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Daily Post 000: The End of Summer One Year Later

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Today marks the actual one-year anniversary for this blog. I knew it was coming up soon, but it was just a nebulous, “oh, it’s sometime in at the end of September” sort of knowing. I actually went back and looked at the date on my first post thought, and wouldn’t you know it says September 23, 2014.

One year.

Part of me feels so weary at that thought. All of the things…

And while I do feel weary and battle worn, it is a relaxed, restful weary. A contented feeling. A feeling of survival where I have given my all and made it, if just barely, and now all I have to do is focus on breathing. In out. In out. Blessed darkness as I close my eyes and let all of it go.

I feel like I have made it through something. Some fight that tested me to my very depths, making me push myself, strain, strive, question, rage, scream, cry in frustration and hopelessness as I kept fighting for no other reason than because I refused to give up. I refused to admit defeat. I refused to let someone else, something else, win. And now it’s over and all of it can wash away.

All of the dirt, grime, sadness, sorrow, pain. It can rinse away under the water until my skin is all that’s left. Frail, scratched, broken, bruised, but mine.

That’s where I’m at today. It is a very real day. Good in its own way, though painful as well.

I’m aware of just how much has happened since my last relationship. I’m aware of how I have moved three times. I’m aware of all of the stress and weight I have put on financial goals, not just the Bank of America card, but money in general. I’m aware of how I found aikido and how I also feel I have lost that outlet. I’m aware of how it was within this year that the situation with Ari altered. I’m aware of how my encounter with James was in December. Less than a year.

There have been so many moments that I have written about. So many points in time which mattered to me. Which made me hurt, which made me feel. Which made me smile. I’m aware that Tre left this year, and Nicole. I’m aware of how work as declined.

Thinking of things in reference to this day, a year ago, puts it into perspective.

I have survived a lot. I have endured a lot. And while there have been lots of good moments, looking back on it, a lot of it was rough. I feel like I’ve been a trooper. An ungraceful one, but one none the less.

I haven’t written for a few days, so on top of it being the one-year mark and having all of those overwhelming feelings, I have what feels like an eon’s worth of things to process.

Monday was great. After writing I went out to the living room to talk with Zane. I mentioned everything that I wanted to do, including the shopping. I said how even though the shopping was something that I wanted, I didn’t really want to go out, and I couldn’t figure out why. We ended up concluding that Monday was supposed to be an anti-social day, and going out sort of defeated the purpose of taking the day off… It seemed so obvious after talking about it.

So instead I stayed home and watched the last two episodes of Pycho-Pass. It was a pretty decent show. Not my favorite, but I wouldn’t be against having to watch it again. I wish the ending had been more complex for as involved and twisted as the rest of the show was. The conclusion seemed sort of hallow to me.

I did clean the kitchen hardcore. That made me feel good. Zane and I also think we’ve figured out why cleaning relaxes me. It’s because I can’t relax in a cluttered environment. I sit and stew about how things should be taken care of, so even if I’m not doing anything, my mind is stressing, and will continue to stress until whatever is out of place is “fixed”. It’s better to let me do it and get it out of my system so I can actually enjoy sitting still, rather than trying to force something that’s never going to happen.

So even though it was a day off I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the room, went through my “in” pile which I haven’t touched since I’ve moved in. That was four months worth of build up. So much of those papers were garbage. I even went through my “important” box. It’s a portable storage filer where I keep all of the papers that I really aught hold on to. Tax information, passport nonsense, Scarlet’s vet forms, warranties and manuals.

I had car insurance contracts from 2011 in there… I’m pretty sure I don’t need to hold onto those anymore.

I didn’t go to the gym, but after all of the cleaning it felt like I had already had a workout. Zane and I did a bunch of cooking. I ended up going to sleep around 11pm which is crazy early for me since normally I don’t get home until midnight. Zane didn’t come to bed until around 5am. I think those were the main highlights for Monday. If I remember more I’ll toss it in.

Tuesday started super early for me. At 6am I was wide awake. I got up, made breakfast and coffee and poked around online. I completed all of the video assignments for my class and wrote my discussion post. I did a fair amount of research for my final assignment and even got a rough draft (read final copy) started.

I’m having a hard time meeting the 1000 word minimum though. I feel that I’ve answered all of the questions thoroughly with only 600ish words, and if I add more it’s just going to be filler that takes away from what I actually want to say.

I emailed my instructor today asking for her to read over what I have so far to see if she could let me know if any of the areas need further clarification, or if there’s a perspective that I haven’t explored yet. Aside from that I need to find images to help with the overall display of the information. It’s due on Sunday, so I think I’m doing well in that regard. I might even feel up to doing some extra credit for the class.

I went to a yoga class at 11am, and that totally, completely, kicked my ass. I’m not sure if it was just an intense class, or if I’ve slacked off that hardcore, or a combination of both… But yeah, I totally felt it afterwards. Even during it I was working up a pretty intense sweat.

Yoga class : 1
Jen : -9 million

Ok. It wasn’t that bad. In fact I was able to crack my back in several spots. Lately I’ve been having pain in-between my shoulder blades. I wasn’t able to get that particular area to crack, but I should be able to soon if I keep up with stretching. It would be nice to get back into proper alignment.

I called my mom after the gym since I haven’t talked with her in a while. I have a hard time talking to her when I’m depressed because I know she will know something’s wrong and with all of the distance between us it makes it hard.

I told her about how things had been rough. I actually wrote a post on Friday for my Facebook, where I admitted to the past four months being rough, and how there had been two instances where I had seriously contemplated suicide because I felt so overwhelmed with everything. Since my mom is on my Facebook she had seen the post.

I will most likely add that Facebook post to my blog. Another loose leaf page tucked into my journal.

I had posted it because everyone assumes that I’m fine. That I’m always ok and that I’m this bright shiny beacon of peaceful perfection, when I’m not. I struggle and fight and feel bad just like everyone else. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed, and sometimes the darkness is so dark I don’t know where to go or how to find the light that I know is there.

