acceptance

Musing Moment: 0037: Nerding Out Over Aikido

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So one of my blogging buddies, Seven Years in a Drawer, asked me to write about aikido. Since I love nerding out over it I figured I would make a post about my experience so far. : D


How did it start?

It’s actually a pretty funny story, at least to me. Frank, a coworker and I were talking about working out, biking I think. Something to do with the gym. It came up that I wanted to do something more boxing related, but that I really didn’t want to learn how to hurt people. That wasn’t the point of it, I just felt like I should know how to fight and defend myself. Part of my warrior mentality I guess.

Anyway, he mentioned that he had been looking at a form of martial arts that I might be interested in. Aikido Orlando Dojo. We poked around at the website before we left work. At the time it was 1am. I went home and looked further into the website because I was super curious.

One of the things on the website that caught my attention was, “Harming your opponent harms yourself.”

Since I am exploring more into Buddhism this mentality really jived with me. It’s not about beating your opponent into a bloody pulp, or about being a killer death machine with your elbows (even though I joke about that a lot). Aikido is about being able to react to a hostile situation and defuse a threat.

I noticed there was a class at 7am that morning, so I set my alarm and got there towards the end of the class. I spoke with Sensei Ian for a while, and sort of impressed him with how much research I had already done on aikido and the dojo.

The first session was free, so I said I would think about coming back and trying it out at some point. It wasn’t until I got back to my apartment that I realized I had left my wallet at the dojo. I felt it was the Universe’s way of telling me to go back.

I’ve been a member of the dojo since mid-January.

How does it help me?

There are a lot of ways that aikido helps me.

Community

It gives me something to be part of. The members of the dojo are so accepting. Everyone has been the ‘new’ student, so there’s no judgment on not being able to do rolls, or forgetting what hand is suppose to grab where, or what position your feet are suppose to move to. Everyone is learning and growing, and everyone is willing to help foster that growth.

Confidence

It has helped make me more confident in myself. No, I may not be the thinnest person on the planet. And honestly, I’m never going to be, and I’m ok with that. I can still do pretty awesome stuff. I can still have a strong connection with my body and feel its potential. I can still be strong and capable. I can prove to myself that I can overcome fear.

It’s not that I think I’m a badass and want to go walking down dark allies to be a vigilante, beating up muggers or anything. I don’t know how to really explain this side of the feelings. It makes me feel good to be able to preform the moves.

Energy

And this is where I show my INFJ colors and start talking about energy and connections and stuff that people think I’m crazy for. Zero fucks given. I’m going to talk about it anyway. : D

When I do a move correctly, I can feel the energy pass from my partner into myself, and then back to them. It’s an amazing feeling. It’s very much like dancing. You can feel the connection to your partner. It’s more than just physical touch.

It’s sort of like trying to explain color to a blind person. If you’ve never experienced energy before, then none of this will make sense. There’s nothing to base the words off of. Nothing to relate it to. How are you supposed to know what blue looks like if you’ve never seen color?

Once you experience it though, you’ll never forget it. It’s one of the main things that draws me to aikido and taekwondo.

Health

There’s the added health benefits. Aikido isn’t about strength or speed like a lot of other martial arts. In a lot of ways it’s like yoga. You perform the moves to the level you are comfortable with. It still has you moving around though, and it can be a fantastic workout if you make it one.

I also have amazing instructors to help me. They are super encouraging and that means a lot to me. They want me to do well, and there’s never any pressure to be better. They answer any questions I have, even if it’s not really related to what we’re being shown. They indulge my curiosity, and my introversion. Especially sensei Jan and Beata. They’re amazing.

Tradition

I’m pretty big on tradition, and there’s a lot of that with most martial arts. I am able to clean the shrine and help take care of the dojo, which makes me feel like I’m an actual member. I feel invested in my dojo and the heritage and mentalities it represents. I like what aikido stands for, and so it gives me something to have pride in.

Conclusion

Over all aikido has been a fantastic experience for me. I feel like it is helping to build me into a better person and it will be something I continue with.

Musing Moments 0031: The Come to Freya Meeting

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I decided I needed to sit down and have a conversation between myself and I. This is what resulted from my ‘come to Freya’ meeting.

Hey you.

So we haven’t has a ‘come to Freya’ meeting in a while. And that’s ok. Life has been crazy. Trust me. I was there with you. I know what all went down.

Cars getting towed, getting sick (twice), soul mates getting put into ICU, best friends leaving, failing a class for the first time ever, moving into a new place and getting all of that arranged, roommates having their own drama, tons of people getting married (soon having kids), craziness at work that you still can’t really talk about, passing out in public (I’ll never let you live that down <3 )…

Is it any wonder that you feel frayed right now? When was the last time you had a normal week? When was the last time you felt like you could stop and catch your breath?

I’m not upset with you. If anything I wish I was another person, someone on the outside, so I could give you a hug. A much deserved hug of reassurance and love.

You’ve done so well holding shit together.

So a few plates are dropping.

It’s ok that you haven’t been going to the gym. You’ve been legit sick. Beating yourself up over it isn’t going to make you feel better (physically, emotionally or spiritually), and you know that. The kinder option would be to let it go. You haven’t messed anything up. You’re still doing amazing. The past few weeks do not define who you are.

You’re not a slacker. You’re not wasting your time. You’re still doing good. It’s ok.

You know that realization we just had sitting on mom’s couch? It’s true.

Right now we’re just like our hair.

We’re awkward.

Yep. We said (typed?) it. We’re awkward. And that’s ok.

We’re in this weird transition phase, and we’re sort of losing sight of where we want to go. All we can see right now is that we’re not where we want to be and that’s frustrating.

That’s normal.

Remember that day you shaved your head? Remember how it was raining when you stepped out of the salon and you felt the rain on your scalp for the first time? Remember how pure that sensation was?

That’s not gone. That still happened. It’s not a forgotten memory lost for forever. That day marked the start. That marked us returning to our roots, remember?

It’s been six months since then. Our roots are growing, and now we’re not sure what direction we’re really growing in.

Can you believe it? It seems like so long ago, and yet wasn’t it just yesterday?

We’ve come so far. But we know there’s still so much more to travel yet, and we’re getting discouraged. The sky and sun are so far away…

We’re in the long middle. We’re fumbling around and being awkward, unsure of where to go next, where to turn.

Should we branch out? Continue up? What if there were leaves? Flowers? Is that a birds nest? Oh, look! Squirrel!

We’re so caught up in the here and now that we’re sort of blindly moving, hoping that it’s going to turn out right. We’re breathing faster and faster, and wondering why we’re not getting enough air.

