“Write a post about any topic you wish, but make sure it ends with “And all was right in the world.””

“Draw me a picture.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. Anything. You’re the artist. Make something up.”

Could you give me a bigger artist block? With all of the stuff I have going on in my head you want me to magically pull something out of it to be a master piece? How am I supposed to choose out of thousands of ideas?

Give some direction at least.

Should there be happy trees in it? Sad trees? No trees? How about a nuclear explosion as an expression of my frustration? Is that cool? Frustration destroying your happy trees? Gah!

This topic is kind of like that.

“Do whatever you want.”

I don’t know what I want. I’m left looking internally at the vast expanse that is my mind. There is so much that it becomes white noise. Nothing is distinct. It is all part of a calm sea. Thousands and thousands of drops of water merging together.

I have so many things going on. So many thoughts, feelings. Opinions, beliefs.

“Just pick something.”

Fine. Make me think at 9 in the morning when I haven’t even finished my coffee yet… Grouchy dragon incoming.

So I’ve been thinking about the situation with Ari a lot. I’ve been looking at a lot of the interactions I have with people.

I’ve been thinking about my students. About Jarrett. Sir. All sorts of people. Specific people in my life. And then the broader scope of people in general.

I feel there is one thing that most people today have in common.

I think a lot of people have self worth issues. And that bothers me.

Finding self-acceptance is not easy. There is no ‘easy fix’ for it.

In my personal experience it’s a lot of hard work. Lots of icky emotions, which have been floating around inside of our heads for years. Thoughts which have been contaminating our way of thinking. It’s a lot of baggage that needs to be shifted through.

Boxes need to be unpacked. Beliefs need to be examined and held up against core values. Sometimes there’s healing involved which always sucks. Being injured is never fun, and the last thing you want to do when you’re hurting is be the one to clean out the wound.

There’s all this work and effort that goes into finding happiness.

And it’s like no one wants to do it. Everyone ‘wants’ to be happy, but only if it’s handed to them. They won’t want to work for it. And it’s frustrating.

I can’t love you for you. You have to love yourself and then I can love you with you.

Ari was awesome in the beginning of our friendship. I felt like I was safe around her. Like I could be myself and open up. I didn’t have to be guarded and I could talk about all of things that bothered me because there would be no judgment.

And she felt the same way. I was the first person she came out to. Even before her parents, before any of her life long childhood friends.

Me. A lowly co-worker whom she had known for maybe 6 months at the time. It was a huge step for her, and she chose me. It meant a lot.

And it was a huge step in a positive direction for her.

But she has so much self-loathing, so much self-deprecation inside of her.

Anymore our conversations are negative. How she doesn’t feel good on the inside. But she isn’t doing much to change. At least in our conversations she doesn’t mention anything. Maybe it’s because she needs to vent and expel the negative, and so the positive is overlooked.

This is all I have to go off of though.

She is unhappy, and isn’t working to change it. I can’t make her happy. But she’s looking for me to fix that unhappiness. She looking to me to fix her.

I can’t do that if you’re constantly tearing yourself down on the inside. It doesn’t matter how much me, or anyone else tries to build you up. It doesn’t matter how many bricks we lay down if you constantly knock them over when we leave.

Several of my students are like that, too.

“My work will never be good enough. I’m so far behind. If I was only half as good as [insert name here].”

It drives me crazy. Batshit insane. Because I know what they are feeling on the inside.

I had those feelings, too. For the longest time I felt worthless. Inadequate. And not just with work. But with my relationships, too. There was always something ‘wrong’ with me, and so I couldn’t accept myself. I wasn’t worthy of being happy.

And then one day I woke up and seriously had a thought. One little thought.

“I’m tired of being unhappy.”

And that’s where it started for me.

I was tired of feeling lame, and that I was never good enough for the people around me. I was tired of my own brain being my enemy. And so I made the effort to change.

That was about 2 years ago.

Two years of being consciously aware of the things I tell myself inside my head. Two years of working through painful memories. Two years of purging negativity out of my life.

A lot of it sucked. A lot of it made me cry. Standing in front of the mirror and telling myself, “You are worthy,” made me break down because the last time I had felt ‘worthy’ was when my parents had been together.

I had felt unworthy for over half my life. My grades were never good enough. I wasn’t the best musician. I wasn’t as good at art as my brother. I wasn’t a good enough daughter. Any number of things, all things, I fell short of in some way.

Changing a mentality that you have had for 15 years isn’t easy. This was the mentality I grew up with. This was all I had ever known.

“You’re bad, and you’ll always be bad. Get used to feeling bad. Bad, bad, bad.”

I didn’t want those words in my head anymore. I didn’t want to think that about myself.

Other people said I was awesome. Amazing. That I was a great person. That I was kind, caring. Warm.

But that’s not what I was telling myself. And so all of those positive things people said, all of those times people tried to build me up didn’t matter because as soon as I was alone I tore myself to pieces.

Changing that habit, that mentality, was one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

Knowledge is different from wisdom.

We ‘know’ something is right, or wrong. We know scrolling through Facebook while in class isn’t the best move. Taking notes would be way more beneficial.

If we are wise, we apply that information.

The same rule applies with happiness.

We know all of these things. Talking down to ourselves is bad. We shouldn’t try to make everyone happy, only ourselves. We should… we aught…

All of these things that we ‘know’.

But how many people actually apply that knowledge? How many people are wise enough to go through the trials and tribulations to actually obtain happiness?

I haven’t met many people. And that saddens me. Everyone deserves to be happy, and I hate that in most cases it is the person, not the world, not the situations we find ourselves in, but they themselves that refuse to allow themselves to be happy.

There is no easy fix. It’s hard. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you have to break down crumbling into tiny pieces. Sometimes you need to tear down the old, so something new and stronger can be raised.

I wish everyone saw it that way. That yeah, it’s a lot of work, but the reward is so worth it. Being happy in your own skin, with your own mind; being your own friend is worth it.

I learned to love myself, and all was right in the world.