Sometimes the only thing you need to know to keep fighting is that someone else has felt the way you feel. Sometimes that one, single truth is enough to make it worth the struggle.

In my post I said that I didn’t need help or intervention. What I needed was for the other people out there to know that they weren’t alone. That I was fighting with them, and that together we would be victorious.

I worried about making that post, but it felt like the right thing to do. So I did it.

My mom and I talked about it. We talked about the fight that Zane and I had, and how he had hugged me and said everything was ok. How things have been going ok since then. How I was taking the day off. How I felt like I was getting better, but still sort of hesitant about it. It’s like the calm before the storm in a way, and I’m waiting for depression to come back and drop kick me in the face.

It was a really good conversation. I just wish we could have had it face to face over lunch or something.

We talked about work, and the apartment. We talked about my younger brother, and how she’s doing now that the house sold. We talked about my older brother and what’s going on out in Vegas. Both of our phones ended up close to dead before we said goodbye. We’re going to try to chat more at some point this week since we both had more to say.

So all of that happened while I was sitting in my car in the gym parking lot, at least for the most part. I ended up driving to the bank and getting $20 for the laundry card so I could have clean cloths. Oh, the silly obsessions I have…

I ended up saying goodbye to mom after I had gotten back to the apartment. Zane was up by the time I got back home. After showering I went back out to Salvation Army to do the shopping I wanted to do. It’s closer then Goodwill, and while I wanted to be out, I didn’t want to go all that far.

I got three new outfits for $20. Most of the stuff I got was actually half priced. I got three skirts and three tops to go with them. They’re long skirts that go to my ankles, and they’re swooshy. I think of them as peasant skirts. Two are dark brown and one is black. I really like them.

When I got back I was super tired. Between schoolwork, yoga, talking to mom, and an hour picking through cloths and trying stuff on I was beat. I took about a two-hour nap before Zane woke me up. We did laundry and started watching Sherlock since we needed a new show to watch together.

I have seen two episodes so far. Oh man. So much amazing. I’m already hooked on it.

Since laundry was done before I went in to work I was able to wear one of my new outfits. I also totally put all of the cloths away. Go me.

It was a little awkward wearing the new outfit to work. But the only way to get comfortable with something new is to not shy away from it. So yeah, I wore a skirt to work with a girly top. I compromise with myself and wore my Army hoodie, so while I was girly, I was still within an acceptable comfort zone.

Small steps…

It didn’t feel like I got much done at work last night. Clavan wants me to do better with clocking in and out. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know I will put in more effort because Clavan is actually a good boss. It’s the system I’m frustrated with, and he’s at its mercy as much as I am.

I got to start my new cross-stitch project. I’ve done this pattern before, so I know I’m going to enjoy it.

I ended up going home and watching the second episode of Sherlock with Zane. After that we went to sleep and that was my Tuesday. Long and tiring, but productive and good.

And so here we are, most of the way through Wednesday.

I woke up feeling like today was going to be broken, like listening to a scratched up CD. All of the events were going to be hiccups of time, disjointed and bumpy feeling, and so far it hasn’t proved me wrong.

Today was Shading and Lighting, so I had to go in at 1pm. I woke up at 9:30 even though I didn’t go to sleep until after 3am. I had a weird dream that I may write about. I still remember all of it surprisingly.

Anyway, I was tired, and sore (damn you yoga!), but I wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep, so up it was… Breakfast and coffee happened, along with checking email. There was a blog that I wanted to reply to, which ended up taking a bit of time because I couldn’t write a handful of sentences. Nope. My INFJ self had to write two pages worth of “This is my opinion”. Hopefully it’s helpful though.

Zane woke up right when I was finishing my writing. He was still super tired, too. We talked about the dreams we both had. We talked about the day, and how I felt like mine was going to be rough. I showered eventually.

Oh! One more thing that happened on Tuesday. I ended up catching everyone in the kitchen so I brought up an issue that I had. Go me, again!

I asked if we could make the eggs communal since we take up a fair amount of space in the fridge to have three different cartons, all different sizes, of eggs, and how the carton of eggs that Zane and I had bought ended up getting knocked over so some of our eggs broke.

I should mention that when I saw the broken eggs on Monday that I went into furious “Dragon of Rage” mode. So I was super proud that I was able to let go of that anger for the conversation.

So, long story short, eggs are now communal. We won’t have to waste so much space with everyone having their own thing of eggs, and it was a fairly smooth encounter. Huzzah.

Back to today…

I went into work early so I could scan some of the cross-stitch projects that I’ve been able to finish. To keep from spamming WordPress I’ll be posting them over the next few days. I have already added them to my Facebook, though. One of my friends made a comment saying he unliked my album just so he could like it again. XD

I have some pretty amazing friends.

He actually sent me a private message asking if I could be commissioned for a personal cross-stich, to which I said of course. I would love to. So we’re going to try to meet up tomorrow night. He leaves work the time I’m showing up, so I’m going to try going in early.

I replied to several work related messages on Facebook, I got my work email squared away. I got more information about the classes I’ll be taking over the next two months due to the switch in degrees I’m making. I called and got more information about taking my certification test. They aren’t open on weekends so I’ll most likely be taking the test next week.

I ended up sending an email to the test center with a list of questions because I didn’t get all of the information I wanted from the receptionist I spoke to. I’m hoping to have that information by tomorrow. So that’s underway.

I took a stereotype test online for my class. That was actually pretty interesting. It was a resource from last week, but I never got around to looking into it.

Work was actually super frustrating today. An email was sent out about one of the departments. It resulted in Frank being gone for a bit in two instances, and what I can only categorize as a bitch-fest about work upon his return. I totally fed into it. I have so much frustration build up about the environment right now. I’m not the happy optimistic, “go team, go!” person when it comes to work.

