cooking

Daily Post 120: A Mostly Normal Post

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I rewrote my about section the other day. Not sure why I find that important now, but I do. I guess my brain is trying to play catch-up with life.

 

I’ve cooked breakfast, cup of coffee included. I wish I had a toaster oven. I might see if someone has an extra they can let me borrow for the few weeks I’ll still be here. It’s scary. In two weeks I’ll be leaving.

 

I have an appointment with a locksmith today to unlock my storage unit. Through all of the moving around I’ve done since being back in Orlando I managed to lose my storage unit keys. Much lame. I already bought a new lock. I did that while I was reserving the UBox for my stuff. That’s on the 8th… Again, so close… so many mixed emotions.

 

Because the end is coming so soon I’ve been trying to find closure with some of the people in my life. I’ve reached out to Jarrett twice to see if I could say goodbye to him in person. He hasn’t responded to my messages so I’m guessing that’s not going to happen. I did what I could so I have not regrets or residual feelings. It would have been nice to wish him well in life and to not have animosity between us for the break up. He’s another ex who owes me roughly $1000.

 

I tried to reach out to Chad as well. I don’t think I ever wrote about him. He was prominent in my life while I was dating Corey. In the timeline of my dating life that was before Warren #2 (the second time), before Jarrett, before Sir, before Zane. Chad and I never dated, but there was undeniable chemistry between us which we both felt. Which I ignored. It’s one of the things I wonder on sometimes. What would have happened if we had dated? There was / is a lot between us and I wanted to reach out to him and let him know even though we haven’t talked in years that he was an important person in my life. I wanted to say goodbye to him in person. I haven’t heard back from him though, so I guess that’s not going to happen either.

 

Again, I tried everything I could to facilitate a meeting. If it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t happen. I can only do my best.

 

I saw Zane yesterday. That led to mixed emotions. He had a few thing I needed to pick up from the apartment; a blanket my mom had bought me while I was a freshmen in high school, Scarlet’s flea comb, and a tablet pen and well that I need to return to the school during my exit interview on Friday.

 

I had stopped by after going to the gym yesterday. He wasn’t home and I was ok with that. I had forgotten to stop by the bank, though. We went over our data usage again because of me listening to Spotify, which I don’t regret or feel bad for. If we go over I pay the overage fee. So I needed to leave money at the apartment for the payment and had forgotten to go to the bank first. It wasn’t on my to-do list.

 

By the time I got back to the apartment Zane was walking in with the groceries he had gotten. I know he saw me pull up. It was frustrating and I feel disrespectful how he kept walking away from me. Looking back on it, he most likely didn’t know I had already been to the apartment and gotten my things. He most likely thought that I still had to come inside. But I didn’t. I wanted to hand him the money and leave and instead I had to “chase” him into the apartment to give it to him.

 

He was extremely nice and friendly to me and the whole time all I could think of was how he yelled and cursed at me on the phone last Saturday. How he had Sara over while I was in Vegas and lied to me about it. How he admitted to taking advantage of my need for human contact. How he had wanted to “be my friend.”

 

I couldn’t be nice back, so instead I was quiet.

 

When he wished me a good day I turned and left, not saying anything in return. I didn’t wish him a good day. I wish him nothing. I’m still too angry and hurt. I don’t wish anything negative anymore but I guess I’m still too low to wish him a happy life because I don’t feel like someone who can be that inconsiderate, that selfish, deserves happiness. I feel like he should feel the pain he put me through, that he put Nic through, that he’s most likely going to put Sara through. I want him to understand what it feels like. And maybe that’s selfishness on my part.

 

I don’t know. That’s where I am with that right now. There shouldn’t be another reason for me to see him again aside from signing paperwork. I’m giving him until Friday to switch his phone over to his own account. If not then I’m going to send a reminder about it, explaining the only options I have available are to disconnect the line which would terminate his service.

 

Anywho…

 

Seeing him led to all sorts of mixed up feelings. I came back to the extended stay and cried a little. I wrote, which helped. Afterwards I went to Sir’s place and watched Batman Bad Blood and last week’s Game of Thrones episode. I was pretty ok with everything that happened. I love the Hound.

 

I don’t think a whole lot is going to happen today. I have the storage unit to take care of. Currently waiting on the guy to call me, but that shouldn’t be until around 10ish. I have work at 1pm. At some point I want to go to the gym. I need to run to the grocery store for a few things, but nothing overly major.

 

I think I’m going to set my computer up and get a controller so I can play Witcher III. I think that will give me something to occupy my time with. Something I actually want to be doing. I’ve kicked the idea of cross stitching around, but I don’t have it in my at the moment.

 

Today is the first official day of summer. It doesn’t feel different in Florida. There isn’t an energy shift. It’s been “summer” for months.

 

Oh. Something else that happened. I got contacts. I’m not going to wear them constantly. Only when I’m at the gym or doing crazy taekwondo / aikido stuff. I figured it would be beneficial to my glasses to not put them in harms way.

 

So I guess this is a public service announcement… foreign objects on your eyeballs feel weird. >.<

 

That’s about it though. Going to go finish my coffee and shower so I can get the day started. Looking forward to killing me some ghouls and bandits.

Daily Post 119: A Truce for Now

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Today has started. I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Not productive. Not energetic. I’m awake and I feel like that should count towards something.

 

After writing last night I slept roughly 12 hours. I woke up a handful of times but wasn’t conscious for very long. It was night. It was dark. There was no reason to be awake even though I had gone to sleep so early. I allowed myself to slip back into sleep. I didn’t give myself crap for sleeping. I embraced it, willed it, and enjoyed the thought of not worrying about anything. Whatever there was could wait. Would wait. This was what I wanted to do.

 

And now I’m awake. Not really early, but before noon. Extra points for that one maybe?

 

There’s not much to do today and so I’m left sort of trying to figure out what I want to do with myself.

 

I’ve done the dishes already. The plastic-ware really. Since I’m in the extended stay I got plastic containers to keep food in along with plastic silverware. I enjoy doing dishes by hand, so I’m not put off by not having a dishwasher. It’s been a little hard to care over the past week, though. The plastic-ware sat in the sink since I don’t remember when. Most likely about a week.

 

Each time I passed by the sink I would think I should clean them. And I wouldn’t. Why should I? There was this layer of apathy over everything. The clothes haven’t been put away yet. An empty water bottle has sat on my nightstand for days.

 

I don’t think anything has really changed inside of the landscape of my mind. I am still batting around the thought of, “It is not my place to feel ashamed.”

 

I feel like a cat and the thought is a little plastic ball with a bell inside. The thought keeps my attention as I pass it back and forth between my paws, my attention laser focused but not really sure what to do.

 

I got out of bed. I did what I needed to do in Dragonvale, a game I started a month or so before mom’s hospitalization. I’ve kept playing it, maybe not as hardcore as I did in the beginning, but it’s been something my brain can poke at. A distraction at times. So yeah, I cleared out all of my coins, grew new food, and hatched all of my eggs. I got another Jet dragon. It would be nice to get a fourth so I have even numbers still. Three is just so weird. All odd numbers are weird… except five. Five is ok in my book.

 

I charged my laptop since it had died during the night. I washed the dishes so I could have a clean cup for my coffee. I’m currently sipping at it as I type. At the moment I am boiling eggs so I can make tuna.

 

I’m happy with what I’ve been able to do so far today, but it’s still before noon and I know I really aught to do more with my time. With myself.

 

I guess this is as good a place as any to figure it out. I feel low energy today. So what are low energy things I can do?

 

I want to do yoga at the gym today. I want to do one of the routines that I don’t currently have on my phone so I’ll need to transfer it. I want to do a morning routine, a wake up routine. Something soft and gentle. I think I would like to go running after that. Last time I ran I shaved a minute off my run time. It’s the first time that I’ve “improved” since before mom died. I’ve been so sporadic with going to the gym and what I actually do while I’m there that I was surprised I had only slipped back to my 20 minute pace. The best I’ve ever done was 14 minutes I think. Maybe only 15, but still, the point is I know I can do better. I have done better.

