

Maybe hot sauce in eyeballs, or some other form of extreme torture. I wouldn’t want to kill them… oh no. Suffering. Much suffering… And of course I don’t mean a single word of any of that, but it makes the terrible side of my INFJ self amused and entertained.

 

There was a pretty good quote I saw at one point which said, “I may be smiling but inside my head I’ve already killed you nine different ways.” Yeah… most of the time it’s like that.

 

Blah.

 

So I was supposed to have my review yesterday. Guess what ended up not happening… Yep. My review. Clavan forgot about it. All of the preparing I did. The papers I printed out. The information I gathered… all of the stressing… yep. Get to continue to do that until Saturday. Whoohoo. : D

 

I got to start a new cross-stitch yesterday. I’m working on Spring now. I washed the Winter cross-stitch. I need to iron it, and then scan it so I can post pictures, because pics or it didn’t happen. This is going to be one of the ones I actually frame and keep for myself I think. I like it.

 

But yeah. Started on Spring. I’m using a light, bright green. It’s pretty against the white fabric and makes some weird part of my brain happy to see. Yay color. The blue of Winter was really nice, too. They’re both cool colors in the color spectrum and calming to process. I wonder what Summer is going to be like with the goldish color I plan to use. If only it were summer now and my toes weren’t cold. I’m pretty done with the whole cold thing and that might be another factor into today being a little low.

 

Lab was quiet yesterday. This month has actually been pretty chill as far as work is concerned. Both classes seem to be pretty solid, and the few questions I do get I’m able to take care of.

 

Since I had to wait for Zane to pick me up from work yesterday I walked over to Crisper’s where I had their kickin’ crab chowder with a half piece of bread. I cross-stitched for a little while after eating, wanting to stay away from school and people.

 

Zane came and got me. I drove home since he had battled through traffic to get to me. I showered when I got home, which was another factor into yesterday being “eh”.

 

I had showered the night before, and since it was cold outside in the morning I thought I would try to stay warm-er and not shower when I woke up like I normally do. That was the worst idea I have ever had. Seriously. Dating Warren #2 was a better idea than how I felt all day yesterday for skipping out on my shower. Two hours into work I felt like the grossest thing on the face of the planet. Never mind that only 12 hours ago I had showered and was perfectly clean. I had walked out of the apartment without showering.

 

Shame. Shame. Shame.

 

So the first thing I did upon getting home was bathe in lava, scrubbing my skin until it felt raw. Once that task was completed and I was warm and clean things started feeling better.

 

Zane made the rice for fish tacos. He said he would clean the kitchen for me since he wanted to do something nice so I left everything alone for the most part. I did put the silverware away since he dislikes that part about the dishes the most. We watched the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, so there’s only the 4th one left to see.

 

By then it was 10pm and bedtime. I wasn’t tired though, so Zane went to sleep, saying he was going a catnap and would be awake and midnight, which is when he would do the kitchen. There was also the promise of sexy fun time later.

 

I knew it wouldn’t happen though, and at 6am, when he came out of the room and woke me up from the couch I didn’t feel the crushing disappointment of having believed or hoped. I guess that sounds really depressing and maybe not fair of me, but it’s more of a “realistic” stance rather than a “self deprecating, woe is me” stance.

 

Logically, realistically, Zane hasn’t been waking up when he says he’s going to “catnap”. His alarm goes off, awaking me up if I’m sleeping with him, only to set his alarm for later and continuing to sleep, leaving the chores he says is going to do undone. It happens so often, so consistently, that it’s hard to believe him when he says, “I’ll do it later.”

 

No. You won’t. Because you have never done it later. There’s no anger with that statement. There’s no resentment or disappointment. Just logic. Which I know comes off as cold and distant most of the time, and I’m sorry for that. But logically, realistically, you won’t. because you haven’t. I can only believe in the things I see and experience. This is what you’ve shown me, so this is what I’m going to believe.

 

I ended up doing the dishes this morning and cleaning the kitchen. It’s going on another week since we had sex.

 

And maybe that’s part of todays “not caring” mood as well. This estranged, detached feeling where I have the friendship that I want, but there’s still the sexual unfulfillment that I feel shouldn’t be there if my relationship is supposed to be something more than just roommates.

 

And again I think of how it is an open relationship and how I have the ability to find another person if I wanted to, but would that really fix my issue? The lack of sex is more a lack of intimacy. If I find that intimacy with someone else Zane would no longer be my primary. I don’t think he would anyway. I would be more fulfilled by the other person, I would have a stronger, deeper connection to them. And so I’m left still wondering if I should accept what I have, which is pretty good, and just be happy, or find someone else, which only half of me is ok with because the other half is still brainwashed by society saying if you have more than one partner, especially as a girl, you’re a whore.

 

Arg.

 

I’m pretty sure I’m going to push this away for now because soul searching really isn’t something I want to do at the moment.

 

I don’t know what I want to do with today. Nothing really. Maybe iron my cross-stitch so I can feel like I’ve done something. So I can put it away and not be adding to the clutter on the table, which Trevor still hasn’t cleaned off even though he said two weeks ago he would. I have to give him credit. It’s better than what it was, but still not able to be used as a place for eating because of how much junk is on it, all of which isn’t mine aside from the 8×12 cross-stitch.