I’m more of the “I’m sick of being screwed over, so I’m going to stand back and watch all of this catch on fire and burn to the ground, maybe dance on the ashes, but more likely just grind said ashes under my heels as I stand in the center of the destruction and bask in the feel of everything getting its just reward, possibly even helping to spread the fire so as to ensure nothing escapes its much deserved fate” sort of person right now though.

Yep. Still in line with my shadow traits right now and that whole, “Screw you, and the horse you rode in on, and the one the sired it, too” sort of mentality.

My plan is to talk to Clavan and say that I need, not want, need, to go back to having two days off. It doesn’t matter that my days are fairly short days. I’m not getting the alone time I need and that’s factoring into my “death and destruction” mindset when it comes to work. I don’t get enough space away from it, so it’s a sensitive wound that keeps getting poked at. Or from my perspective, stabbed at, repeatedly, with a rusty spoon.

But yeah, work was just a bunch of frustration because everything that I’m sensitive about felt like it was raked over hot coals because of the conversation with Frank.

I had planned on staying at work until after rush hour, but after that conversation I just couldn’t. No matter where I went there was going to be people and I didn’t want to take out my frustration on anyone. So home it was. I didn’t calm down any by being alone in my car. So when I came into the apartment I hugged Zane and basically emotionally vomited all my frustration on him…

If that doesn’t sound sexy that’s because it wasn’t…

Though it was pretty comical now. He pulled out the container of Talenti ice cream and we stood in the kitchen passing it back and forth as I ranted explained the new development at work, the frustration of the lab, and the conversation with Frank about the development.

Arg! Rage! Rawr! *eats some ice cream*

More rage and rawr! *stabs ice cream with spoon*

Does any of this make me a bad person? Wait. Scratch that. Zero fucks given right now. Burn it all to the ground! *stabs ice cream again*

I sort of feel bad for the ice cream now… It’s probably traumatized what with a crazy white chick stabbing it and stuff…

There were several times where Zane said that he realized that I was angry and frustrated, but that he was standing right by me, and that I didn’t need to be quit so loud. I didn’t even realize my voice was raised, that’s how much my emotions were in control. I had to fume and vent and get it all out, and poor Zane was amazing and let me have my tirade.

We’ve changed plans a little due to how today went down at work. We’re going to move date night partially to tonight. We’re going to Arby’s for dinner, and then going to the Publix in the same plaza because we need to get a few things like eggs, deodorant for him, and razors for me. I had wanted to do the shopping before coming home, but that wasn’t going to happen, and now I don’t feel like going out alone. So we’re going to go together.

Past that I want to work on my cross-stitch and listen to my book, maybe watch another episode of Sherlock. I’m not sure yet. But that’s been my day so far.

Today also marks the Fall equinox. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Sort of sad I guess. Summer is over, officially, though I felt its passing stronger on Monday than I do today. It was something I mentioned to Zane. How I could feel it in my skin, the turning, the changing.

Summer died on Monday, and there is a realness with that fact which is somber. Much like how this is one year for me. While some people will see a reason to celebrate, it’s like I see everything and so the sadness negates the joy until there is only fact.

Almost all of this summer I was fighting, struggling, with myself. I suppose that lines up with this year, though. I feel like I was confronted with one of my worst fears and I held on. I flinched, and struggled, and thought about running away, but I didn’t. I stayed, and I think that I should acknowledge that about myself and this situation.

I could have left. When Zane first lost his job, heck, when they started cutting his hours and I knew internally that things were going to get worse I could have moved back with Jeremy and Ashley. I could have not paid Zane’s bills and made the situation worse for him. I could have done so many other things instead of trying to stand beside him through this. I could have ditched, cut my losses, instead of investing and saying that this dynamic is worth it.

I feel like I didn’t really come out standing. I feel like he had to drag me through a lot of it while I made it worse by giving into fear. He helped carry me through this all while trying to carry his own inner turmoil. But I stayed. We stayed. And I think that says something about the dynamic we have.

We might not be each other’s forever, but I think we’ll have a bond of comradery and a certain level of trust and respect because of the situation we went / are going through. It’s not fixed yet, but October 12th isn’t that far away, and we’re doing well. I feel like we’re winning.

So summer is over. This year has been rough. Work still sucks. I haven’t lost all of the weight I wanted to. I haven’t paid off my credit card like I wanted.

But I’ve survived.

So take that, Life. Screw you, Unvierse. You can’t keep me down.

Today marks the day that one year ago I shaved my head. Today marks the day that I decided that I was going to be true to myself, and so far I feel I have been. It’s been hard, and some things haven’t changed as much as I wanted. But I am a different person than what I was.

No. Not different. I’m still me. I have learned though. I have learned more about myself and what I need, and what I want. It will be an ongoing process. For the rest of my life I’m sure. I hope.

I am doing well, so here’s to another year.

Here’s to another chance, another day, to make myself a better me.

Cheers.

New Scene – Felix Cartal, Ofelia

Musing Moment 0058: A Special Thank You

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I wanted to take a moment to write to some really awesome people. People that I’ve never met. People I’ve never spoken to. But people who have made a difference in my life. People I’m grateful for, and I want them to know that.

I want them to know that they matter to me and that their kindness, the time they take out of their days to not only read my posts, but to comment, share their experiences with me, their offers of support and encouragement, it makes a difference.

Ally

You were my first blogging buddy on here. I’m not sure if you knew that. But you were. You were the first person that I connected with after I recreated my blog and I will always be grateful that we were able to build a friendship across all of the distance between us.

I don’t have to meet you in “real life” to know that you’re an amazing person. I can see it in your posts on your blog. I can see it in your comments on my own posts. You’re full of so much kindness and warmth. Keep shinning and being you because the world needs more awesomeness like you. : )

Seven Years

I’m not going to lie. I cried when I read your last comment on my blog. It was pretty adorable looking back at it this morning.

I was in the living room with Zane poking at my computer while I was waiting for my new book to sync on my phone. With a few minutes to kill I switched to my blog to see what was going on since Google told me there was a new comment.