 

There’s a part of me that wants to disregard my 19 minute pace. But I’m not going to. Yeah. I have done better in the past. But you know what, I’m not in the past. I’m here, and here I was doing 20 minute miles and last time I did a 19. I’m not going to turn a blind eye to improvement, even if it is small. We all start somewhere and sometimes we have to start over. It was the first “good” run I felt like I’ve done since mom died. It was good to feel sore and like I pushed myself. It was good to see that effort reflected in my time.

 

So yeah… some gentle yoga to warm up, then a run. Maybe I’ll sit in the sauna as a reward before showering and getting lunch at my sports bar. I want to put the clothes away finally. I need to call the bank I had my old car loan through. I need the address to send the promissory note.

 

I also told Sir and Em I would come over tonight / today. Maybe that could be around dinner time. Maybe I could con them into watching last weeks Game of Thrones episode since I still haven’t seen it. It will be nice to cuddle with Scarlet since I haven’t spent much time with her. I miss my cat cuddles.

 

I feel like I’m sitting today. Not standing, not running, not fighting, not falling to the ground, bloodied and beaten.

 

I feel clean, washed and bandaged. I feel tired, but not heavy. More of a soul weary type of tired. I feel as if I’m under a tree, the sun filtering down through the leaves, warm against my skin. I feel like I’m recovering, observing. I don’t want to move much. I don’t want to do much. I want to sit and enjoy what I can from where I’m at. I’m content to not be out in the field running, playing. I’m content to sit quietly on my own and ponder over things. I’m content with getting lost in my head as I gaze out over the things around me and being left relatively alone, undisturbed. No obligations. No requirements. Just peace.

 

I don’t know. Maybe that’s where I’m at. Content. Though, even as I type that I know the  word doesn’t feel right inside of my head. There’s a happiness to that word which I don’t feel. Maybe accord is better. A truce inside of my head. There’s no war. No fighting. There’s stillness.

 

I’m sure the confliction will return. I know there are still hard days in my future. But today… today it is sunny outside. Today is another day of summer. Today I might not do much, but I will do and right now that’s enough for me. I will enjoy my day of accord and continue to take things one day at a time.

Daily Post 118: Finding Myself

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I’m at work early because I’m supposed to do grading but I have the urge to write so I’m going to do that first.

 

It’s nice to feel like this. To have the urge to actually type things out and to process through things. It’s nice to not feel a pain inside my chest at the thought of figuring things out. I think a lot of that has to do with my therapy session yesterday. I think a lot of it has to do with recent events and how I’m starting to find things to look forward to. It’s not just a day to day existence anymore.

 

I may not have life goals yet. I haven’t gotten that far in my recovery, but I find myself genuinely smiling at the thought of the future. Things seem to be going well, and even though mom isn’t here to enjoy the forward progress with me, I know that she would be happy for me. She would smile with me and be glad.

 

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be signed off the lease for the apartment. That will be the last massive, ginormous step I have to take as far as the personal side of my life goes. It’s the last step that really requires other people. Past that it will be making sure Zane’s cool with me switching the phone plan over into his name so I can ditch Verizon for MetroPCS again.

 

I’m nervous about it. I don’t think he’s going to be a jerk tomorrow. I think he’s going to be overly sweet and try to get me to hang out. He’s going to try for the “friends” thing, and while I normally do try to maintain a friendship with my exs, this is one instance where I would rather move on. I’m not going to want to hang out. I’m not going to want to chitchat and let him know what’s been going on in my life. I didn’t invite him to my super awesome laser tag going away party for a reason. I want to finalize what I need to and be done with it.

 

I booked a room at an extended stay for the next 28 days. I check in at 3pm today. There’s a mini kitchen and a full sized fridge. I haven’t been there but the pictures look nice. There’s a bed. I seriously cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to having a bed to sleep on. I’m hoping the window lets in a nice amount of light. I’m thinking about taking my computer out of storage and setting it up in the room, space permitting. I’ve already chatted with a few friends. They’re going to let me borrow some of their extra kitchen stuff so I don’t have to go out and buy much of anything. That will be nice. I plan to return it before I leave for Vegas.

 

I want to make stuffed tomatoes for dinner tomorrow. With everything going on today I doubt I’ll be up for cooking or doing much by the time I’m actually able to spend any amount of time at the room.

 

I want to go to the gym after checking in. I need to run by Best Buy first though. The other day I bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones. With all of the kickboxing things I’ve been doing, having wired headphones gets annoying. The wire gets flung into my face or fucks with the motion of my punches. It’s distracting and throws off my groove. So I thought I would give Bluetooth a try.

 

The ones I have are alright… They stay on fine… But they feel sort of weird, and they’re not noise canceling so the sound is different. More airy. And that in itself is distracting. My brain keeps focusing on how it “doesn’t sound right,” even though it’s fine.

 

$100 is a lot to spend to only be “aright” with something. I want to see if any of the other styles / brands work better for me. So yeah, if I get to the gym today Best Buy will most likely happen first.

 

I need to go grocery shopping since I don’t have any coffee creamer. I used the last of it this morning. I’m looking forward to having my morning routine back. Cooking eggs and sitting with my coffee at the table pondering over my day and how to map things out so I’m most efficient. It’s going to be the weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll go to the storage unit and pull out things like my water filter, the computer, maybe go through my clothes again and pull out a few of my nicer tops since V and I want to meet again.

 

I think my date, because that’s what I’m going to call it, went really well the other night. I enjoyed myself. I laughed. I cried. I felt nervous. I felt acceptance. I was asked about the last time I had sex and was able to tell someone that story and begin letting go of those emotions.

 

I explained how I had felt really alone one of the mornings I had to take Zane to work. How we had cuddled in bed for a little bit. Things turned sexual and it was fine until the end.

 

I don’t know what it’s like for other people, but sometimes, when it’s over, I feel empty. Like… my partner has taken something from me, some energy, but hasn’t replaced it with anything else. Nothing has been given back. There wasn’t an exchange or a connection. It leaves me feeling cold, and… well… empty. Something is missing. I don’t feel connected and blissful, and warm, even if I am able to orgasm. There’s something about the interaction that is unfulfilling on an extremely deep and emotional level and it usually leaves me feeling alienated and alone.

 

That’s what it was like after Zane and I had sex the last time. The loneliness I had already been feeling intensified and it took a lot to hold it together. He knew that I wasn’t ok and asked what was wrong. I answered saying that it had felt good, but that I didn’t feel connected to him, I felt used, and I didn’t understand why and that I was sorry for feeling the way I did. Maybe it was just my grief messing up the experiences.

 

His reply was that he had been horny and “basically just needed a cumrag.” He said he knew I had wanted attention and that he took advantage of that.

 

I had been willing to try for friendship even with all of the shit that went down while mom was in the hospital and after her death. I was willing to let go of the betrayal of having another girl in what was supposed to be “our” bed, and accepting the fact that the sheets most likely weren’t washed when we tried cuddling the Saturday night that I got back to Orlando.

 

I was willing to let go of a lot of things because he “wanted to be friends”.

 

My friends don’t treat me like that. That wasn’t friendship. Taking advantage of my need for human interaction and closeness isn’t loving or caring. It’s manipulative. It’s fucked up, and I’m done with it. Point blank, end of story, I’m done.

 

I got to tell V about that experience and how it had made me feel. He didn’t say much about it. He let me cry. He hugged me while I did. He didn’t try to make it better because it’s not like anyone can go back and undo the past.

 

I’m still moving to Vegas. I’m still going to focus on myself. None of my plans have changed, but I’m grateful to V for making me feel like a human. For making me feel like I’m worth respect.

 

So there’s that. It was good to work through those emotions. It makes me feel like Zane doesn’t have power over me. The only way he can make me feel bad is if I let him. He isn’t going to change and I’m tired of being hurt. So it’s done. And as soon as the lease is taken care of I know I’ll feel that much freer from him, with the final cut being the phone plan.

 

Therapy was a lot of about my younger brother. He’s trying to come to Full Sail. Since I’m an alumnus and a staff member (for the moment at least) I can nominate him for a scholarship worth up to $40k. I’m looking into that. Currently waiting on an email from his admissions representative so we can see what needs to happen since Jon is currently over in Germany.