Back to that whole awkward hair analogy (because we like to tangent in random directions)…

You were so proud of your shaved head. Fuck the world and what they thought. Maybe you were terminally ill, maybe you were a rebellious 20 something year old sticking it to society. Maybe you were some butch lesbian.

Who cared what other people thought?

Who cared about the stares of admiration and disapproval and confusion. You got all of the looks. And it didn’t matter then.

Six months later and your hair is trying to form those long curls you used to have, but it’s not long enough for it yet, so it’s just awkward. It wants to tuck back behind your ears, but can’t do it just yet, and it’s so incredibly close to being able to be pulled into a small little ponytail, but again, just ever so out of reach.

It’s awkward, mildly annoying, and you’re wondering why you thought it was a good idea to shave your head. You’re wondering if guys will ever look past the shortness of it to see you. You’re wondering if you’re doomed to be single simply because you have short hair.

Why are you worried about guys in the first place?

Part of you wants to say boys are stupid, and to a certain extent yeah, they can be. Most guys have a hard time picking up on the whole emotional thing, or how you’re super sensitive even though you’re a warrior. Ferocious dragon and all that.

A relationship takes two though, so at some point you aught to have communicated better. And that’s something you’ve learned and can take into the next relationship you have, be it with a guy or a girl.

The point is, this journey wasn’t about finding another person. It wasn’t about ‘guy / girl approval’. So why are you worried about it factoring into the equation now?

Who cares if your hair is awkward, or if you are awkward?

Them? The outside? The faceless crowd? Are you really going to let their imagined opinions bother you?

Why?

What do you feel?

Sad. Knee jerk reaction. Interesting.

Ok? Why sad?

Because you feel alone. You feel the loss of Tre and that friendship. He was someone who gave you unconditional acceptance. He listened to you for two years. You listened to him. There was a bond of camaraderie there, and it hurts to lose that.

I understand. Really, truly I do. And I feel you have a right to ache and in your own quirky INFJ way mourn for that end.

It will be ok. You know it will be, and that this is a temporary moment in the fabric of time. Accept the emotions, acknowledge them, but don’t let them whisper untruths to you.

You’re not alone. First off you’re sitting in mom’s house and she’s amazing and loves you unconditionally. You have Sammie and Josh. You have Mandie and Allison, and Jin, and so many people in your life. You have Jon and Jason. You have the dojo now. You have your co-workers.

You really do have so much love in your life. Don’t be scared to turn to people when you need strength. This loss is hard for you. There isn’t anything wrong with that. If you need a hug don’t be afraid to ask for it. You’re so quiet and strong all the time. Not everyone picks up on vibes like you. Not everyone is going to know that you need support. You’re like…. 1% ish of the population as far a personality types go. There aren’t other INFJs in your everyday life. Except Marcus… He might actually be a really good person to talk to right now…

It’s not weak to ask for support, or for someone to listen to you. It’s not lame to ask for a hug. It’s not a failing.

People want to be there for you, but you have to let them actually be there for it to work. Maybe it is sort of ‘letting people in’. Maybe it is being a little vulnerable. But none of the people listed above would hurt you (intentionally, thanks for having to chime in Logic… ) in a million years.

They love you and want the best for you, and sometimes the best is having a friend who’s shoulder you can cry on. Sometimes that’s what you need, and that’s ok.

So sad for Tre. Anything else?

Worried about the move. Another valid point.

And with that all we can really do is wait and see. Jeremy is awesome and you seem to get along well with him. The four monster dogs have already accepted you into the ‘pack’ and even curled up with you when you napped the other day, so that should be fine.

Things with Ashley will settle down as the two of you figure out territory and such. There’s always a transition period. Deep breaths, don’t freak out. You’ll be ok.

You know, I think it’s a good thing that we’re back home with mom. I think this is a good break for you.

I think what you aught to do is forget about most of those pesky ‘responsibilities’. You’re on vacation right now, so why not actually take vacation?

I think you should finish up your schoolwork tonight and tomorrow. I think that should be the only reason you get online. Aside from that I think you should unplug.

Put the 30 Day Challenge on hold. It will still be there when you get back. You don’t have any bills to pay, so don’t worry about finances. Don’t worry about the weekly recap you didn’t do. Put your phone on DnD and let Facebook know you won’t be around for a while.

Don’t worry about writing daily posts…

Sometimes you just need to take a step back and soul search, and we haven’t really given ourselves much time to do that.

We’re awkward right now because we’re losing sight. So instead of continuing to hope and pray that we make it through everything, why don’t we stop for a second and reevaluate what’s going on inside?

We’re hurt and we need to come to terms with that. We’re slipping on things that are super important to us which is causing imbalance (gym, dojo, personal projects).

Don’t let that get you down.

Look at how awesome you are, figuring out where is issues are stemming from. Remember how we couldn’t be that before? Remember how for years we felt lost?

We’re not lost right now. We’re not even really off of the trail. We’re just looking at the ground, at our feet, instead of where we’re going. If we look up in time we can avoid that tree we’re about to run into.

Wouldn’t that be awesome? To finally avoid the issue we see coming at us?

Look at us being a bawce.

We can’t change the events in life. We can’t make Tre come back. We can’t make Sammie and Josh come back. We can’t make mom move to Florida, or Jon come back from Germany.

Those facts suck. But they’re facts, so being angry or sad over them isn’t going to do much good. All it will do is take away from the peace we deserve to have.

Remember back to that rainy day. Remember back to all of the potential we felt.

Our journey isn’t done. Not even close. It’s such an adventure. It might be the long middle, but it’s ok. The awkwardness is part of the journey. It’s part of figuring it out.

Stay true to you little earth dragon.

Step back from the world. It’s ok to go back to your den every once in a while and regroup.

You’re not bad. You’re not awful. And you’re not alone.

Do some meditation. If you need to, write. Enjoy your time away. You don’t get it very often. It’s your time. Do what you want, when you want. Sleep in. Go on walks with mom. Go running. Go to the library. Maybe let a few people know you’re in town. Get lunch with a friend.

Or don’t. Maybe you stay at home the whole time helping mom around the house.

Whatever. It’s your vacation.

Go to the beach! You haven’t been to the beach in so long. Even if you don’t go in the water. Go running on the sand, bear foot. Do it! It will be so good for you.

Take sunscreen…

Put your feet in the water, sit in the surf, pick up seashells. Throw things into the ocean with all of the force you can. Let that be the anger and hurt, and throw it away. Pour all of it into whatever object you hold and throw it with all of the strength you have. Yell if you need to. Let people think you’re crazy. What does it matter? You’ll never see them again.

