I feel like I’ve been spending a lot of time writing recently, what between the prompt pages I have gone back into writing and my daily posts, and part of me feels bad about that. Don’t I have better things to do with my life than sit at the computer writing about nothing all that terribly important? I also feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of time on Facebook again, and I am not sure where that falls into my “I care” spectrum.

 

I knew this week would be rough. And looking back at everything from the start of my winter break until know, there really has only been one week that was “normal”. I’m nowhere near the burnout I was back in what was it, November? Whenever I took the week off for mental health. Yeah, I’m nowhere near that.

 

But I can take a moment to say that this week hasn’t been fun. It’s been helpful to go back and read my post about this past weekend. To remember that I had a lot of really good days in a row.

 

I got a 100 on my abstract piece. I got a 95 on my last discussion post because I didn’t mention a specific artist or piece of artwork. Part of me is like, “Really?” The other part of me doesn’t care. I’m doing well in my class. 5 points isn’t going to break me. It’s just a mark against the perfectionism I used to strive so hard to attain. I’m not as worried about being perfect now. I was happy with my discussion post at the time. Why should 5 points make me feel like it’s not longer good enough?

 

I guess right now I’m sort of in an “I don’t care” mood. It’s my day off. I don’t have the bike so even if I wanted to go somewhere I can’t. Part of me feels like I’m stuck at home. Trevor is here because he’s still sick. John was coughing all last night, too, and the only thought I have in that regard is if I get sick and can’t run my race on the 6^th…

 

I’ll leave that statement open ended because I don’t want to be tied down to only one course of action. I want to keep my options open.

 

Maybe hot sauce in eyeballs, or some other form of extreme torture. I wouldn’t want to kill them… oh no. Suffering. Much suffering… And of course I don’t mean a single word of any of that, but it makes the terrible side of my INFJ self amused and entertained.

 

There was a pretty good quote I saw at one point which said, “I may be smiling but inside my head I’ve already killed you nine different ways.” Yeah… most of the time it’s like that.

 

Blah.

 

So I was supposed to have my review yesterday. Guess what ended up not happening… Yep. My review. Clavan forgot about it. All of the preparing I did. The papers I printed out. The information I gathered… all of the stressing… yep. Get to continue to do that until Saturday. Whoohoo. : D

 

I got to start a new cross-stitch yesterday. I’m working on Spring now. I washed the Winter cross-stitch. I need to iron it, and then scan it so I can post pictures, because pics or it didn’t happen. This is going to be one of the ones I actually frame and keep for myself I think. I like it.

 

But yeah. Started on Spring. I’m using a light, bright green. It’s pretty against the white fabric and makes some weird part of my brain happy to see. Yay color. The blue of Winter was really nice, too. They’re both cool colors in the color spectrum and calming to process. I wonder what Summer is going to be like with the goldish color I plan to use. If only it were summer now and my toes weren’t cold. I’m pretty done with the whole cold thing and that might be another factor into today being a little low.

 

Lab was quiet yesterday. This month has actually been pretty chill as far as work is concerned. Both classes seem to be pretty solid, and the few questions I do get I’m able to take care of.

 

Since I had to wait for Zane to pick me up from work yesterday I walked over to Crisper’s where I had their kickin’ crab chowder with a half piece of bread. I cross-stitched for a little while after eating, wanting to stay away from school and people.

 

Zane came and got me. I drove home since he had battled through traffic to get to me. I showered when I got home, which was another factor into yesterday being “eh”.

 

I had showered the night before, and since it was cold outside in the morning I thought I would try to stay warm-er and not shower when I woke up like I normally do. That was the worst idea I have ever had. Seriously. Dating Warren #2 was a better idea than how I felt all day yesterday for skipping out on my shower. Two hours into work I felt like the grossest thing on the face of the planet. Never mind that only 12 hours ago I had showered and was perfectly clean. I had walked out of the apartment without showering.

 

Shame. Shame. Shame.

 

So the first thing I did upon getting home was bathe in lava, scrubbing my skin until it felt raw. Once that task was completed and I was warm and clean things started feeling better.

 

Zane made the rice for fish tacos. He said he would clean the kitchen for me since he wanted to do something nice so I left everything alone for the most part. I did put the silverware away since he dislikes that part about the dishes the most. We watched the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, so there’s only the 4^th one left to see.

 

By then it was 10pm and bedtime. I wasn’t tired though, so Zane went to sleep, saying he was going a catnap and would be awake and midnight, which is when he would do the kitchen. There was also the promise of sexy fun time later.

