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Daily Post 012: The Weekend And Then Some

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The game plan had been to go to the dojo for submission grappling since it’s Monday evening. I think I’m going to skip out on it in favor of writing, though. I know that sounds bad, but it’s pretty understandable when I slip in the added information that I was awake at 4 am this morning and did boxing at 6 am.

Yeah… I’ve already had a pretty intense, “holy shit, my ass is kicked” workout… I don’t really know if I want another one when I still have to wake up and do a bunch of stuff tomorrow in addition to going to class. Maybe that’s me being weak. Or maybe I should listen to my body when it protests about having to climb up the stairs.

I’m going to go with the latter and hope I don’t regret it later.

So, yeah. Things. And stuff.

I started writing yesterday but didn’t really have it in me, so I stopped about two paragraphs in.

I’m pretty sure the last day I wrote was Saturday morning before the dojo. I had a good workout. I enjoy the conditioning classes. I didn’t see Jim there, but I guess he’s been busy with work. At least that’s what Akib said when the subject was brought up. That’s sort of lame. It’s been over a month since I’ve seen him.

We pulled up the mats and swept/mopped the floor under them in preparation for the new ones. That almost makes me think I should go tonight. I haven’t seen the new mats yet… Arg. No. I’m not going to go because I’m still easing back into things. I’ve only had one solid week of working out. I want to do another week of one hour before trying to up it to two.

The instructor for the Muay Thai class posted on my Facebook saying that I did well in the class. It made me smile. There was also a picture of everyone who stayed to help with the mat clean up. It made me smile and feel connected to see that on Facebook, too. It made me feel part of the dojo family.

The day was going really well after the dojo. Came home. Made a grocery list. Switched the laundry. Went to the store. Realized while I was in the checkout line that I had left my wallet in my gym bag at home…

Yeah, that sort of sucked. I had to put everything back since I was in a store a bit further from my apartment than my normal one. I had planned to get an Arby’s sandwich after the shopping which is why I had gone to a different location. I guess that just wasn’t meant to happen.

I drove home to get my wallet which is where things took a nose dive.

Warren was awake and in the kitchen so I decided to get it over with and ask him about rent.

He said he didn’t know if he would be able to pay for March.

I was quiet for an extended period of time because never in any of my imagines did I think he would not be able to pay rent since he had said he would pay February, and didn’t, so that meant he had extra money to for sure pay for March… right?….

Wrong.

When I was finally able to half way process through my thoughts I asked why he didn’t think he would be able to pay.

Finances weren’t working out.

… How are finances not working out?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he wasn’t making enough or what, but he was going to figure it out.

Was there a date when he thought he would have the information?

No.

What the actual fuck?

I didn’t know what to say. How do you not know how things are not working out, and what the fuck? You can’t give me a date when you’re going to look into this information and tell me how I’m not going to be completely screwed over?

I was quiet for another extended period as the shock started bleeding into hurt. I nodded, turned around, and walked back to my car.

My hands were shaking as I drove out of the lot back to the store; the one close to the apartment this time since I didn’t want my sandwich anymore.

I sent a text my younger brother asking if he could talk.

He called shortly after I got into the store. I was standing in front of the ketchup display when I answered.

“Hey. I’m about to break down into tears in the middle of Publix and I know this is going to be an “I told you so” moment but I really, really just need you to listen to me and not say those words.”

So Jon listened to my story. He listened to me say how I felt betrayed. In the fourteen years Warren and I have known each other, in the six months since I’ve let him live here rent free, after the $4000 dollars I’ve spent to help him, and he couldn’t be up front and honest and come to me and let me know that things weren’t working out?

I had to ask, and poke, and pry, and even then I couldn’t get straight answers?

What the fuck?

How is any of that ok? How could he think any of that would ever be ok? After how he knows about my past and all of the times I’ve gotten screwed over by helping people financially and he’s going to treat me like that? He’s just going to assume after I’ve told him money is running low and I can’t cover things on my own anymore, that it’s ok to not tell me that he can’t help?

I started going from feeling hurt and betrayed to angry. Furious.

Basically where the conversation left off was getting information about removing Warren from the lease. If push comes to shove I need him to leave so I can find a roommate who will actually contribute to the apartment. I knew I needed to have another conversation with Warren, but I also knew that night was NOT the night to do it.

Big Bad and I made plans to hang out. The idea was to watch 13 Assassins. I asked if he wanted to drink.

Big Bad: Heck yeah

Awesome. I didn’t have intentions at the time to get super drunk. Just a drink, maybe two, to take off the edge of the emotional pain. I wanted to indulge a bit in being irresponsible because it looked like the future was going to be a shit storm. You know… one last hoorah before going back to the grind of figuring out the cluster fuck that my life looked like it was about to turn into.

Well… Saturday Big Bad and I got pretty… intoxicated. Yeah. We’ll go with that. Intoxicated sounds so much nicer than trashed.

We started by going out to dinner, which was nice. He wouldn’t let me pay even though he paid for our movie outing after the Warrior Dash. He said once I had a job I could celebrate by taking us out. Totally, going to remember he said I could pay and do that.

We went back to his place where we had the bit of Disaronno with Dr. Pepper. I found that mix from Frank when I went to the Cards Against Humanity nights he hosted. He hasn’t done one in a while, but that’s our go-to drink for those events. We call them Double Ds. XD

Anyway, I didn’t have much left, so when it was gone Big Bad asked if I still wanted to drink? I did, which isn’t really normal, but since I was in a “zero fucks given” mindset I didn’t care.

Yes, I wanted to keep drinking. I wanted to have a good night and not worry about being responsible or figuring things out or not having a hangover in the morning.

I most likely could have driven. We didn’t have that much, but Big Bad did instead. He drove my car since he said his truck wasn’t clean. I was fine with it. I trust him, and we made it to the store and back without incident.

I guess me trusting him to drive my car seems less like a massive leap of faith when I mention that he’s let me stay at his house unsupervised while he’s gone to pick up pizza for us. Somehow I think leaving someone alone in your house outranks letting someone with a clean driving record drive your car while you’re in it.

So yeah. We got a bottle of 151 rum and continued to mix it with the Dr. Pepper we had.

The only thing I have to say in regards to that is, “Holy crap.”

Way stronger than what I’m used to. Wicked hung over, but the night was amazing and I regret none of it.

Big Bad had birthday balloons in this kitchen. He asked if I wanted to write messages on one. He said he would write messages on the other one and then we could go outside and let the balloons go together, letting our messages leave.

I said yes.

I wrote a message to Warren #1, my current roommate who isn’t paying rent. I said that I hoped this situation didn’t ruin our friendship but that this was a situation of survival now and that I had come too far to not choose myself. I would take care of myself first before helping others and that included him.

I wrote a message to Warren #2 as well.

I guess I should backtrack a little.

While Big Bad and I were at dinner, sober, we talked about our past relationships. I told him the whole situation with Zane, before mom’s hospitalization, the events during it, and the events after her death. I think he understands my feelings better.