It’s not their journey. They don’t have to understand or approve.

I understand. And that’s enough.

I understand you little earth dragon. And I love you.

You’ll be ok. I know it’s hard to believe that. And I know it’s easy to say that it’s not true and to pull away from everything. You hurt and it’s so easy to believe that’s all there will ever be. But that’s not all there is.

I promise. Go outside. Go to the ocean and let the water wash you clean.

Let your heart chakra bleed and heal, and know that no matter what I love you. forever and always.

Now go do your homework. <3

Current Theme Song
Ice Pops – Mrs Jynx

Musing Moments 0022: 30 Day Challenge – Day 13

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Relationships are the focus of day 13. This was the day that I dropped off the second time. Not so much because it was hard and I wasn’t ready for it. It was more because I became so introspective that I needed to take a step back and hardcore analyze my life.

Who was I associating myself with? Who were my friends? What state were my relationships in?

The first time I got to this point in the challenge I realized how weak I had let my most important relationships get. My relationship with my mom and brothers, my relationships with my friends from college. The handful of people I still cared about from high school.

I had been so focused and wrapped up in my own internal battles that I had withdrawn from the people I loved, and it took this challenge for me to realize just how far I had pulled way from the world.

I realized what relationships I had in my life that were negative and dragging me further down even though I was doing my best to stand up. I realized how that negativity was eating away at my efforts.

So this can be another really intense day. It’s another day that calls for brutal honesty.

Today’s homework is to look at the relationships in your life and to identify which ones aren’t healthy for you, and which people in your life push you and encourage you to be a better person. What relationships deserve more of your time and energy, and which ones might be better off falling to the wayside?

Unhealthy Relationships

It pains me to list Ari here. I have interacted with her a handful of times this month, passing each other in the halls, and it has been fine. But I feel it is more a ‘calm before the storm’.

Part of me wants to hang out with her, and to be able to go back to the pub and have drinks and a fun time, but I don’t think it would stay that way. I know she still has feelings for me, and I don’t know how to contend with that when I have already stated what I am comfortable with as far as our dynamic is concerned.

I’m not sure what else to do other than to keep my distance, which doesn’t solve the problem. Keeping my distance feels like a band-aid, letting infection fester under the surface. I have already been open and honest, I have already spoken my words. What other remedy is there? What can be done when those words are not respected and honored other than to walk away?

This is something to meditate further on. However, this is the only relationship in my life with any sort of infection.

Inspiring Relationships

My family will always push me and inspire me to be my best. Without their love and support I wouldn’t be half the person I am today. My mom and brothers are always there for me, even when I mess up.

My mom said it best when she said, “If any of you turned into a serial killer, I would be mildly disappointed.” That is unconditional love and acceptance, and I will always be grateful for having my family members in my life.

Mother Earth is another person who makes me strive to be the best I can be. I want to bring her honor, for her to have pride in who I am, and pleased with the person I am becoming.

I want to be an inspiration to her. We’re both striving to better ourselves. If she can do it, so can I. And if I can do it, so can she. We’re each other’s strength.

She is the Mother and I am the Dragon. We are both Earth. Different facets of the same diamond.

Sensei Jan. I’m not sure why I am so drawn to him. And I feel bad that I feel closer to Jan than Beata, because I love them both. But there is something about Jan, much like Mother Earth, were there is an acceptance and understanding. Some connection which I cannot explain in words. It is simply a feeling, and as an INFJ I am very protective of this vulnerable and misunderstood aspect of myself.

I cannot express it, but I will defend it, fiercely, to the very end.

I feel we are both warriors, that he is my mentor. Not just for aikido, but in life. I respect him. I feel he is honorable, and of good character.

There is a level of understanding, unconditional acceptance, like from my mom and Mother Earth, which might be why I’m so comfortable around him. It’s ok if I mess up, if I am not perfect. He will still be there. He will not be upset or get frustrated with me.

He will still clasp my hand as if we are commands in arms at the end of training, before I leave the dojo for the night. He will still smile and bow to me, and I will return the action as a sign of respect and honor. We will still make inside jokes, and tease each other about ‘bringing it’ when we’re about to practice a technique.

He didn’t think I was silly, or immature for my anger about the bank. He understood where I was coming from.

He’s a guy, a male, who accepts me for me, without the worry or expectation of a physically intimate relationship. I feel safe around him, and I feel like he understands that and understands how much it means to me.

He’s helping me to remember that friendship and love are more important than the feeling of bare skin, and that it’s not wrong of me to value those things more than physical intimacy. Just because most of my age group doesn’t seem to hold the same views as myself, doesn’t mean that I am ‘wrong’. It’s ok to be me, weird and quirky, seeing the world through vastly different eyes than those around me.

Often it’s like I am talking to myself when we have conversations. We have the same views, the same principles and morals. It is as if we are of the same cloth, the same clan. He and Beata are part of my inner circle now even though I have not known them for very long, and I want to be a better person for them. I want them to have pride and honor is calling me their friend.

I feel I need to invest more time into these key relationships. Especially with Mother Earth. I do not stay in touch with her as often as I feel I should. I need to make time for the people who are important to me, just as much as I need to make time for my projects and homework.

Everything is a balancing act.

30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson

Musing Moments 0005: A Very Inspiring Blog Award

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Once again I cannot express my thanks enough to one of my followers, Samantha, who has nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blog award.

Thank you, all of you, for your encouragement and support.

The Rules:

Post the award on your blog
Thank your nominator because they’re awesome
Post the rules so people know them
List 7 facts about yourself
Nominate 15 other blogs for their awesomeness

Se7en Facts:

Every time I come to this section for an award post I go through the same thing…

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Seriously, I spend more time trying to figure out what to write about myself then I think it would take for me to achieve world peace. So seven things about myself, that I haven’t already written…

1) The most recent addition to my bucket list is to travel to the Iwama dojo in Japan. It’s essentially the mecca for aikido.

2) My Celtic zodiac is the Falcon, and my tree is the Elder tree.

3) If I were to ever marry I would want a torc instead of a ring.

4) I can remember the first time my dad sat me down and showed me how to color inside of the lines. It was a coloring book for Peter Cotton Tail.

I don’t remember much about the page, except that the mommy bunny was there. I remember that because my dad colored her dress blue. It was the first time that I realized lines were important.

That was when I also realized that the absence of color was just as import as color itself. The reason the bunny’s apron was white wasn’t because we used a white crayon, it was because we didn’t color it at all, so it stood out against the blue.