 

I knew it wouldn’t happen though, and at 6am, when he came out of the room and woke me up from the couch I didn’t feel the crushing disappointment of having believed or hoped. I guess that sounds really depressing and maybe not fair of me, but it’s more of a “realistic” stance rather than a “self deprecating, woe is me” stance.

 

Logically, realistically, Zane hasn’t been waking up when he says he’s going to “catnap”. His alarm goes off, awaking me up if I’m sleeping with him, only to set his alarm for later and continuing to sleep, leaving the chores he says is going to do undone. It happens so often, so consistently, that it’s hard to believe him when he says, “I’ll do it later.”

 

No. You won’t. Because you have never done it later. There’s no anger with that statement. There’s no resentment or disappointment. Just logic. Which I know comes off as cold and distant most of the time, and I’m sorry for that. But logically, realistically, you won’t. because you haven’t. I can only believe in the things I see and experience. This is what you’ve shown me, so this is what I’m going to believe.

 

I ended up doing the dishes this morning and cleaning the kitchen. It’s going on another week since we had sex.

 

And maybe that’s part of todays “not caring” mood as well. This estranged, detached feeling where I have the friendship that I want, but there’s still the sexual unfulfillment that I feel shouldn’t be there if my relationship is supposed to be something more than just roommates.

 

And again I think of how it is an open relationship and how I have the ability to find another person if I wanted to, but would that really fix my issue? The lack of sex is more a lack of intimacy. If I find that intimacy with someone else Zane would no longer be my primary. I don’t think he would anyway. I would be more fulfilled by the other person, I would have a stronger, deeper connection to them. And so I’m left still wondering if I should accept what I have, which is pretty good, and just be happy, or find someone else, which only half of me is ok with because the other half is still brainwashed by society saying if you have more than one partner, especially as a girl, you’re a whore.

 

Arg.

 

I’m pretty sure I’m going to push this away for now because soul searching really isn’t something I want to do at the moment.

 

I don’t know what I want to do with today. Nothing really. Maybe iron my cross-stitch so I can feel like I’ve done something. So I can put it away and not be adding to the clutter on the table, which Trevor still hasn’t cleaned off even though he said two weeks ago he would. I have to give him credit. It’s better than what it was, but still not able to be used as a place for eating because of how much junk is on it, all of which isn’t mine aside from the 8×12 cross-stitch.

 

Another factor. The apartment still feels cluttered and messy and I can’t clean it.

 

I know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I know that longing for the future detracts from the present. But I do think that when the lease renews and everyone moves out and all of this clutter is gone that I will feel better.

 

I think Zane will be able to switch over to the sleep pattern he wants and so he will be able to actually wake up and do the things he says he’s going to do. We’ve already talked about that this morning, how it’s hard to believe the things he says, and that waiting until everyone moves out might be the better option for his sleep schedule.

 

He came up behind me this morning while I was washing the dishes and hugged me and said he was sorry for lying. That he hadn’t meant to sleep the whole night like that and that he would make it up to me.

 

I want my review to be over with. I know I’m going to do fine. I know Clavan still thinks I’m this amazing employee and that I have nothing to worry about, but I want it to be done with. I want to feel warm and wanted by my partner, and right now I don’t which means I would rather cuddle than do anything sexy, because girl logic. I think I’m still emotionally unsettled about the meeting with Head Honcho, too. Not really angry, but bummed.

 

It’s like there are lots of little things, small things, that on their own are fine and I can handle, but they add up, and together it just makes today seem so blah.

 

The sun is out today. It’s not cloudy. My toes are still cold because it’s winter, but it’s a nice day. Maybe I’ll sit on the porch, the door open, and cross-stitch with a second cup of coffee while Scarlet suns herself next to me.

 

I might not have the drive to do much today. Today might be a recovery day from what I knew was going to be a rough week, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad day.

 

I can listen to more of The White Dragon. Maybe even finish the book today. I’m not sure how much is left. I can make the baked ziti for dinner tonight. I can watch the last movie in the series so I can begin work on the deck of cards for the characters.

 

I hadn’t planned on making a to-do list today, but maybe that would help me feel more productive. One small task at a time. One bit of momentum rolling into the next to make things seem better. There are a lot of little annoying things tripping me up, but that doesn’t mean I have to fall to the ground and give up. There are a lot of little things that I can catch myself on, too, to keep me standing.