 

I feel stronger today than I have in a while. Still sort of tired and low energy. But strong. Stable. Solid.

 

In therapy the conversation turned to how I am doing so much better than when I first started my sessions. I said that it feels like I’m finding myself again, and for some reason that statement hurt and I started crying. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears running down my face and I didn’t know why. The statement hurt, but finding myself should be a good thing, right? So why was I crying?

 

I said that moving forward moves me further away from mom’s physical form. To me, the more “ok” I am, the further away from the moment of her death I become. The knee-jerk jump in my thoughts is, the further away I am from that moment, the further away I am from her.

 

I know that’s not true. The further away from that moment I become, the closer to her spiritual presence I become. Our relationship isn’t over, it’s just different. But there is some part of me, some section of my brain that cries out in anguish whenever I think about moving forward. I think about every new accomplishment I want to achieve. Belt testing for taekwondo. Becoming a CNA. Running another Warrior Dash.

 

I think of all of these things and what it would be like to accomplish them and part of me screams in pain because those thoughts are almost instantly followed with the thought of “Mom won’t be there.”

 

That thought feels like having something punched through my chest. It’s not a cut. It’s not a sharp pain. It’s a gaping hole of agony and normally the only thing I can do is vocalize that pain. I scream as loud as I can in my car. I cry. I grip the steering wheel so hard my hands hurt because there’s nothing for me to tear apart or punch or thrash. I scream over and over and over until the pain is finally bearable and my voice is so raw I can’t talk. I scream until it’s finally something I can simply cry over, and then I cry and whimper and sound like a beaten animal because that’s what I feel like. And then… eventually… I’m quiet and exhausted and spent and there’s a stillness inside me. A peace. An acceptance. And normally I go home and sleep. I have nothing left in me to give to anything else after those moments.

 

My mom won’t be there, physically, for any of the achievements in my life. She won’t be there to wrap her arms around me. She won’t be there to do the “I told you so” dance when I do fantastic. She won’t be there to wink at me, or smile, or for her eyes to dance and glitter with happiness for me.

 

Mom will never physically be here ever again.

 

But she’s not gone and I have so many instances to prove that. The one that comes to mind the strongest is the night I slept curled around her urn. I know she was there. I know she was holding me, and even now I can feel her presence behind me like a slight weight on my shoulders.

 

I know that my knee jerk thought of “Mom isn’t here,” isn’t the thought I truly believe. It’s a reactive thought. And for me, it’s an unhealthy thought.

 

So yeah… that’s where I’m at today. I’m finding myself again. In the landscape of my mind I’ve started for find pieces of myself and I’ve started to put them back where they belong. I’m looking at things and questioning if I want to keep them or not. Change them, maybe?

 

What do I want?

 

I still don’t know, but I’m figuring it out and that gives me some sort of resolve I guess. I’ve started doing it, so I know it can be done. It makes me feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’m on my feet again, and knowing that I’m making progress, that my journey isn’t over, makes me feel secure in myself.

 

I’ll make it through this and I’m finally starting to believe those words.

Daily Post 113: The Return to Work

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Written last night. Posted this morning. 

It feels slightly odd to be typing, doing a daily post. It’s not the same like it was before. It doesn’t feel wrong, but like so many other things in my day to day life, it’s different. There’s a weight that wasn’t there before. A realness.

 

Part of me feels like prattling about my daily life is meaningless. Shallow. And another part of me thinks that it’s therapeutic. Healthy. Healing.

 

I got a lot done today. I didn’t have a single cigarette. I didn’t have the drink that I thought I was going to need / want either.

 

I’ve been watching The Future Dairy with Sir and Em. It’s an amazing show, right up there with Ergo Proxy and Attack on Titan.

 

I got caught up on all of my emails, and blog comments, and posts that I haven’t been reading. I checked my work email and figured out my schedule since I go back to work tomorrow. It’s not too bad this month. Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays 11am to 3pm. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays 5pm to 9pm.

 

I plan to do the gym thing in the mornings. I’m going to have to condition to get back to where I was. I may do strength in the morning at the gym and finish off the day with cardio here at the apartment. I’m not going to be biking to work so I’m going to have to get those seven miles in somehow. >.<;

 

Sir and I took a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. He just moved into a new apartment with Em, so there was stuff to get rid of… like the five computer monitors he’s had since we were dating. I mean seriously… five? You need five? >.>

 

So that was fun. We got money from an ATM then went to do laundry. Of course we got there and realized we had left the apartment without any laundry detergent… So we had to go back and get that. We ended up going to a different laundry mat. One that was closer to the apartment rather than the Goodwill.

 

While the clothes were drying I went to the store to get some things I needed for lunches and dinner. Em had gone to some sort of social function. I know zombies were involved but that’s about it. She ended up coming back home and picked Sir up while I was at the store.

 

I cooked shrimp scampi for dinner, pre-cooked bacon for my breakfasts, made tuna for lunches and continued watching The Future Diary. I folded and organized all of my clothing. I’ve prepped for tomorrow, making sure I have everything squared away. I’ve written my to-do list already. I’ve brushed my teeth.

 

I feel like I’ve done a lot while still keeping things low key. Zane and I hadn’t talked at all today until about 30 minutes ago. He said Uke might continue to pay rent, which would help things for him. I had been told he was going to move out once he left to join the Navy. I guess we’ll see.

 

As far as a daily post that’s about it.

 

I’m tired. Tomorrow I think is going to be hard. I’m going to have to talk to Frank. I’m going to have to go back to work. I’ve been to the break room already, but this is the first time I’ll be there to actually work. I don’t know why it feels different in my head, but it does.

 

Maybe it’s because there will be obligations and expectations. I can handle it though. And if it becomes too much I can excuse myself and step out to the bathroom or something. I’m not trapped. That’s the key thing to remember. I can leave. I can breathe.

 

One step at a time. One chore at a time. I’m not obligated to get everything done tomorrow. They’re just ideas. Sort of like a wish list. Whatever I get done is amazing.

 

And with that I guess I’ll turn in for the night and try not to worry too much about tomorrow.

Daily Post 111: Coping

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Mornings are the hardest part of the day it seems. I think that’s because in the morning nothing has started yet. I’m not busy yet. The to-do list hasn’t begun to roll. I’m alone with my thoughts.

 

Everything is heavy in the morning.

 

The past few days I haven’t had any pots or pans for cooking so there’s not breakfast / morning routine. We got rid of all of mom’s things because we thought I would be going back to Orlando. During my trip to LA that changed, though. I’m staying in mom’s apartment, which I’m actually ok with.

 

Today I went out and got a new ceramic pot set since Zane will be keeping the one I just got. I got a knife set finally. I got new dishes from Walmart along with a set of cups. I got a welcome mat for the front door. While I was having dinner at my brother’s house Lio offered to let me have some lamps she was going to get rid of, along with a three-tiered plant holder since she remembered me mentioning wanting to have an herb garden.

 

I’ve rearranged the cabinets in the kitchen three times now, trying to find the flow of things. I bought coat hangers so I’m not living out of my gym bag anymore. Not that I really have much with me. It will be nice to have all of my workout stuff again.

 

I found a dojo that I’m most likely going to be joining. Well… technically it is a dojang, but yeah… it’s a school for taekwondo. I looked for an aikido dojo, but all of the ones I found online were about an hour’s drive from me. Taekwondo isn’t my first choice, but it is an extremely close second.

 

I think this dojang will be what I’m looking for. The grandmaster was extremely nice. I like the fact she’s a girl, and maybe that’s sexist of me, but right now it is appreciated.

 

It’s still hard sometimes, and I know that I haven’t fully allowed myself to grieve. We still don’t have mom back. We haven’t spread her ashes yet. There’s still so many people to talk to, and things to coordinate, and places to go, and stuff to pack, and all of these “things” that need to get done. I haven’t had much time to myself even though I’m in the apartment “alone” most of the time. So much communicating. Sometimes I don’t have it in me and I just let the phone go to voice mail. Whatever it is will still be there later after I’m not burnt out on saying the same things over and over.