5) The reason I got into computers was because my dad ended up bringing one home for work while he was stationed in Georgia. My mind was completely blown that the computer knew how to shuffle cards without using hands…

6) For me, aside from physical touch, the greatest sign of affection is cooking. By cooking a meal for someone I am expressing my wish for them to be sustained and nourished. Most people I cook for don’t know it’s such a meaningful act for me. Welcome to the secret world of INFJs. Everything is deep.

7) One of my hobbies is making maille. One day I will make a full shirt. >:3

Interested in more facts about me? Feel free to check out these posts: Versatile Blogger Award and Liebster Award.

Other Fantastically Awesome Blogs:

Still a slacker in this department, so I don’t have a full 15. But these blogs are amazing and definitely worth checking out. : D

Seven Years in a Drawer
Semper Fidelis
Welcome to My Little Piece of Quiet
Backstage Stitches
Green Bean Life

Luna’s Universe
Candy Volcano
Simply Puzzle Pieces
The Professionally Depressed Professional
Kattie Kate

I know some people think of these awards as chain mail letters, or games of tag. But I think they’re fun, and they are inspiring and thoughtful. So hopefully you guys will let your inner child come out and play tag with me. : )

Prompt Page 0029: Cut Off

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“When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?“

Not all that long ago actually.

As an introvert you would think that being alone wouldn’t bother me at all. And for the most part it doesn’t. I tend to need more space than most people, which is something I have learned to accept about myself, and something that the people closest to me understand.

There are times though, where simply being in the presence of the people who matter to me feels like a necessity, just as much if not more so as breathing.

It’s hard when the only thing you want in the world is the one thing you can’t have. It makes the spirit long for it that much more.

The one thing which would fix all things is so agonizingly out of reach.

It leads to what feels like an all consuming depression for me. One that is extremely hard to combat on my own. In fact I pretty sure I would lose those battles if it weren’t for the people in my life.

Without them I would tear myself to pieces in self destructiveness.

Things have been better recently. This has been a long journey which I felt consciously started after breaking up with Warren #2, but thinking on it, I feel it has been going on even longer than that. Maybe my whole life and I am just now seeing how all of the events weave together.

Lessons that seemed disconnected are really part of the whole.

I have seen my mom twice in the past two months. I have talked to my younger brother a few times. I have been more active in my communication with Mother Earth and J, and we even set up a relationship dynamic which works for us, so I feel as if I belong.

There have been a lot of really positive relationship building events which have occurred since I have moved in with Joshua. It’s hard to believe that was five months ago. It’s hard to think so much time has passed, and yet at the same time, only that much time as passed.

It feels like eternity and the blink of an eye at the same time.

The lows I have felt seem so small now when looking back from where I stand. I have come so far, and the loneliness I have felt, and sometimes still feel is part of that journey. Part of my growth.

Mother Earth and I were talking before my trip back home, back to Orlando. The conversation we had about my catching the bouquet at my cousin’s wedding.

How I felt alone and that I wouldn’t find someone. My other half. How it felt like it was never meant for me, and how the flowers made me sad because I felt like I didn’t deserve them.

She said that I am much like her.

Things in my life feel under control. I feel like I am able to manage everything, and that my natural instinct is to find someone to care for. Someone to give my time and energy to.

She said that even though that is what my inner voice, my inner four year old, is crying out for, that the real thing I need right now is to be in a relationship with myself. That I need to continue to focus on me, invest in me.

I am doing so well, and making so much progress. I shouldn’t lose sight of that. I may not have a true, conscious destination, but I know I’m not where I need to be yet. There are still things I need to learn and figure out.

Things that I wouldn’t be able to figure out with another person. Which is why I think for right now it is a good thing that the relationship between Mother Earth, J, and I is long distance.

I am close to them spiritually, emotionally, but I have the physical space to figure things out. I have the space to unpack all of my inner boxes, make a mess, sort through things, throw out what isn’t needed anymore, or what should never have been packed in the first place.

I can figure out what is important, what should be kept, what is a part of me and what are the things are from others.

Sometimes that process is lonely. Sometimes I look around myself, like now.

Sitting outside with the morning breeze, birds flying, cars driving to and fro.

Life moving past me as if I don’t exist, don’t matter.

And sometimes that makes me feel lonely. I think about the people I love and how I can’t drive over to their house and play games, or watch movies.

We can’t go get lunch. There are so many things we “can’t” do because of physical distance. And that hurts. Sometimes that’s a heavy fact that I don’t want to bare. Sometimes I rage against it, and refuse to accept it, and in the refusal my spirit suffers.

And other times, like now. I sit alone and I feel at peace. I am in Orlando. I am in a place where my loved ones aren’t. But I am where I need to be for the time being.

Accepting that this is my life, and that, for the moment, this is where I am, brings me peace.

It is not for forever. It is for right now.

I can live with right now.

It’s not always fun or pretty. Transformation can be brutal. But I am working on being a better me. And I feel that is a worthy cause.

I’m working on a second degree, and once that is complete, a third. Both of them for free. I am working on becoming financially independent, which I achieved a huge step towards by removing all of my exs from my financial life. I am working on taking back my paycheck by paying off debt.

All of that is possible because of where I am at and my current job, which I honestly do love. I get fulfillment from teaching and helping others.

I may feel lonely sometimes, but I am never truly alone.

Sometimes it take a phone call to remind me of that. Sometimes I need the voice of a loved one to calm my in inner child and to reassure me that just because I can’t have the physical reassurance, the tangible side of the relationship, doesn’t mean that the feelings are any less real.

I am loved, and I am where I need to be.

Daily Post 0050: Clear Lines

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Once again a significant post lines up with a significant number. I feel this is right on some weird level in my brain. This was meant to happen now.

It’s 9:30. I woke up a little while ago. My phone died yesterday evening and I never bothered to go to my car to get the charger. I don’t have to be anywhere until 1, so there was no need to set the alarm.

I woke up on my own and stayed in bed for a while. It feels like I haven’t done that in a while. Enjoyed the morning without having to rush somewhere.

Yesterday was a crazy day, and I’m surprised I’m as recovered from it as I seem to be.

I had CRI1 lab which was fine. I got to finish setting up the rig for my character and started weight painting.

I suppose I should explain that a little since I keep tossing jargon into my posts.

Rigging, or character setup, is the process of taking a 3D model and giving it a skeleton so it can move around and be animated. There’s two big parts that go into this process. 1) Creating the rig and actually putting the bone structure into the character. 2) Getting the 3D model to move with the skeleton.