It was your comment saying that you made an origami crane for me. And that it was the most beautiful one in your box so far. I was so touched. Thank you so much. Thank you for all of your advice and support over the past few days that I haven’t replied to.

I love your comments. They aren’t out of line, and I hope you don’t worry about upsetting me when you post them. I cherish them, and I’m sorry I’ve been pretty slack about replying to them in a timely fashion. I’m sorry I haven’t started making the origami cranes myself yet, but I promise, when I do the first one will be for you.

Thank you for thinking of me. For making a crane for me. For being such a fantastic and loving person. Thank you for letting me know that you understand how I feel and that I’m not alone because sometimes that’s the hardest thing to remember in the darkness.

Mama Spike

You inspire me, Mama Spike. I enjoy reading your blog. I enjoy reading how I’m not the only one who geeks out over office origination stuff and efficiency. How my to-do lists aren’t the only ones filled with colored marks because the normal ones are so boring and bland.

I can relate to Life being different than you thought it would be. I always wish the best for you and Spike and the girls. You all deserve happiness.

I’m reminded of the quote, “You may not always get what you want, but normally you get what you need.” It may be different for both of us, but different doesn’t inherently mean bad, does it?

Keep kicking ass and taking names like the badass you are. I’m cheering for you.

Shrew

I love how outspoken your blog is. I love the pictures and memes you post because they make me smile. I love the passion you have and that you continued to blog even though people disagreed with it.

I love how you show it’s ok to not be perfect, how life is about effort and doing your best. I love how you had a breakthrough rather than a breakdown. How you’re putting yourself first and learning and how you are sharing that journey for others to see. Others who may feel trapped, or lost, or alone.

You are a light. You shall not be silenced. And I love that about you. Keep being free.

I know this may be sort of sappy and maybe even a little creepy since I’m just some random Internet stranger. But I wanted you all to know that you have made a difference in my life, and I am grateful for that difference.

Thank you. For everything, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Musing Moment 0047: Blogger Recognition Award

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bloggerrec_award

Thank you again, Shrew for your kindness and support. Your nomination of my blog for the Blogger Recognition Award gave me warm fuzzy feelings. I’m glad you feel my writing makes an impact.

The Rules:

Post an image of the award
Thank your nominator
Nominate 15 blogs
Comment on the blogs so they know of their nomination
Write a brief description about your blog
Write 1-2 pieces of advice for a new blogger
Provide a link to the original BRA post

About the Dragon

Gah… What to say…

My blog is really just an expressive outlet. I’m not interested I making money off of it. I’m not interested in sharing deep insight to the workings of the world, or sagely advice. I’m really more interested in using it as a way to survive my days. In a way my blog is actually extremely selfish. It’s for me, and me alone, and I refuse to let it be anything other than the truest representation of my self, dirty scrapped up knees and all.

As an INFJ I need a place to drag out my thoughts, especially emotions, and to really take a look at them. Writing is a great way for me to do that. It’s messy, sometimes painful. It can be draining, and time consuming. When I am struggling with stressful situations or depression sometimes the last thing I want to do is write.

But, it helps me. It lets me share and understand parts of my personality that growing up I was misunderstood for. It gives me a way to connect with people on a much deeper level because we’re not talking about home made cookie recipes, or the selfie taken at lunch with co-workers.

I post about my everyday struggles, my tiny triumphs, and in general about my journey called Life. It doesn’t seem like anything fancy to me. As Ernest Hemingway said:

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter (we’ll go with keyboard) and bleed.”

As for advice to new and aspiring bloggers. My best advice is to stay true to yourself. If you want your blog to be about cat videos, totally go for it. Don’t feel like there is a pressure to post anything other than what you want. Your blog is your own corner of the Internet to do whatever you want to do, or not do. If you don’t feel like posting, then don’t. If you want to change the direction you’re blog is going, then do it. Blogging is not about followers or likes. It’s about you and what you want.

Amazing Nominations

And here are my nominations. You guys have helped me several times during the year I have been blogging. You’re posts, your comments, your love and support have been amazing and I’m so glad I was able to connect with you.

Welcome to My Little Piece of Quiet
Seven Years in a Drawer
Luna’s Universe
Young and Twenty
INFJoe
Runner with a Blog
Semper Fidelis
Storyshucker

Musing Moment 0045: The Helping Hand Blogger Award

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I guess today is the day for awards.

Thank you so much Ally for nominating me for The Helping Hand Blogger Award, an award given to bloggers who share insightful comments with other bloggers.

I’m so glad the novels I tend to write for comments are seen as insightful, inspiring, and helpful. : 3

I wasn’t able to find any rules associated with this award, so I’m just going to name drop a few of the people who have helped give me perspective and sent me support through their own comments. Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my posts. Your messages have helped me more than you know.

By the way… you would totally be on this list Ally if you hadn’t been the one to nominate me. Again, thank you so much. You’re fantastic. : )

Nominations for The Helping Hand Blogger Award

Shrewed Up
Samantha
Luna
Mama Spike
Seven Years in a Drawer

Musing Moment 0044: The Dragon’s Loyalty Award

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dragon

I cannot thank Shrew enough for nominating me for the Dragon’s Loyalty award. Shrew is an amazing person and I highly recommend reading her blog, which ranges from topics like mental health and parenting, to mindfulness and surviving life.

If nothing else, at least check this post out. I promise it is completely worth it.

Thank you so much, Shrew!

What is it?

Ok what is the Dragon’s Loyalty Award? Like so many other awards on WordPress, I have no idea they exist until I see them on a blog I follow, or happen to be nominated for one myself.

The Dragon’s Loyalty Award is an award given to loyal followers, commenters, or fans of your blog. The recipient can be a fellow blogger or a blog-free person who comments regularly. Don’t worry… we’ll corrupt you soon enough, oh blog free reader. >:3

The Rules

As with most other awards I have received there are rules to follow.