 

“Yes, it was sudden for all of us… Thank you for your condolences… No, there’s nothing we need at the moment…”

 

I feel like a broken record sometimes. Most of the time. A side-effect is that I’m sort of numb to the information now. It’s just words. Facts. Logic. They don’t hurt me like they did a week ago. They don’t claw into my chest, dragging out my heart in sliced ribbons. Overly dramatic, but pretty accurate on the pain scale.

 

One of my friends who has also lost his mom said that one positive side, nothing will ever hurt me the way this does, so everything else pretty much just rolls off like water.

 

Jon and I hashed a bit of stuff out. Zane and I did, too. That was most of this morning. Fighting and apologizing. On both sides. It takes two after all. I’m still not going back to live in Orlando. I might be able to get extended leave with work for up to 12 weeks. I’m waiting on the HR person to call me back since we’re playing phone tag.

 

I guess I’m just writing to write at this point. It feels good to sit down and list positive things that have happened. It’s been one week. I’ve gone to the gym three times. I ran a little over a mile today. It’s the first time I’ve run in over a month I’m sure. It burned, but I make it through all of my intervals. Go me.

 

I’m alive. I’m coping. I’m “learning to me” as Mama Spike would say. And I think right now that’s what I need the most. Tomorrow is tentatively a soul search day. I have to figure out who I am now. I’m no longer a teacher. I’m no longer a daughter even though I still have my dad. I only feel mildly guilty for saying he doesn’t count since he hasn’t been a part of my life for so long. I’m no longer a student, at least not as far as earning a second degree goes. I’m not longer a lover to someone since the relationship with Zane is over.

 

My life has changed so much. So who am I now? Who do I want to be?

 

Totally not up for that much brain power right now. Maybe tomorrow. But… for now, it’s shower time and then bed time. There weren’t dreams about spiders last night. Hopefully tonight is another dreamless night.

Daily Post 109: A Good Day

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Wrote this last night
but didn’t get around to posting until this morning. 

 

I’m tired. I’m with mom. She’s sleeping.

 

Today has been a good day for her. While I was gone, while my brothers were with her, she was able to get up and walk. She’s been approved to have cups of water and ice chips.

 

I have road maps for what I need to do next. Social security is something I need to get the ball rolling on. It’s possible there is home care stuff available which would help pay for me to stay with mom once she leaves the hospital. There are things to look into. Steps to take. I’m good at that. I’m good at getting things taken care of.

 

I made tuna earlier today so there’s food. I’ve eaten twice today which is more than I have been. I had a bottle of water, too. It’s been over a week since I’ve done any sort of exercise, but I could care less at the moment.

 

At least, I would care less except my muscles are reminding me that I’m not using them. They’re sore from sitting and sleeping in a hospital chair for so many hours so many days in a row. I hadn’t realized just how sore I was until I took the time to use coconut oil these past two days. The act of massaging and rubbing the stiffness out of my muscles made me realize that just because I’m not working out doesn’t mean they aren’t tensed up.

 

I’ve had some amazing conversations with Mother Earth. She helped to silence some of the evil voices in my head. The ones telling me that I’m not doing enough. My mom’s friend Aunt Brenda has helped with that, too. She said my mom would be proud of me. She said I come from a long line of strong women, and that I am strong just like them.

 

This event has caused me to reconnect with so many people in my life. Even my dad. At least a little bit. I let him know what has been going on. I keep him updated the same with everyone else. I doubt we’ll re-bond over this, but we still know the other exists.

 

Tomorrow should be a bit of a slower day. A more normal day. I have things like “do laundry” on the list. Check the mail. Figure out trash pick up. With mom doing so much better it feels like the worst part, the most uncertain part, is mostly over. Now that the fall is over we can begin the slow track up the path of recovery.

 

As I showered earlier, standing under the hot water, I realized how much easier I was breathing. I noticed that I was actually still breathing, and living, and how so was mom, and how much everyone has helped support me and my family.

 

As I stood in my mom’s kitchen using her cast-iron skillet to cook my breakfast I realized maybe this situation isn’t so awful. The family is together again, something we all have wanted, but haven’t made a priority.

 

I didn’t feel as lost because last night mom finally sounded like mom again. A very sick and weak mom, but my mom. Not a drugged patient. I needed. So much. I needed to hear her answer my question, “Do you know who I am?” with her slight eye roll of, “Jennifer.” As if to say, “Of course I know who you are. What type of question is that?”

 

I’ve taken care of a few of the procedures for the nurses tonight. I’ve watched them over the past few days and have learned how to care for mom so I don’t feel like a useless bystander anymore. I can write down numbers on the chart as we track different outputs. I’m learning how to read blood pressures and what numbers are ok and what ones we want to watch for.

 

I’m hoping when mom wakes up we can talk more about me moving to Vegas so I can get the ball rolling in that court as well. I might not be able to do much for a little bit, but I want to make sure, 100% sure, that mom is ok with me moving in with her. We joked about it all the time when we would talk on the phone, but it would mean a lot to me and make me more comfortable to hear her confirmation one more time.

 

The past week is catching up to me. I’ve slept most of the morning / afternoon. At least I think I have. And still I’m tired. It’s quiet here. There’s no beeping tonight for low oxygen saturation levels. The lights are low. There’s just the sound of mom breathing. The most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My own personal lullaby as I hold her hand while she sleeps.

Daily Post 103: Pre-Meeting

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I have a meeting later today with a former teacher, the one I had for my Culture and Society class. I originally reached out to a colleague and friend, Robin, to get her perspective. Since she heads up a totally different department she reasoned that finding someone within the graphics program would be better. Since I felt unable to talk to my teacher, another person that I trusted would be good.

 

After spending some time thinking about it I realized who better to ask than someone who has a degree in ethics? I emailed Marie yesterday asking if it would be possible to meet with her about the situation. She remembered me from her class back in September. That made me feel warm and fuzzy so I think this meeting will be what I’m hoping for.

 

Unbiased, non-confrontational, safe, open, honest.

 

After the meeting I think I will have a better understanding of not only my emotions, but how I want to move forward with the plagiarism situation.

 

I suppose “knowing what to do” is sort of silly. I’ve already started the homework for this week. I’m halfway through the exercise, part way through the reading, and have already written and posted for the group discussion. I’m going to keep going through with the class, so it’s sort of pointless to say, “I don’t know what I want to do.” I’m going to drop kick this course in the face because how dare it insult my honor.

 

I guess a more accurate statement is, “I don’t know what to do with these emotions.”

 

Do I want to hold onto these feelings of  betrayal and hurt? Do I want to be angry every time I see this person’s face because he is now my enemy?

 

No. Not really. That sounds like a lot of effort, and I wish I could say that my instructor’s opinion doesn’t matter, but at the moment it does otherwise I wouldn’t still be in a tizzy over this. My work didn’t earn more than a cookie-cutter response. My work wasn’t truly looked at. At least I don’t think it was since nothing was mentioned about my creative brief which explained my thought process in depth. I feel slighted, and that’s what keeps stinging when I think of the situation.

 

Maybe with Marie’s perspective I can find acceptance with myself. I don’t like how I have made my instructor the target for my anger and hurt. I don’t like thinking negatively of a person, and I’ve started to use him specifically to personify the situation. He’s just doing his job, just like when I report suspicious files to Clavan when I think students are cheating.

 

According to this one specific rubric in this one particular moment in time this is what my file earned me. I get that. Logically, I have no feelings either way because it’s fact. Truth. And I know this grade, this situation, doesn’t define who I am.

 

Emotionally I’m still standing in the middle of my brain, a five year old child, crying over how, “It’s not fair.”

 

Jesus, could you just move past that phrase? Do I need to come over there and beat you with a dictionary so you can whine in a way that’s at least mentally stimulating? Maybe that will be a new game for me. Seeing how many different ways I can come with to say, “It’s not fair.” At least that would be constructive.

 

Anyway, the meeting is at 3pm, so I’m leaving here around 2 so I have time to bike there, cool off so I’m not a sweaty mess, and print a few things out to take to the meeting. I also want to make sure I have my files easily accessible so I can show Marie the work I did. Maybe all I need to a sympathetic ear. Someone within the program to say, “Yeah, that sucks. I’m sorry. But you know what? You’re still an awesome person who does good work. Keep it up. You’ll be ok.”