The second part, getting the character to interact with the skeleton is known as weight painting. I tell the 3D model what parts of the character should listen to certain joints and move around. That way the left hand joint doesn’t effect the right thigh.

Trust me, you see some pretty screwy stuff in 3D Land.

Weight painting isn’t hard. In fact once you get used to the tools and have a general workflow down it’s pretty mindlessly easy. It basically turns into 2 to 24 hours (depending on the model) of jamming out to music.

The most annoying part to weight paint, at least for me are the fingers. What’s cool though is as long as the 3D model is symmetrical, you can paint one side of the body and then use a specific tool to mirror, or flip, the weighting to the other side, so you really only have to do half the character as long as you do it well.

So that’s the stage I got to during lab.

At 11 Desiree came in and we brainstormed and talked a bit about an interface she is doing for Marc. We talked about usability and getting the base functionality established, and then areas we could look at pushing the tool further once she reached her first mile stone.

Tre came in during that so we talked about code for a while once Desiree and I were done talking. We talked about the PCC critiques, and our freelance. All sorts of stuff. But I didn’t get a chance to work on the project further due to the conversation.

I was alright with that. I had the rest of the day to work.

After lab I met with Sabrina and we talked about more code and how to recreate GUIs based on a user’s choice. If they click this button, then display these options, else display this other set of options.

She’s trying to make an interactive text adventure game. So we got the base concept of the game working, now she just needs to swap out the placeholder images and text for the things she actually wants to use, and then create the different branches for the game.

We’re going to meet again so we can talk about variables and passing arguments to functions, which will streamline her code immensely. Right now she needs to understand how to call different functions, and see the way the code is interacting with the different sections. So she’s pushing forward, which is great.

After Sabrina left I started talking with Mother Earth. I had some time to kill before my meeting. We ended up getting into a pretty indepth conversation, and I had to leave before it was finished, which sucked.

It sucked even more that my meeting was way not cool. We got dropped with a bomb shell yesterday.

All of the degrees are going to go through a major overhaul, and a lot of our classes are actually going away.

The two classes I teach are going to get cut down to only one. VFX is going away completely, so I can’t imagine what Ari was feeling.

“By the way, your classes aren’t going to be offered any more. Have a nice day.”

We were reassured that no one was being let go. No one was getting fired or anything along those lines. Staff numbers weren’t going to change.

There were a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered though. There’s a lot of information that we don’t have. And this change is supposed to roll out at the end of March.

Thanks for the heads up…

In all honesty, if the change ‘starts’ at the end of March that means there will be four months of general education classes that the students have to work through before they being getting into their core classes, so our staff won’t start seeing them until July-ish.

It still sucks though. I would have rather been told in a small department meeting. This is serious, career altering news. I don’t think it was fair to just drop it on everyone like that. No one knew about it, or was prepared.

And me being all introverted and INFJ-y and stuff didn’t appreciate the shock to my system and then feeling it from everyone else.

Frank had messaged me since he hadn’t been able to attend the meeting. He wanted me to let him know if he missed anything important.

I texted him back saying, “Oh man. You have no idea what you just missed.”

I ended up calling my mom after the meeting to talk to her about it. I told her that I didn’t know how I felt. Not good. But that I thought I was more angry about the delivery then that actual changes to the system.

I’m pretty over it right now. Whatever happens, happens. If I end up not liking the new system then maybe this is the way the Universe is telling me to leave once I finish off my Digital Arts and Design degree.

All we can do is wait and see.

So I ended up coming home after talking with my mom. I needed to get away from the school and people.

I didn’t go to aikido. Sensei Jan and Ian are out of town so it was going to be the substitute guy again. Which I really didn’t want to see him. He’s alright, and I enjoyed the class the other night, but I was having to deal with the whole work meeting, and there was the conversation with Mother Earth and J that I was in the middle of.

I could only handle so many things in one day. Mr. New Dude just didn’t make it on the list.

I had already given up on working more on my freelance. Most likely not the best decision, but that meeting literally torched all of my motivation for everything.

So when I got home I got back online and continued talking with Mother Earth and J.

So this is going to be another sort of defining post where I write for myself and not for the opinion of others.

Mother Earth and J are going to be married. They were an established couple way before me, and I value and respect that. We all do.

But there is a very strong connection between Mother Earth and I, and I feel a very strong level of respect and understanding between J and I, since I am so similar to Mother Earth.

I grew very close to both of them in the short amount of time that we lived together. And what was amazing, at least for me, was how even though there was flirting and warmth, it was very non-sexual.

It made me feel secure and worthy of affection simply for being me.

My introversion was never looked down upon. My crazy schedule was respected. Chores where divided up between everyone. I really enjoyed it despite the issues that Sir and I were having.

Or maybe because I had that example to compare Sir to I realized faster that what he was giving wasn’t healthy, and that he wasn’t really giving anything.

It hurt a lot when they moved to Texas. I knew it wasn’t personal, and I never thought of it that way. It took me several months to actually feel the lose of their company, and maybe that has to do with being introverted. I don’t need a lot of contact, but when I need it I legit need it to be there, and they weren’t.

I remember the night I drove to the Waffle House we used to eat at and broke down in the parking lot because I felt so horribly alone and being there made me feel closer to Mother Earth and J.

I remember how I drove home and Mother Earth sent me a text message and how she called me and let me cry on the phone.

They have been so kind to me, and have shown me nothing but love and acceptance.

When I made my post about catching the flowers at my cousin’s wedding Mother Earth called me to talk again. She said that I might be saying I was fine, and I might even feel fine because I was packing stuff up and keeping myself busy, but she knew under everything that I really wasn’t. That I was bothered and as soon as I got on the road and was alone with my thoughts that they would start eating away at me.

She said that it wasn’t a sad thing, or a mistake that the flowers found their way to me. She said that if anything it was a sign that such a powerful symbol of love and affection found its way to me. That I have so much love in my life that they were drawn to me and that I was meant to have them.

She said that her and J love me so much and that she says everyday how she misses me. How when they think of the future it always involves me. How it’s always with the thought that I’m going to be in Texas eventually.

Which I feel is true. I feel like that is where I will eventually end up because that’s where I will be complete. That’s where Mother Earth and J are, and being here in Orlando is so hard because they are so far away.

I can’t remember the exact words, but the conversation made me rethink the way I viewed my dynamic with Mother Earth and J. And it’s been something I have been thinking about over the past days, and is what resulted in our conversation yesterday evening.

I guess because of the marriage I never thought of myself as truly being ‘involved’ with Mother Earth and J.