 

Another factor. The apartment still feels cluttered and messy and I can’t clean it.

 

I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know that longing for the future detracts from the present. But I do think that when the lease renews and everyone moves out and all of this clutter is gone that I will feel better.

 

I think Zane will be able to switch over to the sleep pattern he wants and so he will be able to actually wake up and do the things he says he’s going to do. We’ve already talked about that this morning, how it’s hard to believe the things he says, and that waiting until everyone moves out might be the better option for his sleep schedule.

 

He came up behind me this morning while I was washing the dishes and hugged me and said he was sorry for lying. That he hadn’t meant to sleep the whole night like that and that he would make it up to me.

 

I want my review to be over with. I know I’m going to do fine. I know Clavan still thinks I’m this amazing employee and that I have nothing to worry about, but I want it to be done with. I want to feel warm and wanted by my partner, and right now I don’t which means I would rather cuddle than do anything sexy, because girl logic. I think I’m still emotionally unsettled about the meeting with Head Honcho, too. Not really angry, but bummed.

 

It’s like there are lots of little things, small things, that on their own are fine and I can handle, but they add up, and together it just makes today seem so blah.

 

The sun is out today. It’s not cloudy. My toes are still cold because it’s winter, but it’s a nice day. Maybe I’ll sit on the porch, the door open, and cross-stitch with a second cup of coffee while Scarlet suns herself next to me.

 

I might not have the drive to do much today. Today might be a recovery day from what I knew was going to be a rough week, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad day.

 

I can listen to more of The White Dragon. Maybe even finish the book today. I’m not sure how much is left. I can make the baked ziti for dinner tonight. I can watch the last movie in the series so I can begin work on the deck of cards for the characters.

 

I hadn’t planned on making a to-do list today, but maybe that would help me feel more productive. One small task at a time. One bit of momentum rolling into the next to make things seem better. There are a lot of little annoying things tripping me up, but that doesn’t mean I have to fall to the ground and give up. There are a lot of little things that I can catch myself on, too, to keep me standing.

Daily Post 078: Yesterday and the Bike Ride Home

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I suppose I should take the time to write while I have it.

 

My Musing Moment from yesterday painted a pretty good representation of what I felt for most of the day. Angry. Writing helped a bit. Texting with RB helped as well. I had a message from him saying he was sorry I was having a rough day and from there we had a pretty comforting conversation. I had tried to call my mom but hadn’t been able to reach her. I had thought isolating myself away was the best option, but having interaction with someone I care about helped to balance me out.

 

I did use the left over emotions in my abstract piece this morning, which actually made the assignment pretty easy for me. I’ll be posting that later today as I feel up to it.

 

But yeah. The meeting wasn’t fun and made it hard to enjoy the rest of the day. Lab was uneventful. I was able to finish my winter cross stitch before it ended, which was a nice surprise. I hadn’t realized I was so close to completing it.

 

The bike ride home sucked. Mostly because the back tire refused to rotate properly, back peddling caused the chain to go slack, and there was an awful clanking sound that made me think my poor bike was dying…

 

Let me tell how that was so not what I needed after the meeting I had earlier… Can nothing go right in my day? Please? Just one thing? Can I just get home so I can have a breakdown alone and not on the side of the road?

 

I ended up texting Zane to let him know there was an issue with the bike, looked up when the bike shop closed (7pm), and then walked the bike the rest of the way home. I was pretty happy I had left my backpack at school. It would have been way worse to have to walk home with that on my back.

 

When I got home I was so close to breaking down. I was cold, had been all day, I was tired, I was frustrated, I still had all of the BS from the meeting to sort through… I knew good stuff had happened throughout the day. I knew it wasn’t the terrible day. But I couldn’t see or remember any of the good things. I knew that if I took the time to recognize ALL the events of my day rather than focusing on the negative ones that I would see there wasn’t a reason to feel the way I did. There wasn’t a reason to break down and I wasn’t going to let myself sink into the pits of undeserved misery just because I wanted to be selective in my memory.

 

While I stood in the kitchen I looked at the dry erase board on the fridge and got an idea. I would write down every positive thing that I could remember. Physically write it down rather than type or think it. If I wrote it down it was real. It existed. It happened.

 

So that’s what I did. I took the blue dry erase marker we use for our grocery list and wrote everything down. The more I wrote the more I could remember. The more I thought of that made my day nice. I meant to take a picture of the board before I left the apartment today, but I ran out of time and in my rush I forgot, so in no real order here are some of the things that happened yesterday.

 

The heat was on when I got home.
I had tuna already made so I could eat without having to cook.
My mom got a job.
Samantha got a job.
I was able to get home.
It was still light outside when I did get home.
I have money to fix the bike.
I could take the bike to the bike shop.
Carol helped replace the computer monitors in the break room.
I finished my cross stitch.
I got to talk to a friend.
I can fix my problems.
Today wasn’t a bad day.

 

So yeah. Some pretty awesome stuff happened yesterday.

 

On my to-do list I had things like, “do nothing,” and ,”eat ice cream.” No joke. I feel like I should take a picture of that just so it’s Internet official.