He told me about his ex-wife. I appreciated him opening up and telling me more about their history. I asked if in hindsight he thought the divorce was a good thing even though he was against it at first.

He said yes. There had been more bad times than good, and that he had wanted to stay together for his children, but that now he thought it was better to be separated; not only for himself but for his kids as well.

I’m not sure how, but Warren #2 was mentioned and Big Bad asked about the story for him.

It was hard. I had to stop a few times during my telling of it. But I told him. I told him everything. The fight before hand. The rape. Being suicidal afterward.

I told him that I try really hard to remain friends with my exs because I was with them for a reason. I cared about them. But Zane and Warren #2 are two people that I don’t want to see again. I can’t be “the bigger person”. I still want them to hurt the way that I and others have hurt because of them so they know what it feels like. So they know what they’ve made other people live through. I want them to hurt so they learn and become better people. I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to wish pain on others, though, so I still feel like there are issues for me to work through.

Part of working through that was writing my message to Warren #2. In my message, I said that I would not give him the power to rob me of my present. I would not allow myself to live in fear of relationships and love and kindness because of what he did to me. I remember I told Big Bad that when you’re punched in the face by someone who says they love you it makes you question what love is.

I’m not going to let my fear control me. I will acknowledge it and I will relearn how to have healthy interactions. I feel like that’s what Big Bad is helping me do.

He has been nothing but accepting of me and supportive of the things I’m trying to do with my life. Saturday night was another instance where I bared emotional scars to him. Jagged, deep, sensitive scars and instead of thinking me as broken he listened and heard me. He held my hand while I told my story, and when we released our balloons with our messages into the night sky he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him so my back was pressed against his chest.

We drank more. We got bored with the movie and instead went outside in the backyard and started a fire in the firepit. It was the first time I’ve been in his backyard. He has two dogs that he normally keeps outside so it was the first time I got introduced to them.

It felt nice being able to be drunk around someone and for it to be a pleasant, fun, positive experience. I know I’ve had a few drinks while I’m with Sir. I’ve had drinks with Frank and everyone, but Saturday was different. I have a lot of memories of being afraid to drink when I was with Warren #2 because I knew we would end up fighting and I wanted to be sober in case I wanted to leave.

I didn’t have that worry with Big Bad. I knew I was safe and that I could enjoy all of it with him. And this is where I sound crazy as an INFJ and talk about vibes and feeling things, but it’s true. It was fantastic being drunk and all of my mental barriers being down and completely open to the energy around me. I didn’t have to hold back, and I didn’t. He didn’t.

Even though we both had headaches and felt rough Sunday morning it was an amazing night. All of it. The conversation by the fire, the balloons, the sex. I regret nothing. Not even the hangover I had to suffer through.

I can definitely say neither of us wants to drink like that ever again. At least not for the next foreseeable ever, but from our conversations since Sunday morning, I think we both enjoyed it.

Sunday we had coffee together once we finally got out of bed. Which took a while.

When I got home Warren was awake again. I didn’t want to have the conversation yet, but I did let him know that Jason and Jon weren’t going to help me financially. I didn’t ask Jason or Jon if they would. I think if I worded my request right they would, but I don’t want them to because it’s not me who’s not able to hold up my end of the deal. It’s Warren and I don’t want them supporting him. It’s not their responsibility to help me help someone else. So I felt like I needed to let Warren know that. I can’t do March on my own and I’m not going to be getting help from my family.

He said he understood and would figure his side out.

I went to my room after that and continued to feel like crap, not just because I was low energy from drinking, being up late, and in general recovering from the amazing night I had, but there were the nagging guilt and building stress of returning to reality. I curled up in bed with Scarlet and stayed there for most of the morning.

Big Bad was supposed to meet Corey to give him a check for computer parts. Not sure if I mentioned it anywhere but Corey is in the process of building Big Bad a computer. I thought it was going to be a quick meeting just to exchange funds.

It turned into Corey, Chelen, and Big Bad having lunch at my sports bar. I got an invitation asking me to join them, which I did. It was nice. We sat outside in the fresh air and shaded sunlight. A breeze was blowing which felt calming against my skin.

I think going out was probably the best thing I could have done for myself. It got me out of bed and showered. It got me back outside, moving around. It got me to eat a salad of tasty awesomeness and drink some more water.

Big Bad actually asked me back to his place after lunch. I don’t know how either of us could still want or even accomplish sexy time, but the human body is amazingly resilient.

When I left for the second time I came home and ended up going to sleep fairly early. Can’t imagine why…
I woke up at 4 am. It was an “awake” awake. One of those “This is a day where things are going to get done” type of awake. There isn’t the grogginess of having to fight through sleep, the dragging of one’s self out of the warm bed. I was ready to get up. I wanted to get up. I had things to do.

When I went downstairs Warren was awake, watching TV on the couch. He works nights so him being awake so early is normal. I sat on the couch next to him and was quiet for a little bit.

Eventually, I asked, “How you would feel if our situations were reversed?”

I still felt hurt and betrayed. I didn’t want to feel like that, but how else am I supposed to feel? I really wanted to know what his perspective was.

Warren: I know you’re probably tired of helping my sorry ass. I know I would be.

We had a really long, in-depth heart to heart conversation. We brainstormed different ideas, he told me different things he was looking into. He told me why finances weren’t working out. I told him how his choices were affecting me and why I felt the way I did.

I said by him not telling me about his situation that he took away a lot of the choices I could have made had I been given more time.

I think we’re on the same page now. I think we both feel better and less “the world is ending”. I’m going to give it until Monday before pressing more on the topic. I want to see what happens in a week.

I went to boxing this morning. I came home and made breakfast.

Oh. That reminds me. Big Bad and I figured out that the end of February will be when we’ve known each other for six months. It’s odd. It feels longer than that. We had been talking through texts so I sent one saying, “Happy slightly early six months of knowing each other”

He thought it was cute.

While I had been at his house Saturday, before the drinking, he said he had gotten something for me. I have mentioned a few times how the coffee I make at home is from instant powder and how I enjoy the coffee we have together in the mornings. He uses a percolator and actual coffee grounds. It’s different from mine and I like it.

Well while Big Bad had been out shopping for things he got me my own percolator and container of coffee to have at home with me. I absolutely love it. I totally hugged the box in front of him.

I used it for the first time this morning, sending him a picture of the percolator sitting in its new place on my stovetop. It actually looks good there. Most of my appliances are black and stainless steel so the percolator blends with everything. It makes my brain happy to see a gift from someone I care about in my environment. Even better that it fits and looks like it belongs there. And it’s something useful.

Best gift ever.

After eating I got ready for class. I picked out the threads I needed for a new cross stitch project. Its something for Big Bad. I think he’ll like it and I want to do something for him. I’m not sure if he’ll be overjoyed by it or anything, but I think it will mean something to him. If nothing else I think he’ll like it because it’s cute and from Star Wars.

Class was good. We started learning about EKG pathologies. There’s a lot of them. x.x

After class, I went to my sports bar. It’s something I’ve budgeted in for the next weeks. Instead of cooking lunch I go to my sports bar for a water and small salad. I study, make flash cards, research, whatever I need to do.