1. Put the logo on your post
2. Thank the blogger who nominated you
3. Share 5 facts about yourself
4. Nominate 5-10 bloggers

I have done two of four so far, so lets continue with the check list. : D

Five Facts

1. I’m scared of blenders because they make loud noises, but vacuums are ok because they actually do something useful.

2. I have a profile on Allrecipies.com and actually have had people comment that they like my recipes. If you’ve never had them you should totally try the zucchini fries, or the zucchini brownies. No joke, the brownies are amazing.

3. I routinely look at artwork for inspiration and save the images to Pinterest and my Dropbox folder, which I use as my screen saver. Clicking the Dropbox link will allow you to download my art folder. I also have folders for funny stuff and inspiration.

4. My favorite card game is cribbage, but I don’t have anyone to play with because everyone hates math. ;-;

5. I actually do like puns and play on word type jokes… Like that one about the boomerang. Do you remember it? No? Don’t worry. It will come back to you.

Interested in more facts about me? Feel free to click through these previous blog posts.

Liebster Award    Versatile Blog Award

Inspiring Blog Award

Nominations

I want to take a second to say thank you to everyone to follows me, puts up with reading my daily whining writing, and for the support and love that you all have shown me. You’re all amazing and I wish I could nominate all of you.

The following five bloggers are who I pass the Dragon’s Loyalty Award to. Keep spreading the love through the blogging sphere. And thank you so much for being my blogging buddies. : D

Ally
Seven Years in a Drawer
Mama Spike
Luna
Samantha

Daily Post 0150: My Sparrow

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It’s the end of the day and I’m still a little wired. I’m still at work. I’m still thinking about my project because I want to keep working on it.

But it’s getting late. I’m supposed to be at home. I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to sleep so I can wake up again.

I’m supposed to be doing stuff. More stuff. Other stuff. My mind is on a roll and my body wants to follow. Maybe taking an extra day away from the gym was bad. Maybe I should have gone running so I would be tired now.

I’ve already cleaned out my notebook, which is normally a Friday task. I never got around to it last week so there were tons of papers and to-do lists. There was all of the pre production pages from my school assignments, too. All of this extra information, extra stuff, just sitting there, cluttering up my notebook.

No longer. Those pages are gone.

I went through and figured out what things I wasn’t able to get to this week. Surprisingly not a lot is being transferred. I’ve been staying on top of things really well despite all of the abnormal things I’ve had to get taken care of. Eye exams, doctor’s visits, and blood work mainly.

And even while all of this is going on inside of my head I’m being introspective.

I got a notification on WordPress the other day saying that it was my one-year mark. It’s not one year for this blog. That started around September, but I had an old blog. The one I created for RB so he could read my daily writings. That was the start of blogging for me.

It’s a sobering fact to realize that it has been one year since I have known him.

It makes me remember some of the posts I made during that time. How I don’t have them anymore. I remember the one I wrote for Fly by Ludovico Einaudi. I had been listening to the song on repeat for I don’t remember how long, and I ended up writing about what the song triggered for me. It had brought to mind a bird flying, soring and being free only to be caught in a storm and ultimately die. I had written how I felt like the bird, that I was falling and struggling. I wrote how I wanted to hold the sparrow while it died so it wouldn’t have to die alone.

I wish I had that post. Out of all of the months worth of writing I’m not sure why I miss that one the most. Why something so sad is the memento that I want for that time period.

I suppose it fits with my overall character. I like morbid things, the ones that make you cringe and pull back because it touches something personal and deep inside that makes you uncomfortable. It makes you aware of something within yourself that is normally ignored or looked over, but this thing, this trigger, forces you to acknowledge that not everything is happy, warm, and fuzzy.

I guess, as messed up as it might be, the bad things, the icky things, seem more real to me. It’s easy to fake happiness, to smile and pretend. I can easily type that today was great and no one would know the difference. I can smile as I walk down the hall even though I might be shattering on the inside.

But when it is something negative, it’s real. It’s deep. It’s personal and not a facade.

And I guess that’s why I want my sparrow post the most out of all the others. It was another post that was a real glimpse into me. It wasn’t a post about being productive, or what I had for lunch, or what silly thing I got my self into.

It was me bleeding onto my keyboard. Pure, raw, unadulterated emotion.

I still listen to that song sometimes. It’s a good song. And I still can see the sparrow flying, graceful, carefree. And I can still feel its struggle as the rain begins to fall.

I’m not really sure where my brain is going with this. I can’t get that writing back. I can’t get any of it back, and I accepted that when I deleted the old blog.

It makes me wonder if I should do anything to celebrate. I don’t think so. I don’t know what I would do to be honest. I have a hard enough time celebrating my own birthday, let alone the birth of something wholly intangible. I wonder if that makes me cold and heartless. If I love my blog so much shouldn’t I do something?

I guess part of me would think of it too much as celebrating an anniversary that doesn’t exist. I don’t want to celebrate the start of either blog, the old or new. I don’t want to celebrate the act of blogging itself. I really would have been ok to not having received that notification.

I still think about how I couldn’t meet him. I still haven’t made peace with that yet, and maybe that’s another reason I want my post and why I have that song playing right now.

There is another song I have been listening to today. The Winter by Balmorthea. I guess today is a day for instrumental. I don’t know why this one speaks to me yet, but it does. It’s touching something in my heart chakra.

Today has actually been a pretty low-key day. There’s not much to report. I cooked the lentil dinner, which turned out pretty decently. I will make a few changes the next time I make it, but it was good enough to know that I will make it again.

I went to school and was able to send the email to Clavan finally.

I replied to several posts on my class discussion board. I did my initial research into my project concepts and then stayed at work to block out the design. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made today. I went from zero to over halfway done in one day. I think that’s the best I’ve done in a while, especially on a bigger project.

I can tell I’m getting more confidence in myself and my ability to come up with and execute designs. I don’t fear the blank canvas as much. It’s not a barrier, a wall reflecting doubt and insecurity back at me.

I really don’t know where I am right now. it’s a weird mental state. I’m not really detached or disconnected. I feel very connected with myself, but it’s internal. Sort of like I’m inside my shell.