 

When Zane got home he took a look at the bike. The wheel was super bent some how. I wanted to take the bike to get it looked at since I think of it as my transportation now. I mean, the car is still my car, but I hardly ever use it anymore, at least when going to and from work. I felt crippled at the thought of not having the bike.

 

Even though he had just gotten home, and even though we had originally made plans to stay in and do nothing, mostly so I could try to recover from the emotional nonsense going on inside myself, Zane went with me to have the bike looked at instead.

 

Zane was frustrated for a majority of it. He hadn’t wanted to go. But I’m grateful he did. And in the end I think he was ok with how the night worked out. I’m glad we were able to spend time together instead of me being out at night by myself, trying to hold my world together even though I had already established that it wasn’t as bad as I was feeling.

 

The wheel was able to be corrected. There was also a broken spoke that needed to be repaired. When I mentioned about the back pedaling issue though that got me an “uh-oh” look from the tech. While the wheel was messed up, there was a bigger issue with the wheel. At the time it made perfect sense, and I still sort of know what the issue is, but I don’t remember all of the fancy, bikey, techy terms that were used to explain it to me.

 

Basically there is a housing unit that the gear cassette goes on. They think that’s broken, but can’t verify it without taking a bunch of stuff apart. I could replace the whole wheel for $60, or the gear cassette for something like $300… So we left the bike for them to replace the wheel.

 

It’s actually working out pretty well. They waived about $40 worth of fees and aren’t charging me for the previous work of straitening out the tire and fixing the spoke since I’m getting a new wheel instead. At first I was feeling pretty angsty because I literally just got the bike tuned up before Christmas. Can I not have it run good for a month?

 

But I guess this is a normal wear and tear thing, and with the tune up package I bought there wasn’t a way to see this particular part. Zane’s bike is pretty old and we leave it outside on the back porch of our apartment, so really I feel like I’ve been pretty lucky with the bike. I put about 200 miles on it in a month. I feel like I’ve been pretty fortunate to not have had the bike seriously mess up on me in such a way that I’ve been injured. I’ve only been minorly inconvenienced, and even with having to leave the bike at the shop last night, I was still able to get to work and enjoy my morning.

 

It might be annoying. I might be having to spend more money. But it is a good investment. Just like getting the car fixed is a good investment for continuing to be able to earn a paycheck. I’m fortunate that I am in such a better spot right now that I can afford the maintenance fee without cringing or worrying about how to cover something else. It’s annoying. I would have rather not had to spend that money. But I can spend it. I can fix the problem and things are still ok.

 

Because it was late-ish by the time we had the bike settled Zane and I went to Chick-fil-a for dinner, taking it back home. I was able to use money from the Food Fund, so it wasn’t extra spending, which was nice and made it feel a little more ok. Before eating I ran back out to school on my own. I put gas in the car while I was out. Zane doesn’t get paid until Friday, and I had done a lot of running around which used more gas than he was expecting. It’s only fair that I pay for the gas I used since he’s been keeping the car filled.

 

I retrieved my backpack then came back home to eat. We watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie while sitting on the couch under Zane’s new blanket. So much warm and softness. It was hard to stay awake towards the end of the movie, but I made it through the whole thing.

 

We went to sleep afterwards. I woke up around 1am unable to go back to sleep. I took my blanket and pillows, moving out to the living room where I eventually slept the rest of the night.

 

So that was yesterday. Long, crazy, frustrating, one road block after another type of a day, but I made it through. Suck it, Life.

 

I woke up this morning. I had breakfast. I’ve refused to let yesterday have any say in how I feel right now. Yesterday is in the past along with those emotions, and today is my present. It’s had its own frustrations, but I am happy to report that I am handling things with more grace.

 

Here’s to the rest of the day since it’s halfway over. Onward to keeping it relaxed and calm.

Dragon’s Horde 0049: The Hobbit

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The_Hobbit

Title: The Hobbit
Designed and Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: December 25th, 2015

This is my first ever custom cross stitch design commissioned by one of my co-workers as a Christmas gift for his girlfriend.

It was a fantastic learning experience, and even though for a while I was getting tired of stitching yellow, then brownish-black, I love how the design turned out.

Daily Post 061: All of the Days

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I feel like I’ve been MIA for a while, and it’s been nice. However it leaves me with a ton of stuff to write about. Apparently 12 pages worth of writing. My bad… But I’m glad I stepped away from the computer for a while, and I’m equally glad that I’m able to recall most of what happened, in the correct order. /flex

 

A lot of it has warm fuzzy feelings attached to it, too, which is also nice. I don’t think there has been any real discord or fighting between Zane and I. and while there have been a few dips here and there, it wasn’t due to an argument. It was all self inflected, which I’m sure I’ll get to.

 

Friday was a nice day. I got to work a bit early so I was able to get the key from the key box. Normally David picks it up. It didn’t rain on the way to school, or the way home, though by the time I left it was pretty cold outside.