 

Positive reinforcement. So much better than, “We can pretend this didn’t happen or you can get expelled. The choice is yours.”

 

Out of all of the things that I see students do and get away with. Out of everyone with a crappy work ethic and poor time management skills and thoughtlessness and crappy attitudes… and I’m the one who  get threatened with expulsion over something that’s so subjective that not even our legal system is exactly sure how to prosecute some of the  cases. We really need better copy right laws…

 

Whole ‘nother tangent though. And I’m pretty done typing about this for now. If nothing else, I’m looking forward to finally meeting Marie. She was one of my favorite instructors so far.

 

I was super productive in lab yesterday. I had my handy-dandy notebook which I cleaned out. It used to be a Friday ritual. Go to my sports bar for lunch, clean my computer, clean my notebook, prep for the weekend, write a weekly recap. I haven’t done that in months now, mostly because I bike everywhere and I’m not going to bike after eating a heavy meal of wings. That sounds like a terribly horrific idea. I haven’t found a replacement routine though, and with all of the moving going on there really hasn’t been a normal week in a while. At least it doesn’t feel like it.

 

I’m enjoying the living situation. Mornings are quit. Hannah usually wakes up around 11am. At first things were a little tense. She’s extroverted and enjoys talking and socializing in the morning. She wants me to hangout in the living room while we both work on our computers. She wants to be “around people.”

 

The introvert in me didn’t know how to handle the change in the beginning. I assumed “being around people” meant constant talking. I assumed it meant that my morning time was gone forever and that I would never get silence. But that’s not how things are. If I sit in the living room we may talk for five to fifteen minutes, but then we fall into silence, Hannah working and me staring off into space, petting one of the cats, sipping my coffee. In general, enjoying the silence.

 

It also helps that since I go into work so late, Hannah leaves before me and I still get the true alone time that I want.

 

We’re all finding our rhythm. I think Hannah is learning to tone it down a bit, and I’m learning that not every social interaction is a death sentence.

 

Scarlet got a bath yesterday so she was an adorable ball of rage. She’s stumbling more and that hurts me to see. I want to be able to do something for her. I want her to not be in pain because I think she is. And this is going to take a depressing turn for a moment but these emotions are there and I need to spill them onto the page.

 

I’m worried that one day I’m going to take her to the vet and they are going to tell me she’s terminally ill, or something along those lines. I can see the situation in my head where I’m told that the humane thing to do would be to put her down, and my heart breaks at the thought. How could I make that decision? How could I knowingly end the life of my companion of 15 years? What type of person would that make me?

 

I’m worried that as the days keep passing by that she’ll have a harder time walking to the food and water dishes, that she won’t be able to jump up into her chair, which already takes a lot of effort from her. I’m worried she’ll hurt even more when I pick her up to place her in her sunny spot to bask. I’m worried she won’t be able to step over the small lip of the litter pan to use the restroom.

 

I’m worried that she’ll stroke out, or have some other horrific death and I’ll be there, watching, helpless, unable to ease her pain or take away her fear as it happens. I’m worried that it will happen while I’m away at work and she’ll be alone.

 

It’s a lot like how I fear for my mom now. This constant nagging the in back of my head that I can’t do anything with other than ignore, but it is a fear that’s always there. Every time my mom doesn’t answer the phone. Every time Scarlet stumbles. They’re reminders that the people (we’ll just say cats are people and keep going) I love are mortal and that I am powerless to change that fact.

 

I love them so much. So incredibly much. But everything has a balance and so when the time comes I know that there is going to be an equal amount of pain and I don’t know how I will survive it. Hannah asked me shortly after she moved in what I was going to do when Scarlet passed and I replied with, “I’m going to be depressed for a very long time.” Because that’s the truth. A part of me will die with her, and I know there are people out there who think that’s silly, stupid. It’s just a cat.

 

But she’s not, “just a cat.” Just like my mom isn’t,” just a person.” She’s my cat. She’s my mom. They are important to me. They have been there for me, and I don’t know how I’ll function when they’re not there anymore. And the little reminders of the inevitable are like daggers in my chest.

 

So yeah, that was a long depressing tangent. I’m more ok with these feelings of  helpless mortality than I am  with the feeling of having my honor spat upon though, so even though it sounds like I’m going to break apart, and I most likely will when it happens, I’ll be better able to deal with it because it’s life. It’s natural, and I’ll figure out how to keep going.

 

This past weekend was pretty awesome and busy. I mentioned a little bit about my thrift shopping and how I was a badass MF for finding an amazing microwave for $15. I really like the dish set I got as well. They’re dark blue and black dishes with a mezzo-American design on them. I got two shelves and a spice rack as well. One of the shelves I drilled holes into and added hooks to make my own key ring shelf since Trevor owns the one that we’ve been using at the apartment. I felt pretty savvy for being able to visualize it and then turn it into reality.

 

Zane and I also went to Walmart for most of the grocery shopping and more apartment stuff. I got the Green+Life pot set. I’ve had the skillet set for a while now, and I absolutely love them.  They’re ceramic skillets so they clean super, ridiculously easy while still being a healthy cooking option.

 

I try not to be “that guy (girl?)” who shoves my thoughts onto other people. So while I am way more health conscious than I was  when I first moved out of my mom’s place I try to keep it to myself mostly. I’ll make my opinion known in a conversation if it comes up, but I don’t go around poo-pooing on other people for not having the same mentality as me.

 

I did some research when I was first in the market for dishware, and it led me to having a belief that cast iron and ceramic are the best ways to go. After  testing the Green+Life skillets I can say that I love the brand and that for the past year, if not longer, they have held up wonderfully and that when  given the chance to get the pot set I pounced on it so hard,  clinging it to sort of like this…

 

526642

 

I think we all know I have issues though, so it’s cool.

 

We also got a pretty amazing bathroom set. The curtain is a beautiful bright green, yellow, and brown color palette, with matching curtain hangers in the shape of leaves. We got a gray memory foam bath mat to go with it. We would have gotten two, ok… I would have gotten two. One for in front of the shower and one for in front of the sink, but there was only one mat. I’m going to see if there are more in stock over the weekend since I really would enjoy having another one.

 

I also want to take a second to say having a walk-in shower is amazing and I didn’t realize I missed having one in my life. It made bathing Scarlet so much easier.

 

The room is coming along. Zane still has two boxes to go through but our weekends have been so busy that I haven’t wanted to bother him about it. If I’m tired by the end of the day I know he is, and the same for during the week. After dealing with people all day I know he doesn’t want to spend a lot of time going  through papers by himself, and I don’t get home until  1am to keep him company. I was lucky to get and grateful for the 15 minutes of quality time I got last night. And waking up at 6:30 this morning got me another 10 minutes. I miss him and it’s only Tuesday… Lame…

 

Zane was super awesome and did the dishes for me last night.

 

Not really anything else to say at the moment. I’ve had breakfast. About to be done with my blog… I need to put the clothes away still but since it’s nice and bright outside I’m pretty sure I’m awake and ready to take on the day. I may go to the gym before my meeting.

 

Oh. I guess that’s something else that happened. I went to the gym on Saturday and tired a new Nike Training Club routine. It was  a HIIT workout, so it was only 10 minutes, but damn, that was an intense 10 minutes, and afterwards I did all of my thrift shopping.

 

I also had a conversation with RB on the phone. Maybe I’ll start using SirRandius as his code name. It’s complicated still but I’m glad we were able to salvage our friendship. We still have awkward moments, or at least I do because I’m finicky, but I think it’s getting better. It’s been over a year. You would think  I would be able to not be an  emotional mess…

 

Anyway, I guess I should go make my to-do list so I can  be ready for my meeting and figure  out what else  I want to get done today. I don’t know why, but I feel like today will be alright. I feel like I’ll be ok.

Daily Post 101: The Abandoned Notebook

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Arg. I feel almost crippled. I just realized that I don’t have my notebook with me. I left it in my book bag at school. My notebook is my life… it’s my order. My taskmaster… how am I supposed to get anything done if I don’t have my notebook to write down my to-do list in? How could I have forgotten such an important aspect of my life?