It keeps me out of the apartment for longer, resulting in more light and gives me a place to work since I don’t have a separate office space at home. I don’t work well in my room.

While I was at my sports bar I got an email from my contact at the hospital. He was forwarding me a job posting he thought I would be interested in. He said if he saw any others that he would send them my way.

I took a look at the posting. It’s for a Central Service Technician – Uncertified. Basically, I would be helping to sterilize surgical equipment and setting up the trays for surgeries. Part of the job would be getting certification within the first year of being hired.

I think I would seriously like that job. Cleaning, organizing, mostly introverted work. I would be working nights, which is a little lame, but they would be on the weekend which is sort of cool. That was one of the things I wanted. A job that left my week mostly open.

With a set schedule like that, I could look at getting a part time job after my classes finish. I’m hoping this pans out. I feel like I would like this position more than the position I interviewed for on Thursday. I think this posting is new enough that it hasn’t been filled yet, and I know my resume looks way, way better than it when I applied for the patient transporter position. I have two addition certifications listed, I have the CNA and EGK certifications in progress… On paper, I look way better for an entry level medical position that what I did two weeks ago. Go me. Hopefully, it works in my favor.

So I eventually came home and applied for that after calling Jon to tell him about the posting and finishing my flash cards. It was hard to sit and finish working on them after getting the email, but that’s part of the deal I have with myself for getting lunch out. I can do it only if I do my work. So work had to be completed first, then I could dash home to create a new cover letter and go through the online application process.

Once that was done I emailed my files directly to my contact at his request. That was around 4 pm. Since I haven’t heard back from him I’m going to assume that my information won’t be passed forward until tomorrow, but I’m hopeful.

It’s awesome knowing that my contact is actively looking to help me and that he wasn’t just saying pretty words in his last email to me. He reached out to me with a posting I didn’t even see even though I had checked the hospital’s page just last night.

Currently Big Bad is waiting for me to finish writing so we can hang out tonight. We’re both tired so hopefully, it’s a quiet night we were both relax and unwind from our busy days. I’m looking forward to it, and the morning where we maybe do strength training. Tomorrow will be a dojo day for sure. Jujitsu so I can finally wear my new gi.

It’s still too clean. I need some blood, sweat, and tears on it. Can’t get my blue belt otherwise. : )

Musing Moment 100: 2017 Resolution

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This is the first New Years without mom.

I had thought today would be hard, but just like my birthday and Christmas I made it through this day, and I’ll make it through the night, and tomorrow, and the days after.

Sitting here in the relative silence of my room, since it can only be so quiet with fireworks going off, I’m struck by how much I have been changed by the experiences I have had this year.

It started with running my first Warrior Dash on February 6th, an event I am about to do again. That race helped me overcome so much negativity in my past. Hurtful comments. Self-doubt. Things which were like cancer, eating away at me from the inside, irradicated. Gone. A stronger me taking the place of the person I had been only an hour before, emerging from the last giant mud pond with the unshakable truth of knowing I had completed the race. I WAS good enough and I had proven it to the most important person; myself.

Then March 28th dawned. At three in the morning I woke to what seemed like an endless stream of messages on my phone from my family trying to reach me while I slept with my phone on silent.

Mom was in surgery and we didn’t know if she would make it. I spent five hours on the first plane I could get to. Five hours of not knowing if she would be there when I landed. Five hours of begging the Universe with everything I had for her to hold on long enough for me to say goodbye.

This year taught me what it truly means to beg. I feel that is something most people don’t understand, can’t understand until they are in such a situation. Until it’s life versus death and you would give literally everything in your whole existence if only for a few more moments of life.

The two weeks that followed allowed me to understand what true devotion is. I devoted two weeks of my life to the kindest, most caring, most loving person I will ever have the grace to know. There were a lot of excruciatingly hard moments while mom was in the hospital, but there were a lot of really good moments, too, and I cherished every moment of every day because those were moments she was alive. Even if it was a bad moment it was amazing and I clung to it for not knowing if it would end.

And then April 4th, 2016.

Mom died.

It’s a cold, sobering fact in my life. Saying those words, typing them doesn’t cause the anguish it once did. It’s not that the words are easier. It’s more like the grief I feel is something I have grown accustomed to. I understand it better. I cope with it better.

At first, I raged against it. Struggled. Fought. I tried to control it with logic and rationalizations.

But emotions don’t work that way, and the more I tried to force the emotions to be something they weren’t, the more they swelled up until they were overpowering tidal waves that pulled  me down, submerged me, immersed me until the only things in life were the emotions I tried so hard to deny.

For the longest time, I struggled with accepting the terms “grief” and “grieving”. They felt so hollow, so empty. They didn’t encompass everything I felt. They didn’t capture the burning, scorching fire of rage. They didn’t capture the sinking feelings of hopelessness and isolation. They didn’t convey the apathy and flatlined stillness that filled most of my days. They didn’t carry the icy weight of abandonment.

It wasn’t until someone made the offhanded comment that grief transforms a person that I began to understand what I was going through. Grieving is a type of transformation. It’s not a destination or an emotion. It’s a process wrapped up into a single word.

Transformations take effort, and energy, and willpower, and time.

Looking back at all of the events, mentioned and unmentioned, which transpired this year I’m left aware of how this year has shown me who I am.

I am my mother’s daughter. I am one of many people who continue to carry her light. I will shine, and guide, and mentor, and I will be the person my mother raised me to be.

My resolution this year isn’t to form a new habit. It’s not a goal or a number to reach or a career placement to achieve.

My resolution is to be happy.

That was one of my mom’s last wishes for me. For me to be happy.

It took me six months to legitimately feel that emotion again. Long enough that I began to doubt my ability to feel it. I had begun to think I was broken. Damaged. My heart chakra marred for the rest of forever.

I’m not broken, though. I can still feel happiness and I will honor her wish. I will honor it this year and every year following.

I will live my life and I will live it in such a way that I am happy.

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Daily Post 086: Hanging In There If Just Barely

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Wrote this at 2am this morning, but didn’t have access to the Interwebz so I couldn’t post. It’s a bit emo. The emotions needed somewhere to go.
Today isn’t looking any better and it’s only 8am.

 

Today has sucked. And even though on a logical, detached level I know I can go and name off several things that were positive about today, and this week, and this past weekend, right now the overwhelmed introvert part of me who wishes desperately that I were home and able to sleep instead of doing laundry at 2 in the morning wants to sit and rant and scream and cry and rage that everything has sucked for days now.

 

The small moments I eke out where I read a blog here or there, reply with a comment, get one in return has really been the only thing keeping me sane and grounded.

 

How sad that I can’t even remember where the craziness started.

 

I remember witting about the potential, hypothetical, most likely not going to happen marriage idea…

 

/ briefly goes back over last daily post

 

Oh… I did write on Monday. Ok.