 

Since it was the last lab before the holiday break I had the two trays of cookies for my class. They were appreciative of the gift and several students commented on how thoughtful I was. I mentioned that it was nothing and that I appreciated them showing up for lab. They could have been “irresponsible” and taken the hit on their attendance, leaving school early to start their break. Instead they showed up and worked on their assignments. That means a lot to me, and I wanted to do something nice so their last night before the break wasn’t a drag. Or at least less of one if there hadn’t been cookies.

 

While I was in lab I went ahead and placed the order for the tops I want. Of course by then one of them was sold out. Lame. Since the package is being delivered to the store, making my shipping free, I’m going to see if they happen to have it on display. If they do I’ll most likely get it. It was a gorgeous maroon color, with a latticed back across the shoulder blades. Long flowy sleeves, too. Seriously it was the one top that I was hardcore looking forward to. Not that I don’t like the others, but this was my favorite that I picked, and it’s the one that I’m currently not getting… Lame.

 

The online store isn’t charging me for the top since they didn’t have it. So if it is at the physical store I wouldn’t be spending more than I had already planned on spending. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t think the tops will be in until after Christmas, so I have a bit of time to wait.

 

Zane cooked the Shepard’s pie for dinner Friday.

 

It. Was. Amazing.

 

Seriously. I have never had anything like it, and that makes me so happy. Shepard’s pie is a traditional dish for him, and he really wanted me to enjoy it. But all I have are mildly traumatic memories of disliking it intensely.

 

Zane made the dish a bit differently than his recipe calls for. The mashed potatoes were a bit wetter than normal, an accident which resulted in him not making the gravy that he normally would have. The potatoes he used was actually colcannon, which has kale and leeks in it. I love leeks and it gave the potatoes an incredible flavor, one that wasn’t in the previous dishes I have tried.

 

There was burger, mushroom, carrot, and pepper jack cheese. The cheese was another change. Normally it would have been cheddar according to Zane, but with the other changes to the dish cheddar didn’t seem like a good fit anymore. It was a beautiful dish, full of so many colors, and the smell was fantastic, too. I found myself wanting to try it because there didn’t seem a way for any of it to be bad.

 

I was so worried about not liking it. I was so set on the fact that this was going to be another wedge between us that I hadn’t considered what would happen when I super, uber, liked the dish and didn’t want to share any of it. XD

 

Zane was happy, I was happy. Lots of happy and good food. It was a great way to end the evening and the week. I stayed up literally all night, until 6:30am cross-stitching.

 

I started watching Dr. Who again. Mostly with Zane, but there have been several episodes throughout the weekend / week (since we’re into Tuesday already >.<; ) that I have watched alone.

 

It was weird at first. Dr. Who was something I had only watched with RB. That’s actually most of the reason I purposely have avoided watching anything Dr. Who related. I can remember his excitement about sharing his favorite show with me. Our conversations when I didn’t understand something. His disbelief that I didn’t like Rose.

 

I think Donna is still my favorite at this point, and that’s something Zane doesn’t like. He thinks Donna is shrill and annoying.

 

And I agree. I don’t think Donna and I would get along very well if we ever met in person. At least not if I met her at the beginning of her time as a companion. But towards the end she had so much growth. She became such a stronger, more empathic person. I feel like out of all of the companions I have seen, she changed the most. She was just a friend for the Doctor. She wasn’t his romantic interest, and she didn’t have a romantic interest in him. It was just two buds hanging out. And I liked that. There weren’t awkward feelings of unrequited love, or relationship emotional drama. I liked that, a lot.

 

So yeah, I’m a Donna fan. And I watched all of those episodes with RB. Dr. Who will always be “his” show, even if I’m watching it with a different person. And I think Zane understands that. I don’t want to erase those memories. I don’t want to forget those conversations. Those nights where we ate dinner while watching an episode. How we would take breaks every so often so I wouldn’t go crazy from sitting in front of the TV for so long. Those are special to me, and in the beginning of watching the show again, it sort of hurt because I felt all of those things all at once. So much inside of my chest. But it eased over, the tidal wave passing. And I’m sort of glad that I’m continuing.

 

I like to think he would be happy that I’m watching it again and finding out the rest of the story. I think he would love the fact that one of my favorite episodes is “The Doctor’s Wife”. I think he would be happy that I love the story line of River Song and that she’s another of my favorite characters.

 

I hope that wherever he is at, whatever he is doing, that he’s happy and having a good holiday season. There’s part of me who still misses him and still thinks about the time he sent me a text asking to meet. I still have it on my phone. I haven’t deleted it, even though I regularly go through and delete messages. For me it’s a cleanliness thing. I don’t like having emails or messages cluttering up my inbox. But I can’t delete this one even though every time I look at it there’s a twinge inside my chest.

 

I don’t know if it’s part of subconsciously holding on. But I’m not ready to do it. Just like I can’t forget his smile or how he would call me Freya. How no one calls me that anymore. He was, is, special, and even if it hurts I don’t want to change that. I don’t want to twist the good memories into something dark and hateful just so they hurt less. I want to keep them the way they are. I want to remember him as someone I loved, and still love in my own confusing, unexplainable way.

 

There was an awesome quote I read the other day.

 

My mouth can’t translate the things my heart says. ~ Jim Akanishi

 

And I guess that’s where I’ll leave that tangent. There aren’t words complex enough, deep enough, expressive enough, to paint the picture, the emotions, inside of my mind.