I am pansexual, and I believe in polyamourous relationships. In fact my ideal relationship would be with a male and female. But I never thought of my dynamic with Mother Earth and J like that.

It would be too good to be true. They are together, and even though the are open minded like myself, and have both been in polyarmous relationships before, I never allowed myself to entertain that idea.

I didn’t want to mess anything up. I think part of it was fear, too. Relationships hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I was still dealing with Jarrett, and the fallout with Sir. So I kept everything back, at arms length.

I think I ignored a lot of things or pretended they were less than what they were. Like the flirting. I knew that I meant it, and I knew that Mother Earth meant it, but I never let it click in my head that it was deeper than surface level playfulness.

And part of me feels bad about that. Like I was being rude or inconsiderate. That I wasn’t being fair and honest with my feelings. Part of me feels like I was being given a gift and instead of accepting it I was ignoring it and pretending like it didn’t exist.

The conversation with Mother Earth gave me a lot to think about.

What were my true feelings? Why was I not acknowledging them? What did I really want?

I spent all of the drive home thinking and being introspective. And even though life kicked back up and kept me busy, I still thought about the situation a lot. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got up the nerve to talk about what I was feeling.

So that happened yesterday before my meeting. Most likely not the best time to start a super deep emotional conversation, but I was honestly expecting the meeting to last for 20 minutes and to be nothing special; you know… like how all of my other meetings have been since I was hired…

I told Mother Earth about what I was feeling and how I was scared of messing up the dynamic I have with her and J because of my feelings.

It ended up turning into a conversation on Facebook between the three of us, about what we wanted, and what we were all ok with.

So, I suppose crazy long story long, I am in a polyamrous relationship with Mother Earth and J. J and I will continue to be non-sexual because that is what everyone is comfortable with for the time being.

It may alter and change, it may not. But we’re ok with where it is currently, and if it changes there will be lots of talking beforehand.

It felt good to talk about my feelings openly with them. It felt good to have clear lines for certain things. Like, yes, I’m in a relationship. It’s not a kind of sort of maybe nebulous thing in my head. It’s not, “I hope this is ok and that my feelings aren’t out of line.”

There was a lot of nervousness, but I worked through it.

I know some people won’t understand this type of dynamic. And I’m ok with that. This is my first long distance type of interaction, but it’s not like I met Mother Earth and J online and I’ve never seen them in person before.

These are literally my two closest friends who just happened to move away. These aren’t strangers who know nothing about me. They are two of the only people outside of my family who truly understand who I am. Mother Earth especially since we are so much of a reflect of ourselves.

I feel like she is part of my other half. Her and J complete me in a way that nothing else has. Even if it is a non-sexual relationship. Which to me is more important. I am emotionally and spiritually fulfilled with them.

It’s odd. Jarrett made me feel complete, but it was so intense, so much, almost too much. And if I’m honest it was mostly a physical fulfillment. He would cuddle me, touch me, kiss me. It was amazing. I ignored flags I should have been paying attention to because I felt good.

Then, once we moved in together he wasn’t there. I had such a level of euphoria, and then crashed. And as low as I feel admitting this, I think Sir was a rebound. He talked to me and made me feel like I still existed, like I still mattered.

But our core values were so different, and he took my need for space personally. I don’t think even if I had moved in with him that it would have worked out.

The completion I feel form Mother Earth and J is different. It is softer, more subtle but no less real. I don’t have words for it yet. Only feelings which I need to meditate on more.

How is the completion different? Why is that difference important, because even though I might not fully, consciously, understand it, it is a very big difference and it means a lot to me.

So that was my day yesterday. Complete BS from work, life defining moment at home. No aikido, no freelance. I played a few games of table tennis with Joshua and Susan in the middle of all of that. Which I totally owned Joshua. /flex

It was a lot of fun actually. There was a lot of laughter and good natured competition / trash talking. That in conjunction with the conversation with Mother Earth and J helped put everything into perspective.

It’s just work. If I don’t like it I can always change it. I’m not stuck there for the rest of forever. In fact I don’t plan on being there longer than I have to. My plan had always been to leave to be in Texas, so I don’t know why I was so upset about the news.

I have SAL today, and homework that I haven’t touched yet. But I feel pretty good this morning. I’m glad that I’ve written all of this out. That I have clear thoughts in my head for what I am feeling, at least mostly clear.

I have the freelance I also need to finish off today so I can start on the next character.

So I suppose for now I will go so I can finish my coffee and breakfast. Hit the gym before going to work where I can focus on weight painting until aikido at 7. Maybe do my discussion post if I need a break from Maya.

Overall I think it will be an alright day.

Musing Moments 0002: Masks and Security Blankets

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Once again Ally wrote a very thought provoking post.

What masks do I wear? Do I even wear one anymore? Have they changed over the years? Are they really ‘masks’ or just different levels of openness?

I think when I was younger they were masks. Covers. Barriers.

I had a lot of hurt inside. I was wounded and I didn’t trust anyone. Much the way an injured animal will bite at you if you try to help it. If you get too close.

As an INFJ I already had to deal with being misunderstood by my peers and even adults; family members and teachers who meant well but who just didn’t ‘get me’.

Trying to explain what I was feeling inside, when I myself didn’t fully understand it, seemed like a recipe for disaster.

I didn’t want people to worry, or ask questions. I hurt. I wanted to be left alone.

To be left alone people had to think I was at least content, if not happy, resourceful, independent, capable. So to meet those needs I was warm, positive, and friendly when engaged. I did my homework. I kept myself busy so I wouldn’t be thought of as depressed even though I was.

I didn’t go out of my way to interact with people. But when I had to I put on my ‘best face’ to make the situation smooth and pleasant for everyone.

I didn’t think of it as ‘lying’ when I said I was doing fine. I thought of it as being kind.

They didn’t want to hear what was really going on inside of my head. It was just a social obligation that they were asking how I felt to begin with. Why put myself ‘out there’ only to be left more hurt, rejected, and misunderstood?

I didn’t like the pain I already had, why would I do something to get even more pain?

I guess the distance I kept between others and myself was my emotional security blanket. As long as I had this barrier between them and me the bad things couldn’t hurt me.

I feel I have grown and changed since then, especially with how I view intimate relationships.

I have a better understanding of who I am. I no longer need other people to understand me, because I understand myself (most days). The social acceptance that I felt pressured into achieving doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.

I know what I value, and I know what my morals are, and I need no one else’s affirmation. There is a level of confidence that comes from knowing myself. A level of independence, which frees me from the need for my security blanket. From my masks of old.

I answer that annoying question, “How are you,” honestly. No more white lies.