 

That means I get to start with the epicness of Tuesday. I biked to the bank hoping to get a money order for rent. I got there at 4:05… Guess when they close. Yep. 4pm.

 

/ flips tables

 

I went ahead and withdrew cash. I didn’t want to pay for rent that way. I wanted a paper trail, which is why I go with a money order instead, but whatever. I trust Trevor, and it’s the last time that I have to pay to him anyway. Not a big deal, and getting the cash meant the trip wasn’t wasted.

 

I biked to the gas station afterwards and got Gatorade then headed to school for the Shading and Lighting lab. So Tuesday ended up being roughly 10 miles instead of my normal 7.

 

Checking my work email is where things got not cool. Due to the Hall of Fame event this month there were two weeks where I was scheduled to work seven days in a row, including the Saturday of my race.

 

If it came between choosing work or my race, work wouldn’t win.

 

So, being the diligent employee that I am, I had emailed Clavan letting him know what was up, and requesting specific days off to make it easier on everyone. No guess work, I would rather not be here these days, by the way I’m taking the late labs for David so he doesn’t have to worry about daycare pick up.

 

Well, in the reply email that I saw on Tuesday it was suggested that I take different days off so I could be in the Shading and Lighting labs instead since their class is so much bigger than the Character Rigging class. I get that. I honestly do. Clavan is trying to make it easier on Tony who is already swamped. Having to fill in for a lab time would suck for him.

 

One of the days Clavan wanted me to work was the 6th. My race day. Soon to turn into my, “fuck work and all that it stands for, “ day. At least that was what I was thinking in my head.

 

Clavan called me at the end of the day and I mentioned how the only day I cared about was the 6th, and why I cared about it. He apologized and said he had forgotten about it. So I’m not working on Saturday. At least not this week. We’ll see how the other weeks play out.

 

The whole shading and lighting class is a cluster fuck this month. Because of the event the schedule is all sorts of jacked up. There’s a solid week where the students don’t have classes because they’re expected to go to panels and different presentations and award events and blah, blah, blah… it’s all noise to me.

 

Because of this we’re in a room that’s too small for the class. We seriously have to high jack chairs from other lecture halls because we’re short by 10, so it’s not even like it’s a small number. It’s pretty significant. And when Tony emailed the scheduling department about it their response was due to Hall of Fame there was nowhere else to put our class. So basically we have to “deal with it” is what I got out of the email conversation.

 

Yep. That happened.

 

I biked home Tuesday evening. It was a better ride than the one Monday. I don’t know if the wheel is behaving or if I’m getting used to the added resistance of the tire hitting the break pad, but there wasn’t wind when I biked home, which made it easier. There weren’t a bunch of dipshit drivers trying to run me over either, so that was a plus.

 

Zane and I ended up getting into a spat. I was over loaded when I got home. Bobby and his girl friend ended up coming over, which meant I really didn’t have a place to hide except the room. Zane followed me though, continuing to ask me questions and prod at me after I had already said I was overwhelmed, so I snapped at him. He got super pissed about that. I personally think it was disproportionate to what I said, which I can’t remember, but I remember the feeling of being trapped, of trying to get away by going to the room, and having the stressors follow me to what was supposed to be a safe space.

 

I remember him being angry. I remember feeling like a failure because I had communicated clearly. At least I thought I had. And I still ended up doing something wrong. Zane stayed in the living room doing his own thing, I think he might have played a few games with everyone who was over. I don’t know. I stayed in the room and slept until Zane woke me up by coming to bed. I got up since I was awake, had a snack of a handful of grapes, then ended up falling asleep on the couch. I didn’t want to go back to the room.

 

Wednesday. I cooked the rice and veggies that were going to be needed for dinner. I put the clothes away, and I forced myself to take time to cross-stitch. It was another windy day on the ride into work. If you ever want to know what 17mph wind feels like it’s sort of like this…

 

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I used a lower gear on the bike and didn’t give myself shit for it mentally. I kept my pace consistent and it was a good burn. I can feel my body getting back to where it was a few weeks ago, working out all of the kinks, sweating out all of the ickiness of being inside for so long. It felt good, yet annoying at the same time because I want to be a speed demon, even if the Universe has other plans about that.

 

David was sick so I had to handle lab alone. I didn’t mind. Honest. But it was the CRI1 lab. The good lab that asks lots of questions, and by the time the first four hours were up I wanted to crawl under a rock for the rest of forever. No more questions please. Silence. Blessed silence. I got 40 minutes of it where I shamelessly sat in an empty lab room eating my tuna and playing Dragonvale because it doesn’t take brain power to click on the little treasure icons that pop up on my phone.

 

The second lab wasn’t as rough as the first since there’s only six students in it. But it didn’t change the fact that I was completely exhausted by the time I was done biking home. I didn’t get a chance to work on my homework assignment like I had wanted, and by the time I got free time I didn’t have it in me to even cross-stitch much less anything else with higher brain power.

 

Zane had already cooked dinner when I got home. The kitchen was a mess, but I didn’t put energy into feeling anything about it. I showered, ate, and cleaned. I had more water, which I’ve been super good about. No dehydration headaches here.

 

Wednesday I stayed up later than Zane, but ended up going to the bedroom to sleep. We haven’t been able to spend much time together because I get home so late this month. I see him for a few hours and then he goes to sleep while I’m still amped up from the bike ride. Wednesday night wasn’t different. When I was tired instead of staying on the couch I went to the room.

 

That’s where I encountered Sleep Zane. I never know when I’ll run into him. Sometimes Zane is super sweet and cuddly, and other times he’s a complete dick when he’s asleep. Wednesday was Sleep Zane.

 

He was sort of diagonal on the bed when I came into the room, so I tried moving his feet out of the way so I could at least crawl into my little fetal position that I normally sleep in.

 

Zane: Jesus fucking Christ.

 

Sorry for coming to bed like you asked me too?

 

It wasn’t a warm fuzzy feeling. It made me want to leave. It made me hurt internally because I felt like I was doing something wrong, again. After all of the stress with work and the previous night and no real outlet for it because I haven’t been able to write, I haven’t done anything sexual since Friday, and I have no BDSM outlet, or art outlet aside from the hour of cross-stitch. Internally, spiritually, mentally I feel like I have all of this negativity building up inside me, and then I get cursed at.

 

Not cool, bro. Not cool.

 

So that sucked.

 

Around one in the morning I guess Zane was having a good dream because he started getting handsy with me. Woke me up actually and I thought things were going to go somewhere. But I guess he ended up waking up too because he said sorry, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

 

That’s when I got up and went to the couch. I slept like crap the rest of the night.

 

Zane doesn’t remember cursing at me. Not surprised. We both know Sleep Zane is an ass. He did remember touching me, though, and there was the promise of doing things later, but that didn’t happen. Later never happens in our dynamic, and right now that might be a bit of a bitter, jaded dig at him, but right now I also don’t care. I’m allowed to rant freely here and so I’m going to, that way when we have the conversation I know we’re going to have I can be rational about it rather than angry and hurt and rejected feeling.