 

Because I stayed up so late Friday you would have thought I would sleep Saturday away. Instead I was up around 10:30 with Zane. We made plans. Mostly me running around and doing errands while I had the option of using the car.

 

I packed the laundry into the trunk, along with the bike to take it to get tuned up. I got to see Aryan again. He’s the guy who’s been helping me with all of my bike stuff. He helped me pick out my helmet, and showed me the light that he uses while biking to work himself. He’s been extremely kind and helpful, answering all of my questions, regardless of how silly they may seem. I was so happy that he was the one to check my bike in. He explained that they were going to replace the chain, and that my back tired need to be replaced as well. He answered all of my questions about those things, and little by little he’s turning me into a biking pro.

 

Since they had other bikes in the shop, and because I was getting a pretty involved package done they said the bike most likely wouldn’t be ready until Sunday. I said that was fine, that I wasn’t in a rush, and whenever it got done was awesome.

 

With that taken care of I headed back towards home. Zane had called while I was in the shop saying I had forgotten a few pieces of laundry and since I hadn’t started it yet I figured going back home was the smart choice. I sat and smoked for a bit with him. I don’t remember what flavor it was, but it had been a bit of a chore to get the bike into my tiny car, and then all of the socializing with Aryan, plus the lack of sleep and in general wanting to be a slacker… energy wise I was just tired, and a break in my running around, since I had already done “so much” seemed nice.

 

After a little bit I headed back out. I went to CVS first to pick up a card for my older brother and Alex since I was planning on mailing him the money order. I got the cards, perfect ones of each of them. I went to the bank for the money order and got to see Connie. She’s the teller who had the baby. It was nice to be able to wish her happy holidays.

 

I had planned on stopping by the post office to mail off Alex’s card and the Verizon box, but the line was so long that there were cars waiting for parking spots and parking across the street or in the grass… Totally not going to stand in line that long. Sorry not sorry. It can happen a different day.

 

So instead I drove down to Target. The last time Zane and I were there he had seen a stone serving tray that he wanted to get. It was like a mini cutting board, and he loved it because it would have been perfect for cutting shisha on it. The stone would be easier to clean and wouldn’t stain like the plastic ones we’ve been using. It was a pretty gray marble stone.

 

I had told him not to buy it since Christmas was just around the corner. So here I was being a sneaky Santa and going out to get it for him while he was at home. Only they didn’t have any more. They had changed the display on the aisle, and nowhere, literally nowhere, could I find these stone serving trays.

 

I was so mad, and angry, and disappointed in myself. I even went onto the website on my phone to try to find the trays, but they weren’t listed. They only had these ugly mixed colored ones, and I didn’t want to get it. First because it was ugly and I personally didn’t like it. Secondly because it was ugly and I knew Zane wouldn’t like it either.

 

It sucked. So much. Zane and I had played 20 questions Friday night where he tried to guess the present I had said I had already bought him. So now not only was I a failure, but a liar, too. I ruined Christmas.

 

As I was sitting at the stoplight trying to figure out what I was going to do, Zane called me. I couldn’t pretend to be happy. I knew I answered the phone with all of the disappointment in my voice that I was feeling in my chest. And when he asked me what was wrong I told him.

 

I told him how I was upset because I hadn’t been able to go to the post office because of the line, and that I had gone to Target because I had lied and hadn’t actually gotten his gift yet, but that they didn’t have it any more, and that the website didn’t list it, and that I was angry and feeling like a failure because even if I did get him something else it wouldn’t be the same because we had already played our game and that was the gift I wanted to get him.

 

I admit that it was a bit of a mini melt down. But there are a few things that factor into that.

 

I wrote a few weeks ago about how I had to run out to the store and pick something up, and while I was out I planned on getting Zane breakfast Danishes from the bakery because he didn’t have anything to eat for breakfasts.

 

Well, I guess he hadn’t really liked them all that much the previous week, but hadn’t told me that. So when I showed up at home with more of the Danishes… well it led to an awkward conversation where I felt sort of bad about the gift I had bought for him. I was trying to do something nice, but I had gotten the wrong thing. He apologized for not letting me know that he hadn’t really cared for the Danishes, and that he appreciated me trying, but it still sort of sucked.

 

There is also the pen incident. One of the times I did laundry I didn’t check his pockets and ended up washing three of the pens Zane really loves. While I was out getting printer ink last week I checked to see if they had another pack of the pens. They did, so I bought them. Only they were .8 instead of .5.

 

They’re not the same. They’re thicker, and as soon as Zane mentioned the difference, before he even tried writing with them, I knew that they were going to be wrong. As an artist, I personally know that the thickness gives the pen a different feel. And maybe you don’t even have to be an artist to have an appreciation, or an awareness of that. Maybe it’s just something some people are sensitive to and others aren’t. Like having a preference for Coke over Pepsi. Some people care, hardcore. While others don’t.

 

Maybe it’s like that. But Zane and I are so similar that I knew, instantly knew, that I had gotten the wrong thing and that even though he again, appreciated the gesture, that it was inherently wrong. Like getting a home made sweater for Christmas as a kid… Thanks grandma…. But I’m never going to wear it and it will collect dust in my closet until I “out grow” it and can’t wear it.

