It’s the end of the day and I’m still a little wired. I’m still at work. I’m still thinking about my project because I want to keep working on it.

But it’s getting late. I’m supposed to be at home. I’m supposed to be getting ready to go to sleep so I can wake up again.

I’m supposed to be doing stuff. More stuff. Other stuff. My mind is on a roll and my body wants to follow. Maybe taking an extra day away from the gym was bad. Maybe I should have gone running so I would be tired now.

I’ve already cleaned out my notebook, which is normally a Friday task. I never got around to it last week so there were tons of papers and to-do lists. There was all of the pre production pages from my school assignments, too. All of this extra information, extra stuff, just sitting there, cluttering up my notebook.

No longer. Those pages are gone.

I went through and figured out what things I wasn’t able to get to this week. Surprisingly not a lot is being transferred. I’ve been staying on top of things really well despite all of the abnormal things I’ve had to get taken care of. Eye exams, doctor’s visits, and blood work mainly.

And even while all of this is going on inside of my head I’m being introspective.

I got a notification on WordPress the other day saying that it was my one-year mark. It’s not one year for this blog. That started around September, but I had an old blog. The one I created for RB so he could read my daily writings. That was the start of blogging for me.

It’s a sobering fact to realize that it has been one year since I have known him.

It makes me remember some of the posts I made during that time. How I don’t have them anymore. I remember the one I wrote for Fly by Ludovico Einaudi. I had been listening to the song on repeat for I don’t remember how long, and I ended up writing about what the song triggered for me. It had brought to mind a bird flying, soring and being free only to be caught in a storm and ultimately die. I had written how I felt like the bird, that I was falling and struggling. I wrote how I wanted to hold the sparrow while it died so it wouldn’t have to die alone.

I wish I had that post. Out of all of the months worth of writing I’m not sure why I miss that one the most. Why something so sad is the memento that I want for that time period.

I suppose it fits with my overall character. I like morbid things, the ones that make you cringe and pull back because it touches something personal and deep inside that makes you uncomfortable. It makes you aware of something within yourself that is normally ignored or looked over, but this thing, this trigger, forces you to acknowledge that not everything is happy, warm, and fuzzy.

I guess, as messed up as it might be, the bad things, the icky things, seem more real to me. It’s easy to fake happiness, to smile and pretend. I can easily type that today was great and no one would know the difference. I can smile as I walk down the hall even though I might be shattering on the inside.

But when it is something negative, it’s real. It’s deep. It’s personal and not a facade.

And I guess that’s why I want my sparrow post the most out of all the others. It was another post that was a real glimpse into me. It wasn’t a post about being productive, or what I had for lunch, or what silly thing I got my self into.

It was me bleeding onto my keyboard. Pure, raw, unadulterated emotion.

I still listen to that song sometimes. It’s a good song. And I still can see the sparrow flying, graceful, carefree. And I can still feel its struggle as the rain begins to fall.

I’m not really sure where my brain is going with this. I can’t get that writing back. I can’t get any of it back, and I accepted that when I deleted the old blog.

It makes me wonder if I should do anything to celebrate. I don’t think so. I don’t know what I would do to be honest. I have a hard enough time celebrating my own birthday, let alone the birth of something wholly intangible. I wonder if that makes me cold and heartless. If I love my blog so much shouldn’t I do something?

I guess part of me would think of it too much as celebrating an anniversary that doesn’t exist. I don’t want to celebrate the start of either blog, the old or new. I don’t want to celebrate the act of blogging itself. I really would have been ok to not having received that notification.

I still think about how I couldn’t meet him. I still haven’t made peace with that yet, and maybe that’s another reason I want my post and why I have that song playing right now.

There is another song I have been listening to today. The Winter by Balmorthea. I guess today is a day for instrumental. I don’t know why this one speaks to me yet, but it does. It’s touching something in my heart chakra.

Today has actually been a pretty low-key day. There’s not much to report. I cooked the lentil dinner, which turned out pretty decently. I will make a few changes the next time I make it, but it was good enough to know that I will make it again.

I went to school and was able to send the email to Clavan finally.

I replied to several posts on my class discussion board. I did my initial research into my project concepts and then stayed at work to block out the design. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made today. I went from zero to over halfway done in one day. I think that’s the best I’ve done in a while, especially on a bigger project.

I can tell I’m getting more confidence in myself and my ability to come up with and execute designs. I don’t fear the blank canvas as much. It’s not a barrier, a wall reflecting doubt and insecurity back at me.

I really don’t know where I am right now. it’s a weird mental state. I’m not really detached or disconnected. I feel very connected with myself, but it’s internal. Sort of like I’m inside my shell.

I know the world is out there, but I feel, a lot, on the inside right now, and it’s sort of distracting. It’s calling all of my attention and so the outside world seems fuzzy and distant. It’s unimportant because there is this other sensation that requires my focus.

I don’t know what it is. It’s a lot of things, all mixed together. There’s a bit of sadness, a sense of loss. Remorse. Acceptance. Acknowledgement actually might be a better word.

I am aware of something within myself even if I haven’t been able to identify it yet. There is something that needs attention. Healing, I think. Otherwise I don’t think the notification would have bothered me. I don’t think I would want my post so much if there wasn’t something that would be soothed by having it.

I don’t want to think that the start of something was also the mark of the end, which I think is what I think about my old blog. I deleted it because that was the end for me. I don’t want to celebrate that. It hurts still. It wasn’t a happy thing. I don’t want a trophy icon to mark something that I think is solemn.

I want a moment of silence. A bowed head because that short time of my life meant a lot to me.

If I could print out that post I would, and I would hold the papers to my chest and most likely get teary eyed, but that’s what I feel like doing right now. I want to hold that moment of my life, that poor little sparrow and comfort it while it passes on, like the one in the song. I want it to feel loved and cared for in its last moments. To let it know that even though it fell that it was magnificent for the time that it flew. That it’s flight was worth it. That the pain was wroth it and there is nothing to regret.

I guess this is what I get for being all right brained right now. Nothing but emotion and artistic creativity. Exaggeration and color and dancing through my mind as the music plays over and over, moving me around, spinning, twirling until I’m lost within myself. Immersed in the feelings and memories. The good, the bad, like so much water against my skin.

Drowning. Sinking.

That’s what it reminds me of.

The Winter reminds me of drowning. The quiet stillness that comes at the end as the water holds you, cradles you, as you let go and slip beneath the surface. Maybe that is what I am acknowledging. That I need to let go and let it slip away. Maybe that is why I want the post. So I could have something physical to represent the action.

Maybe I should do something as acknowledgement, not celebrating but accepting.

I will meditate on this.