 

So that leads into today. Originally I was going to get a ride to work from Zane. There was a 100% chance of rain that I didn’t want to deal with. After looking further into the weather forecast I noticed it wasn’t going to rain until later in the afternoon, so as long as I wasn’t a total slacker I could at least bike to work fine. After sleeping so poorly I opted not to do a 15 hour work day and to get more sleep instead once Zane left.

 

When I woke up I made breakfast and sat on the couch for a while, holding my coffee cup in my hands, letting the warmth seep into my fingertips. It was super windy outside again. Overcast and gloomy looking, like the inside of my head. I felt alone. On the outside it was in a good way. No one was in the apartment. I didn’t have to worry about pretending to be ok, or upsetting anyone.

 

Internally it was a bad alone. A disconnected alone. And there really wasn’t a way to fix that. Eventually I finished my coffee, showered, and biked against the wind all the way to work, once again staying on a lower gear and making it through the wall of Nope that kept pushing against me.

 

When I got to work I got caught up on all of my emails, both professional and personal. I took the time to reply to several people with mini-novels essentially. I completed all of the grading since Clavan wanted that done before tomorrow’s lab. That was a task, one that ate up most of my day, one that added to the never ending tunnel of “have to do”s and “must get done”s of what ended up being my day today.

 

I am glad that I added eat and drink to my to-do list otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.

 

The Shading and Lighting lab was intense. Mostly because it’s so many people in such a small room. When you’re already an overwhelmed introvert being in an environment like that is never going to go well. To top it off it was raining outside, so I was looking at that for the trip home.

 

Zane offered to pick me up, which I eventually accepted. I stitched an additional thread on my cross-stitch, but mostly I interacted with Frank who, of all days, wanted to be extroverted. We talked about bikes, and maybe doing another card night eventually, which thinking about more social obligations wasn’t helping me any.

 

I was so grateful when lab ended. As I was leaving Frank called out:

“Say bye to Jen. She’s off to run a Warrior Dash.”

 

Everyone in the lab wished me good luck, or said bye. One guy said, “I miss you already.”

 

Too cute.

 

It did make me smile and helped me hold it together as I walked back to the up stairs offices. I wanted to print out the event waiver that I have to sign along with directions for Saturday. Zane wasn’t at the school yet so I had a few minutes of silence in the down stairs break room. I saw Ari on the way out, though, so the small bubble of recovery I had been building was quickly burst, ripped to shreds, shattered. Whatever overly dramatic, mildly traumatic words you want to use to describe it.

 

I still had the post-work to-do list to work through. Dishes and cleaning and laundry before I could think about sleeping, much less relaxing.

 

Zane and I had another spat. At least I think it’s a spat. While we were in the room, before I went to do laundry, around 10ish, he mentioned that if I ever wanted to I could take advantage of him while he’s sleeping.

 

I was quiet for a long moment before I said that it was really hard to feel confident doing something like that. He asked why and I replied with because more often than not he pushes me away. When he asked how so I explained that it seems like every time I reach out he’s not interested or it’s a bad time. It’s like I’ve been conditioned for the answer to be no. I’ve learned not to be sexual towards him. That it hurts less to deal with the discomfort of being unfulfilled than to try to find satisfaction with him.

 

He didn’t like that. He said that I should go do laundry and that he was going to go to sleep. I felt like I was kicked out of the room. I took the dirty clothes basket and my backpack out of the room, set them by the kitchen table and curled up on the couch for a while.

 

I was tired of everything sucking. I was tired of being tired, of taking care of other people when it feels like they’re not returning the favor, and not just Zane. The kitchen was a disaster from Trevor and Danielle cooking their own food. John is in the middle of packing up his stuff to move out so a bunch of cups were shoved onto my shelf.

 

I didn’t want to go back out in the rain to do someone else’s clothes even though I needed to do my own so I have stuff to wear for my race. I wanted to stay home in the dark, alone. I wanted to be able to sleep well and uninterrupted. I wanted to not hurt.

 

At 12 I set my alarm for 3:30. I figured I would try to sleep for a bit, wake up early enough to get the laundry done before Zane went to work, then try to nap again at work, off the clock, since he has to drop me off early in the morning since I left the bike at school.

 

That didn’t work out, though. Zane got up around 1. I think he went to check the laundry card to see if we could do the wash at the apartment. I heard him leave. When he came back he slammed the door, literally stomped to the room, to another slammed door.

 

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. I got up. Went to the room to get my towel which I had forgotten, packed everything that I needed up, and went to the car. I stopped by the bank to withdrawal a 20 since it’s my turn to add to the laundry fund. I went back to school because I had forgotten to bring my lunch containers home with me when Zane picked me up earlier. And here I am, waiting for the clothes to dry, hoping I can out write my dying laptop battery.

 

Zane sent me a messaging saying that he loves me and that I should return home safe to him. Right now I don’t want to go back. I don’t want the stress of trying to fix whatever is currently broken between us.

 

I want to sleep. I want things to be ok. I want to have alone time. But tomorrow he wants to go out for date night, so after my 12 hour day at work, we’re going to go out to I don’t know where. I wake up at 7am on Saturday for my race. Sunday John is having the Super Bowl party, so staying at the apartment will suck. Zane wants to go to Sea World, which would be great except the previous day I’m running a mud obstacle 5k. Sitting on my ass would be way cooler than walking around for an additional how ever many miles, outside, surrounded by tons of people. And then beings the week again. And that doesn’t include any sort of grocery planning, shopping, or food prep.

 

That doesn’t include any time to work on my homework, which I actually want to work on. And that’s part of my discord right now. I wanted to work on my stuff today, and I never got the chance to, so I feel cheated and like even though I got a fuck ton accomplished that it wasn’t the “right” stuff. It wasn’t the stuff that would have made me happy.

 

I’m going to be super tired tomorrow and it’s going to be an intense exhausting lab before a night out. I’m not going to get any me time in the next foreseeable ever and my introvert is not ok with that and she’s making sure everyone knows she’s not ok.

 

Reading the blogs of others, hearing of their struggles, their plans, their funny moments, it’s helped. It’s helped so incredibly much to have a genuine laugh or a moment of true connection.

 

I still feel overwhelmed. The thought of having to fold the laundry seems so heavy right now, too much. It seriously makes me want to cry because I know once I’m done there’s another task that will take its place. Another thing that apparently only I can do.

 

I don’t feel loved. And that sucks, and that’s why everything seems so much harder right now that I feel it should be. I know I’ll make it through this. I understand why I feel this way, and I understand that it is a moment in time, just like all of the other bad moments, or good moments. They’re simply moments that add together to make the picture of my life. But right now it would be really nice to feel like all of the things I do, all of the tasks I tackle and bend space and time to complete earned me something in return. And right now it doesn’t. Right now it feels pointless, and that saddens me.

 

Maybe I’ll be able to sleep when I get home. Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake up.

Musing Moment 084: One Lovely Blog Award

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Thank you so much Tanya for your nomination. It is encouraging to know that my ramblings are thought of so positively. : )

 

The Rules:

Thank your nominator. Be sure to link to their blog to show some blogging love.