 

So I’ve had really, really bad luck with gifting things to Zane. And here was my chance to get something that I knew he would like. That he had told me he would like. And I told him during our game that if he didn’t like it I would stab him because he had told me to my face that he liked this item, so if he didn’t like it he had been lying to me. And now I wasn’t able to get it for him. I suppose I could have run around to tons of different stores looking for this one serving tray, but at the time it felt hopeless. It’s not something they’re apparently stocking any more, so there was no guarantee of finding it. And I didn’t have an item name or serial number they could look up in their systems, so I couldn’t call ahead and make sure. It felt so incredibly hopeless in the moment.

 

And so all of this I poured out on Zane. How I felt like I wasn’t able to get the whole gift thing right, and the one chance I had, the one time I told him not to get something that he wanted, I messed up and now he wouldn’t be able to get it at all.

 

Sooooo much lame. >.<;

 

He talked me through those feelings though, and we actually came up with an awesome plan. There is a kitchen shop down town on Park Avenue that he really likes. He said I could come home and relax and we could look at their website together and see if there was anything that would work as a replacement cutting board since we couldn’t seem to get the one from Target anymore.

 

Since the shop is downtown and near a restaurant we’ve been wanting to try I mentioned that we could make a day of it. On the 29th Zane has the day off, so he wants to go to a few stores while he’s able to, including setting up an eye appointment.

 

So right now the 29th seems to be our “Christmas Day”. We’re going to go out and do his errands in the morning, get lunch at the restaurant we want to try, then stop at the kitchen store to see about getting the cutting board he wants. We may even get ice cream depending on how full we are since we’ll be right next to the Haagen-Dazs shop. A completely full date day.

 

We’re both really looking forward to it, and it completely solves the issue of the gift. Zane and I are both hard to shop for. We’re both picky, and we know exactly what we want. Most of the time they aren’t cheap things either.

 

So when Zane kept nagging me about what he could get me for my birthday or Christmas I kept saying nothing. I really don’t want much of anything but for him, it doesn’t feel right to get gifts for everyone else, Nic, Hannah, Trevor, and not to get his “main squeeze” something. He said it felt wrong. So, he’s going to be getting me a set of free weights, and new earrings since I’ve only had one earring for about 9 months now. I keep playing with the balls, unscrewing them while I’m thinking or daydreaming, and then they fall off because they’re loose and the ring falls out…

 

So yeah. New earrings and weights for me, and a shisha cutting board for him, coupled with an amazing day out walking around downtown. I really hope it works out the way I see it inside of my head.

 

I was completely beat from my emotional rollercoaster. I went from up to down to mildly up again in less that 15 minutes. I was done with the day and being out. I went back home, per Zane’s orders, and cuddled with him on the couch while we poked around on the kitchen store’s website. He actually found something that he really liked, so we have an idea of what to look for when we go to the store.

 

We chilled for a while before going out together and doing the grocery shopping. We did really well with the budget. I got the things I needed to make chili and shrimp scampi. We also got a duck for Christmas day since we wanted to do something sort of special. Christmas isn’t a big deal for either of us, but we wanted to do something together. Food is always a good “togetherness” option.

 

We also got steak for dinner that night along with a six-pack of apple cider because I wanted apple cider. No real reason. Just haven’t had any in a while. Angry Orchard didn’t have any of their Green Apple, so we went with a different brand. Don’t remember the name of it, but I really enjoyed it. : 3

 

Even with $40ish dollars of extra spending we were under budget. Not by a whole lot, but enough that I was pleased with ourselves. Go us!

 

We went back home, I cooked the steak dinner eventually, and that was pretty much Saturday. It felt like a really long day, and I was happy to sit and cross stitch while watching more Dr. Who.

 

Sunday I woke up around 10:30. It was my birthday. I already had tons of messages on Facebook and my phone. Messages which I admit to ignoring for the whole day.

 

I was supposed to go to Lance, the stage fighting group, but I didn’t go. Just didn’t feel like rushing or having obligations, or being around anyone and making friends. I just wanted to chill and honestly, to ignore most of the world. So I did. I stitched. Zane cleaned out the fridge because that was on his to-do list. He wanted to go through everything in the fridge, and anything that was past its expiration date, regardless of who bought it, got thrown out.

 

There’s so much more room in the fridge now. It’s great.

 

We went to sushi for lunch because that’s what I had wanted. Really, it was the only thing I asked to do for the day. No crazy party, no going out for drinks, no hanging out with people or having them over. Just a quiet lunch at a place we both like. So that’s what we did. And it was awesome. Hannah didn’t work until later that night, so we had a different server, but it was still a really good experience.

 

I received a phone call saying the bike was ready to pick up. I really didn’t want to stuff it into the back of my car after spending $200 on a tune up. Part of that expense was buying a new chain for the bike along with a new rear tire. But that’s a lot of money and I didn’t want to mess any of that up by transporting the bike improperly. I was thinking about biking it back home from the shop. It would only be about a 5-mile ride, if that. But it looked like rain, and the wind was blowing, and I really wasn’t feeling all that energetic, though I told Zane biking would most likely fix that. I needed to start moving in order to want to move sort of a thing. The hardest part is getting started sometimes.

