I messaged Mother Earth last night. She had sent me a second message saying that it had been five days since the break up. Five days since she had messaged me.

In those five days I hasn’t responded at all. I kept looking at the message. Every time I got onto Facebook it would be there. Staring at me. Letting me know that, yes, I am a failure. That I have hurt someone.

Overly dramatic brain is overly dramatic…

I hadn’t responded at all. I really didn’t know how to. I wasn’t ready to respond. And so the days kept going by. One after the other. The numbness still inside me, making me feel heavy, detached. Tired.

I had a new message last night. Mother Earth wanted to know if I was still coming to the wedding since I hadn’t responded yet.

It hurt reading it. But I can’t blame her for asking.

I responded by saying that I was worried about what to say. That it felt like anything I said would just make things worse, and that I was sorry for disrespecting her. I said that I would like to still be at the wedding.

She said she would like for me to be there too.

It’s still just information to me. It’s like I’m on the outside looking down at little cells in a dish. Some contained environment, playing out for the observation of someone, something, else. It feels sterile and so outside of the warmth of natural life. And right now I’m ok with the coldness because that makes my inner hurt seem less. It makes it more bearable with all of the other things I have to keep on top of. It makes it someone else’s hurt.

It’s not mine. I’m out here looking down.

I don’t know how I can be her maid of honor. I don’t feel like I deserve it anymore. I don’t see how she could want me to fill that role. The not understanding causes discord, but I don’t know how to phrase my questions or feelings without coming off as emotional and irrational. Rude and insensitive. Hostile maybe.

I can’t figure out the wording, so I stay silent, which I know doesn’t fix anything. If anything silence makes it worse on both ends. I don’t feel like I can be open right now though. I don’t feel ready to talk.

I feel so out of balance right now. I haven’t been working out because of my schedule. I haven’t been cross-stitching. I haven’t been able to get back into my routine since the move. Though to be fair part of that is my own doing for spending a fair amount of my past two weeks with DM.

I have started to squirm my routine into our interactions, though. I bought coffee and creamer so I can have coffee at his place in the morning, and I have cooked breakfast for us a few times. Eggs with cheese, since I don’t have the other things I would mix into them.

It’s not much of a routine, it’s still sort of chaotic and figuring out how we mesh together. But I like it, and it’s as good as I can make it right now.

I made a to-do list the other morning while eating and drinking my coffee on the couch. And it felt good. It felt unrushed and relaxing. It felt restoring. DM was sleeping in the room, so I had the space to myself. He got up shortly before I left so I was able to have a goodbye kiss before going to work. It was really nice and something that made my day warm. There’s a part of me that would be ok with incorporate interactions like that into my routine.

And it sucks that even after I type all of that, even after I remember and feel all of the positivity of those interactions, I still feel burnt out right now.

I have already taken care of most of my school assignments for the week. I have completed the brainstorming and sketching for both projects. That leaves creating the block out and then finalizing the compositions. I’m going to work on the block outs tonight hopefully.

I’m so tired right now, though, even though I slept for most of the morning. But I guess I really didn’t. I went to sleep at 2am, and my alarm went off at 10am. That’s eight hours. I spent another hour and a half in bed, thinking about getting up, but not. Normally when I get burnt out I sleep for 12 or more. So maybe that’s part of it. Maybe I should be giving myself more downtime. More quiet time.

Right now I want to curl back up in bed, under my super comfy, warm blanket, and just stay there. For a day or two, maybe. Not for forever, but for a while. It feels like the most peaceful thing in my mind right now. Alone. Solitude. No sound. Just darkness, and the warm feeling of something soft wrapped around me.

But I know that’s not how it would be. My roommates would make noise. The dogs would bark and click around in the hallway. I would hear their conversations, the movies they would play on their computers. I would hear them in the kitchen.

It wouldn’t be the relaxing time that I need and want. I wouldn’t be alone, and knowing that fact would feel like sandpaper on my skin.

I feel sort of lame that even as I thought about hiding under my covers in darkness, there was another thought of laying on the couch with my head in DM’s lap while he pets my hair as we watch Archer. There’s part of me who would want him under the covers with me, my head in the crook of his arm, breathing in his scent as I quietly talk through the things on my mind.

Damn you, Emotions. Screw you and all of the illogical BS that goes with all of your illogical… illogical-ness…

Total subject change. : D

I found my wallet. I’m actually not sure if I wrote about that. I retraced all of my steps at school and couldn’t find it. And of course Security is closed on Sunday because why would anyone want to find their lost items over the weekend…

I went to them yesterday morning though while Frank was doing the introduction speech for the lab, and they actually had it. Huzzah! One less thing I have to worry about. I was able to get gas for the car because I was super low. That made me feel better. At least I don’t have to worry about not being able to get to work.

I also talked to Clavan about my schedule. He agreed to take two of my days this month, so I don’t have to work the 48 hours. I’m back to a scheduled 40 hours of labs each week. That still leaves me with no time for admin. Frank and I are working things out. I am not going to be able to host the PCC Critiques this month because of my schedule, which I don’t like. But Monica is going to take over for a little while, so we don’t have to stop them out right.

One of my friends agreed to be the guest speaker this month for our AMA, so that’s awesome.

As I mentioned, I got my assignments in a good spot so at the moment, day two of the new month, my schoolwork load is manageable.

I’m writing a post so I can stop feeling like a slacker in that department…

I really wish I felt better about things. I wish I didn’t feel so tired and rundown. It’s like a brick wall ran into me… They really should watch where they’re going.. Jerks….

I know this is just a recovery phase. I’ll get better. It’s just frustrating at the moment.