 

In my head it’s like leaving my child unattended in a car in the middle of summer with the windows rolled up. I’m a terrible human being for abandoning my poor notebook.

 

I will make due with spare paper, but it won’t be the same. It will feel wrong and inferior until I bike to school and reunite with my lost love.

 

Ok… enough with the being overly dramatic. Still, it’s a dampener on my relatively late morning. I don’t know why I slept so long. I woke up several times during the morning, saw that it was bright and sunny, and proceed to roll over and go back to sleep. I didn’t get up until around 11. I just had breakfast and am working on my coffee. I had thought to begin writing my to-do list, which is when I noticed my grave transgression.

 

Shame, shame, shame.

 

Oh well. The only thing I can do is try to make due. I remember most of what I want to get done before lab. I’m sure I can figure out other things to do along the way.

 

Main points of the past few days:

 

Mom finally emailed me back. I’ve been trying to get in touch with her but she’s been super busy I guess. I’m going to be sending a box out to her later today and needed her new address. She sent it in the email along with saying we would catch up soon. Most likely tomorrow or Sunday since the weekend is going to be busy with Trevor moving out and me clearing out the storage unit.  Can’t wait. It’s going to be an expensive weekend too since I’ll need to get a pot set, trashcan, microwave, and dishware at a minimum. I’m hoping to find a fair amount of things at Goodwill. Thrift shopping and popping tags. What, what.

 

Anyway, I talked to a handful of friends on Facebook, catching up with them. That was pleasant. I have a few phone messages I need to listen to still. Most likely will be conversations that I need to follow up on. Social time. Whooo.

 

I still haven’t been called into a meeting about last month’s class so I don’t think there will be one.

 

Zane and I are in the process of building a new character for me. I wrote out part of her story yesterday and posted it. For only putting in roughly three hours of work I think it came out well. I don’t think I’ll get to writing more today, but eventually I hope to type out the rest of her back story.

 

I completely aced my portfolio class. Seriously, I got straight 100’s on my assignments. It was a pretty easy class though. I can’t image someone failing it, though I’m sure it happens often enough.

 

What else…

 

Zane and I had a pretty big fight. Two of them actually. It led to really involved, in depth conversations afterwards and I think we’re better off for them. I didn’t like the stress and anxiety, but I like the results of both of us being open and honest. So we’re good, better even. He’s agreed to start paying me  back more for the money he owes me.  That will help out a lot since part of my overall “unhappy” issue is not making as much progress on the card. And since I’m going to have to use the card for the purchases this weekend, the progress I have made is going to be swiped  out. It’s an annoying part of my reality right now. I don’t  have a date for when it’s going to be paid off and that’s disheartening and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong even though I’m not. Blarg. Enough of dwelling on that.

 

Hannah is super extroverted. I knew she would be before she moved in.  It makes the mornings not as quiet sometimes, but overall I think everyone is adjusting well.

 

I wrote about the new cat. Still need to post pictures of her. She doesn’t hiss at everyone as much. She loves cuddling and being curled up on someone’s lap. Scarlet seems to be more ok with her now. I really do think it’s just a matter of time. Lots of new these past two weeks for everyone, what with John moving out, Hannah moving in, Trevor packing, the adoption of Haley… All of the things…

 

I had gator curry last night for dinner. That was interesting. First time I’ve ever eaten gator. I liked it, though Zane said it was a little over done which is why the meat was on the stiff side. Though I guess it’s supposed to have a texture similar to pork so no matter what it’s going to be stiffer than something like fish or chicken. We have a fair amount of left overs, so that will most likely be what I have for dinner tonight.

 

I completed all of the reading for my class this week and got a 100 on the quiz. I need to work on the exercise assignment today and then begin work on the project. This week it’s making a menu and magazine cover. I have to create both from scratch this time rather than using pre-assigned assets. I think it could be interesting. Maybe I’ll do a magazine for cats or something. Pets… I want to look at cute pictures while I work.

 

Pretty sure that’s most everything in a nutshell.

 

Guess I should go so I can figure out how to hobble through my day until I get to work.

 

Daily Post 099: Bright Eyed, Bushy Tailed

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It’s 6am and I’ve already cooked and eaten breakfast. Currently working on my cup of coffee with another glass to my left… It’s staring at me… I should be drinking it instead of my coffee so I stay on top of my water intake, but… coffee… and caffeine… and all of the things that are bad for me but so good at the same time…

 

Yeah… my water will continue to sit there and guilt trip me for a while until I finally break down and finish it off.

 

Anywho. I would say that I’m up bright and early but I’ve been awake since 3am and there’s nothing bright about three am.

 

I’m not even frustrated or annoyed that I woke up when I did. I went to sleep around 11, exhausted, slept super, crazy deep, and woke up rested and wide awake even though I didn’t want to be up initially.

 

When I finally realized that I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep I got up and finished working on my homework. I would have done more with it, but the Internet is acting screwy. Most of the pages I try to go to won’t load. My email and Facefail being just two of the many sites that give me a load error. Google won’t work, but Bing will. It’s annoying. I would have liked to finish creating my PDF, but whatever. I found other things to keep myself entertained with, like writing. : D

 

Yesterday ended up being a good day. I got to talk to RB for a little bit. That was emotionally charged for me, but in a good way. Healing I think. It felt nice to feel understood and less like I’m an insane, hormonal female who’s super finicky and demanding with high expectations for all life forms on Earth, including piles of rocks… which I am… but feeling human is nice sometimes and that’s what I felt like during our conversation.

 

I fixed the bike seat finally. This bike issue was totally self-inflicted. Seems like forever ago now… Back before December was it? I can’t honestly recall when, but I know at some point I tried switching the bike seats between Zane’s bike and the one I got from Frank. Didn’t really care for the wider seat, so I switched back to Zane’s, which is narrower.

 

When I put the seat back on it was tilted up slightly. No biggie. It’s not that bad. Only… after months of riding like that… yeah… it’s that bad. I’ve just been a slacker about fixing it, putting it off because, “I’ll do it before I go into work,” only to realize what time it is and rush through my shower to dash off in order to be on time. Other days I’m just not in the mood to do anything so it goes undone. I guess on the positive side… I’ve never complained about it because I know it was my fault and I wasn’t doing anything about it even though I could have easily fixed it, like I did yesterday.

 

I took the bike down the stairs with my Allen wrenches, took everything apart, rearranged it the way it should have been, even raised the seat a bit since I’ve been getting less extension in my legs recently, rode it around, and labeled my amazing mechanical feat a success.

 

The ride to work was so much nicer. The weather has been amazing recently, and een though it’s been a little windy, it’s been nice and warm. Super sunny. It’s still cool at night. Cool enough to need my sweater, but it’s not the freezing, hard to breath because I’m inhaling ice, type of cold. Just a little on the nippy side.

 

We’ve had the windows open at the apartment all week, airing out the rooms and enjoying the fresh breezes as they blow in.

 

The new room has a window facing East, so in the morning I wake up to warm sunlight lighting the room. Scarlet has a new spot under the computer desk where the light hits. She naps there, basking, for most of the day. It feels a lot like when I lived at home with my mom. The room is much bigger than the one I had, but the feelings are the same for some reason. I wake up in the morning on my own because my schedule is so late that I don’t need an alarm. In a way that makes everyday have a weekend vibe to it.

 

The mornings are slow, lazy, unrushed. I wake up and stay in bed watching Scarlet sleep, thinking about how I feel, what I want to do, what I need to do. Lately I’ve been waking up and having to fight off my evil voice and the sadness that goes along with it. I meditate on that for a while, slowly trying to unravel the tangled mess of a knot, but eventually I get up. I don’t stay in bed, moping, and I don’t let the negativity eat away at me. I’ve still been pretty productive this whole week. And I’m super happy that this is the first week in almost two months that I’ve actually biked the whole week to work, there and back. I’m going to hit close to 50 miles again and that makes me happy and proud of myself.