 

He wasn’t comfortable with me biking though with the weather looking so bad. He said he knew as soon as he dropped me off and got back home that the sky would open up and I would call needing a ride anyway. To be fair, that is what most likely would have happened.

 

So instead, I dropped Zane off at home, since I can’t transport the bike and a passenger. I have to scoot the passenger seat all the way forward to get the bike into the back, and Zane is too tall to be kissing the dashboard like that. So he got to stay home while I went to the store.

 

Aryan was there again, so that was a pleasant surprise. I took the bike out for a test run around the streets near the store. It feels amazing. So much better than it did. It’s surprising how bad something can get and you not notice as long as it happens gradually. The ride is so much smoother now, easier. The chain doesn’t skip on the highest gear. There’s less friction because there’s enough air in the tires. It’s great. And everything is shiny again and not icky looking with dirt and grime. Totally money well spent.

 

I got the bike back home. Put the front tire back on and rode around the complex just to make sure I didn’t mess anything up by putting the bike in my car. Everything still felt fine, so I guess we’re good. I stitched a bit more after carrying the bike up the stairs. It wasn’t long after coming home that I took a nap with Zane, both of us curling up in bed for a little over an hour.

 

I felt better after the nap. More with it.

 

Eventually I went out to do laundry, which hadn’t gotten done the previous day. Zane needed pants, and work shirts. I wanted my workout stuff washed and to actually do something productive. It just sucked that it involved having to go back out into the world. My compromise was that if I did this chore I would go to my sports bar and order wings to go for dinner. Another birthday treat for being awesome and productive.

 

So that’s what I did. I cross-stitched was at the laundry mat, listening to “The Sound of Music” which was playing on the TV. I got to hear my two favorite songs from the musical, which made the whole adventure worth it. I also received a compliment on my cross stitch from another woman who was there. That made me smile and feel warm.

 

I folded the laundry while I was there and had the space to do it. It makes it easier to carry since the cloths aren’t overflowing the basket. They’re nice and organized and easier to put away once I get home when I take the time to straighten them before hand.

 

I didn’t have the number for the sports bar. I’m thinking about adding it to my favorites list though… So I had to place my order once I got there and wait. I got a basket of fries for Zane while I was there. I didn’t have to wait all that long, and while I was waiting I took the time to respond to the text messages on my phone. I had one from Lio, Jason, my mom, a few friends who were former students. I even got one from my dad. I was also messaging Zane to keep myself entertained.

 

Once the food was ready I headed back home where I ate part of my dinner, then went back to stitching. I ended up going to sleep before Zane, and since he is doing his catnap sleep schedule he stayed on the couch when he actually did go to sleep. I know he did a bit of cooking when he woke up. I vaguely remember the sound of the skillet and the smell of more of the Shepard’s pie beef. The sounds and smells were comforting. Homey feeling. Safe feeling. I was able to fall back to sleep easily, and I don’t think I ever fully woke up. I vaguely remember when he came into the room to dress and kiss me goodbye. All of those are nice memories. Soft and dream like, but I know they happened.

 

Monday I didn’t get out of bed until around 11:30. Super late. My younger bother ended up calling me and we had a good conversation. He is planning on coming to Full Sail and wanted to talk to me a bit about it. I had breakfast and coffee. I replied to the 40+ messages on Facebook that I got on Sunday. I started talking to a friend that I had lost contact with for a bit. I really didn’t do much of anything worth noting until almost 4pm.

 

I stitched for a little bit. When Zane messaged me that he was on his way home I prepped the hookah for him. I started cooking the chili, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, and I put the cloths away. Yep, I’ve been up and doing things all day…. Totally wasn’t a slacker….

 

Honestly it was a low day yesterday. But it’s winter. Almost Winter Solstice. Actually, that’s today. We’re halfway through. And even though the moon is waxing, I feel so tired. I’m glad there isn’t the normal depression this winter. At least, it doesn’t seem to be as bad as it has been in the past. I remember this was when I meet James last year. I wonder if he remembers me at all, or thinks about me.

 

I like where I’m at right now, and I think that has a large part to do with not being so depressed. I can’t help the low energy thing. Even now, as I type, my toes are cold, my coffee is empty, and all I want to do is curl back under the covers and sleep. Hibernate until late spring when it’s warm and sunny and everything is alive feeling.

 

For being a winter baby I sure do dislike my birth season. Maybe that’s because opposites are supposed to attract.

 

Either way, we’re in the home stretch today. The Earth continues to turn and the longest night will pass. There will be more and more sunlight. More and more warmth. For me, the year is waxing now. Growing towards my season. That gives me strength. Like I’ve made it through something that I didn’t know I was really struggling with. And maybe I didn’t notice it as much because this year I’m not alone.

 

Whatever the reason, I’m glad for it. I’m glad that I’m just tired feeling rather than tired and sad. I’m glad that I’m fighting my body more than my mind because the body is easier to deal with for me.