I know the world is out there, but I feel, a lot, on the inside right now, and it’s sort of distracting. It’s calling all of my attention and so the outside world seems fuzzy and distant. It’s unimportant because there is this other sensation that requires my focus.

I don’t know what it is. It’s a lot of things, all mixed together. There’s a bit of sadness, a sense of loss. Remorse. Acceptance. Acknowledgement actually might be a better word.

I am aware of something within myself even if I haven’t been able to identify it yet. There is something that needs attention. Healing, I think. Otherwise I don’t think the notification would have bothered me. I don’t think I would want my post so much if there wasn’t something that would be soothed by having it.

I don’t want to think that the start of something was also the mark of the end, which I think is what I think about my old blog. I deleted it because that was the end for me. I don’t want to celebrate that. It hurts still. It wasn’t a happy thing. I don’t want a trophy icon to mark something that I think is solemn.

I want a moment of silence. A bowed head because that short time of my life meant a lot to me.

If I could print out that post I would, and I would hold the papers to my chest and most likely get teary eyed, but that’s what I feel like doing right now. I want to hold that moment of my life, that poor little sparrow and comfort it while it passes on, like the one in the song. I want it to feel loved and cared for in its last moments. To let it know that even though it fell that it was magnificent for the time that it flew. That it’s flight was worth it. That the pain was wroth it and there is nothing to regret.

I guess this is what I get for being all right brained right now. Nothing but emotion and artistic creativity. Exaggeration and color and dancing through my mind as the music plays over and over, moving me around, spinning, twirling until I’m lost within myself. Immersed in the feelings and memories. The good, the bad, like so much water against my skin.

Drowning. Sinking.

That’s what it reminds me of.

The Winter reminds me of drowning. The quiet stillness that comes at the end as the water holds you, cradles you, as you let go and slip beneath the surface. Maybe that is what I am acknowledging. That I need to let go and let it slip away. Maybe that is why I want the post. So I could have something physical to represent the action.

Maybe I should do something as acknowledgement, not celebrating but accepting.

I will meditate on this.

Daily Post 0107: Recovery is Lame

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I messaged Mother Earth last night. She had sent me a second message saying that it had been five days since the break up. Five days since she had messaged me.

In those five days I hasn’t responded at all. I kept looking at the message. Every time I got onto Facebook it would be there. Staring at me. Letting me know that, yes, I am a failure. That I have hurt someone.

Overly dramatic brain is overly dramatic…

I hadn’t responded at all. I really didn’t know how to. I wasn’t ready to respond. And so the days kept going by. One after the other. The numbness still inside me, making me feel heavy, detached. Tired.

I had a new message last night. Mother Earth wanted to know if I was still coming to the wedding since I hadn’t responded yet.

It hurt reading it. But I can’t blame her for asking.

I responded by saying that I was worried about what to say. That it felt like anything I said would just make things worse, and that I was sorry for disrespecting her. I said that I would like to still be at the wedding.

She said she would like for me to be there too.

It’s still just information to me. It’s like I’m on the outside looking down at little cells in a dish. Some contained environment, playing out for the observation of someone, something, else. It feels sterile and so outside of the warmth of natural life. And right now I’m ok with the coldness because that makes my inner hurt seem less. It makes it more bearable with all of the other things I have to keep on top of. It makes it someone else’s hurt.

It’s not mine. I’m out here looking down.

I don’t know how I can be her maid of honor. I don’t feel like I deserve it anymore. I don’t see how she could want me to fill that role. The not understanding causes discord, but I don’t know how to phrase my questions or feelings without coming off as emotional and irrational. Rude and insensitive. Hostile maybe.

I can’t figure out the wording, so I stay silent, which I know doesn’t fix anything. If anything silence makes it worse on both ends. I don’t feel like I can be open right now though. I don’t feel ready to talk.

I feel so out of balance right now. I haven’t been working out because of my schedule. I haven’t been cross-stitching. I haven’t been able to get back into my routine since the move. Though to be fair part of that is my own doing for spending a fair amount of my past two weeks with DM.

I have started to squirm my routine into our interactions, though. I bought coffee and creamer so I can have coffee at his place in the morning, and I have cooked breakfast for us a few times. Eggs with cheese, since I don’t have the other things I would mix into them.

It’s not much of a routine, it’s still sort of chaotic and figuring out how we mesh together. But I like it, and it’s as good as I can make it right now.

I made a to-do list the other morning while eating and drinking my coffee on the couch. And it felt good. It felt unrushed and relaxing. It felt restoring. DM was sleeping in the room, so I had the space to myself. He got up shortly before I left so I was able to have a goodbye kiss before going to work. It was really nice and something that made my day warm. There’s a part of me that would be ok with incorporate interactions like that into my routine.

And it sucks that even after I type all of that, even after I remember and feel all of the positivity of those interactions, I still feel burnt out right now.

I have already taken care of most of my school assignments for the week. I have completed the brainstorming and sketching for both projects. That leaves creating the block out and then finalizing the compositions. I’m going to work on the block outs tonight hopefully.

I’m so tired right now, though, even though I slept for most of the morning. But I guess I really didn’t. I went to sleep at 2am, and my alarm went off at 10am. That’s eight hours. I spent another hour and a half in bed, thinking about getting up, but not. Normally when I get burnt out I sleep for 12 or more. So maybe that’s part of it. Maybe I should be giving myself more downtime. More quiet time.

Right now I want to curl back up in bed, under my super comfy, warm blanket, and just stay there. For a day or two, maybe. Not for forever, but for a while. It feels like the most peaceful thing in my mind right now. Alone. Solitude. No sound. Just darkness, and the warm feeling of something soft wrapped around me.

But I know that’s not how it would be. My roommates would make noise. The dogs would bark and click around in the hallway. I would hear their conversations, the movies they would play on their computers. I would hear them in the kitchen.

It wouldn’t be the relaxing time that I need and want. I wouldn’t be alone, and knowing that fact would feel like sandpaper on my skin.