List the rules so your nominees know what to do without having to consult the Google.

List seven facts about yourself.

Nominate 15 other bloggers

Leave a comment on your nominees blogs so they know you have passed the award on to them.

 

Facts about the Dragon:

Oh man. This part always, with out fail, takes me forever.

I have not seen all of the Star Wars movies. And I’m not ashamed of that fact. And my nerd license can’t be revoked due to that fact because I actually make video games for a living. Take that!

Flying Lizard pose is my favorite yoga pose. Followed closely by King Pigeon. Neither of those people are me, and I feel like that should be listed as a fact, but I also think most people would think that’s cheating.

This is the third time I have had to go online and look up “Interesting questions to answer” in order to figure out facts about myself to write for a blog award.

Fuck Dr. Who. The second season of Attack on Titian was announced. Can. Not. Wait. : D

I sing while I’m riding my bike down the street, but only on days that end in ‘y’.

The only shoes I own are a pair of sandals and three pairs of Vibrams. Trust me, I thought they would be weird at first, too, but they are seriously the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn.

I hate buying “girly” body washes, shampoos, and conditioners because most of the scents give me headaches. They’re too perfumey / flowery for me. I like the scent of mint and eucalyptus best.

 

I still don’t follow 15 blogs. But. I’ll nominate the people I do follow because you guys are amazing and I love reading your posts. Thanks again Tayna, and know if you hadn’t been the one to nominate me your name would be included in this list. : )

Blogs in no logical order what so ever:

Welcome to My Little Piece of Quiet
Seven Years in a Drawer
Semper Fidelis
Runner with a Blog

The Shameful Sheep
Layers of a Rose
Little Book, Bell and Chalice
Plotless One

 

Daily Post 067: Productivity High

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I’m happy with today, despite my blunder with my blog earlier. I thought about waiting to write, but at the moment I am still awake. Like, awake awake. So it seems silly to wait and have all of these thoughts floating in my head. Might as well write now. I have the time, energy, and space to do it. Zane is asleep as is the rest of the apartment. Only the cats are up with me, watching me with curious eyes.

 

I got more done than I thought I would.

 

It started with waking up and having breakfast, followed shortly by “the lost blog”. I don’t know what happened. I was writing. I’m not sure if I finished writing. I think I did. Pretty sure I did in fact. I write everything inside of Microsoft Word before putting it on WordPress. So I think I finished writing then got distracted with something else and forgot that I hadn’t posted yet. So when I needed Word again for something else I hit command + a to grab all of the text then deleted it, because I was done with it. At least I thought I was.

 

When I looked at my blog later in the day I realized that I didn’t have my latest post, and by then it was too late to get any of it back. Guess I learned that lesson…

 

Anyway, I wrote, then went about cleaning up my notebook since I haven’t used it in roughly three weeks. I made my to-do list, keeping it fairly light for the most part. From there I made an appointment to get my car looked at. I believe I mentioned how the gas mileage has been on the low side. The breaks make a sqeaky sound sometimes, and I think the windshield wipers need to be replaced. I made the appointment for Friday at 1pm. I’ll be taking Zane to work, then having lunch at my sports bar like I used to, wrapping up the week, battle planning out the weekend, then get the car looked at.

 

I logged my bike rides from yesterday. I messaged a co-worker about meeting tomorrow. He had a question about my cross stitching and how I frame them. Since I am going to be on campus tomorrow I wanted to see if he would be available to meet up. We got all of that situated.

 

I called my optometrist to see about contacts. I had the thought the other night that I never see people wearing glasses at crazy mud obstacle 5k races. I’m not a huge fan of contacts, mostly because I don’t want to poke myself in the eye with weird stuff that doesn’t belong there. But the thought of losing or messing up my glasses is more lame. I figured I would call and at least get information about them.

 

Getting screened for contacts would be roughly $240 out of pocket since I’ve used all of my vision benefits already back in June when I got new glasses. Getting the contacts themselves could be up to $170 since I would need a different prescription for each eye. That’s way more than I’m comfortable with spending. I’m not sure how much the car is going to be. But I know $400 for eye stuff isn’t cool.

 

My benefits reset in April, so I think I’m going to tough this race out and not wear my glasses, or be very, very careful if I do wear them. In April I’ll use my benefits for the contacts since my glasses are still good.

 

After that mildly disappointing phone call I checked out my class online and made a battle plan for my assignments. By then it was lunchtime. I mixed everything together for tuna, then made myself a sandwich. I set up my calendar for the coming month while I ate, figuring out when I need to be on campus, adding all of my ad hoc appointments for this week, and figuring out when I want to take my day off since I’m schedule for 6 days each week.

 

With my month mostly figured out I started tackling my school work. I completed the reading for the first two lessons then began brainstorming for Project 1. That’s the playing card assignment where I have to come up with a design for the Jack of Hearts. I think I’m going to do something with Jack Sparrow. I have a rough sketch and some reference material already picked out. I also think I’m going to stick with a traditional medium this time ‘round rather than doing something digital.

 

I finally switched the bike seats back. That’s been on the to-do list for almost a month. I still need to ride around on my bike to make sure it’s the right height and situated properly, but the hard part is done.

 

Since Adam had responed to me about meeting tomorrow I went ahead and packed some stuff into my backpack so I wouldn’t forget it in the morning. I measured out the dimensions for the frame I want to make for Clavan’s cross stitch. When I have the car on Friday I’m going to be stopping at the storage unit to get my hack saw so I can cut the wood.

 

I typed up an email I wanted to send to my coworkers, asking for their support for my Warrior Dash. That took a bit of time, but I think it came out well. Zane liked it when I asked him to proof read it for me.

 

I unloaded the dishwasher since I ran it earlier in the morning. I printed out a character sheet since I’m going to be taking over a character in Zane’s game. We’re still working out the details, but I think it will be fun. I rewrote my blog while I waited for Zane to get home and cross stitched for a bit.

 

We ended up going to our sports bar for dinner since the stove still isn’t fixed. We talked about the character mostly and looked at what classes would fit her best. I think we’re going to go with Occultist.

 

It got a bit overwhelming towards the end. Trevor and Danielle ended up joining us, which would have been fine, but I was trying to read through all of the spells and stuff on the computer while blocking out the music, background noise and the conversation happening at the table. It was a lot of stimulation compounded with my confusion over what I was reading. I ended up giving up on it for the time being rather than trying to continue and getting more frustrated.

 

Zane and I cuddled for a bit after we got home which helped me relax and let go of the frustration. After about 30 minutes I got up to head to school. Zane is still doing his cat nap schedule, and I wanted to complete the recordings for my assignment while the school would be mostly empty. The perfect time for podcasting.

 

Originally I wasn’t going to stay very long. Just long enough to get the video I needed. I had planned to do all of the editing the next day. But one thing led to another and before I knew it I had edited all of the videos and found music that I layered into my Final Cut Pro file.