 

I didn’t fight it yesterday though. I didn’t make myself go biking, or give myself shit for continuing to not train. I have something like 46 days until my race. I should be freaking out. But I’m not. And I’m going to continue to enjoy my time off from work. My recovery. If working out happens, great. If not. Ok. I accept those consequences. I might not be able to make it through everything come race day. But I knew that before starting this. I knew that three months was a sort amount of time. Which is why this is my trial run, and the June race is my legitimate race.

 

That doesn’t mean I’m going to half ass this one. But it does mean that I’m going to respect myself. I’ve been pushing pretty hard. I’ve been doing well. I think I’m allowed to have a few days, a week or so, to regroup. I have my game plan inside of my head. I haven’t given up.

 

Because yesterday started so late, by the time I was awake enough to do much of anything it was already almost dark outside, and I would rather not bike in the dark if I don’t have to. I also have my commission that I have to finish before Christmas Eve, so I would rather get that done instead of working out.

 

So that’s what I did most of yesterday. Aside from the few things I’ve already mentioned, the chores and chili cooking, I didn’t do much other than stitch and watch more Dr. Who.

 

Yes… I am binging on that show. I’ve almost caught up to the current season. I’m on the episode “Angles in Manhattan”. An episode Zane said I would most likely want to watch with him because of the emotional impact it will have on me. Great. One of “those” episodes. >.<;

 

I sent Marcus a work in progress image of the commission. There’s still a ways to go, but I’m confident about getting it done in the next two days.

 

Yesterday I got my mom’s calendar in the mail, so the only thing I have left to do is get a gift for my sister in law. I still have no idea what she would want. Once I get it figured out I’ll be able to mail all of the cards and gifts in one go, though. Looking forward to sending off my little box of joy to my family. : )

 

I also got my birthday card in the mail from my mom. She got me a gift card to Moe’s, one of my favorite-est places to eat, and a gift card to Jo Anne’s, the place where I get most of my stitching supplies. She also said I should be getting a gift card to Crisper’s in the mail, the soup and sandwich shop that I go to every once in a while on campus.

 

I haven’t had a chance to talk to my mom yet. She sent me a text message on my birthday, but when I tried calling her a few times she didn’t answer. My older brother said she was sick when I was texting him at the sports bar. She sent me an email yesterday saying that she slept for most of my birthday and that she wanted me to know she wasn’t snubbing me.

 

I replied this morning already, saying that if it made her feel better I slept for most of my birthday, too, though I think my sleep was a bit more enjoyable. I’m hoping we can chat a bit later today. I think it’s still early in Vegas. Silly time zones and stuff.

 

I also got a check from John yesterday for the storage unit. He had asked me how much it was, $75? And I told him no, that it was only $50, though if he wanted to send $75 I wouldn’t complain. I had meant it jokingly so I wasn’t expecting to get a check for $150. That covers his side of the storage unit up through March, which works out great. That’s when we should be getting rid of the unit because everyone is moving out of the apartment.

 

We’ll see how all of that works out. We found out last night that Danielle quit her job. I can’t say I’m surprised. She doesn’t seem the type of person to want to do much of anything. I know that’s not a nice thing to say, but I feel like it’s the truth. She comes from a family with money. This was the first job she’s had ever. She feels like she shouldn’t have to pay rent here because her belongings aren’t here, even though she sleeps here 6 out of 7 nights a week.

 

Under her logic, Trevor and I shouldn’t have to pay rent because over half of our stuff is in a storage unit.

 

She has this air of self-entitlement that makes her unattractive to me. Everyone mentions how she’s pretty, but her soul isn’t to me. She’s selfish, self-centered, and that’s a huge turnoff for me. And I’m not even talking about on a romantic level. Just as a person, I don’t want to be friends with her. She lacks empathy, and feels like if she doesn’t like something, she shouldn’t have to do it.

 

She feels closed-minded. And I dislike that in people. And instead of bashing her further, I’m going to leave off that topic with saying I hope she grows as a person because I think she has a lot of potential.

 

I really hope Trevor and Danielle still move out. I hope she is able to find a different job, maybe one she likes more. There’s nothing to do in that area other than wait since the situation is literally outside of my control.

 

Today is already pretty much done as well. Hannah is coming over around 1pm to drop her key off. She’s going back home to visit family so Zane is taking care of her cat again. I want to bike to the post office and bank today to deposit John’s check and mail off the Verizon box. I could also mail John’s and Alex’s holiday cards to them while I’m out. And if I’m really feeling frisky I could go to UPS to mail off my cross stitch to my blogging buddy. I had forgotten that FedEx ups their rates on the weekends. I’m not sure about UPS, but they’re super close to the post office, within biking distance, while FedEx is a bit out of the way and along a major road that I would rather not bike on.

 

Other that those things it’s just another day of cross-stitching and being at home alone. I like it. It feels good, even though I’m tired.

 

I’ll try to keep up with writing more so I don’t have to spend an hour or so typing out 12 pages worth of rambling. Mostly because proof reading 12 pages is annoying rather than because I feel bad around writing that much. I totally don’t.

 

No regrets. Not a single letter.

 

And with that I guess I’m done. Off to go heat up come chili before proof reading this halfway, losing interest, then going to watch Dr. Who where my soul is ripped from my chest because something bad happens to Amy and Rory.