You asked me a question, I’m going to tell you the truth. Sorry if that wasn’t what you wanted to hear. Next time don’t ask me. I’m not going to bend my morals to make you comfortable.

Lying is wrong and I’m not going to do it anymore. Even if it’s about my feelings.

That doesn’t mean I go around gabbing my life story to every stranger.

When people interact with me, I share as much as I feel is appropriate, as much as I think they are seeking and willing to listen to.

Not everyone is interested in the experiences I have had. Not everyone likes the stories of ‘old souls’. Not everyone is looking for wisdom or a connection.

And I’m ok with that.

If you’re not interested in listening, then I’m not interested in sharing. It’s pretty mutual on that front.

That’s sharing though. Not necessarily connecting.

I share my experiences with students, friends, family. I can have conversations with them, and that’s fine. And in some ways that is a type of connection.

But true connection, for me, is where it gets trickier.

The closer you get to the core of my personality the more ‘openness’ is required on my part. The more vulnerable you are asking me to be.

It’s like the scene in Dragon Heart where Draco raises he chest scales are reveals his essence, his heart.

I’m pretty fair in that regard. I’ll be open if you are open. You want a lot from me, I want a lot in return.

Most people aren’t willing to be that vulnerable, and so there are very few people who know me, all of me, including my weaknesses, fears, insecurities. My weak points. My triggers.

The soft spots that can tear me down, killing me as Draco died to become a glittering star in the night sky, becoming sweet, distant memory. A shadow of former greatness.

There are very few people I feel safe enough with to tend to my wounds. Because that’s essentially what I am doing when I open up and share the negative inside my head.

Something has injured me emotionally, spiritually, while I have been fighting on the battlefield of life.

What warrior would take off their armor in the middle of a battle to stitch up a cut? To make sure a bone isn’t broken?

Only one who knew that the people surrounding her would not see her moment of weakness as an opportunity for advancement. Only one who knew that she could count on those around her to keep her safe, to guard her back and defend her, as she would do for them.

There is an unspoken bond of trust in those situations, in those defining moments.

Respect.

Honor.

As the saying goes, “You must give to receive.“

I give as much respect as I am given. I give as much love as I am given. And I give as much of myself as I receive of the other person.

If you want all of me, then you must give all of yourself.

I feel that is fair.

Prompt Page 0016: Easy Fix

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 “Write a post about any topic you wish, but make sure it ends with “And all was right in the world.””

“Draw me a picture.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. Anything. You’re the artist. Make something up.”

Could you give me a bigger artist block? With all of the stuff I have going on in my head you want me to magically pull something out of it to be a master piece? How am I supposed to choose out of thousands of ideas?

Give some direction at least.

Should there be happy trees in it? Sad trees? No trees? How about a nuclear explosion as an expression of my frustration? Is that cool? Frustration destroying your happy trees? Gah!

This topic is kind of like that.

“Do whatever you want.”

I don’t know what I want. I’m left looking internally at the vast expanse that is my mind. There is so much that it becomes white noise. Nothing is distinct. It is all part of a calm sea. Thousands and thousands of drops of water merging together.

I have so many things going on. So many thoughts, feelings. Opinions, beliefs.

“Just pick something.”

Fine. Make me think at 9 in the morning when I haven’t even finished my coffee yet… Grouchy dragon incoming.

So I’ve been thinking about the situation with Ari a lot. I’ve been looking at a lot of the interactions I have with people.

I’ve been thinking about my students. About Jarrett. Sir. All sorts of people. Specific people in my life. And then the broader scope of people in general.

I feel there is one thing that most people today have in common.

I think a lot of people have self worth issues. And that bothers me.

Finding self-acceptance is not easy. There is no ‘easy fix’ for it.

In my personal experience it’s a lot of hard work. Lots of icky emotions, which have been floating around inside of our heads for years. Thoughts which have been contaminating our way of thinking. It’s a lot of baggage that needs to be shifted through.

Boxes need to be unpacked. Beliefs need to be examined and held up against core values. Sometimes there’s healing involved which always sucks. Being injured is never fun, and the last thing you want to do when you’re hurting is be the one to clean out the wound.

There’s all this work and effort that goes into finding happiness.

And it’s like no one wants to do it. Everyone ‘wants’ to be happy, but only if it’s handed to them. They won’t want to work for it. And it’s frustrating.

I can’t love you for you. You have to love yourself and then I can love you with you.

Ari was awesome in the beginning of our friendship. I felt like I was safe around her. Like I could be myself and open up. I didn’t have to be guarded and I could talk about all of things that bothered me because there would be no judgment.

And she felt the same way. I was the first person she came out to. Even before her parents, before any of her life long childhood friends.

Me. A lowly co-worker whom she had known for maybe 6 months at the time. It was a huge step for her, and she chose me. It meant a lot.

And it was a huge step in a positive direction for her.

But she has so much self-loathing, so much self-deprecation inside of her.

Anymore our conversations are negative. How she doesn’t feel good on the inside. But she isn’t doing much to change. At least in our conversations she doesn’t mention anything. Maybe it’s because she needs to vent and expel the negative, and so the positive is overlooked.

This is all I have to go off of though.

She is unhappy, and isn’t working to change it. I can’t make her happy. But she’s looking for me to fix that unhappiness. She looking to me to fix her.

I can’t do that if you’re constantly tearing yourself down on the inside. It doesn’t matter how much me, or anyone else tries to build you up. It doesn’t matter how many bricks we lay down if you constantly knock them over when we leave.

Several of my students are like that, too.

“My work will never be good enough. I’m so far behind. If I was only half as good as [insert name here].”

It drives me crazy. Batshit insane. Because I know what they are feeling on the inside.

I had those feelings, too. For the longest time I felt worthless. Inadequate. And not just with work. But with my relationships, too. There was always something ‘wrong’ with me, and so I couldn’t accept myself. I wasn’t worthy of being happy.

And then one day I woke up and seriously had a thought. One little thought.

“I’m tired of being unhappy.”

And that’s where it started for me.

I was tired of feeling lame, and that I was never good enough for the people around me. I was tired of my own brain being my enemy. And so I made the effort to change.

That was about 2 years ago.

Two years of being consciously aware of the things I tell myself inside my head. Two years of working through painful memories. Two years of purging negativity out of my life.

A lot of it sucked. A lot of it made me cry. Standing in front of the mirror and telling myself, “You are worthy,” made me break down because the last time I had felt ‘worthy’ was when my parents had been together.