 

One of the reasons I didn’t write for so long was because I was sucking hard core with the bike. My legs were so sore by the end of my rides and I was on such a low gear. Most of that I think was due to being so sick, added to all of the days that I got rides to and from work. My endurance took a huge hit and I was struggling to get back to where I had been before my race.

 

It sucked feeling like I was doing poorly. It was hard to keep everything in perspective. Any workout is better than no workout, and all I can do is my best, and that fluctuates from day to day. I’m not always going to break my records. Sometimes I’m going to be tired or sore or just not feeling it. It was so much easier to focus on the fact that I was slower, I was breathing harder than I “should have been”, and that I didn’t want to ride because I “wasn’t doing good enough”.

 

That was how Monday started. And each day I rode, and each day I’ve gotten better. Last night I finally made it back to my top gear. I didn’t stay on it the whole time, but just making it there made me swell with pride. I didn’t give up, mostly because I didn’t have much of a choice if I still wanted my paycheck, but because I didn’t quit, because I pushed through it, I got better. And here was my proof that I had gotten better. Something that seemed so impossible only four days ago was totally happening, even if it was making my quads burn more than it used to. That’s fine. Let them burn. I’ll have quads of steel before the summer’s up.

 

I don’t really have much else to say. I came home. Zane and I talked for a bit. Things are still awkward between us, but we were able to sit in the living room together. He slept in the room, I took the couch. Hannah’s couch is actually pretty awesome. Much better than John’s. Zane is going to be heading to work shortly, so I’ll be able to take the bed if I want. Not really sure I will at the moment. I’m awake still so I’ll most likely keep picking away at my to-do list until I feel the urge to nap.

 

Saturday I hope to get a bunch of chores done. I already have a to-do list roughed out for the weekend. Nothing is set in stone, but I have an idea of what should happen when. I’ve even gone through and meal planned what I want for the coming week.

 

I recently tried a new recipe that turned out pretty awesome. Chicken Parmesan Soup. It wasn’t all that soupy for me, but I’m sure if more broth was added it would be wetter. I liked it was only 4 cups though, mostly because I like creamy verses soupy.

 

At some point this month I need to do my taxes. I haven’t done a complete brain dump in a while, going through all the areas of my life and writing out what needs / should / aught to happen or get done, but I’ve got a mini dump for this month. Maybe I’ll go through and do my 30-day challenge thing again. Not this week, but maybe soon, just to make sure I’m on the right track.

 

I’m on course to get everything on my “this week” list done, which is a nice feeling. I hope I can keep with it. So far I’ve been acing my daily to-do lists. And the tasks for the rest of the month don’t seem all that intimidating when I have it broken down into sections the way I do. Small bite sized pieces.

 

I think today will be an alright day. A long one maybe if I’m not able to get back to sleep, but a good one. Finishing off the homework will make me feel good, productive. It will also, hopefully, allow me to work on the project assignment during the Shading and Lighting lab today. The more I can get done with that, the easier Saturday and Sunday will be.

Daily Post 098: So… It’s Been a While…

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I don’t know if I want to write. But I haven’t in a while so I sort of feel obligated to. There’s also this confusing mess where most of the posts I’ve seen recently talk about viewers and followers and building your blog and blah blah blah, and that’s not what mine is about. But since that’s all I’ve been reading it makes me feel like I’m  doing things “wrong”, and so there’s the added pressure of thinking “no one wants to read about my boring, self-inflicted life bs”. But that’s what my blog is for. It’s for me to write, and whine, and cry, and laugh, and ramble, and do whatever the F I want because it’s my blog, for me, my mental health. It’s not for followers and now I feel like I’m going on a tangent and mildly ranting when really I’m not mad at anyone.

 

/sigh

 

Hannah is moved in. John is moved out. Trevor and Danielle have been packing. There is so much more space in the apartment now. It’s so much cleaner, and that aspect of it will only get better in the coming weeks.

 

Hannah is super extroverted, so any time I so much as move I’m guaranteed a conversation. I am worried this is going to wear on me and that I will become resentful and feel trapped any time I’m at home. It doesn’t help that she has a light work / school load so the past days she’s been home the same times I have been. I get very little “alone” time, though right now seems to be ok. She’s in the living room and I’m in my room, typing on my desktop that I have set up.

 

I was able to clear up a crap ton of space on my solid state drive. 68 gigs actually. I reinstalled MS Office though I need to look at buying a license for that. It’s on the to-do list for next pay check actually. Already written down so it’s official.

 

The room Zane and I moved into, John’s old room, is pretty much set up the way I want it. I need to hang the cards from my mom, but that’s the last thing for the room. The rest of it is buying things for the bathroom, or curtains. Little things that would make it better, but aren’t really needed.

 

I’m super tight on money right now. I had to pay an extra 100 for the electricity deposit since we need to change the account over to our names rather than Trevor’s. I have to pay the storage unit for an extra month since we agreed keeping everything where it’s at will make moving easier in the long run.  I was super irresponsible and spent about 50 at Home Depot so I could organize the closet better, along with going out to eat a handful of times with Zane. I’ll survive though. I’ve been in much worse situations. I also paid 500 on the credit card. Which is a whole story…

 

I guess my card was “compromised” so Bank of America wanted to be nice and responsible. They canceled my card to make sure fraudulent activity wouldn’t occur and issued me a new one, which should have arrived in seven to ten business days. No biggie. I didn’t need the card right away. I could make it until the card got here.

 

Guess what never showed up and almost screwed me over? Yeah. My new credit card. I called on Monday asking if it had been sent out. Was told that it had. Responded with, well I don’t have it and I need it to make a payment and to buy groceries. Could my old card be reactivated so I could use it? No it couldn’t. Was there any way I could get money moved over into my debit account so I could do the things I needed to do? No. There wasn’t. They could issue me a new card which would arrive in seven to ten business days.

 

Fuck you, Bank of America. I’m so sick of you guys fucking up my financial life. I’m lucky that I’m resourceful and that I have people who are understanding in my life otherwise I would have been screwed. I got the card so I could have it to use when I needed it, not for you to take it away and make my life harder.

 

Just another reason I want so desperately to pay off the fucking credit card so I can move to a different bank. Nothing but stress and shit service.

 

Anyway. Last night was actually pretty cool, which sort of twists around another story, so I guess I’ll just start with work since that’s really where it begins and why last night happened in the first place.

 

I’m working 5pm to 1am this month. I thought it was for both classes, which would have been fine; at least it’s a consistent schedule. Character Rigging ended up only being one lab though, so part of my days are only 5pm to 9pm. Yay for admin hours which get to be used for homework time.

 

I don’t have to set my alarm to wake up. I get most of the morning to myself, though now that Hannah is here I’m questioning how true that comment is. Overall it’s been alright even if it is sort of crazy hours.

 

Down side. I can’t use the car. At all. I don’t have time to pick Zane up from work and get to the school on time for labs. He doesn’t get home early enough for me to wait for the car. That means I can’t do any errands during the week because he has the car the whole day. Any “doing” that I need to do has wait until I get home from work.

 

Because of that I did laundry at 1 in the morning last night, along with shopping at Walmart because we needed a new water filter and cat litter. And part of me is resentful that I had to go out to the store because what was Zane doing for the eight hours I was at work that he couldn’t go pick it up?

 

Rational side of things. It’s my week to do groceries and I was going out to do laundry anyway so what does it matter? At least it kept me from sitting and being bored for a few hours. If it was such a big deal I could have asked him to do it. It would have been awesome if he was considerate or “adult” enough to realize it needed to be done and to have taken the initiative on his own to do it rather than having me ask like a parent.

 

“Now, honey. Please clean your room. You know how icky it gets when you leave it messy.”

 

If I wanted a kid I would get pregnant. Or try, since I’m polycystic and most likely can’t. Blrag. Premise still stands. I don’t want to micro manage someone since I have a hard enough time keeping up with my own shit. A companion should make life easier not harder.