 

Since I was at school I took the time to go ahead and send out the email about my Warrior Dash. I sent it to myself first to test out the links and I’m so glad I did because the link to my fund raising site was messed up the first time. Yay for testing things!

 

I’m always nervous when I send something to the master distribution list. I’m worried that there will be a typo and people will think less of me. Or that something else equally as silly will be wrong. I’m hoping that I will get support from my coworkers. I’m hoping that I can reach my goal.

 

As I was packing up to go home Adam walked by the room I was in, so I got to talk to him early and show him the Quik Stik board that I use for my needlework. That led to a 30-minute conversation about needlework, threads, fabrics, and techniques. It was a really awesome conversation since I’m normally not able to converse with anyone about those topics.

 

And now I’m home. Zane is still asleep. He might be getting up in a bit, but he was pretty exhausted when we got home, so I’m not sure. He might sleep the whole night. I really ought to be asleep right now but I’m still riding my “productivity high”. I’m going to post this then most likely render out my video so I can go ahead and post it to my Vimeo in the morning. I could also cross stitch for a bit while I unwind and drink a cup of mint tea.

 

I have to be on campus at 11am tomorrow to sign my new contract, and I have lab at 1pm. I hope the second lab is a half lab and that I’m not needed for it. I won’t know until tomorrow though. Since I don’t have to meet with Adam any longer my day is a bit freer. Still a pretty packed day though.

 

For now I’m going to try to relax and slow down. I need to sleep at some point, and the sooner the better.

Musing Moment 0078: 2015 Revisited

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WordPress was kind enough to give me some statistics about my blogging habits. If you feel like knowing random trivia feel free to check it out.

Warrior Freya – 2015

A huge, huge thank you goes out to Ally, Mama Spike, Shrew, Seven Years, and Luna for being my top commenters. I’ve loved interacting with all of you and staying caught up on your blogs.

Another big, ginormous thank you goes out to everyone who reads and follows my crazy adventure called life. It’s been an intense year. Interesting. Fun at times, devastating at others.

Onward to 2016, the year of the Fire Monkey.

Musing Moment 0076: The Starlight Blogger Award

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award

 

An award given to celebrate creative bloggers who have truly inspired others through their beautiful and original content, imagery, art, abilities, and wonderful personalities.

 

What an amazing thing to wake up to this morning. Thank you so much Ally for your nomination and continued support. It helped brighten my day since the sun seems set on not being helpful in that regard. : )

 

The Rules:

Thank the person who nominated you.
Answer the posted questions.
Nominate six amazing blogs.

 

My Answers:

What is one social issue that you’re really interested in or passionate about?

Hmm… Just one is hard. There are so many things that I care about. Music and the arts in schools. The level of education of people in general and the dated concept that you have to have a college degree to be “smart” or a “productive member of society”. The LGBT movement. Acceptance, anti-Photoshoped ads, and minimalist lifestyles. Psychology and sociology in general and how understanding different personality types can help foster better communication.

 

You know… things… and stuff…

 

If you could have one wish granted, what would you wish for?

This might not be the warm fuzzy response that people want or expect, but right now, if I could literally have any wish, just one impossible, hopeless dream granted, it would for my mom to be ok.

 

What is one thing you really appreciate in other people?

Understanding. Empathy. Open-mindedness. Patience. Uniqueness. Conviction. Determination. Hope. Kindness. Sadness. Happiness. Authenticity. Wisdom. Honesty. Human error. Flaws. Vulnerability. Fear. Pain and sorrow.

 

I appreciate the stories and experiences people have had that shape them into who they are. I appreciate when someone takes the time to share those stores with me, when they give me a chance to connect with them on a deeper level. I appreciate when someone gives me their time, a part of their life that they’ll never be able to get back.

 

My Nominees:

The Shaming of the Shrew
Backstage Stitches
Storyshucker
Runner With a Blog
INFJoe
D is for Doodle

 

My Questions:

What is the wisest thing you have heard someone say?
What, for you personally, makes life meaningful?
Who do you look up to and why?

 

There’s no obligation to accepting this award. I think they’re fun and I like passing them along to others when I receive them. Hopefully you guys like playing along, too. : )

Musing Moment 0068: The Respect Award

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respect

Yesterday morning started off like any of the others these past two weeks. Breakfast followed shortly by an almost 4 mile bike ride to my work. A decent warm-up / workout to start the day off with some endorphins. And people think the phrase “high on life” is a joke…

As I poked around on my computer, drinking water and cooling off, I had the amazing pleasure of being surprised with a nomination for the Respect Award by Shrew.

This award is given to fellow bloggers who:

“… consistently reach out to other bloggers, offer support, are understanding of the differences in people, and who treat themselves and others with kindness and respect.”

Thank you so much Shrew for having such a high opinion of me and for your nomination. Hopefully I continue to live up to this honor. : )

As far as I can tell there are no rules for this nomination. No listing of facts about yourself or min / max for fellow nominations. Honestly, part of me is relieved that I get to skip the three-hour torment of sitting in front of my computer with this face…

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I do have some fellow bloggers I want to acknowledge, though. You guys have been an amazing support for me over this past year of blogging and I am so grateful for your friendship and advice. You all have definitely earned my respect and I am honored to be able to nominate you for such a fantastic award. : )

My Piece of Quiet
Seven Years in a Drawer
Semer Fidelis

You would be listed here too, Shrew, if you hadn’t already been nominated yourself. : )

Thank you again for such a wonderful surprise. It made me smile the whole day.

Daily Post 011: Gyromancer

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I wrote on Monday, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’ve been away from my blog for ages. And even with that feeling not a lot has changed or happened so I don’t have much to write about.

Honestly I’ve been avoiding writing. Or maybe avoiding is the wrong word. I haven’t wanted to write. I’ve been self-contained, inside my shell, and writing is an expressive, “outside” thing. So it hasn’t seemed all that appealing.

I’m still sort of in that mindset, but at the same time I want to ramble. I want to write and not worry about the thoughts flowing together properly. I don’t want to care about having it feel like there’s a conclusion and that everything is wrapped up nicely with a pink bow on top.

I watched Big Hero 6 for the first time last night. There were parts that were really hard to watch. The feelings of loss and anger. Of feeling like someone abandoned you. Of not wanting to lose more people who are important to you. Yeah…

I don’t really know if that has anything to do with how I feel right now. I don’t think it does. I really enjoyed the movie. I think it was cute and well done. I didn’t cry or breakdown during the sad parts, though my eyes did burn. Go go controlled breathing.

Zane and I sat next to each other cuddling through most of it. I had my giant purple sheet with me, wrapped around me burrito style. It was nice.

Most of yesterday I played games. I got Bejeweled 3 for my computer and played that all day while I was at work aside from the five or so questions I had from students. When I got home Zane let me play my Gyromancer profile while he finished watching Cut Throat Kitchen or something like that. It as a cooking show. When the movie was over we went back to playing the game.

He’s glad that we’ve found something we can play together, and something that seems to let me float away from the stress. I wish it was something that was a bit more productive, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t help something inside me.