I had felt unworthy for over half my life. My grades were never good enough. I wasn’t the best musician. I wasn’t as good at art as my brother. I wasn’t a good enough daughter. Any number of things, all things, I fell short of in some way.

Changing a mentality that you have had for 15 years isn’t easy. This was the mentality I grew up with. This was all I had ever known.

“You’re bad, and you’ll always be bad. Get used to feeling bad. Bad, bad, bad.”

I didn’t want those words in my head anymore. I didn’t want to think that about myself.

Other people said I was awesome. Amazing. That I was a great person. That I was kind, caring. Warm.

But that’s not what I was telling myself. And so all of those positive things people said, all of those times people tried to build me up didn’t matter because as soon as I was alone I tore myself to pieces.

Changing that habit, that mentality, was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Knowledge is different from wisdom.

We ‘know’ something is right, or wrong. We know scrolling through Facebook while in class isn’t the best move. Taking notes would be way more beneficial.

If we are wise, we apply that information.

The same rule applies with happiness.

We know all of these things. Talking down to ourselves is bad. We shouldn’t try to make everyone happy, only ourselves. We should… we aught…

All of these things that we ‘know’.

But how many people actually apply that knowledge? How many people are wise enough to go through the trials and tribulations to actually obtain happiness?

I haven’t met many people. And that saddens me. Everyone deserves to be happy, and I hate that in most cases it is the person, not the world, not the situations we find ourselves in, but they themselves that refuse to allow themselves to be happy.

There is no easy fix. It’s hard. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you have to break down crumbling into tiny pieces. Sometimes you need to tear down the old, so something new and stronger can be raised.

I wish everyone saw it that way. That yeah, it’s a lot of work, but the reward is so worth it. Being happy in your own skin, with your own mind; being your own friend is worth it.

I learned to love myself, and all was right in the world.

Prompt Page 0014: Two Right Feet

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“What are the things you need to do within 30 minutes of waking up to ensure your day gets off on the right foot? What happened the last time you didn’t do one of these things?”

How odd that I have my morning routine, but that I never really put much thought into it.

I wake up, pet Scarlet. I relax and allow my muscles to wake up, stretching every so often. I ponder on dreams if I had any. I check my phone for emails and messages. I get up and make my coffee, and then amble / stumble (depending on how much sleep I’ve had) to my computer to reply to said messages and begin my day.

But really those are the external actions that I do. The things that can be seen. The rinse repeat of the day to day that some may think of as mundane.

Truly the first thing I do is wake up. I wake up and realize that I am awake. That today is a new day. That yesterday is in the past, and tomorrow is in a land far off, and that all I have is this one moment.

I have this day to live for as long as the Universe will let me, and that’s it.

I have a moment, before visible actions, where I make a choice.

Today can either be a good day or a bad day.

Sometimes my days are crazy.

Sometimes they packed with meetings and critiques and errands.

Run here, go there, by the way that one thing is now a blazing ball of fire. You might want to take care of that…

I can’t change how events go, how the plans I make (like yesterday… ) sometimes don’t work out.

All I can do is accept that I have been given a day, this single day, and that it’s my choice to embrace it, bumps, pot-holes and all, or not.

It is fully within myself to have a good day or a bad day.

And each morning I have that conversation with myself. Sometimes before I even open my eyes.

I rest, breathing, thinking.

What type of day will I have? What do I have to do? What do I want to do?

I see myself doing those things. I picture what it will be like to complete my actions. I let myself envision feelings of success and accomplishment.

I see myself having a good, productive, energizing day. And then I get up to actually have it. To reach for it. Achieve it.

It’s already there, all I have to do it seize it. Make it mine. Own it.

This month works out really well. I go to sleep naturally; I wake up naturally (no alarms). I’m normally able to get to the gym, which is something that gives me fulfillment. I am able to take time for myself and get the solitude that I need. I have the time and energy for my personal projects and work.

Even a little bit of socialness has snuck it’s way in.

Look at me, being an overachieving introvert and stuff. /pat on back

This month has been working well for me, and I’m taking full advantage of it while I can.

Other months my schedule isn’t as kind, and those morning conversations aren’t as positive. Sometimes those morning conversations with myself is my inner scientist / mother trying to drag my four year old self out of my mental bed.

“But I don’t want to! There’s people, and things, and stuff. I just want to stay here! I don’t want to be an adult and take care of life. All I want is to hide inside my blanket fort and color with glitter crayons! Maybe bake cookies… ”

Sometimes it is really, really hard to care. Sometimes it really does feel like forcing myself.

Not everything is bright, sunny rainbows all the time.

But no matter what, it is my choice to look at it as good or bad. How I handle and react to situations is totally within my control, and I can let it mess with my inner peace or not. That is my choice and mine alone.

And I like to think that, for the most part, I do a pretty good job of finding the positive in my life and living it to the fullest I am able.

Prompt Pages 0012: Pleased To Meet You

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 “Write a post in which the protagonists of two different books or movies meet for the first time. How do they react to each other? Do they get along?”

Stuff like this frustrates me.

It’s like some of the conversations guys I hang out with have every once in a while. And even then, with people I know and respect, I roll my eyes and try to extract myself from the situation quickly so as not to show my aggravation.

“If Superman and Batman fought, who would win?”

Can you find a bigger waste of time and intelligence?

Wait… on second thought, don’t answer that. I don’t want you to think of that as a challenge…

 They’re fictional characters, so you can make whatever story you want. There doesn’t have to be logic or reason. It’s fake.

Superman is an alien so he shouldn’t count to begin with.

I like my books and stories to stay separate, contained in their own worlds, not merging together and bleeding all over each other.

That’s messing with the original idea of the author, which, in my mind, writing is just another form of art.

I’m not going to go up to someone else’s picture and start painting the sky a sunset pink because I don’t like the blue they used.

That’s rude, inconsiderate, and bastardizing the original idea. In a way it’s almost spiting in their face.

“I don’t like your idea so I’m going to change it to what I think it should be. K. Thanks. Bye”

As an artist that’s a giant slap in the face.

Sorry my idea wasn’t good enough for you. Go fuck yourself.

Maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m overly sensitive to things like that.

I could also be taking this prompt totally out of context because my brain likes to go off on random, overly deep tangents. But those are my feelings.

You can totally use something for inspiration. After all, we see far because we stand on the shoulders of giants. But at some level there is a line, which shouldn’t be crossed.

And at some level there are better things to do with time and energy.

Leave the work the way it is. Enjoy the masterpiece, the colors, shapes, textures, feelings, and be happy with what it is as a whole. Enjoy the reality of what something is, rather than wishing for what it could be.