I feel sort of lame that even as I thought about hiding under my covers in darkness, there was another thought of laying on the couch with my head in DM’s lap while he pets my hair as we watch Archer. There’s part of me who would want him under the covers with me, my head in the crook of his arm, breathing in his scent as I quietly talk through the things on my mind.

Damn you, Emotions. Screw you and all of the illogical BS that goes with all of your illogical… illogical-ness…

Total subject change. : D

I found my wallet. I’m actually not sure if I wrote about that. I retraced all of my steps at school and couldn’t find it. And of course Security is closed on Sunday because why would anyone want to find their lost items over the weekend…

I went to them yesterday morning though while Frank was doing the introduction speech for the lab, and they actually had it. Huzzah! One less thing I have to worry about. I was able to get gas for the car because I was super low. That made me feel better. At least I don’t have to worry about not being able to get to work.

I also talked to Clavan about my schedule. He agreed to take two of my days this month, so I don’t have to work the 48 hours. I’m back to a scheduled 40 hours of labs each week. That still leaves me with no time for admin. Frank and I are working things out. I am not going to be able to host the PCC Critiques this month because of my schedule, which I don’t like. But Monica is going to take over for a little while, so we don’t have to stop them out right.

One of my friends agreed to be the guest speaker this month for our AMA, so that’s awesome.

As I mentioned, I got my assignments in a good spot so at the moment, day two of the new month, my schoolwork load is manageable.

I’m writing a post so I can stop feeling like a slacker in that department…

I really wish I felt better about things. I wish I didn’t feel so tired and rundown. It’s like a brick wall ran into me… They really should watch where they’re going.. Jerks….

I know this is just a recovery phase. I’ll get better. It’s just frustrating at the moment.

Daily Post 0063: Kick Ass Assignments

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I’m writing this while I still have the energy and drive to do it. I feel like I am falling back into my old ways. The ways of Google Drive, where I would save writing to the very end of the of the day and then find that I have no will to write.

Today has been busy, and still isn’t over. Not fully. But if I wait until the end to write then I won’t do it. I’ll be too tired, too ready to fall into my bed and save it for the morning. But in the morning I will have a new list of things to do, and writing will have to wait again, wait until the end, where I will be too tired once again.

You can see the cycle here.

It’s so easy to push it off, further and further back, when really it’s the one thing that will make me feel like my day was worth it. I would say it’s the one thing I do for myself, but that’s a lie and we all know it.

I do aikido now, and that’s purely for me. And the gym. More me time. And cross stitching…

Really if I could just section of a small, little, 24 hour period of out every day to only do the things that I want to do I think I would be alright. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask for, right?

Gah, society with its silly standards of being a productive member and stuff. Lame.

So I can’t say that writing is the only thing I do for myself. But it fulfills something that the gym and working out doesn’t. I don’t know what the difference is. They both fall into the ‘spiritual / emotional’ spectrum for me.

Maybe it’s because one is a physical form of expression, while writing is a mental form. Either way, one is not a substitute for the other, and so by being lax in my writing and am not honoring a part of myself.

So I’m taking some time, now, right now, before work is over, to write because I deserve to have time in my day to do so, without falling asleep at my keyboard while I do it.

Today has actually been pretty awesome, which makes me happy. Last week felt like a disaster. I have no idea how I made it through any of it, but somehow I did, and then it was the weekend, and here we are at the start of another week.

This time, however, I’m prepared for it, and it showed with what I was able to get done today. Two to-do lists owned. /flex

I started with a bunch of ‘life’ stuff. I had to contact a handful of people (though Facebook). I messaged Sam about the phone, and Sabrina wanted to meet later in the week to talk about a script she can’t get working. I messaged Jin to see if I could remove a podcast I created for him from my Dropbox. I messaged Ray about the freelance and seeing how the rigs were holding up for him. I still haven’t heard back from him which is sort of not cool.

I checked out my assignments for my class this week. The way the class is structured is there are two main projects each week. So, this week, since I was up and being productive, I went ahead and did all of my brain storming and sketching for the assignments.

That’s sort of a huge deal because the person who posts first on the site ‘owns’ their idea. That means if you have a really awesome idea, but someone has already posted something really similar, you have to come up with something different.

So after my sketching was done I showered and went to school to scan my work and get it online. I was actually the first person to post for the week on both assignments. No slacking here.

While I had been working at home I went ahead and cooked, so I have food to look forward to. No more gross fast food nonsense for me. My body is thanking me.

I also replied to several of the Info Graphic posts on ConceptShare. My critiques tend to be more like mini novels, so that took a fair amount of time, but I felt it was worth it.

After scanning and posting my work for this new week I met up with Tre and we talked about his demo reel. I might be doing an animation piece for him. He has a mech, robot sort of thing that he just rigged. I haven’t animated in almost three years, so we’ll see how that goes. The animation idea is really nifty though, so I think I’ll enjoy working on it.

I left school around 5:30 so I could get to the dojo for taekwondo with Sensei Mike. Sadly I was the only one to show up today. But in a way that was pretty cool since I missed the class last week. I got to work all the way through the first form.

I’m still not very good at it because I have to keep stopping to think about where my arms are supposed to be. But I was able to make it all the way through, so now it’s just practice.

I got to see Sensei Ian for a little bit, but I didn’t stay for any of the Open Circle class. Instead I went to the gym where I ran 1.25 miles. Not solid, but I got to the 1 mile mark in 17 minutes even.

I got to do a bunch of stretching afterwards, too. So that was nice, and top that off with a hot shower… My muscles were in heaven.

Before I went into work I stopped by Publix. I didn’t have any food on me and I 100% did not want to go through a drive thru.

Instead I got a summer roll for the sushi bar, since I didn’t get my sushi tray when I went grocery shopping. I also picked up a pack of Special K protein shakes. Normally I get them when I grocery shop, but for whatever reason I thought it was a good idea to skip them this week… Since that’s currently what I am ‘eating’ right now, getting them was a good investment.