It doesn’t take thought for me. Finding the matches and getting fairly high scores lets my mind melt. And that’s what I did all day yesterday. I looked at my school stuff briefly. Zane and I went grocery shopping in the morning before I went to work, and I got Frank a birthday present.

It’s a $50 gift card. I got a card to go with it. I thought it was pretty cute. It said “All I got you for your birthday was a card, but if I were rich it would be different…” and then on the inside it said, “I would have gotten my assistant to get the card for me.”

I thought it was cute and that he would like it. On the inside I wrote a little message saying that if I had an assistant they would have most likely gotten the card to him on time, too, since I didn’t actually see Frank on his birthday. But that it was better late than never, right? I said that I hoped the card let him do something that he wanted to do, like going out to dinner with Natalie or getting a game he wanted.

He tried to give it back to me saying that it was too much. But I wouldn’t take it back. He also asked me when my birthday was and I said that I didn’t have birthdays. XD

I know he will want to “pay me back” but that’s not why I got him the card. I really want him to be able to do something nice for himself. He helps me out so often and is kind to me. Yeah, he’s sort of extroverted and talks me to when I’m trying to work sometimes, but Frank’s a really awesome co-worker and his friendship means a lot to me. I felt it was the least I could do.

Speaking of paying back. I did talk to my mom and thanked her for the Publix gift card. I said that I felt bad about it because I didn’t want her to think that I talked to her only to get help. She assured me the card didn’t have anything to do with that. She said she had wanted to send me a gift card for a while now, but had never gotten around to it, so the conversation the other week sort of sparked the action for her. The thought had always been there.

Zane and I used most of it for the shopping this week. It’s a low week, which means we got a bunch of “junk” type food. Corndogs and frozen burritos. Some frozen veggies and instant mashed potatoes to go with them. We got a frozen veggie lasagna as well, and stuff to make tuna sandwiches. Chicken breast was buy one get one free, so we got two packages of that to put in the freezer. We also got three boxes of Hamburger Helper with two pounds of burger to go with it when I actually cook.

Yeah… I feel like a college student again. Oh wait… I’m still a college student technically. I was going to write about how I feel guilty for eating crummy food because I should be better than that… but nope. I’m still allowed to do this.

Muahahaha. Take that, Life. Instant guilt-be-gone. Just add homework. XD

Anyway, like I said, the past few days have been low and I don’t think the week is going to change all that much. So instead of buying a bunch of food that would need to be prepped and cooked and most likely wasted because I really don’t see myself wanting to cook all that much, Zane and I agreed to have an easy, “comfort food” type week. I’m most likely not going to go to the gym much either. Just not feeling it. That whole being around people thing… It’s over rated at the moment. Staying at home in burrito sheet mode playing games with a cup of coffee in front of me sounds so much nicer. More relaxing. More calming.

Monday is Zane’s first day of work. Monday. So close. We’ve almost made it.My week of alone time. My break from the world. This psychological battle is almost over, and Monday beings my rewards for holding out, for making it through, for surviving the demons in my head.

Zane and I talked a little last night while we were trying to fall asleep. I asked if I could get his opinion on something that was bothering me. He said yes, so I took a breath and went for it.

I said that I know things are fine, and that they are going to get better, but that there is a part of me who feels like things will still never change, and that I’ll be sad for the rest of forever. That there’s a part of me who feels like I should be sorry for that. Sorry that I can’t see myself being happy again. All I can see is this darkness that’s still clinging to me, this tar, and I can’t make it go away. It clings and is heavy, and when I free myself of it it’s only briefly, a short break from the weight and icky-ness of it before it comes back, tarnishing everything.

I feel like it’s an actual “thing”, and that because it exists, because it follows me like some unwanted, neglected creature that I should apologize. If only it didn’t follow me. If only I hadn’t done something to attract it. It’s my fault it’s here and I’m sorry.

That’s what I feel. That it’s my fault I’m sad and that because of that I am unworthy, guilty, and that I should be the one to make amends for… something. I don’t know what. But something. I have to atone.

And even as I write that I can see how unhealthy that mentality is. Sadness and depression aren’t things a person should apologize for. Even Zane said that I had not to be sorry about. He said that he understood why the situation was hard for me. When I said that I didn’t understand how he put up with me because I find myself frustrating, he said that yeah, sometimes I can be frustrating, but that it was ok, and that he understood. He’s not going to give up or leave me over this. He said that it will be ok. That we’re ok.

It gave me a bit to think about. I ended up sleeping in the living room because I needed space. We’ve been acting more like friends than lovers, but that’s what I need right now. I need someone I can pass the controller back and forth with. Someone who will debate on which comfort food meals will be the most comforting Someone who will run out to Arby’s and get fresh baked cookies that we shouldn’t be eating. Someone who will ruffle my hair playfully while I’m angrily telling the TV that that was not the move I wanted to make as they walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I’m scared and worried and sad, but I have a friend I can come home to. A warm hug. It makes it seem worth it right now. I look forward to going home because it’s where I feel emotionally safe right now. Everything else has people who wouldn’t understand, who don’t understand, and at the moment that’s energy that I don’t have or want to waste.

I did get a fair amount of stuff done this morning. The first of which was checking my email.

I guess Florida State University in Jacksonville doesn’t offer the Maya Certification test like the Autodesk website says it does. That’s four places I’ve checked now, and none of them offer my test. I’m about ready to flip tables over this. I’ll figure it out. I’m not going to give up on it. But I’m not going to worry about it today. It’s frustrating to know that it’s taking way more effort to get this done than I feel it should.

So that started my morning. After email and drinking a bottle of water, something else which I have been a little slack on the past two days, I had breakfast while I set eggs to boil for tuna, and put the lasagna in the oven to cook since that was going to be roughly two hours.

I loaded and ran the dishwasher. By then Zane was awake so he cleaned the cat’s box, I put the cloths away, just in time to do laundry tonight when I get home, he prepped the hookah, and we sat for a few hours and played more of Gyromancer together while smoking mint and berry tobacco before I showered and went to work, which is where I’m currently at.

I’m going to finish making the tuna when I get home, do laundry, and I don’t know what else, but while I’m here at school I’m going to work on my homework for the week. And in my mind that will be doing good for today.

I think I’m going to keep this week fairly light. My goal is to make it to the end. Anything that gets taken care of along the way is icing on the cake.

I’m content today, and that’s enough for me.

Dragon’s Horde 0042: Time Well Spent

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time

Title: Time Well Spent
Designed by: Jennifer Aikmen-Smith
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: September 29th, 2015

Stitched for Seven Years

Hey Seven Years,

So I know this isn’t an origami crane, but with every stitch I thought of you and your amazing friendship. I thought about the support and kindness you have given me. I thought about every time you gave up part of your day to respond to one of my posts or comments.

I thought about how you’re a fantastic person and how grateful I am that I have been able to connect with you through our little blogging sphere.

I would love to be able to send this to you so you can have it. If you don’t mind sending me a message at conley.setup@gmail.com we can figure something out. : )

I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. *cyber hugs*