 

And that’s another hawt mess, which I haven’t forgotten about the store story, but tangents…

 

Since I’m back to biking everywhere and upping how often I go to the gym since I’m not deathly ill, it’s warming up, and in general I’m feeling better in a few areas of my life, my sex drive is back up, and guess what’s not getting fulfilled. Yeah. The sex part. Not really much else to say about that other than I’m still frustrated and because of how my schedule and Zane’s schedule line up I only see him as he’s leaving for work in the morning or going to sleep at night. Like not even twenty minutes of face time. So the whole lack of sex thing most likely won’t get fixed anytime in the near future, not that it would have gotten fixed anyway because he’s allergic to sex. Not really, but I’m being self-deprecating at the moment and it’s making some sick, twisted part of my brain happy to be mean and think shit like that.

 

I’m improving myself. Apparently that means I don’t deserve sex anymore. This is the complete opposite result of what I was expecting.

 

There are other things going on. I don’t think I’m cool with the marriage idea anymore. Would it be nice to have Zane travel with me? Sort of. I don’t think it’s worth the stress or fighting. I think what I truly want is to live alone again. I think what I really crave is my own space.  I’m tired of coming home like I have the past three nights and the 10 minutes of time I get to see him before he goes to bed is some  confrontational spat where “I’m upset with him so he’s going to leave me alone.”

 

I’m not upset. I’m not mad. I just got done biking 3.5 miles and I feel like crap because I know you won’t hug me because you think sweat is gross, which means I’m gross. I’m unworthy. That’s what’s going through my brain. And I’ve told you that. All I want is to feel like everything I do means something, earns me something.  But it doesn’t. It feels like a vast pit of pointless nothingness. I’m sweaty and gross so you can have the car to get to and from work. It’s my car. I’m the one paying 300 a month for something I don’t even get to use except for joy rides on the weekends, maybe. It depends on if I have work, or if you want to do something, or if it’s raining and the weather is shitty, or if there are other import life things going on like moving people in / out.

 

Can’t I at least get a hug and a kiss and a “how was your day?” to make it seem like you actually care about my life rather than absently talking about work while you play on your phone and show that I’m not worth your attention.

 

Maybe I’m way more angsty over all of this than I realized. I’m still hurt. I still ache in my chest because for almost four days now I haven’t had a hug. I’ve slept on the couch because it doesn’t feel right to crawl into bed next to Zane when he’s asleep and things feel not ok between us.

 

I’ve gone to the  apartment office and done all of the tasks he’s asked me to do since he can’t make it there to do the things himself. I’ve cooked all of the meals this week. I did the laundry. I’ve taken care of my homework and stayed on top of my new class, Digital Publishing this month, fun stuff.

 

I’m tired of doing. I’m tired of hurting and feeling like it’s never enough to get the things that I want out of a relationship. So yeah, I’ll most likely be going into the military alone, to be alone. To move forward with what I want. And maybe this is all just angry, hurt writing and things will get better and I just need to talk to him and not enough time has passed for changes to occur, but I don’t think that’s what it is.

 

I think this is a pattern that has been there since I moved in. Maybe before I moved in.  While parts of the apartment and living situation are better, there are some things that haven’t changed. The reality I had built up and envisioned inside of my head isn’t the reality I live in, and that disconnect, that difference, is where my pain stems from. I know it’s because of me. I know in a way it’s not fair.

 

Right now, typing on my blank pages, writing my feelings, my thoughts, I don’t care that it’s not fair. I don’t care about letting go and not wanting and being enlightened and taking the higher path. Right now I want to be angry and hurt because until I acknowledge that I feel that way it’s just going to fester and continue to poison me. I feel like I’ve started slipping back into old habits where I put another person before my own happiness and that’s why I feel the way I do.

 

I shouldn’t need Zane to make me happy. I shouldn’t expect him to do things because he cares about me, and then get upset when it doesn’t happen. I’m happier when I take care of things myself because I feel independent, resourceful, and competent. I don’t owe anyone anything when I do it myself. I’m not let down by myself when I take the initiative rather than waiting or asking. I’m an adult. I can do things myself. Including fixing my life, and just because I fix it doesn’t mean other people have the right to ride along for free. Which that’s pretty harsh, even in my head. But that’s what it feels like.

 

I’m still owed two thousand dollars for all of the expenses I covered with Zane was unemployed. I’m still paying crazy interest on the credit card while he saves money to go to California to visit Nik who he’ll most likely have sex with because that’s the type  of relationship they have. I’m not a priority. I knew that from the beginning. I don’t know why it’s taken almost a year for it to finally sink in. I don’t even know if it really has. Maybe it’s starting to and that’s what all of this is. Maybe I needed to be pushed to a certain point where the INFJ “zero fucks given” shadow traits come out and I just stop caring and move forward with or without the other person.

 

I’m going in a “this way” direction, and I’m not going to compromise on it. I’m not going to let depression eat away and steal another summer from me. I’m not going to make plans around another person. I’m going to do what I need to do to get to where I want to be because it’s my life and I’m tired of living it for other people.

 

So back to the story of the shopping trip last night… There are moments where I am shown that the world is still an ok place and that good people, kind people, compassionate people, still exist and that my black and jaded view of the world isn’t the proper view. It’s a focused view, one singling out the negative, blinding me to the positive things around me.

 

After putting the clothes into the wash I went to Walmart for the water filter and the cat litter. As I walked to the aisle with the filters I noticed that several of them were roped off with ‘caution’ tape. I kept walking to see what was going on. Maybe I would be able to still get to the filter I needed. No luck though. They were waxing the floor. Lame… maybe if I go get the litter first and then come back they’ll be done and I can get the filter.

 

So that’s what I did. Picked up a box of cat litter and walked back, but no luck. The aisle I needed was still roped off. I looked around, saw an older woman stocking some shelves and walked up to her asking, “Is it possible to get a water filter? The aisle I need to get to is roped off.”

 

She wasn’t all that helpful, saying nope, no one can go down there, especially if the floor is wet. I was bummed and started to walk away when she said to follow her. So I did. We walked down to the aisle, and, of course, saw the floors were wet.

 

“Nope. Can’t do down there,” was her frank, pretty callous and uncaring reply.

 

There was a man with a mop on a different aisle. He saw us and asked if everything was ok.

 

“I was hoping to get a water filter.” I said.

 

“Which one?” he asked as he waked to the shelves where they were lined up.

 

“A Zero Water filter. The black box. One shelf up.” I said as his hands moved over the boxes looking for the one I could clearly see, so close, yet so far away and out of my reach.

 

He found the box, picked it up, and walked over to me, passing it into my own hands which held the box as if it were the most precious thing I had ever been given.

 

“Oh my gosh. Thank you so incredibly much. You have no idea. You just made my entire night.” I said with the biggest smile. He seemed so shocked at my gratitude, a genuine smile spreading across his own face. The woman scoffed at my reaction, saying something more about how no one was supposed to walk on the floor and how it was better him than her as she walked away, back to be a grouch as she stalked her shelves.

 

That one action, as simple and mundane and totally none lifesaving as it was, seriously was the kindest thing anyone could have done for me. He didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to stop his work to make my life easier. He could have been uncaring, unfeeling like the woman. Instead he took a moment out of his life to do something for me, and even thinking about it makes me want to cry a little in a weird “I’m not sad I’m just feeling super intense feelings right now” sort of way that most people don’t understand because only about 1% of the total population thinks the way I do.

 

I didn’t have to worry about waking up early before Zane left for work to run back to the store for the filter. I didn’t have to wait until the following night to try to go back out again. I was able to scratch something off of my to-do list because one person was kind to me.

 

All of the warm feels.

 

Along the same lines… I got a card in the mail from one of my blogging buddies. I love you so much Mama Spike! Thank you for my card! I sent you an email but I’m not sure if that is a primary email address for you or not, so I’m not sure if you received it. I wanted you to know that your card came through fine and that it totally made my morning when I read it. Again, thank you so incredibly much. You’re amazing!

 

I feel a bit better for writing. I guess it was one of those things that needed to happen even though I didn’t want to do it in the beginning. Lots of other things have happened. Different events that I’m sure were important at the time but I don’t feel like writing about them now, or remembering them in clearer detail. I feel written out and I’m pretty sure I covered the important stuff. I covered my feelings and the events that have been affecting me the most.

 

I’m pretty content with that at the moment.