I came to school and ate the summer rolls while drinking water. Went into lab and got caught up on all of the WordPress reading that I haven’t had a chance to do. I feel bad that sometimes it takes me days to read a post. There were some really awesome ones though, so I’m glad that I got around to reading.

Several of the posts I read mentioned books, so I wrote them all down and will be adding them to my reading list. With luck some of them will have audio book versions available.

On the subject of books. I bought the taekwondo book Sensei Mike recommended a few weeks ago. I actually got two copies. One for me and one for Alejandro. Those should be here in a week or so.

I had to re-enroll for my benefits with work. There was a huge switch to a new provider and a lot of peoples rates when up. Mine actually went down, so I’m super happy about that. I even upped my life insurance coverage and it’s still cheaper. Woohoo.

And now I am over in ‘my’ little office cubical about to do the grading for the first project in my class. Clavan wants the grading done by tomorrow 5pm. I think if I don’t do it now, or at least part of it, that I won’t have it done in time.

I don’t know. Maybe I would. Tomorrow is kind of broken up though.

I have laundry in the morning, then some time, then a meeting with Sabrina at 5pm. Then aikido at 7pm. Going to the spin class at 9:30 am would be cool if I can get there in time.

With all of that I have to complete my reading, quiz, and discussion for school. Create a rough block out in Photoshop for one of my assignments, and then model assets for the second assignment since I’m going to make a CG image.

Basically for the ‘main’ project we have to ‘package the unpackagable’. You have to find an emotion, idea, or phrase and turn it into an object, then package that object.

I picked the term lion-hearted. It is a foundation for women. The slogan is “Unleash Your Inner Lioness”. Sort of cheesy, maybe, but I like it. I plan to create a CG scene with a glass container for the foundation, and then creating textures for the scene which will have the logo for the product.

Lots of work. But I’m totally stoked to get working on it.

But that’s added to the to-do list tomorrow. Without properly textured assets, there’s not way that I can pull off this assignment. So I need those first so I can create the UVs, so I can do the texturing…

I really only have two modes… “Hardcore, all the way, take no prisoners” and “zero fucks given”.

I think right now I’m in the first mode. We’ll see how well I survive this week with the workload I’m giving myself.

There is also a tutorial I need to look into. Rhonda is having an issue with her face rig, but I’m not familiar with the setup she is doing. So I told her I would watch the tutorial and try it out myself and see if maybe she is getting caught somewhere.

I don’t think, with all of that, that I would be able to do the grading, too. Not without something else getting sacrificed. But already it’s almost 2 in the morning, and I want to be up at seven.

Arg.

We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

Prompt Page 0022: Morton’s Fork

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“If you had to choose between being able to write a blog (but not read others’) and being able to read others’ blogs (but not write your own), which would you pick? Why?“

I suppose this is where I seem selfish.

If I had to choose, I would rather write. More so for the fact that writing has become my outlet, my way of staying sane, and communicating with my inner self.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to figure out the tangled mess inside my head. The thoughts keep moving, squirming, darting away as I try to understand them. Especially when emotions are involved.

Writing helps me find the peace, the calm that I sometimes lose sight of.

I love reading other’s thoughts. I love communicating with other people and seeing different perspectives. I love the connections I have made through blogging, and I feel this is something new that I have gained and a crucial aspect to this experience.

It is not merely the writing that I enjoy, but the reading as well. Reading other blogs, other comments. Other perspectives.

Before, while I was simply writing journal pages on my Google Drive I didn’t have the benefit of connecting, communicating, with others. I was stuck with only my perspective, only my thoughts, and if I wanted a different outlook on the situation I had to call a friend, my mom, or talk with a co-worker.

Blogging has given me a way to broaden my understanding of myself, and to have the opportunity to see how others view my interactions. How I may not be seeing all sides of a situation, which is important to me.

Or how others understand where I am coming from. That I’m not being ‘overly emotional’ and that my feelings are justified. Which, again, is important to me.

The thought of being illogical is one of my biggest fears, and is the main reason I reach out to others for feedback and perspective.

I feel I strive extremely hard to be fair, open, honest, and understanding. But sometimes the emotions are so strong that I feel blinded. I fear making the ‘wrong choice’ or doing something out of spite and hatefulness due to my lack of clarity on a situation.

Sometimes I just need to write and let all of the frustration and hurt out so I can see clearly on my own, rather than trying to bottle everything up and pretending that I’m ok.

Sometimes I’m not ok. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Not everything can be happy all the time. That’s part of life. And that’s part of my blog.

It’s the good and bad.

This isn’t my ‘highlight blog’. It’s not just the shiny, pretty things that I’m proud of. It’s not just about my accomplishments and the things I ‘want’ to show. It’s not just the good.

It’s the bad, too. The hard. It’s the uncomfortable things that we hide where they fester away inside ourselves; eating us alive.

I refuse to do that to myself anymore. So no. The bad deserves to have it’s place just as much as the good. And I will write about it.

I will write about my dirty palms, my scraped knees, my tears of hurt and shame.

This blog is everything.

It’s me. Imperfections, shortcomings, flaws, and all.

It’s my reminder that I’m human. That yeah, bad stuff happens, and sometimes people aren’t fair, and I still make a not smart choice now and again, and life can sort of suck every once in a while. But there is so much good that happens to me as well, if only I would stop to remember it. To look back and actually acknowledge the events, all of the events, in my life.

I don’t think it’s fair to say, “Pick writing or reading,” when both are such a huge factor in this experience for me.

While I might not ‘need’ to read other blogs as much as I need to write my own thoughts out, reading is still a necessity for me. It is still part of the equation and without it the experience isn’t whole.

This blog, any blog, is a way to communicate. And you cannot communicate effectively if all you do is talk, write, express.

You must listen as well. You must pause, wait, and breathe. You must be open to information, however it may come to you.

You need to be open to the idea that your words might not be the only words out there. And that sometimes, if you listen, even to the softest whisper, you can hear things that will change your world.